I.

Early Epoch (1-6)

a. 1st grade
i. Removal from friends
1. Feelings of helplessness (with the language)
2. “He’s good for the other kids”
a. I’m only worth something if:
i. I am useful
ii. It costs me
II. Developing through adolescence into adulthood (7ish into 20s)
a. Religiosity
i. Formed understanding of morality and immorality but combined with a sense of
self-identity and self-worth.
1. I.e. ‘One’s worth lies in their ability to meet a standard’
b. Jeff’s aggression
i. Served as
1. An exemplar of my own feelings
2. An exemplar of my parents’ reactions to the actions resultant of my
own feelings
ii. Was my first contact with my Jungian shadow archetype
iii. Coalesced with a stringent religious upbringing (item II.a) to form guilt and
shame
c. Prodigiousness
i. Set expectation for self-understanding and set foundation for sense of self-
worth by comparison
ii. Set standard as being comparatively “better” than peers
1. Perfectionism and narcissism
iii. Defined insecurity
d. To ensure acceptance and “social success,” a reliance on manipulation (see sub-item ii)
and/or lying when necessary developed
i. Only when necessary to reinforce the outward projection of perfection, out of
fear of violating the standard set by prodigiousness (item II.c).
ii. Manipulation as in accentuating certain portions of personality – tailored
personalities for each individual relationship.
e. Lack of clear emotional space or understanding within family dynamic
i. Emotional acknowledgement was lacking
1. Father
a. Likely due to depression and sense of religious devotion
i. Came across as cold, impersonal, unaffectionate, and
strict.
2. Mother
a. Likely due to
i. Unaffectionate family dynamic of her own
ii. Impresence due to work, or focus on siblings
 1. I would be doing her a service by not requiring
attention.
f. Porn usage
i. June 1st, 2001 (day before 13th birthday)
ii. Established guilt and self-identification with secret insufficiency
1. “I’m not as people suppose”
a. “If they truly knew who I am, they wouldn’t love me.”
iii. Became a way to cope with high functioning depression and feelings of disgust
and guilt (as well as boredom – i.e. emptiness and a lack of productive energy)
III. Dalyn (22ish on)
a. Weaponized anxiety (development of a manipulative pattern)
i. During engagement
1. “I’m afraid if you gain weight, then I won’t love you.”
a. “I’m afraid”
i. Phrased as an insecurity (emotional scar)
1. Merits understanding, patience, love, care, and
providence
b. “If you gain weight, then I won’t love you.”
i. If-then statement is absolute law, not suggestion
ii. Equated physical appearance with self-worth
1. Introduced new criteria for critical self-
definition
iii. Attraction signified love, not just attraction
1. Love was my primary desire, as I felt neglected
and emotionally pained throughout childhood.
a. “I just want someone to love me.”
c. Statement should be offensive and insulting, but since disguised
as insecurity, providing kindness for her outweighed my feelings
of hurt.
d. Weight gain equated rule-breaking, and deserved punishment.
ii. Honeymoon
1. “I’m afraid of being objectified.” – in reference to “consummation”
a. “I’m afraid”
i. Same as before (item III.a.i.1.a)
b. Objectification is a one-sided transaction of pleasure
i. I was not in control of her side of pleasure, but if I
showed signs of pleasure, then I’d be in danger of
violating her limitation (validating her fears).
c. Created a fear in me of:
i. Becoming abusive
1. Taking advantage of another person
2. Falling prey to primal impulses (becoming sex
centered)
d. Resulted in a calculated and disconnected sexual experience
 i. I had to take orders to ensure I wasn’t doing something
wrong (respecting her boundaries)
1. Centered on her experience and got rid of any
desire of mine
ii. Could not show any signs of pleasure, desire, or
preference.
1. Inhibited communication and emotional
iii. Sexual intimacy became ritualistic, and only served the
purpose of:
1. Appearing close
2. Reducing sexual urges
iv. Reduced my ability to refuse when uneasy
b. Intimacy
i.

I’ve feared my potential for evil, insomuch that I severely limit and self-defeat until I become incapable
of being guilty of it.

An equation of harmlessness with virtue, and weakness with strength (religious upbringing)

Who, what, when, where