Notebook Week 5-9a:

Original:

Patrick Funk, 43, has dealt with anxiety his entire life. Growing up, Funk experienced

anxiety and stress but was unaware of what it really was. His household often experienced a lot

of contention which contributed to his anxiety. Funk said, “My mom was always high strung.

There was a lot of contention in our house with small living space and things like that”. He

didn’t think that the emotions of stress and anxiety were abnormal or something to be worried

about. Sara Israelsen-Hartley and Lois M. Collins wrote, “"Adolescence is a critical period for

the onset of mental health disorders," according to the latest report from New York-based Child

Mind Institute, which says more than 17 million American youths have or had a serious mental

health impairment before age 18”.

During his childhood, going to the doctor or getting medical help was not a regular

occurance. “When I was a kid, I don’t remember ever going to the doctor other than special

occasions, such as a high school physical. We didn’t really diagnose that kind of thing back

then”. Mental health was not something many people talked about even just several years ago.

Most people didn’t understand that their mental health was something to be taking care of. If

someone had anxiety, they learned to just “deal with it”. Susanna Schrobsdorf says, “Experts

suspect that these [anxiety] statistics are on the low end of what’s really happening, since many

people do not seek help for anxiety and depression.”

Concise:

Patrick Funk, 43, has dealt with anxiety his entire life. He experienced contention

because of small living spaces and strong family personalities. Funk didn’t think that anxiety was

abnormal. Sara Israelsen-Hartley and Lois M. Collins wrote, “"Adolescence is a critical period

for the onset of mental health disorders," according to the latest report from New York-based

Child Mind Institute”.

During his childhood, he rarely visited the doctor’s office. “When I was a kid, I don’t

remember ever going to the doctor other than special occasions,” Funk said. The importance of

mental health has not been taught for many years. If someone had anxiety, they learned to just

“deal with it”. Susanna Schrobsdorf says, “Experts suspect that these [anxiety] statistics are on

the low end of what’s really happening, since many people do not seek help for anxiety and

depression.”

While making my writing more concise, I read my writing again and took out any

information that was not needed. I also went through and combined sentences that were very

similar. In many instances, I repeated information that I had already discussed previously. There

was some “fluff” throughout my writing. I went through and decided what information was

important. I also went through and made sure that my sentences didn’t start with expletive

constructions. I wanted my sentences to be clear and make a point. I also used the strategy of

choosing clear subjects. Most of my sentences either had the subject as anxiety or Patrick Funk.