CHAPTER TWO: How To Do Self-EMDR

Let’s hark back to Mary Jones’ trauma with the baby, and pretend she
knew how to do self-EMDR before the tragedy. What would Mary have
done after the baby died? How would she have gone about it?
At a time when she feels able to think logically and concentrate, Mary
sits in an armchair or lies on her bed. Closing her eyes and taking several
deep breaths to become more relaxed, she brings to mind the tragic
event. She floods her mind with an awareness of that awful night. Often
she awoke at about the same time, because her body clock reminded her
that the baby needed her attention. But on this occasion she couldn’t
hear the baby breathing, or whimpering as he often did when feeding
time was near. There was just an awful silence. An unnatural silence! In
a panic she leapt out of bed and bounded across to the baby. Even
though he looked asleep, she knew instinctively he was dead. There was
no breathing. His skin was cold. Gasping and crying she backed away
from him. It was then she heard the screaming, which appeared to come
from the air around her. But the voice was hers. She seemed to have
picked up the baby, and then was lying on the floor holding him and
weeping. At some time the neighbors were there, and then the
ambulance officers. The rest was a blur. Her parents appeared and stayed
when the others left. She couldn’t even remember the funeral. Then she
was living with Mum and Dad.
Sitting in her armchair, Mary runs her mind past the jumbled events. In
one way she feels reluctant to go to that place again. The memory is still
incredibly painful. Already she has cried so much that there doesn’t
seem much point in doing the self-help therapy. Nothing during the past
week or two has made the pain go away. Still she can’t believe that she
will never see Baby again. She remembers talking to her baby’s father
and his parents but can’t recall what was said. After allowing her mind
 (left-right-left-right...
to drift around the tragedy for a while, Mary starts tapping her thighs
with her arms relaxed and her elbows resting against her hips. Her hands
and wrists are loose. The movements soon become automatic so she is
hardly aware of them continuing for a further half minute or so. Mary
feels herself drifting into a sleepy trance state as the tapping pulses the
hemispheres of her brain. After a short time she feels more emotional.
The time has arrived to do something very important. Mary now focuses
her mind, concentrates her mind, on the very worst part of her memory
about Baby’s death. Was the very worst time when she woke up and
became aware of that unnatural silence? Was it when she actually knew
Baby was dead? Was it when she felt Baby’s cold skin? Her baby! Was
it when she was lying on the floor crying, holding her baby who felt like
a lifeless doll? Was it when she was at the funeral and saw the little
white casket? Continuing the movements, Mary becomes aware of
memories which had not been there before the tapping guided her into a
self-EMDR trance. The baby’s casket becomes clear in her mind. The
faces of people at the service also emerge into focus. The dragging
heaviness in her stomach becomes more intense as though she is present
once again at the funeral.
But the time has arrived to choose the most traumatic event of them all
as she continues the tapping. The decision almost presents itself to her.
The most horrible and painful event was when she found herself looking
with disbelief at the small white casket. Her baby was inside? What had
happened? How did he get there? That moment was so awful that her
mind had been blocking it. She simply had not remembered. But now in
a trance state the memory comes flooding back – even more appalling
than the other memories about Baby’s death. She feels physically sick.
For several minutes Mary runs her mind, time after time, past that small
segment of her past. It’s almost like rerunning the DVD player time after
time past a particular segment of film. Mary feels and almost relives the
experience of the funeral service. It’s like being there again, as though
the event actually is happening again. She feels the pain every time she
runs her mind past that moment. Being in a neurological trance, Mary is
aware that she has slipped from one time-frame to another. Her armchair
and the room around her seem less real than the funeral service, and the
small white coffin carrying her dreams and her heart. She has slipped
back in time.
But somewhere, beyond it all is a glimmer of insight reminding her that
she is doing this to heal and become whole for the rest of her life. Those
terrible moments are a precious investment in her future. She will
always be proud of herself because of these moments. She is reclaiming
herself. She is recreating herself.
After three or four or five minutes, which we call a “set”, Mary stops the
movements, opens her eyes and comes back to the present. She
determines just how bad her emotions feel. Ten out of 10 means she is
gasping with pain, or hyperventilating, or sobbing. One out of 10 means
she can hardly discern the trauma. Five out of 10 means she feels very
uncomfortable.
After a brief break Mary does another set of several minutes following
the same procedure, and then another, followed by another. She takes a
break after each set. Each focuses on exactly the same part of the same
trauma. After each set she takes a mental note of how bad her emotions
are: eight out of 10, or five out of 10, or three out of 10? It is especially
important for her to keep track of her feelings after each set, although
she could hardly fail to notice them. It is not unusual for the emotions to
feel worse after the first set, or occasionally the first two sets. This is
because the person emotionally is becoming more available, emotionally
more sensitive. She is also becoming more familiar with the neurological
trance state. It is not possible for the trauma itself somehow to become
worse. Significantly, after the first couple of sets the bad emotions start
to reduce. After set two they may be eight, after set three they may be
six, after set four they may be two. It is necessary to continue the sets,
one after another with a break in between, until the discomfort level falls
below two or three. It’s as simple as that.
Just remember, once the trauma level has been drained, once the bad
emotions have fallen to the point where they are no longer a problem,
they will stay that way for the rest of one’s life. That is, the electro-
chemical impulses in the brain that comprise the negative emotions have
gone. They have ceased to exist. Mary cannot feel what no longer is
there.
But what about the other traumatic times directly associated with her
baby’s death? Would they not cause trauma every time Mary brought
them to mind: her discovering Baby’s body and screaming and then
falling to the floor with her baby, the arrival of the neighbors, and so on?
Surely those events would remain as before? The answer may be
surprising. Once Mary carries out self-EMDR on any of the events
associated with the tragedy, very often all other events will be drained of
their traumatic emotions as well. For the rest of Mary’s life! That’s how
self-EMDR works.
What happens if it proves impossible to bring the painful emotions all
the way down to three or less? That occasionally happens, especially in
the case of a severe trauma like Mary’s. In this event a second session
exactly like the first may be necessary, perhaps carried out on the
following day or a bit later. A third may even be required. However
common sense tells us that a long session comprising, say, six or seven
sets is likely to reduce the discomfort level more than a short session
comprising only three. What if even a long session, or several shorter
sessions, fails to bring the discomfort level down adequately? Unlikely
as this is, Mary would change direction and do a self-EMDR session on
another memory associated with the tragedy: perhaps the moment she
discovered the baby was dead, or a time she was sitting by herself when
normally she would be feeding Baby. This session would comprise as
many sets as necessary, carried out on one occasion or broken into
several.
Depending on the time available, a session may comprise anything from
15 minutes to 90 minutes, and may comprise a small number of sets or a
large number. A comfortable place free from distractions is necessary.
How would Mary know, later on, when she had achieved her goal of
eliminating completely the profoundly distressing emotions? Of course
she would run her mind past every memory that once traumatized her.
Almost certainly Mary would be amazed at the newfound sense of peace
and serenity which replaced that terrible agony in such an incredibly
short time. She is free to enjoy life once more. She is free to cherish the
memories of her baby. She is free to live in a safer environment,
knowing that nothing awful can overtake her which she is unable to cope
with. She will always have self-EMDR!
It must be added that few traumas are more difficult to eliminate in the
longer term than a profound grief experience, using any therapeutic or
counseling approach. This is because there will always be reminders. “It
would have been Baby’s birthday today”. Or, “Baby would have started
school this week”. Or, “Everybody else is seeing their child grow up,
except me. My dreams are only cold ashes”. It should not be overlooked
that self-EMDR is very much more effective than even a long, specialist
program of grief or trauma counseling. This is because self-EMDR
actually eliminates the pain (the electro-chemical impulses in the brain
cells), whereas ordinary counseling and therapy merely seek to make the
pain easier to manage. In the case of medication, often it just seeks to
mask the pain. When using self-EMDR with a grief situation, typically
all that remains after the session is a momentary sadness that is part of
any loss, a part of life which we all experience and then rise above.
Gone is the terrible, relentless suffering that crushed Mary. It has to be
acknowledged, then, that by definition grief tends to have a lingering,
low level of discomfort. However the vast majority of non-grief upsets
and traumas, both severe and minor, can be eliminated once and for all
without any discomfort remaining. It’s as though the bad event happened
50 years ago.
CHAPTER THREE: A Self-EMDR Template
Forgetting the grief situation for the moment, how do we go about
removing any upset or trauma using self-EMDR? First, remove yourself
from any distractions. Then:
+++ Be seated in a comfortable chair or lie on your bed. Close your
eyes. Take one or two deep breaths. +++ With arms loose and floppy
and your right hand resting on your right thigh and your left hand resting
on your left thigh, commence tapping; left side then right side, left side
then right side, and so on. Do this approximately once or twice a second.
+++ With your mind reach out for a peaceful, drifting trance state.
That’s what it feels like. Embrace it and progressively relax into it.
+++ Now take yourself to the unhappy memory. See it as though it is
happening again. Be there. Most importantly feel it and immerse
yourself in its emotions. Live it and allow the bad stuff to hurt you, in
fact make it hurt you.
+++ Still continuing the tapping movements, with your eyes remaining
closed, focus on the worst part of the bad memory. Which was the most
hurtful moment?
+++ Concentrate on that and exclude everything else. Don’t “walk
backwards” away from the hurt. Embrace the hurt. Invite it to
overwhelm you, as once it did when you experienced the trauma.
+++ Run the hurt past your mind time after time. Pretend you are there.
“See” the people and the environment around you. Make it all as real as
possible. Don’t allow your mind to drift off to something else. The
trance state will greatly heighten your perceptions, especially after just a
little bit of practice.
+++ Continue doing this for about three to six minutes. If you keep
doing it for too long, there is a tendency to allow your mind to drift
away from its focus.
+++ After the three to six minutes, stop the tapping and open your eyes.
Take a break for several seconds or even several minutes.
+++ Determine how bad you are feeling about the trauma, once you
have stopped the tapping. Often the self-EMDR experience will make
your hurt feel raw again, almost as bad as when it actually happened.
+++ After the break, do another set as before with your eyes shut and the
tapping recommenced, focusing again on the worst part of the bad
memory. Make it hurt you.
+++ After several minutes stop and open your eyes. Take a break.
Determine again how painful the hurt feels. Eight out of 10, which is
hardly bearable? Six out of 10? Three out of 10, which is relatively
comfortable? Is it feeling better or becoming worse? During the first one
or two sets the pain can appear to increase, but then falls away during
subsequent sets.
+++ Continue with more sets, always concentrating as before on the
worst part of the bad memory. Keep a track of the discomfort level.
+++ Once the bad feelings have fallen away until they can hardly be felt,
your goal has been reached.
+++ What previously had been an upsetting feeling or memory, or even
a traumatic onslaught of terrible emotions, has been eliminated;
banished from your life for the rest of your life. It will never come back.
It cannot come back. However you may need to continue the sets, from
time to time over a period of days if necessary, until the bad emotions
fall away so they no longer trouble you.