jaymark Quitel

TITLE: The Game of X

GENRE: Supernatural Horror

PLOT & STRUCTURE

This has all the elements of a classic horror story. From the beginning, the main
character, a leader of a mysterious order, turns off the security system inside the manor,
immediately cueing the reader that the protagonist is about to do something
clandestine. There is an underground tunnel and secret doors, and rumors of frightful
things inside the forest. By the end of the prologue, it’s clear from the tropes you use
that this is a horror story with Gothic elements, and that from this point on, things are
only going to get worse—in a delicious, thrilling way.
After William is rescued by Jordan (perhaps too conveniently?) and taken to the manor,
he is confronted by a stranger—Marlo—who is the one who summoned him in the first
place. What William does not know, but we readers know, is that Marlo is not a normal
human being. In fact, he too is a supernatural creature, possibly a vampire. In other
words, the protagonist is not safe nor is he in an ordinary place, but rather he has
entered an extraordinary world, and that as much as he wishes to turn back, it is too
late.
CHARACTERS
William Nye
He is a transparent and expressive character who does not hesitate to act, speak, or
run away (if he has to). His frank manner makes him easily knowable and perhaps, for
some, relatable and even comical. In a sense, he is your average man who is put into
extraordinary circumstances. It’s that tension between the ordinary and the
extraordinary that keeps the reader interested. As a reader I want to know how the
protagonist is going to react and cope with all that happens to him. In other words, I
want to know if he is going to survive his ordeal and how he will be changed by it.
Having said that, however, I noticed that there are times when Egri over-expresses
verbally and physically, by shouting, talking to himself, and so on, which can have a
theatrical and cartoony effect. Sometimes, subtle words and gestures can be just as
effective in conveying fear, horror, and anger.
Marlo
He is the second major character and he is intriguing, because not only is he a vampire,
but a remorseful one. That in itself makes him rise a bit above the stock vampires you
see in fiction and movies. As a reader, I want to know more about him and what he has
done in the past and what he hopes to do to rectify his past sins. I suggest developing
this further in subsequent chapters.
POINT OF VIEW (POV)
You have chosen to write in third-person limited POV, starting with William, and then
switching to Marlo's in chapter 2. I think this approach works fine, as long as it remains
consistent throughout the novel.
SETTING
The setting is atmospheric and effective. In the opening chapter, it’s nighttime, there is a
manor, a dark forest, strong winds and rain. The important thing here is to make sure
the weather is consistent. In the forest, it’s windy and rainy, but when Marlo is looking
through the window, the sky is bluish and clear, with no sign of wind or rain. So, as a
reader, I’m wondering if the wind and rain in the forest was an isolated event? Also,
Marlo is looking out at a city skyline. This was unexpected, since the way the beginning
is written, it seems we are in the remote countryside, where there are forests that go on
for miles. Something to think about.
VOICE/TONE
Voice is partly how characters speak as well as how the story is written. I found that the
most glaring inconsistency in voice is in the leader's diction. Normally, he speaks in
contemporary diction (the way most people speak today), but occasionally he switches
to more formal and archaic diction, which stops me as a reader because it’s as if
another voice has taken over. I have flagged these areas in the manuscript for your
review.
The Game of X (1966) is another spy novel,
but it is a gentle spoof rather than a serious
story. William Nye agrees to pose as a
courier in a trap designed to capture a
foreign agent in France. The process
succeeds and the agent is led to believe that
Nye is actually the mysterious Agent X. This
should have been the end of it, but later the
spy offers to defect on condition that Agent
X handle things, so Nye finds himself posing
once again. This time, however, the other
side has more competent agents, although
they also are taken in by the illusion that he
is a superspy. Nye is twice captured by the
enemy and twice escapes, still without
disabusing them of the notion that he is
competent at his job. Complication piles
upon complication and Nye considers
running for his life, but never quite takes
that step. In fact, he rises to the occasion
and after saving the day, his handlers are
not so certain that he is not in fact a spy who
managed to fool even them. As good as the
Dain novels, if not entirely plausible.