may-june 2011 issue 2

Welcome to PORK #2. Apparently we are doing it right because PORK

#1 was a runaway success, disappearing from stores days after arriving &
becoming a national magazine immediately. In times like these, with earth-
quakes, tsunamis, a radioactive plume spewing out of Japan, revolution in
North Africa, the worst economy since the great depression, an unstable
biosphere, several looming apocalyptic prophecies, new disease pandem-
ics cropping up every season, unreliable politicians at home & a couple
of out-of-touch generations running things, PORK’s lightning attack of
STREET & SWEET, OPTIMISM & DYNAMISM & a CAN DO attitude aren’t just
refreshing, they are necessary for survival! We have run up against some
minor enemies in our quest to PORK THE USA, but so far, it seems that
the people & PORK are on the right side of history! TODAY YOUR LOVE.
TOMORROW THE WORLD!

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KATIE ÄABERG: PHOTOGRAPHY. 10K$ IDEAS. MANAGEMENT.
AMELIA HART: THE WHITE OPRAH. HAIR & MAKEUP.
ALLIHALLA: FASHION. FA FA FA FA FASHION.
CONTRIBUTORS: RICHARD HOFMEIER, Gabriela Ladrón de Gue-
vara, BOBBY MADNESS, JASON MCKAY, MINUSBABY, ANNA PONTO,
DANIEL SHOUP, THE VILLAGE IDIOT.
MODELS: CARLY BRYNELSON, MITRA CHESTER, JANELLE DERVEN,
ALLISON DITSON, AMELIA HART, MIRANDA JENEE, SEPHIRAH KRINSKY,
ANNA PONTO.
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When Lady Gaga’s video for TELE-
PHONE came out in early 2010, I
backed it up a bunch of times to make
sure that she was indeed wearing a
traditional studded leather jacket with
GISM on the back & DOOM on the front.
Apparently Telephone was directed by
Jonas Åkerlund, who played drums for
the earliest incarnation of BATHORY
as Vans McBurger, then found success
as a video producer for Roxette. Studs
& spikes have become absurdly trendy
& it’s cool to see old school heads give
such glaring shout outs in their post-
head banging careers.
 TOTAL CRAP UNINC.
is the fashion im-
print of Saira Huff.
Saira came onto my
radar in the 90s
with the Portland
based Punk band
DETESTATION & her
zine DIMINUTIVE
RAGE. Later I saw
that she was doing
fashion & playing
with this band FAG-
GOT in Minneapo-
lis. The rest of the
story is revealed in
this exciting inter-
view! Make sure to
check out:
totalcrapuninc.com
SEAN: I remember talking to you at a house
party in Oakland about getting into fash-
ion back in 1998 or so, at what point did you
decide to get serious about fashion design &
how did you start breaking into that world?
SAIRA: Fashion has always been an interest
of mine, especially as a young girl of the
80’s. I was mesmerized by the wild ensembles
all of the pop/rock stars were wearing in
MTV videos at that time.....Though I began
sewing my own clothing at age 13, my focus
really started once I left Portland (my
hometown) permanently in late ‘99 and relo-
cated to the icy depths of Minneapolis, MN.
The extremity of weather in the midwest
kept me indoors for 1/2 the year, time I
used to study, research and focus on cloth-
ing construction which brought my designs
to life. I did many DIY fashion shows, de-
signed and produced costumes and clothing
for my own projects and other local artists
(dancers, musicians, theatre) and otherwise
adorned myself as wildly as I felt inclined.
Though the art and creative community of
Minneapolis was quite rich, I was getting
nowhere with fashion. I had an opportune
moment to relocate to NYC mid- 2009, immedi-
ately presented works in avant-garde shows,
and selling a limited line at the infamous
rock-wear hub Trash and Vaudeville. I have
had very good response and sold out of
whatever lands in the store... I am currently
expanding on my line, always experiment-
ing....my favorite thing!!!! To create by my
own means is all that I have ever wanted to
focus on, and fashion to me is the most func-
tional art imaginable.
SEAN: I’m always stoked when people from
the Punk scene are able to break out of the
scene limitations & become successful in the
big world, but maintain that same kind of
Punk aggression & energy & lack of compro-
mise. At the same time, a lot of people RE-
ALLY DON’T GET IT...
SAIRA: I think one of the
main reasons why there aren’t
more stories of worldly suc-
cess coming out of the punk
scene is because most punks
treat the scene like a mo-
nogamous relationship till-
death-do-us-part instead of
as a creative culture. Any in-
terest or affiliation deemed
unrecognizable in the punk
community is far more often
than not shunned, and defi-
nitely not encouraged as the
enriching element that vari-
ation is. I was drawn towards
punk as a frustrated, abused
and abandoned youth because
of the defining element of
self-expression, not to find a
lesser replicate of the base
and narrow-minded drama of
given society. Unfortunately,
it’s the latter that is accepted, thus the
watered-down dime-a-dozen efforts that
dominate punk today and for many years
running. The punk scene can make you feel
that anything is possible so long as you’re
willing to put forth the effort needed
that that possibility requires. The eth-
ic of doing-it-yourself -- in music, art,
graphic layout, promotion, communication,
networking, writing, expression......all of
these things can and should be applied
to any passion, punk or otherwise. What I
really don’t get is why more punks aren’t
taking life into their own hands, carrying
their pseudo-concerns beyond poorly ex-
ecuted bands and really creating a fea-
sible life that’s worth living. I still and
always will love, appreciate, relate and
contribute to punk for what I deem it tru-
ly, I also still and never will let someone
else’s interpretation of whether what I am
doing with my life is “punk” or not stop me
from proceeding.
SEAN: I described your fashion as “Post-
Apocalyptic Combat Hooker” style, I can
imagine the world where your stuff gets
worn out & about all the time, it’s kind of
scary, but at the same time, a lot less bor-
ing than the America we live in.
SAIRA: Hahaha.....the world you imagine is
right before your eyes!!!!!! America is not
the only source of boredom, it’s where ever
the mindset exists that one can only do as
they are told.
SEAN: Future plans? Are you gonna open a
boutique? Have you done any zines since
Diminutive Rage?
SAIRA: My plans grow and change with
time.... I am consistently creating, learn-
ing fresh techniques and exploring new
horizons. I am currently setting up shop
online, as well as selling a limited selec-
tion here in NY. Eventually I would like
to open a boutique/gallery, a bit further
down the road but within reach. I have
not done any zines since Diminutive Rage,
though I am starting up a blog for Total
Crap UnIncorporated that will serve as
platform for expelling angst as well as
selling clothes........
ART WAR: RANO aka Acido de Vainilla acidodevainilla.tk
Sean: What is around you? Artist Profile: Cactus Squid
RANO: Angry pineapples making funny reggaeton noises!
Sean: Pineapples & burgers, what do they mean to you?
RANO: The first are very rude tropical fruits and burgers are very happy with big melting smiles.
Both are delicious!!
Sean: Your earliest childhood memory.
RANO: Sleeping all day in my favorite chair.
Sean: What do you have for breakfast?
RANO: Chococrispos with yoghurt!!
Sean: Tell me about Santiago, Chile & what you do there! by Richard Hofmeier
RANO: It’s a very boring place. It has too many beautiful places, but the only thing to do for fun is
drawing a lot and make polka riddims in my computer. I don’t know what I do here, maybe this is
because I’m a very bored person. Oh yeah, I fit in perfectly! Cactus is mainly interested in stimulating you: he wants to provoke the visceral sen-
sations of comfort, ease, fun, frustration, fear, disgust, nausea, shame, contempt,
respect, finality and irony. Cactus is a video game artist, of course, and his games
stimulate their audience members by means of subverting earned expectations.

In Clean Asia!, the word “clean” in the title refers to the sharp-edged, high contrast
visual trademark of this game, but also to the game’s ultimate objective: the act of
making Asia clean by exterminating enemies. In the case of Clean Asia!, the enemies
are the emancipated eyeballs of the entire human race. The player chooses one of
two twin brothers Mickey R. Dole or Mackey L. Dole (both eyeless psychics) to pilot
an experimental fighter ship into Korea, Japan, Thailand, and (with supreme diffi-
culty) China to defeat the simple shapes of their enemies. The repeatedly confirmed
assumption of this simplicity is the player’s smallest concern, and therefore we be-
come vulnerable to the mounting subversion. We begin and continue with squares,
honeycombs, and rose petals. By the end of this game, we’re dazed with sickening
vibrancy, beset by an incomprehensibly colossal mechanized cuttlefish - its single,
giant eye blinks with alien indifference to the chaos of such bullet hell. The music,
somehow, is calm. It’s beautiful.

A more overtly subversive example is Psychosomnium, where the calm visuals and
immediately apparent mechanics of a platform game (like Super Mario Brothers)
solicit a spectrum of subtle assumptions: the raw materials from which Psychosom-
nium is constructed. The game educates us to the folly of these presumptions, and
goes further by demonstrating the gentle violence and dream-like absence of logic
that’s only possible in video games. Though frustratingly difficult, linear and some-
times even stern, this, too, is a beautiful and small piece of art.

More recently, Cactus released the apparent terminus of his transgressive interests
with Norrland, as an entry in the game design festival No More Sweden. In Norrland,
the player inherits the role of a rural Swede on a solitary hunting trip. Again, involun-
tary presumptions take root as we move left and right, the screen scrolling horizon-
tally with us. We press space to shoot our hunting rifle. The shapes are as simply
rendered as imaginable, large blocks drawn in single colors. As the hunting trip
progresses, though, things grow darker. The hunter dozes off and dreams of wild
violence bombard us. Cactus wants to shock us with obscenity, with hallucinations
and desecration. He’s portraying the self-destruction of a Swedish hillbilly using
raw, screaming satire. It’s effective and disturbing.

To best enjoy these experiments, do the following: isolate yourself in front of a ma-
chine (either desktop or laptop) and be sure to use headphones. Neither food, bever-
age, nor phone should be present to distract you. Remember the newness and rarity
of such an experimental art form, and that the intention isn’t to convey information
to you or to merely entertain or challenge you. In order to be stimulated, you (like
Cactus) must perform these experiments with an open mind.

Go to CACTUSSQUID.COM and download “Cactus Arcade” to get a full taste.

BONUS REVIEW!!!
MUSCLE MARCH FOR WiiWARE
I don’t like playing video games anymore,
I have a life. But I like the idea of video
games & I like to be entertained by them
for 15 minutes on occassion. My need for
novelty in these sorts of things is 5000.
MUSCLE MARCH provided that novelty
for the exact amount of time that I want
to play these stupid games. 15 minutes.
You control one in a line of body-builders
marching after various baddies that stole
your protein powder through a variety of
silly areas. The game is an alright work-
out as well, with lots of pose-striking &
dancing to be done. -SÄ
ART WAR: PATRICK KYLE patrickkyle.com
Sean: I have a belief that octopuses are what evil wizards are reincarnated as.
Patrick: This belief you have is certainly false. Wizards who wield dark magic or “Evil Wizards”
as you described them, are eternal. They need not transfer their essence into other creatures
because their physical bodies will always regenerate.
Sean: What are some crucial things you always carry around with you?
Patrick: My Copy of The Black Arts by Richard Cavendish. I’ve also been known to wear clothes.
Sean: What is your workspace like?
Patrick: Grim. It’s usually covered in paper.
Sean: Your work is heavily occult & fantasy themed, what kind of magic are you working?
Patrick: I specialize in the Alchemy of Gel Mediums, the study of Xenolithic Xeroxing, Pigment
Pushing, and pooling east India inks. These practices together sometimes result in the formation
of images. The images often are related to my interests and things that I like to think about, such
as Dungeons, Mountains, Tombs, Black Metal and Magic the Gathering.
ART WAR: JONNY NEGRON flickr.com/photos/jonnynegron
Sean: Japanese flavors.
Jonny: I’ve been into Japanese pop culture since I was 8 years old. Until I was introduced to
manga and anime, I only knew about superhero comics like DC and Marvel. The Japanese stuff
blew my mind. As with most things, I feel that the stuff from Japan that gets popular here is not
very interesting. I can’t deny Japan’s influence, but I’m influenced by many artists, including but
not limited to: Masami Teraoka, Suehiro Mauro, Hokusai, Katsuhiro Otomo, Herge and R. Crumb.
Sean: Jodorowsky inspired alchemy.
Jonny: I was really into The Holy Mountain a few years ago. I like lots of movies. I’m generally
interested in the occult and symbology, and tend to employ some of that in my illustrations and
comics, sometimes by accident.
Sean: The 1970s.
Jonny: I wasn’t around back then, seemed like a cool place to be. as Dungeons, Mountains,
Tombs, Black Metal and Magic the Gathering.
 The Atomic Art of Jason Knapp
Sean: I was introduced to your work via your show at Eugene’s now defunct DIVA
space. I was particularly struck by how unapologetic & matter of fact the work was,
as well as the very idea of creating aestheticized mushroom clouds.

Jay: Thanks. I’m really glad you enjoy them. My main goal was to create a way for
the mushroom cloud to be accepted in a domestic space in such a form that it would
be non-threatening and appreciated for its comforting qualities. You know, some-
thing precious that you’re glad is part of your everyday environment.

Sean: Are you familiar with the Takashi Murakami’s show “Little Boy”? There are
similar themes of the mushroom cloud & of protection.

Jay: I am somewhat familiar with the Murakami show. The impression I took away
from it was that it was geared more towards the identification of the Japanese pop/
anime subculture. However, it’s funny that you bring it up. Throughout making the
work for the show in Eugene the person I spoke with most often was a young woman
who is extremely active in the Japanese fashion/anime culture of Manhattan. She
explained to me that this subculture of the ultra-cute came into existence because
of the nuclear attacks on Japan. I really had no idea at all there was that type of re-
lationship. So, regarding Murakami, before my introduction to the world which he is
representing, I probably wouldn’t have given it too much thought. But now, it’s much
more interesting to me, and I am definitely paying more attention to the relationship.

Sean: In relation to your work, & specifically about the way that we react to THE
BOMB philosophically & artistically, I thought that your reaction was very quiet,
steady & I guess Protestant in its expression. Almost as if this was a bomb that
grandma could understand.

Jay: Almost all of the ‘bomb’ related artwork I’ve seen up to this point possesses
either this predictable dramaticism about the horrors it wreaks, or is steeped in this
air of a ‘quiet memorial’ like a giant, iron monolith that humanity now must bear
upon its shoulders. I wanted to have nothing to do with those types of messages. As
something mankind has created, my feeling is that ‘the bomb’ is the closest we as
a species have ever come to making something sublime. Like, truly sublime in the
strictest sense. As an artist, that quality is something I’ve given a lot of thought to,
and it’s important to me. I know that what I make in wood won’t equal the achieve-
ment of what those men made in the desert, but I hope that it somehow deserves
its association. So, this is something that is always going through my thoughts when
I’m designing the works. I make mushroom clouds look as close as possible to how i
feel about them.

Sean: There were some residual terrors of nuclear war in the 80s that I definitely
felt, but it seems like the use of nuclear war as a political motivator has diminished
since the war on drugs & the war on terror. How does this effect your work?

Jay: Yes, I agree that the Cold War feeling has diminished in America. However, I
don’t think that the nuclear bomb as a political motivator has gone away at all. True,
except when it comes to disarmament, Americans don’t seem to pay much atten-
tion to our own arsenal. But, when it comes to the arsenals of North Korea and Iran
(not too mention Pakistan, India, China and Russia) we pay a great deal of attention.
I think that after the prolonged environment of fear that the Cold War endlessly
encouraged in America and abroad, people are willing to do whatever it takes to
prevent the spread of nuclear weapons. North Korea, for example, has been threat-
ening to vaporize its neighbors for over a decade. Will they ever? I have no idea.
But, it seems like whenever they make a threat, ambassadors and politicians swarm
their shores, and that type of attention is pretty valuable, and North Korea gets what
it wants. So, I think the the atomic bomb as a ‘political motivator’ is alive and well.

Sean: True! I could imagine the interior decorator at the Pentagon purchasing some
of your pieces for their lobby.

Jay: The Pentagon has an interior decorator? Do you know their extension number?

( I contacted the Pentagon & they said that there isn’t one lone interior decorator,
but they have various historical collections that are curated by different people.)

Sean: What’s next?

Jay: Next is hopefully more exhibitions. I’m really interested in getting people more
aware of the positive benefits that nuclear weapons have brought to us. I was truly
overwhelmed by the enormous amount of support I’ve gotten so far, and that has
helped me to know that I might be going in the right direction with this idea. Right TOP TEN MOVIES about THE BOMB
now I’m gearing up to start work on some larger pieces as well as a hand-printed by Katie Äaberg
book that will be available through participating galleries.
1. Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned
Sean: Speaking of the positive benefits of nuclear weapons, there is an association
between nuclear power & nuclear weapons. In light of the Japanese catastrophe, it to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
seems like nuclear power is going to be an ever harder sell in the future. Meanwhile (1964) Stanley Kubrick
we are using depleted uranium shells in the Middle East which have had well-doc- 2. Godzilla (1954) Ishirō Honda
umented effects on Iraqi newborns & veterans returning from military tours with 3. Akira (1988) Katsuhiro Otomo
strange side-effects. And, the bomb sort of looms over us in the background. 4. Mad Max (1979) George Miller
5. Planet of the Apes (1968) Franklin
Jay: There is absolutely a connection in the public eye between nuclear power J. Schaffner
plants, the use/storage of radioactive waste, and the atomic bomb. I’m not sure we 6. On The Beach (1959) Stanley
will ever see those things disassociated. One of the things that makes the presence
Kramer
of the bomb so effective is this general fear people have about all things nuclear. So,
in that sense, this trepidation is quite useful. Unfortunately, the vilification of nuclear 7. A Boy and His Dog (1975) L.Q.
power plants isn’t very useful whatsoever. I remember very clearly the day news of Jones
Chernobyl came out. I was a little kid on my grandmother’s farm. Honestly, I don’t 8. WarGames (1983) John Badham
know if I would be making the art work I make now if it hadn’t been for how I felt on 9. I Live In Fear (1955) Akira Kuro-
that day. Seeing what happened at that reactor has followed me my entire life, and sawa
prompted me to come to some understanding of nuclear technology’s place in our 10. Miracle Mile (1988) Steve DeJar-
culture. I’ve come to feel that it has a very important place, and is something that natt
should be respected, accepted and ultimately recognized for its benefits.
 AKIRA by KATSUHIRO OTOMO
NEO-TOKYO is about to EXPLODE!!! Back in
1988 when I was 12, AKIRA was my ACID. AKIRA
cracked open my brain in a way that Bladerunner,
a Clockwork Orange & 1984 didn’t. AKIRA was
so obviously NOW. In many ways, even though
it was made in the 80s, it is still VERY NOW. The
comic is an emotional ride through a Japan of
the future, but deals with many of the issues that
make up the world of today. It is a very savvy
work made up of complex friendships & political
scenarios. The movie is fantastic! The first time I
saw AKIRA was like BEING BORN. The original
dub by Streamline is best, don’t let anyone tell
you otherwise. -SÄ
STRAWBERRY SWITCHBLADE + L’TRIMM
or “Let Her Go Boom!”
I want to mix up Strawberry Switchblade &
L’Trimm. Youtube up the video for “Let Her Go”
& get ready! Absorb the glory. I have watched
this video way too many times. At some point I
decided that SS were like Miami Bass novelty
act L’Trimm, famous for “Cars That Go Boom.”
Youtube that up. Both acts feature two sassy
little scrumpets in skirts with big hair. L’Trimm
have Betty Boop type Brooklyn accents that
have always driven me KARAZY. I threaten that
my Goblinko Charm School will feature “how
to talk like Betty Boop” lessons, & it is no joke.
Cyndi Lauper, Columbia from Rocky Horror (Little
Nell) & L’Trimm must be studied! Combine that
with the Goth Pop of Strawberry Switchblade!
Unbeatable formula for success!!! -SÄ
HEY GOOD LOOKIN’ by RALPH BAKSHI
You NEED to know the works of Ralph
Bakshi. He is probably the most important
movie-maker in terms of American culture.
Hey Good Lookin’ is Bakshi’s cartoon about
growing up in the 50s in NYC. As with all of
his movies, I want to LIVE IN THIS CAR-
TOON. THIS IS THE WAY I SEE THE WORLD:
SEXY, VIOLENT, RACIALLY CHARGED,
FUNNY AS HELL & FULL OF GANGS! I see
stuff like this & realize that OLD NYC is a
rich cultural gravy which has been spread
thin over the USA. Stupidly, Hey Good
Lookin’ hasn’t been released on any of the
new movie formats & is only available on
old-ass VHS tapes, bootleg conversions &
youtube. -SÄ
ICONOCLAST by LARRY WESSEL
Iconoclast is a documentary about Boyd Rice,
a present-day Crowley. Rice is important, he
took advantage of the “do anything” ethos of
American disintegration in the 60s & did just that.
“My life is a testament to the idea that you can
achieve whatever the hell you want if you posess
a modicum of creativity, & a certain amount of
naivete concerning what is & isn’t possible in this
world. I’ve had one man shows of my paintings
in New York, but I’m not a painter. I’ve authored
several books, but I’m not a writer. I’ve made a liv-
ing as a recording artist for the last 30 years, but I
can’t read a note of music or play an instrument.
I’ve somehow managed to make a career out
of doing a great number of things I’m in no way
qualified to do.” -Boyd Rice -SÄ
LADY GAGA ILLUMINATI PUPPET?
When I first started reading about the Illuminati,
I realized that they were doing the same thing as
I was, except I was largely working alone & I was
12. I see the Illuminati tendency as a person hold-
ing forth a light, which will help to direct humanity
towards a desired future. People who view this
negatively will say that “the light bearer” is Luci-
fer, & that the illuminated path is the road to hell.
Throwing the Illuminati term at people is a way
for “Christians” to steer the flock away from that
person, same thing that the left does with terms
like “anti-semitic”, “racist”, “sexist” & stuff like
that. So, is Lady Gaga an occultist? Yes. Is Lady
Gaga an Illuminati Puppet? She is definitely a tool
for societal change, whether she is a puppet or a
vehicle or a puppeteer. -SÄ
HAIKU REVIEW HAIKU REVIEW
Takara Toy Co This is planet earth
Offensive logo secret Get me off of this rock
now!
Love of Offensive
And Jesus was too.
HAIKU REVIEW HAIKU REVIEW HAIKU REVIEW
Japan? For real? Wow. Tonetta wow wow Le Merde made Keshi.
Mega Mac Double Mac Hypnotic. Be on TV. They are pricey. They
are art.
Don’t Hate USA. Old ladies might love
They are radical.
SQUID
When I was a kid I was into modifying my con-
sumption in order to match up with promoted
moral concerns like vegetarianism, veganism,
don’t eat veal, don’t eat tuna, eat locally, etc, etc.
But as i’ve grown up i’ve come to realize that
most of that sort of thing doesn’t matter & that
those kinds of diets tend to be substandard OR
expensive (or both). Also, that it matters more
that I try eating as many of the wonderful things
on earth there are to eat & not worry about it.
But then there’s squid. The bio-mass of squid
overtook that of humans in 2004, the missile
shaped creatures are thriving in warming waters
apparently, therefore, it is your DUTY to eat the
squid population down to something more man-
ageable. -SÄ
PERSONAL & THE PIZZAS- RAW PIE
These jerks must think they’re pretty funny
starting a band that I made up in my head.
Together with Hotdog & the Buns, Hoboken,
New Jersey’s Personal & the Pizzas epito-
mize an oldies take on the Ramones, the Dic-
tators & the Stooges. Anyhow, I spent like an
hour just listening to Laverne & Shirley clips
of Lenny & the Squigtones today & that’s a
70s take on the 50s just like all those bands
that Personal & the Pizzas model themselves
on. Now it’s 2011 & this band models them-
selves on bands from the 70s who model
themselves on the 50s. What is this? The
Twilight Zone? Anyhow, these Pizzas are
pretty great, catchy tunes. Pizza. -SÄ
NARDWUAR THE HUMAN SERVIETTE
Nardwuar is a cultural warmachine operat-
ing out of Vancouver, British Columbia,
Canada. Nardwuar is possibly the greatest
interviewer working today, taking obscure
references & rumors & connections to the
stars who are NEVER used to their inter-
viewers knowing ANYTHING about them on
this level. Nardwuar digs & finds all kinds
of nuggets to get people like Snoop Dogg
to get out of their, “i’m here to promote my
product” mode & into “i’m genuinely amazed
& stoked by this interview experience.”
Nardwuar is a weirdo & a true individual &
you need to know him. nardwuar.com -SÄ
HENNESSY YOUNGMAN
Hennessy Youngman’s “Art Thoughtz” takes the
BS language stylings of hip hop & mixes them
with the BS language stylings of the art world
which is a beautiful juxtaposition that breaks
through both BS systems & ends up being both
hilarious & profound. I guess it’s hard for some
people to read art theory & criticism with their
cloaks of academicism & deliberate obfusca-
tion, just as it is hard for some people to listen to
interviews with Hip Hop stars who just repeat the
same slogans over & over again. The popularity
of ironic distance in the 2000s actually helped
people break out of their 90s “been there, done
that” Gen X insecurity & Hennessy Youngman
uses the Trojan Horse of hip hop to actually dis-
cuss art theory seriously. And he knows, “Artists
are not real people.” -SÄ
TRANSFORMERS CASSETTES
When I was a kid & the Transformers were
first coming out & you pretty much had to get
Japanese imports of them, they were like pop-art
products from the future. A transforming Walk-
man with transforming tapes that had their own
little cases & everything? UNREAL. They still
seem unreal because there haven’t really been
any toys released since then that are that well
designed & that smart & that CONCEPTUALLY
RAD. Anyhow, TOMY TAKARA is reissuing these
OG Transformers in all sorts of variations & even
more wildly as things like working MP3 players &
USB drives! It’s too nerdy for me to buy, but I’m
into them conceptually. -SÄ
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Love of Offensive Graffiti is cool. Sid Vicious hamburger
Why would anyone It’s not art. It’s Graffiti. Punk Rock Jesus
love it? Christ. Died for
Come off it, wankers.
Love of Offensive You and me He did.
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Sid Vicious dying PC wankers cunts.
bleeding on the Anal sex satan donut
crooked cross
PC Portland sucks.
You owe it to Sid.
 ART by ROTOR ART by TOM HUDSON
Tom Hudson is an English artist who did this
ROTOR is a Spanish artist whose paintings of amazing piece here, “GAY VHS”. This is one of
prison life have blown me away. He also does my most favorite pieces of art right now. GAY
these tattoo designs in this new traditional mixed VHS is the Mona Lisa of today, the stupid expres-
with esoteric & modernist forms style that is sion of this cartoon animal, his stupid hat, lost in
coming out of the Spanish speaking nations & the Walkman world & topped off with GAY VHS.
fantastic murals/graffiti. He is definitely part of Tom is in a Cosmic Goth band called Pulled Apart
the Nihilist Trash Alchemy movement in terms of by Horses.
creating art/occult forms out of the streams of Check out his TUMBLR snakearrows.tumblr.com
pop culture that are constantly exploding out of -SÄ
the factories & TV stations. Rotor’s work speaks
to the now of today, as the modernist trash tsu- P.S. GAY VHS
nami crashes against the new age apocalypse.
Check out his BLOG rotor-danzaparatusombra.
blogspot.com -SÄ

MICKEY MOUSE RACE TO DEATH VALLEY Katie Äaberg’s TOP TEN

1. SPRING!!!
It’s easy to forget how great the old Disney 2. roller skating
cartoons & comics are after years of board- 3. BRIGHT colors (preferably lots of them at
room driven crap that has been released by the once!)
Waltless Disney Corporation. But Fantagraphics 4. ice cream
is publishing a reminder of why old Disney is 5. skirts (I stopped wearing pants about 6
so amazing & that is the Race to Death Valley. I months ago, and don’t wanna go back)
have most of these comics in old reprints & the 6. 30 Rock
style is so perfect, the cartoon language is so 7. The Hobbit by JRR Tolkien (currently read-
well developed, it’s no wonder this is the model ing this as a bedtime story to my kids, it just
for so many cartoons that come after it, not least gets better every time I read it)
the work of Osamu Tezuka & because of that, all 8. Die Antwoord/Yo-Landi Vi$$er
manga. Fantagraphics has been republishing lots 9. falafel (preferably with hummus, tahini, hot
of other great old comics like Popeye & Jonny sauce & veggies)
Peanut Vs. the Octopus Men. -SÄ 10. dried fruit (waiting waiting waiting for
fresh fruit!)

TOP TEN HK KUNG FU MOVIES TOP TEN TEN Spring/Summer Collections Anna “Ponyo” Ponto’s TOP TEN
(THAT DON’T STAR BRUCE LEE) by ALLIHALLA 10. Miyamoto Musashi: Legendary warrior in the
by COOP 1. Jean Paul Gaultier: Fantastic mix of super true sense of the word. Poet, painter, philosopher,
hardcore & feminine looks, I adore this collec- & totally badass swordfighter. Pick up Takehiko
COOP has a show coming up in July at Corey tion. Joan Jett haircuts & David Bowie shoulders, Inoue’s manga, Vagabond, to read about Musashi
Helford Gallery in Los Angeles. coopstuff.com make it flawlessly motorcycle girlfriends who in a stylized, glorified, action-packed format.
don’t give a fuck. There’s themes of these totally 9. Wu-Tang Wednesday: Bring the motherfucking
1. 8-Diagram Pole Fighter - Fucking AMAZING. sweetie light floral fabrics, then edgy motorcycle ruckus, all day, every Wednesday.
Director Lau Kar Leung creates the best, most jackets, & fishnet & lace body suits but it works! 8. Iceland: Last year, Reykjavik elected Jón Gnarr,
elaborate and completely insane action se- 2. Junya Watanabe: The shapes are so indescrib- a comedian/contributor of Iceland’s punk (but
quences of his entire career. The climactic fight ably Japanese. Covering all the models faces probably not so punk) scene, as mayor. Gnarr
reaches an unbelievable high point of WTF, and makes it really eerie like they are the ghosts of backed up his satirical “Best Party” campaign
then it REALLY shifts into high gear. If you watch Fruits Magazine. I put this line at the top of my list with rewritten words to Tina Turner’s “Simply the
this and don’t LOVE it, then don’t even bother because it is just too concise & together not to Best.”
with the rest of the list. rule. There’s a childish, nautical feeling to it all & I 7. Half/Half Hair: A paradoxical mashup of action
2. The Boxer’s Omen - Two words - WIZARD love the only color being these crazy wigs. & indecision! For those who can’t pick just one
BATTLE. Weird Buddhist black magic kung fu 3. Roberto Cavalli: Although I don’t love too color. For those unafraid of commitment.
movie with enough weirdness to completely blow many of these looks, I like this line because it is 6. Freckles (real or imagined): I walked into a pho-
your mind. If you want to see an evil devil woman so thoroughly together & themed. The look is toshoot the other day with Amelia, faux freckles
(born from the corpse of an alligator) get her skin like drugged out hippy mama sluts. Total hippy casually & humorously speckled across my face.
ripped off, then dance the Frug, this is your movie. festival wear, but for poser rich girls. I like the 70s I thought it looked like dirt. But photographer/
3. 36th Chamber of Shaolin - The classic Lau reference and all the absurd fringing going on. fashion genius, Dorothy Siemens, assured me
Kar Leung/Gordon Liu movie. Brilliant training 4. Burberry Prorsum: Cool spiked & studded jack- that she saw plenty of ladies rocking the same
sequences in each of the titular chambers of the ets in a mom chic execution. This looked like a look when she lived in Japan. Cute. Weird. Reas-
Shaolin temple. cop-out to me, but I decided this style isn’t ripping suring.
4. Dirty Ho - More Lau Kar Leung/Gordon Liu off Punk because it’s too clean & mature looking. 5. Tron Legacy: I am a huge sucker for good
genius. Shaw Bros. aficionados consider it a high 5. Moschino: Cha cha rodeo clown meets south- sound engineering. Tron Legacy blew my face
point of kung fu cinema, with some amazingly ern hottie. Feminine ruffles in polka dots & stripes out the back of my head with its somehow
baroque fight sequences. It’s really funny, too. make classic pin-up silhouettes, but exaggerated energetic, yet meditative soundtrack (courtesy
5. Come Drink With Me - an early masterpiece, to clown-ass proportions. Accessorized to the of Daft Punk) & SUPERfly sound manipulation. A
heavily influenced by Kurosawa. max. It’s busy & crazy, yet palatable. cinematic explosion! 1982’s Tron sits comfortably
6. My Young Auntie - A Kung Fu comedy from Lau 6. Hermes: Zorro babes. I didn’t particularly care on another end of the spectrum, with a feel like
Kar Leung, starring the lovely Hui Ying Hung. for the looks, but I was impressed by how concise an experimental psychedelic art piece. Like Tron,
7. Heroes Of The East - China vs. Japan - whose the line was & I love the leather chest harnesses. PORK fights for the users!
martial arts are the best? Some incredible fights, I also think the masculine suit look is really well 4. Sweet Potatoes: Do everything you do with
wrapped around a Kung-Fu take on The Taming executed. Totally riding crop domination babes. regular potatoes, but replace with sweet pota-
Of The Shrew. Also, Gordon Liu with hair! 7. Dolce & Gabbana: Like fancy undergarments toes. It will taste better. For flavor! For health!
8. Master of The Flying Guillotine - Totally batshit from a romance novel. I’m into the see through 3. The Color Yellow: Did you know that our own
Kung -Fu tournament that is the inspiration for the lace cut outs & there’s a rich undertone to every- sun radiates on the yellower side of the visible
Street Fighter videogame franchise. Soundtrack thing, not in a gaudy or gross way, which I think light spectrum? It means Summertime literally
by Krautrock legends Neu! I would prefer. The richness here is like blonde tints everything our eyeballs see with buttery
9. Fist of the White Lotus - a sequel (sorta) to the girls in expensive cars and impractical shoes. yellow warmth. Things I like when they are yellow:
also-recommended “Executioners From Shaolin”, 8. Givenchy: Goth terrorism with mismatched buff orpingtons, hair, nail polish, Pikachus!
Lo Lieh chews up the scenery with glee as testi- layering & weights of materials, & so many use- 2. Skronky Ginger Tea: Boil water. Add tons of
cle-retracting evil master Pai Mei, pounding the less zippers. Tripp gone high end. The makeup & ginger, honey, lemon, & optional hibiscus. Drink
bao outta Gordon Liu until he learns the secret of styling, like the hair having a center part & dark to cure all ailments.
needlepoint kung fu, from Hui Ying Hung. lipstick complete the effect. 1. Star Trek The Next Generation: Patrick Stew-
10. The Brave Archer - if you made it this far, 9. Marc Jacobs: I swear this line was inspired by art. Outer space. Stephen Hawking cameo. Need
here’s dessert. The best crazy characters (The Jodie Foster in Taxi Driver. The coloring is rose I say more?
Weird Seven!!!) and Alexander Fu Sheng at most colored glasses & old Polaroids. These giant
doltish, Hui Ying Hung at her most lovely, and floppy hats and the jumpsuits say 70s mafia (Star Trek: The Next Generation is like if PBS
absolutely NO archery whatsoever. wives, sophisticated wrecks. rewrote the original Star Trek. Lavar Burton,
10. Gucci: I’m a sucker for fringe, so Gucci made Whoopi Goldberg, etc. This is the future I do not
Everything on the list is currently available on it to my top 10 almost based on the leather tas- want under any circumstances! -Sean Says!)
DVD and (probably, I didn’t check) Netflix. sels on these belts. For evil step moms on safari.
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In Battle No Law. Don’t Hate Qadafi GG Allin dude Bobby Seale hero. Lenny & Squigtones

Denial of Destiny. You are being con- He did some cool art Get Black Panther BBQ 50s from the 70s
trolled check it.
Concession of Pain. Power to the People Hi Fonzarelli.
By the media. Sensitive Punker.

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Michael Jackson lives. Psychotic crazy Buddha Swastika Beard trend is over. Warhol is the key.

Dave Dave is key to Pineapple legendary Don’t hate the Lucky Come on. Look at Mick To the door of the
kingdom. Pinwheel. Jagger. future.
Pyno man Berkeley.
Disguised in Dubai. Means englightenment Quit hiding monkey. You don’t get Warhol?

unbelievABLE!!! NEWS OF THE WORLD WITH JASON MCKAY
witchcraft! hoaxes! cryptoids! ufos! ghosts! cults! conspiracy theo-
ries! scientific scares! the occult! & all manners of weirdness from
the desk of the northwests’ premier dubiologist: jason mckay!
March 2 - UFO
The United Kingdom released more files from their own secret government ‘X-Files’ on
UFO sightings from the last several decades. Missing from the files are reports from
the 1980 Rendlesham UFO Incident (Britain’s own Roswell controversy, which frankly is
nearly as interesting)!
March 3 - UFO
...and coincidentally, a former British policewoman and spiritual healer makes the
claim that the UFOs (and for that matter, their alien pilots the ‘Gray’s), which she has
witnessed personally are not only friendly, but they can cause orgasms just being near
them.
March 5 - MIRACLES
Thousands flock to a small Malaysian village which is home to two trees which drip holy
water, which is a sign of good fortune, particularly for winning when playing the lottery!
March 10 - CULTS
British cult leader and sexual deviant Colin Batley, known for threatening his disciples
with black magic, has been convicted in the British courts for multiple counts of sex
abuse in a fifteen year career as a cult leader.
March 11 - SCIENTIFIC SCARES
Despite contradictory claims from astronomers across the planet, astrologers across
the planet blame the recent ‘Supermoon’ for the recent Japanese tsunami, due to the
chaotic weather changes that follow the Moon’s gravitational pull on the Earth.
March 12 - GHOSTS
A school in Kondhwa, India was temporarily closed due to frightened children refusing
to go to school and leaving in fear of it being haunted, after numerous children wit-
nessed seeing an ‘egg-shaped’ ghost throughout their classrooms.
March 13 - ANCIENT MYSTERIES
A team of scientists and archaeologists believe they may have solved the mystery of
the lost city of Atlantis, which they may have found on the marshy shores of Southern
Spain, due to a giant, ancient tsunami.
March 14 - WITCHCRAFT
A man staying at a Days Inn motel in Lynnwood, Washington not only believed he was
surrounded by ‘spawns of Satan’ and the Anti-Christ, but believed he was sharing a
hotel room with the Devil himself. So he set his blankets on fire, which quickly spread
through the rest of the motel, in attempt to save people from Satan.
March 21 - PSYCHICS
Eastpointe City, Michigan’s city council in an attempt to prevent fraud, demands that all
local psychics and mediums must pay an annual fee of $150 to legally work as ‘legiti-
mate’ professional psychics, with a criminal background check to reassure clients
they’re not fraudulent. This legitimizing however, doesn’t promise a real paranormal
experience!
March 24 - CRYPTOID
Siberian government officials and Hominology scientists at Kemerovo University work
together to create an official scientific institute to study and search for the elusive Yeti.
March 28 - WITCHCRAFT
Tanzanian faith healer, Rev. Ambilikile “Babu” Mwasapile, 76, pleads with locals to stop
making mass trips to his tiny village for his miraculous cure-all potions, after fifty-two
people are trampled (local authorities claim the waiting line stretched fifteen miles)
waiting for his magic concoction.
March 30 -WITCHCRAFT
Catholics priests lead a six-day conference discussing the need for more exorcists
(which are apparently hard to come by nowadays) due to the rise in the interest of Sa-
tanism and increased devil-worship due to all the information available on the internet.
April 2 - CONSPIRACY THEORY
After various television personalities, such as Judge Judy, begin to mysteriously start
speaking gibberish on-air, many begin thinking U.S. government microwaves are to
blame, due to mind control experiments.
BONUS!!! REPTOID MENACE UPDATE!!!
After being popularized by David Icke, the Reptoid
Conspiracy Theory has gone beyond the fringe & is
now a full-blown counter culture. If you aren’t famil-
iar with this concept, you’re not paying attention! In
a nutshell, the world is controlled by a shadowy elite
of shape-shifting, human-alien hybrids who have been
messing with humanity since cave-man days.
who is bobby madness?
Bobby Madness is an old school, underground
Punk Rock cartoonist, originally from Ithaca,
New York. Bobby moved to California in the early
80s & started doing art for various Punk things
including Cometbus. This lead to Bobby doing
the masterwork Cometbus #39, an autobio-
graphical piece that is pure California 80s Punk.
Bobby eventually moved to Oregon, because the
Black people in all the poor neighborhoods he
lived in in Cali kept telling him to get the fuck out!
So he got out & settled in Portland where he has
a lady & a kid. His comics are being published by
Teenage Dinosaur. -Sean
boycott boycotts
I understand that the internet is a dumping ground for rants, raves, messages and taunts that
have no footing in reality-believe me, I know. But honestly, after cruising the compooter trying
to network, stay informed, or just generally keep up on what’s going on, I have to say, there’s
a lot of whining out there that just shows how inexperienced a lot of the world is. It makes me
question the motivation of the writer more than the point they’re supposedly trying to make. It
seems you have a lot of people embarking on various campaigns for causes, throwing around
words and trying to be all overly serious, when all they’re really saying is “hey! Look at me!”. I
also read a lot of misguided bullshit from people beefing about royalties owed to them, or trying
to organize boycotts or portray this person or that as an asshole, usually trying to force someone
to get their comeuppance over past grievances. I mean, that’s what they say, anyways - usually
the reality is either that they’re jealous, they’re competing, or they just plain don’t understand
the nature of the business. I understand - shooting off my mouth without thinking is
my forte. On the other hand, if you’re bitching because some company ripped you off for your
art ten years ago, you sound kind of like the “two dollars” kid from Better Off Dead. How much
demand do you really think there is out there for groovy, quirky art? Or judgmental, patronizing
barely hidden sideswipes at your competitors? It just seems like before people start dissing
some half honest chumley distributor clerk, just because he made a dime off your art you
couldn’t sell anyway, maybe they should just chalk it up as a learning experience with some free
exposure. I lost a few friends off being demanding about payment, and believe me, with some
hindsight, I realize I should’ve kept my mouth shut and given them some time and understand-
ing, instead of venting on them, shakedown style. Most people do the best they can, and if it’s
not good enough for you, so you lost a couple bucks. Whoopee fuck - lesson learned. Move
on. If you’re yelling about the point, you’ve already missed it, probably. Or, if you really want
revenge on the capitalists who wreck our lives, there’s only one real choice - buy Madness com-
ics - they’re nutritious and contain 10% less fat than other Comic/Zine/Bulletin/Gazette/Tribune/
Times.
Punk planet - a belated obituary
Man, I just went to my favorite magazine store, the bad apple free box, and I found a copy of punk
planet. Man, I liked that mag, but I loved seeing it go under more. It was really corny and elitist.
I’m just really glad there aren’t enough punks out there that are stuck up enough to support a
mag like that. Just the whole tone of it was so annoying and self congratulatory. It was some
great writing, but it was not punk. Therein lies the problem with punk-it started out as a reaction
to trends in pop music and the world at large. And that’s what relegates punk rock to being a
youthful form of rebellion. You cant go anywhere with it. It started out as a fuck you to the world-
if you take it any farther it loses its cache’. plus, it’s just not popular enough to get past being a
sub-genre. You look up some of the best tunes - Posh Boy’s Cock, or Crimpshrine, or whatever,
on youtube music. They get like 300 hits at best. So its not like this music would take over the
world if it wasn’t for the record companies or the system. That’s also the beauty of it. It’s just not
that popular-that guarantees its underground status. You cant sell out real punk-it doesn’t sell
enough. Not that many people want to hear 3 chord rock with bad vocals. By the time you get
past the finger pointing and the hate, and you get down to some serious self examination, you’ve
already lost it. Another reason i’m glad Punk Planet folded was they practiced self
censorship, which has no place in punk rock, or any underground culture. Finger
pointing takes over, and judging doesn’t work in a supposed wide open field of ideas. Like, okay,
sexist or racist or homophobic imagery is banned-sounds like a good idea. So some riot girl puts
a picture of her girlfriend on the cover. Well someone else might see that and say ‘”why is she
on the cover? They’re using her tits to sell mags - that’s sexist”. I know gay cats that think queer
is a hurtful word. Some people find it liberating. Others find it offensive. Inoffensive punk? Come
on now. These bands in this mag-probably 2 of them are still around. There’s actually a 1 page
ad asking people to send in 10 bucks if they support what they’re doing at the magazine. That’s
fucking retarded. Aaron gave me a bunch of cometbus mags when I did an issue for him/me, and
I mailed them a bunch of them, and they wouldn’t even review them. Besides Leah’s articles, I
(and a lot of other people) had no use for their shit. I congratulate the Punk Planet staff-on failing,
and thus renewing my faith in punk fucking rock.
YOUNG YOUTH
Back in senny-tre’ I was 8 years old. My mom moved upstate to escape my dad and I got trans-
ferred to middle school in hicksville. My long hair and hippy threads made me an instant target.
From my first second in that school all I heard was how I was a fucked up welfare scum, and a
rotten piece of shit. I was a greaseball, or a slimeball, no-good boce boy, reject, fag,
etc. Then even the greaseballs stomped me, for not being tough enough to kill
cats. It sucked - and it didnt help that my older brother was about to get out of reform school for
decking Mr. Gallo, and stealing a truck high on white crosses and glue. And the school bus was
my torture chamber. The jocks would punch me for having greasy long hair, plus they said my
mom and sister were whores, and would turn around their class rings and smack the middle of
my head till it bled. When Damian got out of the joint, his friends heard me crying - they all had
long hair and frye boots, denim vests and were total outcasts - and they blew weed smoke in my
face on the way in. They thought I was cool, looking all rock roll even though I was 8, and with Da-
mian’s seal of approval, they vowed to save me at recess. “Hangin’ out with his fag girlfriends”
was all I heard..... till recess. I shit thee not - as i sat alone in the sandbox, after my 3rd period
beatdown, four high schoolers - Damian, Deadman (Paul - who I think wasnt even in school
anymore), Dan C, and Peter Rentz - that’s right, the guy who later that year HACKED UP HIS
MOM and RAPED HER - come walking through the playground. They have a desktop tape player
blasting Black Sabbath - smacking anyone in their way. They cut a beeline to me - a bully goes
down, someone catching a frisbee gets tripped, landing on the monkey bars - basically punching
and kicking midgets right and left, never even looking at them - just casually walking to me. They
sit down, light smokes - ”What’s up, Bobby? These fuckers giving you shit?” They smash a head,
flick a cig into an eye. A teacher yells “You can’t smoke here!” ”FUCK YOU CUNT!” they scream.
And finish their smokes. On the bus-ride home though, Marty Seamon couldn’t resist - he had to
smack my head even though Damian was right there. He smiled - Damian stomped on Marty’s
little brother’s hand and broke his fucking nose. Snot and blood were all over the floor as they
both cried and spurted blood all the way home. They suspended him, but it was fucking great.
VIDEO TONFA by VILLAGE IDIOT

THIS REMIX IS OLD FASHIONED by DAN SHOUP

Since people started filesharing on the internet the media has been parroting
this hysteria about ‘stealing’ music. The copyright racketeers want clubs to pay
royalties for every song played at an open mic night, and to charge employers for
playing CDs at work. In Britain, a woman was sued for singing at the grocery store
she worked at without paying royalties for her “performances”. In 2009, ASCAP
decided that even ringtones on your phone were a “public performance”! The
courts threw it out, because they’re not THAT stupid. And we’ve all heard stories
about the battles between the record companies and the entire genres of hiphop
and techno over sampling: those fights have been rolling since the 1980s.

Let me lay the archaeo-pop perspective on you, PORK readers. Politicians and
record companies would like you to believe that this intellectual “property” trend
– which coincidentally makes a lot of money for certain people – is some kind of
manifestation of cosmic justice. But that’s bollocks. Copyright didn’t even apply
to printed music in America before 1831, and no one thought of charging royal-
ties for performance until the 1880s. Records didn’t hit the mass market until the
1890s. Before then, the idea of a musical performance as a commodity that could
be bought and sold was literally unthinkable. It’s been with us barely more than a
century.

One century?! Get real. Pop music has been around as long as people: both us hu-
mans and our Neanderthal buddies had flutes 40-60,000 years ago. (Music could
be even older: apes are known to beat rhythms on logs.) In a lot of preliterate
traditions, music and stories were shared by travelling bards, whose fame relied
on their ability to tell familiar stories in new ways. The stories behind the Odys-
sey and Iliad were 500 years old by the time they were written down. Before that,
bards told the stories in hundreds of different ways, using poetic formulas to make
the story familiar but different at the same time. The fame of the bard was in his
musical ability – to tell the story well – but also in his ability to innovate based on
familiar material: remixing old riffs into something fresh and new. No one thought
that someone ‘owned’ the story of Achilles’ rage, or had the exclusive right to sing
about how much Nausicäa wanted to get boned by Odysseus.

As soon as we get written history, there’s Mencius: Love Pop Music Sincerely,
mention of pop music: as the anecdote Get Good Chi (China, circa 350 BC)
On another day, when Mencius was in
goes, a Chinese king once asked the sage
audience with the King he said, “You told
Mencius, guiltily, if he was a bad guy for lis- Zhuang Bao that you liked music. Is that
tening to nothing but pop music and ignor- really so?”
ing the classics. This in the 4th century BC! The King blushed. “I’m not capable of ap-
Already we get the famous tension between preciating the music of the ancient kings,
music we SHOULD like and the music we I just like popular music.”
actually DO like. In the Hellenistic kingdoms “If Your Majesty loves music deeply, then
and the Roman Empire, the music we DO the state of Chi is not far off! The music of
today comes from the music of the past.”
like was transmitted from town to town by
solo artists and groups who travelled a circuit of festivals and and auditoriums,
often competing for prizes. These groups weren’t exactly like our pop bands:
they could include dance, poetry, and music (in the Greek sense, all the arts were
‘music’, i.e. the things of the Muses). But more importantly, they played both pop
music and the classics: what artists brought to the table was their performance
skills and their ability to make something innovative out of familiar sounds and sto-
ries. They played new tunes, but no one told them they had to pay to play the old
ones. Reworking a riff so that it got stuck in the heads of girls from Argentomagus
to Alexandria: that was dominance.

Fast forward to our century. All of a sudden, music as a physical thing is irrelevant
and impossible to control. Music companies that got bloated and smug during the
1970s heyday of album-oriented rock have watched their sales go down the toilet.
Copying digital files is never going to be harder than it is right now. There is NO
GOING BACK. The music companies have lost the war to control recordings, and
within a generation most of humanity’s recording music will be available for free
to everyone online. Cretins like Bono whine that no one will ever pick up a guitar
again if they don’t get paid every time I whistle ‘Sunday Bloody Sunday’. I’d be
happy if he follows his own philosophy, but he’s an idiot. Music is hardwired into
people. The only interesting question is how it’s made and who can make a living
at it. I see two implications from our modern trend. If recordings are free, the expe-
rience you pay for is the performance: groups with good stage presence have the
edge. And, if you can’t control copyright, you can’t control remixing and music
gets in touch with history again. Freed from the need to have recording contracts
and obey copyright laws, musicians can focus on being good performers and em-
bedding themselves explicitly into the fabric of music that has gone before.

The digital age, then, has basically returned us to historical normality: the trends
everyone was shocked by in the last couple decades (Sampling! Remixing! File-
sharing!) return us to a situation that is more 400 BC than 1950 AD. Ghostface
Killah samples Tears for Fears? Jay-Z pays tribute to Alphaville? These are the
bards respecting the elders but telling the old stories in new ways. Excellence is
not: is it all new? but, does it make us happy? As Mencius says, if you really love
music, your good Chi is right there. In 100 years – no, in 50 – this war to make the
world’s music the private property of some cartels in London and Los Angeles is
going to be seen for what it is, a sinister and repulsive attack on human culture.
Three days ago, I climbed a century-old artillery battery and took a short nap atop its
rusty spotting tower under a hot sun and cold breeze. This was during a long lunch
break I spent out among the Madrona Trees at Fort Worden, less than one mile from
over 500 women who made art as I slept.

Inside the bunker buildings and the training facilities of this fort, masterful craftsmen
instructed the attending women to sand, saw, screw and staple all manner of deco-
rative, declarative arts and crafts at this festival now twelve years familliar to Port
Townsend, Washington. ARTFEST is best described by its own name, but maybe it’s
worth appending the clarification that, yes, the attendees are almost wholly females,
nearly all of them aged 40+.

As a first-year member of the crew, I suspected that the collectively female term (“The
women”) was an exaggeration, but I learned the truth in Registration, where I warmly
welcomed the women whose surnames names ran from R-Z. Karen? Hi, Karen. Here’s
your badge and key, a list of your classes is on the top right. This bag also belongs to
you, now. Inside is a book that looks just like this, and it contains answers to every ques-
tion imaginable. Yeah, it’s a profound little book. Nice meeting you, Karen - hope your
week is magical.

Later, the Artfest opening ceremony was held in The Pavillion at Fort Worden. This facil-
ity, one of only two such facilities left standing in the country, was built to construct and
perform maintenance on hot air balloons in the first world war. The punchline is that this
toweringly beautiful, oddly convex structure has never once had such a balloon within
its walls, never fulfilling its explicit purpose, and now serving a destiny that’s pretty
strange to its imagined one. Before the seated audience (again, numbering around
525 people, almost entirely composed of women except for the small crew of 10 or
so young men [including your correspondent]), the event’s organizers stood up to a
podium microphone and gave a solemn and generous welcome. The teachers (I’d have
to guess 30 or so?) introduced themselves and gave names to their classes. The crew
was then told to make our terse introductions, too. Name, how we know the organizers,
and who we are in our “real lives”.

“My name’s Richard and I’m a neigh-

bor to Teesha and Tracey’s work-
shop. I’m an illustrator, but my real
passion lies in lifting heavy things for
charming women.”
The audience, composed almost wholly of charming women, felt it best to respond with
laughter and applause. This, as may be obvious, brought me some comfort. In the fol-
lowing days of workshops and classes, I did just that. Up and down stairs with suitcas-
es, toolboxes, backpacks and heavy purses I was happy to hear stories of sons my age
gone to Kentucky to teach physics and of single daughters my age who like guys with
neckties. These flirtations, like the art being made, were innocent. The food in the caf-
eteria was likewise faultless and even the bawdy, beer-drinking crew told jokes without
malice. I’d expected to glimpse beyond the veneer by joining in their late-night poker
playing profanities, but the safety measures held tact throughout the entire event.

On the last night at Fort Worden, the attending women were invited to display their art-
work in building 205, once called the barracks and later the dormitories. Having been
a crew member, I wasn’t permitted attendance of any classes and had only heard pe-
riphery dialog about the things being learned. Now, on Show-And-Tell night, I saw the
artifacts laid out, or, more precisely, bunched together on tables. Each piece, I’ve got
to say, bore the evident signature of its instructor much more so than that of its artisan.
The idea, I was told, is that the instructor teaches techniques which the students later
take home and work into their vocabulary of styles, seasoning their artistic abilities and
making them more capable artists. This is, to me, an intriguing notion and a fair one, but
one question was now being demanded more loudly: Why only women?

I never got an answer to that one. At least, I never got any acceptable answer to it. The
question was mostly avoided when asked, but occasionally I was told that, maybe,
women are just more in touch with their artistic sides and other such contemptible
bullshit. My very insightful and highly female companion, Jenny, speculated that these
women are probably just free to explore their creativity in ways that weren’t feasible in
their shared pasts: roles of motherhood and harsh schooling had chastened their ar-
tistic wills, but now with empty nests, negligent husbands, and deceased parents these
women can simply do what they’ve always wanted.

But wouldn’t this answer also be true of men? If we’re talking about the cultural shift
which carried Westerners away from being strictly productive and pragmatic, it must
be said to be equally evident in the lives of similarly aged men. Soldiering was the ac-
cepted recipe, and young men were guided away from dangerous and pitiable careers
as artists. Nowhere else than there, at old Fort Worden, is this shift more obvious.

I left the fort by car, that gender question remaining an interesting mystery. But as I
drove through the old battlements and batteries, many answers declared themselves,
unbidden: At a place where, 100 years ago, men toiled, trained and took up the tools
to fight and kill, there is now an unaccountably positive and encouraging arts festival
where the capital concern, demanding safety and protection, is that of the sanctity of
artistic creativity. -Richard Hofmeier