First Name Last Name

219 Sample Dr.

Los Angeles, CA 90007
Phone: 000-000-0000

Attn: Graduate Application Committee

University of Central Massachusetts
Boston, MA 00000
Oct 30th, 2019

My first love was science, my second was connecting with people. When I was a kid, my
favorite toy was a science set that my mom bought from a craft store. I loved making
experiments and seeing what “potion” I could create. After high school, I continued developing
my love of science at Blossoming Bar Outdoor School. I taught fifth and sixth graders there
about science standards and working together. My favorite class to teach was called
Communities, it was two and a half hours of team building with an entire class of students.
Connecting with people was something I’d taken for granted and teaching Communities was
the first time I realized that I really liked helping create a community for people to thrive and
feel safe in.
When college came around, I didn’t really understand my potential career options
outside of engineer, hard science, teacher, or business. Knowing I liked science, I got my
undergraduate degree in Geology. Once I had graduated, I still felt that something was missing.
I had followed my heart to science, but I didn’t want to do that science. I was more interested
in working with people than I was with rocks and I wanted my career to reflect that.
After graduation, I have taken some time working with Local Credit Union as a Lead
Teller, a career transition that satiated my need to work with people. Through Local Credit
Union I’ve gotten to create my own small projects for my team. I put together meetings where
Commented [HH1]: A formal variation for this phrase
could be, “There, I taught fifth and sixth graders about…”
Commented [HH2]: Good place for a comma as there is a
natural pause here.
Commented [HH3]: “I really like helping to create a
community” is a formal variation of this phrase, up to you
which you choose.
Commented [HH4]: Here “once” is being used as a
conjunction, variations included: “after” and “as soon as,” I
would suggest using “after,” because it matches the tone of
your writing more.
Commented [HH5]: A determiner (like “the,” “the field of
science,” or “geological science”) would clarify here but is
dependent on what you mean in the next part of this
sentence…
Commented [HH6]: …what do you mean when you
reference to “that science” do you mean geology? Or hard
science? Clarify that either here or like I mentioned in the
previous comment so the reader doesn’t feel like they are
missing something.

team members learn about Growth Mindset, uplifting each other, and identifying their Commented [HH7]: This is a great sentence to wrap up
on! It shows a little personality in a formal piece of writing!
professional strengths. It was through this that I realized this is what I want to pursue. I want to Nice!
get into the science of helping people team build and increasing workplace productivity as a
Commented [HH8]: I suggest changing this to “Since
career. I started asking questions like, “How do I make my team more effective?” and, “What graduation, I have been working with/at…”
times in the day do people hit their slump?” I want to be able to not only answer those Commented [HH9]: “that has satiated” shows that it
questions but have solutions for them. After talking to enough people about my “dream job”, I ...
gave you a feeling of satisfaction for some time, but recently
found out it had a name: Organizational Psychology. All I had to do was look it up and I knew it Commented [HH10]: “I’ve gotten to” is a phrase I ...
was the perfect path for me. Commented [HH11]: Another moment where we can ...
My hope is that by completing my master’s at the University of Central Massachusetts, I Commented [HH12]: “learned” if it has already ...
can consult with businesses on making their workplaces more efficient and how to make their Commented [HH13]: I suggest specifying what “this” is.
employees happier. I want to learn what questions need to be asked and then how to answer
Commented [HH14]: A style choice here would be to ...
them. I’m excited to be a part of UCM’s global and wholistic approach to organizational
Commented [HH15]: No comma necessary.
psychology. The program’s focus on building analytical skills and studying the theoretical
Commented [HH16]: “dream job,” comma on the inside...
framework of organizational behavior is the perfect foundation for becoming a consultant in
the global market. It seems like just the platform I need to learn how to adapt and create Commented [HH17]: A more formal way to phrase this ...

organizational solutions for companies. Commented [HH18]: I would consider making this more...
Commented [HH19]: The rest of your paragraph is very ...
First Name Last Name
219 Sample Dr.
Los Angeles, CA 90007
Phone: 000-000-0000

Attn: Graduate Application Committee

University of Central Massachusetts
Boston, MA 00000
Oct 30th, 2019

Thank you for considering my application to the University of Central Massachusetts. It

would be an honor to pursue my passion through your program.

Best Regards,
First Name Last Name