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Broken Strings

They didn't believe me was all I could think, curled up on the cold tan carpet in

my bedroom. I was crying next to my door listening to my stepmom tell my dad “what if she

says something? We can't let her stay here, she will ruin our lives.” My dad never disagreed. To

back up, when I was a freshman my uncle decided to come down and visit. I never liked him

because he always made me feel extremely uncomfortable, and he was always smoking in the

car. My dad told me he was just really friendly, so I brushed off these feelings. When he came

down to visit, I went to go see him and hangout. Everything was typical, the strong stench of

cigarettes on him that never left and my uncomfortable feelings. He took me to a breakfast place

and I was talking about the boys I liked. Then he asked me about my sex life. I went dead silent;

I just remember the look he was giving me. I felt obliged to answer because he's just my friendly

uncle, right? Later that night we were sitting on the couch watching tv and he started to touch my

feet. I told him to stop and reluctantly he did, but then he asked to go see a movie. It was nearly

midnight. This gave me a flashback to the time when a boy much older than I was wanted to do

nasty things to me in the movie theater and how I had to lie about having to go to therapy so I

wouldn't have to go with him. My uncle gave me the same look that the boy did. I knew if I

went, I wouldn't be safe. I immediately declined the offer and ran straight to my room. I cried a

lot that night, feeling so disgusting. I'm not the only one who has experienced this. I'm just one

of the millions of stories all around the world. I'm not the only one who grew up being verbally,

emotionally and physically abused.

My entire life, I was told I would never be good enough, that I should just shut up and

take it because I should be grateful to boys for even wanting me. I was treated my whole life like
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I was nothing and that nobody would ever love me. Having my own father, the man who is

supposed to protect me, turned his back on me and made me apologize to the man who made ME

feel disgusting about myself, because that was his brother and it was all my fault. So, to all the

boys and girls who have suffered the same fate, who have been abused and neglected their whole

lives I’m doing this research for them, for anyone who has had to deal with the confusion and

shame. To help us understand that we are not broken, and just like guitar strings, we can make

beautiful music again. My goal is to help myself and those around me regain our confidence and

beauty so I will research the question: in what ways does childhood trauma manifest itself in

later life and what can be done to mitigate these outcomes?

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary the definition of trauma is a deeply

distressing or disturbing experience. One commonly known childhood trauma is sexual abuse.

“Approximately 3.7 million children experience child sexual abuse each year in the United

States” (CDC). Sexual abuse does not have to involve “penetration, force, pain, or even

touching. If an adult engages in any sexual behavior (looking, showing, or touching) with a child

to meet the adult’s interest or sexual needs, it is sexual abuse” (Defining Child Sexual Abuse).

Sexual assault affects so many males and females worldwide. “About 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 13

boys experience child sexual abuse at some point in childhood” (CDC). Getting sexually

assaulted can have profound effects on a person often making them feel completely disgusting

and dirty no matter how many times they shower. They just can't seem to get rid of the feeling.

They lose trust in those around them. Even their family, because most people who get sexually

assaulted and abused are usually abused by someone the victim knows and is close to like a

father or uncle, a friend or boyfriend so then when people go to touch them or get too close the

victim will get scared and may run away or get extremely uncomfortable. “As many as 93
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percent of victims under the age of 18 know the abuser” (Child Sexual Abuse). Many cases go

unreported due to the rapists and assailants being someone close to the victim. They can be

forced to stay quiet or just are too afraid to come forward in fear nobody will believe them. It is

estimated “only about a third of cases are reported, even less among males” (Child Sexual

Abuse...).While it may happen less often to males it still does occur. When it does they are less

likely to come forward due to society constantly telling boys they should suck it up, grow some

balls and stop being a pussy. Because of child privacy laws, it's almost impossible to get

information on the statistics of cases won against abusers. This is unfortunate because “nearly

70% of all reported sexual assaults, including assaults on adults, occur to children ages 17 and

under” (Child Sexual Abuse…). Many girls will blame themselves and try to change their

outward appearance to be less desirable and hide themselves so that hopefully men don't want

them. “Today I wore a pair of faded old jeans and a plain grey baggy shirt. I hadn't even taken a

shower, and I did not put on an ounce of makeup. I grabbed a worn out black oversized jacket to

cover myself with even though it is warm outside. I have made conscious decisions lately to look

like less of what I felt a male would want to see. I want to disappear ''(Sierra D. Waters, Debbie).

All forms of abuse can create many problems that children will have to deal with

later in life. It can affect how a person thinks, acts, and feels over a lifetime, resulting in short-

and long-term physical mental, and emotional health consequences. Some examples of physical

symptoms are unwanted, unplanned pregnancies, physical injuries, contraction of a venereal

disease, trouble walking or sitting and sudden appetite changes. Being abused can also affect a

child's mental state and some of these signs are having depression or posttraumatic stress

disorder (PTSD). Children’s behavior may change, they may begin substance abuse or risky

sexual behaviors, such as unprotected sex, sex with multiple partners and increased risk for
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suicide or suicide attempts. “These children may become fearful and mistrustful of everyone and

grow up feeling isolated and abandoned.…80 percent of young adults who were abused as

children had developed at least one psychiatric disorder, such as anxiety or depression, by age

twenty-one. Still others may commit suicide” (Child Abuse). “The odds of attempting suicide are

six times higher for men and nine times higher for women with a history of child sexual abuse

than those without a history of child sexual abuse” (Child Family Community).

There is an undeniable relationship between eating disorders, PTSD and trauma. Eating

disorders are rarely about the food, they are a byproduct of unresolved trauma. “There are many

types of trauma that can be associated with eating disorders including neglect, sexual assault,

sexual harassment, physical abuse and assault, emotional abuse, emotional and physical neglect

(including food deprivation), teasing, and bullying “(Brewerton 2007).“Women who have

experienced both childhood sexual abuse and adult rape have extremely high levels of eating

disorder symptoms”(Cowden). “Approximately one-third of women with bulimia, 20% with

binge eating disorder and 11.8% with non-bulimic/non binge eating disorders met criteria for

lifetime PTSD” (Eating Disorders). As a result of sexual abuse, a woman may starve herself so

she will be no longer be viewed as a woman by the opposite sex. This is extremely damaging

because “a review of nearly fifty years of research confirms that anorexia nervosa has the

Highest Mortality Rate of Any Mental Disorder '' (Arcelus, Mitchel, Wales & Nelson).

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, a staggering 10% of women with anorexia

nervosa may die due to anorexia-related causes. Deaths in anorexia nervosa mainly result from

complications of starvation or from suicide. In cases where there is underlying trauma doctors

also need to be very careful to make sure the treatments are not having a harmful effect on the

patient. Sometimes the treatment thought to help the patient is perpetuating the trauma itself.
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“Every single time they would force me to step on the scale the next three days I would refuse to

eat again. Because every time I had to step on the scale, I was reminded why I wasn’t eating in

the first place.” (Bateman Elena, I weighed myself…) Another way a child can try to alleviate

emotional pain is self-harm. This can include cutting, burning oneself, pulling out hair. “They

cling to cutting because they believe it is the only way they can be in control of their lives and

their feelings. Yet, it is more symbolic of the absence of control. They are carrying on a

devastating legacy, yielding the control to their abuses, letting them win”(Marilee Strong, A

Bright Red Scream: Self-Mutilation and the Language of Pain). What they fail to see is “when

they hurt themselves, they become the literal embodiment of all the people who have abused and

hurt them—who have crushed their spirits and murdered their souls” (Strong 57)

To learn more about the effect’s childhood trauma has on children throughout their lives,

I asked my mentor Diane Pollock, a nurse at John Muir Hospital if she knew anyone who I could

interview and she introduced me to Patricia Frasca, a child life specialist at John Muir Hospital.

For the interview I drove to John Muir Hospital where she works. I went to the front desk and

signed in so that I would be able to enter the hospital to interview her. The receptionist called

Frasca down, and we went outside where it was warm to conduct the interview. Frasca has been

doing child life for about 25 years. She was introduced to CCLS while working as a pet therapist

in San Francisco. One day her previous boss offered her a package where she could leave and

make a lot of money. That led her to the path of becoming a CCLS. She then went to college and

got a masters in early childhood education with a specialty in hospitals. She also had to get

certified by ACLP, the Associate Child Life Profession. During our interview I asked if she had

experienced trauma herself to which she replied “how do you define trauma?” (Frasca). I was

taken aback for a brief moment because of course I thought trauma is just the basic sexual
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assault, abuse and neglect. I was wrong and this changed my whole perspective of childhood

trauma and trauma in general. As Frasca wisely said, “trauma is such a big word and there's so

many degrees of trauma.” This opened my eyes to the massive scale of trauma. There's so many

different types and variations. So many side effects people don't even know about. For example,

medical trauma, which Frasca talked a lot about during our interview. Many kids who've been

sexually assaulted, or abused, or simply just have an infection might have to go through a test

called a VCUG, where they have to insert a catheter into the child's genital area. This can be very

traumatic for a child, “we often ask parents to help hold the child when you think about it, your

parent is supposed to be supporting you not restraining you”( Frasca). Parents often have to hold

down their child, and they don't even realize what they are doing because that's just how it was

for them as well. Frasca has advocated for special numbing creams or some form of sedation for

this procedure, meaning usually there is none. Frasca’s job is so much more than just a job. She

advocates for children's rights and speaks up for them when they can't find their voice and that's

really important, she is such a strong and amazing woman. This interview opened my eyes and

changed my life. I have a whole new perspective on trauma.

I knew Denise prior to our interview. I knew I just had to take this amazing opportunity

to learn more about what she does and more about the effect’s trauma has on kids. Since I knew

Denise prior to the interview we conducted the interview at her house, we talked and ate the

pizza she had made before we began the interview. Denise Richardson is President of Open

Gate, inc. at Chabot College in Hayward. She was previously a teacher in Scotland for over 33

years where she taught elementary school kids and then went on to teach Special ED. And that

was her dream job until, when she was teaching ED in a parole center in Oakland, the graduates

had all been incarcerated and wanted to go to college but it didn't seem like there was a good
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program for them to go to in college so she decided to make that possible and established a jail to

college pipeline from Santa Rita jail in Dublin California to Chabot College Hayward California.

This is now where she currently works, giving adults who've been abused and neglected as

children the chance to change their lives for the better. She mentioned to me that, “the

recidivism rate in California is 70% which means that for everyone who gets released from jail,

70% are back within 2 years. The college graduate recidivism rate is only 3%, hardly anyone

goes back in” (Richardson). This just proved to me that what she is doing is changing lives. This

could be used all around the world to help people who've been incarcerated. “I would say almost

100% of our students have PTSD, I would also like to say that 80% of inmates in California are

former foster youth. There is definitely a link between childhood trauma and incarceration”

(Richardson). This is further guidance that childhood trauma is everywhere. And affecting

millions of people around the world. More needs to be done to help these kids before they end up

on the path to incarceration, doomed to repeat the same cycle their parents did before them.

To continue my education, I read The Deepest Well: Healing the Long Term Effects of

Childhood Adversity by Nadine Harris, recommended to me by Frasca. I learned that childhood

trauma doesn't just affect your emotional state, causing depression and anxiety. Trauma affects

your physical health as well, leaving you more at risk for chronic conditions such as a stroke or

heart disease. It has been said that “Early adversity can lead to a variety of short- and long-term

negative health effects. It can disrupt early brain development and compromise functioning of

the nervous and immune systems. The more adverse experiences in childhood, the greater the

likelihood of developmental delays and other problems. Adults with more adverse experiences in

early childhood are also more likely to have health problems, including alcoholism, depression,

heart disease, diabetes and other chronic diseases” (Early Childhood Adversity). The book talked
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about the groundbreaking study Relationship of Childhood Abuse and Household Dysfunction to

Many of the Leading Causes of Death in Adults the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE)

Study. This study looks at the correlation between the number of ACE’s a child has and their

health. What they found overwhelmingly was the higher the number of ACE’s, the greater the

chance of diseases. For example, “a person with an ACE score of seven has triple the lifetime

odds of getting lung cancer and three and a half times the odds of having ischemic heart disease”

(Harris 137).

Going through trauma causes changes in the brain, but what most don't realize is that

being abused continuously kicks in your fight or flight response and this can lead to kids getting

toxic stress. This is when the brain can no longer shut the response off when it is no longer

needed. “Children are especially sensitive to high doses of adversity because their brains and

bodies are just developing. So adverse childhood experiences are associated with changes in the

structure and function of children’s developing brains, in their developing hormonal systems, and

even in the way their DNA is read and transcribed.” (Harris 124)

So what can we do about this? The number one way to mitigate these adverse effects of

toxic trauma is with early detection and intervention. Getting children psychotherapy is

extremely important, along with debunking the myth that “young children and babies don't need

treatment for trauma because they somehow don't understand or remember the chaotic

experiences they faced” (Harris 157). Another way is for parents and caregivers to look at their

own ACE score. Because, the traumatic circumstances of their own lives affect how they respond

to their children in stressful situations. Kids feed off of their parents, so parents are going to have

to take into account how they themselves feel about certain things like a doctor’s appointments.

Millions of people are afraid to get their blood drawn or getting a shot because there's “a visceral
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reaction to it because of how we experienced it as a child” (Frasca). Usually, the parent hasn't

even fully processed what it was like for them to go through these experiences so they can get

dismissive and tell their child “it won’t hurt” or “it's not a big deal. Getting proper sleep is also

incredibly important. Lack of proper sleep has been found to hinder proper growth development.

As simple as it sounds, practicing mindfulness, learning breathing techniques and meditation.

Regular exercise is extremely helpful. Ihelps “reduce stress hormones, reduce inflammation, and

enhance neuroplasticity” (How to Reduce). There are many resources for kids who've gone

through trauma and want to get help. But, the first step to getting help is to actually want it, and

the second step is to know your options. For instance, all the different kinds of therapies and how

to find the therapist that's right for you

Coming back to my question which began this paper, in what ways does childhood

trauma manifest itself in later life, and what can be done to mitigate these outcomes? There are

many different and unique ways trauma manifests itself in a person, whether it be the short- or

long-term effects, it's all there and very real to that person. Whether the child is cutting

themselves to release the psychological pain, starving themselves to finally feel like they are in

control, dissociating to disconnect themselves from what's happening to them or losing all hope

and committing suicide. These are all ways kids deal with trauma. Not everyone has the support

or proper skills to get back on track. But there's still hope, still time for us to make a change and

teach these kids that there is a way out and you can get help. They just need you to believe them.

That's the most important thing. Kids need to feel like you are listening and care. My story has

come full circle. At the start of the paper I mentioned the story of my uncle and how my father

never believed me and actually made me apologise to my uncle. Recently I was sexually

assaulted by someone who I thought was a friend. To let out my feelings, I wrote a little poem
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and showed my friends and my teacher. To my shock they all believed me. This time, instead of

suffering alone in silence I felt I had a voice that was heard and a story I needed to tell for this

last time to show you that you're not alone. Although my guitar strings were broken, I had the

strength to pick up my guitar and use it to share my story.“And if you can't see anything

beautiful about yourself get a better mirror, look a little closer, stare a little longer. Because

there's something inside you that made you keep trying despite everyone who told you to quit,

you built a cast around your broken heart and signed it, you signed it yourself you signed it. They

were wrong! (Shane Koyczan, to this day).

Works Cited

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Anorexia Nervosa and other eating disorders. Archives of General Psychiatry, 68(7),

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Brewerton, Timothy D. Eating disorders, trauma, and comorbidity: focus on PTSD. The

Journal of Treatment & Prevention. 2007;15(4): 285-304.

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