Alexa Samano

28 May 2020
AP Literature
Mrs. O’Keefe
Laxamentum

Her body cringes, and without hesitation, she slaps his hand off from the grasp on her arm. She
looks down at his shoes, shocked by what she did, but relieved. ​He didn’t mean any harm​, she
thought, ​He was just trying to help. They’re not the same type of person. It’s okay.​Her eyes
begin to sting.

She mutters, “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” He awkwardly replies. There was a brief moment of silence, “Want to get something
to eat?”

She hummed the lyrics of an opening song of a show she had been recently watching as she
opened her locker to gather her things. She had stayed up late to finish the series, and the bags on
her eyes were evidence enough.

As she shut her locker and walked to class, she felt someone tug her bag. She quickly turned
around and saw Patricia’s annoyed face, “You stayed up late! Was it the show? I told you to
watch it when you’re free!”

“I was free before I went to sleep so-” Patricia pulled a stand of my hair, “OW.”

She sighed heavily, “Well, what’re your thoughts?”

“Loved it.”

Patricia rolled her eyes, “Of course, you’re such a romantic.”

And she is. She enjoyed watching two people slowly or quickly fall in love. Watching the main
male character slowly notice the main female character, both attempting to get the other’s
attention. Her heart would beat much faster than of the character’s and the shade of red on her
face would be deeper. -stop here?-

The bell rang and the two quickly entered their next period classroom. Patricia noticed her
quickly glance around the room. She patted her back and reassured her, “It’s okay. He graduated.
There isn’t a chance he would be here as an intern or something. He’s gone.”
She nodded in response.

She knew the likelihood of him being there is so low that she shouldn’t have to look around the
room just in case, but the memories remained intact that she subconsciously did it anyways.
Once she sat down at her assigned seat, she rubbed her arms for comfort.

It wasn’t impossible to be a romantic but still be afraid of relationships and love. She was proof
of that. She daydreamed of herself being a part of the most heartfelt moments in the
series—holding hands, sharing stories, kisses on the cheek, giving a sincere compliment—ones
that made her gush and replay the scene over and over again.

Contrary to her daydreams, her reality wouldn’t let herself date or act on feelings for any boy.
She made the first mistake of being naive and impulsive for one person, she wouldn’t let herself
go through the torture again.

She had turned down a boy she knew since middle school, and rejected another who knew her
since elementary. Though the one from middle school is sweet and wouldn’t lay a hand on her,
his emotional needs and insecurity reminded her of the person she despises the most. The one
from elementary had acted manipulative, again reminding her of that person she wishes to never
see again.

If one had confessed to her before she had met ​him​, it could’ve turned out differently.

All she has ever wanted was to be on the receiving end of romantic gestures and kindness, but it
only took one person to destroy any beliefs and hopes and instead create more insecurities.

The phone vibrates and shifts itself on the table. She pauses the video on her laptop and glances
at her phone. It’s Alvaro. She picks up the phone and swipes the green icon up, “Hello?”

“You busy?”

“Well… I’m starting another series—”

“Do you wanna go out?”

“Wa-wait, what?”

“Like to the mall.”

A breath of relief escaped her lungs, though a heavy weight landed on her chest, “Yeah, sure.”
Suddenly, three honks blast outside of her house, “Are you seriously waiting outside? You know
I have to ask first if I can.” She pushes the red icon and goes to ask her mother for permission to
go out. ​He could’ve at least knocked on the door. That would’ve been nice, s​he ruminates.

To convince her mother to let her go, she assures her that they’re just friends and that she
wouldn’t spend too much money, but her mother didn’t seem to mind this time, “You’re old
enough for a boyfriend. Be careful and wear a seatbelt.”

She looked blankly at her mother—a part of her is astonished and glad she is able to go out, but
the other part of her would have rather she said no so that she could continue watching her next
romance series.

Nonetheless, she quickly grabbed her hoodie. Her mother entered the room with her phone
pointing straight at her daughter, a voice, possibly her mother’s sister, spoke, “She is going like
that?! No one is going to want her if she looks homeless you know.” Her mother shrugs in
response.

She looks down and contemplates at her choice of wardrobe. Navy blue ripped jeans with white
converse shoes and a grey Nike hoodie over a regular tee shirt. She didn’t see anything wrong
with what she wore, but would Alvaro think differently? She doesn’t know how to put on
makeup, so it wasn’t like she could make her face look decent enough to make up for the lack of
style in clothing. She looked at herself through the mirror, cringed, and asked her mother to leave
so that she could change.

If she wears a somewhat tight shirt, it’ll look weird with her skinny jeans. Her chest is at most
size A, and with her already small, skinny body, she would appear as a stick. Her palms start
getting sweaty, ​This is stupid, maybe it’s best to not go. This shouldn’t even be a big deal, we're
just friends. It’s not like this is his type. Regardless, there isn’t a need to impress him.

She unhooked a dress from her closet, a gift that Alvaro gave her for Christmas. He thought it
was an oversized sweater, but it was actually a knit dress. It was soft, not baggy, but also not
tight. She felt comfortable with it. Though it was a dress, she looked for a belt to adjust it into a
sweater, a trick she found on a social media app that actually proved useful. She walked out of
her room feeling a bit more confident. This was for her.

Her mom smiled, “Wow, see. You look nice, but did you even brush your hair?” Not wanting to
argue, she replied by grabbing a hair brush and untangled her apparently tangled, untamed hair.
Once she was done, she rushed her goodbye and locked the door as she walked out. She notices
Alvaro on his phone, waiting patiently. She knocked lightly on his door window. He unlocked
the door and she entered and sat on the passenger seat.

“I’m really sorry for taking so long,” Her face showed sincere guilt, while his face showed
astonishment.

“It’s fine,” He finally said as he started driving away from her house, “You look weird.”

“That’s rude,” She said, attempting to cover the hurt in her voice. She starts to think she
shouldn’t have bothered.

He laughed, “No—I mean like—in a good way. I expected you in a hoodie with joggers...or
something like that, but now you look girly.”

The feeling of her heart beating is noticeable, almost as if it wasn’t necessary to touch her chest
to look for it.

Usually he would look at her straight in the eye and tell another insulting joke, but to her surprise
he looked away in silence. She couldn’t tell if he was genuine or if it was another part of his
joke, either way, she smiled, “You’re getting worse at telling jokes, you know.”

“Nah, it's your sense of humor.”

They were in the midst of a crowd, and he still had the courage to tighten her hand forcefully.
She didn’t want to cause a scene, she didn’t want the attention drawn to her, so she didn’t react.
Her face was pale, but her eyes and lips were deadpanned.

Alvaro noticed them and walked up to him first. They were talking amongst themselves and were
catching up in the middle of the school hallway until Alvaro glanced at her and smiled. She
smiled back, not wanting to be impolite, but she realized the consequence of an innocent act as
he dug his nails into her skin. She slightly winced, but continued to look unfazed.

Even though he is talking and laughing to Alvaro, she can hear him tell her how unloyal and
disgusting she is again. She was okay with that. This was the smallest thing he has done to her,
and she was fine with the piercing pain in her hand and the damage to her self-esteem as long as
it was just that.

As long as she does what he wants, he’ll stop.

The hallway was empty now that the school day was over, and Alvaro left to join practice with
the soccer team. The two walked in silence to the gym for volleyball practice.

She didn’t need to look up at him to know that he was glaring, “Why did you smile at him?”

“Because he smiled at me. I can’t be rude.”

“So if he kissed you, you would kiss him back?”

She scowled, “What?! No, we’re just friends.”

He leaned forward and forced his lips onto hers. She was disgusted. This wasn’t the same as the
first kiss. She didn’t want him to touch her, but if she dared say or show it, he would do worse.
She waited until he stopped and looked away to rub the saliva off her mouth.

He let go of her arm once he noticed a girl from her volleyball team arrived at the gym door. He
grinned at her and she waved to both of them in response. Although she was released from his
grasp, she couldn’t help but feel hurt.

She looked at the released spring clothes at Forever 21. She was content with looking at the
variety of clothing. Her eyes were glowing brighter and brighter at each item she looked at.
Alvaro stared and broke their silence, “You know, I wished you told me what he was doing to
you sooner. I would’ve—”

“You would’ve just proved his point,” She interrupts him, putting the shorts she was looking at
back where she grabbed it, “He was jealous of you. It would’ve been worse for me.”

He was confused. He didn’t understand how she could endure the abuse when she had people
around her to help. He didn’t know that the others would’ve been in pain as well if she bothered
telling anyone what was happening.

She noticed his dejected look, she waved her hands in front of his face and smiled, “I’m happy
and fine now. That’s all that matters.” It took him a moment to wake himself from her smile.

“Still,” Alvaro muttered, but before he could continue, he noticed a worker with a cart coming
behind her and he quickly grabbed her arm and pulled her to the side, closer to him. As long as
she wasn’t alone, she wouldn’t be aware of her surroundings, he knows that, but still, he caught
his mistake once he saw her face go pale.
When she slapped his hand, he was hurt for a moment, not physically, but emotionally. When
she had told him what had happened to her, he was infuriated. He became disgusted at the
thought that they were friends while he had done that to her. Alvaro knew that he wasn’t stable,
but didn’t expect that he was capable of hurting this girl. Now that he witnessed what the trauma
had done to her, he’s even more furious, but became also cautious of his actions and words.

However, his anger subsides once he notices her duchenne smile as a worker from McDonald’s
yells out their number order.