Renaaissance Men by Eric Boyd - Hys Comedy

Renaissance Men
by
Eric Boyd
warpdrive85@gmail.com
FADE IN:
INT. TAVERN - NIGHT
Wealthy MERCHANTS, ARTISTS and SCHOLARS in the finest fashions of

Renaissance Europe converse over drinks.
SUPER: Krakow, Poland. The Year of our Lord 1524.
Under a poster of POPE CLEMENT VII in an Uncle Sam pose that

reads: "The Pope wants you to crush the Protestant Reformation",
sits VALENTINUS (35), a smug German bastard draped in second-rate
velvet.
He fawns over the lovely maiden EVA (25), who barely feigns
interest.
VALENTINUS
I will present it to the Pope myself.
It may even serve as the basis for
the new calendar.
He indicates his Earth centered model of the solar system which

sits on the table while Eva sarcastically claps.
VALENTINUS (CONT’D)
How can you not be impressed? This is
first model to explain retrograde
orbits without --
-- Eva yawns. Valentinus gets desperate.
It's the breakthrough of a lifetime.
It's --
COPERNICUS (O.S.)
-- Complete horseshit!
The tavern goes silent.
All eyes are on Dr. NICOLAUS COPERNICUS MD, PhD, Esquire (50).
Draped in much better velvet, he strolls towards Valentinus with

the swagger of Europe's meanest badass.
Onlookers hold their breath, convinced that shit is about to go

down.
Eva, star-struck by the approaching stud, stands up.
EVA
As I live and breathe - Nick “Big
Dick” Copernicus.
Copernicus arrives at the table.

2.
COPERNICUS
I don’t know what’s worse,
Valentinus. That you can’t explain
the motion of heavenly bodies without
plagiarizing my formulas, or that you
lack the common decency to buy this
heavenly body a drink.
Eva blushes. Copernicus snaps his fingers at a TAVERN WENCH.
COPERNICUS (CONT’D)
A bottle of your finest sherry and
two glasses.
VALENTINUS
The very notion that anyone would
steal your blasphemous work. Your sun
centered universe defies empirical
observation. A rotating Earth is pure
heresy, and the Pope will condemn it
as such.
COPERNICUS
And since when did Protestant sacks
of shit like you, start caring about
what the Pope thinks?
Valentinus explodes out of his chair and spits on the ground.
VALENTINUS
Fuck the Protestants! And fuck you,
Copernicus! You dare make allegations
without a shred of --
COPERNICUS
-- Evidence.
Copernicus holds up a letter for the whole tavern to see.

A letter from Valentinus to the
protestant leader, Martin Luther,
requesting a post in the Lutheran
Astronomical Society.
The entire tavern GASPS in horror.

Two off duty castle GUARDS in royal tunics leap from their
barstools and draw their swords.
Valentinus, in a panic, clutches a terrified Eva from behind,
grabs what appears to be a knife off the table and places it at
her throat.
Copernicus holds up his hand, signaling to the Guards that he's
got this.
3.
VALENTINUS
Congratulations, Copernicus. I guess
you really are the world’s smartest
Polack. But if you think that every
astronomer on this stationary Earth
will happily stand aside while you
destroy their life's work, then
you're in for some serious fucking
disappointment.
COPERNICUS
Well, if all of you are arming
yourselves with spoons, I'd say I
have nothing to worry about.
Valentinus looks at his weapon of choice. It is indeed a SPOON. He

can’t believe it.
Eva elbows him in the gut and breaks free.
Copernicus roundhouse kicks him in the face.

Valentinus falls to the ground. The two Guards pounce on him and
drag him through the door.
(to Eva)
Sorry about that. I don't believe
we've been properly intro --
-- Eva enthusiastically shakes his hand as she gushes.
EVA
-- I'm Eva, your biggest fan. The way
you crush Protestants and your
academic work. My fiancé has told me
all about --
COPERNICUS
-- Fiancé?
EVA
Oh... But he is out of town.
Copernicus likes the way she said that.

COPERNICUS
Eva, how about we take that sherry to
go?
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Copernicus and Eva are making out. Things get hot and heavy.
Clothes start to come off as they move toward the bed.
There is a loud BANGING at the door.

4.
ANNA (O.S.)
(through the door)
Copernicus!
COPERNICUS
Go away.
More BANGING on the door as clothes keep coming off.

ANNA (O.S.)
(through the door)
Copernicus!
COPERNICUS
Not now!
ANNA (O.S.)
(through the door)
Copernicus! Your sister is dead.
Copernicus, stunned, stops kissing Eva. He rushes to the door.

Opens it to reveal ANNA (50), his defiant housekeeper.
COPERNICUS
Katharina! How?
ANNA
Fever got her.
COPERNICUS
Why didn't anybody tell me she was
ill? I'm the best doctor in Poland.
ANNA
There's nothing anyone could have
done.
COPERNICUS
She was the only family I had left.
ANNA
Wrong! You have five nieces and
nephews. They are your responsibility
now.
COPERNICUS
Shit.
ANNA
You can find them in the study.
EVA
I'm so sorry. Maybe I should --
COPERNICUS
-- No. Don't. I'll be right back.
Copernicus throws on a robe as he rushes out of the room.

5.
INT. STUDY - NIGHT
Copernicus stands behind his desk addressing a row of children,

THREE BOYS and TWO GIRLS, ages between 5 and 17, dressed in their
Sunday best.
COPERNICUS
I know this is tough. My mom died
when I was eleven. Your mother and I,
along with our brother, were also
raised by our uncle. And despite two
of us being dead, I’d say we turned
out pretty okay.
He fake smiles at the bummed-out children.

ANDREA (5), as cute as can be, runs behind the desk and hugs
Copernicus’s leg.
ANDREA
We love you, Uncle Nick.
This makes Copernicus extremely uncomfortable.

COPERNICUS
That's enough of that. Seriously
don't do that ever again.
He pulls her off, causing her to cry.
VIV (17), an ungovernable, blonde beauty, rushes over to comfort

her little sister.
Does she do that often?
VIV
She's only five! She misses her
mother.
COPERNICUS
I don't blame her. Your mother was
the kindest, sweetest, most
compassionate person that I have ever
known.
Copernicus's tone shifts from sentimental to forthright.

It's no wonder you're all so soft.
He reaches into his desk, pulls out a book and presents it to the
oldest boy PAUL (17), Viv's dorky twin brother.
All that ends today. You will now
live according to the teachings of
this book.
6.
PAUL
(re: the book)
Il Principe?
LIZ
It means the Prince.
COPERNICUS
It was written by the greatest
political mind of our time, my old
college roommate Niccolo Machiavelli.
Copernicus walks to an oil painting depicting MACHIAVELLI giving
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS a wedgie while Copernicus chugs a beer and
gropes a woman who looks just like the MONA LISA.
Those were the days. Hide your chicks
from the two Nicks. That was the
official motto of Florence from 1491
to 1506.
PAUL
It’s in Italian. I don't speak --
COPERNICUS
-- You will. You’re rich now. All of
you will be receiving the best
education that money can buy.
Viv’s face lights up with excitement.
VIV
We will?
COPERNICUS
Sorry, sweetie. I was just talking
about the boys. I thought that was
obvious.
Viv’s face turns sour.
He pulls a book from a shelf. It's On the Revolutions of the

Heavenly Spheres. He arrogantly tosses it on the desk.
Using the Machiavellian principles of
fear and intimidation, I’ll be
manipulating the Pope into canonizing
my sun-centered universe as official
church doctrine. Forever solidifying
my legacy as the man who brought
harmony to the cosmos.
Copernicus cracks a little smile, thinking about his sweet, sweet

legacy.
7.
VIV
We truly are blessed to be related to
such a magnificent human.
Copernicus, sensing sarcasm, suspiciously squints at Viv.
COPERNICUS
I can see we're done here.
PAUL
But --
He heads for the door in a hurry.
COPERNICUS
-- No more questions. I'm leaving for
Rome in the morning, and have someone
very important to do.
VIV
Someone?
COPERNICUS
That’s right, I’m going to get laid.
You kids just do whatever it is you
do.
He exits.
The kids mope towards the door. Except for Viv.

When nobody is looking she sheepishly takes the two books off the
desk and hides them behind her back.
EXT. WAWEL CATHEDRAL - DAY
A CHAUFFEUR secures a trunk to the top of a carriage as Copernicus

and Anna walk towards it.
ANNA
Abandoning these orphans for your own
selfish pride is absolutely --
COPERNICUS
-- Christ! You make it sound like I’m
moving to a Spanish orgy-colony in
Florida. This is official church
business.
They get to the carriage. Copernicus opens the door.
Just do me a favor and keep an eye on
that oldest girl, Liz.
ANNA
Viv.
8.
Copernicus enters the carriage and closes the door.
COPERNICUS
Whatever. I have a feeling she’s
going to be trouble.
Anna nods and walks off.
VIV (O.S.)
You can say that again.
INSIDE THE CARRIAGE
Copernicus, startled, looks up to see Viv across from him.
COPERNICUS
Can I help you with something?
VIV
I’m going with you.
Copernicus opens the door.
COPERNICUS
I beg to differ.
Viv holds up a copy of his book.

VIV
Your sun-centered model doesn't
explain the lack of visible parallax
from distant stars.
COPERNICUS
This is the part where you get out of
the carriage.
Viv gets desperate.
VIV
I can help you. I’ve been studying
astronomy my whole life. I’ve read
all the works of Zacuto, Peuerbach,
Comtino --
COPERNICUS
-- I hate to break it to you but
reading that garbage actually made
you dumber.
VIV
Then why don't you teach me. It’s a
week’s travel to Rome. In that time,
we could --
COPERNICUS
-- You’re not changing my mind. This
trip is too --
9.
VIV
-- People are by nature changeable.
Hence it is necessary to remind them
when they no longer submit, they can
be forced to submit.
COPERNICUS
That was Machiavelli. I thought you
couldn’t read Italian.
VIV
I never said that.
COPERNICUS
Clever girl. You allowed me to
underestimate you. Congratulations.
You just impressed the smartest
person on the planet.
Viv Smiles.
But it's not enough.
Viv frowns.
Now get out, or it's off to the
convent for you and your siblings.
She lowers her head in defeat and exits the carriage.

OUTSIDE: The Chauffeur snaps the reigns. The carriage departs as
Viv watches.
She looks down at the book thinking about what could have been.
EXT. STREETS OF ROME - DAY

The carriage crosses a bridge over the Tiber River. It stops in
front of a upscale boarding house.
Copernicus gets out and soaks in the splendid metropolis: Marble

fountains, street artists, fancy prostitutes and more.
VIV (O.S.)
What took you so long?
Copernicus turns around and is stunned to see Viv, standing there

with a stack of papers.
COPERNICUS
How the --
VIV
-- Getting to Rome's not that hard.
All the roads lead here.
10.
COPERNICUS
Why the --
VIV
-- I figured out your stellar
parallax problem.
COPERNICUS
It was never a problem. The stars
are--
VIV
-- Shut up, Copernicus. This is
happening.
Viv approaches him with the stack of paper. Copernicus is shocked

but also kind of impressed with her fortitude.
VIV (CONT’D)
I said I figured out your stellar
parallax problem, and if you got a
problem with it, I suggest you take
it up with the cosmos.
She gives Copernicus the papers which he begrudgingly accepts.
COPERNICUS
Like I said you're a clever girl, but
do you know how stupid traveling by
yourself is? It's a miracle you
weren't robbed or --
-- A greasy STREET THUG runs past, snatching a necklace from Viv's

neck. She clutches her chest in shock.
VIV
My mother gave me that necklace.
Copernicus sprints after the Street Thug.

Street Thug runs as he knocks over old-ladies and little kids. He
looks over his shoulder. Copernicus is catching up.
He knocks down a FISHMONGER cart, spilling raw seafood all over

the street.
Copernicus slips on a SQUID and lands on his ass.
He gets up. His expression says that this Thug is going to pay.
He grabs a TRIDENT from the Neptune-looking-Fishmonger. Hurls it.
It flies down the street.
The Street Thug, as if being controlled by a sixth sense, flings

around and snatches the trident out of midair. This is no ordinary
street thug.
11.
Copernicus charges towards him. Street Thug readies the trident.

Swings it like a baseball bat.
Copernicus takes the trident handle right in the face. Falls to
the ground dropping all of Viv's research papers.
Street Thug tosses the trident down and takes off.
Copernicus gets up, sore and embarrassed.
Viv rushes over. Helps Copernicus up and collects her papers.
VIV (CONT’D)
Sorry about that.
COPERNICUS
I blame Rome.
Copernicus snatches the papers from her hand and quickly scans
over them.
This doesn't look half bad.
Flips through some more of the pages.
Holy shit. This is actually
brilliant.
This makes Viv happy.
VIV
Really?
COPERNICUS
How do you know so much about my
heliocentric model?
VIV
Mom told me about it. Ever since I
was a kid, your theories just kind of
always made sense to me. I don't know
why.
This makes Copernicus happy.
COPERNICUS
It's simple. The old Earth centered
model is messy. Like a poorly written
fairy tale.
Copernicus points at a picture of the model on one of the sheets

of paper.
But my model is like a beautifully
arranged symphony.
(MORE)
12.
Six sister planets perfectly circling
the warmth of their mother star for
all eternity. Like clockwork. Never
speeding up or slowing down. It's the
harmony of the cosmos, and once you
realize it, you realize how perfect
the universe actually is.
Viv smiles but then gets really nervous. Breaks eye contact.
VIV
Yeah, there's actually another reason
I'm here. Something my mom told me...
Right before she died. Something I
really think you --
-- Viv looks back up and is shocked to notice that Copernicus

isn't paying attention. Instead, he's looking across the street
and grinning like an idiot.
COPERNICUS
Well, I'll be damned.
Copernicus jogs across the street while Viv sighs about having to
keep her secret for a little longer.
Viv jogs over to see why he's so excited. It's a poster for a
play: The Mandrake by Niccolo Machiavelli.
Hell yeah! Big Mac's in town.
VIV
So?
COPERNICUS
He's a master manipulator. If we're
going to convince the Pope that my
theory is correct, we're going to
need all the help we can get.
VIV
If you say so.
Viv is about to enter the theater when Copernicus grabs her and
turns her back around.
COPERNICUS
Wait a sec.
Copernicus looks her up and down, sizing her up.

13.
Yup, blonde hair, symmetrical
features, high cheekbones, clear
skin, narrow waist. Just as I feared.
VIV
What?
COPERNICUS
You’re objectively attractive. What
horn-dogs like Machiavelli would call
a hottie.
VIV
Ew, cringe.
COPERNICUS
I don't want Mac putting the moves on
you. Go see the Mona Lisa before they
ship it off to France.
He indicates the Academy of St. Luke, on the other side of the

piazza, which displays a BANNER reading: “Mona Lisa's Last Day in
Italy”.
Viv sighs and rolls her eyes.

VIV
I hear it's overrated.
INT. THEATER - DAY
Copernicus walks down the aisle towards the stage.
MACHIAVELLI (50) a greasy, macho slime-ball, even by Italian

standards, sits alone in the front row.
Three players are on the stage: DRUNK IDIOT (30), FAIR MAIDEN (20)
and DASHING HERO (25).
MACHIAVELLI
(to Drunk Idiot)
Stop. I don’t think you’re getting
just how stupid your character is
supposed to be.
DRUNK IDIOT
But if I play him any stupider, I’m
going to look --
COPERNICUS
-- Like your director.
Machiavelli turns around and explodes out of his seat.

14.
MACHIAVELLI
No fucking way! Big Dick Nick!
COPERNICUS
Big Mac Attack!
The two embrace in a very manly bro-hug.
So, show business now - Cool.
(to Drunk Idiot)
Hey, I used to have that same shirt
back in college.
Drunk Idiot dramatically reads from the script.
DRUNK IDIOT
Tis I, the magnificently retarded
Crap--
-- Machiavelli, losing his shit, furiously gestures for them to

cut the scene and exit the stage.
He desperately turns Copernicus around, leads him away from the
stage and back towards the door.
COPERNICUS
So what’s your play about? I’d love
to see --
-- Machiavelli belts out a very nervous fake laugh.
MACHIAVELLI
This play? Forget it. I'm just doing
it for the money.
COPERNICUS
Really.
MACHIAVELLI
Yeah, buddy. This thing sucks worse
than that whole heliocentric thing
that you used to never shut up about.
Remember back in college --
-- Off of Copernicus's offended expression, Machiavelli feigns

surprise.
MACHIAVELLI (CONT’D)
Oh no. You're not still hung up on
that thing are --
COPERNICUS
-- It's scientific fact. It's my
legacy. It’s --
15.
MACHIAVELLI
-- It's kind of a tough sell. I mean
the bible says the Earth doesn’t
move, soooo...
COPERNICUS
But the Pope can change all that.
It's why I need your help. Nobody has
the inside dirt like --
MACHIAVELLI
-- Buddy, here’s all you need to know
about the Vatican. There’s this new
Commander of the Swiss Guard, a real
fucking prick.
COPERNICUS
Okay.
MACHIAVELLI
But he’s got this wife, and she is
smokin’. I’m talking a perfect-
fucking-ten. And she’s totally horny
for... Get this... Crypts.
COPERNICUS
Crypts?
MACHIAVELLI
Just the mention of the word gets her
all hot and --
COPERNICUS
-- Mac, you know I’m always down to
pound, but I was really hoping for
something a little more --
MACHIAVELLI
-- I'm telling you it's a waste of
time.
COPERNICUS
Come on, Mac. I need this. All my
life the scientific community has
dismissed me as just another stupid
Polack with crazy ideas. I spent the
last thirty years in pursuit of the
truth, but if I can't sway the Pope,
then it all would have been for
nothing.
Machiavelli sympathizes.
16.
MACHIAVELLI
Okay. The Pope might not give holy-
roman-fuck-all about orbital
geometry, but there is one thing he
cares about more than anything else.
COPERNICUS
What's that?
MACHIAVELLI
Money! And since the start of the
Reformation, the church has been
hemorrhaging it.
Copernicus has a revelation.
COPERNICUS
That's perfect, the Pope knows I've
been single-handedly keeping the
Protestant infestation out of Poland,
so --
MACHIAVELLI
-- So he approves your model or
kisses all that sweet, sweet Polish
tax revenue arrivederci. Boom! That's
your play.
Copernicus grins from ear to ear.

COPERNICUS
Machiavelli, you diabolical genius.
Harmony to the cosmos here I come.
Machiavelli opens the door and leads Copernicus outside.
MACHIAVELLI
See you had the answer all along. Now
I'd love to catch up, but we're
premiering tonight so...
Machiavelli tries to shut the door. Copernicus holds it open.
COPERNICUS
Are there any tickets left? I'd love
to see it.
Machiavelli fake laughs again.
MACHIAVELLI
No! Trust me, you'd hate it. Just
remember, buddy... crypts.
He closes the door on Copernicus’s confused face.

17.
EXT. VATICAN GATE - DAY
Copernicus and Viv impatiently wait in line. Viv, irritated,

scratches the bottom of her foot.
COPERNICUS
Don't scratch. It's probably a
fungus. You'll spread it everywhere.
VIV
It itches. What am I supposed to --
COPERNICUS
-- Pee on it.
VIV
Gross.
COPERNICUS
Trust me. I'm a doctor. There are no
women's toilets in the Vatican so you
should go in those bushes before --
Viv gets really anxious.
VIV
-- No! I'm not peeing on anything.
Especially with all these people
around.
Copernicus nods his head, seeing what's going on.
COPERNICUS
Paruresis, or fear of public
urination, is a common phobia.
Especially with women. Usually
stemming from --
VIV
-- Can we please change the subject?
Maybe talk about what we say to the
Pope? Because I think this whole
Machiavellian extortion thing --
COPERNICUS
-- It's better to be feared than
loved, if one cannot be both.
VIV
Have you ever even tried?
COPERNICUS
What?
18.
VIV
Being loved.
They get to the front of the line.
A COCKY SWISS GUARD stands with a HALBERD, a spear like weapon

with an axe blade, and a clipboard.
COCKY SWISS GUARD

Name?
COPERNICUS
Doctor Nicolaus Copernicus MD, PhD,
Esquire, Emeritus.
The Swiss Guard examines the clipboard.
COCKY SWISS GUARD

You’re on the list, but I’m afraid
your concubine will have to wait
outside.
COPERNICUS
How dare you. This is my apprentice.
Where’s your supervisor?
COCKY SWISS GUARD

Commander!
CASPAR RÖIST (35), Commander of the Swiss Guard and the hyper-
masculine equivalent of Smithers from The Simpsons, stomps to the
entrance.
COCKY SWISS GUARD (CONT’D)

This man demands his apprentice be
allowed entry.
RÖIST
This girl. Preposterous. This is the
Lateran Council not a frilly lace
convention.
COPERNICUS
Oh yeah, what about that delicious
specimen?
Copernicus indicates GRETA RÖIST (30), smokin’ hot, a perfect-

fucking-ten. The only woman inside.
Röist couldn't look more offended.
Why does she --
19.
RÖIST
-- That’s my wife! She’s in charge of
etiquette and decorum. Both of which
you are severely lacking.
COPERNICUS
Etiquette and decorum. Wow, that’s
both superfluous and redundant.
Röist’s face turns red as Copernicus pulls Viv aside.
Look, these Swiss turds aren’t going
to budge.
VIV
A frilly lace convention does sound
fun though.
COPERNICUS
I want you to go check out
Machiavelli’s play. Come back in a
few hours. I’ll have this all taken
care of.
He presents her a silver Ducat.
VIV
You’re giving up?
COPERNICUS
(eyeballing Greta)
I’m not giving up. I’m getting even.
(back to Viv)
And I want a full report on that
play.
Viv rolls her eyes and grabs the Ducat.
INT. VATICAN - HALL OF CONSTANTINE - DAY
Copernicus wanders through this Comic Con for Bible dorks,

complete with Cosplay and promotional booths.
He spots Greta. Bites down on his lower lip, thinking about all
the nasty things he’s about to do to that pristine booty.
An ASTRONOMER passes carrying a model of the solar system.
Copernicus slaps it out of his hand. It hits the ground. The

planets scatter across the hall.
COPERNICUS
Oopsie!
The Astronomer picks up his busted model.

20.
ASTRONOMER
Fuck you, Copernicus! You did that on
purpose!
Copernicus reaches down and picks up the sun.

COPERNICUS
Here let me help you fix that. The
sun goes right here.
He places it in the center of the solar system.
ASTRONOMER
The hell it does! Try reading your
bible for once, you prick.
The Astronomer scurries off to pick up his balls. Greta comes

over.
GRETA
What seems to be the trouble?
Copernicus turns on the charm.
COPERNICUS
No trouble, Madame. We were just
arguing about the most romantic place
in Rome. His answer was boring and
cliche, but I say there's nothing
more titillating than the Crypts
beneath St. Peter’s. I was just
heading there myself, if you care to
join me?
GRETA
Oh, my.
She looks him over. Bites her lower lip thinking about all the
nasty things he’s is about to do to her pristine booty.
INT. VATICAN - SISTINE CHAPEL - DAY
Standing before the altar in Papal House Dress is POPE CLEMENT VII
(45), a man who only lives for two things - crushing Protestants
and chewing bubble gum... And bubble gum hasn't been invented yet.
CARDINAL SCHÖNBERG (55), his obedient assistant, stands beside him

in a scarlet cassock.
Röist enters and approaches the Pope.
RÖIST
Most of the guests have arrived, your
Holiness. The council may commence at
your digression.
21.
Pope Clement, red with rage, turns to him, clenching several

pieces of paper in his fist.
POPE CLEMENT
Have you seen this Protestant
propaganda?
(reading from flyer)
Martin Luther destroys the Pope with
facts and logic!
He slams the flyer down on the altar, reads from another one.
POPE CLEMENT (CONT’D)
John Calvin obliterates Catholic
Pope-tards in Geneva!
He slams the stack of flyers down. Picks up a calendar.

Pope-tards! We’re getting creamed out
there and we are supposed to win them
back with a fucking calendar!
CARDINAL SCHÖNBERG
Your Holiness, we shouldn't stoop to
their level. If we play this new
calendar thing right and fudge some
of the numbers... Who knows? We could
end up with two Christmases.
RÖIST
Maybe if we put kittens on it. It’s
the only type of calendar my mother-
in-law buys.
The Pope ponders this for a moment.
POPE CLEMENT
(shouting across the room)
Michelangelo! Paint me some kittens.
Now!
MICHELANGELO (40) The chilliest dude on Earth, stops painting The

Last Judgment and turns towards the Pope.
MICHELANGELO
Man, do you even fresco? If I don’t
get this paint on before the plaster
dries --
RÖIST
-- You heard the Pope! Get your
fucking ass over here now and paint
some fucking kittens on this fucking
calendar!
Michelangelo shrugs his shoulders, strolls over to the Pope.

22.
He takes the calendar. Doodles on it.
MICHELANGELO
How big you want these kitties’
penises to be?
RÖIST
Kittens don’t have penises. All cats
are girls!
Michelangelo can't help but snicker.
MICHELANGELO
If you say so.
A NERVOUS MONK enters, looking like he just ran a marathon.
NERVOUS MONK
Your Holiness, Henry the eighth of
England has arrived with an urgent
message.
POPE CLEMENT
I already told that gluttonous fuck!
No more annulments! If he can’t put a
baby inside the wife he already has,
that’s not my fucking problem!
NERVOUS MONK
I know, your Holiness. Which is why
he’s starting his own church now.
The Pope looks like his head is about to explode. Everybody braces
for impact, except Michelangelo. He’s chill AF.
POPE CLEMENT
Out! All of you! Cancel the council!
What is this, infuriate the Pope
day?!
He rips the calendar from Michelangelo’s hands and checks it.
Nope. It’s just Pentecost. Whatever
the fuck that is.
He tosses the calendar to the ground as everybody else scurries

out of the chapel.
The Pope grabs a bottle of communion wine from the tabernacle,

rips the cork out with his teeth, spits it out and chugs as he
makes his way to the center of the chapel.
He looks up at the ceiling towards the painting of God from

Michelangelo’s The Creation of Adam.
23.
Oh Holy Father, our flock hath lost
its way. Wickedness hast consumed thy
kingdom.
The Pope takes a big swig from the wine bottle.
I assureth thee, tis not mine own
fault. As thy chosen ruler, I begeth
thee - Nay! Commandth thee! Smite our
enemies. Smite them now.
(shouting)
Smite all those mutherfuckers to the
fiery depths of Satan's crotch!
A MYSTERIOUS PRIEST enters. A cloth covers his mouth and nose.

He’s dangling a THURIBLE (metal ball used for burning incense)
from a chain.
The Pope, infuriated, turns to him.
Fuck off!
The Mysterious Priest ignores the Pope and keeps making his way
towards him.
Thick SMOKE exits the vents of the thurible.
He gets close enough for the Pope to inhale the smoke.
Did you not hear me? Check thyself,
boy! Lest ye wrecketh thyself --
-- The Pope’s eyes roll to the back of his head. He CRASHES to the
floor. The bottle of wine SHATTERS.
The Mysterious Priest tosses the thurible in a nearby holy water

font. Removes the cloth covering his face.
It’s Valentinus.
He goes to the altar. Pushes it aside to reveal a SECRET PASSAGE

beneath it. Two BURLY GOONS dressed as monks emerge carrying rope
and a large sack.
VALENTINUS
Copernicus has taken the bait. We
need to move fast.
INT. VATICAN - CRYPT - DAY
Tombs and skeletons are everywhere.

24.
Copernicus with his pants around his ankles has Greta, in the
throes of passion, grinding on top of him.
GRETA
Feed me that kielbasa, baby! Give me
all that hot Polack sausage!
Copernicus's eyes awkwardly flicker between Greta and a skeleton.

He's totally weirded out but fucking like a champ.
COPERNICUS
You like that kielbasa, baby. Cool.
GRETA
(climaxing)
Oh just shut up and fuck me... you...
dumb... fucking... Polack!
INT. THEATER - DAY

Viv takes her seat in the packed bleachers as Machiavelli takes
the stage.
MACHIAVELLI
Hello and welcome, playgoers.
Turbulent times we are living in.
Threats in every direction, but the
biggest of them all. Right under our
nose. Behind the door on my right
lives a renowned scholar. At least
that’s what he fancies himself. He is
after all... a Polack.
The crowd HISSES. Viv takes offense.
Drunk Idiot bursts out of the aforementioned door.
DRUNK IDIOT
Tis I, the magnificently retarded
Crap-pernicus, and I’m gonna bring
Drunk Idiot’s pants fall down and then... FART NOISES.
The audience explodes with LAUGHTER as Viv’s eyes go wide with

shock.
VIV
Oh dear God.
INT. VATICAN - SISTINE CHAPEL - DAY

Röist enters, surprised to find it empty. He notices the broken
glass of wine on the floor.
25.
He cautiously approaches. Notices a sheet of paper with a sun-

centered solar system drawn on it.
He picks it up. Turns it over. There’s writing on the back.
RÖIST
Oh dear God.
INT. VATICAN - TUNNEL PASSAGEWAY - DAY
Michelangelo sits down to enjoy a comically large plate of

spaghetti. He grins in anticipation of that first bite.
A loud CRASH forces him to stop. He looks around.
VALENTINUS (O.S.)
Big Dick Nick, we have the Pope.
Michelangelo puts down his spaghetti to investigate.
Behind him, a door CRASHES open. Greta runs out and turns the
corner.
Michelangelo turns around.
MICHELANGELO’S POV: Copernicus comes out of the door, looking very

sneaky, before running around the corner.
END POV.
MICHELANGELO
Da fuck?
INT. VATICAN - HALL OF CONSTANTINE - DAY
The COUNCIL GOERS get suspicious when they see a dozen SWISS
GUARDS cover all the exits.
Röist mounts a platform to address the council.
RÖIST
The Pope has been abducted.
The Council Goers collectively gasp.
RÖIST (CONT’D)
We seek whichever one of you is
foolish enough to think the sun is
the center of the universe.
The back door BANGS open. Copernicus enters with an overly cocky
strut.
The Council Goers look at him as their jaws drop.

26.
COPERNICUS
That’s right, dorks. This is what a
person who just got laid looks like.
Soak it in.
Greta enters with messy hair, smeared lipstick, and she's stuffing
the rest of her disheveled titties into her dress.
She looks up. Notices her husband. Makes an “Oh shit” face.
Röist is about to blow all of his gaskets.
RÖIST
Seize that man!
All the Swiss Guards surround Copernicus, pointing their halberds

at him.
Copernicus throws his hands up and nervously smiles.
INT. DUNGEON - DAY
Copernicus, now dressed in a sack-cloth shirt and short pants,

sits in a torch lit cell with his hands shackled.
Röist and Cardinal Schönberg stand before him.
RÖIST
As a lawyer, I’m sure you are aware
that we have enough evidence to hang
you on the spot. As a physician, I’m
sure you are aware that said hanging
will result in your immediate death.
As a prefect of the church, you must
surely know that your death will
result in eternal damnation. That is
unless you confess your sins before
God. Now I will ask one last time -
The location of the Pope and the
names of your conspirators!
COPERNICUS
Despite what it says in your ransom
note, and despite the testimony of
that no-talent-suck-ass --
CARDINAL SCHÖNBERG
-- Michelangelo! A no-talent-suck-
ass! Is that what you’re going with?
COPERNICUS
You want to know who kidnapped the
Pope so goddamn much, just pay the
ransom. It’s only four-hundred-
thousand Ducats. Shit!
(MORE)
27.
That's less than what the Mona Lisa
just sold for.
RÖIST
No such ransom will be paid. Even if
your conspirators hold true to their
word and kill him at midnight, the
Pope does not fear death. He’s
assured automatic entry into the
Kingdom of Heaven. More than I can
say for you.
COPERNICUS
That’s what you think.
Copernicus smirks. Röist smirks back.
RÖIST
Oh, you must be referring to this.
He pulls out a sheet of paper stamped with a papal seal.
Copernicus is terrified.
COPERNICUS
My indulgence!
RÖIST
Yes! Your get out of hell free card,
signed by Pope Leo himself. It would
be a shame if something happened to
it. Especially since the new Pope has
stopped selling indulgences all
together.
CARDINAL SCHÖNBERG
You can thank Martin Luther and those
damn Protestants for that.
RÖIST
With this gone, every single one of
your sins will be back on record.
Every act of blasphemy, envy,
adultery, fornication --
-- Copernicus chuckles.
COPERNICUS
Fornication? You mean like the kind I
just did with your wife?
Röist slams Copernicus’s head down on the table. Rushes to one of

the torches and holds the indulgence up to the flame.
RÖIST
Fuck you, Copernicus! Your days of
doing whatever and whomever you fancy
are over!
28.
COPERNICUS
You can’t burn that. It’s signed by
the Pope. It’s infallible.
RÖIST
Infallible but not inflammable.
He sadistically grins as he sets the indulgence on fire. As he

watches it turn to ash, Copernicus laughs.
COPERNICUS
You dumb, dumb idiot. Inflammable
means flammable.
RÖIST
No it doesn’t. It's the opposite of
flammable.
COPERNICUS
That’s non-flammable.
CARDINAL SCHÖNBERG
I think the Polack is right.
Inflammable and flammable mean the
same thing. It’s like regardless and
irregardless.
COPERNICUS
Irregardless - not actually a word.
Röist’s patience has reached critical mass.
RÖIST
Irregardless of definitions, your
indulgence is no more! You want God
to have mercy on your soul? Confess
your sins!
COPERNICUS
Stop jerking me around. You've
already decided I'm guilty. Just hang
me and get it --
RÖIST
-- Confess!
COPERNICUS
Alright. Forgive me father, for I
have sinned. I took this man’s wife
down to the crypts and fucked her
silly, right on top of Saint Peter’s
--
Röist punches Copernicus in the face.
He stomps out of the room as Copernicus laughs.

29.
RÖIST
Take him to the rack! If that doesn’t
make him talk, I’ll kill him myself!
INT. THEATER - DAY
The audience is on the edge of their seats. All except Viv who is
dumbfounded.
ON THE STAGE: Dashing Hero is embracing Fair Maiden. They're both

really hamming it up.
FAIR MAIDEN
Oh my brave Nicola, why did I ever
choose that foolish Polack over you?
DASHING HERO
Oh my fair Lisa, you never have to
worry about him again. He can’t hurt
you anymore.
FAIR MAIDEN
Oh, my shame. To think his disgusting
hands were all over me. I will never
feel sexy again knowing he’s out
there.
A man dressed as THE POPE takes the stage.
THE POPE
I am the Pope, and I declare Nicola
Macchiatti the new king, and I
declare that the sun rotates around
the Earth, and I declare that this
Polack will burn for all eternity...
A curtain drops to reveal Drunk Idiot standing at the gallows with

a noose around his neck.
THE POPE (CONT’D)
... In hell.
The Pope pulls a lever, and Drunk Idiot hangs. His pants fall
around his ankles and then... FART NOISES
The crowd goes nuts.

BACK STAGE: Machiavelli watches, lip-syncing with the actors.
FAIR MAIDEN (O.S.)

Now we can be together forever.
30.
DASHING HERO (O.S.)

And rule the world as king and queen.
IN THE AUDIENCE: A standing ovation, but Viv sits in shock.
VIV
What the hell did I just watch?
The ovation is cut short by the entrance of five SWISS GUARDSMEN.
GUARDSMAN
Attention all!
The crowd goes silent. All eyes are on the speaking Guard.
GUARDSMAN (CONT’D)
The Pope has been abducted for
ransom.
The air is sucked out of the room.
GUARDSMAN (CONT’D)
We are searching for a girl seen
collaborating with the abductor. A
Polack girl, blonde hair, symmetrical
features, high cheekbones, clear skin
and narrow waist.
BACKSTAGE
MACHIAVELLI
(sotto to himself)
Sounds like a hottie.
IN THE AUDIENCE: Viv, freaking out, inconspicuously slides out of

her chair, onto the floor and crawls towards the stage.
The Guards roam the isles looking for their suspect.
She crawls under the stage. Machiavelli sees her and gets a
suspicious look as he rushes off.
UNDER THE STAGE
Viv notices a tunnel. She rushes in.
INT. THEATER - BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS
Wardrobe hangers with costumes are everywhere. There are several

doors with various posters and signs on them.
One of the doors open. Viv rushes out.

31.
She looks for a way to escape. Hears FOOTSTEPS. She panics. Rushes
over to one of the doors and opens it.
She GASPS when she sees what’s in the room:
Demonic idols, pentagrams, strange potions, pictures of Copernicus

with his face scratched up, schematics of Rome, "Fuck You,
Copernicus” written in blood.
A BLACK CAT jumps at her feet and HISSES.
She jumps back, scared shitless. Turns around to find --
-- Machiavelli towering above her.
She backs into the room as Machiavelli creeps towards her.
MACHIAVELLI
Ciao bellissima.
Viv is terrified as Machiavelli closes the door behind him.
INT. TORTURE CHAMBER - NIGHT
Copernicus, now shirtless, is strapped to THE RACK (an eight foot

wooden frame with rollers at both ends to literally pull it’s
victims apart).
His wrists are tied to one of the rollers with his ankles fastened
to the other.
His face is drenched with sweat and misery as Röist stands before
him.
RÖIST
One quarter turn.
The TORTURER turns the handle of the ratcheting mechanism.

Copernicus screams in anguish.
COPERNICUS
I didn’t kidnap the Pope!
RÖIST
One quarter turn.
The Torturer does it again.
Copernicus SCREAMS.
COPERNICUS
Fuck you! I was set up!
RÖIST
One half turn.
32.
TORTURER
He’s already past three and --
Röist gets aggravated.
RÖIST
-- One full turn!
The Torturer reluctantly complies.
Copernicus screams and screams. Röist grins and grins.
The screams get louder and then --
-- Stop.
Copernicus looks dizzy, like he's about to pass out.
COPERNICUS’S POV: The blurry image of Röist standing before him.

RÖIST (CONT’D)
Don't you die on me. Not till you
talk.
Eyes flicker then... BLACK
Eyes fluttering open - FLASHES of white light.
A blurry figure in the center of the room.
The figure comes into focus:
ANAHITA, a literal ANGEL, beautiful. Her wings stick out of a

white gown that does a poor job of hiding her killer figure. A low
neckline shows off her heavenly cleavage.
ANAHITA
Copernicus, tis I Anahita the angel
of fertility.
END POV.
Copernicus, in delirious bliss, awes at her beauty.
COPERNICUS
You’re gorgeous.
Anahita seductively struts towards him.
ANAHITA
I know. I'm the hottest of all the
angles. That's why God sent me.
COPERNICUS
Am I dead?
33.
ANAHITA
No, silly. You can’t die. Not yet.
You must use your God-given gifts to
escape. For only you are smart
enough, courageous enough and sexy
enough to rescue the Pope, and then
finally bring harmony to the cosmos.
COPERNICUS
Of course, my God-given gifts. But
which one? I have so many.
She gets right in front of Copernicus and places her index finger
on his lips.
ANAHITA
No more questions. Just a kiss... For
luck.
She leans in and passionately makes out with him.
INT. DUNGEON CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS
Röist and Cardinal Schönberg stand in front of the torture chamber

entrance.
CARDINAL SCHÖNBERG
The Queen of France will be here any
minute. She’s not going to be happy
when --
-- The Torturer rushes out of the chamber.
TORTURER
Commander! He’s coming to.
Röist and Cardinal Schönberg enter --
INT. TORTURE CHAMBER - CONTINUOUS
At first they are confused by Copernicus making out with the air.
But then, Röist gasps in terror. Cardinal Schönberg starts dry

heaving.
It’s revealed that Copernicus has THE WORLD’S MIGHTIEST BONER

trying to explode out of his sack cloth shorts.
CARDINAL SCHÖNBERG
That sick bastard! He’s actually
enjoying this!
RÖIST
Not on my watch! Cut him down!
34.
The Torturer cuts Copernicus’s hands and feet free. He plummets to

the ground face first.
The Torturer reaches down to help him up, but then --
-- PUNCH TO THE NUTS!
Torturer keels over in pain. Copernicus jumps to his feet.
Röist can’t believe what he sees and then --
-- KICK TO THE NUTS!

Röist, with crossed eyes and sore balls, buckles to his knees.
Cardinal Schönberg makes the sign of the cross as he backs away in

terror, knowing what’s coming next. It’s a KICK TO THE NUTS!
Copernicus rushes out of the chamber as the Cardinal weeps.
INT. DUNGEON CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS
Copernicus runs for his life.
In front of him a GUARD turns the corner. His eyes widen. He

prepares his halberd for attack but suddenly becomes confused by
Copernicus’s BONER, then --
-- A KICK IN THE NUTS.
Copernicus turns the corner. He’s pure unadulterated adrenaline at

this point, more animal than man.
A MONK is mopping the floor. Copernicus grabs his mop, breaks it

over his knee and throws it to the ground.
The Monk trembles in fear... Then he’s KICKED IN THE NUTS.
INT. VATICAN HALLWAY - NIGHT
Copernicus runs.
His boner is no more.
He looks back to see several SWISS GUARDS chasing him. Too many to
individually kick in the nuts.
He rushes over to a large set of wooden doors, opens them, storms

in and SLAMS them shut.
INT. VATICAN - SISTINE CHAPEL - CONTINUOUS
Copernicus grabs a processional cross and slides it through the

door handles, thus locking out his pursuers.
35.
The Guards on the other side push and BANG on the door.
MICHELANGELO (O.S.)
Copernicus.
He turns around and sees a lone Michelangelo standing in the

center of the dark room.
COPERNICUS
Michelangelo, you son of a bitch!
Who’s paying you to set me up?
The tension is thick. These two must have a history.
MICHELANGELO
So, I’m not just a no-talent-suck-
ass, but I’m also a liar?
COPERNICUS
Yeah, and I also called you a son of
a bitch?
MICHELANGELO
I don't want to have to beat your
ass, but if you leave me no choice...
COPERNICUS
Come on, Mikey. You're supposed to be
the cool one. You know... a party
dude.
MICHELANGELO
You wanna party, Copernicus.
Michelangelo reaches beneath his robe. Pulls out a pair of

NUNCHUCKS and casually twirls them.
MICHELANGELO (CONT’D)
Let’s party.
Copernicus, with a surge of adrenaline, grabs two gold CRUCIFIXES

off the Credence Table.
He tosses them like ninja stars at Michelangelo who expertly

flings the nunchucks around, blocking both of them.
Copernicus charges towards him. Michelangelo gets into a defensive

stance.
Copernicus tries to kick him in the nuts, but Michelangelo blocks

it. He counters with a punch to Copernicus’s chest.
Copernicus stumbles backwards hitting the wall.
He sees the THURIBLE in the holy water font. He grabs it and

swings it around like a morning star.
36.
Copernicus and Michelangelo take turns attacking and defending

with their respective weapons.
The thurible gets entangled with the nunchucks. Michelangelo is
able to fling Copernicus’s weapon away.
Copernicus takes a couple of steps back and attempts a flying jump

kick.
Michelangelo dodges it, and Copernicus ends up kicking the ALTAR

instead.
The altar slides across the room revealing the HIDDEN PASSAGE.
Michelangelo does a rotating flip, and now he’s behind his foe.
He whips the nunchucks over Copernicus’s head and uses them to

choke him.
Copernicus tries to break free, but can’t.
Copernicus notices a bucket of paint at his feet. He kicks it

against the wall.
The bucket shatters. Paint is splattered ALL OVER Michelangelo’s

freshly painted fresco.
Fuck you, Copernicus! That's some of
my best work.
COPERNICUS
I just did the world a favor, you no-
talent-suck-ass.
He elbows Michelangelo in the gut, breaks free then roundhouse
kicks him in the face.
Michelangelo falls backwards and down into the secret passage,

landing with a mighty THUD.
INT. SECRET PASSAGE - CONTINUOUS
Copernicus climbs down the ladder and steps over Michelangelo who
is on the verge of passing out.
COPERNICUS
Once again, you’ve been a worthy
adversary, but here's where I bid you
arrivederci.
Copernicus runs off down the passageway as a A blurry figure

appears before Michelangelo.
The figure comes into focus. It’s Anahita.

37.
ANAHITA
Michelangelo, tis I Anahita the angel
of fertility.
Michelangelo stands up. Smiles at her.
MICHELANGELO
Damn girl. You're foxy as hell.
Michelangelo is at your service.
Anahita bashfully smiles.
INT. VATICAN - HALL OF CONSTANTINE - NIGHT

The council hall has been transformed to what now resembles a
battlefield triage center.
NUNS attend to dozens of Swiss Guards and CLERGYMEN who lay on

cots. All of whom are suffering from agonizing ball pain.
Some of them clutch their balls as they weep. Some clutch their
balls while they puke in nearby buckets.
Röist leans against a wall holding a damp rag over his crotch.
A TIMID NUN approaches with a tray of tea.
TIMID NUN
Drink this commander. It will
decrease the testicular swelling.
Röist angrily SWATS the tray to the floor, scaring her off.
A large set of double doors BANG open. Two ROYAL TRUMPETERS and a
HERALD OF ARMS enter.
HERALD OF ARMS
Presenting Her Majesty, the Queen of
France, Catherine de’ Medici!
The Trumpeters on either side of the door play a royal FANFARE as

CATHERINE DE’ MEDICI (40) enters as gracefully as anyone with a
perpetual stick up their ass can.
RÖIST
Shit!
Röist throws on a fake smile and rushes to greet the queen.
CATHERINE DE’ MEDICI

Where is my Uncle, and more
importantly, where is my painting?
RÖIST
Your Highness, we know who the
abductors are and we --
38.

-- I said the painting is more
important!
RÖIST
Leonardo’s masterpiece will be
delivered this evening as scheduled.

(re: the triage)
What happened here? I thought you had
the abductor in custody.
RÖIST
I am ashamed to report that he has
escaped, but I --

-- This is absolutely unacceptable. I
am placing my own investor in charge
of retrieving my uncle.
RÖIST
Your majesty, I can assure you the
Pope’s safety --

-- Is no longer your concern.
Nostradamus will be handling things
from here on out.
RÖIST
Nostradamus? The psychic? Your
majesty, all these soothsayers are
nothing more than --
NOSTRADAMUS (O.S.)
-- two bit charlatans.
Nostradamus's voice ECHOES throughout the hall giving Röist

chills.
There is a small EXPLOSION OF SMOKE in the center of the room. The

smoke clears to reveal --
-- NOSTRADAMUS (25) psychic and loving it. A mystery wrapped in an

enigma wrapped in a shiny red wizard’s robe.
Röist gets into an attack stance. Catherine claps in glee.

Oh Nostradamus you sure do know how
to make --
NOSTRADAMUS
-- An entrance.
39.
RÖIST
Come on. Anybody could have guessed
she'd --
NOSTRADAMUS
-- Say that.
RÖIST
Oh for fuck's --
NOSTRADAMUS
-- sake.
Röist, giving up, shakes his head.
NOSTRADAMUS (CONT’D)
Knowledge of the future is a
dangerous proposition, commander.
He waves his hands and two envelopes magically appear in them.

Catherine, unable to get enough, claps again.
In my left hand, I hold the
information you seek on finding the
Pope and recapturing Copernicus. In
my right hand, the exact day, time
and location of your death.
(dramatic pause)
You may open only one.
Röist is not amused as he walks towards Nostradamus.
RÖIST
We haven’t time for --
NOSTRADAMUS
-- Parlor tricks. As the world’s
foremost authority on time, I can
assure you we have.
Röist snatches the envelope from the left hand.
RÖIST
I chose the --
NOSTRADAMUS
-- Pope, naturally.
The envelope in the right hand catches fire and vanishes, causing
Catherine to lose her shit again. Nostradamus, relishes in the
prestige.
Röist reads from the paper.

40.
RÖIST
The location you seek will be
revealed after the ambush by artists
near fire.
He furiously turns back to Nostradamus.
RÖIST (CONT’D)
Is this some kind of joke?
NOSTRADAMUS
Of course not, but tis a joke you
fancy, I took the liberty of putting
one on the back.
He turns the paper.
RÖIST
(reading from the paper)
How many Polacks does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
Nostradamus breaks out in hysterical laughter.
NOSTRADAMUS
I know you have no idea what a light
bulb is, but trust me, in a few
hundred years, that joke is going to
be hilarious.
Röist crumbles up the paper, tosses it down and storms off.
Nostradamus keeps laughing. Catherine laughs too, but she's not

sure why.
It’s three. The answer's three.
Polack jokes, they never get old.
INT. THEATER - MACHIAVELLI’S OFFICE - NIGHT
Viv is GAGGED and TIED to a chair. She struggles to break free and
tries to scream through her gag. It’s getting her nowhere.
Machiavelli stands at a table surveying what looks like a city

plan. There are red X’s marked on dozens of locations.
MACHIAVELLI
Oh, midnight cannot get here soon
enough.
A window CREAKS open.

41.
Machiavelli, startled, rolls up the plan. Looks over to see

Copernicus crawl through the window, still only wearing shorts.
Nick? Why aren't you in jail?
COPERNICUS
I had to escape. I didn't do it, but
I'm going to find the dipshits that
did. I just need to find my niece
first.
INT. THEATER - MACHIAVELLI’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Viv hears Copernicus and Machiavelli talking.
MACHIAVELLI (O.S.)
(from outside)
Your niece is safe. She sensed danger
and came to me for help.
Viv screams, but only faint murmurs penetrate the gag.
COPERNICUS (O.S.)
(from outside)
Clever girl. Where is she?
Viv shimmies the chair. Bumps into the table. Several beakers of
mysterious potions fall over and spill out.
A candle tips over, igniting the potions.
MACHIAVELLI (O.S.)
(from outside)
She’s on her way to Genoa.
Viv sees the flames and freaks out even more.
COPERNICUS
Genoa?
MACHIAVELLI
You should go too.
COPERNICUS
No! I have to save the Pope. I'm the
only one who can do it.
MACHIAVELLI
Nick buddy, forget the Pope.
COPERNICUS
No.
42.
MACHIAVELLI
I don't know who's behind this, but
he's obviously a diabolical genius.
COPERNICUS
Fuck that asshole.
MACHIAVELLI
You're in way over your head.
COPERNICUS
I could really use your help on this,
buddy. I think someone like you could
really get inside this guy's head.
MACHIAVELLI
Buddy, I am trying to help you.
You need to get the fuck out of
Europe.
COPERNICUS
Not an option.
MACHIAVELLI
Go to Genoa. There, you and your
niece can find passage to the
Americas.
COPERNICUS
What the fuck is an America?
MACHIAVELLI
It’s what their calling the New World
now.
COPERNICUS
That sounds stupid.
MACHIAVELLI
It’s just a marketing ploy. It’ll
never stick. But listen, I have
connections at a Spanish colony in
Florida. You’ll love it there.
Anything goes.
(cheeky)
And I mean anything.
The fire spreads to the wall, setting all the incriminating

evidence against Machiavelli ablaze. Viv panics for her life.
Copernicus emphatically shakes his head.

43.
COPERNICUS
No! I can’t move to a Spanish Orgy
Colony. I’m on a mission from God.
Anahita, the angel of fertility, told
me I had to do this.
Machiavelli couldn't look more confused.
MACHIAVELLI
Nick, buddy? You okay?
There is loud KNOCKING from downstairs.
Copernicus rushes to the window. Sees a NERDY SWISS GUARD out

front.
COPERNICUS
Shit! It’s the Papal fuzz.
MACHIAVELLI
I’ll get rid of them. Stay here.
Machiavelli exits in a hurry.
The fire is spreading. Viv coughs. Desperately looks around the

room. Notices the BLACK CAT sleeping a few feet away.
INT. THEATER - FRONT ENTRANCE - CONTINUOUS
Machiavelli opens the door. The Nerdy Guard is there.
MACHIAVELLI
Copernicus is here. He’s deranged.
You need backup.
Nerdy Guard signals to three tougher looking MACHO GUARDS.
Viv, right next to the cat, wobbles the chair back and forth.
The leg of the chair SMASHES down on the cat’s tail.
The cat wakes up. Losing its shit, it SHRIEKS like a Banshee.
It tries to escape, but with its tail caught under the chair all
it can do is SQUEAL and SHRIEK for dear life.
Copernicus searches the wardrobe racks for something to wear.

44.
He stops when he hears the cat’s agonizing SHRIEKS.
He creeps around the corner looking for the source of the sound.
He notices smoke coming from beneath the door. He springs to
action.
The door BURSTS open.
COPERNICUS
Viv!
He removes her gag. Frees the cat who runs away.
VIV
Machiavelli! He set you up!
Copernicus, in disbelief, unties her.
COPERNICUS
What? No. He's my oldest friend.
VIV
Machiavelli is nobody’s friend! He’s
a massive chode who hates your guts!
COPERNICUS
Viv, I think you're misunderstanding
the concept of a chode. In order for
one to be massive it would --
VIV
-- Are you shitting me right now?
He gets her untied.
VIV (CONT’D)
We have to get out of here.
Machiavelli is going to turn you in
and kill me!
Viv jumps up and runs out. Copernicus just stands there, stunned.
COPERNICUS
But why? He's my best bud.
Viv runs back into the room. SLAPS Copernicus in the face.
VIV
Get your shit together, Copernicus!
I’ve seen his entire plan. We have to
run now!
45.
Copernicus snaps out of his funk.
He runs out of the office, grabs an armful of COSTUMES from the

wardrobe rack.
COPERNICUS
Disguises. Let’s go!
They both hop out of the window.
The door flings open. Machiavelli dramatically enters.
MACHIAVELLI
Seize him!
Machiavelli becomes embarrassed when he discovers the room is

empty. The Nerdy Guard and Macho Guards Enter.
He was just here.
NERDY GUARD
Your theater is on fire.
MACHIAVELLI
Shit! Put it out!
Macho Guards run towards the room.
Machiavelli realizes the room is full of incriminating evidence.

No! You need to find Copernicus. He
must have gone out the window.
Valentinus nonchalantly enters.
VALENTINUS
Hey Nick, I’m here to kill the girl.
Machiavelli gives him the stink eye. Valentinus shits a brick when
he sees the guards.
NERDY GUARD
What did he say?
Machiavelli nervously chuckles.
MACHIAVELLI
Hey, stupid actor. Auditions are
tomorrow, and you need to deliver
your lines with more gusto.
(acting angry)
Hey Nick! I’m here to kill the girl!
(MORE)
46.
(done acting)
Like that.
He puts his arm around Valentinus and leads him away.
(to the Guards)
Come on let’s get out of here.
(whispering to Valentinus)
Copernicus and the girl escaped. We
need to move on to Plan-B.
EXT. BANKS OF THE TIBER RIVER - NIGHT
Copernicus is dressed as a NUN. Viv is wearing a PIRATE COSTUME

complete with eye patch. They walk along the river with their
heads down avoiding eye contact with passersby.
COPERNICUS
If Machiavelli is behind this, it
must be part of a power grab.
VIV
No! I'm telling you, this is all
about revenge.
COPERNICUS
Machiavelli's not motivated by
revenge. Only power.
VIV
You should have seen his play. He's
totally pissed that you slept with
his girlfriend.
COPERNICUS
I sleep with everybody's girlfriend.
VIV
Well congratulations. Now me, you and
the Pope are going to die.
COPERNICUS
Luckily, I care about at least one of
those people so I'm not going to let
that happen.
VIV
We need a plan.
COPERNICUS
Agreed. Despite what you saw in his
play, I can assure you that
Machiavelli just wants to get paid.
47.
VIV
I doubt it.
COPERNICUS
If we get the ransom money, we get
the Pope back.
VIV
The ransom money?
COPERNICUS
Plus, the Pope will be so grateful,
he approves my theories and boom.
Harmony to the cosmos, courtesy of
Doctor Nicolaus Copernicus.
VIV
Your theories? My God! Who gives a
shit --
COPERNICUS
-- Hey, you're talking about my
legacy --
VIV
-- We're both going to be executed if
we don't fix this.
COPERNICUS
I am going to fix it and bring
Viv stops and shakes her head.
VIV
My mother, She warned me about you.
COPERNICUS
Viv --
VIV
-- Told me not to look up to you.
That you only care about yourself,
but seriously --
COPERNICUS
-- Viv!
VIV
I can't believe you're actually
my --
-- Viv stops. Decides now is not the time to finish that sentence.
48.
COPERNICUS
Viv, try to cool your shit and
remember, the smartest person in the
world is currently working on saving
your life.
VIV
Why don't we just tell the
authorities that Machiavelli is
behind all of this?
COPERNICUS
They’ll never believe us.
VIV
Why?
COPERNICUS
Well, I kind of slept with the
commander's wife, taunted him about
it, and also kicked him pretty hard
in the nuts.
Viv shakes her head and throws her hands up.
VIV
Oh my god. You don't think the sun is
the center of the universe. You think
you are.
COPERNICUS
Viv, trust me. My plan will work.
VIV
No. We would need to come up with
four-hundred-thousand Ducats in two
hours. How?
Copernicus pulls down an advert for the Da Vinci exhibit from a

nearby tree. Turns to Viv with a big shit-eating grin.
COPERNICUS
We’re going to steal the Mona Lisa
and sell it to the Queen of France.
Viv is speechless until...
VIV
Oh my god. We're going to die.
EXT. ACADEMY OF ST. LUKE - NIGHT
The Banner reading: "Mona Lisa's Last Day in Italy" still hangs
over the entrance.
49.
Copernicus and Viv, still in their ridiculous costumes, peer

through the window of an office where a balding Middle-age
SECURITY GUARD is making a stew over the fireplace.
COPERNICUS
It looks like every guard in the city
is looking for us and the missing
Pope. So all we need to do is get
past this lard-ass and the Mona
Lisa's ours.
VIV
He's really not that fat. In fact,
I'd say he has roughly the same build
as you.
COPERNICUS
Viv, focus! Once he makes his rounds,
that's when we make our move.
VIV
This is bad. We should reconsider our
Spanish-Orgy-Colony option.
COPERNICUS
This is going to work. We just also
need to find a document called a
Translatio Dominii. It'll tell us the
time, place and cost of the
transaction. Without it, we're
screwed.
The Security Guard takes his stew off the fire and sets it down to
cool, before exiting through the door.
Copernicus and Viv look at each other and nod.
INT. ACADEMY OF ST. LUKE - GALLERY - NIGHT
The Security Guard unlocks the door. Opens it. Takes a look
around.
The MONA LISA is on the center of the back wall.
The Guard smiles at it then exits.
INT. ACADEMY OF ST. LUKE - OFFICE - NIGHT
Copernicus is eating the guards stew while Viv rummages through a

pile of loose papers.
She finds what she’s looking for. Presents it to Copernicus.
VIV
Is this it?
50.
COPERNICUS
Yes.
(notices something)
Shit! It hasn’t been signed. That’s
going to look suspicious.
VIV
So what do we do now?
FOOTSTEPS CREAK from outside.
Copernicus puts the stew down. Grabs a rope.
COPERNICUS
Get ready.
Viv gets next to the door, prepares a cloth to be used as a gag.
The door slowly CREAKS open. Security Guard enters.
Viv jumps on his back, puts the gag over his mouth.
Copernicus grabs him and wrestles him, kicking and SCREAMING, over
to a chair.
Viv gets the gag on, silencing him.

Copernicus tries to tie him to the chair.
The Guard reaches for a club sitting on his desk. Viv sees this
and gets to it first.
Good. Now knock him out.
Viv nervously taps him over the head with it.
You have to hit him harder.
Viv swings for the fences this time. With a mighty THUMP, blood
starts gushing from the top of his head.
The Guard, infuriated, struggles even more as Copernicus fights to

get the ropes tied.
Viv freaks out.
VIV
Oh God. So much blood. We need a
doctor.
COPERNICUS
I am a doctor. Put pressure on it.
She grabs a rag and is about to put it on the wound.

51.
No! That’s filthy. Sterilize it.
VIV
How?
COPERNICUS
Pee on it.
VIV
Ew. Gross.
COPERNICUS
The yellow bile in the urine will
kill off the black bile in his blood.
Trust me. I’m a doctor. You want him
to live don’t you?
Viv is having an ANXIETY ATTACK.
VIV
I can’t pee here. Not with people.
COPERNICUS
Then go into the hall.
Her anxiety gets worse.
VIV
No! I also can’t pee if people know
I’m peeing.
COPERNICUS
My God! How are we related?
Copernicus finishes securing him to the chair. Takes a look at the

wound.
The bleeding has mostly stopped.
It’ll be better if I just pee on it
directly.
The Guard's eyes widen in terror. He shakes his head as he tries

screaming through the gag.
Copernicus jumps up onto the table and lifts up the gown of his
nun’s habit as Viv looks away in horror.
He whips out his enormous schlong. The Guard’s face goes pale from
the sight of it, then... PASSES OUT.
Okay, we can relax. He’s out now.
He relieves himself on the guard’s unconscious head.

52.
INT. ACADEMY OF ST. LUKE - GALLERY - NIGHT
Copernicus unlocks the door. He and Viv enter.
VIV
(re: Mona Lisa)
There it is.
Copernicus’s face lights up.
COPERNICUS
Oh my God! Do you know who that is?
VIV
Who? The woman in the painting?
They approach it.

COPERNICUS
That’s Lisa “big tittie” Gherardini.
I totally had a fling with her back
in law school.
VIV
Wonderful.
Viv takes the painting from the wall.
COPERNICUS
We still hook up every time I’m in
Italy. We’re supposed to meet tonight
at Albergo San Paulo for a little
something I invented called a
Mongolian Chimney Sweep.
VIV
Cringe! Cringe! Cringe! And never
explain to me what that is.
MICHELANGELO (O.S.)
Copernicus.
Michelangelo stands at the doorway. He's hiding something behind

his back.
We gotta stop meeting like this.
COPERNICUS
Michelangelo, You sack of shit.
Viv is starstruck.
VIV
Thee Michelangelo?
53.
MICHELANGELO
In the flesh, little girl.
(to Copernicus)
So, what’s up? None of my paintings
good enough to steal?
COPERNICUS
Please. I’d take a bottle of
Leonardo’s farts over one of your
lame hack-jobs any day of the week.
MICHELANGELO
I can’t let you do this, man. The
angel of fertility told me if I
stopped you, I’ll go down as the
greatest artist who ever lived.
COPERNICUS
That two-timing skank! She told me if
I save the Pope, I’ll go down --
Viv is beyond baffled by this exchange.
VIV
-- Why would God let the Pope be
kidnapped, and then send the most
obscure angel ever just to help you
two chuckle-fucks advance your own
legacies?
Michelangelo pulls a crossbow from behind his back. Aims it at
them.
Viv tosses her hands up, dropping the painting.
MICHELANGELO
I have to do whatever it takes to
protect my legacy, baby girl. The new
Pope has me painting kitten calendars
now... It’ll ruin me.
Viv and Copernicus back away from the Mona Lisa as Michelangelo
advances towards it.
COPERNICUS
The Pope dies if you take that.
MICHELANGELO
God says it’s your job to save the
Pope. Not mine. The Translatio
Dominii too.
Copernicus pulls out the document. Tosses it to him.
COPERNICUS
Good luck forging the Duke of Milan’s
signature.
54.
MICHELANGELO
Please, I’m Michel-fucking-angelo. I
could forge the entire Duke of Milan.
Michelangelo picks up the painting, tucks it under his arm, moves

backwards, exits and closes the door.
Copernicus and Viv rush to the door. It’s locked.

VIV
So now what?
Copernicus moves Viv away from the door.
COPERNICUS
We still know where the sale is
taking place. After the transaction
we just jack the loot.
He walks to the center of the room and looks at the door like it
just stole his wallet.
VIV
What if he’s expecting that?
COPERNICUS
The only thing he should be
expecting... is pain.
Copernicus charges full speed for the door.
He CRASHES into it, but the door doesn’t budge.
He grabs his shoulder and slides to the floor in excruciating

pain.
VIV
So, the window then?
Copernicus tries to shake off his embarrassment.
COPERNICUS
Yeah, let’s go out the window.
INT. ACADEMY OF ST. LUKE - GALLERY - LATER
Machiavelli grinds his teeth in disgust as he stares at the blank

part of the wall where the Mona Lisa used to be.
Valentinus enters.
VALENTINUS
The guard says it was some guy
dressed as --
55.
MACHIAVELLI
-- I already know who it was. This is
the second time he's taken my beloved
Lisa from me.
VALENTINUS
What do we do now? The Queen is going
to spend all her money on the
painting. The whole reason we wanted
to steel it was --
MACHIAVELLI
-- We were stealing it because nobody
else deserves it!
Machiavelli's anger causes Valentinus to back off a bit.
VALENTINUS
Okay, so now?
MACHIAVELLI
So now, the painting, the money and
the Polack will all be in the same
place. This actually just got a whole
lot easier.
VALENTINUS
So plan-C.
Machiavelli devilishly smirks.
MACHIAVELLI
You're goddamn right, Plan-C.
EXT. FOREST ROAD - NIGHT
Michelangelo stands beside a horse drawn carriage. A Mona Lisa

sized wooden crate stands next to him.
GALLOPING HORSES ridden by KNIGHTS approach. They are followed by

a horse drawn carriage displaying the Royal French Banner. A team
of ARCHERS ride behind.
The caravan halts just in front of the parked carriage.
Catherine di’ Medici and her Herald exit the royal carriage.

Michelangelo, they have you working
as a delivery boy now?
MICHELANGELO
Just for you, girl. You’re getting
the V.I.P treatment tonight.
Michelangelo pulls the painting out of the crate. Presents it to

the Queen who is in awe.
56.

Magnificent. Worth every Ducat.
She nods. Two knights set down a CHEST. The Herald opens it to
reveal it's filled will GOLD COINS.
Michelangelo gives her a scroll and a quill.
MICHELANGELO
Let's make this official.
FROM A HILLTOP
Copernicus is wearing the Security Guard's uniform and Viv is back

in her dress.
They have a view of everything that's happening on the road.
VIV
Jesus. She brought an army.
COPERNICUS
Yeah, but it's just a French army. I
think we can take them.
VIV
Are you freaking shitting me right
now?
COPERNICUS
I don't joke around when it comes to
my legacy.
VIV
What is it with you guys and your
legacy?
COPERNICUS
It's what separates great men from
ordinary men.
VIV
Look! I'm not going to let you kill
yourself until I tell you something
first.
COPERNICUS
Fine. Tell me whatever you want. You
have thirty seconds.
Viv takes an anxious breath.
VIV
Right before my mom died she told me
something. Something about you that
you might find hard to --
57.
-- A FLASH of bright orange light as dozens of FLAMING ARROWS sore

over their heads.
An eerie PAGAN BATTLE HORN is sounded.
Copernicus looks down the other side of the hill and sees...
Fifteen BLACK HORSES with fifteen RIDERS in black cloaks and DEVIL
MASKS heading straight for them.
He pushes Viv out of the way, just as the Satanic Horde rides past
them.
ON THE ROAD
The FLAMING ARROWS hit the Royal carriage and some of the Knights.
The other Knights draw their swords. Michelangelo gets in front of

Catherine, shielding her from the attack.
The Archers draw their arrows and ready their bows.
The royal carriage BURSTS INTO FLAMES. The horses freak and run
off.
The Horde attacks. CHAOS EVERYWHERE. The Knights and Archers

attempt to fight them back.
An ARROW with a rope tied to it pierces the MONEY CHEST.
Another one, THE PAINTING CRATE.
Two Riders ride off, dragging the loot behind them.
FROM THE HILLTOP
Copernicus sees this. Runs down the hill, towards the action.
Viv, flustered, runs after him.
VIV
Nick! Don't!
ON THE ROAD
Catherine fears for her life as her Knights are being hacked down.
Nostradamus appears from the forest riding a WHITE STALLION.
NOSTRADAMUS
Fear not, my queen.
He extends his arm and helps her onto the stallion.

58.

Why didn't you warn me about this?
NOSTRADAMUS
I did.
They ride off into the forest.
Copernicus gets to the action. Throws a rock at a SATANIC RIDER.
The rock hits him in the head, knocking him off his horse.
Copernicus hops on the horse and goes after the loot.
All Viv can do is watch him go.
She sees the Satanic Rider get up and point his crossbow at her.
She closes her eye and clenches her jaw, expecting TO DIE.
WHOOSH and THUCK.
She opens her eyes and sees the Satanic Rider fall forward with a
crossbow bolt in his back. Michelangelo is behind him.
Michelangelo lowers his crossbow. Storms towards Viv. Grabs her.

Tosses her over his shoulder.
Viv kicks and screams. He carries her over to his carriage. Tosses
her into the back and latches the door shut.
MICHELANGELO
Stay put.
Michelangelo heads back towards the battle. Several FLAMING ARROWS

hit his carriage.
The horses freak out and take off, dragging the burning carriage
behind it.
Shit!
Michelangelo hops onto a stray horse and chases it as the flames

spread.
INSIDE THE CARRIAGE
It's filling up with SMOKE - quick.
The carriage is full of art supplies, unfinished paintings and

sculptures.
She grabs a waist-high MARBLE STATUE. Using it as a battering-ram,

she charges for the door.
59.
FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD
The door to the carriage BURSTS open, and Viv tosses the statue
out and JUMPS.
She hits the ground rolling.
Michelangelo, about to run her over with the horse, pulls back on
the reins.
The horse gets up on it's hind legs as it comes to a stop.
Viv, right beneath it, rolls to the side to prevent being

trampled.
She gets up.
VIV
Are you trying to kill me?
MICHELANGELO
No. I'm trying to save you.
VIV
Because I'm too stupid to jump out of
a burning carriage.
Michelangelo extends his arm to help Viv onto the back of the
horse.
MICHELANGELO
Come on.
EVEN FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD

Copernicus is in hot pursuit. The two Riders release their ropes.
The loot slides over to a parked CARRIAGE.
Valentinus and Machiavelli pick up the chest and crate, hop on the
carriage and they’re off.
Copernicus pursues. Valentinus sees this.
VALENTINUS
It’s Copernicus?
MACHIAVELLI
What a fucking asshole. Stall him. I
need to get everything prepared.
VALENTINUS
Plan-D?
Machiavelli devilishly grins.
MACHIAVELLI
Fucking-A, Plan D.
60.
Copernicus catches up. He’s riding alongside the carriage.
COPERNICUS
Fuck you, Machiavelli!
MACHIAVELLI
Fuck you, Copernicus.
Machiavelli literally kicks Valentinus out of the carriage and

onto Copernicus.
They both hit the ground and roll. The horse and the carriage
continue to speed down the road. Machiavelli is getting away.
Valentinus gets up and runs over to Copernicus, who's struggling

to get on his feet.
Valentinus kicks Copernicus in the face. Copernicus goes down.
Valentinus pulls a dagger from a belt sheath.
VALENTINUS
I've got more than a spoon this time,
asshole.
Copernicus springs to his feet and roundhouse kicks the dagger out
of his hand.
Valentinus counters by kicking Copernicus in the NUTS.
Copernicus doubles over. Valentinus grabs him by the hair, pulls

him upright and chops him in the throat.
Copernicus drops to the ground, gasping for air.
Machiavelli's got a proposition for
you. Meet him at the old gunpowder
magazine at Monti to negotiate the
Pope's release. You don't show, he
dies and the only thing your legacy
will consist of is Papalcide.
COPERNICUS
Papalcide's not a word. You mean
Episcopicide.
Valentinus kicks him in the gut.
VALENTINUS
Fuck you, Copernicus! You have thirty
minutes. Don't be late.
He turns and runs off into the forest.

61.
EXT. RUNDOWN NEIGHBORHOOD - NIGHT
Machiavelli parks the carriage in front of an old rundown building

that used to serve as a gunpowder magazine.
He gets off the carriage with the painting crate. He’s greeted by
two CLOCKED THUGS.
MACHIAVELLI
Get everything inside and get to the
docks.
He heads towards the gunpowder magazine with the crate.
INT. OLD GUNPOWDER MAGAZINE - BASEMENT - NIGHT
Pope Clement is tied to a chair in the center of the room.
Machiavelli nonchalantly enters with the Mona Lisa.
POPE CLEMENT
Unhand me, you blasphemous fiend.
MACHIAVELLI
In a minute.
Machiavelli carefully hangs the painting on the wall.

POPE CLEMENT
You’ll rot in hell, you dim-witted
glob of festering pigeon-shit!
MACHIAVELLI
If that’s what you truly desire.
He takes a few steps back, making sure the painting’s not crooked.
But I don’t think it is.
(turns to the Pope)
What was it you were begging God for?
To smite your enemies?
POPE CLEMENT
I don’t beg. I was commanding. God
has to listen to me. I’m the fucking
Pope!
Machiavelli rolls his eyes.
MACHIAVELLI
Well lucky for you, God was listening
and sent me.
The pope looks confused.

62.
Did you know your Cardinals and own
family refuse to pay your ransom?
He pulls out a stack of papers and shows them to the Pope.
And did you know that if I kill you
right now, the Holy Roman Emperor
will give me half a million? Henry
the Eighth - three-quarters of a
mill. Even The Kings of Spain and
Portugal are going halfsies on a cool
mill to watch you die.
POPE CLEMENT
You're full of shit.
MACHIAVELLI
Trust me. All those rich and powerful
assholes are sitting in the Vatican
right now. Just waiting for me to
kill you, so they can replace you
with somebody they can more easily
push around.
The Pope contemplates.
Machiavelli gets right into his anguished face.
Now are we going to let them get what
they want? Or are we going to Smite
all those mutherfuckers to the fiery
depths of Satan's crotch?
The Pope ponders this, then...
POPE CLEMENT
What is it you need from me?
Machiavelli delivers his trademarked smirk.
EXT. FOREST - NIGHT
Copernicus limps down the road. His lip is bloody and his clothes
torn.
He turns around when he hears a horse galloping towards him.
It's Viv and Michelangelo. The horse stops and they dismount.
COPERNICUS
Good. You're okay. What's he doing
here?
63.
MICHELANGELO
I'm not letting either of you out of
my sight till I get that painting
back.
VIV
Where are you going?
COPERNICUS
Machiavelli will release the Pope if
I give myself up.
Copernicus turns and keeps walking.
VIV
He'll kill you.
COPERNICUS
He can try.
VIV
Since when are you the sacrificial
type?
Copernicus stops and turns back towards Viv.
COPERNICUS
If Machiavelli frames me for the
Pope's murder, then we'll both hang.
And what happens to your brothers and
sister then? Shipped to an orphanage,
sold into servitude or --
VIV
-- This isn't about them. This is
about your legacy. As long as the
Pope is alive he can --
COPERNICUS
-- I wouldn't expect you to
understand.
VIV
Because I'm a girl?
COPERNICUS
Because you're a child. Christ! You
can't even take a piss without --
VIV
-- You just don't get it.
COPERNICUS
Get what?
64.
VIV
You can never bring harmony to the
cosmos. The cosmos is the way it is.
And being the first to prove it with
math, doesn't change a damn thing.
COPERNICUS
I don't care! My theories are right,
and the world needs to know it. I
don't have any children to advance my
legacy, so this is all I've got. I'm
nothing without it.
VIV
That's not true. You got me. I'm not
your niece.
Viv takes a deep breath. Tears up.
VIV (CONT’D)
I'm your daughter.
Copernicus is stunned.
COPERNICUS
What... How can that... You're
Katharina's --
VIV
-- My real mother's name was Donna
Francesca.
Copernicus thinks really hard.
COPERNICUS
Donna? From Verona?
VIV
She died giving birth. I was sent to
Poland to be with my father, but I
was delivered to the wrong
Copernicus. Mom... or who I thought
was my mom didn't think you could
ever be a dad. Especially to a little
girl. So when Paul was born a week
later, they just said I was his twin.
For maybe the first time in his life, Copernicus is at a loss for
words.
VIV (CONT’D)
I didn't find out myself until last
week. I wanted to tell you sooner.
I'm sorry.
Viv tries to smile but can only weep.

65.
VIV (CONT’D)
Surprise.
Copernicus, still shocked, rushes over. He hugs her, trying to

provide comfort.
COPERNICUS
No. You don't have anything to be
sorry about. I'm the one whose sorry.
VIV
My whole life, I always felt out of
place and I never understood why and
just when things are starting to make
sense, I lose my mom and now you too.
COPERNICUS
You won't. We're going to stop
Machiavelli. I promise.
Michelangelo is moved.
MICHELANGELO
You guys got my help. If you want it.
Copernicus nods.
INT. VATICAN - BED CHAMBER - NIGHT
Nostradamus sits, in a trance, at a table with a crystal ball.
NOSTRADAMUS
Uh-oh. Here comes trouble.
The door BURSTS open and Röist storms in.
A startled Nostradamus jumps up and backs up against the wall.
RÖIST
The queen was almost killed and
Copernicus got away. Why didn’t
you --
NOSTRADAMUS
-- I did. I told you about the ambush
by artist near fire.
Röist gets right into Nostradamus’s quivering face.
RÖIST
No more games. You will tell me right
now --
66.
NOSTRADAMUS
-- I already know what you’re going
to say. Let me save us some time.
Look in your back pocket.
Röist pulls out a sheet of paper. Looks at it.
That’s the exact address of where the
Pope is. By the time you get there,
Copernicus will be waiting for you.
In two seconds, a guard will come
through that door telling you that an
anonymous tip was just delivered with
that same address.
The door opens. An EAGER GUARD enters.
EAGER GUARD
Commander --
RÖIST
-- I already know!
Röist grabs Nostradamus's ear and pulls him towards the door.
NOSTRADAMUS
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
RÖIST
Are your psychic powers telling you
what I’m going to do to you if you’re
wrong?
EXT. RUNDOWN NEIGHBORHOOD - NIGHT
Copernicus, Michelangelo and Viv stand behind a carriage sitting

across from the gunpowder magazine. The rest of the street is
quite.
Michelangelo pulls a crossbow out of the back of the carriage.

Hands it to Copernicus.
MICHELANGELO
That's a Swiss-made repeating
crossbow. The repeating action means
it doesn't have the typical range or
power. Also the accuracy is a little
wack --
VIV
-- These crossbows sound shitty. And
really shouldn't we have a better
plan than just --
67.
COPERNICUS
-- We're not going to be able to out
Machiavelli, Machiavelli. The only
way to take him out is by doing what
I do best.
VIV
Math?
Copernicus gets a feel for the crossbow. Tests the sights.
COPERNICUS
No. Kicking ass is what I do best.
Second is fucking --
VIV
-- Cringe.
COPERNICUS
Math is third.
MICHELANGELO
Machiavelli probably has an escape
plan. I should say behind and guard
the exit. Plus, I still don't
completely trust you two.
COPERNICUS
Good idea.
(to Viv)
Maybe you should stay here with --
VIV
-- No way! Machiavelli knows you too
well. You said yourself, he's a
master manipulator. Someone needs to
make sure he doesn't lead you into
one of his psychological traps.
COPERNICUS
Forget it. It's too --
-- Viv snatches the crossbow out of his hand. Cocks it like a pro.
Takes aim.
A wine bottle sitting on a wall is EXPLODED by a crossbow bolt.
Viv cocks it again.
A second wine bottle SHATTERS and then a third.
With smug satisfaction, Viv gives the crossbow back to her dad.
MICHELANGELO
Those bottles were literally like
four feet away. A blindfolded monkey
could have made those shots.
68.
A wider angle reveals the shattered wine bottles right next to

them.
COPERNICUS
Her form was nice.
Michelangelo nods in agreement. Hands her a crossbow.
Stay close. I promise this will all
be over soon.
Copernicus and Viv head towards the magazine.
INT. OLD GUNPOWDER MAGAZINE - GROUND FLOOR - NIGHT
Machiavelli sips sherry in the elaborately decorated room -

Persian rugs, crystal chandelier, full bookshelves and of course
the Mona Lisa which he is currently admiring.
Copernicus and Viv enter. Crossbows at the ready.
Machiavelli keeps looking at the painting.
MACHIAVELLI
Big Dick Nick, that was my nickname
until you took it from me. But you’ve
taken a lot from me, haven’t you?
COPERNICUS
If this is about Lisa, look man, I
didn't even know you liked her.
Machiavelli turns around. SLAMS his sherry glass on the table.
MACHIAVELLI
I loved her! More than anything you
ever loved in your life.
COPERNICUS
It was thirty years ago. Why don' t
you --
MACHIAVELLI
-- Oh, how I’ve longed for the day
that I would make you pay for taking
her from me.
COPERNICUS
She was never yours.
MACHIAVELLI
She will be. Soon everything is going
to be mine.
69.
COPERNICUS
You’ve always been a delusional son
of bitch, haven’t you?
Machiavelli scoffs.
MACHIAVELLI
Me delusional? This from the man who
thinks he can prove God wrong with a
few equations. Even if I could
forgive you for Lisa, do you think I
would ever let your preposterous
theories see the light of --
COPERNICUS
-- What the hell do my theories have
to do --
MACHIAVELLI
-- A tyrant can only be cruel, so
long as his subjects know that he
rules by God's mandate. I intend on
being the greatest tyrant the world
has ever seen. So when uppity Polacks
come along telling people that God
can be wrong, then I have no other
choice --
VIV
-- Yeah, we’ve read your stupid
fucking book. So just save your –-
MACHIAVELLI
-- Oh Nick, Why did you bring the
girl? Now I have to kill you both.
COPERNICUS
I think you’re forgetting which one
of us is on the wrong end of a
crossbow.
MACHIAVELLI
Nice, but I'm afraid you really are
going to die. Believe me, I didn’t
want it to come to this. I was really
hoping when all this was over, we
would still be bros. I tried to help
you out, buddy. I really thought
finding out you were a father would
cause you to stop chasing such
foolish endeavors, but here you are.
COPERNICUS
What do you mean, you tried to help
me?
70.
MACHIAVELLI
Oh, I've been pulling the strings
this entire time. You captured
Valentinus in Krakow because we
needed a sample of your handwriting
for the ransom note. The man who
stole the necklace led you right to
my theater so I could tell you how to
bang the commander's wife. And of
course your sister. Do you really
think that her death was really just
the result an untimely illness?
Before Copernicus can even get enraged, a crossbow BOLT WHIZZES

past Machiavelli's head and sticks in the wall behind him.
Machiavelli freezes, eyes like saucers.
A confused Copernicus turns around. He's shocked to see Viv with

rage in he eyes, re-cocking the next bolt to try again.
Copernicus desperately wants time to process everything that is

happening, but notices Valentinus sneaking up behind Viv.
COPERNICUS
Viv!
Copernicus aims for Valentinus just as he kicks Viv in the back,

knocking her into Copernicus. They both stumble backwards onto a
Persian rug --
-- The rug falls through the floor taking Copernicus and Viv with
it, revealing a HOLE TO THE BASEMENT.
Machiavelli looks at Valentinus like he wants to kill him.
MACHIAVELLI
Were you just going to let her shoot
me in the fucking face?
Valentinus shrugs his shoulders.
Machiavelli takes the Mona Lisa off the wall. Hands it to

Valentinus.
We're done with plans B trough D.
Time to resume plan-A.
INT. OLD GUNPOWDER MAGAZINE - BASEMENT - CONTINUOUS
Copernicus and Viv pick themselves off the floor and pick up their
crossbows.
The Pope is also there, gagged and tied to a chair.

71.
COPERNICUS
What was that about falling into
psychological traps?
VIV
Fuck him! He killed my mom.
Copernicus shakes his head.
COPERNICUS
Well at least we found the Pope.
EXT. OLD GUNPOWDER MAGAZINE - NIGHT
The doors of the Magazine open. A carriage carrying Valentinus,

Machiavelli and the Mona Lisa exits and takes off down the street.
Michelangelo, sitting atop his own carriage sees it.
MICHELANGELO
Oh, no you don't.
He snaps the reigns. The HORSES don’t respond. They are both
asleep.
Michelangelo hops out. Runs over to the horses. Shakes them - No

luck.
Wake up, man! Come on!
He slaps one on the face - Hard.
Both horses wake up, startled, they run off, knocking Michelangelo
to the ground.
He gets up and sees Machiavelli’s carriage turn the corner.
He runs down an ALLEY, hoping to cut them off.
EXT. CITY STREETS - MOMENTS LATER
Michelangelo runs out of the ALLEY. He sees Machiavelli’s carriage

getting away.
An OLD MARRIED COUPLE on a carriage pulls over.
OLD LADY
Honey, look! I think that’s
Michelangelo.
They jump out of the carriage and run towards him.
The Old Lady hands him a pad and piece of charcoal.

72.
OLD LADY (CONT’D)
My husband and I are such big fans.
Can you draw a picture of the three
of us together?
MICHELANGELO
Not right now, girl. Sorry, I need
your carriage. It’s an art emergency.
Michelangelo runs over to the carriage and hops in.
He snaps the reigns, and he’s off.
INT. OLD GUNPOWDER MAGAZINE - BASEMENT - NIGHT
Copernicus removes the gag from the Pope.
COPERNICUS
Your Holiness, My name is Nicolaus
Copernicus. We’re here to rescue you.
Copernicus unties him.
POPE CLEMENT
My prayers have been answered. I
thank you. The Lord thanks you. How
can I ever repay you?
COPERNICUS
Well now that you mention it. I've
been looking into the positioning of
heavenly bodies and as it turns out
the sun --
-- The doors BURST open.
SWISS GUARDS rush in pointing their halberds. Röist and

Nostradamus follow.
The Pope, now untied, jumps up. Points at Viv.
POPE CLEMENT
You arrived just in time. They were
going to kill me!
Viv, realizing she’s still holding the crossbow, freaks.
VIV
Shit!
She tosses it down. Throws her hands up.
COPERNICUS
(to the Pope)
What are you doing?
73.
POPE CLEMENT
Seize them! They will hang at dawn.
The Guards grab Copernicus and Viv, who are in shock.
Röist approaches Copernicus.
RÖIST
I beg you, your Holiness. Let me kill
this one now.
POPE CLEMENT
We’re not savages.
(then)
But rough him up if you like.
Röist kicks Copernicus in the nuts as hard as he can.
Copernicus buckles in agonizing pain.
As soon as I am back at the Vatican,
I want the entire place locked down.
Nobody in or out!
Nostradamus lip-syncs everything the pope is saying and mimics his

facial expressions.
I will arrange that all the tunnels
are permanently sealed to prevent
fiascoes like this in the future!
The Pope heads for the exit.
EXT. TIBER RIVER - DOCKS - NIGHT
Machiavelli stands next to Valentinus. The chest of gold is

between them.
Michelangelo creeps in. He hides behind tea and spice crates.

They are approached by a SHADY MERCHANT, a mean looking son-of-a-
bitch dressed in all black.
MACHIAVELLI
You got the goods?
SHADY MERCHANT
Show me the gold.
Valentinus opens the chest. Shady Merchant grins and snaps his
fingers.
Behind him, a dozen SAILORS remove several canvas tarps revealing

hundreds of BARRELS.
74.
SHADY MERCHANT (CONT’D)
Three-hundred kegs of black powder.
The highest grade. Fresh from the
Ottoman Empire. Enough to blow up a
small city.
Machiavelli is pleased. Two Sailors take the chest of gold.
The Merchant walks off but stops and turns back.
SHADY MERCHANT (CONT’D)
Oh... and be careful. That stuff's
highly inflammable.
Machiavelli nods and Shady Merchant walks off, but then gets
really confused.
MACHIAVELLI
(to Valentinus)
Wait. Did he say inflammable?
Does that mean... wait...
inflammable?
VALENTINUS
It’s gunpowder. It’ll go boom.
MACHIAVELLI
Just get it to the tunnels.
Michelangelo slides down behind the crates. Looks worried.
MICHELANGELO
That crazy mutherfucker. He’s gonna
blow up the Vatican.
A CARAVAN of a dozen carriages shows up. The CLOAKED SATANISTS get

out and start loading the kegs onto the carriages.
They’re so strong that it only takes one of them to lift a keg.
Michelangelo pulls out his nunchucks.
Time to save the day, baby.
He peeks out from behind the crate. See’s the sheer power of
Machiavelli’s crew.
Damn. These dudes are jacked.
(to his nunchucks)
Sorry baby. Even us bad asses have
our limits.
INT. VATICAN - DUNGEON CELL - NIGHT
Copernicus is behind bars looking like all hope IS LOST.

75.
On the other side is Röist, now wearing a metal CODPIECE.
Several Guards are scattered about, all wearing CODPIECES just in

case Copernicus goes on another nut-kicking rampage.
COPERNICUS
This whole process will go a lot
cleaner if you had a signed
confession.
RÖIST
Silence.
COPERNICUS
Please just let the girl go. I’ll
confess to everything. Renounce my
theories - anything.
RÖIST
You’re in no position to negotiate.
Michelangelo enters holding a drawing pad.
MICHELANGELO
The Pope wants me to sketch a
portrait of the prisoner. Wants his
face to be used for all future
depictions of Satan.
RÖIST
Make it fast.
Röist exits. Michelangelo pulls up a stool.

COPERNICUS
Really, all future depictions of
Satan?
MICHELANGELO
Nah, man. I just needed to talk to
you.
COPERNICUS
What is it?
MICHELANGELO
Machiavelli's going to blow up the
Vatican, and he’s got enough black
powder to do it. I think the Pope’s
in on it. He’s got everybody confined
to quarters.
COPERNICUS
Of course. He's got every ruler in
Europe under one roof. It's the
ultimate power grab.
76.
MICHELANGELO
Every major artist, philosopher, and
scientist is here too. He'll bomb us
back to the dark ages.
COPERNICUS
There's gotta be a way to stop him.
MICHELANGELO
You think it's hard convincing people
the Earth revolves around the sun,
try convincing them the Pope wants to
blow up the Vatican.
COPERNICUS
Fuck! This is all my fault.
MICHELANGELO
No it's not.
COPERNICUS
My sister was right about me. I was
Viv's father for all of thirty
minutes, before getting her sentenced
to death.
MICHELANGELO
I think I can get her out.
Copernicus perks up.
I wish I could say the same for you,
but this security is legit.
COPERNICUS
No. Forget me. Just get her to
safety. Tell her I’m sorry. Make sure
she has access to my fortune. I know
I’m asking a lot but --
MICHELANGELO
-- Yo, don't sweat it. The girl's a
fighter. Like her old-man. She'll be
all right.
That makes Copernicus smile.
COPERNICUS
I owe you.
MICHELANGELO
Pay me back on the other side,
brother. Something tells me we'll end
up in the same place.
Copernicus cracks another little smile as he accepts his fate.

77.
INT. VATICAN - CORRIDOR - NIGHT
Two GUARDS block a hallway. Michelangelo walks up pulling a CART

with art supplies on it.
Michelangelo hands the Guard a piece of paper.
MICHELANGELO
Henry the Eighth wants to buy one of
my sculptures.
He indicates a life-sized STATUE of the Virgin Mary in the hallway

behind them.
HALL GUARD
At this time of night?
MICHELANGELO
You want to go tell the King of
England to wait, be my guest.
The two Guards look at each other, shrug their shoulders then
reluctantly let him pass.
He walks to the end of the hallway. Puts the statue on the cart.
Wheels it over to a door with a LOCK.
He checks to make sure the guards aren’t looking then pulls a
HAMMER and a CHISEL from the cart.
He puts the chisel on the lock and readies the hammer.
Checks the guards again. Puts one foot on the statue. Then slams
the hammer as he kicks over the statue.
The Statue CRASHES to the ground as the LOCK BRAKES.
The guards turn around, suspicious. The statue is on the ground,

broken in half.
Oh shit! Whatever, man. I can fix it.
He tosses the two broken halves of the statue onto the cart.
Just gotta take it back to the
studio.
He wheels the cart around the corner. The guards shake their heads
at the bone-headed artist and turn back around.
Michelangelo peeks around the corner before quietly doubling back

with the cart. He sneaks over to the now unlocked room.
78.
INT. VATICAN - EMPTY BED CHAMBER - NIGHT

Viv paces around the drab room with no windows. Next to her is a
pot to piss in and that’s about it.
She looks at the pissing-pot, like she really needs go but is
really anxious about it. She looks away and then back at it.
VIV
It’s okay. Nobody’s around. This
isn’t in public.
She lifts up the bottom of her dress and squats over the pot.
Michelangelo enters with the cart.
Viv freaks out and jumps up.

VIV (CONT’D)
Get out!
MICHELANGELO
What? I’m here to rescue you.
VIV
I have to pee.
Michelangelo turns around.
MICHELANGELO
Okay. Do your thing.
VIV
No. I can’t with people around.
He shakes his head, tosses her a white robe then grabs a bucket of
white paint and a brush from the cart.
MICHELANGELO
Then it’ll have to wait. Now put that
on, stand completely still and let
the master work.
EXT. VATICAN CITY GATE - NIGHT
Machiavelli and Valentinus, on a carriage, stop at a GATE GUARD.

Behind them is the CARAVAN with the kegs of gunpowder.
He gives the Gate Guard an official looking document.

MACHIAVELLI
I’m under papal orders to seal off
all the Vatican tunnels with this
concrete.
The Gate Guard gives the caravan a cursory once over before waving
them through.
79.
INT. VATICAN - CORRIDOR - LATTER

Michelangelo opens the door. He exits the room pulling the cart
behind him where Viv is standing perfectly still, disguised as a
MARBLE STATUE.
He casually makes his way towards the guards.
MICHELANGELO
Told ya. Good as new.
The Guards are amazed.

HALL GUARD
Wow. It’s so life like.
MICHELANGELO
Of course it is. I’m Michel-fucking-
angelo. Now outta my way, bitches.
Michelangelo passes them and proceeds down the hall.
INT. VATICAN - NOSTRADAMUS’S BED CHAMBER - NIGHT
Nostradamus, in bed, tosses and turns. He springs up in a cold

sweat, eyes wide open.
NOSTRADAMUS
Mabus!
EXT. VATICAN WALL - NIGHT

Michelangelo and Viv stand on the freedom side of the wall. Viv
uses a damp rag to wipe the paint off.
MICHELANGELO
If you still need to go, there are
some bushes over there.
VIV
No! I can’t go in public and there’s
no time. We have to stop Machiavelli.
MICHELANGELO
How are we supposed to do that?
VIV
Machiavelli's only weakness has been
right under our noses the entire
time. Lisa Gherardini, the real Mona
Lisa.
(MORE)
80.
VIV (CONT’D)
He's obsessed with her and right now
she's sitting at the Albergo San
Paulo waiting for a Mongolian Chimney
Sweep from my disgusting father.
The sound of LEAVES RUSTLING causes them to turn around.
They see Nostradamus climbing out of a tree to the freedom side of

the wall.
VIV (CONT’D)
Who the fuck is that?
MICHELANGELO
It’s that French psychic. He’s the
one that led the Swiss Guard to you
and the Pope.
Nostradamus hops down from the tree. He looks around and is
tackled to the ground by Viv.
She grabs him by the collar. Nostradamus covers his face while he
quivers.
NOSTRADAMUS
Don’t hurt me! Please! I surrender.
Michelangelo runs over.

MICHELANGELO
Surrendering to a little girl, man.
What kind of Frenchmen are you?
NOSTRADAMUS
Give it five-hundred years, it’ll be
what we’re best known for.
VIV
You fucking fraud! You’re not really
a prophet. Machiavelli's been feeding
you information!
NOSTRADAMUS
No! I really am clairvoyant. I can
prove it. Look down the front of your
dress.
VIV
What?
Viv feels her chest. Realizes something is there. She reaches down
the top of her dress and pulls out a sheet of paper.
She reads it and is shocked!

81.
VIV (CONT’D)
How do you know this? I’ve never told
anybody.
NOSTRADAMUS
I’m telling you. I see everything.
She beats Nostradamus with the paper. Michelangelo tries to sneak

a peek to see what’s written on it.
VIV
So you write down my deepest darkest
secret and stuff it in my underwear,
like a sick, disgusting pervert.
MICHELANGELO
Now that’s more like a Frenchman.
NOSTRADAMUS
We have to get out of here.
Machiavelli is Mabus, one of three
Antichrists that have been haunting
my dreams since I was a child. Once
he destroys the Vatican, wars of
succession will consume Europe. He
will rise from the ashes, build up an
evil empire and use it's power to
conquer the world.
VIV
If you know all this. You have to
know how to stop him.
NOSTRADAMUS
I can’t. Tis my curse. I can see the
future but am powerless to stop it.
VIV
Why?
NOSTRADAMUS
Well I’ve never actually tried. I
mean... If I predict the future then
stop it from happening how are people
going to know I’m psychic? People
have to know. My prophecies are my
legacy.
Viv, tired of hearing men whine about their goddamn legacies,

slaps him hard in the face and gets up.
VIV
Enough! You two chuckle-fucks are
going to forget about your fucking
legacies and combine your powers to
break out my father.
(MORE)
82.
VIV (CONT’D)
We all meet under the Saint Angelo
Bridge in thirty minutes to end this
thing. You got it?
MICHELANGELO
What are you gonna to do?
Viv storms off with fire in her eyes.

VIV
I'm going to steal the Mona Lisa
again... The woman, not the painting.
INT. VATICAN - TUNNELS - NIGHT

Machiavelli and Valentinus supervise the placement of the kegs.
MACHIAVELLI
Tell them to hurry. We’re detonating
in an hour.
Valentinus is surprised.
VALENTINUS
We told the Pope ninety minutes.
He’ll still be in the Vatican.
MACHIAVELLI
The Pope’s an asshole. Fuck ‘em.
INT. VATICAN - HALLWAY - NIGHT

Michelangelo studies a floor plan with notes written on it.
MICHELANGELO
You better not fuck me Nostradamus.
(deep breath, then)
Three-two-one... go.
He turns a corner to an empty hallway, proceeds down it.
One-two-three-four-five.
He opens a door and goes in just as the door next to it opens, and
TWO GUARDS exit then go the way Michelangelo just came.
Michelangelo opens the door and continues down the hall.
One-two-three-four-five-six.
Michelangelo ducks behind a potted plant just as TWO MORE GUARDS
turn a corner and walk past him.
83.
Michelangelo gets back up and heads for the corner.
One-two-three --
-- He turns the corner and smashes faces with Copernicus.
They both fall backwards and onto their respective asses.

COPERNICUS
You’re supposed to rescue Viv.
MICHELANGELO
She’s out. I came back for you.
COPERNICUS
Cool, but I already found this note
in my underwear telling me how to
escape.
Michelangelo nods his head.
MICHELANGELO
Nostradamus, my man.
The two pick themselves up off the floor.
EXT. ALBERGO SAN PAOLO - NIGHT
A charming hotel overlooking TREVI SQUARE.

Viv runs up. Checks the sign to be sure it's the right place.
INT. ALBERGO SAN PAOLO - HALLWAY - NIGHT

Viv frantically knocks on a door.
The door opens revealing the universe’s most famous face - LISA
DEL GIOCONDO GHERARDINI (50), Every bit as elegant and graceful as
the brush strokes that immortalize her.
Viv is in awe of how much she resembles the painting.

LISA
Sorry, dear. No more autographs.
VIV
No wait. Copernicus sent me. I’m his
niece... I mean daughter.
LISA
Copernicus? I just got a message from
him telling me to meet him at Castel
Sant' Angelo in thirty minutes. I was
just about to leave.
84.
Viv has a revelation.
VIV
Castel Sant' Angelo! That’s where
Machiavelli is going to do it.
LISA
What’s going on? And what does that
little twit Machiavelli have to do
with this? Because I am down for a
lot of stuff, but a three-way with
that scrub --
VIV
-- No! That message wasn’t from
Copernicus.
She grabs Lisa by the wrists and pulls her out of the room.
VIV (CONT’D)
I’ll explain on the way.
EXT. ST. ANGELO BRIDGE - NIGHT

Copernicus, Michelangelo and Nostradamus wait under the bridge.
Viv and Lisa jog up to them.
VIV
Chuckle-fucks! You did it!
Viv and Copernicus hug.

COPERNICUS
I’m just glad you’re okay. I know I
was never there for you, but I just
want you to know --
VIV
-- Fuck you, dad. How about we save
the world first.
COPERNICUS
(to Lisa)
Lisa, you’re looking every bit as
lovely --
LISA
-- Fuck you, Copernicus. How about we
save the world first.
Copernicus, feeling like and idiot, nods.

VIV
Okay, Machiavelli is going to light
the fuse any minute from the castle.
Nostradamus, Go tell the Queen of
France what’s going on.
(MORE)
85.
VIV (CONT’D)
Have her get as many people out as
possible. Whoever will listen.
Nostradamus, with smug satisfaction, nods.
VIV (CONT’D)
Michelangelo, You get up high and
keep an eye out for Valentinus and
that Satanic Horde.
Michelangelo, feeling like a badass, nods.

VIV (CONT’D)
Lisa we’re gonna use as bait.
LISA
Yeah, thanks for running that by me
first.
VIV
When Machiavelli is distracted,
Copernicus takes him out. I’m going
to locate the bomb’s fuse and cut it
off at the source.
Nostradamus hands Viv a mystical looking DAGGER.
NOSTRADAMUS
Here use this to cut it.
Viv is in complete awe of the dagger.

VIV
Is it a magic dagger?
NOSTRADAMUS
No. It’s just really sharp and good
at cutting stuff.
Viv is disappointed.
MICHELANGELO
Nostradamus, is this going to work?
NOSTRADAMUS
I don’t know. Trying to stop the
future is uncharted territory.
VIV
Well, the fate of the world depends
on us charting it. Everybody to their
positions - Go!
COPERNICUS
This is a good. I like this plan.
They all take off.
86.
EXT. CASTEL SANT’ ANGELO - LOGGIA - NIGHT

Michelangelo, hauling a bag of goodies, gets into position. He
readies a CROSSBOW and surveys the area.
He has a 360-degree view of the entire castle.

He sees Machiavelli holding a torch, nervously pacing at the
BASTION OF ST. MARK, a fortified rampart at the north-west corner
of the castle.
There is a half-mile long bridge connecting the Bastion of St.
Mark to the Vatican called PASSETTO DI BORGO.
Valentinus runs across it unspooling a line of fuse that runs down

the Passetto and into a SECRET TUNNEL ENTRANCE.
EXT. CASTEL SANT’ ANGELO - BASTION OF ST. MATTHEW - CONTINUOUS

At another rampart in the southwest corner of castle, Viv and Lisa
can see Copernicus climbing on top of the enclosure that surrounds
the Bastion of St. Mark.
VIV
(to Lisa)
Copernicus is in place. Remember,
stick to the script.
EXT. CASTEL SANT’ ANGELO - BASTION OF ST. MARK - CONTINUOUS

Copernicus from the top of the bastion looks down on Machiavelli.
Valentinus finishes unspooling the fuse.
VALENTINUS
We’re ready when you are.
MACHIAVELLI
We wait for her.
VALENTINUS
What makes you think she’s going to
show up?
Right on cue, Lisa turns the corner and on to the Bastion.
Machiavelli’s breath is taken away.

MACHIAVELLI
My Belle Lisa.
Valentinus quietly backs off towards the Passetto.
87.
LISA
(overly dramatic)
Oh my brave Niccolo Machiavelli, why
did I ever choose that foolish Polack
over you?
Machiavelli is hypnotized by Lisa’s beauty. He walks over to her
like he’s in a trance.
MACHIAVELLI
Oh my fair Lisa, you never have to
worry about him again. He can’t hurt
you anymore.
Copernicus sneaks down from the top of the Bastion, he creeps
towards Machiavelli’s turned back.
LISA
(hamming it up)
Oh, my shame. To think his disgusting
hands were all over me. I will never
feel sexy again knowing he’s out
there.
Copernicus is about to pounce on Machiavelli.
Machiavelli smirks, not looking so hypnotized anymore.

MACHIAVELLI
He is still out there... isn’t he?
Machiavelli whips around. Burns Copernicus with the torch.
Copernicus backs off in pain.

COPERNICUS
Viv! Now! Go!
Viv takes off, sprinting down the Passetto.

Machiavelli kicks Copernicus in the chest. Knocking him down.
ON THE LOGGIA
Michelangelo sees six SATANIC THUGS exit the secret passage on the
Passetto as Viv runs in their direction.
He grabs a rope from his bag of goodies.
He lassos it around the STATUE OF ARCHANGEL MICHAEL on top of the

castle and ties the other end to the crossbow BOLT.
He shoots the crossbow aiming for the Passetto.
The bolt sticks into a brick at the far end of the Passetto.
88.
He pulls out his NUNCHUCKS and uses them to ZIPLINE from the top
of the castle to the center of the --
PASSETTO BETWEEN THE THUGS AND VIV.

He takes a look at the Thugs who charge furiously towards him.
MICHELANGELO
(to the nun-chuck)
Okay, baby. There are no limits for
bad-asses tonight.
He charges towards the Thugs swinging his nunchucks.
ON THE BASTION
Machiavelli walks over to the fuse.
MACHIAVELLI
(to Lisa)
Now we can be together forever and
rule the world as king and queen.
He lights the fuse. SPARKS shoot out. They travel down the fuse
HISSING and POPPING like a Mission Impossible intro.
COPERNICUS
Viv! Now! Cut --
-- Machiavelli kicks him in the face, shutting him up.
ON THE PASSETTO
Viv turns around. Sees the lit fuse coming her way. She readies
the dagger, but Valentinus grabs her from behind and slams her
against the wall.
The dagger falls over the side of the Passetto. IT'S GONE.
Michelangelo keeps fighting off the Thugs, but they start getting
the better of him.
Viv struggles to break free from Valentinus but can't.

She looks over to Copernicus. See’s Machiavelli kicking him while
he’s down.
She looks at the fuse it’s getting closer. She’s worried she won’t
be able to stop it.
Something THUMPS Valentinus over the head. He falls to the ground

unconscious, revealing Lisa there with a club.
89.
ON THE BASTION
Machiavelli pulls out a dagger and plunges towards Copernicus.
Copernicus rolls out of the way and gets up.
Machiavelli plows into Copernicus knocking him to the edge of the
Bastion.
He tries to plunge the dagger into Copernicus’s heart, but

Copernicus grabs his wrist just in time.
ON THE PASSETTO
The fuse is getting even closer.
LISA
Stop the fuse. I’ll help Nick.
Lisa takes off. Viv grabs a dagger sheath off of Valentinus’s belt
and runs over to the fuse.
She picks up the fuse and loops it, preparing to cut it.
She unsheathes the knife, but... That's not a knife. It’s a

fucking SPOON.
Viv can’t believe it.
VIV
Are you fucking shitting me, right
now!
INTERCUT: BASTION/PASSETTO
The dagger is getting closer and closer to Copernicus’s chest as

Machiavelli pushes with all his might.
MACHIAVELLI
I'm Big Dick Nick! Not you! Me!
Copernicus is struggling, trying to push it away. He sees Viv.
COPERNICUS
Viv! You have to pee on it!
Viv looks over to him.
The fuse is burning closer and closer to Viv.

VIV
What? Pee on it! Because that’s your
answer to everything!
Viv is having a panic attack.
90.
COPERNICUS
Pee on it. A wet fuse is a useless
fuse. You can do it.
Her panicking gets worse.

VIV
I can’t! You know I can’t! It’s the
one thing I can’t do!
COPERNICUS
Yes you can! You’re a Copernicus. The
world is your toilet!
Viv looks at the fuse. It’s almost to her. She looks at the secret
entrance. She knows if it gets there it’s all over.
Michelangelo is taking out the Thugs left and right with expert
nunchuck skills.
She’s got no choice. She squats over the fuse. Closes her eyes.
Concentrates.
The lit fuse travels under her dress... TINKLE, TINKLE, TINKLE
followed by a SIZZLE and a PUFF of smoke. The sizzling of the fuse
is no more.
Viv opens her eye. Realizes what she’s done.
Michelangelo knocks out the last Thug.

Viv jumps for joy.
VIV
I did it! I peed. I peed in public.
Machiavelli sees Viv celebrating.

MACHIAVELLI
No! This isn't over!
Copernicus twists his wrist and takes the dagger away. He

roundhouse kicks Machiavelli in the face.
Machiavelli stumbles backwards. Spins around to see Lisa standing

in front of him.
She KICKS HIM IN THE NUTS. Machiavelli can’t believe it. He
clutches his balls in pain.
Copernicus throws the dagger. It spins through the air and the
handle hits Machiavelli in the head. He goes cross-eyed.
Okay, now it's over.
He hits the ground unconscious.
91.
END INTERCUT.
ON THE BASTION
Viv and Michelangelo run up to Copernicus.
VIV
We did it!
Copernicus and Viv hug.
COPERNICUS
You did it. I'm so proud of you.
Their celebration is cut short when 20 SWISS GUARDS run onto the
Bastion and surround them.
Röist cuts in between them. Aims a crossbow at Copernicus.
RÖIST
I don’t know how you managed to
escape and kidnap the Pope again! But
you will tell me where he is, or I
pull this trigger on the count of
three.
The good guys are stunned.

VIV
You got it all wrong!
RÖIST
One...
MICHELANGELO
Just listen, man.
RÖIST
Two...
CATHERINE DE’ MEDICI (O.S.)

Lower your weapon, immediately.
Catherine and Nostradamus cut past the circle of Swiss Guards as

40 FRENCH TROOPS surround the area.
RÖIST
I don’t take orders from you.
(re: Machiavelli)
The Pope was conspiring with this one
to blow up the Vatican with all of us
in it. Copernicus and the others
stopped him.
92.
RÖIST
That’s impossible.
Just then, a nearby statue slides over, revealing a SECRET

ENTRANCE. The Pope, in Papal pajamas, crawls out.
POPE CLEMENT
Hey, Machiavelli. I’m not too late,
am I? I want to see the explosion.
The Pope turns. Sees everybody eyeballing him. His jaw drops.
Oh come on! Fuck you, Copernicus!
You can see Röist’s heart break before everybody’s eyes.

RÖIST
Your Holiness, say it isn’t true.
POPE CLEMENT
So what if it is? God told me to do
it. What the fuck are any of you
going to do about it?
RÖIST
If word gets out. It’s done. The
church is finished.
POPE CLEMENT
The church is never finished unless
either I or God says it is. Besides,
word of this will never get out.
(re: Machiavelli, Copernicus
and Viv)
Commander, you will kill these three,
and the rest of you will be sworn to
secrecy.
Two guards grab Copernicus and Viv.

Nostradamus whispers something in Catherine’s ear.
COPERNICUS
(to the Pope)
You’re a real piece of shit! You know
that!
Catherine, looking all business, walks up to the Pope.

I wouldn’t do that if I were you,
Uncle Giulio.
(MORE)
93.
CATHERINE DE’ MEDICI (CONT’D)

My prophet tells me that Copernicus
and his daughter will be single-
handedly responsible for stamping out
the protestant reformation in Poland
and Royal Prussia.
The Pope looks over to Copernicus not wanting to believe it.

CATHERINE DE’ MEDICI (CONT’D)
My prophet’s never wrong, Giulio.
He stomps over to Copernicus. Gets right in his face.

POPE CLEMENT
Fine. Go back to Poland, Polack. And
stay there. Your nonsense theories
are hereby outlawed. Anybody
believing the Earth to move around
the sun, or to move at all, will be
sentenced to death. Nobody's winning
back the Protestants by contradicting
scripture.
The Pope storms off.

VIV
Unbelievable! You're going to listen
to him? He tried to kill all of you.
And he still gets to be Pope?
Fear of God is what keeps our
subjects in line. If the Pope can be
replaced, we all can. And we
certainly can't make people think
that God is wrong about the placement
of the Earth. Then what else is he
wrong about? Our divine right to
rule. Ha! That'll be the day.
VIV
But that's what Machiavelli would
say!
COPERNICUS
Viv, forget it. Let's just go home.
VIV
If we defeat the man, but not his
ideas, then we didn't actually do
anything.
The Swiss Guards and French troops dissipate.

94.
COPERNICUS
Covering up objective truth and
scientific fact for political gain is
pretty disgusting, but it's not the
end of the world.
NOSTRADAMUS
(sotto to Michelangelo)
Not yet, but once again, give it
about five-hundred years.
COPERNICUS
You saved the world from the
Antichrist tonight, and a lot of
people who deserved it, got kicked in
the nuts. That's a win my book.
Viv smiles taking a little bit of comfort in it.
LISA
(to Copernicus)
I think I'll take a rain check on
that Mongolian Chimney Sweep. I’m
going to go home and hug my kids.
COPERNICUS
Good call.
Lisa departs with the last of the guards and troops who also drag
off the unconscious Machiavelli.
Copernicus, Viv, Michelangelo and Nostradamus are left alone.

(to Nostradamus)
I really don’t feel like crushing the
reformation.
NOSTRADAMUS
I made that part up. The rest of your
life will actually be very boring.
Copernicus puts his arm around Viv.
COPERNICUS
You know what? I’ll take it.
NOSTRADAMUS
Not to worry. Centuries from now
people will still be talking about
your magnificent work. In fact,
that’s true for all of us.
Michelangelo nods and smiles. Viv’s face lights up.
VIV
It is?
95.
NOSTRADAMUS
Sorry. I was just talking about the
boys. I thought that was obvious.
The three boys walk off while Viv stands there frowning. Finally,
it's her turn to whine about her legacy.
VIV
But my plan saved the world.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY
Copernicus’s carriage stops right next to a sign that reads:

“Krakow - Protestants NOT Welcome."
He hops out of the carriage and crosses out the “NOT”.
EXT. WAWEL CATHEDRAL - DAY

Viv’s brothers and sister are waiting in front of the Cathedral.
The carriage halts. Copernicus and Viv get out.
The two younger boys run up to Viv. Greet her with open arms.
Andrea, the youngest girl, runs up and hugs Copernicus’s leg.

ANDREA
We missed you, Uncle Ni --
-- She lets go and backs off, ashamed.

ANDREA (CONT’D)
I’m sorry. I forgot.
COPERNICUS
No. That’s okay.
He picks her up and gives her a hug. It's an awkward hug, but at
least he's trying.
I missed you too.
Andrea adorably smiles.
Paul, the oldest boy, Approaches Copernicus with a book.

PAUL
Dear Uncle, I’ve been trying to read
this Machiavelli book, but it makes
no sense.
Copernicus snatches the book. Chucks it as far as he can.
COPERNICUS
You can say that again.
96.
Copernicus gathers all the children around.
PAUL
Did you get your theory approved?
COPERNICUS
No, but that's okay. I have an new
legacy now.
He puts his arm around Viv and they smile at each other.
Come on kids. I want to tell you all
about how your sister was able to
save the Pope’s life and rescued the
world from evil and tyranny.
PAUL
What? Viv? No way.
COPERNICUS
It’s true, and something tells me it
won’t be the last time.
FADE TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
EXT. ROOF TOP - PISA - NIGHT
GALILEO (25), a renaissance hipster, looks at the stars through a

telescope then takes some notes.
Someone loudly CLEARS THEIR THROAT to get his attention.
Galileo turns around to see an Old Women.

Time has taken a toll on her body but her symmetrical features,
high cheekbones, clear skin, and narrow waist seem all too
familiar.
This is OLD VIV (80's).
OLD VIV
You Galileo?
GALILEO
Yeah. Who are you?
OLD VIV
Fly telescope you got there.
GALILEO
Really? Have you seen a lot of
telescopes? Considering that this is
one of two on the entire planet, I
somehow doubt it.
97.
OLD VIV
I like your rebellious nature, kid.
You’re going to need it, given the
pricks we’re going up against.
Galileo couldn’t be more confused.

GALILEO
Seriously, who are you?
Old Viv walks over. Tosses a book next to the telescope.

It’s On the Revolutions of Heavenly Spheres by Nicolaus
Copernicus. Galileo looks at it in wonderment, like he just
spotted a unicorn.
OLD VIV
I’m the bitch that’s gonna show you
the harmony of the cosmos.
FADE OUT.
THE END.

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Renaissance Men

INT. TAVERN - NIGHT

Wealthy MERCHANTS, ARTISTS and SCHOLARS in the finest fashions of

SUPER: Krakow, Poland. The Year of our Lord 1524.

Under a poster of POPE CLEMENT VII in an Uncle Sam pose that

He indicates his Earth centered model of the solar system which

-- Eva yawns. Valentinus gets desperate.

The tavern goes silent.

Draped in much better velvet, he strolls towards Valentinus with

Onlookers hold their breath, convinced that shit is about to go

Eva, star-struck by the approaching stud, stands up.

Copernicus arrives at the table.

Eva blushes. Copernicus snaps his fingers at a TAVERN WENCH.

Copernicus holds up a letter for the whole tavern to see.

The entire tavern GASPS in horror.

Valentinus looks at his weapon of choice. It is indeed a SPOON. He

Copernicus roundhouse kicks him in the face.

Copernicus likes the way she said that.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

There is a loud BANGING at the door.

More BANGING on the door as clothes keep coming off.

Copernicus, stunned, stops kissing Eva. He rushes to the door.

Copernicus throws on a robe as he rushes out of the room.

INT. STUDY - NIGHT

Copernicus stands behind his desk addressing a row of children,

He fake smiles at the bummed-out children.

This makes Copernicus extremely uncomfortable.

He pulls her off, causing her to cry.

VIV (17), an ungovernable, blonde beauty, rushes over to comfort

Copernicus's tone shifts from sentimental to forthright.

Viv’s face lights up with excitement.

Viv’s face turns sour.

He pulls a book from a shelf. It's On the Revolutions of the

Copernicus cracks a little smile, thinking about his sweet, sweet

Copernicus, sensing sarcasm, suspiciously squints at Viv.

He heads for the door in a hurry.

The kids mope towards the door. Except for Viv.

EXT. WAWEL CATHEDRAL - DAY

A CHAUFFEUR secures a trunk to the top of a carriage as Copernicus

They get to the carriage. Copernicus opens the door.

Copernicus enters the carriage and closes the door.

Anna nods and walks off.

Copernicus, startled, looks up to see Viv across from him.

Copernicus opens the door.

Viv holds up a copy of his book.

Viv gets desperate.

She lowers her head in defeat and exits the carriage.

EXT. STREETS OF ROME - DAY

Copernicus gets out and soaks in the splendid metropolis: Marble

Copernicus turns around and is stunned to see Viv, standing there

Viv approaches him with the stack of paper. Copernicus is shocked

-- A greasy STREET THUG runs past, snatching a necklace from Viv's

Copernicus sprints after the Street Thug.

He knocks down a FISHMONGER cart, spilling raw seafood all over

Copernicus slips on a SQUID and lands on his ass.

He grabs a TRIDENT from the Neptune-looking-Fishmonger. Hurls it.

It flies down the street.

The Street Thug, as if being controlled by a sixth sense, flings

Copernicus charges towards him. Street Thug readies the trident.

Street Thug tosses the trident down and takes off.

Copernicus gets up, sore and embarrassed.

Viv rushes over. Helps Copernicus up and collects her papers.

Flips through some more of the pages.