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 This example illustrates one way in which psychological
August 1996 By Dr. Stacy Becker
Bio: Stacy L. Becker, Psy. D. is a licensed clinical
psychologist and has been an advocate of abuse
victims and survivors for several years. She is
particularly committed to educating and treating
survivors of psychological maltreatment. Your
comments are welcome by e-
mailing yesican@yesican.org.
A middle-aged woman walked into my office, took a
seat and asked, "Is it possible for me to have been a
victim of child abuse if I was never beaten or
molested? I responded, "yes" and asked why she
asked. She described herself as being frequently
depressed and unable to feel good about herself. She
said that she felt that she did not know who she was,
or what her purpose in life was. She said that her
parents were good, strict parents and that, in all
honesty, she had no right to feel badly about herself.
"After all," she added, "worse things have happened to
other people."?
I thought that there had to be a reason for her asking
her original question even though she insisted that she
had a wonderful upbringing. I asked her what her
parents' attitude had been like towards her. She said
that in her home children were "seen and not heard."
She recalled being the "good girl" in the family who
always followed the rules. When I asked her what
happened if she didn't follow the rules, she said that
she never dared rebel but that she often saw her
siblings publicly humiliated; they were frequently
called "imbecile," "dummy," or "useless." She said that
it made her feel afraid, even when she was not the one
in trouble. When I asked her what she thought of this
tactic, she stated that she knew that her parents did
the best that they could. She said that her parents
were simply trying to teach all the children the "ways
of right and wrong" so that they would grow up to be
"disciplined and successful adults." When I asked her if
she felt angry about how she and her siblings were
treated, she replied, "No, we weren't really allowed to
get angry. Anger just makes things worse. Besides,
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maltreatment had adversely impacted the life of a
woman. There are many types of psychological
maltreatment and just as many ways that it impacts
the emotional, social, and intellectual development of
individuals. In this case, although her parents had,
perhaps, acted in ways that they felt would be in the
best interest of their children, this woman had learned
how to "be good" at the expense of learning who she
was, what she wanted, and how to express her own
feelings. Maybe she was depressed because she was
too afraid to take chances and risk making an error;
after all, in her family, making an error meant taking
the chance of being devastated by humiliation and
ridicule.
What is particularly insidious about this form of abuse
is that the child victim and the adult survivor often
have no idea "what hit them." There are no memories
and no physical evidence of being beaten, molested, or
abused because the bruises and scars are invisible. It
is the soul that is injured.
Part of being a child is to naturally trust one's parents
or caretakers and assume that if the adult says, "this is
for your own good," it truly is. Even as adults,
therefore, victims of psychological maltreatment often
find it difficult to trust their own judgment since an
integral part of the abuse was reinforcing that they
didn't know what was best for them. Many children and
adults simply accept the blame and think that they are
the problem and are crazy, bad, or worthless. They
discredit their own reactions and feelings so that their
perceptions match what they are told to think or feel.
They often conclude that had they been better,
smarter, or more obedient, their parents would have
been more loving, supportive, or proud of them.
Unfortunately, depression and low self esteem are
natural consequences of this process. The good news
is: this is treatable. Therapy can bring relief and a new
sense of purpose.
‰ For confidentiality purposes, this is a composite of
many clients.
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I've always been much too sensitive about things."
It seemed to me that as the "good girl" she even felt
guilty questioning her parents as she spoke to me. She
spoke in a polite, soft tone, qualified nearly everything
that she said, and reminded me several times about
her parents' good intentions. When I gently suggested
that it may be beneficial that she try to begin to look
more at her past and how it may be keeping her from
fulfilling her dreams in the present, she said that she
was wrong for having come in and that blaming her
parents was an ungrateful and disrespectful act. I
explained that the goal of therapy is to understand
what happened so that she could be as accepting of
herself as she was of others. Therapy is never about
blame. It's about understanding, healing and
growing.*
ctober 1997 By Sherry A. Quirk, Esq.
Bio: Sherry A. Quirk, Esq., is a member of the firm of
Verner, Liipfert, Bernhard, McPherson & Hand. Ms.
Quirk practices extensively in the legislative and
administrative areas, and over the past several years
has devoted significant time and effort to the issue of
sexual abuse of children. In 1992, Ms. Quirk also
established and continues to supervise Verner Liipfert's
pro bono project on behalf of victims of childhood
sexual abuse. She is the President and co-founder of
One Voice: the National Alliance of Abuse Awareness
and its public policy project, the American Coalition for
Abuse Awareness. One Voice, a 501 © (3) entity, is a
national alliance of adult survivors and child victims of
sexual abuse, their supporters, child advocacy
organizations, non-offending parents, health care and
legal professionals who are seeking to improve the
quality of life for children and adult survivors of sexual,
physical and emotional abuse. One Voice is active in
educating the public, the national media and our
members of congress on preventing the victimization
of children, supporting the right of victims to seek
redress through the courts and assuring access to
appropriate treatment for victims of abuse. Ms. Quirk
can be reached by e-mail at ACAADC@aol.com
Americans are more aware than ever of the tragedy of
child abuse: our national and local media carry daily
reports of children who have been beaten, imprisoned,
starved, burned or sexually and emotionally abused.
Shopping carts, milk cartons, billboards, newspapers
all carry the message that children should tell if they
are being hurt and that to prevent abuse, just call a
hotline and help will arrive.?
üowever, we are slowly awakening to the fact that,
even if suspected abuse is reported, this does not
always result in safeguarding the child from further
abuse. In fact, some of the worst cases are those
where authorities were notified of abuse and had
determined that the child was at risk, but nevertheless
left the child in the care of the abuser. We are also
learning that not only the woman who flees domestic
violence is at risk from further violence, but that her
children are often the innocent witnesses to her being
battered -- or additional victims. And in far too many
cases, the batterer has not only revenges himself on
his former partner, but hurts or kills the children as
well.
But there is an aspect to this violence in the family
which so far has escaped the public's attention: the
granting of sole custody or unsupervised access to the
batterer or child abuser. According to the American
Judges Foundation, "One of the most common reasons
given for resuming an abusive relationship is the fear
that the abuser will act on the threats of taking the
children from the victim. Studies show that batterers
have been able to convince authorities that the victim
is unfit or undeserving of sole custody in
approximately 70% of challenged cases."
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The idea that batterers and child abusers are awarded

arise during divorce or custody disputes are likely to be
false, but the empirical research to date shows no such
increase in false reporting at that time. In many
instances, children are frightened about being alone
with a father they have seen use violence towards
their mother or a father who has abused them.
Sometimes children make it clear to the court that
they wish to remain with the mother because they are
afraid of the father, but their wishes are ignored."
Fathers, too, sometimes find themselves caught in the
gears of the court when they report abuse their
children have disclosed at the hands of stepfathers or
their mother's boyfriend. These mothers are at times
more interested in protecting their partner than
safeguarding their children. Such cases underscore the
importance of having the best interest of the child at
heart, and that the protection of the child should be
the goal of our child protection system. It goes without
saying that each case must be judged on its own
merits.
As far as we know, no one has addressed the long
term affects of this betrayal upon children who told
about being abused but were silenced or ignored by
the judicial system and given into the hands of those
who had abused and violated them. Susan Smith is an
anecdotal example: a mother who, as a young
teenager reported abuse by her stepfather, received
no help, and proceeded to murder her own children.
Told that the court would protect them from the
abuser, how can abused children then believe that
they deserve help and protection? And as Randy
Burton, Esq., of Justice for Children has remarked,
"The public's perception of widespread abuses in the
family courts has created a crisis in confidence in the
judicial system in general."
Please join us in drawing attention to the re-
victimization of children through a court system which
allows batterers and child abusers to have unrestricted
access to children. Let your state and national
representatives know about this grave problem and
educate your local and national press.
 
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sole custody even when there has been a domestic
violence conviction or reliable evidence of sexual abuse
may seem so bizarre as to be unbelievable to most
Americans. Even those who have experienced this
admit that they never would have believed it possible
until it happened to them. They thought that if their
child made an outcry, help would be there for them.
They thought that judges would look at a history of
domestic violence, weigh the medical evidence, listen
to the words of their children, and choose to protect
the child. Instead, as the American Psychological
Association states in its report on Violence in the
Family (1996), "Family courts frequently minimize the
harmful impact of children's witnessing violence
between their parents and sometimes are reluctant to
believe mothers«Some professionals assume that
accusations of physical or sexual abuse of children that
September, 1994
Bio: Child Protection Leader is published quarterly by
the American Humane Association, Children's Division,
presenting timely information on significant issues
related to the protection of children and strengthening
of families. The printing of this article is with the
permission of the American Humane Association - Child
Protection Leader. Additional copies may be requested
by writing to AHA-Child Protection Leader 63 Inverness
Drive East, Englewood, CO 80112-5117, or by phoning
(303) 7982-9900 or FAX (303) 7982-5333. If you are
interested in finding out more about the American
Humane Association please click onto their name found
on our links section of our website.
A growing body of research points to a definite link
between adult domestic violence and child abuse.
These connections are pervasive. Forty-five to seventy
percent of battered women in shelters report that their
batterers have also committed some form of child
abuse. Even using the more conservative figure, child
abuse is 15 times more likely to occur in households
where adult domestic violence is also present. Women
who have been beaten by their spouses are, in turn,
reportedly twice as likely as other women to abuse a
child. It is also estimated that 3.3. million to 10 million
children witness domestic violence each year. Many
child witnesses of domestic violence experience
increased problems themselves.?
These connections make it important for those working
in the field of child abuse and neglect to understand
the connection between spousal abuse and child
abuse, and to respond with treatment and protective
resources that recognize the link. Cooperation between
professionals working with battered women and
abused or neglected children is essential. In practice,
formal connections between the two fields are not
often in place. They are sorely needed, however,
beginning with the initial intake contact with the
abused child or battered women, and continuing
through assessment of the precipitating incident and
family interaction, treatment planning, intervention
strategies, and evaluations of client progress.
A variety of family dynamics are at work in homes
where spouse abuse leads to child abuse or neglect.
Sometimes a child is the unintended victim when he or
she attempts to intervene in an attack on a parent. In
other instances, a child is accidentally struck by a blow
directed at the mother. üowever, many children are
deliberate targets in violent households. The severity
of child abuse, and the manner in which children are
abused bears a strong resemblance to the type of
maltreatment experienced by their mothers.
More difficult for many to understand is the battered
woman who abuses or neglects her children. According
to those who work with battered woman, several
explanations are possible. In an effort to forestall
further violence, some battered women devote all their
attention to their abuser, or they withdraw from the
family -- even the children -- in an effort to protect
themselves. Both responses may result in child
neglect. The tremendous stress associated with living
in a violent situation may also prompt physical abuse
of children by those women at risk for such behaviors.
Some physical or emotional abuse of children also
results from battered women who are so fearful of
their spouse's reaction of childhood behavior that they
overdiscipline in an attempt to protect the children
from what they perceive to be the greater danger from
the batterer.
Even in households in which children are not
themselves physically abused or neglected, they can
be victimized by witnessing spousal abuse. Because
children do not fully understand the dynamics of
domestic violence, they may come to view power and
control, aggression and violence as the only means of
getting one's needs met. Children may also imitate the
violent adult behavior they observe by victimizing
younger siblings, peers, and animals. Other children
may adopt the victim role, becoming passive and
withdrawn in their interactions with other people. Child
witnesses of domestic violence may also display an
inability to control and express emotion, or to delay
gratification.
Only recently have helping professionals begun to
coordinate interventions in child abuse and domestic
violence. Further work is needed to develop joint
screening mechanisms to identify families in which
both types of abuse play a role in family dynamics.
Assessments must also consider whether a parent has
the capacity to care for her children outside of a
violent situation. Intervention strategies must
recognize the need for safety for victims of both
spousal abuse and child abuse through services such
as legal advocacy and shelter resources. When both
women and children are victims, treatment modalities
must not reinforce the idea that the battered spouse is
somehow to blame for the violence within the family,
e.g., by labeling her a poor parent and mandating
attendance at parenting classes. Individual or unisex
group counseling may be the more effective treatment
modality and may be less risky than joint family
counseling when the spouse is also a victim. Most
importantly, professionals working in both fields must
not lose sight of their ultimate goal -- ending violence
within families.
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