Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited

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Frequently Asked question #1 Answered by : Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.

Question:
Can the Narcissist have a meaningful life?

Answer:
We all have a scenario of our lives. We invent � then adopt, led by and measure
ourselves against � personal narratives. These are, normally, commensurate with
our personal histories, our predilections, our abilities and our skills. We are not
likely to invent a narrative, which will be wildly out of synch with our selves. We
will not judge ourselves according to a narrative, which is not somehow correlated
to what we can reasonably achieve. In other words, we are not likely to frustrate
and punish ourselves knowingly. As we progress in life � our narrative changes.
Parts of it are fulfilled and this increases our self-confidence, self worth and
self
esteem and makes us feel fulfilled, satisfied, makes us feel good and at peace with
ourselves.

The Narcissist differs from normal people in that he harbours a HIGHLY

unrealistic narrative. This could be the legacy of a primary object (a Narcissist,
domineering mother, for instance) � or it could be the product of the Narcissist's
psyche. Instead of realistic guidelines, therefore, the Narcissist has a Grandiose
Fantasy. The latter cannot be effectively pursued. It is an elusive, ever receding
target.

This constant failure (the Grandiosity Gap) leads to dysphorias and to losses
(starting with the loss of the Pathological Narcissistic Space � PNS). See :
"Malignant Self Love � Narcissism Re-Visited" for an in depth analysis of these
mechanisms. From the outside, the Narcissist is perceived to be sick, strange,
prone
to illusions and delusions, especially self-delusions and, therefore, lacking in
judgement.

The dysphorias � the bitter fruit of the grandiose fantasies � are painful and the
Narcissist learns to avoid them by living without a narrative altogether. He
"understands" (or, rather, is conditioned to understand) that his specific "brand"
of
narratives leads to sadness and agony and is a form of self-punishment (inflicted
by
the sadistic, rigid Superego). This punishment serves another purpose: to support
and confirm the judgement meted out by the Primary Object in childhood (and,
now, an inseparable part of the Narcissist's Superego). After all, Mother said that
the Narcissist was a bad, rotten, useless apple � Mother could not have been wrong
(only raising the possibility proves that she was right!) � therefore, the
Narcissist
must make sure that he indeed BECOMES bad, rotten and useless.

Yet, no human being � however deformed � can live devoid of any narrative. The
Narcissist develops circular, ad-hoc, conjunctural (circumstantial) and fantastic
narratives (the Contingent Narratives). Their role is to avoid confrontation with
(the
often disappointing and disillusioning) reality. He thus reduces the volume of the
dysphorias and their strength, though by no means can he avoid the Narcissistic
Cycle.

The Narcissist pays a heavy price for accommodating his dysfunctional narratives:

Emptiness, existential loneliness (he shares no common psychic ground with other
humans), sadness, drifting, emotional absence, emotional platitude,
mechanization/robotization (lack of anima, excess persona in Jung's terms),
meaninglessness. This fuels his envy and the resulting rage and amplifies the EIPM
(Emotional Involvement Preventive Measures).

The Narcissist develop a "Zu Leicht � Zu Schwer" ("Too Easy � Too difficult")
syndrome:

To the Narcissist, life is too difficult. The Narcissist does have achievements
which
would have been judged by anyone to be very real (not fantastic) and which could
have mitigated the perceived harshness of life. But he has to "downgrade" them as
"too easy" to achieve. The Narcissist cannot admit that he has toiled to achieve
something � this will shatter his Grandiose False Self. He must belittle every
achievement of his and make it a matter of course, nothing special, quite routine.
This is intended to support the dreamland quality of his fragmented personality.
But
it also prevents him from deriving the psychological benefits, which usually accrue
to goal attainment: an enhancement of self-confidence, a more realistic
self-assessment of one's capabilities and abilities, a strengthening sense of
self-worth.

The Narcissist is doomed to roam a circular labyrinth. When he does achieve

something � he degrades it to enhance his own sense of omnipotence. Otherwise,
he dare not face reality. He escapes to the land of no narratives where life is
nothing but a parched stretch of desert to be dispensed with as soon as possible.
The Narcissist whiles his life away.
A Philosophical Comment about Shame

Above, I postulated the existence of a "Grandiosity Gap". Plainly put, it is the

difference between self-image, how the narcissist "sees" himself and contravening
cues from reality. The more conflict between grandiosity and reality, the bigger
the
gap.

I, therefore, suggest to have two varieties of shame:

The Narcissistic Shame - which is the experience of the Grandiosity Gap (and its
affective correlate). Subjectively it is experienced as a pervasive feeling of
worthlessness (the regulation of self-worth lies at the crux of pathological
narcissism), "invisibleness" and ridiculousness. The patient feels pathetic and
foolish, deserving of mockery and humiliation.

Narcissists adopt all kinds of defences to counter narcissistic shame. They develop
addictive or impulsive behaviours. They deny, withdraw, rage, engage in the
compulsive pursuit of some kind of (unattainable, of course) perfection. They
display haughtiness and exhibitionism and so on. All these defences are employed
primitively (or are primitive, like splitting) and involve projective
identification.

The second type of shame is Self-related Shame. It is the classical rendition of a

gap between grandiosity (or Ego Ideal) and Self or Ego. This is the well known
shame and it has been treated widely in the works of Freud (1914), Reich (1960),
Jacobson (1964), Kohut (1977), Kingston (1983), Spero (1984) and Morrison
(1989).

I think a clear distinction has to be drawn between GUILT (or control) -related
Shame and Conformity-related Shame.

Guilt is an "objectively" determinable philosophical entity (given relevant

knowledge
regarding societal and cultural make up, it is context-dependent, needless to say).
It
is the derivative of an underlying assumption by OTHERS that a Moral Agent does
control certain aspects of the world. This assumed control imputes guilt to it, if
it
acts in a manner incommensurate or refrains from acting in a manner
commensurate with prevailing "morals".

So, shame here is a result of the ACTUAL occurrence of AVOIDABLE outcomes

which imputes guilt to a Moral Agent.

We must distinguish GUILT from GUILT FEELINGS, though. Guilt feelings (and
the attaching shame) can be ANTICIPATORY. A Moral Agent assumes, similarly,
that it has control over certain aspects of the world. But then, it is able to
predict
the outcomes of INTENTIONS and feel guilt and shame as a result.

Guilt Feelings are composed of a component of Fear and a component of Anxiety.

The fear is related to the external, objective, observable consequences of actions
or
inaction by the Moral Agent. The Anxiety has to do with the INNER consequences.
It is ego-dystonic and threatens the identity of the Moral Agent because being
Moral is part of its identity and important one at that. The internalization of
these
guilt feelings leads to a shame reaction.

So, shame has to do with guilty feelings, not with GUILT, per se. These guilty
feelings are a composite of reactions and anticipated reactions of others to
external
outcomes such a waste, disappointment of others, failure (the FEAR component) +
the reactions and anticipated reactions of the Moral Agent itself to internal
outcomes (helplessness=loss of presumed control, narcissistic injuries - the
ANXIETY component).

Hitherto: guilt/control - related shame.

There is a conformity-related shame. It has to do with the feeling of "otherness".

It
also involves a component of fear (of the reactions of others to one's otherness)
and of anxiety (of the reactions of one to one's own otherness).

I think the guilt-related shame is more connected to Self-related shame (perhaps

through a psychic construct akin to the Superego). On the other hand,
conformity-related shame is more typical of narcissistic shame.

Narcissists and Violence - FAQ #2!

Grandiose Fantasies - FAQ #3 !

How to Cope with a Narcissist - FAQ

#4 !

Narcissistic Parents - FAQ#5

The Spouse / Mate / Partner - FAQ#6

Miscellaneous - FAQs #7-9

Exploitation by a Narcissist -
FAQ#10

Narcissists in Positions of Authority -

FAQ#11

Getting Better - FAQ#12

Responsibility and other Matters -

FAQ#13

Is the Narcissist Ever Sorry ? -

FAQ#14

Other Personality Disorders -

FAQ#15

A Case Study - FAQ#16

Depression and the Narcissist -

FAQ#17
Homosexual Narcissists - FAQ#18

Addiction to Fame and Celebrity -

FAQ#19

A Letter about Trust - FAQ#20

The Guilt of Others - FAQ#21

The Narcissist and his Family -

FAQ#22

Self Love and Narcissism - FAQ#23

Psychological Theories - FAQ#24

The Development of the Narcissist -

FAQ#25

Narcissists, Paranoiacs and

Psychotherapists - FAQs#26-27

Deficient Narcissistic Supply -

FAQ#28

Narcissists, Sex and Fidelity -

FAQ#29

The Compulsive Acts of a Narcissist -

FAQ#30

Can a Narcissist Help himself ? -

FAQ#31

The Unstable Narcissist - FAQ#32

Do Narcissists have Emotions ? -

FAQ#33

Gender and the Narcissist - FAQ#34

Multiple Grandiosity - FAQ#35

False Modesty - FAQ#36

Narcissistic Confinement - FAQ#37

The Victims of the Narcissist -

FAQ#38

Warped Reality - FAQ#39

Narcissism - The Psychopathological

Default - FAQ#40

Narcissism and Inappropriate Affect

- FAQ#41

Narcissism By Proxy - FAQ#42

The Narcissistic Mini-Cycle -
FAQ#43

Narcissistic Allocation - FAQ#44

Narcissistic Immunity - FAQ#45

Narcissistic Branding and

Narcissistic Contagion - FAQ#46

Narcissists and Social Institutions -

FAQ#47

The Dual Role of the False Self -

FAQ#48

Narcissists and Introspection -

FAQ#49

The Stripped Ego - FAQ#50

The Split Off Ego - FAQ#51

The Serious Narcissist - FAQ#52

Narcissistic Humiliation - FAQ#53

The Dead Parent - FAQ#54

A Dream Interpreted

The Narcissist as a Sadist - FAQ#56

Crime and Punishment - FAQ#57

How to Recognize a Narcissist -

FAQ#58

The Narcissistic Pendulum - FAQ#59

The Narcissistic Couple - FAQ#60

The Extramarital Narcissist -

FAQ#61

The Mid-Life Narcissist - FAQ#62

The Reconditioned Narcissist -

FAQ#63

The Narcissist's Mother - FAQ#64

Eating Disorders and the Narcissist -

FAQ#65

The Inverted Narcissist - FAQ#66

Narcissists, Inverted Narcissists and

 Schizoids - FAQ#67

(FAQs are added periodically)

Lasch - The Cultural Narcissist

Go To Home Page !

The Narcissism List Home

Excerpts from the Narcissism List

The Family Cycle

The Iron Mask - the Common

Sources of Personality Disorders

The Manifold of Sense

Born Aliens

On Empathy

Internet: A medium or a message ?

Philosophical Musings

A Macedonian Encounter

Write to me: vaknin@terminal.cz

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