2/24/2014 7 Crippling Parenting Behaviors That Keep Children From Growing Into Leaders - Forbes

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Kathy Caprino, Contributor

I cove r care e r growth, le ade rship & wom e n’s profe ssional de ve lopm e nt
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While I spend my professional time now as a career success coach, writer, and
leadership trainer, I was a marriage and family therapist in my past, and Exclusive: T he Rags-T o-Riches T ale Of
How Jan Koum Built WhatsApp Into
worked for several years with couples, families, and children. Through that
Facebook's New $19 Billion Baby
experience, I witnessed a very wide array of both functional and dysfunctional +2 1 ,6 5 1 views

parenting behaviors. As a parent myself, I’ve learned that all the wisdom and
+ show more
love in the world doesn’t necessarily protect you from parenting in ways that
hold your children back from thriving, gaining independence and becoming
the leaders they have the potential to be.
Kathy Caprino
C ontributor
I was intrigued, then, Follow (716)
to catch up with
leadership expert Dr. I spent the first y ears of my career in corporate
Tim Elmore and America, where I worked in publishing,
marketing, market research, and membership
learn more about serv ices. Currently , I run a leadership and
how we as parents career success coaching and consulting firm
focused on the adv ancement of women. A
are failing our
trained therapist and coach, I’v e had the
children today — pleasure of working with ov er 1 0,000 emerging
+ show more
coddling and women leaders at Fortune 1 00 companies,
The author is a Forbes contributor. The opinions
crippling them — and
expres s ed are thos e of the w riter.
keeping them from
becoming leaders K A T H Y C A P R IN O ’ S P O P U L A R P O S T S
they are destined to 7 Crippling Parenting Behav iors That Keep
be. Tim is a best-selling author of more than 25 books, including Generation Children From Growing Into Leaders
5 ,5 9 9 ,1 5 4 views
iY: Our Last Chance to Save Their Future, Artificial Maturity: Helping Kids
Successful People: The 8 Self-Limiting Behav iors
Meet the Challenges of Becoming Authentic Adults, and the Habitudes®
They Av oid 2 6 1 ,7 1 0 views
series. He is Founder and President of Growing Leaders, an organization
1 0 Lessons I Learned from Sara Blakely That
dedicated to mentoring today’s young people to become the leaders of Y ou Won't Hear in Business School 2 1 6 ,0 2 4 views
tomorrow.
The 5 Biggest Mistakes Career Changers Make
2 0 5 ,5 8 7 views
Tim had this to share about the 7 damaging parenting behaviors
Why So Many "Ex perts" Are Terrible Speakers:
that keep children from becoming leaders – of their own lives and Top 5 Public Speaking Mistakes 1 6 6 ,7 3 2 views
of the world’s enterprises:
MO R E F R O M K A T H Y C A P R IN O
1. We don’t let our children experience risk

We live in a world that warns us of danger at every turn. The “safety first”

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2/24/2014 7 Crippling Parenting Behaviors That Keep Children From Growing Into Leaders - Forbes

preoccupation enforces our fear of losing our kids, so we do everything we can

to protect them. It’s our job after all, but we have insulated them from healthy
risk-taking behavior and it’s had an adverse effect. Psychologists in Europe
have discovered that if a child doesn’t play outside and is never allowed to
experience a skinned knee, they frequently have phobias as adults. Kids need
to fall a few times to learn it’s normal; teens likely need to break up with a
boyfriend or girlfriend to appreciate the emotional maturity that lasting
relationships require. If parents remove risk from children’s lives, we will
likely experience high arrogance and low self-esteem in our growing leaders.

2. We rescue too quickly

Today’s generation of young people has not developed some of the life skills
kids did 30 years ago because adults swoop in and take care of problems for
them. When we rescue too quickly and over-indulge our children with
“assistance,” we remove the need for them to navigate hardships and solve
problems on their own. It’s parenting for the short-term and it sorely misses
the point of leadership—to equip our young people to do it without help.
Sooner or later, kids get used to someone rescuing them: “If I fail or fall short,
an adult will smooth things over and remove any consequences for my
misconduct.” When in reality, this isn’t even remotely close to how the world
works, and therefore it disables our kids from becoming competent adults.

3. We rave too easily

The self-esteem movement has been around since

Baby Boomers were kids, but it took root in our
school systems in the 1980s. Attend a little league
baseball game and you’ll see that everyone is a
winner. This “everyone gets a trophy” mentality
Successful People: might make our kids feel special, but research is
The 8 Self- now indicating this method has unintended
Limiting consequences. Kids eventually observe that Mom
Behaviors They and Dad are the only ones who think they’re
Avoid awesome when no one else is saying it. They begin
Kathy Caprino to doubt the objectivity of their parents; it feels good
C ontributor
in the moment, but it’s not connected to reality.
When we rave too easily and disregard poor
behavior, children eventually learn to cheat,
exaggerate and lie and to avoid difficult reality. They
have not been conditioned to face it.

4. We let guilt get in the way of leading well

7 Ways You're Your child does not have to love you every minute.
Hurting Your Your kids will get over the disappointment, but they
Daughter's Future won’t get over the effects of being spoiled. So tell
LearnVest them “no” or “not now,” and let them fight for what
C ontributor
they really value and need. As parents, we tend to
give them what they want when rewarding our
children, especially with multiple kids. When one
does well in something, we feel it’s unfair to praise
and reward that one and not the other. This is
unrealistic and misses an opportunity to enforce the
point to our kids that success is dependent upon our
own actions and good deeds. Be careful not to teach
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2/24/2014 7 Crippling Parenting Behaviors That Keep Children From Growing Into Leaders - Forbes

them a good grade is rewarded by a trip to the mall.

If your relationship is based on material rewards,
kids will experience neither intrinsic motivation nor
unconditional love.

5. We don’t share our past mistakes

Healthy teens are going to want to spread their

wings and they’ll need to try things on their own.
Mentally Strong We as adults must let them, but that doesn’t mean
People: The 13 we can’t help them navigate these waters. Share
Things They Avoid with them the relevant mistakes you made when
you were their age in a way that helps them learn to
Cheryl Conner
C ontributor make good choices. (Avoid negative “lessons
learned” having to do with smoking, alcohol, illegal
drugs, etc.) Also, kids must prepare to encounter
slip-ups and face the consequences of their
decisions. Share how you felt when you faced a
similar experience, what drove your actions, and the
resulting lessons learned. Because we’re not the
only influence on our kids, we must be the best
The 7 Types Of influence.
People Who Never
Succeed At Work 6. We mistake intelligence, giftedness and
Molly Cain influence for maturity
C ontributor

Intelligence is often used as a measurement of a

child’s maturity, and as a result parents assume an
intelligent child is ready for the world. That’s not the case. Some professional
athletes and Hollywood starlets, for example, possess unimaginable talent,
but still get caught in a public scandal. Just because giftedness is present in
one aspect of a child’s life, don’t assume it pervades all areas. There is no
magic “age of responsibility” or a proven guide as to when a child should be
given specific freedoms, but a good rule of thumb is to observe other children
the same age as yours. If you notice that they are doing more themselves than
your child does, you may be delaying your child’s independence.

7. We don’t practice what we preach

As parents, it is our responsibility to model the life we want our children to

live. To help them lead a life of character and become dependable and
accountable for their words and actions. As the leaders of our homes, we can
start by only speaking honest words – white lies will surface and slowly erode
character. Watch yourself in the little ethical choices that others might notice,
because your kids will notice too. If you don’t cut corners, for example, they
will know it’s not acceptable for them to either. Show your kids what it means
to give selflessly and joyfully by volunteering for a service project or with a
community group. Leave people and places better than you found them, and
your kids will take note and do the same.

Why do parents engage in these behaviors (what are they afraid

of if they don’t)? Do these behaviors come from fear or from poor
understanding of what strong parenting (with good boundaries)
is?

Tim shares:

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2/24/2014 7 Crippling Parenting Behaviors That Keep Children From Growing Into Leaders - Forbes

“I think both fear and lack of understanding play a role here, but it leads with
the fact that each generation of parents is usually compensating for
something the previous generation did. The primary adults in kids’ lives today
have focused on now rather than later. It’s about their happiness today not
their readiness tomorrow. I suspect it’s a reaction. Many parents today had
Moms and Dads who were all about getting ready for tomorrow: saving
money, not spending it, and getting ready for retirement. In response, many
of us bought into the message: embrace the moment. You deserve it. Enjoy
today. And we did. For many, it resulted in credit card debt and the inability to
delay gratification. This may be the crux of our challenge. The truth is, parents
who are able to focus on tomorrow, not just today, produce better results.”

How can parents move away from these negative behaviors

(without having to hire a family therapist to help)?

Tim says: “It’s important for parents to become exceedingly self-aware of

their words and actions when interacting with their children, or with others
when their children are nearby. Care enough to train them, not merely treat
them to a good life. Coach them, more than
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coddle. “
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Here’s a start:

1. Talk over the issues you wish you would’ve known about adulthood.
2. Allow them to attempt things that stretch them and even let them fail.
3. Discuss future consequences if they fail to master certain disciplines.
4. Aid them in matching their strengths to real-world problems.
5. Furnish projects that require patience, so they learn to delay gratification.
6. Teach them that life is about choices and trade-offs; they can’t do
everything.
7. Initiate (or simulate) adult tasks like paying bills or making business deals.
8. Introduce them to potential mentors from your network.
9. Help them envision a fulfilling future, and then discuss the steps to get
there.
10. Celebrate progress they make toward autonomy and responsibility.

How are you parenting your children? Are you sacrificing their
long-term growth for short-term comfort?

(For more about developing our children’s leadership

capabilities, visit Tim Elmore and Growing Leaders at
www.growingleaders.com and follow @GrowingLeaders and
@TimElmore on Twitter.)

(To learn more about career growth and success, join my free Career
Breakthrough teleclass February 11, and visit Ellia Communications, Work
You Love, and Kathy’s book Breakdown, Breakthrough.)

Also on Forbes:

7 Ways You’re Hurting Your Daughter’s Future

Successful People: The 8 Self-Limiting Behaviors They Avoid

The Challenge Of Being Poor At America’s Richest Colleges Also On Forbes

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Comments
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The Scared Dad 1 month ago

Hi Kathy. I loved the piece, and I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind me holding onto it
and basing a blog topic from it in the future?

I just started a blog called “The Scared Dad” www.thescareddad.com, and most, if not all
of these factors you’d mentioned are things that had driven me to create a blog following
my paternal decisions of hopefully properly raising my kid.

Again, I enjoyed this post. Thanks

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Kathy Caprino, C ontributor 1 month ago Author

Thanks, Scared Dad – I’m glad to know you enjoyed the material that Tim
Elmore shared. All best with your new blog on parenting – I’ve found that we
can all learn from each other when it comes to parenting!
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+ expand comment

Mary Egunyu 1 month ago

Still learning, so even with 3 daughters in University , there are areas one always things
could have done this, done better and since one is always going to continue to interact
with their children there is room for growth , for touch-ups etc
etc thank you KATHY.
To me being a parent is a work in progress till I draw my last breath

Though glad to say I actually as a parent I ticked most boxes here.

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Kathy Caprino, C ontributor 1 month ago Author

Absolutely, Mary. Parenting is about progress, not perfection, I think. Kudos

for your being able to tick most of the boxes though!
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tboontee 1 month ago

Having raised seven children, six girls and one boy, I would find the points interesting
and to a large extent agreeable. They are all adults now and professionals in different
fields.
I believe in long term planning, and assess the pros/cons of a situation first before
making any decision for them while young. Once they reached 15 or 16, they were
encouraged to find their own ways, doing things they find interesting or self-fulfilling, and
consult me when necessary. Naturally, I would monitor their progress in study or work
constantly.
(btt1943)
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Kathy Caprino, C ontributor 1 month ago Author

Sounds like you allowed them to find their own way, and pursue their authentic
interests and passions. Wonderful!
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Reply

Robert Kelley 1 month ago

As a retired executive, I really wonder whether “leadership” is a goal you should instill in
your kids. I tried to encourage my own children to do as well as they could in any activity
they enjoyed, but I never pressed them to be “leaders.” I suppose that is partly due to my
end-career regrets at having abandoned the technical for the managerial track.
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Kathy Caprino, C ontributor 1 month ago Author

Thanks for your honest query, Robert. I see “leadership” differently from the
traditional definition and view. I believe true leadership is the ability to lead
your life in a direction that fulfills you, that brings your life meaning and
purpose, and allows you to make use of your talents and gifts in ways that
enrich yourself and the world around you. Every child and every individual has
seeds of tremendous capability and contribution, I believe. Leadership involves
influence, and doesn’t mean reaching the top, running a company or managing
others – to me, it means having the ability to give form to your Life Intentions
in satisfying, positive and productive ways. Thanks for your input.
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Kimberly Bennetta 1 month ago

I agree with you Kathy. There are many ways in life we you can be a leader that
doesn’t involve work. Something as simple as positively influencing those
around you is a leadership trait.
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Robert Kelley 1 month ago

Good points, Kathy. I suppose that I tend to look upon “leadership” rather
narrowly in a supervisory sense. I can certainly agree with your formulation as
a positive goal.
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