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born-again
VIRGINS
Women want their V-card
reissued after the fact.
WRITTEN BY MARTHA PIERCE
PHOTOGRAPHY BY NICK SELLERS

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 S
Susan Anthony isn’t your typical 30-year-old. She’s
British, but lives in Chicago; enjoys social drinking, but
won’t bar hop; and likes kissing, but not on a first date.
Oh, and she gave up sex.
LIKE A VIRGIN
Anthony was born in England and moved to the U.S.
at age 19—she knows she’s different than most women
her age. “I’ve been called the born-again virgin, or the
renewed virgin, many times, and it doesn’t really bother
me,” she says. “I don’t think of myself as a virgin.”
Anthony’s first sexual encounter was at age 16 with
her first boyfriend who was four years her senior. The
pair dated for a year and a half before breaking up. “I
went through a bit of a rebellious stage with everyone
at 16,” Anthony says. “I didn’t really like anybody at the
time, and I hung out with an older crowd. I grew up
pretty quick.”
According to Mary Jo Rapini, an intimacy, sex,
and relationship psychotherapist from Houston, an
increasing number of girls are finding themselves in
Anthony’s situation. “Teenagers are definitely becoming
more sexually active than in past years,” she says. “And
these same early teens are not mentally able to really
handle the consequences of sex in the first place. It’s a
double whammy.” People who had sex when they were
younger are realizing they weren’t prepared and have
since made the decision to go without it.
Even in a culture that bases self-worth on sex appeal,
Anthony is staying strong. She’s currently on her third—
and longest—hiatus from sexual activity. “In the past
three years, it has gotten easier to remain abstinent
because I’m growing in my own understanding of
myself,” Anthony says. “I don’t feel guilty about entering
into past sexual relationships. Sex is more like a thing
that I tried for a while.”
THE WAITING GAME
Lau r ie Lin ha r t is a n intimate relationsh ip
and socia l psycholog y ex per t and professor
at Dra ke Un iversit y in Des Moines, Iowa .
“For some women, waiting until they are married is
impractical because many people will be 30—or close to
it—when they get married,” she says. “The marriage age
is getting pushed back. For many young adults, thinking
about abstaining until they’re 30 is too difficult.”
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Anthony first thought about abstaining from sex when
a former yoga pal in Chicago suggested it shortly after
Anthony’s divorce from her husband. “I was in
a lot of grief, and on top of that, I didn’t
really get to experience an adoles-
cent childhood,” she says. Anthony
started on her path to absti-
nence and casually dated for
two years before meeting her
next boyfriend, Tony. “Four
months into our relation-
ship, one thing led to
another, and we had
sex,” Anthony says.
“We were both very
active in church,
and one weekend
we were at a church
service, and I just
broke down. I knew I
couldn’t be intimate
anymore.”
Anthony soon real-
ized her decision to remain
abstinent was too difficult for
her boyfriend. “He tried, I think,
but our relationship started to disin-
tegrate,” she says. “He started to look at me
more like a sister.”
Since the breakup, Anthony says she has continued to
casually date. However, she’s always upfront about telling
the men she dates that she won’t be having sex. “I’ve made
a commitment to myself and to my church that I will
remain abstinent,” she says. “This is something I value.”
OLD-FASHIONED VALUES
Values like Anthony’s are becoming less prevalent. Since
1945, chastity has become increasingly less important
than in past decades. In the 1980s, chastity went from
being ranked No. 10 of 18 in desirable qualities to dead last
by men and second to last by women in a study conducted
by scholars Reuben Hill, John W. Hudson, and Les
Leanne Hoyt.
Because of this lessening desire to date—or marry—a
virgin, Linhart thinks the concept of born-again virginity
is completely realistic. “I think it indicates that we as
 “I’ve made a commitment to myself and to
my church that I would remain abstinent.
This is something I value.”
women have more power over our sexuality than
in the past,” she says. “We can select renewed
virginity as a way we want to conduct
ourselves, instead of feeling like we
have to be sexually active.”
Anthony isn’t the only one
feeling this way. Rebecca*,
22, a Drake student, also
made the decision to give
up sex nearly two years
ago. “After my first time
hav ing sex w ith my
boyfriend, it just kept
happening, and I let it
happen,” she says. “I guess
I thought, ‘It’s not that big
of a deal. I’ve done it already,
so why not keep doing it?’”
Anthony felt the same way.
“I know I fell to a lot of pres-
sure when it came to sex,” she
says. “Because of my own family
issues with having an alcoholic father
and divorced parents, I had the desire
to constantly please men. I know that many
young women will develop tendencies I had. I
thought I was in love at age 16.”
Love is a common reason young women make these
decisions. “I was definitely in love with Mike before we
had sex and I felt very confused after,” says Rebecca, who
was also 16 when she first had sex. “The sex continued
almost to the end before I told him I didn’t want to do
it anymore.”
STOP IN THE NAME OF LOVE
Rebecca and Anthony’s decisions may inspire other
women to reclaim their virginity. “Girls who renew their
vows to be a virgin are empowering other women to do
the same,” Rapini says. She thinks more young women
who are finally able to say no after first having sex may
be stronger than they were before.
This renewed willpower couldn’t be truer for Anthony.
“More recently now than ever before, I have a very clear
stance on abstinence,” she says. “I know my boundaries.”
Anthony and Rebecca both know that giving up sex
comes with its share of sacrifices. Anthony, a former
—SUSAN ANTHONY
salsa and jazz dancer, doesn’t dance at nightclubs like
she used to. Rebecca also steers clear of situations that
may lead to sexual encounters.
Anthony admits, however, that if she’s going to
commit to a relationship with someone, they also have
to practice abstinence. “Men who aren’t practicing absti-
nence who I’ve dated think, ‘Maybe she’ll be different
with me,’ or they think I’ll change my mind,” she says. “If
I’m thinking about someone romantically, though, they
have to be on the same page sexually.”
Linhart says excessive sexuality pervades our
society. She says it’s hard to turn on the TV without
being exposed to subliminal sexual messages. “We’re
kind of torn; on one hand, we’re kind of afraid of sex, and
on the other hand, it’s everywhere,” Linhart says.
RENEWING THEIR VOWS
Mark Regnerus, author of “Forbidden Fruit: Sex & Reli-
gion in the Lives of American Teenagers,” explored a
two-part study that looked at youth in 2006. Individuals
who engaged in sex during the first study and then
reported renewed virginity vows during the second were
more likely to identify themselves as born-again Chris-
tians. Anthony and Rebecca are Christians and use their
faith to ground them when the decision to abstain gets
tough. Anthony also leads a faith-based group called
Solutions at Willow Creek Church in Chicago.
Disclaimer: Giving up sex doesn’t mean that
Anthony is giving men the cold shoulder. “I’m a very
touchy, nurturing person,” Anthony says. “Just because
I’m abstinent doesn’t mean I’m not affectionate. There
are many activities I don’t do now that I would love to
explore with a man that I have a strong commitment
with. I just would rather wait until I’m in a committed
relationship.”
Rebecca agrees. “I’ve been there, I’ve done that, and
I don’t anymore because I feel like there is an expec-
tation,” she says. “I’m happy I’ve given it up.” Maybe
abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.
*Last name has been removed.
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