5 Reasons Why Self-Reliance Is The Key To A Successful Life

6/23/2020 5 Reasons Why Self-Reliance Is The Key To A Successful Life
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5 Reasons Self-Reliance Is The Key To Success In Life
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5 Reasons Self-Reliance Is The Key To

Success In Life
How do you know when you are fully grown up

as an adult? Some psychologists use the term,
“fully self-actualized” to describe this
achievement. I take a different approach to the
problem. I don’t think we are ever fully
actualized, or fully grown-up. I think there is
always something more to learn about yourself
and more to learn from others. Even the act of
dying is a learning experience that you only do
once. I don’t Home

think you stop learning
About until you
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take your last breath.
You can certainly make the case that success

in life may be measured by the quality of your
relationships. They are the vehicles that carry
forward all that you believe and are imprinted
with your contagious emotions. They are the
vapor trail of your life.
Strong relationships can act as a benchmark of

the psychologically mature adult because
there are many complex tasks required to
achieve lasting relationships. You must
understand how to listen, how to achieve the
balance between care for self and others, and
how to learn and grow. You must learn to be
humble and how to heal your mistakes. You
need to appreciate the power of a role such as
a parent, grandparent or in-law and learn how
to be yourself in that role. Relationships require
many social skills and certainly can be a
measure of the person.
Love Relationships
Not all relationships are an equal test of

psychological maturity. Love relationships act
as the ultimate litmus test. Super cial
relationships based on circumstances like work
friendships or neighbors make limited
demands for shared experiences. Love
relationships like marriage or family demand
extensive shared experiences and are the most
complicated.
Love makes things complex because it is

based on the rules of attachment that the
people you rst loved, your parents, taught you
from a very early age. They are confounded by
your parent’sHome
imperfections
About and
New fears
Patientsthat Blog Contact 
were passed on to you and repeated in all your
love connections. They are the basis for high
levels of fear, shame, and guilt.
These fears don’t surface or aren’t as strong in

casual relationships. The relationship doesn’t
require the same level of emotional
investment. It’s the reason why a powerful CEO
of a company can be aggressive at work and
passive at home. Business relationships are
based on power. Marriage is based on sharing.
The rules are different. As a result, marriage
and family provide the most dif cult emotional
test to build healthy and independent
connections.
Self-reliance
But I think there is something more to the

story. Good relationships, especially love
relationships are based on something else. I
believe that something else is self-reliance.
Self-reliance is the foundation for

independence. At rst glance, independence
may seem at odds with attachment.
Independence seems more self-oriented than
other-oriented. I do not believe that is true.
Self-reliance does not mean that you dismiss
everyone else and only listen to yourself. It
means that you look for the truth in your own
position and in the beliefs of others. Self-reliant
people judge the world around them based on
a set of principles that are under continuous
review for the truth. Differences are addressed
through negotiation and compromise rather
than dismissal. They look for the larger truth
that enables them to take a piece of each
person’s position.
Self-relianceHome
is the ability
About to listen to yourself
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a crowd, especially your family. It is the
capacity to stand up for what you believe,
knowing that it may not be well received,
dismissed, or rejected outright. Fear of
disconnection or abandonment is never the
basis for attachment. You form relationships
where the investment in emotional intimacy is
mutual and emotional learning takes place.
Once you adopt this perspective, you can now

form healthy relationships. You attach to
others based on mutual values, striking a
balance between your own needs and the
needs of others. You are not dependent, co-
dependent, or excessively independent. You
form independent connections based on a
mutual search for an honest answer. Rather
than dependent relationships of obligation,
real relationships become bonds of shared
values, validation, and mutual respect.
Developing self-reliance is not an easy task.

You are born into dependency, reliant on your
parent’s for survival. You get love and affection
for following the rules. You get punished for
being disobedient. You become trained to be
dependent.
Teen years introduce new ideas and ways of

doing things. You see how the families of your
friends act. You compare the rules in your
family to the rules in other’s families. You start
to question, talk back, and do things your way.
You begin to rebel.
If you have the good fortune of being in a

healthy family, your parents try to listen and
not take your rebellion personally. They
overlook your potentially

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style and try Blog
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address the reasonable portion of your
opinions. They try not to shame you or guilt
you into surrender.
In an unhealthy family, your parents try to put

you back into place. They discount what you
have to say, and focus on your style rather than
your substance. They make you the problem
and attack your character as sel sh, weak, lazy
or stupid. They try to make you doubt yourself
and give up your stand. Worse, they confuse
you even more by justifying their dishonesty.
These unhealthy parents claim it hurts them
more than it hurts you when nothing could be
further from the truth.
Standing up to your parents forges your

independence and enables you to become
self-reliant. You develop pride in your ability to
manage life on your own. You don’t depend on
them if you can help it. You get your own job
and source of money. You make your own
decisions about career or interests. You date
whomever you want to date and live where
you want to live.
These are not sel sh choices, but choices that

you have a right to make, just as your parents
hopefully did. You are merely asserting your
right to”…life, liberty and the pursuit of
happiness.” These are natural rights that all
people share in common.
Once you give yourself the right to pursue your

goals and dreams be self-reliant, you realize
psychological rewards.
Here are the top 5 bene ts of being self-reliant

and independent:
#1: Self-knowledge
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The phrase, “Know thyself” was inscribed in the

Oracle of Delphi by the Greeks several
thousand years ago. That phrase is as true now
as it was back then. Human behavior has
always been complex, especially when it
comes to integrating thinking and feeling.
Emotion is especially tricky. You develop the
ability to suppress your emotions as a child
and continue to hide your emotions as an
adult.
The result of hiding emotion is that you truly

do not know how you feel at any given
moment, but you know how you think. You can
hear your own self-talk in your mind, including
competing thoughts that are very confusing
and distressing.
You need to identify the emotions behind the

thoughts to truly understand your reactions.
However, without knowing the feelings that
give rise to your thoughts, you can’t identify
the emotional base for your beliefs.
Identifying the emotional root cause for your

thoughts is necessary to discern what
emotions re ect the real you and which ones
reveal what you have been taught. The risk is
that you can’t tell who you are or what you
believe from the way you were raised.
Self-reliance requires that you make this

distinction. You must learn which emotions are
telling you the truth that you believe and
which emotions tell you the truth according to
others, from your parents to your teachers to
your religious and political leaders. Only you
can know your own truth and forge your own
beliefs. Insight and introspection

Home About bring self-
knowledge and enable the birth of your
independence.
Bene t #2: Standing alone
Too many relationships are held together by

fear. This happens because the rst
relationship you experienced, the parent-child
relationship is based on fear. As a child, you
learn to do what you are told to avoid the
rejection of your parents. You experience this
rejection as an emotional distance from them,
a form of emotional abandonment. You need
them so badly that any distance from them
feels threatening to your emotional well-being.
You need to stay in their good graces or risk
being on your own. This state is terrifying to a
small child. The threat of disconnection from
their parents will make most children instantly
start to cry.
Everyone is born dependent on their parents,

so we all know what the experience of
emotional rejection feels like. That fear follows
you as an adult into your relationships and
presents a challenge anytime a difference of
opinion surfaces.
Con ict brings the threat of disconnection. You

can hopefully resolve differences through
compromise or negotiation. However, the fear
of emotional distance causes many people to
automatically surrender, forging dependent
connections where imbalance reigns. The fear
of disapproval or rejection causes many to
abandon their cause. Independence is
surrendered to avoid being alone.
Self-relianceHome
is forgedAbout
anytime
Newyou choose Blog
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hold onto your position in the face of
disapproval from another. With each time you
withstand the test to the relationship, you
grow less afraid of being alone. You learn that
these tests are growing pains to claim your
independence.
One vital point of learning is that you learn to

tell the difference between being alone and
being lonely. Being alone in the service of
yourself is a good thing. You grow your
ghting spirit. Feeling lonely is never a good
thing. If it comes from feeling sad that you are
unwanted, you are experiencing separation
anxiety and need to reorganize your approach
to your own emotions.
Hopefully, the time spent alone is not forever

and is only temporary. Sometimes people need
time to resolve their emotional reactions to
situations and come around to accept your
position if given time. In some cases, the
damage to the relationship is not repairable,
and permanent distance is the result. Coping
with either outcome without surrender gives
you the ability to be alone without being
lonely.
Bene t #3: Increased con dence
Con dence is created through success. I am

not talking about success in the usual manner.
I am not talking about success through
achievement. I am talking about success in
coping with your own emotions, especially the
core fear of separation. Each time you stand up
for yourself and risk rejection, your ability to be
independent grows. The history of self-reliance
grows your con dence and belief in yourself.
The greatestHome
challenge to self-reliance
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con dence comes from your family. Every
family is some good and some bad. In healthy
families, the bad is admitted. In unhealthy
families, one or more people are targeted as
the cause of the problem. Problems are
denied, leaving the family members who are
the messengers to be isolated and ganged up
on.
Family denial presents the strongest test of

your independence and self-reliance. On some
unfortunate occasions, you need to stand up
for what you believe in regardless of the
potential for rejection and family ridicule. This
con ict with the family creates the greatest
challenge to independence and con dence.
Face the challenge and your con dence grows.
Avoid the challenge and you swallow emotions
that poison your self-worth.
Bene t #4: Strong, independent relationships
Self-reliant individuals build strong bonds with

others. In those kinds of relationships, each
person openly shares their opinions and values.
They come together to share mutual values
and honest emotions. They attach through
shared ideals and connect through strengths.
That is the easy part and creates the

honeymoon period of a relationship. The next
part is the harder part. In a strong relationship,
you must also connect through weaknesses.
Weaknesses emerge when a person says one
thing and does another. When words do not
match actions, some emotional dishonesty has
occurred. Some con ict inevitably emerges
from this situation. One or both of the partners
are disappointed. They must determine where
the emotional dishonesty

Home About originated and take
responsibility to x the problem. Once
identi ed, they must now heal the situation
through contrition and reparation.
Contrition is the act of sorrow, an apology for

one’s actions. There are sadness and humility
present. There are no excuses made (“It wasn’t
my fault”) or explained away (“I didn’t mean it”).
The sadness is obvious. This is different than
the hollow apology like “I’m sorry you feel that
way” or “You are entitled to your perception”.
The offended person is expected to be angry
and not required to stop being mad (“Give me
a break. I said I was sorry”).
Reparation is the process of restoring trust in

the relationship. The person recognizes that
they must rebuild trust. It begins by stating the
work the person must do to understand better
their own actions, and admits to the emotional
root cause of their actions. Hope for a different
future is restored by the awareness and
admission of emotions that were previously
denied.
Bene t #5: Leadership
Self-reliance creates the capacity to lead

others. Leaders are alone at the top. They must
be comfortable with that position and not feel
lonely because they are left alone. They must
have a clear vision for what they want to do
and convince others to adopt their view of the
problem. They must have expertise in
addressing the resistance of others to their
ideas without alienating the dissenters. They
must know when to be angry, when to be
humble, and when to withdraw.
Leaders cannot
Hometake About
con ict personally.
New Patients They
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must be able to understand that groups
naturally test the leader, and they are not
being personally attacked. They must be able
to focus on the content and ignore the style.
Self-reliance comes from self-knowledge. To

handle all the tasks of the leader, you must be
able to read your own emotions and admit
your own personal insecurities. It’s easy to
know your strengths. It’s even harder to admit
your weaknesses, especially in front of a group.
Acceptance of the limits those weaknesses
bring you is important to know and manage as
a leader. It opens the door to need others to
help you, and to accept their help without
feeling diminished.
In summary…
Learning to be independent is one of the keys

to developing strong relationships and one key
to a successful life. If you can measure success
by the quality of your relationships, being self-
reliant is vital to creating independent
connections. Self-reliance enables emotional
honesty, a cornerstone of loving relationships
where shared experience is required.
Self-reliance has many other psychological

bene ts. A self-reliant individual knows the
difference between who they are and how they
were raised, and how to recognize their natural
emotions. They can use this knowledge to
stand up for themselves in a crowd and
develop self-con dence. They become more
independent and able to assume the
responsibilities of leadership.
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6/23/2020 5 Reasons Why Self-Reliance Is The Key To A Successful Life

5 Reasons Self-Reliance Is The Key To Success In Life

 Previous Next  Search ... 

Home About New Patients Blog Contact  Managing

5 Reasons Self-Reliance Is The Key To

How do you know when you are fully grown up

once. I don’t Home

You can certainly make the case that success

Strong relationships can act as a benchmark of

Not all relationships are an equal test of

Love makes things complex because it is

These fears don’t surface or aren’t as strong in

But I think there is something more to the

Self-reliance is the foundation for

Once you adopt this perspective, you can now

Developing self-reliance is not an easy task.

Teen years introduce new ideas and ways of

If you have the good fortune of being in a

overlook your potentially

In an unhealthy family, your parents try to put

Standing up to your parents forges your

These are not sel sh choices, but choices that

Once you give yourself the right to pursue your

Here are the top 5 bene ts of being self-reliant

The phrase, “Know thyself” was inscribed in the

The result of hiding emotion is that you truly

You need to identify the emotions behind the

Identifying the emotional root cause for your

Self-reliance requires that you make this

beliefs. Insight and introspection

Bene t #2: Standing alone

Too many relationships are held together by

Everyone is born dependent on their parents,

Con ict brings the threat of disconnection. You

One vital point of learning is that you learn to

Hopefully, the time spent alone is not forever

Bene t #3: Increased con dence

Con dence is created through success. I am

Family denial presents the strongest test of

Bene t #4: Strong, independent relationships

Self-reliant individuals build strong bonds with

That is the easy part and creates the

the emotional dishonesty

Contrition is the act of sorrow, an apology for

Reparation is the process of restoring trust in

Bene t #5: Leadership

Self-reliance creates the capacity to lead

Self-reliance comes from self-knowledge. To

Learning to be independent is one of the keys

Self-reliance has many other psychological

Becoming Self Reliant, Blog

Home About New Patients Blog Contact 

Share This Story,     

MAILING ADDRESS TELEPHONE RECENT ARTICLES

Dr. Stephen Van 215-504-2155  Why You Do What

Copyright 2018 Dr. Stephen R. Van Schoyck - Privacy Policy

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