(Simon, Neil Hamlisch, Marvin Zippel, David) Goodbye Girl, The (The Musical)

A New Musical
Book by Music by Lyrics by
Neil Simon Marvin Hamlisch David Zippel

Cast
Lucy, the twelve-year-old daughter of
Paula McFadden, a pretty ex-dancer in her mid-30’s
Billy, a dance director
Donna, a dancer
Jenna, another dancer
Cynthia, a girlfriend of Lucy
Melanie, a girlfriend of Lucy
Mrs. Crosby, a large black woman, Manager/Super of the house
Elliott Garfield, an actor
Mark, a director
Stage Manager
First Man at Theatre
Woman at Theatre
Second Man at Theatre
Cast of Richard III
Audience at Richard III
Mark’s Mother
TV Stage Manager
Ricky Simpson Announcer
Ricky Simpson, a TV exercise show host
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Synopsis of Scenes
Act I
• Scene 1: Paula’s Apartment

o “This Is as Good as It Gets” Paula & Lucy
o “No More” Paula
• Scene 2: A Dance Studio
o “A Beat Behind” Paula, Billy & Ensemble
• Scene 3: In Front of Paula’s Building
o “This Is as Good as It Gets” (reprise) Lucy, Melanie & Cynthia
o “My Rules” Elliot & Paula
o “Good News, Bad News” Elliot, Paula & Lucy
o “Good News, Bad News” (reprise) Mrs. Crosby
• Scene 6: An Off Off-Broadway Theatre
• Scene 7: Central Park
o “Footsteps” Paula & Lucy
o “How Can I Win?” Paula
• Scene 9: An Off Off-Broadway Theatre
o “Richard Interred” Elliot, Paula, Lucy, Mark,
Mrs. Crosby, Donna and Ensemble
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Act II

o “How Can I Win?” (reprise) Paula
o “Good News, Bad News” (reprise) Elliot
• Scene 3: The Ricky Simpson Show
o “Too Good to Be Bad” Paula, Donna & Jenna
o “2 Good 2 B Bad” Mrs. Crosby
o “Who Would’ve Thought?” Paula, Elliot, Lucy, Melanie & Cynthia
• Scene 6: The Rooftop of Paula’s Building
o “Paula (An Improvised Love Song)” Elliot & Paula
• Scene 8: A Schoolyard
o “Who Would’ve Thought?” (reprise) Lucy, Melanie & Cynthia
• Scene 9: The Lake in Central Park
o “I Can Play This Part” Elliot
• Scene 10: A TV Studio
o “Jump for Joy” Paula & Ensemble
o “What a Guy” Paula
• Scene 12: In Front of Paula’s Building
o “Finale” Paula, Elliot & Lucy
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Act I
Scene 1
PAULA MCFADDEN’S APARTMENT on the second floor of a brownstone on New York City’s
Upper West Side. It has two small bedrooms separated by a living room, a kitchen
and a bathroom. We can also see the hallway and stairs just outside the apartment.
LUCY MCFADDEN, twelve years old, comes up the hallway stairs followed by HER
mother, PAULA MCFADDEN, a pretty ex-dancer in her mid-thirties. Both are laden with
shopping bags.
LUCY. — Can you swim in California in the wintertime?
PAULA. — I don’t know. I was only there for twelve weeks touring in A Chorus Line.
LUCY. — You’re really excited about this move, aren’t you, Mom?
PAULA. — Sure I’m excited. It’ll be great for Tony’s career. And great weather for us.
LUCY. — A girl in our class moved to California and now she’s best friends with Goldie
Hawn’s daughter.
PAULA. — Well, after Tony becomes a star, they’ll say, “There goes Tony DeForrest’s
daughter.”
LUCY. — Except he’s not really my father.
PAULA. — Not yet. But that’s the plan once we get to L.A. It’s all starting to happen.
LUCY. — Wow!
# – As Good as It Gets
LUCY
SO I GUESS IT’S HELLO TO THE DODGERS
GOODBYE TO THE METS
PAULA
I THOUGHT LIFE WAS TERRIFIC
BUT THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS
BOTH
AS GOOD AS IT GETS
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THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS
PAULA
ALL YOUR FRIENDS WILL BE JEALOUS
WHEN YOU’RE IN L.A.
LUCY
I’LL BE IN THE SAME TOWN
AS TOM CRUISE
PAULA
IT’S THE BIG ENCHILADA
BOTH
WHERE EV’RYONE LIVES LIKE A STAR
LUCY
WHEN I GET TO THE COAST, BABE,
I’LL GIVE YOU A CALL FROM MY CAR
PAULA
‘NEATH A COCO PALM
YOU’LL SPEND THE WINTER POOLSIDE
LUCY
WE ANGELINOS
LIVE LIFE ON THE COOL SIDE
(PAULA slaps LUCY “five”.)
PAULA & LUCY. — (Spoken.) Yeah!
LUCY. — (Spoken.) I love my Yukkla shirt.
PAULA. — (Spoken.) It’s not Yukkla. It’s UCLA.
LUCY. — Will Tony take me to a studio?
PAULA. — Sure. And at Universal you can see them blow up the world.
PAULA & LUCY

I THOUGHT LIFE WAS TERRIFIC
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BUT THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS
WE DESERVE SOME SUNSHINE AND LAUGHTER
DON’T YOU THINK BY NOW WE’RE OVERDUE
PAULA
FROM NOW ON IT’S HAPPY EVER AFTER
TONY, ME AND YOU
PAULA & LUCY

IT’S SO HARD TO BELIEVE
THAT RIGHT OUT OF THE BLUE
ALL OF OUR DREAMS
WILL COME TRUE
WE’LL GO WEST RIDING OFF
IN THE SUNSET
THREE SILHOUETTES
LUCY
YOU’VE HAD SEV’RAL NEAR MISSES
PAULA
BUT THIS IS AS GOOD
LUCY
HE’S A BIT LIKE NARCISSUS
PAULA
BUT THIS IS AS GOOD
PAULA & LUCY

I THOUGHT I KNEW WHAT BLISS IS
BUT THIS IS
AS GOOD AS IT GETS
AS GOOD AS IT GETS
AS GOOD AS IT GETS
AS GOOD AS IT GETS
AS GOOD AS IT GETS …
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PAULA. — (Picks up a letter from kitchen counter and reads it.) Oh, my God!
(PAULA is stifling tears.)
LUCY. — What’s wrong?
PAULA. — He’s gone. He left without us.
LUCY. — For California?
PAULA. — For Spain.
LUCY. — Huh?
(PAULA sits there devastated. The letter hangs limply in her hand.)
Can I read it?
(PAULA hands her the letter. LUCY sits and reads aloud.)
“Dear Paula … this isn’t an easy letter to write …”
(To PAULA.)
Doesn’t start off too good.
(PAULA nods. SHE reads again.)
“This morning my agent called. I got a picture. It’s six months shooting in Spain. It’s a
hell of a part, Paula, and I need it. I broke my ass – “
PAULA. — Never mind. Give that to me.
LUCY. — Ass! I heard the word.
(Back to letter.)
“I broke my ass for twelve years in this town and things are finally breaking for me. I
told you when you first moved in it might not be permanent. I left early today
because I didn’t think a goodbye scene would do any of us any good. I wish I had
something to leave you and the kid but I’m dead broke.”
(To PAULA.)
He didn’t leave us anything?
PAULA. — Not even the four hundred dollars he owed me.
LUCY. — This story’s going to be on “Sixty Minutes.”
(Reads again.)
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“But I know you’ll be alright. You can always go back to dancing.”
PAULA. — Dancing? I’m thirty-five. I can hardly walk anymore.
LUCY. — (Reads on.) “You deserve more than I can ever give you, Paula. Goodbye,
honey. Sorry it didn’t work out. Tony.”
(To PAULA.)
Does this mean we’re not going to California?
PAULA. — (Near tears.) I’m so sorry, Lucy.
LUCY. — Grandma says everything works out for the best … but she’s wrong so often.
(SHE goes into her room.)
PAULA. — (To HERSELF, as SHE puts things back in bags.) Paula, if you haven’t learned your
lesson by now, you never will. There’s only one thing an actor wants in this life. A
good exit line …
# – No More
PAULA
MY BUILT-IN FEMALE RADAR ONLY ZEROES
IN ON ZEROES I’M LIKE THE ACTORS’ FUND SUPPORTING WANNABE DENIROS
NO MORE RACING TOWARD A HEARTACHE
SEEKING DISAPPOINTMENT
CHASING AFTER DREAMS
I’VE TRUSTED MORE THAN ENOUGH TO LAST ME TILL I DIE
LOVE’S AS UNRELIABLE AS IT SEEMS
NO MORE
LIVING FOR A LOVER
CRAVING HIS APPROVAL
GIVING TO EXTREMES
I’M THROUGH COLLECTING BROKEN PROMISES
I’VE HEARD THEM ALL BEFORE
I KNOW MORE NOW
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IN MY EXPERIENCE WITH MEN I’VE SPENT A LIFETIME PROVING
YOU KNOW A MAN IS LYING WHEN YOU SEE HIS LIPS START MOVING
MY WOMEN’S INTUITION OUGHT TO BE RECALLED OR OVERHAULED
MOST MEN HAVE BACKBONES LIKE A STRAND OF OVERCOOKED LINGUINI
JUST SAY COMMITMENT AND THEY INSTANTLY BECOME HOUDINI
WHEN I LOOK BACK UPON THE MEN I’VE LOVED
I’M THOROUGHLY APPALLED
I’M GONNA BUILD A WALL AROUND MY HEART
A TOW’RING FORTRESS MADE OF SOLID ROCK
ELECTRIC FENCES ALL AROUND MY HEART
THE NEXT GUY WHO HITS ON ME
IS IN FOR A SHOCK
I KNOW TO LET GO NOW
AND SO I SOLEMNLY PROMISE
NO MORE
SEEKING DISAPPOINTMENT
CHASING AFTER DREAMS
(LUCY comes out of HER bedroom, joins PAULA.)
WITH JUST THE TWO OF US NOW WE’RE BETTER OFF BY FAR
YOU AND I ARE ONE OF THE GREATEST TEAMS
NO MORE LIVING FOR A LOVER
CRAVING HIS APPROVAL
GIVING TO EXTREMES
THEY SAY THAT HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF
I’LL BID MY PAST GOODBYE
NO MORE
NO MORE
I KNOW MORE NOW.
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Scene 2
A Dance Studio
Male and female DANCERS being put through their paces by a tough DANCE DIRECTOR,
really a warm-up class. The instructor is BILLY.
BILLY. — Bend bend, three, four. Back down, seven, eight …
(PAULA runs in, late, and joins the class.)
I see you, Paula. You can’t hide from me … Touch toes, three, four. My God, Paula,
what have you done to your body?
PAULA. — It died. Have a little respect.
BILLY. — Flick, flick, flick, turn. And … Beat, beat, beat, kick, kick. Passe down. Pulse,
pulse, pulse, pulse. Pas de bourre … And down.
(The Class all drop into perfect splits. PAULA looks, hesitates, then drops into a not-so-perfect split.)
Alright, take a break.
(THEY ALL stop. SHE scowls at BILLY. Another dancer, DONNA DOUGLAS, crawls over to PAULA.)
DONNA. — Paula? … Hi. It’s Donna.
(PAULA looks at her with a glazed expression.)
Donna Douglas. I used to live with Bobby.
PAULA. — Bobby who?
DONNA. — Bobby Kulik. The guy you lived with before Tony.
PAULA. — Oh, right. So how are you and Bobby?
DONNA. — I left him.
PAULA. — How come?
DONNA. — He moved in with another girl.
PAULA. — You did the right thing.
BILLY. — Okay, rise from the dead, people. We’re all replaceable.
(THEY ALL get up. The music starts.)
PAULA. — I love this guy. RoboDancer!
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# – A Beat Behind
INSTRUCTOR
(1, 2, 3, 4, lift those legs up)
HIGHER IT’S TIME TO PERSPIRE
I WANNA KNOW WHERE YOUR FIRE IS
HARDER; NOW SHOW ME SOME ARDOR
BEFORE YOU RETIRE FROM THE BIZ
PAULA
THIRTY-FIVE
AND I CAN’T
GO THE DISTANCE
I’M A BEAT BEHIND
HALF ALIVE
SEEMS MY WHOLE DAMNED
EXISTENCE
IS A BEAT BEHIND
I’M GONE TO SEED
AND IN NEED
OF CONDEMNING
I’VE GOT
THE DRIVE
TO SURVIVE
OF A LEMMING
TIME MADE ME OBSOLETE
AND A BEAT BEHIND
INSTRUCTOR
PUSH IT CLASS
‘CAUSE IT GETS
TOUGHER
PAULA, YOU’RE A BEAT BEHIND
ARMS APART.
FOR YOUR ART, SUFFER
PAULA, MOVE YOUR SWEET BEHIND
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STOP LOOKING GLUM
OVERCOME BY INERTIA
SOME SEASON SOON
TOMMY TUNE
MAY REHEARSE YA
HE’LL KEEP YOU ON YOUR FEET
TILL YOU LOSE YOUR MIND
YOU’RE A BEAT BEHIND
CLASS
PAULA, WHAT HAPPENED TO PAULA
SO SAD TO SEE PAULA FALL APART
PAULA
OUT OF BREATH
OUT OF SHAPE
AND EXACTLY
AS I THOUGHT, BEHIND
LOOK AT HER
WITH THE LUNGS
OF MADONNA
AND A TAUT BEHIND
SOMEBODY
GET ME AN ANTI-
DEPRESSANT
SHE’S AT THE MOST
MAYBE POST-
ADOLESCENT
TIME CAN BE SO UNKIND
I’M A BEAT BEHIND
THIS IS SO PERVERSE
BETTER CALL A NURSE
BETTER YET A HEARSE
(Dance break. During the dance break, PAULA is lifted over the heads of the MALE DANCERS.)
My fillings!
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EVERYONE
WE THOUGHT SHE’D BOUNCE RIGHT BACK
A JOB WOULD FALL IN PLACE
PAULA
BUT WHAT IS SO APPALLING IS
I’M FALLING ON MY FACE
SOME ONE
WAKE ME
I AM IN A
NIGHTMARE
I’VE GOT
NO STAMINA
CLASS
SWEAT TILL YOU’RE SLEEK AT THE PEAK OF CONDITION
THEY’RE DOING SHOWS NOW WITH NO INTERMISSION
EVERYONE PAULA
STEP IT UP SOME ONE
PLAY THE PART WAKE ME
SHOW YOUR STUFF I AM IN A
AND LET YOUR NIGHTMARE
HEART RATE CLIMB I’VE GOT
POUR IT ON NO STAMINA
LET ‘EM KNOW THAT
YOUR BODY’S WORKIN’
O-VER TIME
NO TIME TO REST TIME TO TEST YOUR ENDURANCE
PAULA
LAYED-UP, IN PAIN, BUT NO HEALTH INSURANCE
EVERYONE
DANCE LIKE ASTAIRE, WITH UN-ERRING PRECISION
BRAIN CELLS EMPLOYED TO AVOID A COLLISION
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PAULA
I’VE GOT A FLAT; RENT CONTROLLED, AND A DAUGHTER
I’D TRADE ‘EM BOTH FOR A TEASPOON OF WATER
EVERYONE
BACK TO THE BROADWAY GRIND
YOU’RE A BEAT BE-HIND
A BEAT BE-HIND
A BEAT BE-HIND
PAULA
HIND.
EVERYONE
HIND.
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Scene 3
The Front of Paula’s Building.
LUCY, CYNTHIA and MELANIE are sitting on the front steps, with their schoolbooks. THEY
sing:
ALL THREE
LOOKS LIKE THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS FOR THIS GROUP
WE’RE STILL SITTIN’ HERE FREEZING OUR BUTTS ON THIS STOOP.
(PAULA comes on limping from class, carrying her dance bag and a bag of groceries.)
PAULA. — Hi, girls.
CYNTHIA & MELANIE. — Hi, Mrs. McFadden.
PAULA. — I guess you heard we’re not going to California.
MELANIE. — Yeah. Lucy told us.
CYNTHIA. — That was the worst letter we ever read.
PAULA. — Lucy!!!
(LUCY turns and runs into the house. The GIRLS make a quick apology and run off.
MRS. CROSBY, a large black woman, the Manager/Super of the house, comes out with some large
plastic garbage bags and puts them in the cans. As PAULA starts up the stairs:)
MRS. CROSBY. — You leavin’ tonight or in the mornin’?
PAULA. — I’m sorry. What was that, Mrs. Crosby?
MRS. CROSBY. — Just checkin’ on what time you’re vacatin’.
PAULA. — Oh. We’re not going to California. I forgot to tell you.
MRS. CROSBY. — Well, I ain’t the only one you forgot to tell. That apartment’s been
sublet.
PAULA. — What are you talking about? We’re paid up through June. We’ve got four
more months. You can’t sublet that apartment.
MRS. CROSBY. — Not me, honey. Your man can. Your man signed the lease so he can
sublet what he wants.
PAULA. — He is not my man!
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MRS. CROSBY. — Well, if he sublet me, he wouldn’t be my man either. You just be sure
you leave things the way you found ‘em. Don’t be sneakin’ out any refrigerators at
two a.m.
PAULA. — I’m not leaving it! It’s the middle of winter. I’ve got a little girl. How could he
do that? That bastard! That no good bastard! Excuse my language!
(SHE goes into the brownstone.)
MRS. CROSBY. — You din’t say anything that ain’t written on the walls, honey.
(As SHE goes.)
I could’ve told her that man was a goodbye girl man. Hmm. Hm.
(We hear a clap of thunder.
ELLIOT appears as the set begins to dissolve into PAULA’S apartment. HE looks around at the city.)
ELLIOT. — New York!
(HE looks around again.)
Well, maybe they’ll fix it.
(HE exits.
Another clap of thunder.)
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Scene 4
Paula’s Apartment.
Night. LUCY is having a nightmare as the apartment appears around HER.
We see lightning and hear thunder.
LUCY
(Sings.)
NO MORE SWIMMING IN DECEMBER
WHAT A ROTTEN LETTER
NO MORE TEMPORARY FATHERS
NO MORE NO MORE
(Runs into PAULA’S bedroom, calls out.)
Mom? Mom?
PAULA. — (From offstage, in the bathroom.) What is it honey?
LUCY. — Can I sleep with you?
PAULA. — What’s wrong, baby.
LUCY. — I just had a nightmare.
PAULA. — Oh, I’m sorry, babe. What was the nightmare?
LUCY. — Everything that happened this week.
PAULA. — (Enters, wearing a robe and pajamas.) Well, don’t you worry. Momma’s gonna
take care of everything.
LUCY. — She is? Then call her?
PAULA. — Not my mother! Me! Me! Trust me!
(SHE gets in bed, turns out the lights. We see ELLIOT GARFIELD outside in the hall. He puts down his bags,
takes out his keys. He opens the door, the security chain is on. HE reaches in and tries to release the
chain. MRS. CROSBY comes up towards ELLIOT with a baseball bat in her hands.)
MRS. CROSBY. — Don’t think I don’t know how to use this. What you want?
ELLIOT. — To get inside. I have a key.
MRS. CROSBY. — You the new sub-bet tee?
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ELLIOT. — Yes, I am.
MRS. CROSBY. — Did the sub-letter tell you that he left a sub-live-in still in there?
ELLIOT. — What do you mean?
MRS. CROSBY. — Ring the bell, you’ll find out … This is gonna be interestin’ … Ugly, but
interestin’.
(SHE chuckles and goes. ELLIOT rings the bell.)
LUCY. — (To PAULA.) Who’s that?
PAULA. — I don’t know.
LUCY. — Maybe it’s Tony. Maybe he changed his mind and came back.
PAULA. — You’re so young.
(The doorbell rings again. PAULA gets out of bed, puts on her robe as SHE crosses to door.)
Stay there.
(ELLIOT tries looking through the tiny peephole in the door, with no luck. PAULA doesn’t open the door.)
PAULA. — Who is it?
ELLIOT. — Er, Elliot Garfield.
PAULA. — Who?
ELLIOT. — Elliot Garfield. From Chicago. Is Tony in?
PAULA. — There’s no Tony here.
ELLIOT. — There isn’t? Tony DeForrest? Are you sure?
PAULA. — You want me to have him paged? Grrr, Woof, Grrr, Woof. Down King!
(Turns back and calls into other room.)
It’s nothing, honey. A guy looking for a Tony somebody.
(To the door.)
You just woke my dog and husband up. .
ELLIOT. — I’m sorry.
(Looks at paper in his hand.)
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It’s 3A. I got the right apartment. I was here once about two years ago … Could you
open the door a second?
PAULA. — Not at five after twelve I can’t.
ELLIOT. — Look, you’ve got a dog and a husband. I’m not dangerous. I just want to
talk to you.
PAULA. — About what?
ELLIOT. — About where I’m going to sleep tonight.
PAULA. — What are you, a Jehovah’s Witness?
ELLIOT. — No, but I look like one … Keep the latch on and see for yourself.
(PAULA opens the latch and looks at HIM.)
PAULA. — Make it fast. I can’t keep my dog chewing that bone forever.
ELLIOT. — There’s gotta be some mistake. I just sublet this apartment from a friend of
mine, Tony DeForrest. Look, I have a receipt here. I sent him a check for four months
rent.
(HE puts check and his arm through the door.)
PAULA. — (Quickly.) NO, KING!!
(To ELLIOT.)
Don’t make sudden moves like that.
ELLIOT. — I’m sorry. What kind of a dog is he?
PAULA. — A Hound … of the Baskervilles.
ELLIOT. — I see … Well, I was supposed to move in tomorrow but I start work in the
morning and I thought I’d get a good night’s sleep first … You look a little confused.
Can I speak to your husband?
PAULA. — He’ll be at the 12th Precinct in the morning. Charlie D’Agostino. Homicide.
Goodnight.
(SHE slams the door shut.)
ELLIOT. — You didn’t even look at the lease. I’m going to make a few calls and find
out what’s going on here. I’ll be back.
(SHE growls loudly, like King.)
Did you ever try feeding him dog food. It might improve his personality.
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(HE picks up his bags.)
… You might try a bowl of it yourself.
(HE goes.)
LUCY. — Who was it?
PAULA. — Never mind.
LUCY. — It didn’t sound like never mind to me.
PAULA. — Tony rented the apartment to someone. But I’m not giving it up. It’s ours.
Go to sleep.
LUCY. — He rented the apartment. What a shitheel!
(Lights up on telephone on the street. ELLIOT is dialing.)
ELLIOT. — Just my luck the dog will answer.
(The phone rings in the apartment. PAULA picks it up.)
PAULA. — Hello.
ELLIOT. — Mrs. D’Agostino? I just called Rita Scott, an old actress friend of mine who
was in “Othello” in the Park, this year, with the ever popular Tony DeForrest, who told
me about this girl Tony’s been living with, a certain Paula McFadden, a former
dancer and her twelve-year-old daughter, Lucy. Rita further told me the apartment
in question is leased in the name of Tony DeForrest. Now, I don’t know what Tony
told you, but he’s got my money, I’ve got a lease and you’ve got my apartment.
Now, one of us got screwed … let me rephrase that … Now, either we talk this out
face to face, or I call the Twelfth Precinct, which I just did and they never heard of
Charlie D’Agostino … Now, do I get ten minutes or not?
PAULA. — I’ll give you five.
ELLIOT. — I’ll take ‘em.
(THEY BOTH hang up. HE picks up HIS bags.)
Faked her out on the Twelfth Precinct call. I knew there was no husband.
(Looks around.)
Now, if I can just find a toy for the dog.
(HE goes. PAULA gets out of bed and puts on HER robe.)
LUCY. — We’re in trouble, right?
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PAULA. — Wrong. We have our rights. Possession is nine-tenths of the law.
LUCY. — What’s the other tenth?
PAULA. — Shut up.
(The DOORBELL rings. PAULA crosses. ELLIOT is at the door. SHE opens it.)
PAULA. — Five minutes and counting down.
(Walks in, looks around.)
ELLIOT. — Where’s King?
PAULA. — King?
ELLIOT. — Your big dog.
PAULA. — He just took himself out for a walk.
ELLIOT. — Look, I don’t blame you for being hostile. I get the picture. Tony rents me
the apartment, splits with the money and you and your daughter get dumped on,
right?
PAULA. — Wrong. Tony and I amicably ended our relationship. We agreed I would
keep the apartment and you and your four months rent get dumped on.
ELLIOT. — (Smiles, nods.) Quick. Very quick. Very sharp. A sharp New York girl, right?
PAULA. — No. A dull Cincinnati kid. But you get dumped on enough, you start to
develop an edge.
ELLIOT. — Okay, so what’s the deal? I have a lease in my pocket. You gonna honor it
or not?
PAULA. — I’ve got a daughter in my bed. That tops a lease in your pocket.
ELLIOT. — Look, I don’t want to get legal. Legal is on my side. I know the law inside
out.
PAULA. — Oh? You went to Harvard?
ELLIOT. — No. I was in “Witness for the Prosecution” and “Inherit the Wind”.
PAULA. — Oh, Jesus! An actor. Another God damn actor. “Clarence Darrow” in
summer stock, right?
ELLIOT. — Wrong. Two years with the Chicago Repertory Group. I starred in “The
Elephant Man” and “Rhinoceros”.
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PAULA. — What do you specialize in animal parts?
ELLIOT. — Right. I also did “Cat on A Hot Tin Roof” … What’s your problem?
PAULA. — You are. You’ve got three more minutes.
ELLIOT. — You said five.
PAULA. — You blew two minutes on your resume. Look, you want your money back,
go to Barcelona. You want this apartment, buy me two tickets to California. I’ll give
you thirty seconds to think it over before I yell “Rape.”
ELLIOT. — Jeez, you are something. I don’t know why you lock your door. No mugger
would touch this place … Alright, you have no money but you have my apartment.
I’ve got an Off-Broadway job starring in Richard the Third but no place to sleep. Also
you’ve got a daughter to think of.
PAULA. — I’m thinking of her now.
ELLIOT. — Do me the courtesy of hearing me out. You’re not the only one who can
yell “Rape,” you know … Okay, we’re in a bind. And I think the only solution is to
share the apartment.
PAULA. — I accept.
ELLIOT. — (Surprised.) What?
PAULA. — I accept. I may be stubborn, but I’m not stupid. I have a daughter who
goes to school and I have to start looking for a job. You’ll be working nights. If God
is merciful, we’ll never bump into each other. Get your bags. You get the small
bedroom.
(SHE crosses into LUCY’S small bedroom as HE crosses to get his bags.)
ELLIOT. — (To himself.) What the hell am I getting myself into here?
(ELLIOT picks up bags, looks around.)
What kind of an apartment is this? It looks like a Merry-Go-Round.
(ELLIOT crosses with his bags and guitar but crosses into the big bedroom. HE sees LUCY in bed.)
Oh, hi. I’m Elliot. You must be Lucy. I’m going to be living in the other room. I’m an
actor. The nice kind. Your mother knows. I guess we’ll never be seeing each other
again, so according to your Mom’s schedule, I guess this is goodbye. Goodbye!
(HE smiles and leaves. LUCY looks up.)
LUCY. — Jeeez!
(ELLIOT crosses out of LUCY’S room.)
Página 23 de 97
ELLIOT. — (Aloud.) Where are you? I don’t have a map.
PAULA. — In here.
ELLIOT. — I just met Lucy. I think I made a nice impression on her.
PAULA. — Yeah? She likes junk food too … The john is in there. I’ll get the rest of her
things in the morning. Out of my way, please.
(SHE crosses in hallway.)
ELLIOT. — Hey, listen. You think you could stop grinding your teeth for two minutes?
The noise is driving me crazy.
Paula: Who invited you?
ELLIOT. — You know you’re dynamite. I love listening to you talk. I hate living with you
but the conversation is first class.
PAULA. — Well, the first class today is rules of the apartment. You want to hear them?
ELLIOT. — Do I have a choice?
# – Elliot Garfield Grant
PAULA
YOU PAY FOR PHONE CALLS, LAUNDRY, LINEN AND UTILITIES
I DON’T MAKE BEDS OR CLEAN I’M NOT YOUR CHAMBERMAID
YOU’LL USE THE KITCHEN AND THE POWDER ROOM FACILITIES
WHEN I’M NOT IN THEM AND WHEN ALL YOUR BILLS ARE PAID
I WANT NO DRINKING, DRUGGING, SMOKING ON THE PREMISES
SPARE US YOUR VULGAR, LOUD OFF-BROADWAY CAVALCADE
DISTURB MY DAUGHTER AND YOU’LL FIND NO GREATER NEMESIS
AND STICK TO LANGUAGE OUT OF DISNEY ON PARADE
MY RULES ARE CLEAR
WE’LL BOTH PRETEND THAT YOU’RE NOT REALLY HERE
MY RULES ARE CURT
JUST FOLLOW THEM AND NO ONE WILL GET HURT
ELLIOT. — (Spoken.) No.
Página 24 de 97
PAULA. — (Spoken.) No?
ELLIOT. — I’m not happy about the arrangements.
(ELLIOT sits on back of sofa, with feet on sofa.)
PAULA. — Hey! Get your feet …
ELLIOT
DON’T SPEAK
I NEED YOUR ATTENTION I’M NOT GONNA SAY THIS TWICE
I’M YOUR LANDLORD AND THIS PIECE OF PAPER SAYS
YOU’VE GOTTA TREAT ME NICE,
LADY, I’M THE ONE WITH THE RULE BOOK
WHO’LL SAY WHAT YOU CAN DO AND CAN’T
‘CAUSE YOU’RE LIVING ON AN ELLIOT GARFIELD

AN ELLIOT GARFIELD GRANT
God love ‘em
YOU’RE LIVING ON AN ELLIOT GARFIELD
AN ELLIOT GARFIELD GRANT.
PUSH ME
AND YOU WILL DISCOVER
THAT YOU’RE GONNA BE EXILED
YOU’RE THE GUEST OF MY PRIVATE FOUNDATION
YOU AND YOUR POSTER CHILD
I’M THE ONE WHO’S GIVING THE ORDERS
A NOT TOO CALM COMMANDANT
Ten-hut
AN ELLIOT. GARFIELD GRANT.
LOOK AT THE GUTTER AND KNOW
THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF ELLIOT
OUTSIDE IT’S SEVEN BELOW
YOU’RE HERE, YOU’RE WARM, YOU’RE DRY
Página 25 de 97
AND I’M THE REASON WHY
What a guy.
HENCEFORTH WE’RE DOIN’ IT MY WAY
AND THERE WILL BE NO DISPUTES
THINK OF ME AS A PERMANENT FIXTURE
I’M PLANNING TO SET DOWN ROOTS
FROM NOW ON I’M PART OF THE LANDSCAPE
A TOUGH INDIGENOUS PLANT
SUNSHINE.
No applause, please
MY RULES, MY SWEET
YOUR CHOICE IS TO SUBMIT OR HIT THE STREET
I LIKE TO SHOWER EV’RY MORNING
AND I DON’T LIKE YOUR PANTIES WRINGING WET ON THE ROD
AND IF YOU HAVE TO LEAVE YOUR RAZOR ON THE SINK
YOU RUN THE RISK THAT I’LL TURN INTO SWEENEY TODD
AS I’M A CRAZY KIND OF GUY
WHO CAN’T PREDICT WHEN NATURE CALLS
OR HUNGER SEIZES ME
I’LL USE THIS HONEY OF A BATHROOM AND THE GODDAM KITCHEN
ANYTIME IT PLEASES ME
I HATE AN OVER-HEATED HABITAT
SO GRAB A QUILT AND LEAVE THE THERMOSTAT TO ME.
I ALWAYS SLEEP COMPLETELY NAKED, BUFFO,
WINDOW OPEN WINTER, SPRING THROUGH FALL
Página 26 de 97
SO IF YOU CARE TO SPARE YOUR DAUGHTER
A RELUCTANT INTRODUCTION TO ANATOMY
I’D BOLT MY DOOR AT NIGHT
AND KEEP THAT PRECIOUS KID OF YOURS
FROM WANDERING THE HALL
YOU HAVE CHIP ON YOUR SHOULDER THE SIZE
OF THE EMPIRE STATE
CALL YOUR CHARM SCHOOL AND ASK FOR A REFUND
WHILE I HYPERVENTILATE
GET A BOOSTER SHOT FOR DISTEMPER
THEN TRY NOT TO RAVE AND TO RANT
LAMBCHOP. YOU’RE LIVING ON AN ELLIOT GARFIELD
Mister nice guy
Don’t thank me
PAULA. — And if I say no?
ELLIOT. — When I was in “The Caine Mutiny Court-Martial” …
PAULA. — I accept.
ELLIOT. — We’re moving right along.
PAULA. — I don’t like it and I don’t like you.
ELLIOT. — It’s probably why we were thrown together. One of God’s little jests. Now if
you’ll move your shapely little fanny out of the way, I’ll unpack my reviews and move
right into my little Barbie Doll house.
(SHE crosses to HER bedroom door.)
Miss McFadden. You forgot to say goodnight.
Página 27 de 97
PAULA. — I was working on goodbye.
ELLIOT. — Unbelievable.
(THEY BOTH go into THEIR respective rooms. PAULA takes off her robe and gets into bed.)
LUCY. — How long is he going to stay?
PAULA. — As long as he lets us.
LUCY. — I thought you weren’t going to live with any more actors.
PAULA. — He’s not really an actor. He impersonates animals.
(ELLIOT begins to unpack and to put clean sheets on the tiny bed.)
ELLIOT. — (Undressing.) She lied about being married. She lied about the dog. That
probably isn’t even her kid. She probably hired her from an agency just to get me
out.
PAULA. — (Yells back.) Are you going to talk to yourself all night?
ELLIOT. — (Yells back.) I’m not talking to myself. My son is with me. I brought him in the
duffel bag.
(To himself again.)
Why do you answer her? She’s just gonna answer back. Ignore her. Pay no attention.
PAULA. — I have to get up early tomorrow morning and take my daughter to school.
ELLIOT. — (Yells back.) Why? Sleep in. Let King take her. Arf, arf, arf.
(To HIMSELF.)
Yo, Elliot. Great. That nailed her. Always get a nifty zinger in, that drives them nuts.
PAULA. — (Yells back.) Maybe that’s nifty in Chicago, but it doesn’t zing in New York.
ELLIOT. — (To HIMSELF.) Didn’t I tell you not to talk back!! She knows New York, she’s better
at this than you … Okay. Don’t panic. Think of the alternatives.
# – Good News, Bad News
ELLIOT
WHAT A JIP-
THIS IS SUCH A RIP-OFF
Página 28 de 97
EV’RY TIME SHE SNEERS AT ME
I WANT TO RIP HER UPPER LIP OFF
BUT THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY WAY TO LIVE
I’VE GOTTA TRY TO BE MORE … POSITIVE
THE GOOD NEWS IS
SHE DOESN’T OWN A SHOTGUN SO I GUESS I GOT OFF CHEAP
THE BAD NEWS IS
TONIGHT I’M COUNTING SQUATTERS
WHEN I SHOULD BE COUNTING SHEEP
THE GOOD NEWS IS
I’M HERE IN NEW YORK WHERE SOLVENCY MAY AWAIT
THE BAD NEWS IS
THE GOOD NEWS AIN’T SO GREAT
SURE I’M TIRED, DEPRESSED AND PISSED
I’LL PRETEND TO BE AN OPTIMIST
THE GOOD NEWS IS
I’M SHARING THIS APARTMENT WITH A PAIR OF SINGLE CHICKS
THE BAD NEWS IS
THAT ONE OF THEM IS RABID AND THE OTHER’S THREE FOOT SIX
PAULA
THE GOOD NEWS IS
WE’RE SAFE IN MY BED NOT OUT ON THE STREET, KNOCK WOOD
THE BAD NEWS IS
HE COULD BE HERE FOR GOOD
PAULA & ELLIOT

WHY THIS, WHY ME, WHY NOW?
HAVEN’T I BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH?
MAYBE THIS IS JUST SOME NASTY SCENE I’M DREAMING
ELLIOT
BUT FIRST I HAVE TO FALL ASLEEP
Página 29 de 97
SO I CAN WAKE UP SCREAMING.
(PAULA sits up.)
PAULA. — Dammit!
LUCY. — Huh?
LUCY. — No. You did.
PAULA. — I’m sorry.
(Gets out of bed.)
You wait right here.
LUCY. — Where am I going?
(PAULA crosses to his door and knocks. HE is still strumming his guitar.)
PAULA. — Can I speak to you, please?
ELLIOT. — I don’t know. Who is it?
PAULA. — Very funny.
ELLIOT. — You may enter.
PAULA. — Are you decent?
ELLIOT. — I am decent.
(SHE opens the door and steps in.)
PAULA. — Do you realize it’s two o’clock in the morning and my daughter has to …
Oh, my God, you’re naked.
(SHE turns away.)
I thought you said you were decent.
ELLIOT. — I am decent. I also happen to be naked.
PAULA. — Look, I don’t like to fight. I’m usually easy to get along with. Some people
find me charming. Some people find me warm and affable and good natured.
ELLIOT. — Well, start whenever you’re ready.
PAULA. — (Smiles.) Look, I’ll ask you nicely. Would you please stop playing that guitar
so the normal people in this apartment can get some sleep
Página 30 de 97
ELLIOT. — Ah, but you see, that’s how I fall asleep. By playing the guitar. Music is
nature’s sleeping pill.
PAULA. — Well, couldn’t you swallow the guitar with a glass of water?
ELLIOT. — Oh my. What happened to charming and affable?
PAULA. — They moved out when you moved in … Look, I have a brother Biff who’s six
foot four and weighs two hundred thirty-eight pounds. Now do you want to deal
with Biff in the morning?
ELLIOT. — Is Biff the one who’s keeping King for the night?
PAULA. — Yeah, we’re going to have trouble, you and I. Starting now, Mr. Garfield,
the good times are over.
(SHE goes.)
ELLIOT. — These were the good times?
# – Reprise: Good News, Bad News
PAULA & ELLIOT

THE GOOD NEWS IS
SOME QUICK NEGOTIATION KEPT A ROOF ABOVE MY HEAD
THE BAD NEWS IS
A HOMICIDAL MANIAC IS TEN FEET FROM MY BED
LUCY
THE BAD NEWS IS
WE’RE STUCK WITH A ROOMMATE - THIS ONE’S A TICKING BOMB
THE GOOD NEWS IS
THIS TIME I’M THE ONE WHO SLEEPS WITH MOM!
ALL
THE BAD NEWS IS
THAT I HAVEN’T SLEPT A WINK AND IT’S ALMOST DAWN
THE GOOD NEWS IS
MAYBE I’LL WAKE UP AND
Página 31 de 97
ELLIOT
SHE’LL BE
PAULA & LUCY

HE’LL BE
ALL
GONE
WHY THIS?
WHY ME?
WHY NOW?
(THEY turn off their lights.)
Blackout
Página 32 de 97
Scene 5
The Same.
In the dark, we hear Chinese bells Softly, musically.
ELLIOT is in the living room, sitting on the floor in a lotus position. We hear HIM doing a
mantra. Incense is burning on the kitchen counter. Both LUCY and PAULA awaken at
the same time.
LUCY. — I smell something burning.
PAULA. — (Sniffs.) It’s incense.
LUCY. — What’s incense?
PAULA. — It’s what I’m feeling right now.
(SHE crosses quickly into the living room. ELLIOT is meditating and chanting on the floor in lotus position.)
Hey! Do you know it’s five after six in the morning? … Isn’t there a temple where you
can do that?
ELLIOT. — We all have our spiritual outlets, Miss McFadden. I meditate in the morning.
You bark like a dog at night.
(HE gets up, crosses into kitchen and begins to assemble a health food breakfast.)
PAULA. — Is this going to be a regular routine? Guitars at night, “The King and I” in the
morning?
(SHE hits the button on the tape and stops the music.)
Today happens to be a very important day for me. I’m auditioning for one of the
two new musicals opening this year that isn’t a revival … What is that slop you’re
puttting in my dish?
ELLIOT. — Fiber, soya, lecithin, natural honey. Everything organic. My body is a temple
and every day is a High Holiday. This gives me vitality, energy and a wonderful
disposition. I happen to be sixty-nine years old, Miss McFadden, and as you may
have noticed last night, there’s not a wrinkle on my body … Now if you’ll excuse me,
I’m off to rehearse “Richard the Third”.
PAULA. — Listen, if you could find another place to live, say Chinatown, I promise to
pay back every cent of rent you paid as soon as I get a job.
ELLIOT. — You forget this is my apartment. You really ought to try this all-bran. My
feeling is all your problems stern from irregularity.
(He goes. The portals close.)
Página 33 de 97
# – Good News/Bad News (Mrs. Crosby’s reprise)
MRS. CROSBY
THE BAD NEWS IS
THE FOLKS UP IN 3A
ARE IN A MOST UNCIVIL WAR
THE GOOD NEWS IS
THE CHILD IS QUITE A TALKER
SO I ALWAYS KNOW THE SCORE
THE BAD NEWS IS
THE REGULAR TENANT
JUST UP AND DISAPPEARED
THE GOOD NEWS IS
THE CHECK HE WROTE
HAS CLEARED
THE BAD NEWS IS
THEY’RE HAVING A SLUGFEST
THIS ONE’S THE MAIN EVENT
THE GOOD NEWS IS
AFTER THEY MOVE OUT
I’LL RAISE THE RENT
Página 34 de 97
Scene 6
A Tiny Off-Broadway Theatre.
ELLIOT and OTHER ACTORS are sitting on a tiered bench as the DIRECTOR, MARK, is
addressing them. HE has a Hungarian accent.
MARK. — (Pedantic and pompous.) … Now then, what about Richard the Third? The
question is, and this may seem perfunctory, was Richard actually deformed?
Historically, clinically, I suppose yes. But as I see it, it was society that crippled Richard,
not childbirth … I see Richard as gifted, profound, poetic, misunderstood and
fighting desperately to be accepted by a world who saw only his disfigurement …
How then can we show the beauty that lies beneath the hideous shell that
imprisoned him? Simple. Let’s get rid of the hump. Let’s get rid of the twisted
extremities. In fact, let’s get rid of the man himself and show Richard … as … a
woman.
(The actors all look at each other, murmur among themselves.)
… Do you see what I’m getting at, Elliot?
ELLIOT. — Gee, I hope not … You mean I play Queen Richard the Third?
MARK. — No. You don’t get it. You’re still King Richard, but what I want to see is a
man playing a woman playing a man.
ELLIOT. — Why don’t you just have a woman play a man?
MARK. — We’ve seen that, Elliot. Glenda Jackson played Hamlet. Judith Anderson
played Hamlet. To me, that’s superficial. Let’s go one step deeper. Every man has a
feminine side. Every woman has a male side. Let’s show the male side, the feminine
side, and the male/feminine, feminine/male side … Would you know how to play
that, Elliot?
ELLIOT. — (Thinks, shrugs.) Like a … double date? I don’t mean to be difficult. Can’t I at
least have my hump? The club foot? I’ve been working on it for months … Then I’ll
try to give you a feminine/male male/feminine club-footed hunchback woman
playing a man. Okay?
MARK. — But if we show them the hump and the woman, we’re giving them “Beauty
And The Beast”. Why don’t we just try it my way? Let’s read it through once and see
how it flies. Trust me.
STAGE MANAGER. — Act One, Scene One. Enter Richard, Duke of Gloucester.
(All eyes turn towards ELLIOT. HE stands book in hand, trying to figure out how to play this “thing”. HE
clears his throat and makes a stab …)
ELLIOT. — Now –
Página 35 de 97
(MARK shakes HIS head in disapproval. ELLIOT tries it a shade more feminine.)
Now –
(MARK is unhappy. HE wants ELLIOT to go further, more feminine … ELLIOT tries.)
Now is the winter of our discontent
(Deep male voice.)
Made glorious summer by this … Can we take a five-minute break, please!
STAGE MANAGER. — Five minutes, please.
(The ACTORS move away, and MARK and ELLIOT sit on bench.)
MARK. — You’re unhappy, I can tell.
ELLIOT. — I passed unhappy six minutes ago. I am freaking petrified … And what are
the critics going to say? Loved him, hated her? … Look, I’m just an actor. I’m from
Chicago. We do the play as written. You’re from New York. You know what they like
here.
MARK. — I’m from Budapest. They don’t know shit in New York.
ELLIOT. — Look, I’ll play Richard any way you want. Modern dress, contemporary, we
can do it in rap.
“Nows da winter o discontent

Mah foot is busted, mah back is bent”
… Just don’t make me look foolish out there.
MARK. — But the hump is so cliché. Everybody does it with a hump.
ELLIOT. — I know. It’s stupid. Just because Richard the Third had a hump, I guess they
don’t want to insult his family … What if I just did it with a big boil on my shoulder? …
Maybe mumps. Swollen glands, a goiter, I don’t know.
MARK. — I’ll make you a deal. You give me a man playing a woman playing a man,
and I’ll give you the biggest hump you ever had in your life.
(THEY look at each other.)
Página 36 de 97
Scene 7
A Playground in Central Park.
VARIOUS SKATERS and BICYCLISTS glide by. PAULA and LUCY come jogging on.
PAULA. — That’s it. Stop! I’ve got to rest. We’ve run three miles, that’s enough.
LUCY. — We didn’t run three miles. We rode the subway the first two and a half …
Come on. You got to get in shape, Mom. My life depends on it.
PAULA. — What’s the point? I didn’t get that show I auditioned for. I was beaten out
by three girls who were younger than me. I mean all three together were younger
than me.
LUCY. — Well, you know what they say. If you can’t do it, teach it.
PAULA. — You mean become a choreographer? Funny, but a friend of mine asked
me to be his assistant.
LUCY. — There you are. If you have a problem, just ask me.
PAULA. — Okay. Did it ever bother you about Tony and me? About living with him
and not being married? I wanted to, he just kept forgetting.
LUCY. — I understand. Just like if it happened to me when I grow up, you’d

understand.
PAULA. — The hell I would.
# – Footsteps
PAULA
SOMETIMES EVEN MOTHERS MAKE MISTAKES
AND I’VE MADE MY SHARE
THOUGH I SWEAR I’VE TRIED TO BE THE BEST I CAN BE
BUT SOMETIMES I FORGET THAT YOU ARE ALWAYS THERE
LIKE A VIDEO CAMERA ALWAYS WATCHING ME
THINK ABOUT YOUR EVER LOVING MOTHER AS A LUMINOUS EXAMPLE
JUST CAUSE I’VE AN APPETITE FOR HEARTACHE
DOESN’T MEAN YOU NEED A SAMPLE
I’M COUNTING ON YOU TO EXERCISE GOOD SOLID JUDGMENT
Página 37 de 97
TOTALLY DIFF’RENT FROM MINE
DON’T FOLLOW IN MY FOOTSTEPS
AND YOU’RE GONNA BE FINE
LUCY
YOU WANT ME TO WATCH YOUR EV’RY MOVE
AND THEN EXPECT ME TO IGNORE YOU
PAULA
YOU CAN GO AND MAKE YOUR OWN MISTAKES
OR YOU CAN LET ME MAKE THEM FOR YOU
WHENEVER YOU SEE ME GO DOWN IN FLAMES ASK THE QUESTION
WHY PUT MY HAND IN THE FIRE
LUCY & PAULA

THESE ARE WORDS TO INSPIRE
PAULA
DO AS I SAY NOT AS I DO
JUST TO SPARE THE LION’S SHARE OF WHAT I’VE BEEN THROUGH
JUST REMEMBER EVERYTHING THAT I DID WRONG
I DID IT ALL WRONG FOR YOU
LUCY. — Who?
PAULA. — You.
LUCY. — Oh.
HOW WOULD YOU REACT IF I DECIDED TO GROW UP TO BE A DANCER
PAULA
I WOULD PROB’LY GROUND YOU TILL YOU’RE FIFTY WHILE I THOUGHT ABOUT THE ANSWER
LUCY
I WANNA MAKE MY LIFE ON THE STAGE JUST LIKE YOU DID
PAULA
FIND AN ORIGINAL SIN
Página 38 de 97
DON’T PICK UP ANY DANCESTEPS
DON’T PICK UP ANY ACTORS
THAT’S A PLACE TO BEGIN
(Dance break.)
LUCY
MOMS HAVE GOT IT ROUGH
BUT IF YOU REALLY WANT A CHALLENGE BE A DAUGHTER
IT’S ABOUT AS HARD AS
WALKING ON OR BREATHING UNDER WATER
PAULA
WHERE DO YOU FIND A KID WHO’LL JUST DO WHAT SHE’S TOLD TO?
ALL EXCEPT PAULA

RIPLEY’S BELIEVE IT OR NOT
PAULA
DON’T
BOTH
FOLLOW IN MY/YOUR FOOTSTEPS
PAULA
YOU’LL
BOTH
MISS A LOT OF POTHOLES
PAULA
YOU’LL
BOTH
MAKE IT THROUGH THE MINEFIELD
ALL
IT’S YOUR VERY BEST SHOT
Página 39 de 97
PAULA
SO THANK YOUR LOVING MOMMA
WHO DID IT ALL FOR YOU
I’M THE PERFECT EXAMPLE
LUCY
THE KEY TO EXACTLY
WHAT
ALL
NOT TO DO
LUCY. — I want to make my life on the stage.
PAULA. — No!
Página 40 de 97
Scene 8
Central Park.
MRS. CROSBY walks by with a filled shopping cart, talking to HERSELF.
MRS. CROSBY. — So the big good lookin’ one moves out and the short nervous one
moves in but the short nervous one don’t have no more money than the big good
lookin’ one cause that girl don’t know ‘nothin’ about men but you can’t hold that
against her because I don’t know any more ‘bout men than she does which is why
I’m walkin’ around talkin’ to myself instead of havin’ a short nervous man in !!!Y place
like she got in her place.
(SHE exits.)
Página 41 de 97
Scene 9
The Apartment.
Night. ELLIOT and LUCY are at the table eating spaghetti. PAULA is at the sink, slowly
washing dishes.
LUCY. — So, what did you do after you got out of South-eastern?
ELLIOT. — North-western … Then after I got out of North-western, I got my first summer
stock job. “Cyrano De Bergerac” at the Log Cabin Theatre.
LUCY. — I saw “Cyrano” on Channel Nine. With Jose Ferrer.
ELLIOT. — I used half the nose, got twice the laughs. It’s style that counts, not the
make-up.
(HE pours wine in his glass. To PAULA.)
A little more Chianti?
(SHE shakes her head “no”.)
Nianti on the Chianti.
LUCY. — Hey, that’s good. You’re terrific with words.
ELLIOT. — Words are the canvas of the actor. His lips are his brushes and his tongue,
the colours of the spectrum. And when he speaks, he paints portraits.
LUCY. — Awesome! Wasn’t that awesome, Mom?
PAULA. — Awesome. Finish your dinner. It’s almost time for bed.
LUCY. — You’re different than Tony. He wasn’t a classy actor. He was just – you know
– sexy?
ELLIOT. — You don’t find me sexy?
LUCY. — Are you kidding?
(SHE laughs hard.)
Mom? Do you think that he’s se –
ELLIOT. — Shh! No, no. Wrong person to ask.
LUCY. — So how’d you get “Richard The Third”.
ELLIOT. — Just bad luck, I guess … Hey, would you like to come to the opening?
Página 42 de 97
LUCY. — Of “Richard The Third”? Is it funny?
ELLIOT. — Well, this one is … Come on. I have no one else to invite. Tuesday night?
LUCY. — Can we, Mom?
PAULA. — Tuesday is a school night.
LUCY. — We went to Tony’s opening on a school night.
PAULA. — I’ll think about it.
LUCY. — (Turns to ELLIOT.) She’ll think about it. I hope it goes well. Do you play the hero?
ELLIOT. — Well, let’s say the heroine.
LUCY. — What do you mean? Don’t you get the girl in the end?
ELLIOT. — I am the girl in the end … It’s complicated. Goodnight.
LUCY. — Goodnight.
(SHE goes.)
PAULA. — (To ELLIOT.) Would you be interested in my bedroom?
ELLIOT. — Are you talking to me?
PAULA. — You can have the big bedroom for an extra hundred dollars a month.
Payable right now in cash. We’ll move into yours in the morning.
ELLIOT. — You mean a rent increase for getting what I should have gotten in the first
place? No, thank you … Look, if you’re short, I’ll split the shopping list with you.
PAULA. — On what?
ELLIOT. — Food, kitchen, bathroom cleansers, everything except male and female
doodads … and if I play Richard the way the director wants, we’ll only need the
female doodads … What do you say? Fifty-fifty?
PAULA. — I appreciate that. Thank you I just don’t have any fifties left. My purse was
stolen on the street today.
ELLIOT. — I’m sorry. How much did they get?
PAULA. — (Shrugs.) Oh, just everything I had in the world. My last dollar.
(Tries to smile.)
Did you ever have one of those … lifetimes?
Página 43 de 97
ELLIOT. — I must say, you’re taking it very well.
PAULA. — Yeah, well, the guy who took my bag took it very well, too.
ELLIOT. — (Takes out some bills.) I have sixty-eight dollars and change. I’ll split it with you.
And starting opening night, I get three hundred sixty dollars a week. I’ll make you an
offer. I’ll pay all the living expenses until you find a job.
PAULA. — I see … And what do you get?
ELLIOT. — All you have to do – is be nice to me.
PAULA. — (Throws down towel.) You go to hell,
(SHE crosses into kitchen, he follows her.)
ELLIOT. — Would you please listen very carefully because this may be the last time I’m
ever talking to you … I’m sorry about what happened today. But I have no designs
on you whatsoever. And you’re not the only person in this city who got dumped on.
I’m a recent dumpee myself. I’m a dedicated actor, dedicated to my art and craft.
I value what I do. And because of a mentally arthritic director, I am now playing
Richard the Third like Elizabeth II. When I say be nice to me, I mean nice. Decent!
Fair. I deserve it because I’m a nice, decent, fair person. I don’t want to jump on
your bod. I don’t even want to. see you when I get up in the morning.
(HE starts away, then stops.)
But I’ll tell you what I do like about you … Lucy! Lucy is your best part.
(HE slaps money down on the table.)
There’s thirty-four dollars for the care and feeding of that terrific kid. You get zippedy-
doo-dah! … You think the whole world is against you, don’t you? Wrong! The only
one who’s against you is you. And if I were you, I’d sure hate to have you as an
enemy
(HE crosses to his room and goes.)
PAULA. — (To HERSELF.) … So would I.
(SHE sits there confused and perplexed.)
# – How Can I Win?
PAULA
HOW CAN I LEARN TO TRUST ENOUGH
AND TO STOP BELIEVING ALL I HEAR ARE LIES
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OPEN MY HEART BUT JUST ENOUGH
TO KEEP AN OPEN MIND BUT NEVER CLOSE MY’ EYES
TO THE DANGERS I ALERT MYSELF
MAKING EFFORTS TO ASSERT MYSELF
AND DISCOVERING WAYS TO HURT MYSELF
THAT NO ONE ELSE HAS TRIED
HOW CAN I WIN IF I’M NOT ON MY SIDE
HOW CAN I DARE TO FEEL AGAIN
IF I CAN’T LET GO OF PAST MISTAKES I’VE MADE
LIVING THROUGH EACH ORDEAL AGAIN
THE FAITH THAT I MISPLACED, THE PRICE I OVERPAID
I’VE BEEN ABLE TO ENDURE ENOUGH
BUT I MUST NOT WANT THE CURE ENOUGH
I GET BACK ON MY FEET AND SURE ENOUGH
MY HOPES AND FEARS COLLIDE
I LIVE EACH DAY LIKE MY EMOTIONS ARE AT WAR
BUT I DON’T REMEMBER ANYMORE
JUST WHO OR WHAT I’M FIGHTING FOR
WHEN WILL DELIGHT BE MINE AGAIN
WILL IT COME OR CAN IT BE THAT IT’S TOO LATE
I WANT THE SUN TO SHINE AGAIN
BUT I MUST WALK AWAY FROM THE SHADOWS I CREATE
AND THOUGH I TELL MYSELF IT’S SAFER JUST TO HIDE
HOW CAN I WIN IF I KEEP RETREATING
CHEATING MYSELF IS SELF DEFEATING
DIM OUT
(In the dark, we hear.)
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RICHARD
(V.O.)
Meet me within this hour at Baynard’s Castle

Now will I go to take some privy order
To draw the brats of Clarence out of sight
And to give order that no manner person
Have any time recourse unto the Princes
(Trumpets. A smattering of applause.)
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Scene 10
The Exterior of The Off-Off-Broadway Theatre.
Four people come out.
DONNA. — Did you ever?
1ST MAN. — I have never.
DONNA. — Did you see what I saw?
1ST MAN. — God, I hope not.
2ND WOMAN. — (To her HUSBAND.) You think the second act can be as bad as the first?
HUSBAND. — Sure. Why should they suddenly get talented in the intermission?
2ND WOMAN. — Don’t you think this is the worst thing you’ve ever seen?
HUSBAND. — No, I think the second act will be worst thing I’ve ever seen.
(The lights flicker and they go in.)
Let’s get this over with.
1ST MAN. — (To DONNA.) Come on.
DONNA. — No.
1ST MAN. — Come on!
DONNA. — No.
1ST MAN. — (Pulling her in.) Come on, will you?
DONNA. — No … No NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
(As he drags her in.
The theatre exterior dissolves to reveal the interior of the Off-Off-Broadway theatre, and the
production of “Richard the Third”.
Richard Interred:
We see a number during which moments from a very bad production of “Richard III” are interspersed.
What we are hearing are the thoughts of ELLIOT, the DIRECTOR and VARIOUS ACTORS as the show is in
progress.)
HASTINGS
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“The tender love I bear your grace,
Makes me most forward in this noble presence
To doom the offenders,
I say, my lord, they have deserved death.”
RICHARD
“Then be your eyes the witness of this illi
Look how I am bewitched. Behold, mine arm
Is like a blasted sapling withered up;”
HASTINGS
“If they have done this deed, my noble Lord –”
RICHARD
“If! Thou protector of this damned strumpet,
Talk’st thou to me of ifs?
Off with his head! Now by Saint Paul I swear
I will not dine until I see the same.”
(EXEUNT.
HE rushes over to MARK.)
ELLIOT. — (To MARK.) I told you they hate me. Look what I’m wearing. I look like a rich
cabbage patch doll.
(Sings.)
I’M DYING, I’M DYING
I TOLD MYSELF THIS TRAGEDY
WOULD HAVE A HAPPY ENDING
I WAS LYING
I’M TRAPPED BEFORE THE AUDIENCE FROM HELL
AND WHAT I’M SELLING THEY AREN’T BUYING
(Enter LOVELL and RATCLIFFE with HASTINGS’ head.)
LOVELL. — “Here is the head of Hastings.”
RICHARD. — “So dear I loved the man that I must weep.”
(HE rushes over to MARK.)
ELLIOT. — (To MARK.) Stop the show! Tell the audience we’ll give them their money back.
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MARK. — Tonight’s performance was free.
ELLIOT. — Well, tell them we’ll give them a toaster.
ELLIOT
(Sings.)
I’M FLOPPING, THEY HATE ME
I LET MYSELF GET TRICKED INTO APPEARING
LIKE SOME UNDISCOVERED GENDER
A BIT OF AL PACINO A LOT OF
SHIRLEY TEMPLE ON A BENDER

(Begin pantomime coronation scene.)
RICHARD. — “Shall we wear these glories for a day? Or shall they last, and we
rejoice in them?”
MARK
THIS IS BRILLIANT
THIS THEATRICAL TRAIL I’M BLAZING
AND THEY SAID MY CAREER WOULD SLUMP!
STILL I NEVER SHOULD HAVE GIVEN HIM THE HUMP
(Continue pantomime of coronation.)
AN ACTOR
IT’S HOPELESS
MARK
EXCITING
AN ACTOR
I SHOULD BE PLAYING RICHARD
ANOTHER ACTOR
WHEN THIS DOESN’T WORK I’LL BET HE’LL BLAME THE LIGHTING.
TWO ACTORS
I WONDER WHAT THAT SOUR LOOKING WOMAN
SITTING ON THE AISLE IS WRITING
RICHARD. — “Ha! Am I King? ‘Tis so, but Edward lives.”
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BUCKINGHAM. — “True, noble Prince.”
ELLIOT. — (Rushes to MARK.) I just heard a lady say to her friend, “No, Helen, you’re wrong.
It’s a woman playing a man playing a woman.”
ELLIOT
I’M A FLOP ON OFF-OFF-BROADWAY
THERE’S MY AGENT; THERE HE GOES
HERE AT LAST ON OFF-OFF-BROADWAY
AND I ‘M WEARING PANTYHOSE
ELLIOT. — (Grabs AN ACTOR in the wings.) Kill me in the next scene.
ACTOR. — But Richard doesn’t die until the fourth scene.
ELLIOT. — Not Richard. Me. Kill Me.
(ELLIOT returns to the stage.)
CAST OF RICHARD
IF WE RUN ONE WEEK I CAN FILE FOR UN-EMPLOYMENT,
I MAY NEVER WORK AGAIN
(Begin Scene change out of coronation.)
RICHARD. — “Up with my tent, for here I will lie tonight.”
ELLIOT. — (Grabs MARK in the wings.) Do you hear them, Mark? Do you hear the terrible
things they’re saying about me?
MARK. — Like what?
ELLIOT. — A man in the first row said to his wife, “Wouldn’t he make a wonderful key
chain?”
Hey, Elliot, hurry up and get on the stage.
(ELLIOT rushes onto the stage.)
RICHMOND. — “Gloucester!”
(RICHARD and RICHMOND fight. RICHARD is stabbed and begins to die.)
AUDIENCE MAN. — Where did they get this guy!
(HE exits with HIS wife.)
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ELLIOT
I KNOW I CAN PLAY THIS PART
BUT NO ONE HERE WILL EVEN HAVE A CLUE
I’VE THE RIGHT INTERPRETATION
AND THE PROPER MOTIVATION
BUT MY CHANCE WAS RUINED FROM THE START
I REALLY CAN PLAY THIS PART
PAULA
I’M DYING, HE’S DYING
IT BREAKS MY HEART TO SEE HOW HARD HE’S TRYING
AND THOUGH I’M DEEPLY BORED
HE STRIKES A CHORD IN ME
I ALMOST FEEL LIKE CRYING
EVERYONE
THIS SHOW IS SO PERVERSE
IT CAN’T GET ANY WORSE
THE ENDING MUST BE NEAR
HE’S KILLING HIS CAREER
THEY ARE GOING TO HANG HIM OUT TO DRY
IF SHAKESPEARE WERE ALIVE NOW HE WOULD
RICHARD. — “A horse. A horse. My kingdom for a horse.”
EVERYONE
… DIE!
(Towards the end of the number, LUCY falls asleep.
The number ends and there is a smattering of applause, mostly from PAULA. The stage lights come up
and the CAST comes out for their applause. It is paltry, except from PAULA … LUCY wakes up.)
DONNA. — (To HER date.) You take me to this for my birthday?
MRS. CROSBY. — (To PAULA.) Well, I think that apartment’s gonna be empty again,
honey.
(SHE laughs, exits.)
LUCY. — I dozed off. What did I miss?
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PAULA. — A good night’s sleep.
(A WOMAN comes out, followed by MARK.)
MARK. — But did you like it? I mean really, really like it?
WOMAN. — I said yes.
(SHE goes.)
MARK. — Oh, God. She loved it. My mother loved it.
(HE grabs PAULA’S hand.)
Oh, thank you. I’m so glad you liked it. We’re all very excited.
(TWO ACTORS come out on way out.)
PAULA. — Is Mr. Garfield back there?
ACTOR. — (Yells back.) Hey, Elliot! Civilians!
(HE goes off. ELLIOT comes out in a robe, wiping his face, looking morose.)
PAULA. — (Trying to effusive.) Oh, hi! … Gee, we had a … well, it was such a … and you
… You were really … so committed.
(ELLIOT nods but can’t speak.)
LUCY. — People were talking about you on the way out. They wanted to remember
your name so they’d never forget it.
(ELLIOT nods silently.)
PAULA. — Well, we don’t want to keep you. We just wanted to thank you for … well,
whatever. Oh, and the seats you gave us were so close.
(ELLIOT nods, wipes his eyes.)
I really admire your – dedication.
(ELLIOT nods, then goes back off. PAULA takes LUCY’S hand and starts off in the opposite direction.)
I could just cry I hope he’s going to be alright.
LUCY. — Oh, oh.
PAULA. — What?
LUCY. —
I think you like him.
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PAULA. — Don’t “oh oh” me. I don’t like him. I just feel sorry for him.
(THEY start to leave.)
LUCY. — That’s how it was with Tony. First you felt sorry for him, then you liked him,
then you moved in with him, then you -
PAULA. — Alright alright alright!! I-don’t-like-him!
(The lights go out on stage. Only a single work lamp is on.)
PAULA. — Please, God, don’t let me like him. I’ll light candles in church, but don’t let
me like another actor.
I WON’T LET HISTORY REPEAT ITSELF
I’VE BID MY PAST
GOODBYE NO MORE NO MORE
(The ORCHESTRA plays the final line as PAULA walks off and the…)
Curtain Falls
End of Act I
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Act II
Scene 1
The Apartment.
Late night. The lights are off. Suddenly, the front door opens and the darkened figure
of ELLIOT careens in, trips over a chair, and falls flat on HIS face. HE is definitely drunk.
The lights go on as PAULA comes rushing out of the bedroom in her robe. SHE is
shocked when SHE sees ELLIOT.
PAULA. — Oh, my God! Mr. Garfield! Are you alright?
ELLIOT. — (From the floor.) Not according to “The New York Times.”
(HIS pockets are stuffed with reviews. HE pulls one out.)
“The New York Times” said, “In Elliot Garfield’s His and Her performance of ‘Richard
the Third’, one wishes the hump were in his throat” … I hate it when the reviews are
funnier than the show.
(SHE helps HIM up.)
Do you have anything to drink? Like Diet Arsenic?
PAULA. — (Picking up the debris.) Don’t you think you’ve had enough?
ELLIOT. — Well, “The New York Post” thinks I have. They wrote a very short review.
(HE reads.)
“We’ll stop if he stops,” they said.
(HE trips over a stool and goes down.)
PAULA. — Please be careful.
ELLIOT. — (Pulls out another one.) And “The Daily News” said, “This ‘Richard the Third’
makes ‘La Cage Aux Folles’ seem like ‘The John Wayne Story’.
(HE laughs hysterically.)
I love that one. That’s my favorite.
(SHE leads HIM towards HIS bedroom.)
Oh, you missed the party. It was fun. We had police protection … Oh! A professor
who teaches Shakespeare at Columbia came back to see me.
PAULA. — What’d he say?
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ELLIOT. — Nothing. They pulled him off me just in time.
PAULA. — I ‘m so sorry.
ELLIOT. — One woman outside the stage door actually liked it. She said she identified
with it … Of course was a transvestite and hunchbacked.
(HE falls over the bed to the other side, lands on the floor. He looks up.)
Did we move?
PAULA. — Well, I thought you were wonderful.
ELLIOT. — I was not wonderful. I was an Elizabethan Tinker Belle. The Betty Boop of
Stratford-on-Avon.
OH IT’S JUST MY PIDDLING UNIMPORTANT
NEW YORK DEBUT
BUT IOWA
KEOKUCK, IOWA
IF THEY KILL
THERE YOU’RE THROUGH
PAULA. — I’m going to make you some coffee.
ELLIOT. — (Grabs her wrist.) Don’t walk out on me. Once a night is enough.
PAULA. — Listen, one day you’ll find the right parts.
ELLIOT. — This is it
(Sings.)
BUT NO ONE HERE WILL EVEN HAVE A CLUE
IT’ THE BREAK THAT I HAD PRAYED FOR
AND THE ROLE THAT I WAS MADE FOR
BUT MY CHANCE WAS RUINED FROM THE START
GOD KNOWS I CAN PLAY THIS PART.
PAULA. — I’m getting you that coffee.
(SHE exits into the kitchen.)
ELLIOT. — (Spoken legitimately.)

“Now is the winter of our discontent
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Made glorious summer by this sun of York
And all the clouds that lour’d upon our house
In the deep bosom of the ocean buried.”
PAULA. — (Impressed.) That was good. That was wonderful, honestly. You’re good
actor, Mr. Garfield.
ELLIOT. — Yes. But unfortunately not a good actress … You’re really not such a bad
person, you know. You have some very nice qualities.
PAULA. — Thank you. Try to get some sleep.
ELLIOT. — Don’t tell Lucy what it said in the “Times.”
PAULA. — I won’t
ELLIOT. — Or the “Post.”
PAULA. — No.
ELLIOT. — Or Channel Two, Four, Five, Seven, Nine, Eleven, Thirteen and
“Entertainment Tonight” … CNN wasn’t bad. They had a power failure.
PAULA. — I’m glad.
ELLIOT. — Thank you … Tell the crowds no autographs please. Tell them that I’m.
(He falls asleep as PAULA sings:)
# – Reprise: How Can I Win?
PAULA
TONIGHT, IT’S TRUE; BOTH YOU AND RICHARD CAME IN THIRD
BUT YOU HAVE A GIFT, THERE IS NO DOUBT THERE
ALL YOU CAN DO IS GET BACK OUT THERE
HOW CAN YOU WIN IF YOU’RE NOT ON YOUR SIDE?
Página 56 de 97
Scene 2
The Apartment.
Early next morning. LUCY is at the breakfast table reading a review. Paula comes in
and starts to brush LUCY’S hair.
LUCY. — (At table reading.) “Last night Director Mark Koslovski gave us still one more new
interpretation of Shakespeare. According to press releases, Elliot Garfield played
Richard the Third as a man playing a woman playing a man … What emerged was
Bugs Bunny playing Miss Piggy playing a French poodle.” What kind of a review
would you call that?
PAULA. — A career breaker.
ELLIOT. — (Comes out looking like hell.) Oh my God. i think I drank my tongue last night.
(HE sits. He and LUCY look at each other.)
LUCY. — (To ELLIOT.) Well, it’s not your fault. I don’t think it’s a very good play.
ELLIOT. — Well, you know. The author refused to rewrite.
(The telephone rings. PAULA picks it up.)
PAULA. — Hello? … Yes, he is Just a minute.
(To ELLIOT.)
It’s for you.
ELLIOT. — (Big smile.) I got the cover of “Newsweek?”
(HE picks up phone.)
Yeah? Hello, Harv … Yeah. Sure. I understand … No, that works out Okay.
(HE hangs up.)
There you go. The minute you think your world is collapsing, something wonderful
happens.
LUCY. — What?
ELLIOT. — They closed the show. I don’t have to do it again.
(HE picks up the “Times”.)
Now I’m free to take that other job.
PAULA. — What other job?
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ELLIOT. — I’m looking. I’m looking.
PAULA. — Lucy, we’re late. Go get your sweater.
LUCY. — I know why “Richard the Third” wasn’t a hit. People don’t like sequels.
(SHE goes.)
ELLIOT. — You realize, of course, your daughter has a crush on me.
PAULA. — I’ve noticed … So … what are your plans now?
ELLIOT. — My immediate plans? Well, I thought after breakfast I might try an aborted
suicide attempt.
PAULA. — In other words, you’re not going back to Chicago?
ELLIOT. — Oh, I get it. You want to rent the room.
PAULA. — No. I got a job. On PBS. A nutrition show. It’s not big money but it’ll pay the
food bills. So, if you decide to stay, I could use some help with Lucy. With dinner and
homework –
ELLIOT. — I accept.
PAULA. — You do?
ELLIOT. — I may be a flop, but I’m not stupid.
PAULA. — (Smiles.) Good. There’s fish stix in the freezer. Don’t push the wheat germ and
Lecithin. She still likes to taste things. Oh, and if you run into trouble you can call Mrs.
Crosby.
ELLIOT. — You were right, you know. You really can be.
PAULA. — Can be what?
ELLIOT. — Charming, warm and affable.
PAULA. — Oh. Thank you.
ELLIOT. — Is that a blush I see upon thy cheek?
PAULA. — Is it that noticeable?
ELLIOT. — Like the glow of a thousand fireflies.
PAULA. — Last week animals, this week insects.
ELLIOT. — Don’t swat away my compliments. Am I embarrassing you?
Página 58 de 97
PAULA. — Well, I guess I do have my guard up a lot.
ELLIOT. — Thank you for coming backstage last night. And for putting me to bed … I
didn’t get out of line, did I?
PAULA. — No.
ELLIOT. — I remember your perfume … or was that mine from the show?
PAULA. — Mine, probably. Thank you for noticing.
ELLIOT. — (Points.) There it is again.
PAULA. — More fireflies?
ELLIOT. — No. More like the blossom of a morning glory opening up at dawn.
PAULA. — You spend a lot of time outdoors, don’t you?
ELLIOT. — Well, I’ll see you later.
PAULA. — Where?
ELLIOT. — Here. I thought you were just leaving
PAULA. — Oh. Right. I forgot … Well, I guess I’ll be seeing you around. The apartment
… And like that.
(SHE goes out, flustered.)
ELLIOT. — Cute, Definitely cute.
# – Reprise: “Good News/Bad News”
ELLIOT
THE GOOD NEWS IS
THE WAR BETWEEN THE ROSES
STRUCK AN UNEXPECTED TRUCE
AND THE GOOD NEWS IS
SHE’S GIVEN ME A CAUSE
TO TAKE ME HEAD OUT OF THE NOOSE
WE’RE HEADING TOWARD AN INT’RESTING CHAPTER
CERTAIN TO FASCINATE
Página 59 de 97
THE BAD NEWS IS
SHE WON’T BE HOME TIL EIGHT.
End of Scene
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Scene 3
In the dark, we hear a TV FLOORMAN.
TV FLOORMAN. — Places, please. Places, please. Thirty seconds to taping. Thirty

seconds. Places, please.
(LIGHTS UP.
THE SET OF “THE RICKY SIMPSON SHOW”
The TV FLOORMAN is directing scenery in and setting up the cameraman and boom operator.
DONNA and JENNA come running out from opposite directions in their bathrobes, looking frantic.)
DONNA. — Where the hell is Paula?
JENNA. — She’s not home. I just called.
DONNA. — Wouldn’t you know? The only crummy job that comes up and she’s late.
JENNA. — Maybe she’s embarrassed. What a dumb gig.
TV FLOORMAN. — (To GIRLS.) Get ready, ladies. We’re taping.
(They run off.)
Five-four-three-two-one.
ANNOUNCER. — (Voice-over.) … And now … here’s … RICKY SIMPSON!!
(We hear huge applause and catcalls from an unseen audience. RICKY SIMPSON comes out. A pudgy
man with a huge hairdo. He is wearing shorts, sneakers and a gym shirt.)
RICKY. — (Waves.) Hello, skinny people!
(Huge cheers.)
Hello, fat people!
(Huge cheers.)
Hello, Enormously fat people.
(Biggest cheers of all.)
Well, enormously fat win again.
(Huge applause, catcalls.)
And why do people get enormously fat? Because we
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AUDIENCE. — EAT-THE-WRONG-FOODS!!
RICKY. — Yes! We eat the wrong foods Bad, bad you … Well, do you know who our
guests are tonight? Do you?
AUDIENCE. — No! Who?
RICKY. — Well, I’ll tell you … Our guests tonight – are the WRONG FOODS!!
(Laugh from audience.)
So, let’s meet them now. But I must warn you. Resist them. They can be oh so, so
tempting.
(The AUDIENCE cheers and boos.)
# – Too Good to Be Bad
JENNA
I’M SWEETS,
DONNA
I’M FATS,
PAULA
I’M FRIES
ALL THREE
SAY SO LONG TO SELF-CONTROL
PAULA
WE’VE A NEED TO FEED YOUR SOUL
ALL THREE
HOW COULD WE POSSIBLY HURT YOU
WE’RE IN EV’RY SNACK AND DESSERT YOU HAVE HAD
HONEST, SUGAR,
PAULA
WE’RE TOO GOOD TO BE BAD
ALL THREE
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LET YOUR APPETITE RUN RIOT
DONNA
YOU KNOW YOU WANT US – DON’T DENY IT
ALL THREE
IT’S UP TO YOU TO DO OR DIET
PAULA
AND EV’RYTHING IS BETTER WHEN YOU DEEP FAT FRY IT
ALL THREE
LIFE WITH US IS SHORT AND SWEET
(WE’RE.) WORTH OUR WEIGHT IN CELLULITE
DONNA
HEALTH FOOD’S FOR NEUROTICS
JENNA
AND MACROBIOTICS A FAD
ALL THREE
IT’S JUST A FAD
THE FDA REQUIRES US TO STATE THIS WARNING
THE ODDS ARE GREAT THAT YOU WILL HATE YOURSELF
IN THE MORNING
PAULA
BUT EAT YOUR HEART OUT
ALL THREE
WE’RE TOO GOOD TO BE BAD
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Scene 4
The Apartment.
Night. LUCY, in pajamas, and MRS. CROSBY are watching PAULA on television. When the
show ends, MRS. CROSBY sings a mocking reprise of “Too Good to Be Bad.”
# – Reprise: Too Good to Be Bad
MRS. CROSBY
AS A DANCING FRENCH FRY
YOUR MOM’S A PRETTY HOT TOMATO
BUT GET UP OFF THAT SOFA GIRL
BEFORE YOU TURN INTO A COUCH POTATO
(She turns off TV set.)
PUT DOWN THAT REMOTE CONTROL
HIT THE BOOKS – NO ROCK AND ROLL
REAL LIFE IS NOTHING LIKE COSBY
SO MOVE IT OR ELSE MRS. CROSBY GETS MAD
DO YOUR HOME WORK
YOU’RE TOO GOOD TO BE BAD
YOU HAVE HAD TOO MUCH TV
MOM’S NOT HALF AS STRICT AS ME
I KNOW YOUR ARM MAY NEED TWISTING
BUT DON’T EVEN THINK OF RESISTING A TAD
IT’S A SCHOOL NIGHT
YOU’RE TOO GOOD TO BE BAD
DROP THAT PHONE AND DON’T START YACKIN’
I WANNA HEAR THOSE BOOKS START CRACKIN’
A GENIE GRANTED ME THREE WISHES
GET TO YOUR MATH AND HISTORY THEN DO THE DISHES
PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME TURN TO FORCE
YOU ARE LEFT WITH NO RECOURSE
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LAND IN THE SLAMMER OR END UP A GRAMMAR SCHOOL GRAD
YOU’RE REALLY AWFULLY HAP’NIN’ FOR AN ANGLO SAXON
SO TAKE A TIP FROM MRS. C AND MICHAEL JACKSON
JUST DON’T DIS ME YOU’RE SO GOOD THAT YOU’RE BAD!!!!
(MRS. CROSBY gets caught up, gets up and dances to it, pulls LUCY up and THEY
BOTH dance to it.)
MRS. CROSBY
YOU’RE REALLY AWFULLY HAP’NIN’ FOR AN ANGLO SAXON
MRS. CROSBY & LUCY

SO TAKE A TIP FROM MRS. C AND MICHAEL JACKSON
JUST DON’T DIS ME
YOU’RE SO GOOD THAT YOU’RE BAD!!!!
(The door opens, and PAULA comes in. THEY don’t see her, just keep on dancing.)
PAULA. — What’s going on here?
LUCY. — Mrs. Crosby was helping me with my homework.
PAULA. — You got a test on Whitney Houston tomorrow? … Where’s Mr. Garfield?
MRS. CROSBY. — He got a job this afternoon and said you couldn’t be here ‘cause
you got a job yesterday, so I got a job tonight. See you later.
PAULA. — (Opens her purse.) How much do I owe you?
MRS. CROSBY. — Forget it. You can sit with my kids on Friday. I got a date with my ex-
husband.
PAULA. — How romantic.
MRS. CROSBY. — I ain’t after romance. I’m after back payment on child support. Bye
Honey.
(SHE goes.)
PAULA. — (To LUCY.) Did he at least pick you up after school?
LUCY Sure. Me, Cynthia and Melanie.
(PAULA takes off HER coat and hangs it on the coat tree.)
You know what Cynthia said?
Página 65 de 97
PAULA. — No.
LUCY. — She said Elliot had charisma. I looked it up tonight and he does.
PAULA. — Alright, cut it out.
LUCY. — Cut what out?
PAULA. — Stop trying to make something between us.
LUCY. — Me? … Cynthia Fein said
PAULA. — Cynthia Fein, my behind. Stop pushing me.
LUCY. — Who’s pushing?
PAULA. — You are. Your fingerprints are al 1 over my back … He’s okay, alright? … But
I’m not his type and he’s not my type.
(LUCY fingers PAULA’S costume jewellery in a box and mumbles under her breath.)
I heard that … What did you say?
LUCY. — If you heard it, why are you asking?
PAULA. — What did you say?
LUCY. — I said your type never hangs around long enough to stay your type.
PAULA. — That was a rotten thing to say.
LUCY. — I know. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said it.
PAULA. — … I think I do. You’ve been bounced around a lot, haven’t you, Luce?
LUCY. — I never thought of it that way. I always thought you were the one who got
bounced around.
PAULA. — That’s a very unselfish thing to say, Luce. Thank you … But I promise you,
the ball stops bouncing here.
(THEY hug … ELLIOT enters the apartment, carries shopping bag. HE has a black eye.)
ELLIOT. — HI! Anyone home? … It’s the boarder.
(PAULA looks at LUCY.)
LUCY. — Sound like a bounce to you?
PAULA. — I can handle it.
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(SHE crosses into kitchen, followed by LUCY.)
Hi! I heard you got a job today. Oh, my God. What happened to your eye?
ELLIOT. — I punched a guy right in his fist … I was mugged. This guy took my wallet.
PAULA. — You and I must be on a mailing list … How much did he get?
ELLIOT. — Just an empty wallet. I already spent it on this.
(He hands her shopping bag.)
PAULA. — What is it?
ELLIOT. — I didn’t look. It was on sale.
PAULA. — (SHE looks in bag.) Oh. Ohhh, this is really nice.
(Takes out leather bag.)
Look, Lucy. Isn’t it beautiful?
(To ELLIOT.)
This is nicer than my old bag. This is real leather isn’t it?
LUCY. — Cynthia’s right. He does have charisma.
(SHE exits.)
PAULA. — You didn’t have to do this, Mr. Garfield.
ELLIOT. — Especially if you keep calling me Mr. Garfield.
PAULA. — Thanks … Elliot.
(SHE crosses to refrigerator.)
Let me put some ice on that.
(SHE puts ice in a towel.)
ELLIOT. — And what about you? Do I chariz you at all?
PAULA. — Please. I joined Charisma Anonymous … What kind of job did you get?
ELLIOT. — With an improvisational group in the West Village. Tonight we did Albert
Einstein on a date with Madonna … I was Madonna … At least I’m playing better
looking women.
(She puts iced towel on his eye.)
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PAULA. — Don’t move.
ELLIOT. — How come I can only see half as much but you look twice as good? … You
get the feeling something’s starting between us?
PAULA. — Look, maybe I misjudged you. Maybe you’re not as totally weird as I
thought.
ELLIOT. — Maybe you’re not as totally cold, as I thought. That ice is melting real fast
in your hands.
PAULA. — Must be that hot air you’re blowing.
ELLIOT. — Maybe that hot air happens to be the warmth I feel for you.
PAULA. — Why? You don’t really know me.
(SHE puts his hand over the ice pack so that he’s holding it. She gets up, nervously.)
And I admit I haven’t been all that nice to you.
ELLIOT. — Not when I’m watching, no.
(HE gets up, moves towards her.)
But last night when you tucked me in bed and neatly folded up my coat, I said to
myself, “Elliot, I think she really likes you. I think she really –” Then I fell asleep.
PAULA. — (Trying not to face him.) I felt sorry for you. You looked like a puppy that was hit
by a bus.
ELLIOT. — I was. It just so happens; you were the bus.
PAULA. — Well, get out of the street because I have no time for romance. I don’t
know if I’d even be good at it anymore.
ELLIOT. — You can practice on me. Just till you get the hang of it again.
(It’s a slow pursuit. SHE slowly moves away from him.)
PAULA. — That’s very generous of you. But I’m busy. I just got a job choreographing a
dance show on PBS every Saturday –
(He kisses HER.)
– morning at 9 o’clock … Oh, God.
ELLIOT. — What?
PAULA. — Your bus just hit my bus.
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ELLIOT. — You see! I’ve got a crash on you … What is there about you that makes a
guy with a 163 I.Q. say such stupid things? … Did Tony ever say such stupid things?
PAULA. — All the time. He had a 63 I.Q. … Elliot, please don’t do this. Don’t make me
feel happy. I hate that goddam, “It’s wonderful to be alive feeling.”
ELLIOT. — But it is wonderful. I want you to feel it. I want you to smile. I want you to
laugh. When was the last time you laughed?
PAULA. — (Laughs.) When the crown fell over your mouth in “Richard the Third” … I had
to bite my lip.
ELLIOT. — Don’t bite your lip. That’s my job.
(He kisses her again.)
What do you feel like now?
PAULA. — Like saying stupid things.
ELLIOT. — Say one.
PAULA. — Bite my other lip.
(HE kisses her again. SHE backs away.)
No more. I’ve run out of lips.
ELLIOT. — God, I love dating girls who live in my apartment. I get home so early … Oh,
by the way. We’re having dinner on the roof tomorrow night. Think of really good
stupid things to say.
PAULA. — ELLIOT!!!
(He stops.)
We can stop right here. If we stop right now, we’ll never get hurt, either one of us.
ELLIOT. — Do you really mean that?
PAULA. — No. I was just practicing stupid things to say.
(They both turn and go back into their own rooms.)
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Scene 5
The Apartment.
Immediately following.
# – Who Would’ve Thought
PAULA
WHO WOULD’VE THOUGHT
THIS SUBHUMAN SUBLET
WITH AN EGO THE SIZE
OF THE NATIONAL DEBT
WOULD LIVE UP TO HIS HYPE
BUT HE ISN’T MY TYPE
ELLIOT
I’D SUBDUE AND DISARM
HER DISDAIN AND CONTEMPT
WITH THE FORCE OF MY CHARM
SHE’D RESIST IF SHE COULD
I MUST REALLY BE GOOD
PAULA & ELLIOT

WHY COULDN’T I SEE IT COMING
WHY DIDN’T I HAVE A CLUE
I SUDDENLY FEEL LIKE HUMMING
PAULA
AND I MUST PUT A STOP TO THIS SOON
ELLIOT
I CAN FEEL THAT SHE’S CHANGING HER TUNE
PAULA
WHO WOULD BELIEVE
I’M ENOUGH OF A FOOL
TO BE TAKING THE PLUNGE
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AFTER DRAINING THE POOL
WE MAY LEARN TO BE FRIENDS
BUT THAT’S RIGHT WHERE IT ENDS
PAULA & ELLIOT

ALL THAT I KNOW
IS THAT JUST DOWN THE HALL
IN THE VERY NEXT ROOM
THROUGH THIS PAPER THIN WALL
THERE’S A CREATURE I HATED
I CAN’T WAIT TO WAKE UP AND SEE
WHO WOULD’VE THOUGHT THAT
PAULA
THIS NIGHTMARE
ELLIOT
THIS WONDERFUL BLUNDER
PAULA & ELLIOT

WOULD HAPPEN TO ME
(The portals close and LUCY, CYNTHIA and MELANIE come out with portable phones. THEY sing the
continuation of “Who Would’ve Thought”.)
LUCY & CYNTHIA

WHO WOULD’VE THOUGHT IT
WOULD TAKE THEM SO LONG
CYNTHIA
I WAS SURE OF LAST WEEK
LUCY
AND LAST WEEKEND WAS WRONG
MELANIE
THIS IS TOTALLY COOL
LUCY & CYNTHIA
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THAT’S CAUSE YOU WON THE POOL
MELANIE
WHEN DO YOU THINK
THEY WILL CUT TO THE CHASE
LUCY
WELL HIS ODDS HAVE IMPROVED
CYNTHIA
SINCE HE GOT TO FIRST BASE
THREE GIRLS
AND HE’S COMIN’ ON STRONG
SO IT SHOULDN’T BE LONG
THIS COULDN’T BE MORE OUTSTANDING
WE HANG ON THEIR EV’RY MOVE
MELANIE
IT’S VERY MUCH LIKE KNOTTS LANDING
CYNTHIA & MELANIE

WILL HE CHARM HER RIGHT INTO HIS PALM?
LUCY
IF HE DOESN’T SHE ISN’T MY MOM
THREE GIRLS
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT
COULD BE ANYONE’S CALL
CYNTHIA & MELANIE

WE’RE DEPENDING ON YOU
WITH YOUR EAR TO THE WALL
THREE GIRLS
TO TURN INTO A SPY TO BE ONE OF THOSE SLY LITTLE ELVES
TILL WE’RE GROWN, ON OUR OWN, AND ARE PRONE TO FIND ROMANCE OURSELVES
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WHO WOULD’VE
LUCY
THOUGHT.
(The portals open to reveal…)
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Scene 6
The Roof of The Apartment House.
Night. It is very dark. We can only see the distant lights of the office buildings uptown.
The roof door opens and a very tentative PAULA looks in. SHE looks around nervously.
PAULA. — Elliot? … Elliot, are you here? … Say something … I don’t like this.
(Suddenly a match is struck and lights up a candle on a makeshift table. We see ELLIOT in a tuxedo,
white jacket.)
ELLIOT. — (Bogart impersonation.) I forgot to say it was formal, kid.
(HE lights a cigarette, tosses away the match, then tosses away the cigarette.)
You want the moon? Here’s the moon.
(HE hits a switch and a paper moon hanging from the roof TV aerial lights up. PAULA’S hand goes to
her mouth, holding back her emotion. SHE doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry.)
You want the stars? I got stars.
(HE hits another switch. Electric stars on wires all around the roof light up. PAULA is aghast at the pure
fantasy of it all.
A spotlight hits the table with a checkered table cloth, a pizza still in the box with steam coming off
and wine coolers in a common pail.)
You wanna be swept off your feet? I got a broom around here somewhere.
(We hear an audible sigh from PAULA.)
PAULA. — Oh, God!
ELLIOT. — Are you alright?
PAULA. — I can’t help it. I’m a sucker for romance … You did this all for me?
ELLIOT. — No. I’m staying too.
PAULA. — Where’s Lucy?
ELLIOT. — I sent her, Mrs. Crosby and her kids to the movies. Cost me more than the
moon and the stars.
(HE moves closer to her, swaying to the music, dancing around her. SHE eyes him.)
PAULA. — What are you doing?
ELLIOT. — I don’t know. I’m just hoping it’s working.
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PAULA. — Yeah. It’s working.
(HE grabs her and dances with her.)
ELLIOT. — May I have this dance?
PAULA. — You already took it.
(THEY continue to dance.)
What now? A Gershwin tune?
ELLIOT. — No. A Garfield melody.
PAULA. — You wrote a song?
ELLIOT. — Not yet. I love improvisation.
# – Paula? [An Improvised Love Song]
ELLIOT
PAULA
(HE drops to one knee.)
ON MY KNEES YOU’RE SO MUCH TALLA
BUT TO PLEASE YOU I WOULD CRAWL A-
(HE crawls on his knees.)
CROSS THE …
(HE thinks.)
NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE
(SHE MAKES MY TAIL BEGIN TO WAG

AND NOTHIN’ ON EARTH COULD IMPROVE HER)
AND IF MY LYRICS MAKE YOU GAG
I’LL APPLY THE SOND-HEIM-LICH MANEUVER
PAULA
THERE’S NO NEED TO OVERHAUL ‘HA
I AM READY TO INSTALL ‘HA IN MY HEART
SO LET’S GET WISE
AND IMPROVISE
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SOME GREAT THE-A-TER
WE’LL SPLIT A PIZZA
HIT THE SHEETS A LITTLE LATER
NEAR PAULA MY DAMN
ELECTROCARDIOGRAM
JUMPS THE CHART
PAULA
YOU SING TO ME AND I’M ELATED
YOU MIGHT SAY AD LIB-ERATED
ELLIOT
THOUGH IT’S IMPROMPTU AH’M TOO CALM TO SWEAT
PAULA
THIS SERENADE THAT YOU’VE CONCOCTED
IS WHAT THE DOCTOR PRESCRIBED
AND HIS PRESCRIPTION SEEMED UNFILLABLE
STILL I THRILL IN EV’RY SYLLABLE
ELLIOT
PAULA
PAULA
(WHO ME?)
ELLIOT
I’M DETERMINED TO ENTHRALL ‘HA
IT’S A NAME I’D LOVE TA SCRAWL A–
CROSS THE SKY
WITH SHOOTING STARS
CELESTIAL GRAFFITI AT LEAST A MILE HIGH
I’VE FALLEN FOR PAULA I CAN’T DENY
(Chevalier.)
POE-LA
LIKE A SNIPER FROM ANGOLA
SHOT ME DOWN BUT I’D PAROLE ‘HA FOR A KISS
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MAYBE A FRENCH ONE
(Richard Burton.)
I’LL BE YOUR JUKE BOX TILL THE DAWN
I’LL GIVE YOU THREE PLAYS FOR A QUARTER
(James Stewart.)
YOU MERELY HAVE TO TURN ME ON
I’M A SORTA SHORT ORDER COLE PORTER
(Cary Grant.)
PAULA
I WOULD HAND YOU MY LAST DAHLA
PUT ME ON A LEASH AND CAR-LA
FEED ME A QUICHE
(Italian opera star.)
AND PAULA KNOW
IF PAULA DECIDED TO GRANT MY FONDEST WEESH
I’D CLING LIKE A BARNACLE
NO CAPICHE?
(Dance break.)
ELLIOT
PAULA
PAULA
(THAT NAME HAS A RING TO ME)
ELLIOT
I AM GAGA OVA PAULA
PAULA
(I TINGLE WHEN YOU SING TO ME)
BOTH
MY PULSE AND HOPES ARE RISING SO LET’S KEEP IMPROVISING
TRUST THE GOOD KARMA – WE HARMONIZE
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AND LOVE COULD BE LIKE THIS SONG
PAULA
PAULA
WHAT’S HAPP’NING TO PAULA
BOTH
WHO KNOWS SO WE’LL JUST MAKE IT UP
AS WE GO ALONG
(At end of song, HE takes PAULA in his arms and kisses her. SHE looks at him, then grabs him and kisses
him twice as hard.)
PAULA. — I’m warning you now, Elliot, I take these things very seriously. Unfortunately,
I took the last five times seriously, but no more. If you want platonic, I can give you
platonic. But if you want serious, you better put on your hip boots.
ELLIOT. — Hey, I don’t have any plane tickets in my pocket, okay? I’m here because
I like you … I more than like you … I more than more than like you.
(HE kisses HER.)
PAULA. — I don’t know what was wrong with me before. For years I was hung up on
macho guys. Thank God, I’m over that.
ELLIOT. — I’ll let that remark pass.
PAULA. — But you’re really a nice guy, aren’t you? I mean really nice?
ELLIOT. — Well, let’s not make it seem this side of wimpy. I have been known to send
a few girls screaming home from their prom.
PAULA. — You??? I can’t believe that you –
(HE grabs her and kisses her fully on the lips. Suddenly there is a bolt of lightning and a crack
of thunder.)
It’s going to pour.
(ELLIOT starts to grab the pizza.)
ELLIOT. — Now we’ll have to have our pizza in the kitchen.
PAULA. — Freeze it. I have an altogether different room in mind.
(Another bolt of lightning and crack of thunder as THEY start to run for roof door.)
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(Sings.)
COME WITH ME ELLIOT
AND WE WON’T TURN ON THE TELLY YET
(In the dark, we hear a torrential downpour and a heavy thunderstorm.)
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Scene 7
The Apartment.
Early morning. LUCY is alone on the sofa eating breakfast. ELLIOT’S door is closed. The
door to PAULA’S room opens and PAULA comes out, almost dressed.
SHE looks at LUCY nervously. LUCY is a little sullen.
PAULA. — Oh. You made your own breakfast.
LUCY. — Corn flakes, what’s the big deal?
(PAULA senses there’s trouble.)
PAULA. — Get ready. I’ll take you to school.
LUCY. — It’s two blocks away. If I passed math, I can find the school.
PAULA. — Listen, Luce … About last night –
(ELLIOT’S door opens, and HE comes out feeling very chipper. HE smiles.)
ELLIOT. — Good morning, one and all. Good morning, good morning, good morning.
(No answer.)
I’m wrong? … It’s not a good morning?
(HE looks out window.)
Is there any hope for the afternoon?
PAULA. — Lucy’ s a little tired. She didn’t sleep too well last night.
LUCY. — I guess no one did.
(SHE picks up her books and heads for the door. SHE is gone.)
ELLIOT. — We’ve been found out, have we? Funny, I thought the kid was rooting for
us.
PAULA. — Don’t call her “kid.” She doesn’t like to be called “kid.”
ELLIOT. — Oh. Sorry. In Chicago it’s an expression of endearment. Like, “Hya, kid” …
“How’s it gain’, kid?” …
(More seriously.)
What’s wrong, kid?
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PAULA. — Nothing.
ELLIOT. — Glad to hear it. Any buttered toast?
PAULA. — She’s scared, that’s all. She’s afraid what happened before is going to
happen again.
ELLIOT. — She is, heh? Or is it. Mom who’s afraid?
PAULA. — What happens to my life affects hers And yes, I am afraid. Listen, would you
be terribly hurt if we just forgot all about last night?
ELLIOT. — It’s too late. I’ve already made the entry in my diary.
PAULA. — (With her hands in the sink water.) Look at me. I’m standing here with sweaty
palms and I have my hands in cold water. I don’t know what you’re thinking this
morning, what’s on your mind. Instead of asking me so many God damn questions,
you can at least say to me, “Last night was wonderful.”
ELLIOT. — Last night was wonderful.
PAULA. — Instead of worrying about your lousy buttered toast, you could look at me
and say, “I’m crazy about you.”
ELLIOT. — I’m crazy about you.
PAULA. — No. I’ve had too many of these mornings before. You go to bed a lover
and wake up a cook … Listen, I’m not really up to falling in love again. It’s too much
work … I’ve got a rehearsal to get to.
ELLIOT. — Wait a minute.
PAULA. — I’ve got twenty dancers waiting for me, okay?
(SHE goes outdoor.)
ELLIOT. — WAIT A MINUTE.
(HE follows her out the door. We are in the hallway. MRS. CROSBY is sweeping up.)
PAULA. — You rushed me. You took advantage. You fooled me by being sweet and
nice and lovable. Well, you won’t get away with it.
ELLIOT. — Oh, really? And what happened to “I’m a sucker for romance?” I didn’t ask
for platonic, did I? Am I the one who said, “If you’re serious, you better put on your
hip boots?”
PAULA. — (To MRS. CROSBY.) It started to rain. I didn’t want him to catch cold.
ELLIOT. — You want to know what your problem is? You love to love somebody, but
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the minute they take it seriously, it scares the little pink panties off you.
PAULA. — Hey, you just watch what you say! There are ladies present.
MRS. CROSBY. — (Looks off in the opposite direction, then to PAULA.) No, it’s just us, honey.
ELLIOT. — Serious scares you, doesn’t it? You think it’s by accident you picked five
guys that walked out on you?
PAULA. — They were scared, not me. Those jerks were dumb enough to leave
someone great like me, but I’m the one who’s still here.
ELLIOT. — Well, I’m not the jerk who’s leaving. I’m not the jerk who’s standing in the
hallway afraid to face the truth. I’m not the jerk who screamed out “I LOVE YOU,
ELLIOT” in the middle of the night in that room back there for the whole
neighbourhood to hear.
PAULA. — You’re not going to get what you want by yelling at me. You’re not going
to get what you want by bullying me. I’ve been bullied by the best and the bullies
that bullied me are being gored in Barcelona where they belong.
MRS. CROSBY. — Ole’, honey. Ole’.
ELLIOT. — Damn it, I can’t fight two women at the same time. You stay out of this, Mrs.
Crosby, and you stay right where you are because you’re not leaving till I get the
answer I want. What would it take to prove to you that I’m a serious, major league,
world’s heavyweight champion contender?
PAULA. — … Get Lucy to say it’s alright.
ELLIOT. — You got it, lady.
(To MRS. CROSBY.)
Just wanted you to see there’s still a few real “take charge” guys around here.
(HE goes.)
PAULA. — (To MRS. CROSBY.) He’s very energetic, isn’t he?
MRS. CROSBY. — Don’t knock it, sugar. Just grab it.
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Scene 8
The Schoolyard.
LUCY, CYNTHIA and MELANIE are sitting on their books. LUCY SINGS:
LUCY
JUST LIKE BEFORE
A NEW ROOMMATE ARRIVES
PUTS THE MOVES ON MY MOM
AND MOVES INTO OUR LIVES
IT’S LIKE LIVING THROUGH LAST SEASON’S RE-RUNS
I HAVEN’T A DOUBT
WE CAN BET THE WHOLE SCHOOL IN A POOL
AS TO WHEN HE MOVES OUT
JUST AS I THOUGHT
ALL THREE GIRLS
JUST AS WE THOUGHT.
CYNTHIA. — (To LUCY.) Anyway, I told you he had charisma. I’ll bet he’ll propose to your
Mom.
LUCY. — No one ever proposed to her.
CYNTHIA. — Except your father.
LUCY. — I don’t have a real father. I have a biological father.
MELANIE. — You mean he’s a doctor?
CYNTHIA. — (To MELANIE.) How do you like living in the 1890’s, Melanie?
LUCY. — I don’t trust him. I don’t trust any man. Every man in the world wants just one
thing.
MELANIE. — Your mother?
(ELLIOT comes rushing on. HE grabs LUCY by her hand and starts pulling her away.)
ELLIOT. — Okay! Let’s go!
LUCY. — (Reluctant.) Where?
ELLIOT. — To a proposal.
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(ELLIOT and LUCY exit.)
CYNTHIA. — Wow. He’s cute.
MELANIE. — If only he was twelve.
(CYNTHIA and MELANIE exit in the opposite direction.)
Página 84 de 97
Scene 9
The Lake in Central Park.
We see ELLIOT and LUCY in a rowboat. LUCY looks bored as ELLIOT struggles with the
oars.
ELLIOT. — You want to drive for awhile? It’s fun.
LUCY. — (Sarcastic.) Yeah. It looks it.
ELLIOT. — (Looks in water.) Well, the lake is beautiful, isn’t it? I love how it shimmers when
the sun hits the beer cans and the Kentucky Fried Chicken boxes … I thought the
horse and carriage ride was great, wasn’t it?
LUCY. — I’ve done it twelve times. Every birthday party, they jam thirty of us into one
carriage.
ELLIOT. — Well, I thought the merry-go-round was terrific … I’m sorry you didn’t go op
it with me.
LUCY. — I’m twelve years old. I’ve done my merry-go-round period.
ELLIOT. — … What are you sore about? Me and your Mom?
LUCY. — It’s none of my business.
ELLIOT. — Well, it will be tonight when you and I start exchanging rooms.
LUCY. — I’ve exchanged rooms before.
ELLIOT. — ‘I like your style, kid. I really do … Sorry! I hear you don’t like being called
kid.
LUCY. — I’m a kid. It fits.
ELLIOT. — Well, try this one on for size. I’m in love with your mother. Did you know that?
LUCY. — If you say so.
ELLIOT. — Anyway, there’s a complication. There’s another woman I’m also in love
with.
LUCY. — Figures.
ELLIOT. — It’s you, Lucy. I love you as much as I love your Mom … I want to be your
father, Lucy. Is that possible?
LUCY. — (Shrugs.) It’s not hard. The job’s been open since I was born.
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ELLIOT. — Well, I’m applying. Take the sign out of the window.
# – I Can Play This Part
ELLIOT
(Verse.)
TELL ME HOW’D YA LIKE TO BE MY KID
DOES THAT REALLY SOUND SO BAD
MARK THIS DOWN, I’M PUTTING IN MY BID
LUCKY YOU
ARE ONE OF THE FEW
WHO GET TO CHOOSE THEIR DAD
WHAT YOU’RE LOOKING FOR
IS THE STAND-UP, STEADFAST TYPE
WHO’S RUGGED, STRONG, YET SENSITIVE AND KIND
BUT A LEADING MAN
WITH A SENTIMENTAL STRIPE
PLUS CHARISMA IS ALWAYS HARD TO FIND
DOES THAT SOUND LIKE ANYONE WE KNOW?
ANYONE WE’VE MET?
WHO CAN WE GET?
I THINK I CAN PLAY THIS PART
THOUGH NO ONE’S EVER GOT IT RIGHT BEFORE
I’VE A NEW INTERPRETATION
AND A LOT OF MOTIVATION
AND I SEEM TO KNOW MY LINES BY HEART
I’M SURE I CAN PLAY THIS PART
YOU’VE BEEN HOLDING OUT
FOR A WHITE KNIGHT ON A STEED
WHO’S DASHING, HANDSOME, FILLED WITH WARMTH AND WIT
WHO CAN MAKE YOU LAUGH
SENSE OF HUMOR GUARANTEED
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PLUS AN EGO
AND A SMILE THAT DOESN’T QUIT
CAN THIS WORLD-CLASS PARAGON BE FOUND
AND WHO CAN HE BE
SOUNDS JUST LIKE ME
IT’S ONE THAT I’VE PREPARED FOR ALL MY LIFE
I’LL APPROACH IT WITH DEVOTION
UNDERSTANDING AND EMOTION
SAY THE WORD CAUSE I CAN’T WAIT TO START
I’M SURE I CAN PLAY THIS PART
I’M A QUICK STUDY
AND I LOVE TO REHEARSE
AND I FEEL A STRONG CONNECTION
TELL ME WHAT YOU NEED FROM ME
I CAN TAKE DIRECTION
I’M BURNING TO PLAY THIS PART
AND NO ONE’S EVER LONGED TO PLAY IT MORE
IT’S A ROLE THAT I’M SO RIGHT FOR
THAT I’M WILLING TO FIGHT FOR
WE CAN BOTH CREATE A WORK OF ART
AND I PROMISE TO STAY
FOR THE RUN OF THE PLAY
Página 87 de 97
Scene 10
The PBS TV Studio.
PAULA is putting the DANCERS through their paces for a new Saturday morning
number.
PAULA. — Okay, Everybody take it from the top, 5, 6, 7, 8.
# – Jump for Joy Dance”
(DONNA answers the phone, calls out.)
DONNA. — Paula! Telephone!
PAULA. — I’m busy.
DONNA. — He says it’s Elliot.
PAULA. — I’m not busy.
(SHE crosses to phone. On the opposite side, ELLIOT appears on the phone. SHE speaks into the phone.)
So, how’d you make out with what’s-her-name?
ELLIOT. — Lucy? Actually, pretty good. She said yes. Lucy’s agreed to the marriage
… Of course we’d both like you to be there … So, what do you say? Will you marry
me? Will you be mine?
PAULA. — You say it good. Like a professional … One more time.
ELLIOT. — Wilst thou be wed and chambered to my own heart?
PAULA. — Kiss Me Kate, right?
ELLIOT. — No. “Death of a Salesman”, but you were close … Listen, I have to drop
Lucy off at Mrs. Crosby’s. I have an audition at 4 o’clock with Paramount.
PAULA. — A movie?
ELLIOT. — Well, either that or as an usher … I’ve got to run. See you tonight.
PAULA. — Wait! Say the part you said before.
ELLIOT. — Well, either that or as an usher.
PAULA. — The answer’s yes.
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ELLIOT. — Yes?
PAULA. — I accept, you dope. Can I come as the bride?
ELLIOT. — Well, either that or as an usher … See you tonight.
(THEY hang up. ELLIOT goes. The DANCERS move in on PAULA.)
DONNA. — (Looks at HER.) What? … WHAT???
PAULA. — I’ve just been proposed to. I’m officially engaged.
DONNA. — Did he give you a ring?
PAULA. — Yeah. Just now. That was him on the phone.
(Dance.)
Página 89 de 97
Scene 11
The Apartment.
LUCY is sitting glumly on a stool, doing her homework. ELLIOT is in his room, shoving all
of his clothes in his duffel bag. PAULA bounces happily into the apartment. SHE sees
LUCY.
PAULA. — Hi, Luce! Isn’t life a kick in the head?
LUCY. — (Glumly.) Well, maybe not in the head.
PAULA. — What’s wrong?
LUCY. — At least this time we didn’t get a letter.
PAULA. — What? Where’s Elliot?
(LUCY nods toward the bedroom. PAULA rushes in and sees ELLIOT feverishly packing.)
Hi!
ELLIOT. — Paula, you’ll never guess in a million years what happened. In two million
years. I got a movie! I’m gonna be in the movie. The movie’s going to come out and
I’m going to be in the movie that’s coming out.
PAULA. — That’s wonderful. That’s great news.
ELLIOT. — It’s a love story. An adventure love story. A mystery comedy adventure love
story.
PAULA. — It sounds very long.
ELLIOT. — Wait. Here’s the best part. It takes place in Canada. Seven weeks in British
Columbia. Is that the most perfect place in the world to have a honeymoon?
PAULA. — Is that what you do in the picture?
ELLIOT. — No, that’s what I do in life. We’re getting married in Canada. You, me and
Luce. Our plane leaves at eight o’clock, so start packing. I cashed in my first class
ticket for three economies … Oh, Paula, Paula, everything’s working out just right for
us.
(SHE just looks at HIM.)
It’s not just right? Something’s happened. The guy came back from Spain and you
married him. You had a simple little ceremony in St. Patrick’s Cathedral. What?
PAULA. — Elliot, slow down. Wasn’t it only twenty minutes ago that you proposed
marriage to me?
Página 90 de 97
ELLIOT. — Yes. You must be very happy.
PAULA. — (Calmly.) I am. But don’t you hear yourself? Now suddenly, you want me to
pack up my clothes, my life and my daughter and rush off to get married in
Canada? Tonight!!! In the first place, Lucy’s in the middle of her school year. In the
second place, I don’t want to sit around for seven weeks while you’re making a
movie. In the third place, I have my own career to take care of. I just got promoted
at PBS. I’m the choreographer and my show has just been picked up for twenty-six
weeks. And in the fourth place, if we’re going to make marriage plans, I just want to
be included in the making of them, Elliot.
ELLIOT. — Whoa! Hey! I thought you wanted to get married more than anything else
in the world.
PAULA. — No! I didn’t want to get dumped on again more than anything else in the
world … Then marriage … Look, you already know who you are. Well, I’m just finding
out who I am. And before you and I can become us, I have to spend some time
being me. Him and him is not what I want anymore. I don’t even want him and her.
I want me to be me and you to be you and then we can be we – together.
ELLIOT. — When did we suddenly turn into a crowd?
PAULA. — Don’t you understand, Elliot? For the first time in my life, a man is leaving
me and I’m not scared. As a matter of fact, I’m glad you’re going. I’ll miss you, yes,
but for the first time in my life I won’t miss me … Because I’ll be here for me and that’s
someone I’ve never been able to count on before.
ELLIOT. — (Points a finger at HER.) You’re scared! You’re backing out! The idea of actually
getting tied to someone petrifies you. That’s why you’re giving me a lot of me’s and
you’s and him’s and her’s and we’s and us’es … I knew it! I knew it!
PAULA. — You idiot. I said ‘Yes,’ didn’t I?
ELLIOT. — And what does “yes” mean? In seven weeks, seven months, seven years?
Goddammit, I hate those guys who walked out of here. I’m the only one who wants
to stay and I’m the only one who’s getting kicked out.
PAULA. — You know what your problem is, Elliot?
ELLIOT. — l know, I know. Irregularity.
PAULA. — No. You have enormous confidence as an actor, but not much in yourself.
ELLIOT. — Well, I’ve never played myself before … The best role in my life and I’m
miscast … Forgot it. I’m not going.
(He lies on bed.)
It’s not worth it. The hell with it. I don’t need it.
Página 91 de 97
PAULA. — (Smiles.) Okay.
ELLIOT. — What am I, crazy? And miss the biggest opportunity of my life.
(He jumps.)
No way. No, sir. Sorry. Listen, honey, I’ve got a career. I’m on my way to Canada. If
you change your mind about the wedding, call Him, Her, Them, They, Those, Ours,
Theirs and Yours … Maybe I’ll see you in ten weeks or ten months or ten years.
PAULA. — Is that what you’d like, Elliot?
ELLIOT. — (Looks at her, ruefully.) No. What I would like is to have spent the rest of our lives
up on the roof. I liked being Bogart. I liked being Cary Grant.
PAULA. — You can’t spend your life being someone else, Elliot.
ELLIOT. — It was working fine until you turned into someone else.
PAULA. — You mean Paula? You might like her once you got to know her. You’re a
good actor. Can’t you try and get inside of my head and see how I’m thinking now?
ELLIOT. — No. I don’t play those kinds of parts anymore … so long, Paula.
PAULA. — Goodbye, Elliot.
ELLIOT. — Goodbye? Isn’t that a little redundant around here? … Break a leg at PBS.
PAULA. — Knock ‘em dead in Canada.
ELLIOT. — (HE starts for the door.) Tell Lucy not to send me that Father’s Day card just yet.
(LUCY comes in the doorway. HE sees HER.)
So long, kid. Nice knowing you, kid.
(HE goes.)
LUCY. — (To PAULA.) Don’t tell me you blew it?
PAULA. — I don’t know. That’s up to him.
LUCY. — I hate it when we leave it up to the guy.
PAULA. — Any other guy, but this guy is no ordinary guy.
Página 92 de 97
# – What A Guy
WHAT A GUY
HE CAN FIGHT LIKE A CHAMP – YES-SIR-EE
WHAT A GUY
THOUGH HE’S CRAZY – HE’S CRAZY FOR ME
WHEN I SAID HOLD OFF THE WEDDING
THE COLOR LEFT HIS CHEEKS
DON’TCHA LOVE A GUY WHO FREAKS
AT WAITING SEVEN WEEKS
WHAT A GUY
HE WAS PROB’BLY AS CHARMING AT BIRTH
WHO I KNOW IF I ASKED HIM WOULD GLADLY MOVE HEAVEN AND EARTH
EVEN I CAN HARDLY MISS
WHAT A GUY LIKE THIS IS WORTH
HE’S THE FIRST ONE I TRUST TO COME BACK
WHAT A GUY
WHEN HE DOES I’LL GIVE HIM SUCH A SMACK
HE’S NO CHIP OFF A CHIPPENDALE
BUT HE’S A BREATH OF SPRING
HE DOES ROTTEN IMITATIONS
BUT HE’S THE REAL THING
WHAT A GUY
HE’S A GUY WITH A HELL OF A NERVE
BUT HE’S KIND AND HE’S GOOD AND HE THINKS
THIS IS WHAT I DESERVE
AND IT’S HARD TO DISAGREE
WHEN A GUY LIKE THIS LOVES ME
HOW I OVERLOOKED
HIS GREAT APPEAL
A MONTH AGO
Página 93 de 97
NOW LIKE IN THE PAST
I AM THE LAST TO KNOW
WHAT A MENSCH
I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE WHAT HE DID
HE EVEN PROPOSED TO MY KID
ANY IDIOT CAN SEE
WHAT A GUY
WHO IS DECENT AND HONEST AND TRUE
WHO COULD SMILE THROUGH WHAT I PUT HIM THROUGH
WHAT A GUY FOR ME.
Página 94 de 97
Scene 12
The Front of Paula’s Building.
PAULA and LUCY are in their room. ELLIOT comes up the subway stairs, carrying his duffle
bag.
ELLIOT. — (To himself.) Alright. You go up there, you knock on the door, you say, my
plane was delayed to midnight so I thought I’d come back and say “Listen, I was
wrong. Partly wrong. A little bit wrong. A miniscule wrong … And she’ll say, “No, you
weren’t. You were all wrong” … So what do I need it for?
(He turns and starts downstairs again, then stops.)
Wait a minute. What if another guy shows up with a lease in his pocket. Tony could
have sent out a million of them. A thousand actors could show up here tomorrow.
(HE starts back upstairs.)
Don’t go up there. Call her on the phone. Be cool, man, let her sweat it out.
(HE crosses to phone, puts quarter in and dials.)
Don’t be nervous. You’re very good with words.
(We hear the phone ring upstairs into phone:)
Hello? Mrs. D’Agostino? I hear you have a room to let. My name is Elliot Garfield and
I’m a terrific actor. Let me read you one of my reviews. “Elliot Garfield, a nice,
decent and fair man, just completed a six-week stint at the Paula McFadden theatre
where her daughter Lucy was crazy about him. He, in turn, went ga-ga over said
Paula McFadden, where she was wooed, wowed but wasn’t wed … He is hoping
to return there for another engagement, if she will have him, even though he hasn’t
got the money for a ring just yet.
(PAULA has climbed out on the balcony.)
… Whether this is a hit or not depends on Miss MacFadden’s response … Can you
hear me?
PAULA. — (On balcony.) Yes, I can hear you.
ELLIOT. — Gee, we have a great connection.
PAULA. — It just took a little time getting through to me.
(HE turns and looks up at HER.)
But you’re a lucky guy, Elliot.
ELLIOT. — I am? Why?
Página 95 de 97
PAULA. — Because the girl in the end isn’t you anymore. It’s me … you are nice and
you are decent. And someone like you deserves the best … which is also me.
ELLIOT. — That’s all I wanted to hear. I’ve got a plane to catch. I have a movie to
make.
PAULA. — They’ll wait for you. l did … Now get up here. All you have to do is be nice
to me.
ELLIOT. — Oh! Oh! . The worm turns. Classic development. Liza Doolittle becomes
Professor Higgins. What do you want me to do, Liza, get you your slippers?
PAULA. — No, you twit! Just read this.
(LUCY comes out and rolls down a sign on cloth, “Welcome Home … We Love You, Elliot!”.)
ELLIOT. — How’d you know I was coming back?
PAULA. — Confidence! I’m real big on confidence these days.
LUCY. — And besides … you left your guitar.
PAULA. — The stairs are inside, Elliot. If I were you, I’d take three at a time.
ELLIOT. — Stairs? You think I’m going to blow an opportunity to play a balcony scene?
(HE starts to climb up the fire escape ladder.)
PAULA. — Are you crazy? You could be killed.
ELLIOT. — (Climbing.) Not a chance. I’m doing Shakespeare in the Park this summer.
“Romeo and Juliet”.
PAULA. — Really? Which part?
ELLIOT. — Thou mockest me …
(Sings.)
I KNOW AT LAST THAT I BELONG WITH YOU
PAULA
‘CAUSE IT ALL COMES DOWN TO TIMING
ELLIOT
AND AN AWFUL LOT OF CLIMBING
Página 96 de 97
ELLIOT & PAULA
EV’RY WORD, I SWEAR, IS FROM THE HEART
AND I PROMISE TO STAY
LUCY
FOR THE RUN OF THE PLAY
ELLIOT, PAULA & LUCY

I KNOW I CAN PLAY THIS PART.
The Curtain Falls
Página 97 de 97

(Simon, Neil Hamlisch, Marvin Zippel, David) Goodbye Girl, The (The Musical)

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(Simon, Neil Hamlisch, Marvin Zippel, David) Goodbye Girl, The (The Musical)

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A New Musical

Book by Music by Lyrics by

Neil Simon Marvin Hamlisch David Zippel

Lucy, the twelve-year-old daughter of

Paula McFadden, a pretty ex-dancer in her mid-30’s

Billy, a dance director

Jenna, another dancer

Cynthia, a girlfriend of Lucy

Melanie, a girlfriend of Lucy

Mrs. Crosby, a large black woman, Manager/Super of the house

Elliott Garfield, an actor

First Man at Theatre

Second Man at Theatre

Cast of Richard III

Audience at Richard III

Ricky Simpson Announcer

Ricky Simpson, a TV exercise show host

• Scene 1: Paula’s Apartment

• Scene 1: Paula’s Apartment

LUCY. — Can you swim in California in the wintertime?

LUCY. — Except he’s not really my father.

GOODBYE TO THE METS

BUT THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS

WHEN YOU’RE IN L.A.

I’LL GIVE YOU A CALL FROM MY CAR

LIVE LIFE ON THE COOL SIDE

(PAULA slaps LUCY “five”.)

PAULA & LUCY. — (Spoken.) Yeah!

LUCY. — (Spoken.) I love my Yukkla shirt.

PAULA. — (Spoken.) It’s not Yukkla. It’s UCLA.

LUCY. — Will Tony take me to a studio?

PAULA & LUCY

WE DESERVE SOME SUNSHINE AND LAUGHTER

DON’T YOU THINK BY NOW WE’RE OVERDUE

TONY, ME AND YOU

PAULA & LUCY

THAT RIGHT OUT OF THE BLUE

ALL OF OUR DREAMS

WILL COME TRUE

WE’LL GO WEST RIDING OFF

PAULA & LUCY

(PAULA is stifling tears.)

LUCY. — What’s wrong?

PAULA. — He’s gone. He left without us.

LUCY. — For California?

PAULA. — For Spain.

Can I read it?

“Dear Paula … this isn’t an easy letter to write …”

Doesn’t start off too good.

(PAULA nods. SHE reads again.)

PAULA. — Never mind. Give that to me.

LUCY. — Ass! I heard the word.

He didn’t leave us anything?

PAULA. — Not even the four hundred dollars he owed me.

LUCY. — This story’s going to be on “Sixty Minutes.”

PAULA. — Dancing? I’m thirty-five. I can hardly walk anymore.

Does this mean we’re not going to California?

PAULA. — (Near tears.) I’m so sorry, Lucy.

(SHE goes into her room.)

IN ON ZEROES I’M LIKE THE ACTORS’ FUND SUPPORTING WANNABE DENIROS

NO MORE RACING TOWARD A HEARTACHE

CHASING AFTER DREAMS