Crucial Conversation Online Toolkit

ONLINE
TOOL K I T
© 2016 VitalSmarts. All Rights Reserved.
14MAR2018
How to use this toolkit
This toolkit will help you take a deeper dive into lessons, provides job aids and
tips to help you use the skills, and gives you space to record your thoughts.
Though the content here is in the same order as on the course site, this
document serves as more of a reference guide to Crucial Conversations
content rather than a follow-along document for the course. Each of the
lessons is broken down as follows:
The Overview: a summary of the skill/principle
The Skills: a detailed teach of the skill
The Example: an illustration of the skill in a case
The Tips: nuances in using the skill
The Big Ideas: a space to record your big takeaways
At the end of the toolkit you’ll find job aids you can use to prepare for your next
conversation.
©2016 These materials are trademarked,

copyrighted and owned by VitalSmarts,
LC. Each student may print only one
copy and it is for that student’s personal
use only. Copying, reproducing, transfer-
ring, selling or otherwise exploiting these
materials is strictly prohibited.
CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS Online | 1
What are Crucial Conversations
and why do they matter?
Anytime you find yourself stuck, there are crucial conversations you’re not
having that are keeping you there. Our focus in this training won’t be on
communication. It will be on results. And what tends to keep us stuck and
keeps us from producing results in our lives, in our organizations, and in our
relationships are crucial conversations we’re either not holding or not holding
well.
When we began our research over two decades ago our burning question
was, “Are there a handful of moments that disproportionately affect
organizational performance, team performance, and even relationship
success?” And if so, what are those moments?
We found that the quality of most of the results—whether stellar or non-

existent—can be predicted by watching you during those moments when
there are opposing opinions about a high stakes issue and emotions are
running strong. We later came to call these moments Crucial Conversations
because our research showed that they profoundly affect many outcomes like
projects, productivity, safety, diversity, quality, and even the happiness and
duration of a marriage. And it’s not the riskiness of the conversation that
determines success or failure—it’s how we handle them.
NS
ST
IO
RO
IN
NG
OP
EM
NG
OT
SI
crucial
PO
I
ON
conversations
OP
HIGH STAKES

The terrible irony is that in these moments, moments that matter most, we
often do our worst. Instead of stepping up and being our best selves when
the stakes are high, we often respond in predictably unproductive ways.
The first unproductive response: We move to silence. We bite our tongue,

withhold our valuable insights, or accept the unacceptable, saying yes when
inside we are screaming no. Or the second unproductive option: we move to
violence—the opposite end of the spectrum. We control, interrupt, lash out,
and become insulting in an effort to compel others to our point of view. Both
strategies lead to poor results and strained relationships.
That’s the bad news. The good news is that it doesn’t have to be that way. In
between silence and violence, on a continuum of communication strategies,
is dialogue. Dialogue occurs when both parties in a conversation share
their views openly and honestly, free from the silence and violence. When
this occurs, a pool of shared meaning expands. The group’s IQ increases,
the collective perspective grows as both parties share their views in a
environment of conversational safety. We make better decisions because we
have more data. Buy-in and unity around those decisions increases because
everyone feels heard.
We’ve spent the last 25 years identifying skills that help people create
dialogue, even when discussing the most sensitive topics. In this course, we’ll
teach skills that help you navigate these very difficult moments. You’ll learn
what you must do before you even open your mouth. Then you’ll learn how to
start and engage in the conversation in a way that leads to healthy dialogue.
And you’ll learn how to end the conversation in way that leads to healthy
unity rather than déjà vu dialogue.
Enjoy the course!
Joseph Grenny
Author of Crucial Conversations:
Tools for Talking When Stakes are High

CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS MODEL
BEFORE WORK ON ME FIRST
Get Unstuck
Start with Heart
Master My Stories
SILENCE
DURING
SAFETY
MY MEANING THEIR MEANING

POOL of
SHARED Learn to Look
State My Path MEANING Make It Safe
Explore Others’ Paths
SAFETY
VIO L E N C E
MOVE TO ACTION
AFTER
Who does What by When
Follow up

LESSON 1 The Overview
GET UNSTUCK
The first mistake we often make during crucial conversations is that we
address the wrong topic, and we don’t even realize it. Two signs you should
watch for that demonstrate you’re on the wrong topic are:
1. Emotions: During the conversation, you find your emotions are

escalating. In other words, when the conversation begins you are a little
frustrated, and as it progresses you are twice as frustrated—that extra
frustration is evidence you might be on the wrong topic.
2. Déjà Vu Dialogue: If you ever have the same conversation with the same
person two or three times, you are on the wrong topic.
The skill to help you get unstuck and choose the right conversation is
“Unbundle with CPR.”
THE BOTTOM LINE IS THIS:

IF YOU DON’T TALK IT OUT,
YOU WILL ACT IT OUT.
Joseph Grenny
LESSON 1 Get Unstuck | 5
LESSON 1 The Skills
GET UNSTUCK
Unbundle with CPR

This skill will help you unbundle complex problems and choose the
conversation that will get you unstuck. There are three levels of a crucial
conversation you can hold, they can be remembered with a handy acronym:
Content. This is the immediate pain or problem. If this is the first time
something has happened, it’s likely a “content” level crucial conversation, or
if you choose to address one episode among many, you would be addressing
the content.
Pattern. In many situations, the issue isn’t about what just happened. It’s that
this issue is a reoccurring problem; it’s happened before.
Relationship. This is when the conversation isn’t about what just happened
or that it’s happened numerous times. It’s when you’re now facing a
fundamental relationship concern—one of trust, competence, or respect.

LESSON 1 The Example
GET UNSTUCK
Let’s take a look at how CPR might apply to the situation below.
Your boss has grown accustomed to asking you to produce complex

reports for her. She’s not asking you because it’s part of your job, but
because you have some background in databases and know how to work
with your system. To make matters worse, it’s often a last-minute request
that takes you away from other priorities. She’s just asked for a “special”
last-minute report that is very time consuming to produce. Not only is
it tough for you to produce, she’s requiring it by 3:00 P.M. today (a time
frame that is way too condensed). To top it all off, you don’t believe it will
provide her with the information she really needs. But she’s your boss,
and if she wants it, she should get it—right?
Let’s take a look at the content, pattern, and relationship issues in this
situation:
CONTENT PATTERN RELATIONSHIP

The report is useless It’s always a last- It doesn’t seem that
minute request your manager values
Today’s request was your other work
last minute Your manager
consistently You don’t feel
demands unrealistic comfortable
time frames speaking up to your
manager
Knowing which of these issues is the right conversation all depends on what
you really want. If you only address today’s episode, you’ll have taken care of
that one concern, but it’s likely to happen again. If you address the pattern,
you may solve some of the issues with the requests themselves, but you
still have an underlying concern about communicating with your manager. If
you’re main goal is to have a good working relationship with your manager,
at some point you may need to have the “relationship” conversation about
feeling devalued and unsafe to speak up.

LESSON 1 The Tips
GET UNSTUCK
Tip #1: Don’t talk solely about content issues when pattern or relationship
issues are the real problem—if you do, you’ll likely find yourself having the
same conversation again.
Tip #2: If you’re unsure the level at which to hold the conversation (C,P, or R)
consider this question: “What do I really want from this conversation?” Focus
on your long-term goals.
Tip #3: Sometimes you may need to address a concern at the relationship
level even though it’s only happened once. There are a handful of rare cases,
such as sexual harassment, safety violations, or abuse, that you never want to
become a pattern.
Tip #4: When addressing a relationship concern, try addressing the content
and pattern issues as factual illustrations of why you see a concern with the
relationship.
Tip #5: Most cultural issues in a family, team, or organization are due to
pattern or relationship issues. Rarely does an issue become an irritant on
culture after the first time.
Tip #6: It’s much easier to talk about content issues than to talk about pattern
or relationship problems. Do yourself a favor and speak up early and often. Not
only is it likely an easier conversation, but you’ll find you have fewer pattern
and relationship issues in your life.
The Big Ideas

Use this space to record your big takeaways.
Type your notes here.

START WITH HEART
The first thing that deteriorates during a crucial conversation is not our
behavior (that comes second), but our motive. The truth is, our unseen
motives drive our outward behavior, often without us being consciously
aware that it is happening.
We often enter a conversation with helpful motives like learning, finding truth,
producing results, and strengthening relationships. But at some point our
motives degrade to unhealthy motives like being right, saving face, winning,
punishing, or blaming. In these moments of unhelpful motives we become
solely focused on our own needs, our own protection, our short-term
goals—and we’ll do it at any cost. These motives keep us far from dialogue
and results as we are mired in silence and violence.
The skill of Focus on What You Really Want will help us stick to our long-term,
helpful motive no matter what happens.
THE REASON OTHERS GET DEFENSIVE

WITH US IS NOT BECAUSE WE LACK
THE RIGHT SKILLS, BUT BECAUSE WE
HAVE THE WRONG MOTIVES. CHANGE
WHAT YOU WANT AND YOU’LL
CHANGE HOW YOU ACT.
copyrighted and owned by VitalSmarts, Ron McMillan
LESSON 2 Start with Heart | 9
LESSON 2 The Skill
START WITH HEART
Focus on What You Really Want

In order to move toward motives that allow for dialogue, you must step away
from the interaction and look at yourself, like an outsider, and ask: “How am
I acting and what does it say about my underlying motive?” As you make an
honest effort to discover your motive, you might conclude: “I’m pushing hard,
making the argument stronger than I actually believe, and doing anything to
win. I’ve shifted from trying to select a vacation location to trying to win an
argument.”
Once you call into question the shifting desires of your heart, you can make
conscious choices to change them. Put succinctly, when you name the game,
you can stop playing it.
How do you recognize what has happened to you, stop playing games, and
influence your own motives? Stop and ask yourself some questions that return
you to dialogue. You can ask these questions either when you find yourself
slipping out of dialogue or as reminders when you prepare to step up to a crucial
conversation:
What do I really want for myself?
What do I really want for others?
What do I really want for the relationship?
What do I really want for the organization?
Once you’ve asked yourself what you want, add one more equally telling
question:
How would I behave if I really wanted these results?
The two reasons for asking these questions are: First, the answer to what
we really want helps us to locate our own North Star—our original purpose.
Second, we affect our entire physiology. As we introduce complex and
abstract questions to our mind, the problem-solving part of our brain
recognizes that we are now dealing with intricate social issues and not
physical threats. When we present our brain with a demanding question, our
body sends precious blood to the parts of our brain that help us think and
away from the parts of our body that help us take flight or begin a fight.

START WITH HEART
Imagine you’re in the middle of a crucial conversation with your high-school-
age daughter. You thought the two of you were going to discuss colleges,
careers, and the SAT tests. But then she announced she’s dropped math and
science and that she’s not going to college. You responded by turning beet
red, yelling at her, and in the heat of the moment, calling her a knucklehead.
She responds in kind.
You pause and realize you’ve messed up. Let’s see how the skill might help in
this situation. You ask yourself:
“What did it look like I wanted in that conversation?”

You acted like your motive was to win, to force your daughter to do what you
wanted her to do. You also acted like you wanted to punish her for dropping
the classes.
“What do I really want for myself, my daughter, and the relationship?”

You want to be a supportive parent with a happy and successful daughter.
You want her to have the means to provide for herself. You want the two of
you to be able to talk about these types of things, and you want her to feel
comfortable talking with YOU about them.
“How would I behave if I really wanted these results?”

You would apologize and clarify to her that your passion came from a longer
term goal of her being happy and successful.

LESSON 2 The Tips
START WITH HEART
Tip #1: You likely won’t learn to do this right away, in the moment, when
you’re motives degrade. If you miss the opportunity, don’t fret. Realize that
most of us learn from failure. Look back at the failed conversation and ask
yourself the same questions.
Tip #2: It’s easy to see what you want for yourself. That’s why the additional
questions are key—they allow you to assess your motive for all the things
outside of yourself.
Tip #3: When asking, “What do I really want for others?” remember that the
question is worded “for others” not “from others.”
Tip #4: Adding the words “long term” at the end of each question can often
add some additional help in getting you refocused on what you really want.
Tip #5: Don’t start talking until you get your motive clear. If you don’t first
change your heart (motive), any efforts to change your actions are likely to be
insincere, shallow, and doomed to failure.
Tip #6: If you have negative or unhelpful motives, do not dive into a crucial
conversation pretending just the opposite—that’s called lying!
The Big Ideas


MASTER MY STORIES
When it matters the most and our emotions kick in, we often do our worst—
and we feel like we’re doing the right thing. In this lesson, we’ll address two
rather bold (and sometimes unpopular) claims.
Claim one. Emotions are not foisted upon you by others. No matter how
comfortable it might make you feel by saying it, others don’t make you mad.
You make you mad. You make you scared, annoyed, or insulted. You and only
you create your emotions.
Claim two. Once you’ve created your upset emotions, you have only two
options: You can act on them or be acted on by them. That is, when it comes
to strong emotions, you either find a way to master them or fall hostage to
them.
The skill of Master My Stories won’t help you suppress negative emotions, but
it will help you address them head on and change them.
THE CENTRAL SKILL FOR TAKING

CONTROL OF THE QUALITY OF
YOUR LIFE AND THE QUALITY
OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS IS THE
ABILITY TO MASTER YOUR STORIES.
copyrighted and owned by VitalSmarts, Joseph Grenny
LESSON 3 Master My Stories | 13
LESSON 3 The Skills
MASTER MY STORIES
The first principle you have to understand is that our emotions and feelings
are not created because of what other people are doing or saying, but rather
created by the story we tell ourselves about what they’re doing and saying.
The model below is called the Path to Action because it explains how
emotions, thoughts, and experiences lead to actions.
SEE & TELL A

HEAR STORY FEEL ACT
First, we see, hear, or observe something happening. We then tell ourselves

a story about it (we make an assumption, create a conclusion). The story
creates an emotion, which then drives our actions.
Since we and only we are telling the story, we can take back control of our
own emotions by telling a different story.
Skill #1: Separate Facts from Stories

Facts are things we can see, hear, observe—things we can measure. Stories
are assumptions, conclusions, and attributions we make from the facts.
Separate fact from story by focusing on observable behavior. For example,
it is a fact that Louis “gave 95 percent of the presentation and answered all
but one question.” This is specific, objective, and verifiable. However, the
statement “He doesn’t trust me” is a conclusion. It explains what you think,
not what the other person did. Conclusions are subjective.
We tend to believe that the stories we tell are facts. We need to be better
at separating facts from stories to help us suspend judgment. Once we
separate facts from stories, we start to realize that with the same set of facts
we could tell an infinite number of stories. We start to give up our original
certainty that our FIRST story is the ONLY story. When our minds open to
alternative options—alternative stories—our emotions change. They move
from judgmental to curious.

LESSON 3
MASTER MY STORIES
Skill #2: Tell the Rest of the Story

Once you recognize the negative stories you are telling, you can stop and
then tell a useful story. A useful story leads to dialogue. What transforms a
negative story into a useful one is the skill “Tell the Rest of the Story.” That’s
because all our negative stories tend to have one characteristic in common:
they’re incomplete. Our negative stories omit crucial information about us
and about the other person.
Here are two introspective questions that help to tell the rest of the story:
“Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?” This question jars
you into facing up the fact that maybe, just maybe, you did something to help
cause the problem.
“Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person
is doing?” This helps you to humanize others. As we search for plausible
answers to this question, our emotions soften, empathy replaces judgment,
and personal accountability replaces self-justification.
“What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?” This
question helps you commit to corrective action rather than settling for
helpless inaction.

MASTER MY STORIES
Let’s say that you were telling yourself a story that your colleague is “lazy.”
Lazy is a story, not a fact. What are some things you observed in his behavior
that led you to this conclusion that he is lazy?
Here are some possibilities:

• He missed half of the staff meetings last month.
• The QA team found twice as many bugs in his code compared to

the average.
• When asked in a meeting if he’d be willing to pitch in to help clean the

third floor kitchen (that he uses), he said, “I’d rather not.”
• He tends to arrive at work around 10 AM, take an hour and a half for
lunch and then leave around 4:30 PM.
These examples are observable facts.

LESSON 3 The Tips
MASTER MY STORIES
Tip #1: When you tell stories, watch out for two common mistakes: 1) In the
absence of data we tend to make things up in the most negative ways. 2) We
pretend as if the stories we tell are facts, and then act on them.
Tip #2: The best way to change someone else’s story about you is to stop
acting in ways that might confirm his or her story to be true.
Tip #3: If you’re tempted to jump into a conversation before mastering

your stories, realize that if you try to address your concerns without first
addressing your emotions, you’ll likely go to silence or violence rather than
dialogue.
Tip #4: To slow down the lightning-quick storytelling process and the
subsequent flow of adrenaline, retrace your Path to Action:
1. Notice your behavior by asking, “Am I in some form of silence or

violence?”
2. Get in touch with your feelings, “What emotions are encouraging me to

act this way?”
3. Analyze your stories, “What story is creating these emotions?”
4. Get back to the facts, “What evidence do I have to support this story?”
The Big Ideas


STATE MY PATH
The way we typically begin crucial conversations often creates a whole new
set of problems. When it comes to sharing touchy information, the worst
at dialogue alternate between bluntly dumping their ideas into the pool of
meaning and saying nothing at all. Either they start with, “You’re not going to
like this, but, hey, somebody has to be honest . . .” (a classic Fool’s Choice), or
they simply stay silent.
Fearful they could easily destroy a healthy relationship, those who are good at
dialogue say some of what’s on their minds, but they understate their views
out of fear of hurting others. They’re talking, but they carefully sugarcoat
their message.
The best at dialogue speak their minds completely and do it in a way that
makes it safe for others to hear what they have to say and respond to it as
well. They are both totally frank and completely respectful.
The skill of State My Path helps us to be able to speak our mind while fully
inviting others to share their perspective (especially when it’s different).
YOU CAN ARGUE AS STRONGLY

AS YOU WANT FOR YOUR OPINION
AS LONG AS YOU ARE EQUALLY
VIGOROUS IN ENCOURAGING
OTHERS TO DISAGREE.
copyrighted and owned by VitalSmarts, Ron McMillan
LESSON 4 State My Path | 18
LESSON 4 The Skill
STATE MY PATH
The framework for bringing up tough issues in a way that minimizes
defensiveness is called State My Path and consists of the following elements:
Share your Facts

Start by sharing the facts—what you saw and heard. This creates a
foundation for the conversation that both parties can agree on.
• I saw . . .
• I heard . . .
• I noticed . . .
Tell Your Story

Next, share your story—the conclusions you’ve drawn from the set of facts.
This helps the other person understand why the issue you’re sharing is a
concern.
• I’m starting to think . . .
• I’m beginning to wonder . . .
• It seems to me . . .
Ask for Others’ Perspectives

Once you’ve shared your perspective, ask the other person to share his or
hers. Be open-ended with your questions, without leading the witness or
asking loaded questions.
• How do you see it?
• Can you help me understand?
• What’s your perspective?
How? With Confidence and Curiosity

How you say something is just as important as what you say. You want to
share facts, tell your story, and ask in a way that is both confident and curious.
Have the confidence to be direct and straightforward with your facts. Tell
your story as a story and not as a fact, avoiding absolutes. Ask your question
in way that is curious and open to other views.

STATE MY PATH
Let’s see how the State My Path skills would work in the following scenario
entitled “Agrees—Doesn’t Deliver.”
You work with a person who prefers to acquiesce rather than disagree
with you—at least, that’s what you’re beginning to conclude. You ask her
if she will do a certain job. She hesitates. You explain why it needs to be
done, and then she agrees—but doesn’t do it. This has happened with the
last three commitments you have gotten from her.
Each time, she’s left you an e-mail or note saying she’s sorry, but always
after it was too late. You think she’s afraid to tell you no, pretends to
agree, and then purposely leaves messages so she won’t have to tell you
face-to-face.
A script using the State My Path skills might sound like this:
FACTS: I noticed with the last three commitments I’ve given you that you
hesitated when I asked you. Yßou agreed to do them, but weren’t able to
complete them. I received notes from you but not until after the date.
STORY: I’m beginning to wonder if you have some concerns about these
tasks, but you’re afraid to tell me when we meet.
ASK: Can you help me understand your perspective on this?

LESSON 4 The Tips
STATE MY PATH
Tip #1: Avoid “hot” words like “liar” or “loser.” Instead, describe the specific
behaviors or actions you observed.
Tip #2: The measure of a good question is the degree to which it invites
different perspectives.
Tip #3: Don’t pile on the facts. Don’t share ten facts when three will do.
Tip #4: Only share your story when the situation is more complex (pattern
and relationship issues). For content level issues, share your facts and then
ask for the other person’s perspective.
The Big Ideas


LEARN TO LOOK
In truth, most of us do have trouble dual-processing (simultaneously
watching for content and conditions) during crucial conversations. We
get so caught up in what we’re saying that it can be nearly impossible to
pull ourselves out of the argument in order to see what’s happening to
ourselves and to others. Even when we are startled by what’s going on,
enough so that we think, “Yipes! This has turned ugly. Now what?” we may
not know what to look for in order to turn things around. We may not see
enough of what’s happening.
So what do you look for when caught in the middle of a crucial conversation?
What do you need to see in order to catch problems before they become too
severe? Actually, it helps to watch for signs of silence and violence in yourself
and others. The sooner you can notice you’re not in dialogue, the quicker you
can get back to dialogue and lower the cost.
WE GO TO SILENCE BECAUSE WE
DREAD CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS.
WE GO TO VIOLENCE BECAUSE
WE’RE UNSKILLED AT HOLDING
CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS.
copyrighted and owned by VitalSmarts, Al Switzler
LESSON 5 Learn to Look | 22
LESSON 5 The Skill
LEARN TO LOOK
As people begin to feel unsafe, they start down one of two unhealthy paths.
They move either to silence (withholding meaning from the pool) or to
violence (trying to force meaning in the pool). That part we know. But let’s
add a little more detail. The skill is to learn to look for signs of silence and
violence in yourself and others.
Silence
Silence consists of any act to purposefully withhold information from the
pool of meaning. It’s almost always done as a means of avoiding potential
problems, and it always restricts the flow of meaning. Methods range from
playing verbal games to avoiding a person entirely. Three common forms of
silence are masking, avoiding, and withdrawing.
Masking consists of understating or selectively showing our true

opinions. Sarcasm, sugarcoating, and couching are some of the more
popular forms.
Avoiding involves steering completely away from sensitive subjects. We

talk, but without addressing the real issues.
Withdrawing means pulling out of a conversation altogether. We either

exit the conversation or exit the room.
Violence
Violence consists of any verbal strategy that attempts to convince, control,
or compel others to your point of view. It violates safety by trying to force
meaning into the pool. Methods range from name-calling and monologuing to
making threats. Three common forms are controlling, labeling, and attacking.
Controlling consists of coercing others to your way of thinking. It’s

done through either forcing your views on others or dominating the
conversation. Methods include cutting others off, overstating your facts,
speaking in absolutes, changing subjects, or using directive questions to
control the conversation.
Labeling is putting a label on people or ideas so we can dismiss them

under a general stereotype or category.  
Attacking speaks for itself. You’ve moved from winning the argument to
making the person suffer. Tactics include belittling and threatening.

LEARN TO LOOK
Let’s review some examples of what silence and violence might sound like if you
heard them.
Silence
“I think your idea is, uh, brilliant. Yeah, that’s it. I just worry that others
won’t catch the subtle nuances. Some ideas come before their time, so
expect some, uh, minor resistance.”  
Meaning: Your idea is insane, and people will fight it with their last breath.
“Speaking of ideas for cost cutting—what if we diluted the coffee? Or

used both sides of our copier paper?”
Meaning: If I offer trivial suggestions perhaps we can avoid discussing

sensitive things like staff inefficiency.
Violence
“We tried their product, but it was an absolute disaster. Everyone knows
that they can’t deliver on time and that they offer the worst customer
service on the planet.”
Meaning: I’m not certain of the real facts, so I’ll use hyperbole to get your
attention.
“You’re not going to listen to them are you? For crying out loud! First,
they’re from headquarters. Second, they’re engineers. Need I say more?”
Meaning: If I pretend that all people from headquarters and all engineers
are somehow bad and wrong, I won’t have to explain anything.

LESSON 5 The Tips
LEARN TO LOOK
Tip #1: Think of the people, places, or situations where you tend to go to
silence or violence and plan ways to be your best self in those moments.
Tip #2: Ask colleagues, friends, and family to rate your style under stress
by answering the questions about you, rather than about themselves
(vitalsmarts.com/style-under-stress-12-assessment).
Tip #3: It’s ok to go to silence if it’s a short-term decision and it’s in

preparation for a later dialogue.
The Big Ideas


MAKE IT SAFE
In the last lesson we talked about noticing when people don’t feel safe
(illustrated by their silence and violence). Now it’s time to talk about what you
can do about it when you see it. People go to silence and violence because
they don’t feel safe. Learn to create an atmosphere of safety and you can talk
with almost anyone about almost anything.
THE LIMITING FACTOR OF ALL

COMMUNICATION IS NOT THE
RISKINESS OF THE MESSAGE YOU
WANT TO SHARE, BUT HOW SAFE
YOU CAN HELP OTHERS FEEL
HEARING THAT MESSAGE.
Kerry Patterson
LESSON 6 Make It Safe | 26
LESSON 6 The Skill
MAKE IT SAFE
People rarely become defensive about what you’re saying. People become
defensive because of why they think you’re saying it. Safety is all about the
perceived intentions. The two things people have to believe about your
intentions to feel safe enough to dialogue are:
Mutual Purpose: they need to know that you care about their goals,
interests, and values. And vice versa.
Mutual Respect: they need to know that you care about them as a
person. And vice versa.
Two skills to help create safety when it’s lost are Contrasting and Create
Mutual Purpose.
Skill #1: Contrasting to Fix Misunderstanding

The contrasting skill consists of a “don’t” and a “do” statement that helps
address misunderstandings. When others misinterpret your intent, step out
of the argument and rebuild safety by contrasting what you don’t and do
intend.
For example:
The don’t part: “The last thing I wanted to do was communicate that I
don’t value the work you put in or that I didn’t want to share it with the
VP.”
The do part: “I think your work has been nothing short of spectacular,
and I want to share some ideas to help you work even better.”
Skill #2: Create Mutual Purpose

Create Mutual Purpose helps us create safety and find common ground when
we’re at odds. The four steps are:
Commit to Seek a Mutual Purpose: The first step to breaking the

impasse is to commit to seek the interest of others. “This doesn’t seem
to be working. Let’s see if we can come up with some common objectives.”
Recognize the Purpose Behind the Strategy: Find the purpose by asking
others why they want what they want. “Help me understand where you’re
coming from, what are you trying to achieve.” 
Invent a Mutual Purpose: Combine both goals or look for higher-level

goals. “So, if we can get the project finished on time AND within the
existing budget we’ll both be satisfied—right?”
Brainstorm New Strategies: Find ways to execute on your mutual

purpose. “Now that we’re on the same page, let’s take time to research
©2016 These materials are trademarked, some viable options.”
MAKE IT SAFE
Contrasting
One of your peers is assigned to a project team that you lead. She’s very
talented and you’re glad she’s there to contribute. She’s very busy with her
regular job, but routinely takes assignments from you as part of your team.
She tries to fulfill them, but if her manager hands down an assignment that
competes for her time, your work gets dropped—without you knowing about
it until after the deadline has been missed. This has happened four times in
the last two months. You understand that this happens from time to time,
but it would be nice to be notified before the missed deadline rather than
after. You’ve decided to address this pattern. You bring up the issue and she
responds, “Hey, I’m really busy here. I’ve got a ton of work to do in my regular
job. If you don’t want me on the team, just say so.”
Contrasting statement: “I’m not trying to suggest that I want you off
the team. Your contribution is really important. I do want to talk about a
pattern I’m seeing with deadlines and project contributions. I want to find
something that works better for both of us.”
Create Mutual Purpose

You are a Web team lead who has just received an urgent assignment from
the marketing team. The team is demanding an immediate update to the
customer web resource to address a customer question by the next sales
cycle (in one month). You don’t believe it can be done in such a short time
frame. In fact, even working the team full out and putting other projects
on hold, finishing in a month is right on the edge of impossibility. You’ve
committed to seek Mutual Purpose, and through recognizing the purpose
behind the strategy, you’ve determined that Marketing’s goal is to give
customers access to information they need, while your team wants to come
up with a quality solution and have time to implement it. How would you
invent a mutual purpose and brainstorm new solutions?
Mutual Purpose:
• Satisfy the customer
• Meet revenue goals
Brainstorm new strategies (how you’ll get there):
• Get the client a BETA version now and complete the rest in stages
• Divert resources from other areas for a short time to help

LESSON 6 The Tips
MAKE IT SAFE
Tip #1: When creating Mutual Purpose, if you do the first step right, you’ve
created an interim mutual purpose (to stop digging in), which helps create an
environment to start looking for a longer term mutual purpose.
Tip #2: Do not skip the second step of Create Mutual Purpose. It might be
the most important because it’s the first time in the conversation where
you’re showing more interest in what the other person wants than in what
you want.
Tip #3: Be careful not to skip the brainstorm step in Create Mutual Purpose
until both parties feel like the goal is mutual. If you notice more digging in or
giving in, it’s evidence you need to go back a step or two.
Tip #4: Don’t settle for compromise when you notice you’re at odds. Try
the four steps of Create Mutual Purpose first and you’ll find you need to
compromise a lot less often.
Tip #5: Creating safety isn’t just something you do in a conversation, it’s
something you do through your behavior over time. Consider ways you can
show mutual purpose and respect in your actions.
The Big Ideas


EXPLORE OTHERS’ PATHS
The purpose of exploring others paths is to create safety when others aren’t
sharing their meaning. Sometimes it can require patience on our part. There
are times when others are in silence or violence and we have no idea why.
We’re left to guess what’s causing their concerns and thus what safety skill to
apply. Rather than guessing, use these skills to get to the root of why people
feel unsafe. The goal is to help others feel safe enough to start sharing their
facts (rather than just feelings or stories)—what actually happened that
made them feel unsafe.
THE BEST PREDICTOR OF YOUR

ABILITY TO GET TO DIALOGUE IS
THE AMOUNT OF CURIOSITY YOU
BRING TO THE CONVERSATION.
copyrighted and owned by VitalSmarts, Joseph Grenny
LESSON 7 Explore Others’ Paths | 30
LESSON 7 The Skill
To encourage others to share their path, we’ll use four power listening tools
that can help make it safe for other people to speak frankly. We call the
four skills power listening tools because they are best remembered with the
acronym AMPP:
Ask
Mirror
Paraphrase
Prime
Ask: We start by asking. This is similar to the skill we learned in State My

Path—we ask for the other person’s path, showing genuine interest.
“What’s going on?” 
“I’d really like to hear your opinion on this.” 
Mirror: In Mirroring, we reflect the hints the other person is giving us (facial
expression, tone of voice, etc.) to show our concern for understanding. We let
the other person know we see something that leads us to believe he or she has
additional thoughts or concerns to share.
“You say you’re okay, but by the tone of your voice, you seem upset.” 
“You look nervous about confronting him. Are you sure you’re willing to do
it?”
Paraphrase: Paraphrasing isn’t parroting—just repeating back exactly

what the other person said. Paraphrasing means putting the other person’s
concern into your own words in a more abbreviated form to show you’re
trying to understand his or her view.
“Let’s see if I’ve got this right. You’re upset because I’ve voiced my concern
about some of the clothes you wear. And this seems controlling or old-
fashioned to you.”
Prime: Prime is meant to help when you’re getting nowhere. The idea here
is like priming a hand pump—you often have to pour a little water in to get
it running. Sometimes you have to offer your best guess at what others are
thinking or feeling before you can expect them to talk about it. It makes them
feel safe to know that you’re willing to bring it up.
“Are you concerned that I said that purposely to make you feel bad?”

See an example of Melanie using the AMPP skills in a situation where
Michelle is clearly feeling unsafe. They are walking out of a meeting and
Michelle angrily questions Melanie:
Michelle: What just happened in there? [Angrily folding her arms.]
Melanie: I’m not sure what you’re talking about.
Michelle: Like you don’t know! You’re supposed to be my friend, and then
you pull a stunt like that? You know what, never mind. I’ll just deal with
this on my own. [Turning and about to walk away.]
Melanie: What exactly did I do? I’d really like to hear what you have to
say, so that we can address whatever’s wrong. (Ask)
Michelle: It DOESN’T matter. [As she folds her arms and rolls her eyes.] 
Melanie: From the way you’re talking, it seems like it does matter.
(Mirror)
Michelle: Well, how would you feel if someone turned on you in the
middle of a meeting and then acted all innocent?
Melanie: You think I purposely did something to harm you, and now I’m
pretending nothing happened? (Paraphrase)
Michelle: Something like that.
Melanie: When you were talking about your numbers and I asked a
question about where you got a couple of them, did you think I was
attacking you. Is that it? (Prime)
Michelle: Of course. We talked about presenting a united front, and then

you started asking tough questions. I was looking for support. But then it
started to feel like you were on the other side of the argument.

LESSON 7 The Tips
Tip #1: To avoid overreacting to others’ stories, stay curious. Give your brain
a problem to stay focused on. Ask: “Why would a reasonable, rational, and
decent person say this?” This question keeps you retracing the other person’s
Path to Action until you see how it all fits together.
Tip #2: If you have asked, mirrored, and paraphrased and the other person
is not responding, you may want to back off. These skills are about inquiry,
not inquisition, and continuing to push can make you seem like a pest or just
plain nosey.
Tip #3: When others are acting out their feelings and opinions through
silence or violence, it’s a good bet they’re starting to feel the effects of
adrenaline. Even if we do our best to safely and effectively respond to the
other person’s verbal attack, we still have to face up to the fact that it’s going
to take a little while for him or her to settle down.
The Big Ideas


MOVE TO ACTION
Now let’s take a look at the final step. You’ve engaged in healthy dialogue,
filled the pool of meaning, decided how you’re going to draw from the pool,
and eventually come to some decisions. It’s time to do something. Some
of the items may have been completely resolved during the discussion, but
many may require a person or team to do something. You’ll have to make
assignments. Doing this skill right will help you avoid déjà vu dialogue.
THE KEY TO REAL CHANGE

IS NOT JUST TO BUILD A
GREAT PROCESS—IT’S FOR
PEOPLE TO HOLD EACH OTHER
ACCOUNTABLE TO USE THE
PROCESS. AND THAT REQUIRES
CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS.
Ron McMillan
LESSON 8 Move to Action | 34
LESSON 8 The Skill
MOVE TO ACTION
We like to use the acronym of WWWF.
Who? 
Does What? 
By When? 
How will you Follow up?
Who?
If you don’t make an actual assignment to an actual person, there’s a good
chance that nothing will ever come of all the work you’ve gone through to
make a decision. When it’s time to pass out assignments, remember, there is
no “we.” “We,” when it comes to assignments, actually means, “not me.” It’s
code. Even when individuals are not trying to duck an assignment, the term
“we” can lead them to believe that others are taking on the responsibility.
Assign a name to every responsibility.
Does What?
Be sure to spell out the exact deliverables you have in mind. The fuzzier the
expectations, the higher the likelihood of disappointment. To help clarify
deliverables, use Contrasting. If you’ve seen people misunderstand an
assignment in the past, explain the common mistake as an example of what
you don’t want. If possible, point to physical examples. Rather than talk in the
abstract, bring a prototype or sample.
By When?
Instead of giving a deadline, we often point to the setting sun of “someday.”
With vague or unspoken deadlines, other urgencies come up, and the
assignment finds its way to the bottom of the pile, where it is soon forgotten.
Assignments without deadlines are far better at producing guilt than
stimulating action.
How will you follow up?

Always agree on how often and by what method you’ll follow up on the
assignment. It could be a simple e-mail confirming the completion of a
project. It might be a full report in a team or family meeting. More often than
not, it comes down to progress checks along the way.

MOVE TO ACTION
Consider how you can “check in” on commitments and decisions without
“checking up” on people. Here are a few examples:
• Set a regular check-in time for ongoing tasks to see how things are going.
• “I know you have lots of things on your plate, and I don’t want to pester
you, so when and how should we get back together to follow up?”
• “Since you haven’t had a chance to do this before, why don’t I stop by the
day after tomorrow to see if you need anything else from me?”
• Use milestones: “Let me know when you’ve completed your library

research. Then we’ll sit down and look at the next steps.” Note:
Milestones must be linked to a drop-dead date. “Let me know as soon
you’ve completed the research component of this project. You’ve got
until the last week in November, but if you finish earlier, give me a call.”
Remember, if you want people to feel accountable, you must give them
an opportunity to account. Build an expectation for follow up into every
assignment, and talk with the others involved about how they’d like it to work.

LESSON 8 The Tips
MOVE TO ACTION
Tip #1: Assign someone at the beginning of the meeting to be in charge of
recording all commitments made and have them verbally review them at the
end of the meeting.
Tip #2: In 1:1 conversations, consider typing all the decisions made in an
e-mail, have the other person read over the e-mail to confirm they agree with
the items, and then send it to him or her. You’ll have documentation in both
of your inboxes.
The Big Ideas


SITUATION PRINCIPLES & SKILLS
1 Results and Relationships Get Unstuck
are suffering.
Unbundle with CPR
Content
Pattern
Relationship
2 You need to initiate a Start with Heart

Crucial Conversation, or
one is evolving. Focus on What You Really Want for you, them, the relationship, and the organization (your long-term results).
3 You are getting emotional or Master Your Stories—Tell the Rest of the Story 
telling negative stories.
“What am I pretending not to notice about my role in the problem?”
“Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do this?”
4 You have a tough message State Your Path

and need to be honest and
maintain safety. Share your Facts: “I noticed . . .” “Twice you . . .”
Tell your Story: “I’m beginning to wonder if . . .” “It seems to me . . .”
Ask for Others’ Perspectives: “How do you see it?” “Help me understand . . .”
How? Confident and curious: Own your story and avoid absolutes.
5 You or others are not Learn to Look

in dialogue.
For early signs of silence (withholding) and violence (compelling) in yourself and others.
6 Others feel unsafe and Make it Safe

you need to get them back
to dialogue. If it’s a misunderstanding, contrast: If you are clearly at odds, create mutual purpose:
“I don’t think/mean/want Commit to seek Mutual Purpose: “Can we look for
___(their fear/misunderstanding)___.” something we both agree on?”
“I do think/mean/want Recognize the Purpose behind the Strategy: “Why
___(your actual purpose/meaning)___.” do you want _____?” “This is why I want _____.”
Invent a Mutual Purpose: “So, if you get _____ and I
get _____, we’re both happy?”
Brainstorm new strategies: “What ideas do you
have?” “I was thinking it may help if . . .”
7 Someone else is going to Explore Others’ Paths

silence or violence and you
don’t know why Ask: “I want to know what you think about ...”
Mirror: (Silence) “You seem reluctant. Are you sure you’re OK with it?”
(Violence) “Wow, you seem really upset. What’s up?”
Paraphrase: “So you’re saying ____________.”
Prime: “Do you think that ____________?”
8 You’re ready to Move Move to Action

to Action.
Determine Who, does What, by When, and how we will Follow up.
CONVERSATION
PLANNER
Use the following worksheet to plan your next crucial conversation.
Get Unstuck
1. Where do you feel stuck (personally or professionally)?
2. Unbundle with CPR. Identify:
Content Issues:
Pattern Issues:
Relationship Issues:
Which issue do you need to address, and with whom, in order to get unstuck?
Start with Heart

1. What do you really want:
For yourself?
For the other person?
For the relationship?
For the organization (if applicable)?
Master My Stories
1. What stories are you telling yourself about the situation or the person?
2. Tell the rest of the story. Ask:
a. What am I pretending not to notice about my role in the problem?
b. Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?
c. What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?
STATE My Path
1. Create a script for how you will begin the conversation. Start with facts, then tell your story, and be sure to
end with a question that invites the other person into dialogue.
THE FACTS MY STORY THE QUESTION I’LL ASK
Make It Safe
1. What’s the worst possible response you could get with your crucial conversation?
2. What safety skills would you use to address it (apology, contrast, create mutual purpose)?
3. If the other person misunderstands your intent, what is a contrasting statement you could use?
Don’t:
Do:
Explore Others’ Paths

1. How could you use the “AMPP” (Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, Prime) skills to help the other person come out of
silence or violence?
Move to Action
1. How will you establish a way to follow up after the crucial conversation?
Who:
Will do what:
By when:
How we’ll follow up:

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The Overview: a summary of the skill/principle

The Skills: a detailed teach of the skill

The Example: an illustration of the skill in a case

The Tips: nuances in using the skill

The Big Ideas: a space to record your big takeaways

©2016 These materials are trademarked,

We found that the quality of most of the results—whether stellar or non-

©2016 These materials are trademarked,

The first unproductive response: We move to silence. We bite our tongue,

Enjoy the course!

©2016 These materials are trademarked,

BEFORE WORK ON ME FIRST

MY MEANING THEIR MEANING

©2016 These materials are trademarked,

1. Emotions: During the conversation, you find your emotions are

THE BOTTOM LINE IS THIS:

Unbundle with CPR

©2016 These materials are trademarked,

Your boss has grown accustomed to asking you to produce complex

CONTENT PATTERN RELATIONSHIP

©2016 These materials are trademarked,

The Big Ideas

Type your notes here.

©2016 These materials are trademarked,

THE REASON OTHERS GET DEFENSIVE

Focus on What You Really Want

What do I really want for myself?

What do I really want for others?

What do I really want for the relationship?

What do I really want for the organization?

How would I behave if I really wanted these results?

©2016 These materials are trademarked,

“What did it look like I wanted in that conversation?”

“What do I really want for myself, my daughter, and the relationship?”

“How would I behave if I really wanted these results?”

©2016 These materials are trademarked,

The Big Ideas

Type your notes here.

©2016 These materials are trademarked,

THE CENTRAL SKILL FOR TAKING

SEE & TELL A

First, we see, hear, or observe something happening. We then tell ourselves

Skill #1: Separate Facts from Stories

©2016 These materials are trademarked,

Skill #2: Tell the Rest of the Story

©2016 These materials are trademarked,

Here are some possibilities:

• The QA team found twice as many bugs in his code compared to

• When asked in a meeting if he’d be willing to pitch in to help clean the

These examples are observable facts.

©2016 These materials are trademarked,

Tip #3: If you’re tempted to jump into a conversation before mastering

1. Notice your behavior by asking, “Am I in some form of silence or

2. Get in touch with your feelings, “What emotions are encouraging me to

3. Analyze your stories, “What story is creating these emotions?”

The Big Ideas

Type your notes here.

©2016 These materials are trademarked,

YOU CAN ARGUE AS STRONGLY

Share your Facts

Tell Your Story

“What’s going on?” 

“I’d really like to hear your opinion on this.” 

2 You need to initiate a Start with Heart

4 You have a tough message State Your Path

5 You or others are not Learn to Look

6 Others feel unsafe and Make it Safe

7 Someone else is going to Explore Others’ Paths

8 You’re ready to Move Move to Action