Domestic violence against women

The power and control wheel, developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs in

Duluth, Minnesota, shows how domestic violence is a behavioural pattern — and how
abusers may use different tactics to establish power and control. 
 The Cycle of Abuse
Domestic violence often happens in cycles. The cycle of abuse happens when the abuser
threatens violence, abuses the partner, apologises and promises to change, before starting the
cycle again. 
As the cycle shows, abusers may not be actively violent all the time; the mix of both violent
and “honeymoon” phases is what makes abuse confusing — and hard to break away from. It
is a tactic for abusers to maintain power and control.  It is crucial that you recognise the signs
of domestic violence and break the cycle.

Myths & Facts

There are a lot of myths about domestic violence in our society. Let’s dispel some of the
common myths here.

 Myth: Domestic violence is only a momentary loss of temper.

 Fact: To view domestic violence as only something momentary is to minimise the
issue. Domestic violence is about systematic control and abuse of power. 
 

 Myth: Domestic violence happens only in poor families.

 Fact: Domestic violence can happen to anyone regardless of socioeconomic
background.
 

 Myth: Domestic violence is only a slap or a punch once in a while and isn’t serious.
 Fact: Domestic violence is repetitive and habitual behaviour which can take the form
of physical, psychological, social, sexual or financial abuse. Domestic violence causes
serious suffering — not only physical injuries but also psychological trauma and distress.
 
 Myth: Heads of households have a right to control women.
 Fact: Heads of households have no right to control or to limit the freedom of women.
Domestic violence is a grave violation of fundamental human rights. 
 

 Myth: Survivors provoke their partners’ abuse and deserve to be hit.

 Fact: No one deserves to be hit. There are never any excuses for abusing a partner.
 

 Myth: Domestic violence is a private, personal matter

 Fact: The belief that domestic violence should be addressed within the family hinders
survivors from accessing justice. Domestic violence is a crime under the Domestic
Violence Act and must be addressed accordingly. 
 

 Myth: Survivors can always easily walk away from the abusive relationship 
 Fact: Because of the controlling nature of abusive relationships, survivors often find
themselves trapped in the abusive situation. Feelings of shame and the lack of support also
hinder survivors from walking away. 
 

 Myth: If it’s so bad, the survivor would leave

 Fact: Factors such as economic dependence and the fear of escalating violence are
barriers that hinder survivors from leaving. This is why it is so important to have support
systems for survivors. 
 

 Myth: The cycle of violence can easily stop

 Fact: Domestic violence involves maintaining power and control over a partner.
Perpetrators often promise to change, especially after a violent outburst, as a tactic to
control survivors and to prevent them from leaving. However, in many cases, the abuse is
repetitive. 
 

 Myth: Domestic violence doesn’t happen in my community

 Fact: Domestic violence may appear to be absent or hidden because of social norms
that prevent domestic violence from being discussed openly. However, domestic violence
can happen in any community, even if you do not see it happening. 
 

 Myth: Domestic violence  is an anger management issue

 Fact: Domestic violence is about power and control. In relationships, the power
imbalance between partners takes the form of systematic control and devaluing of women.
Domestic violence is not simply the result of impulsive anger; it is often systematic and
deliberate. And there is no excuse for such behaviour. 
Reference:

Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs, United States of America, ‘Wheels’

<https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/>
 Am I in an Abusive Relationship?
Home » Am I in an Abusive Relationship?
It can be hard to tell whether you’re in an abusive relationship, especially if the abuse isn’t
physical. A reason why abuse can be confusing is that abusers often shift the blame, or deny
or minimise the abuse — these tactics are, in fact, part of the abuse. Moreover, an abuser may
not be actively violent all the time, and there can be “good” moments in the relationship,
which makes an abusive relationship even more confusing.

Here are some questions you can ask to assess if you’re in an abusive relationship:

 Do you feel fear, or like you’re walking on eggshells when you’re with your partner?
 Does your partner control you?
 Is there a power imbalance in your relationship?
If you’ve answered yes to any of the above questions, this could be a red flag.

Below are further signs that you may be in an abusive relationship. Do note that the list below
is not exhaustive.

Staying Safe During Domestic Violence

Home » Staying Safe During Domestic Violence
If you’re in an abusive relationship, it is advisable to create a personalised safety plan. A
safety plan outlines practical steps to stay safe and prepares you for emergencies. If you have
children, your safety plan should include them too. 
 Safety While Living with an Abusive Partner
 Safety Planning With Children
 Emotional Safety Planning
 Identify your partner’s use and level of force so that you can assess the risk of
physical danger to you and your children before it occurs.
 Identify safe areas of the house where there are no weapons and there are ways to
escape. If arguments occur, try to move to those areas.
 Don’t run to where the children are, as your partner may hurt them as well.
 If violence is unavoidable, make yourself a small target. Dive into a corner and curl
up into a ball with your face protected and arms around each side of your head, fingers
entwined.
 Have a phone accessible at all times. Save emergency numbers in your phone such as:
 999
 the nearest police station’s number
 WAO Hotline (+603 7956 3488)
 WAO SMS/WhatsApp line, TINA (+6018 988 8058)
 trusted family or friend’s number 
 You may want to save the WAO Hotline and TINA numbers under different
names, to prevent your partner from discovering them.
 Let trusted friends and neighbours know of your situation and develop a plan and
visual signal for when you need help.
 Practice how to get out safely. Practice with your children.
 Plan for what you will do if your children tell your partner of your plan or if your
partner otherwise finds out about your plan.
  Keep weapons like knives locked away and as inaccessible as possible.
 Make a habit to reverse-park in the parking lot or somewhere easy to leave and
keeping your car fueled. Keep the driver’s door unlocked and others locked — for a quick
escape.
 Try not to wear scarves or long jewellery that could be used to strangle you.
 Create several plausible reasons for leaving the house at different times of the day or
night.

 Safety While Living with an Abusive Partner

 Safety Planning With Children
 Emotional Safety Planning
 Teach your children when and how to call 999 and what information to provide (e.g.
name, address, and phone number)
 Instruct them to leave the home if possible when things begin to escalate, and where
they can go.
 Create a code word that you can say when they need to leave the home in case of an
emergency  — make sure that they know not to tell others what the secret word means.
 In the house: identify a room they can go to when they’re afraid and something they
can think about when they’re scared.
 Instruct them to stay out of the kitchen, bathroom and other areas where there are
items that could be used as weapons.
 Teach them that although they want to protect their parent, they should never
intervene.
 Help them make a list of people that they are comfortable talking with and expressing
themselves to.
 Enrol them in a counselling program.  

Emotional safety planning

How to Have These Conversations
 Let your child know that what’s happening is not their fault and that they didn’t cause
it. 
 Let them know how much you love them and that you support them no matter what. 
 Tell them that you want to protect them and that you want everyone to be safe, so you
have to come up with a plan to use in case of emergencies. 
 It’s important to remember that when you’re safety planning with a child, they might
tell this information to the abusive partner, which could make the situation more
dangerous (eg. “Mom said to do this if you get angry.”) 
 When talking about these plans with your child, use phrases such as “We’re practising
what to do in an emergency,” instead of “We’re planning what you can do when
dad/mom becomes violent.”
 Your emotional wellbeing is important. Here are some tips to protect and maintain
your emotional health while in an abusive relationship. 
 Seek Out Supportive People: a trusted friend or family member can help you think
through difficult situations and explore potential options.
 Identify and Work Towards Achievable Goals: An achievable goal might be
calling the WAO Hotline. You don’t have to do anything you aren’t comfortable with
right now, but taking small steps can help options feel more possible when you are
ready.
 Create a Peaceful Space for Yourself: Find a place where your mind can relax and
feel safe.
  Remind Yourself of Your Great Worth: You are important and special. It is never
your fault when someone chooses to be abusive to you, and it is not a reflection of
your worth as a person.
 Be Kind to Yourself: Take time to care for yourself, even if it is only for a few
minutes every day. It’s healthy to give yourself emotional breaks and step back from
your situation sometimes.

Getting justice from domestic violence

Reference
https://wao.org.my/what-is-rape/