MIS-EN-SCENE

Written by

Inez Crame

Date Commenced 12 April 2002

Characters:

Our Heroine (Heroina)

She is a spiritual person, gifted in this sense but does not know how to use this gift. She is
young and inexperienced in life but tries hard to experience life, trying to learn objectively
before using her learned skills in practice. Intelligent but lazy in her thinking – easily
distracted.

Her Ex/Soulmate
Rational but yet spiritual. Strong willed but sensitive. Opinionated. Acts quickly but
doesn’t see consequence of his actions until the deed has been done. Still has to learn life
experience.

J
The rational friend.

N
The spiritual accomplice.

M
The inexperienced young friend, kind but strong.

C
Psychologist friend.

B
Past friend. Soft spoken, sweet.

Cc
Old friend, spiritual yet rational

Mt
Interesting character, spiritual, Beatle fan.

Themes:
• Spirituality
• Relationships
• Freedom
• Growth

Prologue:

Set in a time and place to be imagined by our readers, this novel sets us in the mind of a
young girl who has recently experienced a relationship break up. The main character is
given a generic name to allow the reader to step into her place while reading the book.

The title “Mis-en-scene” is a cinematographic term meaning “a scene within a scene”. The
writer tries to embellish this visual term into a written style.

Mis-En-Scene 2
Our heroine sits on the bench, waiting for her train. She looks back upon the days events
searching for answers. She had been told to look for signs, and here, now, she sits reliving
the days events.

Awake before her alarm rings, she slowly woke up after an unusual dream – eyes half
closed, still snuggled under her blanket, she tries to piece her dream together. Three parts
in one – beginning with climbing up a mountain – below her a valley, surrounding her,
rocks, trees and rivers. She struggled to the top, handling each rock with determination
and upon reaching the zenith, a breathtaking view engulfed her senses. Greeness and
mist hovered below and to her right the sun was creeping its way to the horizon, its halo of
light reached out and lightly touched the mountain tops, caressing each tip with its golden
ray. Le deuxieme - It is medieval England and she is a male poet, huddled beside a
marvellous tarpaulin tent. Men are after this young poet and she, as he, is running away.
The motive? – The king and his men want to capture him to stop him from displaying his
poetry around the village. The male poet is quick witted and escapes the chase. Upon his
escape, his eyes divert to the tent and upon hearing voices from within, a modern thought
“How do they hear the speaker without audio visual equipment?” passes through our
heroines mind. Le troisieme – flashbacks of childhood pictures float through her mind.
Places of where she grew up as a child, watching herself grow as if watching a film.

And this is the morning our heroine awakes to – one indicating a struggle with a reward, a
chase and fond memories.

The rest of the morning continues as any other earthly day. The monotonous routine of
train to work, secretarial duties, lunch and then work again. Today, she has scheduled to
meet a friend of hers, J, for lunch. Most of the hour was filled with talk of heroina’s recent
breakup. A split only one week old in her heart but six months old in her mind. It is upon
her final tête a tête upon this subject that she focuses on an old lady standing behind J,
desperately trying to ride herself of a piece of chewing gum from between her fingers. She
tries with utter obstinance to flick this morsel from her fingers finally after much trial,
succeeding. Heroina likened her situation to that piece of gum and hoped she would be as
determined as that old lady in releasing herself from this situation.

As the train arrives, our heroine decides that this is sign number one.

Aboard the train, she wishes she has a pen and paper to write down these ideas. She
quickly boarded the train and sat at the first seat free next to another lady. She looks over
to see if this passenger may have the materials she is after. Judging by the size of the
lady’s bag, Heroina decides she can’t accommodate her needs. Giving up, Heroina
continues with a magazine she has with her. The passenger beside Heroina catches her
attention, beholding in her possession the wished upon pen and paper.

This is sign number two.

Our heroine begins to ponder upon these two occurrences. They are two signs – two
coincidences that have reflected her thoughts almost perfectly. The polarity of the
situation raised questions in her mind. Were these signs or was it through autosuggestion
that made these occurrences happen?

A friend of hers, N, has recently been studying a course in “Miracles”. One of the concepts
is of the collective consciousness, where we, as individuals share our thoughts in one
metaphysical mind. Did our heroine, thinking of the pen and paper unconsciously choose
this passenger to sit by, somehow knowing that she has such possessions?

This shall be examined further.

Mis-En-Scene 3
Upon retiring to bed, Heroina’s thoughts diverted to her lost love. She wondered upon his
activities and if he is thinking about her. Her comfort came to her through the sound of
hearing a favourite song of his being played on the radio. She believed, that in the
collective mind, he was thinking of her and this was the third sign for the day.

This last thought before sleep manifested in her dream. She is with her ex and as they
walk, he places his arm around her, but as she reciprocates the gesture, he is numb and
pulls away. This dream is still on her mind upon waking and consciously she asks herself
“If dreams are windows to our souls AND we are of a collective consciousness, does my
dream reflect his true feelings?”

(research on Freud & Jung concepts on love and rejection)

This thought disturbed her greatly and a dull ache began on her forehead. She wishes to
crawl back into bed but she has to get up.

Throughout the morning she reflects upon the past three years of her one and only
relationship. She had identified it with her grandmothers romanticised tales of her
grandparents relationship. Both relationships seemed to be of soulmate quality. Her
grandfather had not always been faithful to his wife but they shared a love so great that
they were able to work through these troubles. Heroina’s ex had been her soulmate for the
term of their relationship. Promises of love and marriage has peppered their partnership
but when the time had come to settle upon these promises, they had decided they were
too young and inexperienced and broke off the relationship instead. They had tried to
remain friends since this decision but found it difficult to “grow” being around each other.
During this time they often fought, growing apart more than growing as individuals, thus
they agreed not to contact each other and this was the first week of ex-communication.

The dream still lingered on her mind and she began to doubt the feelings they had once
shared. Her view of the past is distorted with anger and pain but still underlined with love.
Always love. She had maintained over the years that one couldn’t be angry with another
unless they truly loved each other. So maybe, after all, maybe he didn’t love her, for now,
only one week into their “true” break up he was seeing someone else. She didn’t have to
be told. In this collective consciousness and through their bond of “soulmateship”, she
knows this is true. And she has no control. All she can do is move forward and onward,
accepting that what she once had is now lost - maybe not forever, but for now.

Bottled up energy resulted in an explosion of questions swimming in her mind, blocking out
thoughts of her pending exam. Why do men have to feel that commitment cannot given
them freedom? Why cant two people grow as individuals in a relationship?

(Freedom & individualism - research philosophical theories)

*************************

Before her exam, Heroina waits with the multitude of students. She finds a seat next to a
young girl of ethnic origins. Pondering on the nationality of the girl, her ears pick up the
beginning of a conversation to her right. Echoing her thoughts, the conversation continued
with one of the boys asking another on his nationality. The conversation paralleled her
train of thought. She had been part of the conversation even before it had begun.

Mis-En-Scene 4
Following the exam, Heroina met up with M to study for the afternoon. Study seemed to be
the second of their concerns, while Heroina dwelt upon her ex, M was having problems with
her current beau. Heroina identified with M. M was at the stage of her 3 year relationship,
similar to Heroina’s experience six months earlier. (expand?)

Heroina’s final judgement, at the termination of her relationship seems unjustified.

Another female would have reacted in the same way. If one is faced with lies, one has to
find the truth. Pain could not be avoided.

Even though the future looks dim, Heroina still hopes for her soulmate to return to her. As
was prophesied in their hearts earlier in their relationship, they knew what was to happen.
The prophesy of their return to each other, only time can tell.

On their way through the city, M & Heroina passed a bridal party having their pictures
taken. As a reflection of their conversation they passed two more bridal parties. Heroina
observed these thought parallels – Is the future still hopeful? Are these signs of Fate,
leading her onward?

(research Fate & Destiny – soulmate – Plato – 2 halves moulded together)

After the full day behind her, Heroina fell into a luxurious sleep. Her relationship worries
were reflected once more in her nightly revel. She sits at the computer and the phone
rings, her ex is on the mobile and asks her to call him. Obligingly, she does only to have
him say he has to go and he shall call later. She didn’t care and continued her work. The
clock marked 7.45pm when she began to feel uneasy and tired. She wished he would call
soon as she wanted to go to bed. As she packed up her things, the phone range and her
mother passed the phone over to her. He ex’s voice filled the receiver and greeted her
casually. “I know why you have called”, she said, “You don’t need to explain anything to
me.” He, somewhat taken aback, takes a breath, and she cuts in, “I can tell you have a
guilty conscious.” Still lingering on her first comment, he tries to change the subject.
Contradicting herself, “What happened? Tell me.” And he told her the four words an ex
never wants to here “I slept with her.” Contradicting her emotions, her anger dissipates.
Her feelings are mixed but she keeps calm. She is curious to know how it was, as they had
only ever been with each other, when he breaks through, “But I still love you.” Her pulse
starts to race and she wants to scream! “This is not love – you can’t hurt someone you
love like this.” and the dream ends – click.

Heroina has contradicted herself. He must love her so he can hurt her. Or she loves him
more because she feels so hurt.

(research contradiction, love and pain – Berkley?)

Slowly she wakes up. She is aware that in this last part of the dream she was in semi-
consciousness and could feel her physical body breath relaxingly, mouth part open, limbs
heavy. This was the first morning all week she wakes up calm. No fast heart beat, no
thoughts of jealousy. Calmness oozing through her arms and legs, head and heart.
Through this dream confession, Heroina believes that this is a true reflection of his feelings.
He may not have physically been with another female, but is maybe dating another girl,
yet still all the while honestly feeling love for Heroina in his heart. And then, during his
restful sleep, these thoughts swirling about in this one mind, travel to Heroina and he
confesses his deeds. Heroina feels at peace. They both feel at peace. Their soulmateship
survives – even subconsciously. Each one will know of the others actions – said or unsaid.

Mis-En-Scene 5
This peaceful feeling lingered for all of five minutes until gruesome thoughts of him being
with another festered in her mind. All her energy concentrated on these thoughts and
impaired her natural state. For two days these thoughts ate at her mind and body – she
couldn’t eat, sleep nor work properly. Her nerves ran tight and she jumped each time the
phone rang. Her head felt swollen, her eyes illuminated with the look of madness as these
thoughts filled her whole mind and soul. Never before had she be consumed by such
emotions. The anticipation of finding the real truth had seeped deep into her system. It
wasn’t until McFate (to borrow a term from Humbert Humbert) stepped in was her
anxiousness kerbed.

She has thought quietly to herself that just speaking to her ex would erase these foul
thoughts and troubled nerves. It was the fate of a prank telephone call that wielded him to
call her. Initially she was abrupt but softened to hear his voice. Tenderness and honestly
reflected in his tones. He had been on a date, yes – was asked out, he said – but she was
shallow. Heroina’s heart skipped a beat. They were still friends – connected if only with a
bond they once shared. Her mind was put to rest. Her love for him grew but she had to be
careful to be let it engulf her as it once had. It was over for now. She must continue with
her life and with her future loves.

During the course of the day, Heroina held in her possession three 50c commemorative
coins. These coins were limited in production and to have three in one day signalled to her
the past, the present, and the future. For she had spent two coins that morning, and one
was kept in her wallet. The future that is to come shall be wonderful and beautiful.

********

For the next few days Heroina resumed her life with gusto. Inwardly she still pondered
upon her feelings and outwardly she shone brightly, enjoying her work and study, and
concentrated on filling herself with beautiful light to cleanse her dark moods and
apparitions.

(Research on positiveness and inert well being)

On this particular day, Heroina had scheduled lunch with C. C had initially introduced
Heroina to her soulmate and throughout their courtship, had been a good friend to both. C
had celebrated her one year of courtship with her beau and they had recently talked about
marriage. This topic cropped up during their lunchtime chatter and their discussion turned
into a pro and con judgement of relationships.

Both having experienced being single and being a partnership, they agreed upon each
having positive and negative aspects. Faced with the prospect of marriage, C knows she
isn’t ready to settle into a life long commitment.

Commitment has the connotation of being “tied down”; an antonym for freedom; having to
answer to another person; not being able to experience life. And here, we have a
contemporary view of relationships. Yes, we love being with another person, we love the
physical bond that is shared, we love learning about another person and we are not afraid
of commitment BUT freedom! People always try to salvage this feeling of being free! To
make our own decisions – to choose what we want and when we want and why we want it.
Why does a relationship bring such ball and chains? Freedom – the symbol of a utopian
relationship – can it be done? Can couples have such freedom and still be in a
relationship?

Couples have started living together before marriage, following the philosophy – “You don’t
know someone until you live with them”. How long does it take someone to show their
true characteristics?

After facing such questions, Heroina begins to regard the breakup as a blessing -
disguised as a cocktail lounge with red woollen couches; European vacations; going out
with friends and experiencing life – all symbolised FREEDOM!

Walking back to work, it occurred to her what she had gained through this breakup. She
hasn’t lost anything. She shouldn’t feel that she was left high and dry – in no way should
she feel vacant, empty or void – she has gained FREEDOM! The world around her still
revolves, people still go about doing their business and their life. And now she, as an

Mis-En-Scene 6
individual, can do ANYTHING! She no longer has the chains of a relationship tugging at her
when she is invited out – no longer does she have to see if her partner has made plans for
them both – she can go anywhere and do anything and BE whoever she wants to BE!

She felt as if angels had flown down and were gently pulling bricks from her hunched back
and slowly, her posture straightened and she felt wings growing and wanted to fly.

To test out this newfound feeling, she started to picture her ex with another and for the
first time, didn’t feel anger, no pangs of pain - just nothingness. She felt as if she
understood his feelings. It was not a case of not loving her, but just to be free and to feel
this release was all he wanted. They identified with each other at a soul level. He didn’t
know what she was thinking or feeling but in this spiritual essence, they felt the same.

(Coincidences followed Heroina’s thoughts – the day before, during her lunchbreak,
Heroina visited an art show on view in a prominent office building. She casually strolled
through the paintings, portraits and sculptures viewing each piece with artistic delight.
Weaving through this maze, her gaze was drawn to a portrait of a young girl. From a
distance she recognised the person looking back at her. She walked directly up to the
portrait and found the title – “V” – confirming her presumption. “V” appeared pensively
sad, but her beauty shined through the oils and the chalk. On her way to meet C, also a
friend of V, she had been thinking of this portrait. Crossing the street, a man behind her
greeted her – it was the brother of V’s ex-fiance. )

*****

(Interlude)

A painting almost as tall as 5”4 Heroina stands before her. A large valley faces her, yellow
brown cliffs up either side, with scattered trees and shrubs permeating through the rock
crevices. Blue water swirls below, creating circular ripples, shattering the reflection of the
rock walls. She feels as if she can jump from the cliff edge and dive into the topaz blue
water. She takes a step back. She ruffles her wings and spreads them apart. She can
feel the breeze behind her, blowing her hair forward, pushing her body forward and she
leaps. But instead of falling, she is carried into the sky, through the cotton clouds and past
the horizon.

*****

Almost a year ago, N had introduced Heroina into spiritual realm. Years before, Heroina
had developed an interest in spiritual matters and at one stage had been contemplating
the idea of joining an Order. She had pictured herself as a Carmelite, devoting the days to
prayer and introverted spirituality. Although never having visited a Carmelite convent,
Heroina pictured living in an underground maze, deep in a European village, quietly singing
and praying to the Holy One. At times, Heroina entertained these thoughts and always
said to herself, if she couldn’t find someone to marry by 25 years of age, she would marry
God. But Heroina knew in her heart that these were just illusions, dreams of comfort so
she wouldn’t feel alone.

Let us make a distinction between religion and spirituality.

Religious: 1 – Imbued with religion, god-fearing; devout.

2 – of concerns with, religion; scrupulous, conscientious.
3 – of, belonging to, an order or monks or nuns.

Spiritual: of spirit opposed to matter; of the souls especially as acted upon by God; of
proceeding from, God, holy, divine; inspired; concerned with scared or religious
things; ecclesiastical.

By these definitions Heroina does not consider herself religious or even pious. She knows
she is not pure, nor does she always have the best intentions at times, but she is aware of
her humaness which grounds her to earthly values. She sees boundaries in religion but not
in spirituality. Within the spiritual realm, human qualities are explored and revered. The
hypocritical niceties are no longer felt and expressing your emotions are celebrated.

Mis-En-Scene 7
As this definition suggests, to be religious is to fear God, be conscientiously devoted in
aspects of prayer and praise or belong to an order – none of which Heroina’s character
displays. But if we look at the spiritual definition, we see the adjectives “holy”, “inspired”,
“concerned with sacred or religious things” – these descriptions are Heroina. She is holy in
her own way, in search of the Dharma; inspired by the spiritual unknown yet discovered
terra. With these senses she weaves her way through life, mysticism and spirituality guide
her through the rough jungle of emotions.

When N had told her of how to contact angels, Heroina was excited at the prospect of
learning about the unanswered questions of the future. A year before it happened, N had
written a message from an angel telling her about Heroina’s breakup – and now it had
come true. This was not the first sign experienced of true faith. A week after N had been
contacting angels, Heroina had a restless nights sleep. Tossing around, the name Stephen
reverberated in her head with flashes of light blinding her in her sleep. The next morning
on her way to work, she had a thought to go to St Stephens Cathedral to meet someone
who will further her spiritual journey. When lunchtime came she followed her thoughts and
waited for one hour in the Cathedral for this person. No one came. She emailed N and
asked if she had imagined the bright light – she didn’t mention anything of St Stephen
Cathedral, thinking it part of her imagination. The next day she received her satoric reply.
That same day, N had been sitting at home when she received a message to hurry – she
had to go to the Cathedral and meet Heroina – they were to meet someone who would
further their spiritual journey. She looked at the time – 2pm – she quickly dressed and took
a train into the city. As she arrived, N knew she was too late. She saw a young man
kneeling, she looked away, upon turning back, the man had disappeared. She knelt in the
empty spot and was filled with love and light – the Holy Spirit had touched her. Heroina,
reading this email shivered. She could feel the angelic presence, guiding her to believe in
God, to believe in the angels and to know that she is being looked after.

********

Since that moment Heroina’s spiritual senses were awakened. Each time she felt a tingle
around her, or tiny pats upon her head, she knew the angels were around her. It took
Heroina at least six months to nurture this gift. Initially she was scared. She used to hide
beneath her blanket and ignore the flutters around her. She slept with the light for almost
four months and she stressed herself with these musings. Even as much as she tried to
hide, she felt the head pats under her blanket and was much more aware of borderless
spirituality. This angelic energy was around her and she couldn’t escape it. It took her
months to realise how special this gift is. One evening she had a dream – she was
surrounded in bright white light – she felt calm. Then she received immense energy
surrounding her, arms reached from behind her and hugged her, filling her with pure and
intense love. She wasn’t scared. For the first time during these experiences, she was at
peace with herself and this presence enveloping her.

******

Recently, on her way to university, Heroina stopped to have dinner at a restaurant she
normally doesn’t go to. All day she had the idea of going to this place, thinking she will
give it another go as she wasn’t impressed by their offerings the first time. Half way
through eating her meal, she felt a tingling sensation engulfing her body. She knew the
angels were around her and trying to tell her something. “I should try and write this
down”, she thought. But was engrossed in a magazine and feeling lazy. She continued
with her dinner. The energy seemed much more intense that it had in quite some time but
Heroina didn’t know what to do. She often felt their presence but had difficulty in trying to
hear what they were saying. It was 5.30pm and getting late. She had to go. On her way
out, she saw a girl that reminded her of a friend from primary school. They had been close
with two other girls but hadn’t been in contact for 10 years. She called out to her, B?, she
called out softly, just in case it wasn’t her. B turned around amazed to see her – instantly
she recognised her and they chatted for 15 minutes. The whole time, Heroina felt the
angelic presence – the tingling sensation was strong and overwhelming. This is what they
were trying to convey to her. On her way to uni, Heroina pondered on why they met, now,
after all this time? Is something wrong? B is living with her fiance in the same house B
lived during her early teens. I hope she is happy; I hope he treats her well, Heroina
thought. It was so exciting to meet up with old friends. She sincerely hoped they would
stay in contact. Only time will tell.

Mis-En-Scene 8
 ******

It was now two weeks after the breakup had occurred and Heroina felt anxious to see her
ex. He was scheduled for mass duties that Sunday and on the way to the church, Heroina
felt her stomach churning just at the thought of seeing him. But alas! When they arrived,
he had forgotten his commitment, so his mother said, and so she had to take his place.
Heroina felt hurt. After talking to him on the phone a few days earlier, she had understood
that they were at least on talking terms. Obviously this had to be a cover up – he was still
avoiding her. All throughout mass, Heroina couldn’t concentrate – for the whole hour her
thoughts were consumed with trying to decipher his feelings. She realised that it was time
for her to cut all ties and upon arriving home started to pack a little box with the small
trinkets and gifts he had given her over the years. As she filled the box, she felt her
energy being released and past demons crawling back to their caves. Her soul felt light
once more but once she was finished she stood back and felt a wave of uncertainty in her
actions. Should she do this? He had always said to keep all the things he had given her.
How would he react when her received them? She knew he would be upset, maybe even
cry…she couldn’t do that to him. She needed a sign.

She opened up her angels cards and began shuffling. “Tell me what I should do. Is what I
am doing right?”. Four cards fell from the pile - celebration, answered prayer, serenity
and body care. The last two upside down, indicating a block in this area. She didn’t find
solace in these answers. She tried again – this time the body care and serenity cards
dropped from her hands. Serenity. That was how she felt – but it was uncertain serenity.
“Angels”, she prayed, “If I shouldn’t send this box, give me a sign – maybe for him to call
me”. Heroina thought this sign was unlikely to happen and knew that if it did, it would
truly be an angelic sign.

Heroina went on with her day, doing her studies and having a nap. At around 3pm the
phone rang. Her father was asleep and her mother was around the house. The phone kept
on ringing. “Isn’t anybody going to answer it?” she thought. Frustrated, she answered the
ringing phone and was surprised to hear her ex on the other line. They talked for almost
half an hour, acting nonchalant throughout their conversation. He went into a bit more
detail of his date – saying she was still trying to pursue him but he finding her over eager
to please. Heroina found she wasn’t at all upset after hearing about his dating adventure.
Mid way through the call he casually mentioned about getting back together. Heroina had
heard this before. For the first time she felt that she didn’t want to. She knew he hadn’t
changed and she felt much stronger about herself. She wasn’t going to break down again
as she had done in the past. She had thought of how she would like a future relationship to
be and so far this is not what she wanted right now. The phone call ended abruptly, with
someone else needing the phone, and he saying he will call again later on. She not taking
his word but hearing it as a fleeing goodbye gesture, didn’t take him seriously.

This was her sign. She couldn’t send him the box back now. She may keep it under her
bed or in the garage but she couldn’t send it back. She knew he still had feelings for her
and didn’t want to upset him. That sounds like a weak statement, but she knew how
sensitive he can be and in some respects, wanted to avoid a confrontation with him. Did
he still have a hold on her? She thinks no. She doesn’t want to see him nor does she feel
like giving him a call. She is stronger. She can do what she wants with that box and right
now she doesn’t want to give it back. She has removed the past from her daily vision, but
in her heart, as in that box, those feelings linger from time to time but she doesn’t want to
go back. Not now. They are not ready.

*******

It was lunchtime and Heroina was on her way to the Cathedral. She often went there for
solace after a hectic morning at work. The Cathedral was divided into two areas – the main
body of the church and a back area which was circular in design, with a large crystal wall
with water flowing below. There were a few rows of wooden chairs with kneelers where,
after lighting a candle Heroina normally sat and meditated.

It was a purgatorial experience – the relief of being alone, sitting there at the back of the
Cathedral, with the tinkling of water drops from the Baptismal fountain being the only
sound. It was her reflection time. Even just a few minutes sitting on the wooden seats and
kneeling on the wooden kneeler, feeling the hardness, the coldness of the marble floor
beneath her – it was saintly – a complete spiritual abyss where only she existed as a soul –

Mis-En-Scene 9
as well as a reflection of the existential life being the hardness and coldness of life on earth
– the pain and suffering that exhumes us humans only to be released through spiritual
existence.

Mis-En-Scene 10
On her way, there was a large sign on a building opposite – it was informing the public of
the relics of St Therese de Leisiuex are on display. This sparked a memory for Heroina.
Last week while walking around the city she had picked up a yellow piece of paper. She
had seen it lying of the ground and felt compelled to pick it up. She remembered shoving it
in her bag and only two days later did she have a good look at the flyer. It was a novena for
St Therese de Leisiuex. And now, Heroina saw the sign, and knew this was meant for her.

(include background info on St Therese)

****

Recently Heroina had joined the movement of mobile communication. She was now
contactable 24 hours of the day. Until she owned a mobile phone, she had often sat on the
bus or train hearing the beeps and rings of the mobiles around her. Then her eyes would
fall onto someone who for the whole train trip be constantly playing or fiddling with their
phone. She had dreaded the day that she would also be part of the herd, with their failing
memories only to resort and rely on their mobile for phone numbers and diarised events.
She said she would never fall into that trap. But she had - for on her first day, she had
spent the whole train trip SMSing her friends and had fallen under the spell of the mobile.
With its mesmerising green screen and lighted buttons, her eyes and hands never left the
keypad and screen. She had succumbed.

****

Dream: A tiny sponge, no bigger than a finger, with a tiny orifice for a mouth and two slits
for eyes was under her control. She was to look after it. It was sick and still an infant. She
didn’t know what to do. She kept on staring at it, sleeping soundly, ignoring her. She tried
to wake it up by dribbling saliva into its open mouth. Slurp slurp, it just drank it in. She
tried being nice to it and laid it on the mattress. But nothing would do to make the
sleeping sponge wake up or even move. She became frustrated and started to tear it to
pieces. It was just a sponge anyway she thought. But it was a living sponge and when she
tore it, it kept on sleeping, still alive – just like a worm or snake when it is cut in half, it will
keep on living until its brain is cut off from the nerve. She hated this sponge yet even after
reshaping and playing with each torn sponge piece it would go on sleeping frustrating her
even more.

Dream Switch: She is visiting her dad at work. The are standing below the building next to
the coffee shop. Her dad calls out to her to follow him back to his office. He enters the
coffee shop and starts to climb a ladder up through the roof of the store and up into his
office on the 12th floor. She was scared of heights and was unco-ordinated and knew she
wouldn’t make it. But her 60+ yrs old father could and he was getting angry that she
wasn’t following him. She asked the waitress if there was another way up and was shown
some side stairs. She was able to catch up to her father, and that’s when he gave her the
sponge to look after.

******

It was her God-daughters 2nd birthday. She was apprehensive about attending the
birthday party, especially since the God father and uncle is her ex. The party was at his
parents place. She had arrived thinking that maybe he wasn’t going to be there, maybe he
didn’t want to be around two year olds and had decided to go home early. This is what she
had hoped for. But as she walked into their kitchen – there he was. She nodded hello to
him. He was stand offish but yet initiated basic conversation. Heroina didn’t really want to
have much to do with him. She knew this for sure now. He had changed. She didn’t seem
to recognise what she knew of her ex. Just in the space of two weeks since their final
breakup he was only a shell. His arrogance was there; his sarcasm and his jilted knee were
the only clues to his existence.

Mis-En-Scene 11
That afternoon she left their house feeling upset and angry at him but at the same time
she knew that a relationship with him is not what she wanted right now. He had lost
himself entirely to his study and to his new life, his new independent life of which is had no
part of.

She arrived at Cc’s house, feeling plain and unsociable, but she has already committed
herself to going and couldn’t turn back now. For all she knew, social interaction is just
what she needed to take her mind off her ex.

Aldous Huxley, a name people associate with literature, especially his influential novel “The
Doors of Perception” - for Heroina, a name to be synonymous with her new crush.

Let us set the scene:

Six months earlier Heroina and her ex had just began their break. Heroina was at Cc’s
house where there were the usual group of friends with the exception of a new addition.
The group had been playing a bluffing game when the question of a movie came up to
which the participants have to make up a story line. One suggested answer involved the
author Aldous Huxley and his novel “The Doors of Perception”. Heroina had chosen this to
be the correct answer as she knew of no one in the group would be as literally inclined to
devise such an answer.

And now, here we are, six months later, in the same setting, with the same group of
people, playing the same game when the same question and answer reappeared. Heroina
bent over to Mt and asked him “You wrote that didn’t you?”. It was that small sign of
recognition that caught Mt’s attention.

(scientific explanation – from The Natural Philos & Divine Timing)

Throughout that evening they eyed each other off, just as two butterflies flit in front of
each other to gain attention.

That night Heroina’s mind was stuck on Mt. She felt light headed just at the thought of
seeing him. Her body was in love – she couldn’t sleep that night. After arriving home at
midnight, she was already awake 3am and couldn’t get back to sleep.

At 6.15am her alarm rang. As usual she turned it off and curled back in bed for another 30
mins of rest. Suddenly she fell into a deep sleep state, it couldn’t be described a sleep for
she was mentally awake and was aware of her surroundings. Her body tingled strongly
and she heard a name being called out to her “Jesse, Jesse, Jesse, Jesse” rang rhythmically
in her head. Then she saw a train pass by, an old steam train, black with smoke emanating
from its pipe, chugga chugga , whoo hoo, it was loud! Then she saw mist in-front of her
with two small light beams floating from side to side. Feeling scared she turned around in
bed, still feeling the tingles, and heard some footsteps to her bed. Unable to move, she
started to scream, “God help me! I am scared! Help! God” and then the tingling stopped.
She was awake.

She only knew of one Jesse, a guy a work, but she knew if she went up to him and said
“Don’t take the train – something bad may happen” he would think she was strange. And
she had a feeling it wasn’t a warning.

She felt it had something to do with Mt. Last night while playing another board game she
had seen lights twinkling on the board. She had looked to see if it was a reflection from
anyone’s watch, but she couldn’t see where it was coming from. It was a sign that
something very special was about to happen.

******

Heroina had been reading many books on spirituality at this stage in her life, one in
particular spoke about having a power symbol in one’s life. This power symbol is to be
visualised each time a problem seems to be apparent or when one needs confidence and
strength about a certain situation. Thinking about this, Heroina began to think of what she
saw as being her power symbol. She began to look at her numbers – she was born on the
5th, she lived at number 5, and had met her soulmate on 23 May, 2+5 = 5, May being the
5th month. This had to be her number.

Mis-En-Scene 12
 ****

The night reverberated in her mind. All details still intertwined and woven with feelings of
excitement and happiness. Each memory particle danced with joy in her heart and her
soul was alight just as the lanterns shone on that very beautiful night.

He had sparked a long lost cord in her soul – one that seemed lost almost a few weeks ago.
His character was a refreshing change from her ex – Mt was new and vibrant with eyes that
sparkled when he smiled and joked around.

She was excited to be having dinner alone with him. She began to feel somewhat shy and
unsure of herself, unaccustomed to being in such a position with someone she didn’t know
very well. But he put her at ease and made her feel comfortable – of course there were
those uneasy moments when questions sometimes are a bit too detailed and offence is
close at hand, but these moments were rare and Heroina can only look back with an open
heart.

Heroina didn’t realise how much she had taken for granted with her previous relationship.
While her ex was of similar backgrounds, Mt was completely Australian in nature and
eating Korean for dinner seemed to be an apprehensive task that he took to be fun.
Heroina realised how different they are culturally and hoped he would find interesting all
the differences they had rather than see them as a hindrance.

After dinner they walked over the river to come to a Buddha Birthday Festival and from the
entrance of Southbank, little red lanterns were lighting the path inwards. Up ahead was a
large Ferris Wheel, complete with lights, spinning around merrily. Heroina’s heart lit up
when Mt suggested they go for a ride – for this is something that her ex only ever did to
please her – and now she had found someone who enjoyed the ride. She wished it would
keep on spinning and miraculously, they were on the ride for over 15 minutes! Mt was
exuberant! His antics filled Heroina with laughter and which didn’t stop until they had
gotten off.

The night continued with them visiting the large Buddha’s that were in the Piazza. The
sight was amazing with three large gold statues of over 2 metres tall behind five rows of
carnations. On the front row was a long wishing pool with miniature Buddha statues atop a
lily pad and beside each statuette was a small ladle and a wishing prayer:
“ “

Heroina and Mt knelt on the velvet stools in front and followed the instructions, making
mystical wishes and dreams, hoping they would come true.

She couldn’t stop thinking about her new crush. Each minute of the day was filled with his
smile, his laugh, the way he looked at her.

This was how she was feeling when she received a phone call from her ex. He wanted to
see her – even just for a few minutes. After the phone call, Heroina’s emotions started to
form a melange. She wasn’t sure how she felt towards her ex but yet she was filled with
excitement about this new love.

After finding out that Mt had been in the grade above her ex at school and her ex’s
respective new girl had been three years below her at her school, Heroina felt they were
living parallel lives… A soul split in two, moving in the same direction.

Over the following week, Heroina had been reflecting upon her feelings. Her thoughts
revisited her previous relationship. She remembered how fast she and her ex and become
a “couple” – the emptiness she felt in the beginning of the relationship – a strong contrast
to how she was feeling about Mt. There was excitement in her soul – she hadn’t been able
to concentrate such were her feelings towards him. Although her soul was alight, she knew
that he was not her soulmate. Yes, there was something between them, but the openness
and comfort she felt with her ex was unsurmountable. Whether this had something to do
with the intimacy they has shared or just because the had seemed to grow together over
the past few years, she wasn’t sure. But what she had learnt was that she didn’t want to
go back to her ex.

Mis-En-Scene 13
Over the next few weeks, Heroina and Mt saw more of each other. Over the past three
weeks they had watched a movie every Sunday, firstly it was with a group – The Count of
Monte Cristo. They has sat next to each other, sharing the same arm rest, with their arms
and hands almost touching – vibrating molecules almost at the point of meshing.

At this point in time, Heroina was unaware of how much she missed being close to another
person. This feeling was hidden under layers of excitement of meeting someone new and
searching for that familiarity of being with someone.

At their second movie together, they sat alone. During the middle of the film, Mt tenderly
reached over and collected Heroina’s hand and held it between his two hands, gently
stroking it, invoking in Heroina affection and gentleness towards Mt. Slowly, he returned
her hand, and so overcome was Heroina by this amorous gesture that love freely flowed
and she put her arms around him in return. Mt was much more affectionate than she had
predetermined and he kissed her gently on her head. She looked up at him and his head
slowly bent towards her, bottled up tension escaping through their first kiss.

**********

Perspiration dampened on his forehead and his face flushed a deep red reaching the tips of
his ears to the top of his nose. He smiled. He enjoyed her company and when she
mirrored his smile, his eyes sparkled brightly. They were sitting in the sun during a wintery
noon time day, keeping each other warm through their newfound love. He loved to watch
her – each move was an addition to a well imprinted image of her in his head. He noticed
every minute detail, down to her smooth fingernails and small scar on her leg. He
remembered everything she said to him – each word ingrained in his bag of memories,
resurfacing at impromptu intervals throughout the day. She was soft – from her hair to her
skin...she was lovely.. a little darling to call his own.

He was growing onto her. These days it seems that the male falls first and harder in love
than the female. She loved his new facial hair and spent most of their time together
patting his jaw and chin. It had given him character – a new ensemble to enhance his
personality.

******************

Crystal clear images formulate behind foggy memories, clarifying with concentration and a
fixed glaze. She thought of him, how he was and how he is and her thoughts drifted from
the present to the past, recognising familiar traits that she had missed.

She now had a comparison, but she tried not to compare. As far as she could see, her past
and present beaus are of two different personalities yet sharing one common goal – to be
hers. Each one with a different style of winning her – their prize for such a loving
achievement. Rather, she would have neither if the positioning become a tough tug-of-
war. She would choose solidarity, to do her work, to be herself and to engage in all
aesthetics. “Simplicity is beauty” as the saying goes, yet is that vanity to simplify life?
Should she try and fit all happenings into a lifetime? She felt determined to be herself, yet
at this point in time she chose to be with another and conform to his characteristics – for if
all people were as flexible and pleasing as she is, then conflict would be obsolete.
********

She had found herself in a position of netherness. She had wanted to begin her career as a
creative artistic writer, only to find that to follow her dream, she would feel like a loser for
giving up her current Business studies. Her dream would always be there, at least now she
was aware of her goal – the timing was just not quite right.

*****

“God Free Our Soul”

She had tried telling the spirits to go away, but they would not listen. She had felt them
lingering around her each evening at her Grandmothers house. The last night of her stay
there she had said her prayers and went to bed. In the middle of the night she was
awaken through her restless sleep. Her body started to tingle and she felt herself being
pulled deep into the bed – from her head she was pulled down through her pillow.
Struggling to pull herself free, she heard three men chanting behind her in a foreign

Mis-En-Scene 14
language “Yama nate yamana” repeatedly they continued. Instead of calling her angels
she prayed the Our Father and was quickly released.

Later reflecting upon the now, three spiritual connections she had recently experienced,
Heroina believed them to have occurred due to her current relations with Mt. For it was
since they began their flirtations and now relations, she had started to have these
intermittent meetings. She wondered why this was so, but as yet still had no answer.

******************

It was a discovery of self worth. Before entering into another relationship, Heroina had
faced up to her physical cuddliness and knew that her body had its defects. She had said
to herself, if people didn’t like her the way she is, then they are not worth the effort – this
applied more to the male psyche.

She reflected how Mt had been on a diet to “gain a girl” and how she had been anti “diet
for a boy” and the fact that she had been able to attract a male’s attention with her
personality, not using her body as her comfort.

She wonders if Mt will go on another diet.

After breaking up with Mt, Heroina felt a sense of loss. Even though she has initiated the
break – with the only reason that she needed time on her own – she felt that it was a
premature break – partly due to her ex and partly due to her own moral standards – she
couldn’t lie to Mt about her feelings. She cared and was fond of Mt and maybe was
beginning to love him but in the back of her mind she knew that she would hurt him in the
end as her real love is for her ex and her hopes and dreams of them getting back in the
distant future may be closer than she thought.

The past week had flown by, was emotionally tiring yet many questions were answered.
She hoped that Mt had grown through their relationship as she had. She was now a lot
calmer and less possessive than she was throughout her whole time with her ex and she
hoped that she wouldn’t revert back to that evil witch that had started the tear in their
relationship.

Her thoughts flew back to her ex. He tried everything to get her back – from emotional
blackmail to outright distress. He wanted her back badly – and he wanted her NOW.
Heroina felt as if she had been the rope within a tug-of-war and was badly stretched and in
need of a massage. Now that they were on Break No 2, they were both relaxed and
confident in their resurrected love. She knew that her ex loved her, and she was sure now
that Mt only wanted her for her body – the body that she had decided to ignore. Mt wanted
to be more than friends and wouldn’t settle for anything less. Until last night when he
phoned Heroina and apologised for his selfish behaviour and wanted to try again. This
melted Heroina’s heart and soul – she desperately wanted to say “yes” – she really liked
him and wanted to spend time with him but she knew it wasn’t right – she would just be
leading him on and it would not be fair to his current condition and she knew that she was
only going out with him for her own selfish reason – the feeling of being loved and adored
by a young good looking man. For he treated her like a princess – he was her knight in
shining armour and she enjoyed every minute of their time together – she hoped and
prayed that one day they could be friends and share the same moments they once shared
as intimate friends.

And now Heroina is back to where it all began – just over two months ago – alone but this
time stronger – more confident in her feelings and more sure of her identity.

******

Risk (n): hazard; chance of or of bad consequences, loss etc; exposure to mischance.
(vt): expose to chance of injury or loss; venture on, take the chances of.

Chance (n):
1. Way in which things fall out; fortune; casual or fortuitous circumstances or
occurrence, accident.
2. possibility, probability, of anything happening.
3. absence of design or assignable cause, fortuity.

Mis-En-Scene 15
(vt): happen, fall out; (collq) risk

Two words that can be interchangeable, homogenous, but yet one is negative and one is
positive. Heroina is faced on both sides to take a chance, a risk per se, but faced with
both situations she sees them both with negative consequences. Life is full of chances
AND risks –she wouldn’t use the term interchangeably. If something is a risk then the
outcome is usually of negative consequences, but if faced with a chance, then there is a
possibility of a positive outcome. Why then are these two boys using the word “risk” when
opting for her decision? Using such a word cultivates a sense of negatism which would
then lead Heroina not making either choice rather, she would choose neither and live a
solidary life for the next few years.

One asking her to marry, but with the clause of “living in” beforehand; and the other
asking for her time and company resulting in a new long term relationship. Heroina feels
that she is not yet ready to marry her ex, but would rather keep the break going – with the
original terms and agreements; with Mt she would like to keep him around yet knows that a
long term relationship is out of the question as long as there is hope for reconciliation with
her ex at any stage in the future.

This decision is difficult for Heroina – both rely on external factors. In the case of her ex,
she knows that due to cultural values, she would be disobeying her parents if she decided
to live with her ex on his conditions. His persistence is determined and he is comprising to
the nth degree. If she decides not to, then she lives without him until she can make this
decision without any external influences.

When making such tough life decisions, where does one go to look for answers when the
answers lie within yourself? There are only two places which the answer lies – either the
head or the heart. The conjunction “or” is being used since using both avenues to make a
decision is not an option, as they are opposite in relation to each other. Using the head
(logic) and the heart (intuition) in making a decision will almost always give two different
solutions. When should they be used? - in what type of problem/situation? In dealing with
matters of emotion, should one go with intuition? Or should one analyse the situation to
the point of nihilism (and therefore see that there was no problem in the first place)?
Continuing with using intuition, how reliable is intuition in sorting out conflict? Can “gut
feeling“ always result in a positive solution? And is more thought only to lead to more
questions?

The questions continue....

Why must an emotive decision be seen as irrational due to a lack of a logical formula or
thought sequence apparent to others but the perceiver? Emotions can only be described in
the form of electric pulses and/or spiritual forms – there is no hard evidence for an emotion
except through physical stimulation and suggestion. How can this then lead to irrationality?
Let us use physics as an example for physical proof of emotions and their rationality - if
there is a correlation between sequential electric pulses and different types of emotions,
then irrationality cannot be used as a synonym for emotion.

And can an intuitive answer be signalled by a third party? If one relays their problems and
bounce off ideas onto another person, shall intuitiveness still play a part in recognising a
suggested solution as being the “correct” solution? Or is it that another person will place
ones thoughts into a logical sequence and therefore arrive at a solution, consequently
influencing the perceiver’s choice of solution. Influence is always the result when dealing
with logic as when matters are placed sequentially, it is almost always certain that
irrational people will see a rational sequence and due to their irrational thinking cannot find
an rational argument against the others case and therefore are influenced by a rational
solution.

Questions....

Questions.......

Questions.......

Questions........

Mis-En-Scene 16
Reverberate

From

One

Side

Of

my

mind

to

the

other...

Her eclectic beliefs from music to religion to philosophy became her life mantra. She
struggled to balance them with a “socially acceptable” life view of working in an office
environment and studying business, conforming with her parents life plan for her. As
Heroina pondered upon her life goals, she began to think of what the “divine” plan was for
her. She felt on edge with her decisions and thought of her ideal lifestyle – to have a part
time job, and to focus on her inner being through immersing herself in spiritual action and
focusing on her goal of writing. She realised that out of her whims and fancies over the
years, reading and writing were the only two hobbies or interests she had held onto. She
relished in spending days engrossed in a good book or writing bits and pieces of poetry and
thoughts. She has began a literature journal and over the past five years, wrote
sporadically thoughts and poems of her experience in love and life.

Heroina felt that a change was about to occur. Heroina decided that she was going to
focus on what she wants out of this life rather than listening to others. For the past five
years she had listened to her parents – study business – Study Business – STUDY
BUSINESS! and as much as she continued and tried to get into a business degree, it would
never work out (McFate to the rescue!). It was divine intervention when after failing one of
these business subjects that her goal was clarified. She would change her life path. She
used a SWOT analysis and saw her skills as being in the creative and thought department.
(her business subjects did come in handy!) This time she decided to do what she enjoyed
most – philosophy and writing! Heroina had found a course and decided this is what she is
going to do!

******

It was a joint start to an individual end. This is how Heroina was looking at her relationship
now. Her ex has to be re-labelled A as he is no longer her ex but yet an individual in his
own right. They joined together, two individuals, this not time joined as one – but with the
recognition that they have two separate lives running parallel in the collective
unconsciousness. As much as they know their future lives is much more in their reach,
they still have much to learn on an individual basis.

*******

Astral State:

Heroina lay in bed using the mantra she had learnt at the course.

E----gi------p----to------

Mis-En-Scene 17
as she closed her eyes and fell into a restful sleep. She was awaken in the middle of the
night by another mantra reverberating through her subconscious....

Tae ------ rerererererere--------

over and over it continued.

She was aware of the vibrations, electrons pulsating through and around her dormant
body. Slowly, her astral body started to lift and she was inclined at a 45 degree angle –
half in her physical state and half in the astral. She had tried to float forward and up into
the voidness around her but through this darkness emotions filled her astral body and
pulled her back to earth.

A few nights later Heroina has another astral experience. In a dream colours glow vividly.
A young man walks through the door with a long face covered lightly with a beard and
long hair tied back. In his hands was a book which they began to discuss, sitting at a table,
facing each other. They get along famously. Behind him is a window where Heroina sees a
few leaves hanging from a treebranch. To her right is a lounge room and a glass sliding
door. They are in vague existence as she concentrates on this bearded man. He has a
calm and friendly aura. His small mouth widens to a smile as they communicate. No
words were spoken just thoughts transferred through their consciousness.

A third projection procreated in her thoughts. It begins with a dream. While watching
fireworks above a hillside, a crowd is gathered. Heroina is walking with someone. As they
walk from the crowd Heroina and her partner begin to float. Higher they soar until Heroina
overpasses her friend and flies higher into the astral atmosphere. Lying horizontally, she
floats through the void, feeling wind all around her until reaching a dome ceiling. She
floats, spinning on her back noticing a ball of light to her right. The light encircles her as
she spins. She is aware of commands being told to her. Firstly asking for her to call upon
a master, which she does then changes her mind. Then again when she is asked to walk
around her room. She feels scared and uncertain of her environment. Her emotions seep
into her astral state and she awakens.

Dream:
Sitting in a lounge room listening to the wireless. I hear a voice in an Asian mans voice
calling out to me for help. I understand the frequency of the radio is picking up the
vibrations of someone trying to contact me. I am scared and I wake up.

******

Heroina found her Philosophy course interesting. In her first lecture it was a change to
hear people questioning the information given to the class, it was a sure sign
that she was sitting in a class of philosophers! Her English classes were quite
the same – she had the only option of taking Australia Literature, it being the
only lit class at a time after work. Heroina was surprised that she enjoyed the
material as much as she did, having initially low expectations from high school
English experiences.

As the semester progress, she could feel herself fall into the same second semester trap of
laziness. She knew after a few days of a hard slog at work that she would be tired in the
evenings and her studies would suffer. Plus she has so many interests to pursue and she
was in a hurry to start them off. This was her main character flaw that would affect her
career and relationships. She had lazy tendencies and had difficulty in getting herself out
of emotional ruts. These two etches of her character had held her back most of her life.
She was now one step forward in identifying these negative characteristics, but how to
jump the hurdle? She wasn’t sure. If she could be lazy in studying subjects she really
wanted to do, how could she ever have a successful career? Sure, she had ambition to
start something but to continue on the path is the most difficult part of all. What is she to
do?

**********

Mis-En-Scene 18
She wandered through the bookshop wide eyed and in a trance. An ephemeral being
guided her to the source of wisdom. ‘Here you shall begin your knowledge of
life. My your rites of passage begin.’ These words whispered in her ear. She
delicately ran her fingers across their spines, following an unseen energy. She
closed her eyes and concentrated on the vibrations. Her hand stopped upon
a golden spine. Its edgings ornate but not ostentatious. As she took it off the
shelf, the vibrations increased and electrified her body. ‘This is it.’, she
thought and brought it to the counter to buy.

The cover was plain with shimmering letters spelling out the title ‘A Souls Journey’,
author unknown. She closed her eyes and outlined the abrasive letters with her index
finger. Esoteric mysteries, flashes of light and flickers of images passed through her
mind. This book is to show her the way, the truth and the light in conjunction with her
faith in a higher being, an omnipotent God. ‘The Bible was written by man and it
began but here, this book is written by Me’ she heard whispered into her ear. The
book could have been written by Faustus himself, but as she opened the book, light
emanated and glowed before her mystified eyes. Light as it is represented, is
goodness, to walk in the path of light is to follow God, it is the right path. So here she
sat, bathing in these golden rays, filling herself with eternal wisdom. The light was so
bright, that words were never actually read, but the message transpired
telepathically. She learnt the Good News through the voice of an angel.

Mis-En-Scene 19
He held a sinister smile on his face as he handed her the tickets. His jolliness hid his
ulterior motive. The unsuspecting Heroina gratefully partook in this ritual of motives,
unsure of why she has received such a present yet blindly happy to receive it. Apparently
a comedic play, one to fill young, innocent Heroina with joys and laughter, only to burst
with such affectation.

*****

He was her new friend, one who shared a similar unique upbringing as a sole child, part of
a threesome, the spirit of the Holy Trinity. From the moment they met, a spark was
conceived. This spark only to be seen as not an emotional reaction but a chemical one.
They were pulled together in some sort of life field to share a part of life as friends.

This electric spark felt between two people has been labelled as a sort of attraction
between sexes, especially when one has met what they believe to be their soul mate. This,
may be a misinterpreted fact. Heroina has come across many males whom she has
experienced this “spark” , but it was only with her one and only had this accumulated to
something more than friendship. This “spark”, is there to show you that this person is
someone special who will come into your life, one whom you will learn from and influence
in some way. This spark can be felt with people of the same sex, although may be in a
different form. Those who are attuned to feeling this “spark“ can anticipate such an
occurrence upon a first or chance meeting. This will given them indelible knowledge in this
educational experience.

This bright spark is called BJ, one who shares in a similar spiritual vocation as Heroina and
N. He may not be aware of his status as yet but he is a young Brahmin who is awaiting his
Kamala to teach him about life’s lessons. He is in search of the Dharma which he so far
has just read about, but is only just experiencing at this point of his life. We have enlisted
Heroina to help him out with his spiritual journey. He is yet to conceive and believe in the
meaning of life. We beseech you, we are your angels who speak to you. Forgive us for
intruding in your thoughts as you try and write your novel but we have to tell you this so
you know what your purpose is together. Come and pray with us. Let your illusion of life
be one and whole with God. Triumph over evil at every turn in your life – you are special in
your own right. Be true to yourself in all you do. Seek what you want from life and follow
your dream. Be one with God. You are truly blessed.

Their chemical reaction was instantaneous and they clicked immediately. It was as if the
cord was pulling them together. The cord by the name of C.

C has recently broken up with her beau of one year only to meet TC with whom she had a
“spark”. (This spark certainly gets those unaware of its potent value into such ruts). She
and her unofficial TC are still in nihilistic bliss. BJ is TC’s flatmate, two would-be bachelors
if not for the obsoleteness of the term.

**********************

He is the devil in disguise. From his bright blue eyes with clear abandonment to his sleek
brown hair – a figure in black with a soft touch is my devil. He leaves me with his caress, a
pouchy hand on my shoulder, strong arms and a muscular build I envisage to engulf and
surround me. He knows of my present situation, this not being a deterrent, he lures me
through my thoughts and emotions.

I fight – I try and control my thoughts – but he is sleek and slithers into my mind, devouring
my energy from within. I am blind to nay senses and to the world around me. I seek his
hands, his shoulders, his breath upon me. I want to breathe life into him from what is left
from my hollow carcass.

He and his companion filter through our lives. His counterpart my be succeeding, but in
me he shall never win. In truth, his advances are mild, even silent in his actions. It is only
through emotions does he speak his song. Allurement is an advantage during the trek for
the Holy Grail, but is not advancement when head comes to tail.

I lie awake each night and day, my consciousness filled with his face, smile and hands. I
dream my time away as he wills and beguile’s me, away from work, family and my love. I
struggle and fight, the future is yet to be conceived.

Mis-En-Scene 20
Their task is resilient. Their words kind and loving. They are the Messengers of God of
whom all good things come. They speak their words to foreign men, whom all shall
understand. They come to Heroina in dreams, masked as the Voice of Consciousness,
revealing the Dharma, guiding her along the Golden Path of Life. They respond to her
questions, words that reverberate along the memory path into waking life. Her destiny is
shown to her, only remembered through deja vu’s throughout the day. She understands
the words she hears, she heeds their meaning, but is unknowing of the outcome of the
revelation and the purpose of such deeds. She overcomes the initial fright of the mystical
vibrations, she overcomes the bright lights, illuminating her dreams as the forms of these
angelic beings, she opens her communication chakra to allow God into her life. She begins
her spiritual awakening. Heroina in enmeshed within a web of physical desires yet is
spinned within a spiritual cocoon, entrusting herself to the spider that is God.

As she drifts to sleep she feels the angels watching over her, lightly stroking her head. For
years she had been feeling these light taps, yet scared as she thought they were the
deceased, haunting her each night. During her slumber, vibrations fill her body, allowing
her contact to the spiritual realm. As the vibrations deepen, she can exit her physical body
and contact and be contacted by those not from this world. Feeling now calm about these
occurrences, she can communicate freely with these beings, from meeting spirit guides to
foretelling the future.

******

Dream: 15/11/02

Anzac Day 25 April 2005 – Empire State Buildings bombed by neighbouring country in
attack of Australia. Seen from Paddington, looking over Statten Island.

Work Xmas party aboard a ship liner. Bottom deck flooding.

Bus trip to Paddington. See Hogs Breath Cafe.

Spiritual book – mysticism and magic on fertility. Special drug which can escalate
masculinity but dire side effects. Dizziness and gangrene side effects.

Dream: 25/11/02

Lights, vibrations – asking the angels on what to do with my future – hearing the words –
concentrate on your study – repetitive cycle.

******

In a world where life is engulfed and predicated by multinational companies through

consumerism and addiction, the philosophy of religion has been placed as mistrust. As the
world is exposed to the negativism of religious sceptics, the media confirms this mistrust
by the slow destruction of the major religions. The newspapers are filled with stories of
abuse from Catholic priests, the zealousness of the Muslims, the fastidiousness of the Jews
and the hypocrisy of the Church of England. In the world of mass communication, these
stories spread like fire, burning through the hearts of humans, voiding them of faith. How
can those who follow God and believe and trust in His goodness spread His word through
such a disastrous and cynical modern world? Are we, as humans, about to face a similar
fate of Sodom and Gomorrah?; of Pompeii and Atlantis? Is the world as we know now about
to be flooded by volcanoes, floods or fire? Morality and justice are becoming a figment of
our imagination – do these words even resemble their original definition? Even if one
person does not conform to the rudeness and slavishness of today’s society, it can make a
difference. One may not have to turn to becoming a religious zealot, yet one can still strive
for a higher goodness, one which involves pure and utter reverence of goodness to make
this world a better place to live in.

25.11.02

I beseech you to come and inform others of the Good News of the Lord. Unmask those who
have turned to the Devil in hope of power. Forgiveness shall come unto them and to their
loved ones. The karma of which other religions talk of, also applies to God. He shall
reward those who heed His word and make those who strive for goodness a member of the

Mis-En-Scene 21
highest order of spirituality. Come and seek the Good News, break free from social
disasters and conformity. Those who seek the good shall easily leave the bad. Awake and
arise in the light of God, bask in the illuminous glow of love and serenity, glow bright child
and grow into your new role of informer of the faith. Speak your word strongly, allow your
voice to be heard through the deafening crowd and bring forth others who have the faith
and continue the journey together. Bring forth the spirit of God, let His light shone upon all
those who hear. We are the spirit who helps those follow the Lord God, believe in us and
all goodness shall come upon you. Awake and arise to the Deity of God, you are the lamb
who follows – you have been chosen, do not be scared, do not be weak. You are favoured
by God in His love, there are many of you, you are not alone. Speak His word, be free,
shine through the darkness, allow yourself to love others for their faults and
misunderstandings. You are blessed. Believe in yourself. Hear our words and pray for the
truth to become apparent to others. Keep well my love, we are here, trust us, your angels
and Gods love always.

****

As she hears the words spoken unto her, Heroina blocks out the world around her. She
types or writes down these words that flow from her consciousness. Are they the collective
consciousness? Has she tapped into anothers train of thought? The messages are signed
off by angels, they speak to her directly. As she writes them down, she is in a daze,
sometimes she feels their tappings on her head. The messages are confirmed by the
vibrations felt as she reads over them to herself or to others.

*******

Its all very strange. It still hasnt sunk into Heroina about what she is about to
do....”although I do have those moments of waking up in the wee small hours of the
morning in a cold sweat, with the reality of the situation hitting me for a brief five
minutes before I sink back into slumber and reality is but a waking dream. I wonder if
I am doing the right thing? But then I look back on what life I would have here and
memories of a prolonged childhood of strict but loving parents looms from behind and
I think to myself, I cant stay in my comfort zone forever and I turn around to face the
unknown future and walk blindly into the light. My heart lightens and I know this is
the right decision. It will be difficult and it will be a struggle but to overcome it is to be
a stronger person by any means. And here is a glimpse of what I had been struggling
for ever since I left highschool. To live day by day and to enjoy life - not let it pass me
by in a bewildering rage but to participate and live a full life, to have no regrets and
not to wish for anything more but be happy with what I have done. Isn’t this
ultimately what life is all about? I'll find out, that is for certain. Lamentation will only
make you want more of what you couldn’t or didn’t have so lament no more and seek
happiness in what you have and done.”

“Ah! Sunlfower seeds! My heart rejoices in this new life. A new day is dawning and I
break free into the sky...my wings expand and I fly high above the earth, reaching new
heights and flying closer to the sun. The brightness is excruciating but the heat is
warming, for flying at such altitudes leaves one chilled to the bone. I am free......”
After such a poetic interlude, she finds it difficult to come back to practical letter
writing...

******
One hot day Heroina arrived home and jumped straight into the pool. After a few
laps...she floated and meditated.. Under the water there was pure silence – she could
just hear herself breathe. She lay back and looked up to the sky - the clouds mished
mashed into one another and she imagined great pictures...As she floated on her
back, she raised her fingers to the tip of the water and felt it breaking through the
divide. It was amazing to feel so light underwater then to raise her hands above and
feel the weight of the earth...It was a spiritual experience!

She reflected upon her conversation to BJ the night before. He had asked her if she
thought honesty was the best policy. She had felt there was more to the question and
had pestered him to tell her more. It turned out that he had feelings for her. She
wasn’t entirely sure on how to react but she could not reciprocate the feelings. She

Mis-En-Scene 22
had her soulmate back and could not afford another twist in her life at this stage. This
conversation had not bothered her initially and she thought she handled the situation
well but that night she couldn’t sleep. She had woken up at 5.30am with the
conversation reverberating in her mind. At times she surmises at what life could be
in a different situation and wondered if what she doing is right. At the time she
thought her actions were right but now has an achy feeling in her heart and is not sure
why it is there. She probed introspectively and thought about what he had said
about regrets. He had told her how he felt as he didn’t want to have any regrets in his
life. Suddenly she started to comprehend his actions. She had many regrets and
decided not to have any more. She knew she had an innate tendency to question her
actions after the event and have often found regret in how she handles situations. For
the next few days this theme of regrets followed her until her departure.

**********************

As she was cleaning out her room, Heroina found some dreams which she had
recorded earlier in the year, during her break from A. The paper reads:

At a party. Celebration of some sort. Came in after a walk in the park and see A in
the room. We are chatting upon a couch. We hug and he leans on me
with his head on my shoulder. There is another man to my right who likes
me. He is blondish, thin with freckles, wearing jeans and a polo shirt. He
is also leaning on me although I feel no weight from either side. He and I
kiss. A looks up but is not annoyed – I don’t think he has realised what
happened and smiles at me. The other guy reclines on the couch and I
touch him on hip and can feel his bones. I hurt him. I was too rough. I
tell him to take out his keys from his pocket and he complies. A sees what
I am doing and becomes slightly annoyed but is still understanding.

After reading this, Heroina realises who the other guy is in her dream – it was a
perfect description of Mt – months before she even started going out with
him.

***********************

He retuned to the car smelling of aftershave – fresh and vibrant, offering Heroina
some spearmint gum. This is the memory which attacks her vision,
impairing her work. As she chews her gum, the mint tickles her throat,
the aroma wafting up her nostrils. She begins to remember his smell, that
feeling of a first date, the excitement and how much she wished it to
happen. It is six months later and yet the memory is exact. How he came
back into the car, holding a set of cd’s, eager to lend to a fellow ‘maniac’.
These are fond memories that filter through her mind. She remembers his
birthday to be close, the reason for him to enter her thoughts.

************************
It was as if she was walking through some one elses life. Things happened
mechanically, bombs fell all over the place. Letters and messages of love came from
all around. Female friends arrived with visits of love, carrying notes as well as male
friends with their proclamations. It was strange for her, never before had she realised
her true friends and the growing amount of them who valued her friendship.

On her last day, N came around to her place. C and D were already there and C had
earlier asked for a card reading. Heroina and N decided to do a joint reading. The
energy flowed between all those around. Higher selves mingled in the atmosphere.
N’s predictions were a source of comfort to A. As Heroina tried to do a reading for N,
she saw a male figure infront of her. No face but a shadow of arms outstretched to
the right. N identified him as Seraphusbae, a master who teaches her the ways of the
spirit.

Her thoughts drifted to BJ: His proclamation had not startled her but his detatchment
from the situation did. He was a learned man and knew he had to let go. The strong
tie between them had been severed, healing was abound.

Mis-En-Scene 23
She begins to think back to when it all began. The flaming fireworks which were a
premonition in a dream had become a reality. Little did she realise the significance of
the dream, a symbol of the night they met. There was an instant attraction on his
part. Heroina recognised this and tried to draw herself away. He seemed a little too
eager, although they shared a lot in common. Over time they became friends,
innocently, Heroina thought no problem could arise. All BJ’s thought and emotions
had remained contained as he knew of her relationship, only until a few weeks before
when he released his emotions to her, confusing Heroina. She realised the reason of
their meeting, unfortunately only then. They had spoken of regrets, his for her, hers
for her actions. Feelings that should have never been cultivated were sown during
friendship. It was fate’s fruit.

*****************

Heroina denounces her materialistic tendencies and converts to pure spirituality. Out
went her clothes and jewellery, released into the unknown cosmos of
those who need it most. She retained a small drawer of basic necessities
and began her new life of humbleness. (HAS SELF FREE WILL)

Mis-En-Scene 24
The Final Chapter

Today is the first day of the rest of her life. She closes her eyes and stares stupefied
into darkness. She has quit her job and has bought her ticket to maturity.
Life as it was before, routine and jealous rages are no more. She is ******
She is this individual – her body a home to a soul who is scattered
amongst ruins. In this journey, she searches for the pieces to sew them
together, to find out who she really is. This person who has been
occupying this shell for 23 years, is now to arise from the battlefield and
unite body and soul. She begins her ascent as she relives the days
events. Time flowed evenly through the day – she goes to work and
finished her duties. She looks at the world with an open consciousness and
sees people rushing about madly, awake to reality, whereas she walks
doggedly on, her head in the clouds, breathing, inhaling mist from heaven
and watch as the day flies by. It is over. She comes home bearing gifts
from her co workers and then goes to the movies with her mother. After
she retires to bed. And now she lies awake to the reality of adult life. She
must leave all childish thoughts to the grave, bury them into the bagful of
memories and sling them on her shoulder, ready to move forward and
beyond. She looks to her parents and sees them as people, lost in their
own worlds. She looks to them for guidance and support merely to see
them as lost souls whose shared bond is leaving. She surmises about the
future, of how they will be without her, she hopes and prays that God
looks after them and may they realise the bond of love that people share.
In just these few minutes, she learns about love and how she must
dissolve her wall of pride and jealousy. She must build on the foundation
of trust with her love, with whom she will share the tumultuous journey
with. She opens her heart to God and here as she writes, she witnesses a
sign of a new beginning as her words fill up the page, and she finds it to
be the last page of her notebook. She thinks that even her book is telling
her to open up to a new one, to continue on a fresh page and see what life
brings to me and what I take from life. She signs off, promising to open
her eyes to a new world of freedom and no regret.

Mis-En-Scene 25
PART TWO

He was her soulmate – he felt it in his heart, but he had to let her go. They had grown so
close the past three years that he felt that they knew each other through their looks and
gestures. During their first year, they experienced a synergy that he knew could never be
replaced by any future relationship.

Future relationships, yes. This is where they stood now, from being one person, grown into
two individuals, having to experience life and loves, apart. Yes, it was his decision but not
completely, it was Divine intervention, given to him during his retreat into the mountains.
It felt so right to tell her and she understood. That was the most beautiful and sacred part
of the whole break up – they understood on an unearthly plane of existence that this had to
be done. The future was a grey road but knowing that one day, after being apart and
learning about life, they would look back upon a golden path, each brick paved by their
own hard work and struggles. And at the T-junction their paths would cross again once
more and they shall continue where they left off – learning about each other and growing
again as one. There was no doubt about how he felt.

Since they had come to this agreement, he had moved on with his life – or at least tried.
He moved out from home and gained new found freedom. And he loved it! Each day was a
fresh beginning, a new experience and he could feel himself grow. Except one thing hadn’t
changed. He and his ex were still seeing each other. Their closeness was apparent, even
now, but he felt tied to the past, rebounding on an elastic cord between her and his future.
He was feeling drained and vacant – all his energy dissipating through this medium. Finally
the relationship ended with a bang! She had betrayed him – accessed his email and read
his personal emails. Worst of all she had read a draft he had written during a time of
physical loneliness. Crying and blubbering over the phone, as upset as she was, he denied
the email, he - not knowing she had accessed his inbox, but was told someone else has
sent it to her - was angry at her reactions. Why does she have to be so emotional? It was
a mistake, he didn’t even send the damn thing – can she please get over it and stop crying
for God’s sake - he was trying to study and all these accusations – he was only human!
Humans are not infallible and he was going to make mistakes and do regrettable activities
–so just let it go ok? But she wouldn’t and it took over an hour to calm her down and he
was exhausted. The next two days he was livid and was going to kill this person who
accessed his email – but upon knowing it was her, that was the pinnacle – the relationship
had to end before they killed each other.

That week he got on with his life. He changed his email passwords, studied hard and tried
to forget his ex through a date with another girl. Well, she asked him out, and, what the
hell, its been three years since he’d had any variety. She wasn’t pretty but she had some
quality about her. But afterwards, she was too shallow. He wanted a beauty with
intelligence, but no commitment right now. He was too involved in his studies for any
emotional ties, but physical ties? Well, if there is a physical tie, it will benefit his studies –
stress relief is what he needs right now.

He had spent the weekend studying for an exam in two days and he had work to do. That
morning the telephone rang and when he answered, click. The caller had hung up. Was it
her? If it was she’ll call back. He resumed his study. Later on in the afternoon – another
prank call. Damn! it has to be her. He called her at work – “Did you just try to call me?”
No was the answer. Coldness travelled through the telephone line and he shuddered. He
continued the conversation – he had been thinking of her – even remotely – how could he
not – he still loves her. Slowly her voice warmed on the phone and they talked for about
half an hour. He cared deeply for her but held back. Now is not the time for them to be
together.

Mis-En-Scene 26
Over the next few days, his thoughts drew back to Heroina. He longed for her caress, the
way she cared for him, her way of making him feel calm. Now that she wasn’t there he
reverted back to his usual stress relief – the almighty cigarette. As he drew in each breath,
he drew in relaxation; as he blew out the smoke the tension floated into the wind.

He was in the Great Court, sitting with his friends when the girl from his date appeared.
She was incessantly hanging around him and his friends. He wasn’t interested. He had too
much to do and she was too eager to please. He wanted fire and passion in a relationship –
what good was it to always agree on things? Where is the passion in that? He loved to
argue and it was his philosophy that it is only through arguments does one see the true
character and logistics of another person. It was the way into another’s soul, into their
innate being and into The Self.

(research on The Self)

It was the weekend and he and his family had lunch plans together. After the honorary
Sunday lunch, he was relaxing and his thoughts turned to Heroina. He was feeling
physically lonely – it was two weeks since he’d had any real female contact. He wanted to
feel her smooth skin and smell her tousled hair. He was aching for her touch, upon his
bare skin – the intensity of these memories drove him mad with desire. He gave her a call.
He let the phone ring longer the usual. Finally she answered. He was nonchalant, he
couldn’t let her know how he felt. He was supposed to be moving on. But his true feelings
arose and he mentioned how he was thinking of getting back together with her. Her reply
was indifferent “What is the point in that?” Had they learnt anything? Had he changed in
any way? He knew he hadn’t and kept quiet and let her talk. Abruptly, he had to go –
someone needed the phone – but he still wanted to talk to her and said he would call back
later.

Which he did but she wasn’t home.

*******
He was fed up.

For the past three years he had done everything for her – to the extent of losing himself.
He had given up on his dream of travelling through Europe, was her chauffer, spent all his
income on her desires and treated her exactly how she wanted to be treated. But it never
seemed enough. She would act spoilt and complained if things didn’t go her way. He felt
manipulated and maltreated as a person and individual. He was worn out. From sacrificing
his dreams to accommodate hers. He loved her – that was undeniable – but he’d had
enough.

Now it was time for him to find himself – to spend timer with his friends and do what he
wanted to do for a change. He wanted FREEDOM! He felt like having a few flings, to taste
new honey and buzzing around from flower to flower. His once strong confidence with
women had diminished slightly after gaining “relationship” handles and he strived on his
daily jog to relieve these negative feelings and melt away his past relationship.

*******

He was missing her. It was only one week since they last saw each other. She had seemed
confrontational and aggressive and he regarded her with caution. He attempted to make
conversation but at each time was rebuffed.

His thoughts always floated to her. Even as he was with a new fille, he wanted to be on
good terms with her – for more than only one reason. Well, his new girl was still physically
puritan and try as he may, nothing was going to happen soon, so may as well try and keep
in good terms with the old one – he knew her route well.

He decided to pull out his charm and visit her while he was in the City. As he walked into
her office building, nostalgia crept up on him. As he waited in the reception area he
exuded confidence and was sure of how to handle her.

They spoke briefly, at first she was cold, but he knew how to win her affection and it
worked – they kissed. He wanted her badly. She told him of a new love. He needed her
badly. They parted on good terms and he was left with a sense of longing.

Mis-En-Scene 27
 *******

During their break he had been tried and tested – clarity arose through these female
experiences. He knew now that he loved her and wanted her back. Was it too late? He
knew she was seeing someone else but she had said it wasn’t serious but then two weeks
later she says she wants to be closer on a physical level with this new beau. He was livid!
He was going to lose her and it was all his fault. If he only knew then what he wanted now.

He schemed on how to win her back. On the way home he devised an e-mail and later in
the evening sent it to her. He was not being un-truthful, for all he had written down was
exactly how he felt, but he knew that it would melt her heart and he was already halfway
there.

He crept back into her life – a few sms’s here and an email there. He tried to show her how
much he loved her by taking her out for picnics or having lunch together and sharing his
feelings. He was finding solace in his efforts to get her back. He remembered a
conversation they had a few years back when she had said “If you ever went out with
anyone else I’d fight for you. Would you do that for me?” to which he replied, “No, because
its your decision. I couldn’t change your mind”. This came to the forefront of his mind and
became his focus for the next few weeks.

When he wasn’t with her, she was always on his mind. Thoughts of the past played
through his head and he watched their relationship as a movie. Over and over, each scene
remembered slightly differently, each time a new perspective or a new emotion attached
to each thought. He ached for her. He reflected on their past mistakes, how it could have
been prevented, how he would react now to the same situation. He was happy to be in her
company. Just to see her face and smell her hair, to poke and prod and play with her made
him smile and feel calm. For that’s what she made him feel – calmness and happiness
surrounded her and when they were together, transferred to him. He sighed, rolling over
in his bed, trying to read his thesis articles, but not being able to concentrate because of
her.

But life for him wasn’t quite so simple. As he was pining away for his lost love, he was
trying to get rid of a new love. The same girl which annoyed him earlier in this chapter was
still around. His naiveness and ignorance regarding her had landed him in a web of lies.
She had begun to love him, she had put him on a pedestal and treated him as her
Ganymede. He wanted the best possible outcome – as an economics student, that is what
had been implanted in his brain over the past 5 years of his degree.

But alas, when the time came to cut physical ties she was hysterical and cried
uncontrollably. She didn’t want friendship – she wanted a full relationship. He couldn’t
give her that. He had tried and wasn’t being true to himself and his feelings if he let this
continue. He didn’t love her. He never would. He was stretching out the pain for her and
for himself. They tried once to be friends, went to the beach together, but it didn’t work
out. He didn’t care. Now he can focus on his one and true love and how to get her back.

*******

The key. It was the very essence of their relationship and where they stood with each
other. It symbolised her heart. In his possession he knew that he loved her. In her
possession, the relationship was over.

The box. Inside were all the jewels – gifts of love from him to her. One diamond ring, given
at their six months anniversary, initially meant to be an engagement ring, but due to their
youth was a symbol of their love and commitment to each other.

After putting on his best efforts, he felt that it was all in vain. He has lost her. She didn’t
want to come back to him. He was desolate and alone, sitting there in the car outside her
house, waiting for her to come home. Waiting. That was all he was doing. Waiting for her
to come back to him. He was giving up. Exasperation was at its last thread. He placed the
key into an envelope and placed it in her mailbox.

Mis-En-Scene 28
On his drive home he reflected over the night before. She was out with her friends when
he called her. He had to see her. He was crippled with the pain of her complacency.
Something had to be done. He forced his way into her night out and separated her from
her friends. Silently they drove to the Storey Bridge – the place they had sat on a sunny
Saturday only a week before, discussing their future together. As they stood in the cold
wind, he in shorts and shivering, he asked her to throw away the key – to let him go – to
forget any future together – to be free.

But she wouldn’t. She was adamant that she loved him. But they couldn’t be together
now, something about its being the wrong “timing”. Where does she come up with this
bullshit? She was being fateful, another form of complacency. But she talked him into
being “not so dramatic” and “lets talk in the car, you’ll get sick in this cold wind” and they
walked back arm in arm.

In the car she agreed to talk things over and they were going to see each other tonight.
Tonight. And here he is driving home, his heart and love in her mailbox and he, alone.

******

But their relationship was never that simple. The next day she had broken up with her new
beau and that evening he found himself sitting in the car with her and talking through their
problems. They agreed to give their relationship another chance.

*****

His thoughts diverged momentarily, switching from his thesis to her. They had been back
together for almost three months now, back into the routine of a relationship, back to
regular physicality’s. He missed her terribly, their journey was inching towards oneness
but life was on the way. His impeding trip overseas and move interstate would only draw
them apart physically but spiritually they would never be apart. He loves her. He knows it
now. He knows she can feel it too. Their relationship has matured; in only the smatter of
months apart they had grown as individuals – this is exactly what he wanted.

Mis-En-Scene 29
PART THREE

It was 1937, Manila, Philippines and the effects of World War 2 were still a few years away.
She stood on the corner at Escolta, as a young 13 year old waiting to cross the street.
While she waited, a young man, tall with aquiline features stood beside her, waiting for the
bus. Instantly she was attracted to him and each day thereafter as she waited to cross the
street, she stood beside him and admired her crush. For this was an unrequited love, as
the tall young man never even noticed the pretty girl standing by his side.

The Japanese had taken over Manila and it is during this time in Philippine history which is
referred to as “Japanese Times”.

(research on historical facts)

It is now 1942, and Lola, now 17 years old developed into a chatty, beautiful young lady
who had boys lining up outside her house to see her.

Being the youngest of seven children Lola was one of the last of the children to attend
dancing parties. After seeing her older sisters get dressed up and swathe themselves in
powder and perfume, she dreamed of the days when she is able to become a princess for a
night.

Big parties and being part of the “society” is an important aspect of the Philippine culture
that was cultivated through the Spanish colonies and aristocracy/upper class.

(more historical facts)

It was during Halloween of 1942 that Lola was invited to a party with her then beau, a
young Portuguese by the name of Andre. Andre was originally from Hong Kong and was in
the Philippines visiting his cousins when he met Lola – his next door neighbour.
Immediately her was taken by her flawless beauty and curvaceous figure. Her charm
attracted many admirers, none that she took seriously.

It was one Andre’s cousins parties that Lola’s fate was sealed. Andre was setting up his
friend and asked Lola to bring a friend as well. Usually shy, Lola liked to attend parties but
was unaware of her beauty and “Coca-cola” figure, as it was colloquially known in those
days. As it was Wartime, dress material was scarce and when looking for something to
wear, Lola chose a pair of navy slacks, red top which she wore with a white gardenia in her
shoulder length brown hair. (Due to the Japanese soldiers and their reputation for raping
the young Filipina’s, young women during these times opted for slacks rather than dresses
to appear more masculine.)

Andre came and collected Lola and her young friend ready for the party. They were chatty
and excited, ready for dancing and flirting. They were standing in a large sitting room. It
was converted into a dance floor with all the furniture pushed to the edges of the room.
Andre looked to the front door to see his friend, Ramon walk through. He called out to him
and he sauntered over. Lola stared at the young man walking towards her – his aquiline
features a little more mature, his stature and demeanour as it was all those years ago. His
blue eyes glistened lasciviously as they looked from feet to waist to breast to face of each
girl. Lola’s friend was overcome by his beauty and stood there in awe, whispering to Lola
how lucky she felt. Lola was sure Ramon was aware of his good looks and decided to
ignore him as there were plenty other boys to flirt with.

Mis-En-Scene 30
Lola enjoyed the company of the young boys that surrounded her. She had a turn of
dancing with them each, as they lined up to dance with her. Ramon, curious on why these
boys were surrounding Lola decided to try her out. He reached over as she was twirled
around and caught her hand, pulling her to him he asked her to dance. They danced to
the popular music of swing as they jitterbugged and boogied for the rest of the evening.
Ramon enjoyed Lola’s chattiness and charm as she conversed with him. While dancing
Ramon paid her full attention, noticing her flawless beauty and delectable figure. Being
from Spanish decent, he was not used to going out with full blooded Filipina’s, choosing to
socialise with mestizas. He was entertained by her singing as he spun her around the
room. He knew his competition was many and not wanting to lose his chance, he invited
Lola for lunch the next day.

Lola was in heaven. She finally met her childhood crush and danced with him – she
couldn’t believe her luck! As they danced she charmed him with her natural character and
when he asked her to lunch, of course she was going to accept.

They met at a coffee shop around the corner from the Department Store where Lola
worked as a perfumerie. Ramon was quiet for most of the time, observing Lola and
enjoying her company. She chatted freely and conversation was light and easy.

He decided that he wanted to see her again and went to visit her at home later that week.
When he dropped by, Lola was out and he waited for her for over an house in their patio.
As Lola appeared around the corner, her navy blue dress silhouetted her frame against the
sun, with sunrays haloing around her. Ramon breathed in. His angel had arrived.
Competition lurked nearby and inside were a group of boys also waiting to see his angel.
Approaching him, Lola was happy to see Ramon, but he became agitated from the amount
of attention she was about to receive and decided to leave.

A few months later, it was New Years Eve and Ramon tried once again and invited Lola to a
party. In the Philippines, it is traditional for families to stay together during the first part of
the evening, having the children go out after midnight. Lola was excited to see Ramon and
chose to sneak out to see him. As her father sat in the lounge room, she, dressed up in a
party dress, quietly tip toed behind him, making sure that her sisters covered up for her.

Lola was nervous but excited to see Ramon. He met her at the corner of their street and
their first stop was the cinema – the movie – “Wizard of Oz”. The theatre was packed and
they had to stand at the back, she infront of him. Ramon was excited, he pushed himself
up to Lola and she felt him from behind. She shuddered slightly with pangs of nerves and
tried to ignore him. Afterwards they went for dinner and then to a club. As they entered,
the members of the live band whistled at Lola. Ramon walked behind proudly knowing the
prize will soon be his. No girl had been able to resist his looks or charm before. After
midnight they walked down the Boardwalk and had their silhouettes cut from a black
cardboard and wrote a dedication to each other. On the back of hers, Lola wrote:

“I hope no misunderstandings shall cross our path. I love you so much and hope you will
be mine and mine alone.”

Ramon instantly fell in love with Lola that night – the night that stars fell from the heavens
and landed onto green lush meadows to be cradled by the dewdrops in the early morning.
Ramon took her to a hotel where they made love to each other for the first and only time.

Mis-En-Scene 31
They woke up at 5am the next morning. Lola was frantic with worry with how her father
was going to react when he finds out that she was out the whole evening. Quickly, Ramon
asked her to marry him and they set out to find a judge. Knocking on her door that early
morning, the judge scolded them for their naivety and told them to go home. They didn’t
know what else to do so they ran home to their respective houses.

They saw each other frequently during the following weeks and grew closer together. Lola
had missed her period and was scared of the implications of pregnancy. She waited for
two and a half months before telling Ramon. When he found out he didn’t know what to
do. He told his mother straight away but her advice was unresponsive – one word –
abortion. She referred her son to one that she knew and told him to forget about Lola.
Ramon and Lola went together and he waited while she was inserted with the noose. Lola
returned home alone and when the time came – pulled the string. The pain was
excruciating and she bled uncontrollably. She couldn’t keep this a secret any more and
told her sisters of what happened. Immediately they took her to the hospital and were told
that if they had waited any longer Lola would have died. Lola stayed in the hospital for one
day. Before she left the nurse said to her that a young man had been phoning and asking
how she was, but never left his name nor a message.

A few days later Lola called Ramon to let him know that she was alright and feeling much
better but when he talked her, he was cold and unyielding. They broke up. But Lola had
hope and she prayed devotedly to St Jude, the Helper of the Impossible, for them to get
back together. They were soul mates. Lola knew this and they must get back together.

A couple of months later, at a Jai Alai match at the Keg, Ramon followed Lola and her
family there. He ambushed Lola and asked to speak to her.

Lola was furious “Why should I speak to you?” she answered back.

“Because I want to marry you”, he replied.

“You must be kidding! After the way you have treated me? Why would I want to marry
you?”

“Ever since we broke up I have been watching you. Each day you seem to grow lovelier
and you bloom as in Springtime. I’ve witnessed your every move and have seen you go
out with other boys. I have been testing you to see if you really love me. Please marry
me, be mine forever. For the past few months I have been saving money so we can get
married, please say yes.”

Lola stood there, shocked with indifference. Of course she loved him, it was love at first
sight for her. Her heart was set but now to align her mind with her decision.

“Well, lets see the money. Where is it?” she reprimanded.

They took a calesa to Ramon’s house and while Lola remained in the calesa, Ramon went
inside and collected his suitcase full of pesos. Lola was shocked and knew then how much
he really loved her. They continued on to her brothers house. Upon seeing Ramon, Berto
exclaimed “What’s he doing here? What does this brujo want again?”

“He wants to marry me Berto. He has the money. Please help us - can we stay with you
for a few days?”

Reluctantly Berto let them inside and she sent word with the cochero to get some of her
clothes.

Their wedding was simple with just Lola’s siblings present. She wore a knee length white,
overlap dress in organza, and in her hands she held a bouquet of gardenia’s, with a single
flower behind her right ear. She was Ramon’s angel, walking down the aisle, standing by
his side. A Franciscan priest married them as they stood at the altar, beholding the
Almighty as they declared their love for one another. That was May 17, 1944, two days
after Ramon had proposed to her, his love.

Mis-En-Scene 32
They didn’t know how to tell their parents and couldn’t stay together as they didn’t have
enough money for board and food. So the next day they both returned home to their
respective houses.

When Lola returned home she had to tell her parents. Their reaction was much more
benevolent than she expected. As times were tough, and her parents kind, they invited
Ramon into their home and the young couple began their married life together.

The war came in hard and strong within the next few months. One morning in September
of 1944, Lola stood outside with her sisters, doing the washing, each one scrubbing away
at their clothes, suds forming in their large tin buckets. The sun was shining brightly, and
as they turned and looked into the clouds, they saw small silver planes coming down in the
distance. As the planes came closer, the American insignia was apparent – the troop of
planes swooping down and bombing the Japanese tents. The sounds of gunfire and the
stench of smoke filled the air, the ground shaking with the impact of warfare. They ran
into the house and took shelter, hiding under mattresses to relieve the impact in case their
house was bombed.

Ramon was on his way back from his mothers place when the planes struck down and his
journey home was not completed.

For the next three months Lola heard many stories from their friends, saying the Ramon
was killed at during that fateful day, but she couldn’t believe them for she felt in her heart
that strong love-bond that soul mates share. She prayed and prayed for Ramon to be safe
and back home again.

As history tells it, the Americans won the battle against the Japanese and Liberation time
began in the Philippines. The remnants of war were still there, with the Red Cross being in
much aid of the casualties that were around. It was one of the men who was helping at
there that brought the news to Lola that Ramon was working there and within a few days,
Ramon had returned back to her.

They were soulmates. She was the Aquarian who held her Pisces - he was like a fish out of
water without her. There were fateful coincidences of their lives before they met, such as
Lola’s father shared the name Ramon, with Lola’s birth name being “Ramona” and they
were both born on the 26th of the same year, one month apart.

And from that day their love story continued with forty years of struggle and changes
between them both but throughout their relationship, Lola remained No. 1 for Ramon, his
infidelities and deceits were made up by his hard work and care for the family.

Mis-En-Scene 33
PART FOUR – MIX – Intermission (????)

It’s the light. Bright and translucent that shines through the window. I shade my eyes.

It’s the dark. Oozing and seeping in the room. It makes no difference whether my eyes
are open or closed. I see nothing.

I decide to wake up. I stretch tremendously and yaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnn.

The cat goes outside. I wish he would never return. I don’t like cats. He’s not mine. Don’t
know why he is here. We call him Cat – with a capital C.

Its going to be another day full of comma’s and exclamation marks and semi-colons. Full
stops never happen. Why do Americans call them periods? Why are they called full stops?
Whycanttheybecalledasentancestopper? Orendoftheline? Whatever. I go inside.

The blueness fills the room and almost digests me. I fight to head to the fridge and get
some food in me. I open my first orifice to let the food slide in but blueness gets in the
way. I try to hurry it out of the room. At least its not a rhapsody in blue – that would be
stifling. I open my eyes wide and flap my ears. I have scared the blueness and its now
sitting in a corner. I get to eat my fudimocle.

I start getting dressed. The lettuce sits quite well on my cranium. The edges falls
delicately over my follicles and frame my visage. I cover myself with streaks of peanut
butter and honey and sprinkle raisins all around. Then I realise I am still in the kitchen.

The front door opens and I roll out.

Bits of leaves and dried gum and bitumen stick to my honey and peanut butter coverings.
I can save them for later. I call it marinating.

I stop rolling and find myself next to a rainbow. The pot of gold is no where to be seen but
a leprechaun is staring at me. I blink. He smiles gumily. I roll on.

I get tired of rolling and start to hop. I forgot the sky was so low and hit my cranium on the
clouds. Lucky the stars were still nocturnising – they can be quite sharp. I sit down and rub
my cranium while the butterflies lick the raisins off me.

I sigh. I start to dig a whole. I start to dig and it forms a whole jellyfish. I keep on digging
and it is a whole giraffe. I keep on digging until it’s a whole 1.

Yes is the answer. You know that. I know.

A 1. It is my pride of the tsunamis. I tuck it under my appendage and roll – careful not to
flatten my 1.

Rolling along, singing a song side by side.

I see a little rio and perch by the bank. I prop my 1 beside me and stare into the glistening
molecules of depth. 1 starts to move. I gaze at it adoringly. 1 starts to vibrate. I start to
glow. 1 starts to melt. I try to dig it whole again. It may work. I collect 1 and roll away.

I can feel 1 disintegrate beside me. Whole 1’s are falling from my grasp. “1!” I call out,
“Where are you going?” I look behind me and I see 1 flit away into the atmosphere.

Mis-En-Scene 34
Haphazardly, I roll. Unconsciously, I roll. Blindly, I roll.

I roll til I get home and the door opens and I find blueness on the settee. Cat is wrestling
with blueness. I throw Cat my lettuce. I pellet the raisins at blueness. I sigh.

I realise the meaning of a full stop. They are more powerful than a comma. They are
sinister. They are dramatic. Use them to your hearts content.

*****

The wide blue glass eye stood strangely above the piano .…its voice quavering toward e
major. The ivories shook under the tremor of such scale. Upon reaching the higher notes
the blood vessels shone a deep red almost protruding from the gleaming whiteness of its
skin. Tiny ants brought salty tear drops to the glass eye in favour of keeping the ducts
smooth and wet. As the eyeball had no lids, it was often parched in the summer heat.
Dust particles stuck to the sticky eyeball and the ants used them as stepping stones to
climb on top of the eyeball and slowly pour down the salty tears.

Deep sea grains often stuck to the eyeball and it would have to wait until a cat with a
prickly tongue to come and slice them off.

*******

In a reality where people are sheep and the flock visits shopping centres – consumerism
bears its deathly soul. No longer is religion based on faith and justice – society has begun
to worship the concrete giants filled with holy fluorescent lights. Once people enter the
temple they are transformed into sheep and wander aimlessly in the white pastures.
Usually they walk in droves with their eyes wide shut searching for the hidden treasure.

Worshippers can be categorized into the following types:

There are the fundamental worshippers who visit the temple on a daily basis – thinking if
they skip a day they will not be allowed back in; there are those who only visit on certain
days of the year – the special celebrations such as the winter or summer sales where they
will be redeemed with bargains; and those who are the sabbatical visitor, who come in to
purchase their weekly needs.

It is in this setting where we find new devotees who begin their devotion from a young age.
Some who start at the age of 8 years old. When questioned, they reply they are drawn to
the bright lights which are reminiscent of when their mothers used to place them in a
stroller and take them for a “walk“ and amuse themselves. As they reach puberty, they
join others from their order and visit the temple on weekly basis.

This pre-occupation with shopping malls usually decrease after the puberty period. This is
applicable for those who reach this early stage of maturity. This is not to say that they do
not delve into this ritual later in life….once other time occupations find their way into the
maturing individuals life do we see a decline in mall-worshipping. This is when devotees
are segregated into sabbatical visitors or celebrationists. Those who find themselves
trapped into a working cycle in a mall atmosphere are rendered void of participating in the
mall worship. This is usually an immediate decision after spending five days, 9 to 5 in this
environment.

The cycle doesn’t necessary end….once devotees settle down and pro-create, they tend to
re-live the cycle through their offspring and the cycle continues for generations to come.

Mis-En-Scene 35
Summer

Microcosmic pests leaping to your legs, crawling through the hairy jungle, tickling the hair
shafts sending a tingling sensation through your pores, through the epidermic layers to the
nerves, twitching the purpled blue veins shocking your system. Your leg spasmodically
leaps into the air, trying to shake off these minute creatures (invisible to the naked eye).

Excess blubber shakes and echoes while your leg settles to normal. The spasms scare the
mutae causing them to a reactionary nibble on the attacking leg. A gigantic shadow is cast
over them and they go for a bigger bite before they are slapped to death. Peering closely
at what you have hit, you notice a small lump growing, encircled by red. It tingles and the
urge to scratch cannot be resisted. The more you scratch, it swells larger, the venom
spreading. You try biting it, slapping it, pinching it to no avail. Ignoring it doesn’t help –
until you notice other lumps of a similar nature. Experimenting, you scratch them and
immediately wish you hadn’t as now instead of one area it is now your whole leg that its
itching and it wont stop until blood is trickling down your leg. Stopping for a few seconds,
scabs form and only then will the itching subside.

14/2/98 Dream while taking a nap – scene just upon waking:

He is asking: “If you knew how much this is hurting you wouldn’t be doing it also”

That an old junky there.. ”What’s he doing?”

His hand is clasped to his neck and his face looks pained. He is in a foetal position and his
is asking “If you knew how much this hurts me, you wouldn’t be giving it to me”. On his
neck is a large sore from where he gashes himself with his needle.

Walking with a friend – overcast and cold. Maybe winter. Dreary setting. Walking along a
bitumen road. On one side leaning against a red brick wall is an old man, or maybe he is a
young man with many experiences. He is curled up foetus-like wearing a grey overcoat
and an English cappy. The curled up man is silent. Asleep? “What’s he doing?” I ask my
friend. The old man answers “If you knew how much this hurts me, you wouldn’t be giving
it to me” That’s when I notice his hands are clasped behind his neck, trying to keep a
needle steady and he is rocking slightly from side to side.

18/2/99 – Dream:

Looking outside the window and into the grey sky. I see a vision of an Indian ephemeral
being sitting cross legged, surrounded by a rainbow aura. He sits there bejewelled, a sign
of peace and hope, a premonition to destruction.

The sky gloomens. Rain beats down heavily; the water outside collects until the doors and
windows can no longer hold it outside.

The water gushes through the crevices, the pressure unsustainable, pushing the doors and
windows open.

“A flood! A flood!” we cry in panic. We rush about the house. I can feel the constant
presence of Shiva beaming down at us. His love burns through our windows, his calmness
soothes me. I slow down. I survey the scene. Brown water seeping through the carpet.
Our feet squishing as we walk. The flooded rooms are drying up, the water level
decreases. I look to face Shiva who has entered our home. no words are spoken, just a
telepathic thank you.

Sleep!

Eyelids are being pulled down by an imaginary force that I cannot fight. My vision blurs, at
first I can see the horizon, now only half, then a quarter, “y luego” darkness. I try to pull
up my eyelids, they are leaded with sandbags which can only be emptied during the night,
while I gain enough energy to empty the sand bags little by little, dispersing sand through
my dreams. Sometimes I wake up, thinking I have already gotten rid of all the sand, only
to find some left at the bottom of the bag, and I have to retire once more to rid myself of
the left over grains.

Mis-En-Scene 36
Flashes
Come through my mind.
Predictions?

As I sit, idly or not, I begin to think of the future. My senses are triggered and a
premonition flashes before my eyes. I see visions that could represent the future, I feel
sensations that could reoccur in the future. Is that what I see or do I have insight to a
parallel universe?

**********

Even though I know what I once felt was an imitation of love, I feel it once again, tricking
me into believing it, mistaking it for reality. I have to overpower that feeling. Erase all
duplicitous memories before they engulf me once more. Realise the truth that love is only
a sense that I can imagine and enliven through my thoughts; it cant be the reality until
both people feel the same; it is that love that I still need to experience before I can claim it
for myself

********
Sitting by the sea I saw a shell that reminded me of the meadows that rise and fall over
the grassy fields, mellowing into the sunset – the pink hue with the golden tip that forms
the swirling spirals of the hubbing shell.

The domes of the sky lifted before me and the pink hue of the heavenly auras fell upon my
head. I felt the heat, I felt the life – I felt you and I felt God.

******

Escape. To stay in this null and void place called work where problems last for the day;
where people are friendly to others even when angered, I have to smile.

There are people accused of this: the psychoanalysts have even given them a name –
workaholic. It is a disease – but I want to be one!

To be a workaholic is to remove oneself from the unreal world of tv families and luscious
vacation. One doesn’t deserve a holiday; a holiday is not a present, nor a reward but an
injection to unreality where one can relax, sleep and spend time on minor worries.

Holidays are used to cultivate activities desired although the lack of ideas can lead to
boredom and anxiety. Whereas at work both of those emotions only last a maximum time
until other work is to be done.

**********

Deep blue shines through the yellow rainbow hue. The metallic vibrations whine away
corrupting the vivid dreams of children. Awake young lovers and weep with the outbursts
of decaying crowns whose wings are lying elsewhere.

You cry before the shadow of Satan. Scour away with the sounds of his feet. Enjoy the hot
flames that burn with the desire of melting deep down into the stratosphere and mixing
with the bones of ancestors.

Give me the light! Don’t hide away in the darkness. I fear God. Give me the angels – I ask
them to protect and guide me. Let me drink from His cup. Let his love shine through me!
Yes. Do not lose me Jesus. I beg you to be with me always. Do not allow Satan to infiltrate
my life. Show me Your goodness and love shall abound.

******

9.07am
Upon entering my daily train en route to work, my eye fell upon a person. Initially though
to be female, after a few seconds morphed into a male. I smell the stench of sweet
perfume – vanilla custard wafs

Mis-En-Scene 37
EXERCISES

Pusillanimous (ly) (mity) – adj. Faint hearted, mean spirited

Purgatorial - Purifying 

Pastiche - (2) literary/work of art composed in the style of a known author/artist.

Lecherous, lascivious – lustful 

Laputa – Gullivers Travels – a flying island inhabited by learned men who are absorbed in
philosophical and scientific speculation.

Laconic – brief, concise 

Their conversation was laconic. Mt had said to he all he wanted to say. There was no
emotion involved even though the topic had been about their feelings to each other.
Heroina was stunned at his reaction but knew that it was due. She knew that the pain was
too much – so much so that it had turned to numbness and now it was over. No more talk
of friendship. It was just how he wanted – the break up on bad terms.

Languor – faintness, fatigue; soft tender mood or effect 

They had their arms around each other. The languor of the moment seized upon them and
they kissed each other gently. It was pure love. No thoughts of their surroundings
infiltrated their minds. They existed as one.

Obeah, obi – sorcery/witchdoctory associated with snake god Obi  west African negro
slaves.

Coadaism – religion combining Buddhism, Taosim, Confusianism and Christianity. Founded

in Conchin, China 1926.

Capricious – guided by whim; inconsistent, irregular; incalculable.

Tantric – form of Buddhism with emphasis on magic.

Odin – Scandinavian myth – supreme God and creator – god of victory and the dead.
Represented as an old one eyed man of great wisdom.

Freya/Freyja – Scandinavian myth – goddess of love and night – the northern venus.

Existentialism – Philosophical theory concentrating on the existence of the individual who,

being free and responsible develops his essence through acts of the will
(w/c in Christianity form leads to God).

Homoiousian – one who held that Father and Son in the God Head were of like but not
identical substances.

Mantic (adj) – of divination.

Hiatus; perpetuate

Mar – to spoil

Gambit – chess opening in which player sacrifices pawn or piece to obtain some advantage
over opponent – opening move in discussion. 

She realised that she was using him as a gambit. She didn’t like what she was doing, but it
was her subconscious reaction to a strategic play against her ex and herself. Mt had no
clue and really, she had to let him go. He was so sweet and affectionate but how can he
compete with a four year relationship?

Mis-En-Scene 38
Ganymede – Greek myth – Trojan youth, so beautiful that Zeus caused an eagle to carry
him up to heaven and made him his cup bearer. 

Looking at picture of her and her ex, she saw him as Ganymede. His features
complemented hers and they were often mistaken as relatives.

Hierophant – official expounder of sacred mysteries/religious ceremonies especially in

Ancient Greece.

Eclectic – not belonging to any recognised school but selecting doctrines as pleasing from
every school. 2. Borrowing freely from various sources, not exclusive in opinion,
taste. 

Mis-En-Scene 39
Thoughts:

If a relationship begins with the woman seeking affection and support, whereas the man
seeks only physical fulfilment, then what are the chances of the relationship to work? And
how does it work?

Firstly, a neutral definition of “relationship” should be discussed.

Relation (n) -
1. way in which one thing is thought of in connection with another; any connection,
correspondence, or association between things or persons.
2. Kinsman, kinswoman, relative

Relationship (n) – being related; kinship

If we take the first definition, relation 1, the connection between two people can be of two
substances – physical or spiritual. From a general perspective, both males and females
can be aware of a spiritual, or shall we say, non-physical connection - let us term this
energy. But if we were to suggest which is more important to either male or female, is it
wise to say that women, who seek affection and support are happy with a spiritual or non-
physical connection, whereas males, seeking their physical fulfilment shall be content with
the physical connection?

Anyone who has been in a relationship, must say that there must be an initial “spark” or
energy between themselves and another before any bond can be made. Is this “spark”
more important to males or females for a relationship to develop?

From another dimension – sometimes a relationship can gain a spiritual connection after a
physical connection has been established. Is this always the case? And if so, how many
times can it be achieved?

(use the Natural Philos of Love & Technical Love)

****************

How do emotions affect physical behaviour? Why is there a difference between emotions
and the physical body and if there is such a difference, isn’t that a sign of the existence of
the soul? For emotion is reflected through our physical body but yet if one tries to
suppress an emotion by not allowing their body to reflect their thoughts and feelings,
emotion is then a non-physicality and therefore can be described as part of our soul.

One can assume the emotions of another through their physical temperament – if angry,
eyes will bulge, muscles tense etc, but if one is angry and practices “shelving” their anger,
their body language may represent annoyance or be misinterpreted by other emotions; but
yet internally still feeling the initial pangs of anger.

Plus there are a number of emotions that although are termed, cannot readily be noticed in
the physical sense: melancholy, greed, abandonment, the list continues, yet these are all
“internal” emotions and therefore can be expressions of the soul.

One can also deny ones feelings and outwardly reflect an opposite persona, such as a
parent loving their child, yet angry at their disobedience.

And it is through understanding and controlling our emotions do we form a spiritual

connection with our soul. If we are aware of what triggers our emotions we can control
them and therefore learn to control our soul to create a further “goodness” in ourselves.
For this is what life is – to learn; for our soul to consume knowledge about ourselves, how
we react in certain situation and how we treat others. Innately, we should exude
benevolence and externally practice benevolence towards others and therefore reach or
attain our goal of soul development – the very reason why we are here on this human
plane of existence.

*****************

Dream: Walking through a crowd. I turn around and see a young girl of about five years of
age holding a parasol. My mind thinks “she is an angel”. The dream blacks out. I am in

Mis-En-Scene 40
darkness. My mind is awake but my body is paralysed. Tingling sensations vibrate
through my body. My mind thinks “I am scared”. I feel hands run through my hair,
combing fingers through my hair. A voice answers “Do not be scared of those who love
you”. I feel heat radiate on the left side of my hand. These hands, I cannot tell if male or
female. I am scared and try to scream. I hear a sound from outside my door and my body
moves once more.

Analysis of angel dream:

1. Angels projected into my thoughts through a visual medium. Once they make a
connection i.e. me thinking “She is an angel” the dream blacked out and my soul was
open to the spiritual realm.
2. Body vibrations and paralysis: although my mind was conscious, my body was
paralysed – yet I wasn’t out of my body since I could feel their hands through my
“physical hair”. I was aware of my surroundings – it wasn’t lucid dreaming.
3. Could communicate with them through thought transference – telepathy.
4. After I awoke, still felt light tappings as if far away.
5. Couldn’t tell if male or female.
6. Heat on left side – “Beguile the hot handed people”
7. Felt enormous energy on left side as if expansion of wings.

************

Desire: a feeling of want that ceases to exist yet even through satisfaction shall never be
relieved only turn into unsatiability.

*******
12 step program – 12 holy steps – a living guide for a life of holiness and sobriety.

He says to me I have an innate goodness. One that can be seen a mile away. Am I really
made of the goodness? How do I radiate this goodness?

*******

I have straight hair. Each time I try and alter my appearance by curling my hair, it would
never really work out. The texture of my hair will only dry up and look frizzy. It is only
when I leave my hair to its natural state will it agree with my wants.

Does image reflect our spirituality? Can our image affect our spirituality? As image is a
perception was project to those around us it may be possible to enliven a different persona
to others of how we are feeling.

When tampering with our natural state and succumbing to fashion trends, our body can
choose to reject such styles.

************************

Astral experience:
Begins with a dream. Watching fireworks above a hillside. Many people around and I am
walking with mum. We both start to float. I tingle and rise higher than her. I feel a breeze
around me and realise I am floating in a void. I keep on rising until I feel as if I will hit a
spherical dome. To my right I feel a presence in the form of light. I spin around on my
back and the light moves around me. It is now under, to my left and above me. Then
again to my right. I try and call to a master in the darkness and I begin to see a figure
outline. I take back my request and try to wake myself. I am back in my bed and I hear a
voice say ‘get out of bed and walk around’. I feel myself push upwards but am scared. I
shake away the tingles and wake up.

************************

Dream 27 Aug 2002

Sitting in a lounge room listening to the wireless. I hear a voice call out to me ‘Inez Inez
help me’ I understand the frequency of the radio is picking up the vibrations of someone
trying to contact me. I am scared and wake up.

Mis-En-Scene 41
******************

Does consciousness come with knowledge? Does a baby display consciousness? How can
oe tell when knowledge –consciousness begins?

Mis-En-Scene 42
‘need to have a concept of totalitarianism society to know freedom’ eg one must know
what is like not to have freedom to experience freedom.

I have chosen parents or I have chosen a restrictive personality to experience the tough
strength of human emotion. I bind myself with rules and thoughts so that one day I may
loosed my grip or loosen their grip to know and experience freedom.

*******************
Humility in Knowledge

Why must people show their intelligence? Does it prove they are better than those who do
not know? Are those who keep quiet and absorb information but do not show it off seen as
‘stupid’ or ‘unintelligent’? and once these people do divulge information those who think
they are more intelligent dismiss their ideas as they have never said anything intelligent
before.

*******************

Dream 7.10.02

I am A’s mistress in the 16th century. He is a lord who lives in a castle with a moat. We are
in the room and I say to him that his wife will find out. He tells me no. Bugs crawl all over
me but A doesn’t notice, instead when I complain he tell s me that I am weak. Switch. We
are standing in the moat water and realise there is a fire under the castle. I am there with
2 other men in cardinal clothes. The fire continues and ravishes the entire castle which
was made from wood. A girl speaks French and runs for the house. I understand what she
says as she points to the first aid box. Then she collapses in front of me and I watch as a
slug crawls into her and slithers underneath the skin of her back.

Mis-En-Scene 43
First Meditation

Descartes and his philosophy of mind and body – on the true existence of our being. Do I
really exist? Am I just dreaming life and my existence? and, on what basis should I trust
my senses?

These are some of the questions that Descartes raises in the first of his meditations and
here we are a few centuries later still asking the same questions.

Descartes shows us that we shouldn’t rely on what deceives us. To him, our senses can
lead us to deceive ourselves through our perceptions. He gives us the example of a piece
of wax that all our senses can perceive to be a piece of wax but when melted, looks
different and feels different and even smells different, yet we still call it wax. Why so? He
asks. Our senses tell us it is no longer the same object but yet we still call it the same
name. Have our senses deceived us? Yes, Descartes continues, thus the reason why we
shouldn’t rely on them.

As Descartes examines his mind and thoughts, he questions reality - as we cannot tell
whether we are asleep or awake. As he sits in his pajamas by the fireside he is unsure of
the reality of such a state. He feels as if everything is real, once again relying on his
senses but cannot trust them, for they have deceived him once before.

Let us reflect upon Descartes view on life, beginning with his thoughts and feelings towards
what we see as existence.

Descartes wants to affirm his beliefs to seek true knowledge and existence. He begins by
examining each of his beliefs and rationally doubting them to arrive at a priori . It must be
established that when Descartes uses the term “doubting” it is not to doubt everything all
the time but at least once in a lifetime to doubt those things which we take for granted.

I shall start where Descartes is trying to form a foundation of his belief system, where he
knocks down his prior beliefs and begins to build.

He says that he needs a reason to doubt his beliefs and to formulate a new system. This
would have been so radical in his day and age, but to do this during contemporary times, is
there a reason to doubt ones beliefs?

If we examine contemporary life, we see society as having already doubted their beliefs.
Religion has now become an individual matter and one can formulate their own thoughts
on the subject, whereas before it was seen as a societal belief, and those traditional
boundaries of culture, being now intermingled with those cultures whose traditions have
been dissolved, are no longer relevant to be doubted as there are no things to doubt.
Please note the author is not taking into account Eastern societies where tradition is still
very much a social issue.

Continuing onto Descartes’ dream argument, the desire to ascertain whether he is really
asleep or awake would have been quite a preoccupation during times when such ideas
could not really be proven. With the scientific knowledge we have at present, such
hypotheses could be tested out and proven.

The above is to give the oppositions point of view.

The infinite question is upon existence. Whether we exist, how we exist and can it be
proven that we exist

Descartes brings to our attention the concept of mind and thought. For these to exist is a
certainty that “a being” exists.

To put in my own point of view and to interlink Descartes two strong points, I have often
wondered on the dream and reality state of this existence (NB: the term used is
“existence” and not “life”, for “life” is yet to be defined and explained). To take Descartes
reason of “I think, therefore I am”, to mean that only our mind is sure of existence, if we
are in the dream state and only exist as mind or thought – can we actually BE experiencing
those activities experienced in the dream state such as actually travelling to another place;
actually meeting people we talk to or see in dreams; or actually able to speak a foreign
language without prior knowledge of such skills?

Mis-En-Scene 44
Second & Third Meditation

At the beginning of the second meditation, Descartes is sure of his existence. He proves
that even through doubting, it is an affirmation that he exists. But he is still in a state of
uncertainty about the existence of anything else. At this point, I find it difficult to see how
Descartes can prove that anything else can exist if he is sure that his thoughts exist how
else can he prove that anything else outside of his mind exists?

Descartes uses reasoning to explain his theories. Using the wax example Descartes shows
us that through observation there are different features and senses are useful to teach us
about these differences in an object. But our senses cannot give us a clear and distinct
explanations of the object. This makes us confused as we don’t understand the things we
are perceiving. What is the wax really like rather than how it appears to us. Descartes
defines wax as having an “extended appearance” as it does have some sort of size but
cannot give it certain characteristics. He shows us that the true reality of things can only
be seen through clear and distinct ideas.

Our knowledge of the external world is second to our own mind. Anything else we know
about the world is more certainty of our existence. But how can we know about the world
except through our own sensory experience?

One cannot know how an object feels like unless one touches it. As much as they could be
imagining how an object feels, unless an object is touched, no feeling an be imagined. And
if feeling can be imagined, it is only through previous experience of touching a similar
looking object that one can assume how it will feel like – but then again we can be
deceived since an object that looks hard may turn out to be soft.

Humans are fallible. Descartes tries to answer the questions of why do we makes
mistakes? How worried should we be about errors and how do we make mistakes?
Descartes wants to show that yes, we do make mistakes because we jump to conclusions
and we don’t try hard enough to make our ideas clear; we are impatient and we don’t
follow valid procedures of reason. This gives him the task to show that we can only trust
our clear and distinct ideas because truths are apparent in the light of reason. Eg there is
no such thing as a square circle.

Here I agree with Descartes. Mistakes do often occur through irrational thinking processes.
But if people are innately irrational they would always make mistakes and therefore no
rational conclusion will ever be derived. And for him to assume that people are rational
beings, I disagree, since most people can come up with their own logic which may not
seem rational to others. So who determines what is rational? Only those who follow their
own logic.

In the third meditation Descartes has an idea of God as being a perfect being; completely
good and knowing and he is sure that he exists. He relinquishes the idea of an evil demon
as he takes for granted that deception is bad. Where do we get the idea of God? Descartes
shows that ideas are either innate, acquired or a product of imagination. He continues to
make the distinction between formal reality which he says is the actual reality and
presentational reality which is the appearance of an object.

Descartes continues, something which is an idea must have come from a God, as it is such
a hard idea to make up a God and it just cant be made up. A formal reality must have
presentational reality.

What does it mean to have the conception of the infinite? Has this conception of God been
created due to God creating us in his likeness? When these question arose in the lecture, it
raises a religious beliefs. For if one is innately religious there is no argument to question
the existence of God. If one has acquired religion, they have formed their own image of
God in their mind from what they have read. And if this idea is too great to imagine, then
the atheists will have no problem with this ideology and may be correct in their beliefs.

We ask whether Descartes could have looked for a different foundation, for example to use
senses rather than reason. With Descartes mathematical background, reason is the only
foundation he would be able to use to prove an objective point. If empirical knowledge
was used, his argument would only come from a subjective point of view.

Mis-En-Scene 45
Idealism

Berkeley’s idealist theory of the world only consists of ideas and how they are perceived.

He states that ideas of imagination or dreaming or memory are less strong, lively and
distinct than those of sense which constitute the real world. Secondly, they differ in their
relation to us; the ideas of imagination and memory are brought before our minds by our
own decision, whereas the ideas of sense are independent of our will. For example, I can
decide to think about trees but whether I see a tree when I open my eyes is quite beyond
my control. Thirdly, the ideas of sense have a steadiness, order and coherence, and are
not excited at random, as those which are the effects of human wills often are, but in a
regular train or series. In dream, imagination or illusion anything can happen, but in the
real world the train of ideas is determined by the laws of nature.

But, surely there is nothing easier than to imagine trees in park, or books existing in a
closet, and nobody by to perceive them - there is no difficulty in it. But what is all this
more than putting in your mind certain ideas called books and trees, and at the same time
omitting the idea that one may perceive them? But does one not perceive or think of them
all the time? To this Berkeley has an answer: “This therefore is nothing to the purpose; it
only shrews you have the power of imagining, or forming ideas in your mind; but it does
not show that you can conceive it possible the objects of your thought may exist without
the mind. To make this out, it is necessary that you conceive them existing unconceived or
unthought of; which is a manifest repugnancy.”

So even if I sit and concentrate on something else such as daydream in class; as much as I
am engrossed in this distraction, and I forget the rest of the room and the environment
around me to exist they still do exist.

As an example of reality, we may choose to sit and watch one TV program or another, or
not to watch at all; but although we can choose between different programs, we cannot
determine the content of the program which we have chosen; whereas in imagination the
program is indefinitely variable at will.

Using another one of Berkeley’s arguments, if I handed a blind person a cubic object and
told him it was a cube and then handed him a spherical object and told them it was a
sphere which they only recognised through the sense of feeling/tactility – if that blind
person gained sight, would they be able to recognise the cubic object to be a cube or a
spherical object to be a sphere through the sense of sight rather than through touch?

Berkeley relies principally on the so-called argument from illusion, on such facts as that
water can feel hot to one hand and cold to another and that a penny will look a different
shape from different angles.

Berkeley claims that the physical world is immediately available to the senses, so that
there is no cause to doubt its existence; but if the world is to be an imperceptible and
unimaginable matter distinct from the ideas we have, then there is cause for doubt of
existence.

Berkeley expounds on the existence of objects in relation to words and language used. As
most parts of knowledge have been so strangely perplexed and darkened by the abuse of
words, and general ways of speech wherein they are delivered, that it may almost be made
a question whether language has contributed more to the hindrance or advancement of
the sciences. Since words are so apt to impose on the understanding, he resolved in his
inquiries to make as little use of them as he possibly can by stating “whatever ideas I
consider, I shall endeavour to take them bare and naked into my view; keeping out of my
thoughts, so far as I am able, those names which long and constant use hath so strictly
united with them”.

He discourses upon primary and secondary qualities where he follows John Locke’s theory.
Locke begins by saying that primary qualities are utterly inseparable from bodies. He
seems to mean that these qualities are defining properties of body; perhaps some bodies
are colourless, soundless or tasteless, but an extended body, a body with no shape would
be a contradiction in terms; and nothing which has these properties can ever cease to have
them, whatever be done to it, whereas a body may be deprived of smell, its taste or colour.
Essentially he is saying that primary qualities are inseparable from bodies, while secondary

Mis-En-Scene 46
qualities are not; there may be bodies which lack the power to cause sensations of colour,
smell, taste etc... Locke holds that all our sensations whether primary/secondary, are
caused by the impact of insensible atoms on our sense organs, the motions thus generated
being then transmitted by the nerve to the brain; these sensations he calls ideas. Using
this terminology he claims that ideas of primary qualities (shape, bulk, motion etc)
resemble qualities themselves but ideas of secondary qualities do not resemble anything in
the body or the powers which are the secondary qualities.

Final Meditation

This week we return to Descartes’ “Final Meditation” where he brings together his ideas on
the relationship between the mind and body.

Dualism argues that the mind is distinct from the body and can exist without the body.
Descartes describes the mind as a completely different substance from anything else. The
mind is characterised by thought. It is distinct, not extended, no shape or form and is
separate from the brain. To have a consciousness is to exercise free will and the workings
of the mind cannot be explained. The mind exists independently of the body therefore the
mind can survive death (immortality of the soul).

If blood runs through our veins or our heat beats, we have no conscious control of this
action. This can be said with other “instinctual” reaction such as taste and smell. So who
controls this?

The consciousness, according to Descartes contains three features:

1. It exhibits a remarkable unity.

2. Consciousness is private. It is inaccessible to anyone else.
3. At least some aspects of consciousness are incorrigible.

I believe the consciousness displays these features as I experience a unity of my mind and
body, I know that no one can really know what I think and that I agree that consciousness
can be incorrigible.

Before reading Descartes, I had posited this question: is there a difference between
emotions and the physical body and if so, isn’t that a sign of the existence of the soul? For
emotion is reflected through our physical body but yet if one tries to suppress an emotion
by not allowing their body to reflect their thoughts and feelings, emotion is then a non-
physicality and therefore can be described as part of our soul.

One can assume the emotions of another through their physical temperament – if angry,
eyes will bulge, muscles tense etc, but if one is angry and practices “shelving” their anger,
their body language may represent annoyance or be misinterpreted by other emotions; but
yet internally still feeling the initial pangs of anger.

Plus there are a number of emotions that although are termed, cannot readily be noticed in
the physical sense: melancholy, greed, abandonment, the list continues, yet these are all
“internal” emotions and therefore can be expressions of the soul.

One can also deny ones feelings and outwardly reflect an opposite persona, such as a
parent loving their child, yet angry at their disobedience.

Thus I still hold this interpretation after reading Descartes when he states that emotion is
part of the mind. He sees it as a mode of the mind whereas a physical motion is a mode
of the body.

Within this Final Meditation Descartes develops an argument for indivisibility. He points
out the unity of consciousness – all action of the mind are all the actions a person does as
one while the body can but cut into parts; that the mind is indivisible whereas the body is
divisible.

With this rational argument, I cannot disagree. I know my mind cannot be divided in the
physical sense of the word and yes, my body can be cut up into parts. I could argue a non-
physical divisibility but since I see the body as a physical object, I cannot devise a non-
physical indivisibility argument.

Mis-En-Scene 47
If consciousness is the major difference between people and animals where animals do not
exercise free will, and therefore have no consciousness how is it that if I call my dog and
she does not come, I can tell that she is obstinately disobeying me through her choice.
Thus, if having “choice” or freewill constitutes as having a soul, then I believe that my dog
does have a soul. If the argument is based on instincts, well even humans have instinctual
powers yet they may not listen to them as their consciousness may get in the way of their
natural instincts. Thus the instinct of running away from danger may be deliberated upon a
posteriori since one may think “Well, on normal circumstances, I have never experienced
danger while walking through this area at night, so even though I feel as if danger may be
around, I shake off this feeling since based on previous experience nothing bad has ever
happened”.

Materialism

There are three types of materialism: Behaviouralism, Identity Theory and

Computationalism.

Using the pain example given to us in the lecture, let us refer back to Descartes whose
response to pain is that it is an intrinsic felt quality of a persons consciousness that is only
accessible to that person (and might for all we know vary from person to person). The
theory of Behaviourism states that to be in pain is to be disposed to exhibit pain behaviour.

Pain can be separated from pain behaviour but if one doesn’t want to show that one is in
pain, then the pain behaviours can be hidden or else felt in a different manner. Let us take
the example of masochists, they enjoy pain and the pleasure they receive from pain
prevents them from exhibiting the usual pain behaviour. For us to understand this, we
must try and understand the beliefs and motives on why a person acts in a certain way.
Using this theory, it is a possibility to be in a better position to understand others which in
turn help us understand ourselves.

The Identity Theory identifies the mind as being identical to the brain. All thoughts which
are separate from the brain are the workings of the brain.

Using the pain example, this theory states that pain is a particular neurological state.
Mental states are part of the central nervous system that are apt for producing certain
ranges of behaviour. This is equivalent to lightning being an electrostatic system.

The advantage of this ideology is that it overcomes the mind and body problem stating
that the mind is the workings of the brain. Thus, to investigate the mind, science has to
find out more on how the brain functions.

Computationalism believes that the mind is similar to a computer program. Metal states
are to the brain as a computer is to the hardware.

Using the pain analogy, pain is to be in a state where the computers role is of producing
pain. This logic is as follows:

1. Computers are machines that manipulate representations in a systematic way.

2. Mental states cause behaviours and other mental states in a systematically.
3. Mental states represent/symbolise states of affairs.
4. Thus mental states are just like the internal states of a computer program.

As an analogy to computationalism, let us examine Searle’s “Chinese Room” theory. If you

place a person in a room who doesn’t understand Chinese, but place with him a set of
characters and instructions of how to put them together and pass the information out of a
slot each day, will lead people to believe that this person does know how to write Chinese
but in essence, this person was just processing information given to them.

To explain consciousness is a big problem for materialists. They say that the
consciousness can never be explained in material/physical terms yet it is very special.

Nagel states that consciousness feels like something and that animals do have a
conscience. Consciousness is subjective to character and the internal world through
sensations eg touch, taste, smell etc. Something tells us which is independent to what it
really is. For example, we taste food differently from another person. The felt quality of

Mis-En-Scene 48
expression cannot be described to others. It is connected to a point of view of how to
express the world. We may be able to describe a colour with another sense eg red can be
described as a “hot” colour.

If we were to imagine what it was like to be a bat, then we would have to imagine having
sensory facilities which are different from our own – such as sonar, hanging upside down
etc. We cannot imagine having the same body as a bat so really we cannot know what it is
really like. Such as in Metamorphosis by Kafka. Therefore, can the limits of our
imagination affect what is true or false?

Personal Identity

The question to be defined is “What makes a person the identical person over time” and
after discussing this, “Can we survive the death of our body?”.

Firstly let us make a distinction between Persons and Human Beings. The term Persons can
be taken in a metaphysical, philosophical sense. It can be applied to beings from another
planet or to those who display similar characteristics to people. Whereas Human beings is
used in terms of species. Not all Humans are Persons nor are Persons always Human
Beings.

Let us say for example a human being is rendered unconscious, and may not ever regain
consciousness. Others may not treat him as a person and he may then respond differently.

But how can we define the character of a person? Is it through intelligence, emotions or
soul? If we focus on the soul-like qualities and contemplate the survival of the soul, we
must employ identity in a strict sense to exist. This is defined as the soul being identical
with itself; must be the very thing itself for example Superman and Clarke Kent are one
and the same but are not identical. This is contrasted with qualitative identity where the
soul may share the same characteristics but not the same thing.

We encounter Thomas Hobbes “Ship of Thebius” argument where if we were to replace all
the planks from an old ship and make them into a new ship, would the new ship be the
same as the old ship? Let us apply this theorum to the survival after death question – Is it
possible for the same person to exist before and after death? Would a person who
committed a crime still have guilt or remorse after 10 yrs? Is there continuity between the
past and present “you”? Is a young child different from the adult it grows into? Even if
there have been character changes along the way are they the same person? A change
such as death emerges as no longer being a numerical body.

Within this weeks dialogue the question is raised - If identity really is the immaterial soul,
how can we identify souls? Gretchen replies that she only observes what the soul produces
– character and/or consciousness. She cannot assume what defines continuity is the soul.

She continues to argue against continuity using the comparison of a chocolate with a swirl
on top. We know from experience that the chocolate with the swirl has a caramel interior.
We only know this when we bite into the chocolate; but we can’t bite into the soul.

But then again, do we have to experience the soul to say it exists? Is the continuity of
character the basis of our soul?

We can’t say what a single soul is like. It could be that the soul just has no criteria for
personal identity.

Another possibility is: does the body have identity? What makes a body be the same body
over time? If we compare this to the “ship” care – the material of the body changes over
time, a persons appearance could change alot! And biologically, body cells change over
almost every day. Nevertheless there are a continuity of the body. We know who we are
without observing our bodies. We take for granted that we have the same body over time
as that is what gives us continuity of identity over time. If we use the Metamorphosis
example where he is still the same person even inside a cockroaches body - if there is
enough change in qualitative identity therefore there will be a change in numerical
identity.

Mis-En-Scene 49
This is such as in the case of memory loss, one is in the same body but if cannot remember
who they are, then their body doesn’t mean anything. Therefore, if the body doesn’t given
continuity then maybe memory does.

John Locke talks about swapping bodies between a cobbler and a prince. They find
themselves in the other’s body and so they have to learn to cope with the others life. What
seems plausible is that even though the princes soul and the cobblers are swapped –
everyone still treats them by how they are on the outside – there is physiological
continuity.

If the stretches of consciousness is linked together by memory what happens if a person

has memory loss or amnesia? Does the old person cease to exist. If a person commits a
crime but then loses his memory should they be punished? Someone who is 80 may forget
memory from when they are 12 yrs old – are they the same/different person.

Serious problems arises from the idea that one cannot always be sure that all our
memories are true, such as false memory (pseudo-memory)

Memory criteria

1. Are either actual memories or merely seeming memories.

2. Identity cannot be determined by seeming memories so it must be determined by
actual memories.
3. What makes an autobiographical memory an actual memory? That the rememberer
really did the thing they remember doing?
4. What determines that a person really did as they remember doing? That it be the very
same person who both remembers doing the thing and who did it?
5. Runs in a circular argument of personal identity since personal identity is required to
determine whether or not a memory is actual and actual memory is required to
determine personal identity.

To overcome the above problems, we have to show that memories were caused in the right
way by giving an account of how memories came about. One may give another an
external account of having a memory which is when others keep telling another a story
about what they did, making them believe that they really had the experience.

Then there is the duplication argument which is if the memory caused in the right way and
that is what identity is, is it possible for someone else to have the exact same memory?

In the dialogue the following points were raised:

1. God caused to link my earthly consciousness with my heavenly one. Is this enough for
me to survive death?
2. If God makes one, can God make two such connections and make them with a person
who goes on to live different heavenly lives? Or three or thousand or infinitely many?
3. Which life am I to anticipate? Which is mine? I cannot be identical to many distinct
persons.
4. I must be identical to none of them.

In order to have personal identity, one must have a unique connection between who one is
and the other person. What if there is a different brain inside a different body – there is
then psychological continuation. If the brain in another body and is duplicated in a third
body, can the brain be distinguished? Is memory part of the brain?

Mis-En-Scene 50
Personal Identity II

I have often thought of the immortality of the soul. Before studying philosophy and looking
at this argument from a rational and non-religious perspective I had my own set of ideals
which I would like to share with you.

We are faced with the question of personal identity, what makes me, “me”. I stand before
you with arms and legs, a torso and a head – that is only my physical appearance. Then
there is my character – my desires, thoughts and emotions which you cannot see. These
are the two parts of what makes me who “I” am.

In my perspective, I do not associate the physical aspect of “the body” as being part of
identity. It can change over time, biologically through the change of body cells, in
appearance through the clothes we wear, makeup, a new hairstyle and dramatically
through cosmetic surgery. We can grow fat or thin, and when we grow old, we shrivel up
and wrinkle, no longer resembling how we looked 20 to 30 years earlier.

Now, if we have a look at character, being described as my desires, thoughts and

emotions, which I deem to be my soul, I would regard this as my essence – what makes me
alive. It is who “I” am. As this is an intangible object and is relative to much speculation
as to its appearance and location, I believe that the soul is a type of energy which cannot
die. The material body, which is composed of matter can easily be hurt and damaged only
to decompose after its use has been completed. Whereas the soul, this energy, cannot be
destroyed. It can survive aeons of time, outliving a material body.

Let us examine identity. What forms this “I” rather then just a ball of energy with thoughts
and emotions? What makes us the same person over time? Let us go through a checklist.
Firstly, when we are born, we are given a name. At this stage of our lives we have no
formed thoughts or character. All we do is eat, sleep, cry and grow. As a toddler,
character appears and our thoughts and desires become stronger – we decide what we
want, rather than need, and we are begin being influenced by our environment. As a
young child we interact more with others, we begin school and meet new people. Our
influential environment helps us form ideas and thoughts. As a teenager physical and
mental changes are part of the growing process. At this stage of human development we
may perceive changes within ourselves through character and thoughts. Physically we are
definitely not the same person we were as a young child, and mentally we would begin to
have different desires and thoughts. And as an adult, we would have reached a full base
form of our thoughts and desires, still going through a physical changing process up until
cessation of life. If we reflect upon the points stated above there seems to be nothing that
links us as an identity except by our name. In legal terms, this can be altered, and this
also applies to when women marry as their name would not be linked to their pre-marriage
identity.

I see that there is no link between these stages, for even memories which seem to be the
only continuous train of thought, are not a reliable linkage.

It has been aspired to that life is there for learning, to grow and to become a better person.
If this is such, why or how could anyone still be the same person as they were when they
were born? If one changes physically and mentally, then there is little trace of the original
identity.

Even though the soul, this energy, exists it doesn’t have to stay in the same form
throughout each lifetime. It evolves, just as the physical world does, the only difference it
that it is immortal and shall survive aeons of time, to visit the physical world again to
undergo the same changing or maturing process as a soul not as identity.

What is “me”? Me is for mind and emotions that makes up who “I” am.

Mis-En-Scene 51
The Existence of God

The concept of God is seen as a reflection of Western Philosophy and Christian Theology.
God is seen as a perfect being who is omnipotent (all powerful); omniscient (all knowing)
and benevolent. There are two arguments to try and prove the existence of God, either by
a priori (using reason - ontological) a posteriori (using experience - cosmological).

Using the a priori logic, we establish God by thinking of the nature of God and giving it a
definition. God exists on rational grounds rather than faith. This argument was defined by
St Ansome ??? a monk in the 12th Century.

The Ontological Argument

1. God is a being than which nothing greater can be conceived. – the most perfect; we
cannot imagine anything else.
2. Since we understand the phrase than which nothing greater can be conceived God
exists in our understanding (or intellect).
3. However, if God existed in our intellect alone, then a greater being could be conceived,
one that existed both in the intellect and in reality. – contradictory to think this being
exists.
4. But God is that than which nothing greater can be conceived.
5. Thus God cannot exist in the intellect alone.
6. Thus God exists both in the intellect and in reality.

Thomas Aquinas held an objection towards this argument wherein he held the view that
the argument depends on:
a) accepting that God exists;
b) only applies to someone who already believes God exists;
c) is a contradiction in supposing “existing in thought” rather than “existing in fact”;
d) finally, that this theory doesn’t work.

Gaumilo put forward an argument to show there is a deep flaw in the ontological argument
using the theory that if an argument can be absurd then there is a flaw in the argument.
His points are as follows:

1. We have the idea of the most perfect island, one that is better and more idyllic than
any other.
2. The idea of the most perfect island exists in the intellect.
3. However, if such an island existed in the intellect alone, a more perfect island can be
conceived – one that exists both in the intellect and in reality.
4. But the most perfect island is one that could be bettered.
5. Then the most perfect island cannot exits in the intellect alone
6. Thus the most perfect island must exist both in the intellect and in reality.

It is quite easy to conceive the non existence of God which brings us to the question of Do
we really understand the idea of God?

Descartes sees God’s existence as being essential to the concept of God. As stated on pg
131 “I can no more separate Gods existence...”. Here he describes God as:

- a supremely perfect being

- a supremely perfect being is one in possession of every perfection
- existence is a perfection
- therefore God exists.

For example, if there is are two mandarins – one that exists and looks juicy and fresh and
one that doesn’t yet it is of absolute perfection – which one would you choose?

After Thomas Aquinas had pointed out his disagreement with the ontological argument, he
developed his own theories which has since been termed the cosmological argument.
Aquinas had a deep problem using reason to describe such a concept as God use adhered
to using an experience based argument (a posteriori). He states that there are certain
facts of the cosmos that we can use as existence of God. The ideas of a necessary being
can be taken from a contingent item. So he begins from the facts of the world:

Mis-En-Scene 52
First Cause Argument

1. The world changes.

2. All change is brought about by a cause.
3. Every cause is itself brought about by a cause.
4. There cannot be an infinite chain of causes (it must start somewhere)
5. Thus there must be a first cause, something which is the cause of itself.
6. The first cause is God which must have all the above characteristics.

“Aquinas on the impossibility of an infinite claim of causes” which is a more computated

but is not absolutely clear and it may not work.

1. There are contingent beings (ie being who could have failed to exist) – there is no
necessary reason to exists (but there must be sufficient reason why these beings don’t
exist)
2. There must be a sufficient reason why any contingent being exists.
3. Contingent beings cannot exist of logical necessity so the reason why they exist must
be found in other beings.
4. Either there is a necessary being who brings about all contingent beings (either
in/directly or else there is an infinite series of contingent beings each producing
another).
5. In the first case, the first necessary being is God.
6. In the second case, the whole sense of contingent beings need some reason to exist,
something that must be supplied by a necessary being ie God.

Mis-En-Scene 53
The Existence of God II

The argument on the existence of God is a strange argument to read coming from a
spiritual person who believes in the existence of God.

Although, re-reading the cosmological argument put forward by Thomas Aquinas, I would
have to say that my views echo his ideas. In simple terms, to analyse my belief in the
philosophical sense I would follow this conjecture:

1. For the world to exist there must be a great entity that exists to create such a marvel.
2. For this great entity to exist one must have faith in the unseen.

Growing up in a Catholic background, one doesn’t question the idea of God. He is exists –
period. It is only when one grows older and tries to form their own beliefs that such
questions arise. In my own experience I have never doubted the existence of such a being.
I have only questioned the differences in religious practices and the existence of other
deities, such as Jesus Christ. How can people even create such an idea that an entity as
great and perfect as God can be personified? This was an idea that I found difficult to
fathom but faith prevails in such instances.

I do not believe that through rational discussions can one deduce the existence of God.
How can human beings agree on the concept of such an immense idea? I believe it is only
through experience can one really understand this concept of God. How can one who
doesn’t believe actually realise the strength of faith? This idea or concept of God cannot
just be a manifestation of our minds. I agree with Descartes who believes that this concept
is much too great for people just to imagine.

Non-believers may suggest that faith is all about mind over matter or auto-suggestion.
Who really knows? Who is to say that such a provocation proves the existence of God? If
prayers and faith is what makes us believe in the existence of God, the proof being that our
prayers are answered, then what else more does one need as proof? Can these answers
just be through our conception? Do we just have the power to will such deeds? If that is
so, why cannot people just pray for a million dollars and then receive it? That is not to say
that one who prays for a million dollars does receive it – but they may receive money in
doses or receive something equally as valuable.

There are many theories to continue the mind over matter argument. There is the case of
the collective consciousness wherein we can enhance our lives through positive thinking
and attract beneficial causes into our lives. Such analysts believe we all have the power to
do this. If we do, who do we owe this great mystery to? All answers lead to God.

I am not here to try and convert non-believers although I do know that through various
personal and spiritual experiences, the question on the existence of God has been laid to
rest for me. I know He exists. I know that perfect island of palm trees and white sand is a
reality.

Mis-En-Scene 54
Conversation 1:

H: So you think he good looking?

J: I was a little disappointed at his looks...

H: u just don’t want to ruin my track record eh?

J: well - you are such an expert in the field : ) : )

H: beauty is in the eye of the beholder - remember that! so when I say you look
nice.....

J: now that is below the belt : ) - no need for insults : ) But of course, I didn't say you
had bad judgment for girls - just guys. So I have a 100% total faith in what you say
about me (providing of course that its something good : ))

H: But that is theoretically flawed...if someone has bad "beauty" judgement why
should that matter whether it is a guy or girl? (so nah!) jk!

J: well, I've actually done a lot of research into the area so I'm glad you asked : ) I'd
be happy to forward you my 20,000 word thesis on this topic, but I'll just
summarise the basic points for the purposes of this email . . . . basically (was going
to spin this whole lot of crap and about the reflection of light and aura around
certain types of people - but as you know I’m not that creative) so the best a poor
logically minded economist can come up with - is that it comes down to a matter of
taste . Guys can have horrible taste in their own appearance (which they may
think looks attractive), yet are able to tell the different between a supermodel and
an average housewife. So I do believe it is possible to distinguish between guy bad
beauty judgement and girl good beauty judgement.

Actually shouldn't you be actually asking yourself that if you believe That "beauty"
judgement ability is common across both sexes, and you readily admit that you
always choose ugly boyfriends (yet think they are good looking), what are you
thinking and perhaps what may be reality when you look in the mirror each
morning!!!! : ) : ) JK (mind you, you started the insulting so you've got no-one to
blame but yourself . . :)

H: Yes I completely agree with you, but in this case I was solely referring to myself.

For some pax it may be possible to distinguish between guy/girl beauty, but what (I
surmise) if in this case, the fine line is ultimately blurred and therefore my
judgement is therefore just plain BAD! (and I just think you are sooo beautiful dah-
link!)

Now, upon reflection for self judged beauty, you may acknowledge that there are
some people who are what you or I may regard as "ugly" but upon seeing
themselves in the mirror will reassure themselves as being "pretty"...so really
beauty is in the eye of the beholder and the beholder is usually themselves.

J: However, if the judgement is just plain bad, surely the same lack of judgement is
also evident in self appraisal, or are you trying to argue a distinction of judgement
between self and external?

H: well yes didn’t I make that clear! (sheesh :P)of course...and my argument is that
even the ugliest people will think themselves pretty and so evidently no one can
really have good judgement...or else everyone can have good judgement...it can be
argued both ways...and anyway I think it is just superficial not to look past
someone’s looks and just judge them for their external edifice.

Mis-En-Scene 55
J: I disagree (surprise, surprise), people with good judgement can have an ugly
opinion of themselves (otherwise weight-watchers would not be in existence).
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but that does not necessarily mean that the
beholder will always be biased when it comes to self appraisal, or that they will be
biased upon self appraisal yet not externally Therefore, good and bad judgement
must be evident in different people and good or bad and biased judgement will also
be evident in the same person.

And that crap about looking past someone’s looks : ) What are you just trying to
put an end to the debate because your argument is just so full of holes : ) : )???

H: the holes are only apparent since I have not much time to fill them and you have
took much time to find them :P

we shall continue this another time! (it ain’t over yet!)

see ya!!!!

J: excuses, excuses. I think that's the sound of someone running from an debate that
they started yet are not able to finish : ) : ) (wimp, wimp)

JK - yeah actually got to get back to work too (so busy) : )

Have a good arvo and chat to you later

J:)

Mis-En-Scene 56
Conversation 2:

JT: you'll never guess what I bought today . . .

H: a pearl ice tea!

JT: nup - a ski jacket - for Japan and London!!!!!! Its red white and a beige kind of
colour - its sooooooooo cool (well, actually its really warm - haha I made a
joke!!!!) : )

H: corny joke!!!! :P sounds excellent you'll have to wear it next Thurs when we go for
lunch! :P hehe - just had this image of you showing me your jacket and sweating
like a pig and saying "but its new I want to wear it." :P

Jt: well after those comments - maybe I just will wear it to lunch!!!!!

H: ok :)

JT: I told Suzanne at work how mean you were and you know what she said?????? she
said - you were funny cause I would do that. So now, she's been written off as a
MEAN friend too!!! : ) : )

H: heheh - 1) we know you too well & 2)its the "absolute" truth. so I guess I'll be
seeing you in your ski jacket but before then we'll have to ask Broadway to
construct an iceskating rink/meat freezer/minature north pole by Thursday so you
wont be sweltering – and they'll build one just for you cos you are just so
"special" :)

Jt: well now this is getting VERY mean - but I have to say - nicely crafted!!!! (credit
where credit is due) It is hard to argue when it is so true. and the double meaning
on special - well there's just no come back for this one now. I have to admit defeat
- you have won this round!!!!! : ) : ) But don't worry - I will be here to fight another
day!!!! : ) : )

Mis-En-Scene 57
Conversation 3

JT : hey Inez, was just wondering how come I hadn't heard from you - thought you
might've been sick or something!!! No, sorry - can't do lunch today. I"m going to a
wedding tomorrow and still haven't got the present - so I'm going shopping with a
couple of other girls from work this lunchtime so we can get the prezzie : ( I know
your week just won't be the same without having lunch with me – but I am free
monday next wk!!!!! Oh, and partly to redeem myself - I did remember to get you a
map of canberra!!!!!!!!

H: Oh whee! Thanks Jt - you are the best!@ Monday lunch - sounds fine at this stage
but in case I have to do some shopping on Monday I'll have to cancel :P cya then at
Brdway 12pm Monday :)

Jt: I can only hope that if you cancel lunch on me on monday for shopping - can take
it as graciously as you have!!!!! : ) : ) (gag, gag) Have a great w/end and I'll see
you mon

H: Grace is only reserved for "special" people...have a good weekend too!

JT: well that's below the belt. Mind you, I did always suspect that you are "special"

H: I disagree - no one has ever labelled me "special" in any sense of the word - it has
always been "individual"..but if u suspect a special quality in my character, please
extrapolate on this as I would be very interested in reading your "special" views...
(mind the pun) ;P

JT: I hate to be the one to clear up this discrepancy for you (well I say I do but in truth -
hehehehe (evil laugh)) . . . . . the label "individual" is usually used to describe
"special" people, the only difference being that the label "individual" is used by
people close to the "special" person for the purpose of hiding the true feelings of
the labeller. Basically, the label "individual" is used by someone close to you that
doesn't want to upset you by calling you "special" even though this is what he or
she really means. So you see, really, you've been called "special" all you life!!!!! : )
- just in the nicest possible way.

H: I disagree - your argument follows what is called "begging the question" and really
has no foundation. There is no judgement as to what the meaning of the terms
"special" and "individual". Here are the exact definitions according to the
Australian Oxford Dictionary:

Special - of a particular kind, peculiar

individual - having distinct character

Please note that having a distinct character is not the same as being of a particular
kind - it is matter of fact a description of having unique and valuable
characteristics.

JT: hey - I just had the same thought - I was looking up the dictionary as you wrote
back :)

H: great minds think alike - such special people need to be given respect (some of the
time) and what better way than to show comparison to an individual character :P

JT: of course there is also the saying - fools never differ - or I think more appropriate
for this discussion - special people never differ

H: ok then - in that case - you shall always stay "special"...:)

JT: or more accurately - we are both "special" - and always will be!!!

H: no no - you will just stay "special" :) and I will never differ from being
"individual"...plus two like poles never attract and if we are good friends then we
musnt be the same!

Mis-En-Scene 58
JT: according to the Australian pocket oxford dictionary, a person described as special
can be regarded as exceptional (ie outstanding), so I am happy to be regarded as
an outstanding person, whilst you're regarded as an individual, and as such, a
person who engages in individual behaviour. Again according to the dictionary, you
can be described as a person engaging in self-centred feelings/conduct, and/or
egoism. And as you say, we're poles apart - so I guess I'm glad not to be labelled
as "individual" : )

H: Well I dont know what version of the Oxford Dictionary you are using - but I dont
mind being labelled "engaging in self-centred feelings/conduct, and/or egoism"
because I am ready to admit to such negative qualities for if I didnt have them I
wouldnt have such a balanced personality plus those qualities give a strong
character backbone whereas "exceptional" is such a single faceted charateristic -
there is only good - you can never strive to be better since you are already seen as
"exceptional". Sure, being exceptional has no character flaws but why would it be
better to have no character??? and just be seen to be plainly "exceptional"...

JT: from your argument is seems as though you are saying that it is a good thing to
have negative qualities, and this allows you to strive to be a better person - which
is also a good thing.

To me it seems as though you are contradicting yourself - why would you believe it
is a good thing to strive to be a better person, if you already believe it is not a good
thing to be exceptional - but better to have negative qualities?

It can either be good to strive to be a better person, in which case not being that
good person is by definition not good. Or, you can not be a good person (which
you see as good), in which case striving to be the better person is by definition a
waste of time because being the better
person is not good.

Hate to say - I think you lost the argument on this one - I am claiming victory. You
believe striving to be a better person - such as the exceptional person I am, is a
good thing - therefore you have just, by implication, criticised your own flaws as
you are the individual, self-centred, egotist person. hehe - I won, I won!!!!! : ) : ) : )

Mis-En-Scene 59
 My Creed

I am an egotistical artist. If it wasn’t for my ego there would be no aesthetic ambition.

I am a philosopher. I believe in questioning the world and our existence. If we do not

question this, we shall be leading a blind life not realising our full potential. We shall be
missing our goal and may not be released from this karmic cycle.

I am a writer. I share my thoughts and beliefs to those who will read me. I am my work. My
ideas belong to the world. My ideas exist separately from my body. This is proven when
they are recorded verbally or manually. This being the proof of their existence.

I am a believer. I believe in faith, the moon and the stars. I believe in oneness with you
and with the Divine. I believe in spirituality and in nature – the greatest mystery. I believe
in the greater good of humanity. I believe it is possible to eliminate evil in the world. Help
us rid the world of all evil beguiling matters such as money, thereby abolishing power,
thereby abolishing hierarchal structures, invented to show power. Power is shown through
money, intelligence, physical strength and image. These things I deny. I deny capitalist
ideologies for one with monetary drive and ambition only leads to excessive power
struggles with oneself and with others. Arise young men and women! – help bring peace to
the world through abolishing these human desires. Let us remove war from our thoughts.
Why struggle against power, with power? Only love has the strength to eliminate such evil
thoughts and feelings. Use love in all that you do – it can only result in more love.

I am a humanitarian. I look out for the greater good of humanity. Politics is the opposite –
thus, I deny politics. It gives us false hopes and dreams in making our community a better
world. It gives power to those who use it unjustly. It creates disharmony and distrust.

I believe in honesty by showing your true feelings and not creating an image of yourself.
I believe in happiness. To make others happy is the greatest joy one can experience.
I believe in inspiration – without it art and music would never exist.
I believe in mantra – the mind has more power than only one with physical strength.
I believe in smiles. To give one is to open up your heart, to receive one is a blessing.
I believe in prayer. It gives hope to those who don’t have faith and give believers a helping
hand.
I believe in life. It is a unique experience only shared between yourself and the Divine. It
is your soul.
I believe in light. It is in light that we are conceived; it is in lightness we are born and it is
lightness that we shall return to.

Mis-En-Scene 60