CHARACTERS

 Hamlet is the Prince of Denmark; he is son to the late King Hamlet; and
nephew to the present King Claudius.
 Claudius is the King of Denmark, elected to the throne after the death of
his brother, King Hamlet. Claudius has married Gertrude, his brother's
widow.
 Gertrude is the Queen of Denmark, and King Hamlet's widow, now
married to Claudius, and mother to Hamlet.
 The Ghost appears in the image of Hamlet's father, the late King
Hamlet (Old Hamlet).
 Polonius ("Corambis" in "Q1") is Claudius's chief counsellor, and the
father of Ophelia and Laertes.
 Laertes is the son of Polonius, and has returned to Elsinore from Paris.
 Ophelia is the daughter of Polonius, and Laertes's sister, who lives with
her father at Elsinore. She is in love with Hamlet.
 Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are childhood friends and schoolmates
of Hamlet, who were summoned to Elsinore by Claudius and Gertrude.

NARRATOR: "Once upon a time, there was a young Prince of Denmark… "

SCENE 1

GHOST OF HAMLET'S FATHER: Hamlet! Avenge me!

HAMLET: Dad?

GHOST OF HAMLET'S FATHER: Yes. I have returned from the dead.

HAMLET: Looks like you've returned from the buffet.

GHOST OF HAMLET'S FATHER: Why, you little... D'oh! - My son, I have some
shocking news. I was murdered. Murdered, I tells you!

HAMLET: Really?
GHOST OF HAMLET'S FATHER: Behold! As I slept, your Uncle Claudius
coughed COVID-19 on me. COVID most foul! So he could marry your mother
and become the king!

HAMLET: Yeah, that was quite a weekend.

GHOST OF HAMLET'S FATHER: Now you must avenge me. Avenge me!

HAMLET: How?

GHOST OF HAMLET'S FATHER: I don’t know. Surprise me. Surprise me!

HAMLET: Could that fat ghost be telling the truth? First, I've gotta get Uncle
Claudius to confess. Then I've gotta kill him.

GHOST OF HAMLET'S FATHER: It's cold outside. You'll need a sweater. A

sweater!

SCENE 2

CLOWN: And if your idea of a first date is burning down her village, you just
might be a Viking!

CLOWN: Now we would like to warn you, our performances tend to make
audience members blurt out hidden secrets.

CLOWN: Okay, we're gonna open it up with a little improv. Somebody shout out
a location!!

CLOWN: Okay. How about an occupation?

CLOWN: I think I heard "usurper of the throne. " Now finally, I need an object.

HAMLET: COVID 19!

CLAUDIUS: Hey, do you have diarrhea? I have diarrhea.

GERTRUDE: Sit down!

3 people recreate the murder.

CLAUDIUS: Wait a minute! I did not cough that much! --- I mean, I didn't cough
without my mask when I go outside...
HAMLET: Daddy, it's true! Uncle Claudius murdered you!

OPHELIA: Oh, great. Now Hamlet's acting crazy. Well nobody out-crazies
Ophelia. Hey, nonny nonny, with a hoo and a haw, and a nonny nonny hey!

SCENE 4

GERTRUDE: Hamlet, what'd I tell you about running with swords?

HAMLET: Someone's behind the curtain. It could be Claudius. Only one way to
find out.

POLONIUS: Ow!

HAMLET: Polonius? What are you doing behind the curtain?

POLONIUS: I hide behind curtains 'cause I have a fear of getting COVID-19.

LAERTES: Daddy's stomach is crying.

POLONIUS: Laertes, you gotta do a special big-boy job for Daddy. I need you to
avenge my death.

LAERTES: I like revenging!

SCENE 5

LAERTES: I'm gonna kill Hamlet. Here's my mad face.

CLAUDIUS: Cute kid. But just in case you don't kill Hamlet, I put some COVID-
19 on the food, on the drapes, even on Rosencrantz and Guildenstern here.

GUILDENSTERN: If Hamlet touches either of us, he's dead.

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN: Asshuuu!

CLAUDIUS: Now, Hamlet, you know the rules. Laertes here gets one practice
stab.

LAERTES: Oh, boy!

CLAUDIUS: Boy, did I bet on the wrong horse.

HAMLET: Now there's nothing to stop me from getting my vengeance.

CLAUDIUS: You sure you don't want a nice piece of fish, or to finger the drapes
a little?

HAMLET: This ends here!

CLAUDIUS: Remember me as a peacemaker.

HAMLET: And now to celebrate life! Whoa! Antibacterial gel floor!

GERTRUDE: No way I'm cleaning up this mess.

THE END