CHAPTER I I

servant of the friar. I don't

want to tell you our
profound sorrow. Since
then, though still a child, Iresentment and
have distrusted
friendship and doubted men.
We were nine brothers
1871 TO JUNE, 1872* and sisters Z.] and our mother was [brother
FROM JANUARY,
from us and by whom? By some men who unjustly snatched away
had been our friends
and whom we had treated as sacred
guests. We learned later
that our mother got sick, far from us and at an
Oh, God, I admire and respect your most sacred
advanced age.
I don't know how to describe to you my past days. I would will! The mayor,
at the beginning, deluded by the
not have been able to furnish you with anything notable ha accusations, and cautioned
net something occurred that was truly unpleasant and sad that against everything that is noble, treated my mother rudely, not
to say brutally, and later made her
I could not forget it. Have you ever felt your honor outraged. confess what they wanted
her to confess, promising to release her and to let her see her
your name tarnished, by persons who owed you many favors? children if she would say what they wanted her to say. What
My pen refuses and would have refused forever to put on paper mother could' resist, what mother would not sacrifice her ife
some remembrances
that I should like to forget if my
were not to make a succinct narration of my joys and
purpose for her children? My mother, like all mothers, deceived and
misfortunes. frightened (because they told her that if she did not say what
I will tell you that a few days after my arrival at my town, they wanted her to say, they would declare her guilty) submitted
it was decided to make me stay there and send me to to the will of her enemies and weakened. The question became
Manila
later. The day came when I had desired to study under a
teacher complicated until, oh, Providence! the mayor himself asked my
of the town. Of course, I learned
nothing more than the multip. mother for pardon, but when? When the case was already in
lication tabie. During this time an uncle of mine the Supreme Court," he asked for forgiveness because he suf
(Mr. Jose fered remorse and he was horrified by his vileness. My mother
Alberto) arrived from Europe. During his absence his wife failed
lamentably in her duties as mother and wife. He found his house was defended by Messrs. Francisco de Marcaida and Manuel
empty and his children abandoned two or three Marzan, the most famous lawyers of Manila. She finally suc
the culprit. Frantic the days before by ceeded to be acquitted and vindicated in the eyes of her judges
poor man set out to look, for the where
abouts of his wife until at last he accusers, and even her enemies., but after how long? After two
found
divorcing her but at my mother's pleading,her.he
He thought of
and a half years.
with her again. He agreed to live
passed through Calamba on his way to Biñan, In the meantime they discussed my career and they decided
where he resided. A few
days later the infamous woman, in that I should go to Manila with my brother Paciano to take the
connivance with a lieutenant of the civil course at the
guard, who was a friend entrance examinations and study the secondary
of our family, accused on June
her husband of Ateneo Municipal. I therefore went down to Manila
mother as his being a poisoner and my
accomplice
by Mr. Antonio Vivencio del
for which my
mother was imprisoned 10, 1872 and took an examination on the Christian Doctrine.
San Juan de Letran.
Rosario, a fanatical mayor,"
a arithmetic, and reading at the College of
and with this I returned
They gave me a grade of *Approved"the first time experienced
for
In his letter to to my hometown happy, having
he stayed Blunentritt,
in Biñan for "a written at
Geneva, June 10, what examinations were.
Part i, p. 100. Rizal year and a half."
(The 1887 Rizal said thar
to Calamba in
began his studies in Rizal-Blunentritt Correspondenco
Biñan in June, 1870 and
December 1871-really one year returned hono "This was called the Raal
Audiencia de Manila.
n and a half.) for
conducted by the Jesuit Fathers,
renowned
Spanish, alcaide who exercised the combined This the famous school
and judge. was
functions of town
executv their educational work.
296 297
 feast was celebrated, after whia beard. The Father was somewhat lunatic so that
A few days later the town that I would again should not
I went down to Manila, but
with sad feelings ai he surprised to find him sometimes one

become unhappy. like a child. Among my classmates disgusted himself, playing

I should mention to
some who were quite interesting and you
by me frequently. One boy or perhaps would be mentioned
22 Salcedo Street
called Florencio Gavino Oliva young
man of my own
1 November 1872.
province
had an excellent mind but was
of ordinary studiousness. One
Joaquin Garrido, a
tizo, with poor memory but bright and studious.Spanish mes
CHAPTER IV
him very much was one Moises Resembling
Santiago, mathematician and
penman. One Gonzalo Marzano who then occupied the
1872-1875
throne of Roman Emperor. You should know that in the canopied
Jesuit
Colleges, in order to stimulate students, they put up two empires,
one Roman and the other Carthaginian or Greek,
Today I'm going to relate to you my studies. As I had war, and in which the highest positions were won through chal-
at constantly
expected, I was introduced at the Ateneo Municipal to the Rev. lenges, the winner being the one who made three mistakes less
Father Minister [administrator -.Z.] who at that time was than his rival. They put me at the tail end. I scarcely knew
Father Magin Ferrando. At first he did not want to admit me Spanish but I already understood it.
either
because I had come after the period of admission was
over or because of my rather weak constitution and short After retreat I left and I found my brother waiting for
stature: me to take me home, which was about twenty-five minutes from
I was then eleven years old. But later, at the request of Mr.
Manuel Jerez [Manuel Xeres Burgos the college for I didn't want to stay in the walled city which
-Z.], nephew of the seemed to me very gloomy. I found a companion called Pastor
ill-fated Father Burgos° and now Licentiate in
Medicine, the
difficulties were removed and I was admitted. I dressed like the Millena, a boy of my own age. The house was sniall, located
rest, that is, I put on a coat with.a at Caraballo Street. A river ran alongside two corners. The house
what fervor I entered the
ready-made necktie. With consisted of a dining room, a drawing room, a sleeping room,
chapel of the Jesuit Fathers to hear
and kitchen. A bower covered the small space between the gate
Mass, what most fervent prayers I addressed to God, for in
sadness I didn't know whom else to invoke. my and the stairs. My landlady was a bachelor woman called Titay,
After Mass, I went
to class
where I saw a great number of children, Spaniards, who owed us over P300. Her mother lived with us, a good old
mestizos; and Filipinos, and a Jesuit who was the woman, an almost harmless' insane, and some young Spanish
Bech. He was a tall man, professor. mestizos, the fruits of frail love affairs. I shall not tell you how
He was called Father Jose
a
body slightly bent forward, with hasty thin, with much I suffered, nor shall I tell you my displeasures and joys.
and inspired pace, an ascetic, severe me in the class during
physiognomy, sunken, small eyes, sharp Grecian I will only tell you what happened to
nose, fine lips
forming an arch whose ends turned towards his that year. At the end of one week, I was promoted and I stayed
at noon at the Colegio de Sta. Isabel, paying there three pesos.
Father Jose A. Burgos (1837-1872) and two other
Zamora (1835-1872) and Mariano Gomez Filipino clergymen Jacinto certain number of days devoted to religious
of February 1872 on (1799-1872) A Catholic practice consisting of
weregarroted on the
Bagumbayan Field Manila
the mutiny at the Cavite
Arsenal in 1872. falsely charged of complicity17th
in
meditation and exercises.
Intramuros where many churches and
City of Manila or
1Mestizo in the Philippines is This is the Walled
found.
convents and government buildings were
Spanish mestizo is the offspring ofapplied to
Filipinos of mixed parentage;
of a Chinese and a a
Spaniard and henc
Filipino; American mestizo, of an a Filipino; a Chinese mestizo: T h i s was large boarding school for
a
girls in front of the Ateneo. Apparently
American and Filipino, etc. day boarders.
it then admitted boys as

298
299
 I was already cmperor. Ah
with A month later
I lived Pastor
time T gotprin a relhgious boy of twelve years reading the Count of Montecristo, 2" enjoying
when for the tirst
how h.app I w.is
for pr/e' In the first quarter
I won a liust prize with
the grade sustained dialogues and
delighting in its beauties and followin8
on account of some step by step its hero in
his
ot
ccellent. but afterwardsI
was disgusted revenge. Under the pretext that T
andl did not want to study hard had study universal history, I
to
wOrd utteted by mv protesor, the year, to my mistortune, me Cesare Cantu's work,"" and God
importuned my father to buy
that at the end of alone knows the benefit T
n more, got from its perusal, for
obt.ned onlh devessur n all my subjects, grade
of excellent despite my average studiousness and
withhut ettng dn first prize. spent my vacation in my my little practice in the Castilian tongue, in the
I was able to win prizes in the
folkowing year
h.71etun and I accompanied my elder SIster Ncheng to Tanauan
quarterly examinations
would have won the medal were it not for some mistakes in
and I
fr the t. wn fcast This happened, in 18/3, But my happiness
W.is nCet complee for my mother was not yet with us. I went Spanish, that unfortunately I spoke badly, which enabled the
young man M. G., a European, to have an advantage over me
INI her then atone without telling my father about it. This in this regard. Thus, in order to study the third
was after the school term and I told her that I received accessit, year course, T
With what delight I surprised her! But afterwards we embraced had to return to Manila and found Doña Pepay without a room
cach other wecping lt was almost more than a year that we had for boarders. I had to stay at the hosue of D. P. M. together
not seen cach other. Even now I remember with sad pleasure
with a rich fellow townsman called Quintero. I was discontented
the mute scene that occurred hetween us. Ah, how cruel men because they were strict with me but I kept regular hours which
are towards their fellow men! I visited her again.
was good for me. I prayed and played with the landlord's children.
My mother was not delayed in coming out free, acquitted, and
When vacation was over. I had to return to Manila to enroll
vindicated, and as soon as she was out she came to embrace
for the second year course and to look for a landlady inside the
walled city. for I was tired living outside the city. I found one
me. I wept..
on Magallanes Strect. number 6, where After two months and a half, I left that house and returned
lived an old lady called to the recently vacated room in the house of my landlady, Doña
Doña Pepay. widow, with her
daughter, also a widow,called
Doña Encarnacion with four sons. Jose,
Rafael, Ignacio and Pepay, and returned also to the same life as before. As a result
Ramon othing of what happened to me in my studies, as I have already narrated,
extraordinary happened
to me this year, for
my professor was the same as the iast year. I I received only the first prize in Latin, that is, a medal, not like
classmates
one
only had other last year, so that I returned to my hometown discontented,
rather, I encountered
or
again three who were my
classmates in Biñan. They were called Justiniano though I knew that many would have danced with joy for less.
and Santiago Carrillo. At Sao-jono, Angel My family resolved to put me in the college as a boarder. Indeed
the end of the I won a medal
and I returned to year it was time for I was giving very little attention to my studies.
my hometown. I visited
my mother again
alone and there. like another Iwas already approaching thirteen years and I had not yet made
a dream of hers.
Joseph. I
predicted, interpreting classmates. Until here lasted my
that within three
months. she would be released, any brilliant showing to my
a
prediction that realized by accident.
was happiest days, though short; but what does it matter if they
But this time I, were short?
began to devote
read1ng of novels. though yearsmyself
to the in my leisure hours
El Ulimo before I had already read Calamba, 7 April 1879.
Ahencerraje, but I didn't read it with ardor. Imagine
71Second prize.
Spanish version of Le Dernier des Abencer father (1802-1870)
Rene de Chateaubriand ages a novel by Viscount Francols novel of Alexander Dumas,
(17681848) A
entitled Universal Histor.
300 24Ca
Cantu's book was

301
 CHAPTER V ones, are received by the big ones with
jokes, so it was on my
first day, my pranks having attracted their
attention. In a chorus
they teased me and when they calmed down I told them in
IN COLLEGE
TWO YEARS tranquil voice: "Gentlemen, thanks." Since then they respecteda
me and they didn't tease me
maliciously. Excepting a few. al
Soon to become eighteen years
old and disillusioned, scarcelu my companions were good, simple, pious, just, and amiable.
threshold, I direct my glance toward There was no one among us who would want to control the rest
have I stepped on life's
like a traveler who, feeling fo by force, for power is achieved through skill. I had the luck to
that happy period of my life,
the first time the breath of the tempest, already
engulfed, turns win if not the love at least the esteem of all of them. The names
reminds him of his peacefnl of some of my classmates shall never be
his glance toward the shore that erased from my memory,
hours. Ah. I weep for you. placid
hours that disappeared from among them that of one Jovellanos, of one Lete (Enrique) and
the scene of my life more rapidly and fugaciously than lightnin of others whose enumeration would be very pleasant for me but
that shines on the dark road of the traveler. So sad is my situation I foresee will be vexing to the reader.
that I doubt if I had ever been happy at al! for I doubt if those
Our Professor was a model of uprightness, earnestness, and
days had ever existed. love of the advancement of his pupils; and so much was his zeal
During vacation my sisters made clothes for me and durine that I, who scarcely spoke very ordinary Spanish. at the end of
that time also my sister Narcisa nmarried..I cannot portray a short time, succeeded already to write it moderately well. His
here what I felt on seeing the sep ration of a sister whomI name was Francisco de Paula Sanchez. With his aid I studied
loved so much . . . and notwithstanding it had to be thus. mathematics, rhetoric, and Greek with some advantage. Often
Ienteied college then on 16 June 1875. My classmates I got sick with fever despite the gymnastic exercises that we
received me well. The brother wardrobe-keeper assigned to me had, in which I was very much behind, though not so in drawing
an alcove located in the corner of the under a teacher worthy of his name and under whose guidance
dormitory looking out to
the sea and the embankment. It consisted of' a
space of about I still continue to study. >'m proud to tell you, reader. that I
wo square varas." an iron bedstead on which
they placed my spent this year better than anybody else as a student, as a man.
bedding. a small tabie with a basin, which a servant filled with and as a Christian. Ten months passed that I haven't written
water, a chair and a clothes rack. I
forgot to say that in the anything in my diary because I don't waht to relate to you
little table I had a drawer
with soap. comb, brushes for. the hair inspired occurrences, and thank God I won five medals with an
and for the teeth. immense pleasure for with them I could somewhat repay my
powder, etc. My little money that amounted
to some eight
pesos, I kept under my pillow. We didn't go to father for his sacrifices. What sentiments of gratitude did not
the alcove but twice a then spring from my heart and with what sad delight I keep
day regularly, once at siesta to wash and them still! After having bidden farewell to my superiors, teachers
again at night to sleep. On holidays. in the afternoons, we dressed
and we went out for a stroll. and companions, I left. Who has not felt the vague melancholy
The rest of the time we
the study hall, at recess, in the spent in that seizes the heart upon separating
from one's companions?
classes. in the dining room, and if he has enjoyed the favor
in the chapel. fourteen year_,
Who, at the age of
the transition from childhood
In of the Muses, does not shed tears on
spite of my thirteen
small. and as
years to
it is known that new
fourteen, I was still very to young manhood?
students, especially the small of a father who
My arrival at my hometown in the company
somewhat my sorrow, and I spent my
idolized me mitigated
25A vara is a measure of length, about 32 inches.
vacation in the best way possible.
302 303
 three months and I began to
At last the end of the term
I college after
returned to
that I took was different. I wa came and the same
thing hap
study again, though the subjectwas a philosopher. had other
pened to me. I carried away another five medals
in the fifth year, already I
and Minoves, the first One
indulgence with which my superiors treated me and to to the
due
Vilaclara little luck in winning them. The day before the my no
professors, called Fathers
of whom liked mevery much
and to whom | was somewhat distribution
prizes, feeling tormented me, the saddest and most
a of
philosophy, physics, chemis that melancholy
ungrateful. Although I was studying I had ever felt. On
thinking
that I had to leave that
try, and natural history
and in spite of the fact that Father of peace in which was
somewhat
asylum
Vilaclara had told me to give up the society
of the Muses and
to have bitter
opened my mind and my heart
began sentiments, I fell into a profound sadness.
give them a last goodbye (which
made me cry), in my leisure The last night on going to my
hours. I continued speaking and cultivating
the beautiful language dormitory and considering that
of Olympus under the direction of Father Sanchez. So sweet is
night would be the last I would spend in my peaceful alcove,
because, according to what they said, the world was
their society that after having tasted it, I cannot conceive how waiting for
me, I had a cruel presentiment which
a young heart can abandon it. What matters, I said to myself.
The moon shone mournfully,
unfortunately was realized.
the poverty that is the eternal companion of the Muses? Is there iluminating the lighthouse and the
sea, presenting a silent and grand
anything sweeter than poetry and sadder than the prosaic spectacle which seemed to
tell me that the next day another life awaited me. I was unable
positivism of metallic hearts? Thus I dreamed then! to sleep until one o'clock in the
morning. It dawned andI
dressed. I prayed fervently in the chapel and commended my
I studied the fifth year course with the same success as the life to the Virgin so that when I should step into that world
previous one, though under other circumstances. Upright, severe which inspired me with so much terror, she would protect me.
philosophy. inquiring into the why of things attracted also my The prizes were distributed, they gave me the degree of Bachelor
attention as did poetry, beautiful as she alone can be, playing of Arts, and I believe that any young man who was fifteen years
with the charms of nature and
leaving traces that breathe sublim- old, loved by his companions and professors, with five medals
ity and tenderness. Physics, lifting up the veil that covers many and the degree of Bachelor of Arts, the dream of the student
things, showed me a wide stage where the divine drama of nature
of the secondary course, should be very much contented.But,
was performed. The
movement, sound, warmth, light, electricity, alas, it did not turn out that way! I was sad, cold, and pensive.
a thousand varied
phenomena, the most beautiful colors and Twa or three tears rolled down my cheeks, tears offered as in
delicate beauties entertained me
tion plunged me into a world of
during my free hours. Polariza- farewell to the time past, to my good luck that would never
not yet
mysteries from which I have come back, to my peace that soared to heaven leaving me alone
emerged. Ah, how beautiful is science when the one on earth. Imagine it and you will feel it, if you have a heart.
teaching it knows how to embellish it! Natural
to me somewhat history seemed Now it remains for me to evaluate the two years that I
of history and the
antipathetic. Why, I asked myself, if the
perusal consider the happiest of my life, if happiness consists in living
and of crystáls
description of the birds and flowers, of animals without vexatious cares. In what way have I advanced, that is,
captivate me so
them reduced to a harsh order much, why do I loathe seeing
and wild animals mixed with
tame ones? Shells
pleased me very much
for their w.E. Retana, Rizal's Spanish biographer, writes
in his Vida y escritos del

inhabited the beaches ofbeauty

because I knew that they and
Dr. Jose Rizal (Madrid, 1907, p. 30):
innocent imagination dreamed and which mny sixteen years, or rather when he left
"Rizal at the age of scarcely
the most beautiful waters treading on them I
of the seas and lakes imaginea
. .

the Ateneo with the degree of Bachelor

of Arts in his pocket, was studious,
of moral honesty; and besides
Sometimes I seemed to see a lapping my modest, great
goddess with a shell that I sawfeet.in
very studious; reflective,
with the grade of excellent in all the subjects and w o n through
the shelf. having passed
had shown signs of being a poet, and
competition almost all the prizes,
cannot be said of all men."
designer. In truth, the s a m e

304
305
 the first year of my residence in in
what had I learned during learned? CRAPT VI
What did I get from what I had
college?
with very little knowledge ot
I entered college still a child APRIL T
mind, and almost witho DECEMBER 1877
Spanish, with a moderately developed
of analyzing myself, of Wake up, heart, kindle
refined sentiments. By force of study, again your extinguished fire so that
I was little by little
aspiring higher, of a thousand
corrections, in its warmth you may remember that time which I dare not
transformed thanks to the beneficent
influence of a zealone iudge. Go, thinking mind, and go again
professor. My morality at that time
makes me now sigh on through those places,
recall those moments in which you drank together
of my with the nectar
remembering that state of sweetest tranquility spirit. By the bitter gall of love and
cultivating poetry and rhetoric, my sentiments were further ele.
disappointment.
vated and Virgil, Horace, Cicero, and other authors showed me
After the vacation period of that memorable
year, I looked
for a house in Intramuros" and I found one on Solana
another road through which I could walk to attain one of my Street,
whose landlord was a priest. My mother said that I had
aspirations. I don'i know if my present state makes me see the
with what I knew and I should
enough
beauty of the past and the sadness of the present, but the truth not return to Manila
anymore.
is that when I was a college student, I never wanted to leave
Had my mother a presentiment of what was
going to happen
to me? Has the heart of mothers, in fact, double vision?
college and that now I would give anything to get over this
terrible age of youth. Had I been perchance like the brook that I enrolled in metaphysics, because, besides
my doubt about
while following its delightful way amidst willows and dense the career that I would follow, my father wanted me to
study
flowers smiles and frolics and upon being converted into a torrent it, but so little was my inclination for it that I didn't even buy
angrily and turbuiently flings itself until it is buried in the sea? the textbook used by the other students. I found myself in Manila
as if stupefied. A fellow collegian of mine, who had left college
secondyear incollege resembled the first with the difference
that patriotic sentiments as an exquisite three months before and lived at that time on the same street
sensibility had been
greatly developed in me. It passed like the first among principles as I, was the only friend I had then. My house companions were
of logic, physics, and
poetical compositions. I had advanced from Batangas, recently arrived at Manila. My friend M. went
Somewhat in the cultivation of the Muses so much that I had to our house every Sunday and other days and afterwards together
composed a legend which suffered very slight correction by my we would go to Trozo to the house of a grandmother of mine,
professor and a dialiogue which was staged for the first time at friend of his father. For me the days passed happily and silently
the end of the schooi
term, alluding to the students' farewell. until one Sunday when we went to Trozo, we encountered there
a girl of about fourteen years fresh. pleasant, winsome who
Goodbye then beautiful, unforgettable period of my life,
twilight which will not shine again! If my eyes no brief received my companion with much familiarity, from which I
upon recalling you, my heart melts and seems to be
longer shed tears deduced that she might be his sister who I already had heard
have your memory here in oppresscd! T was going to marry a relative whose name I didn't
remember.
my heart, in mind, in In fact we found there a tall man, dressed nicely, who seemed
being. Farewell fortunate hours of my lostmychildhood, my to the
whole
bosom of pure Innocence fly to be her fiance.She was short, with expressive eyes, ardent
which created you to sweeten the
moments of tender hearts.

The walled city of Manile

Manila, 1, December 1879. ariano Katigbak of Lipe, Bstenges.
Segunde Katigbek.
Menuel Luz of Lipe. Bstangas.
306 307
 smile so bewito
at other times, pinkish, a
at times, and drooping very beautiful teet. I don't remember how
ing and provocative that
revealed some
eth; our conversation
began, but I do
with an air of a syiph, I
don't know what alluring somethin remember that she
asked me what
flowers
the most beautiful wom her that liked all, but that I
I I liked best. I told
She was not
was all over her being.
seen one
more bewitching and allurine ones. She told me that she
preferred the white and the black
I had seen but I had never liked the white and the
but I excused myself because real ally and she became pensive; but later she pink ones
They told me to sketch her, added:
me and I drew a grotesque
I didn't know. Finally they compelled Yes, I also like the black
whether due to the lady with hes ones."
picture. 1 played chess and I kept quiet.
her or I was flattered or I didn'
fiance or I was distracted seeing
know, the fact was I lost!
Now and then she looked at me and "Have you a
sweetheart?" She asked me after a moment
about novels and other thines of silence.
I blushed. At last they talked
in the conversation with
about literature and then I took part "No". I
woman K, entered replied, "I never
thought of having because I
advantage. That day passed until the young who
one
know well that no one would pay attention to
college after takingleave of all the others were, there. I the beautiful ones"
me, especially
returned home and I didn't think seriously again of that day. A
second Sunday came and I saw her followed always by her fiance "Why, is it possible? Yo deceive yourself! Do you want
me, to get you one?"
and other girls.
"Thanks, Miss," I told her, "but I don't want to bother
It happened that I changed my residence anda sister of mine you." I remembered at that moment that she would marry her
entered the Colegio de la Concordia in which the young woman K,
uncle the following December, and then I asked her:
was a boarder. I went to call on her and she appeared in the
recep
tion hali accompanied by the young woman who had become her "Do you go back to your town in December?"
intimate friend. As I had nothing to say to her nor had I had the "No", she answered me dryly.
honor of being introduced to her, besides my bashfulness as a col-
iegian, I didn't address her except a ceremonious and silent bowto "They say that in your town a very big feast will be celebrated
which responded with admirable grace and delicacy. When I
she
returned in the company of my aunts, we found them strolling. My
in which you will take an important part and it is possible that
it will not be held without your attendance."
sister followed us in a carriage and we went to the
college where
shortly afterwards the young woman appeared. No incident occur No," she replied and she smiled. "My parents want me to

red to us worth mentioning. go home but I should not like to do soy for I wish to stay in
college for five years more."
One
Thursday, my friend M., who was the brother of Miss
K., came to invite me to go together to La Concordia to visit Little by little I was imbibing the sweetest poison of love
our
respective sisters. I accepted the invitation gladly and we as the conversation continued. Her glances were terrible for
went. We found his sister in the their sweetness and expressiveness. Her voice was so sonorous
hall. She greeted us and she fascination accompanied all her movements.
From
asked me if I would like her to
call my sister
that a certain
her and she went away Olimpia. I thanked time to time a ray penetrated my
languid
heart and I felt some-
nimbly but always with
grace that I have unknown to me. And, why did the
never seen in
any other woman. Shortly afterwards the thing that until then, was
two I didn't have time to enjoy them?
appeared and we formed a small circle: Since then we talked years pass so rapidly that we took our leave of our
and animation reigned in our
gathering. Her brother left us and Finally when the clock struck seven,
she said:
went to speak with a respective sisters and then
girl to whom he was later married. me?"
308 "Have you any order to give
309
 women," I replied
"Miss, I never had the custom of ordering . "But l'm going to
I expect them to command
me."
appeared in her get married!";she replied and two
We went down the wide staircase of the college and went
eyes, having divined the very tears
of my remark. marked intention
the night then. The tim
home. I don't remember how I spent
that passed afterward was so painful that the beautiful and sweet After this my aunts
were erased from my mind leaving only black shadows mixed returned and
sation. The subject turned we
continued
to trifles.
It is true that
our
conver
with the tints of tediousness. conversation our eyes met, and the most
during the
a loving melancholical intense glances tull ot
My friend and I returned the following Sunday and we found forever. expression came to enslave my soul
only my sister because his had gone out that day with her father
Our visits continued.
It was a stormy night. My sister had asked me if I had requested I
abstained, or rather I forbade my
her friend to make flowers and as I replied that I didn't, she heart to love her
knowing that she was
told me that she had asked for material from the sisters (nuns myself: Perhaps she did love me: engaged. But I said to
was nothing than a girlish love as
more
perhaps her love for
her fiance
Z..I had made a pencil portrait of Miss K, that I copied from her heart had not
a photograph that she had given me last Thursday. After a while opened to receive true love. Moreover I'm neither rich yet
nor
her father and she appeared. I greeted him for we knew handsome nor gallant nor attractive; and if she loved
other. They brought with them a cone
each love would be true, for it was not based on me. her

of almonds which they foundation. But even then, I decided to keep

vain and shaky
offered us while she greeted us with her attractive smile.
Her see greater proofs of
quiet until I could
brother took a handful but I didn't. She disappeared,
returning sympathy between us. i would neither
afterwards with two white roses, one of which she offered to subject myself to her yoke nor declare myself
to her.
her brother and the other to me which she herself
hat band. I offered her the
placed in my Once when I went alone to the college. I carried letters
portrait I had made, which
ber. Our conversation became animated and afterwards pleased and orders for her and consequently I could send for her to
we took
our leave, the same as last come out to the receptionroom; but I didn't do so. instead !
rose that she
Thursday. She said that the white
waited for her little sister
gave' me was from my sister, And though, I knew whom I delivered them to be given
to
it was not, I to her. My sister came out telling me that K. was very s:id on
pretended to believe it. I went home and kept the
rose, symbol of her artificial love. account of what I had done. I said nothing, After a short while.
My
aunts and I went there her brother arrived and sent for her. She came out very serious
again on
Thursday following that Sunday. They came out as
usual, each one carrying a white rose; and formal. I bowed to her and she scarcely responled with a
and she gave hers to her my sister gave me hers slight inclination of the head without smiling, and went to another
brother. We formed a circle and
Seat was next to hers. my group. I went back to my seat then and began to speak with
My sister had to communicate I don't
know what feminine secret to her brother. After a while she came back to where we were:
my aunts and thercfore she left
us alone. I took
advantage of the occasion to ask gay, loquacious, and witty, she entertained us delightfully with
those roses and to tell her that her who made her pleasant conversation. When night came, the moon rose up
I consider
of having made them for my sister incapable majestically and we had to take our leave. Her brother and I
she didn't, know
so well and moreover
I wanted to yet how to make them were going to leave together and when we were already seated
She confessed to me the truth know the name of my in the carriage, my sister called me and told me: "K. requests
blushing. thanked
I creditor. in the company of her brother so that
her that I would
keep it while I live and I added:her, promising you
not to come except
pleasing joy but
you can visit her." I received marmorean
a a
"Do you know that it is exterior hid it from all; I said yes and left. Since then everything
after very painful for me to lose
having known you?" you changed for me.
310
311
 I was then
chattering and lying rumor alreadywas
reflecting on
my situation. New anxieties,
In the meantime
love, still in embryo, as certain cares, new ideas, new
sentiments seized me. When least new
spreading our imaginary about o u r relations and truth to I spent the night almost expected
sleepless,
rebellious heart, which perchance steeped
Everywhere I heard only talk in my reflections. My
declared it clearly excent
tell we loved each other without having forebode
happen later, refused to express itself
what was going to
other through our glancees.
that we understood each bend its neck, perhaps fearful of yet arld consequently to
In the meanwhile, time passing away,I in going there entrusting its happiness to
such
was
fragile hands. Alas, why have I not followed the
every Thursday and Sunday
and she receiving us alwavs
in
my presentiments and impulses
followed another route, fascinated by the of
ot, my heart that
enchanting and attractive, always conqueror melodious
a
voice of this siren, much more terrible and powerful
once that my aunts:
still refused to surrender. It happened than those of antiquity?
had to make flowers
another young w o m a n and a sister of mine The eighth of December came, feast of the
for I didn't know what saints and for this purpose
went to the college in which
had fetch them in the afternoon: she was a boarder. It was a Saturday, with an enviable sun.
cotlege in the morning and I to
Some students and I went to the college. It was decorated with
went there
Ianother already I
twice. Once gave in to my friend, and
time I didn't go, saying I was il. The following dayyI pennants, lanterns, flowers etc. We went up and there I found
found them on the landing of the staircase- she, my two sisters, my (unintelligible word).. . beautiful as ever but with a certain
an aunt of mine, and another young woman. She was simply severe and reserved air that I could not explain, I asked for my
but very elegantly dressed, with her hair loose, and with a smile sister and she came and she tried to call her, but she only
approached our group carrying some pictures which she left with
on her lips. Oh always I saw her thus even in my dreams! She
received me cheerfully, accompanying us with my sisters until my sister. I took one of them without telling her, for she did
not converse with us that morning. Twelve o'clock struck and
the carriage. My sister collegian talked with my aunts and she
with me. we were going to depart and I approached her and said: "Miss,
pardon me for having taken your picture without your permission.
"Have you been sick?" she asked me in her sweet voice.
Will you not be offended if I keep it?"
Yes," I answered her, "but now I'm very well thanks to
"No," she said with a smile and made me forget her serious-
you
ness. Afterwards she called a friend of hers, thus cutting off our
"Oh!" she replied, "last night I was praying for you, fearful conversation.
that something bad might happen to you." We took our leave. When we reached home, I kept the
"Thanks," I replied. "But being so, I would like to get picture and pretended not to be in bad humor.
always inasmuch as in this way I have the happiness of being sick in the
One day my grandmother took me to the college
remembered by you; moreover death might do me much sister. I still seem to see her
good." morning and sent for her and my
"Why?" she replied. "Do you wish to die? Well, I'm coming out pale and panting
and turning a glance to me that
And we kept quiet. I don't sorry. filled me with joy, though it did not dispel my secret sorrow.
remember now what came out birth to a boy to
of our lips then, but we must
have talked a great deal, Then I learned that her mother, having given
as night overtook us.
Alas! Our
inasmuch whom they gave the name Jose,
had ordered her to go home
though we had not yet declared conversation was so sweet,
that same month. A painful presentiment
oppressed my heart
fastened the yoke already being ourselves,
laid on me.
that more and more
but I concealed it under a cloak
of indifference. My grandmother
went away leaving us four there,
Ah! Once happy and the mother [nun-Z.]
memories, now heart-rending! Oh, vanish
from my memory, for instead of that is, her, my two sisters,
and me. My grandmother and the
know
bringing me happiness, you and we went down for I didn't
inflame my despair and my mother c a m e back a while
skepticism. 313
312
 the stairs, she remained behind of the same age as K., of
what. While we were going down my town, who was also
to Calamba for a few
with her father after going
I asked her then if it would not displease her to be of y
days hom
hometown and she replied blushing that
it would not. almost five years in the having spent
college.
She stopped beside the carriage
and I, to0, and we remained We knew each other
very well, but the education that the
thus looking at each other for our companions
had gone away sisters of her college gave her made her
to see I knew not what. bashful, so much so that I refrained from excessively
the
timid and
ous word. 1 had to using least ambigu-
The time to take our leave came and we, my grandmother resign myself to speak with her back. Her
father was with us. To entertain her
my sister, and I. got into the carriage. My grandmother handed about her college, her friends, and her during the trip I asked
to me the letter in which her father ordered her to go home. I
answered me in monosyllables and I notedhopes illusions. She
or
read and reread it and in the meantime I thought of what would that she had forgotten
half of Tagalog if not all of it.
become of us afterward should she become my partner. Oh:
dreams At last we arrived at our town:
I, a little querulous about
At last Thursday came and I went to the college to visit the bad treatment that I received from
my fellow townswoman
them and say farewell as I had to go home the following day. despite the fact that, continually besieged by the thought of my
We spoke very few words but sad and affectionate. She told me beloved, I could not think of joking other women.
that she wasgoing home on the following Saturday, that is one When I reached home, my mother, who had already lost
day after my projected departure. I answered her then that once
much of her sight, didn't recognize me until after having observed
I had decided to go home on Friday it would be
very ugly for me a long time. That saddened me at the beginning when I
me to retract. but at any rate we would see each
other in my didn't know yet the cause. My sisters received me joyfuily and
hometown. She kept quiet, but she became
her eyes to the sky. Even now it seems to me
pensive and raised could read their pleasure in their faces. They asked me about
that I see her K. and they teased me. Of all of them my father was the most
leaning against the door, in an attitude so thoughtful that had contented and the one who talked least.
made me think so
much. Consider my situation and my illusions! My family was very
I took leave of her as at other times, and the moon which much astonished when they learned that I knew how to handle
at that time was at its arms, for that very night I proved myself to be the best swordsman
apogee, illuminated the one who was to
modify so much my ideas, standing on the landing of the in my town.
always poetic for my staircase,
imagination. The following day, at the time when the steamer ought to
That wasthe first night that I felt an arrive and therefore the family of my friend or my beloved after
resembling love, if not anguish and inquietude having waited for her a few minutes, we learned from my father
jealousy, perhaps
was
separating from her, perhaps becausebecause I saw that .
a million obstacles who had gone to meet her, that the steamer, on account of the
would stand between us, so that
and seemed to be my budding love was increasing wind, did not touch Calamba, but instead the passengers disem-
that I loved her
gaining vigor in the fight. Since
then I knew
barked at Biñan. Consequently, her father, with all his compan-
truly and in my own way, that ions, relatives of the fiance and others who formed the escort,
from other loves that I have is, very different
heard metioned. waited outside the town and from there to go to Lipa. I had a
As I had and went out of the town
promised, I did go home the white horse saddled and I mounted it
found on the steamer a following
young college woman of Sta. day and because I expected to see her for the
last time. I went in the
Catalina," the point where all
"A boarding school for direction of Biñan and I passed precisely
strict order of nuns. girls in Manile, Colegio de those awaiting her were encamped. lgoaded my horse as if I
Sta. Catalina under a
very heard crying out to me:
didn't notice them. Then I one

314
315
 subjects, paid no attention to them.
I raised my head and I Suddenly I
calesas and horsesperceived
"Stop, stop." a noise*,
who talked to me and saw
I looked back andIsaw no one cloud of dust. My heart beat violently and I enveloped in a
was repeated. I looked
tried to go ahead and then the same call pale. I took a short stroll must have become
around. I encountered her father who asked me smiling how tied. There I waited. returning to where I had the horse
long ago had I arrived. The first vehicle carried
K's father and
another
Yesterday," I replied, bowing. He invited me to go to his
town, I thanked him. Howgentleman.
I would
"Well, they are arriving today," he replied. have liked to go! The vehicle
that came behind was
by K., her sister, and other girls from La occupied
"Yes." I answered "It seems that my friend told me some- to me smiling and Concordia. She bowved
thing about that."
waving her
handkerchief, I just lifted up my
hat and said nothing. Alas! Such
has always
But I knew very well that was the day of her arrival. the most painful happened to me in
moments of my life. My tongue, profuse talker,
I didn't continue on my way. I took another road towards becomes dumb when my heart is bursting with
vehicle passed
like a swift shadow, feelings. The
Los Baños, but I thought it would be
better if I went to our leaving no other trace but a
horrible void in the world of my affections. I mounted the horse
lands as they would pass there to go to their town.
while the third vehicle was
I did as I had thought and I rushed the horse until I reached approaching where my friend was
riding. It halted and he invited me to go to his hometown. I
our mill. I got down the horse and I amused
myself looking at was going to follow them for I was
riding a pretty good horse.
the water that ran through the canal,
comparing its velocity to But in the critical moments of my life, I have
always acted
my days. against my will, obeying different purposes and mighty doubts.
At this moment, only one coach arrived and I Igoaded my horse and took another road without having chosen
saw getting
down the student of Sta. Catalina, an aunt of it, exclaiming: This is ended thus. Ah, how much truth, how
hers, an uncle,
and a young man, student of the much meaning, these words then had! My
Ateneo, who had just arrived youthful and trusting
that day from Manila. They were love ended! The first hours of my first love ended. My
going to their lands called virgin
Presa. I accompanied them on foot forever weep the risky step it took in the abyss covered
heart will
stake.
leaving my horse tied to a with flowers. My illusion will return, indeed, but indifferent,
When we had arrived at their incomprehensible, preparing me for the first deception on the
to the town, but
mill, I took leave to return road of grief.
really to wait again on the road in case they
had not passed by I returned to the town inebriate and confused. Melancholy,
yet. I arrived there and I
had passed there cavalcades or inquired if there sweet in its tortures, seized me. I knew that she was the woman
me. carromatas. No one could tell who satisfied fully the aspirations of my heart that told me I
had lost her.
Sadly I sat down by the bank of the
mill that we had in it, brook that run the old Ispent the two nights that followed this day in visiting,
thinking of many
things at the same together with L., a young woman who toward the east in
lived
my mind on anything. I saw the time
and not being able to fix
swift a little house at the right. She was a bachelor girl older than
currents carrying away
branches that they tore We were. She was fair with seductive and attractive eyes. She,
and my thought, from the bushes
wandering in other regions and or we, talked about love but my heart and my thought followed
having other K. through the night to her town. If the most filthy corpse had
told me that she too was thinking of me, I would have kissed
33Light two-wheeled covered vehicles
than a calesa. usually horse-drawn, and more spacious it out of
gratitude.
316 317
 of December in that monotonoue CHAPTER VIII
spent the last days
I as I could not find any
implacable
melancholy so much
more
My father, who had learned MY FIRST REMINISCENCE
other object to distract my thoughts. them, perhaps
us from continuing
about our visits, prohibited
oriental maid did
not figure in his WhenI had not
because the n a m e of the yet seen other rivers
except the river of
calculations. I did not visit
her again. my town, crystalline and gay in its
winding course, shaded by
murmuring bamboo groves, when my world was only cir
Manila, 16 November 1881. S. L. departed. cumscribed by the bluish mountains of my province and the
white surface of the lake that I discerned from after through
some ruins, sparkling like a mirror and filled with
CHAPTER VII graceful sails,
I like stories very much and I believed with all my heart
everything
the books contained, convinced that what was
printed must
FROM JANUARY TO DECEMBER 1878 perforce be the truth. And why not, since my parents, who
punished me for the smallest lie, emphatically enjoined me to
atteñd to my books, to read them diligently and understand them.
The short vacation ended any important
without happenings.
On the 6th of January 1 took leave of my parents and returned My first remembrance concerning letters goes back to my
to Manila, my second hometown. earliest age. I must be very small yet because when they polished
the floor of our house with banana leaves, I would still fall
The oid house on Magallanes Street received again the guest
who since childhood had taken shelter in its shadow. An inde slipping on the shiny surface as did the little skilled skaters on
ice. It was still difficult for me to climb up a chair, I went down
finable malaise and sadness like remorse took hold of my heart.
Ispent the night in vague, most melancholy reflections. It
the stairs step by step, holding on to every baluster, and in our
house as in the whole town, petroleum was unknown. nor had
dawned. I sat down on my chaise lounge and I almost cried on
I seen until that time any quinque," nor had any carriage ever
remembering my family and my old friends. My room-mate
found me praying. passed through the streets
of my town that I believed to be the
summum of joy and animation.
The days of January, February, and March
without any incident. I was
passed almost One night, when everybody at home was already asleep.
waiting
her. During these months I had the
only for some news from when all the lights in the globes*° had already been put out by
discussion of Metaphysics, them off by means of a curved tin tube which seemed
that is I maintained most intricate, blowing
in Latin. I came out vyingly complicated questions to me the most exquisite and wonderful toy in the world. I don't
very middling for I had not prepared as I remained watching beside the
should. I took the examination in know why my mother and I had
obtained the grade of excellent. I Metaphysics that in all Philippine houses burned all night long,
in March and T only light
had the same success in the and that went out precisely at dawn waking
the people with its
examinations in topography,
winning two medals in this and in cheerful hissing.
agriculture. My mother had given me for
expenses that month
something like P15.00 I bought a little tortoise-shell box and
presented it to my
professor of drawing.3
And This word is derived from the
name of the first maker of that lamp, Quinquet,

thing more to do. I went home to not having any a Frenchman. Quinque refers to petroleum lamp
spend the long vacation. 3The utmost.
which w e r e placed vessels the
made of crystal in
Globes 'were appliances
*Don Agustin Saez, eminent are hung from the ceiling with iron chains
painter in Manila. Containing oil for lighting. They
318 319
 a bath her hair which to me as if to tell me that
still young. After
then was those applied to me. I
My mother and listened to
half a handbreath on the floor her what a rare
she let down to dry, dragged
its end. She taught me to read in beautiful phenomenon
each time, the flame the light seemed to me more
by which reason she knotted brighter,
Amigo de los Ninos, a very
rare book, an old edition, which tively the fate of those insects that and I even envied instinc
had lost its cover and which a very
industious sister of mine magical exhalation. Those that had played so cheerfully in is
back a thick blue paper in the oil, they didn't succumbed were drowned
had covered again by pasting on its frighten me. My mother continued
of cloth. My mother her
the remnant of the wrapper of a bolt reading, I listened anxiously, and the fate of
the two insects
undoubtedly annoyed at heaning me read pitifully, for,
as I didn't
interested me intensely. The light
one side, a singed moth in one of agitated
understand Spanish. I could not give meaning to the phrases, its golden tongue on
these
took away the book from me. After scolding me for the drawings oil, clapped its wings for some time and movements fell into the
died. That assumed for
I had made on its pages, with legs and arms extended like a me the proportions of a
great event and as a strange
cross, she began to read asking me to follow her example. My that I have always observed in me wnen phenomenon
mother, when she could still see, read very well, recited, and It seemed to me that the flame and the sqmething excites me.
moths were moving far
knew how to make verses. How many times during Christmas away, very far, and that my mother's voice
vacation afterwards, she corrected my poems, making very apt sepulchral timbre. acquired a strange,
observations. I listened to her fuil of childish admiration. Marvel-
ling at the ease with which she made them and at the sonorous
My mother finished the fable. I was not listening; all myY
she could get from some pages that cost me so
attention, all my mind and all my thoughts were concentrated
phrases that
much effort to read and that I deciphered haltingly. Perhaps
on the fate of that moth, young, dead, full of illusions.
my
ears soon got tired of
hearing sounds that to me meant "You see?" my mother said to me taking me to bed. "Don't
nothing
perhaps due to my natural distraction I gave litle attention to imitate the young moth and don't be disobedient; you'll get
the reading and watched more
closely the cheerful flame around burned like it."
which some small moths fluttered with
playful and uneven flight, I don't know if I replied, promised something. or cried.
perhaps I yawned. be it what it might, the case was that my
mother, realizing the litte interest thàt I The only thing I remember is that it took me a long time before
showed, stopped her could
reading and said to me: Ito me sleep. That story had revealed to me things unknown
until then. To me moths ceased to be insignificant insects;
Tm going to read to moths talked and knew how to warn and advise as well as my
you a
very pretty story, be attentive". mother did. The light seemed to be more beautiful, dazzling,
Upon hearing the word
story I opened my eyes expecting attractive. I understand why moths fluttered around lights.
a new and wonderful I Advices and warnings resounded feebly in my ears. What preoc-
looked at my mother who leafed
one.
through the book as if looking for it, and I cupied me most was the death of the imprudent, but at the
with ready. to listen
impatience and wonder. I didn't suspectgotthat.in bottom of my heart, I didn't blame it. My mother's solicitude
book that I read without that old
understanding, there could be stories didn't have all the success that she hoped it would.
and pretty stories.
My mother began to read to me the
the young and the old fable
of No; many years have elapsed; the child has become a man;
moths, translating it rivers and
into Tagalog At the first
verses my attention
to me piece by piece has plowed (sailed- Z.] the most famous foreign
a way that I
looked towards the redoubled in such meditated beside their copious streams. The steamship has taken
the moths that fluttered light and fixed my attention on him across the seas and all the oceans; he has climbed the region
around it. The much higher than the
been more opportune. My mother story could not have of
perpetual snow on mnountains very
a
great deal on the emphasized and commented Makiling of his province. From experience he has received bitter
warnings of the old moth and directed them more
lessons, oh, infinitely bitter than the sweet lesson that his
320
321
mother gave him, and nevertheless the man preserves the he
eart
of a child and he believes that light is the mOst beautitul thino
ing
there is in creation and that it is worthy tor a man to sacrific

his life to it.