Your School Name Appears Here

SAMPLE COPY

Build Children’s
Self-Esteem

... and Help Them Do Better in School

One of a Series of Booklets for Parents

 25 Ways Parents Can Build Children’s Self-Esteem 25 Ways Parents Can Build Children’s Self-Esteem

What is Self-Esteem
And Why is it So Important? 1 Teach your child skills. One
of the most important ways
children develop self-esteem is
by feeling competent and capa-
E xperienced educators say that self-esteem is an important
ingredient in school success. High self-esteem provides the
confidence students need to take on challenges at school and
ble. Every time you teach your
child a new skill—whether it’s
throughout life. Bright children who think poorly of themselves tying her shoes or riding her
may do poorly in school—while average children who believe in bike—you’re helping to build
themselves can excel. her self-esteem. When children
say, “I can’t,” they sometimes
Children who have high self-esteem are willing to tackle tough mean, “I don’t know how.”
learning assignments. They’re willing to try something new. And Help your child by showing
even if they don’t get the answer right the first time, they keep her each step of a new task.
trying until they get it right. Have her practice that step
As a parent, you are your until she learns it, then move
child’s first and most important on to the next step.
teacher. You have the most
influence in shaping your
child’s sense of self-worth. This
publication shares 25 parent-
tested ideas on how you can 2 Hold high expectations. Your expectations of your child
also shape his self-esteem. If you believe your child can do
well in school, he’ll probably think so, too. But sometimes
build your child’s self-esteem.
parents can hold expectations that are too high. If you expect
every school assignment to be perfect, or demand that your
Every child is unique, so we often
use the singular pronoun. We’ll child become an athletic star, you may actually harm your
alternate the use of “he” and “she” child’s self-esteem.
throughout this booklet.

Your School Name Appears Here

SAMPLE COPY The Parenting Series © 2009 The Parent Institute® www.parent-institute.com 1
X02711499 Downloaded by 103.63.8.69 on February 03, 2016 at 23:37
 25 Ways Parents Can Build Children’s Self-Esteem 25 Ways Parents Can Build Children’s Self-Esteem

Be clear about the messages you’re sending your child.

3 To make sure your expectations aren’t too high:
• Be careful about criticizing your child’s performance after
watching her in an athletic or other event. Tell her how
proud you are to see her trying.
• Focus first on your child’s
correct responses when
she brings home a school
assignment. Then help her
understand why her other
answers were incorrect.
• Thank your child when she
helps with household chores.
Talk about one thing she did
especially well before you
discuss ways she can improve.
5 Take a tip from Thomas Edison. He had thousands of
failed experiments when he was trying to invent the light
bulb. Each time, though, Edison said he learned something
that didn’t work—so he was one step closer to finding some-
thing that did.
That is the mind-set of
most successful people.
They don’t seem to
understand the word
failure. They may talk
about a glitch, a problem
or a snag. But even when
something doesn’t work
out as they’ve planned,
they try to learn from the
experience.
You can teach the
“success mind-set” at
home. When your child
is unsuccessful, try to

4 Let your child overhear a compliment. Believe it or not,

kids sometimes have trouble “hearing” a compliment
spoken directly to them. But when your child overhears you
find something she can
learn from her mistakes.
You might ask, “What
talking about what a good job he did in cleaning his room, would you do differently
or how much he’s improved in spelling, he’ll believe what next time?”
he hears. And that will make him
And be sure to let
work even harder.
your child know you’re
One secret is to plan a proud of her for trying.
time when your child can You might say, “I think
“accidentally” overhear you’re a success because you tried out for the team
you saying something (or the play).”
nice about him.

6 Remember these wise words from Stacia Tauscher: “We worry

about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that
he is someone today.”

Your School Name Appears Here

2 SAMPLE COPY 3
X02711499 Downloaded by 103.63.8.69 on February 03, 2016 at 23:37
 25 Ways Parents Can Build Children’s Self-Esteem 25 Ways Parents Can Build Children’s Self-Esteem

Make a scrapbook of accomplishments. This is a great way

7 to record your child’s successes. You’ll need a three-ring note-
book and lots of paper. Set aside some time to work with your 8 Read The Little Engine
That Could with your
child in preparing the scrapbook. child. Then talk about
Have your child draw or cut out pictures from magazines or the things he can accom-
newspapers to illustrate each item. She can also include things plish if he’ll just keep
she’s written. Stickers or gold stars add a special touch. repeating, “I think I can,
Have your child choose her own categories for the scrapbook. I think I can, I think I
Here are some ideas to get you started: can.”
• Things I’ve learned in school (words I can spell, math
problems I can do, stories I’ve written). Provide a regular place to display your child’s best work.
• How I help (things I do around the house, things I do 9 The refrigerator door works well for this. Have your child
choose a school paper, a drawing or a photo that shows a
outside).
recent accomplishment. Change the display often.
• Artistic skills (my favorite drawings, songs I can sing).

Help your child do something

Other headings might include:
• Places I’ve
10 for someone else. Together,
clean up a nearby park. Shovel an
visited. elderly neighbor’s sidewalk. Collect
• Books I’ve read. food for homeless people. Your
child will feel a real sense of
• Things I’m accomplishment.
proud of.
Help your child Give your child more
think of some other
categories that will
11 responsibilities—and more
freedom—as she grows older. Both
focus on the things are important for self-esteem. At
she’s accomplished. least once a year, rethink the rules
Continue to add to you set for your child. And some-
the scrapbook as times, ask your child, “What do
your child has new you think?” (You might be sur-
successes to share. prised at the answer.)

Your School Name Appears Here

4 SAMPLE COPY 5
X02711499 Downloaded by 103.63.8.69 on February 03, 2016 at 23:37
 25 Ways Parents Can Build Children’s Self-Esteem 25 Ways Parents Can Build Children’s Self-Esteem

12 Teach your child to set goals. Here’s a five-step process

that works well:
1. Help your child identify one challenging—
but attainable—goal at the beginning of the
week. Some ideas: getting to the bus stop
on time every day, getting 90% correct on
a spelling test.
2. Have your child write the goal
on a piece of paper. Post it on the
refrigerator or on a bulletin
board.
3. Talk about how to accomplish the goal.
Help your child break it down into
smaller steps. For example, “Pack your
lunch at night. Set your alarm clock for
15 minutes earlier. Then leave yourself
five extra minutes to walk to the bus stop.”
4. Ask how things are going as the
week progresses. If problems come
up, talk about possible solutions. If
your child falls behind in studying
spelling words, for example, have
him set aside 10 minutes for review
together.
5. Help your child evaluate how well
he did at the end of the week. Did he
achieve his goal? Why or why not?
Most importantly, praise your child for
trying. Then help him set a new goal for
next week. Remember—every time your
child reaches a goal successfully, he’s
building self-esteem to help him reach
the next one.
13 Nurture your child’s unique gifts. Each child has some-
thing that makes her special. Build on those strengths. A
child who believes she is a good athlete or a good musician is
less afraid to try learning a new language, for example. Your
behavior can also
show your child
that you value her
interests. If your
child is concerned
about the environ-
ment, make a fam-
ily effort to recycle.
If your child loves
sports, you might
set aside time each
week to watch a
game together.
14 Show your child you love and accept him for who he is.
Comparing children is harmful to their self-esteem. If you
have more than one child, try not to say things like, “Your
brother always brought home
straight A’s. Why can’t you?”
Instead, help each child find
his own strengths—and feel
good about them.
15 Praise special effort with
a special reward. To praise
her child for an outstanding
report card, one mom made her
child “Queen for a Day.” She
put up a sign on the front door
so all her daughter’s friends
could see it. For that day, she
treated her daughter like a
member of the royal family.

Your School Name Appears Here

6 SAMPLE COPY 7
X02711499 Downloaded by 103.63.8.69 on February 03, 2016 at 23:37
 25 Ways Parents Can Build Children’s Self-Esteem 25 Ways Parents Can Build Children’s Self-Esteem

16 Show your child how much you love him every day.
Here are 10 ways to say “I love you”:
17 Focus on the positive. Parents of children with high self-
esteem do more than just reward their children’s successes.
Don’t ignore behavior that falls short of your expectations. But do
1. Include him in your conversations when you and your try to focus on the positive.
child are around other adults.
2. Help him fix it if your child breaks something.
3. Take time to watch him when your child says, “Watch
18 Always keep two pictures by
your child’s bedside: a picture
of herself surrounded by family and
me.”
a picture of her doing something
4. Treat it as the most wonderful invitation you’ll receive she loves. The first picture will
all day when your child says, “Read me a story.” remind your child that she is loved.
5. Say “I love you” as often as you can. Make sure you say The second, that she is capable.
it just before your child leaves for school and at Change the pictures often and
bedtime before turning out the light. watch her self-esteem grow.

6. Take up a new hobby or sport with your child. Spend

time learning it together.
7. Give your child a hug.
19 Avoid “overparenting.” Some parents make such an effort
to help their children be successful that they don’t let their
kids learn for themselves. Whether their kids are doing homework,
8. Write notes and put learning a sport or making their beds, these parents jump in to
them in your child’s help. But the message they’re really sending is, “You are not capa-
lunch box. ble of doing this by yourself. I must help you or you will fail.” If
this describes you, try taking a “hands-off” attitude for a while.
9. Take your child out Let your child try—and fail—and try again.
for an occasional treat,
such as ice cream, “just
because you’re such a
great kid.”
20 Help your child build
family pride. Teach him
about relatives as far back on the
10. Set aside some time family tree as possible. Talk
to talk with your child about his ancestors and where
every day. During that they came from. Together, read
time, don’t watch books about his heritage. Talk
television, wash the about some famous people who
dishes or pay bills. share the same background.
Just be there. Help him learn about some
different cultures. Help your
child take pride in his family.

Your School Name Appears Here

8 SAMPLE COPY 9
X02711499 Downloaded by 103.63.8.69 on February 03, 2016 at 23:37
 25 Ways Parents Can Build Children’s Self-Esteem 25 Ways Parents Can Build Children’s Self-Esteem

21 Don’t use hurtful words. “Sticks and stones may

break my bones, but words can never hurt me,” says
22 Promote self-discipline. You’ll also be teaching your child
to take responsibility for his own learning.
the children’s rhyme. Unfortunately, where self-esteem is To do this:
concerned, the rhyme simply isn’t true. The words you use • Enforce family rules about homework, bedtime, family
as a parent can build your child’s self-esteem—or destroy mealtime, picking up toys at the end of the day, etc.
it.
• Establish orderly routines at home. Let your child know
These are expressions that can clearly what is expected of him. Rely less and less on your
hurt a child’s self-esteem: discipline and more and more on his self-discipline.
• You usually make mistakes, • Expect your child to assume some responsibilities at
so be careful. home. For a young child, responsibilities might include
picking up toys and feeding pets. Expect your older child to
• I doubt that you can do it.
set the table, help with dishes and even do an occasional
• You can do better. load of laundry.
• That’s a good job, but
the corners are ragged.
• Better get some help.
23 Help your child learn the skills she needs to work with
others. Give her plenty of chances to play with other chil-
dren. Show your child ways to resolve conflicts. Make sure she
• If you can’t do it right, don’t do it at all. has the words to express her emotions. (A child who can say,
• That looks too difficult for you to try. “I am angry when you do that,” is less likely to hit someone—
or to call someone a “jerk.”) As your child grows older, her rela-
tions with friends become an important part of her self-esteem.
Instead, use expressions that can build self-esteem:
• Knowing you, I’m sure you will do fine.

• You can do it if you try.

• I have faith in you.
• You’re trying your hardest, and
your work will pay off.
• I can see that you put a lot of effort
into that.
• You can figure it out.
• That was a good try. Don’t worry
about the mistake.

Your School Name Appears Here

10 SAMPLE COPY 11
X02711499 Downloaded by 103.63.8.69 on February 03, 2016 at 23:37
 25 Ways Parents Can Build Children’s Self-Esteem 25 Ways Parents Can Build Children’s Self-Esteem

24 Make yours an “equal opportunity” household. By

the end of elementary school, boys and girls begin to
fall into traditional gender roles.
Children’s self-esteem will flourish if they’re allowed to
develop their own talents and interests. So don’t let your
daughter give up on math—make a special effort to encour-
age her. And if your son is more interested in painting a
picture than kicking a ball, let him know that you are
proud of his accomplishments.

25 Identify appropriate behavior to develop your child’s

self-esteem. Identify the positive behavior you see
from your child. For example, when you don’t have to nag
your child to complete her homework, say, “You are being
responsible.” When your child cleans her room, take a
minute to say, “You are being very helpful.” When your Experts say the secret to healthy self-esteem is
child offers to share a toy, say, “You are a generous person.” simple: Make sure the praise you give is deserved.
When your child hears these positive messages repeated Children know when they’ve done something well
over and over (and when they are matched with her own or tried their best, and that’s when praise is
behaviors), she will begin to think of herself as responsible, important. Your child will thrive on deserved
helpful and generous—and to act in ways that reinforce her
image of herself.
praise and learn from it.

25 Ways Parents Can Build Children’s Self-Esteem is one of six booklets in The Parenting Series,
published by The Parent Institute®, P.O. Box 7474, Fairfax Station, VA 22039-7474. (800) 756-5525.
Copyright © 2009, 2004, 1998, 1991 The Parent Institute®, a division of NIS, Inc.
www.parent-institute.com
Photo credits: Corbis: inside cover
Getty Images: cover, pages 7, 11 and 13
iStockphoto: pages 1, 2, 3, 4, 8 and 9
Jupiter Images: page 5
Publisher: John H. Wherry, Ed.D. Writer: Kristen J. Amundson. Managing Editor: Patricia Hodgdon. Staff
Editors: Erika Beasley, Jennifer McGovern & Rebecca Miyares. Production Manager: Pat Carter. Translation
Manager: Michelle Beal-García. Business Manager: Sally Bert. Business Associate: Cristina Wilcox. Marketing
Director: Laura Bono. Marketing Assistants: Joyce Ghen & Andrea Ibach. Customer Service Manager: Peggy
Costello. Customer Service Associate: Cynthia Lees. Business Assistant: Donna Ross. Circulation Associate:
Diane Perry. Graphic Design & Illustrations: Joe Mignella, Maher & Mignella, Cherry Hill, NJ.

Licensed for distribution by Your School Name Appears

Your School Name Appears Here
12 Here through December 2016. 13
SAMPLE COPY
X02711499 Downloaded by 103.63.8.69 on February 03, 2016 at 23:37