Gregory 1

Colton Gregory

Professor Bochhino

Writing 2

14 December 2020

Revision Matrix

Text from my initial A comment or The change(s) I How this change

WP submission: question I received made to what I impacts my paper:
(Note which WP) (from initially wrote:
whom/where?)

WP1: In the two Professor Bocchino: A great way to This change indicated
disciplines I chose, “What is the analyze two things that I have identified
oceanography and difference between that aren’t relevant to the problem and
geography, two the disciplines and each other involves proposing to the
research articles the discord integrating reader that I am going
suggest minor things communities they differences between to insinuate my
such as a little change represent?” the disciplines and knowledge in later
in climate can really the discord paragraphs.
affect the way people communities they
live on a day to day represent.
basis.

WP1:​In many Peer Review: The In the headline titled, This impacts my
headlines, but one in sentence as a whole is “Discussion”, the paper by shortening
specific, wordy and doesn’t reader learns about the length as well as
“Discussion” it sets contribute to the the importance of the making it an easier
up a very convincing essay. change in sea surface read.
argument for what temperature.
sea surface
temperature really
does.

WP1: ​Ultimately the Peer Review: Find a Ultimately, headlines This change makes
headlines of a more powerful way to of research articles my paper more
research article have close out this are incredibly powerful, and easy to
a lot more meaning paragraph. important, and read for the reader.
and can truly display display insight
the difference without reading the
between two different first sentence.
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articles without even

reading them.

WP 1: There was a Professor Bocchino: In class we learned I removed mention of

goblin game that the There was mention of that wrongfully citing the goblin game so
class had to play as the goblin game in information could be that it wouldn’t throw
an assignment and the essay which is detrimental to the off the reader.
explains how irrelevant. final grade.
important this is to
writing.

However, with the Personal Reflection: With that said, This change should
two articles that are This just sounds extra observing the two allow for a more
being used, and funny sounding. articles, they both cohesive essay.
everything is to the have everything
nines. imaginable cited.

The level of english Peer Review: This I deleted this sentence

is definitely college doesn’t do anything because it serves no
level reading for the essay. purpose to the final
product.

In conclusion, Personal Reflection: In conclusion, I felt that it was an

sometimes the way I’m just not happy learning why awkward sentence,
something is written with this concluding something was and didn’t leave a
is more important sentence. written that way is lasting impression on
than what the author often more powerful the reader.
or authors are writing than what is being
about. contextualized.

WP2:The Gazorpians Peer Review: The Gazorpians’ This makes my paper

new wave of weapons Sentence structure is weapons have created easier to read.
of mass destruction awkward mass destruction and Although it may have
have unsettled the old have unsettled the old been grammatically
way of life, affecting way of life, affecting correct, it felt
all types of marine all types of marine awkward.
life, as well as human life and human
beings. beings.

WP2:The Galactic Peer Review: Run on The Galactic This change allows
Federation, whose Sentence. Federation, whose the story to flow
responsibility is to responsibility is to much smoother than
maintain the maintain the it did before.
environment of environment of
planets throughout planets throughout
the galaxy, has tried the galaxy, has
 Gregory 3

to interfere with the attempted to stop the

new weapons that are weapons that are
affecting the oceans, negatively affecting
but there are simply the oceans, but there
too many Gazorpians. are simply too many
Gazorpians.

WP2:​As they dump Professor Bocchino: I deleted this sentence

the majority of their Run On sentence because it doesn’t add
waste in the North any real value to the
Atlantic Ocean, the Writing Project.
general climate has
changed significantly.

WP2:​If the Peer Review: If the Gazorpians are I introduced a colon

Gazorpians aren’t Sentence structure not stopped,the to write about a list in
stopped from their was awkward repercussions will be a more concise
manufacturing of catastrophic: sea manner.
futuristic lethal levels will rise,
weapons sea levels innocent families will
will rise, innocent lose homes, and
families will lose millions of sea
homes, and millions creatures will perish.
of sea creatures will
perish.

WP2: The article, Professor Bocchino: The article, Proper use of

Annually resolved Articles aren’t “Annually Resolved quotations when
Atlantic sea surface italicized. Atlantic Sea Surface reciting an article.
temperature Temperature
variability over the Variability Over the
past 2,900 Years, Past 2,900 Years”​,
dives into the dives into the
importance of sea importance of sea
surface change and surface change and
how it ultimately has how the ocean has an
an effect on the rest effect on the rest of
of the world. the world.

WP2: Professor Bocchino: Specifically, I added this sentence

Give more details on gazorpians are from in order to provide
what things you the show ​Rick and extra context as to
related from your Morty,​ and gamma what I was referring
childhood. radiation comes from to in my story.
the Marvel movie,
The Hulk.
 Gregory 4

WP2:​This is a great Peer Review: This statement is a Shortening this while

representation of the Sentence structure great representation still getting the
writing conventions was awkward. of the writing message across is an
as well as the conventions and important skill to
audience that an appeals well to article have as a writer.
article like this would readers.
appeal to.

WP2:Then I thought Peer Review: This Then, I changed my Trying to hit a main
to myself that it just works, but try to perspective: the point is super
gives me more room emphasize this. conversion gave me important. And I
to let my imagination more room to let my think by altering the
soar. imagination soar. sentence structure,
that is what I did.