A comment or The change(s) I made

Text from my initial How this change impacts

question I received to what I initially
WP submission: my paper:
(from whom/where?) wrote:
While environmentalists
and human rights I included this extra
activists may argue for sentence to hint more on
the termination of fast what’s going to be talked
[1]WP2: While
fashion centered about in the essay. This
environmentalists and
practices, economists sentence occurs before the
human rights activists Julia: You might add
and supply chain first sentence of the thesis,
may argue for the one more sentence at the
end to really expand managers might and serves as a slight
termination of fast
upon and highlight the disagree. These buffer to lead into the
fashion centered road map for your paper
opposing views tend to main claim. The inclusion
practices, economists as well as your specific
thesis support their arguments of this sentence helps the
and supply chain
in different manners, paper by warming the
managers might
normally in relation to reader up before they read
disagree.
their true purpose and the thesis, so they don’t
their audiences who are end up skipping over it
receiving the without getting the point.
information.
Julia: I'm not entirely
The thesis I had in my
sure what your thesis is Due to the authors
[2]WP2: The authors throughout the paper. I original draft was weak
stance on the issue, as
of these papers can see that you're and did not assert any
pointing out major well their use of
showcase the strong point that could be
differences between the evidence, the
difference between two disciplines and it argued. This new thesis
sustainability article is
the topic and their looks like you're leaning takes a firm stance saying
towards an argument much more effective in
scholarly that one is more effective
regarding the different its argument against fast
communities through audiences and discourse than the other, and this
fashion over the
their stance on the communities for the gives the paper much
economics paper’s
issue, argument, and disciplines. But I think more of a backbone about
that can be made more argument that supports
supporting evidence. what is going to be talked
clear. (in of fast fashion.
grade/comments doc) about.
[3]WP2: Gérard Cachon, Julia: In the footnotes, Gérard Cachon, Robert
Robert Swinney, “The
While this change in all
the name of the article Swinney, “The Value of Fast
Value of Fast Fashion: Fashion: Quick Response,
should not be in italics Enhanced Design, and the footnotes is minor, the
Quick Response,
Enhanced Design, and because it's already in Strategic Consumer correct citations impact
Strategic Consumer the paper by adding more
Behavior,” Management
Behavior,” Management quotation marks. (in Science 57, no. 4, (1 April
Science 57, no. 4, (1 April credibility to myself as the
grade/comments doc) 2011): 785. 
2011): 785.  author of this academic
paper.
[4]WP2: In addition, Because this discourse
because this discourse community is comprised
community is of more individuals The original paper makes
comprised of more Julia: Good job working using the matter in a a somewhat harsh jump
individuals using the on smoother transitions. professional manner, it’s into the next paragraph, so
matter in a Some are still a little less effective to a wider
I split up this sentence and
professional manner, awkward . Keep audience. These readers
it’s less effective to a working at it. (in might not understand began to connect it to the
wider audience of grade/comments doc) the complex topics that sustainability article
readers, who might are being covered in this before the actual body
not understand the article, which contrasts
complex topics that with the opposing paragraph that covers it.
are being covered. sustainability paper.
This sentence follows the
[5]WP2: Similarly, While coming from a sentences in the above
the discourse different discipline, the revision, and I edited it to
[same as above]
community of the discourse community of
Julia: Good job working make the transition
article, “Social the article, “Social
on smoother transitions.
Sustainable Supply Sustainable Supply smoother from both sides.
Some are still a little
Chain Management in Chain Management in The change in the
awkward . Keep
the Textile and the Textile and Apparel
working at it. (in beginning of the sentence
Apparel Industry,” Industry,” can share
grade/comments doc) also slightly improves
can share some of the some of the same
same readers. readers. clarity by referencing
discipline.
[6]WP2: The authors Julia: Since you discuss The authors structure Including one of the
structure the rest of visual evidence , you the rest of their paper
their paper similarly might add some of the similarly to a study, actual figures from the
to a study, comparing charts, graphs, or other comparing a model of source helps aid the paper
a model of four data into your essay. (in four different systems by adding another
different systems and grade/comments doc) and using figures like
concrete piece of
using figures like graphs and tables to
graphs and tables to support it. One of these evidence. Instead of the
support it. graphs, as shown below, reader just hearing
also supports the idea analysis, they can
that the technicality of
the article can confuse a compare it to the graph,
reader, or cause them to which they most likely
skip past one or more don’t understand, and
 figures due to the
complexity of them. agree with my point.
All of these objective
and mostly
informational pieces of
information are effective
[7]WP2: All of these pertaining to the general
objective and mostly argument of this paper After retooling the thesis
informational pieces Khushi Patel: I feel as if because Cachon and statement to be more
of information are you aren’t going back to Swinney know the
effective pertaining to your main argument and article could be assertive and
the general argument claim throughout your referenced by argumentative, I needed to
of this paper because essay. I suggest professionals in the connect back to it
Cachon and Swinney connecting each discourse community,
throughout the paper. This
know the article paragraph back to the who could be trying to
could be referenced thesis statement so you measure specific implemented sentence
by professionals in are building on you outcomes in regard to works as both a
the discourse argument throughout their own situation. connection to the main
community, who your paper. (WP2 While this supporting
could be trying to Reader Response) evidence is effective claim and a transition into
measure specific within a small target the next paragraph about
outcomes in regards audience, this efficacy the sustainability article.
to their own situation. shrinks in relation to the
greater discourse
community, and
especially in regard to
the sustainability article.
[8]WP2: For Julia: I like that you're Therefore, it’s logical This new chunk of
example, the thinking about different they would use
environmental citation styles in your footnotes instead of in- analysis helps refine the
science paper argument. However, I text citations, as in the argument by providing
employs many more think you can expand article from the more support. I included
sources and has over this analysis quite a bit economics discipline.
information from one of
one hundred different and refine your The economics article’s
footnotes throughout argument here. Take a use of parenthetical the readings about
the paper, so it its look at the optional citations can also be citations about the
logical they would readings I've posted on credited to the purpose logistics of this citation
use footnotes instead citation styles as they of the paper within the
of in-text citations, as should give you some discipline. Economics as style within the discipline
in the article from the more ideas regarding the a study involves rapid as well.
economics discipline. reasoning behind each research, since it’s a
citation style and why fast-moving field, so
disciplines choose the including the date in the
style that they do. (in citation is something
grade/comments doc) that signals a reader
focused on investigation
 whether or not they
want to continue
reading.
This is another small
change just around the
Though both
tense used in the sentence.
provide outstanding While it is restating the
[9]WP2: Though both
points, the economics idea that the economics
provide outstanding
points, the economics Julia: Good job working article’s use of much paper is less effective, it
article used much on smoother transitions.
more technical language seems a little less
more technical Some are still a little
repetitive by putting it in
language that would awkward . Keep continues to weaken its
weaken its argument working at it. the first tense and saying
argument against a
against a larger (in grade/comments “continues” to
audience that isn’t doc) larger audience that isn’t acknowledge it’s
acquainted with these
acquainted with these restatement. This also
terms.
terms. helps the transition into
the next paragraph,
making the paper again a
little more smooth.
This sentence begins the
While both articles can conclusion by
still be considered to be acknowledging that
Julia: The conclusion very effective within neither of these articles
[10]WP2: Despite the
made me a little bit
abstract differences their respective context are entirely bad, but
confused about what
between these two restates the thesis that the
your thesis is. Work on and discussion, the
arguments, both are
refining your conclusion sustainability article is
very effective within
to more clearly restate paper from the
their respective more effective over a
the main goal of the environmental science’s
context and larger audience. Restating
paper. (in
discussion.
grade/comments doc) discipline executes a the thesis signals the
stronger argument over reader that the conclusion
a larger audience. is starting and reaffirms
the main idea of the paper.
[11]WP2: “The Value Julia: Good job working The economics article, The additional three
of Fast Fashion,” on smoother transitions.
“The Value of Fast words add a little more
does an excellent job Some are still a little
modelling off of pre- awkward . Keep Fashion,” does an clarity to the sentence by
existing companies to working at it. specifying which
 excellent job modelling discipline the article we
off of pre-existing are talking about is, and it
analyze how fast
(in grade/comments smoothly introduces the
fashion can be used companies to analyze
doc) quotation, creating a
most effectively.
how fast fashion can be
smoother overall reading
used most effectively. experience.
The article relating to
sustainability and the

[12]WP2: The article environment, “Social

relating to Sustainable Supply
sustainability and the This sentence originally
Julia: The conclusion Chain Management in
environment, “Social just reviewed the
made me a little bit
Sustainable Supply the Textile and Apparel
confused about what sustainability article, but it
Chain Management in
your thesis is. Work on Industry,” effectively
the Textile and now connects to the
refining your conclusion
Apparel Industry,”
to more clearly restate argues using a literature revised thesis’ argument
effectively argues
the main goal of the review as evidence that the argument it makes
using a literature
paper. (in is stronger than the
review as evidence
grade/comments doc) about the problematic
about the problematic economics article.
structure of fast structure of fast fashion,
fashion. and this argument is
easy to understand for
almost any reader.
[13]WP2: Setting the Julia: I do like the jump Among the many I exchanged one sentence
argumentation, off point you've got in
variations that were that slightly covers the
evidence, and the conclusion, it just
audiences of these hides your thesis a little analyzed in this paper, parts of this paper then
articles aside, the bit. (in grade/comments
the ones that shape these moves into the bigger
stark contrast doc)
picture for one that
between these two articles most are their
academic disciplines focuses more on what was
purpose, audience, and
is what differentiates talked about in the
the papers the most… use of evidence. Given supporting body
that each of these morph paragraphs. This helps the
and change in terms of conclusion get closer to
each other, gauging their truly summarizing the
effectiveness against content of the paper.

each other isn’t a true

 analysis on them, but
just an analysis on how
effective it is to an
average and
unspecialized member
of the discourse
community
Like many other
academic topics, the
issue of fast fashion is
multifaceted, and this is The original sentence
entirely echoed within mentioned the idea of fast
both of the author’s fashion being multifaceted
[14]WP2: The issue [same as above]
without connecting to the
of fast fashion within Julia: I do like the jump articles. The discussion
the industry is off point you've got in on the topic, despite main claim, let alone
multifaceted, and this the conclusion, it just explaining that idea at all.
is echoed within both hides your thesis a little having opposing
This sentence benefits the
of the author’s bit. (in grade/comments arguments in these
articles. doc) conclusion by further
papers, still benefits the wrapping up ideas stated
academic community, and suggested throughout
and brings us closer to a the paper.
true understanding of
fast fashion’s
implications in society.
[15]WP2: Fast [same as above] While fast fashion After removing a large
Julia: I do like the jump
fashion continues to remains an ethical amount of writing solely
off point you've got in
be an ethical the conclusion, it just dilemma, change can on the topic of fast fashion
hides your thesis a little
dilemma, but change start with any consumer alone, I kept the final
bit. (in grade/comments
jump off point in the
can start with any doc) or scholar alike, so ask
paper the same. Doing this
consumer or scholar yourself: does the price
let the thesis statement
alike, so ask yourself: you’ve paid for an item remain as the main point
does the price you’ve justify its unethical of the conclusion while
paid for an item
still having a rhetorical
justify its unethical question on the bigger
production?
production? picture for the reader to
leave with.