Deo aes MATT CYT OT Tae A
TRAVEL AND THE ART OF LOSING FRIENDS
Updated: 1/13/2020 | January 13th, 2020
After months on the road, you're finally home, excited to resume your old
friendships. You plan dinners, get-togethers, and nights out. And, as people
fail to respond or show up, you begin realize an awful truth — while you
were out exploring the world, your friends crept out the back door of your
life.
And, unlike you, they aren’t coming back.
They ghosted.
After a six month sojourn, | came back to New York City eager to
reconnect with my friends. | missed their faces, stories, and presence in my
life.
But, as most New Yorkers will tell you, friendships are often hard to
maintain under the crushing pace of life here. Everyone here moves a
million miles a minute, there’s always an event to attend, and making time
for each other is a constant battle of highly conflicting schedules. It’s the
city of the hustle.
“What are you doing two weeks from now?” is a common question in the
city that never sleeps.
| expected it but, after many weeks of missed connections and noticed
absences from events, | realized that while | was away, many had taken my
absence as an excuse to finally exit stage left without hopefully being
noticed.
At first, this realization devastated me. People | cared about left my life for
seemingly no reason. “What did | do wrong? How can | change to get them
back?” | wondered.
Then sadness gave way to anger. “Screw those jerks! They weren’t good
friends anyway,” | said in an attempt to mask the hurt.
But, as | calmed down and thought about it more, | realized | was looking
at this situation in the wrong light. Going away didn’t cause me to lose
friends; it had shown me who my true friends were.
Most people maintain a wide social network and, when you are in touch
with that network, it’s easy to think relationships are deeper than they are.
Traveling showed me which connections were actually deep and which
ones were only deep in my mind.
It's true that friends move in and out of your life regardless of whether you
travel or not. It’s life — people change and grow apart. You move to
different cities, interests change, people change, and the ties that bound
you grow weak with time. Suddenly, years have passed, it feels awkward to
reconnect, and you both keep moving on.
But this gradual uncoupling makes the separation a little easier to bear.
Imagine throwing a party, having a great time, going to grab a drink, and
turning around to see everyone is suddenly gone.
It's sudden, shocking, and very depressing.
Part of me thinks “Well, this is just New York.” But then | remember the
tales of other travelers who've experienced the same thing and realize it’s
not just me and it’s not just this city.
Travel expedites the process of separation and exposes the quality of
your friendships.
Being away frays the weak bonds you attempt to maintain while
strengthening the ones that will withstand the distance of time and space.
My lifestyle doesn’t make maintaining friendships easy, but it doesn’t
make it impossible either. | have friends around the world | only see every
few years but we make the effort to stay in touch. When we are together,
our bond is still strong.
One of the things | love about travel is that travel friendships remain strong
over time. You only had that time and place and there’s an understanding it
was all temporary. When you reunite, you go back to the way things were.
| know my friends wonder if I’m actually back or passing through and thus
often leave it to me to text them. However, after establishing that | am
really back and | do want to hang out, you begin to wonder how strong the
bond is when you’re doing all the work. When your texts go unanswered
and plans constantly get canceled, you see the writing on the wall.
Maybe they want a friend who isn’t a nomad. Maybe we grew apart and |
just didn't realize it.
Maybe one day the people who've left will wonder how | am and what I'm
doing. Maybe a part of them will be sad that they don’t know.
But what | do know is that while they were ghosting, those that stayed and
| became closer.
And, for that, | am truly grateful.