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BEST IN SHOW
As the movie begins, we see Meg Swan and Hamilton Swan sitting in the office of Dr.
Chuck Nelken. The two are having a calm but serious conversation.

DR. NELKEN: I imagine the best place to start is at the beginning. Meg. Why are you here?

MEG: Beatrice has been showing signs of depression.

HAMILTON: She's also been very, very angry with us. Ever since she saw us having sex.

DR. NELKEN: When you were having sex, was it different or unusual in any way?

MEG: We got a book. Kama Sutra. I lit some candles and played some music. And got myself in
a position that wasn't very easy for me, emotionally. It's called the Congress of the Cow where
the woman is bent over, the hands are on the floor, the man is behind.

DR. NELKEN: What did she do when she saw you?

HAMILTON: : She just stood there staring at us.

DR. NELKEN: She didn't say anything?

HAMILTON: Didn't say a word.

DR. NELKEN: What would you like to say to Beatrice right now?

Camera pans to Beatrice, a gray Weimaraner sleeping on a doggy bed.

MEG: I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to see that.

HAMILTON: Beatrice, can you look at us? Come on, honey, Mommy and Daddy are over here.

Cut to a new scene. An outdoor festival of some sort. A man grills meat, folding tables
and tents have been set up, etcetera. Location: Fern City, Florida.

FERN CITY SHOW JUDGE: Bring you champions into the ring, please. Thank you.

A single file line of dog handlers parade their dogs around in a circle for the dog show
judge to see. Cookie Fleck, a proud owner of a terrier named Winky, waves at her
husband Gerry in the crowd.

FERN CITY SHOW JUDGE: Right on around. Just trot him straight away and back, please.
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MALE SPECTATOR: They couldn't have ordered up a nicer day, I'll say that for them.

FEMALE SPECTATOR: I woke up, I was so glad.

FERN CITY SHOW JUDGE: Would everybody please fill in to line? Leads up. Let's take them
all around.

The handlers circle back into a new order as indicated by the Show Judge, with Cookie
at the head of the line.

FERN CITY SHOW JUDGE: Best of Breed. Best of Winners. Best Opposite.

GERRY: Yes! Super.

Cut to the home of Cookie and Gerry Fleck. A pea green single story stucco home with a
bird bath in the yard and a wooden, clearly hand-crafted Terrier-shaped mailbox by the
curb.

GERRY: I like to think that Cookie and I work as a team. Although I do nothing.
She does all the work with Winky. Well, the fiirst time we met was at this big dance.
And I just thought she was the prettiest thing that I'd ever seen. And she was there with
somebody else. She was very popular back then. She had dozens of boyfriends.

COOKIE: Hundreds.

GERRY: Hundreds?

COOKIE: Yeah, hundreds.

GERRY: I did not know that! (​laughs, awkwardly​) Hundreds. Well, not that I didn't have
a reputation myself because, you know, I was considered by (​he makes finger quotes​) "some" to
be quite the Casanova, myself. Back at Ponce de Leon Junior High. But we started dancing....

COOKIE: He didn't want to dance! I was dancing by myself.

GERRY: I didn't want to dance because--

COOKIE: I said, "Get up, Gerry."

GERRY: I kept saying, "No, I can't dance. I've got two left feet! I've got two left feet!"

COOKIE: I thought he was kidding.

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GERRY: But I wasn't. I was born with two left feet.

The camera pans down to Gerry’s two, left-foot shaped tan suede shoes.
GERRY: And they had a nickname for me. They used to call me Loopy because, you know,
I would walk in little loops. I kept going in circles. And then with some therapy I learned how to
walk a straight line.

COOKIE: And dance.

GERRY: And dance!

COOKIE: Oh, man, you got moves better than Winky, I think.

GERRY: (​bashfully​) Well.

Cut to the home office of Dr. Theodore W. Millbank III, President of Mayflower Kennel
Club. An austere room with dark oak paneling, an enormous brass lamp, and a painted
portrait of 17th Century looking people surrounded by dogs.

DR. THEO: My great-grandfather Millbank, in 1875 began the Mayflower Kennel Club
and Dog Show. It started small. In fact. He operated out of this house we're in this beautiful
building, and this lovely room which grew and grew, and of course, nobody lives here anymore.
But, it's our it's our place. And then my grandfather continued the tradition and really, I think
what we're talking about is standards very, very specific, rigid, you could say but in this
world.....where would we be without them, I think. And notice where we are. We've got some
real standards.....and in Jessica's case, we have a bite standard but we don't have a number of
teeth standard. The breeds do differ in that, but they're very strict and they're very, very pure.
And, that….

Jessica, a white fuzzy dog that has been sitting in Dr. Millbank’s lap, growls a little.

DR. THEO: Oh, yes? Did you hear that? Did you hear what I said? I think she-- I think you
heard what I said. You were listening to me.

Cut to The Fishin’ Hole, a pleasant looking shop set up in the front of an old wooden
house along a country road in Pinenut, North Carolina. Harlan Pepper is deep in
conversation with two fishin’ enthusiasts.

FISHIN’ HOLE GUY 1: Now, when somebody comes in here.....your average tourist,
fisherperson, right? They want to know, "Where do I go?" What you do is sell them this map...
...and all these different flies. You take the map.

He demonstrates by taping actuarial fishing lures to a Rand McNally printed map book.
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FISHIN’ HOLE GUY 1: You take your best places and you take the best fly for the place, put it
right on the map. Then you'd sell them the map. Now they know where to go.

HARLAN: (​He has a​ ​Georgia-ish, Carolina-ish accent)​ We pick out the pattern for you. It could
be a Disco Midge, it could be a Beadhead…

FISHIN’ HOLE GUY 2: Right.

HARLAN: ...it could be a Parachute Adams, whatever it is.

FISHIN’ HOLE GUY 2: Right, right, right.

HARLAN: He doesn't have to think, "Oh."

FISHIN’ HOLE GUY 2: Here’s a Waterloo Jade.

Cut to Harlan in a personal interview with the documentarians.

HARLAN: Aside from fishing.....dogs have always been a big thing in my family. My father was
a Coonhound man. He had Red Bones and his brother had a Blue Tick, and his brother had a
Plott Hound and some other members of the family...they had Steven's stock and some
Cataloona Hounds. And my brother Otto also had a Red Bone. We'd fight all the time. He'd say,
"I'm a Red Bone man!" I used to say, "I'm a Bloodhound man!" The Bloodhound, of all the
breeds, is just such a noble, loyal, perfect dog. You can't find a better dog on the whole planet
Earth. And I would guess that even if one day they land on some other planet in Venus or Mars,
whatever you couldn't find a better dog. And Hubert is the best Hound 've ever had. I've had
probably 10 or 15. He is not only a great show dog, but he could be a great man-trail dog. If the
police came and said, "I need a great Bloodhound" he would be the one to take out. Because if
there was some kind of convict loose, ya know, God forbid he would be the one to find him.

Cut to Tribeca, New York City. Stefan Vanderhoof and Scott Donlan walk into a
traditional NYC butcher shop, each carrying a Shit-Tzu wearing a little yellow raincoat.

NEW YORK BUTCHER: (​Brooklyn accent​) We got all fresh cuts today, top-loin, porterhouse,
T-bone, blade, ball-tip, tri-tip, chuck. We got everything.

SCOTT: So, basically, you know, meat.

NEW YORK BUTCHER: Got a lot of meat.

SCOTT: Oh, good.

NEW YORK BUTCHER: Got a lot of meat here.

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STEFAN: Now, Tyrone… (​pronounced tah-RONE​) ...liked those kidneys. How about a
half-pound?

SCOTT: No, not the kidneys. It’s the membranes, I don’t want to pull those off.

STEFAN: I'll take care of the membranes.

SCOTT: Randy, you could pull the membrane off.

STEFAN: Will you stop it? Ahh, I think a little bit of the salmon. Maybe a half-pound of the
salmon, a half-pound of the kidneys.

NEW YORK BUTCHER: Half pound, got it.

SCOTT: And do me a favor. Just get one of those pepperoni sticks out. I just want to hold it.

STEFAN: Will you stop it? You are so bad.

Cut to the home of Scott Donlan and Stefan Vancerhoof. They sit on a couch for their
personal interview for the documentary, dogs on laps, of course. .​

STEFAN: I had been a hairdresser about 14 years...and I went to a show and I saw his nibs
here.having his way with a Borzoi. Just trotting around that ring like he
was born to it, and he was. I asked my ex-wife, I said, "Who's that?" She says, "That's Scott.
He shows a good dog." I've never seen anyone as light on his feet as Scott here.

SCOTT: Light in the loafers. Say it.

​ o, no, no!
STEFAN: ​(overlapping) N

SCOTT: ​(overlapping) ​Oh, no!

​ top. No.
STEFAN: ​(overlapping) S

SCOTT: ​(overlapping) ​Wait until I tell Mom!

STEFAN: It's just he and the Borzoi seemed to have the same prance, the same....It was like
they were two members of the same body, you might say. And it was a wonderful thing.

SCOTT: I knew a guy who had two members on the same body.

​ ill you stop it? I doubt it.

STEFAN: ​(overlapping) W

SCOTT: ​(overlapping) ​I dated him. For about a half hour.

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STEFAN: ​(overlapping) I​ n your dreams.

​ ot so exhausted.... Go on. I'm sorry. You were telling a story.

SCOTT: ​(overlapping) G

STEFAN: No, and I asked Deb, I said, "Who's that?" She said: "That's Scott, and he cuts hair,
he grooms dogs...and he shows dogs, and he's a genius."

SCOTT: Then you know at that time I was, like, wild man on campus.

STEFAN: Club scene. Mr. Club Scene here.

SCOTT: Oh my god! You know, On Friday night, I'd have 3 Saturday nights, then go home and
wake up. My, God, what a thrill. Don't knock it till you've tried it. Anyway, so we get together,
we see several movies...\

STEFAN: ...we like the same stuff.

SCOTT: Yeah, before you know it, you know…

STEFAN: It's the all-American love story.

SCOTT: It sure is.

STEFAN: Writ large.

SCOTT: On the marquee, big letters: "Us."

Cut to Cabot Mansion, in Philadelphia Pennsylvania. The residents are octogenarian

Mister Leslie Ward Cabot and his much younger voluptuous wife, Sherri Ann Cabot.
They sit on a matching pair of dusty-rose colored captains chairs, along with their big
white Standard Poodle.

SHERRI ANN: Leslie and I have been together five years. We have an amazing relationship,
and it's very physical. I mean, he still pushes all my buttons. And you know, people say, "Oh, but
he's so much older than you." And you know what? I'm the one having to push him away. Yeah,
we both have so much in common. We both love soup. And we love the outdoors. We love
snow peas. And talking and not talking.

The poodle whimpers. Sherri Ann briefly loses focus then is back on track.

SHERRI ANN: We could not talk or talk forever and still find things to not
talk about.
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Cut to a large arena-style venue, such as where a basketball game or figure skating
competition might be held. It’s empty, but Graham Chissolm stands high up in the
seating area for his interview.

GRAHAM: Hi. I'm Graham Chissolm. I'm the show chairman. This is a very special time for me.
It's something I do every year before the show it;s come here and kind of, for the last time, enjoy
the solitude of what I call a blank canvas. And there it is right there. There's nothing out there.
Not that I can see, anyway. No one here. In five days from now, you are not gonna believe the
difference. This center will be packed with people. And the roar of the crowd, the energy that
this building will exude will be phenomenal with winners and losers. Although no one loses. We
don't like to say that. But some have a long drive home. There are sad eyes on some dogs that
worked hard to get here.

Cut to a stately home in Moordale Illinois. It looks a lot like the house from Home Alone,
but it’s the home of Meg Swan and Hamilton Swan. Meg rushes through the house
looking for Hamilton, who walks at a medium pace on a treadmill in the living room.,
alongside Beatrice who also has her own doggy treadmill.

MEG: Hamilton? Hamilton?!? We gotta call Dr. Nelken.

HAMILTON: Why?

MEG: Beatrice made a pee-pee on the sheets.....and a poopie in your slipper.

HAMILTON: In my Orvis slippers?

MEG: I don't know.

HAMILTON: God.

MEG: You been talking to her?

HAMILTON: Of course I have.

MEG: What have you been saying?

HAMILTON: I've been saying that when mommy and daddy make love it's a beautiful thing.

MEG: Sometimes.

HAMILTON: Excuse me?

Cut to Meg and Hamilton on a couch in their own home, being interviewed for the documentary.
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MEG: We met at Starbucks. Not at the same Starbucks. We saw each other at different
Starbucks acrossthe street from each other…

HAMILTON: Mm hmm.

MEG: And Hamilton got up the courage to walk across the street one day and approached me.

HAMILTON: Yeah. I'd seen you at law school before.

MEG: Yeah.

HAMILTON: And I know that sometimes I'd be in one Starbucks you'd be in the other Starbucks,
and then I'd think l should go over to that Starbucks next weekend. And then you'd be at the
other Starbucks. So we kind of crossed....

MEG: (​laughs, highly amused by telling this story again​)

HAMILTON: I know. It sounds so stupid now.

MEG: He's so good.

HAMILTON: I remember I was drinking when I met you. It was a grande espresso.

MEG: That's right, and I thought that was really sexy.

HAMILTON: Yeah.

MEG: I was drinking cappuccinos.

HAMILTON: I remember.

MEG: Then I went to lattes, and then now, double espresso macchiato.

HAMILTON: And I'm now a big old, you know, Chai-tea-latte, soy milk kind of guy.

MEG: Soy. Yeah.

HAMILTON: Because of the lactose.

MEG: You're lactose intolerant now.

HAMILTON: Mm hmm. And I walked across the street, and there you were....And oh my gosh.

MEG: Working on my Mac.

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HAMILTON: (overlapping) And I had my Mac.

MEG: (overlapping) Your Mac.

HAMILTON: And there, and then, I look over and she's reading J. Crew. That's so weird, as I
was such a huge J. Crew person then too.

MEG: Mm hmm.

HAMILTON: Still am.

MEG: Mm hmm.

HAMILTON: We sometimes like to just go to Starbucks on weekends and take an L.L. Bean
catalog. I'll say, "Honey, what's new?" She has five minutes to look and find what's new.

MEG: They've been around forever. We were so lucky to have been raised amongst catalogs.

HAMILTON: Oh, it's so much easier. Because, you don't have to deal with people as much.
You can just talk to the person on the phone.

MEG: Or not.

HAMILTON: Yeah.

Cut to the woods. Harlan and Hubert, a bloodhound, are taking a walk.

HARLAN: I like to take Hubert for a walk in the woods before l show him, because it's a more
natural kind of environment for him and it makes him relax and it makes me relax too, to not
think about the competition. Just take a walk and, you know smell the ground and all that, and....

Closeup of Hubert licking Harlan’s face.

HARLAN: What'd you smell? What'd you smell? See, a lot of times, what he's doing is, he's--
A Bloodhound not only has a great nose, but he also--They can talk. So, what he's
doing, he's talking. He's saying, (​Ventriloquist style,​ ​in a special Hubert voice, that does not
reflect a Carolina drawl at all)​ "What'd you talk?" What'd you talk? What'd you talk? He's saying,
"I'm ready." That's when he's ready for a show. Because he says, "I'm ready. I'm ready." Then I
know he's ready.
What is it, boy? He says, "I'm ready. I've walked and I'm ready." Have a good night's sleep, and
then we'll get going and it'll be showtime for you, right? Now, look at that. The judge will look at
him and say....Sometimes I think he'll talk to the judge and say: (​Hubert now has a slightly
higher-pitched, vaguely childlike style dialect​) "Hey, judge! Hey, judge!nLook at me!" I mean, the
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dog isn't going to talk. But his mind is like a telepathy thing where he says: (​oh wait, now Hubert
is from the Carolinas)​ "I'm the best one here. I'm the best one you've ever seen." The judge, in
his mind, because he can pick up on the telepathy, will sometimes give him the blue ribbon.
“Hey, judge! What's going on in there? I know what you're thinking. And I'm the best dog
in the whole ring!" See? That's not a bad idea. Maybe I just should do that. Practice that,
right? Hubert.

Cut to a party in Cookie & Gerry’s backyard, maybe. A celebration of Winky the terrier’s
win. There are balloons.

WINKY’S PARTY GUEST 1: Congratulations!

GERRY: The big show.

WINKY’S PARTY GUEST 1: You gotta be happy.

GERRY: The big show.

WINKY’S PARTY GUEST 1: What'll you do in Philly? What will you see?

GERRY: Everything. We'll see the Liberty Bell…

WINKY’S PARTY GUEST 1: No!

GERRY:...the place where they make the cream cheese....

WINKY’S PARTY GUEST 1: Oh, honey! Honey. They're going to Philly to see where they make
the cream cheese we've been talking about!

COOKIE: I want to see where they make the light cream cheese.

WINKY’S PARTY GUEST 2: (​Laughs hysterically)

COOKE I don't want to go to that other building. Please!

GERRY: Yes, that factory is not made out of brick, I don't think.

WINKY’S PARTY GUEST 3: (​overlapping​) Ahhhh, that’s so great.

WINKY’S PARTY GUEST 1: We'll cross our fingers for you. Fingers crossed.
WINKY’S PARTY GUEST 2: Fingers crossed.

COOKIE: We'll stop to see friends. In Akron. I told you about the Bermans.
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EVERYONE: ​(Overlapping)​ Oh yeah! Yes. Oh yeah.

COOKIE: Our good friends. We'll gonna stop there. They’ve offered us their place to stay for the
night.

(laugher from the group)

WINKY’S PARTY GUEST 1: You've talked about him before.

COOKIE: They're dear friends.

(laugher & chit chat from the group)

GERRY: My wife wants to drive 140 miles out of our way to see some people we saw
three years ago.

The group falls silent.

GERRY: I. I. Anyway.

COOKIE: (​after a pause)​ Oh, someone's still a little jealous.

GERRY: Oh, jealous? (​not laughing, but saying)​ Ha ha ha.

COOKIE: How many years ago did he poke me?

GERRY: (​trying to play cool)​ Ha ha ha.

COOKIE: How many years ago was that?

GERRY: You've met my wife, the comedian. She thinks I'm jealous.

COOKIE: Gerry!

WINKY’S PARTY GUEST 1: I'm sure it's all over with.

Cookie kisses Gerry.

WINKY’S PARTY GUEST 2: Oh, see?

WINKY’S PARTY GUEST 3: ​(overlapping)​ See?

WINKY’S PARTY GUEST 1: ​(overlapping) ​Come on. Look how sweet.

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WINKY’S PARTY GUEST 3: ​(overlapping) ​Now see, that's why it works.

Cut to a short time later, still at Winky’s party. Cookie & Gerry sing their signature tune,
that they clearly write themselves. Cookie attempts to harmonize.

COOKIE & GERRY SING:

God loves a Terrier
Yes, he does
God loves a Terrier
That's because
Small, sturdy, bright and true
They give their love to you
God didn't miss a stitch
Be a dog or be a bitch
When he made the Norwich merrier
With his cute little derriere
Yes, God loves a Terrier

The unimpressed-yet-loyal backyard party crowd tactfully cheers.

Cut to an open acreage that belongs to Handler and dog enthusiast, Christy Cummings,
as Christy chases Sherri Ann’s poodle around, playing with or possibly training the dog.

CHRISTY: What is this? What is this ball? What is this ball? Is this your ball? ls this your ball?

Close-up on Sherri Ann for an interview with the documentarians.

SHERRI ANN: We have a wonderful working relationship. And l have to say I wanted the best
handler.....and I get what I want.

CHRISTY: You sure did. This kennel that I opened up was really just a kennel until Sherri Ann
and Leslie showed up and their generosity has turned this humble little kennel--

SHERRI ANN: It was a shit box.

CHRISTY: Well, yeah. They have turned this place into a cutting-edge, state-of-the-art kennel
facility and I'm just so grateful to them. It's just fantastic. With Sherri Ann, we have this fantastic
friendship too. It's really great. We have a little bit of a family dynamic going here and it mirrors
what I grew up with. My father was the taskmaster…

SHERRI ANN: Which is…

CHRISTY: ...the disciplinarian, which is what I do,

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SHERRI: Total disciplinarian.

CHRISTY: I'm the mommy/daddy.

SHERRI ANN: Like, Mr. Punishment.

CHRISTY: Well, you know, I also reward. But Sherri is responsible for the
unconditional love....

SHERRY ANN: And the (​dec-or-AY-tiv​) decorative abilities.

CHRISTY: The heart and soul, which is what my mother did, you know? That was her job. She
was there for unconditional love. And it worked for my family…

SHERRI ANN: (​Finding truth​) Mmmmm.

CHRISTY: ...until my mom committed suicide in '81 .

SHERRI ANN: (​Grimly​) Mmmm.

Cut to out front of Cookie & Gerry’s house. A navy blue and white Chevrolet van is pulled
up to the curb. They are getting ready to hit the road to Philly! Gerry rushes out of the
house toward the Chevy with his hands full.

WINKY PARTY GUEST 1: Here, let me help you out. Let me help you.

GERRY: I got it, I got it.

WINKY PARTY GUEST 1: Come on, slow down, you got a long trip ahead of you, boy.

The ladies are huddled around. Party Guest 3 ceremoniously hands a wad of disposable
plastic grocery store bags to Cookie.

WINKY PARTY GUEST 3: Okay, for Winky's poopies, just in case.

COOKIE: You're so thoughtful.

WINKY PARTY GUEST 3: Sure. Mm hmm. Love you.

COOKIE: Thank you.

WINKY PARTY GUEST 2: We love you.

COOKIE: And thanks for checking in on the house.

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Party Guest 3, aka Jack, presents a handwritten list to Gerry as he shuts the doors to the
Chevy Van.

WINKY PARTY GUEST 1: Sherman's War Trail in Atlanta, get a ham sandwich at Lee's
Comeuppance. Make sure you stop there and get a ham sandwich.

WINKY PARTY GUEST 2 & 3: Alright. Oh! Okay!

GERRY: Jack, the keys. Front door--

WINKY PARTY GUEST 1: We know how to get in.

WINKY PARTY GUEST 2: Okay, Ger, have a good one.

WINKY PARTY GUEST 3: Have a great time. Bring home the blue ribbon!

GERRY: Don't water the plants, they're plastic.

WINKY PARTY GUEST 2: Bye!

WINKY PARTY GUEST 3: Bring home the blue ribbon.

WINKY PARTY GUEST 2: We'll have drinks when you get back.

GERRY: Forward…

GERRY & COOKIE: Ho!

PARTY GUESTS 1, 2, & 3: Bye! See you! Have a great time!

Cut to just outside The Fishin’ Hole. Harlan & his crew load the RV. Harlan has the
bloodhound, and friend #1 has a big cardboard box.

FISHIN’ HOLE GUY 2: You got your road map and stuff?

HARLAN: I think I'm all set, fellas.

FISHIN’ HOLE GUY 1: What the heck you got in here?

HARLAN: That's a little thing I picked up.

FISHIN’ HOLE GUY 2: Will you do some fishing while you’re up there?

HARLAN: No, I'm going to the dog show, Dale. .

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FISHIN’ HOLE GUY 2: They ain't got no lakes or rivers or nothin in Philadelphia?

HARLAN: I don't think I'll have much time to do that.

FISHIN’ HOLE GUY 1: Good luck, Hubert! Go put some hurt on them Yankee dogs.

HARLAN: Thanks, fellas. We really appreciate it.

FISHIN’ HOLE GUY 1: We'll take care of everything. Don't have to worry about nothing. We got
it in order.

FISHIN’ HOLE GUY 2: This is that tape I was telling you about with that guy that does funny
songs. It's real good for the road.

HARLAN: Thanks.

FISHIN’ HOLE GUY 1: Bon voyage, Hubert. Good luck.

FISHIN’ HOLE GUY 2: (​overlapping)​ Catch a big one! Have a good time! Hubert, who’s gonna
catch a big fish? Who's going fishing?

FISHIN’ HOLE GUY 1: (​overlapping​)Go get them, Hubert! You’re the dog! You’re the dog!

FISHIN’ HOLE GUY 2: (​overlapping)​ Have a good time. If you get tired, pull over. If you get
hungry, eat something. Bye!

FISHIN’ HOLE GUY 1: (​overlapping​) See you, Hubert!

FISHIN’ HOLE GUY 2: (​overlapping​) Don't forget the tape!

Cut to the event arena, still empty except for Graham Chissolm and a crew of men
setting up pipe and drape. Graham supervises.

GRAHAM: Well, we've started you can call a little bit of superstition on my part but I always like
to put up the official curtain, so to speak because this curtain herewill carry the...
...official symbol of the Mayflower Dog Show. Really spread the arms, guys, so it doesn't get
dirty. Thanks. Behind it is the holding area where the chief steward will be. He'll make sure
everybody has the proper armbands, so they can....Identifying the dog with the handler
is very important, of course. All that anxiety and chaos kind of happens behind the curtain. It's
good. These people here can enjoy the show and not see that. Really shake it out there. Let's
get the dirt off it. That's it. Been in a box for a year.

Cut to Scott & Stefan’s pace. They are packing for the big trip.
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SCOTT: Oh, these have to come....because....’

STEFAN: Counting those you've already packed six kimonos.

SCOTT: All right, so here is seven.

STEFAN: We're in Philadelphia for 48 hours.

SCOTT: That's seven, so I need, actually, one more. I need eight.

STEFAN: How many tea services can you do?

SCOTT: I need eight.

STEFAN: Why are you doing this? I think we're overpacking. Don't you?

SCOTT: Well…(​confused by the question​) No!

Cut to Harlan and Hubert on the road in the RV. It’s raining as the cruise down the
highway. Harlan sings, then talks to the documentary crew.

HARLAN SINGING:
There's a local honky-tonk
Down in Louisiana
Where the biscuits and gravy
Are like Dixie 's manna
Let's go honky-tonk now

HARLAN: I used to be able to name every nut that there was. That used to drive my mother
crazy. She used to say: "Harlan Pepper, if you don't stop naming nuts...."The joke was that we
lived in Pinenut and I think that's what put it in my head at that point. I'd go to sleep, she'd hear
me, she would just start yelling. I'd say, "Peanut. Hazelnut. Cashew nut. Macadamia nut." That
was the one that would send her into going crazy. She said, "You stop naming nuts!"
And Hubert used to be able to make the sound. He wasn't talking, but he used to go....And it
sounded like Macadamia nut. Pine nut which is a nut, but it's also the name of the town.
Pistachio nut. Red pistachio nut. Natural, all-natural, white pistachio nut.

Cut to Meg & Hamilton getting out of a taxi at the airport with Beatrice in tow. Meg pulls a
large plastic kennel on a low-riding luggage cart.

MEG: Is that everything?

HAMILTON: Yes, it’s everything.

 17

MEG: With all the bags? It doesn't look like everything.

HAMILTON: What?

MEG: It doesn't look like everything.

HAMILTON: (​overlapping) I​ counted. Maybe if you’d helped a little.

MEG: (​overlapping) I​ t doesn't look like it. You know, next time, call a car service.

Meg and Hamilton run briskly through the airport terminal all their bags and Beatrice.

HAMLITON: You should be on time, then we won't have to take a taxi. Did you think of that?

MEG: I can't hear you!

HAMILTON: I said, If you were ready on time, we wouldn't have to take a taxi.

MEG: If we had a car service, they would have picked us up on time.

HAMILTON: Meg, do you have the tickets?

Meg stops in her tracks.

HAMILTON: Do you have the tickets?

MEG: You have the tickets.

HAMILTON: No, I do not.

AIRPORT PASSERBY: What kind of dog is that?

MEG: A Weimaraner. (t​o Hamilton​) You have the tickets.

AIRPORT PASSERBY: How are you, little fella?

Beatrice barks at the Airport Passerby. Twice!

HAMILTON: Hey, What did you do?

MEG: Did you provoke her?

HAMILTON: What did you do? Did you pinch her?

AIRPORT PASSERBY: He almost took off my hand!
 18

HAMILTON: You just get walking, buddy, right now! I'll file a personal assault charge against
you so fast your head‘ll spin.

AIRPORT PASSERBY: Put a muzzle on that, and yourself, Mister!

HAMILTON: (​shouting​) You get outta here!

MEG: (​shouting​) You don't know who you're talking to!

AIRPORT PASSERBY: Crazy people, crazy dog!

MEG: (softly, ​to Beatrice​) Here we go, come on. He's a mean man. Here you go.

HAMILTON: Take your busy bee. Come on, winner.

They try to settle Beatrice down with a bumble bee dog toy.

MEG: Oh, no! Come on!

HAMILTON: Meg, settle down.

MEG: She's not even reacting to the toy.

Cut to Gerry and Cookie, diving down a residential street in the Chevy van. Empty packs
of Oreos and a large can of Coca-cola rest in the console. Winky is in Cookie’s lap.

COOKIE: 1 1 7-2-8

GERRY: 1 1 7....

COOKIE: It's on this side.

GERRY: 2-8. 2-6. Here we go!

COOKIE: That's it.

GERRY: Oh, my God! What a dump! I thought you said they got a better place.

COOKIE: They did.

GERRY: If you live in Skid Row.

COOKIE: (​to Winky)​ You did it. Good dog.

 19

GERRY: I'm getting heart palpitations. I can't help it.

COOKIE: Listen to me. Max is so history! Who's my future?

GERRY: Well, let's get going!

Cut to the exterior of Fay & Max’s front door. Fay opens the door--enthusiastically!

FAY: Hi! Welcome!

COOKIE: Hi, Fay!

FAY: Nice to see you!

COOKIE: , Oh, good to see you.

GERRY: How are you?

FAY: It's so nice. Great!

COOKIE: Nice house.

GERRY: Yes, what a wonderful....

FAY: Oh, nice to see you.

GERRY: Good to see you. It's been so long.

They all walk into the living room where Max is standing around.

MAX: Gerry, how's the boy?

GERRY: Hello, Max.

Max reaches out to shake Gerry’s hand. As Gerry engages, Max pretends to punch
Gerry in the arm in a playful bit of passive aggression.

MAX: (​referring to his own sad gag​) Watch out for that one. Hey, Cookie.

Max grabs Cookie by the shoulders, but she’s carrying Winky so he can’t get too close.
He kisses her on both cheeks.

COOKIE: Oh, Max. Hi.

 20

MAX: Twice, like the French. Come here, boy.

COOKIE: You remember Winky?

MAX: He's a sweet boy, he's fuzzy. God bless him. Here, go to Daddy.

GERRY: What?

COOKIE: Fay, thank you so much for letting--

Max embraces Cookie fully, and goes in for a big, passionate kiss on the mouth.​ Cookie
seems taken aback, and seems to be pushing him away, but also grabs and squeezes
his chest muscles in the process.

COOKIE: Okay.

MAX: Come on, let me show you around.

Max and Cookie head off to explore the house, leaving Gerry and Fay alone with Winky.

FAY: I'll go get the bags.

Cut to the Taft Hotel, where manager Mark Schaefer is being interviewed by the
documentary crew.

MARK SCHAEFER: This is our biggest week of the year, here at the Taft. We're a popular hotel
year-round but now is whenwe feel excitement when the dog show comes through, and all the
familiar faces canine and, you know human alike come and we get to see our friends again and
make the place ready. And there’s a lot of work involved in that.

Mark unlocks a door and leads us into a new room filled with hundreds of bottles and
jugs of cleaning supplies. .

MARK: The key to welcoming animals into a hotel is maintaining a level of hygiene. And that's
what this room is all about. We're pretty well-supplied here for any kind of contingency.
Your small dogs, your big dogs. This is a good, safe product, doesn't have bad odor chemical
smell for small stains, usually small dogs Pomeranian, your little teacup Poodle, what have you.
This is a good product.

Mark turns to a large stack of 8-gallon buckets filled with cleaning liquid.

Sometimes, your bigger dog, your Great Dane, your Bull Mastiff, Rottweiler you need to up the
ante a little bit. This is another good cleaning product. For the big critters, the big stains
sometimes you need the nuclear weaponry, the sodium hydrochloride. I don't know if I can say, I
 21

won't mention names we had a rock group here so we put down the rubber sheets in the beds
but apparently they didn't see the toilet in the room. So we had a lot of cleaning to do after they
checked out. Roasting a goat in the room I still don't understand. Getting the smell of cumin and
charcoal out of the drapes was a chore. That was a big deal. We get an imprint of the credit
card for a lot of money now. We learned from that one.

Cut to Fay & Max’s dining room, where they are seated with their son Zach Berman,
Cookie, Gerry, and Winky, eating dinner.

COOKIE: This is great, Fay. Thank you so much.

FAY: You're welcome.

GERRY: Super.

COOKIE: It's like l know it tastes better, but it looks like that (​clears her throat)​ cafeteria
hot-plate food.

FAY: (​agreeing, brightly)​ Mm hmm.

COOKIE: You know? Which I never tasted. I didn't want to look like a loser. But it tastes good.

FAY: You know what? I had that food every single day. And it was 50 cents back then, sweetie.
It was pretty cheap.

GERRY: What's that you've got there?

ZACH: A parachuter.

GERRY: A parachuter!

FAY: Don’t call that a doll. It's an action figure.

GERRY: It is an action figure. Yes, you got that right. So, so what does that, what is--?
What do you do with the parachuter?

ZACH: It goes up and down like this.

FAY: Honey, don't let it fall in your food. Mommy's not mad, but don't.

While Gerry and Fay have been focused on Zach and the parachuter, Max and Cookie
have been having a silent conversation across the table. They are up to something
secretive.
 22

COOKIE: Is it okay if I let Winky walk around the house a bit?

MAX: Yeah. Whatever you want.

FAY: I've got my puffer. It's okay.

MAX: I had a terrible day today. I can't get rid of it in my head. You have a bad day, Gerry, if
someone returns a sweater. I do and lives get lost. People lose their lives. I'm the chief hostage
negotiator for the Akron and tri-county area. I talk people down. When they get a jumper on a
building, they call me.

GERRY: How many people have you talked down? I mean, is there a...?

MAX: Well, they always jump. I’ve got news for ya. It's a little secret from the trade. They all
jump. But today, we had a tough one. There's a guy, he jumps that doesn't bother me, it
happens all the time. You think they drop like rocks. No. He hit a gargoyle on the way down. He
gets his head caught in the gargoyle's mouth. The head pops off like a grape, the body spins
down like a whirligig. When they hit everything pops out. It's like a pinata. The intestines, like
they're spring-loaded pop out. Forgive me. You know what? I was remembering that time with
you and me at the lake. With the pinata. Remember?

COOKIE: Are you sure that was you?

MAX: I think you know who it was.

COOKIE: I know.

GERRY: It was a long time ago, and....

MAX: Seems like last week. I’ll tell you that. You wouldn't know this but she was famous...
...for putting both her legs behind her head. She could get both legs behind her head.

GERRY: What… you you you you… He's like an animal.

COOKIE: (​overlapping)​ No, it's just talk! It’s just talk.

GERRY: (​overlapping)​He's just like an animal.

FAY: (​overlapping) ​Pinata? I don't know what a pinata is.

GERRY: Fay, Fay! I forgot to compliment you on your luscious melon breasts tonight. How does
that sound?

COOKIE: Oh, come on!

 23

MAX: What the hell are you talking about now?

FAY: Thank you, Gerry. Thank you.

MAX: What you don't understand is...what do they say? ...a picture is worth a thousand words.
I only went through 125 or 130 words describing that. If I wanted, I could go 800 words more.

GERRY: I'll take the picture because--

COOKIE: Do you know where Winky is?

MAX: Next time, I'll get a picture. How about that?

GERRY: Where's the dog?

​ he what?
MAX: (​overlapping) T

COOKIE: (​overlapping) ​Winky.

​ inky. Where's Winky?

GERRY: (​overlapping) W

​ ho's Winky?
MAX: (​overlapping) W

FAY: He's probably just playing with Zach.

​ h, the dog.
MAX: (​overlapping) O

COOKIE: Oh, my God!

They all run outside to try and find Zach and Winky. Zach has taken the dog and climbed
a latter up to the top of the shed. A homemade parachute is tied to Winky with some
string.

COOKIE: Winky? Winky? What? What's going on? Zach, what are you doing? Winky, it's okay,
baby.

GERRY: Don't move, Zach.

FAY: Okay, Zach, listen. This is not a choice today honey.

GERRY: He has a parachute around his neck!

MAX: Please, honey, this is what I do.

 24

FAY: Don't be mad at him, please.

MAX: I'll gouge your eye out with my thumb. I shit you not, you freak.

FAY: Oh, Jesus Christ Max!

MAX: Get down here right now! I'm gonna punch you in the eye till it turns to jelly.

FAY: Don't look at him in the eyes, it challenges him. He doesn’t like it.

MAX: I'll stab you with forks until you bleed! How about that?

Cut to Harlan’s RV parked on the side of the road. We see Harlan sitting on one of those
couches that folds into a bed like RVs tend to have. On his lap, a ventriloquist dummy
wearing blue jeans and plaid.

HARLAN: Hey. Hey, little buddy, what you been doing?

PUPPET: Oh, nothing.

HARLAN: Now, I understand that you went to the circus.

PUPPET: I did. I saw the Hat Lady. … Hat Lady.

HARLAN: (​practicing speaking without moving his mouth​) "Fat." "Fat."

PUPPET: Hat Lady. F-f-hat Lady.

HARLAN: Fat. How do you say "F"? (​referring to an instruction book)​ That isn't in here. How
about the "Chubby Lady." That's easier.

PUPPET: I saw the Chucky--

HARLAN: No, that's "chucky."

PUPPET: Chucky Lady.

HARLAN: Chub. Chubby.

PUPPET: Choky.-Chuggy, chug--

HARLAN: Hey. Hey.

 25

PUPPET: What you doing, Bloodhound doggy?

HARLAN: That's a easy one, "Bloodhound," isn't it?

PUPPET: Yeah. Yeah.

HARLAN: ​(to puppet)​ You going to sleep?

PUPPET: (​shakes his head ‘no’​)

Cut to the lobby of the Taft Hotel. Scott and Stefan enter carrying their Shit-Tzu and
approach the check-in desk.

SCOTT: The doorman's approximately cute.

STEFAN: The Mediterranean type.

SCOTT: I'll say!

STEFAN: You gotta trim their nose hair.

MARK: Hi. May I help you?

STEFAN: Vanderhoof.

MARK: V-A-N--

STEFAN: D-E-R-H-double O-F.

MARK: Non-smoking, two nights. We have you down for a queen.

SCOTT: What are you suggesting my dear man?

STEFAN: Quiet.

MARK: Do you want to pu this on a card?

STEFAN: Oh, yes.

SCOTT: Talk to Daddy.

STEFAN: Seen enough dogs today, have ya?

 26

MARK: Dogs? Yes. Big show. There's a lot of them in the hotel.

SCOTT: A lot of them here in the lobby.

MARK: Okay. If I could get you to sign here?

SCOTT: How tall are you?

MARK: 6' 4."

STEFAN & SCOTT: Oh,

STEFAN: I thought so. I feel like Alan Ladd at Easter lsland.

SCOTT: 6' 4." Where you from? Like, Nor-- Nor-land? Norway?

SCOTT: I'm lrish-German.

STEFAN: Like Robert Duvall in The Godfather.

SCOTT: Bratwurst and shillelaghs. Paging Dr. Freud!

Cut to the Philly AM TV studio. We see Sherri Ann & Christy backstage. On the monitor,
a cooking segment airs live. On the screen...

CHEF PHILLY AM: But this time, Robin is gonna make it for you.

ROBIN PHILLY AM HOST: Okay. Bake at 400?

PHILLY AM CHEF: Yeah. For a very short time.

Backstage again where Sherri Ann gets her makeup touched-up.

CHRISTY: Hi.

JANA PHILLY AM ASST: Hi. How you doing?

CHRISTY: Good.

JANA PHILLY AM ASST: I'm Jana, the production assistant. They're ready. So if you want to
come with me I'll take you on over.

CHRISTY: (​to Sherri Ann)​ It's showtime, baby. (​to dog​) Come on, little poochie.
 27

They all walk down the hall, Christy far in the lead with the poodle, and arrive in the
sound studio just as the cooking segment is over.

ROBIN PHILLY AM HOST: You were wonderful.

CHEF PHILLY AM: You were magic.

ROBIN PHILLY AM HOST: Don't forget, Saturday we have reservations.

CHRISTY: Look. They're having spring rolls. (​to Robin the Host​) Hi.

ROBIN PHILLY AM HOST: Hey! Hi, I'm Robin.

CHRISTY: I'm Christy.

SHERRI ANN: I’m Sherri Ann.

ROBIN PHILLY AM HOST: How are you? Sherri Anni, how are you?

CHUCK PHILLY AM HOST: I'm Chuck.

CHRISTY: My God! You're so short!

CHUCK PHILLY AM HOST: Camera adds a few inches.

CHRISTY: (​to Robin​) I saw you in a store a year ago. You looked beautiful.

ROBIN PHILLY AM HOST: Oh, thank you.

CHUCK PHILLY AM HOST: (looking at the poodle) And this is....

CHRISTY: This is Butch! "Rhapsody in White."

CHUCK PHILLY AM HOST: Hold it. Butch? But isn't Butch a bitch?

CHRISTY: Butch is a bitch.

ROBIN PHILLY AM HOST: Oh, you’re funny very funny.

JANA PHILLY AM ASST: Robin and Chuck, be ready in 10.

ROBIN PHILLY AM HOST: There's coffee on the side there if you're interested.
JANA PHILLY AM ASST: Five seconds.
 28

ROBIN PHILLY AM HOST: Here we go in five.

Robin reaches under her jacket and adjusts her bra, then to Chuck.

ROBIN PHILLY AM HOST: I have to rearrange.

CHUCK PHILLY AM HOST: Energy.

ROBIN PHILLY AM HOST: And we're back! It's a big night here in Philadelphia tomorrow.
The Mayflower's Annual Kennel Club Dog Show. And with us, we have owner Sherri Ann Cabot
and handler Christy Cummings with their two-time champion, Rhapsody in White. Welcome.

CHRISTY: Welcome-- Thank you!

ROBIN PHILLY AM HOST: Yes.

CHUCK PHILLY AM HOST: Well, I am particular about my hair. But this...!

Chuck points at Butch the poodle, who has a traditional poofy poodle haircut.

CHRISTY: Well, this takes about two hours.

ROBIN: What's with the plumber-butt thing happening on the hip?

CHRISTY: These pom-poms are keeping Butch's hips warm from the cold water. The hip joints.
It's very important.

ROBIN: The little drummerette things that--

CHRISTY: Right. We keep--

SHERRI ANN: Those act as flippers.

CHUCK: Huh.

CHRISTY: Right.

Cut back to the lobby of the Taft Hotel.

GERRY: Look at this, sweetie.

COOKIE: Look, Winky! Look, darling!

 29

MARK: Welcome. May I help you?

GERRY: Yes. You are sure to have a reservation for Fleck.

COOKIE: Mayflower group.

MARK: Great. Gerald and Cookie Fleck. We got you for two nights. Queen-size, non-smoking.

GERRY: That is correct, sir.

MARK: You want to put this on a credit card?

GERY: Yes.Drove up from Florida.

MARK: Well, welcome.

GERRY: Thank you very much.

MARK:-How was the drive?

GERRY: Oh, just super! Put a few clicks on the old odometer let me put it that way. Good
weather for most of it. A little cloudy coming up through West Virginia. Then it stayed overcast
through Virginia. But once we get into Pennsylvania, it's still overcast.

MARK: Now, there's a little problem. I’m not sure... Do you have another credit card?

COOKIE: No. That's the good one. That should work.

GERRY: Give it a rub.

COOKIE: Yeah, check the strip. Sometimes the change or the keys....

MARK: No, you see, it's coming up bad each time.

COOKIE: That's a mistake. That's a good card.

MARK: Do you have another--?

COOKIE: That's the good card. I think you should call them, because that's a mistake.
Somethin’s wrong.

MARK: Yeah let me give them a ring.

COOKIE: Don't worry, Gerry. I had to pay the cable, the gas, and the water.
 30

GERRY: It's gotta be a mistake, honey. They're off our backs, but this....

MARK: Do you want to talk to the cardholder? Because he wants to talk to you.

GERRY: Yes, yes. Hello? Yes. Who am I speaking to? Doreen? This is Gerry Fleck--

COOKIE: Tell them they sent one notice.

GERRY: We're having a problem with our card here, and-- Yes.

COOKIE: We have till two to pay it. Tell her we have till two. Till two notices.

GERRY: Yes.

COOKIE: We don't have to pay on-- Well, two notices.

GERRY: My wife does all the bill-paying. She's not a forgetful person. Hang on. Two notices,
honey. They've--

MARK: Could I offer another suggestion?

COOKIE: That's bull!

MARK: If you had cash for two nights' deposit, then we'll--

GERRY: Yes. Yes. How much?

MARK: $150 a night. That's $300. And you'd be refunded a substantial portion of that on
checkout.

GERRY: We don't have $300. We.... Well, I've got thirty-four. What about traveler's checks?

MARK: Yes, We certainly take traveler's checks.

COOKIE: Did you get some?

GERRY: No.

MARK: Let me see what I can do.

Cut to Sherri Ann & Leslie’s estate; a soiree inside. Christy is talking with the
documentarians. Christy stands by her side drinking champagne.
 31

CHRISTY: The excitement's starting to build. Butch has a light in her eyes that says it's
showtime. This is the beginning of our ritual this party, our preshow ritual for the Mayflower.
And we just did the official toast. And the way it goes is that when the ice sculpture--
--which, as you can see, is Butch-- -when it melts all the way down, the party's over. And it
looks like tomorrow's gonna be a beautiful day.

SHERRI ANN: (​nodding; agreeing​) Mmmmmmm.

CHRISTY: This year, we're adding a new element to the preshow ritual. Sherri will be doing my
makeup. I'm very excited--

SHERRI ANN: It's a way for me to relax,and to show, again, my art.

CHRISTY: And she's the epitome of glamour, you know so I feel like I'm in good hands.

SHERRI ADD: I think she could use some glamour.

CHRISTY: Well, I don't know. I'm not you, that's for sure.

Cut back to the Taft Hotel. Mark leads Cookie, Gerry, and Winky into that storage room
full of cleaning chemicals.

MARK: I want to apologize. This is all we have. We are so full up. This is literally… We don't
want you out in the cold. This will give you some sort of a place to stay. Don't judge it by this.
We're gonna get some help and clean a lot of this stuff out and bring in a cot, make it comfy for
you.

GERRY: Good. Oh, it's super. Really super.

MARK: Yeah.

COOKIE: Is there a bathroom?

MARK: Two flights down. Through the lobby. In the lobby. It's the lobby bathroom. It's stocked
with paper towels, toilet tissue and soap. You can freshen up in there.

COOKIE: Thank you.

GERRY: Room service?

MARK: That's the good news. You're next to the kitchen. Literally. Grab somebody and get a
menu. And you'll be able to order from them.
 32

GERRY: And say just "utility closet"?

MARK: As a matter of fact, yeah. I don't think we'll have a problem. That won’t get confused. I'll
alert the staff to your presence too. I've gotta get back to the desk but anything you need,
ask for Mark Schaefer.

COOKIE: Thanks so much.

GERRY: Thank you, Mark.

COOKIE: Thank you.

Cut to Meg & Hamilton’s hotel room at the Taft. They are both getting dressed up in
sweaters and slacks.

HAMILTON: Honey I’m thinking maybe I’ll switch over to the mock turtleneck. The charcoal one
from Saks.

MEG: Great. Okay. Is that not breathing or...?

HAMILTON: Well, it's breathing now, but at the party it's gonna be hot down there.

MEG: Right.

HAMILTON: Then again, it goes so well with the trousers. Or I could go with the lamb's wool.
Then again, you're gonna see a lot of khaki down there. And this merlot looks good with the
gray.

MEG: You know what? Maybe we should stay.

HAMILTON: What?

MEG: We shouldn't leave her up here alone.

HAMILTON: No. We have to go. We have to make an appearance. You know that. ​(to Beatrice)
Are you upset, baby?

MEG: Yes, of course she's upset.

HAMILTON: ​(to Beatrice) ​Don't be upset. Mommy and Daddy are only gonna-- Don't, not the
lips.
Mommy and Daddy are going to go for a little bit. And we'll be back. Huh? You got your busy
bee. You got busy bee.
 33

MEG:-Oh, I want to stay.

HAMILTON: You can't.

MEG:-I want to.

HAMILTON: You can't.

MEG:-I want to.

HAMILTON: You can't stay.

Cut to the banquet-slash-conference room at the Taft Hotel. People are mingling,
buzzing about the upcoming dog show.

GERRY: More Gouda, honey?

COOKIE: No, thanks, Gerry.

GERRY: Super party, huh?

COOKIE: Yeah, but--

GERRY: You know, I ran into that woman that owned the Terrier.

COOKIE: Right, right, right.

GERRY: From Florida. We were in that show. The Elvis, not Costello. Remember that little
Terrier?

COOKIE: The bitch that pushed Winky?

GERRY: Yes. Yes.

COOKIE: Pushed him way off his gait?

GERRY: Came up behind him and…

MALCOLM: Cookie Googleman?

COOKIE: Yeah.

MALCOLM: It is you. (​does she remember me?​) Malcolm.

 34

COOKIE: Malcolm? Gerry, my husband. This is Malcolm.

GERRY: Malcolm, what's shaking?

MALCOLM: Not much, Gary. How are you? Doesn't she look fantastic?

GERRY: Boy, I'll say.

COOKIE-Thank you.

MALCOLM-Just fantastic. Been what? I don't know, 18, 19 years? Louisville. The Mint Julep.
You were working as a waitress.

COOKIE: Wow. Malcolm. Malcolm, Malcolm, Malcolm. Oh, yeah.

MALCOLM: You know, I've banged a lot of waitresses in my day. But you, you, you were the
best. By far.

COOKIE: You don't forget the best.

MALCOLM: Nope.

COOKIE: Oh, Gerry. Oh, Gerry.

GERRY: They gotta do something about the air conditioning.

COOKIE: Okay

MALCOLM: Great to see you.

COOKIE: Okay, okay.

GERRY: Nice to see you, Malcolm.

MALCOLM: Keep them up. Keep them up.

COOKIE: The beat goes on, okay? The beat goes on. Gerry, my husband. Oh boy. Don't worry,
I know where I am. Just.... But that was fun.

Cut back to Sherri Ann and Leslie’s Estate. Leslie is brought in via wheelchair by his
nurse.

DR. THEO: Your house is beautiful. The food, delicious. And to see Butch with her crown on.
It's so cute.
 35

CHRISTY: That's her game face. Absolutely right.

DR. THEO: She winked at me.

CHRISTY: Did she?

DR. THEO: She winked at me.

CHRISTY: You little flirt.

DR. THEO: She’s very cute. She's not gonna wear the crown tomorrow, I don’t think, is she?

CHRISTY: Well, no. She'll walk around as if she were wearing it, yeah. .

SHERRI ANN: It is. It's a fun party.

CHRISTY: Yeah.

SHERRI ANN: We only do that once a year.

DR. THEO: She must be very proud.

SHERRI ANN: You bet.

CHRISTY: Oh, yeah.

GRAHAM: It's her night.

CHRISTY: It is her night. She's the star. She’s the star tonight, and hopefully, she's going to be
the star tomorrow. But we'll have to see, right?

DR. THEO: That's up to her.

CHRISTY: I guess. And some other people.

DR. THEO: It's in her hands.

Cut back to the banquet-slash-conference room at the Taft Hotel. People are STILL
mingling, buzzing about the upcoming dog show.

HARLAN: Some think if you're on a small creek, a small body of water that you have to use a
small fly. But I've been in situations, even on a big river where I'm using a size 18, a size 20, a
 36

size 22. I go with a dropper somtimes or with a Parachute Adams. A PT Nymph on the end, and
you could hook a big fish. A lot of people don’t realize that. Many think you have to go with a
Woolly Bugger or Sculpin pattern of some kind. Maybe Egg-Sucking Leech, which I've never
had any luck with myself.

HAMILTON: Is that L.L. Bean?

HARLAN: Hmm?

HAMILTON: Is this L.L. Bean?

HARLAN-This thing?

HAMILTON: Can I check?

HARLAN:-I don't know.

MEG: Oh, Hamilton.

HAMILTON: What? Just checking.

SCOTT: Stefan, Stefan. This is my "euphemism," Stefan. I want you to meet my new friends.

GERRY: How are you? Gerry…

STEFAN: Stefan.

GERRY: Hello, Gerry Fleck.

STEFAN: Hello. You're Coo...?

COOKIE: No, it's Cookie.

SCOTT: It's Coo-Coo-Coo-Coo-Cookie!

STEFAN: (​to Cookie) I​ was noticing your pants.

SCOTT: That’s not all you were noticing.

STEFAN: And then I noticed this.

Stefan indicates the handwritten name tag that Scott is wearing, which reads “Mary”.

STEFAN: Very funny.

 37

SCOTT: To death.

STEFAN: Did he say his name's Mary, as well as advertising it?

GERRY: He was introduced as Mary, but--

SCOTT: You know what? My name's not really Mary. ​(pause for effect)​

STEFAN: It's Debbie!

SCOTT: It's not. It's Debra!

STEFAN: No, it's Scott.

GERRY: Do you have an appreciation for the amount of work that went into these?

SCOTT: I ought to. I did it. I did it myself.

GERRY: Wow. Gee.

SCOTT: It bored him to death. I talked about it nonstop.

GERRY: That is super.

STEFAN: Well, that is six months working with leather and red thread.

SCOTT: Heaven.

STEFAN: How much fun was he to be with?

COOKIE: Who did it?

SCOTT:-I make all this stuff.

COOKIE: You didn’t?.?

STEFAN: He's very talented young man.

GERRY: You must be very proud, Mary.

STEFAN: "Proud Mary"!

SCOTT: Oh, my goodness! Who are you all of a sudden?

 38

STEFAN: Good baby-boomer gag.

SCOTT: Who are you in the burgundy jacket?

COOKIE: Good heavens!

STEFAN: Mr. Hip!

Cut to Scott & Stefan’s hotel room, later that night. Scott nails a sari quilt to the wall while
Miss Agnes the Shih Tzu watches her daddies. Stefan attempts to put pillows on the
bed, but Scott is standing in the way.

STEFAN: Move your feet. Move move move.

Scott comically points the hammer at Stefan as if it’s a gun.

SCOTT: Gotcha.

STEFAN: Stop it. You're quick enough on the draw.

SCOTT: I'll say.

STEFAN: Thank you, Mr. Handyman.

SCOTT: Yes, sir.

STEFAN:-Tanka up.

SCOTT: Tanka.

Stefan makes a phone call.

STEFAN: Hi, Terry? Hi. Yeah, we're here. Where were you? So, how's everything? Did he eat
the pate? Did you put the vitamins in? Okay. Did he go poop? Thank you. Too much
information.
Put him on. I just want to say good night. Okay. Hi, Tyrone. Hi, it's Daddy.

SCOTT: Hi, Tyrone. How are you?

STEFAN: Say hello? Say hello, Aggie? I can hear him breathing. We'll be home tomorrow.
I wanted to say good night. I'm gonna sing a little bit of your favorite song.

(​singing​) They buried Barbara

 39

ln the old churchyard

They buried William beside her
And from his grave
Grew a red, red rose
And out of hers a briar

Good night. Don't stay up all night watching old movies.

Cut to the opening TV credits because it’s the day of the show, ya’ll! Infamous sports
announcer Buck Laughlin gets us into the spirit with his voice over..

BUCK LAUGHLIN: Live From the Beyman Center in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, USA. It's the
125th Annual Mayflower Kennel Club Dog Show Brought to you by lams Eukanuba. And let me
tell you, the City Of Brotherly Love is aglow tonight. Three thousand dogs competing for Best in
Show. Some big and some are small. Some really small.

B-roll of random dogs appears on the screen. Also people.

BUCK: Bushy coats and coats so silky they look like they were spun by a giant spider!
You name it, they're here! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Buck Laughlin. If you're a
dog or a friend of a dog you want to circle this night in your TV Guide because, Trevor Beckwith,
they come to the Mayflower with their crates, their kibble, and their cookies. And, most
important, with a will to win that only a fellow dog can truly appreciate. Your thoughts on that
matter?

TREVOR: Buck, I can't speak for the animals, of course but certainly, every human being in
this building is as excited as I am.

BUCK: Really? You wrote a book, didn't you?

TREVOR: I did. I did. Follow the Lead. A book about obedience. Basic obedience training for
dogs. As you know, I have a franchise of schools around--

BUCK: I didn't. So this is right down your alley. I went to an obedience place once. It was going
well till they spilled hot candle wax on my private parts. I'm just kidding. I know what you're
saying.

Cut to backstage at the show. The owners and handlers and getting the dogs ready to
sparkle.

STEFAN: Because she's a winner. Because she is Miss America. You are little Miss America.

SCOTT: Hey, come on come on. I'm trying to groom her.

 40

STEFAN: She's fine. She's fine. You know what? She's feeling chuffed. Feeling full of herself,
aren’t you?

SCOTT: What I want her to do is calm down a little bit. Just don't do the front. Let me--

STEFAN: Okay. Fine.

Meg is grooming Beatrice, a short haired dog, as Hamliton give a pep-talk.

HAMILTON: What do you want? What do you want? What do you want more than anything in
the world? Do you want the big blue ribbon? Uh huh! That’s what you want. Do you want red?
No. You don’t want red. Do you want yellow? No. You don’t want yellow. You want to go home
with the blue. What do you see in front of me? You see a blue ribbon in front of you. You want
it? Grab it! Get it!

MEG: She's not listening! She’s nerv… She's freaking out.

HAMILTON: Well, get the busy bee. You want your busy bee?

MEG: You get the busy bee. I need to trim her whiskers. It's in the crate!

HAMILTON: Where is it?

MEG: It's in the crate!

HAMILTON: Why didn’t we have it out to begin with? Where in the crate? It's not in here! It's not
in here!

MEG: It should be in the crate!

HAMILTON: It's not in the crate! I just told you that!

MEG: God, Hamilton, if she doesn't get her toy she's gonna flip out!

Beatrice is chill.

HAMILTON: See? It's not in here! You left it at the hotel ​(escalating)​ You go back and you get
her busy bee. (​full on scream​) Go to the hotel and get busy bee! Run! Run! Go!

Meg runs off to do what he just ordered.

HAMILTON: Mommy's getting the toy. Don't worry. We just had a little discussion. Look at me.
Don't look at anybody else. Don't look at the fat-ass losers or freaks! You look at me!
 41

Back out on the show floor with Buck and Trevor.

BUCK: And what's the first category here?

TREVOR: The Hound group.

BUCK: You have your finger on everything. The Hounds are coming out. These are some
unusual dogs.

TREVOR: This is the first of seven groups that we'll see this evening as the dogs progress
towards the Best in Show title.

BUCK: The judge is Eddie Franklin.

TREVOR: That's Edie. Edie Franklin.

BUCK: Edie?

TREVOR: A retired teacher from New Jersey.

BUCK: You're right. That's a lady. She gives them a thorough going-over. Are all judges that
thorough? She looks at the teeth....

TREVOR: It's very important that all attributes are examined. Teeth, eyes, ears, gums--

BUCK: Ouch! Do I see right? Where's she putting her hand?

TREVOR: Well, she's just checking out the dog's testicular area to make sure...

BUCK:-Whoa.

TREVOR: ...that everything is intact.

BUCK: Hate to go out with Judge Edie and have her judge me. That would be no fun.

JUDGE EDIE: Would you take your dog down and back for me, please?

BUCK: Now she's having the dogs-- Why do they have them run away and then back up?
What’s the point of that? What are they looking for?

TREVOR: For the dog's gait and movement, to see the small angles. So, Edie will be checking
out this thing in particular.
 42

BUCK: Good way to judge a woman. Have her run away and then run back. You know, those
"birds" on Carnaby Street. I'm used to seeing them run away more often than run towards me.
Now what is that? That's a Bloodhound, isn't it?

TREVOR: Oh, this is a tremendous dog. I would say in two to three years, this could be a
champion dog. I just think it may be a tad immature for this year.

BUCK: Trying to get some playing time.

EDIE: Take your dog down and back for me, please?

BUCK: You know what would be funny? I don’t know if they can do this. It's just an idea off the
top of my head. Why didn't he put, the bloodhound, put on one of those Sherlock Holmes hats
and put a pipe in his mouth? Are they allowed to dress up a dog in a funny way?

TREVOR: No, that's not quite what the purpose of these shows is for.

BUCK: But it would really get the crowd going, you know? You know what I mean? The
Sherlock Holmes hat with the pipe?

TREVOR: Absolutely.

BUCK: You could make it look like the pipe's smoking.

TREVOR: I think that would be a little dangerous.

BUCK: I'd get a kick out of it. Now, that looks like a fast dog. Is that faster than a Greyhound?

TREVOR: Well--

BUCK: In a race, who would come in first? If you had a little jockey on him, going-- Let me ask,
if you put them on a football team which would be the wide receiver, which one the tight end?
Who can go the farthest, the fastest?

TREVOR: Well, I don't know any dogs that play football.

BUCK: I'm having some fun with you, here.

Judge Edie gets close to her decision on the hound group.

BUCK: This tension time. Who will she pick? She's looking them over close.

TREVOR: Yes, she's been very careful with this group.

 43

BUCK: Is there anything they can do now to sway the judge?

TREVOR: Nothing at all. Just hope and pray at this point.

EDIE: Bring the Bloodhound out, please.

BUCK: Oh, ho. That's a surprise.

EDIE: Bring the Beagle out, please. Please sit down. The Borzoi, please. And the Petit, please.

BUCK: All right. Our little Sherlock Holmes dog is out there, huh? Even without the hat and the
pipe.

TREVOR: That’s right.

BUCK: So it's down to four now.

TREVOR: She's taking a final look at the four she's picked: The Bloodhound, the Beagle, the
Borzoi, and the PBGV.

EDIE: That's the way I want them! One. Two. Three. And four.

TREVOR: And that's it. That's the order. That’s the order. Frankly, I'm very surprised.

BUCK: An upset. The rookie came through.

TREVOR: He’s definitely come through. That's a tremendous achievement.

Cut to Meg & Hamilton’s hotel room. A maid helps Meg frantically search for the busy bee toy as
Mark the Manager supervises.

MARK: Have you tried looking under the bed?

MEG: Of course I've looked under the bed! Of course I've looked under the bed! That's where
you look when you lose things!

Things get more heated.

MEG: You! What's she here for? I called you 30 minutes ago! You call yourself a maid? Where
are you from? I know people at INS!

MAID: I'm an American citizen.

MEG: (​overlapping, yelling)​ They'll come in a van and they will pick you up and take you...
 44

MARK: I'll handle it.

MEG: (​overlapping, yelling)​ ...back to where you came from!

MARK: Lower your voice!

MAID: Who do you think you are? I've spent 20 minutes for your stupid dog toy--

MEG: (​overlapping, yelling)​ Go get your papers! Go get your papers!

MARK: You're too agitated over a dog's toy.

MEG: (​overlapping, yelling)​ A dog's toy?

MARK: Yes.

MEG: (​overlapping, yelling)​ Well, you don't know my dog!

MAID: Don't tell me--!

MARK: There's a pet store right downstairs.

MEG: (​overlapping, yelling)​ You obviously don't know my dog!

MARK: A lot of energy on a dog toy.

MEG:(​overlapping, yelling​) A pet store downstairs?!

MARK: Yes.

MEG: What are you? Are you a wizard?! A genius?!Why didn't you tell me before?!
(​really​ ​screaming​) Thanks for your help, you stupid hotel manager!

Cut back to backstage at the dog show. Christy talks with the documentarians.

CHRISTY: I gotta tell you, I've never felt more confident than I feel right now.
Like I could say to the president of the Kennel Club’s office and say: "Why don't we skip to the
chase here, and just give me the cup. I'll be on my way. You can take my photo." I honestly feel
that way. But, you never know...you know, ...because there's so many variables that I just can't
control. But, everything's going as planned.

SHERRI ANN: Except for the makeup.

 45

CHRISTY: Well, Sherri Ann did put some makeup on me but it's really not my style,
so I took it off.

SHERRI ANN: It looked good.

CHRISTY: It was a bit much.

SHERRI ANN: No, it looked really good. I did a wonderful...like, ...Sophia Loren Persian eye.
And it looked very dramatic, and looked very showlike.

CHRISTY: It was a little over the top. I looked freakish, so I took it off.

SHERRI ANN: No, you didn't.

CHRISTY: You have to just let this go, okay? But, I do like what she did with my hair.

Cut back to the show floor!

BUCK: Well, now it's time for the toys. They're well-named. They look like they could be wound
up.

TREVOR: Yes, this is a fun group. And the crowd always responds to the toys. It's wonderful,
the character you see in these dogs. That's what a lot of people are looking for in a toy dog.

BUCK: They're crowd pleasers. Frederick Basil-Abbott Ill is the judge. He's got his hands full.

TREVOR: Yes.

Cut to backstage.

CHRISTY: Hey, hey, baby. Aw, a Bloodhound, eh?

HARLAN: Oh, yeah.

CHRISTY: Beautiful.

HARLAN: Yep.

CHRISTY: Beautiful. How old is he?

HARLAN: Yeah. He's 2.

CHRISTY: Slobbers a lot.

 46

HARLAN: He's a 2-year-old. Oh, yes.

CHRISTY: Awww.

HARLAN: He's a 2-year. He's a slobberpuss.

CHRISTY: He is a slobberer. He's gorgeous.

HARLAN: Yes, he is.

CHRISTY:-Yeah. I handle Rhapsody in White.

HARLAN: The Poodle, right? The Standard?

CHRISTY: Yeah. Two-time Best in Show. Last two years here at the Mayflower.

HARLAN: That's--

CHRISTY-I'm sure you know that.

HARLAN: Yes.

CHRISTY: Yeah, so--

HARLAN: I'm Harlan Pepper.

CHRISTY: Christy Cummings. But you probably know that.

HARLAN: Well, I do and I don't.

CHRISTY: (laughing) Well, you take care.

HARLAN: I will.

CHRISTY: Take care, Hubert. We'll see you.

Cut back to the show in the arena.

TREVOR: I'd be hard-pressed in this category to pick my favorite. The Shih Tzu is a terrific dog.

BUCK: What's that one?

TREVOR: The Shih Tzu.

BUCK: The Shih Tzu! That's a name you don't play around with. It doesn't come
 47

trippingly off the tongue. "Stewardess, can I take a Shih Tzu on my carry one. or does it have to
be stowed?"

TREVOR: An old joke…

BUCK: (​overlapping)​ "Is that a Shih Tzu in your...?"

TREVOR: (​overlapping)​ but still good.

BUCK: (​overlapping)​ It's a crowd pleaser.

JUDGE FREDERICK: Ma'am, can I have the ltalian Greyhound over here?

TREVOR: He's known as a deliberate judge.

BUCK: Is that right?

TREVOR: Yes. An interesting side note: In fact, he trained to be a priest at one time. He was in
a seminary. Never went through with it all, but it's unusual.

BUCK: It'd be interesting to know why. But that's a whole other show.

JUDGE FREDERICK: Sir, can I have the Pom over here, please? Ma'am, the Toy Poodle
behind, please. Sir, could I have the Shih Tzu here, please?

BUCK: They are a playful bunch, aren't they?

JUDGE FREDERICK: Thank you, sir. One. Two. Three. Four.

Cheering from the crowd. Cut to outside the area, right after Scott and Miss Agnes the
Shih Tzu have their big win.

SCOTT: Thank you.

RANDOM LADY:: Oh, congratulations.

SCOTT: Thank you.

STEFAN: My little princess. My hero.

SCOTT: Oh, thanks.

STEFAN: God, thank you.

 48

ANOTHER RANDOM LADY: Good job.

SCOTT: Thanks.

STEFAN: The Pom was no problem?

SCOTT: Pom broke his gait. He might as well have taken a dump.

STEFAN: That little Yorkie I was amazed that she finished out of the money.

SCOTT: Who knew?

STEFAN: (to Miss Agnes) Look at this. It's all you.

SCOTT: First in group. Best in Show coming up. She's like, "Group, shmoop. Bring it on the
formal wear." Which reminds me, gotta go to the hotel. I have to change.

STEFAN: Want some soup?

SCOTT: Bath bomb..

STEFAN: Bath bomb..

SCOTT: Immediately.

Cut to a small boutique pet shop. Meg furiously rushes in.

PET SHOP OWNER: Hello.

MEG: Hi. I'm looking for a toy. A toy. It's a bumble bee. It's like a--

PET SHOP OWNER: For what kind of animal?

MEG: For a dog. It's a bee. It's a bumble bee. And it's furry. It's about this big.

PET SHOP OWNER: Okay.

MEG: Right. It's a bumble bee. Stripes on it.

PET SHOP OWNER: Here it is. Is this it?

MEG: No, that's a bear in a bee costume.

PET SHOP OWNER: Okay. Okay. I'm just trying to help.

 49

MEG: It's about this big. And it squeaks in the middle.

PET SHOP OWNER: Oh. Okay. This one squeaks. You know? And I think it's striped. I think the
dog will respond to the stripes. And it's reminiscent of a bumble bee, I think. It's like a bee.

MEG: That's a parrot.

PET SHOP OWNER: I think that's what the dog's responding to. But you can look in the box
here. We have more. Right. Like this one. The yellow and black one there?

MEG: This?

PET SHOP OWNER: That's like a bee.

MEG:-This is a fish.

PET SHOP OWNER: Well, we know that's a fish...-...but to a dog--

MEG: (​escalating)​ Just shut up. I'm gonna get this.

PET SHOP OWNER: I'm just trying to help.

MEG: Thank you.

PET SHOP OWNER: This is least like a bee of what we have.

MEG: I didn't ask for your opinion. I asked for a toy that ​you don't have​!

Cut to backstage at the dog show. Cookie & Gerry fuss over Winky with combs and things.

COOKIE: Oh, baby, you're so good.

GERRY: Yes.

COOKIE: Look at you.

GERRY: Who could look at this face and say, "Oh, I want him." You. Hey, Wink. Hey, Wink.
Look at this.

COOKIE:-Did you see the scary dog?

GERRY: You. Hey, Winky, look at this. You! Yes.

 50

Cookie & Gerry are interviewed before the competition.

COOKIE:He's just a natural. And look at his face. Could he be sweeter or more loving? The
group is all about attitude. And look at this. What, could you find a more likable attitude? A
happier, happier-to-know-you kind of attitude? I'm talking about you.

Cut to the arena for the next round!

BUCK: And here come the Terriers!

TREVOR: This is a very popular group. There's a lot of winners that have come out of this group
in past shows. It's also popular with the crowd.

BUCK: They're lovable dogs, aren’t they?

TREVOR: Wonderful personality.

BUCK: Very frisky, very playful.

TREVOR: Yes. It's sad, when you look at how beautiful they are to think that in some countries,
these dogs are eaten.

RUTH THE TERRIER JUDGE: And once around, please.

BUCK That's my favorite, the Miniature Schnauzer. How do they make them miniature? Is there
some way, some process they physically miniaturize the dog? Or is it a puppy? What the devil is
going on?

TREVOR: They just.... It's breeding.

BUCK: They breed them small. You'd think they'd want them bigger, like grapefruits or
watermelons. Now, what's that up on the table?

TREVOR: That's the Norwich.

BUCK: She's taking a close look at the Norwich. That handler looks familiar to me.

RUTH THE TERRIER JUDGE: Madam, could you bring the dog further down in back, please?

GERRY: (in the audience, to a random spectator) That's my dog.

 51

BUCK: Did I mention my idea for a book for you? Women bathing their dogs. In cutoff jeans and
T-shirts and with the soap. How it gets all wet, then the water, let your imagination run wild. Get
the Kennel Club behind it, make a few bucks. That's what it's all about. Put your name on it.

TREVOR: Well, I”m not sure that...

BUCK: Bathing Your Dog With Trevor Beckwith. Doing It Doggy Style. You come up with that,
I'm not the literary guy. All right. Judge Ruth Collier is looking very closely.

RUTH THE TERRIER JUDGE: One. Two. Three. Four.

Winky is the winner! Cheers from the crowd. Now to backstage as Meg rushes in without a bee
toy.

MEG: Here.

HAMILTON: What the hell is this?

MEG: It's a toy.

HAMILTON: It's a rooster or something. Get out the bee. Where's the bee?

MEG: I couldn't find it. I went to the hotel, I asked.

HAMILTON: You were gone for a half-hour and you came back with this purple thing?!

MEG: Don't spit at me!

HAMILTON: Don't you yell at me! You take care of it!

MEG: I will take care of it!

HAMILTON: Stop it! Just....

Cut to inside the arena.

BUCK: We're here with Dr. Millbank, President of the Mayflower Kennel Club. Doctor, let me ask
you something. I got a little bursitis in my shoulder. Do you recommend heat or cold?

DR. THEO: I'm not that kind of doctor.

BUCK: I know that. I'm just kidding. He's not that kind of doctor but he's got such a good sense
of humor, we like to have a few laughs. Doctor, Question that's always bothered me and a lot of
people: Mayflower, combined with Philadelphia, no-brainer, right? Because this is where the
 52

Mayflower landed. Not so, it turns out Columbus actually set foot somewhere in the West lndies.
Little-known fact. How does the name Mayflower get up to the Quaker City?

DR. THEO: It wasn't actually Columbus on the Mayflower, as you probably remember. And he
did land in Plymouth Rock, Massachusetts.

BUCK: They landed in several places, because there's the Nina...-...the Pinta, a couple of
them....-And the Santa Maria. They all landed in different places.

DR. THEO: Not really.

BUCK: Well, I'm not the historian. Let the production people deal with that one.

DR. THEO: Right. It doesn't matter.

The competition resumes.

BUCK: So these are the sporting dogs. These are the athletes. These are the jocks of the dog
world, wouldn't you say?

TREVOR: These are the dogs that you'll often see hanging on the wall in museums and classic
paintings. This group is actually known as the Hunting Group in the United Kingdom.

BUCK: And the judge is Judge Freda Dunlop. She is also very, very slow… ...and determined.

TREVOR: Very deliberate. Now, we're seeing the Weimaraner, a wonderful dog. That's a
beauty. That's "The Grey Ghost."

Beatrice jumps up and starts barking at Judge Freda Dunlop.

HAMILTON: Oh, I'm sorry. Get down.

JUDGE FREDA DUNLOP: Please get control of your dog.

BUCK: Uh oh! That's not a good start.

HAMILTON: Come on, Beatrice. Right around here. Let's try again. This has never happened
before, ever. I swear.

JUDGE FREDA DUNLOP: I'm sorry. We're dismissing you.

HAMILTON: Just give us another chance.

JUDGE FREDA DUNLOP: I'm sorry. We're dismissing you.

 53

Judge Freda summons the Ring Steward to escort Hamilton and Beatrice away.

HAMILTON: No, let me just try again.

TREVOR: : This does not look good.

BUCK: He went after her like she's made out of ham. And I guess he's getting the old heave-ho.

TREVOR: That’s it. Yes, yes, yes. The dog has been excused.

BUCK: She is gone.

HAMILTON: (​to the Ring Steward​) Just get away from me, you goddamn asshole!

BUCK: It's a shame to see that happen.

TREVOR: Beautiful dog.

BUCK: But he's still a champion.

TREVOR: Oh, yes.

BUCK: Even though he leaves in disgrace. Like "Shoeless Joe" Jackson. He's out of the
leagues, but we still talk about him today.

Cut to outside the arena. Sherri Ann approaches the concession stand.

SHERRI ANN: Hi. I'd like an extra-large bucket of popcorn, half-butter, half-salt.

Now to the documentarians…

SHERRI ANN: I wouldn't normally just be out here pigging out. But l'm a little nervous right now.
There's a lot at stake. You know, we've had two wins. This would be our third and I'm making
Leslie nervous. I'm making myself very nervous. And my nervousness is is, uhhh, rubbing off on
Leslie. And.... I feel like l l just need to really listen to to my inner instinct and my inner instinct
says "Don't go right now." So, I'm not going out. I'm gonna be right here until I get another
message from myself.

Cut to Scott and Stefan’s hotel room, where Scott pampers Miss Agnes on the bed while
he watches the Mayflower Dog Show live on TV.

SCOTT: What are you doing, honey? They're just finishing up

the Non-sporting in a second.
 54

STEFAN: I'm looking for the hand cream. Did you bring it?

SCOTT: I've got a lot of hand cream. But I don't have the.... God, look at that Keeshond. Is that
hideous? What's that doing at the Mayflower? Oh, my goodness. You might want to see this. It's
Miss Cummings.

STEFAN: Uh oh.

SCOTT: Is it ever Miss Cummings. Oh, my God.

STEFAN: Bob Mackie, where are you when we need you?

SCOTT: She looks like a cocktail waitress on an oil rig. Doesn't--? Look at the piping.

STEFAN: She tries to be so self-possessed, but look at the terror in her face.

SCOTT: It's all about fear for her.

STEFAN: Well, it's all about her.

Cut back to the arena.

BUCK: He's taking his time picking. That's for sure.

TREVOR: And stopping them once again. He is a highly respected judge. Often tends to go on
personality. And we've certainly got a lot of personality in this selection.

NON-SPORTING JUDGE: You're number one.

It’s Christy & the poodle in first place! Sherri Ann jumps up and down wildly - she has
been watching from the wings.

CHRISTY: Yes! Yes!

NON-SPORTING JUDGE: Two. Three. And four.

BUCK: Yeah. Look at that Poodle. She knows she's a winner. And look at her handler. That is
one happy fella.

TREVOR: That is actually a woman.

BUCK: A woman-- Iady handler. They are sharing the joy. And this is interesting, do you think
they can feel the joy?
 55

Cut back to Scott & Stefan at the hotel, still watching TV.

SCOTT: Okay.

STEFAN: Big surprise.

SCOTT: There it is. I better show Agnes this bitch.

STEFAN: Oh, God. When she smiles....

SCOTT: Stop eating that shirt and look at your competition. That is Rhapsody in White. That's
who you're gonna beat.

STEFAN: She wins in a waltz, don't you?

SCOTT: She does. Oh, look. Christy's gonna go talk to Sherri Ann.

STEFAN: Here's Sherri Ann.

SCOTT: What is Sherri Ann wearing? And she--

From the TV, we see Sherri Ann grab Christy by the back of the head and kiss her on
the lips like crazy - not realizing the camera can see!

STEFAN: Hello?

SCOTT: Rhapsody has two mommies.

Cut back to the arena.

BUCK: All right, Trevor Beckwith, it all comes down to this. They're going for all the marbles.
The Best in Show. The final seven. It's the bottom of the ninth inning. It's the goal line stand. It's
the final round. And after all the grooming, the petting, the kibbles, the liver snaps. Your opinion.
Your feedback.

TREVOR: This is a very exciting moment. All these are wonderful dogs. And this is the moment
everybody's been waiting for. The last seven. The best of the best.

BUCK: Creme de la creme.

TREVOR: This is a great moment.

Cut to backstage as our lovely teams and dogs prepare for the last group, Best in Show.
 56

GERRY: As long as you're calm.

COOKIE: I do. I am.

GERRY: Because I'm as calm as a cucumber, okay?

COOKIE: Why don't you sit down? Go sit down.

GERRY: I'm kidding. I'm nervous.

COOKIE: I know so you have to go sit down now because Winky and I have to get ready for the
show. Okay darling?

GERRY: Knock them dead, honey. Good luck.

COOKIE: Thank you.

GERRY: Wink, Good luck!

COOKIE: "Bye-bye, Daddy." Say, "Bye-bye, Daddy." Bye, darling.

GERRY: Sweetheart? Make Fern City proud, okay?

COOKIE: I will.

Cookie walks confidently forward with Winky on a leash, then suddenly, her ankle twists and
she falls to the ground.

COOKIE: Argh. What the--?

CHRISTY: Are you all right?

GERRY: Honey?

COOKIE: What'd I trip on? Did somebody put something here so I'd trip?

SCOTT: Calm down.

GERRY: Why did you fall? Okay, it's just my knee. I'm fine.

Cookie walks around in a circle with Winky in tow, but it’s too late. Her leg is like
overcooked spaghetti.
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CHRISTY: Look out. You're gonna step on your dog.

SCOTT: Oh, no. Your knee is all messed up.

GERRY: We need a doctor. Is there--? Can we get a medic?

COOKIE: It's Best ln Show.

GERRY: Your knee is ballooning up like a watermelon, sweetheart.

CHRISTY: Awww… Awww… Awww…

COOKIE: Baby, you can't miss this. Winky can't miss this. He's worked for two and a half years.
He can't miss this.

GERRY: Sweetheart. He can't miss?

COOKIE: He can't miss it.

GERRY: Then we get a handler.

COOKIE: A handler?

GERRY: We get a professional handler.

COOKIE: I’m not putting him out there with a stranger?

GERRY: Well sweetheart, If you want the dog in the show, we need a handler.

COOKIE: You have to do it. You have to.

GERRY: You have a concussion. You have a concussion! You're not making any sense.

COOKIE: All you have to do is follow him. Just follow him.

CHRISTY: You can do it! We'll take care of you.

SCOTT: You'll be fine. You’ll be great.

GERRY: I've walked him--

COOKIE: You take him for a walk every night. That's gaiting.

CHRISTY: All you have to do is follow us.

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GERRY: I don't even know what gaiting is. What's this?

CHRIStY: Your number, keep it on your left arm, and you keep the dog on the left too.

COOKIE: Gerry you're gonna show Winky.

Cut to the arena. The crowd applauds with eager anticipation as the dogs and handlers
come out.

TREVOR: And here they come! The Pointer.... The Pointer from the Sporting Group, handled by
Jill Koch. And look at that magnificent dog. Absolutely beautiful.

BUCK: Do you think they know the championship's on the line here?

TREVOR: I think they know they're very special dogs and that they're still in it. And the
Bloodhound....

BUCK: Picking up the track of the Pointer.

TREVOR: Beautiful dog. Hubert. I was talking to his owner and handler, Harlan Pepper and he
believes this dog has a tremendous future. And here's the Siberian Husky, handled by Joanne
Dixon.

BUCK: Also a beautiful dog. Magnificent, yes. And they're strutting their stuff too.

TREVOR: The Terrier group now. This is the Norwich Terrier. With....

BUCK: Seems to have a different handler.

TREVOR: It's not Cookie Fleck.

BUCK: We're getting word that the dog is being handled by Cookie's husband, Gerry Fleck.

TREVOR: This is very unusual.

BUCK: Boy, this is thrilling. The bottom of the ninth, a pinch hitter comes in. Am I nuts or--? Or
does he? Something's wrong with his feet.

TREVOR: I don't think I ever find myself saying this, but I think… ...you're right.

BUCK: He's got two left feet.

TREVOR: That is certainly a first.

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BUCK: Go get 'em, pal! Man!

TREVOR: And the Toy Group, the Shih Tzu is here with Scott Donlan...-...in a splendid outfit.

BUCK: Look at Scott! He is prancing along with that dog. And look at his outfit he’s wearing In
my neighborhood, you wear an outfit like that you better be a hotel doorman. He is having fun
with his dog.

TREVOR: Here's Rhapsody...

BUCK: That's your favorite.

TREVOR: ...with Christy.

BUCK: And the crowd's reacting too.

TREVOR: This dog is as close to perfect as I think you'll see. And she knows it. She knows
this.

BUCK: She has a winner's attitude.

TREVOR: And last, lastly we have the the Shetland Sheepdog. The dog I have. The Sheltie.

BUCK: Let me ask you. This may be a little bit off the path. How much weight do you think I
could bench press? Just make a guess. A ballpark figure.

TREVOR: I...Abso...

BUCK: Three hundred and fifteen pounds. I was in top shape. I don't know if I could make it
Down to the end of this arena and back now. .

TREVOR: Quite impressive.

BUCK: Dead-lifted over 500.

TREVOR: I think we're all set to go here. Oh, boy. Oh, boy!

EVERETT THE JUDGE: Bring out the Pointer, please.

BUCK: And the judge is Everett Bainbridge, if I'm not wrong.

TREVOR: Yes, Everett is a very experienced judge.

 60

BUCK: I would hope so.

TREVOR: We're in very good hands.

BUCK: This is like the World Series. You get the best umpires.

EVERETT THE JUDGE: Once around, please. Bring out the Bloodhound, please. Once around,
please.

BUCK: Can a dog win it or lose it in this last round or has the judge pretty much made up his
mind?

TREVOR: Oh, good heavens, no. This is still open at this point.

BUCK :It's apples and oranges, different breeds. Are they looking for something particular with
each dog?

TREVOR: It's a gut reaction on some level. These are all superb animals.

BUCK: Very subjective, then.

TREVOR: Very difficult task to pick.

BUCK: Let me ask you, does money ever exchange hands under the table?

TREVOR: Good Lord, no.

BUCK: Don't stick your neck out. I'd be tempted to lay a few dollars.

EVERETT THE JUDGE: Bring out the Norwich terrier. Once around, please.

BUCK: They are all just one cuter than the other.

TREVOR: And I think everybody responds to that.

EVERETT THE JUDGE: Bring out the Shih Tzu, please.

BUCK: I don’t think I could ever get used to being probed and prodded. I told my proctologist
once: "Why don't you take me out to dinner and a movie sometime?"

TREVOR: Yes. I remember you said that last year.

EVERETT THE JUDGE: Once around, please. Bring out the standard Poodle, please!
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BUCK: Let me ask you something. This may seem like a silly question. If you get a French dog,
a Chinese dog, a German dog do they all bark the same? They all sound the same....when they
“woof” Or is it a different language?

TREVOR: Different dogs have different intonations and tones.

BUCK: The country, the boundaries, doesn't make any difference there?

EVERETT THE JUDGE: Bring out the Shetland Sheepdog, please.

BUCK: I notice in these competitions they don't do the basic "sit up," "roll over," "fetch," "heel."
They start at a higher level than that, don't they?

TREVOR: Yes. Those are the basic commands--

BUCK: And is that taken into consideration at the start, or, I mean are you just judging by how
well a dog is groomed?

EVERETT THE JUDGE: Once around.

BUCK: These dogs are pampered and petted and all in top physical condition. Am I right?

TREVOR: No question. This is the prime. You won't see finer specimens than these seven
dogs. It's a shame, really ,that there has to be one picked. Because as we've said time and time
again these aren't just winners. These are winners within winners. And Mr. Bainbridge is taking
a very, very close look at these dogs. I don't envy him this task. He's a master of 150 breeds.
And this well-informed judge.... This is a terribly difficult task.

BUCK: Like the umpire calling a close play at home plate in the bottom of the 9th. I wouldn't
want to be in his shoes.

TREVOR: The judge is going over to the judges' Table. He’s signing the book.

BUCK: So he's made his decision.

TREVOR: We have a winner.

BUCK: Lot of hearts in dogs' throats. Do dogs react to this?

TREVOR: They sense the tension. They have to. They can't not. And here comes the cup, with
Doctor Millbank and Graham Chissolm.

BUCK: Wow! Look at the size of that. I've taken sponge baths in smaller bowls than that.
 62

TREVOR: This really is the defining moment of this competition.

EVERETT THE JUDGE: The Norwich Terrier!

COOKIE: (from the audience) Ahhhhhhh!

GERRY: Cookie!

COOKIE: Gerry!

Cookie is hobbling as fast as she can down onto the arena floor.

GERRY: Cookie!

COOKIE: Gerry!

GERRY: Cookie!

COOKIE: Gerry!

GERRY: Cookie! We did it! We took the Mayflower!

COOKIE: ​(to Winky)​ You're so beautiful! Oh, my God! Oh, thank you! (​even screamier than
before​) Ahhhhhhahhhhahhhhhh!

Cut to six months later. The documentarians check in on our friends from the Mayflower
Dog Show.

GERRY: After the Mayflower, we came back to Fern City and we were ​celebrities​!

COOKIE: We were big.

GERRY: We were big. Everything just broke loose like a cannon. We were given the key to the
city from the mayor.

COOKIE: With a picture in the newspaper.

GERRY: Picture in the newspaper. We, we, we had....

COOKIE: Radio interviews.

GERRY: Radio interviews.

COOKIE: Three.
 63

GERRY: Three radio interviews. And you know, at some point, a good friend of ours said: "You
know, you've got all these great songs that you do about your Terriers, And and and you're....
Do something with them because you're celebrities now."

COOKIE: We never thought of it. We were just doing it for fun. Just for the love of Terriers. But,
thinking, "Yeah. Why not?"

GERRY: There's something to be said for that.

Cut to a local recording studio. Gerry & Cookie sing into a mic with accompaniment that
was probably recorded on a Casio keyboard.

GERRY & COOKIE SINGING:

Back yard, front yard, or the park
Play with it till it gets dark
Take it home after a while.
Then chew it up
Terrier style
Bow-wow
Delish
Bow-wow
Some dish

Suddenly the producer behind the soundboard stops the music.

PRODUCER BULGE: Cookie?

COOKIE: Yeah?
PRODUCER BULGE: Cookie Googleman?

COOKIE. Yeah.

PRODUCER BULGE: Does this ring a bell? “I'm not wearing underwear”

COOKIE: Bulge?

BULGE: Yeah, that's me!

COOKIE: Bulge? Get out of town!

BULGE: It's me! You look fantastic.

COOKIE: You too. You've grown.

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BULGE: I'm growing right now, girl, just looking at you. That is the one and only time I've ever
done it on a roller coaster.

Cut to the offices of the dog themed magazine, American Bitch. Christy talks with some
sort of editor person.

CHRISTY: I like both of them. And we could find something there. But what I like about these,
and Sherri Ann would agree.... Honey? If we could get this picture of the dog and maybe one of
these....

Now talking to the documentary crew.

CHRISTY: Gosh, it's been a year. So much has happened. Oh, my gosh. Well we didn't win at
Mayflower. Which is surreal and was extremely disturbing.

SHERRI ANN: It was so not right.

CHRISTY: It was devastating. But the silver lining of this cloud, of course, is that you know, it
brought us to a new level in our relationship.

SHERRI ANN: (​agreeing, deeply)​ Mm hmmm.

CHRISTY: And now we got to open up these offices and publish this magazine here. American
Bitch. The dog magazine for women and their dogs. It's a focus on the issues of the lesbian
purebred dog owner. We're on our third issue. These are our first two issues here. And it's
fantastic, you know? Sherri Ann is definitely the inspiration and, you know and I do the grunt
work, the details. She has a very big heart. She's generous. She's kind. She's sweet.

SHERRI ANN: Well, vice versa.

CHRISTY Yeah. She's changed my life. And, and as it turns out, she's dynamite in the sack.

SHERRI ANN: Likewise, I'm suuure.

Cut to an auditorium somewhere.Maybe an Oddfellows Lodge or Shriners Temple?

Harlan is dressed like K.D. Lang and there are wooden flats painted like cactus in the
background.

HARLAN: After the dog show l was on an EI AI flight to Haifa faster than a walnut could roll off a
henhouse roof. And I spent about three weeks on a kibbutz, just mellowing out. Of course, they
make you work and everything. But it was a good place to clear your mind. And I realized that I
had a lot to offer besides just having a fishing shop and going to dog shows, though. I've been
working pretty hard on mastering the art of (​VAN-trillah-QUIZ-mm)​ ventriloquism which is an...
 65

ancient art. And it requires a kind of scientific mind. And I enjoy being able to put people in
another dimension, so to speak where they look around and they don't know where the voice is
coming from, which is the whole point, I guess.

Cut to a bit later, during Harlan’s ventriloquist act for the old while guys.

HARLAN: Let's all go honky-tonking

PUPPET: Down in Louisiana

HARLAN: Where the biscuits and gravy are like

PUPPET: -Dixie 's manna

HARLAN: Let's go honky-tonking They'll be

PUPPET: Glad to see us

HARLAN: On a Loui

PUPPET: Si

HARLAN: A

PUPPET: na

HARLAN: night

Harlan puts down the puppet, then rushes over to pick up a rope for some rope tricks.
But he’s bad at it. And a wooden cactus flat falls over.

HARLAN: Woo hoo!

Cut to a photography studio where two Shih Tzu’s are dressed up in costumes. Camera
flashes are going off. The room is buzzing. Scott has two espressos.

SCOTT: All right, I'm coming. I only have five arms. Hold your horses. Stefan, we should have
gotten horses.

STEFAN: Little bitty horses. That'd be real smart.

SCOTT: Just little ones.

To an interview with the documentarians.

 66

STEFAN: We always wanted to do this. One thing that brought us together was our love of old
movies of the '30s and '40s. The MGM musicals and the great love stories. So we decided to
create this calendar with our buddy Terry.

SCOTT: Terry's a photographer…

STEFAN: Wonderful photographer.

SCOTT: He lives really near us. He took these pictures for us about two years ago for Stefan's
birthday. Which are--

STEFAN: Boudoir shots.

SCOTT: You're not allowed to see them. It's, sort of, that kind of thing. And we love them. And
Terry's very talented. And he loves our dogs. So we had this idea. We loved old movies so
much so we wanted to put it together into one project which was going to set the world aflame. I
don't know if it'll do that, but....

We see stills of their Shih Tzus reenacting scenes from Gone with the Wind,
Casablanca, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, and McMillan and Wife​.

STEFAN: We 're not gonna sell it. We’re just gonna give it out to friends.

SCOTT: We should try to sell it.

STEFAN: Really?

SCOTT: Yes!

STEFAN: Shih Tzus in the great love scenes of the-- Well, maybe.

SCOTT: It’s a great idea.

STEFAN: If we could give the money to Shih Tzu Rescue.

SCOTT: (​with dismay​) Ohhh. They have plenty of money.

STEFAN: So do we.

SCOTT: And what Shih Tzus need rescuing, anyway? What Shih Tzu is straggling around the
street with an old coat

STEFAN: Like the little match girl.

 67

SCOTT: Saying: "Help! Alms for the poor!"

Cut all the way back to Dr. Chuck Nelken’s office.

DR. NELKEN: So, how have things been going?

HAMILTON: Everything's changed for the better. We are so happy now.

MEG: We are so happy.

HAMILTON: And our sex life is finally back on track, huh?

MEG: Finally.

DR. NELKEN: Good.

HAMILTON: Beatrice had so many problems.

MEG: So many problems. She was a real problem.

HAMILTON: Poor thing.

MEG: Just negative.

HAMILTON: Very negative dog.

MEG: Very negative.

HAMILTON: And hurtful, I thought.

MEG: Yeah.

HAMILTON: Didn't you think so?

MEG: Mm hmm.

HAMILTON: Mm hmm. And our new dog, Kipper is fantastic.

MEG: Fantastic!

HAMILTON: Oh, talk about a winner. Such a winner.

MEG: And he doesn't mind us having sex.

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HAMILTON: He likes it. He likes to watch.

MEG: He likes to watch.

HAMILTON: Oh, honey.

Kipper, a little pug, humps Dr. Nelken’s leg.

MEG: What we went through, huh?

HAMILTON: It was horrible. He's a good dog.

MEG: He is a good dog.

HAMILTON: And you're a good lady.

THE END