MARCH 2011
Vol. 5 No. 10
An E-journal on Christian Family Life
Life in a Post-Kansas World
An interview with Rob Norris-Weber by Robin Fossum
“T oto, I have a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore”
Dorothy Gale in The Wizard of Oz (1939).
You may have echoed those sentiments when
navigating the culture that is your child’s everyday world.
Understanding how rapidly change happens in the culture
is to acknowledge that today’s teen years are remarkably
different from those of their parents. Acceptance and
belonging are timeless developmental issues. Today’s kids
make daily “connections” with countless peer groups
through social networks. Those connections increase
both social access and dangers exponentially beyond the
stomping grounds that was their parents’ world.
So, how can you empower yourself for an authentic,
influential relationship with your teen as he faces the
gritty challenges of his world? I invited Rob Norris-Weber
to reflect on this question. Rob has worked with more
than 100 trained adults and high school youth who are
the leaders for Youth and Family Ministries at Bethlehem
Lutheran Church in Minneapolis, Minn. He also serves as
a Peer Ministry Associate Trainer, a consultant in youth
and family ministry and presenter of the Vibrant Faith
Ministries Faith and Skills for Parenting curriculum.
HB What wisdom do you have for parents who feel cut
off from a relationship by their teen?
The question I like to ask is, “Who is the one cutting
off the conversation?” When I served as the director of
HOME BASE • MARCH 2011 • PAGE 1
senior high ministry at Bethlehem Lutheran, I took the
opportunity to get to know our families. Search Institute
had a wonderful survey, and one question was worth the
cost of the survey.
Students were asked: Do you want your parent’s input
on your life decisions?
Parents were asked: Does your child want your input
on his or her life decisions?
There was an alarming realization. Sixty-eight percent
of the students wanted their parents’ input, while only 10
percent of the parents thought their child wanted their
input.
When the parents and their children gathered to hear
the results, when I shared the answer to the question
above, the parents were in disbelief with comments
including . . .
n “That is not true!”
n “Why is it they never ask?”
n “Anytime I offer, I’m told it is none of my business!”
The responses were shared out loud. As the parents
spoke, I watched their children sink into their chairs,
withdraw and a few became angry. One of the children
voiced their feelings, “This is why we don’t talk to you. We
were asked if we wanted your input, but all we hear are
complaints.”
HB How can parents keep a biblical perspective when
facing challenges with their teen?
1
”Children, it is your Christian duty to obey your parents,
for this is the right thing to do. 2’Respect your father and
mother’ is the first commandment that has a promise
added: 3’so that all may go well with you, and you may
live a long time in the land.’ 4Parents, do not treat your
children in such a way as to make them angry. Instead,
raise them with Christian discipline and instruction” (Eph.
6:1-4 Good News Translation).
Verse 4 is the key to this passage. There is too much
confusion about our role relationship between parent and
child. Parents need to always remember who the adult is.
Children are trying to figure out life and need parents who
they know love and care for them.
HB What can parents do to speak faith into their teen’s
life without pushing them away? How can parents
best guide their teen to a real relationship with God?
“When you allow the teenager to
One of the ways to do this is to raise them up with be the expert, be ready to take a
Christian discipline and instruction, remembering that
actions speak louder than words. Christian discipline, I whole lot of notes.”
believe, is described best in Paul’s description of the Fruit
of the Spirit:
22
”The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience,
kindness, generosity, faithfulness, 23gentleness, and
self-control. There is no law against such things” (Gal. 5
NRSV).
Living in this manner with your child (not to mention
all people) will create an atmosphere of care, concern and
communication. My supervising pastor at the time, Greg
Meyer, said it best, “Rules without a relationship equals
rebellion.” Children need to know that they are cared for,
first and foremost. When there is this comfort level, they
will more readily share their concerns. And when a level
of trust has been established, it will allow for open and
honest communication so your concerns as a parent can teenager what are some of the dangers in the world today.
not only be shared, but even accepted and followed. I admit to them that I grew up in a different world and
don’t have a clue about what is going on. When you allow

HB
child?
What key things are important for parents to keep
in mind as they approach the teen years with their
This does not happen overnight. Like it or not, this begins
the moment you meet your child. Parents need to be
preparing for the teenage years while their child is just
that­: a child, an infant who has been held and nurtured,
as a toddler who has been allowed to stretch and grow;
being picked up when they fall, not only physically, but
in all their experiences. The single most important job for
a parent is helping their child be a good friend. Parents
need to realize the best role model they have is you. How
have you treated your child from birth up to adolescents?
Have they been fortunate enough to experience the Fruit
of the Spirit, which ultimately leads to self-control that will
carry them through life?
If you’re reading this after the fact, hope is not lost.
Jesus told us to pray, “Forgive us our sins, as we forgive
those who sin against us.” Remember who the adult is.
One of my greatest privileges is to see a parent and child
renew their relationship. This will not happen unless the
parent is willing to recognize where he could have done
better and ask for his child’s forgiveness. My children
are only 9 and 5, and I have already heard many times,
“That’s OK, Dad.” My sons know I care about them, which
includes being overly concerned sometimes, but thankfully
our open and honest communication renews us as often
as needed.
the teenager to be the expert, be ready to take a whole lot
of notes. Make sure they understand that what they share
with you will not be held against them. If you ask out of
care and concern, without making them feel like they are
being accused or interrogated, you’ll be amazed about
what they know and what they confess to not knowing.
If they do share something that is disturbing,
remember the Fruits of the Spirit. Keep your self-control.
Be loving, kind, gentle, patient, generous, faithful, and
initially at peace with the news and with your child. Ask
him if he has any concerns about what was shared. Work
together in finding understanding and the necessary next
steps, recognizing most things cannot immediately be
changed. What your son or daughter will need most is a
parental friend, who will pick him up, hold her, in times of
need. In doing so, you will have a child who is living the
promise that his days may go well for him and he may live
a long time in the land and with the Lord.
HB Families may not live in the Kansas-world of
former years, but together, parents and teens
can shape a safe and nurturing home-world that
will prepare them to respond to the cultural realities
confronting teens every day.
RESOURCE CORNER
HEARTLIGHT: Parenting Today’s Teens is a
parenting outreach website of Mark Gregston,

HB
choices?
What key actions would you advise if parents
suspect their teen is involved with dangerous
director of Heartlight Ministries, a residential
counseling program for teens. Through his weekly
broadcasts and publications, Mark “offers biblical
insights and practical wisdom for parents wanting
The key word here is “suspect.” First, don’t make
a deeper relationship with their teen.” Connect
accusations. Start with the three C’s: Care, Concern and
with this powerful parenting tool at www.
Communication. I am now speaking as a youth worker
heartlightministries.org/parentingtodaysteens.
and not a parent. I have always found it helpful to ask a

HOME BASE • MARCH 2011 • PAGE 2

Forced Family Fun Nights
and Other Learned Lessons
B eing a parent . . . being a parent with a teenager . . .
being a parent with a teenager whose frontal lobe
brain parts are starting to evaluate. This may sound good
until you realize that you are the first easy subject to be
evaluated!
Through the years, I have come across some unique
gems of family practices. Families that had learned to
make time, create space, and had the wisdom to be inten-
tional. I believe these impressive practices are part of what
set an atmosphere for parenting teenagers. I believe these
unique traits are worth recreating and reshaping for the sake
of the faith and life of our kids. Let me share a few of these:
Julie would say with disgust to me, her youth minis-
ter, “I can’t come tonight. It’s Forced Family Fun Night.”
Even though her sister and she would miss my great
planned youth events, what they got was far greater. In-
tentional time for families to go out and play, finding their
own interactive activities, that included miniature golf,
snow tubing, and even go-carting. No friends allowed on
forced family fun nights. Just the family!
“It’s Candle Time,” the parents would announce.
Both boys would say, “Then let’s do it quick!” The candle
on the coffee table was lit, the lights went out, phone ring-
ers off, and the family sat in the dark. Some nights it was
quick. Other nights the family would find themselves still
sitting 90 minutes later, entering into deep conversations
about news, politics, faith, life, relationships . . . all the
stuff that may get talked about around a late night camp-
fire! No talk about school expectations, or planning for the
week ahead was allowed. Prayers were always shared and
often a reading passed on by their church.
“Look at this,” Sara thrusts a paper into my hand. “My
parents made us write this.” Our Family Creed headed the
paper. I read it. It was phenomenal! I discovered a family
that thought through their priorities, their time together,
how they would relate to each other, even how they
would take time to be aware of and honor God. Sara may
have been disgusted, thinking, “No one else does this,”
but she grew up with a family that was willing to work at
being family.
I ask Joffrey, “Are there things you get to do as fam-
ily?” Athletic Joffrey says, “We play card games.” I was
surprised by his answer. Playing games as family seems
rare in this electronic world. “Yup, Dad often announces,
‘Get the Cards,’ at least once or twice a week. We all drop
what we are doing and gather at the table.” As I asked
more questions, I discovered it was at this table of cards
HOME BASE n Vol. 5 No. 10 n March 2011
Edited by Robin Fossum and Dr. Steve Christopher; designed by Karen Eggemeyer.
A publication of LCMS Board for National Mission, 1333 S. Kirkwood Road, St. Louis, MO 63122;
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HOME BASE • MARCH 2011 • PAGE 3
By Lyle Griner
that the family laughed, talked and became absorbed in
the joy of being family.
One mom tells me about the question. “What’s the
question?” I had to ask. “Who Loves You and Helps You
Love God?” As she unpacked this question, she told me this
had become a barometer for her job as a parent. She want-
ed to know that she was helping encourage other adults,
relatives, neighbors and people from her congregation—to
know, care, converse with, uplift, encourage and love her
kids. She felt that by surrounding her kids with people who
loved them, and helped them love God, was the best insur-
ance that her kids would grow up well in Christ.
The importance of creating regular relational, con-
versational spaces and times to be family is part of the
formula for being a family with teenagers. No doubt those
developing frontal lobes cause cranky words and judg-
mental expressions. Even when those messages seem to
be saying they don’t want you—they really do!
Your teenage sons and daughters need you all the
more. It may not feel like they do, but they do! Set the
boundaries, the expectations, the consequences, but also
create a culture with spaces and times for relationships!
The hard work now is to listen, asking the questions
that get behind the sometimes cranky words and judg-
mental faces. The job is not to constantly correct, not
make every decision, not to pass on all wisdom. Just listen.
If you correct, decide and tell all, you are telling your child
he or she is incapable of making his or her own decisions.
Your job becomes that of empowering your son and
daughter to express concerns, reflect and evaluate, and to
make their own decisions.
It is in the midst of this atmosphere of being family,
that the significant conversations of faith and life flow.
For further exploration, check out the following:
n Do you work for a congregation? Consider coming to a
Living Room Summit. You’ll find one at www.everyday-
everywhere.org.
n Are you a parent and want some conversational tools?
Doing Likewise: Talk Starts, by Lyle Griner, presents 60
verses and conversations for responding to the Gos-
pel. Find them at http://www.everyday-everywhere.
org/p/resources.
Lyle Griner is the National Peer Ministry Leadership Director and
Director of EveryDay Ministry. EveryDay LLC is an extension of
nationally acclaimed Peer Ministry, offering a rich menu of resources for
empowering adults to dramatically impact the faith lives of children,
youth and families to live ministry “everyday, everywhere and in every
relationship.” You can find EveryDay at www.everyday-everywhere.org.