First Ayahuasca Ceremony (Fri evening) 18th of February 2011 (Full Moon)

Victor is opening the ceremony. It is around 10 PM. We are all (around 10 of us, this
time I am the only woman in the group) sitting around the hall, leaning against the
walls.

Taking one glass (glass size like for shooters) of Ayahuasca and settling down in my
spot next to the wall, getting comfortable. My body is slightly anxious in anticipation
of what is going to happen. It remembers how it felt during ceremonies in December.

It is quite light outside with Full Moon being already high in the night sky. Feels like a
very special night.

My mind is still mulling over the happenings of last couple of weeks. Lots of work-
related stress, thinking about the projects I am handling, wondering how I am going
to achieve it all. It is quite a torturing mind-bending merry-go-round type of
neurosis ;)

I thought I learned not to expect, anticipate or project anything during Ayahuasca

experience, but now I find myself doing it nevertheless. I am looking forward to
visuals to come and relieve my mind of its worries. I am hoping for quick release of
my worldly torments. Well, Ayahuasca is not to be hurried and not to be controlled.

Victor starts to sing his beautiful icaros. I am sitting, enjoying the songs. My mind is
slowly winding down. From time to time I find myself deeply involved in pondering
about certain issues. When coming out of it I seem not to be able to remember what
it was all about. Like being drawn to higher vibration levels and then coming back
down to earth with no recollection. I am reasoning that next time I am able to rise
that high I will remember what happened during this period.

After half an hour or so Victor offers another dosage for those who want. I am going
for another half a glass. I feel I am elevated but there are no visuals yet.

There is quite a lot of processing though. Mostly about current events in my life. With
wonderfully liberating perspective thrown in to remind me, yet again, that I am a
spirit reincarnated in this form and whatever happens to me here (on Earth, in
human form) cannot harm me. Life does not really matter because I am so much
more than it. This is all a dream I make as I go along ‘living’! Stop taking your life so
seriously!  One of my major lessons here and now is to realize and fully experience
that.

The big life change I started seven years back (in 2003) – when turning myself
towards spiritual path, is still with me and is shaping my decisions even now. The
feeling of getting lost in everyday world, which made me feel very disturbed, is now
replaced with peaceful inner knowing that everything is just the way it’s supposed to
be and it is unraveling according to the highest good. My mind finally agrees to let
hold of my experience, pacified by this soothing realization.

I am enjoying the feeling of playfulness now – seeing again my life as string of events
which are just life situations without any power of doing me harm. Unless I take them
seriously, of course ;) Well, the challenge is to stay focused on my spirit-nature! And
then all is just a play!!! All is well! I am divinely guided every moment of my life!

The spirit of snake is now taking over my lips, tongue, face and jaw. Feeling my face
change its expression. My fingers claw as well. Then snake metamorphoses into
jaguar. Feeling its strong jaw. My skin is so sensitive all over. I can feel when
mosquito lands on it. Every breath feels like a wind sweeping over my skin. Admiring
my arms and hands – how much they do for me all the time. They are magical! No
wonder some deities have so many of them. I would like to have at least four arms.
Even when deeply into trans, my hands were still tending to my body – adjusting the
covers, chasing away mosquitoes, moving hair from my face.

Having another full glass of Ayahuasca. Still yearning for visuals.

Some psy-trance track kept on playing in my mind. Wondering how it would feel like
to listen to that kind of music now. Probably too hectic.

Getting in and out of certain revelations with little remembrance of it later. One was
about watching the atom and realizing that it is a particle (matter) and a wave
(vibration) at the same time. Seeing that duality while observing it felt really
astonishing!

Ceremony ended and I still feel quite high. My body feels tired, so I go to sleep
eventually.

First Tobacco Ceremony (Sat afternoon)

Purging felt easy this time. Smell of tobacco and lemon water is lingering in my hair
for the rest of the day. Unfortunately it does not repel the mosquitoes.

After the ceremony, went back to room to rest. Reading ‘The Fifth Agreement’ by
Don Miguel Ruiz and Don Jose Ruiz – amazing book!

After a while, I start turning and tossing, not able to concentrate on book any more,
feeling my mind is getting hold of my thoughts again, attaching to worries, re-living
anxieties, spinning out of control and taking me to the deep end. It is twilight outside
and I am feeling very low. Worries about future take over. Feeling very vulnerable
and sensitive regarding my moods now. And the moods I am putting myself in are
very dark. I seem to be going into circles and they are getting smaller and smaller. So
this was one of those moments when I wonder if I am going to go crazy or just do
something crazy or go full on berserk, he, he! Not the first time it’s happening… And I
guess only when I reach the bottom – when I feel so out of control that it is scary in
the most unpredictable way, I am able to let go of it all! And that’s all that was need
to start feeling lighter 

And then this classical music tune came to my mind – very uplifting and joyful (one of
those from Disney cartoon with animals playing ballerinas – hippos, elephants, ostrich
and all dancing and prancing around in big tutus! Hilarious! Music is Ponchielli's
"Dance of the Hours"). And I started dancing all around the room, jumping around,
singing the melody, feeling exhilarated! Oh, what a joy! Celebrating beauty all
around me and in me!

Beauty was the word and joy was the feeling! I am beautiful! My dream (my life) is
beautiful! There is beauty all around me! Truth is beautiful! Beauty is a sign of truth!
See beauty in myself – see beauty in others – see beauty all around!

Remembering Adams Family (series) at one moment. Life can be anything! And it can
be the total opposite of what is considered ‘normal’. Like Moon-bathing (as opposite
of Sun-bathing or Sun-tanning) Morticia does in the series  Why not?! Bring it on!
And while dancing around, I am getting inspiration for beautiful series of mosaics or
maybe collages I want to do in order to express this elated state I am in. I want to
celebrate beauty in every way. I want to express it trough my art! Lots of mirrors and
flowers and lotuses and spirals and flowers again and stars and it’s all sparkling, of
course. And I am definitely at the other end of the spectrum now. So high 

I feel that whole Universe is dancing inside of me. I swim the waves of my life with joy
and happiness!

Time for second ayahuasca ceremony is getting closer. I still feel so high on joy and
beauty. Going to the place where we do ceremonies. It’s quite chilly outside – it was
raining in the afternoon. I am sitting outside, deeply inhaling sweet smelling air. Still
very restless and alert. Noticing every little detail around me. Big bird landing on roof
of the house next to me.

Second Ayahuasca Ceremony (Sat evening) around 10 PM

Moon is still Full and bright. Taking quite a full glass of Ayahuasca and settling in my
space. Feeling still a little high from Tobacco ceremony.

Icaros are so beautiful. Immensely enjoying the experience. After a while missing the
visuals again and starting remembering some of the visions I had in December. This
seems to do the trick and I slowly get into the visions. At first the space I found
myself in was something like the inside of mechanical clock. Lots of cogs and wheels
and round elements in terracotta colours. Quite gloomy and stiff. Not much space in
it. Layer after layer of wheels. No light. Thinking that this is probably how my mind
looks like – mechanical and organized in rigid system. This vision reminded me of one
Osho Tarot Card which represents the Mind. Kind of turning on to itself, struggling to
find a way out, limited by its own functionality. This kept on for a while. I went
through layers and layers of these layered wheels, looking for ray of light.

Sometime here I think I took another full glass of Ayahuasca. Or maybe earlier – not
sure now.

Then I am on the white plane (surface) with some strange elements on it. This items,
spread around, start unraveling themselves into fractal holograms, developing more
facets and blooming from inside out. Now the association with decorations in Chinese
shops (like in Oriental Plaza, Jhb) came to my vision. Scene became lighter because
of white plane this was happening on. The kind of inner, self-illuminated kind of light.
Chinese shops experience led to Indian shrines pictures with even more colours now.
Space is full of stuff – figurines, objects of worship, offerings, incense. Thinking how
Chinese and Indians knew what they were talking about  their shrines are always so
sparkly and full of colours. At the time I considered it quite kitschy. But now I see that
they were just trying to represent the best they could the spirit world, which is full of
sparkling lights! Gold, silver, metallic, jewels, bright colours, incandescent, iridescent
and so on.

At this time my body felt really tired already and my mind was kind of happy with the
visuals I experienced so far. So finally letting go of all further expectations.

I did channel again snake and jaguar from time to time during this ceremony.

And then, in response to all my cries and search for light the Grand Entrance
happened!
The fanfare, the light, the radiance, the fireworks – all that and so much more! Right
in front of me. magnificent Grand Hollywood Opening. Lady Ayahuasca stepped in my
vision and my world! In the middle of all that light show there she was. I think she
clapped her hands and brought light for her appearance! Like ‘And Now Show Time!’ I
can’t see her face clearly because of all the light radiating from her and from behind
her! I am sure she has many arms and her attire is sparkling in all colours, covered
with jewels (similar to Hindu deities for example). Wow!

Next thing I know she is dancing through the realms of energy realms. I see her from
the back now. Her body is a constant stream of energy waves moving in their spiral-
shaped paths. Along her arms the energy lines extend way beyond, vibrating all
around her. She is swimming through the realms of existence, being in all of them at
the same time. Effortlessly connecting them all.

She is dancing and playing with energies streaming through her and with her. I want
to be like her!!! She is all I always wanted to be… To experience all the realms of
existence. To live in all the Universes at the same time. To be able to change and
shift and move and connect as pure energy with no form.

She is not limited to any definite shape. She moves through everything and
everything dances with her! What an existence! And she is just being who she is. No
effort. No doing! Just being. Her whole dance is just her being herself! I am so longing
for that kind of existence.

She is dancing her life and beings who can perceive her (like me in this heightened
state of mind) are just observing her and worshipping her. Looking at her in awe. She
does these kind of appearances where she brings light in surrounding worlds.

I am realising now that this is the existence she chose. And my choice was to
manifest into this earthly body at this moment in time. We are both made of the
same substance/energy. We are just in different forms at the moment. I chose this
body to experience different world. And that world seems so restrictive and limited
compared to what I really am. But it’s just temporary. Anyway, all the representation
of form is illusion and we are all one at all times with no difference whatsoever!

Now I am wondering again what her face looks like. She faces me and I see the shape
and some of her facial features. Her head is elongated and resembles more insectoid
shape. Then she quickly becomes a big spider running along neon-coloured tunnel
curving to the right. I don’t particularly like what I see there and I avert my eyes to
the right.
I see her again as shapeless energy form swimming through planes of existence. She
is mesmerizing!

And slowly the show is over. I am back in the room, feeling still very high. My body is
yawning a lot, looking for rest. Ceremony felt extremely long (actually it was 3 hours
only) – like it lasted the whole night.

Going outside and finally having a chance to look at the stars (everybody is raving
about them and I have not had a chance to see them yet on Ayahuasca – I was
always too weak to go out and look up). Well, they are trully amazing! They look
quite close, shimmering, sparkling and pulsating with light around them! Like they
are LED lights suspended at different heights from the sky. So beautiful. I can look at
them forever! They remind me somewhat of Van Gogh’s painting ‘Starry Night’ – with
that light areola around the stars.
Sitting outside with the guys and Victor. We are all still very high and cannot go to
sleep. It is beautiful: full Moon, stars, fresh air. I feel my body wants to rest. I try
having some squeezed lemon, remembering someone said vitamin C can help you go
down. It is not working with me. Eventually went to bed. On my way back to my
chalet, under my LED torch, greenery along the path had amazing silver colour. It is
all radiating light (thinking maybe that’s morning dew reflecting my torch’s beams)
and looking magnificent. Obviously, I was still high  It looked extremely beautiful!

Getting to sleep finally and waking up next morning around 9AM totally refreshed 

A week after, while I am writing this, I am still processing a lot of what I experienced
during these Ceremonies. My mind is definitely much calmer. I am making sure to
preserve my perspective and not entangle myself that much again into the workings
of material world around me. Not taking myself or anything else around me so
seriously is the key :))) Taking care of my inner needs, listening to my soul. Making
the dream of my life beautiful. All is well in my world! There is nothing to do or to
achieve. World is perfect and in balance already. It does not need my help or
interference. I am here to observe and enjoy my existence. I am listening to my body
and following the path which makes me joyful and happy!