COMING HOME: REVELATIONS FROM FORMER PRISONERS

by Sis. Marpessa Kupendua

"I WANT TO LIVE EVERY DAY, because I'm afraid I might lose it all again!" -
Former DOC No. A27963

Transitioning from a prisoner number to an adult person expected to take on

adult responsibilities can be overwhelming for many ex-inmates, particularly
those who were incarcerated for long periods of time. The prison industry is
flourishing because America is locking up more people than any country in the
entire world (2 million + and counting), most for non-violent convictions. The
subsequent psychological, sensory and physical impact that many of these
returnees experience often goes unaddressed and isn't discussed very often by
politicians or mainstream media, even though each day many of us will share
space with someone who has spent a significant portion of their life in a cage.
Every one of us should be concerned because these men and women are of us
and will be returning to us, our communities, and many to our own families. This
is dedicated to better understanding the impact of this system's 'corrections' from
those who lived it.

FAMILY AND SUPPORTERS

Former prisoners should ideally receive counseling before release and as part of
their release plan to help move through the potentially challenging moments they
may experience upon re-entry. Likewise the family should (also ideally) be
offered counseling before the inmate is released, particularly the children of soon
to be ex-prisoners. Caretakers of the children during the incarceration need to
know the pitfalls that could occur and learn the tools to protect everyone
emotionally while remaining as supportive as possible during the readjustment
period. The family members are changed people as a result of the inmate's
incarceration, just as the inmate is, and so things will likely not ever get back to
the way they once were. Supporters should always offer encouragement and
guidance geared toward smoothing out potentially bumpy transitions and not
make the returnee feel as though they owe them something for having supported
them while incarcerated nor exacerbate negativity that only serves to further
divide and cause pain within the family.

Ex-prisoners may not readily accept the advice of others because they are finally
free to not follow anyone else's orders and so may make errors in judgement
when dealing with seemingly simple situations. Opportunists may take
advantage of some of these vulnerable returnees as some can be easily
manipulated and led into situations that are detrimental to them. Former friends
and dangerous influences may arise and ex-prisoners may even fall into some
old patterns. Even when mistakes are made, the last thing returnees need to
deal with is ridicule or condemnation, breeding resentment and deterring badly
needed support. Many have been terrorized mentally and physically at the
hands of guards and other inmates and have deep scarring that no one can see
from the outside looking in. Comparing one ex-prisoner's successes to another's
lack thereof is meaningless because each individual's journey through their
prison years varies greatly and so shall their journey upon release.

"I had a family. I had a house. I had a car. I had a job.... I was making good
money. Everything was going well, and now I don’t have the patience for
anything.... I have problems with my physical self. I have aches in my body and
my legs.... [My] life is a lot harder. No matter how many visits, phone calls, and
letters you have shared with people, you still don't know how much they have
changed over a lengthy period of time until you're actually around them regularly,
and they feel the same way about you."

"My son wasn't a baby any more and he hadn't seen me in 10 years. Now he was
12. He wouldn't let me hug him. He wouldn't even shake my hand. I'm trying to
understand this. I cry every night."

"I want to prove to myself and those who stuck by me that i can make it right. i'm
so scared of letting anyone down after the burden i've been."

"Everything has been taken from me while inside, my mom had been taken from
me, my dad has been taken from me, I have no family at all out here and I am
completely on my own with $75 and nowhere to go. i was engaged when i got
locked up at 18 -- now i'm 45, the rest of my teens, all of my 20s, 30s, and most
of my 40s, gone! My only child was born while i was inside and is now himself an
inmate and so we'll never be together."

"i live with my mother in my old neighborhood. i need a pardon in order to get
paid for wrongful imprisonment. After all they've taken from me, you'd think they'd
at least provide me with my basic needs, i'm embarrassed to depend on my
family as a 45 yr old man to have to eat."

"Every night I pray and pray for the prisoners I left behind, I feel so badly for them
living under such horrible conditions and promised many of them I would help
them when I got out. My one friend is getting out of prison this week, she has
been locked up for 8 years....she was 18 when she got locked up. I want to see
her, but part of me wants to leave that part of me behind....!!! i want to help but
how can i help, i barely have my feet on the ground as it is. But I promised I
would and she is counting on me for support."
"I went into a serious depression and was put on a medication that drove me into
a prison within myself. It took the program staff several months to realize I wasn’t
talking to anyone or eating, that I had lost about 30 pounds. I was ‘gone’ even
though I was performing my required duties. After all those years of taking care
of myself, to be so strong and resourceful and get myself paroled (By God’s
Grace) and then not know how to do anything for myself was really difficult."

THE REAL WORLD

A study of the attitudes of released prisoners in the United States revealed that
most expected to be labeled “ex-cons” and treated as failures and pariahs.
Getting paperwork together to apply for services such as a birth certificate,
social security card, driver's license, etc., are very difficult to obtain and yet are
very necessary to acquire quickly in order to become recognized as a person in
this system. Learning bus/subway systems or even walking routes may be
difficult because of the changes that have taken place in the landscape. A
steady diet of encouragement is necessary in order to try and help them find a
new 'normal' in their life and set and achieve goals. The feelings of alienation
may still be present, no matter how many people may feel that they are close to
the inmate.

"The dysfunctional consequences of institutionalization are not always

immediately obvious once the institutional structure and procedural imperatives
have been removed. This is especially true in cases where persons retain a
minimum of structure wherever they re-enter free society. Moreover, the most
negative consequences of institutionalization may first occur in the form of
internal chaos, disorganization, stress, and fear. Yet, institutionalization has
taught most people to cover their internal states, and not to openly or easily
reveal intimate feelings or reactions. So, the outward appearance of normality
and adjustment may mask a range of serious problems in adapting to the
freeworld. ... when severely institutionalized persons confront complicated
problems or conflicts, especially in the form of unexpected events that cannot be
planned for in advance, the myriad of challenges that the non-institutionalized
confront in their everyday lives outside the institution may become overwhelming.
The facade of normality begins to deteriorate, and persons may behave in
dysfunctional or even destructive ways because all of the external structure and
supports upon which they relied to keep themselves controlled, directed, and
balanced have been removed. ... Parents who return from periods of
incarceration still dependent on institutional structures and routines cannot be
expected to effectively organize the lives of their children or exercise the initiative
and autonomous decisionmaking that parenting requires. ... Those who remain
emotionally over-controlled and alienated from others will experience problems
being psychologically available and nurturant."--
http://aspe.hhs.gov/hsp/prison2home02/Haney.htm#II

"It felt like I was walking into another world again, I couldn't believe it. Because
I've been fighting so long, when (my release) eventually came I didn't know
whether to take it or run back inside."

"I was very frightened to walk across a street. I couldn't judge the time, distance,
and speed of on-coming traffic. I had a problem with my sensory depth
perception from bars being right in front of my face. I realized it was a problem
after wildly running in an almost panic across the street, only to see the on-
rushing traffic to remain still considerable distances down the street. I told myself,
'you've got a problem, so get over it - fast.' And that's exactly what I did. I worked
and worked on it."

"DO NOT walk up behind me without saying something or making noise of some
kind BEFORE you get near me..."

"It takes a long time to adjust to basic things, like knowing you can open the
bedroom door and go out. One man I know of couldn't leave his bedroom without
someone coming to get him. I'm a lot more claustrophobic now -- even the
shower curtain bothers me. Many of us suffer from sleep disorders, paranoia,
pervasive anxiety, depression, nightmares, night sweats and many symptoms of
post-traumatic stress disorder. "

""The first few days are the hardest, just getting your senses used to not being in
an institution can be overwhelming. The smells of urban life, the sounds, eyes
adjusting to home lighting. Feet hardly know how to walk on wood floors and
carpeting (vs. concrete). Being able to close a door and not be watched, the
softness of cushions and blankets and people, lights that can be turned on and
off when you want."

"Last I checked life doesn’t come with instructions. You just got to take it how it
comes sometimes. I wish I knew how to make it through a trip to the grocery
store without becoming overwhelmed and traumatized by the experience of too
many choices. Ice cream was a 30 minute decision making event for me. I have
not yet adjusted to thinking for myself completely."

"It is all a lot faster, people are different, more hostile and pushy than I
remember. "

"Once you get outside those gates, you lose those same independent, ambitious
thoughts you had, you feel lost and very dependent on other's guidance. I felt
thrust into solitude after the active, super-responsible life-style I had in prison. I
had a job, a routine, and had earned my respect. I sat in my room at the halfway
house, where there was a small TV. For 3 days, I never turned it on because I
didn't know how to, and I was too ashamed to ask anyone for help."

"I worry about violating parole every time I step outside, by resembling someone
or just by talking to the wrong person. Everytime i see the police go by, even
though i'm not breaking any law, makes my heart skip a beat because they love
to harass Blacks and Latinos, it's a game to them. I only did 5 years and I still
jump at the sound of keys or 2 way radio."

"I am in awe of all of you as I watch you scurrying around, maneuvering so

nonchalantly, effortlessly, while I stumble around like I'm deaf/blind, not knowing
which way to go, too prideful to ask many times. I watch people's conversations
but have little to offer outside of prison stories, so I have no conversational chit-
chat. I watch people hop on and off buses, read confusing street signs and
symbols, while i'm still getting lost in these huge stores or feel nervous sitting in a
waiting room where it seems that everyone is watching me. "

EMPLOYMENT/SURVIVAL

Statistically more than half of all inmates are re-arrested at some point, so setting
small goals and working towards accomplishing them soon after release is key to
getting on the good foot towards staying out. The basic requirements are just
what anyone would expect them to be: information on where to obtain temporary
shelter, food, clothing, health care/medicines, and the legal documents
necessary to apply for employment and services. Instead of prisons providing
some semblance of these basic requirements for inmates upon release, most are
instead sent home with less than $100, the clothes on their backs, and no
support system. They are programmed to fail so that this system can continue to
keep its well-oiled, prison money-making machine humming.

"There had been no help from inside to prepare me to be successful getting out.
At the core of being successful outside is how you can make decisions. I felt
inadequate, stupid, less than other people when I first got out, and that made it
harder to feel able to make any of the decisions. We think we have a plan and
think we have an idea of what it will be, hour by hour, minute by minute. We just
get a Plan A together, but we are not prepared with Plan B, C, or D for when Plan
A doesn’t work!"

"I wish I never had to talk about why I went to jail again. Everytime I have to tell
someone I've been to jail, I have to go through the entire story. I just want to put it
all behind me, but no one will let me. I just want to work."

"I am out of a job, so I need a job and services to help are limited. Because all
my adult life has been inside, I have no work history before 2009 and didn’t make
enough to pay into UE (unemployment) benefits and only paid less than a year.
Because of unemployment’s structure (like the rest of the gov) I only received
benefits for four months and have no more money. Also as grateful as I am for
friends who come thru in my time of need, I am growing soul weary of taking
hand outs at my age. I feel like I should be able to take care of myself and not
feel as dependant as I was when I was incarcerated."

"The biggest psychological effect that incarceration had on me when I came out
after twelve years was not being able to move about as freely as I imagined I
would. It isn't that I am not learning some of the things I need to, but that I am not
learning all the things I want to and it comes down to time. Often people who
come out come to realize that the help they thought they would easily find isn't
available and they must do things on their own and that takes time and often just
living day to day is hard enough. Now a person can either take their time,
manage their time and eventually get to it or get caught up again and be back on
the prison plantation. Basic things like how to use cell phones, developing
resumes, getting legal documents like ss cards, birth certificates and such are
difficult tasks and when people don't plan on how to do some of these things
before they come out it will be an even harder task when they are released."

"It is frustrating to lay awake and think 'Well if I go back to prison at least my life
will be assigned to me: job, clothes, bed, and food, will all be handed to me and I
don’t have to worry.' Don’t get me wrong I have no intention (for now) of
committing a crime, however I wonder what I will do if push comes to shove and
I’m truly out of cash and have no way to eat or support myself at all."

"Sent home with no money, job, or place to live. Red tape keeps me from
collecting anything from the state for my wrongful imprisonment. Even though
i've been exonerated, the record hasn't shown it and so the charges are still on
my record and I can't get a job!"

"We’re not seen as community members when we get out, and we face
discrimination in employment, housing, etc. People don’t necessarily see the
value of former prisoners, or understand that we have a right to be part of the
community and have something to contribute. We need to get that sense of self
and value as part of community."

"One of the things that happens is we don’t know the questions to ask because
we don’t know the answers we need."

GOD BLESS THE CHILD

Information is power. Boston's 'Coming Home' Directory is an excellent example

of the type of resource that ex-offenders need upon release from prison, listing
providers of emergency assistance, health care, housing help, legal assistance,
support groups, veterans and women's groups, plus much more, check it out at
http://www.cominghomedirectory.org/index.php. This directory is exactly the type
of information that needs to be in the hands of ex-offenders and their
families/supporters from day one. Residents of cities that don't provide a
directory along these same lines should get together and create one and make it
widely available. This would be a really excellent project for prison activists or
any group/church/club to take on. Ex-offenders need assistance applying for and
receiving services for some period of time following release, this is basic and
should not even be an issue anywhere in this country!

Former prisoners, their families and supporters must become involved in

organizing for serious changes in state and federal policies and within the prison
hellholes themselves. All can attest to the horrendous conditions and practices
that violate health codes and constitutional guarantees against cruel and unusual
punishment. With millions of lives being impacted in some way by the prison
system, there could be a massive prison movement happening right now if
people who know the deal would simply participate at whatever level they can,
there is strength in numbers! A great example of returnees and supporters
organizing is Returning Citizens United (returningcitizensunited@verizon.net) of
Washington, DC. who actively organize to break the cycle of homelessness,
addiction, and incarceration by coalitioning for affordable housing, jobs, and
addiction treatment services which can help address the root causes of these
issues. They also are fighting for alternatives to incarceration. They believe that
by continued recognition for those who have lost their way, they can work
together as a unit to help restore the lives of homeless, recovering, and returning
citizens (ex-offenders) by meeting their needs so that they can regain structure
and stability in society.

Helping to rebuild shattered lives is an onerous task that can be rife with
frustration and anguish, particularly when it comes to families and supporters.
Breaking old habits is more than just a notion for returnees sometimes, but they
also must not just be about themselves and recognize that their loved ones have
endured tremendous anxiety, depression and grief from missing them and
worrying over their day to day survival inside the prison. No matter the amount of
joy family and friends may have felt at any given time, that could instantly convert
to that sad, sinking feeling by just the thought of their dearly loved one locked up
in a prison far away from home. Many family members struggle with illnesses,
addictions, and other destructive behaviors as they, too, have done time right
along with the ex-prisoner as well as endured the gossiping whispers of a
community, church or workplace. Children are traumatized by the teasing of their
peers because they have a parent or sibling in prison and are devastated when
visits and phone calls end, many times having gone for years without even their
human touch. Many families also suffer financial ruin from lawyer fees, fines, the
obscene price gouging of prisoner phone calls, traveling hundreds of miles to
rural areas to visit, and putting money in prison commissary accounts. Some
parolees are even asked to pay a monthly fee for their parole before they have
even secured employment, so this also falls to the families to pay! These
families truly are the forgotten victims. Supporters must show compassion and
not be judgmental or harsh when issues arise as the family and ex-prisoner
struggle to readjust around a myriad of issues. Plans may have to change but
you best believe that there is always a new day and a new way to fight for a
positive outcome for all concerned.

"What I really wish I knew back then that I know now is that no matter how well
you plan your release it won’t be anything like you plan!! Even and especially the
happy family reunions we dream about won’t be so happy. They may be at first
but then the reality of time and distance starts to show. Our family’s have a lot of
unresolved emotions that may be hidden behind the 'I just want you home' face.
My kids told me a year before I got out on Mother’s Day that they couldn’t wait to
see me every day. When I got out they had moved from LA area to near San
Bernardino and will barely speak to me. I took it hard when my plans weren’t
going my way especially on the family part. I just want women to know that even
though it won't go as planned, don’t make the mistake I made and let it stop you
from taking advantage of what new opportunities arise from life planning itself.
This is not the structured world of prison. No one ever knows how a day can
begin and end. Just push on and enjoy having a day to begin and end. There
aren’t any limits out here and we stand equal to those around us so we don’t
have to bend to others will anymore. I think that was my downfall, I forgot that
someone else’s word isn’t law, that I have the power over my life and most of all
my freedom including freedom to question or challenge or change the course of
my life. My best advice: don’t plan beyond finding a place to stay. The first week
get your ID, SSI card, and GR or whatever income will sustain you until you get a
job. But let all the rest be and take it as it comes."

Keep on pushing forward, together we can make better days ahead!

Thanks to:
Bilal, Deirdre, Diana, Karima, Lee, Mary Ellen, Misty, Mustafa, Nikki, Robin,
Vonda and Yango

CA Coalition for Women Prisoners - http://www.womenprisoners.org/

Prisoners are People, Too - http://www.prp2.org/

The Intersectionality of Race, Gender, and Reentry Challenges for African-

American Women, [PDF] American Constitution Society for Law and Policy.
November, 2010. "African-American women offenders face collateral attacks on
their motherhood, on their ability to secure housing and employment, and on their
ability to reintegrate. Reentry programs must have a race and gender focus that
confronts intersectionality."
http://www.prisonpolicy.org/research/prison_programs_recidivism_reentry/)
http://innocenceprojectpa.wordpress.com/2011/01/20/exonerees-speak-about-
life-after-prison-2/

http://thejerichomovement.com - Jericho is a movement with the defined goal of

gaining recognition of the fact that political prisoners and prisoners of war exist
inside of the United States despite the US government’s continued denial ... and
winning amnesty and freedom for these political prisoners.

http://truthinjustice.org/finding-solace.htm

http://www.law.berkeley.edu/files/IHRLC/ReturningHomeDownloadable.pdf

http://www.scribd.com/doc/11210655/Life-After-Prison-Steps-to-Making-it-on-the-
Outside (Cons Helping Cons was not specifically excerpted in this piece but has
great suggestions for ex-prisoners, well worth checking out).