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AUGUST 11, 2006

8 Important Lessons Why Does

Everyone Hate
Kimmy Gibler So
Damn Much?
Learned from '80s AUGUST 11, 2006

Cartoons Celebrity Search

Quiz

AUGUST 10, 2006

By Ethan Ryan Send Print
The Deathbed
We'd like to point out that we're aware of the fact that some of the cartoons listed below did not Confessions of
Fidel Castro
originate in the '80s. However, they were on during the '80s, that's when we watched them, so
they're '80s cartoons to us. It's like when we refer to bedwetting as "late '90s behavior." Without
AUGUST 09, 2006
further adieu...
10 Movie-Based
Theme Park
Rides We’d Like
to See

Juice
CARTOON: The Smurfs
LESSON: Communism works!
For naysayers who point to the Former Soviet Union as proof that communism is inherently flawed,
may we merely direct your attention to Smurf Village, where everyone shares everything, wears
similar utilitarian clothing, battles Gargamel and his turn-Smurfs-to-gold get rich quick schemes and
obeys the dictates of a bearded, red hat-wearing, benevolent authority figure. Quoth Comrade Papa:
“From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs.” Really, he actually said that.
How it affected us as adults: Secret communist agendas ceased being dangerous, or really any
adjective of consequence, years ago. The worst thing communism does these days is make Ivy Kill Bill Vol. 1 (Uma
League students waste a couple of years wearing ugly clothes and attending boring meetings. Thurman)
However, the sexual politics of Smurf Village, with its one female for every 30 guys, did go a long
way towards preparing us for freshman year of college.

eHarmony

CARTOON: Popeye

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LESSON: Spinach is good for you.

Sure, it doesn’t taste as good as candy, ice cream or opium, but it’s full of essential vitamins and
minerals that’ll make your muscles explode like battleship cannons. If you want to triumph over the
bullying Blutos of the world and win the affections of your own lovely, leggy Olive Oyl, pound a can of
spinach at least once a day. Or put it in your corncob pipe and smoke it, like everybody’s favorite
ornery, mumbling sailorman. Toot toot!
How it affected us as adults: You only need to look at the steroid scandal rocking Major League Read more...
Baseball to see that Popeye raised a generation that is willing to use performance enhancers. Also, it How Not to Socialize
should be pointed out that Olive Oyl was the first anorexic sex symbol.
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CARTOON: G.I. Joe unfunny, offensive,
LESSON: Knowing is half the battle. AUG 04, 2006 detestable, horrid,
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The other half of the battle is kicking Cobra’s terrorist ass. And with the coolest soldier codenames Little Miss Sunshine
lovable, classy, sleazy,
ever --Snake Eyes, Duke, Lady Jaye, Shipwreck-- winning the war on terror should be no problem. The characters may be abhorrent, idiotic, and
Good will always win out over evil, because good guys work together (Team Work! Cooperation!), too quirky for their own really quite cute t-shirts
good, but it’s almost
while bad guys are ruthless cowards who turn tail and run whenever G.I. Joe’s laser guns get to impossible not to fall for
for those who never
zappin’. As Sergeant Slaughter once said: “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are Sunshine’s abnormal yet developed a healthy
ultimately wholesome sense of style or taste.
we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people and neither do we.”
charms.
Now that’s some good strategery. Make your parents
How it affected us as adults: Actually, we’re pretty certain that our strategy for the Iraq War was question your
conceived after a two day long G.I. Joe marathon in the Pentagon. They just implicitly trusted that the existence...wear a
good guys were going to win, that firing off our guns would make the bad guys run for the caves and GorkShirt.
that giving everyone cute nicknames was somehow endearing. When things didn’t turn out the way Read more...
they’d planned, the administration placed the blame on faulty intelligence, or in other words:
“Knowing is half the battle, and we unfortunately didn’t know shit.” AdultsGoneWild.com

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CARTOON: Scooby Doo

LESSON: Trust no one.
Those phantoms in the fog are actually malevolent hicks, dressed up as ghosts to scare you off their
spooky farm. That monster hiding in the attic is actually old man McGee, trying to find the treasure
buried in the floorboards. And that happy-go-lucky frat boy, Fred, is actually a bloodthirsty killer.
Don’t turn your back on him. Or the girls. Or your dog
…Or maybe we’ve just been spending too much time in the Mystery Machine, and got a little contact
high paranoia. Hey, it happens. You want a Scooby Snack? Yeah, it is dog food. So what? You’re
really harshing my mellow man. What are you, a narc? Check out
How it affected us as adults: We can’t be certain, but it would appear that our habit of, upon being OneHorseShy for
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Horror Flick?!
PLZ! WTF?!

CARTOON: He-Man
LESSON: It’s OK to be gay.
Look at this guy: golden locks cut in a tasteful bob, buff biceps, tanned, toned, hairless torso, a
magic sword and most importantly, fabulous powers. What’s more, He-Man invites his handsome
friends, the Masters of the Universe, to come hang out in his castle anytime. Of course Skeletor and Read More...
his fugly cohorts are never allowed access to the secrets of He-Man’s dark, dry palace.
Yes, we had He-Man toys, like Ram-Man, Trap-Jaw and even Castle Grayskull. We also had a
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favorite pair of tighty whiteys that had He-Man on one cheek and Skeletor on the other, battling over SFW Graphic
our asshole. But did merely owning and wearing that underwear make us gay? Tees
How it affected us as adults: As regards the above question, it’s a very complex matter, but in a
word: yes. (For more on depictions of homosexuality in '80s cartoons, please see Care Bears.)

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CARTOON: Jem
LESSON: Grrrls rock!
is to provide
OK, this was more our sister’s show, but we certainly watched it on more than one occasion, and quality tees with
learned that chicks with guitars and magic earrings kick ass. Jem is a sexy feminist living every no mean or
young girl’s dream: music executive by day and rock star by night. She has it all: a bubblegum pop
offensive humor.
band called The Holograms, a boyfriend in love with both her and her alter ego and, for some reason,
a foster home for orphans. In addition to teaching us how much grrrls rock, Jem also taught us that New fave of
love triangles between only two people are often messy, confusing and potentially hilarious. celebrities,
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CARTOON: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

LESSON: April O’Neil is really hot.
She’s got red hair, wears a sexy yellow jumpsuit and gets down with anthropomorphic pizza-fiends.

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Most girls want nothing to do with dudes that live in the sewers, but not April O’Neil. She doesn’t
even mind hanging with that old man-rat wearing a pink kimono! This girl is a freak, for real. I’ve got Your customers
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CARTOON: Transformers
LESSON: If we’re not careful, robots will kill us all.
This is a humbling lesson for any child to learn, but an easy one to accept, considering Transformers
was one of the coolest cartoons of the '80s. Would the Unabomber have renounced his violent ways
if he were to witness the sheer stunning spectacle that is Grimlock? Hard to say, since he didn’t
have a TV. But we will tell you one thing: when machines replace humans at the top of the food
chain, we’ll be standing on the sidelines, waving our Autobot flag with fervent pride. Because, let’s
face it, getting eaten by an alien car would suck.
How it affected us as adults: The reason we stay away from Priuses and make our TV wear a
blindfold when we sleep at night.

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