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PRODUCT OF SWEDEN. 4OAND 50% ALC/VOL 80 AND lOO PROOFI. 100% GRAIN EU1RAL SPIRITS. © 1990 CARILLON IMPORTERS, LTD., TEANECK, NJ.
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2446033
GRATE::EcTAÌ10Ns .
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Cameron Mackintosh learns that life imitates Mm Sa:goii, and First Boston de-
mands cash up front from a famous deadbeat. Jay Mclnerney continues to age gracelessly, while we
help his buddy Bret Easton Ellis shop around his pornography. Rockin into the nineties with George
Bailey. Plus: introducing our Connie-Maury conception watch! .
Q O
'
F- -I- ti .
,
i MACKENZIE visits the Coast with sonic nerdy TV critics; and ScoTi YArIs relates the Kafka-
esque tale ofan elderly New Yorker charged with a spurious Crime. . Q . .
o
.o
F:;
MERIT
Ultra Lights
iii ICh
u
Pt ISIT'iiL K
ii
phone calls to Amman,Jerusalem, Cairo, Slivun khrogs
Vienna and London, the better ro re- PtPL1s11!N(; IMRFC1OK
Giorgi Kologs,okis
ÌL
6TT GROENING is the cre- '\l '.k II
ator of Fox lëlevision's The Jons Collins Joanne Grubor
r l.\ 'P ll)I)'
our front cover and the cover ofour spe- Morion Rossn&sld
lK1)I)(( I K). 1111111K
dal sri' JR. supplement, not to mention Corti, Surdon IN Erwin Gorostiso Mortin Kihn
several million unlicensed products for ''I-lQl lEi I1I11 IIPR IUtl K
sale along Last l4d Street and lower Sixth Woridi Williams
RESF.,RI II .SSIS1/I.. I
Avenue. Groening's cartoon Life in Hell E. L Vond.po.r
continues to appear weekly in The Village (WI lDhTl)K
Wolt.r Monhelt
"I am not now, nor will I HI 'I K K TI' Il tARlI
-., ; ever be, working on a Doboroh Michel (Los Angol.,) Andric Ridi, (Washington)
( I 'Kil Plr-.I)I '.1'
.; -
book,' says contributing Aims. Sell David Bourgeois Sign. Corrieri Michoil Fish Josh Gilliet. Frank Koughon
Ann. Morii Martin Loon. PO,k., Joel Potischmon
editor JOE QUEENAPI. A I_ I
.
Ann. Kroom.r
1lAKl1l\ I' sF 10K
Adam Dolgins
N.M1K1 Ili'.(. MIM..M.MK
? Unlike Queenan, RICHARD
Elaine Alimonti L. P Grant Hilary Van Kisock
STENGEL is only too happy George Mackin Los Angel.,, 213.850-8339)
Carlos Lomodrid (Son Francisco. 415-362.8339)
to plug a book in this IY.FM. \(. i
. M Ill "I \ :A-1 :vi -
G.olfrey Ress
space: the paperback cdi- I'.l PlAt 4AiAt.ÌK
tion ofJannary Sn,:, his as- Randall Stanton
(JIll I l.%TlI)\
J
lA\ ..( .ME
Stivino
(.0M.TROLLFR
-.' tringent chronicle of one Gino Ducloyan Candas. Siroboch
IMIPICE )tA.M.IR Ml MA..IM11R
day in the life of a South African town, Sornantho Finned
()t.%TlM«.
Potty Nas.y
will be published this month by Touch- ADvrKtll\ . PKIll) (1t()' I 0t)KI)Ii.AmR MPM(:IAL IV1N I' I (X)RDINAitl1
R.n. Kinsello Michael Lipscornb Sueon Mainzer Mollo-Lilas Möliinsn Jeffrey Estilo
stone. A charter member ofspy's contrib- PI 5111.1111«- ASMISIAS1S B00KMiFPui
Colin Brown Otrietophe, Carroll
uting-editor corps, Stengel bas reflected OFFICE A)MlS1Tc
in these pages on celebrity chameleons, D.signerTypi
boring Canadians, freeloading Britons
)
and, in this issue, Eastern Europe. )
J&B Scotch Whisky. Blended and bottled in Scotland by Justerini & Brooks. fine wine and spirit merchants since 1749.
j&B I«ded SochW1ç 43% Ak. bt . oo* bYD* ,dôqicv Copo Fc tJ IÇ
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Laura Belle
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120 WEST 43RD STREET (212) 819-1000
JANUARY, FEBRUARY,
WHAT'S TI-LE DIFFER-
ENCE BOTH ARE
loaded with celebrations
v,c uifld it lLrd fl()t tO feel
L!1ìhiVLlCI1t about. ¡s it dli
øt_ July and Election Day combined? Not since around tue
- '- sixth grade has anyone actually looked forward to Valen-
.
uttI/t4I-
iter a (Y good
i IVH the jurors c1uitted (.9 the
gLIIILW, t.
r' PIF' "I 1)asically took [the testimony) as cornedy' one said
titerward.'As we have started taking nearly all Amen-
t .Lfl politics, which has become a laifle Paddy Chayefskyish
- September os "de-
The July Vanity Fair had Anjelica Hus- forthright, conceited (to use a good, old- ' -
ton on the cover. She stars in The Grifterj. fashioned word) and neglectful. He was a pendably Conadi-
I How depend.
Same issue, James Wolcott profiled au- poor choice to manage books, much less
authors' livelihoods. How ironic that he ably Canadian of
thor Jim Thompson. He wrote the novel
him. Will claims he
The Gr:jters. And the Fanfair section had called André Schiffrin incompetent and
M A I R O U M was "humiliated to
a pointless profile ofJohn Cusack. He arrogant. Schiffrin may have ignored the
near-suicide" by our "scathing re-
costars in. . . take a guess. . .The Grifi ers. bottom line and continued publishing
books he wanted to do (yes, you can call
sponse" to what he admits was o
Carm Anthony Alci/o
that arrogant), but he was concerned "cloddish inquiry." And he wonders
Greenville, South Carolina
whether Canadians are to become for
Sorry, no CA/I da1 here. Neither Hutton nor about his authors and their work.
SPY "what the Polish were for Rowan &
Cusack is with CAA, and Thompson, by Nancy Lt4frmann
Martin's Laugh-In." Maybe, but not
virtue ofbeing dead, stands to benefit ezn less San Anselmo, California
until after our Canadian coeditor re-
f rom any Brown-Ovltz understanding. We
solves certain outstanding issues with
ad?nireyour spirit, though. I the Immigration and Naturalization
DEAR EDITORS I applaud James Col- Service.
I lins's poetic bitchi-
Will's letter is the only one in this
DEAR EDITORS s an exVanity Fair ness ["What Passes for Friendship
month's pile from a Canadian reader
subscriber, I've no- Today," September) with one hand but
who is not named Clark. (Clarkwhat
ticed that your own magazine features raise a question with the other: haven't
a dependably Canadian name.) Karen
have begun to mimic those of VF. Surely these truths of friendship been self-evi-
L. Clark of Toronto takes issue with
the introduction of a vapid Contributors dent for centuries? The history of friend-
David W. Ritchie's letter last May de-
section represents a conscious effort to ship is the history of intrigue (political, scribing Canadian cities as "clean and
mock the equally silly feature in VF. The religious, sexual or otherwise): (1) Judas
and Jesus Christ; (2) Brutus and Julius relatively safe." Clark says, "Stay
continued presence of Party Poop and
other picture layouts of celebrities in Caesar (the Platonic ideal of back-stab- away," citing increasing crime rates
and the cold weather. (Even Toronto
issue after issue, however, suggests a hid- bing self-aggrandizement); (3) Henry and Vancouver, she says, are "hyperac-
den admiration of VF. VIII and Cardinal Wolsey (no divorce, no
tive without being interesting.") And
I suspect that all of the Tina Brown Hampton Court palace, cloth ears!).
Joe Clark, also of Toronto, has caught
bashing in your magazine has been a As far as friendship goes, there were no
us referring to the occasionally amus-
sham. Perhaps SY and VF are published
: -i X
kinder and gentler times, no golden age:
'V
ing TV series Doctor, Doctor in one
issue as "not unfunny" and in another
as "witless." Clarkthis Clarkmust
by the same corporation. it's always been your status swap meet.
be seriously devoted to either SPY or
Katharine M. Congdon Now we just have more magazines to
Doctor, Doctor to have noticed that.
Bad Kreuznach, Germany cover the proceedings.
We're not sure which explanation
lt's always a pleasure to hear from our Bad Robert N. Strickland
would make us happier.
Kreuznach readers. Now: (1) Party Poop be- New York
"I enjoy your magazine as much as I
gan (and continues) as a parody oft/ic sort of We did refer to Peter betraying Christ, and
can, " writes William King of Hayward,
photofeature Vanity Fair runs. (2) We don't as for your other examples, well, for obvious California. Who could ask for more?
have solid evidence to support this, but we be- reasons, we avoided any historicalfigures who
And here's another rabid fan:
lieve magazines other than Vanity Fair and were - or might just as well have been -
"I have just subscribed to your mag-
SPY run Contributors sections. (3) Published played by Richard Burton. Didn't you notice
ozine because I was getting bored with
by the same corporation as VF? As readers also the absence of Henry Il and Thomas à
Becket, andKing ArthurandSir Launcelot?
Vanity Fair's stupid puns," writes
Drew Atkins andJohn Carron pointed out in
Christine Stapp of San Marino, Califor-
March 1 990, we are apparently published by This is the sound ofone hand clapping?
nia. That's okay - magazines take
thepeople who bring you Esquire. them any way they can get them, and if
there are better reasons to subscribe
DEAR EDITORS f public-opinion polls to SPY than a vague disenchantment
DEAR EDITORS savored each detail of are correct, I believe
with puns elsewhere, we're not aware
Tod Stiles's sketch of that 85 percent of all Canadians (myself
of them. So welcome. Your check
Erroll McDonald's ass-kissing ways included) would thank you for placing
: t:, ! :H
DUAR EI)(R)Rc oLir list of big, scary
:
organizations in "Ro- ' dw * r
. -
dsserie 1.eague Life" got me thinking TI
Stronghold in South
(arulina
assonant)
Stronghold in south-
cru (:a1i1rnia
: -
_1
i -
4Y
football, the Sunbelt and Wall
ed: Well, that's mostly true. 4.j Street, T-shirts, T-bones,
When the anci-spousal-rape bill was
11
: "
exploding phones, rodeos.. Small Fortune$
hooted off the floor as if the House of Welcome to the world of Jim
'
Representatives was full of knuckle- Teal and Pete BinionseIf-made men
who have nothing in common but a
walking good ol' boys scratching their
commitment to making piles of money,
privates (which it soon proved itself to
one way or another.
be), for many native Louisianans it was
the first sign of how seriously wrong- SmailFortunes is the sad, true, uproarious
headed their legislature was. But if it story of Jim and Pete's quests for success
hadn't been for this unintentional early and a wild tour through the heartland
and swamps of American culture. Money
warning, the prochoice and proFirst has never been so funny.
Amendment groups would have been
caught off their guard later on. "Vastly entertaining."
For the record, yes, the abortion and Kirkus Reviews
record-labeling bills were passed, but (1kT
they were vetoed by the governor, Buddy v1KIO
Roemer. The flag-burning bill never was
nn ('S At bookstores now
passed as such (and probably never would
havegot offche House floor in any event).
After the first abortion bill (which did
not include a measure for rape and incest) .
was defeated, che flag-burning bill was
'sacrificed" and rewritten to include %
abortion. Since the basic language of the
flag bill centered on turning a felony (as-
sault) into a misdemeanor (punch a flag
burner, pay $25), auempts to rewrite it , o)cHl k,
so that abortionists would be forced to
pay a $100,000 fine and serve ten years at
hard tabor were, to say the least, consti- ç
OUVERT MIDI-MINUIT
DEAR EDITORS think No. 44 should PRE-THEATER-AFTER THEATER
have been called
"Tone-deaf Defenses of Rap. " You adopt- I 411 PARK AVENUE SOUTH (AT 29TH ST.)
ed the usual line, comparing criticisms of NEW YORK CITY (212) 679-4111
rap to earlier criticisms of rock 'n roll.
Didn't you ever hear the saying "An anal-
ogy is no proof"? Do you mean you can
eUi 41 nae
FEBRUARY 1991 SPY 15
NOYOu Can Play SPY'S
Back in September we introduced ar
amusing game called Rotisserie Leagu
H O 'F I S S E H I [® Life. Now comes a faster version thai
(1) uses modern telecommunication5
technologyas a force for good; (2) might make you
modestly more wealthy; and (3) is more fun than just
LEADUE LIFE about anything else you can do with a telephone, not
excluding speaking to a person ostensibly named Bambi.
Yes, its Rotisserie League Li/e I 99 1 The Phone Version.
uy This game, modeled on Rotisserie League Baseball, tests
not sports acumen but your knowledge of current events.
Phonel u It challenges you to assemble a roster of people, objects
and concepts that will make news more often than other
people's rosters. (One point is awarded for each mention
the entry receives in USA Today.)
Starting January 1, 1991, you can, from the comfort of
your home or office, measure your powers of prog-
nostication and vie with other know-it-ails from
every week
FUI1!iI1I across the country for actual casi) prizes. And best of all,
now you need not alienate your friends by revealing them
to be shortsighted rubes. Or, for that matter, by revealing
Y your own lack of astuteness to them. For that matter, you
p Y/he, yoi do, j'o:i u i// hear a ueII-niodiilated voice ins;uic1ing don't even need friends. You just need a push-button
you how to. . .
phone and a keen eye for trends.
'n PICK 'EM: On s'our first call, you select your tcarn. (Keep
To
!wr and a pen on hand to icord and score your players.) i ASSEMBLE YOUR TEAM, PICK ONE ENTRY FROM EACH CATEGORY
BELOW, THEN CALL 1-900-884-4-SPY.
You pick one player for each o nine positions from 707 win on
GHEDY Tcoos 302 Freddy Knieer 51)7 New York (iry
among those listed at right. Enter once, and you will be 101 Lt-ona Heimsicy 303 Mickey Mouse 508 New York Arnr:as
e i g i bic to w i n week after week after aeck. 102 CarI k}in 304 Dan Quayk Yankees Fun':est Htm,c
.l SCORE 'EM: With the touch oía button on your 1)t1SI 103 Chark Ii respectability
30 Bart Simpson
509 nuikar family
510 Warsaw Pau 708 win the lottery
KcaunJr 709 write a
button phone, you vi11 hear your own personal weekly I()4 henry Kravic leenage
Mutant Nina PANAdA screenplay
score, and the average score of all those who arc playing, 105 Mk Milken
Turtles Gol Barbara Bush
106 Rupert
and the winnii score. Stats ui/i he llpdated /ai/y. Need Murdoch
307 DILk Tracy 602 condoms DIAD CILIUIrY
308 Uncle Buck 603 increased 801 James Dean
inside dope on 'hose star is rising and whose is plum- 107 Ron Perelman 3()9 Nants Weson 802 Buddy I-folly
. productivity
meting? Just listen to SPYs This Week in Life, where Ion Liurenec Tisch
IO') Donald Trump
( Just Say No 803 JFK
the previous week's action and report on» Sc*m Oawuz*TIoH 605 limiting terms in 804 John Lennon
we'll wrap Ill) I 10 Mort 401 Hbollah ollice 805 Marilyn
news-makers worth watching in coming days. Zuckuman 402 IRA 606 liquid diets Monroe
z TRADE 'EM: 403 IRS (,07 Prozac 806Jim Morrison
On subsejuent calls, you can swap your SCANDAL-TAINTID 4()4 Ku Klux Klan ó()8 recycling 807 Elvis Presley
: poor performers for hot-streaking talent. And each week PoLinclAw 405 Matia 61)9 insigls schools 808 Andy Warhol
;
i: N Y lASA
acmally listen to that doggerel and say, around Manhattan's quirky bed-and- over the reader to his arguments against
"It's just another art form, as valid as oth- breakfasts ["Don't Let the Bedbugs creeping cultural infantilism when he
ers that preceded it"? Idiotic lyrics, pa- Bite!," October). Ud love to be the first slams Sinéad O'Connor for calling her
rhetic rhymed couplets chanted over a guest at the B&B. But tell me up
sPi' album I Do Noi Want What i Haven't
repetitive beat - rap is cretinous. front, are my sneakers going to give off Got 'an honorable sentiment from any-
Not every form of music that people too much negative energy? one who has just gone multiplatinum"?
present to us has equal merit. People lis- And four stars of satirical insight to We are invited to scorn O'Connor as a
ten to Loretta Lynn - does that mean I Paul Rudnick for exposing Fa#x Naïfs for hypocrite for not knowing before she
have to abandon criticism? Even para- who and what they are ["Presumed Inno- recorded and titled the album that it
noids have enemies, and even music chat cence"). would take her from cult obscurity to in-
is criticized sometimes sucks. Stephen Ghiglioity ternational -celebri ty and mill ionai re sta-
LaI) Eìibank Teqitesta. Florida tus. Once an author displays a degree of
J Jjerso/i'i//e. 1n/iana
disingenuousness this extreme, a certain
Yo. Lar;y! distance is created between him and the
Rap - we jJJ f endorsi,ì
.
i
:::3 I_is
Manufactured by CBS Records for Razor and Tie Music 50 TIsrd Ave. NY NY 10003
Siiiile igain ! %ULi ra n litr i Itright . at t rail i vr -in i Ir i tul t lie In November's column "Judges' Ed.,"
we inadvertently inflated the city of
(()Iifi(Ietire tiUlt sit1i it.
Warsaw, New York, into a county.
Marc Iowenherg. D.D.S. . P.C.
Gregg LitucIìy I),I).S. ATTENTION FANS OF
230 Central Park South N.Y. . \Y 19019 ROTISSERIE LEAGUE LIFE
212 586-2890 See page 16 for information about an
enormously fun and only moderately
expensive way to play this exciting SPY
game by phone.
rt
y now we had expected American Psycho, Vantage Press declined - that is, even ¡j' Ellis.
?NI FINI PRINT CONTIHUID Bret Easton Ellis's new novel depicting extrava- bee,: willing to pay several thousand dollars to pnb
who was found guilty of gant disemboweling and sadistic sexual violence, his novel, Vantage had no interest in taking his mo,
fatally injecting elderly to be proudly wearing Simon & Schuster's Adding insult to injury, Vantage enclose
patients with Pavulon: 50 brochure that assures writers that while the co
years to life
colophon on its spine [see Books, December).
Angel Diaz, who with sever-
But at the last minute, Simon & Schuster chair- pany is willing to publish controversial maten
al accomplices murdered an man Richard Snyder announced that "it has been "controversy is not the same as. . .crackponism.
Israeli man in the Bronx, decided not to go forward with the publishing Such material we emphatically reject." Our ho
then traveled by subway to
Brooklyn to rob and rape the
[of American Psycho)," calling the decision a dimmed, we opened the letter from Carlton Pn
man's wife and teenage "matter of taste. " Confident as we were that the dispiritedly. Pay dirt! "Our initial reaction is qui
daughter: 38½ years to life book Ellis describes as a "critique of eighties favorable and we think it merits publication
Joe" Fama, the trigerman morals and mores" would cuickly be snatched wrote Carlton, clearly a visionary publishing hou
in the murder of Yusuf
l-lawkins in Bensonhurst:
up by another publisher, we felt terrible about staffed by inspired, risk-taking mavericks. 'T
32 years to life the reading public's having to wait even a few you have more material of this caliber so that
Woody Limons, former months for the insights of the spokesman for his can consider publishing a book-length volume
chairman ofa thrift in Texas
generationS Unfortunately for Carlton, Vintage Books, a
whose collapse cost taxpayers To right this wrong, we decided to lend Ellis imprint of Random House and no relation to Vas
$1.3 billion: 30 years
Donald Lowry, of Betten- a hand in placing his work. We sent a compara- tage, snapped UI) the novel, and won't charge Elli
dorf, Iowa, leader of the tively mild seven-page chunk of Ellis's man- a cent. Josh Gil/en
Church ofLove, through uscripta passage in which the protagonist tor- A
which he bilked 31 ,000 men
out of$4.5 million with tales tures a sex partner and then cuts her in half with
o(Chonda-Za, a paradise a chain sawto a number of magazine editors, SEPARATED AT BIRTH?
inhabited by nude love proposing that they publish the section as a
angels: 27 years short story. To make sure the material would be
Gregory Smith, a New Jer-
sey man with AIDS convict- judged objectively, we removed Ellis's name
from the submission. And to stack the deck a
ed ofattempting to murder a
prison guard by biting him:
25 years
Ronald Longo, a diner
little, we bypassed manifestly straitlaced publi-
cations and turned right to those periodicals
jfrN
employee from upstate New where graphic writing about physical relations is
York who killed a man for routine. Here are the replies:
complaining about his
cheeseburger toppings: 20 Screw: "[Your piece) is not suitable for our mag-
years to life azine." Adnan Khashoggi.. and Cosmo Spacely
Mork Putnam, an FBI agent Swank: "Your style and/or subject matter is not of The Jetsons
who strangled an informer
who was pregnant with his appropriate for publication in Swank."
child: 16 years Gent: "Sorry we cannot use this material, but we
Lorry Mahoney, the drunken appreciate your thinking of us,"
driver from Kentucky whose
pickup collided with a school
Turn-On Letters: "Too long."
bus, killing 27 church-group Options, the [Canadian) 61-Monthly: "Your story
members: 16 years isn't hot. . jis) too short. . .has too much hetero-
Sandro Amos, the Mrs. Fil- sexual content [and) violates a Canadian taboo."
berts margarine heiress, who
was convicted of trafficking
Cavalier: "Sorry, this story is too short for us, for
in cocaine: 14 years and a beginners. . . . It's also coo violent for our reader-
Valerie Bertinelli, .. and Roseanne Barr?
$20,00() fine ship. . . .This isn't really eroticism - it's horror
Gregory Scroggins, a Geor- fiction with brutal sexuality. I'm not sure there's
gia man with AIDS convict-
ed ofattempted murder after a market for itnot in the men's magazines
biting a police officer: 10 (too brutal) nor in the horror mags (too sexual).
years But, you write well!"
William Lozano, che Miami
police officer whose killing of That last compliment made us wonder if we
two unarmed blacks set off hadn't set our sights a bit too high. Therefore, we
riots in Liberty City in 1988:
7 years
pseudonymously submitted the excerpt to Van-
Antron McCray, Raymond tage Press and Carlton Press, two so-called vanity Warren Beotty. . . and Steven Tyler
Santana Jkl Yuscf Soloom. publishers. The first reply was discouraging: of Aerosmith?
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'' K ARPOY Socxs! K ARPOY Sucks!''
Sights, the Sounds. the Action al a World Championship C&î.r Match
Tul PINI PeINT COMYIMUID . Ost of the fun ofgoing to see the Mets at Shea Stadium or the Rangers at the Garden is beine
convicted of raping the Cen-
part oía big, boisterous crowd, shouting obscenities at the officials and hoisting a jumbo beer or two,
tral Park jogger: 6 to 20 Add to that the thrill of a pitching duel or the furious skatesmanship of pro hockey, and you have a
years pretty exciting way to spend an evening. The atmosphere was a little different at the Hotel Macklowe
Arch Moors Jr., former goy-
during the world-championship chess matches between Gary Kasparov and Anatoly Karpov. Our report:
ernor of West Virginia, con-
victed ofgratì: 5 years and a
$170,000 fine 5:25 p.m,: The crowd: just like a high school really the main chess photographer in the U.S.)
Milo Holair, a Broadway chess club nerdy, bespectacled, ill-dressed but makes bold chess predictions ("There will be no
producer who claimed she also fat and bald. swords sheathed early, I can tell you that").
was the wile of David Rocke-
letter and defrauded investors 5:30 p.m.: Combatants enter. They sit. Huge, red, 7:14 p.m.: Move 13. Kasparov: Bd7.
of$4 million: 4 to 8 years backlit cardboard chess pieces give stage the feel 7:33 p.m.: An usher explains, Kasparov has a
I.iona HsImsI.y, convicted ofa bad Broadway musical about chess. townhouse he usually stays in. But last Friday
oftax evasion: 4 years in 5:41 p.m.: Lengthy pause precedes Move 8. night, after he lost, he came back to the hotel ray-
prison. 3 years on probation,
750 hours oícommunicy ser- 5:49 p.m.: Still Move 8. Headsets have been pro- ing and singing in the lobby. I guess he couldn't
viceand a $7.152 million vided for commentary by two chess experts. Corn- find the townhouse."
fine ment: "Well, let's see. ...Kasparov's thinking." 8:17 p.m.: Move 17. Kasparov: Nb7.
Mor4Iyi L Harrsil, 'Robin
6:00 p.m.: Audience of200 stares silently. 8:39 p.m.: Pause.
HUD," convicted ofthefc of
approximately $6 million in 6:04 p.m.: Concession stand offers chess-themed 9:15 p.m.: Another usher, Michelle, a marketing
the HUD scandal: 46 beverages (white Russians) and chess-themed major at Fordham, considers game a probable draw.
months, plus $600,()00 in sandwiches (the "Bishop": turkey, prosciutto, sun- 10:17 p,m.: Karpov blundersBd2.
restitution
Fran Trutt, an animal-rights dried tomatoes, arugula). i 0:22 p.m.: Draw. Michelle prescient. Crowd dis-
advocate who planted a
bomb near the car oían exec-
6:17 p.m.: Press room. Amiable Englishman
Nigel Eddis ("I'm one of che main chess photog - perses quietlyno brawling. Plenty of taxis.
- Michael Krantz
utive whose company experi- V, 'V' 'V' 'V' 'V' 'V' 'V' 'V' 'V' 'V 'W V' V' 'V' 'V' V' 'V 'V' 'V' 'V 'V' 'V' V' 'V 'V' 'V' 'V'V'V' 'V V' 'V' 'V' 'V' 'V' V' V' ''V' W"V 'V 'V' 'V
ments on dogs: 32 months
Lionard Spodik, the "Drac-
ula landlord," who refused to
repair his buildings: 2 years
W lID AT HEART
and an $1 1,000 fine -
A Scoreíard
Marsho Cohsn, a dentist '. ,)
r
First feature film, '1're Siorici, a
wile and broke into his home
tor the sixth time: I year satiric look at small-town life in darkly satiric look at small-town
Violo Douglas, who stabbed Washington, close to the Canadian life in Texas, close to the Mexican
her fiancé in the neck with a ' -
-.
border border
barbecue fork after he
peremptorily switched chan- Crossover project Wrote lyrics for album (Joke Wrote music br ballet (Twyla
nels to watch the Super Cruise) Tharp's Catherine Wheel)
Bowl: 10 months tit narnedescribes grisly lrrn Yes Yes;
Morion Barry, convicted of
misdemeanor cocaine posses-
sion: 6 months Oddly named collaborator Angelo Badalament i Iriai: 1:11<)
John Poindsxtsr, the former Big black suits, shirt buttoned up Big white suits, shirt buttoned up
Ys
.--- ,
national security adviser, Material has been performed at Yes
convicted oflying to Congress BAM
about the Iran-contas affair: 6 -
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1LJ
DATEBOOK
Enchanting and
A Iarming Eveiis life was like before a long life: frozen hot A train isn't the
IKEA. chocolate at seamless ride it used co
f141 PUlII PRINT CONTINUID Upcoming
Serendipity, cabaret be. But ifyou close
signer-for-hire, convicted of
filing faIs cax rt.turns: 5
Jana Febriary shows at Rainbow & your eyes and give
months and a $50,000 fine 4 The New York i Sports illustrated's Stars and chicken-fried these records a listen,
Robert Freemori. former National Boat Show annual swimsuit issue steaks at Yellow Rose you'll be cruisin'
hcad ot arbicragc at Goldman begins its ten-day run hits the newsstands. Cafe. UPtWfl on the express,
Sachs, convicted of insider
at thejavits Center. Librarians at parochial 15 Fiftieth anniversary livin' the lush life with
trading: i year, all but 4
months suspended, and a S I - Tomorrow's Wall Street schools draft letters to of Duke Ellington's your satin doll. Amen,
million fine J ournal has a front-page the editor containing first recording of 'Take and stay cool."
Peter Bront, hoicy-coicy feature headlined "For the words indecent, the A Train." Alas, 18 Washington's
publisher (Jntervieu'), convict-
ed oltax evasion: I year, all
Penobscot Bay scantily clad and budget constraints now birthday (observed).
but 90 days suspended Lobsterman, Corporate impressionable; Mari n 22 Washington's
Mortin Siegel, convicted of Backing Is the Lure," County feminist birthday (actual).
selling inside information to groups call for the 24 Abe Vigoda's
Ivan Boesky: 2 months
accompanied by a
Kelsey Grommer, Cheer, s stipple drawing oía publishers' castration. birthday (actual
Dr. Crine, who violated the bearded rustic in an 2 "Age in a virtuous and observed).
terms oía probation sentence Evinrude cap. person. . .carries in it an 26 The final day
resulting from a DWI viola- 11 "A Gershwin authority which makes of "Managing
tion: 30 days in jail and IO
Celebration with it preferable to all the dictate that the theSell," a
picking up trash
The Reverend Ai Shorpton, Bobby Short"; Carnegie pleasures of youth," uptown-express A businessmen's retreat
convicted oídisordlrly con- Hall. Coming soon: "A said Sir Richard Steele make local StOPS sponsored by The
duct during a Day of Rage: Connick Celebration ofJolly Olde England. during late-night Economist ; North
I 5 days
Y,esnond Bureou, Brook- with Michael And speaking of age, hours, creating an Horsham, England.
lyns "Lady Goetz: '1 week- Feinstein.' Liz Smith turns an invaluable metaphor Reticent British
ends in jail 18 "American Kasten: incredible 68 today! executives attempt
opportunity for anyone
Joseph Hazeiwood, captain
of the Exxon Vii/da, convict-
The Dutch-Style Who knows how she writing liner notes to U.S.-style stress-
cd ofonc minor charge in the Cupboards of New manages to stay SO full some future boxed-set management
disaster: $50,000 in restitu- York and New Jersey of "vim and vigor," but EUington anthology: techniques but learn
tion and I 000 hours clean- 1650-1800"; hot young numbers "The Duke is gone only that elastic-
ing up like Madonna, Delta now, and with him the
Vønsso Vadim, the 2 1 -year- Metropolitan Museum. trimmed socks are
old daughter ofJanc Fonda, Nicely turned out 38- Burke and Kathleen Manhattan he made better for blood
arrested with her boyfriend, year-olds take their Turner should 'take swing: the Savoy's been circulation than leg
who was allegedly buying children to see what note" of her secrets for stomped, and even the
heroin: 3 days' community
garters.)
service
Autsdray Bruce, Atlanta FaI-
cons linebacker, who failed to
perform the community-ser- spy I.isî
vice sentence leveled after a
disorderly-conduct convie- Johnny Carson
don: 3 Saturdays' picking up John Dean
trash on county highways
David and Ginger Twitchell.
Clark Gable
(hrisiaiìScIcflIItS who were Jimi Hendrix
convicted of manslaughter Ron Howard
after refusing treatment for
Mick Jagger
their two-year-old son, who
Don Johnson
died: IO years' probation
Eugene Fodor, violinist, many other Gentiles
who pleaded guilty to break- Johnny Mathis
ing into a motel (heroin and
Malcolm McDowell
cocaine charges were
dropped): 3 years' probation
Rudolf Nureyev
Matthew BornweII, crack Elvis Presley
addict and Bronx school Burt Reynolds
principal: 3 years' probation Prince William
and community service
Rhdid S.cord, Iran-contra 'ÛH,YEAH? WHAT HAMMEJG NO6?
26 SPY FEBRUARY 1991
''OKAY, Now, WHAT'S TUE SIGN FOR DEBT?''
Oar Special Donald Trump Sign-1angiiage ? rani/aith,i Giude
ver the years, srY's critics have called us harsh, acerbic needs of the hearing-impaircd. Our aim is to offer our readers
and somewhat unforgiving. But these are the nineties; we have instruction in a few of the basic words of sign language, in the
listened to these criticisms, and we have realized that we need hope of strengthening the bonds of communication among all
to turn over a new leaf. Today, we FOCUS OUf attention on the people. Here, then, are some basic words:
-.
-
Now that you
tos below.
magician milk want worthless
o
V
o To William Norwich: [My] cleorator is a magician!
o
z
G
s
4
J
'I
C
O
-a
O
G
I,
O
E
I
TNt VINI PlUM? COKTINUI cture a police officer. There's the badge, although it will be belied by a small segment of
plotter convicted oflying to the peaked cap, the nightstick, the handcuffs, the us who may be overweight - (we at) the Transit
Congnss: 2 years probation smile, the stare that accompanies the alfectiess Police are very health-conscious."
"Show's over. " And the distended stomach, Other, more surprised experts greeted the mere
AND OF COURSE, MR.
MAYOR, NOTHING WILL
swollen from consuming doughnuts on the job. mention of doughnuts with something akin to
ENHANCE YOUR IMAGE So convinced were we of the truth of this the nostalgic reverie that a madeleine set off in
MORE THAN COZYING UP doughnut-loving-cop image that we decided to Proust. Gerald Arenberg, executive director of the
TO THE REAL ESTATE
hold a competition to discover the precinct that National Association of Chiefs of Police in
BOARD OF NEW YORK
is, unofficially, the Doughnut-Eatin'est in New Miami, was astonished by our findings. "I would
Every mayoral administra-
Lion seems to generate its York. SPY operatives staked out six doughnut say on a [doughnut-eating) scale of I to 10,
own catchphrase. During the shops, each near a precinct house, during the [cops) probably rank somewhere around a 10½,"
Lindsay era it was Fiai City. prime doughnut-eating hours of 6:45 am. to he said. "The problem I find with jellies or the
During the Koch years it was
How'rn I dom? Now, barely a
8:45 a.m. Their mission: count the number of other kind chat ooze out is that they drip over
quarter of the way through doughnuts purchased, and crown a champion. your uniform. Unfortunately, now I'm a diabetic,
its (dart, we say?) first term, The results? Surprising, to say che least. so I've stopped [doughnutting], but [my favorite
comes che current adminis-
trations tag line: Poor Dasie
During ten hours of surveillance, operatives had been a] chocolate doughnut. You start out
Dinkins. And, as though witnessed the purchase of only one doughnut by a ton the force] with a 32 waist; [nowj I got at least
crime and fhcal and labor police officer. They saw fire fighters buying a 44. It's just doughnuts are a comfortable treat,
crises weren't trouble and you're able to gulp them down. 1f there's sud-
doughnuts, and cops buying bagels, and they saw
enough, the mayor has denly a call on your radio, you can toss them
selected as a PR adviser a squad car slowly drive past a doughnut shop
Howard Rubenstein, an while the officers inside looked longingly at the aside." And Frank Rizzo, the bellicose former
image consultant so sensitive contents of the window. But that was it. Shocked, mayor and police chief of Philadelphia, practically
to public appearances that he SPY contacted experts for their reaction. gushed as he discussed the days when cops ate
has allowed his own employ-
ment (and, perforce, the "Cops are eating healthier foods," explained doughnuts and got respect. "Let me tell you that
mayor's profound weakness) Detective Joseph McConville, spokesperson for when I was a cop - even though I had my break-
to be trumpeted on the cover New York Police Commissioner Lee Brown. fast at homethere was nothing I liked more
of the New York Post (also a "Myself, in lieu of a doughnut I have a bran than a big, thick doughnut and a cup of cofFee! You
client of Rubenstein's). Giv-
en this flack's knack for con- muffin." AI O'Leary, spokesperson for the Transit got out there, walked around, rolled in the streets
venient confluences of incr- Police, agreed with McConville, saying, "I can with criminals [and burned) the calories off,"
est, it's worth noting that tell you, from the point of physical well-being - David Bourgeois andJos/, Gillette
while Rubenscein is advising
Dinkins, he has also officially
registered with the city clerk
as a lobbyist for nearly 30
businesses and organizations. ''HnP! I'M A PRISONER IN AN EDITING AN OFAY MAGAZINE Is
Among them arc many that
have contracts with the city OFAY ViORD!'' THE BEST REVENGE
or that have had or could
have dealings with it over "I really thought he Number oftimes Spike Lee's name is mentioned
zoning or taxes. As che city was stealing a line in the October Spin, which he guest-edited : 43
does business in che months
ahead, one may wish co refer
from Spike Lee in an Number of times his sister, Joie, is mentioned : I 6
to the following listand 'I'm going to get you, Number oftimes his father, Bill, is mentioned : 3
how those on it are faring sucker' strategy" - for- Number oftimes his brother Cinque is
before city agencies and mer colonel Harry mentioned : i
boards - as a barometer of
Rubensteins influence: the
Summers, on the Air Number of times Mo' Better Blues
Associated Builders and Force chief of staff's is mentioned : I 2
Owners of Greater New predictions of massive U.S. bombings of Iraq, Number of times Do the Right Thing
York, Carey Transportation, referring to the Keenen Ivory Wayans film i'm is mentioned : 9
Gannett Transit, Guck
Gonna Git You Sucka Number of times She's Gotta Have It is
Development Affiliates,
News America Publishing, mentioned : 9
the Real Estate Board of "As Spike Jones says, you have to do the right Number of times School Daze is mentioned : 9
New York, the linilormed Number of timesJungle Fever is mentioned : I
Sanitationmen's Association,
thing" New York State Assembly Speaker
the Zeckendorf Company Mel Miller, trying to comment on the Kore- Number ofvisual representations ofSpike Lee : 8
and Capital Citi&ABC. an-deli boycott in Brooklyn) - Luanne Parker
28SPYFEBRUARY 1991
u __
Ii's Owiï B[FORD FALLS
(BUT I
LIKE Ii)
Our Holiday Gftide to Rock n' Roll Hepnw
-I-
he holidays. . .and our thoughts
turn to holiday music. Sort of. There's al-
ready a downtown New York band called
Zuzus Petals; we thought we'd save the
rest of Amends musically inclined youth
the trouble ofcannibalizing lt's a Wonder-
fai Le/e (or band names. And, for good
measure, we named their first singles.
Band: Hard-Skulled Characters
Single: Miserable Failures Like You"
B Side: You're Not Paid (To Be a
Cana ry )
"
+
i ,, J
IOR K ING
GIRL: 'NHY
SAWYER HAS Before ABCs human-interest piece on the congression- made disasters as well. In 1989 his
M E T FI E R Prinie'I,,,,e Lizie hic al campaign ol Nancy KuIp, the woman Christmas holiday was titit on hold so
M A T C H A T
the airwaves last who played Miss Hathaway on The Bez erly that PT Liz'e could broadcast from the
scason, insiders at Hi//billies, into an inappropriate hatchet Panamanian war zone. When staffers dis-
PR/ME TIME the network tout- job. Sawyer ravaged her nonplussed appeared in country, a decent fellow
L i y E ed the Diane Saw- guestthus demonstrating to Hewitt might have worked the phones trying to
--- yerSam Donald- that she could hold her own with Mike locate his MIAs. Not Kaplan - he left
son pairing as Wallace. Sawyer soon tired of Hewitt, the offices and requisitioned the Capital
Miss Priss vs. the Terminator. But 'hilc- however, and began a series of long lunch- (;ities jet so as to salvage the remainder of
Donaldson is a bullyboy on the air. the es with ABC News president Roone his vacation.
real ogres at PrimeTime Live have turned Arledge, which culminated in her jump- Prior to PT Live, Kaplan was the
out to be Sawyer herself and the slwws ing networks for her very own star vehicle. executive producer of Nightline, where he
executive prodticer, Rick Kaplan. These Now, as the occasionally interesting measured the success of his broadcasts by
two are on a collision course. PrimeTime Lite continues to hover near the what lie called the Fingerman Poll,
Sawyers career has been marked by an bottom of the ratingsit typically ranks named for his neighbor in New Jersey,
unflagging ability to fail upward. Being 66th out of 101 showsexecutive pro- one Mrs. Fingerman. Kaplan would call
a press aide in the Nixon White I louse ducer Kaplan looms as Sawyers next fall le womanhis pipeline to Mr. and
or nuzzling 1.arry Tisch's ear in public guy. But he is no patsy. Aside from his Mrs. Americaand ask her for a
might be enough to destroy any other hulking physical presence, the 40-ish pro- thumbs-up or -down on the morning fol-
journalis(s credibility, but the foriìer duccr shares Sawyers penchant for blam- lowing a broadcast. To Kaplan this was
Americas Junior Miss survived both Ing others when broadcasts fail to measure no joke, and his NighiIi,ie staffdrew little
(and a fondling by the late Bill Paley) up. For instance, during the October comfort from knowing their professional
without so much as a blemish. Indeed, 1989 San Francisco earthquake, Kaplan fate lay in such hands.
she has a reputation for skill and mcdli- deployed his PT Lite shock troops to set Ac Pl' Lizie, Kaplans populist
gence, though no one points to many up a segment for a show airing instincts do not sit well with
scoops or memorable interviews on lier two days afier (lie iliesday-night Sawyer, a former Wellesley girl
résumé. The real secrets of her rise have quake. Needless to say, broadcast- "I Wi ish you who would rather interview
been these: In failure, find a scapegoat - ing live is complicated enough; William Styron than Maria
and better yet, ensure success by flirting broadcasting live from a national were dead!" Maples. Now that Sam Donald-
relentlessly with important men. disaster area is almost impossible. son co-anchors the show from
the e:xcitable
Back in 1983. when she was on The When a slight technical problem Washi ngton , happier with
CBS zlowing Neuí and the show was a arose during the broadcast a . realpolitik than the backstage
exe cutive
ratings disaster, Sawyer ran to manage- mistake that viewers clidnt even sort, Sawyer has no one left to
ment and unfairly blamed lier executive notice Kaplan, watching from tangle with but Kaplan. She has
producers - first George Merlis, then New York, lost his cool. Within pro ducer overruled his attempts to cut her
Bob Ferrante. Their careers wobbled minutes the phone of Prociticer SCE ' ame d
tiresome ten-minute segments to
while Sawyer's reputation only grew. Her David Doss was ringing in San a more watchable length, and he
ventual ticket off the doomed morning Francisco. When Doss (who had has already thwarted one lull-
show was Don Hewitt, executive produc- scrapped a vacation with his ailing wife to bore COUI) attempt. But the eventual out-
er of the news divisions casti cow, 60 (IO the broadcast) picked up the phone, come is clear. You can move producers,
i%li,iiites. Hewitt would írecuent the everyone in the vicinity overheard the thinking goes, but you can only tar-
Morniig Neui set and, in the words of Kaplan's tirade. I wish you were (lead!' nish starsespecially those costing the
one former staffer, stare at Sawyer like a the exc i t able execu t i ve prod tice r network more than $2 million a year,
dog stares at a piece of meat. " In kind, screamed. In TV news this sort of behav- and extra-especially those who have
Sawyer once responded to his presence by ior often passes for leadership. Roone Arledge wrapped around their lit-
turning what was supposed to be a blithe Kaplans compassion extends to man- tie finger. - Lau.eez, Hobbs
ATTENTION STUDIO
!'-p L I C I S T S
IIllna1.
Is1jL_4J
4JF
_l II I.IuJ:la
f:A ¡C;:
Uviu
CHRONICLES
PARI XXII Th' Man W/m che lines of the one Jeff Sparky" Katzen- which sank as low LS $34 a share earlier
%7ft/(/ !3e Kiì,: berg has with Michael Eisner at Disney. this year. As recently as November, Mat-
A K I U T O M I K E : SLII! btir In fact. its fìir tu speculate that the rea- stishita was o11tring $7() a share: 'X'asscr-
son Rapke didnt leave CAA years ago to man vas looking for $ I 00. and vet
''PHONE HONE'' start his own talent agen(v or accept any MCA's stock was hovering in the mid-
- .. - -- -- Ovitz dra's his of the attractive studio jobs offered him.
is that Ovitz
50s. l investors then believed tha \X'as-
agentin career him a Katzen- serman really vatiu.-d to sell votildnt the
to a close. his (efl-percenters bloodlust bergesque role in a grander. more power- sItare price have been higher? In other
sOít:,n(d by a rnidd1e-aed desire ro run a amassing scheme. vords, did the whole thing start off as a
movie studio officially and thercby serve a The speculation about Rapkc- is further stock-price-goosing ruse?
more authoritative, (Iignificd function in encouraged by the last-disintegrating A year ago Ovitz was said co have con-
che creative food chain. No Prfl0t111Ce goodwill between Sheinberg and W-as- siderc-(I the top job at Sony/Colunìbia. the
ment has yet been handed down by Cre- serman, servant and master for almost tV() one rha 'vent to Peter Gober and Jon
a(ivc Artists Agency. but rhn. the decades. B ut the Wasserman-Shei nberg Peters. Ovitz turned the pest down
Kremlin was less than forthcoming when rift doesnr make the Ovitz-Rapke asccn- iore '''er at
I)eCLLISe he real ized lie had
Leonid Brezhnev left otfice in 1982. Sinn a done deal. The wild card here is (:AA. BOt there was an even heftier hit of
What we do know (about Ovitz. not David Geffen. In 1989. MCA bought rationale Íor Ovitzs decision: he knew
Brezhnev) is that he has relinquished GelTen Records in an equity-for-stock thLt the real oer would still rest in the
many oi his day-to-day responsibiliies at swap that left Gellen as a major share- hands of die nian who initiated the
tue agency. lic now rarely attends CAAs holder in MCA. Gellen has told intimates (1Çtl -\X'alter YetnikofE the erratic head
daily staff meetings. Queries regarding that there is no way in die world' he Ol(:Bs/cOlumbia Records.
his lt clients - Robert Redford. l)ustin would work for Ovitz. much less approve \Vell...YetnikofF is gone. collapsed
Hoffman. even best pal Barry Levinson - him as chairman of his companY. under the weight o1 his own personality
are more often than not referred to Ros- There is another twist in the Matsushi- (4tiid an unfortunate. sexuality-related
alie Swedlin, one of Ovitzs feared and ta buvout al IlCA : many are comment about Getï&-n). and the
respected deputies. The evidence points wondering just how serious Geff en told 1
tiasi -Yetn ikoflian Jon Peters has
emphatically to the conclusion that Ovitz Wasserman reall' was about been all but exiled from
is readying himself for a new job, and the acquiring a new partner. As a intimates "there umbia his three remaining
conventional wisdom has him our ol savvy husi nessrnan , Wasserman reslx)nsibilltics beitig ( I ) produc-
CAA within a year. knew that even Ptrtial Japanese is no wc 1 in
ing a New Kids ou the Block
Rut Im getting ahead of rnyselí ownership of L. 'i: , Bruce the movie; (2) investigating clic jxssi-
First of all, its not entirely clear Shark and Steven Spielbergs the woirId" bihity of building a (:.ltinibia Pic-
lìere Mike is headed. The long-held Amblin Entertainment would tures theme j,ark in an L. A. sub-
assumption, of course, is that Ovitz will prompt another wave of protec- he would work orb: and (3) keeping his name out
step into MCA/Universal chairman Lew tionist outcry. But with Robert ofthe papers.
the Legend' Wassermans loafers now Strauss. Jody Powell, Albert Gore for 'itt
All of which explains why I
that the studio has completed its deal jr. and Bill Bradley as his Wash- VOLLldflt b surpris(-(l it Ovitz and
with Matsushita, since lie was advising ington mouthpieces, that may Rapke ended up at Columbia aller
and even representing the Japanese in prove not to he a problem. 1-le was also ail1. (At least there Ovitz would be abk to
their negotiations with MCA. lt is fur- aware of Geffens coiitempt for Ovitz - a get stock options. \'larsushiita. on the oth-
tuer presumed that CAAs copresident of contempt that has been dulled by a puta- er hiaiid. is privately lwld.) Fhien. 1Lt least
motion pictures Jack Rapke will follow tive reconciliation. Wouldnt you turn the ex-Marine Ron Agrtic Mcyer Meyer
his boss to MCA and take over Sid other cheek in exchange for $720 million VOLild finally be able to realize his dream
Sheinbergs job as studio head. Rapke (which is what Geffcns MCA stock is now of becoming the ÜIirchicf of CAA.
already enjoys something of a pupil- worth)? What Wassermafl reall wanted See you Mondas night at Morcons.
mentor relationship with Ovitz, alonz was to inflate the price of MCA stock - Celia B'wdj
hoIorhy l IllpOIo /ethlel XCOHYC 1OD1 CIlIIfl/ hd5Cd 01100 Ih iiovgl by tho rFi5/crccoIy y 1e fdlly/
öiic}oí o
R jiìi
y ci c./
Frank Patti
he longtime friendship attempt an impish shot across the Times's che new culture czar, assuring the theater
between architecture bow. But first he fired off an outraged critic that no such humiliation would
critic turned culture missive to publisher Punch Sulzberger have arisen ifhe, Gelb, were still running
editor Paul Goldberger pointing out that Witchel "whispered to things. Goldberger, meanwhile, turned
and Frank "die Butch- Mr. Rich [and giggled] throughout the to assistant managing editor Al Siega!,
er of Broadway" Rich performance. At one point. .the woman
. who discovered that the ad had not been
lies in shambles, the casualty oían unfor- sitting in front of them had to turn properly vetted by the advertising-
tunate chain of events involving Gold- around to hush them. Merrick then
'
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tiny husband
FEBRUARY 1991 SPY 37
And now, as her husband, ever the appeaser, has taken the and is generally excludedto her dismayfrom formal
wrong side in the Persian Gulf prewar maneuvering, his meetings of the king and his advisers, the queen has pointed
Yankee baby-boomer wife finds herselfin an awkward position: out, 'l have my own ofFice [andi most ofwhat I've done has
J ordanians resent her, in part because she is a high-handed been rather revolutionary, as far as someone in my
American, and Americans are coming to dislike her because That occasionally includes officially disavowing her past. "I
she is a haughty anti-American mouthpiece. never felt American when I married' she told People in 1980.
Despite a grasp of policy no one calls acute, during the "lt's not that I'm rejecting America, but. . .1 felt from the start
current crisis Noor seems to be fulfilling her not-well-disguised I belonged here'
ambitions to he an important player and actually wielding By most accounts there is real affection between the couple.
some significant, Nancy Reaganesque influence over the tiny Still, Noor is wife No. 4and, some rumors have suggested,
king. She has been the conduit, via faxed groveling notes merely part ofa continuing series. The king has a well.known
from New York and Washington, for various big-time U.S. affection for young, attractive women and has made no great
journalists seeking an audience with Iraq's Saddam Hussein. secret of his passions. Before he had divorced his second wife,
Ted Koppel had a three-hour dinner with Noor and King he was wooing his third. Not long ago he was smitten by
Hussein en route to Baghdad, and according to another well- the TV journalist Kathleen Sullivan, who coyly referred to
known reporter who recently spent time with the royal couple the episode on The Tonight Show, although without naming
in Amman, Noor did nearly all the talking. Ac one lunch with Hussein. Most recently, the king is said to have fallen for a 23-
Westerners, she passed the king several notes during the meal, year.old Palestinian-American living in Jordan; the young
one ofwhich said, "Stop smoking so much' At the same woman is said to have been shipped offto the U.S. (Intriguingly,
time, her public presence injordan has been toned down in when si"i contacted thejordan Information Bureau's press
response to the crisis. For a month after the invasion, she office in Washington, a female press officer with the same
was invisiblereportedly sent out ofthe country more than name as this supposed object of the king's affections became
once by the nervous king. Whatever happens in the Gulf, hostile.) Queen Noor has acknowledged, albeit in an entirely
though, Noor is probably now on a precarious perch win different context, her husband's great appreciation of "the
or lose, the U.S. and its Arab allies are unlikely to prevent the capabilities of women:' They have had two sons and two
overthrow of the quisling King Hussein. "She may have daughters together, although as half-Americans the boys are
wanted to be Nancy Reagan,' says a veteran Middle East unlikely heirs to the throne. The king is said to have lobbied
reporter, "but it hasnr worked out that way during the last couple ofyears for a fifth child, an idea Noor
has apparently resisted. And when the notion of possible
ThERE HAVE BEEN DIFFICULTIES FROM THE BEGINNING. separation came up, according to one account, Hussein
She purports to be an Arab through and through (her threatened her with a more or less permanent estrangement
paternal grandfather was from Syria; she converted to Islam; from their children. (Hussein divorced his first wife when
she is, after all, queen offordan), but Noor is basically the all- their daughter was an infant, and mother and child were kept
American yuppie, che girl next dooronly next door happens apart until the girl was seven.)
to be a palace in Amman. She has no natural constituency She's King Hussein's fourth wife, and she may not be his last,
fir more exciting than living someplace where people feel you, iebchen. . Noor with, left to
. ':
they've found all the ______________________________ right. Kurt Waldheim in Vienna; the
answers. Shriver-Schwarzeneggers and Wolfgang
Puck at Spago in L.A.; the Duchess of r-
B MANY ACCOUNTS, York at Wimbledon; and downtrodden
the new Queen Noor Kuwaitis at a relugee camp near Amman
4OSPYFERRUARYI99I
sticking up in a palace garden, she berated the footman in front a strain of extra-energetic Israel-attacking in the context, of
oía visitor. "I told you to rernovc these' she screamed, grabbing course, of supporting Palestinian rights and contributing to
the pole and waving it. "They're in the way.' Before long, servants the international dialogue.
were calling her Lisa no doubt affectionately behind her back. Noor herself has taken to the Israeli-bashing parts of the job
The palace staff of more than loo needed alterations. The with special relish. She has read staff-written speeches about
new queen hired more British and Americans, though four the "Israeli war machine" and criticized the U.S. for seeming to
actual )ordanians currently work in her office as well. For an "reward [Israel] for its belligerence' Her husband counts among
official photographic portrait of the royal family, the queen his vast automobile collection a gold Mercedes-Benz used by
insisted on hiring a British photographer, explaining chat Hitler (thejordan Information Bureau maintains the car belonged
Jordanians werenc yet advanced enough to get it right. co "the German Army"), and the couple count among their friends
Q ueen Noor also learned the importance of appearing the charming Kurt Waldheim (as well as Waldheim's American
regal to those who didn't have the benefit of regular personal pal Arnold Schwarzenegger). And Noor has, on at least one
contact. She developed che habit of keeping people waiting, occasion, appalled guests by sneeringly mimicking the accents
sometimes for days, for scheduled appointments. (This is ofherJewish neighbors on the other side oftheJordan River.
always useful when establishing an aura.) And she knew
enough not to ruin the effect by apologizing. On one occasion QUEEN NooR HAS FREQUENTLY REFERRED TO HERSELF AS A
a journalist who had flown in from the States specifically to "humble civil servant;' a "working queen" with a "modest" way
see her waited four days for her to return from Aqaba. oflife and "no time to worry about [our) own safety" In addition
Back in the States, the extendedjordanian royal family share to the palace in Amman, the palace in Aqaba and a new lavish
ii) che miracle. Alexa, the queen's sister, took naturally to regal private residence outside Amman bought this year, the royal
ways. One college acquaintance who saw her after che wedding couple also own a country estate in the hills above Vienna
noticed a marked new sense ofsuperioriry. "Alexa had sprung this is thought to be the future residence-in-exile, and they
from the head of her sister a full-blown princess' another have poured some $5 million into restoring the place, in the
friend recalls. The sister basks happily in Noor's reflected process equipping it with an elaborate security system that
glow. "This is major climbing' says one Washingcon journalist. includes guard dogs, a video camera at every entrance, and a
Alexa, now 36, had already been chasing a half-Kennedy wraparound electric double fence. The couple have also
(Bobby Shriver) and soon moved on to William Hurt and maintained homes in England (one ofwhich they lent last winter
George Lucas. A business associate who worked with Atexa to Charles and Di when they were renovating), Cannes, the
on a project concerning Noor says, "She tends to get involved Canary Islands and Maryland; a year ago Noor was apparently
as her sister's surrogate. While she may have had to call Queen house-hunting in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, and in November
Noor 'Your Majescy that doesn't mean Alexa isn't similarly reportedly in Palm Beach, Florida. In 1982, Noor rented Trees,
imperious with nontitled Americans like rnyselC the Long Island summer house then owned by Carl Bernstein
Lisa's mother, Doriswhom one friend describes as a "sweet and Nora Ephron. With two Lear jets at her personal disposal,
Upper East Side matron'bragged about the 'glamour" of the it's no wonder Noor reportedly spends so little time (no more
job and encouraged her friends to refer to her new son-in-law as than a month a yeai by one report) in Amman.
Kingy. Mrs. Halaby was also impressed with the political nature Because che royal couple travel so much, extravagant displays
olLisa's new post andseerned to delight in the opportunity it of affection toward each other and their children are crucial.
Once, when Noor and Hussein were vacationing in London, they The queen says she was "completely surprised" by the eruption
loaded a Royaijordanian jet to Amman with a precious cargo ofher subjects' unloving feelings, but she told people that in time,
of Big Macs and french friessurprise! On a visit to L.A. J ordanians would learn to respect her. It may be a long wait. A
with Hussein, Noors eye was caught by a piece ofjewelry in dozen years into Noor's reign, Abdullab Hasafet, an editor at the
the window of a hotel shop. The fact that it was the wee hours pro.HusseinJordan Times, finds the queen genuine" but still a bit...
ofthe morning and the shop was closed made her sad...until unprepared. "It's not easy for Queen Noor to, um, comprehend
she remembered that she was a queen. The royal couple everyching' 1-lasafet says. "She does not have the gut feeling,
promptly awakened the stores manager to show them the jewels. you know, you have when you are born here and you know the
Although the queen is, as we've learned, an Arab now, conflict and you've lived with it' Her recent public appearances,
she exhibits a healthy interest in the infidels' popular culture. such as the photoop visits co Kuwaici refugee camps, are so
Trivial Pursuit, Dallas and French fashion magazines are controlled that it's impossible for the press's enthusiasmShe's
pastimes. Most ofall, she and the king like to relax in the beautiful! She cares! not to outstrip reality. In October she,
palace cinema with some tacos or cheeseburgers at hand. not Hussein, visited New York (for the UN conference on
(Queen Noor has said they simply watch leftover videos from children) and then Washington, where she gave a speech at
Amman movie theaters, but she is being unnecessarily the liberal Brookings Institution. It seemed a good idea to
modest; in fact, the royal library contains some 4,000 films, send the queen and not the king. Amman's streets were filling
and additional shipments of up to 50 videos per week arrive with anti-Western, proSaddam Hussein protestors - if war
from the States as needed.) The queen even introduced His comes to the Gulf, a U.S. official told The New York Times
Majesty to country-and-western music and rock n' roll, which recently, "the American embassy in Amman will probably
the five-foot-three-inch Hussein sometimes cranks up to burn"and some locals were detecting a political statement
energize himselfbefore important political events. in Jordanian television's first-ever airing of The Ugly American.
After breakfast the queen might have her three-times-weekly So she headed for Washington.
aerobics lesson with her personal trainer while the king takes
an imaginary spin on his exercise bicycleor possibly a real FOLLOWING HER BROOKINGS SPEECH, DURING A QUESTION-
spin around the palace with his wife or the kids on one of his and.answer session, someone asked aboutJordans Israel
30 motorcycles. (He also owns 175 cars, counting Hitler's gold policy. After the queen's evasive response, her host interceded.
Mercedes, more than 40 boats and several royal jets; he recently "If we're going to dwell on the past:' the Brookings woman
acquired a $20,000 14-foot Surfrider Sport Speedboat. Each said while the queen stood by approvingly, "we're never going
ofthe couple's older children owns a miniature motorized car; to move into the future' The regal effect worked this time: the
and then there are the presumably special-occasion-only, questioner later apologized to Noor.
nanny-chauffeured mini-Porsches.) The main, $100-per-ticket reception for her visit, held at the
A queen must look right, and Noor's taste in clothes runs J ordanian embassy to raise funds for Kuwaiti refugees in
toward Yves Saint Laurent and Pierre Cardin. At the palace, a Jordan, was completely ignored by the U.S. government. Luckily,
chambermaid is employed to attend exclusively to Her Majesty's Jeeb Halaby was therealong with other political hard hitters
wardrobe, which is distributed through several rooms and like Catherine Shouse, founder of Wolf Trap - to offer
includes is this the fin de siècle indicator ofimminent exile? support and imbue his daughter's visit with the import it
hundreds of pairs of shoes. Every item has been photographed, deserved: a number ofwell-known magazines hoped to cover
and the photographs are organized into albums co make the event with photos in their social pages, but those sorts of
packing easier Which frees the queen to spend more time photos, Dad implied, were just not serious enough. Happily
contributing tojordanian society. for the Halabys, The Washington Post did cover Noor's official
visit. Unhappily, they did so in the Style section.
IN 1989 THE QUEEN WAS ONE OF THE GRIEVANCES Is it too much to ask that a queen be taken seriously? She
precipitating riots that broke out injordan as the economy returns again and again to Washington, the one place ¡n her
became more and more unbearable. As a result of the homeland where titular importance ought to count for a lot. In
discontent, the well-loved king instituted an elected the corner of a social gathering thrown by friends back home,
parliament for the first time in 22 years, which in turn the former Lisa Halaby Queen Noor ofJordan - sits all alone.
resulted in the election of a powerful minority of Islamic The guests, perhaps reluctant to be seen as toadying, perhaps
conservatives. A rising faction injordan since 1984, they simply not interested, are just not going over to talk to her.
were becoming yet another cause for concern for the ever- Please, the hostess begs one after another, pleasejust go up to her
appeasing kingthey particularly objected to his new wife. and chatforfive min#tes, each ofyou. You can talk about anything.
In some ways Queen Noor ran afoul ofher subjects from But the queen (whom one participant will later describe as
very beginning. She spent too much money; she was thought "fundamentally boring") remains isolated, apparently uncertain
to be condescending and patronizing. "People in the Jordanian ofhow to proceed - unable to engage the attention ofher former
street, she has said, "want co touch us, they want to feel us, they fellow Americans, unwilling to wade in among them and risk
feel we are their family' Her handlers' desperate efforts to keep diluting the queenly aura. Wherever she is these days, Amman
her quiet and low-key were a source ofamusement for onlookers. or Washington, Aqaba or London, she seems a little awkward,
In the late 1980s, one Amman resident says, she went through a little out ofplace, unloved. "For us' said a Western journalist
a two-year period oflooking like "your aunt Bessie"long covering the Middle East, "shes the Blond Queen. Injordan she's
sleeves, dowdy outfits, generally Iess-sparkli ng-looki ng. just not playing a big role. She has only to be very careful')
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up more than its fair share catch it?!?
of the world's resources. SUSAN SEIDELMAN, director of a [Sighs) That was very funny.
So maybe your parents movie starring Madonna: Hello?
shouldn't have bought, Okay.
cooked and given you so SPY JR.: Hi, is Susan Seidelman there? Okay, very funny. Very clever.
many Brussels sprouts in the Speaking. Have you heard about the idiot who
first place! Also, making Hi, uh, Ms. Seidelman, this is Michael says, "What?"
you eat things you don't Hunt. I was wondering, is your
want could lead you down [Sighs) Goodnight.
the path toward juvenile refrigerator running? Goodnight.
obesity. As Karen Miller- Is my refrigerator running? [Seidelman hangs up.)
The Usual Suspects
A conflict arose during the filming of a urging you to see this carefully crafted, Kovach of the American
major movie sequel's climactic scene. A not-at-all-exploitative film. Dietetic Association
says, "Forcing kids to eat
concerned crew member complained to more than they want
the director that the scene was being defeats the natural hunger
shot in such a way that audiences might An actual mom writes: Recently I was mechanism:'
see one character start an action and a making the rounds of Manhattan's pri-
vate preschools, trying to find one suit- Cross your eyes and they'll
second character complete it. These get stuck that way.
sorts of errors are called continuity able for my child. While standing on the We asked Dr. Gustavo
problems, and on most movie sets they rooftop playground of the Upper East Colon, a Metairie,
would be cause for embarrassment. But Side's posh ALL Soui.s SCHOOL, I was Louisiana, plastic surgeon,
not on the set of Teenage Mtaant Ninfa shocked to see one three-year-old child, whether eye crossing
could cause permanent
Turtles II. Said the nonchalant director, Jimmy (not his real name), sobbing un- injury. "It is completely
The only thing that tips people off to controllably. The reason? He was encir- impossible' Dr. Colon
which TURTLE is which is the different- cled by his classmates, who were chant- says, "unless you crossed
colored headband. And in this light, your eyes and somebody
ing, Jimmy doesn't have a coun-try house,
put pins in your eyes
who can tell?" Ads on TV will soon be J immy doesn't have a coun-try house! to hold them in that
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had a pacemaker installed, and on already seen thejanuary Mad, you eccentric: nice word for weird.
doctor's orders, the well-fed 68- know that the cover for the maga- Oedipal (ed-uh-pull): a reference to Oedi-
year-old has actually been dieting zine's 300th issue features Alfred pus (ed-uh-puss). a character in Greek
and avoiding wine, E. Neuman as the 'Sexiest Schmuck mythology who accidentally killed his
Gaines's new health regimen Alive." What you don't know is that father and spent the night cuddled up
means he will have to pass up im- the original 300th-issue cover was in his mother's bed. Ring any bells? It's
portant office activities like last scrapped at the last minute be- okay, you're supposedly ,zormal.
and the fakes. Gaines, a connois- 1. A lump or piece of with td, and you'll have more
seur ofsorts, was even able to iden-
excrement; also, excrement, teachers than reachers. )
cuy the different brands ("This one's
Hebrew National, this one's Oscar
Mayer, and that one's a Sabrett's")! Separated at Birth?
Hence the pacemaker.
Otherwise, the millionaire pub-
usher's busy, busy days continue
to be filled with showing off the
Hitler ... and Julia Roberts?
authentic human skull in his office
bookcase. (He claims it's his fa-
ther's, an oddly Oedipal jest for a
eeek ct
The SPY JR. Annotation
Goofus and Gallant
Your parents' bedside table drawer
is their most private, top-secret
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may be unfamiliar to you. They
may even frighten you. Others may
seem familiar. But to adults, they
have unusual uses.
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you believe in Santa Claus? Santa's first obstacle is that no known species of
This is a complex theological reindeer can fly. However, scientists estimate that
c question that each child must decide out of the earth's roughly 2 million species of
for him- or herself. Until now, that is. With the living organisms, 300,000 or so have yet to be
aid of computers, spy JR. has classified. So, even though most
conducted a rigorous statistical of these undiscovered species
investigation into the question are insects and germs, we can't
of Santa's existence. Be fore- rule out the slight possibility
warned: you may not like our that a species of flying reindeer
conclusions. ... does, in fact, exist. And that
We begin our investigation by no one besides Santa has ever
assuming that Santa Claus really seen one.
does exist. Now, ifyou've learned A bigger obstacle for Santa
anything about human nature, is that there are 2 billion
you know it's highly unlikely that children under the age of 18 in
a normal man would choose, for the world. The good news is
no particular reason, to devote that he needs to deliver presents
his life to making toys and deliv- only to Christian children, of
ering them to boys and girls the whom there are approximately
world over. But this is an objective 378 million (according to figures
inquiry, and questions of motiva- ANYBODY HOME? No toy-manufactur- provided by the Population
tion aren't relevant. We want only Ing facility or elf living quarters are Reference Bureau). Let's assume
to know whether such a man visible in this aerial surveillance that 15 percent of these
could accomplish his mission. photo taken over the North Pole. Christian children have been
«:
_i
bad and are thuslike Muslim, Hindu, Jewish include trips across oceans, feeding stops for
and Buddhist childrenineligible for gift the reindeer, etc.) Given the 31-hour time
getting. Still, at an average rate of 3.5 children period, Santa's sleigh must maintain an average
per household, Santa has a backbreaking speed of 650 miles per second, or more than
91.8 million homes to visit on any given 3,000 times the speed of sound. To give you
Christmas Eve. an idea how fast that is, the fastest man-made
Fortunately, Santa has 31 hours of Christmas vehicle ever built, the Ulysses space probe,
Eve darkness to visit all these homes if he travels at a relatively poky pace of 27.4 miles
travels from east to west, thanks to the rotation per second, and conventional, land-bound
of the earth. Unfortunately, this still works reindeer travel at a top speed of 15 miles per
out to 822.6 visits per second. So, for each hour. But let's just assume that Santa's flying
Christian household with good children, Santa reindeer are somehow able to reach hypersonic
has just over a thousandth of a second to land, speedsthanks, say, to the magical spirit of
hop out of his sleigh, jump down the chimney, Christmas giving.
fill the stockings, distribute the rest of the Let's take a closer look at Santa's vehicle.
presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks First of all, assuming a cheapo 2 pounds of
C
have been left out, get back up the chimney, presents per child (that's like one crummy Lego
climb back into his sleigh, take off and fly to set), the sleigh must still be able to carry a load
the next house. of 321,300 tonsplus Santa, an overweight
l
How fast is Santa moving? Assuming all man. On land, a reindeer can't pull more than
: 91.8 million stops are spread evenly over the 300 pounds of freight, and even assuming that
earth's landmass, Santa must travel 0.79 miles flying reindeer could pull ten times that amount,
per householda total trip of 72,522,000 Santa's massive sleigh has to be drawn by
miles. (This is a conservative estimate. It doesn't 214,200 beasts. They increase the weight of the
overall Santa payload to 353,430 tons (not of a second.
including the weight of the sleigh itself). This As for Santa, he will be subjected to
is more than four times the weight of the Queen centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than
Elizabeth ocean liner. Imagine: Santa skimming gravity. A 250-pound Santa will be pinned to
over rooftops in a gargantuan the back of his sleigh by
hypersonic aircraft with even I 4,375,015 pounds of force
less maneuverability than a (after we deduct his weight).
Big Wheel. This force will kill Santa
instantly, crushing his
bones, pulverizing his flesh,
turning him into pink goo.
PHOTOGRAPHtC
EVIDENCE!
continues on his mission - leaving deafening statistical: this is an almost always meaningless word that is
sonic booms in his wakecharred reindeer frequently used when people want co make something that
will constantly be sloughed off. All 214,200 is vague and haphazard sound authoritative and scientific.
reindeer will be dead within 4.26 thousandths objective: see statistical.
.LJ I Y chimneys?
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J.R.R. Tolkiensources more commonly associated with cherished blankies and outcast teenagers than with Women's
Wear Daily and Linda Evangelista. '! have a lot of Babar books, and I still read them before I go to bed," explains the
28-year-old Tarassi. "So it just occurred to me, God, I should use Babar!'" 7 Here, Tarassi has photographed
some inhabitants ofCelesteville in his spring and summcr line, available at Louis, Boston and Bergdorf's.
For mori information. .s peg. 71.
I It's
Gary enraptures
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WAKNING AOAINSI E1FAHE, HAND
FOrmer C ony
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Mighty capitalists are we!
56 SPY FEBRUJARY 1991
9 ack in the good old days of the Cold War, a
guy like Jack Wheeler wouldn't have been
caught dead leading a bunch of American
tourists on a sight-seeing trip around the
colonies ofthe Evil EmpIre But here he was
Jack Wheeleç the all-American boy, the Indiana Jones of the
right, the man Izvestia once described as an "ideologica] gang-
t;' a true believer who had launched Stinger missiles with the
Profits were split between Wheeler and the Council.
J ack Wheeler, I soon learned, was a professional adventurer
whdd been credited by The Washingtrn Post with dreaming up
the Reagan Doctrine after spending a few years hooking up
with anti-Soviet insurgents in Africa, Asia and Central Amer-
¡ca. One night in Afghanistan in 1985, he'd baci an epiphany:
rebels were rising up and fighting the Soviet juggernaut all over
theglobe.Jack hightailed it back co Washington, gave a breath-
less talk to the White House speech writers - and presto,
mujaheddin in Afghanistan, dodged bullets with the contras in
Nicaragua and downed brews with 011ie North at a dive near Reagan was extolling the moral equivalents of the Founding
the White Houseon the Hungariari-Romanian border with Fathers who were fighting Commie bastards everywhere. Jack
a Mercedes busload of ill-tempered American tourists. became the brash, blue-eyed boy of the conservative move-
J ack was, as ever, dressed in safari gearbattered khaki ment, a rock 'n' roll Republican in the Lee Atwater tradition.
jacket, khaki shorts, khaki-colored Reeboks (his khaki hat with J ack wanted to know if! was interested in the trip. There was
the porcupine quill had been filched some days earlier in East silence on my end of the phone. "Itll be bitchin'," he promised.
Berlin). On the middle finger ofhis right hand was a mollusk- I had to admit that I was curious to see a group of conservative
size gold ring, embossed with a Chinese character, that he had Americans square dance on the grave of their mortal enemy.
bought in Saigon when it was still called Saigon. ("ft's the sym- "Sign me ap;' I told him,
bol for happiness and virility' he says.) Jack stood at the
front ofthe bus and surveyed the squadron ofAmerican right- THE RONALD REAliAN GREEO-IS-OOD VICTORY TOUR
wingers with a pair of mischievous, narrow-set blue eyes. His Tanya. The name conjures up a slinky, smoky-voiced Slavic spy
charges were filling out their exit cards. who smuggles microfilm across the border in her black satin
ING OUI ¡11E SlABS AND SIHIPES, DOWING KISSES ¡O RUMANIAN 1100KEOS, ANO MUßE!
'Hey, Jack' someone called out from the back of the bus. bustier But Tanya, our guide to East Berlin, was a breezy,
What do we write under REASON FOR VISIT?" T-shirted 20-year-old from southern California who had lived
J ack paused for a moment. «KCA' he said matter'of-factly in Germany for exactly three weeks. Her familiarity with the
over the bus's speaker system. «KCA' city was slight (she knew where all the McDonald's were in
"What's that?" one ofhis troops asked. West Berlin), and her knowledge of World War II seemed
Jack grinned, and then grabbed the microphone as though to be derived mostly from Hogans Heroes reruns.
he were launching into a sweaty encore in a Vegas lounge. Kick Tanya was a keen disappointment to our conservatives, who
Commie assl' he cried. "Kick Commie ass!" peppered her with well-researched questions about the range
Suddenly, backstage behind che disintegrating Iron Curtain, of the SS-20 missiles based in East Germany, the number of
where nervous Americans once kept their heads down and Soviet military personnel still stationed in Warsaw Pact coun-
spoke only in whispers, the bus literally rocked. tries and whether former East German leader Erich Honecker
"KICK COMMIE ASS!" had been an international drug kingpin.
"KICK COMMIE ASS! There were 19 people on this leg ofthe trip, 15 ofthem men.
There was Gary, an earnest, bespectacled jeweler from Indi-
Several weeks before I joined up with Jack Wheeler's merry anapolis who wore goLd chains and thought pornography was
buscapade, my eye had been drawn to one of those tiny ads the source of all crime; Bill, a ham-fced businessman, also
buried at the bottom of the front page of The New York Times: from Indianapolis, who proudly told me he was the first person
to buy a Playboy Club franchise, back in 1960; Bud, a real es-
CAPITALISM HAS WON! VIP tours to East Europe
wI former Reagan oflicials. cate developer from Orange County who, everywhere we went
in Eastern Europe, made a point ofasking about land prices.
I called the 800 number and got Wheeler straightaway. 'This Later we would be joined by right-wing celebrities like Phyllis
is not some American Express tour to see the sights' he told me. Schiafly and her daughter; Ry Clin; the former deputy direc-
"This is current history, and we!re going to meet the people mak- tot of the CiA, who referred to the rest of us as campers;
¡ng that history' The tour, sponsored by a conservative Washing- another mother-daughter team, Bobbi and Lisa, from Her-
ton think tank called the Council for Inter-American Security mosa Beach, California; and Lynn Bouchey, the garrulous
covered six countries East Germany, Czechoslovakia, Poland, president of the Council for Inter-American Security
Hungary, Romania and Bulgaria, in that orderand each of the Most of the men, Jack told me, were "ìnvestors One thing I
trip's three legs would include about 15 or 20 travelers of the know they invested in was subscriptions to arcane journals
"conservative disposition' The price was just under $10,000. like intelligence Digest, which they pored over on the bus.
LOOKED US UP AND DOWN AS IF WE WEHE CHAKACIEOS FROM ßYNAS1 TRYING TO GUESS 0DB SECRET
know where I can find an AA meeting in Warsaw? I don't need erators and instead marched off to urinate on the side of
to go. I just like to sometimes:' the monument.
We met Gaspar Tamas, a founder of Hungary's Alliance of
EVERYTHING'S BETTER IN THE USA Free Democrats, who spoke with a crisp English accent and
Our first morning in Poland, Eva, our sweet, nervous guide, could have played a boulevardier in a British drawing-room
told us how Poland was always surrounded by enemies and comedy. Gaspar was very gloomy. "You know' he said, round.
had been invaded countless times. "You know what Poland's ing offhis remarks, "l've been advised never to say There's no
problem is?" said Bud, the OrangeCounty entrepreneur, who hope' to an American:' Then he calledjack aside and put in the
relentlessly applied the tenets of American real estate to geo- hook more smoothly than any Texas savings-and-loan officer.
politics. "Location. Location. Location' "Jack' he said, 'there is a very important conference in Vienna;
Later, Lisa and Bobbi took Eva aside and had a heart-to- if I am to attend, I must have American currency......
heart: Eva, you're a lovely woman, but that silver eye shadow and Phyllis heard chis and immediately spearheaded a fundrais-
brown lipstick have got to go. They then initiated her into the ing drive. Gaspar made a valiant attempt to appear sheepish
elaborate cosmetic rites of California, putting Eva through a about accepting money, but Phyllis pressed it on him. "The first
complete make-over. gave her cheekbones,' said Lisa proudly. of the American handouts to Eastern Europe' Bud grumbled.
That night at dinner, the leader ofthe Confederation for In-
dependent Poland, Lescek Moczulski, droned on through the SHOPPERS OF THE WORLD, UNITE!
entire meal about domestic prices (rising) and industrial out- Bobbi and Lisathe Girls, as some took to calling themhad
put (falling). During dessert, Diamond Gary stood up and been suffering acute shopping withdrawal. (Bobbi complained
asked a question. 'Look, can I get offthis micro subject and ask that she was running out ofoutfits.) But Budapest proved a veri-
a macro question?" he said irritatedly. "Is there anybody in this table galleria. After a day at the stores, Lisa, a former cheer.
country good at making money?" leader, broke into an exuberant cheer: "Give me an S' she
After dinner a few ofus went to a local disco. It was a dark chanted, jumping into the air. "Give me an H. Give me an O......
and joyless place, with elevator music on the sound system, a At our last supper in Hungary, I found myself seated next
few anemic flashing lights and a closet.size dance area. A few to Mrs. Schlafly. About halfway through the meal, she turned
\
At about ten-thirty the speaker was (\ \> We had spent weeks in Eastern Europe, and the
telling people to calm down. "Don't first full-blown anti-American asshole we had encoun-
"Ñck Commie ass!,' Jack the
give [President] Iliescu a chance to Romanian mob.
tered was an Englishman. The whole episode put our
shoot you' he said, then motioned table in a fine humor. People gave toasts and remi-
for Lynn andJack to come outside. Suddenly, there was Lynn, nisced about the trip.
in his navy-blue blazer and horn-rimmed glasses, in the spot- Amid all the gloating, though, I detected a kind of mourn-
light. "The century of the Evil Empire is over;' he began en- ing that last night in Sofia. Suddenly, wich the transformations
couragingly. "And the Council for Inter-American Security ¡s of Eastern Europe and the Soviet Union, these people didnt
going to help you' Confused silence. have the Commies to kick around anymore. For decades these
It wasJack's turn. He nervously bounced on the balls of his men had been locked in psychological combat with the specter
feet. He was wired. "In the eyes ofhistory," he proclaimed into ofCommunism. Now their enemy had thrown in the towel. lt
the microphone, "Marxism is dead. History is now on the side was going to be awfully lonely without those bastards.
of democracy:' Scattered cheers. Then he cold them that the "FTC'Jack said, holding his glass aloft in a final toast. Fuck
INTO AN EXUSERANI CHEER JO ¡HE JOY OF SHOPPING: "GIYE ME AN GIYE ME AN II GIVE ME AN L"
American people "did not like Ion Iliescuhis gang of the Communists!" he bellowed, and he drained his beer. But the
Stalinists can go jump in the Black Sea' This got a roar. Then spirit seemed to be lacking.
he raised his fist. 70S COMMUN1SMUL (Romanian for "Kick The Commies are gone, but there is a consolation. Eastern
Commie ass"Y"Jack yelled again: "JOS COMMUNiSM UL!"The Europe, I realized that night, had become a kind of Stalinland
crowd picked up the chant. 70S COMMUN1SMUL!» theme park for visiting Americans. No more boorish, brutish
Whenjack finished, Lynn came out to embrace him. (John Yankees; we are the enlightened models of democracç the
Birch Bob was waiting in the wings, but a Free-Market Hippie steadfast prophets of freedom, the inventors of money-market
took the microphone.) Later,Jack and Lynn were very excited funds. The Russians are the new Ugly Americans.
to learn that a CNN camera had been in the square. It felt awfully grand to be an American in Eastern Europe.
My colleagues and I never felt apologetic for the Stars and
LOVING THINE ENEMY AS THYSELF Stripes. So why go to France or England, where they barely
We were bullish on Bulgaria. All excepcJohn Birch Bob. At the deign to speak to us? Why trek to the Third World, where we're
border station, he extended one of his American flags to the still loathed as big-footed imperialists? Come to Eastern Eu-
guard. The guard stared at it for a moment and then said sim- rope, where Americans can walk tall and not have to apologize
ply, "No' lt was Bob's first rejection, and he took it hard. for being businessmen out to make a buckthat's what these
Sofia, Bulgaria's modern, charm-free capital, was our final people want. Eastern Europe, I discovered, is the last place
stop. Having driven the stake, having danced on the grave, hay- where Americans can really be Americans, We even dress bec-
ing said "We told you so" for almost a solid month, on our last ter than they do.)
. 'Ii I CAN PHOTOGRAPH SOMEONE IN HIS and I used to share a cot in the living room!
bcdroom says Harry Benson, whose work Thaic pover:j 'c The photographs here
has appeared n almost every major Amen- showcase their subjects' more animal-like
can and European publication and whose attributes: some (Leona Helmsley, Helen
book [larry Bensonc People will he published Gurley Brown, General Schwarzkopf) are
this spring, "then I feel I have weakened his Lflt, as if awaiting
resolve. I've gotten into the inner sanctum. some (John Mal-
And then, when you look at [the photo- kovich, Burt Reynolds) are languid and
graph), you can imagine all the things that .L!!L![AT[ES carnal, happy to luxuriate in their own
have gone on in that roomall the dreadful things Ben- musk; and some (Truman Capote, Margaret Whiting)
sons first legendary photograph that featured a bed was his are beached and immobile, separated from their
shot ofthe Beatles having a pillow fight in a hotel room in pods. Beds, indeed, are the dominion oltbe id. Their
Paris in 1964 (above), and he has returned to the theme cushiony expansiveness and sheer familiarity seem to
again and again. The people on the following pages prompt the pure expression of self; beds are couches
h-ave strong feelings about their beds. "Enlightened as without the responsibility. And yet, pictured on their beds,
your rivals may be writes Helen Gurley Brown in 1!aving these celebrities seem a bit uncomfortable, almost as if
II A/I,"do you suppose there's any comparison between they were burdened by the dreadfulness to which Benson
you in [your) bed with your need to please. . . and other refers. lIbe had wished to, Benson might have taken much
women in their narrow or fat little beds?" "You want to more flattering photographs in the same setting, for bed
know about poverty? Fil tell you about poverty!' Ed Koch is, after all, the place where so many people are at their very
screamed to an interviewer in 1989. "My brother, Harold, best: asleep. - Henry A/ford
'
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Brown has declared ¿bat 'i delicately rosy, silky-satin, somehow innocent, always vulnerable erect penis is probably
the most fascinating object in the world."
TRUMAN CAPOTE
Capote once saw a
derelict sleeping
beside a pier and
said, "Ob. you're not
very inviting. You're
Gore Vidal's type."
/
BOBBY F!SER
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PRINCE AND PRINCESS MICHAEL OF KEN!
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64 SPY FEBIUARY
1
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of Jun is to (kiy
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FIA [STO N
BURT REYNOLDS
Reynolds has
said, "1 know how
to work hard, and
bow to play hard,
but l've never
learned to relax."
-
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Jork t!1I -
-,
-
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ri
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_
FONA HEIMSIFY JERRY FA[WER
FIRR: SPY
do-French pseudoplayboy JOE QUEENAN checks out the clothes, has
nicure, sends faxes, hounds the help and uses the putting green
rgdorf Goodman's swanky, elaborate new store pour/'hornrne.
£MEET Al
I'LL
WHEN NEW YORK'S haute clothing retailer BergdorfGoodman opened its 'ultimate
store for gentlemen" late last summer, it implored its clientele to think of it not as a
department store but, well, as a "familiar, time-honored club: a masculine, elegant The brochure, and "M. Forrestier," right
left,
place where busy executives can feel comforrable' Plush armchairs, stately fireplaces, fine woodwork, solicitous personnel
and even a tiny putting green would all enable the harried plutocrat to take refuge from his cares. And yet time and the mar-
kets do not stand still. So Bergdorf would provide an office suite with complimentary fax machines, telephones, quottons,
a secretary and a computer. Cellular telephones would be available on all floors.
Since membership in a men's clubactually, in any organization that could be called boh masculine and eleganthas
always eluded me, L turned up at Bergdorf Goodman Men and moved in. Fragments of the store's brochuremy helpful
guide - are reprinted below.
eren1y te" .,
WAS NOW READY for fiiy 2:00 p.m. haircut now requested a personal wardrobe consultation
, but first nipped into the café long enough with the appropriate individual.
to drip coffee all over the tail of my Hermès tie. "I'm the wardrobe consultant,' beamed the
Reporting to the quietly elegant salon, I explained multifaceted, enormously cooperative Ms. Kiss.
that the tie badly needed cleaning. À toute vitesse. "I am not so sure about zis tie," I confessed,
"You can hardly see it' protested the manicurist, fingering with displeasure the Hermès neckwear
but I explained that the tie belonged to my that only minutes before had been the object of so
brother-in-law, who had a keen eye for spots, and much solicitude. "A lot of people say it does not go
that I really had to insist on its being cleaned. with my blue eyes'
Disappointingly, no one offered to let me wear a "lt looks great,' she said. 'It's a classic look'
"loaner" as promised. Ten minutes later the tie, now "You t'ink it looks all right?"
stainless, was returned to me. "It looks fine' she reiterated. "You have very good
Nelfa, the voluble hairdresser, told me my hair taste.'
had been butchered the last time it had been cut, These words, sadly unfamiliar to my ears,
and that I put too much "grease" on it. I explained aroused in me a feeling of devotion and respect
that I had spent two months in a remote, heavily toward Ms. Kiss that could only be described as
wooded region of France recently. love. However, it was getting close to limo pickup
You are an archaeologist?" she asked. time, so I hastened downstairs.
-... L
"Real estate I countered. I did not elaborate. She
. .
,_1J%_1I_,._
the uncommon item or gift for that special man in her life.
asked if I lived in New York. "I live a leetle bit here,
a leetle bit zayr i explained. I paid for the haircut Where other stores leave off, Bergdorf Goodman Men begins . . . in the qualit
'
with a crisp $100 bill, then hurled the change into ivity and distinctive appeal of our clothing, furnishings and accessories,
.
.__
.
'
...J.
.
,
my shopping bagdisdainfully. .,
given to
"I" cmcri, ...... crvice. Forei5, ianguage SIh4JcuI; Siit., .. aj
the concierge
R. FORRESTIER,'
available if needed. On the second floor, an office suite allows access to
private
11I., informed me, "your car is waiting.
telephone lines, a rccptionist, secretarial services, a personal computer and a fax It's No. 47. It's parked right outside on Fifth Avenue'
machine. Portable telephones are available should a customer need to make I tanked" everyone and made my way to the
r
T-SHIRTS: ..
ì .
SHIRTWERKS,
Box 16757Dept S Smeol/Galello, Ltd )Webber); H. Armstrong
minimum); $30 per line for two or more - Chapel Hill. NC 275 I 6 Roberts (Naked City bond).
-
consecutive months. (919)942-4485:VISA.MC Page 21: AP/Wide World Photos (Berlin); Gary
Williarns/Gamma.l.iaison (hurricane).
PERSONALS: $30 per line; limited : DAN AND MARILYN QUAYLE Page 22: © 1990 Universal City Studios Inc. and
abbrcvacons accepted. Add $1 5 for sifl' box . RAY LAD, MANNEQUIN LADY Hanno.Barbera Productions (Spaceley) ; Kelly
Jordan/Galello, Ltd. (Khoshoggi); Ron Golel(a, Ltd.
number. ' , Anagram Loveis! Quaylc Enthusiasts!
(Bertïnelli. Barr, Beatty); Kevin Mazur/Londors
.
r
wuipoitth$l%cciksTihn
. .
.
kjluiiy. Utúdt thQuí4& eili Spteity It L Features Intl. (Tyler); Photofest (chain saw).
CLASSIFIED DISPLAY: 23() per column o,Xt*îlw,thb.ck o,.vlo,S14Sw
Page 24: Frederic Lewis (chess); AP/Wide
''
)
dandy (unaware, perhaps, that Beau Brummell wore dark brown but hementally stalwart in the man-
REVIEW and black), but Wolfe has consistently displayed genius over the ner of Captain Kirkwere still brain-
oF quarter century of his fame. He has some hobbyhorses, however, washed to like only denuded white Z
REVIEWERS . .
and one often wishes that, as they rust, he would turn his agile spaces, Wolfe once again sounded the .
mind to fresh material. No one who has read him and followed his alarm about those insidious Bauhausians
interviews could have been surprised by his essay in Haper.r about the modern and their "ban on ornament. " t
novel. Hes been saying the same thingover and over and overfor 20 years. No Perhaps Wolfe would never revisit
one at all familiar with his work who read the cover story on him in Esquire this fall this subject if he simply turned to the E
could have been surprised by his re-
marks there about status. He has been
saying the same thingover and over
and overfor 20 years. And even
when he recently wrote a Iighhearted
article for Hoase & Garden, one heard
an irritating, persistent scjueak as
Wolfe repeated a too-well-loved idea.
Wolfe considers himself an amateur
architecture critic, in the style of his
aesthetic soulmate Charles "I'm
Thinking as Fast as I Can" Windsor.
For HG, he wrote the text that accom-
panied photographs of a townhouse
owned by Eddie Hayes, che streetwise
Irish lawyer on whom Wolfe based the
character of Tommy Killian in The
Bonfire of the Vanities and who became
the attorney for the Warhol estate.
Wolfe luxuriated in self-satisfaction as
he described for this status-obsessed
magazine the house of someone whose
modest fame he himself had created;
nevertheless, he took time to give us
some history: "The Museum of Mod-
em Art was the American missionary
PI/ìp/pp/, something like that. Lately a biogra- the cover of the magazine. Bo walked in the
phy was published of A. A. Mime. who wrote door of the studio and, without saying a
)'//)//Iil/,çI ïciiìi/iiil, ,'enie,iihe,'.'
the Winnie-the-Pooh books. This biography word, held up five fingers. In fact, he loos-
made it clear that those books, cherished by ened up and gave them ten minutes, and '
iR
il!
YOKEL
,,iEl
Flom's was a cuiet life, its greatest tur-
moi! long since past.
Flom's favorite diversion was playing
chess. Several times a week, when Flom
mon Era" would be a better clue (than 'civil COUCH CH I NATOWN didn't have to see a doctor about his
engineer"), since that term and its abbrevia- U N R H O X N A
heart condition, he would take the sub-
tion. CE. , seem to hc replacing Itsmo Domini, OHILI N OII1L lINIE RH
way to midtown and play chess on the
or tt.D. Scholars are also saying B.C.E., for u T S i i O i
Before Christian Era, instead of B.C. , for ÏIHYISITER sidewalk of 42nd Street near the New
York Public Library, much as old men
knight fork and other gambits. Twenty charges for factual insuciency, corn- radioactive Cow ,
s .
minutes later Flom had his opponent in menting, "The cop must be out of the FromHell!
l00% cotton tee i"
checkmate. As agreed, the fellow paid academy for two days." The judge HtL
S/MIL/Xl $13.95 i
his money; then, as soon as Flom pock- quickly agreed, ruling rhat proof of DR. SCIENCE
eted the cash, the clean-cut young man gambling was not spelled out clearly in GIFT PACK
Big Book of
informed the pensioner that he was the complaint. Science . Sampler
under arrest. All at once, a team of New The proceeding zoomed past Florn. cass.. Masters
Degree. Button.
York Citys finestar least four of- When everyone stopped talking, he anda I)%
ficersswooped down on Flom from spoke up. The official transcript cap- cotton Tee or
several directions, slapped him in hand-
cuffs and read him his rights. Arkady
tures his confusion: 'They arrest me for
48 hours. I am a very sick man. I got
P Ç 50/50 Sweat
(S/M/L/Xl).
wiTeeS27.95
w/Sweat $32.95
Flom was under arrest for promoting two heart attacks. I told them and now V,'.
gambling in the second degree and for I gotthey arrested me. I am not a THE DR. SCIENCE
possession of a gambling device, his gambler. I play chess 40 years. I never BIG BOOK OF SCIENCE
For my money.. .iltefunniest book
chess set. was a gambling. They put my case thai came out all year" (East Bay Express)
He was loaded into a paddy wagon nowwhat does this mean?' Illustrated. 206 pp $9.95
and cuffed to a chain. Soon he was "I think you ought to talk to your DR. SCIENCE MASTER'S
joined by other public menaces; the lawyer," the judge replied. And with DEGREE...IN SCIENCE! $3.75
wagon became so crammed that when it that, Arkady Rom's first bout with IAN SHOALES' PERFECT WORLD
stopped, everyone inside tumbled on American justice came to an end. Flom A day in the fantasy life of Americas
top of one another. After five hours at now has an attorney of his own, a chess super-cynical 'Seer of Sneer
the precinct house, he was moved to a player who frequently represents Rus- (Chicago Sun Tintes) 2O3pp $9.95 ppd
city jail, where he was pushed into a sian-speaking clients. He has filed a SENSELESS CRUELTY
holding pen so crowded that there was wrongful-arrest suit on Horn's behalf (AND OTHER COMEDIES)
no room for him to sit. The small cell A whopping 80 minutes of non-stop
against the city. For their part, the comedic action . including: The Epic
was not air-conditioned. Flom says he police say they just acting on com- Ravioli Western Senseless Cruelly, Ian
pleaded for water; only after several plaints about the chess players along Shoales . Dr. Science. Grudge Hansen.
hours was he given some, in a cup "nor the crowded street. The cops also Goofus & Gallant, and much. much. more!
even clean enough for dogs. ' Worst of Cassette $9.95 ppd
thought that since money had changed
all, the police took away his heart medi- hands, it was gambling. ORDER DIRECT FROM PUBLIC
cation, the pills he is required to take When Flom was finally released, he RADiO'S LEADING FUNNY GUYS!
three times a day. went home by cab rather than take the DUCK'S BREATH
P.O. BOX 22513-SB S.F. CA 94122
Flom spent all Tuesday evening in subway as he usually (loes. "I had chest
the packed cell. That night he was pains," he says, "and I didn't go to the orcharge by phone: (415)621-2725
Call or write forfree catalog!
allowed to place his one phone call. He bathroom all day." His doctor says ALL PRICES POSTPAID
called his relatives. Having been read Flom's heart condition has grown much
his Miranda rights only in English, the worse, and he hasnt played chess since
old émigré did not understand that he the day ofhis )
FEBRUARY 1991 SPY 75
c: ii-u ' Tom Shales steer clear of this event. ,%I I%I
Tragica!ly, the ongoing union troubles at
the New York Daily News kept strange,
ancient Kay Gardella away in Ju!y; che
others had ro do without her always
intriguing press-conference questions
("Were those live corpses?" she asked one
year, after screening the Auschwitz
scenes in War and Remembrance). Indeed,
the biggest tsh on hand were the unas-
suming Matt Roush of USA Today and
Neu York Times TV reporter Bill Carrer,
Twice a year TVS V/Ps who is che spiritua! leader of a clique of I/ejw',ake1h . .
. ji/st like a ¿toman
ratings-obsessed nerds whom their s!ap-
clash peers have unaffectionately dubbed
mo//ycoddle the reporters they Loa/he
'. che Mensa Men."
B Y R
iN-::- T JR.
H1, Bill!," Connie Chung chirped
BY ROBECKIP1ZE when Carter asked a question during
her press conference; no one asked why
a Tirnesman had traveled 3,000 miles to I don't quite know what to make of this
Dance "Da Butt" with CBS Broadcast talk to a network star he could probably idea that a woman made up Yahweh.
Group president Howard Stringer! Be lunch with any day of the week in New On the one hand I say, "Of course!
addressed as "asshole' by Whoopi Gold- York. At the Mensa table during a CBS Why didn't I see it be-
T H E U N-
berg! As everyone lunch, an understandably impressed BRITISH
fore? Behind erny great
.
knows, there are many Eric Mink of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch CROSSWORD manisawoman(rolling
T V free lunches, open bars saluted Howard Stringer and called him PUZZLE her eyes). She didn't
and cruises to the Cay- "Captain." make up a woman God;
man Islands available Days are filled with interminable con- she was too droll for that, What is God
for hardworking journalists; but there's ferences with the producers and talent. but someone to blame unhappiness on?"
only one biannual (January and July), Complete transcripts of these mass inter- On the other hand I say, "Now, wait a
two-and-a-hal f-week , all-expenses-paid views are made available later, ensuring minute."
trip to L.A. for TV reporters and critics chat dozens of virtually identical stories J ust as we're about to go to war with
from around the countryonly one full of insinuations of exclusivity "As Islam (we who, incidentally, have a
"
press junket where they get ro mingle Ms. Fawcett told me. . .
appear deeply disaffected underclass here at
with industry VIP5 (who ordinarily nationwide in the months to follow. home featuring people named Raheem),
wouldn't return their phone calls), pre- At night there are wacky theme par- along comes Yale literary theorist
view new shows and 61e exotically date- ties (bowling night!) where family men Harold Bloom wich these propositions:
lined copy promoting those shows. from the Midwest can be seen sniffing
that J, ancient Hebrew author of
In olden days the networks picked up at starlets in push-up lingerie. At a
what is now known as The Book off
the tab entirely, even staking guests the Twin Peaks fete last summer, a pack of
(from which Genesis and other parts of
occasional hundred bucks to hit the race- reporters hovered for hours around
the Bible derive), created not only
track when things got slow. Eventually Sherilyn Fenn, begging to know if she
Adam and Eve but also Yahweh, lacer
they realized fluff-hungry papers would could really knot a cherry stem with her
to become Jehovah and Our Heavenly
spring for the airfare and hotel bill, and tongue. This is an example of the ritual
Father, not to mention Allah;
that al! they had to cough up was the that network publicists call "being that J was a woman, a friend of
food and drink, a dazzling array of part- crushed by nobodies."
Solomon's son;
i ng gi fts (logo-emblazoned T-shirts, When Peter Weller spotted one of "chat J's account of the Creation and
mugs, tote bags; books by Jackie Collins), those nobodies seated near him at a din-
the Old Man Himself includes a good
and a parade ofquasi-interesting celebri- ner, he became enraged. "I don't want
deal of the old tongue-in-cheek.
ties (Patty Duke) and preoccupied execu- anyone at my I don't know," he
tives (god-of-NBC Brandon Tartikoff). hissed at a columnist from the New I bought the new translation of The Book
The 100-odd members of the august York Times Syndicate. "And I don't off by David Rosenberg wich interpre-
Television Critics Association, of course, know you." After describing a project tation by Bloom, and I must say I'm
cannot be bought. Many, however, can called When the Swelling Goes Down jealous. All I could think to do in my last
be rented for a few weeks, provided (don't ask), lovable old Mickey Rooney book was make up a first female presi-
there's a fleet of stretch limos ready to mouthed the words "Fuck you" to a dent and male first lady. Bloom's made
deliver them to a free dinner at Spago. critic whose questions he didn't like. up a woman who made up God. It will
It's an epic con, even by the standards of No, it isn't all fun and games. But be cenhjiries before the dust settles enough
Hollywood journalism, and the likes of ground-breaking journalism rarely is,) for someone to take the next step and
76SPYFEBRUARY 1991
make up Bloom. ACROSS embraces Ed with
If only Bloom could fancy term for
take J on tour. Would . Funny bear put jokey. (7)
...
that be an Oprab! Proba- back inside tiny crick
bly Jd have to speak cushion, (7) DOWN
5. Going over with
from behind a screen, to
u....
preserve her anonymity
so she wouldn't have to
go into seclusion like Sal-
man Rushdie; but that
would just make her
..
.i uui
u...'.
.......,
u i .
something deadly, ur
not going over at
all. (7)
9. The middle two
words of Hamlet's
i . Burger's big
lie, (7)
2. Somehow box
on debts is
repugnant, (9)
more fascinating. As she
no douL)t realized. u
11 u u uu most famous six
words are also the
3. Blooms bit
deprived of hard
(5)
6. Scornfully, master
birds and fishes and snakes while trying wonder whether in his heart of hearts he money can buy it. (9) of ceremonies
to come UP vith a partner for Adam doesn't occasionally think ofJ as his i i . 'I'axi piled embraces nothing
then, after lots ofpr4ctice at making ani- Molly. Sometimes he does overplay his helter-skelter into regal. (9)
mais, he carefully fashions, from Adam's drunk. (9) 7. Kind of column
hand a bit, referring to "reading J as J"
bone, what was called for all along: a with such zest that I'm reminded of Jon 12. Where Prince like those in spy
woman. "Misogyny in the West is a long Lovitz andi Dana Carvey on Satioday Albert kept referring but without any
to old Peruvian right. (5)
and dismal history of weak misreadings Night Live, as gushy French TV critics
of the comic J, who exalts women empire. (5) 8. Brit novelist has
who seize rapturously on Quincy Jones's
throughout her work, and never more every utterance with exclamations of "Le 13. Siegfried's right to be less
than in this deliciously wry story of cre- Q!" But Bloom is smoother, Catch this: partner comprehends experienced. (7)
sixties chant to be i 4. Wild hysterics is
"J charmingly evades both patriar-
chal misogyny and feminist resentment commodious. (5) response to "Are you
15. Plotter (Russian) being straight with
while insinuating a kind ofShavian wit
backs into snappy me, )udas?" (3,6)
not exactly shared either by Yahweh or
by Adam." Whom does Bloom see as reptile. (9) 16. Scathing,
- -
SPY-s GUIDE TO BEING PHOTOGRAPHED IN
PUBUC(ANONGOINGSERIES)This month,
two techniques for the unnaturally
short public figure who wishes to be
perccived as talL. (i) Ask a genuinely
Era
tall public figure to squat or slump next to you when paparazzi are near, as Carrie Fisher
has done here with Matthew Modine. (2) lfyour companion is noticeably taller than you, in-
struct him or her to stay several feet behind you at all times and to walk knock-kneed if possi-
ble (as socialitewar criminal Henry Kissinger has done here with his giantess wife, Nancy).
I to two nighttime-soap-
etton at the Cen-
trat Park Zoo.
II
,
!I.((' opera stars to define the
styles ofthe 1970s and early 1980s with time-warp perfec-
tion. (i) Patrick Duffy of Dallas does the Disco Decade
proud with his tuxedo shirt worn unbuttoned co reveal sexy
chest hair, European-look purse tucked discreetly under
one arm, chunky gilt chain bracelet and snazzy aviator-
style sunglasses. (2) In a cleaned-up-punk look, circa 1984,
Baywatch's David Hasselhoff caught by photographers
i n a completely spontaneous, u nguarded moment - sports
rolled-up T-shirt sleeves, a handy shiny leather hip pak, and
sunglasses on a decorative and practical "leaslf around his
neck. Groovy!
FINGER-UCKIN' GOOD As bachelor-pianist Michael Feini.
stein sniggers behind her back, improbable socialite
and bosomy dirty-book writer Shirley Lord, momen-
tarily flustered, attempts to in- sert the
.
wrong end of a fork into the / ' mouth of FORCE OF HABITKitty Dukakis rolls up her sleeves, takes
a tall, sturdy young chef. a deep breath and listens to a few words of moral sup-
port from LBJ biographer Robert Caro before put-
ting herselfon display at
The Plaza as the author
ofa humiliating, exces-
sively revealing memoir.
DUDE! After amusing guests
at his Better World Society
awards dinner by (i) um-
boing under an imaginary
CHECKING OUT THE COMPE-
pole while waving a wine
TITION Old-fashioned glass in the ai New Age
couturier Carolina Her- mogul Ted Turner was
rera inspects the dé- (2) hauled away by his
colletage of che future cosmetically capital-inten-
as conceived by retro-mod dress designer sivegirlfriend,Jane Fonda,
Isaac Mizrahi. as concerned cameramen
looked on.
, .
.
-
TRUMPStill skittish about
appearing in public with
Police Academy Vil Oscar
hopeful Marla Maples,
Forbes 400 dropout Don-
aid Trump prefers going on group datesthat
is, he routinely invites haifa dozen or so of his
dearest friends to accompany him and Maria.
At Ted Turner's dinner, the pair was joined by
(i) a large friend with a bushy mustache, (2) a
very large friend in a shiny suit and earphone
and (3) an even larger friend who scowled and
wore a black mustache.
At the National Re-
view's 3 5th-birthday
party, tiresome New
York Times columnist Abe "I'm Writing
as Bad as I Can" Rosenthal and boule- TOP THIS Now f
vardier Tom Wolfe took turns shaking every would-L
editor William F. Buckley's hand while boytoy from
making funny faces at him. Dianne BriO to
Maria Maples
has copied her
profoundly un-
flattering hair
style, ivana
Trump has pei
sonalized her loc
with a unique, b
ward-facing curlicuc
cowlick.
TRANSCRIPTION OF GHWB
DICTAPHONE RECORDING
117-1090
Ah, Dear OCTOBER 1990
Dictaphone.
This on?
Okay?
Not my idea--these
Rollins--than some thoughts. Almost rather talk
Ìi Dictaphone--or
those, except for the even do a nation talk to Gingrich or Dole--or
from the Oval. (And
E
smile? Or to not chair. Just
. . .
? What are they awful. Why do they I
Reminds me of Dad.
And the other talking about? Hate keep that
telling me to
actually wanted to tape night, for the fussing.
said, and I'm the my hands to Iraq one, Ailes with the--he
the--to the desk. And
negative, to Ailes,president? And millions out there. what if I
itched, I
waving my hands around so No tape, I said,
thing--won't stop nagging he got it.
suits, period, next me about the Sig Rogich, the same
rib-soled
suggestions always coming question. Those two and the shoes--they go jj with the
read a at me on others and
poll.) that image thing, and I all these
And so now there's have never even
these diaries to do--when
something. Moving things I could be out
everyone's gonna want forward.
Separating things out. compromising on
says that memoirs, and But Bar
Marilyn Quayle just did even Millie did her says that
president was going to do a novel, and didn't best-seller. And Baker
a book one day? I
president," and he always suppose even the vice
things, I think, but I (Jimmy always
pronounces it slowly. One of calls him "the vice
that's when I did let it go.) And so his
it--did the 180. even though I wrote divisionary
Quayles? So I'm Springer spaniel memoirs
That's the idea. doing this, and maybe it will authors--deal with already,
it. But
expand out into a book
And by the way, someday.
told me--his Quayle's--those polls that I
rating's still worse than never--in this case
And also, I'm tired mine. Sununu
of all Quayle.
Denver Snub, as they're this--let me state
that I did. calling it, of something on that
The fundraiser a few weeks the first son, that so-called
Senate-candidate guy, out at the ago in Colorado I--that they say
that Neil was there? for Hank
Not on the Convention Center? Okay: Now. how Brown, the
Gingrich, guest list. Listen, did I know
governmental got things on my mind--
leaking all over the secjuesterization, troops all
not--and so we're papers. So how was I to know? over the Saudi, Baker
there, I Sharon's on the list,
come in, and there's but
daughter-in-law, Sharon, say hello to
tugging. Pulling and everything's warm and the
close, family, and
pulling at the tugging at my sleeve--Neil. then. . . a
sleeve--Neil. I mean, As I went
purpose. Didn't see him. Didn't where are by. Tugging and
is, right there. And his--I didn't
expect him (the list). walk by him
the figure of a father. I'm--when I And
see him, I'm suddenly there he
But he's still totally parental all the
thinking--Little League, me not looking hurt (and I know way,
damn there, even though I what he's
years ago) . Anyway, he
for me--Neil tugs, and then later both explained and it's 25
and Sharon, of them
chauffeurs. moping out there at the waiting outside
full Embarrassing. Neil reads the exit. Like
support. A hundred a couple of
like this. Kids. papers, knows he has
percent--on the Silverado. my confidence,
Gotta go. Gotta call But he's out there
and Gorbachev lurking
they're a disaster on the Nobel
pick up the red phone area, so he thing. I don't
get it--we win,
and say "Nice gets the prize and I'm the one
sawed-up Pic-47 from President goin'." And if I don't that has to
Chamorro, I think Bar's hang up that framed
GHWB:gk gonna go ballistic.
.
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