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November 1991 Contents 6

Depirthìellts

GREAT EXPECTATIONS ..............

NAKED CITY
Six-figure hanky-panky at Random Houst .. Liz Taylor's wedding
fuss. Steve Ross, gridiron star? Desert Storm II: The Merchandising. I )ouglas Wilder chats
, about cheerleading, Marion Brando and "Lets Get It Ui Jesse Helms is sent 1.
'
packing. Plus: could a putsch happen here? .......... Q
PARTYPOOP .................. Q ThE COVER
t.Ip_,I, See page 82.
-

Fatiires

MURDER, WE WROTE: SPY INVESTIGATES A HoMIcIDE

In the middle of their hitter divorce trial, Palm
Beach millionaire James Sullivan's wife was mysteriously shot and killed; the
widower's behavior then and now has been mighty suspicious. The case is still
open, but the FBI is closing in, thanks tojoHN CONNOLLY'S remarkabk investigationinilii4
ing a recent week as Sullivan's mansionmate ............................. Q
GOD SAVE THE QUEENNOW SHE'S RELATED TO WALTER MONH Eli!
What do down-on-their-luck European gentry do
h)r money? Sell their titles. Who buys them? Social-climbing Americans, of course
including Hugh Heiner's wife and, assisted by MICHAEL MOYNIHAN, a certain mono-
cle-sporting, publicist-friendly movie reviewer ......................... Q
BE HERE THEN
p. Those were the days! 1960s-styie clothes, 1940s-style movies, 1970s-style
music, 10,000 B.C.°sstyle Men's MovementsJAMEs COLLINS fondly recalls the
nostalgia glut of 1991 ................................................. Q
PLEASE LJUNT tAT MUQU URNAMENTS
These may be the 1990s, but most oftis still drive and still ai meat. TONY HENDRA
has created politically correct holiday recipes that bring nw ni aning to winier squash,
mincemeat pie and median strips ........................................ :

Colifinils

LAUREEN HOBBS presents PrimeTime Liz''s dentist/coexecutive producer in The

Webs; JEFFREY RESSNER looks at Disney'c emharr;issing!y un-Disncyish Music label; CELIA
BRADY profiles Paramount's prodigal son in The Industry; J. J. I IIJNSECKER explores an
artful conflict of interest at The Times ............................. Q
HtMPIIRY GluiriIioN edges out Eustace Tilley in
Review of Reviewers; JohN Bitotii considers an unusually odd, ugly six-
month designer marriage in Divorce: Ri':ii CoIIIN Xj)OSCS the Ninja Turtles'
(1mg Problems fl Crime: and Live White Male Ro BI.ouNr JR. struggles to
get with the )r()grLfl1 ....................................................... Q
OVAL OFFICE DIARY
George Bush compares himself with his predecessor and Barton
Fink. c;IoR(;I KAI.x;1RAKIs engrosses .................................... Q
-

spy r,"\ ¡ :-. I',lt-d r.'I- . (xLLï'T I.n.'r J .,: t ')') h. ( ti. i lu PY Building. 5 Ur.i'ia square
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65o ' i -i-- *« t \, ' ' '. ;.. \ Y ii ri*.,. i ..:f, ..'.tr i.i. '.t:'. r. it:.i ries: Uniced Stats an.I .......
' ' ' '- PET. Siti Send I«i.iS n. '.i'\. I.St Otij 14,.x gi'. -I ..
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BY LAW) CALL 1-8(
: RANNEUTRAL SPIRITS. 1O CAP
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 ostartE N° òutdoor cross'training.
lo. Last stream you saw was on a bottle of BEER.
_..
9. Big fat guy at gym started wearing LLNA bRIN IIUMI.
8. No HOT DOG vendors on trail.
7. Less likely to run into people you owe MONEY to.
6. Few FOREST CREATURES have cellular phones.
5. Thumper's zany sense of HUMOR.
4. No BAUHAUS architecture ¡n nature. A I R
3. Deer doo is smaller than DOG DOO.
2. After òne hour on STAIRCUMBER you're still on the same floor.
1. The new AIR ESCAPE outdoor crosstraining shoe from Nike.
The Air Escape can take you scampering up
mountains, dashing along trails, pedal.
Ing across ridges, or over the river and
through the woods to Grandma's
house. You get the idea.
For more InformMlon on ACO, All Condi.
r -
tlons Gear outdoor crocs-training
--- footwear and apparel, call
i-800-255-8ACG.
.- OK?
I.
 WE TRY, WE FALL; WE TRY HARDER, WE FALL
Giat Expectations
AGAIN; WE JUST CAN'T GET IN STEP WITH THE
NINETIES. WHEN IT IS REPORTED THAT A PAIR OF
Florida 19-year-olds beat a deer to deatha member of an
endangered deer specieswe are momentarily horrified, sure,
but when we hear that the boys have just been sentenced, re-
spectively, to ten months and a year in federal prison, we are
more horrified. When it is reported that a woman in northern
-_
California has formed a lobbying group called Citi-
k
zens for a Toxic Free Marin, we passingly wish her
I well, but when we learn that her goal is to make
public perfume-wearing illegal"Most people
don't say anything. They just suffer. But I'm
.
angry"we want to lease a crop duster and drench
her home in a thick Giorgio fog.ÇiBut the truth is, we aren't
L)
yet experiencing the full-bore ninetieswe're still groping around
.
'I

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the cusp between the eighties and nineties, a time of high-

minded lip service and coldhearted cynicism, of cozy plati-
tudes and undiminished greed, of Republicans talking like
O V
Democrats ("We have caring instincts," a Bush-administration
-' 4_I

apparatchik said, discussing the homeless) and Democrats

talking like Republicans (Wilder, Tsongas), of
lightweights striking earnest poses, of Clarence
Thomas. When the large cosmetics companies recently
announced they'd be expanding their makeup lines for
women ofcolor, the Times asked Linda Wells, the white
ed i tor of A hure (the eighties- i n to-n i neties-cusp maga-
zincno-nonsense journalism about eyeliner and
clutch purses), what it all means. "'X'hat is happening,"
she said, "is both very superficial and
important " Ç Important superficiality w
.

the eighties; superficial importance is the

nineties. During the first halfof 1988, 93
American corporations changed their
namesmore than in any year before or
.
.
since. During the first half of 1991, only 462
_
companies changed names, the fewest in nearly
:
. a decade. Earlier this year, Western Union be-
came New Valley. It sure sounds very now
hopeful, ecological, old-fashioned. But the
main point was deception: because the corn-
:

NOVEMBER 1991 SPY5

pany is in such straits, it wants ro
make sure consumers won't connect
the bad news to the new name.
J erry Brown is neither very
superticial nor very important, but
he is running for president. (Speak-
ing of avoiding negative-brand-
identification problems, has he
thought of reverting ro Edmund
Brown Jr.?) Pat Caddell, the evil po-
utica! genius behind the doomed
McGovern, Hart and Biden presi-
denrial campaigns, is working with
Brown. ' His ego needs," says Cad-
de!! of California's former governor
and Linda Ronstadr's former boy-
friend, "are different frm other
politicians'. His ability to dissociate,
to step out of himself, is greaterto
say, Here is a role that is important,
[but one in which) if you lose, you
don't lose.' " When you put it that
way, how can voters not want to elect
him presidenti (Or will they pick
bachelor No. 2Bob Kerrey, Ne-
braska's former governor and Debra
Winger's boyfriend? Or bachelor
No. 3Wilder, Vi rginias governor
and Pat Kluges former boyfriend?)
If 44e £ØP"
o j5oYV
I
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1/ I ie
The current president has nomi-
nated Robert Gates to run his CIA.
As an alibi for Republican-adminis-
tration officials, Ï /ont recall didn't
work in the seventies for the Water-
gate criminals but worked great in
the eighties for Reagan. Gates is
using it as he tries to stonewall con-
cerning the Iran-contra scam, but
unfortunately he doesnt have Rea-
gan's senile huggabiliry (
superficiality or importan
back up the memory-lapse
claims. One of his fellow
CIA officials testified that
he had a conversation with
Gates about Iran-contra. "I
have no recollection of it
myself," says Gates. Another
fellow CIA official says he
told Gates Iran-contra sto-
ries and remembers Gates
talking derisively about
North. 1 have no recollection of
making those statements. ' How
about the White House computer
message between North and a corn-
patriot that referred to what Gates
was told about Iran-contra? "I do
f%t%YU5
Ils
J-kIY
,ww
not recall this conversation. ' And
an agenda for a White House meet-
ing that mentions a ship used i!!e
gaily to suppiy the contras with
weapons? "I have no recollection of
this meeting. ' So the next director
of Central Intelligence either can't
remember anything or can't lie con-
vincingly.
Norm Schwarzkopf says the
was pretty useless to him
last winter. And given the
choice between button-down
professional dissemblers like
Gates and jolly, impolitic
brutes like Schwarzkopf,
we'll go with the killers in
uniform. When we were
roiling into Kuwait on our
way to victory, Army tanks
systematically plowed under
hordes of Iraqis cowering in
trenches. The Army's offi-
cial response: Sofucking what? ' Peo-
pie somehow have the notion that
burying guys alive is nastier than
blowing them up with hand
grenades or sticking them in the
gut with bayonets," said the per-
L
4
fectly named Colonel Lon Maggart.
"Well, it's not."
Or any nastier than nuking
diem? Asked about the problem of
controlling nuclear weapons as Sovi-
et central authority disappears, in-
relligence analyst Peter Wilson
sounded as if he were talking to a
reporter from My Y'eekIy Reader in-
stead of the The Wall Street Journal:
"This is sort of like The Twilight
Zone. We've gone through a door,
and now we're in another dimen-
sion.' Marshall Goldman, director
of Harvard's Russian Research Cen-
ter, was asked about the Soviet re-
pub! ics' becom i ng sovereign nude-
ar states. "Hey," Goldman said,
"we're called the Russian
Center." In other words, the
superficial is important.
Microsoft chairman Bill Gates,
the richest human under 40, can't
watch Gorby and Yeltsin on
line;Gates has made his multibil-
lion-dollar fortune in the electron-
ic-gadget-and-video-screen indus-
try but doesn't own a TV set. Well,
TV is, after all, almost exclusively
r.'
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superficial and unimportantbut
Gates bragged about his TV-lessness:
"I doubt if I'd finish The &OnomiiI
every week if I had a TV sitting
there!" He didn't complete his
thought ( . . . if! had a TV sitting there
te?liptiìlg tue with Star Trek rerwzs),
but we have a winner nonetheless:
Bill Gates, Geek of the Year.
If we didnt own 1'Vs, we would
have minimized our exposure this
fall to La Toya, the unsuccessful
J ackson. La Toya published a mem-
oir, and Jack Gordon, her ferretlike
publicist and quasi-husband, has
nearly made good on his shocking
threat that "from September to Oc-
tober i 5, every news show and talk
Research show is going to be La Toya. " Alac-
Neu/Lehrer may be a holdout for
now, but as soon as she agrees to
talk about how National Security
Council staff' members used to ritu-
Night- ally spank her, watch out.
While every news show is La
Toya, professional football players
are reati i A . E. Housman's poetry.
New York Giant Lawrence Taylor
spoke recently about his intention
L.: 'J
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.
,
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.
I
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to retire before he's a wreck. "I re-
member reading this poem a long
time ago," he said, "about an athlete
dying young." In the locker room
the tight ends come and go, talkiiì
of Brian Piccolo.
Once it was Housman and Eliot,
now it's pseudocelebrity memoirs
and, ub, performance art in Wiscon-
sin. G. G. Alun, the 34-year-old lead
singer of the band the Toilet Rock-
ers, was convicted in Milwaukee of
disorderly conduct. The jury wasn't
persuaded that defecating onstage
and throwing feces at the audience
was constitutionally protected artis-
tic expression. James Baker didnt
toss his feces at reporters on his way
back from Israel recently, but he
came as close as secretaries of State
customarily get. With regard to Is-
rad's settling the West Bank, Baker
said, the U.S. doesn't want to "indi-
cate one inch of flexibility beyond
the six points that we have proposed,
which are damn forthcomingand
you can use the word damn. " An im-
portant policy point, an emphatically
superficial punch line.
 Kurt Andersen
THE SNAP OF
Susan Morrison
xF V

!Ull
B. W. Honeycutt
,; )RIÁT(IC

Jamie Malanowski
-

Lorraine Cademartori

JA!!
VV

George Kalogerakis
V

James Collins Joanne Gruber David Kamp

çErnR DrTnRs
Harriet Barovick
IN THE 90's Illip nl' FF'IÁ5( II

Nickt Gostin Matthew Weingarden

Daniel Carter Marion Rosenfeld Damon Torres

A5IA%I Alti i>tM.i lUll PRODr(TO EDITOC PRUI)i(lKJN A?.M)(IATS
John Brodie John Cennolly
i.ir eiiu

Michael Hainey Andrea Rider (Washington)

Ted Heller Wendell Smith Wendi Williams

Pliulu iA V
i-AOCIiC
Gina Duclayan

Nian Fish Brian Jacobsmeyer James Rosenthal

"t\Ct5 -. . I..ttttS ti3 !t 4 0(11 A.is1A?i5

DAVE GRUSIN Paul Ehe Nancy Keating Andrea Lockett

t i)V
THE GERSHWiN CONNFCTION Cathy Clarke Dave Moore Bill Wilson
ari A' .\
Walter Monheit Laurie Rosenwald
'. .
.

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.
.

I)<,bA1 AMI ti
Meg Cohen Robinson Everett Linda Sue Farber
Susan Homer Daniel Radosh Alden Wallace
¡':ti R''

Andy Aaron, Henry Alford, Sara Barrett. Aimée Bell, Harry Benson, Barry Blut, Roy Blount Jr.,
Celia Brady, E. Graydon Carter, Edward Jay Epstein, Bruce Feirstein, Drew Friedman, Tad Friend,
Fred Goodman, Humphrey Greddon. Steven Guarnaccia, Bruce Handy, Charlotte Hays, Tony Hendra,
Lynn Hirschberg, Laureen Hobbs, Ann Hodgnian, J. J. Hunsecker, Howard Kaplan, Melik Kaylan,
Mark Lasswell, Susan Lehman, Natasha Lessnik, Guy Martin, Patty Marx, Patrick McMullan,
Mark O'Donnell, David Owen, C. F. Payne, Joe Queenan, Steve Radlauer, Paul Rudnick, Luc Sante,
Harry Shearer, Randall Short, Paul Slansky, Richard Stengel, James Traub, Rachel Urquhart,
Ellis Weiner, Philip Weiss. Anne Williamson, Ned Zeman and Edward Zuckerman, among others
(()'Riv ii,, luiIoK
DAVID BENOIT
SHADOWS Gerald L. Taylor
pesvini '- nt 5.1I1R

Elaine Alimonti
AI)SSK . .
V'SV5iR

Adam Dolgins
M.vec ..........

Patty Nasey

Michael Collins Hilary Van Kleeck

Gerry Kreger (Los Angeles, 213-933-7211)
V

V RIPIENT',TI5'5

Geoffrey Reiss
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Randall Stanton Jeftery Stevens

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Susan Mitchell Kristen Rayner

CHICK COREA ELEKTRIC BAND or,ui i. MANA(..IR A'.SISTAI pC[)(( liON MANAGOC
BENEATH THE MASK Jeffrey Estilo
il, )OKKEEPES
Wendi Carlock Michael Lipscomb Kristall Richardson
,, .... . . .
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AvaiIabe on GRP Compact Colin Brown Richard Kanar Jill Pope Ricardo Robles
'rrit.v A'
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C199 ()RP Records. Inc. Janakorin Holllngshead Rob Rooney
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 Coutribiltors

"I'm iiitcrcsted in
slapstick; I try to get
them at their goof-
iest," says phorogra-
pher MARINA GARNIER,
who has taken many
of the photographs in our Party Poop
section and was the principal photog-
rapher for SPY High, our paperback
yearbook parody. For this issue she
accompanied Laird Walter of Glenea-
gles to his lunch at Mortimers.

TONY HENDRA may be

best known as Ian
Faith, the dissem-
bling manager of Spi-
nal Lp; he was also
___________ editor of Natio,ia/
Lampoon during a few of its golden
years. His holiday-roadkill recipes
in this issue are part of his ongoing
work as a self-described animal-
rights activist; next he begins his
campaign to "extend the vote to all
nonhuman Americans.'

MICHAEL MOYNIHAN,
who in this issue
writes about hard-up
aristocrats who sell
their titles, claims he
has nothing personal
against royalty"Fve just met a lot
of strange Europeans. " He has writ-
ten for Harperi and Cosiopo1itai,
and is working on a mystery novel
set in the New York art world.

rIROBERT RisKo believes

a serniiìal experience
_at
in the development of
his neo-Cubist illus-
I-'
tration style was his
. platonic date with an
ancient Gloria Swanson, who'd in-
vited him over to see her cartoon
collection: "It was like Norma
Desmond, only more bizarre. She
kept talking about her makeup.'
Risko, whose work also appears reg-
ularly in Vanity Fair and Rolling
Stone, has illustrated our Playboy
Mansion foldout, our "Hizzoner!"
board game and our monthly Indus-
try column. )
 Froiii 11w SPY iIrooiii
Some readers may not be
aware of the terrible power struggle
for the editorship of si being waged
via the United States postal system.
We thought we'd explained, to our
own satisfaction, the matter of mail
addressed to a mysterious Mel
Mandell, Editor. spi' (see this space
last month) by concluding that this
Mandell fellow liad in fact run the
magazine in the fifties. Yet he
continues to receive mail here at 5
Union Square Westa recent press
release advised him that 'machine
tool builders and distributors from
the U.S., Europe, and the Pacific Rim
were aniong the [1991 Detroit
Advanced Productivity Exposition's]
353 exhibitors" and his palpable
presence around the office makes it
difficult for the more fretful among
us to take vacations or even go out
for lunch. Linger too long over that
espresso around the corner and
suddenly someone is in your chair
with his feetMe/ Mandell's feet,
let's not be coyon your desk.
Or maybe they're not Mandell's
after all. Because the plot has
thickened, once again courtesy of the
U.S. Mail. 'A Neuronic Reasoning
Machine (NRM)which lias been
dubbed a silicon brain'recently
was introduced to the U.S. market by
Anthony J. (Tony) Richter, ari
Australian who is an industrial
psychologist, inventor and
entrepreneur," began a recent query
letter from someone in Illinois. Our
initial reactionfina//y a writer to do
justice to NRM!was almost
instantly replaced by nausea when
we noticed whom the query was
addressed to: Robert C. Glazier,
Editor, spy." We'll keep you posted
whíle Glazier and Mandell go at
itimaginary beings, perhaps, but
we're updating our résumés and, you
know, just sort of getting the word
out. anyway.
,,spY \OVIMBER I',').
Letters to SPY
ouIsIaHa HayWIre
Thank you for your timely and pow-
erful exposé of David Duke ['Con-
duct Unbecoming a Racist," by An-
drea Rider, September). I've just re-
turned from a vacation in Louisiana
and was shocked at how widespread
the support is for this dangerous op-
When we were both stu-
dents at Louisiana State University,
living in the same dorm and enrolled
in ROTC as cadets, he was already
provocative, irresponsible and totally
self-centered. His racism under-
mined the morale of our integrated
ROTC unit, and he was ultimately
dismissed from the Corps.
As Hitler did in Germany in the
1930s, Duke is cunningly playing on
the frustration, fears and hardships of
the downwardly mobile whites of
Louisiana, whose economy has been
poor since 1985 oil-market col-
lapse. If he becomes governor of
Louisiana, he will immediately begin
looking beyond the stare borders.
Theodore A. Korrne-, ¿VID.
Iou'a Cuy. Iowa
Where llaffllly Is Jib i
Your rtrait of Gerald Ford ["Rent-
a-President," by Philip Weiss, Au-
gust} was right on the money. I had
occasion to meet him several years
back in Palm Springs, when I was
editor of (hold the chuckles) Modern
Floor Coz.'erings magazine. Speaking
to an audience of carpet kings, Ford
was a yuk a minute (rumor was he
had Bob Hope's gag writers working
for him) but totally forgettable. In
the receiving line afrerward, his de-
meanor changed from cordial ro
steely as I asked for an autograph for
a friend who was then dying of can-
cer and collected autographs. "I
don't give autographs," he muttered,
his tone urging me to move on. It's
nice to have the real Ford laid our
for all to see.
A'fichael Karol
Neu' York
It hardly comes as a surprise that
Ford doesn't spend much time hob-
nobbing with the intellectual elite
these days, but rather whiles away
his golden years in the company of
Sun Belt seniles like Hope. lt seems
doubtful chat any of our not-yet-dc-
ceased former presidents spend much
time kicking back with the guys
down at the Brookings Institution or
the other think tanks. If we look at
the men who have served in the Oval
Office over, say, the past 30 years, we
realize that any one of them, except
perhaps Kennedy, would look corn-
pletely appropriate behind the wheel
of a Shriner's go-cart. Carrying his
perceived anti-intellectualism to an
extreme, Ford is thumbing his nose,
in the only way he knows how, at the
eastern establishment that made his
name synonymous with laughable
ineptitude. There's not much else he
can do to rise above such a past.
,John 'WyethJ:
Boston, Mas.cac/,tise#s
As forJFK, maybe not behind the u heel
of a Shriner's go-cart, bier boiL.' about in
an RV. with a uct bar.2
If you were a Girl Scout injured or
dying in an overturned bus, wouldn't
it be your last wish to have sweaty
publicity hound Sonny Bono ['Palm
Springs Future," by Philip Weiss,
August] hunching over you so the
paramedics couldn't reach you?
itni Baldwin
Seattle, Washington
Anhthr SIdE il Boh Dyiao
The question is not "What happened
to Bob Dylan?" but "What happened
to Bob Dylan's generation?" ["The
L J. WRA

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CLEAF'I. SIVIQØFH ArSIO UrSJNIISrAKABLY IEFIESHIl'1G.
SCIALY SELECTED RUMS FROM RENOWkED JAMAICAP ESTATES 4AND BLENDEC O A SUPERIOR DRV TASTE IMPORTED BY CARRIAGE HOUSE IMPORTS LTD SPRINGFIELD N J 40% AIC /VOL (80 PAOOF
The news that one of Bob
Hopes most prized possessions is a
photo of George Patton peeing into
the Rhine ("Palm Springs Past:
Grooming and Tomcatting Tips from
Bob Hope," by Graydon Carter,
August) rang bells with Jim Mulvoy of
Bloomfield Hills, Michigan. " Enclosed
is a copy of a picture I have of George
Patton at the Rhine," Mulvoy writes,
"but it seems that he was either pre-
or post-pee when my picture was
taken. Could this be the same photo
Mr. Hope keeps, or are there more of
the incident?" Well, it's hard to tell
from the grainy photocopy exactly
what's going on. We see five guys
with rounded heads. One fellow seems
to be gesturing toward another one
(offering some french fries,
perhaps?). Some sort of boator
possibly a grain bin, or a large,
floating cafeteria trayis visible a
Free-fallin Bob Dylan," by Joe l:irst Joe Queenan says Dylan's skills
Q ueenan, August). Dylan was always are all but gone, then lie attacks him
a little eccentric, but after being for leaving gems otf of his recent al-
touted as the voice of a generation bums. He discusses Dylan's relation-
that has ended up as it has, the man ship to society's mainstream first to
who wrote "Money doesn't talkit prove his Ufli(1Ue appeal, then to
swears" must be disillusioned to the pro\'e his decline.
point that even he canOt take himself JeJJrey Griaiberg
seriously anymore. Eng/et ood. !"Jew'Jersey
Gary Lee
Marietta, Georgia
?OCtOPI FìxatÌoo?
Dylan has been a pet target of rock In "Piniping Itou by Irvin Nluch-
critics for ten years, yet he was kind nick, June) you say, "Some former as-
enough to give you a few minutes of sociates say Joe [Weider) fixes his
his time. You mock his reticence to contests to suit the needs of his busi-
talk with the press, but look what he ness empire. l-le practically admitted
gets when he does: pointless charac- as much in 1970, when associates
ter assassination. asked him why Schwarzenegger had
Pat McLean won that year's Mr. Olympia title
Garri5on. New York when Sergio Oliva, a black Cuban,
had clearly liad the better physique.
When the late Claud Cockburn Joe smiled said in his clipped
1fl(l

little below the five figures. And we
think we can discern a flying saucer
against a patch of sky (wallpaper? An
unfurled Ace bandage?) in the upper
right-hand corner. As to whether it's
the same photo, we feel we can't say.
"Great" article on Dylan ("The
Free-fallin' Bob Dylan," by Joe
Queenan, August) is the verdict from
Sujata Goetz of Croton Falls, New
York. Great, but not perfect. "You say
twice that it was a 'cool October
evening,' " Goetz writes. "No it
wasn't! It was very hot and humid
with rain!" And, she adds, next time
we should "ask Dylan about being
stuck in traffic after the concert and
how a golden butterfly shot out of the
sky like a shooting star." No it didn't!
It was more beige than golden, and at
that hour it was probably a moth!
On the other hand, Gail Hagen of
Charlotte, North Carolina, hated the
Dylan piece, and directed considerable
anger at the opinions expressed
therein by that "big bag of hot air
named Milton Glaser." Poor Milton
Glaser, who, after all, only supplied
the illustration that accompanied the
article. ueenan is the name you
want, Ms. Hagen. Q-U-E-E-N-A-N.
The cranks were all lined up
for stamps this summer, it seems.
"Regarding your accusations against
guest-edited Private Eye, he would Q uebecois-by-way-of-the-shretl
gather the staff at a pub and ask cent, l put Sergio on the cover, I sell
them who the sacred cows of the day X magazines. I put Arnold on the
were. Someone would mention an
icon like Albert Schweitzer and
Cockburn would yell, "Right! Lets
have a go at old Schweitzer!" This
spirit seems to animate your piece
about Dylan. Let's face it, though:
poking fun at Dylan is like tossing
stones at a toothless old lion. Why
don't you try something truly dan-
gerous, like a profile of everybody's
hero, Springsteen? The material is all
there: his divorce settlement, and
whether it forbids Julianne Phillips
ever to write about him; his earnest
political correctness vs. his Draconi-
an on-tour labor practices vis-à-vis
underlings; his Machiavellian han-
dierscumrock critics, and the rest
of the brownnosing press that lets
him live the unexamined life.
R. W 1'?asband
Heber City. Utah
To live in the public eye would make
most people want to spit in it. Dylan
lives his own life, is allowed to play
his music any way he chooses, and
probably loses little sleep knowing
that he has disappointed so many
people he doesn't even know.
Daniel MeC afferly
Bay Village. Ohio
cover, I sell 3x magazines.'"
Your writer should have been
more thorough in his research. I re-
member the 1970 Olympia quite
well; it rook place at Town Hall in
New York City. Because of the lack
of room backstage, we (the judges)
had to observe both Sergio and
Arnold in the basement, just under
the stage. lt was a close decision.
Arnold won by only one vote. Sergio
was clearly not the winner. He was
good, hut he lacked the overall syrn-
metry and muscularity of Arnold.
I also judged the Mr. Olympia in
1965, '66, 67, '68 and '69. 1 pro-
duced the Olympia in 1973 and '74,
and many other IFBB events. In no
way whatsoever did Joe Weider have
any control over the judging of any
of these competitions.
Torn i%Jinichiel/o
Fort Alyers, Florida
I go back as a judge some 25 years or
so, when various IFBB contests were
held in New York, especially at the
Brooklyn Academy of Music, under
the auspices of Tom Minichiello and
Peter Vita. Believe me, I never took
part in a fixed contest. The prejudg-
ing took place in the afternoon. and

I2SPY NOVEMIiER 9'I

 A TiYTh1 IST WHO
)UCH YOU I

singles! "just

"touch me (all

"too many walls

newest smash,

"
ve. co-written,

performed with

SI
n and energy by

inary artist -

on her solo

o this.n I

CI", 'Q MCM SC

iJ I3ct!J cl/e'ict 1ft

 Entertainment Weekly in the June
restaurant Mailroorn column. just who ripped off
whom?" asks Bonnie F. Home of

eevu Counihiis, Georqia. "You claim to

have orinated the idea of usinq the
496 9th Ave 37-38th baseball-card style to illustrate your
967-7850
stories of high-powered New York
lawyers arid chefs ¡n 1987 and 88,
predatinq EW's use of the cards by
four years....The idea was used
previously by the Bay High School
yearbook in Bay Village. Ohio, to
feature the schools sports records....1
guess the yearbook staff can add
to their list of those paying horriage to
their idea. ' Well, that shows us. We
were under the riiisapprehension that
*_
the thing that made our cards
interestingto us and, later, to
EWwas their application to
rionsports people. But Bay High
School's daring twist-upon-a-
twist sports cards about athletes is
simply brilliant. Yes, by all means add
us to your list.
(Remarkably, we published for five
years without getting the feedback
.,-
from Bay Village we so desperately
needed. Now our lives seem to be full
of Bay Villagesee Daniel
McCafferty's letter. page 12. Guess
the word's got around: there's a New
York monthly that's a dead ringer for
the Bay High yearbook.)
Our August magazine-parody pack,
with its sample pages from ten
different publications, threw some of
our more gullible readers into a ...well,
tizzy is probably the word. Not since
Orson Welles's radio broadcast of The
War of the Worlds, in fact, has such
widespread panic ensued over a piece
of fiction. We thought 'parody" and
'several magazines...each reporting
in its own idiosyncratic voice" on the
opening page would tip people off.
And yet: 'What a screwed-up issue
this is. . . . Page 45? What happened to
Mailer? How did The Raw & the
Cooked get in, and what happened to
the balance of the article? Rolling
Stone on Mailer, continued ori page
-
l
-
149? Only 80 pages. This looks
'
intentional," wrote Bob B. Hurlbut
from Honolulu, and despite that final
hint that lie was ori the verge of a
major revelationanagnorisis, the
Greeks call itHurlbut's reaction is

I; SPY NO'IMI1ER 991

if one judge asked for a recount at w,r

T
the contest at night, it was done. I've .
seen times when the tally of votes
changed and the order of winners
from the afternoon prejudging
changed. This was one reason the
judges were told not to tell anyone
L
who the afternoon winners were.
I remember when Sergio, Arnold
and Franco Columbu were compet-
ing for the Mr. Olympia title. In the
prcjudging, all the judges decided
they would judge at night. Come
nighttime, the judges were still un-
decidedit was agreed the contes-
tants would come backstage in a
well-lighted dressing room, and we
would scrutinize the three competi-
tors again. The winner was Arnold.
Edjubinville
Chicopee, Alassachiisetis
m'in A'I,,chnick replies. " 'There are tian-
Oui ways to fix contests. Theres Joe Wel-

der's u ay, which on the continm,,n of sub- L!

jedive sports judging ranks somewhere be-
julia fordham swept
titeen boxing ii Vegas ana' gymnastics ii Let yourself be swept away by the breathtakIng new album from Julia Fordham.
øresden: he appoints respected individu-
Featuring LOVE MOVES N MYSTERIOUS WAYS (theme from THE BUTCHER'S wIFE).
aIs like Minichiello. then an IFBB pro-
AVAILABLE WHEREVER MUSIC IS SOLD ON VIRGIN COMPACT OISCSSSE1TES C RecotIs Ame,,,ù. !ic
¡iloter anti an owner of the Mid-City
Gym. zthere pnelimina;y judging for the
1970 ¡14,: Olympia n'as held. Minichiel-
loi conflict of izkrest ¿t'as huge. but i 'il
take his word that I 970 was an honest
call. though it's hard to fatho,n hou'
A mold could win by only one vote when
Sergio was clearly noi the u'inne: ' Ed
Jnbinville's defense of the Weiderf .rcru-
ji/es has the same comical logic. Why
weren t the results of the aftetwoon pne-
judging made publicafraid the fans
iiighi figure out icho had the early lead
or something ? Even Jubinville describes
bow the judges titade up the nulr as they
ZIVIl.'

Voices That Swear

Those e!ocjuent words oí "Voices
That Care" executive producer Jeff
Wald [Music, by Fred Goodman,
August) remind me of the days I
spent working at the famous Hotel
L'Ermitage in Beverly Hills
(1982-87). Aller Jeff moved out of
the osli Helen Reddy estate in Santa
Monica, he moved into the STage.
One morning he rang the front desk
to say that he'd just returned from a st1ss OUARIZ IE(HOIOGY . SiAIkESS STEEl ASF. UhIDIR(CTIOAL BEla liI[RAt CRYSTAt WATER-RESISTANT TO 300 FEU BROW SEA E\L

AVALA8L[ AT FI LA BOUTIQUES AND SELECT MAC Y 'S

How to pack for the weekend

Ç\t:

1. j 1___
. -

..

2.

1989 Joseph E. Seagarn & Sons. New YorK NY. BIeided Canadian Whsky. 4Oa Ac Vo4. (80 Proof).

Wanted:
America's
Royal Family
;i'eat 13ritain Is C1UUi(S an(1 I )i. \ 1uit
co iuts a Princess-culu-pol) tar ¡I1i1(1
SLep1Lnic. JOFdafl ls a Ilashy blond
Queen and a motorcycle-iiding King.
In America. however. the King is dead
the Qiieeiì is ¡1(Ifl, and hie onI
knowii Prineess ¡S a yacht.
Etbarrassing? \Ve think so. F1ti.
why (,uw.la( aIUI SI'\' invite you to
choose the first Royal Family of
America.
Just fill in y0U1 choices for King.
Queen, Prince. Princess. Kn ighi and
Court jester on th( attached card. ai1
pre(lict wItt i lo Royal Faiily's first
royal proclamation will be.
(;RNI) PRIZE
Youi viv OWN ROYAl. TITLE
spy will arrange lo nutke you (Illasi-le-
gititnate royalty in SouR-' foreign land.
PLUS...a Wt'(kCU(l for two at the Royal-
toil hotel in New York City, dinner for
two on the Princess Restaurant Yacht,
Iwo (;iw«.Iya( satin robes fit for a
king. a (lay till) to Queens and a copy
of Prince's new albo ¡u. One Grand
Prize-winning entry will be (l)sefl by
a team ofjudges frotii \.
EARLY-HIM) l«)Nl;
The fIrst I 00 entrants will receiVe a
C,r.'wnfl3zia( watch, suitable for coro-
nations.
depressing. No more so, though, than
that of Christine Martin of Brooklyn:
"Where's the continuation of the
article on page 46? Please reply. This
sort of thing really irks me."
C. Mark Hacking of Mississatiqa,
Ontario, wore a sv cap around a mall
and managed to impress a young
woman, who asked if he worked for
SPY. "It would be real decent of you
people if you said you knew me," he
writes. No problem. As anyone can
tell you, C. Mark is the editor of spy.
(Why not? Everyone else is.)
A young friend from Burbank who
also contributes to the nude-babes-on-
bikes magazine Easyriders writes, I
saw your article on the loss of some of
the New Yorkerarchives ['E. B.
Who?,' by Hazel Weatherfield,
August]. Who the hell gives a shit?
You ever read that fuckin'
magazine?" Our friend, J. J. Solari.
continues, "You ever get their
subscription dun? Holy fuckin' shit,
talk about retarded. On the outside it
says, 'Hot diggety! Wow! Hip hip!'
There's this first grader's drawing of
the sun on it, and I'm supposed to be
so fuckin' overjoyed by this mongoloid
greeting that I'm supposed to sit riqht
down, toss my other mail aside, arid
get right to work breaking this thin q
open and seeing what's inside while
bouncing up and down in the chair
and shouting 'Yippee!' Mother
fuck...." A happy union of a magazine
and its target audience.
Some time ago Debra Leigh White
of Milford, Ohio, was the recipient of
one of our subscription department's
"Dear Deadbeat" letters. "The point
was well taken," White tells us now,
and she good-naturedly sent her
payment in with a letter of apology
signed "Debra Leigh White, aka
Deadbeat." Bad move. "Not only am I
now on your mailing list, but I'm also
on every liberal, environmental arid
animal-rights mailing list in the
country as 'Deadbeat,' " she writes.
The moral? Leave the jokes to us.
C O R R E CTIO N
lii October's "Separated at Birth?' we
niisidentified Marlo Thomas's
speculative twin: it was Rita Moreno.
morning out doing things amo
bed had not been made up yet. It
being already 10:00 am., he assured
me that if I didn't get the maids up
co his townhouse that instant, he'd
'throw the fucking bed out the win-
dow. " Thanks for the memories.
rhs Routson
GulfBreeze, Floruii
Before readAug your column, i liad no
fucking idea who Jeff Wald was.
That fucker is the greatest. I respect
a guy who cuts the crap and gets
down to the serious shit without
talking his fucking ass off. It's gotta
be tough to stand up for all-Amen-
can things like broads, beer and
porno magazines while putting up
with tons of fucking criticism from
fuckers who don't give a shit,
Maybe you could do a full fcarnrc
(JI1 Wald in the future'
Tim Goiiber
Cincinnati, Ohio
Lefucking1ent idea.
Liko a Roll/nfl /gg
Your parody Rolling Stone interview
with Norman Mailer was hilarious
and apt ["Coming Soon to a News-
stand Near You," August]. I gave ir
to a co-worker, an avid RS fan, and
said it was an actual excerpt from
RS. He read it and said, "Yeah, so"
Sheesh! What fun is it to mock po-
pie when they don't even get it?
Allison Johnson
Los A ngeles, Cal:/wzz
CaviaP
My So' u:
hUL\LL1U is ir lien and is
.
in the USSR on an extended business
trip. A friend gave me your "Gorby
Lick 'n' Stick Tattoo." I bought your
J une issue looking for more of these
to take to the Soviet Union, but
there were none in it. Can I obtain
50 to loo of them to give as joke
gifts during my next trip?
Anne Williamson's "Mondo
Moscow" was excellent and right on
target! She is to be commended for
lier comprehensive reporting.
Sharroì Po/uiz ¡(J)
San GaLrie/. (.aIi/ir;uia I'
\UVFMIrIK SPY
 There is a difference between writing
something clever and funny and pok-
ing fun at starving people ("Mondo
I
Moscow"]. Those Russians live a hu-
miliating lifeleave them alone!
Jim Fuhrman
Weil Hollywood, California

f Other YoIce Oilier tellers

This will clarify a report in your
September issue (The Usual Sus-
pects]. On May i i , I brought a large
group of children to the St. Patrick's
Carnival in Bedford, New York. As
By "4; we moved through a long line to ride
Brad Fraser the giant slide, one of the children
said tearfully that he'd lost the $20
Directed by
' ticket roll given him by his mother. I
Derek Gold by told him to go back and look for it
and promised to hold his place in
line. When the boy returned, a mid-
CALL (21 2) 477-2477 die-aged bully obstructed his path,
or TICKETMASTER (21 2) 307-4100 throwing his hips to and Ito to pre-
vent the boy from passing. When I
TUES.-FRI.at8SAT.at7& IOSUN.at3&7 instructed the man to let the boy by,
he said something spiteful about my
ORPHEUM THEATRE 2ndAvenue&8thStreet family but allowed the child onto the
slide with his friends. I told the man
that the child was not a Kennedy
(and presumably therefore a less at-
tractive target for his attacks). I did
not otherwise reply, or strike the
man, as he may have deserved. Nu-
merous people who observed his be-
havior toward the child considered
my response admirably restrained.
Robert F Kennedy Jr.
Mt. Kisco, New York
SPY stands by its story.

II,tpi'y ilOtilt AFTER J i P.lI. Congratulations to Celia Brady on

her keen and all-too-accurate piece
"Say It Ain't So,. Mickey" (The In-
PRIX FIXE MENt dustry, August]. Never deaf to crin-
cism, Disney is making changes. The
official unofficial word is that thcyll
DINNER SERVED G NIGHTS soon start letting in filmmakers!
Name withheld
Ltciu MoNHi TO FRIIIAT
Hollywood Pictures
Burbank, California
Available for I)rivut( parties
Address correspondence to spy, The SPY
Call Walter ai 2121929.1630
Building, 5 Union Square West, New
York, N. Y 10003. Typewritten letters are
preferred. Please indude your daytime tele-
231 Varick Street, NYC (1 hloek north of Houston Street) 212/929.1630 phone number. Letters may be edited for
length or clarity. )

18 SPY NOVEMBER 1991

A murder. A marriage. A musical.

Terry Auen Kramer. Charlene & James M. Nederlander,

-a
Daryl Roth & Elizabeth Ireland McCam
present

Barry Bostwick Joanna Gleason

Christine Baranski

Chris Sarandon
Arthur Lurents Charles Strouse RchardMltby, jr.
IDei.jy
Douglas W. Schmidt Theoni V. Atdredge jules Fisher
Clx b1

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DretÑ bi

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The Webs
DarhaII atPí/iiìeliíneLive
Ia?iD

It is late August. The Soviet Union is collapsing your work."

iHt() flCdI. chaos, and Dan Rather has compared the Soviet C/as.ciest-Man-i,z-Televisio,, Update:
Readers may remember that Don
hard-liners to Thelma and Louise. Meanwhile, two network
Hewitt, the high-beam executive
newsmagazine showsABC's PrimeTime Live and CBS's 48 producer of 60 i%linuies on CBS,
Hoursrace to complete profiles of the same man. Yeltsin? Not drove correspondent Meredith
exactlythe subject of the two competing profiles is Don Imus, Viei ra from h is broadcast not because
a New York talk-radio specialist known for his preteen-boy humor. she z'as pregna?it and pio, because she
Imus has developed a huge following in morning drive time, and was a zi'oman but because her re-
one fan who has a Rupert Pupkinlike fascination with him is PT duced workload made her unable ro
keep pace with the show's other
Ian. This summer, Kaplan missed brought in his dentist, Dr. Ron stars. Well, Vieira has just won an
one of PT Live's crucial Thursday- Deblinger, as the latest consultant Emmy for a 60 Mi,zutes piece, which
morning staff meetingsthe show to P1 Live. When he was the execu- is more than Ed Bradley and Morley
airs Thursday nightsand could tive producer of Nightline three Safer can say (Mike Wallace and
not be located for several hours. The years ago, you will recall, Kaplan Steve Kroft also won). Since each (iO
excuse? He was hanging out with regularly asked a New Jersey house- Minutes correspondent submitted
Imus. So when lie learned from wife of his acquaintance, one Mrs. two pieces for consideration and
Imus that 48 Hours was preparing a Fingernian, what cile rhoushr Vieira received two nomina-
segment about morning radio that about his broad it appears 1-lewitt
would include ¡mus, Kaplan quite tent. Apparenti ed a certain lack of
naturally leapt into action and or- tan uses the d gmenralong with
dered his own profile. in much the )unding pettiness
What else has been on our hyper- way he did Mrs. n he refused last
bouc, high-strung news executive's german, only m ring to pay Vieira's
mind? Well, softball. To Kaplan, this The dentist lias itrance fee for the
is serious business. During one game ed ABC News's awards. Naturally,
last summer he ended up in shov-t ington burea 60 Minutes paid for
¡ng match with a Today show em- Kaplan. He 1 everyone else's. Of
ployee after objecting to the length sat in the contr course, it in ìo way
of the lead the NBC player liad taken room during a reflects on Heu'iu's
off first base. On another occasion a least One broad attitude toward
ringer who works as a producer in cast in New Yr women, but the two
Pi. Live's Washington office was in-
structed by coach Kaplan to fly up to
New York for a key contest and
charge the transportation costs to
He has screened
pieces before they
aired, and lie is
confident about
- Don
---
female 60 Mi,i-
tiles producer
nominated alon
with \Tieira hay
Kaplan has brought
ABC. Kaplan's timing was positively his news jtidg- let tlìe show.

Sununu-esque: he told the producer ment. In fact, in his dentist 0n. an Emmy
to fly north on the very afternoon there he was at a as the latest w!nning veteran
that ABC, citing budgetary con- PT Live staff par- was dismisse
straints, dismissed a dozen of his ty, busy working consultant to PT Live
by Hewitt just
ABC News colleagues. the room along few weeks shy o
Okay, an appreciation of jokes with other big shots like ABC lier 55th birthdaythis would save
about erections does no harm, really, News president Roone Arledge. CBS from paying her a full pension.
and one man's bad sportsmanship is Knowing that praise from one's su- At least she can take comfort in the
another man's hustleits the smart, periors is important, lie did not fact that she has another Emmy
savvy, hard-Iii tt i ng jou mal ism that hesitate to pull aside chosen PT nowit was her piece with Vieira
goes up on screen week after week Live staff members and tell them, that won for Outstanding Informa-
that counts, right? Kaplan knows one-on-one, i n a let's-be-serious- tional, Cultural or Historical Pro-
this, of course, and so he has for-a-moment style, "Hey, I like gramming. Laureen Hobbs

20 SPY NOVEMBEK 1')91

 PILSNER URQUELL
CZECHOSLOVAKIA
The Original Pilsne Since 1292

MPO
 Milsic

DisAe's UoIIood [ahel: fIosviIIe, OS

The video for WWIII's "Love You to Death" is Queen albums from the seventies,
pretty routine: women are trapped in cages, are bound by along with the band's next record,
called ¡'uniendo. The album never
leashes, drip hot candle wax on one man's chest and force an-
. , . . went h!ifticr than No. 30 on Bill-
other to suck the barrel of a gun. What isn t so routine is the boa,-/'s charts, despite Hollywood's
source of these images. Apparently this isn't your father's Walt expenditure of $200,000 on a pro-
Disney Company. motion party on the Qiieeiz Mary.
wwIIJ s the first band signed to I lollywood Records, a I)isney Michael Eisner was an honored
pop-rock label that has a very real chance of becoming the most guest. He got a choice seat, right
unprofitable and embarrassing undertaking iii the company's history. between two enormous loudspeak-
After nearly two years of operation, ers that blasted the new album at
the label has yet to achieve a hit. was that successful, it had to have an literally painful decibel levels.
Still, Disney president Frank Wells offshootPaterno chose David Bad-sounding, had-selling rec-
told Billboard last August that his Klein, a man who found it necessary ords aren't Paterno's only problems.
commitment to the music business to overcompensate for his whiteness He has landed in hot water with
would last "forever." One wonders if with the nom-de-jive Dave Funken- both Wells (for letting Funken-
that was before the label's top exec- Klein. In all, approximately 80 em- Klein pursue a recording deal with
utive, Peter Paterno, dismissed Hol- ployees have been hired; the original rapper Professor Griff, the former
lywood's incredible losses by saying, business plan called for fewer than member of Public Enemy booted
"What can we lose in a year$20- half that number. from that group after making anti-
million We've got $700 million. Given the lack ofA&R savvy, it's Semitic comments) and Jeffrey
Who cares?" not surprising that the label's Katzenberg (for allowing
Paterno can almost be excused output reads like a series of " friends' children to eat pizza
for his blunders: this is his first job jokes from a sitcom about a 7' and popcorn inside a new
at a record label. Previously he record company run by nm- fr' screening room on the
practiced lawhe represented the A comedy ¿jr Disney lot). Fortunately
compoops:
J acksons, Jackson Browne and album with songs ( for Paterno, his ties with
Guns N' Rosesbut even then he screeched by Rose- Eisner seem quite strong.
did not seem particularly adroit. anne Barr. A rap al- in fact, says one insider, 'the
Once, in an interview with the Los bum from a group of .
only thing that protects this
Angeles Daily Journal, Paterno felons. The aforemen- .
.
label from oblivion is Eis-
yakked about working with music- tioned WWIII. Stryper, '
ners support."
industry clients who "call me about a washed-up crew of Eisner may see some-
Christian head- DoPia'
thing that ev-
drunkdrivinganddrugbusts."
Paterno came to Disney on the bangers. Holly- eryone else is
recommendation of David Geffen, wood's greatest "What can we lose missing, and he
whose pronounced self-interest and success has come may have the
penchant for scheming should make from the Party, a in a year$20 million? last laugh.
him the last person on earth you'd quintet of 16- Meanwhile, ev-
ask for advice if you were thinking year-olds from We've got $700 million. eryone else is
of starting a rival record company. the Disney Chan- .
Who cares7" laughing. Jon
Once appointed, he complemented nels New Mickey Poneman , the
his weaknesses by assembling a Mouse Club who have achieved mar- head of the Seattle-based Sub Pop
management team composed largely ginal sales chirping Debbie Gibson Records, thought about linking his
of music-biz dilettantes and losers. songs ro the prepubescent set. C()fl1PflY with Hollywood but
The cofounder of a failed indepen- So far, the biggest act signed by backed off. "The most outstanding
dent label became his chief lieu- Hollywood Records is Queen, the thing I remember about our meet-
tenant, and a low-level talent scout bombastic seventies group, for ings," he says, "was that the bushes
recently let go by Capitol became whom there is no noticeable nostal- outside their offices were shaped
the head of A&R. To run the off- gia. Hollywood spent more than like Mickey Mouse and Goofy."
shoot rap labeland Hollywood $10 million to acquire rights to 16 Jeffrey Ressner
22SPYNOVEMBER 1991
 , ,

'-- . lv
.,» ,. , 1 '/ '»f »: ) J

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 Tht Thnes

ls [ODa, Arse-Licker: ¡he Frieos of John Russell

KT i _ - ,. -V- . .

IN U iess insular and vindictive than artists are

siliLig ,
the people who write about them. The Times's stable ofpseudo-
scholarly lightweights is no exception. Michael Brenson,
, . . .
the papers serviceable second-string art critic, finally carne to
this realization and left the Times a year after he was mortifyingly
passed over for the number one job in favor of Michael Kimmel-.
dition is so unusually good as to
make us wonder what a scientific in-
quiry might bring." Russell even had
. the gall to contradict that last caveat:
Scientific analyses (have) dismissed
the very idea that it could be
a. .fake."
.

man, who is perhaps i 5 years his junior. While joins the latest Tarica, infuriated, set out to write
exodus of reporters to begin work on a book, the paper's editors are a book (now almost finished) about
scrambling desperately to find his replacement, tough task given that the episode. Earlier this year he
many decent art writers are unwill- wrote a letter to Russell that said, in
ing to take a backseat to Kimniel- painting whose authenticity had part, "[At the time of the controver-
man. One of the few eager candidates been called into question, most no- sy) Mr. Lauder suggested to [pub-
for the job is Roberta Smith, a third- tably by the London Times. The very lisher Punch) Sulzberger that it was
string reviewer. That she is a woman first person to express doubt about time the Times wrote an article about
counts in Smiths favor at the new, The An,mnciation's origins was a New [the controversy). .You insisted on
. .

grudgingly egalitarian Times, but the York and Paris-based art dealer doing it yourself lanci) the first draft
paper still seems more likely to go named Alain Tarica. In 1984, Tarica you produced was turned down by
with a marquee-value critic like The had advised the cosmetics heir and your editors. because it was"too ag-
. .

New Republic's talented Mark Stevens.
Spookily, the ghost of the Times's evil
art-cnt demigod, Hilton Kramer,
hovers over these proceedings: there
are many talented critics whose un-
popularity with Kramer may still
collector Ron Lauder not to buy gressively biased. Tarica
the Bouts because it might be a .
Ç also alleged that Rus-
fake. The Getrys purchase sell had engineered
therefore called into qucs- the placement of an
tion Tarica's eye for au- entirely gratuitous
thenticationan art .

endorsement of the
count against them. dealer's bread and but- .
Bouts's authenticity
Then there's the looming presence terand he suddenly .
'
in an article about
of the still-active art critic emeritus found his reputation Van Gogh by Glenn
J ohn "the Authenticator" Russell. on the line. ". . Collins: "You gave
Russell has made a second career of Tarica was dealt a the reader no hint [in
toadying to the Getty Museum in further blow when a .
the pro-Bouts article)
Malibu, the richest, arguably most column by Russell '
that you and your wife
powerful private art institution in ridiculed him and were old friends and busi-
the world. The Getty is greatly the "salesroom ness associates of
30h Ii

feared and kowtowed to in art circles correspondent" of Eugene Thaw [a

because it promiscuously hands the London Times renowned New
out grants, acquisitions and scholar- for mounting a York art dealer
ships$167 million in 1990 alone. "campaign of Russell has made a and, prior to the
Russell and his wife, Rosamond quite exceptional Getty purchase,
Bernier, are closely involved with the doggedness
'
second career of toadying to a part owner of
dealers and curators who work with against the Bouts, the Getty Museum the Bouts). I am
the Getty, and Russell has involved "though never in told that Mr.
himself in conflict-of-interest machi- terms that have Thaw gave cvi-
"
nations in the Times that are Arthur rallied any significant support. Rus- dence in the divorce case which dis-
GeIbishly byzantine. sell conceded that "the picture has solved your wifes marriage to
Let's start in 1985, when the undeniably its problematic aspects" Georges Bernier, moreover, Mrs.
Getty acquired The Annunciation, al- but slalomed through these aspects Russell has [found) pictures for Mr.
legedly painted in the fifteenth cen- in record time, with maneuvers like Thaw for many years, regularly re-
tury by the Flemish artist Dieric . . .the iconography, as to which any- ceiving commissions."
Bouts. The Getty paid $7 million, a one who feels like it can whip up a Not surprisingly, Russell respond-
then princely sumespecially for a storm of conjecture," and 'The con- ed with a sneer. "Given the climate
24 SPY NOVEMBER 1991
of fantasy and innuendo in which
your letter luxuriates," reads his re-
cent letter to Tarica, " it is hardly
necessary for me to add that your
sixculations about a putative contin-
u i ng busi ness associat ion between
SUMMER
Mr. Thaw, my wife and myself are
beneath contempt." Taricac effort co
bring the matter before executive
editor Max Frankel brought a simi-
lar reply. "As for your charges
against John Russell," Franke! wrote
to Tarica, "I find them outrageous
and slanderous.
Russdls agenda to protect the
Getry and his own reputation appar-
ently to compromise the
COfl(iflUeS

Tzme5sarts coverage. In August the

Arcs & Leisure section ran a front-
page story about a controversy sur-
rounding a kouros purchased by the
Getty for $9 million some years ago.
The article, written by Kirnmdman,
explored tt length the possibility
that it was a fakeostensibly prov-
ing the 11,nrs can be tough toward
the (iettybut also made a strong
casc: tor its authenticity. What the
article (lidflt 58>' iS chat outside the
Timess arr pages. the issue was pretty
much settled long ago. with experts THE LATEST
such as Thomas Hoving (former
head of the Metropolitan Museum of FROM GEORGE WINSTON
Arr) and Dietrich von Bothmer (cu-
rator of antiquities at the Met) de-
crying the kouros as a fraud. If any-
thing. then, the recent article re- Fificen nev piano solos on Windham Hill
opened the books on a closed contro-
versv and provided the Getty with
an opportunity to save face. I won-
der what eminent Times art critic.
what man who was possibly duped a
few years back by another Getty pur-
chase, was behind the curious kouros On LP,CD,and Cassette
article?
Expect neither Russell flOf the
Gerty wCOflIC forward with answers.

While Russell drops in at West 43rd

Street oricc t month or so to pull
itringc oil !)ehi!f of his rich friends
(you'll recall the extreme UflCtUOUS-
ness of the recent page 1 story on his
pal Walter Annenberg), the kouros
languishes OUt of the public eye, in
the Getty labs, where it will proba- 1991 Vindham 1-lili Prudu.Iiuiis Inc.

bly remai ii rcver, undergoi ng . ..

study. J. J. H;inecker

\OV1MBL}( 9: SPY
 The Iidustry

Parafflouof's
Mopil-hy-Oefaulf

Because movie studios seldom engage in he stayed put. Poor David. Mancuso
joint ventures, the report this fall that two of them would never repaid this loyalty by bestow-
team up to produce a movie based on the 1974 best-seller ing real power upon Kirkpatrick; in-
stead, he promptly promoted Dawn
Alive was noteworthy. The real news, however, was that the stu- Steel, who had been Kirkpatrick's
dios involved were Disney and Paramount, companies with a peer, to head production.
long history of intense mutual loathing. Their relations have Later, when Paramount attempt-
been so touchy that touchiness itself has become an issue. For example, ed to woo a veteran agent away from
when Harry Anderson, Paramount's PR director, was asked about the CAA to become an executive above
rivalry months before the joint venture was announced, he had trouble both Kirkpatrick and Steel, Kirk-
staying on an even keel. "That is ab- patrick had had enough. He joined
surd!" he barked. "That is ludicrous! Kirkpatrick has always displayed J erry Weintraub at his new Wein-
We will not talk about that. We far greater vision in choosing friends traub Entertainment Group.
will have nothing to do with ques- than ¡n picking projects to champi- Poor David. Paramount claimed
tions about chat. They are ridicu- on. During his first stint at Para- that he'd breached his $750,000
bus. They are insane." mount, he associated with Barry contract, and sought to force him to
In war, sometimes, an unremark- Diller (of he seems some- return to Paramount; the suit was
able piece of terrain finds itself re- thing of a pale imitation), Eisner, eventually settled. Meanwhile,
peatedly the scene of battlethink Katzenberg and Simpson. "Eisner Kirkpatrick, with his first op-
of Bull Run. In che Disney- and Katzenberg liked to pu,t - portunity to run a motion-
Paramount dustup, David Kirk- [him] on prestige-client - picture company, stepped
patrick, currently Paramount's pro-
duction chief, plays that role. Dur-
projects," remembers a -
,\V- fN:'\
right up and green-light-
.

\ ed My Stepmoter Is an I

prominent producer,
ing his tenure in Hollywood, the perhaps because un- ç( :s7 \\Alien, Fresh Horses and
'

40-ish Kirkpatrick has worked for like Katzenberg, who \) Troop Beverly Hills. Such
Disney once, Paramount twice, and has always directed a \__.J failures led to friction, and
has been sued by each. He has great deal of his con-
'

Kirkpatrick and Weintraub

worked for Frank Mancuso twice, siderable innate anger literally came to blows;
and for Michael Eisner and Jeffrey at prima donna movie -
k Kirkpatrick finally left, just
"Sparky" Katzenberg twice. Even stars, Kirkpatrick knew ;. before WEG went bankrupt.
so, Kirkpatrick's career hasn't been how to keep talent 'r Kirkpatrick resurfaced at
particularly distinguished. His happy. Indeed, he was
C)
Disney, as the number two
name isn't synonymous with any one of the few execu- '
executive of Touchstone.
box office smash. He isn't known as tives who got .
David and Brandon
Poor David. He
a genius. Those who know him say along with Eddie was miserable
he's charming but often volunteer Murphy, the stu- there, in part
LI,J . k,1Der
£iA5iL_.L Tartikoff is a TVguy;
'." ''
tive, disingenuous snakelike
,
Ima
. g r os s n g
i s t a r, n ey s su ffoca t -
good friend of David's," many peo- with whom he Kirkpatrick has the ing manage-
pie say, and then they proceed to at- appears to have
requisite film relationships ment style
tack his taste, character and impor- struck a lasting '

tance.
He got his first break in 1977,
when Don Simpson, then head of
production at Paramount, gave him
a shot as a creative executive. Kirk-
patrick's career is riddled with
ironies, one of which is that the first
producers he dumped when he took
over at Paramount last fall were
Simpson and Jerry Bruckheimer.
friendship. At
the same time,
Kirkpatrick entered into a friend-
ship with another powerful person,
chairman Frank Mancuso.
In 1984, when Eisner, Katzenberg
and other Paramount executives left
to work their black magic at Disney,
Kirkpatrick considered joining
them; instead, at Mancuso's urging,
Sparky decides
at least with talent which dress
Julia Roberts
wears in Pretty Woman; Sparky de-
cides if Kim Basinger can wash her
hair in Evian water at studio ex-
pensekept him from doing what
he does best, flattering and grovel-
ing before talent. There were also
creative differencesKatzenberg let
it be known, Anything David Kirk-

26SPYNOVEMBER 1991
patrick likes, I don't. Just 16 months
after hiring him, Disney bought
Kirkpatrick out of his five-year con-
tract.
Not a man to harbor a grudge,
Mancuso welcomed Kirkpatrick
back ro Paramount as executive vice
president. Everyone expected that
he would soon be named president,
something that had as much to do
with the studio's turmoil as with
Kirkpatrick's qualifications.
Paramount's stock was falling. A
large number of Mancuso's enor-
mously expensive pictures, includ-
ing Harlem Nights, Another 48 HRS,
Days of Thunder and The Two fakes,
had bombed. Eddie Murphy was al-
lowing himself to be courted by
surprise!Disney. And Paramount's
presiding co-president, Sid Ganis,
who deserved much of the credit for
Ghost, was being undone by corn-
plaints that he was slow and indeci-
sive. Fresh from Disney, where man-
agement efficiency was all, Kirk-
patrick could jabber on about cost-
cutting and rational production
strategy in a way that had to have
been very appealing to Mancuso.
When Ganis was finally purged
and Kirkpatrick appointed produc-
non president, he said the studio
would focus on small, tightly con-
trolled, relatively low-budget
movies. To prove his sincerity, he
terminated Simpson and Bruck-
heimer. Before long, the BMWs
were roaring into the lot before
8:00 a.m. Memos proliferated. New
accounting procedures were imple-
mented. And the studio got busy
committing itself to high-concept,
$15 million, upbeat human
moviesthat is, Disney movies.
When a mid-level executive left
Disney to become a production vice
president at Paramount, it was time
for another lawsuit involving Kirk-
parick: Disney alleged that he had
violated his release agreement, in
which he'd promised not to hire
any Disney employees for two
years. The studio also accused Kirk-
patrick of using classified Disney
information. In Hollywood, where
job tag is routine, the suit seemed
slightly bizarre. Disney later
nv,.,
dropped it; the image of Jeffrey
r
Katzenberg being deposed, talking
under oath about the confidential
information Kirkpatrick had sup-
posedly exploited, was about as
likely as Joe Eszterhas's getting a
Coke commercial.
Anyway, Kirkpatrick in all
likelihood will soon be job-hunting
again (and then its Disney's turn to
hire him!). His days were probably
numbered as soon as Stanley Jaffe
fired Mancuso. Just before Jaffe
took over as president of Paramount
Communications, the studio's par-
ent company, it was Kirkpatrick
who took on the nasty task of
dumping a first-time director of a 626 I 1h Avenue on corner al 46th Slrsit I212)15715
picture in preproduction called
School TiesStanley Jaffe.
Kirkpatrick probably owes his
current survivorship to Brandon
Tartikoff, whom Jaffe installed in
Mancuso's old spot. Tartikoff is a
TV guy; he doesn't yet have all the
requisite relationshipsand as we
have all heard too many times, this
ii a relationship business. The feeling
is that Kirkpatrick has them, at
-
least with talent (at least with
Eddie Murphy). But nobody thinks i__
his contract will be renewed when TheOld I
it expires in 1992. Poor David.
Not that Tartikofi's own Ion- &'tør, C)*rHe.
i
gevity at Paramount is widely ç 4) ¿
11a 'IIA. Wø»k%..
arT
-.---- )br* (rCeLIrC
(\
assumed. The bad-mouthing of c_ .
I
aJIeyqat?o!
Brandon is partly a matter of -
-
Porrt we tQw
archaic barzel.
standard movie-TV class warfare, Lullaby Lilla &.,y
Luis'i11e Leu?
but there's more. When an A-list :'o1a t'c'1a bi
hullabaloo
d i rector-screenwri ter team recently
met with him, he offered them I DECK US ALL WflH BOSTON
loads of terrific ideas. But they I CHARLIE! 100% white cotton T-SHIRT
went away grousing that he had has above black art on front. POGO logo
I
j
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talked 80 percent of the time; I heavy SWEATSHIRT $24.95 postpaid.
Available sizes L and XL only. I
indeed, they may now leave Para- :
mount to sign somewhere else. : Pogo paperbacks (add $2 S&Hfbook): I
I POGO'S DOUBLE SUNDAE $10.95 I
Memo to B.T.: When you were at I POGO WILL BE THAT WAS $9.95
POGO EVEN BETTER $10.95
NBC, you were always the most I
Hefty 10 oz. white porcelain
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important guy at any meeting. Not COFFEE MUG features
II black art shown here. J
j
anymnore. When meeting with expensive
talent, grovel. Just a bit. Don't I $10 postpaid. Order
i three, get 4th FREE.
4 '
i
worryeveryone will respect your i To order, send check to:
willingness to mortify yourself That's I The Entertainment Art Company
400 Main Street, Suite 312Z I
what they mean by "relationships." i Stamford, CT 06901 I
We'll see how you do Monday I For free catalog, or to order by MC or
night at Mortons. Celia Brady L VISA. call i -203-359-6902.coos' c LATS
NOVEMBER l991 SPY 27
 /\/k07 C.:,L?,
The llsn
i 3
Time Warner chairman Steve Ross is no
stranger to delusional behaviorhow else to
explain his paying himself $78 million while
his company is laying offhundreds ofpeople in
order to save just $30 million?but the extent
of his pathology is apparently worse than we
thought. Some friends of Ross's, looking to find
a poignant, personalized surprise birthday gift
for him, recalled the jut-jawed executive's
Stet'e
telling them that he once played pro football
for the Cleveland Browns. But when
Ross's friends flew to Cleveland to dig
up old memorabilia from his grid-
iron days, they discovered that
good old Steve never played for
the Browns. Meanwhile, life in
Ross's presumably imaginary
.
world continues unabated: he
sometimes tells people he's a secret
CIA operative.
For the occasion of her eighth (or
Liz
ninth?) trothplight, Elizabeth Taylor
commissioned Cartier, of course, to engrave the
invitations. When she received them, however,
Taylor was distressed at the attire directive at
the bottom of the invitationsthe standard
BLACK TIE. Perhaps mindful oî the social short-
comings of white-trash fiancé Larry Forten-
sky's family, Taylor complained, Hou' ui/I
the ladies knou' u'hat to u'ear? So the in-
vites were chucked and a new batch
promptly printed up, this time reading
BLACK TIE AND COCKTAIL DRESS. The
new boxes delivered, Liz again became
fretful. Shouldn't it read BLACK TiE AND
COCKTAiL DREssEs? she said. And again, a
perfectly good set of extravagant invita-
tions became landfill.
28SPYNOVEMBER 1991
Suspects
Its well known that Judy Miller, the
New York Times correspondent and
crafty love-minx of the middle-aged-
powerguy set, has settled down, more or
. . . .
less, vith yet another man who stands to as-
-
sist her career: self-important Random House
editorial director Jason Epstein. Recently,
Miller let it be known to her boyfriend
that she was planning to write a book about the
Middle East. Epstein excitedly replied, You go#a
do it for me! Miller liked the idea but,
savvy professional that she is, insisted
that Epstein negotiate with her agent,
Andrew Wylie. Wylie demanded
$500,000, an astounding figure for
.
a nonfiction, juasi-scholarly book,
and was answered, improbably, with
an immediate Okay! from the au-
thor's boyfriend. But Random
House president Harry Evans, dis-
pleased with his love-struck subordi-
nate's slip out of character, sensibly ve-
toed it, thereby touching off an in-house
blood feud between Evans and Epstein.
4
Professional divorcée Lisa Gastineau may now
rival her ex-husband, Mark, in pathetic attempts
at attention-getting. Dining with a group of
Pacquaintances, Mrs. Gastineau, apropos of
nothing, loudly declared, "I'm John Gotti's
girlfriend"declining to explain whether
she was referring to the married, impris-
oned alleged mob CEO, his married son
John Jr. or some other like-named regular
working stiff in, say, the construction busi-
ness. When her dining companions asked if
her choice of paramour placed any restric-
tions on her social life, she replied, "NoI
can do whatever I want.")
John
 The Fille Priiit
Could Vere? And Who by Jamie Malanowski
o Cour DareD Wants
to See Ted Kennedy Atop a Tank?
In the cool, peaceable ordinariness of like accused -.' What So Proudly
America, the failed Soviet putsch seems coup plotter We Sold
remote, a Dostoyevskian passion play Lukyanov. Between August 28, 1990
beamed to us via satellite. But how USA: Fool- (Lewis Galoob, South San
conceivable is a coup here at home ishly loyal president hangs o:n to de- Francisco, California; toys),
Let's examine these chilling parallels: ceitful cronies like accused joyrider andiune 18, 1991 (Big
Sununu. Star Concepts of Monterey,
USSR:Multiethnic empire torn by vio- California; condoms), the
lence; Armenians and Azerbaijanis at-USSR: Hard-liners make ominous noises
Patent and Trademark Of-
tack one another in Nagorno-Karabakh.about decline in public order, demand fice of the U.S. Department
"
USA: Multiethnic empire torn by vio- new tough-on-crime" measures that of Commerce received 90
lence; Lubavitchers and West Indians curtail hard-won civil liberties. applications from would-be
attack one another in Crown Heights. USA: Hard-liners make ominous noises war profiteers who sought
about decline in public order, demand exclusive use of the names
USSR: Economic reform sabotaged by
new "tough-on-crime" measures that Desert Shield and Desert
hard-line disciples of doctrinaire curtail hard-won civil liberties. Storm on products they
economist Karl Marx. wanted to market. There
USA: Economic reform sabotaged by USSR: President, in midst of national were five companies that
hard-line disciples of doctrinaire crisis, insists on taking his vacation. wished to make Desert
economist Milton Friedman. USA: President, in midst of national
Storm watches; one that
crisis, insists on taking his vacation. wanted to make Desert
USSR: Hard-liners voice apprehension at
Storm stationery; one that
overthrow of loyal European puppets Jonathan Napack
like General Ja- wanted to make
Desert Storm note-
ruzeiski.
USA: Hard-liners
books, binders,
portfolios, tablets,
voice apprehen-
pods, file folders,
sion at over-
paper, coloring
throw of loyal
books, pencils,
European pup- erasers, brushes,
pets like Mar- chalk, crayons and
garet Thatcher. finger points; and
USSR: Indebted one that wanted to
nation humili- make a Desert
Storm Bible.
atingly depen-
dent on Ger- Nine companies
wonted to make
man handouts
Desert Storm toys,
for housing its
most of which fell
troops. into either the gen-
USA: Indebted eral description
nation humili- written by the afore-
atingly depen- mentioned Galoob
dent on Ger- Toys ("child size
man, Saudi and toys, action figures
J apanese hand- and accessories for
outs for deploy- action figures, oc-
ins its troops. tion figure playsets,
toy vehicles and
USSR: Foolishly accessories for
loyal president toy vehicles") or
hangs on to de-
that of Diversified
ceitful cronies .
Specialists

NOVflMßER 1991 SPY 29

O-
i
.
\
-
'-:'
/
Change to something more comfortable.
,
E&Jand soda.
 *

___._,; :

' -
'

»1

'

'
j....
Th '

\
, i
: '
't

:r;;

\
-';4z
''
:
:
:.

- -
- . 1!í
THE FINE PRINT CONTINUED
of Houston ("military play
toys, such as walkie-talkies,
military ploy sets, dress-up
sets, Halloween sets, to in
dude helmets, vests, can-
teens, belts, gas masks,
protective under clothing
and military garb; toy guns,
water guns and cap guns;
other cap items, including
hand grenades, rockets; toy
cars, trucks, airplanes, heu-
copters, ships, action
figures and dolus; flash-
lights, radios, and flashlight
radios; and battery-operat-
ed toys"). Additionally,
three companies wanted to
make Desert Storm f ire-
works, two wanted to make
Desert Storm tires, and one
wanted to produce Desert
Storm gas-powered mini-
autos.
One company wanted to
produce the Desert Storm
bicycle (and sports water
bottle), one the Desert
Storm battery, one the
Desert Storm archery set,
and one the Desert Storm
fishing rod. Eight compa-
nies wanted to make Desert
Storm clothing; three,
Desert Storm boots (includ-
ing one that ended up mak-
ing the special Schwarzkopf
model). Twelve companies
wanted to make, as the
Data-East Corporation of
Tokyo wrote, "video games,
video game software, com-
puter software, video game
cartridges, video game dis-
kettes, video game memory
media, video game printed
circuit boards, and video
output game machines"
(which are presumably the
same things that Vektor
Grafix Ltd. of Leeds, Great
Britainan ostensibly En-
glish-speaking nationwant-
ed to make when it de-
scribed "electrical and elec-
tronic apparatus and
32 SPY NOVEMBER 1991
what's
Deys Doug-o.
Your Leaders Speak Up Close and
Personal With Douglas Wilder
As part of its continuing effort to help American voters get to know
the candidates in Campaign '92, spy
Virginia, Douglas Wilder.
SPY: So. hoz' is the campaign going?
Wilder: Very good. Received tremen-
dous support in New Hampshire. Peo-
pie are very concerned about a lack of a
Democratic message.
As president, would you replace Arnold
Schwarzenegger as the president's director of
physical fit ness?
Wellhe's coming down here to
I
visit me next week. How about that?
But I can't even worry about him. I
wouldnt even be considering those
nonessential things at this time.
Do you knoz' all the songs to any musicals?
have [seen) some but I dont know
if I know all the songs to any of
them. . . .The most recent is Phantom of
the Opera, but that wouldn't pass as a
musical. Would it?
Should the NFL abolish the instant replay?
think [it's) great if you are not at
the game. . . . My answer is no, as long as
they don't take a half hour.
Didyou play a sport high school?
I was on the cheering squad. I want-
ed to be involved, but I was too small.
Did you perform in any plays in high
school?
Oh, yeah; i%Iacbeth, I played the part
of her cousin, Jack. This was what
what's his name. Let's see. . . Maxim was
the owner of the and Rebecca
was the dead lady. Wait, not Macbeth,
Rebecca. lt was Rebecca,and I played
Jack Favell. He was a scoundrel.
Do you have any favorite musicians?
Q uincy Jones. George Benson. Herb
Alpert. Marvin Gaye.
What's yourfavorite Marvin Gaye song?
"Let's Get It On." That's it. Oh,
wait, no, what am I saying? "What's
Going On." That's it. . . .It vas very rad-
ical for its time. It is prophetic. No one
would disagree with one line of it.
Who would play you in the movie of your
life?
/\/kea
On?
Going
talks this month with the governor of
Well, let's see, they are probably
gone now. I like Spencer Tracy;
that's from the old school. In the
new school, Robert De Niro.
if you had MarIon Brando and James
Dean in afisifight, who would win?
Well, I tell you what, both those
guys would be right tough. Dean
might win it straight up, but Bran-
do would get him in the end. Dean
might win it honestly, but Brando
would 1nd a way to sabotage it.
Didyon have a nickname in school?
Doug-o. Guess they took it after
Sluggo.
Are there any objects you always caray
with you?
I carry a little Swiss Army knife,
tiny one. I feel like I am naked
without it. Has everything a man
needs.
So. with The Tonight Show, do you
think they iìiade the right decision with
namingJay to replace Johnny?
J ay Leno is something else, isn't
he? You know, people questioned
whether it should have been Jack
Paar or what's-his-name, the guy
who married one of Zsa Zsa Gabor's
sisters. What's his name? Not Andy
Griffith. . .Mery Griffin, that's it.
.
Remember the great contests that
they had between those two? Well,
Mery went on to do his thing and
Johnny to his. I think Leno and Let-
terman are adequate, but they will
make their own stands.
Now two of your possible rivals are
Jerry Brawn and Bob Kerrey. Brown has
dated Linda Ronstadt; Kerrey, Debra
Winger. ifyou were to date someone from
show biz, who would it be?
Well, they were very fortunate
men to have the choice. . . .1 don't
think that dating a celebrity is a fac-
tor in the race. Michael Hainey
 U THE FINE PRINT CONTINUED

Seven Io LA. instruments opparotus for

heeq Yays Say the recordai, storage and
retrieval of data in magnet-
Susan Sontag's son, entertainin, ¡C or optically readable
intellectual-about-town David RiefT, has
form").
just published a 243-page essay called Los Two companies wanted
Angeles: Capi/al of the Third %Vorle/. We're L r
to make a Desert Storm
not making any definitive judgments about his work bere, but the book (loes knife, and three sought to
a seem to offer ckar evidence that Rieff can't quite be trusted yet with his own make actual firearmsin-
' key to the metaphor closet. Consider the smorgasbord of descriptions: cluding Israel Military In-
dustries Ltd. of Ramat
"This complicated, seemingly delightful machine called greater Los Angeles"
"That glitzy Oz called Los Angeles" HaSharon, Israel, which
"That amnesiac ¡leasure dome known as West Los Angeles" wanted to make not only
9UflS but also ammunition
"
"That obdurate arcadia otherwise known as West L.A.
"That far steeper cayøn otherwise known as downtown L.A.» and explosives; and the
Springfield Armory of Gene-
'That boosterist sea that was Los Angeles"
seo, Illinois, which makes a
: "Anglo L.A., that metropolis ofGreta Garbos" B. D. Snell
$799, .45-caliber "Gulf Vic-
- ______-- -
-

tory" pistol. Three compa-

nies wanted to make
Afflric3 Sthrt, í Mast 0td? Storm sunglasses, and six
wanted to make Desert
Introducing the SPY Famous-Name-o-Matic Storm sunscreen, including
Creative Environments of
Books like The Baby Bowiier MI uiri Manhattan, which also
Book ofNeiìnei will tell you to Ali Jones sought to make Desert
Harry
call your kid David if you Phillips Storm "fragranced articles
Jamie Ieroy
want him to be a doctor, or and liquids, including scent-
Tommy , Tyler \ Ray
if you're hoping to Harris ed objects, perfumes,
Lee James \
say "My daughter, the assis- AlherNelson Lewis
men's cologne, bath prod-
rant l).A." But what if' the ucts and deodorants." Two
Roth
plan is for your child simply
to be famousor infamous?
Rodney
Cathy
Mehmet
j Wayne
Howard
Diamond
Curtis
Moore
companies wanted to
make Desert Storm um-
brellas, though one of
Our advice: give the tyke a
middle name he or she can David Earl Stanton them wanted to make
and make OUt selections Donald Allen Baker umbrellas with beach
lise,

from our Famous-Name-a- Rickie Dcc blankets, towels and fab-

Reilly
Matictt. Conceivably all Charles Booth nc beverage coolers, and
Lee
the other wanted to
1 6,038 possible combina- Mary Jane Olmos
make umbrellas with
tions at right will someday Jolìt Oliver Lucas wallets, cosmetic bags,
notorious monikersal- Harvey Rippy travel bogs, tote bags,
ready the list includes the Alvin Dean vans backpacks, knapsacks,
names of at least $() Wilkes Fish belt bags, roll bags,
Jerry
well-known per- james Don school bags, handbags,
sonalities who King I

Jack Henry Williams gym bags and attaché

have 5t01)j)Cd at cases. Another company
Sara Richard Huberty
nothing ro l)e- wanted to get a piece of
come house- Mark David Oswald
the bag action by attaching
hold words. Henry Alton Gacy I
capsules of sand to them.
u
(Hint: there are Edward Hauptmann Two companies wanted to
I 5 who went OflC Robert Abbott procuce Desert Storm
o]
.0 way, 1 5 the other, Billy Chapman movies, one a Desert Storm
and one who went Ì Joe Agca victory ring, and one want-
o
both.) Bruno Crosby ed to trademark the name
- Went/eli Smith . ________ I
I
Desert Storm for the
a '

NOVEMBER 1991 SPY 3

 THE FINE PRINT CONTINUED
Enchanting and Alarming
fundroising services it would
Noveffiber DIehook Events Upcoming
provide to erect and main-
3 New York Cit that Sylvia Miles tures the Rock-
tain a Desert Storm Veter-
Marathon. vill probably be ettes dressed in
ans Memorial.
Preview coy- in attendance, fetishistic peeka-
Most of these products
erage in the r
it's a bargain. boo Santa outfits
were never made. For those
that were, performance was
Times focuses 12 Mike that don't include
uneven. A spokesman for largely on a wiry, Francesa and trousers.
one company that produced prosthesis-fitted Christopher 19 The White
Desert Storm sunglasses ad- 87-year-old "Mad Dog" Dog Cafe, a lefty
miffed, "lt wasn't one of our whohas ,. Russo, restaurant in
runin '.. hosts of
better ideas," while the PR Philadelphia,
'
Pre-
guy for Sierra On-Line said every !_1 an after- sents Empower-
its Battle of Khofji computer race noon talk ing the Home-
game was "hot," and the since show on all- less," a breakfast
spokesman for the company Jimmy Walker series; West Side sports WFAN- symposium lea-
that makes the mini-autos was mayor (ex- YMCA. Admis- AM Radio, are turing local bous-
bragged, "We've hit a home cluding the war sion is $12, more the main attrac- ing advocates
run with the doggone years). No men- than for any other tions ola tour of Plus a choice of
thing." tion is made of reading in the se- WFAN's studio free-range eggs or
the young for- ries, but when in Astoria, fresh fruit with
"Next on eigner who will you consider that Q ueens. Since the yogurt and home-
't

the Agenda: actually win. Reed can't really concept ofa walk- made granola. A
Funding an Affirmative- 7 Lou Reed reads ing tour is anti-
sing anyway, that fantasy experience
Action Program for a concert at the
his song lyrics thetical to the for anyone nostal-
Kale Lovers"
aloud as tart of Ritz costs mentality of Mike gic for the more
Whatever else we may
the Writer's Voice $19.50 and and the Mad annoying, Hope-
know about
Gennadi
Dog's audience heavy episodes of
big, white thirtysonething.
Yanayevand J k Q ueens and 28Thanksgiving.
the other U Capsule
[uUiviai
Flatbush natives Meaningful inter-
Communist Reviews by Walter with hair cut action with rela-
Party hard- MonheitTM, the Movie short on the sides tives with ,::\
liners who Publicist's Friend and front and
launched last
August's coup, THE ADDAMS FAMILY, starring Anjelica Huston, Raul long in the
one thing is Julia, Christopher Lloyd (Paramount) ''P' backtour
certain: none Walter Monheit sa's, "They may be creepy, and they members
of them were might be kooky, but Anjelica'saltogether 0000fy!! may be-
members of Come next April she'll be the Addams apple of come
the Pork Slope Oscar's eye!" unruly
Food Coop of and im-
Brooklyn, New
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS, starring Lauren Bacall,
I larleyjane Kozak (Paramount) PP patient
York. Never- and vent their whom you have
theless, it can- \,íter Monheit says. "Hey, Oscar! Put your lips frustration over nothing in corn-
not be ruled together and blowall you'Ilwant for Christmas is
the Mets' disap- mon is avoided by
out completely Lauren! Don't Bogart that statuette!"
pointing '91 per- turning on the
that one of the formance on you.
M GIRL, starring Dan Aykroyd, Jamie Lee Curtis. Lions-Bears game
plotters sow and saying, "That
Macaulay Culkin (Columbia) P'P 15 Opening night
theiuly 11 of Radio City Sanders can move,"
%V'a/ter Monheit .cac. "When it's cold outside, Jamie
issue of
Lee gives me the month of May! She usedto be my Music Hall's an- and " I have
Linewoiters'
girlnow she's Oscar's!" nual Christmas mixed feelings
Gazette, the
Spectacular, about the run-
co-op's official
newsletter. If
What ¿'Ix monocles meas:: which touts itself and-shoot."
çpt: imlisputably a dank as family enter- Your cousins will
one did, he .
tainment yet fea- nod in assent.)

4 SPY NOVEMBER 1991

 e
F

4v
J.vp,
i

-r

(A

a-
f-.

make me weak:'
-

0
.

,-; /

i' ii
TO ORDER, PLEASE CALL 1-800-292-2450 DAYTON'S, HUDSON'S AND MARSHALL FIELD'S
THE FINE PRINT CONTINUED
certainly would have grown
more convinced than ever
that when it comes to
democracy, it's possible for
some people to have too
much say in their own of-
fairs. (Note: names hove
been changed.)
"The June GeneraI Meeting
spent [halfi its time dealing
with [a] highly contentious
issuethe location of the
cheese counter. ...
"Joan Morosh, a long-
time cheeseworker, mode a
passionate, yet reasoned
plea that at least port of the
cheese counter remain up-
stairs on the shopping floor
so that workers would be
able to communicate di-
redly with shoppers. . . The
current plan provides for
moving the cheese-cutting
area downstairs. . .ond pro-
viding precut cheese
wrapped in plastic in the ex-
ponded dairy case upstairs.
"Joan first of all objected
to the way the decision to
move downstairs was
made. She called it a 'well-
kept secret plan' which had
never been discussed with
those most affected
cheeseworkers and cheese
buyers. She had. . .a petition
which had. . some 400 sig-
natures protesting the
move. (Some members ap-
parently protested that
cheeseworkers would not
give them their cheese un-
less they signed the peti-
lion, however.) Joan. . .wor-
ned that cheese soles
would plummet if members
were not allowed to discuss
their cheese questions with
knowledgeable cheese cut-
ters, who regularly give ad-
vice. . . .Worst of all [and this
is why, on our funding ap-
plication to the NEA, we're
thinking of calling the
'6SPYNOVEMBER 1991
Whath ill a Name? ¡o Our liffle
Privacy-IDvaio
Our Periodic
Anagram Analysis: "1 invariably check the medicine cabinet if I
Special use the bathroom in someone else's house; in
Soviet-Putsch a small apartment where there is no guest
loo, entire medical, social and sexual histo-
Edition ries can be constructed from the specific.
BORIS N. YELTSIN
Fiorinal means migraine, Flagy! a yeast in-
LIBERTY'S NO SIN
fection, Naturetin bloat, Procardia and Per-
santine cardiac trouble. Valium, Librium,
1 BORIS PUGO Enovid."
OUR S.O.B. PIG
John Gregory Dunne, Harp, 1989
DEFENSE MINISTER YAZOV
MY NAZI DEFENSE IS OVERT "Now I'm being hugged and congratulated
by Joan Didion and John Gregory
VURI S. PLEKHANOV Dunne. .1 remember the first time I had
. .
A VERY LUSH PINKO dinner at their house. .Since I was in their
. .
bathroom anyway, I checked their medicine
APPJRATCHIKS
cabinet. I always like to do that in a new
A PAST HACK, R.I.P.
house. Outside of my mother's, it was the
V1%SILY i. STARODUBTSEV most thrilling medicine cabinet I had ever
A VASTLY ABSURD SOVIET
seen. Ritalin, Librium, Miltown, Fiorinal,
Percodan. .every upper, downer, and in-be-
.
OLEG D. BAKL.ANOV
BALKAN LOVE GOD
tweener ofinterest in the PDR, circa 1973."
Julia Phillips, You '11 Never
Andy liaron Eat Lunch in This Town Again, 1991
ì.uI_
J
Sidney Urquhart
LügrMig iii grJie
"This book could change the way Americans eat and live."
Gad Greene on Craig Claiborne's Craig Claiborne's
Gourmet Diet
'One of the most amusing, serious and outrageously humorous
ect of sex I've read."
rne on Greene's Delicious Sex
"A triumph of style."
Paul Theroux on Nadine Gordimers The Conservationist
"His is a large, outrageous talent."
Gordimer on Theroux's Chicago Loop
"The true love story of our times....Wonderful."
Molly Haske!! on Betty Rollin's Am I Getting Paidfor This?
"Brilliant...A work of the mind, the heart, the spiritand oh, the wit of it!"
Rollin on Haskell's Love andOther Infectious Diseases
Howard Kaplan
 ¿
/,
D i

esa acs
t i.

WhatWouldltCostto .
-
>j - ç::vI__-7 _
TNt FINE PRINT CONTINUED
multimedia dance thing we
wont to produce about this
Ship Our' Favorite LegìIators -
conflict Marcuse Off Flat-
Back Home from Washington? , -- bush], the vital social corn-
rnunity role which the
cheese counter has played
will be lost forever, height-
ening the increasing sense

r{Co11ue Satioii. of alienation felt by many

_
, fX
Sen. Phil Gramm 1,356 air miles 190 pounds $141.30
'
Coop members.
"Al Levy responded to
:.:u air Órnnds £2410] each of Joan's points deci-

Sen.
1fQfl;:Ä;to
Paul Wellstone
E1 Hcmpea41
Northlield. MN
I
931 airmiles 150 pounds $100E15
sively. He said that. . by
working downstairs, cheese-
workers will be able to. . .cut
cheese in a more efficient
L
Rep. Newt Gingrich I
Jonesboro. GA 547 air miles 195 pounds $102.89 and hygienic way. . . . Al also
thought that cheese sales
g would actually increase
g Sen. Dennis DtConcini Tucson, AZ I 1,956 air 180 pounds S194.75 under the new system, be-
s
,.
" .----------- ---- -. -_ cause people would not

_
z ,

V
C2: Dnemeyer _FulIertonCi l7Opoundfl $184,33 have to go through the cum-
w
bersome process of ordering
a
Sen. Edward M. Kennedy MA 353 air miles 235 i,ounds Si i 5.80
C
j,Iyannisi and picking up their cheese
.
nAkniC .SimDson J..Mtai later. . . .To put the debate ¡n
s Çody-WY
perspective, Al said that
I
A reminder: postal customers who expect their legislator to be delivered since the early days of the
before Christmas should plan to mail early! Gaiy í%lcKechnie Coop, cheese has become
a far less important part
of members' shopping....
'Pounds of cheese per capi-
to sold have plunged
over the years,' he
said....
"Finally, Al apolo-
gized for the seem-
ing secrecy of the
cheese counter deci-
Sian. 'I am sorry it
was not more in the
public eye of the
Coop, but I certainly
did not hide the de-
cision from anyone
who asked,' he
said."

Once the debate

concluded, the mem-
bership voted on a
motion to form a
committee to exam-
me the possibility of
an upstairs cheese
raus ve s t t es tr'ansvesmi te.s counter. lt was
soundly defeated.

NOVEMIR 1991 SPY 37

 1 IJ2keo' C'
A NorId without Ofildoess ID Our [ifetiffle
The New, Improved Comb-over--Illustrated History of Hair, Part VIII

The year: 1977. Male vanity ¡s

United States Patent j9 III 4,022,227 raging, hairiness generally is de
Smith et al. (45] May 10, 1977 rigueur, and America's love affair
with baldness is at an end: for the
(54) MFTHODOFCONCEAUNC PARTIAL
BALDNESS
56) RthrrncesCked first time since its debut in 1973,
UNITED STATES PATE?TS
Kojak fails to make the tp 25 in
3.317921 Sf1967 Zarzour ................................
6) Inventori. Frink J. Sinftb. 233 Cosmos Drivc
Dona'd J. Smith, S 7 Brockway
3.464.424 9/1969 Buuelti
2/9
I 32/7 the Nielsen ratings. Riding the
Ave . bot1 of Orlando. Fia. 32807
3.811.453 5/1974 Bretton 32/53
winds of the Zeitgeist, Frank and
Primary ExaminerG.E. McNciII
221 Fled Dtc. 23. 1975 AIlOTnty, Age'u, or FirmJohn B. Dickman, Ill Donald Smith, a father-son in-
t57) ABSTRACT ventor team based in Orlando,
Appi. No M3.681
(2h A method of styling hair to cover partial baldness using
only the hair ()fl a persons head. The hair styling re-
Florida, are awarded U.S. Paten
f521 U.S.C1 .................................................. 132/53 quires dividing a persons hair into three sectkrns and No. 4,022,227, "Method of Con-
1511 In.CI.2 ......................................... A41G3/0O carefully folding one section over another.
f$8 FkId cl Se.rch .................. 132153. 54. 9. 7. 5. cealing Partial Baldness."
2/9 s C1, é Drswfng 1urei The Smiths' patent was for a
2
unique new comb-over method.
¶ 2 In the standard, inefficient sin-
gle-shingle scheme, adopted by
thousands of high school teach-
ers, unsuccessful salesmen and
Mort Zuckerman, one sheaf of
hair is allowed to grow exceed-
ingly long on one side of the
head to form a scraggly pennant
that is then flopped over and lac-
FIG I FIG. 2 FIG.3 quered to the cranial bald spot
(see The Illustrated History of
I, Hair, Parts IV [April 1989] and
_/ ./
VI [August 1989)). The patented
Smith approach instead uses three
.
extra-long hair slats of equal
length, gathered together atop
the head in a thatched-roof ar-
rangement.
The Smiths didn't mention it
FIG.5 FIG. 6
in their patent, but their original
plan was twofold: first they
METHOD OF CONCEALING PARTIAL BALDNESS would patent the hairstyle (de-
BACKGROUND OF THIS INVENTION scribed in the patent as "a simple
For those people who are partially bald and wish to cover the bald area hair transplants, method to cover bald areas opera-
hair weaving and hairpieces are the most commonly used solutions. The cost of covering ble by the user onhis own
bald areas by one of these methods can range from a few hundred dollars to thousands of head"), then they'd invent and
dollars depending on a person's choice and financial means. Some of these commonly market a Vitalis-like fixative that
used bald area coverings require periodic care, which generally cost money. would hold this complicated tri-
Obviously a partially bald person without the financial means can not afford the cornered hair hat in place. Patent
luxury of such hair coverings. This person, therefore, has few options; he can attempt to No. 4,022,227 was the equiva-
use his own hair to cover the bald area, but generally most people do not have the ability lent of the Polaroid camera; the

-
to properly pian a hair style that will look good, and most attempts result in brushing the
hair in one direction over the bald area, or he can allow his baldness to show.
Smiths would make their fortune
by selling the film.
idea," says 52-year-old
, --

38 SPY NOVEMBER 1991

Donald Smith, today a retired
policeman in Orlando, "was to
combine the way my latherwho
was going baldlet his hair
grow [and] the perfect type of
hair solution to keep it down.
Then, once we sold people on the
id&i of doing this, we'd say, 'But
to make this work you need this
solution.' Biu we never got
around ro mark*t tug the idea or
hr dressing."
How did the innovative three-
slat approach evolve' According
to Donald, Smith the elder was
bald halfway down his head to
the ear and neckline on all three
sides (hair did grow just above
his collar). The single-shingle
flip would have provided only
parcial, mid-scalp coverage.
Donald was the concept man
of the team, while Frank (who
died a few years ago) was the
chief engineer. The pair spent
many months in the early 1970s
mixing potions in Franks home
workshop, then resting them on
Frank's working-prototype dome.
'He grew his hair just like in the
patent drawings," says Donald.
"Three sides. l'd go over, and
we'd mix I 5 or 20 things togeth-
er and ajply them. I dont re-
member what-all it was now, but
it worked. We got ir to hold. The
wind would blow it, and it
wouldn't move. The solution,
wl)atever was in it, did not look
wet or greasy, though it did have
kind of a graying effect on the
hair."
Unfortunately, as Frank aged
and lost interest, the idea drifted
into obscurity. Donald says he
has never made a penny on the
patent and has no plans to go for-
ward now with phase two of the
original plan. " Frank and I
worked best together, though I
still think it's a wonderful idea,"
he says. "I just wish Frank was
here now to hear this phone call.'
A/ex Heard
Kid, IaDa D Soe Fishio Tackle?"
"PsstUey
You don't have to walk through a city park on your way to work every
day to have noticed those cute little two-by-two-inch zip-lock plastic
bags strewn on the ground. They're everywhere. Now, we know and
you know what they're used for. Why is it, then, that the manufactur-
ers and distributors of the bags claim to think otherwise? We asked
some company spokespersons exactly what their products are used to
carry.
I"Inkctious hazards"Gregory at Com-Pac. Carbondale, Illinois
I'Marbles, beads, tic tacks, golf tecs"Len a A-Pac Manufacturing,
Grand Rapids Michigan
,.. Dirt samples"Mark at
Day-Pat, Dayton, Ohio
I" Fishing tackle" Bill at
Rickart, Harrland, Wisconsin
I"Arts and crafts"l.inda a
lluckster Packaging, Houston,
Texas
I'Little nuts"Shelly at Pak-
Sak, Sparta, Michigan
Coins, shells, art supplies.
SCe(lS, parts. tobacco, police evi-
dence. . . "l.anning Bag (llar-
yard, Illinois) catalog
*If a guy's got a small part
that he wants to take in and OUt and not lose it" Bob at Ar-Bee, Elk Grove
Village, Illinois
A few employees did grudgingly admit that their pmduct might con-
ceivably sometimes be used improperly for illicit purposes. One em-
ployce oía tiny-plastic-bag manufacturer said he became a little suspi-
CiOUs when a young man 'Sin a very expensive sweatsuit. drove up in a .
Mercedes and asked to order 25,000 self-scalers. He said he was . . .
using them for car leasing."
Despite the usual application of the miniature bags, the Drug En-
forcement Agency does not classify them as drug paraphernalia. "Not
everyone who uses plastic zip-lock bags is a drug trafficker," says a
DEA "cannabis investigator." "Packaging material in and of itself is
not illegal." Nevertheless, a number of manufacturers and distributors
were under the impression that bags smaller than two inches square
are illegal, or at least officially discouraged. Several said they had re-
ceived letters from the DEA asking for the names of people who or-
dered the smallest bags, and some mentioned a memo from industry
leader that asked other companies to join them in a ban on
the baby baggies.
Susan Baker, an investigator for the DEA, could neither confirm nor
deny the existence, saying only that local DEA branches might
"
ask hag manufacturers to furnish names "as a courtesy. Minigrip sales
manager Ken Richardson was even less certain about whether his com- :
pany had ever distributed a memo. 'There might be someone here
who could know that," he said, "but it would not be myself."
Karen Harricon
o
'g
\OVEMBIR I)')i SPY
 ----

\ik0' C)'
Meet the Nohelisfs!

This Months Question:

Where do butterflies go when it rains?
Merton H. Miller, 1990 Nobel Prize in Economics: "Fi! be
damned. . . .1 think they stay out in the rain, thats all. It's just
we're not out, so we don't notice them."
Philip W. Anderson, 1977 Nobel Prize in Physics: "Oh, my! I
don't know! I know where bees go: they hide in the flowers.
Over the years, we've had a flower garden; my wife is an avid
gardener, and I am an avid outdoorperson. This year we've had
a particularly large number of bees and butterflies. We noticed
after a rain we'd move up to the flowers and have to be real
careful, because there the bees were. We haven't seen the but-
terflies. I suppose they do much the same thing, except they
maybe get under a branch or something."
Jerome I. Friedman, 1990 Nobel Prize in Physics: I would
imagine beneath the biggest leaf they could find. I'm sure if
you ask some botanist, he would know exactly. . .or someone
who specializes in insect behavior."
William F. Sharpe, 1990 Nobel Prize in Economics: I havent the
foggiest. . . . I don't know anything whatsoever about such
things. One of the great temptations, when you get in the po-
sition that I've found myself in, is that people ask you ques-
tions on ever so many things about which you know noth-
ing. . .and that's a large list for me. Some of the people, I
guess, have succumbed over the years. It's very tempting to go
ahead and give opinions. Especially when you have them,
however ill-informed they are. I try to resist. I'm not sure I al-
ways succeed, but I try."
Roald Hoffmann, 1981 Nobel Prize in Chemistry: "Oh, they sit
under big leaves, of course. . . . Occasionally I have
watched butterflies. I've watched a butterfly
change, when our kids were small-
er, from a caterpillar to a pupa to a ...

butterfly, slowly, but I don't know

where they go. But I can imagine. I
know out in the forest there are all
kinds of trolls. My wife is from
\
'N
\ . ..
-'-

Sweden. We know that

under all kinds of leaves
--y1-
-' .

in the forests and trees (. .

and moss, especially .-

under mushrooms,
there is a lot of life .
that we don't normally -
"
acknowledge. Trolls,
elves, things like that. ,)
And I'm sure the but-
terflies know that, too."
Gregg Siebben
,)
4OSPYNOVEMBER 1991
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 Lita and Jim Sullivan,
several years after their
1976 wedding

Has a Palm Beach Millionaire Tríed to Get Away With Murder?

THE BUCKI-IEAD SECTION OF ATLANTA, WITH ITS LARGE, IVY-COVERED HOUSES AND ITS NARROW, TREE-
lined streets, is among the loveliest and most prestigious neighborhoods in town. On Friday, January
16. 1987, at 8:20 in the morning, Lita McClinton Sullivan, an attractive 35-year-old socialite, opened the door
fher townhouse, located three blocks from the Governor's Mansion. There she found a balding, middle-aged
flan who had apparently come to deliver flowers. Instead, he shot her three times with a 9mm automatic pistol.
l'hc second and third shots were superfluous: the first hollow-point slug had entered her head and killed her
ins(antly. Before leaving, the murderer indulged in a final act of derision, dumping the dozen long-stemmed
f()SCS he had brought across her body.

January 16 was supposed to have been a momentous day for Lita McClinton Sullivan, although not quite so
dramatic. That afternoon, Fulton County Superior Court judge William Daniel had been scheduled to hand
jiown a pivotal ruling in the bitter divorce trial in which Lita was embroiled with her husband of ten years.
Jtmes Sullivan. Judge Daniel was going to decide on the validity of a postnuptial agreement the couple had
,igned. and the stakes were high. If the agreement was upheld. Lita Sullivan would be entitled to only $25OO
\OVIM}31 K I 'P' SPY s -
per month in alimony. If it was overturned, Jim Sul- and at his suggestion we went to Testa's - in his words,
livan would be obliged to fork over as much as half of "the only place to have brunch:' He is that kind of
his wealth, which had been estimated at $6 million, man, one with unapologetic opinions about matters
including Casa Eleda, his 57-year-old, $3 million of taste; it's not hard to picture him presiding with
Romanesque mansion on the ocean in Palm Beach. Of authority over Preservation Comm ission meetings,
course, the murder ofLita Sullivan rendered the whole not allowing his lack of training in architecture or
issue moot:Jim Sullivan would have no ex-wife to pay planning to get in his way. At the restaurant we talked
anything at all. mostly about the William Kennedy Smith case; Sullivan
Forty minutes after Lita was murdered, a collect was well spoken and informed, and quite charming
was made from a pay phone at a highway rest area just a trait, I would come to see, that was most evident
north ofAtlanta. Someone at the home of James Sul- when he was in the company ofwomen. And though
livan in Palm Beach accepted that collect call. The time the restaurant was crowded and the staff was harried
it would take to drive from the murder scene to the rest and the matter under discussion involved a possible
area is about 40 minutes. That night, Sullivan had a criminal assault, things were, all in all, pleasant.
cozy dinner at an intimate Palm Beach bistro with his Then our food arrived. Sullivan's sandwich was on
new lover. At no time during the next few days - at no white bread. His face tightened. Barely controlling
time during the next few years, for that matterdid himself, he dressed down the waiter. "I wanted my
he offer any expressions ofsympathy to his dead wife's sandwich on whole wheat, not white' he snarled in a
family: no call, no card, no flowers, no word. voice audible tables away. "Now take this back, and see
Four years later, despite an extensive investigation if you can get it right next time:' Sullivan must have
by the Atlanta police and the FBI, Lita Sullivan's killer seen the shock on my face, because in an instant he
remained at large. was back to normal. He apologized for his outburst.
"But,John,' he added, "you have to stay on top of some
ThE FIRST TIME I SAWJIM SULLIVAN, IN APRIL, 1 WAS of these fags, or they'll walk all over you'
surprised by how small he was. Before our formal in- Later, when a friend told me thatJim Sullivan was
troduction, I had been speaking to him over the phone the chiefsuspect in the murder ofhis wife, I wasn't en-
for more than a yeara friend recommended Sullivan tirely surprised.
as someone who would be helpful for a financial story Two months later, Sullivan called me from South-
I had been writing and I came to expect a much big- ampton, on Long Island. He was staying with friends,
ger person. Sullivan is and he invited me to come out from the city for a few
rich, and until recently days. He had been a good source for my article, and the
'..
he was the chairman ,
'
prospect of spending a couple of days in a big house
of the Palm Beach at the shore wasn't without appeal.
Landmarks Preserva- ________________________________ I arrived shortly before lunch and ended up spend-
tion Commission. .

ing most of the afternoon on the tennis court with

Among his friends
and acquaintances
were Pulitzers, Du
Ponts and Dodges. He
has a strong, resonant
voice, one that un-
mistakably reveals his
k
Boston roots, and his
speech, just short of
being clipped, is al-
most military in style.
But contrary to all
preconceptions, Sulli-
van tops out at about .
fivefootseven,andhe
is startlingly thin. I a car was waiting to turn
learned that he main-
tains his weight at 125 pounds. "I've always
kept my animals a few pounds under-
weight' he told me later, speaking of the
______ Sullivan, who proved to be a determined, tenacious
player. After cleaning up, we all went out to a res-
'
. taurant. Sullivan drove his 1973 Mercedes. We had a
nice time. On the way home I sat in the passenger's
seat, his friends in the rear.
. The roads on the eastern
.
end of Long Island are lit
poorly if at all. Drivers make
- good use of their high-beams,
L and vacationers from
New York City often for-
. ;
'
get to switch back to reg-
-
,
. ular lights. Several miles
' . from the restaurant, we
'\" - . crossed an intersection;
..
onto the road we were travel-
'
.
_ . .
.,
:

. i.
.

'-.
:- ing. The driver had neglected
to lower his high-beams, and
before long his lights hit our
dogs he used to breed, "and they've lived a .
i . s . . s
rearview mirror.
longer. I believe it's the same for people:' s s

An annoyance, certainly, but

' ' ' '
Sullivan and I were meeting for brunch, .. ,
Sullivan became perturbed in
' ,
44SPYNOVEMBER L99i i
 t's either the sign
the extreme. The of a clear conscience," he told me,
transformation was
amazing.Hegripped "or no conscience at all"
the steering wheel
and clenched his teeth. "Look at what they're doing
to me," he hissed. "I'll get them." He pulled over onto
the shoulder and let the other car pass, then pulled
out in pursuit. "Watch what I do to them with my
halogen high-beams;' he said, flooring it. When he
was doing 70 mph and had closed to ten
behind the other car, Sullivan hit his high-
beams. The other driver veered slightly but
held on. Sullivan stayed on the car's tail for a
few more miles, until it turned offonto another
road. (I would subsequently discover that I
had been riding with a driver who was un-
licensed as well as high-strung. In 1989 the
state of Florida reviewed the 17 citations Sul.
livan had received over two years and revoked
his license for five years.)
Later, after we had returned home and made
plans for the next day, Sullivan told me that he
never rose before nine in the morning. Then he
looked me in the eye and, lowering his voice
an octave, said, "That's either the sign of a
clear conscience or" now whispering"no
science at all:'
Only in the retelling does it seem like a slightly
crous scene, something from one of the less memor-
able episodes of Coltimbo. At the time, late at night in
a big Long Island mansion, I suddenly believed that
Sullivan really could have murdered his wife. The next
day, he invited me to stay at his Palm Beach home in
August. I accepted. In the meantime, I began trying to
rind out everything I could aboutJim Sullivan and the
death ofhis wife.
SULLIVAN CAME TO PALM BEACH IN 1983 AND HAD A
fairly meteoric rise to prominence. He had sold the
Macon, Georgia, liquor distributorship he had in-
herked from his uncle for $5 million and was set to be-
gin living at least one version ofthe American dream:
43 years old, rich, fit, retired. Still, he had goals. Per-
haps something in his Boston Irish background helped
him recognize that there were ways to advance through
politics, and in 1985 he threw himself into the Palm
Beach mayoral campaign of Deedy Marix, the owner
ola local travel agency. When she was elected, Mayor
Marix, grateful for Sullivan's aggressive and enthusias-
tic support, named him to the city's Landmarks Preser-
vatjon Commission; in 1988 she elevated him to the
chairmanship.
Sullivan had picked his political payback shrewdly.
Palm Beach is a town where social cachet is measured
not entirely in dollars, since theoretically everyone is
wealthy, but in social recognition. Parvenu or not, as
a member ofthe Landmarks Preservation Commission,
Sullivan would have his favor curried by any mansion
owner in Palm Beach inclined to do a little remodeling
or adding-on. Consequently, Sullivan, whom a former
friend described - obviously in plumper times - as «140
pounds ofunbridled ambition;' became a fixture at all
the right parties, where his intelligence, good looks,faux-
Brahmin charm and ownership ofa choice piece of real
estate served him well. By 1988 the Palm Beach Daily
News was describing him as "a potent political force:'
There was a large cloud on his horizon, however: he
was having trouble with his marriage. While still liv-
¡ng in Macon, Sullivan had expansively courted Lita
McClinton, who was pretty and well connected and
ten years younger than he. A graduate ofSpelman Col-
lege, Lita was the sort who enjoyed volunteering for
good causesin the weeks before her death, in fact,
she had resumed those activities, helping to organize
a New Year's Eve charity ball to raise money to fight
cystic fibrosis. She also liked clothes; in fact, she met
Sullivan in a boutique where she worked. Today he de-
nies that he ever loved her"It wasn't love, just lust;' he
ungallantly saysbut he succeeded in sweeping her
off her feet. As often happens in marriages where a
young woman weds an older, successful man, Lita as-
sumed a passive, almost subservient role. This enabled
Sullivan to persuade her to stay in Atlanta during the
first year of their marriage, 90 miles from where he
was living and working. During that year he lied to
people in Macon, denying that he was married.
Part of this secrecy no doubt had to do with Lita
Sullivan's race. She was black, and Sullivan knew this
might be an impediment to certain ofhis social aspi-
rations. Indeed, once she moved to Macon, the diffi-
culties began. Shortly after her arrival, some anony-
mous racist had a truckload ofwatermelons delivered
to Sullivan's office. I once asked him why he thought an
NOVEMBER 1991 SPY 45
 uki's hand would dritt
onto the leg of he guest particularly
if he was richer than Jim"
Irish Catholic from the North could live with a black
woman in a place like Macon and ?zot expect conse-
uences. "H,bris!" he answered. "I wanted to show peo-
pie I could get away with anything
After Lita moved to Macon, Sullivan kept her under
his thumb. His former employees remeinber that Lita
would have to come to the office to get money from him
just to get her hair done. Sullivan, meanwhile, did
what he wanted, including having affairs. One ex-
employee told me that Sullivan would use her car to
pursue his afternoon liaisons, because his car, a Rolls-
Royce, was a tad too recognizable in downtown Macon.
Often, upon his return, Sullivan would toss her the
keys and tell her, "You need gas in your car:' According
to another worker, Lita eventually caught on after
finding, amid the detailed phone logs Sullivan kept,
repeated messages from a friend. She confronted him,
and though he vehemently denied any impropriety,
things were never again the same between them.
After the Sullivans moved to Palm Beach, they found
the racism to be subtler than a truckload of watermelons
but ever present. lfthey were trying for a new start, the
effort did not last long. The marriage was in shambles.
By August 1985, Lita McClinton Sullivanwho had
endured open bigotry in order to be with her husband
who had indulged his philandering, who had accepte
and even apologized for his abusive behavior to her ii
public - had had enough. She moved back to their At
lanta pied-à-terre and filed for divorce. Jim Suilivai
countersued, charging theft, drug use and adult,,rj(
SOON AFTER LITA DECAMPED TO ATI.ANTA, fiM Sui.
livan began an affair with Hyo-Sook "Suki" Rogers, th
35-year-old wifewife, in fact, for the second time
of Leonard Rogers, a friend and fellow Palm Beal
millionaire. According to Sullivan, "Suki was the lo
ofmy life'
Or at least the obsession ofhis life. There are storie:
ofhis following her and sneaking behind cars to spy
her; he even assaulted a much larger man whom Suki
had begun dating after her husband discovered she
was seeing Sullivan and threw her out oftheir home.
Sullivan's attentions worked; the couple married in
September 1987, eight months after Lita's murder.
A Korean immigrant who had come to Palm
Beach via Chicago, Suki Rogers was, during those
years, stunningly beautiful. Sullivan today alleges
that while in Chicago, Suki was a prostitute. How-
ever, he was unable to back up his claim, and Suki
declined to speak to me. One thing is certain: Suki
knew how to profit from her liaisons. Her net worth
when she took up with Sullivan was $421,000, the
fruit of a bad marriage that had ended before her
two bad marriages to Rogers.
4('SPY NOVIMIM:R jI)()
While re-
searcuing tnis
article, I discov
cred that before
Suki began her affair with Sullivan, she had demanded
that Rogers put her name on the deed to his home, and
he had refused. Perhaps this mistrust drove her into
the arms ofJim Sullivan. But whatever the reason, Sul-
livan made a point of telling me that in September
1987eight months after Lita's murder and two
weeks before he and Suki were married - he entered
her name on the deed to his mansion as a joint tenant.
if I died, I wanted her to get the house, Sullivan ex-
plained, taking pains to add, "I didn't want my chil-
dren (there are four, ranging in age from 18 to 25,
from his first marriage, which ended in divorcel to get
anyrliing' Though blindly in love, Sullivan neverthe-
less had the presence ofmind to have Suki sign a juit
claim" deed, which would give back to him full title to
the house if they broke up. When they split in June
1990, he exercised it immediately.
Sullivan, it seems, was lying to me. I spent a day in
the file room of the Palm Beach County Tax Office,
digging out the deed that had made Suki halfowner of
Sullivan's mansion. The FBI had never seen this docu-
mentwhen I showed it to the special agent on the
case, his surprise and interest were clearand as far
as I know, ncither had the Atlanta police. This is not
surprising; investigators search-
ing for evidence iii the death of
Lita Sullivan would probably be
inclined to look at documents
from before her death, not after.
The deed was supposedly
notarized on September 15,
1987. On the actual document,
however, the 7was handwritten,
covering another number. I took
the document to a police lab
and had the 7 removed. Un-
derneath was a typewritten 6,
making the actual date of no.
tarization September 15,
1986. That may explain why
the year 1986 also appeared in
the upper right-hand corner.
There were other discrepan-
cies as well. On the document,
Sullivan attested to being a
married man. That was true
on September 15, ¡986. lt was
false a year later, when Sullivan
claims the deed was filed: Suki
and the widower Sullivan
would not marry for another
eleven days.
The significance ofthis alter-
ation cannot be overstated. Ac-
cording to Florida law, real property owned by a mar-
ned couple cannot be deeded to a third party without
the signatures of both spouses. Lita's name does not
appear. Under Georgia law, generally speaking, par-
ties in a divorce suit are prohibited from disposing of
real property once a divorce has been filed. If Sullivan
signed over halfofhis $3 million house to his mistress
in September 1986while he was still married to
Lita, and four months before her murderit was
against the law in both Florida and Georgia to do so.
More to the point, ifhe had tried to file the deed, Lita
surely would have refused to cooperate and would
have raised the issue during the divorce. It was a docu-
ment with no validityas long as Lita was alive. And
it was a document with no point - as long as Lita was
alive. And since it was invalid when signed in 1986, it
had to be changed in order to be filed a year later.
Suki may have been the love of Sullivan's life, but
money was clearly the love ofhers. One Palm Beach so-
cialite told me that at (tinner parties, 'Sukis hand
would often drift onto the leg ofher male dining corn-
panion, particularly ifhe had more money than Jim'
And in Palm Beach, it wasn't that hard to have morc
money than Jim. Though apparently wealthy Sulli-
van owned an expensive house on the right mile and
a halfofPalm Beach, and he had sold his business for
$5 millionhe had financial problems. The payout
from the sale was spread over six years, and capital-
gains taxes were taking about one-fifth ofthe proceeds.
Also, he had to pay back in a lump sum the $1 million
he had rather too freely borrowed from an employee-
retirement fund in order to finance his new house, and
besides that, he had to meet payments on a $900,000
mortgage on the place. Plus, he had to keep Suki enter-
tamed. Sullivan was in no position to absorb the cost
of a big property settlement in Litajs favor.
Thus, in September 1986,Jim Sullivan had certain
problems. He had money problems. He had wife
problems. He had girlfriend problciììs. He must have
known that Leonard Rogers had lost Suki when he re-
fused to sign his property over to her. I)id Sullivan
fret that he WOUl(l lose her in the same way? Did he
thus sign the appropriate documents but then post-
pone their filing, waiting for. . what? Lita Sullivan
to disappear?
I later discovered an amazing thing: Sullivan was at-
tempting to float this lie about the deed past me
months after the truth had been disclosed in court. In
1990, when he and Suki were divorcing, her attorney
asked Sullivan why he had given the deed to Suki while
Lita was alive. Sullivan gave no real answer. Apparently
the attorney didn't mention that the deed had been al-
tered. The attorney then asked if Sullivan thought he
could get away with this because he knew he was going
to have Lita killed. Sullivan took the Fifth.
Then, at another point in those proceedings, Suki
testified under oath that at home one night, after
deliberately turning up the television, Sullivan had
tearfully told her that he'd "hired someone to murder
Lita, to get rid of herS Suki acted as though this news
had come to her as a shock. Still, one can't help but
remember that the deed Sullivan had presumably
given her in 1986 was useless as long as Lita lived. Did
Suki - shrewd Suki, savvy Suki - know that soon
enough there would be no one to object to her being
the joint tenant of Casa Eleda?
IN AUGUST, 1 SPENT A WEEK ASJIM SuLLivAN's HOUSE-
guest in Palm Beach. Why did he invite a reporter?
Hubris, perhaps, or maybe just the need for compan-
ionship. I discovered shortly after I arrived that since
Junejust after his return from SouthamptonSul-
livan liad been serv-
ing a one-year sen-
tence ofhouse arrest
for perjury, a felony. It
seems that in 1990,
Sullivan was involved
in a fender bender
while driving without
a license, and he per-
suaded Suki to testify
that she had been be-
hind the wheel. This
so angered prosecu-
tors that they went
after both of them,
leaving Sullivan no
choice but to plea-
bargain and do a
stretch of soft time.
Sullivan's sentence
stipulated that he be
confined to his
home - the one on the
beach with the wine
cellar and swimming
pool - seven days a
week. The exception
to this was that Monday through Saturday, between the
hours of9:00 a.m. and 9:00 p.m., he could, after noti-
fy ing the police leave his residence for business and shop-
ping errands. The Palm Beach County Sheriff's Depart-
ment could monitor Sullivan via a transmitter attached
to his left ankle that sent signals to two computerized
receivers in his home. Because ofthe size of Sullivan's
"prison some 17,000 square feet that he occupied all
by himself, one computer wasn't sufficient; the $270-
a-month operating costs were borne by the inmate.
Oddly, Sullivan seemed to have gone out ofhis way
to evoke a prison atmosphere. The house was dirty
dusty and in terrible disrepair: the ceiling in one up-
stairs bathroom had a foot-and-a-half hole, and the
Town Council had recently cited Sullivan for having
an overgrown lawn. Additionally, Sullivan, a notorious
cheapskate I saw him using the plastic wrapper
NOVEMBER 1991 SPY 47
from one morning's Wall StreetJoiirnal to cover a bowl formed mundane chores: the laundry, shopping, muck-
of food he was going to heat in his microwave oven - ing about the pooi. Dinner was usually set for seven
had decided against running any ofthe air-condition- o'clock, and afterward we would sit out on the lanai,
¡ng systems. Dank, humid, quietthe place had a facing a fountain that stands in the courtyard in the
feeling of despair about it that was palpable. center of the house. The fountain, of course, didn't
In the months I'd known Sullivan, I had been un- work, leaving us little to do but watch lizards run in
able to shake the sense that he was playing games with and out ofthe overgrown bougainvillea. We talked of
me. He knew that I had been a police detective and this and that, but mostly about him. Sullivan would sit
that I worked as a journalist. I had no sense that he in the same seat every night. His patterns never var-
wished to be caughthe was deeply familiar with the ied. Once, at dinner, he went to retrieve something
Atlanta Police Department's investigation ofbim, and from the kitchen, and I filled our wine goblets. When
called them oafsbut I think he enjoyed toying with be returned, he looked from glass to glass, his eyes
my suspicions. Soon after I arrived, he darting, and he briefly seemed
told me he had left two books for me angry. 'John,' he said evenly,
on my nightstand. One of "I believe you have
the books was Scott . my wineglass' It
Turow's Burden of Proof ' ; 4ii ,
hadn't occurred to
in part the story ola man ,: .
, Af me that he had a
presumed guilty of a I
special glass, and I
crime he did not, in fact, ._ .
-
: was astonished that
commit. The second was s
he could tell the
a pamphlet of poems by i
.... difference between
J. L. Diamond, M.D., en- -k'; what appeared to
titled Winter ofMy Time. -
me to be identical
The following excerpt is goblets. "How can
-- -
representative:
-

.
you tell?' I asked
him. He told me
'

. -- -... ,*.,..,

How sad death is so final _j .. %. that his glass had a

. -.- small chip on the
. ..

So complete ... -.
Life so fragmentary. .

%IÌ\
stem. The chip was
.
- f
How sad when death looms . minuscule.
-

Seldom ready...
. 'j.

After several
Time rarely in place. nights on the lanai, I finally
How sad death lingers broached the subject at
often pitifully... . hand. Jim," I asked, "did you
Unwilling to let go. -
arrange to have Lita killed?"
How sad death is painful He puffed on his cigar
a sudden calamity... thoughtfully for a moment
Unprepared are the future heirs. before answering. "What
Sometimes the trouble with dying husband,' he finally said,
Is knowing that its happening. I - "would be foolish enough to
Sometimes with suddenness
Out of the clear blue.
. 4lì have his wife killed on the
very day there is to be an im-
.-1
.
portant court decision?"
He seemed intent on dissembling, so
I

During my stay, Sullivan spent a good '

part ofevery day working with his files.
He wrote in his diary daily and kept . ,
copious records. He had piles and piles
ofnewspaper clippings and documents - . '.
packed into a second-floor office. These _ tell you about the life insurance her fam-
habits enable him to be extraordinarily pre-
cise when he wants to be: at a recent civil-court pro-
ceeding, in which he was testifying against George
Bissel, a convicted con artist who had defrauded Sul-
livan out of more than $1 million, Sullivan was able
to say that he had been in Bissel's company exactly
109 times.
When not poring over his various records, he per-
48SPYNOVEMBER 1991
I tried a different tack: "Well, who do
. .
!J you think murdered your wife?"
11llL'iiii:&' Again he paused to mull over his an-
- swer. "Well,John' he finally said, "did I
uy received?" He went on to explain that the
summer before her death, Lita, at her parents' request,
had taken out a $250,000 life-insurance policy, which
listed her parents as beneficiaries.
"Jim, are you suggesting that her parents were
responsible?"
"They did get all that money' he said in his clipped
way.
 tter several nights on the
.
The idea seemed
improbable (and
lanai, I finally broached the subject.
would seem more so "Jim," I asked "dud you have Lita killed?"
two weeks later when
I niet the McClintons - she a 50-ish homemaker, he a
57-year-old government official, as decent and mild-
mannered a couple as you would like to meet). I
pressed him further: 'Are you trying to tell me Lita's
parents would have murdered her for the money?"
"Well, maybe they weren't responsible,' he allowed,
"but I think they knew something'
"About what?"
'About Lita being involved in carrying drugs:' He
mentioned that Lita had been dating a prominent At-
¡anta business executive. "I think she may have been
carrying drugs for him'
I asked ifthe executive had ever been implicated in
any drug deals.
"Nor Sullivan said, "but his company did go out of
business. You know, he was black'
"What does that mean?"
"Nothing, except you never know with those people:'
Sullivan, who ¡s quite familiar with the investigation
into Lita's death, acknowledged that the police had
found no evidence ofdrugs in Lita's townhouse, and he
admitted that apart from occasional recreational use of
cocaine during the 1980s, Lita had no history of drug
involvement. Sullivan then offered a second theory:
"Marvin Marable could have done it to get even:'
Marvin Marable, a former New York State trooper,
was a small-time businessman who had set up numer-
ous get-rich-quick schemes in Atlanta. He was mar-
ned to Poppy Finley Marable, an old school chum of
Lira's. Poppy and Lita had renewed their friendship
when Lita left Sullivan and returned to Atlanta.
(Poppy was present in Lita's townhouse at the time of
the murder, lending her support during her divorce.)
According to Sullivan, Marable had thought his wife
was cheating on him, and so he'd put a tap on her
phone and recorded her conversations. Lita had
caught him and reported him to the police. Marable
was charged with illegal wiretapping and pleaded
nob contendere. He ended up with two years of pro-
bation - hardly the sort of thing to inspire a revenge
murder.
Sullivan then told me something remarkable: he had
listened to the tapes. "Marvin contacted my lawyer in
Atlanta Sullivan said. He said the tapes would be help.
ful against Lita. But my lawyer didn't want any part of
them. I told Marable to send them to me. There must
have been 300 to 400 hours oftapes. I remember listen-
ing for days. Poppy and Lita talked about the places they
were going and the things they were doing" Sullivan also
said there were conversations between Lita and the
businessman she was dating. "There was talk about
drugs and parties and other people she was seeing:'
I wondered why Marvin Marable, a black, street-
savvy go-getter, would care enough to reach out and
help a rich white Bostonian in Palm Beach. Sullivan's
speculation "1 don't knos maybe to get even with his
wife or something" seemed weak. I wondered why
neither Atlanta police investigators nor FBI agents had
sought to listen to the hundreds ofhours' worth of the
private calls of Lita Sullivan - tapes that her husband
heard and that have been maintained byjohn Taylor,
the attorney representing Sullivan in the divorce
proceedings with Lita.
WHAT IS ON THE TAPES? PERHAPS, AS SULLIVAN SUG-
gests, they contain nothing but the prosaic conversa-
tions of Lita Sullivan and Poppy Marable, two old
friends' chatter. Or perhaps they have interesting in-
formation about the first time that death interceded,
very conveniently, to enhancejim Sullivan's financial
standing.
In 1974, Sullivan was a 33-year-old accountant, liv-
ing in Boston with his first wife, Catherine, and his
four youngchildren. Nothing about his circumstances
suggested he was on the fast track. Then an uncle in
Macon, Georgia, Frank Bienert, the owner ofa large
liquor distributorship, madejim an attractive offer: i'm
in my sixties. getting close to retirement. and i have no children
to leave my business to. Come help me mn the place, and I'll
giveyou a share ofthe business. It was an offer Bienert had
earlier made to Sullivan's brother, who hadn't work.
ed out to Bienert's satisfaction and was dismissed.
According to Sullivan, after extensive negotiations, he
agreed to move south; the agreement they reached held
that he would receive 10 percent of the business and
that the share would gradually increase to 48 percent.
Sullivan also prevailed upon Bienert, as part of the
agreement, to change his will and make him the sole
owner of the business upon the uncle's death.
"After I was there only ten months:' Sullivan glee-
fully told me one night, 'the fat old bastard keeled over
from a heart attack, right onto a pallet of vodka:'
Marveling at how coincidence and sudden death
managed to play such a forceful role injim Sullivan's
life, I went to Macon. There I found that Sullivan had
been lying to me once again.
In Macon I talked with more than 20 people, in-
cluding former employees of Bienert's who remem-
bered Jim Sullivan. Many of them remembered that
they didn't like him very much, that they found him
condescending and rude. They also remembered that
during the ten months they worked together, Bie-
nert had grown angry with his nephew's attitude
and behavior. By the end ofDecember 1974, Sullivan
was on his way out. Numerous employees say that for
all practical purposes he was already fired.
On December 30, Bienen drafted an indictment of
Sullivan's transgressions, which he intended to present
NOVEMBER 1991 SPY 49
 n September 6, FBI agents
searched Casa Eleda. They ti'e possibility.
Three days ear-
found four guns, including a sawed-off shotgun.
- -
to him on Friday,Jauuary IO. "I am reading this statc-
ment as an indictment to record the pOor performance
ofyour tenure, it read, "and use this means to strive
for. . . consciousness of the many unsatisfactory and
unresolved problems of your operational manage-
ment - the worst of any I bave experienced - and one
which was leading to chaos.
"You havent carried your weight, earned your
keep. . .or made our lives easier, better or happier for
your coming here. On the contrary, you have made
things harder for just about everyone. . .and have put
a serious and undue strain upon me and my family's
well-being. ...
"Further, you have shown little reciprocity, appreci-
ation or constructive response and action. You have
made our relationship a one-way streetyour direc-
tion only. In short, you havent . . . been a good relation.
We expected much more.' Bienert worked hard on the
statement. There were four drafts, and it went on for
several pages.
fhough Bienert was unremittingly blunt, he did
hold out to Sullivan the slim possibility of another
chance. Still, it does not seem he put much faith in
liei on Decem-
ber 27, Bienert
had drafted a codicil to his will that removed Sullivan
as executor, and he'd sent that codicil to his attorney,
Ellsworth HallJr. Bienert must have then reflected on
the matter further. I spoke to an old friend of Bicnerts,
a Macon contractor who had a weekly golfing date
with Bienert and Hall. He told me that on their outing
that week, Bienert had told I-Jail to revise his will and
eliminate Sullivan as a beneficiary.
Hall must have sensed no urgency. The codicil was
not filed and was later disallowed, and the revision
was not drafted. But sometime after lunch on January
3, the day Sullivan returned from a vacation in
Boston, Frank Bienert, 65 years old but in good
health, became violently ill. Overwhelmed with
nausea and bouts ofvomiting, and unable to catch his
breath, he went home early. Relief was not forthcom-
ing; the symptoms persisted into the next day, and he
began passing black stool. Bienert, a man whose worst
gastrointestinal complaint until that time had been
mild indigestion, was internally hemorrhaging.
Despite his distress, Bienert was not taken to a
hospital. His wife, Agnes, was a Christian Scientist.
She had once sat in a chair for three days with a broken
hip, waiting for God to cure her. Family members, cer-
tainly, were aware of the depth of her beliefs.
Five days after he was stricken, a dying Frank
Bienert called a trusted employee, who immediately
took him to the hospital. Jim Sullivan somehow
learned ofthis and rushed to the hospital, arriving in
time to sign the admitting forms. Bienert died within
hours. i'hc attending physician attributed the death to
cardiac arrest. No autopsy was performed. Jim Sul-
livan handled the funeral arrangements. He shipped
the body to Boston after ordering the mortuary to
prepare it for cremation.
I spoke to Dr. Michael Baden, the chief of forensics
for the New York State Police, and asked him what he
thought ofthe case. He was appropriately cautious and
advised that Bienert's symptoms were consistent with
many conditions, one ofwhich, however, was poison-
ing. He noted that doctors frequently miss poisoning
in their diagnoses, since the symptoms resemble those
of other, more probable conditions. I asked him specif-
ically whether the symptoms were consistent with
coumadin poisoning, and he acknowledged that they
were. Coumadin is an anticoagulant, and its proper-
ties were well known toJim Sullivan. His first wife re-
quired an operation to relieve a clotting problem she
suffered during pregnancy. She remembers him engag-
ing in long discussions with her physician about the
danger of hemorrhaging that coumadin presented.
One week after Frank Bienert's death, Catherine Sul-
livan packed up her four young children and left her
suddenly enriched husband forever.
ONE NIGHT IN PALM BEACH, OUT OF THE BLUE, JOEL
Weissman, Sullivan's divorce lawyer, told me who he
thought had killed Lita. "I believe Suki either knew of
or was responsible for Lita's murder' he said. I had the
definite feeling Sullivan had put him up to this. Later
he elaborated. "Jim Sullivan:' he said, "is a genius, a
mastermind, and could set you up, but he would be in.
capable ofsetting up Litas murder:' Before I could ask
Weissman about the apparent inconsistency of that
statement, he abruptly said goodnight and left. Whcn
I told Sullivan about Weissman's abrupt exit, he hc-
came upset. "That was rude' he said, "but he's a Jew
and lacks taste"
Later I asked Sullivan ifhe agreed with Weissman's
statement about Suki's being a potential killer. "Suki
was not capable of such an act' he insisted. But ir
seems he gave the proposition some more thought.
The next day, while I was accompanying Sullivan on
some errands, he told me that although he still thought
Suki incapable of Lita's murder, he remembered that
she had once threatened the former girlfriend of her
new lover. "I can hurt you:" Sullivan remembered
hcr telling the woman.
After dinner that night, we parked ourselves on u
pair of mildewed couches out on the lanai. Sullivan
isn't the type to squander money on profligate electric-
ity use, and the only illumination was from a small
lamp and the glowing ash of his cigar. Sullivan asked
me how my work was going, and I told him I hadn't
decided yet whether I had enough to write a story. I
reminded him that his lawyer was sure Suki had killed
Lita, but that he, Sullivan, thought it might have been
Marvin Marable, or drug dealers. I decided then to
deliver a message. "If I discover it's Marable," I told
him, "I'll write that. If I discover it's Suki, I'll write
that. But,Jim, if I discover itas you, I'll write thaC
His body tensed and his face hardened, and I saw
his fingers gripping his brandy snifter so tightly that I
thought it would shater. Then, in a voice that was at
first barely audible but steadily increased in volume,
he said, "John, I am not interested in social redemp-
non; I am interested in money. In fact, I may write my
own book.'
For a while thereafter we sat in cold silence. Fi-
nally mercifully the phone rang, and Sullivan
leapt up to answer it. Ten minutes passed, then he
returned. "I'm going to be on this call for a while' he
said cheerfully. "Let's talk more about this tomorrow'
We never broached the subject ofLita's murder again.
SECTION 1952A OF TÌTLE 18 OF THE U.S. CODE
prohibits the use of interstate-communications facili-
tiesthe telephone, among other instrumentsin
the commission ola murder-for-hire. It is a broad stat-
ute, meaning that the elements ofproofrequired for a
conviction are nowhere near as rigorous as they would
be for a more specific crime, such as murder itself. Un-
der this section, the government would not have to
identify the person who pulled the trigger, only show
that interstate-communications facilities were used to
arrange the murder and that money changed hands.
To prosecute James Sullivan successfully, the goy-
ernrnent would have to prove that he had a motive;
his unwillingness to split his assets with Lita and his
kur of jeopardizing his comfortable life would surely
suffice. The government would have to show that his
intent was to eliminate the threat to his assets and way
of lifeLitaand that he used
interstate-communications facili-
ties to accomplish the murder. No
doubt the long-distance call from
Georgia to Palm Beach just after
the murder would come into evi-
dence. The government would
also have to prove that someone
was paid for the murder.
Armed with a warrant ob-
tamed with evidence I gave them,
the FBI searched Casa Eleda on
September 6. Among the items
they removed were a handgun, a rifle and two shot-
guns, one ofthem sawed-offitems that a felon is not
entitled to possess. The Palm Beach prosecutor
brought weapons-possession charges against Su i I ivan,
and a judge immediately revoked his house arrest and
put him in prison. Meanwhile, the FBI agents began
sifting through the other items they'd removed from
the house. A week later, on Septeynber 13, the FBI ar-
rested Thomas Henley, a 34-year-old Georgia man,
and charged him with murder, accusing him of being
one ofthe men who participated in the shooting. In an
aflidavit in support ofthe arrest warrant, the FBI links
Sullivan to the plot. They are also seeking Marvin
Marable for questioning. No doubt they are hoping
that Henley or Marable will help them develop the
final bits of evidence they need to bring Sullivan
to justice.
The night of Henley's arrest, Catherine Sullivan
called me. She told me she had told someone close to
her, a family member, about my theories concerning
the death ofFrank Bienert. " '0h" Catherine Sullivan
told me the relative sadly replied, " 'I always thought
Jim killed Uncle Frank"
NOVEMBER 1991 SPY 51
 How lt's Possible to Become a Titl

t, t/l1;e1411f
SPY \ VI II I
Member of European Nobility for Less Than the Price of a Hyundai

A A HE PLAYBOY MANSION IN BEVERLY HILLS HAS BEEN THE SITE OF

f I
many insanely over-die-top spectacles during che last two
decades, but few have approached the insanity of the proceedings that occurred one sunny morning in 1989, a
short time before Hugh Heiner forsook his bathrobed-groove-machine persona and married 26-year-old Kimber-
ley Conrad. Ou the day in question a small crowd of attendants were dispatched to the mansion's entrance to
greet the Rolls-Royce Shadow that had just pulled in the driveway. From the car emerged a distinguished
man clad ¡n official-looking royal regalia, complete with medals, a sash across the chest and a two-cornered hat.
This resplendent figure was escorted into the mansion's library, where Hei, in black tie, and his bride-to-be, im-
maculately turned out in a red silk dress with mink cape and three-yard train, greeted him. A hush fell upon the
room, which had been done up in ersatz medieval-bordello style (low lighting, brick fireplace, a throne before
which lay a velvet pillow crossed by a saber), when the decorated man, His Highness Prince Frederic von Anhalt,
Duke of Saxony, Count of Ascaniamore commonly known by his other title, the eighth Mr. Zsa Zsa Gabor
seated himself upon the throne and instructed Conrad to kneel before him on the pillow. Wielding the saber,
Prince Frederic declared in German, "In the name ofthe House ofAscania and continuing in the tradition of Al-
brecht the Bear, I do proclaim thee a knight." Though Conrad, who was named Playboy Playmate of the Year that
year, speaks no German, she cried after the ceremony, apparently suffused with joy over her ascent to the aristoc-
racy and her newfiund association by marriage with more truculent Gabor sister.
For the privilege of being married to Princess Kimberley Conrad, Hei
shelled out $550,000 to Prince Frederic, who had himself become a
prince through purely financial means: many years ago, when he was
merely Robert Lichtenburg, a bank teller from Karlsruhe, Germany, the
future prince made a deal with the impecunious daughter-in-law of
Kaiser Wilhelm to obtain a royal title in exchange for a yearly payment
of 2,000 marks. (He stopped paying her after three years.) Indeed, any-
one with the funds and desire to obtain a royal title can easily do so.
What you get for your money is rarely tangible in the material sense
more often it's signet rings and writing paper, not castles and fiefsbut
the more expensive titles definitely have more to offer the viscount-
come-lately than do the cheap ones.
The sum of $300,000 , I learned, would purchase the title of Prinz
Von Sayn-Wittgenstein, an honor that allows you to claim the ancestry
ofCharlemagne's battle opponents and the philosopher Ludwig
Witcgenstein; a no-frills Scottish lairdship, on the other hand, could be
obtained for a few hundred dollars. And deals? I found them galore.
Right now may be one of the best times ever to buy a title, the market
for royalty being as depressed as that for real estate. And remember that
in a recession, cash is king. A spokesman for the Chase Manhattan Bank "I dub thee queen of the
told spy that while Chase doesn't have an explicit policy concerning the Playmates!": Kimberley Conrad's
knighting, as pictured ri the
financing of royal titles, personal loans are available for practically any German magazine Bunte; note
purpose, and royal-title seekers wouldn't be disqualified. Hef I beaming in the background.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO OBTAIN A TITLE? THE CONCLUSION I CAME TO,

after months of studying Burke's Peerage and answering newspaper adver-
NOVEMBER t991 SPY 3
tisements for German baronies and Serbian dukedoms for sale, is that get- icy to assume his title. He dc-
ting a title ofany kind is like joining a club that has the requisite snooti- murred on the issue of nuts-and-
ness and exclusivity but no sports or dining facilities. Sure, the House of bol ts negotiations, referri ng me
Lords pays its peers $128 for every day they show up and offers a view of to his lawyer in Munich, the curi-
the Thames, but that's about as good as it gets. An equally important ously titled Dr. Dr. René Platzer
conclusion is that titled nobility take themselves seriously and, for the von Fabricius (a holder of two
most part, are taken somewhat seriously by others [see "His Lairdship Ph.D.'s? A person with especially
Takes Manhattan," page 58). But is a purchased title as good as the kind bad handwriting?), who the baron
you inherit? Shockingly, in most cases the answer is yes. Most titled fami- said would contact me about the
lies throughout history began as ordinary families in which one member, necessary commercial arrange-
through money or marriage, acquired royal standing. Within a generation fl1eflts. "Perhaps I may be in New
or two of a commoner's urc1ase of a title, people forget how long the York and we can meet then, or if
purchaser's 1anilv has [ . been titled. In France, for you come to Germany, we can
example, there are now two aristocracies, one con- meet in Munich. I will have mv
sisting of those whose an- lawyer contact you," lie told me. I
cesrors survived the promised to call him once I re-
Revolution, the other con- ceived his package. "Super, super.
sisting of the descendants Michad," he said. Within a fejv
of Napoleonic pretenders. days, I received a letter fronrThe
attorney, which confirmed two no-
table pieces of information: that I
A AOIP1IIS SCOUÌSH IaÍPsHÌv would become entitled to the
barony by being adopted by VOn
cao He oh1oìeO te der Trenck in South Africa, and
that the price tag for the entire
just D Jew huoOPe Oollars
transaction would he $ 100,000.
For days thereafter, I imagined
that somewhere in the Austrian
Alps, the baron, reclining in some
Europe's tapped-out
nobility is all too eager to tavern between luge runs, with a
correspond with check- song by Abba playing in the
book-wielding Americans. background, would be seized by
the memory of his debts. But
then he would recall this Amen-
In typical French fashion, the latter group has become every bit as can in New York, who might buy
haughty' and unpleasant as the former. his title and replenish his coffers
for another year of the good life.
IN MOST COUNTRIES IT'S ENTIRELY LEGAL TO BUY A TITLE. ONcE THE PAPER- With that he would order another
work is signed, the money paid, and your name altered on the record books, brandy. Of course, I hadn't the
you really are the rightful owner of your title. The next trick is to get your- means to replenish his coffers for
self listed in one of the royal directories, such as DeBnttc Peerage or Burke's more than another couple of days
Peerage in England, or the Dictionnaire de la uzoblesse française in France. From of the good life, but the image
there, it's your prerogative to avoid employment, appear smug in paparazzi moved me.
photographs and romp around Nice in a thong bathing suit. After a maddening three-week
After answering an advertisement in the In:er,,ational Herald 'friba'me reriod of waiting fon more infor-
that read, "Would you like to become an aristocrat? German baron offers marion, I received in the mail a
his title to highest bidder," I received the following message, delivered in large yellow box containing a Po-
a crisp, cheery voice, on my answering machine: 'This is Baron Von der lanoid of the baron (which re-
Trenck calling. I received your letter about the title. I am in Austria for vealed him to be jovial-looking
the next two months. So please call me. Thank you, sir." and 50-ish), a book in German
I hastened to call the baron back. His phone was answered by a woman outlining the exploits of his an-
I took to be a maid, and after an appropriately long intervallong cestors, a map of the traditional
enough, I imagined, for the baron to traverse the expansive, Souid of homestead (no longer owned by
Musiclike manor house in which he surely livedhe greeted me. He ex- the family) and a scrapbook of
plained, charmingly, that he was in Austria for "the winter sports," and newspaper clippings about a lesti-
that his ancestors had been wcII known in Germany since the year A.D. val held every year in the town of
700. There was not even the strnblaiìcc oían investigation ofmy suitahil- Waldmünchen. lt was customary.
54SPYNOVEMaER 1991
 the baron's letter explained, for a
member of the baron's family to
attend this historic celebration,
known as the Von der Trenck
Festspiele, which was staged for
locals every yearand, he im-
plied, this would be one of the
rights of my title.
Thrilled as J was at the pros-
pect of quafling Weissbier and gob-
bling wursts with my subjects, I
was hazy as to what other privi-
leges the Von der Trenck barony
entailed. I pressed Fabricius, and
he explained, "Generally speak-
ing, the privileges connected with
the title are mostly in the form of
an honorarium. Should, however,
a member of the Von der Trenck
family acquire and own the estate
of Schakulak, situated in East
Dan Quayle "Competitiveness czar"
(Business Week, February
27, 1989)
Jack Kemp "Poverty czar" (The Wall
Street Journal, February
22, 1991)
E. J. 'Zeke" Illinois's 'gambling czar"
Giorgi (Chicago Tribune, May
30, 1990)
John Macfarlane Canadian TV's "news
czar" (Maclean's,
September 10, 1990)
Reuben Greenberg "Crime czar" of Mobile,
Alabama (Atlanta
Journal, May 20, 1990)
Or. John Lyons "Standards czar"
(Industry Week, July
2, 1990)
John Garamendi "Insurance czar" (Los
Angeles Times, May
19, 1990)
Prussia (currently part of the disintegrating Soviet Union], he acquires
with it the title ofcount (a more impressive title than baron). Under the
changing conditions in the Soviet Union, this should become a possibility
in the near future. " Intrigued, I wrote to Fabricius once more, to lobby
for a reduction of the title's price. I wasn't about to spend loo G's just to
live in hope of reviving the East Prussian nobility.
Besides, by this point I had other irons in the fire, and I was no longer
acting in my own interest. I had taken it upon myself to secure a title of
nobility for Walter MonheitlM, spy's persnickety messenger/critic-at-
large and a man more qualified than most to claim regal status, since he
was actually born in Europe between the wars. My research on Monheit's
behalf revealed countless nobi options to explore. One pretender who
i i ty
seems perpetually to be hawking his good name in the classifieds is His
Majesty King Marcijan II Lavarello-Obrenovich, king of Serbia and
Bosnia (at press time, still in exile), whose ad declares that the king is
seeking applications for a "limited number of noble titles. " Upon answer-
ing his ad in The New York Ti,nes, I received a letter explaining "the affairs
of the Culniral Counsel of the Royal and Imperial House of Serbia and
Bosnia,' under the control of His Majesty King Marcijan II Lavarello-
Obrenovich (in exile), are being conducted. . .by Baron Robbert W. H.
van Haersolte" in Berlin. The baron, who signed the letter, added, "We
FAKE ROYAS, HEAL PHESIIGE
The New American Czar Glut
Chairman, Competitiveness Unavailable for comment Spokesperson says no.
Council; vice president, United
States of America
Secretary, Department of Spokesperson says poverty czar is a Spokesperson says yes.
Housing and Urban Development; misnomer: " He wouldn't designate
chair, Economic Empowerment himself a czar. He doesn't really
Task Force like it. "
State representative, Illinois "It's like a double-edged sword... . No.
General Assembly It's a little disappointing to be
remembered as the gambling czar."
Managing director of news, "To call me a czar [is] really Yes.
features and informational laughable....To act like a czar [at
programming, Canadian TV Clvi would be impossible. But I hope
to know that pleasure someday."
Public-safety director, Mobile "It's a good feeling, but also a No.
terrible burden. You work harder,
trying to develop the expertise
people expect you to have."
Director, National Institute of Aide says. "This is a federal Aide says yes.
Standards and Technology research laboratory. We do not
issue standards. That's tasteless to
link someone in industry with
what's going on in Russia, isn't it?"
California State insurance "It beats Communism." "I was there in '86 and
commissioner have had a stomach
virus ever since."
David Hyatt
 çT.
:. '
(
'

0.

ø__' ,
require your personal partic-
ulars which must stand up
to any investigation." No
problem, I thought. I wrote
back Baron Van Haer-
without question internationally."
As for how long it would take,
"the time frame involved, from re-
ceipt of the application to final
granting of title of nobility by
.
.. -
_.41.=.
. -
solte, saying Walters "en- His Majesty, is normally not more
.:
.-.
. - - --:;. .
... -.=-.-'- trepreneurial and other than six (6) weeks." My mild at-
-

j'.'
.
..
-
.
;ò;:7r,.
_r__..J_
..
--- talents have led to a success- tempt at bargaining was
: .
ful life with many accom- ignoredthe king maintained his
.
s plishments in different high five- and six-figure asking
e.' industries, including that of prices. I decided to take Walter's
.
.

=..."r- '-r-
movies as well as publish- and my business elsewhere.

j
S

:II1
E-L;-
! f'
.
ing." So began another
round of negotiations.
King Marcijan's offer
turned out to be murky. In
an inspired bit of hawks-
manship, he'd decided not
TRADITIONALLY, THE MOST POPU-
lar source of titles for Americans
has been England. Anglophiles
all, we can't resist the tempta-
tions of tweed or of saying, "Let's
simply to sell titles straight- shoot a brace of quail. Sadly,
'

'1iI
forwardly but ro ask would- however, real British titles,
be lieges to send him cash, known as peerages, are reserved
whereupon he would or for those born to them or those
wouldn't grant a title according to his royal whim. Confidentially, the who contribute large amounts of
baron indicated that "the titles of Baron, Count and Duke are at your dis- money to the party in power or
posai. The family name depends on the title and refers to a location or a render some equivalent service.
landscape and is chosen in a way it is easily expressible for American The easier-to-obtain titleswide-
tongue." The suggested "honorarium" for the available titles ranged from ¡y advertised by the British real
$50,000 to $200,000. In return, Count Monheit could expect the follow- estate firm Bernard Thorpe and
ing perks: a conferment certificate, the familys coat ofarms, the chronicle Partners and an organization
ofthe Lavarello-Obrenovich lineage, a signet ring and writing paper. called the Manorial Society of
A Wall SireetJournai article revealed why His Majesty needed the Great Britainare known
"
as
money. The king, or kralj in his native tongue, had for many years lived "lordships of the manor. MTV
in an unheated apartment, with nei-
ther queen nor heirs. Forced out of DA. KISSINGEB REGREtS..
'-« ---- . -' .

power at the turn of the century, the

family had had its remaining land
What good are titles ifyou can' flaunt them? After dropping a bundle for Walter
stolen by the king's accountant, and I

Monheit's lairdship, WC wanted to introduce him formally into Society. Fifty swells
a burglar had lifted the then king's (includitg Ralph Lauren, Claus von Bülow, Liz Smith, Henry Kissinger and Sly
crown, Marcijan sounded like a real Stallone) vere invited to join Laird Walter for 'the Glorious Twelfthan actual
loser, but I figured a title was a title. &ottish holiday celebrating the first day ofred-grouse shooting on the moors. Of
I wrote to His Majesty's baronial course, we never intended to hold the event; we just wanted to see who might consider
secretary to explain that Walter spending a weekend with a titled person they'd never heard of.
wanted to be a duke but was also in-
WILLIAM BUCKLEY'S OFFICE: 'He'll not be able to go. You know, he doesn't plan to be
cerested in the lower-rent possibilities
flying to Scotland." JOHN SUNUNU'S OFFICE: "He cannot go. We have some business
of becoming a count or baron, and I to take care of." Lt he aware u're oringJree transportation? "Yes." BE ROSENTHAL AND
asked how much of a donation WS SHIRLEY LORD (HER OFFICE): "She wanted me to get a few more details." We explained
required for each. Giving no quarter. what the Glorious Twelfth was; later her secretary called back: 'She'll be in Montana at
Baron Van Haersoltc responded, "Is i
the time But she would like to remain on your mailing list. " PATRICIA KLUGE'S
[sic) already mentioned it is His Royal not familiar with him. Does he have a business here" He spends most of
Highness only who decides about an his time grouse-hunting. "Oh. Who else is on the guest list?" lt's a very big list. Who isn t
. . .

application for a title and the ade-

quate fee." In response to my 1"
[EWee - _ on it u'ouldtake less time. "Okay, I'll be in touch." We
received a call with Mrs. Kluge's regrets. SYLVIA MILES
question about how the title ''' (AFTER BEING ASSURED SHE'D HAVE FREE LODGINGS): 'lt
would be conferred, the Baron k
'''' sounds interesting. I might very ve!l be able to come."
wrote, "Titles conferred by His '« we informed her the event was canceledLaird
Majesty are by Letters Patent
\
--'--'
".'' Walter had been injured in a hunting accident. "Well,
and are therefore recognized m» lct'strYagain for next year." )

56 SPY NOVEMBER I 991

gave one away last year, and this
summer British Airways offered
one in a promotional campaign.
Even Sotheby's tried to auction
one off not long ago, this one in
Stratford-upon-Avon, but the
bids didn't come close to the re-
serve of25O,OOO.
According to David Wil-
liamson, coeditor of Deßre#s and
an authority on English nobility,
there is no connection whatsoever
between the easily purchased
lordships of the manor and the
blue-blooded peers of the realm.
Consider, for instance, Joe Hardy,
a Pittsburgh lumber baron who
recently threw a large party in
western Pennsylvania celebrating
his elevation to the lordship of
the manor of Henley-in-Arden,
Warwickshire. ("It's just a big
laugh," says Hardy.) Upon acquir-
ing this particular lordship for
S170,000, Hardy feted guests at
his spa complex with bagpipe
music, champagne and musicians
from the Pittsburgh Symphony
Orchestra. Lordships of the manor
were originally the smallest units
in the old feudal system. In 1922
the titles were separated from the
land they described. Subsequent-
'y, most people forgot about them
until a businessman named
Robert Smith founded the Mano-
rial Society of Great Britain in
1981. Operating from a small
office next to a fish-and-chips
place in a seedy part of London,
Smith began tracking down heirs,
buying up the rights to their
names and reselling them to par-
venus. Frequently Smith's deals
leave you with nothing but a
title, and his prices reach into the
hundreds of thousands of pounds.
Given these circumstances, I
thought it best to seek out more
reasonable options.
I found two brokers of titles,
cach with full portfolios. The
lirst, a French stockbroker named
(;hristoj,h Paikert, represented
none other than Baron Von der
Trcnckthe man who had al-
ready offered me a German
barony for $100,000. Paikert's asking price of$l40,000 gave me an idea
of the markup. Then again, ir suggested that Paikert was on the level. He
said many of his customers were wine merchants or others who could de-
rive a marketing benefit from using a royal name. "In Germany," he
wrote, "lives a lot of nobel [sic) people who have all the same problem:
the maintain of their castle or of their family. The solution of this is of
course the adoption." He faxed me a list ofavailable titles. They included
those of Prinz Von Hohenzollern, for $280,000; Prinz Von Sayn-
Wittgenstein, the most expensive at $300,000; and Baron Von Der
Ropp-Cram, the cheapest at $ I 30,000.
When I mentioned that Walter is in his sixties, Paikert raised a poten-
tial problem. Under German law, the person being adopted must be at
least 18 years younger than the PCtSOfl doing the adopting. Finding an
old enough baron might be tricky. What about doing the adoption in an-
other country?, I wondered. He answered
that he liked Germany because the process
was quick. But there was, he said, another
option: marriage.
lt turned out that Paikert had just the
person in mind. The asking price for the
Now is a ooO tiffe to huy a title, Ilie
ifiarket lOP Poyalty 001011 S
rei estie
oevesseo s thAI 10
In his official limo on Fifth Avenue,
Bensonhurst's newest airdmake that
Bensonhurst's only lairdfits right in.
young woman, Countess Von I lasslinger, age 26, was $175,000. I wrote
inquiring whether conjugal relations would be required. I also asked
whethcr the countess would accompany Count Monheit out on the town.
After all, I wasn't about to get Walter involved in an unhappy Charles-
and-I)iana situation. Paikert did not answer the first question but assured
me that "if required the Countess ofcourse will travel with Mr. Monheit
to different occasions. . .but please do understand that the Countess's Fam-
ily no longer attends the world famous Balls, Horse Races etc. due to the
financial situation." In response to my question as to whether the count
might enjoy any special privileges in his region of Upper Saxonya pig
here, a chicken there, the ancient seignorial right to the maidens of the
villagePaikert wrote, "There are no more political or other privileges
connected with the title, except that even to this day, the common peo-
pie treat a count with the expected respect." Paikert said the marriage
would take only three days to arrange. As an added incentive, he men-
tioned that someone had recently asked him if he knew any good candi-
dates to appear on Lifestyles ofihe Rich and Famolls.
And then I hit the jackpot. I'd begun a correspondence with a man by
the name of Baron Wayne B. de Montfort-Yeager, who has offices in the
Idle Hour Center in Lexington, Kentucky. The Baron De Montfort-
Ycageror Baron Wayne, as I took to thinking of himsoon sent me an
entire booklet on noble titles. "Besides the obvious fun of being called
Count So-and-So everywhere you go," it says, " . . .something should also be
NOVEMBER 1991 SPY 57
 A Sf7 PRANK: IllS LAIROSOIP lAKES MANHAITAN

We decided to test-drive the Scottish lairdship we purchased for Walter Mon- heitTM by dressing hm
in a convincing Scotsmans get-up, as best as we could surmise from Scotch- whiskey adswoolen
Glengarry cap, bright red tunic, tartan kilt, tasseled shoes, knee socksand loosing him upon the
hot spots of haute New York's upper reaches for an afternoon. Recognizing that no self-respecting laird would travel alone,
much less by taxi, we equipped Monheit with a black stretch limousine (with the flag ofScotland affixed to the antenna) and
an entourage consisting of two men in jackets and ties and two gorgeous young women in glamorous but understated outfits
From spy's Union &uare offices the limousine repaired to Mortimer's, the hoity-toity Upper East Side lunching spot of the
idle rich, and there began Laird Walter's Manhattan adventurean adventure during which every stranger he encountered
took him and his title utterly seriously.
12:30 p.m. The entouraqe, which has spent most of the ride from Union Square earnestly discussing Laird Walter's imaginary
(rï_.
--- war service under Montgomery in North Africa, empties from the limousine and enters Mortimers. A female operative notes
that three megasocialitesBLAINE TRUMP, CAROLYNE ROEHM and GAYFRYD STEINBERGare seated just a few tables away.

12:40 p.m. A waiter appears. An entourage member asks him to describe the Scotch whiskeys available; the waiter complies.
Laird Walter, a teetotaler, interrupts and asks for something sweet. "Sweet?" the waiter asks. " Uh, I'm sure you know a lot
more about Scotches than I do, but I'm not sure which is sweet. " After some hurried, embarrassed discussion, it is determined that
Laird Walter doesn't want Scotch but something along the lines of orange or cranberry juice. The waiter brings the laird a combinatio
of the two.

12:55p.m. Laird Walter orders the grilled salmon, with spinach soup for starters. GLENN BERNBAUM, the owner of Mortimer's,
walks up to the table to greet Laird Walter. A male member of the entourage says to Bernbaum, "You know the laird."
Bernbaum graciously shakes Laird Walter's hand.

1:00 p.m. Pay dirt? GAYFRYD STEINBERG, en route to the ladies' room, stops by Laird Walter's table, drops her hands on the
laird's shoulders, leans over and whispers in his ear, "You look absolutely wonderful. We're all sojealous." Before walking away,
she gives him a small, affectionate squeeze on the shoulders.
¡
'
j& .

for the advantage of a title in the singles scene. Being a Baron or nizes him as such, so he is, ipso
Baroness makes finding dates much easier, certainly, but the real benefit facto, the Count. We can arrange
comes from the wider exposure due to more invitations, everyone wanting to have your employer created ei-
''
to set their daughter up with The Count. The book discusses a wide vari- ther Baron Walter Von Monheit;
ety of titles for sale, from membership in the Knights of Malta ($2,800), to Walter, Baron de Monheit; or Rt.
the Order of the Cordon Bleu du Saint Esprit ($2,500), to Eastern Euro- Hon. Walter Monheit, Baron of
pean titles from HRH Prince Alexis dAnjou, grandson ofthe last czar, who Whatever. My fees for this service
is said to bestow them in return for donations to his favorite charities. As are usually around $2,500, but I
the booklet notes, "This may make a portion of the cost tax-deductible.' would rather have the distin-
Subsequent correspondence revealed even more deals. guished Mr. Monheit as a client
Quite intriguing was the baron's reference to making a than the extra money, so I'll drop
bi! the price to $1,500. I sincerely be-
lieve that this barony offers a
"Belofi a BaPOH or Oarooess makes JiDihilil saies cost/benefit ratio that is unbeat-
able."
Ililicli easier," says ooe U.S.-haseo tille oker Still, the cheapest deal re-
mained a Scottish lairdship for
$600. Moreover, it would be
quickest to obtain. I offered $450
Mere mortals must schedule an on Walter's behalf, half payable up
appointment; riot His Lairdship! front, and asked if I could put it
on American Express. The baron
client a consul-general from "just about any Third World country to just insisted on cash, but we had a
about anywhere else for $ i 5,000." "Mr. Monheit," Baron Wayne observed, deal. The idea, he explained, was
"would receive not only official ambassadorial identification (thereby elimi- to buy some lairded land. With
nating tax liabilities), but [diplomatic license) plates and diplomatic immu- that, Walter would become Laird
nity as well." The latter could come in especially handy for Walter. As a Monheit. No matter that the
wild-card option, the baron mentioned the Compte de Paris. "The Compte," amount of land was rather small
he wrote, "has no Letters Patent proving his country, but all ofsociety recog- one square foot, to be precise.
5$SPYNOVEMBER 1991
 wnat You've Been MÌSSÌn9!
September 1987
--- October 1988 I NAugust 1989
I

- TIlE Mj \ Who 1)FFND THE Mou !iicSPV lOO Who WAS \VII()
- Do Mafia Iawyersoops. a/lege/ Our annual roster of the 100 most I-low time travel could really
work. The little mogul that
i- Mafia lawyers, that isrtiilly ww annoying, alarming and appalling
beIiev theyre performing a .-. - cuuldnr: awful moviemaking
lX.0l,le, places and things, topped
pubIi services by Al Sharpcon. with Dino I)cl.aurentiis.

November 1987 November 1988 September 1989

1 Pè
KENNII)Y BAsIIIN.;! 11 I
VILI.A(,I: 11)1015
The unsold story uf Dean & Jerry. Mitk & Keith. Henry Kissinger, Mort
(:h;i1'1quiddick anti an interfaith Mailer & ViciaI, and more. The Zuckerman, Fayc Dunaway and
ymposiurn: will Teddy burn in touglxst weenie in Arncri&a: other rich-and-famous parc-rime
hell' Rudolph Giuliani. country m ice make glamorous
nuisances of themselves.
March 1988 January-February 1989
ii 1iìi 1111)1-AX GENERATIoN MR. Sit'i'ii Io \VASuINCIroN! October 1989
1m Okay. Yotire Late: the fetish Americas Ten Dpicst luit SPY lOo

for jonal, prioritizcJ life-style Lawmakersall those in favor. Our annual census of the I 00
management. Plus. inside Mensa! say /,h. Plus. terminal-impact most annoying. alarming and
energies of the stars! appalling people. places and
April 1988 ________
things.
Titt NIcE isstiF March 1989
I laroki Wtshinrons tliet of I,.,.ji- IT IRONIC' November 1989
doch. The SPY guide to A straighi-Iiced look at the Irony Wii.c ANt) CRAZY VlPs!
posrmodern everything. The new Epidemic: how everything in tlw SPY goes undercover with Henry
urban best iary. Pius. ¿hostwriters! world turned "funny"from Kissinger. Mciv Griffin and
Twister to Twinkies. William F. BuckleyJr. at
May 1988 Bohemian Grovethe
( )ME To R,vr Criy! ,v ) April 1989 establishmenrs secret two-week
They live in our walls. they chew p
.4) CarIIRIn' GARBM;E! frac party!
thmttl our sheet metal. they t
(:()ff grounds of the rich anti
COLLl(l come ui through yout 17.
interoffIce memos of the [çjJ \ December 1989
nititi: the definitive story on rats. famousa scientific. sanitary and al lft'' Titis .\Lc;AzINE OR Wca
á
flot at¡tll
unseemly investigation. .
BURN Ti us FlAG
July-August 1988 of Rights Bill
iAK I (,I May 1989 .1 - Ourspectacular
1 special. including eleven other
The First Annual Pro-Am IVANAItASIA!
ways (besides burning) to
lronman Nightliíe I)ccathion. A sjxcial inVestigative tribute to desecrate the flag.
The George Bush hrieIin 1)00k Ivana rrUnp. and rh good and
Plus. return to Grenada! had news abotit cryonics. Plus: January 1990
the nubbins watch commences! b(.Il.I)1N A I3EÌTER Cr.I.11uKI1Y
-. September 1988 SPYs nationwide, statistically
LII:E_sI I-JELL! OLIN SPEcIAL June 1989 valid joll reveals what America
LOS ANGELES Issuo LETS MAKE A DEAL WITh 111E DEVIL wants from its celebrities. Plus,
Scientilk proofthat ifyou most Real-lite Fausts. from Ecl Koch to hos' to talk like George Bush.
to Los Angeles. you will become ' Jackie Onassis, and media
L-
.

J oan Collins. Plus. inside Hers zillionaires Norman and Frances February 1990
'l'l.\ I
pad! Lear. Plcis. taste-testing dog food! -

The free-money well runs dry.

July 1989
SlIMMER FUN IssuE!
I'
really. really long article about
V .
and Wall Street goes wacko! Plus,
gratuitous mime-bashing!

William F. Buckley Jr.! Cooking

with suet: a culinary symposium
on the Twinkie! ...an mope!
--------------------
r
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*Aou AI)I)ITIOAI. Sino PLK 1551E R)R I()REi(N AIK-1,iI. ()ki)IKs.
 I..

&
.
1:05 p.m. Members of the entourage note that many of the restaurants patrons are now looking over at the aird,
casting respectful glances and, evidently, talking about him. It is also noted that Palm Beach socialite MOLUE WILMOT,
sporting a bright yellow jacket, enormous sunglasses and two-inch-tong nails, has commandeered a table in the restaurant.

"et i 1:20 p.m. A PAPARAZZO enters the restaurant and. by arrangement with spy, snaps several photos of Laird Walter.
'-
I An entourage member asks the photographer to stop, saying, "The laird wants his privacy." She does and leaves.

r
1:30 p.m. Laird Walter snarfs down an order of chocolate mousse while the entourage pays the bill. On the way out, the laird
and a female member of the entourage stop at MOLLIE WILMOT'S table. The sv operative tells Wilmot, "The laird believes he may
have met you at Palm Beach." Wilmot, adjusting her shades, says, 'My, you look great. You look terrific." His Lairdship, ever the
debonair man-about-town, says, "I admire your nails. They're so long. " "Thank you, " says the strangely unfazed Wilmot. As the
entourage leaves the restaurant, THE PAPARAllO once again besieges Laird Walter. Several passersby stop in wonder and ask the
chauffeur who the kilted man is. " He's a visiting Scottish laird, " says the chauffeur, who has not been informed of the ruse. The
photographer persuades Laird Walter to go back into the restaurant and pose for a few shots with Wilmot.

/-_:
2:00 p.m. Laird Walter and entourage load into the limousine and drive down to Bijan, the ostensibly by-appointment.only,
grotesquely expensive clothier on Fifth Avenue. Laird Walter is admitted without an appointment and begins to examine the
J

merchandise. He stops in front of a tweed coat with a mink collar. "We have a number of Scottish tweeds, " the salesman says. "How
much is the coat?" asks Laird Walter. " Nine thousand five hundred," the salesman answers.

- 2:15 p.m. Taking a cue from MIKHAIL GORBACHEV, Laird Walter decides to temporarily abandon his limousine and walk among
the people. His presence on Fifth Avenue causes a minor commotion. Tourists interestedly ask who he is. A homeless man,
pulling a laundry cart of belongings, offers his salutations to Laird Walter.

2:20 p.m. Laird Walter is accosted in front of the Plaza Hotel by AN EXOTICALLY BEAUTIFUL BLOND
skintight, peppermint-striped
¡fl

pants. The woman. who introduces herself as a Russian actress, poses for some photographs with the laird, flirting shamelessly
with him all along.

2:30 p.m. Laird Walter returns triumphantly to spy's offices and, remembering the afternoon's most magical moment, sends
r
flowers to the Park Avenue apartment of GAYFRYD STEINBERG, with the following note appended: "Dear Lady, Though we were not

And then, ¡n an ekvIlth-hour surprise, I heard again from Baron Von

-
properly introduced at lunch this afternoon, I wish to thank you for your kind compliment. It is my fondest wish that we may meet
again sometime. Yours, Laird Walter of Gleneagles. "
--- 1L1
Scotland, regardless of the lau his
der Trenck. Apparently he had found a new lawyer who would charge estate is rather tiny. . . .Since it
considerably less. "Kindly ignore all messages from my agent," he wrote. seems Mr. Monheit is not as
"Dr. Von Fabricius is asking a big cut from our transaction. I have an at- pleased with the title as he would
torney in Ohio who will do it for half the price." He then dropped his have liked, we will accept his ini-
price from $100,000 to an incredible $30,000. rial deposit as payment in full,
With so many choices, I decided to consult an expert. Although Baron with no additional funds required.
Wayne had suggested that Scottish lairdships carry little weight outside We are happy to make this offer as
Scotland, David Williamson ofDeBrett's said that in his view, a lairdship an act of good will and we hope
was actually more attractive than a lordship of the manor costing a hun- that you will contact us again on
dred times as much. As for the German barony, although it was consider- Mr. Monheit's behalf if the need
ably more prestigious, there remained the problem that Germany no for future titles arises. " Thus we
longer really had an aristocracy, whereas Scotland sort of did. I instructed were able to pick up Laird Mon-
Baron Wayne to proceed. heit's lairdship for a mere bag-
The title arrived in its original mailing tube with U.S. stamps pasted atelle, $225.
over Scottish ones. Inside was a note from the baron and a deed on heavy Not long after, I called the
stock granting "Walter Monheit of Brooklyn, USA now 'Laird of the Heritage Estate to inquire about
Heritage Estate and his executors and assignees. . . irredeemably All and Walter's new privileges. The ami-
Whole that plot or area ofground extending to one sjuare foot. . .together able salesman I reached, thrilled
with (one) the parts, privileges and pertinents; (two) the fittings and to speak to a satisfied customer,
fixtures thereon and (three) our whole right, title and interest, present mentioned a marketing drive for
and future therein," plus a map of the area. Also included was a note from lairdships he was about to begin
Highland Heritage & Souvenir Company, which counseled, "We hope in the United States. Then he said
you will find an opportunity to visit your new 'Estate' and as Land Owner the words every commoner wants
or 'Laird, you will soon feel at home." to hear: "Can I offer you a compli-
As happy as I was, I sent off a huffy letter asking why Laird Monheit's mentary lairdship?" "Sure," I
title was described in quotes. While assuring me that Laird Monheit was, said. I plan to visit my Scottish
indeed, a true laird, Baron Wayne volunteered to forgive the second pay- subjects in the springjust in
ment: "Mr. Monheit is indeed a Laird. . . . He is as much a Laird as anyone in time for golfseason.)
('()SPYNOVEMI3F.R 1991
 Loll leiJnelìn, Goatees , HaPPY Conflict, iIiii Ìivií,

00-go Boots, iSCQ,

PIaìONostalgìafflanìa Takes Us Into the Past!

N OW, How DO WO let Back? have a dream in which I dont know what
I

year it is. A band plays trippy music, and I am wearing a tie-dyed T-shirt-1967? But the band's name is the
Stone Roses, and I don't remember them on the same bill as Moby Grape. A mesmerizing segregationist is run-
ning for governor in the Southokay, George Wallace, 1962but he's called David Duke. And my hair is cut
just like Sinatra's when he played the Paramount in '43. Only now he's called Harry ConnickJr. The beer I'm
drinking is made in a tiny local breweryjust the way it was in 1890but there's a golf-playing Republican
president, a hero from World War Il, who speaks in a confusing, hiccuppy dialect. 1955. Russia is undergoing
civil war, and the latest trend in archi-
-
tecture is a highly conceptual and pur- modern life. One is that everythingre-
R ui EM B R A N C E posefully alienating effort to break all lationships, neighborhoods, jobsseems
the rules and reject humanizing, tradi- so impermanent, so unstable; the other is
Suk n that Patrick Swayze exists. Thoughtful
Which Bygone Eras tional forms, so I guess it's 1919. But
hold on, Spartacies just been re- observers lament a lack ofcontinuity in
10,000 BC
-
,.- j.. leasedis it 1960?and then I no area more than in our disposable cul-
Robert Bly p
. see a picture in Vogue ola model ture: it's breakdancing one minute, Bez;-
wearing Capri pants. I 953. No, er1' Hills 90210 the next; one day John
AD. 900 "4 flO, flOflOW I realize thatJerry Irving is a writer for the ages, then sud-
the Middle East Brown is running for president! It denly for all anyone knows Garp could
:

.r _- must be 1975! It's horrible. be a Belgian soft drink. Have we becornea

1O6 nation ofChanne/ .rwimmers, op-ed writers
Margaret Thatcher THERE ARE TWO FUNDAMENTAL AND will ask, muddling the youthful idiom,

practical ly universal complai nts about changing our values as easily as we push our

6' SPY NOVEMBfR 9YI

 remotes? But as commonplace as the idea
may be that we simply get rid olcukure
the Roman Catholic once we're done with it, way we do
Church razors, it is, in fact, completely wrong.
Scotland Nowadays, tee can throw no cultural arti-
Venice (Italy) fact away. Cynics may be right when
they say that even the nonmaterial prod-
ucts ofour consumer culture are as cheap
the Hasidim and lightweight as plastic, but they for-
get what every environmentally con-
THE EIGHTEENTH CENTURY scious person knows only too well:
Académie française plastic lasts forever.
the Amish Indeed, far from
being ephemeral, ev-
erything in our art
and politics and
haircuts is repeating
itself endlessly, and
now more than ever
before do we seem to
live in the past.
Appalachia
What gesture or artifact of the last few
Ted Kennedy
years is truly and unabashedly new, as
Daniel Patrick Moynihar
new as abstract expressionism and the
Nancy Reagan
Switzerland
- forward pass and la nouvelle vague were,
as new as Ezra Pound or pop art or la
nouvelle cuisine? Rap, the only newish
phenomenon we have, is more than a
Ken Burns :
.
decade olda new beat has never
the Mormo remained the new beat for so
longand its most daring inno-
-f:
vation has been. . .sampling. At
the Oscars, Madonna imitated
Marilyn Monroe, and this was
really not a reference to Marilyn
Monroe but a reference to
Madonna imitating Marilyn
Monroe in her "Material Girl"
Norman Schwarzkopf video six years earlier. Supermodel Linda
South Africa Evangelista has changed her hair color
from platinum to red to achieve a 1950s,
RECONSTRUCTION Rosal i nd - R ussel 1- i n-A ¡mile-Marne look.
David Dinkins Birkenstocks have returned. The big
splash in literature recently was A. S.
Byatt's Possessionremarkable for its pas-
riche of nineteenth-century poetry. What
is this year's most eagerly anticipated
movie? The Addams FaniIy. Coca-Cola
tries to introduce New Coke; it ends up
with Coke Classic. The most exciting
new car to be introduced in years is the
Miata, a dream version ola 1960s En-
Anthony Haden-G nest glish sports car. The hottest fashion pho-
Robert Maxwell tographer of the moment is Steven
mollusk-oriented Meisel, an unabashed imitator of Ave-
restaurants don's photographs from the 1950s. Even
the Soviet republics history seems to have run out of imagi-
_j nation. What happened in 1914? There
were troubles with the Serbs, then a
Russian Revolution and the death of tens
ofmillionsofpeople. You might think
that after so much bloodshed the Serbia
Q uestion would have been settled, but in
1991 the Balkanization ofrhe Balkans
has returnedwith all-new episodes!
We do not reject the past these days;
rather, we reclaim it with relentless
efficiency and thoroughness. We seek out
tiny artifacts like Rosalind Russells
Auntie Mame period and Birkenstocks,
then polish them up and reuse them.
Nostalgia, revivalism, neo-this and neo-
that, retro-whatevertime has always
come in waves, one idea or event leading
to the next, but all the ripples seem to
have broken against the side of the tub;
now they are rippling back.
NOWHERE I-lAS THE PAST WRAPPED ITSELF
around current practice more entangling-
ly than in fashion. Since around 1987, all
couture has looked as if it had been de-
signed one spring day in the 1960s:
miniskirts, baby-doll dresses, suits and
hats that belong on stewardesses in the
early jet era, psychedelic patterns, go-go
boots, vinyl, cat suits, dresses with
cutouts, Jackie O sunglasses, big daisy
jewelry, shoes with square toes and thick
heels. Correspondingly, street fashion has
seen the return of the peasant blouse,
more miniskirts, bangles, big earrings,
peace symbols, bandanas, jeans patched
with bandanas, bandanas worn as head-
gear, incongruous vests, Janis Joplin
esque hatseven fringe.
It is not only the 1960s that have had
a fashion revival, however. Neo-beatniks
in L.A. coffeehouses wear berets and goa-
tees. Details, the ,Mademoiselle for boys,
recently listed the best vintage-clothing
stores in the countr with a description
of their waresmostly in gabardine and
rayon. The accompanying photographs
showed a young man who apparently
yearned to be a member ofa bowling
team in 1947. In a recent cover story,
Sassy, the Seventeen for girls who are cool,
told its readers how to create a i 940s
look with their nails, makeup and
hairstyle. This involves a lot of red, and
Sassy mentioned that Revlon would be
reintroducing its Super Lustrous Lipstick
in Raven Red, which had first been
launched in 1940. In British Vogue, the
Vogue for English people, we find a
NOVEMBER I9)I SPY 63
 spread devoted to "Movie-Star
19oo Glamour"in other words, the 1930s.
Chinatown Many people hold the belief that cele-
McDermott and vision and radio signals beamed into
McGough space will ultimately be received by
San Francisco aliens who will puzzle over what this en-
tity Maclock is trying ro communicate to
19 lOs them. One wonders whether some stray
Louis Auchincloss asteroid has not crossed the path of these
Germany transmissions and is bouncing them
Ireland back to us. What other explanation is
poetry there for the presence of M,: Ed on
Saratoga cable every night Certainly the
the Village music on the radio sounds as if it
were echoing from a different era, and
1920s rice again that era is the 1960s and
Brooklyn ..trly '70s: stations playing "classic
Nell Campbell rock," like the Who or the Rolling
Wynton Marsalis Stones, crowd the FM dial. The sound-
track co The Doors went gold. The Grate-
ful Dead have never been more popular.
When music is not literally from the
1960s, it often seems as ¡f itwere: from
the Black Crowes to Lenny Kravitz to
Jay Mclnerney
Mike Milken Guns n' Roses, bands have been reviving
Miss America different sixties sounds, sixties trap-
Mark Morris pings, generally a sixties groove.
Prince Charles As is the case with fashion, how-
the war on drugs ever, music harks back not only to the
1960s but simultaneously to other eras
1930s as well. Natalie Cole rose to No. i on
Danny Aiello
the Billboard charts singing numbers as-
the American left sociated with her father, Nat "King"
J-
the Army Corps of
I
The CD-boxed-set phenomenon
Engineers as resulted in a flood of grandiose
chewing gum reissues, in which a seventies tray-
Vermont esty like Yes the same
Lew Wasserman solemn treatment as the thirties
Beethoven recordings of Artur
194 Os Schnabel. (In fact, CDs in general,
baseball along with movie videos, have pro-
Kenneth Branagh 'ideci a technological reason for the
George Bush 'ivalism gluteve)'thing is reap-
Harry Connick Jr. tearing.) House music, the music of
the daily tabloids affectless pop sophisticates like the Pet
fire fighters Shop Boys and all dance-mix music
Joe Franklin sound suspiciously like disco, and in
Murray Kempton i 989 the Beastie Boysartsy blue-eyed
labor unions rappersreleased Paul's Boatique, a fu 11-
the Navy blown homage to the I 970s. Even punk
: .
;-- '- Oliver North is back: Sassy, my favorite magazine,
ììJonathan Schwartz I quotes 20-year-old Ian (he may be 22;
smoking there is a controversy here) of the band
the UN General Nation ofUlysses as saying, "(We're)
Assembly against interpretive danci ng, voguing,
the West Side hippie dancing. We're into short, quick,
Bruce Willis energetic motions. And when you dance
you should always fix your stare at some
()- SPY NOVEMBER 1991
unknown object. Never at your partner."
I have a suspicion that the members of
Nation of Ulysses can't play their instru-
ments and are proud of this.
Since the vast majority of its works
were composed in previous centuries,
classical music is inherently backward-
lookingit wouldn't seem possible to
make it any more revivalist than it al-
ready is. Well, conductors have found a
way: they realized that although the
repertory may have been old, the perfor-
mance styles were contemporary, so now
the ascendant movement is to use ori«gi-
nal instruments, tempi and pitches in
order to play all those works composed in
previous centuries with obsessive authen-
ticity. Thus, Classical Classic is born.
Most movies are now genre pastiches:
sci-fi, teen, horror, private-eye. Arnold
Schwarenegger is a well-paid Steve
Reeves, the B-movie muscieman of the
l950s; TheGrifters was bad film noir. In
classy pictures, quoting old movies is
d ramatical ly self-conscious: Barton Fink
replays Nathanael West via Welles and
Kubrick, and DeadAgain is by-the-num-
bers Hitchcock. In a parallel to the reis-
sue ofold music in CD boxed sets,
pristine new prints ofgreat old movies
like A Star is Born (the Garland-Mason
version) and Lawrence ofArabia and Citi-
zen Kane and La Dolce Vita have been
struck, and the films have been re-re-
leased. Devolution is inevitable, howev-
er, and a new, uncut print olA Star is
Born (the Streisand-Kristofferson vers ion)
must be on its way.
Revivalism has had its most conscious
and purest expression in postmodern ar-
chitecture. A postmodern building rep-
resents pastiche raised from ornament or
occasional witty indulgence to, well, the
point. A postmodern building, in fact,
does not really existit is only a willful
collection of references, like footnotes
without an essay. Recently, ofcourse, the
deconstructivists have rejected post-
modernism and are instead designing
structures that purport to quote nothing
from the past. The warm, cozy postmod-
em pediments and clocks and stonework
and shingles, they say, are reactionary
and sentimental. Mies van der Winkle
awakes! Along with architecture, design
has spent the past few years simply mix-
ing and matching. A Regency desk is
called a Regency desk because it is dis-
 . L' And Soon
Tor' LastWe'll Be Nostalgic
Tuesday
accountants
HOW THE GOOD OLD DAYS ARE GETTING CLOSER AND CLOSER
Cindy Adams
Renaissance
Anita Baker - 1830-90
book publishers ]- 1910e late 1920e
THE BACKWARD-LOONG ERA
the Boy Scouts .

the CIA
'
Joan Collins
the Friars Club
IBM, GE, USX,
westinghouse,
Raytheon

:
pHilton Kramer
the mob
Regis Philbin
Dan Quayle
/1/
THE GOOD OLD DAYS 01 CUO!CE

0- -
Ronald Reagan
Claudia Schiffer
Brooke Shields
Martin Short
Frank Sinatra
whiskey
O Leon Wieseltier
Yorkville

1962
Helen Gurley Brown
Cuba Better cue up Wa/I Street on the laser-disc
East 57th Street player. Time to break out the Cristal.
Did someone say "Grenada'? That's right!
Esquire under Lee
Come 1992, the eighties will be back!
Eisenbe rg
Hugh Hefner
Mike Nichols
tinctly of the Regency period; the i 890s tographs. Make that neo-Duchampian.
Diane Sawyer
had art nouveau; the i 930s had art deco; With everything that's happening on
Arthur Schlesinger Jr.
the 1950s had modern. What is the sig- the world scene, you might chink that
Liz Taylor
nature design style ofthe 1980s and politics has been transformed. Not exactly.
John Updike
carly '90s? Retro. To take this recent Soviet business, if there
I
I hope those minimalist painters and ever was a retro word for a political event,
196Ü:
sculptors of the 1960s and early '70s are it ispmscb. Meanwhile, Pat Buchanan has
that cabbie who still
complains about John proud of themselves. There they were, rediscovered isolationism and America
Lind say stripping everything down to almost Firstism. On the left, sort of, Douglas
Channel 13 nothing, and. . .ìt worked. After Donald Wilder has his own America First mes-
Deadheads J ucid, there was nowhere to go but back- sage, reminiscent of an old-fashioned,
the Democrats ward, and the minimalists were the last hey-what-about-the-little-guy nativism.
France generation ofartists who thought of Yes, the past is always with us. The
Vaciav Havel themselves as nonallusive. Now we have road we have driven down has brought
neo-expression ism , neo-geo, a renewed us to where we arc. But who switched
interest in the figure. We also see the the A/C from VENT to RECIRCULATE?
common tic ofappropriating images
from the past and sticking them into To ANSWER THAT QUESTION, WE MUST
your paintings. A relatedand for our recall that nostalgia involves a sentimen-
NASA PtI rposeslogical ly satisfyingstrai n of talized recapturing ofa past that one
the New York Mets art-in-reverse is the Duchampian effort prefers, in some way, to one's own time.
Oliver Stone ofsome artists to deny that originality Notwithstanding its backward-looking
Trek kies even exists. Sherrie Levine, for example, nature, then, nostalgia has always been a
Gore Vidai mounted an entire showa Sherrie Levine revealing phenomenon of the present,
showconsisting of Walker Evans pho- reflecting as it does the longings of the
NOVEMBER 1991 SPY 65
 people experiencing it. The Romantics
following the Enlightenmentwere nos-
Idy Allen talgic for the Middle Ages, a time of
awards ceremonies mystery. The wild success ofGone With
'J B loom in dale 's
Boston
the Wind was both a cause and an effect of
nostalgia for antebellum America. In the
Jerry Brown I 930s, the fallen splendor and high ro-
Canada mance of the Old Southas it was imag-
Johnny Carson medcould easily be seen as an escape
Cher from the dreary present. Nostalgia
Columbus Avenue defines the negative space ofa period's
comedians self-portrait.
Kevin Costner Except ours.
Linda Ellerbee Contemporary nostalgia lacks any res-
Esquire under Terry onant harmony with previous eras; it is a
M cDonell
haphazard agglomeration of styles. Fash-
Las Vegas ion isn't satisfied with reviving only one
Norman Lear decade; arch i tects are proudly eclectic;
Lome Michaels pop groups gleefully mix sixties clothes
Liza Minnetli with seventies music. The origins of
modern, value-free nostalgia can be locat-
ed with precision. The period is 1971 to
'74. You remember: the Vietnam
endgame, singer-songwriters, CB radios.
Wonderful days! Fifties nostalgiathe
first great postwar nostalgia, the nostal-
Marvin Mitchelson
gia that defined nostalgiaappeared at
n co con se rv at iv es this time, urged along by American
Graffiti and sustaining itselfon Happy
Newsweek
the New York Knicks
Days. Fifties nostalgia must have been
partially a reaction to the sixties, and also
organized feminism
SoHo
the inevitable result ofone generation's
becoming old enough to sentimentalize
Hunter S. Thompson
its past. But the strange thing about
Donald Trump
fifties nostalgia is that it became such a
Paul Tsongas
Ted Turner
phenomenon in and of itself. The sock
hops, the Fonz, the jukeboxes, the diners,
the TV networks
persisted far beyond their usefulness as a
Vanity Fair covers
restoration of E isenhowerian calm. Fifties
Vietnam
The Village Voice
nostalgia had a life of its own, and mod-
em nostalgianostalgia/or its own sake
Washington, D.C.
was born. The real connection to the past
West Hollywood
WN EW-FM
became more and more tenuous, while
Tom Wolfe
the fascination with the past's cultural
knickknackery gathered momentum.
This rich period ofthe early 1970s
saw the birth of nostalgia for other eras
as well. Building preservation became a
fad. The Museum ofModern Art had its
Beaux Arts show in 1975. By the early
1970s, the force ofminimalism was
spent, and all ofart history was suddenly
ransackable. Even the sixties revival's
tenderest shoots grew at this time. In
1973, Bryan Ferrythe hippest man of
his timereleased These Foolish Things,
on which he covered Lesley Gore, Dylan,
the Beatles, the Beach Boys and Mo-
town. New wave and punk, just begin-
fling in the early 1970s, revived the
mods and rockers of the early 1 960s.
Finally, in 1974, Robert Redford and
Mia Farrow starred in The Great Gatsby,
with Sam Waterston as "Nick. " As it re-
leased the picture, Paramount aggres-
sively promoted the i 920s, and those
who lived through this may dimly recall
the sudden appearance of round collars
and cloches, ofbars called Gatsby's. Of
course, Gatsby nostalgia didnt take: the
movie was a flop, the bars eventually
changed their names to Dribbles or
whatever, and there was no run on spats.
The studio's assumption that the 1920s
would speak meaningfully to the ticket-
buying public ofthe 1970s was proved
utterly false. And yet, and yet. . . there
was a 1920s blipor more than a blip, a
brief but sustained readingthat had
been created artificially. Twenties nostal-
gia, indeed, was a pure example of reviv-
ing an era just because it was there.
In the end, the nostalgia that the
1 9705 bequeathed us was a nostalgia
without sentiment, revivalism without
the nuclear fusion of past and present
that generates more energy than it uses
up. We are awash in sixties nostalgia,
but it is passionless; despite its incredi-
ble ubiquity, it could not even be called
a craze. What direction nostalgia does
take can be attributed solely to a by-rote
march through time. We started with
the 1950s in the 1970s and have simply
been marching our way forward; and as
we go, we listlessly pick up and set
down years as we come to them. That
would be fine ifwe hadn't also by now
arrived at some sort of end-of-history
stagnation, without any particular
defining mode ofour own. Our nostalgia
is really quite anemic, but nostalgia is all
we've got.
Since we look to the past for so much
but are not truly engaged by anything
we find there, we are running through
our cultural thrift shop awfully quickly.
Back in the Renaissance, artists were
nostalgic for ancient Greece and Rome
oh, about I 500 years earlierand that
held them for a couple of hundred years.
East Village artists of the 1980s revived
Philip Guston, a cartoony painter of the
I 960s. Edwardians were nostalgic for the
wit, foppery and dissipation of the eigh-
teenth century; we read Warhol's diaries
Don't Look Back ow HOLLYWOOD CANT GET IT RIGHT Movies seem like the perfect vehicle Io
nostalgia. so why does a film always b
the unmistakable stamp of the year it
madewhether the setting is Sherwood
Forest or Carson City? (This is true ever
when Tony Curtis is ¡iot the star.) Comp
the stills at left and notice the hairstyl

.
(Kevin Costner as Robin Hood as Corbin
Bernsen) and the clothes (Warren

V Beatty as McCabe as early-iD lOs-

guy-in-Ere-boots-and-bell-bottoms).
:L
:iE DARK AGES: Errol Flynn I The Adventures o! Robin Hood, 19381. Tony Curtis I The Black Shield of Falworth, 1954).
Kon Coslner (Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, 1991)

)
SPECIAL BONUS PIC:

What year is it, anyway?

Michelle Pfeiffer in
Grease 2a 1982 sequel
to a i918 fifties-nostalgia
movie. Pedal-pushers,
shades. flats, a mock
T_ww ----
-
-
- -
J
t

turtleneck, lank shoulder-

¡HE WILD 11S1. hl'is Presley (Love Me lender, 1956). Julie Christie and Warren Beatty (McCabe and Mrs Miller. 1911). length hairPfeiffer
Charie Sheen and Emilto Estevei ( Young Guns, 19881 belongs in. . . ¡991.

and feel nostalgic for che sexy, druggy postmodernism, what will he be
New York of I 2 years ago. the old revivingRobert Stern or the Shingle-
Coors days, reruns didnt begin until long after style houses Stern copied? Will Ralph
Mario Cuoriio a television show was off the airhence Lauren's clothes themselves be consid-
Eric FischI the fascination of Bewitched. Now, of ered "classics" ? Was the Renaissance ac-
Mrkhail Gorbachev course, reruns from previous seasons are tually a Hi Honey, I'm Home for
shown while a program is still runniìg antiquity?
on prime time, creating nostalgia with a If things continue as they have, nostal-

LI.
the Hamptons
hoteliers
lag ofonly a year or two. Then, last sum-
mer, as the nostalgia implosion accelerat-
ed, Nick at Nite started showing a rerun
of a programHi Honey.
broadcast on ABC just three days earlier,
I'm Home
gia will catch up with last year and then
last month and then yesterday; with nos-
talgia still our main form of expression,
we'll have no choice but to start all over
again, this time with remembered nostal-
Robin Leach and the show itself u'as a pastiche ojear/y gia. And then? Remembered remem-
DavRi Lynch .çiIco,ìis. bered nostalgia, of course, otherwise
MTV This last example brings us to the known as the I 999 Madonna-as-Marilyn
Seventh Avenue frightening subject of remembered nostal- revival, an experience that will taste as
Martha Stewart gia. Someday, someone who watched Hi weak and tinny as tea made from thrice-
Honey. i'm Home as a child will feel nos- boiled leaves. In this connection, it is
talgic for it and, at one remove, for useful to recall a profound remark made
Donna Reed. If i said I loved the early by Keith Richards during the Rolling
1970syou know, the foppish neo-Gats- Stones' latest tour. Richards was explain-
by look, Tom Wolfewearwould I be ¡ng to the crowd why the combo was
nostalgic for the 1970s or the 1920s? playing songs off its new album, not just
And in fact, many of the stock figures of its old hits, and he said, "You can't have
Anne Tyler the 1920sbartenders with handlebar old songs if you don't have new songs."
Van Halen mustaches, Irish beat copswere nostal- Very wise. Ofcourse, the new numbers
Vanity Fair gic re-creations ofstock characters of the the band proceeded to play were just re-
Venice (California) 4 I 890s. So where does chat leave me? treads of their old hitsbut the thought
When someone someday revives 1980s was nice.
NOVIMBER 1991 SPY 67
 .

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. NeiI/Le15,er. ion tor the homeless but feel ¡t'!tm)c gci tough o
e raxes ri g t* War gave you paUse, hut you've decided that for the na
tiOl) as 6Ie it was c1ean9in. You refer to the Ir as "iflCOfl-iITpaLirCd and to
.l_I (rirrunalfr as "morally diallengcd" tnd no 1oncr squint slightly vtnisir the terni
"
n Anwrican." While Mcryl Strccps ¿.IìatstIy attempts at ein act-flts racc on
y . ikc fingernails p a blackboard, you nonetheless feel she i an .L1)r1?ï)usly ta1ente
actress. AIRI culinariry, you have been correct tor at least a decad.
Early in the eighties, OU embraced ethnic cuisines fron re)I1s like Cthe_
L)eccan and Ethiopia,whose native lX)PUlatiflS themselves lìa4 no to1'you belived
.
SPY)VIMliIK ItNI
PHOTOGRAPHS BY PETER ARDITO
 0:r4hJoy Of
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 that in some obscure way they would benefit from your enthusiasm for baghari jhinga
or tibs wot. A little later you discovered the pleasures ofbahy vegetables. You relished THEY CAN'T RUN BUT
the thought that at a time when we liad the oldest president ever, we were eating the
THEY CAN BE HIDE
youngest vegetables. lt's been years now since you ordered a pizza with tomato and
extra cheese: your taste in toppings runs more to shrimp-scallop boudin à lestragon A tremendous bonus for the Roadb

and sautéed radicchio. You feel quiet, patriotic pride over the fact that Californian Gourmet is that he or she simultane
acquires fur that can be worn with
cabs and zins are routinely being ordered in three-star restaurants in Lyons (by French-
entirely clear conscience. Removing
men!), and over the spectacular rise of American regional cooking. In a way you have
skin from its host is not always
come full circle, since you're sure that Native Americanswho subsist largely on
necessary: often a traftic-related im
Wonder bread and Thunderbirdare somehow bucked up by your consumption of has already separated the flesh fro
corn-cactus pudding with chipotle-chile béchamel. natural covering. Where this has or
But all this carefully and lovingly assembled can evaporate as fast as partially occurred, the fur can usuali
Julia's love for Kiefer with the mention ofone tiny word: mt. peeled from small mammals in muc
Thanks to the efforts ofanimal-rights groups like PETA and assorted herds oí New the same way one peels the
Age nutritionists, the cultural status of meat-eating is currently on a par with that of skin from a mango. These strips o
drunk driving and headed clown toward pedophulia. Even in restaurants that offer squares should be stretched on a pu
dead animals on the menu, ordering one can cause che waitron to look at you as if of plywood for several days until dt

just tried to tell the one about the three gay guys in a hot tub. after which they can be sewn togethe
youd
make garments. The table below gives
N_;;
And there is no appealing to reason here. Minds
number of possum skins needed to
have been made up, another pillar added to the per-
:L
.,.T-. --4 tico ofconventional wisdom. It's pointless to argue
common articles of roadkill couturi

that the animal-rights movement stems from an 1g- MEN'S JACKfl ...... 40 POSSUMS
THE RIGHTS OF VEGETABLES iorance of animals, that it's the Disneyfication of na- WOMEN'S JACKET ...... 30 POSSUM

A growing number of rights activists are

questioning whether there is any
substantial difference between
electrocuting a veal calf and, say,
tearing an ear of corn from its parent,
stripping it naked and plunging it into
boiling water. Why, they ask, should
prunes die to keep us regular? A peach
may not have a face, but it certainly has
skin, flesh and a mother. And given the
inclusive quasi-Buddhist definitions of
life used by organizations like PETA, it's
even possible that the peach was
once your aunt Helen.
The Roadkill Gourmet is not competent
to judge the merits of these contentions
but has avoided vegetable side dishes
while the jury is still out.
The wines suggested here, however,
have been selected with an eye to
processes that cause the grapes the
least painfor example, wines made
from "the noble rot' (grapes left to
decompose on the vine prior to picking),
or those made from the free-run
technique (rather than the grapes' being
mechanically crushed, their sheer
weight in the vat produces juice). In
both cases, carnivores and herbivores
are relieved of moral responsibility in
the vinification process: in the first, the
grapes are already dead; in the second,
they in effect kill one another.
ture; that thinking that animals are capable of MINISKIRT ...... 6-U POSSUMS
human emotion because they have big, cute eyes BEANIE ...... !4 POSSUM
isn't progressive but infantile; that the unpro-
nounceable tag .cpeciesLc?n is sophistic, since every species on the planet survives by
eating other species; that one's passion might be better directed to the 6 million
American children who go to bed hungry than to the dying thoughts of Frank Per-
due's chickens. And ifyou do present these arguments, there'll be no getting back in
anyone's good gracesit'll be bootless to whine, as a once-adoring group backs away
disgusted silence, that you really like the music ofk. d. lang.
You are a carnivorea mad, rabid pariah feeding off tIle carrion of your innocent
fellow travelers Ofl Spaceship Earth,
Take heart: an answer to your problem lies no farther away than that Volvo. Cars
provide US with a carnucopia of fresh, free-range, nonhormoned game. Meat any car-
ing carnivore can bring to the table with an unblemished conscience. Meat, moreover,
from which no slaughterhouse, packager or other culinarily incorrect middleman ha
made a penny. Known to the French as nourrilure de la roiiteor, more colloquially, la
bouffe morteroaclkill has long been recognized as a hearty addition to French country
cooking. In many rural regions of the U.S. as well, it has been a mainstay of tradition-
al local cuisines for as long as there have been beer coolers in pickup trucks.
The possibilities of sophisticated roadkill cooking are almost unlimited. There is
absolutely no reason why the imprint ofa snow tire (or a deeply embedded hood or-
nament) need mar the flavor ofsumptuous Venaison de la Route Rôti; likewise, car-
mg, loving cooking and a pair of pliers make the classic English dish Pheasant
Under Broken Glass a memorable triumph. The recipe for Terrine de Groundhog
that appears at right is just one ofseveral for small-mammal pâté. And a fitting hors
d'oeuvre it can be for hearty Civet de Possum, Navarin de Chipmunk, Beaver en Pa-
îoot.s vouti NEED c1
pillote orRack of Raccoon, whichis also describedhere.
 .
TERRINE DE GROIJNDHOG
SERVES 6

The universal question with any pâté or terrine is, how wichfat? The caring carnivore faces an additional problem:

i':
what kind of fat? The traditional resource, pork fat, is an obvious no-no, given that traffic-
related deaths among pigs are, alas, practically ni!.
Groundhogs are not, ofcourse, hogs, but they are fatty. One solution, therefore, is to add
a groundhog or two to your recipe, in order to achieve a 2: 1 meat-to-fat ratio. An average-
size groundhog will yield about 1 pounds ofmeat, allowing for impact-related detritus; an
extra groundhog in similar condition will yield about Y pound of fat. Voilà! You're in
business with a hearty Thanksgiving treat, pins you have a generous portion of meat left over
for a groundhog bolognese sauce or Swedish groundhogballs.

NEEDLE-NOSE PLIERS WILL HELP WITH

PRECISION GRAVEL EXTRACTION.
I lb roimdhog
lb groundhog/at
2 tbsp salt
I tsp pepper
j tbsp 'qiiarre epices " (e.g. . allspice. clove. nutmeg,
thyne. blendedaccording to taste)
I clove garlic. pureed
2-3 tbsp Armagnac

Preheat oven to 325°F. Divide the meat into rough thirds. Grind two thirds smoothly (Fig. I,
next page) and coarsely chop the other third. Coarse-chop the fat. Combine all ingredients in
NOVEMBER 1991 SPY7I
 a large howl; mix thoroughly. Place mixture in the center ola large, heavy sheet of aluminu
foil. As a tribute to the animals, shape the mixture into a
reclining groundhog (Fig. 2). Cover tightly with ends of rig
r
i Fig. 2

foil and bake on a large cookie sheet for 2 hours. Allow rø

cool for several hours, garnish with woodland mushrooms,
WHEN CARVNG, REMOVE THE ___________
HEAD AND LIMBS" IN ONE SWIFT.
crabapples and wild lettuce, and serve.
FLUID MOTION. 1.
SUGGESTED WINES
Suncre.ci ¡990 Muller Thurgau' (Washington State). As the back label says, this is a wine "as
natural as the food you eat." Made from the free-run juice oforganic grapes. A perfect mate for natural food, such;
Terrine de Groundhog.
NV Colorado Cellars Cherry Wine. Made from a mixture ofhand-picked and wind-dropped
cherries, this is certifiably the most cruelty-free wine made in North America. A perfect sweet-and-sour foil for thi
groundhog's naturally fatty meat.

RACK OF RACCOON WITH BLACK-AND-WHITE SAUCE

(CARRIl DE RACCOON AUX DEUX POIVRES)
SERVES 4

Raccoon is a splendidly American alternative to such tepid Gallic game as hare, combining the smoky muscularity
coyote with the succulence of squirrel. The ash-can bandido puts on a tux in this elegai
recipe; he is perfectly suited to this dish, since enough of the rib cage
nearly always survives a traffic-related incident. Fig. 3 _.-'
Once you have found one reasonably whole raccoon, remove the rack
THE FEWER FLIES CIRCLING YOUR
from the rib cage (Fig. 3). Chop remaining meat and bones into 3-inch
ENTREE-TO-BE, THE FRESHER II IS. Sections. (Jfthis comes to less than 2 lb, add a second, smaller raccoon.) 4!
o

RACCOON STOCK
24 3 Ib chopped raccoon (meat and bones) i Carrot. sliced
J onion stuck with two cloves I ,;,edi,an tomato. whole, iiìzpeeled
ACCOUTREMENTS SHOULDMT ALTER
I bay leaf Salt. pep/?er
DISH'S APP[ARANC[ DRAMATICALLY.
Bouqnet garni
.

Brown meat and bones in a roasting pan at 450°F. Deglaze roasting pan. Combine a
ingredients in a large saucepan, cover with water, and simmer for 3-4 hours. This wi
produce a fine, gamy stock. Strain, degrease and reduce by 50 percent. Set aside.
UNFREtICHED RIBS (11F!) WILL OVER
WHELM THE SAUCES SUBTLE FLAVOR.

ROASTING THE RACK OF RACCOON

Unless you know a caring butcher, you must "French" the rack: remove all fat on both sides of the bones and betweet
them, except for a thin layer over the eye meat (Fig. 4). Fold a double strip offoil over alternate ribs (this will make
some of the ribs scorch and leave the others white, for a pleasing "coon-tail" effect). Place cup water in a roasting
pan, and roast the rack 10 minutes at 500° to sear, then another 20-25 minutes at 4ØØ0 Set aside.
Fig. 4

BLACK-PEPPERCORN SAUCE
.
,s
j tbsp bntter
;
I tbsp coarsely ground hIik pepper
..

, I 6 thspflour Soy sauce, to color

I CIIftS
reheated raccoon stock

Use butter and flour to make roux (thickening agent). Stir in stock. Simmer 2 niinutes or until thicketied. Add
pepper. Darken with dashes ofsoy sauce.

WHITE-PEPPERCORN SAUCE
I : cu/is dry white wine cup crème fraîche
4 cup coarsely choppedshallots I egg yolk
i tbsp coarse white pepper Dash nutmeg

72SPYNOVEMBER 1991
Combine the white wine, shallots and pepper. Reduce and strain to achieve 2 tbsp liquid. Whisk together crème
fraîche and egg yolk. Whisk in strained, reduced liquid over a gentle heat until thickened. Add nutmeg.
Plate sauces in half-moons, garnishing each side with its opposite peppercorns (i.e., white peppercorns on black
sauce and vice versa). Set two raccoon ribs, playfully intertwined, along the "seam."

SUGGESTED WINES

¡989 William Wheeler RS Reserve. A rich and richly fruited dry red. Made from uncrushed
grapes inoculated with yeast, then allowed to explode oftheir own volition during fermentation. A juicy partner for
a juicy meat like raccoon.
Inglenook 1985 Gewurzirami,zer Late Harvest. A rich, smooth after-dinner complement to
raccoon. Made from "noble rot" grapes, redolent ofsun, earth and the natural cycle oflife and death.)
 Review of Reviewers for years. One can't help but ask
what the magazine's longtime sub-
scribers, boarding-school assistant
headmasters and i ntel ligent ladies
who sometimes write verse, think
of the column. To take one recent
¡ail öl the Town NO! passage: "All a popular 'girl' [at the
transvestite bar Edelweiss] who can
Pmily Peud Psychoanalyzed, easily latch a john has to do is flick
Barton Fink Reviews a forelock with dead aim over a cold
Homogenized, shoulder in the direction of a less
and California Time Synchronized popular sister, and the wounded
will immediately dash from one
mirror to the nextadjusting a wig
uy HuvhPey Oelloo here, smoothing a skirt therein
hope that the ensuing reflection
will suddenly reveal something
Since it gOeS way back to the 1950s, I sup- worth strutting for." (The sexuality
pose some readers are too yotig to recall the heyday of the of the patrons at Edelweiss cannot
be nearly as convoluted as that sen-
great Manhattan supper clubs. A damn shamefor my money, tence.) I wonder if the same audi-
you haven't really lived until youve jumped into your tux and ence that shops at The Coach Store
run down to El Morocco to meet a Rheingold Girl for a highball. and L. L. Bean is really very inter-
I only wish i had been around back then. Of course, every bit as ested in "trannies" and their "gen-
important as the Stork Club and Mocambo and the other zebra-striped tiemen callers," as they are termed.
night spots were the newspaper columnists who wrote about them: The New Yorker's readers probably
Walter Winchell, Ed Sullivan (he was a columnist before his TV do like to be shocked, though, and
show), Leonard Lyons of «The Lyons
Den" and Earl "the Midnight Earl"
Wilson, to name a few. (Truman
Capote excelled in the fiction divi-
sion.) But what about today? Has th
nightclub columnist gone the way of
the cigarette holder? Actually, no.
Michael Musto, who is funny, clever
and inspiringly vulgar, and Stephen
Saban, who's one flatfooted sport,
cover our town's wanton high life for
The Village Voice and Details, respect-
ively, and they've been joined by a
prominent newcomerarriving at
the party several years late, The Neu
Yorker now has a literary descendant
of Lyons and Wilson (Earl, not the
Midnight Edmund) in its pages.
Where the fifties nightclubs had
stylepanache, I call itMusto and
Saban's 6:00 a.m. dispatches from
Save the Robots indicate that
today's clubs are home to sweaty ex-
cess. Thus, it is a bit strange that
The New Yorker should decide to run
a brief weekly column, unsigned,
called Edge of Night Life that
works the after-hours fabulousness
beat, especially since the whole phe-
nomenon has been in steep decline
74 Spy NOVEMBER 1991
the magazine lately has been trying bar at the Paramount Hotel on
"
to swing, so maybe the column is West 46th Street: They don't have
in the right place after all. seats like this at the Marriott, Mom
But not too shocked, not loo told the waitress. Then she asked
swingy. This being The New Yorker, her husband, 'It's like SoHo, isn't
Hal Rubinstein, the anonymous au- it?' " Les Miz! The Marriott! Morn
thor of Edge of Night Life, is not Quels losers.
just a nightclub colum- In humor, tinin is
fist but a responsible everything. Take
nightclub columnist. He pleaseKen Tucker, the
ultimately finds Edel- TV critic for Entertain-
weiss "drastically unfun- Arriving at the ment (A small
Weekly.
ny." For him, trans- party several demonstration of the
vestism must be associat- theory, ladies and gentle-
ed with something wor- years late, Tile men; no cause for alarm.)
thy: Love Ball 2, say, You don't want to rush
which raised money for New Yorker now things, especially if
AIDS programs, or Boy you're building to a real
Bar on St. Marks Placc. has a literary corker, so Tucker re-
which he admires for of
quired two paragraphs to
escen d an reach his punch line re-
being "culturally, ethni-
cally, economically, polit- cently, discussing Family
Leonard Lyons Feud. As if skillfully
ically, and generationally
diverse," like some noble and Earl Wilson playing a trout, he lazily
planned community. explained that he enjoys
There is a sense of strain the show for the interac-
when Edge of Night Life is sup- dons among family members (he
posed to be fun, as ifthe writer were finds the questions a little dumb)
a divinity student at a pot party (the and finally delivered the joke he
club Amazon is "setting offglittered must have been holding on to for
goosepimples" because it's a place weeks: "1 tell you, if you play arm-
where people can. ..talk); worse chair psychologist with this show
still, there is a sense of whimsy turning it into Family Freudyou'll
when the column is intended to be have a lot more fun. " Anyway,
whimsical (a Manhattan boom box Tucker's bold, ingenious notion
"was so loud that people going to surely never occurred to the show's
bed in Negril were pestering inter- creators. Next he'll probably be
national operators" to get it turned telling usthe kook!that The
down). All this would be tolerable, Newlywed Game is really more enjoy-
perhaps, if the word scribe were not able if, instead of concentrating so
used so often, if hyphens were not so much Ofl the questions, you closely
overindulged in (as in this phrase watch the squabbling couples.
from a column on the Limelight It is reassuring that all critics do
another urban-studies utopia: "No not speak with the same voice
other dance hail has been nearly so how else would we know whether it
rafter-packed, and with so wide, so was Gene Siskel or Roger Ebert
talking over the clip? If critics all
racially-culturally-generationally- said the same thing, the rich
and-socially balanced, so sexually
hard-to-read a mix of get-out-of- pageantry of opinion would suffer
and we would need only one critic,
my-way-and-stop-staring-at-me- wreaking havoc on our service-
though-boy-I'm-horny partygoers"),
and if the column had not so know- based economy. In the New York
ingly and edgily mocked the Post, Dan Aquilante wrote this
touriststouristswho had just about a concert by the Brand-New
come from Les Miz and "sheepishly Heavies: "A few hammy rappers. . .
braved their way" into the new, took over the stage during the
iiberhip, Philippe Starckdesigned Heavies' encore. .After such a fine
. .
show ¡t was inconsiderate and rude
to reduce a headline act during its
New York debut to a back-up
band." And here is Jon Pareles of
The New York Times concluding his
!
review of the same concert: "The set
perked up only in the encore, when
three rappers. relegated the
. .
Brand-New
"
Heavies to the back-
ground. Well, in matters of taste
there is no argument, you might
say, except that that would mean
we didn't need even one critic.
It is reassuring when critics say
exactly the same thing. Ifthey have
real standards and expertise, they
shouldlike doctorsreach the
same conclusions. So here is Owen
Gleiberman in EW on Barton Fink:
"It's finally not about anything but
itself." And here isJoanJuliet Buck
on the same film in Vogile: "Ulti-
mately, it is about nothing more
than itself." Of course, putting it
this way wasn't good enough for
The New Yorker's Terrence Raffer-
tyhe criticized the movie for its
"hermetic meaninglessness."
Finally, T. Coraghessan Boyle, the
goateed, jokey-pretentious and as-
tonishingly annoying novelist, wrote
about his house in California for Ar-
chitectural Digest. He began, "To live
in Los Angeles is to be a prisoner of
the light, eyes shrouded behind twin
panels ofsmoked glass, ever denying
the golden blister in the sky." So this
is how Faulkner would have de-
scribed Ray Bans. But "golden bus-
ter"? Gross. My favorite line of this
mood-setting opening paragraph ap-
pears a few sentences farther down,
after Boyle has explained that "you
pray for the autumnal equinox, and
then the light is. .less ripe, less
.
golden"the antibiotics have
helped, perhaps. Boyle continues
with plaintive simplicity, "It gets
dark at six, and then, with the expi-
ration of daylight savings time, at
five." Well, it would, wouldn't it? If
it got dark at six and then at 3:45
after the time change, the light in
California really would be spooky.
And the next morning? Then, at
dawn, the sun comes up. eve in the east-
ernfirmament. )
NOVEMBER 1991 S75
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-I- ---------------------------------------------------------------- -J
 signer courted her zealously, sending
her flowers and love notes and arti-
cIes about himself.
Lord had never heard of Salad mo
before he delivered his Studio 51-
A Brife $trìupefl Bare vintage come-on. In fact, the couple
were little more than acquainted
They Dìdnt Have Much of a Marriage, when they wed, for their dates were
mostly highly orchestrated dinners
but Society Decorator John Saladino and parties. Lord would come to
Tried to Get a Lot Out of It New York and stay at the West-
bury; Saladino would take her to
glamorous events and introduce her
to well-known people. Whcn he
came to Montecito, they attended
As marriages go, ¡ was an improbable union society functions. Saladino would
from the start. I-Ic was John Saladino, the celebrated interior enter a hosts home, point at fur.
decorator, whose clients have included I. M. Pei and Norman nishings and say, Wrong, wrong.
u .' But I can fix it for you.
Lear. She was Cecelia Neville Lord, called Holly, the owner of an ?)1,Ç'

In August 1989 the couple went

upscale boutique. He was a self-made man, or, in some of the cir- on a trip together. On the morning
des he aspired to join, an arriviste. She was from old money, of Lord's birthday, in London en
though not particularly wealthy herself. His time was spent in the route to Venice, she opened a
East, in Manhattan, where he lived in the former apartment of robber poached egg and found a diamond
baron Jay Gould, and Norfolk, Connecticut, where he maintained a engagement ring; nobody said Sal-
27-room estate called Robin Hill. adino wasn't capable of a romantic
She was firmly lodgcd in Santa Bar- wife, when he desiiwr ser his social gesture. They were married in Port
bara. He was 5 1 a dark-haired wid-
, and professional sights on wealthy Antonio, Jamaica, on New Years
ower who had been married for Santa Barbara. While maintaining Day 1990, and their first hours as
nearly 18 yearsbut who intimates his business anti residences in the husband and wife set the tone for
suggest was in his heart a confirmed East, he bought a small house, de- their six months together: friends
bachelor. She was 43 and blond, scribing his new neighborhood, in a of Lord's claim that Saladino's
but not glamorousa woman who Town & Country pictorial, as "my teenage son welcomed his step-
had dated little in the ten years Eden.' He then began attract- mother into the family with a
since her divorce. But improba- ing clients. Though he had drunken and highly insulting toast.
bility was obviously a ball- some success in Santa Barbara Later, Saladino harshly criticized
mark of their union; in- among newcomers (he re- Lord's sons for being vegetarians.
deed, his opening line modeled a house for Paul The newlyweds spent their wed-
when they met was, Junger Witt, the execu- ding night apart. In that regard,
"You're a Leo, arent tive producer of Golden their first night was no different
you?. .1 am, too!" Before
.
-
Girls, for example), he from any other night in their rela-
their marriage was over, '

lacked social entrée tionship. As Lord later told her at-

Saladino would attempt to
exploit her assets and con-
nections so coldly that
one might thinkand
this is not a hard thing
to say about a mar-
nage built on a mere
five face-ro-face en-
counters spread over
six monthsthat there
never really was very
much love there at all.
The story begins in the
summer of 1988, shortly after
the death of Saladino's first
78 SPY NOVEMBER 1991
.
among the local WASP
elite, whose acceptance is
crucial to a designer's busi-
ness.
Enter Holly Lord. The step-
daughter of Leonard Dalsemer, a
retired New York executive and
Montecito scion, Lord was well posi-
tioned to provide someonesay, a
spousewith access to exclusive
Santa Barbara. They met in October
1988 at a wedding; Lord thought the
pudgy fellow in the gray suit might
be an "extraterrestrial," as she
confided to a friend later. But the de-
torney, "John and I never discussed
his sexuality. I had a long period of
questioning my own, because the
man who loved me so much could
never touch or kiss me. But the
flood of compliments and love kept
me mute, and the hypnotic energy
of his personality won.'
Had Lord bothered to do a bit of
research on her betrothed, she
would have discovered that he often
aped the life-style of his extremely
wealthy clients, even ifhis cash flow
did not match his tastes. Lord
would also have learned that many
of the jobs taken on by the brilliant
but Napoleonic Saladino ended in
acrimony, if not litigation.
When a marriage that lasts only
six months goes bad, it cannot be
said to have soured gradually.
Sources close to Lord claim that al-
most from the start, Sal-
adino launched fault-
finding missions against
his wife, berating her
unmercifully. Saladino
would tell her what Saladi
shoes to wear, what
plastic surgery she his w
should have performed
and even not to wear to we
nail polish because it
madeher"lookJewish."
For a man putatively
polish
in love, Saladino made a ma
lot of very pragmatic
demands of his bride.
Rather than spend the
customary year or so
getting to know the
members of Santa Barbara's exclu-
sive Birnam Wood Golf Club as a
guest of his wife's family, Saladino
pushed Lord to get him in immedi-
ately. He was also very disappointed
that membership in clubs in New
York to which her stepfather be-
longed was not automatically be-
stowed upon him as part of her
dowry.
Although theirs was a commuter
marriage, he dismissed her $2.5-
million adobe home as an unsuit-
able dwelling for the Saladinos and
derided her western antiques as
items fit only for "stockbrokers."
He said he wanted to build his
dream house. Against the advice of
her accountant and attorney, Lord
refinanced her house. This gave Sal-
adino the $250,000 he said they
would need as a down payment for
$3 million worth of panoramic
acreage in nearby Summerland. On
that land, he said, they would build
a 40,000-square-foot Italian villa.
Sources close to Lord suggest that
Saladino promised he would take
care of the monthly mortgage pay-
ments, but when it came time to
;ign a paper to such effect, the de-
signer was in New York. Saladino,
who would later claim that the
mortgage payments wcre to be
made "collectively," told Lord to
sign the mortgage agreement any-
way, promising to bring the appro-
priate paperwork on his next visit.
She never saw those docu-
ments. But then, she
never saw most of her
wedding presents either.
1. IJ They, like the supposed
LOIU
documents, were back
east.
not After he made mort-
gage payments of
nail $62,000, Saladino's finan-
cial contribution to the
ause marriage practically
ceased, as did Lord's. Her
her friends claim that he
never had his wallet with
him, leaving Lord to pick
iish"
UI) the tab for dinners,
limousines and $50,000
worth of Venetian glass
he wanted for his showroom in
New York. The money, he once in-
dicated to her, was just the cover
charge for his personality.
Lord also alleges in California
Superior Court documents that the
designer may have taken antiques
worth roughly $30,000 from Las
Tejas, an estate he had refurbished
in Montecito. According to sworn
testimony, Saladino wondered aloud
to his wife, who was at Las Tejas
scrubbing floors in preparation for
Architectural Digest and HG photo
shoots, whether he should remove
an antique urn and table. I-le
claimed the client owed him
money. The items later turned up
among his possessions. Saladino,
who subsequently returned the
property, told SPY he blamed a care-
taker who "inadvertently included"
the antiques with his.
once Lord's savings ran out
sources in Santa Barbara say she may
have lost $600,000 on the Summer-
land property alonethe designer
decided w separate from his wife.
One of his last acts as a member of
the family was phone Lord's
mother and brother and request a
$1 .5 million loan from each of them.
They declined. Despite Saladim's cf-
forts to sell it, the Summerland
property went into foreclosure this
past June. On the last day the couple
spent together, in June 1990, he
threw a tantrum because she had for-
gotten to chill wine for him, which
left him only champagne to drink.
Then he embarked on a lunch date
with her credit cards, in her BMW.
He stuck the car in a garage and flew
east; he did not return.
Saladino's friends in Connecticut
are quick to argue that Lord was no
saintin fact, they portray her as a
cold-blooded philanderer who
wanted nothing more than to be
Mrs. John Saladino, but in name
alone. Four months into the mar-
nage, she took up with an electrical
contractor who lived in the guest-
house at Las Tejas and worked for
Saladino on that and other projects.
Even before Saladino moved out,
Lord had begun bringing the con-
tractor to black-tie parties and not-
at-all-ironically introducing him as
"John's West Coast manager." Lord
and the contractor have since gone
their separate ways. One friend of
Saladino's summarized the marriage
by saying, "Poor little rich girl is
fine if you have the money to back
it up. And John, well, he felt he
could meet some people he could
acquire as clients. It's a mess, and
they deserve each other."
Back at home, Saladino, a hope-
less romantic, has escorted a promi-
nent design editor around town and
written letters ("I'll be there soon,"
one says. "Reach out to me") to an-
other. Both women are in key posi-
tions to advance his career by pub-
lishing his work. Meanwhile, nego-
tiations on the Saladinos' divorce
settlement proceed. His attorney
says the designer views the mar-
nage as "an unfortunate mistake."
Lord too seems sadly accepting of
the experience. "I do not feel too
bad that I was fired as a wife," she
now says of her marriage to the
man who had her hypnotized. "In
that same six-month period John
fired several clients.")
NOVEMBER 1991 SPY 79
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 Chhille

a' JDA# l'I

, ' '
' I
í{Hh#J,
Cowaflunga, 'aÌrDtuI'If? I

._p
How the Feds Came to Own
a Piece of the Turtles o OR
-cr
"

S9.95
It was tough enough explaining the Pee-s DR. SCIENCE Briqht yeUow ironstone
Heres how to display
unpleasantness to kids. How do you tell them the crime- S MUG MUG arrogance n style

fighting Teenage MLltiant Ninja Turtles are a front for illegal

drug money?
In a coordinated effort that unfolded early one August morning 100% cotton shirt (turq+ or red),
1'
BORN TO BE TILED LP ,
and spanned four boroughs of New York City, the Drug Enforce- (Rounder Records),'I Doghead
ment Agency and the New York State and City police arrested Eric Duck's Breath' bumpersticker, ' S

HOMEMADE RADIO 45-min.

Millan-Colon, leader of the Blue Thunder drug ring, and 29 of his cassette ('Funniest 90 seconds
confidants, suppliers and "mid-level managers," thereby disbanding a on radioL.A. Times) & button.
cartel that had kept the city well DR. SCIENCE Big Book of Science,
stocked in heroin for five years. under federal lock and key; co GIFT PACK Sampler Cassette,
Forty million dollars' worth of his passersby, no more of the sixth- Masters Degree, Button &
gang's assets were also seized the floor office is visible than a bolted a 100% cotton Tee or
.
50/50 Sweat (S/M/LJXL)
day he was indicted on drug-traf- steel door and a large u.s. MAR- #
ficking charges. The point of such SHALS sticker.
A doorman at the building says
¿:3 w/Tee $29.95.
w/Sweat S36.95
forfeitures, according to Federal p
Every page a smirk from
Marshal Bill Licatovich, is "to pe- he had always thought Ejay Enter- ; g
the hit public radio
series THE NEW YORK
nalize drug traffickers by" caking
away their profit motive. In this
case, that meant taking away their
prises was fishy: "They looked likc
rock 'n' rollers or drug dealers; I al-
ways figured drug dealers. No
I II tWIJ
TIMEScalls 'hilariously
bogus gobbledygook"
$10.95 postpaid

clients ever showed up, and the SENSELESS CRUELTY

homes, taking away their cars and,
yesbecause Millan-Colon had used
heroin proceeds to purchase the Ar-
gentinean rights to a certain quartet
of famous reptilestaking away
their Turtles. For the cime being,
the U.S. government is in the Ninja
Double-length cassette with Dr. Science,
hours they kept were not exactly Ian Shoales, screwball sketches S9.95
nine to five. The only thing I can't IAN SHOALES' PERFECT WORLD
" A comic novel PLUS audiocassette version
figure," he adds, is why they didn't from the 'seer of sneer' (Chicago
give us Christmas gifts. You'd Sun-Times). Book & Tape $12.95
figure with all the money going ZADAR!COW
throúgh there, they could afford a FROM HELL! .
''

Turtle business. few pens or something." Our befuddled,

"Personal feelings have nothing Once Ejay's corporate records fell radioaCtive Cow .
;
'!j S
to do with this," says Dietrich Snell, into government hands, it became From Heil! 100%
,

an assistant U.S. Attorney prosecut- clear that in the war between light Cotton tee I
ing the case. S/M/LJXL$13.95 L'
and darkness, the Ninja Turtles had )(.

Millan-Colon held the Ninja Tur- been caught in the shadows. It's a "An American

ties' rights through his company
Ejay Enterprises, which allegedly
promoted international concerts
(such as Bob Dylan's recent South
American tour) by day and laun-
dered drug money by night. No
longer. The company's West 58th
Street headquarters is at present
standard plot: the good guy falls on
MontyPython"
Newsweek
-
.
hard times and flirts with evil
Luke Skywaiker associating with I ., DUCKS
BREATH
Darth Vader, Greg Brady smoking a . '
P.O.BOX 22513-SS
cigarette. Surge Licensing Inc., the SAN FRANCISCO CA 94122
caretaker of the Ninja Turtle copy- or charge by phone (916) 265-5470
right worldwide, fails to appreciate Ca/I or write for free newsletter!
0' ALL PRICES POSTPAID
the poetic beauty in all ofthis. "The
NOVEMBER 199i SPY
 Photo Credits
Cover: Photographed by Carolyn Jones
(body); Chancellor/Alpha/Globe Photos
(Princess Di); styled by Nian Fish; hair by
Clare Lichtenberger for La Coupe.
Page 2: Marina Gamier (Monheit); E. Ann
Stoddard/Paim Beach Daily News (Sullivan);
Peter Ardito (raccoon).
Page 5: U Pl/Bettmann Newsphotos
(Brown); Photofest (alien);
Reuters/Bettmann Newsphotos (bulldozer);
Sloan/Gamma Liaison (Baker); Archive
Photos (woman).
Page 6: Reuters/Bettmann Newsphotos
(Jackson).
Page 28: Marina Gamier (Ross, Taylor);
Savignano/Galella, Ltd. (Gotti).
Page 29: H. Armstrong Roberts (statue);
Thomas Leigue J r./IJSAF (Schwarzkopf).
Page 32: Jim Bourg/Gamma Liaison
(Wilder).
Page 34: Archive Photos (cheese); Sara
Barrett (Monheit).
Page 36: Marina Gamier (Greene); Vince
Alosa (Claiborne).
Page 40: Barry King/Gamma Liaison
(Ovitz); U Pl/Bettmann Newsphotos
C Rauschenberg, D isney, R ockefel 1er); Gamma
Liaison (Keaton); Mikki Ansin/Gamma
Liaison (Temple); Archive Photos (Powell);
AP/ Wide World Photos (Du Pont); Alistair
Morrison (Day-Lewis); Ron Galella, Ltd.
(Vanilla Ice).
Page 42: E. Ann Stoddard/Paim Beach Daily
News (Sullivan).
Page 43: Stock South (Sullivan); Superstock
(palm trees).
Page 45: E. Ann Stoddard/Palm Beach Daily
News (house).
Page 48: Jeff Greene (courtroom); Allen
Eyestone/The Palm Beach Post (Sullivan).
Page 50: Thomas Hart Shelby (Sullivan).
Andrew Semel (Glover); © 1991
Page 51:
NBC Inc. (Spencer); © 1990 Craig Sjodin/
Capital Cities/ABC (Chen).
Page 52: Apesteguy/Gamma Liaison
(G rima dis).
Page 57: Marina Gamier (Monheit).
Page 58: Marina Gamier (Monheit).
Page 60: Marina Gamier (Monheit).
Page 62: Ron Galella, Ltd. (Madonna);
Michael Ferguson/Globe Photos (Kravitz); S.
Kerman i/Gamma Liaison (concert); H.
Armstrong Roberts (camel).
Page 63: Steve Schapiro/Gamma Liaison
(Osmonds); Marina Gamier (Dinkins).
Page 64: H. Armstrong Roberts (UN);
Lester Cohen (Connick); J. La Russo/Gamma
Liaison (Marsalis); Kashi/Gamma Liaison
(Ireland).
Page 65: Archive Photos (scout); Ron
Galella, Ltd. (Philbin); Van Parys/Sygma
(Havel).
Page 66: Albert Ferreira/DMI (Minnelli);
Marina Gamier (Wolfe); Smeal/Galella, Ltd.
(Allen).
Page 67: Bauer/Galella, Ltd. (Stewart);
Ledru/Sygma (Gorbachev); Photofest
(Costner, Sheen, Beatty).
Page 78: Marina Gamier (Saladino).
Page 8]: Alan Markfield (turtle).
Pages 84-85: Steve Barrett (Quayle); Albert
Ferreira/DM I (Madonna, Onassis, Simon);
John Paschal/Celebrity Photo (Gottfried); all
others, Marina Gamier.
Page 86: John Paschal/Celebrity Photo
(Lords); Albert Ferreira/DMI (Pacino); all
others, Marina Gamier.
82 SPY NOVEMBER 1991
Turtles have always had an antidrug
message," says Roger Ardanowski,
a Surge spokesman. "They're crime
fighters! Any kid can tell you that.
Millan-Colon in no way reflects on
the integrity ofthe Ninja Turtles."
The 29-year-old Millan-Colon,
who grew UI) a Lower East Side
housing project, had been suspected
of drug dealing since the early
1980s. His funds were handled so
cleverly, though, that he'd until
now avoided arrest, let alone indict-
ment. The S I . I million purchase of
a piece of the Turtles in April
which Millan-Colon discussed in
court-ordered wiretaps of his cellu-
lar-phone conversationswas a pur-
chase well beyond his legitimate
financial means as a concert pro-
moter, and it was a highly visible
one. Why did the drug dealer make
such a foolish move? Maybe, like
Bugsy Siegel, he found the glamour
irresistible. Or maybe he identified
with the Turtles. Like them, he is
part of a grotty, shadowy urban un-
derground. And like them, he fa-
vors colorful nicknamesCrazy
Mike, Evil, Klepper Duche and
Black José (some oí Millan-Colon's
Blue Thunder associates) may not
have the cachet of Raphael, Don-
atel lo, M ichelangelo and Leonardo,
but never mind.
Surge Licensing, of course, plays
down any and all such similarities.
The company released a statement
asserting that Millan-Colon is in
no way involved with Turtle mer-
chandise. If that's so, one wonders
about all the Turtle nunchakus,
Turtle battle masks and Turtle
posters found by police in the Ejay
office. Surge officials dismiss this,
maintaining that the promotional
rights sold to Millan-Colon were
limited in time and so narrow in
scope (only Argentina) as to be
negligible.
In any event, the timing of the
incident alone was a PR nightmare.
The same week that Millan-Colon
was followed by a caravan of agents
from the DEA and New York City
and State policea chase that ex-
tended from the Upper West Side
to a curb-jumping apprehension in
Westchester CountySurge was
proudly faxing news of the Turtles'
participation in the Partnership for
a Drug-Free America: "The Teen-
age Mutant Ninja Turtles will
emerge from the sewers to help
reach into America's i 30,000
schools with a message to help kids
stay off drugs."
But the alleged heroin lord's
Tortugas Ninjas can do no more PR
damagethey're flOW safely in the
custody of the U.S. Marshals. Mar-
shal Licatovich regards the fate of
the Turtles with the sympathy of a
sheriff for a deputy gone wrong: "If
Millan-Colon is acquitted, he can
pick up his Turtles at the door. If
he's found guilty, they'll probably
he sold in a Public auction; but if
we find out that the rights expire in
less than two years, we may ask for
a court order that lets us sell them
before the verdict is reached.
There's no point in hanging Of) to
them until they're worthless."
It is the obligation of the Mar-
shals to maintain the value of any
seized property; in the Turtles' case,
this means auctioning the rights
before they expire. Forfeiture auc-
tions are announced every third
Wednesday in (ISA Today.
Surge Licensing won't be check-
ing the listings that carefully: ac-
cording to spokesman Brian Dob-
son, any contract that involves the
Turtles also includes a clause that
prohibits behavior detrimental to
their reputation. "The recent events
can certainly be seen as harmful to
that image," he says. "Ejay's
rightsif they still own anycan
therefore be voided before there's
any such public auction."
The Marshals find their newest
charge a bit bewildering. "We've
seized ostriches in Texas and a casi-
no in California, but this is the first
time we've gotten hold of some-
thing like this," says Licatovich.
Then he goes anthropomorphic:
"These Turtles are like usthey're
crime fighters. But they were
owned by an alleged drug dealer.
It's kind ofironic.")
 Le White Me There should just be civic
leaders, business lead-
ers. The only reason
we had "nega-
rive Negroes in
\

inaiìenaniy wren '

a positive
America," he
said, was that
Still Not Ready Negroes had
to go into
Ifter All These Years t.

:: , :4
their neigh-
borhood gro-
cery and buy two
Ely ROY BI000t JP.
eggs for i 5 cents." This was when
eggs in a white-neighborhood su-
Since predictable liberalism grody to permarket were maybe 35 cents a
the max, I can't always be saying to women and gays and dozen. "And at that same store, we
borrow $3 till l:rjciay and have to
African Americans, "You are right." And since centrist pay back $3.75.'
Democrats are going nowhere, I can't say, "You are right, but we Well, I said, wasn't that because
can't afford it." And since I belong to no category of people that is ours was a racist society?
either socially unconscious (Republican) or disadvantaged enough He looked at me in disappoint-
to assert self-interest, politics for me is a constant struggle. ment. "You're not ready," he
When Thelma & Louise came out, I told my women friends (friends sighed. "I thought you were ready."
who happen to be women), "Hey, it didn't bother mc one bit to watch But I would never be ready, Bob
Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis maintained, until I recognized that
shooting men or locking them in permit rhern to embrace Jesse the Negro's problem was, he was
car trunks or blowing up their fuel Helms. undercapitalized.
tanks; sumbitches had it coming. With regard to African Amen- Now, 25 years later, that is pret-
And it just this minute hit me that cansfor one thing, do I have to ty much the human condition. The
sumbitch is sexist." start saying "African Americans"? Third World is undercapitalized by
Then, when ir turned out that That sounds like term white peo- (our) definition, the former Soviet
most of my women friends didn't pie would make up. Then theres bloc is undercapitalized thanks to
like Thelma & Louise, I went to my the whole question of black conser- corrupt Marxism, and the U.S. is
faliback position: vatives. What if ail African Ameni- undercapitalized because we have
That's what was wrong with the cans had Thomas's back- overcapitalized on our capital.
moviethat I liked it. The men ground? White parents would be I didn't get offon talking to Bob.
were all such caricatures, why would telling their children, "Well, maybe He sounded too much like my fa-
it bother me to see them shot? In a black people do seem a bit stodgy ther. I preferred arguing with Stu-
good movie, the women would've sometimes, but you have to remem- dent Nonviolent Coordinating
shotmenlcouldidentifywith. her that they were originally Committee organizers at riot scenes.
There can, ofcourse, be no defen- brought to this country by strict They wore roomy overalls and san-
sible male opinion on date rape, but supportive grandparents and dais, Bob a synthetic shirt and tie.
butlet me say hurriedly that there nuns. And if ir weren't for African He was trying to make a living,
should be no buts about it; however, Americans, we wouldn't have that they were carrying the cutting edge
since consensuality is, after all, a music you enjoy so much, that rock beyond nonviolence.
difficult legal question. .It should
.
'n Rotary." I was going to tell Bob about my
e
be against the law, whatever happens, Back in the mid-1960s, when I sympathetic but measured response
for the man not to call the woman was a young liberal newspaper to one of these organizers, who gave
e
I the next day. Phone company keeps columnist in Atlanta, a man named his name as Little Malcolm. I began
records, right? No gray areas there. Bob Arnold, a middle-aged Negro to quote some of the things Little
E.

I With regard to gay people, I
used to say live and let live, but
AIDS has made that sound sardonic.
E, So I say it's good to know there is
e one segment of the population
whose instincts are too healthy to
(the correct term then), gave me a
hard time for focusing on integra-
don, civil disobedience and "so-
called Negro leaders," as he put it.
There shouldn't be any such
thing as Negro leaders, he argued.
Malcolm had said: "I didn't see
Patrick Henry coming up with no
nonviolent statements. A honky
supposed to die tonight"
"Two eggs for I 5 cents," Bob cut
in.)
NOVEMBER 199L SPY R3
 7- . -p

Dental Work of the Rich

and Famous
This month: Madonna,

POOP Potty

Good News, Bad News Professional weirdo David

Lynch, white-lip-gloss pioneer Mary Quant and
talented zillionaire Giorgio Armani were happy to
receive honorary degrees at Britain's Royal College of
Art this year. They were less than happy, however,
about having to dress Uj) like characters in The
Canterbury Tales.

,
Freebies l)uring his whirlwind
York, a reasonably sober Boris
1ose look at how the American
nifty perks! (1,2) At NYU, the
ny pomaded Russian president
get a real letter jacket embroi-
first name (Dude!), and (3) at a
igton dinner, he smiled gamely
lyn Quayle, displaying entirely
eristic coquettishness, adjusted
iveaway star-spangled necktie.

. ----

84 SPY NOVEMBER 1991

 Time-Lapse Photography, the Celebrity Version
At a party for Mobsters (aka Godfather Babies), Bob
Guccione, having evidently borrowed Burt Reynolds's
hairpiece for the evening, discusses important topics with
his wife and business partner, Kathy Keeton; meanwhile,
che big, not-at-all-artificial blond hair of significantly
more youthful Penthouse Pet Amy Lynn begins to hover
into view.

Old Kennedy clan rule: Always put at least Turning his back on Keeron, Guccione listens intently as
one arm's length between yourself and the Lynn performs Ophelia's madness speech...
most recently disgraced member of the family.

Having received a sterling-silver tray from

New York City mayor David Dinkins, rug-
wearing musical colonialist Paul Simon holds
it up high above his head so normal- size
people can see it.

O .and, knowing him to be an antique-jewelry enthusiast,

urges him to examine her pendant.

Keeton, meanwhile, enjoys a talk with an imaginary

friend.
 :1Ç' ;::
\ L/
First Pee-wee, Now
Bugs At the I 991
Video Software Deal-
p, ers Association
vention, an actor in a
iì Bugs Bunny suit was
- ,ì. caught groping porn
L
star Traci Lords (note
the disheveled curn-
merbund). Now you
know why Bugs
Bunny doesn't work
L
for Disney. Renaissance Man He's donc he TV
weather thing, and now socialitewar
criminal Henry Kissinger is pursuing his
newest vocational fantasyspending a
day as a greeter at a well-known midtown
restaurant!

rb
*
J
')_ k

T
fI \i:

--. (

-A1
'
-- Why Famous People Wear
Sunglasses As Michelle Pfeiffer
and Al Pacino demonstrate on
the set of Frankie and Johnny
New York's stupid U.S. senator, (the movie in which they are
Al D'Amato, demonstrating his both supposed to portray
famed knack for nuanced .d
unattractive diner workers),
political rhetoric, d iscusses big
-,
, sunglasses permit celebrities to
make sure they're looking their
issues with recycled Borscht
Belter Jackie Mason and one of \ 9"Ç; best even when no mirrors or
our boys. reflective store windows are at
hand.

86 SPY NOVEMBER 1991

 Classifieds
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 I1 IdIUtC Notes ToWa a NOflf1ctÎ NoVeI

TRANSCRIPTION OF GHWB
DICTAPHONE
Dear RECORDING 021-0991
Dictaphone.
This on?
Testing. How about
Now, I'm those
if the a guy that likes Democrats? (
vacating as much Testing.
.

guy next to me's Ç

as the next
incidentally I'm taller my predecessor at the
Casa
Reagan, yea high. than, which not Blanca,guy--eeciàl1'
whos
tire. But Bush, many people
. . .
Where was I? yea high. And I realize. It's true.
locale for me, in don't have that
foot on Walker's my life,Right--vacation.
so it spare
Point all bothers meKennebunkport,
that important
this time hell breaks every darn time I tt

And Gorby. Gee, I am loose. Last set

dealing with glad the summer it
never to leave him Yeltsin, well, we'll coup people was Saddam,
screwed it
alone with the do it, up, though.
Thought Labor keys to although you gotta
hear is camera Day'd never come. the remember
liquor cabinet.
cases Trying to line
conference banging into up a putt
kept crawling
every other
minute, microphones. Had o hold and all I
over including a press
well, because I'm my face and I couldn't that awful one where
the fly
Which led to that not the kinda guy that swat or wave it
this fella whole gets bothered away because--
thing with
Barton Fink, and Bar, where she said by flies on TV.
anybody. And she said, I said, I looked like
aide who Don't you everBarton who? I doa't
does that. read the know Barton
how shows me the paper? And I said,
unrounded I am,
and if it's not highlights. And she I have
croquet game, and
Bob. Bob, the don't I ever read foreign affairs it's goes off about
some
historical reasons hurricane. I headed anything about the stupid
right down to arts? And then
caught sitting in (like, if the Soviet
a golf cart Union Washington for
windbreaker) . And Bar--she fiddling with thecollapsed, I wouldn't
we'd have was off this zipper on my get
to airlift Bar Barton
And then I inland, but thing by then--I
over in thought Labor Sununu had left thought
town, more Day'd never us a car after
local with the all.
people with disruptiveness, ruining sales ACTING-UP crowd
develop the shops, these for these
appearance of a people that I have hardworking
(And these are rapport with over the taken so many
punch the numbers lifelong friends. Call 'em course of pains to
cost me a whole myself. And they up whenever my life.
I
day on the answer.) Those want, all
across? Is links. Is so-called hours,
that fair? that the protesters
that it's Now, I've way to get your
a a behavioral tried to
thing that explain my position message
significant deserves a certain on this,
doing plenty. amount, for appropriate
like Doing plenty. But research and so amount of funding,
after all, AIDS forth. And we're
You can Cigarette-boating.
choose not to Like is a
Weejuns. You can life-style
this--is wear choose not to choice,
compassion, and Weejuns. What's get AIDS.
talk about that. anyone can tell important--and I have
Tell ya, it was you that I said
like a movie all
am always
Vacation, one of
happy to
those month, like
things we watch Lampoon's
on the V. Presidential
September 1991 See, Bar? Arts.
GHWB:gk
 Like the perfect gown or a well-tailored suit,
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 r
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