WIVES AND HUSBANDS (4): MARRIAGE WITH A MISSION

(Ephesians 5:22-33)

I suppose we’ve all heard about the little boy who prayed, “God bless Ma
and Pa, and me and Lenore, us four and no more.” Of course, when it’s put
that way, we see the extreme selfishness of an ingrown family. But I think
this exact condition happens to many Christian families. We put so much
emphasis on family that it is easy for that to become all that our marriage
is about. Me and mine. It reminds me of a beautiful highway just outside
Bryson City, NC. The locals call it "The Road to Nowhere." It was
supposed to go to Townsend, Tennessee, but environmental concerns
stopped the project. Beautiful scenery surrounds a couple of miles of
smooth road, but it simply comes to an end. Our question this morning is, is
our marriage going somewhere, or is it on the easy road to nowhere? No
purpose other than a smooth ride to 50 years. Then – nothing!

Our topic is two kinds of marriage – introducing Eph 5:22-33. Last week I
told you the story of Sir Christopher Wren who designed the inside of
Windsor Town Hall to be supported by pillars. When building inspectors
questioned the support of his structure, he put in four more pillars – four
more pillars that did not actually touch the ceiling; they only looked as if
they did. The fake pillars remain to this day, reaching toward – nothing!

Marriage needs pillars that reach the ceiling. That means following the
design of the Creator of marriage as laid out in Scripture. Marriage
according to His principles and His plans. Not all marriages qualify. The
world’s cheap substitute is secular marriage. It’s the knock-off versus the
Rolex. So what distinguishes these two types of marriage?

I. Secular Based on Eros; Christian Marriage is Based on Agape

Countless spouses have heard, “I just don’t love you anymore,” as their
partner walks out the door? That cannot happen in a truly Christian
marriage. Why not? Because the love promised in a Christ-centered union
is not erotic, romantic, chemistry-based eros. It is the selfless, decision-
based agape love that God instructs. According to I Cor 13 it bears all and
never fails. So --- whatever the crisis – it is the rock at the center.

II. SecMar Legitimizes Children; ChristMar Legitimizes Parents

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Marriage is about children and family – but first and foremost, it is about
the relationship between two people, merging two identities into one new
one to better reflect God’s glory. Children are result of – not purpose for.

III.Secular Marriage Involves Unrepentant Sinners; Christian

Marriage Involves Repentant Sinners
All marriage involves sinners because it involves people. The question is,
are they repentant, Christian sinners, dedicated to a life in Christ, or are they
unrepentant sinners, basically leading a self-centered life?

IV. Secular Marriage Involves Two Committed People; Christian

Marriage Involves a Committed Man and Woman

We saw in detail last week why true marriage is between man and woman.
The image of God involves both male and female according to Genesis 1;
thus Homosexual marriage is a distortion of the image of God. It also
involves a willful, ongoing disobedience to God’s expressed will regarding
sexuality. So a same sex marriage can never be a Christian union. Okay,
that’s review. Now let’s continue.

V. Secular Marriage Has Happiness as a Goal; Christian Marriage

Has Holiness as a Goal

Secular marriage has happiness as its purpose. Christian marriage has

holiness as its goal. There’s a shocker! Marriage? Not about happiness?
Of course marriage is about happiness. But happiness must not occupy
first seat in the orchestra. Eph. 5:25-27, “25) Husbands, love your wives,
as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26) that he might
(make her happy? No, that He might) sanctify her, having cleansed her by
the washing of water with the word, 27) so that he might present the church
to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she
might be holy and without blemish.” Why did Christ give Himself for the
Church? So that she could be happy? Not primarily. Christ gave Himself
for the church to make her holy, without blemish. The emphasis is holiness.

Eph 5:1 sets the tone: “1) Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved
children.” That echoes the instruction of Lev 11:44, “44) Consecrate
yourselves therefore, and be (happy?) holy, for I am holy.” Beloved, I don’t
know of a single command in Scripture to be happy, but I know of many to
be holy. Does God want His children to be happy? More than you want
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your children to be happy. More than that. But first He desires our
holiness. And so marriage is more about two people creating holiness
than it is about their creating happiness.

How does this happen? Proverbs 27:17 says, “17) Iron sharpens iron, and
one man (or woman) sharpens another.” No relationship on earth is so
poised to enhance holiness as marriage. Two people rub each other wrong
more in marriage than in any other relationship, and every one of those is
an occasion for sharpening, for changing, for transforming, for
becoming holy. We don’t know true selfishness until we get married!
Years ago, Donald Grey Barnhouse was counseling a couple. The husband
spoke in frustration at one point, saying, “But I don’t understand it. I have
given you anything a woman could want -- a nice house, a car, all the
clothes you can wear. I’ve given you …” The list went on. When he ended,
his wife replied sadly, “Yes, John. That is true. You have given me
everything … everything but yourself.” The ultimate in love is to give
oneself. That’s when holiness starts -- when we give ourself away.
Christian marriage is about selflessness. Secular marriage says, “Make me
happy.” Christian marriage says, “Let me give myself to you”. And
holiness starts when we give self away. A pillar to the top -- and ironically
brings happiness.

Mike Mason in The Mystery of Marriage, notes that marriage is demanding

and shares his initial reaction that somehow “I had been tricked into selling
my very soul for the sake of a woman's love!” He got a graduate course in
agape love and realized: it asks for everything. Not just a little bit, or a
whole lot, but for everything. He goes on: “But how hard is it to give
everything! . . . The wedding is merely the beginning of a lifelong process
of handing over absolutely everything, and not simply everything that one
owns but everything that one is. There is no one who is not broken by this
process. It is excruciating and inexorable, and no one can stand up to it.
Everyone gets broken, at least a little, on the wheel of love, and the
breaking that takes place is like nothing else under the sun.” If you’re
married, you know this truth. But, Beloved, every giving up of self; every
incident of brokenness; every conflict and every submission drives us
toward the goal of holiness. Ironically happiness trails behind holiness.

VI. Secular Marriage is About Companionship; Christian Marriage

is About Companionship With a Mission

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Back to Genesis 2. Now by way of background, seven times in Genesis 1
as God creates we read “God saw that it was good.” Seven times. “God saw
that it was good.” Then – we come to Genesis 2:18, “ Then the Lord God
said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper
fit for him.” God’s evaluation of creation. Good. Good. Good. Good.
Good. Good. Good. Not good. What?! He’s making a point. The one thing
He found not good? Man -- alone. Was God surprised? Of course not.
God arranged it thus so man would appreciate what was coming. And He
recorded it to teach companionship. On his own man is incomplete.

Companionship is a foundational purpose of marriage. It is good for the

couple, for the family and for society as a whole. For the couple it provides
the nurture that our nature demands. We are made for company. People
die of loneliness. Perhaps you heard of the guy who went to psychiatrist
asking for a split personality. The doctor said, “I usually fix split
personalities. Why on earth do you want one?” The patient answered,
“I’m so lonely.” Desperate solution! We’re made for companionship. And
in marriage we should find it at the deepest level – someone to share our
deepest life with. We’re make for that. It is tragic when two people in the
same house hardly even speak to each other. We’re made for
companionship. That’s one reason we need to be so sensitive to those who
have lost or don’t have mates and do what we can to fill that need.

Companionship also fills a need for the family. Sometimes society is

clueless. Some things are obvious. What does it take to produce a child in
the first place? What does it take? It takes a mother and father to produce a
child in the first place. There is no other way. Doesn’t that tell us
something – like maybe those same two parents are supposed to be around
for the rest of the journey? We miss the obvious in our selfish desire to have
it our way. The truth is kids get a healthy sense of identity from seeing
Mom and Dad model a loving relationship. The ideal is not always possible;
but to willfully violate this pattern is to court the judgment of God. God’s
plan is for families with a mom and dad.

The companionship of marriage is also foundational for society. Noted

sociologist and historian Carl Zimmerman, in his book Family and
Civilization, observes that the disintegration of past cultures paralleled a
decline of family life in those cultures. He identified an 8-step downward
spiral: 1) Marriage loses its sacredness...2) divorce increases; 3) traditional
meaning of the marriage ceremony is lost; 4) feminist movements abound;
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5) increased public disrespect for parents and authority; 6) an acceleration
of juvenile delinquency, promiscuity and rebellion; 7) refusal of people
with traditional marriages to accept family responsibilities; 8) a growing
desire for, and acceptance of, adultery coupled with increasing spread of
sexual perversions and sex-related crimes. Simply stated, when marriage
unravels, the disintegration of society is not far behind. We would be fools
to think that our culture will be the first to avoid this downward trend. You
can judge where you think we are on that spiral. Companionship – a key
purpose for marriage.

Now, on this issue of companionship, there is a great differentiator between

Xn and secular marriage. Companionship in secular marriage is merely for
the couple. It is self-centered. Me and Mine! And worse case may be
purely sexual, in which case it is doomed. Cannot last. In Christian
marriage, the companionship is not merely for the benefit of the couple. It
has purposeful mission far beyond that. Genesis 2:18, “Then the Lord God
said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper
fit for him.” Adam needs a helper – a helper fit for him. To fully
understand a woman’s role as wife, we have to understand those two words,
“helper” and “fit”. The Hebrew word for “helper” means just that – helper
– one who provides aid to an ongoing task. And given that the name
“Adam” is also the generic word for “man”, Adam is representing the male
species in his need for help. Apparently Adam not only needed
companionship, but he also needed help. I can’t imagine there is a woman
alive who would not agree with God’s assessment that men in general need
help.

Now – the help God brings is “fit” for him. Hebrew nagad. Root word
“opposite.” “Corresponding to” another translation. Both define the usage
in Gen 2. The helper who “corresponds to” Adam in that she is like him,
yet she is his opposite -- making up what he lacks – his fulfillment. She
completes him. These are opposite but equal parts of a new whole. Like a
broken heart necklace that fits together. Now, the ways in which the
woman complements or completes the man (and vice versa by the way) are
many. Adam cannot reproduce without Eve. She is a helper fit physically
for that most important task. She also complements him emotionally.
While he tends to be analytical, closed, independent and project driven –
she is intuitive, open, social and integrated. Together, they make a dynamic
whole – each supplying what the other lacks. If you put Adam and Eve
opposite one another, facing each other, they are a perfect fit and
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complement, physically, emotionally and every other way. They are the
fulfillment of each other. Do you see what a beautiful picture “fit” is?

But in this context, “helper fit” carries an even more specific meaning.
Adam, you see, had a job, a mission in life. It is found in Genesis 2:15: “15)
The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it
and keep it.” The Garden of Eden was paradise, and yet, it required
upkeep. That’s Adam’s job and now he is given a helper fit to aid him in
that mission. It was physical. Fruit had to be picked, plants pruned and
seed planted. It was physical; but I think it was also spiritual. Why? The
word translated “keep” means to “keep, to guard or to preserve.” Guard
what? I think we get a hint in the next use of this word. It is found in Gen
3:24 after sin has entered the picture and Adam and Eve are turned out of
the Garden we read, “24) He (God) drove out the man, and at the east of the
garden of Eden he placed the cherubim and a flaming sword that turned
every way to guard (same word translated “keep” in 2:15) the way to the
tree of life.” Originally Adam and Eve were the spiritual keepers of the
Garden, tasked with following and guarding God’s will regarding the Tree
of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Their mission was God’s will. Their
eventual failure led to God’s judgment and a death sentence.

But in God’s marvelous grace, He made the way for redemption. He

provided them with a new task through a revised expression of His will
even as He pronounced judgment. So He says to Satan in 3:15, “ I will put
enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and her
offspring; he shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise his heel.” Child-
bearing would be required to bring about what God was describing -- the
cross, where Satan would bruise the heel of Eve’s offspring, Christ, by
killing him, but in the very process, Christ bruised Satan’s head – a death
blow -- as He provided the sacrifice for the sin of the world. None of this
would come easily. And so verse 16, 16) To the woman he said, “I will
surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth
children.” Childbearing, the only path to the promised offspring, will be
painful – but it is now God’s will for them as the means of redemption.
There is a new mission – and it seems simple. But it does not turn out to be
so.

They first respond in faith. Verse 20, “The man called his wife’s name Eve,
because she was the mother of all living.” Question – had Eve born even a
single child at the time Adam named her “mother of all living?” No – she
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had not. Adam’s name for her demonstrates his determination to follow
God’s will, and his faith that God will do his part and provide the needed
Savior. We see that faith lived out in 4:1, “1) Now Adam knew Eve his
wife, and she conceived and bore Cain, saying, “I have gotten a man with
the help of the Lord.” As Eve looked into Cain’s little face, she was
thought she held the promised redeemer. “I’ve got him!” She was wrong in
her assumption, but she was right in her faith. She was holding the first
murderer, not the Savior. Abel’s murder was devastating. They didn’t just
lose their children; they lost their path to redemption; but they kept to the
task, never gave up, Through hard days, faith persevered: 4:25) And
Adam knew his wife again, and she bore a son and called his name Seth, for
she said, “God has appointed for me another offspring instead of Abel, for
Cain killed him.” and now Eve had it right as she looked into the face of
Seth, the son through whom the redeemer would come. God bless Adam
and Eve for having Seth or we would be doomed. Ever thought of that?

The point is this -- Adam and Eve were not just brought together for
companionship; they were brought together to be companions in mission.
The mission changed over time, but there was always something bigger
than themselves that was their purpose, and so it is in every Christian
marriage. Marriage, Beloved, is never intended by God as an end in itself.
Marriage as an end in itself is selfish and barren – a road to nowhere.
When life stops; it stops. We’re meant for more – to glorify God in some
unique way. So – what is God’s purpose for your marriage – not your
purpose, God’s purpose? Where is it going? What gives it value beyond
seeking 50 years of temporal happiness? God unquestionably has a
mission for you. Have you found it? Are you living it? The leads directly
to our last point.

VII. Secular Marriage Has Temporal Significance; Christian

Marriage Has Eternal Significance

The holiness that a Christian marriage is fostering and the mission that God
intends for it is not just for here and now; it has eternal value. Your life
and marriage is intended to have eternal significance. The best that a
secular marriage can do – at its very highest, is provide some measure of
comfort and security here and now, but without Christ, it cannot reach
beyond itself and into eternity, affecting lives with permanent
significance. It’s a road to nowhere. We don’t have time to develop this,
but the marriage that centers on Christ and glorifies Him has a worth that is
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beyond the couple and even beyond space and time. It makes us immortal.
A pillar that reaches right through the ceiling and into heaven itself.

CONCLUSION

We’ve seen two things about Christian marriage this morning – it is aimed
at your holiness not happiness – God oriented. And it has a mission –
others focused. These two points are exactly how Jesus summarized the
whole of our responsibility to God in Matt 22:37: “You shall love the Lord
your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.
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This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You
shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Whether you’re are alone or
marriage, “Live for God and others.” Not me and mine, but God and
others. If our goal is our own happiness or the happiness of our marriage,
we are selling ourselves short -- living the knock off, not the Rolex. The
goal will be always just out of reach. Living for God and others – holiness
and mission – that’s the Rolex. It costs more, but it is eternally worth it.
And happiness comes as a bonus.

On June 28, 1809, Adoniram Judson presented himself to the

Congregationalists for missionary service in the East. That same day he
met the lovely Ann Hasseltine. After knowing her for exactly one month,
he declared his intention. Listen to part of the letter he wrote to Ann’s
father asking for her hand: I ask, whether you can consent to part with
your daughter early next spring, to see her no more in this world; whether
you can consent to . . . her subjection to the hardships and sufferings of
missionary life; whether you can consent to her exposure . . . to every
kind of want and distress; to degradation, insult, persecution, and
perhaps a violent death. Can you consent to all this, for the sake of him
who left his heavenly home, and died for her and for you; for the sake of
perishing, immortal souls . . . ? Can you consent to all this, in hope of
soon meeting your daughter in the world of glory, with the crown of
righteousness, brightened with the acclamation of praise which shall
redound to her Savior from heathens saved, through her means, from
eternal woe and despair? God and others, Beloved. Her father let her
decide. She said yes, having no idea of the suffering they would eventually
endure through the loss of three children, imprisonment and disease. She
could not foresee her own death 14 years later to small pox. Nor could she
envision the thousands who would be inspired to missionary service by her
example or the millions who would come to know Christ as Savior as a
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result of their ministry. What she saw was marriage with a mission, life
with a purpose and an eternity of joy. Imagine her now unwilling to part
with any of it.

Now, not every marriage is called to missions, but every marriage needs a
mission – a purpose bigger than itself. A road to somewhere rather than
nowhere. Many of the problems of selfishness that plague most marriages
disappear into the greater objective when this is true. I see God closing in
on many of us in Eaton, CO with this passion. I see Him moving and I see
you responding. Imagine that our very marriages can be a means of
ministry lived for God and others. Holiness and mission – pillars that go
right through the ceiling and into eternity. God bless you as you find and
obey your mission. Let’s pray.