This is my story…

27 Apr 2007
Dear Lord Jesus,
I hate being moody and I hate being mopey. I hate the feeling of not wanting to get out of
bed in the morning and I hate the fact that I feel like no one wants to be friends with me. I
hate the selfishness of it all. I hgate the fact that simply because Stefan doesn’t share my
feelings or won’t act on them, I get angry and mad, and do not feel like I’m valuable.

I ask myself: WHERE IS MY VALUE COMING FROM? From you? Oh no Lord, not
right now. It is not coming from you right now at all. Jesus, I know in my head that you
love me, I know in my head that this is true. However, I am not feeling it in my heart. I
derived a lot of self-confidence about the way Stefan felt about me—I ran off of that
love.

But I don’t want to anymore. I want to run off of your love. Jesus, you created me. You
love me. And I want to finally be good enough. I want to finally be good enough for you
and for your love. You don’t have to earn my love, darling, I love you as you are. I love
you when you sin, when you stumble, I love you so much I gave my son up for you. Jesus,
I need this confidence. Stop looking to go back to where you once were, and start looking
ahead. Look to me and to my kingdom. Think of things of eternal value. Jesus, I know that
you tell me you love me, but I don’t love me. I don’t know how to love me. Will you
teach me to love me as you created me?

My child: Read this until it’s engrained into you:

Psalms (3/day)
Genesis (1 chpt/day)
Isaiah (1 chpt/day)
Matthew (1 chpt/day)

Jesus, please help me to do this, to stay on top of my faith, and to start having your
perspective on my life, not my own. Teach me what you will from these words, because I
have no idea where to start…

Psalm 1
-Blessed is the man who’s delight is in the law of the Lord, who meditates on the Lord’s
law day and night.
-Jesus, I want to have your words close by me at all times, both in morning and in
evening time. Jesus, it is you I want to gain my confidence from, no one else.
Father, I pray that you would be my delight.
-He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in season, and its leaf
does not wither, all He does prospers…
-…yields its fruit in season… Oh Jesus, I will not always be yielding fruit, but I
know that you promise me that somehow, this fruit will be yielded.
-will you plant me by streams of water? You are my water… I want to derive my
self-confidence from you, and you alone.
 -In all that HE DOES DO: I do not have to do everything to be loved by you. I do
not have to have a zillion friends or anything, I simply must choose a select few
and love into them. Even if I have two thousand close, close friends, it will not
make me look any better in your eyes.
-I do not want to be like chaff that the wind drives away, no, Jesus, I want to be close to
you, planted with roots growing deep. Deep in love for you.
-Jesus, you have promised time and time again that my roots will grow deep. Deep for
you. You know my path, and you know what will happen to me. You have not made a
mistake, nor would you make a mistake. I love you, Lord Jesus, and I ask that I would
hold this truth close to my heart. I AM NOT A MISTAKE. You will guide me and watch
over me.
-Where am I walking? What am I focusing on?
-I tend to see these things as signs of success:
-BOYFRIEND
-thriving ministry
-busy schedule
-meeting and loving into everyone
-ten thousand friends
-in the coffee shop, one who always has friends coming to visiting her.
-a summer experience…
-Jesus I have all these things, save the top, and I realize that these cannot fulfill me. Only
you can, Jesus. Help me to stop believing the lie that Satan is telling me. I do not need a
boyfriend or any boy who likes me to be complete and content in you. Jesus, it is not
externals that define me, it is you and you alone…
-Grow me deep, let me draw from that infinte well. I cannot do this without you!

Isaiah 1
-Jesus brought us up, but we rebel against Him. Even ox’s and ass’ know their masters,
but even we don’t. We stray, and we wander, and we walk away from the Lord’s truth.
-We are estranged from the Lord. We deal with corrupted materials, not beautiful or
precious metals.
-WE ARE ALL SICK, FAINT.
-We feel like we are left alone, give ear to the Lord, WAKE UP and begin to praise Him!
-we cannot give enough sacrifices enough to appease the Lord. We cannot do enough
good works to appease Him. This is why what I mentioned above will not grant me
entrance into God’s kingdom.
-What do I like to do?
-talk to people, listen to what they have to say
-read good books and good stories
-knit
-cook
-make things for others
-pray, sing, and be with Jesus
-ski, buy flowers for people
-be a student
-go out to dinner, do fun things like NYC
-I do not want to be a vain offering for you anymore, Jesus, He cannot endure my fake
righteous deeds anymore. My fakeness has become both a burden to me and to God.
-“We stand and lift up our hands for the joy of the Lord is our strength.”
-Jesus is weary of bearing our fakeness.
-Our hands are full of blood which taints us, but it is not the blood of truth. This true
blood, we wash ourselves with the true blood of the Lord
-“Wash yourselves, make yourselves clean, remove the evil of your deds from before my
eyes, cease to do evil, learn to do good, seek justice, correct oppression, bring justice to
the fatherless, plead the widow’s cause.”
Things which I CAN do:
-Purify ourselves in Jesus Christ.
-Jesus, I have sinned this day, I have lied, said untrue things, pitied
myself, carried around a bad attitude, and I cast that from em right
now. Please purify me, and cleanse me with hyssop. Cleanse me
with you beautiful voice.
-cease to do evil:
-I pray Lord God, that this can keep up, but the only way it will is
to keep bowing before you. I need to get on my knees once again
praising you. Keep me intentional about our relationship
-Seek Justice:
-I want justice in this world, for I want this world to be a place of
healing, a place of freedom for all.
-How can I seek justice in the daily things:
-truth, living a lifestyle of truth, being there for others, not
focusing upon myself, but focusing on the Lord
-Correct oppression:
-figure out my views on my life, and hold to them.
-Is anger okay?
-Is homosexuality okay?
-Should we give stuff to Iraq?
-Do I need to be a pacifist to be a Christian?
-Jesus I want to seek to correct this oppression in the world, but I
really need to spend some time thinking about these thigns…
-Jesus it will; take time to learn how to walk in this way, but I hontestly
think that we can do it together. I want to learn to do good things with
others and for others, and for myself.
-I must be there for those who cannot be there for themselves and this
verse truly plays upon my compassionate heart.
-Thank you for this promise that we are made white as snow by your love. You promise
good things in our lives, so thank you Jesus, I can trust this promise and this gives me
hope.
-We run after the fake gifts of this world, we truly do. We taint God’s promises and we
mix up our own desires with these.
-We do not fulfill this picture that god creates for us. WHERE IS OUR FOCUS?
-God must destroy the things in our lives that distract us from Him. He must tear them
down, because we were created to be with Him, to honor Him.
-Jesus, I know you are rebuilding me right now, and yes, it does hurt, and there will be
days like this, but tomorrow is a new day, each moment is a new moment from you.
-You are making me into your faithful bride, you are creating me into a righteous
princess, and I pray that I can follow this. We need to cast away our idols, and
cast down what we think makes us beautiful, so we can actually become that
Zion.
-Jesus I am so thankful for you and your love.
-Jesus, you will rovide the ultimate justice for me, you will provide me with a beautiful
crown of glory on that final day. I love you. Jesus, I am ashamed of myself, Jesus, I am
ashamed of my sin, and yes I have felt the full weight of this.
-I want to be like an oak that does not wither, a prospering garden.
-“And the strong shall become tinder, and his work a spark, and both of them shall burn
together, with none to quench them”—Jesus I pray that you would burn me and purify me
in your holy fire. Purify me and lead me in your awesome truth. Set me ablaze, Jesus.

“… I’m ready to fly, I think its time, I’m ready to go. I’m ready to fly…”

Matthew 1
-I cannot believe these unfaithful people were in the line of Jesus. I think that is so
amazing. This means that though I am largely unfaithful, that Jesus Christ can still use
me. Jesus, thank you so much. Thank you for using me despite my imperfections..
-“You did not condemn us to live lives of guilt…”
-Jesus your father was a just man, who was trying to follow the law. He was so unwilling
to put Mary to shame… joseph trusted the promises of God. God fulfilled His prophecy
by using an imperfect person. God can do this in me too!
-Joseph follows the commands of the Lord, no matter what.
-
-Jesus, what am I being called to do this day?
-cherish the time that you have around you
-listen to my words to you
-love into those around you, and give them the gift of my grace…

…giving the gift of grace…

-Jesus, I love you so much… So much. Thank you for being what I need. Please
accomplish your purposes in me through the last hahlf of this semester, as I continue to
seek and rely uon you. Teach me what it means to be a faithful servant, following
Joseph’s example. This is not always going to look like what I think it will look like, but I
pray that I learn to trust your promises and your words in my life. I love you Jesus, I truly
do. However, I cannot do this without you, so be all that I need tonight as I diligently
finish my paper, and keep me focused on the goal. Be my everything, for you are my
everything already. I love you Jesus.
Amen.