Witnessing to an Unchurched Spouse

By Dr. Lyle Muller

Many of us find it hard to witness to the unchurched. But when a spouse is involved,
the challenge can seem even more difficult. Here's help.

"When I first got married, it didn't bother me that my husband was unchurched. He
had so many good qualities. We were in love and filled with exciting plans for the
future. But the years have gone by, and he's still unchurched, and the feelings I've
developed of worry and pains disturb me a great deal."

This comment is often heard, in one form or another, from LCMS members. As more
of our people leave home for college or distant work places, or interact with
America's 110 million unchurched people, chances are good that many will marry
someone who is not a church member, much less a Lutheran.

Some who have married unchurched spouses speak, in later years, of disappointment
in themselves for not converting them. They had idealized a Christian marriage and
now feel as though they had failed.

Others grow increasingly critical of their unchurched spouses. They complain of

conflict over failing to set spiritual standards at home for their children. They regret
that they cannot pray together or talk about their faith. They rue their inability to
share the meaningful experiences of worship and other church activities.
Sometimes, they even suggest that their unchurched spouses are jealous of God--
that is, they are jealous of their unchurched spouses' love for Him.

In creating the institution of marriage, God intended spouses to enjoy a supportive

and complementary oneness (Gen. 2:18-25). Yet, one's marriage can still be just
that--a marriage--even when such a critical component as a shared belief in Christ is
missing. Love, care, companionship, helpfulness, faithfulness and other qualities can
be just as present, and the marriage can be a happy one. Obviously, though, a
marriage can grow only richer and stronger when Christ stands at its center.

Listed below are a few suggestions for unchurched spouses. Many more could be
listed, but these will serve as a starting point:

1. Recognize that complaining or arguing "over religion" will probably drive your
unchurched spouse even farther from the church.

2. Instead of trying to change your unchurched spouse so that you can love him
or her as a churched person, try changing yourself. Let the love of Jesus fill
you with compassion; tenderness; and a sacrificial, unconditional and
submissive love (Eph. 5; 1 Cor. 13). Remember, the jailer at Philippi was
saved, then his family (Acts 16:31). The love of God must be in our hearts
before it can be in our homes.

3. No one views our life styles more closely than our spouses. Actions speak
louder than words, and it is upon your actions that he or she will judge you as
a Christian. Through your actions, you model for your unchurched spouse
that your faith does make a difference in the way you lead your life. Your
gentle and quiet spirit, devoid of harshness and agitation, gives a beauty and
strength that can only attract the unchurched to Christ.
4. Praise the good qualities of your spouse. Let him or her know that you need
them, love them and hold them in esteem before all others. Continue to be
faithful and complete in each other. As God's love brought Christ to the
darkness of this world, so your love releases Christ's light into the dark places
of your spouse's life.

5. While not judging your spouse, you can still speak of the blessings of your
faith and church membership brings to you. Communicate and covenant
together about such things as table prayers, Bible readings or devotions with
the children. As Andrew did with his brother (John 1:41), share what you have
experienced and invite your spouse to experience Christ's blessings, too (1
John 1:1-3).

6. Use your church for support. Find a spiritual confidant for yourself, and, for
your spouse, some nonthreatening activities at which he or she will feel
comfortable. Ask your congregation to sponsor classes and group activities
with couples like you in mind.

7. Finally, trust in God. You never know how much He is working in your
spouse's life. You never know whether the seeds planted by you are being
given growth by Him, whether faith is present, and whether you are being
used by Him to save your spouse (1 Cor. 7:16). In your prayers and leaning
on God, be patient. Put your spouse into His hands, and give thanks daily for
your spouse. Trust in the Lord. He is able to do more than you think possible.