THE MOSES'S SPEECH

Written by

Mesch & Cod

Based on, Torah

As always it is a pleasure bringing you our take on the
Passover story. It is our hope that year/script number 6
brings you just as much joy as years 1-5.

Happy Pesach,
Mesch & Cod

Cast List for The Moses’ Speech

*In order of how bad you’d want it if you were a middle
school girl and this was the spring musical.

Moses

Geoffrey HaShanah

Lady Tzi Tzi

Pharaoh (The Situation)

Aaron

Nachshon

Rachel Barry

Will Schuster

Burning Bush

Egyptian Task Master

Carl

Israelite #1

Israelite #2
Israelite #3

Israelite #4

Egyptian Man

Egyptian Woman
Israelite Woman

Israelite Mafia Man

Miriam

Elijah
 2.

EXT. SLAVES QUARTERS IN EGYPT - NIGHT

The Israelites are gathered around to hear a speech. 9

plagues have swept over the Egyptians and they await
instructions on how to avoid the 10th plague, which rumor has
it is death of the first born.

INT. SLAVE HEADQUARTERS

MOSES, handsome and speaks in a British accent, sits looking

over his speech written on papyrus. AARON, his properly
bearded older brother, enters the room.

AARON
The Israelites are ready for you
Moses.

Moses stares off into the distance in epic fashion.

AARON (CONT’D)
Moses, it’s time.

Moses gets up and follows Aaron outside. He is with his wife

LADY TZIPORA (AKA LADY TZI TZI ala Lady Ga-ga), who has
fashioned an outfit for herself from weird pieces of shank
bone and Matzah.

LADY TZI TZI

You’re going to be splendid Moses,
just splendid.

EXT. SLAVES QUARTERS IN EGYPT - CONTINUOUS

The Israelites await Moses with bated breath, Moses speaks
with a stammer, which is historically accurate.

MOSES
My-my-my...my fellow...my fellow...

Moses can’t continue. His stammer stands in his way yet

again. He is clearly frustrated. Aaron steps in. He grabs a
shank bone off of Lady Tzi Tzi’s ridiculous costume.

AARON
Israelites, to avoid the 10th
plague, you must take a shank bone.

ISRAELITE #1
What is a shankbone?
 3.

Aaron holds up the shank bone.

AARON
This is a shank bone. I’m actually
not positive what it is, I believe
it’s a relative of the flank steak.
Just make sure you have one and you
shmear the blood from it on the top
of your doorpost so that your first
born will not die.

ISRAELITE #2
I’m a vegetarian. Aaron, can I use
cream cheese?

AARON
(annoyed)
That should be fine.

ISRAELITE #3
Actually, I’m a vegan. Can I use a
homemade white bean hummus spread
with toasted pine nuts?

AARON
(even more annoyed)
Yes! Whatever it is, just put
something on your door that doesn’t
usually go on your door, so God
know to PASS OVER your house.

ISRAELITE #2
Like a wreath?

Screen fades to black (yes, this is a movie, and you’re all

in it! - good for you!) and the title appears:

THE MOSES’ SPEECH

EXT. PHARAOH’S NILE SIDE SUNDAY POOL PARTY - DAY

Everyone knows that some of the best partying in Egypt

happens daytime Nile-side. The once intimate Nile-side party
has grown into a destination for all Egyptians. PHARAOH,
played by Jersey Shore’s Mike “The Situation”, is sipping on
a protein infused vodka soda. (Younger people at the table
please explain who this is to the older folk)

PHARAOH
Straight up, bein’ Pharaoh is the
real situation.
 4.

Moses, dressed as an Egyptian Prince, is off to the side

painting a top. Pharaoh lifts his tunic and shows his
washboard abs off.

PHARAOH (CONT’D)
Everyone look at my sweet abs!

MOSES
When did you get so cocky?

PHARAOH
Pretty much ever since they gave me
my own television show.

MOSES
Well, maybe you should just ta-ta-
take it easy.

PHARAOH
(mocking)
Well, maybe you should ta-ta-take a
hike Bro-ses.

Moses takes his suggestion and leaves in a huff.

PHARAOH (CONT’D)
Come on bro, I was kidding. Come
back!

Moses keeps walking away.

PHARAOH (CONT’D)
Aight. Keep walking. I don’t care.

Sandstorm by DJ Tiesto starts to play from a DJ both.

PHARAOH (CONT’D)
Now that’s my jam! Techno is the
best. Who wants to take a shot of
Patron out of my belly button?

Pharaoh picks one lucky lady to take the shot. Then he

scepter pumps in the air and dances the afternoon away to the
sweet sounds of techno.

EXT. NEARBY THE PYRAMIDS - DAY

Moses, still upset, saunters by an EGYPTIAN TASK MASTER

beating an Israelite slave as he lays bricks. The task master
looks like one of the Winkelvoss twins from The Social
Network.
 5.

EGYPTIAN TASK MASTER

Take that! Keep those bricks
moving. I want to go ride the Nile
in my schooner and then take credit
for something I didn’t do.

GEOFFREY HASHANNAH, a middle aged man who also speaks with a

British accent, grimaces in pain.

GEOFFREY
(In your best
Shakespearean voice)
“Being your slave what should I do
but tend upon the hours, and times
of your desire? I have no precious
time at all to spend; Nor services
to do, till you require.”

MOSES
Sa-sa-sonnet 57. Well said good
sir. Are you okay?

GEOFFREY
Ah Moses, you are a wise Prince.
I’m fine, each day I just remind
myself, “Reality is wrong. Dreams
are for real.” And I seem to get
by.

MOSES
The Tempest?

GEOFFREY
Tupac.

EGYPTIAN TASK MASTER

Quoting rap that hasn’t been rapped
yet? Extra lashings!

As the Task Master starts to whip the Slave, Moses

intervenes.

MOSES
Sa-sa-stop that! I am the Prince of
Egypt and I command you to stop.

EGYPTIAN TASK MASTER

(mocking)
Prince of Egypt, huh? Whatever you
say Pa-pa-porky Pig!

Moses takes out his scepter and hits the Task Master good and
hard...a little too hard. Moses checks his pulse. It’s non
existent.
 6.

MOSES
I think this man is dead.

GEOFFREY
We should go immediately.

MOSES
Where should we go?

GEOFFREY
Anywhere but here.

MOSES
I’ll get my chariot!

GEOFFREY
To the chariot!

MOSES
You ca-ca-can’t come. I don’t even
know your name.

GEOFFREY
Allow me to introduce myself.
Geoffrey HaShanah. Geoffrey
Rush...HaShanah. Apples and honey?

Geoffery all of a sudden has a plate of apples and honey that

he holds up and offers to Moses.

MOSES
No thank you, I’m full from a nosh
I had at the pool.

Moses thinks for a second, but realizing he has no time to

waste and no reason not to trust Geoffrey agrees to leave
with him. They run off, hop into Moses’ chariot, and flee
the city!

EXT. FIELD - DAY - A FEW MONTHS LATER

Moses is now dressed as a Shepard. Geoffrey HaShanah is

walking with him and some sheep that he is herding.

GEOFFREY
Alright Moishe, again.

MOSES
You will refer to me as Moses or
the Prince of Egypt.
 7.

GEOFFREY
Okay Moishe, repeat after me.
“Cantor Katz quickly cooked a
kosher kuggle in the kitchen.”

MOSES
I certainly will not.

GEOFFREY
If you want help with your stammer,
you will.

MOSES
Who cares Geoffrey? It doesn’t
matter, I’m just a poor shepherd
now. I will never surmount to
anything. I’m a loser. A loser!

GEOFFREY
Moishe, you didn’t stutter once.
You didn’t think just then, you
spoke from the heart. Remember
that.

A sheep leaves the flock.

MOSES
Da-da-dammit Carl.

GEOFFREY
You’ve named the sheep Carl?

MOSES
Yes, I’ve named all of my sheep.

He starts pointing to them.

MOSES (CONT’D)
That is Ron, Howard, Blake,
Griffin, there is Winslow and Carl
just ran away. Look after the
others, I will be right back!

EXT. CAVE - CONTINUOUS

There is something mysterious about this cave, but Moses

can’t quite put his finger on it.

MOSES
Here Carl Carl...Here Carl Carl.

Moses sees Carl going into the cave and follows him.
 8.

INT. CAVE - CONTINUOUS

Moses sees Carl standing near a bare branched bush. Moses

takes of his shoes, which are a pair of ancient TOMS, and
goes over to Carl and picks him up.

MOSES
Silly Carl. Man, it’s really hot in
here.

All of a sudden the bush sets on fire! Moses is caught off

guard and heads for the exit, but realizes that the bush
isn’t actually burning. He goes closer to it, and reaches out
to the fire like he will touch it, when all of a sudden the
BURNING BUSH, with a booming voice, begins to speak -

BURNING BUSH
This is God. Talking to you through
a bush.

MOSES
Why are you talking to me through a
bush?

BURNING BUSH
I would have spoken to you through
a tree, but thousands of years from
now people will be saying the word
“bush” a good 9 or 10 times at
their dinner table, and that is
hilarious. Moses, I have to tell
you something, you are not the
Prince of Egypt.

MOSES
What do you mean?

BURNING BUSH
Moses, you are the son of
Yocheved...you are Jewish.

MOSES
I knew it! Now it makes sense why I
didn’t make the All-Egypt football
team.

BURNING BUSH
You must save the Jewish people
Moses. You must tell Pharaoh to let
your people go.

MOSES
I can’t.
 9.

BURNING BUSH
Hey Moses. God here. I don’t really
accept no as an answer.

MOSES
I-I-I can’t.

BURNING BUSH
Why not!

Moses in his Oscar winning, scene stealing moment yells!

MOSES
Because I bloody well stammer!

The Burning Bush would put his arm around Moses at this point
in the story, but it’s a bush so it didn’t.

BURNING BUSH
You know what King George the
Sixth, Darwin, and Napoleon had in
common?

MOSES
They are all people I’ve never
heard of.

BURNING BUSH
Well, that is true. But they also
had stammers, and they each
accomplished great things. Go to
Egypt Moses. Tell Pharaoh to free
the slaves. Free YOUR people.

The bush stops burning. It is just a bush again. Moses grabs

Carl, puts him in his arms, and they exit the cave.

CARL
Baaaaa.

EXT. FIELD - DAY

Moses sits with Geoffrey and his sheep.

GEOFFREY
So let me get this straight, the
burning bush spoke to you and said
that you need to free the
Israelites?

MOSES
Yes Geoffrey that is exactly what
happened.
 10.

GEOFFREY
Well, you know what they say?

MOSES
No, what do they say?

GEOFFREY
If a bush speaks to you. It must be
the one and only God.

MOSES
People say that?

GEOFFREY
No. I just wanted you to feel less
crazy.

MOSES
Well. I-I-I know what I heard and
what I must do. Will you help me
with my speech?

GEOFFREY
We start training at once!

MONTAGE

Over the next few minutes we see a series of images depicting

Moses’ training with Geoffrey. He is doing a myriad of speech
exercises including, but not limited to, laying on the floor,
rolling around, and singing the Alef bet song.

EVERYONE
Aleph, Bet, Vet...Gimmel, Dalet,
Hey!

Moses puts his fist in his mouth, jumps rope, does the hokey
pokey and of course, turns himself around. The montage ends.

GEOFFREY
You’re ready.

MOSES
That was like a minute, I-I-I am
not ready.

GEOFFREY
You’re close Moses.

Lady Tzi Tzi, Moses’s wife/aspiring Egyptian pop singer who

he met as a shepherd, approaches Moses and Geoffrey.
 11.

MOSES
Lady Tzi Tzi, we need to leave this
place and go to Egypt. I am a Jew
and need to save my pa-pa-people.

LADY TZI TZI

I can’t. Not till I’m done
finishing my new song.

GEOFFREY
What song?

LADY TZI TZI

It’s called Poker Face.

MOSES
Pa-pa-pokerface?

LADY TZI TZI

That’s perfect! Moses you are a
genius.

Like all men do he smiles and takes credit, even though it

was not intentional.

GEOFFREY
Well then, we leave at once. I will
prepare the camels!

INT. PHARAOH’S MAIN HALL - DAY

Pharaoh sits on the throne without a shirt on, as is only

appropriate with Egyptian Royalty and on the Jersey Shore.
The hall is filled with people and, per usual, Techno is
blasting.

PHARAOH
(singing to himself)
Man it feels good to be the
Pharaoh.

The doors to the main hall swing open. Moses appears with
Aaron, his true brother who he reunited with outside the
palace.

CUT TO:

EXT. PALACE - 5 MINUTES EARLIER...

Aaron sees Moses walk up to the palace.

 12.

AARON
Moses, I am your brother Aaron.

MOSES
Excellent, come with me!

CUT BACK TO:

INT. PHARAOH’S MAIN HALL

Behind Moses and Aaron is Geoffrey in a 3 piece suit, and

Lady Tzi Tzi in something that resembles bubble wrap all over
her body.

MOSES
Pha-pha-pahraoh!

Pharaoh’s face drops to the floor. He barely recognizes his

brother who no longer resembles an Egyptian prince, but is a
bearded Shepard. A long turntable scratch, and the music is
silenced.

PHARAOH
Moishe. You’ve come to your senses
and returned. Everyone listen up. I
pardon Moses for killing one of my
taskmasters. You hear me. He is
officially pardoned forever, no
matter what. Now get over her and
give me a hug brother.

Moses stays put, which is an insult to the pharaoh.

MOSES
You need to know the truth. I am a
Jew. We came from different
mothers. You can’t make the Jewish
people be your slaves anymore.

PHARAOH
What are you on and where do I get
it?

MOSES
I’m not on ah-ah-anything. La-la-
let my Pa-pa-people-

Moses can’t finish the sentence. Aaron takes over.

AARON
If you do not listen. 10 plagues
will come.
 13.

PHARAOH
Moses, how could you? It doesn’t
matter. I’m not afraid of you and
I’m definitely not letting my
slaves go. Now leave my palace at
once!

MOSES
You’ll ra-ra-regret this.

Moses and his entourage leave the palace. Geoffrey puts his
arm around Moses.

GEOFFREY
I’m going to be honest. That wasn’t
your best performance, but you’ll
get better. Trust me Moishe.

MONTAGE OF THE PLAGUES

EXT. PHARAOH’S NILE SIDE SUNDAY POOL PARTY

An EGYPTIAN MAN dips his bucket in the Nile and pulls up a

red liquid. Egyptian man takes a sip. Runs over to his wife
who is tanning with some other Egyptian ladies.

EGYPTIAN MAN
I think the water has turned into
Malbec!

His wife, EGYPTIAN WOMAN, comes over and takes a sip.

EGYPTIAN WOMAN
This isn’t Malbec. It’s blood!

EXT. THE ROYAL LAWN OF SAND - DAY

Pharaoh is playing boche with one of his advisors. A frog

jumps on his ball.

PHARAOH
Bugger of frog!

Quickly the lawn of sand is covered in frogs.

QUICK CUTS OF FLIES SWARMING, EGYPTIANS BREAKING INTO BOILS,

HAIL FROM THE SKY! IT GETS PROGRESSIVELY WORSE.

INT. EGYPTIAN VERSION OF CHILIS - BEFORE SUNSET

The Egyptian couple from before are on a date.

 14.

EGYPTIAN WOMAN
Honey, thanks for taking me out for
our anniversary.

EGYPTIAN MAN
It feels like yesterday we were 13
years old and getting married.

The waitress comes over.

EGYPTIAN MAN (CONT’D)

We’ll take a possum blossom and the
Alligator skins to start.

The restaurant all of a sudden is in complete darkness.

EGYPTIAN WOMAN
How did you know that I’ve been
dying to try Dining in the Dark! So
fashionable and so romantic. I
thought you were afraid of the
dark. Sweetie...sweetie?

Egyptian man is under the table hiding.

INT. PHARAOH’S MAIN HALL - NIGHT

Pharaoh sits alone on his throne. Finally the lights come

back on, someone lit some candles. Moses enters the court. He
thinks that Pharaoh doesn’t notice.

PHARAOH
Moses!

MOSES
Sorry I didn’t mean to bother you,
I just left my sta-sta-staff.

PHARAOH
Why Moishe? This is so not cool.
Just as I become Pharaoh, you storm
in and ruin everything.

MOSES
I’m sorry brother, but you must la-
la-let my pa-pa-

He still can’t finish his sentence.

MOSES (CONT’D)
The next plague is worse than any
of the others Ramses.
 15.

PHARAOH
I will not let the Jews go. Not
now, not ever. This is all your
fault Moses. This is your bad!

The cast of Glee strolls into the main hall wearing outfits
that are too expensive for a private school, so the fact that
they go to a public school just doesn’t make any sense. A
microphone lowers down from the ceiling in front of Moses. Of
course the Glee club is accompanied by a full band that
obviously would be included in a public school budget. They
start to play Hey Jude by the Beatles. Moses start to sing to
the tune. If you are playing Moses and Pharaoh get ready to
sing!

MOSES
Hey dude, it’s not my bad

Let the Jews go and make it better

Just try to, let mercy into your

heart

Get a fresh start, and make it

better

PHARAOH
Hey dude, I am afraid

When I say no bro, that I mean

never

You will not, ever have the chance

to win

You and the Jews, will be slaves

forever

MOSES
Oh my bro it’s not a game, first
born, gets slain

Don’t carry that burden upon your

shoulders

PHARAOH
For well you know what I must do,
Pharaoh must rule
(MORE)
 16.
PHARAOH (CONT'D)

I’m saying no, giving the cold

shoulder.

The song pauses for a dramatic moment of dialogue. Moses

dramatically turns and exits.

MOSES
You’ll ra-ra-regret this brother.

PHARAOH
You’re not my brother.

Hey Jude chorus comes back on! Everyone sing together!

EVERYONE
Pha pha pha, Pha-pha pharaoh

Pha-pha pharaoh, adieu!

Pha pha pha, Pha-pha pharaoh

Pha-pha pharaoh, adieu!

MOSES
(spoken)
Adieu.

Moses exits. Rachel storms up to Schuster, because he sings

with the students, as that would be realistic and appropriate
in any high school glee club.

RACHEL
I only agreed to do this stupid
gig, because I was supposed to get
a solo.

Schuster ignores her.

SCHUSTER
Yeah, my hair does look great.
Thanks Rachel.

CUT TO:

INT. SLAVE HEADQUARTERS - RIGHT AFTER WHERE WE STARTED OUR

STORY

Moses sits with his face in his hands. Geoffrey is with him.

GEOFFREY
You almost had it that time Moishe.
 17.

MOSES
CALL ME MOSES!

GEOFFREY
Confidence Moishe, it’s all about
confidence.

EXT. PALACE NEXT DAY

Last night the angel of death swept over Egypt. Pharaoh sits
on the palace steps. In his arms, his eldest son, who is
dead. Pharaoh starts to cry. The Egyptian Man sees Pharaoh.

EGYPTIAN MAN
Are you crying my majesty?

PHARAOH
I don’t cry! I’m Pharaoh. I fist
pump, give orders, and drink wine.

EGYPTIAN MAN
I’m sorry Pharaoh.

PHARAOH
Do me a favor. Go tell Moses that
his people can go, but I never want
to see his face again.

The Egyptian Man leaves to give word to Moses. Pharaoh

continues to cry.

EXT. DESERT

The Israelites are walking northwest towards the Red Sea.

AARON
Okay everybody, gather around. I
see that you all brought crackers
for the journey. This is why you
need to reply all to the emails,
people. Then we’d know what
everyone else was bringing.

ISRAELITE #4
How long are we going to be
walking?

AARON
If you were concerned about the
time, don’t you think that’s a
question you should have asked
earlier?
 18.

ISRAELITE WOMAN
Sorrrrrry, Mr. Hurry-up-and-run.
Didn’t mean to offend you Mr.
Theres-no-time-for-your-bread-to-
rise-so-you’ll-be-eating-cardboard-
for-the-next-40-years.

ISRAELITE #3
This is insane. How are we even
going to cross the sea? Moses’s
magic stick?

ISRAELITE MAFIA MAN

Yeah! I got your magic stick right
here, pal!

The Israelite’s are starting to get angry. Moses gathers his

together to decide who is going to walk into the water first.
He knows that faith in g-d will make the seas part and allow
the Israelites to walk to freedom. They draw straws, Nachshon
gets it.

NACHSON
Damn.

Nachson starts to walk into the sea as Moses stands upon a

cliff and holds his staff in the air.

NACHSON (CONT’D)
Mi chamocha ba’eylim adonai...

This roughly translates to, “Me want a mocha, or at least a

figgy pie.”

NACHSON (CONT’D)
Mi kamocha nedar ba kodesh...

This roughly translates to, “Non fat mocha. Hey, when’s Rosh
Kodesh?”

Nachson’s prayer doesn’t work. Geoffrey approaches Moses on

the cliff.

GEOFFREY
It’s time. This is your moment.
Confidence Moishe, confidence!

Moses steps up to the front of the group waiting to cross the

Red Sea. Breathing deeply, fighting through the stammer, he
speaks.

MOSES
G-g-great... moments... are born
from great opportunities.
(MORE)
 19.
MOSES (CONT'D)
And that’s what you have here...
(breathes) today. One moment. If we
tried to escape the Egyptians ten
times... they’d beat us n-n-nine.
Today, we win. Today we shut them
down. Today... today... we are...
we are the chosen ones! Today, we
are the greatest Jews in the world!
You were born to be Jews! Every one
of ya! And you were meant to be
here today. This is your time.
Pharaoh’s time?... is done! It’s
over. I’m sick and tired of hearing
about what a great life the
Egyptians have! Screw em! (Moses
breathes, Geoffrey nods) This is
our time. Our time to stand up in
the face of Pharaoh and once and
for all proclaim as one, united
group... LET OUR PEOPLE GO!

EVERYONE
Yay!!!

There is a thunderous applause! Moses’s speech gave all

present goosebumps. And in that very moment, with water atop
Nachshon’s head, Moses lifts his rod even higher to the sky,
and magically the seas part and all of the Israelites walk to
freedom.

MIRIAM
Who ever thought the sea would part
with an out stretched hand and we
would pass to freedom and march to
the promised land!

CLOSING CREDITS - WHERE ARE THEY NOW OVER A BLACK SCREEN

The Jews eventually crossed the red sea before the water came
back together and crushed the Pharaoh’s army who were chasing
from behind.

Geoffrey said that he would retire from voice coaching, but

in true Brett Favre fashion was back to Moses the following
season to coach him through the first Passover Seder in the
desert.

Lady Tzi Tzi became a multi platinum pop singer lead by her
hit song “Poker Face”. Her album Born This Way, presumably a
concept album about a baby’s reluctance to have a bris, is
sure to be a best seller as well.
 20.

While Pharaoh, “The Situation”, did not catch the Jews, he

did successfully taint the reputation of his homeland for
generations to come.

The Israelites passed to freedom, and nobody ever bothered

the Jews again.

Elijah runs in across the screen.

ELIJAH
Did I miss the Passover script? I
really got to stop drinking.

THE END