Peaceful Momma: Happy baby

A guide, a memoire, a note-to-self, a

companion, or just another book on pregnancy
with a section on newborn care...

by Emmy Fritz-Krockow
Ask any midwife and they’ll tell you that each birth is entirely unique, no two births
are the same.

I am writing this for the women who will give birth.

It is my wish that every woman have a peaceful and transformative pregnancy. The
process begins before conception. Any breeder will tell you that the health of a calf is
determined by the health of the bull and lady. Everyone ‘wants’ to be healthy, but there
are always weak links in the chain of wellness. Health is much more than freedom from
disease. Leaving the ‘western’ perspective for a moment and donning a traditional
chinese perspective, if you get menstrual cramps, if you have allergies, if you’re energy
level sags at certain times of the day you are most certainly out of balance somewhere
in your system. If you smell rancid or if you’re eyes are yellow or if you’re skin has a
color other than fleshy and vibrant, then you are out of balance. If you don’t poop
regularly you are out of balance. The list goes on, but the point is, you probably know
what symptoms you have that suggest imbalance. These can be fixed, but there are
some mental and emotional barriers that create resistance to being optimally healthy.
Notice when this resistance arises by being aware of excusing yourself somehow.

What is the one thing you can do right now to improve your well-being?
What is the one thing you can stop doing right now to improve your well-being?
Now do it!

If for one month before conception you do all the things you know you ‘should’ do to be
optimally healthy, then i say you are ready. But how do you feel? Because the next
part, the pregnancy part, is mostly about noticing how you feel.
The first trimester is the foundation of your child’s body. Many people aren’t aware
that they are pregnant in this stage, and unfortunately continue acting in ways that
would usually only have a consequence on their own body. Pregnancy gives a whole
new meaning to ‘you are what you eat.’ Your baby is quite literally made of what you
are eating, from before conception until he begins eating his own food.

Most birth defects happen within the first trimester. It is when when the body is most
vulnerable. Alcohol is best avoided, as is smoking. But be aware of maintaining a
balance between disciplining yourself to be optimally healthy and feeling free to play
and relax. Although there have been rare cases where a baby was born with fetal
alcohol syndrome when the mother only had one glass of alcohol, hormones of stress and
anxiety also negatively affect the developing being, though in more subtle ways. So be
reasonable and be aware of how you feel. And be honest with yourself.

Since eating is of utmost importance, it is wise to educate yourself on what to be eating.

I stressed myself out about ‘not knowing what to eat.’ I eventually noticed my body
ran on a 3 day schedule. I needed a certain amount of magnesium, oils, b-complex,
folic acid, protein, iron, etc. But i didn’t need all of that in one day. That was
impossible. As I tuned in to how my body felt in terms of symptoms of deficiency for
certain vitamins and minerals, I noticed it ran on a 3 day cycle, so I was able to create
a 3 day staple food diet that allowed me to not think about it too much anymore.

Emotional stress is the number one enemy of good eating. News or pregnancy may
bring up social pressures, parental conflicts, and other sorts of drama. Maybe you
realize you don’t even like the father of your baby and you’re a lone pregnant wolf.
Begin being easy on yourself, flexible with yourself, patient with yourself, and
understanding with yourself. Its time to become your best friend and your own
advocate. The transformation has begun. It may be jarring, and your reality is shifting
from a me-centered world to me-and-baby centered world. There are all sorts of tools to
help you regain or maintain equilibrium and equanimity. There are mothers groups
all over the world and even if you are only pregnant, it helps to go and just sit and
watch, even if you don’t say anything. Meditation and Chi Gung are great preparation
for being present and yielding to the future newborn. It is good practice to start, if
you haven’t already, accepting things as they are and relaxing your heart, no longer
holding on to any residual tension that your body may be holding. An effective way to
do this is tapping on meridian points where you notice stuck energy. There are multiple
protocols for self-questioning and exploring where patterns begun and perpetuate. I
found EFT (emotional freedom technique) groups through Meetup.com and found
them very supportive to my transformation.

So after the first semester, you’re getting used to the idea of being pregnant. Your body
has begun to change more visibly. You have to make modifications to your yoga poses.
You research on the internet and find out: no ab work, no twisting poses, no upside
down poses... But mostly, listen to your body, as the yogis say. If a twist feels great,
twist. If you want to try a headstand to see how it feels, go for it, and then realize why
they say its not a good idea. It feels weird.

(insert quotation index)

“Do you ever wonder why chidlren are disabled, become so... as in, what kosmic
purpose does it serve? The essence of transformation, of frustration at limitations, and
stress, then breakthrough. Trying and trying to communicate, to describe concepts,
unable and unknowing what language to use, and how to get through. “Clapping.
that’s standing, this is clapping. Its fun, too.” disappointment as he turns towards the
knock on the hallway. Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance. Hope, patience, dedication
(as in, i dedicate this to you, little one) reverence, thankfulnes wish, wish, hope, hope,
try, try, and then Breakthrough!!!! *sigh* tears of joy, thankfulness, and gratitude.
*sigh* reverence, relaxation, peace.
(End quotation index)

Now... Most pregnancy books divide pregnancy into three trimesters. However, i didn’t
experience three trimesters. What i said above didn’t last three months, but maybe one
month. The rest i would divide into early, mid, and late pregnancy. In mid
pregnancy one begins to notice body changes, one begins to modify yoga poses, maybe
lose the ability to run, or biking up hills becomes difficult.

But most of all, one begins to think about the birthing experience. Some books to stay
away from are those that induce fear and worst case scenarios. It does no good focusing
on that. Leave that to the doctors and midwives. They take two to four to six years
studying worst case scenarios. You only have about 6 months left to prepare for the big
event. *shudder* No! Don’t fear! Don’t stress, don’t fear, don’t worry. Its much easier
said than done, but its the key to a peaceful pregnancy and a peaceful birth.

Every emotion you are feeling bathes your fetus in the associated chemicals. Love-
dopamine, stress- cortisol, acute fear or anger- adrenaline, happiness- serotonin. This is
a good time to realize the authority you have on the way you feel. Thoughts beget
feelings begets hormones. So start with your thoughts. “As a physically weak person
can train his body through careful persistent exercise, so a person with weak thoughts
can strengthen his habitual thoughts.” Don’t beat yourself up for having a negative
thought. Congratulate yourself for noticing the thought and not being carried away
with it. Cancel it, or acknowledge it, dismantle it, discharge it, and replace it with a
new story and a new life.
While we are raising a child through infancy and childhood, we have the power and
responsibility to shape their reality. Pregnancy is a wonderful time to dissect the core
beliefs you hold about life, about god, about family, about love, about sex, about power.
Its a great time to forgive your own parents and the society and worldview you were
inculcated into and any troubles it may have brought you, while supplementarily
being grateful for it and the contribution it has made to your character and present
worldview.

This is the way to a transformative pregnancy, and then to a graceful, wonderfully

intense, and natural birth experience. Breathe deep. How do you envision the birth?
Whatever comes up, let it be. Don’t resist it. Are you in the forest crouched by a
riverbank? That’s what it was like for me... But others i have spoken to envision
themselves in the safety of a hospital. And others yet are filled with fear, and imagine
rushing to the hospital, being afraid and in pain, not having a clue what to do. To
you i say, relax. Its the best thing you can do. Just fucking relax.

I have nothing left to say about pregnancy, so I’ll talk about the 3 to 15 hours of
transition period. You’ll get cramps, feel like you have to poop, and then realize its
happening. Or you’re water will break, and you’ll realize whats happening. The rushes
of constipation or surges of energy will become increasingly heavier or intense, giving
you ample time to get used to it and find a rhythm and find your ritual. For me it
was certain sounds, “om’ and ‘yes’ became my vocabulary. You may have thought up
mantra’s (the tool of words) during pregnancy which will find its way into your
birthing ritual, “open” is a good reminder for the opening process, and helps you relax
towards the intensity, maybe even encouraging the intensity to rip the bandaid off and
get this thing over with. Its a marathon, and if you’ve been an athlete, you have known
this feeling. Its very reminiscent of being in the third set with a moonballer nearing a
tie-breaker. In between 1 minute long rushes that give you a glimpse of eternal infinity
and absolute awareness and presence, you take four minute breaks in which you
utterly and completely relax, being playfully aware of the drool that is dripping donw
your mouth and not giving a shit. Its mostly a mental battle at this point. The
physicality of it is going to happen regardless of whether or not you are conscious or
not. So they might as well knock you out and do it for you, right? If that resonates
with you, yes, but if it sounds like you’re missing out on something or you’re getting
away with something that maybe you should experience, then heed that feeling. The
benefits of getting through it is the breakthrough. “She’s crowning! I can see the head!”
and the feeling of, oh my goodness this is almost over! And need i mention the rush of
relief (dopamine!)? Whatever pain you felt is absolutely gone the moment its over. You
just took the biggest shit of your life, and know you’re holding it in your arms. Its
slimy, its screaming, its terrified, and you finally get to meet the little alien creature
you’ve been penpals with for about 9 months now. The little thing finds your breast
easily and clamps on, sucking hard, taking a layer of skin off in the next few days,
drawing a tiny bit of blood, and getting the most nourishing food in the universe for a
newborn infant. Mother’s milk!

This is where most pregnancy books end, and are thus called pregnancy books. But this
is just another beginning! For the next three weeks or so, the newborn sleeps, nurses,
rests, looks at shadows, smiles in dreams but not while awake, and mother rests,
getting used to a polyphasic sleep schedule. This is the absolute key to happiness for a
new mother. You can ignore the baby crying at night and get him to sleep through the
night, but maybe that doesn’t resonate with you. The alternative is to take naps with
your baby and be yielding at nighttime, without resistance. This person is new to this
world, and is a little frightened, especially after that scary hormone-laden journey
down the rabbit hole.
Having a newborn can be quite anticlimactic. You spend 9 month awaiting their
arrival, imagining all the things you’ll do with a 5 year old and what you’ll tell your
teenager, but when they arrive they are completely and utterly useless! Postpartum
depression is a pretty intense label and runs the risk of sounding more unhappy than
the reality may warrant. Postpartum boredom is a less severe version of depression.
Much of boredom comes from existential insecurities. This is a good time to consider the
value that society places on motherhood and to begin noticing urges within yourself to
go back to work and feel into that urge a little bit more. Think about what the essence
of your wanting and wishing is, and make a long-term goal that inspires you while
being content in the present moment.

Newborns change rapidly, their faces are changing from moment to moment. The
changes accelerate and in the next few months they’ll go from struggling to crawl to
speeding across the floor and developing muscles extraordinarily quickly. I often think
of my son as an old guy in rehab. I respect him as i would an elder, and am really
impressed with his bodys capacity to restore itself and build itself so quickly. But you
gotta pay attention to notice it.

I’m in my closing statements now, and i have a few more little things i want to remind
myself of and share with you. Pay attention to the tone of voice the baby uses. It is so
incredibly expressive. It astounds me how often people misunderstand what he is
feeling. If they would only copy his tone like a song... and not just the melody, but
where its coming from. The nose, the throat, the chest, or the stomach. That will let you
know if he’s whining, wanting to move, frustrated, or angry. Relating becomes easier
this way.
And finally, compromise. Baby wants to play but you want to lie down (but i’ve been
trying to make him sleep because i was tired.) There is always a creative solution where
you can both get what you want.

And a second finality, if you’re angry and notice that you’re getting angry at your
baby (because when we’re angry, we tend to take it out on someone and the baby is
right there) or frustrated, act it out more and more until you’re completely
exaggerating and making fun of the feeling. That way, the feeling gets expression, and
in the end you and the baby will both be laughing. If there is grief, but you can’t cry
yet, sob pathetically on the floor. But the best thing i love doing is, in the morning,
jumping around shouting “Yes!!!” and various other congratulations. There’s always so
much to be grateful for and putting our attention towards those things makes the
gratitude grow and then you get Joy.

So, good luck. I hope this was interesting, inspiring, and informative. I hope it wasn’t
too pretentious. If you wish to read more regarding childbirth i recommend Ina May’s
‘spiritual midwifery’ and a book by Joseph Shelton Pierce called “magical child.” An
australian child psychologist named Duncan has an interesting video about the
universal language of babies. And REI childcare center has videos online about child-
directed play. But the most expert Expert is your child. Let the child speak to you. Its
not that complicated.