Gain more confidence, decisiveness and respect!

Learn powerful tools for assertiveness to help you deal with conflict at all levels in the
organization…discover techniques on how to be an assertive communicator, acquire ways to
handle receiving and giving feedback and address business etiquette when professionalism
and assertiveness are required. You’ll assess your areas of strength and growth in this
critical skill…understand how social styles affect assertive behaviors and benefit by learning
steps for conflict resolution. Overall enhance your assertiveness skills for immediate on-the-
job use!

How You Will Benefit

 Gain the essentials of assertiveness

 Practice assertive behaviors through verbal, vocal and visual techniques
 Address assertiveness issues in both your personal life and business life
 Learn the nuances of etiquette and how it relates to assertiveness and self-esteem
 Apply your newly learned skills to relevant on-the-job situations

What You Will Cover

 Differences in behavioral styles—passive, aggressive and assertive

 Identify techniques for improving self-esteem
 Improve communication with different social styles
 Risks and benefits in becoming assertive
 Factors that influence your level of assertiveness
 The role of social styles in assertive communication
 A five-step model for conflict resolution
 Appropriate assertiveness in common workplace situations

Achieving a healthy balance personally and professionally

A BILL OF ASSERTIVE RIGHTS

1. You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions,
and to take the responsibility for the initiation and consequences upon
yourself.
2. You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your
behavior.
3. You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to
other people's problems.
4. You have the right to change your mind.
5. You have the right to make mistakes-and be responsible for them.
6. You have the right to say, “I don't know.”
7. You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before
coping with them.
8. You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.
 9. You have the right to say, “I don't Understand.”
10. You have the right to say, “I don't care.”

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY NO, WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY

Taken from: When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, by Manuel Smith I. BACK TO
BASICS: Communication Styles

There are four different styles of communicating with others that are important to
understand and identify before learning assertiveness skills. The reason for this
is that being able to label what is going on in your communication with others
gives you some perspective and may help you decide what to do differently. Here
they are:

1. Passive - This type of communication is characterized by a low-energy

level. The body posture may include lowered eyelids and little or no eye
contact. The tone of voice is usually quiet and the person may seem to
lack an air of confidence. Beware of sudden explosions when this person
realizes he/she has let himself/herself be pushed too far for too long.
Normally, the passive person may respond to your questions with “I don't
know (sigh),” “I’ll do whatever you want to do,” “It doesn't matter.” You
may find yourself feeling guilty at getting your own way so often, or feeling
very burdened and responsible for all of the decisions.

2. Aggressive - This communication style is characterized by a high output

of energy. The body posture may have an overbearing quality to it. This
person may physically lean into the conversation. A loud tone of voice,
and direct, glaring eye contact may season your conversation. The
aggressive person may interrupt and often will not ask for your ideas or
opinions. You may feel timid and helpless when in a discussion with an
aggressive person. If you find yourself holding back on expressing
yourself because you don't feel safe doing so, check to see if your friend
fits the aggressive type.

3. Passive-Aggressive - This type of communication is characterized by

indirectness. The body posture may include any stance that could be
described as nice, quiet, or sly. This is a very destructive communication
style and it's often hard to identify. One indicator is sarcasm, which often
leaves you confused about which was the real message ... the funny one
or the serious comment. Sarcasm is a safe way to express anger because
it catches the other person off guard. Another indicator of passive-
aggressive communication is the mixed message. "I love your skirt, it
hides your big hips." On hearing that statement you usually end up smiling
on the outside and crying on the inside. So if you find yourself confused,
insecure or resentful, check to see if your companion fits the passive-
aggressive label.
 4. Assertive - Assertive communication is characterized by a direct,
straightforward approach to others. The body stance is strong and flexible.
It includes eye contact and a confident tone of voice. This person
expresses himself/herself, listens, and does not always get what she/he
wants. An assertive person is aware that a workable compromise or a win-
win solution will be the best result for both in the long run. Saying yes and
no, knowing what you want, and setting realistic limits are taking
responsibility. Being in the company of an assertive person may seem
threatening at first, and it can work out to be a satisfying way of
communicating. (Please note that there is a difference between
aggressive and assertive behavior!)

Now, obviously, these four styles of communicating are not all bad or all good.
For example, an aggressive person can be an asset to your work group and an
exciting person to be around. So much depends on the intent of that person and
whether or not their communication style is an appropriate fit for the situation at
hand. Now, once you have practiced and watched for these four communication
styles in your daily life, you have placed a good cornerstone for assertiveness
training.

II. HOW TO BE A SLICK MANIPULATOR

The most common alternative to assertive communication as an approach to

getting what you want is manipulation. Manipulation has a bad reputation with
communication specialists, but it is used a lot. So, let's suspend judgment for a
while and consciously learn to manipulate. The reason for learning how to
manipulate is that you can then identify when it's being done to you or when you
are doing it! Next time you want someone to do something for you use absolutes.
“You never give me anything,” or “"you should do that for me,” are stock
manipulative phrases. Or, if you don't want someone to do what they are
planning, try, "you always get to do what you want to do." This is a great show-
stopper because it puts the other person on the defensive and they get so busy
trying to prove to you that they haven't always done it that they forget about their
original intentions. So you get your way, but you also get a truckload of bad
feelings and ill will to go with it. Trying to prove yourself right and the other
person wrong is another great manipulative ploy. Now, the tricky thing about
manipulation is that it usually works to get you what you want. However, there's a
price to pay and that is that it invalidates what you get. The mother who
manipulates her adult children into spending Sunday with her usually spends the
time together worrying that they're only with her because she "forced" them to be.
Just as with the communication styles, manipulation is not all bad. Sometimes it
is benign and works quite well for both parties. Again, sensitivity to the situation
and intent will guide you as to when it can be used harmlessly.

Now a word about identifying when you are being manipulated. Often you will
feel a body sensation like a tightness or sinking feeling in your stomach. Some
people grit and grind their teeth in response to manipulation. When pushed,
people will often speak of a vague sense of anger but have a hard time justifying
why they might be angry. Next time you find yourself with these symptoms, stop
and check for manipulation.

Please take some time to practice exaggerating manipulation so you get a good
handle on it. Also, keep your eyes and ears open for the subtle and not so subtle
ways in which others manipulate. There's lots to be learned!

III. PERSISTENCE OR BROKEN RECORD

Persistence is the first assertiveness skill. We usually do not get what we want
because we give up too soon on asking for what we want. Or we can get
sidetracked into defending or justifying our position. Persistence or broken record
proposes that getting what you want is a numbers, game. If your child asks you
for a candy bar 5 times, then you can say no 6 times. The key to doing this is to
stay unemotional and repeat a stock phrase. An example of this is "I understand
and I'm not interested," or “I understand and I still want…” Having a standard
phrase protects you from getting side-tracked and helps you stay low-key while
repeating your response. It does seem awkward but using a standard phrase at
first facilitates your learning when habit and the emotional stakes are high.
Expect that the other person will resist you and try even harder when you first
start to change. If you do continue with your newly acquired persistence, then
they will soon learn that you mean what you say and that you don’t give up.
Persistence often works best in commercial situations. It is also useful in close
relationships when combined with other assertiveness skills. The foundation for
persistence is knowing what you want. The alternative to persistence is to
withdraw or to escalate the conversation into a battle of wills. Take some time to
practice persistence or “broken record.”

IV. DEALING WITH CRITICISM: FOGGING

This second assertiveness skill gives you a way to defuse criticism. Fogging is
based on agreeing with your critic like a fog bank. You will begin to look on
criticism as feedback and "only one person's opinion." You are the ultimate judge
of your own behavior. We usually respond to criticism by experiencing self-doubt,
denial, defensiveness, escalating into an argument, and counter-criticizing.
These responses create a vicious cycle and we feel nervous, angry, or guilty.
Fogging is a new tool in which you agree with your critic but you agree with the
possibility or probability that what they say is true. You aren’t saying that they are
right. You are saying" that the odds are that what they are saying could be
correct at some time or somewhere in this universe. Anything could happen
once, right? You remain calm. Fogging allows you to unhook from criticism on a
gut level and to listen. At the same time fogging allows the other person to feel
heard. By fogging you also exhaust your critic. It takes more energy than most
people have to continue criticizing someone who won't react. Stock phrases to
use in fogging are: "That could be true...," "You’re probably right...," "Sometimes I
think so myself: Remember that criticism is difficult for all of us, so get ready to
put in lots of practice to learn fogging and the other skills to deal with criticism.
Start by having someone criticize you repeatedly on some secure area of your
life such as appearance, cooking or driving. Do not pick a sensitive area of your
life, or you will be courting disaster. Practice fogging in safe areas first and move
into working with more difficult topics or people once you have over-learned your
new skills. Learning in this graduated manner teaches you that the skills do work
and that you can feel in control in the face of criticism.

V. DEALING WITH CRITICISM IN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS: NEGATIVE

INQUIRY

Negative Inquiry is an assertiveness skill to be used to deal with criticism in

intimate relationships. You do exactly the opposite of what you naturally feel like
doing in the face of criticism... you ask for more negatives! Some stock phrases
to help you do this are, "What is it about that that bothers you?" or "Tell me more
about what it is that you don't like." Once again you attempt to exhaust your critic
by pumping him/her for more negatives. This skill is great for smoking out the
real issue that is bothering this person that is in a close relationship with you. For
instance your partner may complain about your being too much of a "company
person" when the real issue is that he/she wants to spend more personal time
with you. The skill of negative inquiry can help you reach this understanding of
the problem. Then the job of the two of you is to negotiate for a workable
compromise or a win-win solution. This means that both of your needs and
limitations have been considered and that each gets as much as possible of what
they want. Here is where knowing what you want and persistence can be used in
a positive way.

So your role when using negative inquiry is to ask for more negatives and to
listen (not agree). Try to define and agree on a problem as a result of your
listening. This does not mean that you are a problem, but maybe that a behavior
of yours is coming into conflict with something that your partner needs or wants.
Practice, practice and more practice will help you learn this skill. Remember to
start out in safe situations and build from there. Fogging and negative inquiry
blend well but are better learned as separate skills at first.

VI P.S. - TWO MORE SKILLS TO DEAL WITH CRITICISM

Negative Assertion - Use negative assertion to agree with your critic when the
criticism is valid. For instance, "You’re really stupid!" Your response might be,
"That’s true, losing my plane ticket to Brazil was REALLY stupid. I aqree." This
response unhooks you from the criticism by being specific and limiting the scope
of the criticism. Agreeing also defuses the critical moment so that the situation
will net escalate. You remain in control and the ultimate judge of your own
behavior. You can allow yourself to make mistakes. Congratulations!

Disagreeing with Criticism - You have a right to disagree with criticism based
on facts. For instance, your apartment manager calls to complain that you
blasted your stereo after 11 P.M. the previous evening. Your response might be,
“I have to disagree, I was in bed asleep by 10 PM. Please double-check your
complaint and let me know what happens.”
VII. AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, SOMETHING WE CAN’T GET ENOUGH
OF…PRAISE.

People who have difficulty with criticism often have difficulty with praise. We
usually react to praise by denying it or by false praise in return. Either way it
becomes uncomfortable for both parties involved. Next time try, "Thank you."
Once you have had some practice on that, try asking for praise the next time you
do the dishes or take the garbage out.

Other times when praise is a problem are when you disagree with the praise,
when you sense that the praise may be false flattery intended to get something
from you, or when the praise is so vague that you get nervous about how or what
to repeat for a positive response. Whew! Now let's find workable responses to
each of these problems. If you disagree with the praise simply say, "I appreciate
the compliment and this report is not up to my personal standards." If you sense
the false flattery, say thank you and watch for a feeling of obligation on your part
when the praise is followed by a request. You can accept the praise and reject
the request. “Thank you for the compliment and no I don't care to lend you $50.”
Finally, if you find yourself nervous and tense after receiving vague praise, ask
for more specific praise. “What is it about that presentation that YOU liked?”
Don't worry about being accused of fishing for compliments. You are trying to get
specific feedback.

Praise is scarce and criticism is rampant in our daily interactions with ourselves
and others. Try a little "positive assertion" and see if you feel differently.
Compliment yourself on the things that you have done. Give others positive
comments about the work they have done.





Assertive expression of feelings

HAND OUT Assertion Self Analysis To test your assertiveness there are some typical situations below.
Be completely honest with yourself and write down how you would naturally react in each
situation.

1. You are in a restaurant and order a paneer tikka medium-rare, but it is served to you well-done.
You would:

a. Accept it without comment because you sometimes like it well-done anyway.

b. Angrily refuse the tikka and insist on seeing the manager to complain about the poor service.
c. Call the waiter and indicate you ordered your tikka medium-rare and would like another tikka
cooked to your requirements.

2. You are a customer waiting in queue to be served in your busy lunch hour. Suddenly, a frail old
lady steps in line ahead of you and claims that she is in a hurry.
You would:
 a. Let her stay in front of you since she is already in line and it would be rude to speak out.
b. Pull her out of line and, in a loud and angry manner make her go to the back.
c. Calmly indicate to her that you are also in a hurry and have queued, then point out where it begins.

3. After walking out of a store where you purchased some items you discover you were short-
changed by Rs3.
You would:

a. Let it go since you are already out of the store and have no proof you were short-changed. After all
it’s only Rs3.
b. Go to the manager and argue that you were cheated by the assistant, then demand the proper
change.
c. Return to the clerk and inform him/her of the error.

4. You are in a group discussion at work which includes your boss. A colleague/friend asks you a
question about your work/subject, but you don't know the answer.
You would:

a. Give your colleague a false, but plausible answer so your boss will think you are on top of things.
b. Do not answer, but attack your colleague by asking a question you know he/she could not answer.
c. Indicate to your colleague you are unsure just now, but offer to give him/her the information later.

5. You are in the middle of watching your favourite television program when your partner comes in
and asks you for a non urgent favour which could mean missing the rest of the show.
You would:

a. Do the favour as quickly as possible, then return to the program to finish watching what is left of it.
b. Say "No way, I’m not missing this. You should have asked me earlier." then finish watching your
program.
c. Ask if it can wait until the program is over and, if so, do it then.

6. A friend drops into your office to say hello and catch up on the latest office gossip, but is staying
too long, preventing you from finishing an important project. Your friend is unaware that he is
interrupting your work.
You would:

a. Let him stay because you don’t want to upset him. Then you would finish your work at home that
evening.
b. Tell the person to stop bothering you and to get out.
c. Explain your need to finish your work and request he/she visit another time.

SCORE INTERPRETATION KEY

In general, there are three broad styles of interpersonal behaviour. These are: a) Passive, b)
Aggressive, and c) Assertive. The "a" choices in the quiz are representative of the Passive style.
Thus, the more "a" choices you made, the more passive you are. The "b" choices in the quiz are
representative of the Aggressive style. Thus, the more "b" choices you made, the more
aggressive you are. The "c" choices in the quiz are representative of the Assertive style. Thus,
the more "c" choices you made, the more assertive you are.

a) The Passive style of interpersonal behavior is characterized by inaction and indecision.

People using this style tend to be easy to get along with and pleasant, but unwilling to stand up
for their rights, for fear of offending others. They are very uncomfortable expressing anger and
usually deny or suppress this feeling should it occur. As a result, resentment can easily build
under the surface producing stress and tension.

b) The Aggressive style is characterized by intrusiveness. People who use this style tend to go
after what they want, but are unconcerned about how this will effect others. Their angry,
dominating manner tends to alienate people who, in time, may seek to oppose them. Aggressive
individuals are usually suspicious of others and are often on the look out for infractions or
violations of their rights. Thus, the Aggressive style produces stress and prohibits the
development of close, trusting, and caring interpersonal relationships.

c) The Assertive style is characterized by both fairness and strength. Assertive

individuals are able to stand up for their rights, but remain sensitive to the rights of
others. People who choose this style are usually relaxed and easy going, but are honest
about their feelings. This is the best style for minimizing stress and maintaining long-
standing intimate relationships. Assertiveness is one of the essential skills in the modern
working environment. There are many benefits of being assertive such as; better time
management, increased self esteem and the ability to negotiate more effectively.
Assertion means standing up for what you want. It means expressing opposition. It means
confrontation. It takes courage. Some find it harder than others because of their natural
easy-going style and therefore more practice is required. However, the aim should not be
just to gain a win. The aim should be to solve the problem and get the best result. Look at
the "c" answers again. If you move your everyday behaviour closer to the "c" style of
response, you will likely experience an increase in feelings of self-esteem and a decrease
in feelings of stress.

Assertiveness training is a form of behavior therapy designed to help people stand up

for themselves—to empower themselves, in more contemporary terms.
Assertiveness is a response that seeks to maintain an appropriate balance between
passivity and aggression. Assertive responses promote fairness and equality in
human interactions, based on a positive sense of respect for self and others.A person
speaks in a firm tone. A person makes "I" statements. By making "I" statements, the
person is taking responsibility for his own feelings. Instead of saying "You make me
so angry," say "I am upset." It is important to label how you feel with "I" instead of
"you." This allows a person to express feelings without placing blame on the other
person. Some more examples include: "I feel upset. I am really sad. I am frustrated,
confused, and angry."The person states why she feels the way she does and how she
would like the situation to be changed. An assertive person is not going to force
another person to change. Rather, she will make a request that expresses her point
of view but realizes that she cannot control another person's behavior.People who
are assertive listen to what the other person has to say. They restate their feelings in
an assertive manner if the other person does not appear to understand their point of
view. If the person is not responding appropriately, you feel yourself not able to keep
your emotions under control, or the situation is not getting resolved, an assertive
person politely excuses himself from the situation.The person feels better and the
relationship stays intact because she considered the other persons' feelings.

Passive expression of feelings

The person speaks in a quiet voice or does not speak at all.A passive person makes
indirect comments in hopes that the other person gets the hint about how he is
feeling. For example, your boss tells you to work overtime when you have to go to
your child's teacher conference and you say OK. As the boss is leaving, you say
something in a quiet tone of voice such as "I sure hope my child does not get in
trouble because I can't make it to his conference." This person did not express his
feelings about the situation or explain why he felt the way he did. The employee is
hoping the boss might get the message with the passive statement.the person
bottles up feelings. He does not express feelings at all.The person does not confront
a person directly because she does not like conflict. She says things behind the
person's back. She expresses her feelings but nothing gets resolved because she
does not confront the person.You try to express your feelings, but the other person
is aggressive and does not validate your feelings. You get uncomfortable, so you
apologize and take back what you said to avoid a conflict. Wishy-washy!The person
does not feel better because nothing is resolved, and the other person has no idea
that anything is wrong. Thus, the other person may coninue to engage in a behavior
that is highly aggravating for the passive person.

Aggressive expression of feelings

A person yells or screams to get his point across. The person uses abusive,
disrespectful language when addressing the other person.The person does not let the
other person talk. She dominates the conversation.In extreme cases the person
becomes physically threatening or abusive.The person bottles up feelings until he
explodes. This is known as Passive-Aggressive behavior.The person does hurtful
things to make herself feel better rather than express her feelings assertively.The
person feels better in the short run because she has "let the other person have it."
But, the other person is hurt, the relationship is damaged, and the aggressive person
probably does not have an overall good feeling about the way she has handled the
situation.

Assertive training ROLE-PLAY

A common situation that gets people upset is when a boss gives unrealistic or
confusing instructions. Students should keep in mind that this can be resolved, but
they have to stay calm while addressing the boss with a legitimate concern. The
following is a description of how to set up the role-play. 1. A common situation that
gets people upset is when a boss gives unrealistic or confusing instructions. Students
should keep in mind that this can be resolved, but they have to stay calm while
addressing the boss with a legitimate concern. The following is a description of how
to set up the role-play. 2. When people make mistakes on the job, they can get
chewed out by the boss. This does not mean the boss should be abusive or humiliate
them in front of co-workers. Although it is not right for a boss to be abusive to an
employee, it does happen. Students should keep in mind that this can be resolved,
but they have to stay calm while addressing the boss with a legitimate concern. The
following is a description of how to set up the role-play. 3. There are going to be
times when students think they are not being treated the same as other workers.
Depending on how long they have worked at a job and how the boss goes about
training employees, there may be times when it looks like they may be getting
treated unfairly. Students should keep in mind that they can address their boss with
their concerns, but they have to stay calm while addressing the boss with a
legitimate concern. The following is a description of how to set up the role-play. 4.
People are not going to get along with everyone they work with. It is important that
they try to resolve these conflicts so they can work more effectively. If they bottle it
up inside or blow up at the co-worker, it reflects badly on them. The following is a
description of how to set up the role-play.

Assertive communication It isn't just the content of what you say that counts, it is
the way you put it across. It helps to:be honest with yourself about your own
feelings keep calm and stick to the point be clear, specific and direct if you meet
objections, keep repeating your message whilst also listening to the other's point
of view. Try to offer alternative solutions ,if you can ask, if you are unsure about
something ,if the other person tries to create a diversion, point this out calmly
and repeat your message, use appropriate body language ,always respect the
rights and point of view of the other person

How to give praise and criticism

1. Comment on specific actions. For example, 'You handled that awkward customer very
well by listening to her argument instead of interrupting’ rather than, 'You're quite
good with difficult people, aren't you?’ The second comment was too general, it didn’t
give the other person specific feedback about what she/he did well. Another example
is 'You missed the deadline for that report', rather than, 'You're absolutely hopeless at
managing your time.’ Again the second statement is too general and subjective.
‘Absolutely hopeless’ is not a good starting point for developing specific time
management behaviours.
2. Follow this up with reasons for your comments. This is helpful whether the comments
are positive or negative because we need to know what we are being praised for if we
are to know how to use it as helpful feedback: 'You missed the deadline for that
report, probably because you have been spending more time on telephone sales than
we planned. Perhaps we should discuss how you should allocate your time in future?'
3. Don't use praise as a way of manipulating people into doing something for you, e. g.
'You are the most hardworking member of the department and I really appreciate the
effort you put in for the meeting this afternoon. Perhaps you could just write up the
minutes for me?' This manipulation makes the praise insincere.
4. When giving criticism, seek solutions, rather than commenting on somebody's
personality. 'You're getting far too many complaints from members of the public
recently. What the heck's the matter with you?' is very unhelpful. Instead say: 'You
seem to be getting complaints from members of the public in your section at the
moment. Do you know what the problem is?'
5. Above all, avoid public put-downs, or criticism in situations which will cause
embarrassment.
 Set up 1
The scene is a worksite. One
person will play the boss and
the other person will play the
employee. The boss is going to
tell the person to do a job (i.e.,
mop). The employee goes to
mop. The boss should then
come back and tell the worker
to go do another job (i.e., wash
the windows) in a tone of
voice that suggests he is
annoyed with the worker
Assertive statement 1
"Boss, I am confused by
your instructions. I thought
you wanted me to this other
job first. Which job would
you like me to do first?"
. For example, "When you
are two hours late getting
home from work, I feel both
anxious and angry," is a less
accusing communication
than "You are a selfish and
inconsiderate jerk for not
telling me you would be
two hours late."
Sample dialog set up 1
Worker: "Hey Boss."
Boss: "Hey Minal, go mop in
department 5."
Worker: "Sure thing Boss."
A few minutes later boss
approaches Minal mopping in
department 5.
Boss: "Minal, how come you're
not cleaning the windows in the
entry-way?"
Worker: "I thought you wanted
me to mop."Boss: "I don't care
Set up 2
The scene is a worksite.
One person will play the
boss and the other person
will play the employee. The
employee is going to make
a mistake (i.e., drop a box).
The boss is going to come
over and yell at the person.
The other students in the
class can serve as the other
co-workers.
Assertive statement 2
"Boss, can I talk to you for a "Boss, I am getting upset
minute? I understand I made a when I have to do that same
mistake this morning, but I
really got upset when you
yelled at me. I would
appreciate it if you would call assigning that job to me?
me into your office next time I
do something wrong and talk
to me about my mistake."
Assertive Statement 4
"I am angry about what you
have been saying. I do not
want you spreading rumors
about me. The boss is not
firing me, and if you want
to know what is going on,
come talk to me."
Self-Instruction/ set up 1
"OK, easy does it."
"Be calm."
"Relax."
"She has changed her
mind."
"She forgot about the first
job."
"Talk to her and find out
what she wants.""Don't
worry about making her
Set up3
The scene is a worksite.
One person will play the
boss and the other person
will play the employee. The
boss is going to ask the
worker to clean the
bathroom for the tenth day
in a row
Assertive statement 3
job. It seems like I am the
only one who does it. Can
you tell me why you keep
What can I do to get other
jobs assigned to me?"
Self-Instruction/ up 3
"Be calm."
"Talk to my boss after I relax."
"Take a few deep breaths."
"There must be reason why he
keeps asking me to do it. I'll ask
him."
"Don't yell. If this is what my job
is, I have to accept it."
"If I don't like my job, I can quit,
but I have to do it the right way."
Self-Instruction/talk
example set up 2
"Chill."
"Relax."
"I did make a mistake."
"The boss didn't have to yell
at me, but it won't help to
yell back."
"Fix the problem and talk to
him later about the yelling."
what you think, just clean the
windows!"
criticizing to a close
colleague
you get a call asking for
information you don't have
immediately to hand
look bad, she will be glad
that you were able to
address both jobs."
Asking help from a
notoriously ‘difficult’
colleague.
having to refuse to accept
additional work

Sample dialog set up 4 Set up 2 Worker drops a box.

Anita and Mona are talking at lunch.
Anita: "Did you have a good weekend?"
Mona: "Yeah, how about you?"
Anita: "It was pretty good except my
neighbor kept dropping in
unannounced."
Mona e: "Did you hear about George?"
Anita: "No."
Mona: "He has been coming in to work
late a lot and I think the boss is going to
fire him."
While Mona is saying this, Anita is
putting her finger to her mouth to shush
her while George walks up from behind
Self-instruction/talk examples set up 4
"Relax."
"Stay calm."
"Don't talk to this person until I calm down."
"Don't worry about what he said, it's not
true."
"I'll be the better person and talk to her face-
to-face."
1. When you.…………." (state facts)
2. "I feel uncomfortable …..….." (state
feelings)
3. "I would like……….(state
requirements)………….in this way we
will be able to work together more
productively because…………….."
Worker: "Oh shoot, I really did it this
time."
Boss: "kavita, what the heck are you doing
over there?"
Worker: "I am so sorry. I accidentally
dropped this TV."
Boss: "You are so clumsy, my 95-year-old
grandma could do a better job moving
these boxes than you. I am going to have
to write you up for this. Why can't you be
like rahul?"
Set up 4
The scene is a worksite at lunch-time.
Three people will play workers. Two
workers will be sitting down eating their
lunch and talking about their weekend.
One of the employees will ask the other
if .She heard some gossip about the third
employee. As this employee is talking, the
third employee walks up to their table and
overhears the conversation
• How can I express my message
more clearly?
• How can I be more specific about
what I have to say?
• Am I likely to have to repeat my
message? Will I feel comfortable
doing this?
• Am I prepared to respond to
their red herrings, and at the
 (benefits to the other party) same time stick to my message?
• What body language will I use to
back up my message?

Assertiveness
What is assertiveness? What is the difference between being assertive and being
aggressive? Will people think that I'm being pushy? These are common questions and
concerns. Here are some pointers to help clarify what assertiveness is really all about.

Assertiveness is...
Assertiveness is expressing our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a direct, honest, and
appropriate way. It means that we have respect both for ourself and for others. We are
consciously working toward a "win-win" solution to problems. A win-win solution means
that we are trying to make sure that both parties end up with their needs met to the degree
possible. An assertive person effectively influences, listens, and negotiates so that others
choose to cooperate willingly.

Assertiveness is not...
Assertiveness is very different from aggressiveness. Aggressiveness involves expressing
our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a way that is inappropriate and violates the rights of
others. It can be either active or passive, but no matter which, it communicates an
impression of disrespect. By being aggressive, we put our wants, needs, and rights above
those of others. We attempt to get our way by not allowing others a choice. Where
assertiveness tried to find a win-win solution, aggressiveness strives for a win-lose
solution: I'll be the winner; you'll be the loser.

Assertiveness is also different from nonassertiveness. Nonassertive behavior is passive

and indirect. It permits others to violate our rights and shows a lack of respect for our
own needs. It communicates a message of inferiority. It creates a lose-win situation
because the nonassertive person has decided that his or her own needs are secondary and
opts to be a victim.

USE "I" MESSAGES

An "I" message is a good way to let people know what you are thinking. It is made up of
three parts.

Behavior -- what it is, exactly, that the other person has done or is doing
Effect -- what is happening because of their behavior
Feelings -- what effect does their behavior have on your feelings?
By using this kind of message, you are giving another person complete information,
leaving no room for second guessing or doubt.
An example: "When you come late to the meeting (behavior) I feel angry (feelings)
because we have to repeat information the rest of us heard (effect)."

This is much more productive and assertive than simply ignoring the problem or just
expressing your anger or frustration.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHOOSE ASSERTIVE WORDS CAREFULLY

Use factual descriptions instead of judgments

Compare the following:

"This is sloppy work." (Aggressive)
"The pages in this report are out of order." (Assertive)

Avoid exaggerations

Compare the following:

"You never are on time!" (Aggressive)
"You were 15 minutes late today. That's the third time this week." (Assertive)

Use "I" not "You"

Compare the following:

"You always interrupt my stories!" (Aggressive)
"I would like to tell my story without being interrupted."(Assertive)

Express thoughts, feelings, and opinions reflecting ownership

Compare the following:

"He makes me angry." (Denies ownership of feelings)
"I get angry when he breaks his promises." (Assertive and owns feelings)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHECK-UP
The following questions will help you to assess your assertiveness;

When you differ with someone you respect, are you able to speak up and share your own
viewpoint?
Are you able to refuse unreasonable requests made by friends or co-workers?
Do you readily accept positive criticism and suggestion?
Do you ask for assistance when you need it?
Do you usually have confidence in your own judgment?
If someone else has a better solution, do you accept it easily?
Do you express your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a direct and honest way?
Do you try to work for a solution that, to the degree possible, benefits all parties?
A "yes" response indicates an assertive approach. For a more complete Assertiveness
Inventory, contact Organizational Development and Training at 627-3268.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ACTION PLAN
Here are some communication techniques that can help you convey a positive assertive
attitude:

Use suitable facial expressions, always maintaining goodeye contact.

Keep your voice firm but pleasant.
Pay careful attention to your posture and gestures.
Listen...and let people know you have heard what they said.
Ask questions for clarification.
Look for a win-win approach to problem solving.