Dear Robert

Janet Walsh

Rachel is an innocent, immature nineteen--year old girl, with a

sheltered all-girls school education. Her parents are very strict. She is a
lonely, only child, who has never been instilled with confidence, has
become neurotic, and is more sexually liberal than her parents know.
She was made to feel undesirable, by her mother’s scathing remark on
her sixteenth birthday, commenting that no boy had ever kissed her.
Rachel compensates by kissing boys she hardly knows passionately,
leading her into situations she finds difficult to handle. She loses her
virginity, at eighteen, to please her first and only boyfriend Robert.
After three and a half years with Robert, Rachel thinks she must have
a break from him. She thinks she no longer loves him. Robert has
become possessive and jealous. In truth, his possessiveness is an
attempt to protect her from her naivety about other men’s real
agendas. Rachel is going alone to Germany, to work for two months
over the summer. Rachel is hoping to meet men without Robert’s
knowledge. Rachel tells Robert not to expect her to behave like a nun,
when he asks her to be faithful in Germany. On her first evening in
Germany, only hours after her arrival, Rachel meets a boy, Ericht. She
was setup to meet Ericht by his ex-fiancé. In the early hours of the
morning when he kisses her, she feels happier than at any other time
in her life, not recognising it is just an infatuation. Rachel was setup
once before, where she met a boy called Tom, who flattered her, but
only wanted to sleep with her. Is Ericht another Tom? With Tom,
Robert had made her chose, knowing what Tom was after, but Robert
will know nothing about Ericht, until Rachel decides to tell him. Will
Ericht be the only man in her life in Germany?
 Chapter 1 First Time I Travel Abroad Alone

I was relieved when I stepped off the train at Puttgarten and

saw a stout man I assumed to be Herr Blum, my employer.

“You must be Rachel?” he asked in German.

“Yes I am Rachel. I have been very anxious about making this

trip on my own. It is relief to see you” I replied in the best
German I could put together.

I had flown from Edinburgh to Heathrow, and then caught a

flight from Heathrow to Hamburg. In Hamburg, I had found the
train station and then caught this train to Puttgarten. Actually, I
was lucky to have two kind people help. On the first flight, I
started to talk to this Scottish man sitting next to me on the
plane.

“Hi I am Rachel. I am travelling to Germany and I have never

travelled on my own before.”

He looked round at me for the first time properly. Men seem to

find me very attractive and I think his smile showed his approval
of my appearance. My own opinion is that I have good legs so I
wore very short skirts, but my face is too long as is my chin as
my mother would often remind me. I hated my unruly hair and
my breasts were small while my bum was too big. My mother
had a larger bust, and she would comment negatively on my
small bust, but I inherited my bum and hair from her. Who
needed a mother like that? No wonder I had no confidence.

“It is nice to meet you Rachel. People call me Scotty; my real

name is Bartholomew, which is quite a mouthful. I lived in
England for a while so that is why I ended up with the nickname
Scotty. Even my wife calls me Scotty but she is English, as are
you if I am not mistaken?”

“Yes I am English and proud of it!”

I replied. Scotty asked me

“What takes you to Germany, Rachel?”

Scotty seemed very friendly so I offered him two answers.

“Well the official reason is to get some German language

experience for my University course. I will be working as a
waitress for two months near Heiligenhafen, a holiday resort on
the Baltic Sea. Unofficially I want a break from my suffocating
boyfriend, my parents, and my University course that is not
going well. I want to have some freedom and fun to make
friends and do my own thing for a change.”

Scotty chipped in

“Oh it is like that is it? Do friends include boyfriends maybe? An

attractive girl like you should have no trouble there. Does your
current boyfriend know of these plans?”

I continued

“I do not think he cares about me anymore. I need a good long

break from him and the chance to meet other men. There is no
way I can do this with him around me. He is too smart and
knows immediately if I try to see someone even secretly. No, I
have not been open about my plans. I did tell him that he
should not expect me to behave like a nun.”

Scotty asked
“What do you intend to do when you return?”

I replied

“Well I know he will not see anyone while I am away, he is too

lazy. I intend to see how I feel about him when I get back and
see whether he writes to me or even misses me. If he has not
changed, I will probably breakup with him. I do not love him
anymore. However, we have had some wonderful times
together and he is a decent boy, good looking too. Anyway I do
not want to think about him now.”

Scotty apologised for asking. He said

“I am in no rush when I get to Heathrow. I know it quite well so I

will help you find your flight to Germany. Heathrow can be a bit
daunting with its three terminals especially on your first visit.”

I asked him

“Are you sure, I do not want to be a problem for you. It would

ease my mind and I could relax and enjoy the flight.”

Scotty said emphatically

“You are certainly not a problem indeed it will be a pleasure.”

With that, I relaxed and we sat in silence for much of the rest of
the flight. When we were circling London, I was admiring the
wonderful views of the city of London steeped in sunshine when
Scotty asked me for details of my flight.

“Flights for Hamburg will leave from Terminal two. We will

arrive at Terminal one. It is an easy walk from one to the other. I
will take you. I can get a taxi into London from either Terminal.
You have plenty time. No need to panic.”
In fact, I was not panicking; I had every faith in Scotty. When we
left the aeroplane, we walked to the baggage-reclaim. Scotty
asked me to point out my baggage when I saw it and he went
into the rummage to extract my baggage. He seemed to be
enjoying being the Knight in shining armour looking after a
young maiden in distress. When we had found his baggage and
mine, he fetched a trolley. He loaded the bags on the trolley
and he guided me to the tunnels that ran between the
terminals. He was the perfect gentleman pushing the trolley.

When we arrived at Terminal two, he found the correct check-in

desk and waited in the queue with me. He lifted my baggage
when it was my turn and then took me to passport control.

“Well this is where I have to leave you Rachel. When you are in
the departures lounge keep an eye out for your flight number
on the flight boards and when you asked to proceed to your
gate follow the signs and do not worry”

Scotty added the last bit of his sentence as he saw the anxiety
return to my face. He kissed me on the cheek and I gave him a
bit of a hug by way of thank you. He started to move off, he
looked back, and I shouted

“Thank you.”

I nervously approached passport control and my hands were

visibly shaking when I handed over my passport and boarding
pass. The previous day I had cried all day. Mostly I was just
scared about travelling alone, not because of safety, because I
doubted my ability to navigate all the hurdles I had to face. I
was not confident in airports and train stations always
imagining I would not get on the correct train or even aeroplane
or I would miss departures. My second reason for crying was
that although I had not told my boyfriend, Robert, or anyone
else, this trip to Germany could be the end of my relationship
with him. Breakups or possible breakups are never easy and his
was giving me mixed emotions. Sometimes I felt sentimental
about Robert but I still did not love him and sometimes I was
angry with him. I had found it very difficult to speak to him on
the telephone last night and I had asked him not to see me off
at the airport. It would have been too painful.

I was quite fed up with him. Sometimes, he could be rude,

moody, or give me the silent treatment, and recently he would
make me look like a fool at times. He occasionally criticised my
appearance, he tried to control me at times, and he would not
let me see other men without an inquisition. I had been a bit
depressed for about six months and this did not help. Yet he
could be charming, great fun, had a wonderful sense of humour,
and we had great sex. He was intelligent and good-looking, but
very jealous. We had a wonderful time when we first met. We
had been going out for three years and six months. He was my
first boyfriend and I was his first girlfriend. We had probably
been in love for the three years but we had both fallen out of
love for the last six months. It was during these last six months
that I started to find him unbearable. Breaking up is not easy
and I had not been able to go through with a breakup. After
watching an Omnibus edition called “A girl like you” on the BBC
One channel on television, I made solemn vow. The program
had followed the life of three girls my age, one from Britain, one
from Holland, and one from the USA. The three girls talked
about their relationships. What struck me was how they took
control of their lives and relationships, unlike me. My
relationship was controlling me. One girl had taken a break from
her relationship with her boyfriend, to see what it felt like to
have freedom again. I decided going to Germany was to be my
relationship break.

With my mild depression, my relationship problems, and my

general feeling that I might not end up in Puttgarten as
intended, my shaky hands at passport control came as no
surprise. I dropped my passport just after it was handed back to
me causing a bit of a blockage as I fumbled to pick it up and put
it safely away. Going through security was much easier and my
anxiety subsided a little. Once in the departure lounge I found a
seat with a departures board in easy view. My anxiety returned;
I was now worrying about finding the gate. I found my flight
number. The instructions were to wait in lounge. Time seemed
to drag as I stared anxiously at departures board. Eventually
board instructed me to proceed to the gate. I checked my
boarding pass and confirmed the gate number.

Following the signs I seemed to walk for a very long way before I
eventually reached the departure gate. Although there was a
sign confirming my flight number I showed my boarding pass at
the desk and asked

“Am I in the right place for my flight to Hamburg?”

I handed over my boarding pass and the lady confirmed I was in

exactly the right place. Eventually I boarded. This time I was
seated next to a middle-aged lady, who introduced herself but I
did not catch her name. She was obviously German. I said in
German

“My name is Rachel. I am going to Neukirchen near

Heiligenhafen to work as a waitress for two months. Do you live
in Hamburg?”
The lady replied

“No I now live in Mansfield in England, I am just visiting

relatives.”

I did not feel like giving her any more information about my
reasons for my visit as I did with Scotty. Instead, I asked in
English

“I have to catch a train in Hamburg to Puttgarten. I have never

travelled abroad on my own before so I am very nervous. Can
you tell me how to get to the station from the airport?”

The lady looked at me and probably saw the anxiety on my face.

Then she smiled and said

“I can do better than that I will escort you to the station myself.
I insist and will not take no for an answer. Now just sit back and
enjoy the flight.”

I smiled in response, said thank you, and tried to enjoy the

flight. I actually love flying, particularly taking off. I was looking
out the window and all I saw were dark clouds. It was probably
raining below. I decided that I liked the windows on the British
Airways flight to London better than the smaller squarer
windows on the Lufthansa flight to Hamburg.

When we arrived at Hamburg, the lady I had met expertly

guided me through baggage reclaim and then passport control.
She showed me where I had to go to hand over my passport and
get my work permit stamped. As I emerged, she asked

“Was everything all right with your work permit?”

“Yes”
I replied in German. She then led me through the station to the
bus terminal. A bus went from the airport to Hamburg rail
station directly. We both queued for this bus and one came
along in a few minutes. On the bus, the lady pointed out
interesting places and told me a little about Hamburg. When we
arrived at the rail station, the lady asked to see my tickets and
directed me to the correct platform. I thanked her and she said

“I hope you enjoy your two months in Germany.”

I replied

“Do not worry I intend to.”

With that, we parted company and I boarded my train. I found

an empty compartment and sat down with some relief after
stowing my baggage. I thought I had been very lucky so far and
without the help I from Scotty and the German lady I wondered
if I could have succeeded alone. I was waiting for the train to
leave when two men passed by. They were probably about 26
or 27 years old. They looked in my carriage at me and smiled at
me then said something to each other and asked in German

“May we join you?”

I replied in the affirmative in German. It was obvious they

thought I was good looking and they soon began to chat to me
one said in German

“You are not German are you?”

I told them I was English in German and the other man said in
American English
“We are not German either, we are from the USA. Those are a
nice pair of legs in fact you are a very good-looking girl. Are you
visiting a German boyfriend?”

“No I replied. I am here to work as a waitress for two months

and I want to meet German men.”

“Well you will have no problem meeting German men with your
looks. You will be fighting them off.”

I was flattered. Just at this point, the conductor entered the

compartment and asked to see our tickets. When he looked at
my ticket, he said in German

“This is a First class compartment and you do not have a First

class ticket you will have to move to the rear of the train”

I picked up my baggage, said goodbye to the two American men

and eventually found a seat in one of the other carriages. I did
not sit next to anyone and felt embarrassed at my mistake. The
one thing I had done on my own and I made a mistake. Typical, I
thought.

Once I met Herr Blum at Puttgarten, he took my baggage and I

followed him to his car. He then drove me to Neukirchen and to
his restaurant. I was impressed how modern and attractive the
German towns were. He parked his car and took my baggage
and me to his living quarters above the restaurant. There he
introduced me to Frau Blum his wife and his daughter Karen
who was eighteen years old. Frau Blum said I must be famished
and the cook would fix me some food continuing

“Karen, show Rachel to her room, your father will bring up her
luggage, then take her to the kitchen for some food.”
Karen said

“Follow me. Are you tired after your trip?”

I was a little tired but I said

“No I am not tired but why do you ask?”

Karen continued

“Are you interested in meeting boys over here or do you have a

boyfriend? There is a fair in Heiligenhafen and some boys I
know will possibly be there? Would you like to go with me?”

“I would love to”

I replied. I possibly felt too tired but with my journey over I was
now feeling extremely excited about being in Germany. The sun
was shining here, it was warm, and I was not too far from the
sea. My only concern was how I would cope with my job. All my
problems from home receded into the back of my mind, so
although tired I was energised. My depression seemed to have
lifted and I was not going to miss an opportunity to meet
Karen’s friends since I did not know how I would feel after a full
days’ work, probably more tired than now.

After I had some food, I felt even better. I had an hour to relax
then another hour to freshen up, change my clothes, and put on
my makeup for my first evening out. When Karen knocked on
my door, I had been ready for some ten minutes and I was very
eager to get going.
 Chapter 2 My First Night

We took a bus to Heiligenhafen and were soon at the fair. The

fair was busy with people enjoying themselves. We wandered
around and came to a stand that was selling German beer.

“There they are.”

Karen said. She pointed to two boys standing drinking beer. We

went over to them. One boy had dark hair, my preference, while
the other was blond. Karen introduced me to them. The dark
haired boy was called Ericht and he was actually Karen’s ex-
fiancé. I did not catch the name of the blond boy. Ericht was
thin and not particularly good looking but I thought he had a
kind face. Ericht and his friend had obviously had a couple of
beers already, as they were quite jovial. Ericht asked

“Can I get you a beer Rachel and I know you would like one
Karen?”

Ericht had a deep German voice that I found quite sexy.

“Yes I would like a beer thank you.”

I replied. Ericht bought four more beers. I drank some of mine

and said

“This beer is very nice, I really like it. It is much better than
Scottish lager, which I call is tasteless piss.”

I said and everyone laughed. Ericht asked

“You must have a boyfriend back home, since you are very
attractive.”

I was flattered and I replied

“Well yes and no. There is a boy, Robert, whom I have known
for some time but I do not think I love him anymore and I do not
think he cares about me anymore.”

Ericht suggested

“You might see things differently after you have had a long
break from him and you return.”

I said

“I think it is unlikely unless he changes quite a lot. I do not want

to think about him and my other problems back home.”

Ericht asked

“What are your other problems?”

“Well I am fed up with my parents who treat me like a child and

my University work is not going well. I have failed two out of
three examinations this year. Nothing is going very well at
home, so I am very excited to be here away from home on my
own. The only worry I have here is coping with my job.”

I replied. Ericht said

“Well we will have to ensure you have fun here as well as work.
If you have any problems here, just come and see me. Here I
will write down my address. I live in Oldenburg. You can get a
bus from the bus station in Heiligenhafen where you were
tonight with Karen. I will draw a map of how to get to my
parents’ apartment where I live and this is the best place to get
off the bus.”

As he was speaking, he was writing down his address and

drawing the map, marking the bus stop and his parents’
apartment on a napkin. He handed the napkin to me and I put it
safely in my handbag. I thought he was being very kind and I
found him easy to talk to and it was a long time since I had been
talked to kindly and listened to uncritically by a boy. I had drunk
most of my beer and was feeling its effects. Ericht was
beginning to interest me despite his looks and I felt he was
interested in me.

Ericht noticed that everyone had almost finished their beer and
said

“Well I am celebrating my twentieth birthday and I want some

fun and dear Rachel here has had a rough time and she needs
fun so let us have some fun.”

I thought he is nearly the same age as me, how nice. Everyone

finished his or her beers and off we went. Ericht asked me

“Do you like the dodgems Rachel?”

I told a white lie

“Yes I love them.”

We went to the dodgems; Ericht and I were in one car and

Karen and the blond boy were in another. Ericht put his left arm
round my shoulder and drove with only one hand. I was
touched and it was actually great fun. We were bumped around
by many cars but Karen was driving the other car and there
seemed to be particular rivalry between Ericht and Karen. After
Karen had bashed into us quite strongly Ericht asked

“Are you hurt? I think I am going to have to teach that girl a

lesson. Are you up for it?”
I replied

“I am fine. I am really enjoying this.”

Then we both roared with laughter and Ericht proceeded to

seek out Karen now driving with both hands. He had much more
control and soon he won the battle with Karen and every time
Ericht bashed her car, he and I were laughing loudly. It was a
long time since I had laughed like this. The cars came to a
sudden halt. Ericht went up to pay for another session for us all.
He returned and said

“Now it is your turn to drive Rachel.”

Normally, I might have opted out but I knew Ericht would not be
critical of my efforts and I fancied giving it a go.

“You know I will probably make a fool of myself.”

I said. Ericht kindly replied

“That does not matter. You will do fine. Just have fun even if
you make mistakes.”

The cars started to move and I put my foot on the pedal and
drove straight into the edge of rink. Ericht burst out laughing
and it was infectious so I burst out laughing too. Ericht said

“You have to turn the steering wheel too. Put your foot on the
pedal and turn the steering wheel all the way round. Here let
me show you.”

Ericht put his hand on the steering wheel and turned the car
around. He left his hand on the steering wheel for a while
helping me steer. We bashed Karen and we all laughed. Ericht
asked
“Do you feel you can take over now? I am going to remove my
hand.”

He removed his hand and I steered a wavy course but avoided

edge of the rink. I was being bashed left, right and centre by
everyone and then I grit my teeth and started to bash them
back. I said

“I am enjoying this now. I will show them.”

Ericht remarked

“You are doing well. I can see that when you decide to do
something you become very determined.”

I replied

“Yes I am determined to have my freedom this summer while I

am here, meet new people, like you and have fun.”

When the cars stopped, we all moved on. As we walked through

the fair music was playing and the sea air was warm, the
coloured lights gave the place a magical feel. For once, I was
happy. Ericht and I talked on and off as we wandered. The
silences were not awkward because there was so much to see. I
learned that he did shift work in a bakery: it was hard work, long
hours, and not very well paid. He lived with his parents, his
grandmother, and his younger brother. I told him I was an only
child but I would have liked an older brother. We then came to
a ‘test your strength’ stall. You had to use a use a hammer to
raise a weight up a pole by striking a plate once with the
hammer. Ericht suggested

“Let us all have a go. I will start.”

I was not sure but I told myself to be less reserved and just
muck in. Ericht had his shot. He looked disappointed. I was not
sure if his score was good or not. His friend was next. He scored
higher than Ericht but everyone was surprised when Karen beat
both boys. I said

“Please do not laugh I do not have strong arms. I am not sure I

can even lift the hammer.”

I gave it my best and I surprised myself. I was the lowest of all

but not far behind Ericht. We continued to wander. I was
unaware of the time or that Ericht and I were now alone. Karen
and the other boy had quietly slipped away. I was getting to like
Ericht very much. His deep sexy voice was arousing emotions I
had not had for some time, emotions that I had been missing. I
was even more excited than I had been earlier. We came to a
beer tent. Ericht asked

“Would you like another beer Rachel?”

“Yes that would be lovely.”

Only now did I realise that the others had gone. Ericht brought
the beers and we sat down at a table facing each other. Nothing
was said and he was staring into my eyes. I stared into his. He
had blue eyes like me, kind eyes. As he stared, his pupils dilated
and I wondered if mine did. I wondered why this happened. We
seemed to stare for several minutes. Then Ericht said

“You have beautiful eyes Rachel. In fact, you are a very beautiful
girl. You have a very nice character and you are great fun. You
are much too good for me.”

I did not know what to say. I was extremely flattered. Then I

replied
“You do yourself down. I have had great fun with you tonight
and I think you are very kind. I have bad points too. I am not
very confident, I am neurotic, I dither, and I do not catch on fast
at times. I worry too much and I am a bit of an introvert. You
have other qualities.”

We were silent again for a while. I could feel the second beer
affecting my brain. I felt like giving Ericht a big kiss and a hug
but even the beer did not provide me with that much courage.
My brain was beginning to fantasise about what might happen
between Ericht and me. I told myself to stop this but I could not.
When we finished our beer, Ericht said

“Let us take a walk along the beach.”

He led the way and I followed. When we got to the beach he

took my hand and we walked had in hand along the beach for a
long way then back again. There seemed no need for words and
I listened to the waves lapping on the shore. It felt so romantic I
never wanted this to end. Then Ericht stopped and took my
head in his hands and kissed me. My fantasies are coming true I
thought, but before I let my emotions loose, I wanted him to tell
me that he loved me. I waited in vain and the words I wanted to
hear were never said. After the kiss Ericht said

“It is very late and I had better take you back to Herr Blum’s
restaurant. Do you know it is past one in the morning? If we
hurry, we might catch the last buses. They run them up until
two in the morning when the fair is in town. You have a key I
hope?”

I replied
“Yes they gave me a key. I did not realise how late it was I have
to get up for work tomorrow.”

Ericht saw me onto the correct bus and I suddenly felt very tired
but I would remember that romantic walk on the beach for the
rest of my life. I asked the driver to let me off near Herr Blum’s
restaurant. He dropped me directly opposite. As quietly as I
could I unlocked the door and crept in quietly. Then I locked up
again and crept up to my room. I took off my makeup and
undressed. It was too warm to wear anything so I went to bed
naked. I fell sound asleep.
 Chapter 3 Was It Love At First Sight?

When I awoke next morning, I looked at my alarm clock. It was

after eleven in the morning. I had set my alarm for eight and
had slept right through it. I rushed to get up and ran downstairs.
I almost knocked Herr Blum over if that were possible. I said

“I am sorry Herr Blum I slept through my alarm. I am very late

for my first day.”

He kindly said,

“Do not worry Rachel. You had a long journey yesterday. Take
the day off to rest. Cook will give you coffee and brunch.”

I thanked him and went to the kitchen for coffee and something
to eat. Then I rushed up to my room, changed my clothes, put
on my makeup, and copied the address and map Ericht had
drawn on the napkin onto a more substantial sheet of paper.
Then I was out the door to catch the first bus to Heiligenhafen
and from there the bus to Oldenburg. I was very excited and
hoped Ericht would be at home. I asked the driver to point out
the bus stop to me showing him the copy of the map. When we
got there, the bus stopped and I thanked him. It took me some
time to orient myself since I am hopeless with maps but I
eventually found the street Ericht had named on the map. I
followed the street hoping I was going in the right direction
looking out for the next street I had to find. The copy of the map
I had drawn was certainly not to scale and I seemed to walk a
long way. Eventually I found the second street that was much
shorter and then the third. Soon after, I was on the street where
Ericht lived. Then I found the apartment block. There were
many identical blocks of flats on the same street.

I went up the steps and read the name on the door. This was
the correct flat. My heart was pumping fast from the exertion of
walking and my excitement. I rang the bell nervously, and Ericht
came to the door. He exclaimed

“Rachel, I did not expect to see you today. I thought you were
working?”

I explained

“I slept late and Herr Blum gave me the day off. Are you not
pleased to see me?”

Ericht took a moment to answer

“Yes I am pleased to see you, but you have surprised me, I did
not think I would be the first person you came to see on a day
off. I thought you would only want to see me if you had
problems. That is why I gave you my address. I am happy to see
you now although I have arranged to go for beers with some
friends in Heiligenhafen. Do you mind coming with me so I can
tell them to go on without me.”

I was concerned

“I do not want to mess up your plans, please tell me if I am. Of

course I will come with you.”

Ericht said

“It is no problem. I can meet them anytime but I am very happy

to go out with you since otherwise you will be alone. You will
not want to stay with my friends; they want to get drunk and
you do not want to be with them when they are drunk. I was a
bit drunk last night it being my birthday and all. I hope I said or
did not offend you?”

I quickly said

“No you were wonderful. I had a great evening, the best I have
had for ages and you were the one who made it so special for
me.”

He said

“Let me get my jacket and go or I will miss them.”

He dashed inside and came out with his jacket. He wore the one
from last night. I was in a different outfit to increase my appeal.
We walked to the bus chatting about the weather and
Oldenburg, where he lived. We caught the bus and on the bus
he said

“I am happy you had a wonderful evening. You did not want to

talk about Robert last night. Would like to tell me more? How
long have you known him and why do you feel he is a
problem?”

I did not really wish to answer but I thought he was just making
sure of the ground before he and I had a relationship. I
explained

“We met three years and six months ago. At first, it was
wonderful and we were in love. After two years he suggested
we breakup then did not go through with it. We discussed this
and we agreed to give each other more freedom. I met another
boy, Tom, a month later and he flattered me. He got me into my
bedroom and he took a few of my clothes off. I was still very
respectable but he ended up naked. I agreed to see him again.
When Robert found out, he was very angry telling me Tom was
only after sex and insisted that I chose either Robert or Tom,
but Robert said he would leave me if I went out again with Tom.
I chose Robert. So much for the freedom, we had agreed to give
each other. Since then he has been intensely jealous and I
cannot meet other men.

Robert is very moody too. When he is in a good mood, he is

wonderful but his mood can change in a few minutes and then
he is horrible to me or sits in silence and will not talk. He is
occasionally controlling and while I need some controlling, he is
over the top at times. At the end of three years, I think we have
fallen out of love with each other. For the last six months, we
seem to have been drifting. Part of the problem is that during
term time at University we both are stressed. We are better
together during the vacations.

While Robert and I have very good sex together, I asked him a
few weeks ago if he was just staying with me for sex. He said yes
jokingly. I do not know what to make of him. I made a vow to
meet other men while I am here; you see I do not know what
other men are like. I need to meet other men to find out
whether I will go back to Robert or not. I need to see what other
men are like.

Anyway this was how I was thinking before last night when I
met you.”

Ericht only said

“Sex can be beautiful and sex can be bad.”

I had hoped he would say something about last night, but that
was not to be. He was very pensive as we made our way to
meet his friends. He did not speak to me. I began to regret
having told him all the details. Then we me his friends and he
introduced me to them

“Hi guys, let me introduce Rachel to you. I met her last night at
the fair”

All his friends looked at me and were quite amazed by the looks
on their faces. Eventually they managed to say something like

“Hello Rachel we are pleased to meet you.”

I said

“I am pleased to meet you all too.”

Then Ericht said

“I love this girl. She is great fun and very sweet.”

I became unaware of their conversation. I only really heard the

first sentence. He loved me and I knew I loved him. It must have
been love at first sight. This was wonderful. I loved Ericht
because he was so kind and sweet. He had such a kind face and
eyes and I decided I never wanted to lose him. My mind was still
in this romantic dreamland when I felt Ericht pulling my hand.
He asked

“Are you alright Rachel, you seem to be miles away in your

mind?”

I came down to earth and replied

“Sorry yes I was remembering last night. Where are we going?”

Ericht said

“I thought we would have one beer with my friends and then I

thought we could play mini golf.”

I replied

“Yes I would like to do that.”

We went to a cafe that served beer and we all found a seat. I sat
next to Ericht but he was mostly chatting to his friends. There
was a lot of laughter but I did not see the funny side of the
conversation or it did not make me laugh. I put it down to girls
do not understand man talk. As the beer took effect, I started to
be caught up in the laughter that became infectious. Everyone
seemed to relax more although I was still not sure why I was
laughing. There were too many parallel conversations for me to
translate and I only understood parts of conversations. When
Ericht saw that I had drunk my beer, he told his friends that he
and I must go. We said goodbye and left to play mini golf.

Ericht said

“Sorry Rachel I thought I owed it to them to have one beer

before I left. It must have been boring for you.”

I replied

“No it was fine. I love men’s company. I could not figure out
what you were all discussing but I can see that you would
become a very lively group after a few more beers. Do you often
meet up with them?”

He confirmed
“Yes we meet up regularly on a Saturday afternoon. I attend
when I am not working. Once they are suitably inebriated they
will have enough courage to go chatting up girls in the evening
although some get too drunk and the girls do not want to know
them.”

I did not comment. I guessed that he was also describing

himself. It did not occur to me that possibly he had been
sufficiently inebriated last night to chat up me.

As we walked to the mini golf, Ericht asked

“Will Robert not be upset if you meet other men while you are
here? What about the kiss I gave you last night?”

“I will not make the same mistake as I made with Tom. I was
slightly drunk, tired, and stressed because my parents were at
asleep in another room with Tom. I realise now he was only
after sex but I was too naive. He never got what he was after
and I have learnt my lesson.

Kissing is not a problem. I enjoy it and although my parents are

strict, I can tell my mother about kissing. Robert can accept it
too but he does not like it. He has seen me kiss other boys and
he knows, if I meet someone, I will let them kiss me. I explained
my position to Robert earlier this year, after I had tried to have
a secret blind date he had known I was going on just from my
behaviour. I told him that if I met other men I would never have
sex with them or that kind of relationship unless I loved the
other person more than I loved Robert and it would have to be
love.”

I explained. Ericht fell silent as he thought about what I had

said. I was trying to make him feel we could have a relationship
without him feeling threatened by Robert. I think he was
overwhelmed by me, and by what I had told him.

Although he was still being kind and his voice was still sexy, I felt
that just going to play mini golf was an anticlimax after last
night. We arrived at the mini golf and started to play. We
laughed and Ericht said

“We are both hopeless at this.”

I wanted him to hug and hold me, and kiss me like last night. He
did hold my hand when we walked but he would only give me a
peck on the cheek rather than a full kiss on the lips. After the
mini golf, we walked along the promenade. He continued to ask
me about Robert and my other problems. Today I felt like
unloading my problems and Ericht seemed to care and was
interested. I also told him about good times like how I met
Robert and how he had awoken my sexuality. I told him about
how my mother had made me feel unwanted and unattractive
on my sixteenth birthday by saying

“Sweet sixteen, innocent, and never been kissed by a boy.”

I told him I hated my mother for saying that. I explained to

Ericht how I once had a crush on a female teacher. Then I had a
crush on Paul McCartney, and that I loved the Beatles music.

We were now sitting on a bench on the promenade and Ericht

had his arm round my shoulder, which pleased me. I said

“You must be bored listening to me chatter on for so long.

Robert does not like the fact that I continually talk.”

Ericht kindly replied

“I have not been bored at all. I am fascinated to hear about your
life. I think you are very intelligent and interesting and you
speak German well. You are much cleverer than me.”

I thought

“He thinks I am intelligent. What would he make of Robert who

I thought was much more intelligent than me.”

I looked at my watch; it was already six in the evening. No

wonder I was feeling hungry, I had not eaten since this morning.
I asked

“Ericht could we go for a meal I am starving?”

He replied

“Of course we can. There are several places to eat in the

Kurhaus. Come let us go.”

I was secretly hoping he would chose somewhere romantic with

candles, gentle music, and possibly a bottle of wine. Ericht was
obviously not in tune with me and he chose a typical German
grill restaurant that served German beer. I was disappointed
and do not remember what I ate but it came with the almost
compulsory German beer. Ericht did love his beer. We ate
slowly and I drank slowly. I knew I had to wake up tomorrow
morning on time. When we finished we walked around the
Kurhaus then left to go towards the fair. On the way Ericht
spotted his friends and asked

“Would you mind if I left you to get the bus back to Herr
Blum’s? You have to have a good night’s sleep and be up for
work tomorrow or you might lose your job. You have given me a
lot to think about and I would like to talk with my friends. “
I was jealous; did he really mean talk to his friends or was he
going to chat up girls with them? I replied somewhat indignantly

“No I do not want to keep you away from your friends. Can I
come to see you again?”

He replied

“Yes.”

I felt better and he kissed me briefly on the lips. I felt that he

was embarrassed with his friends watching, so I forgave him for
not being more romantic.

I caught the next bus back to Neukirchen and arrived at Herr

Blum’s before eight in the evening. In my room, I thought about
today. It had not been romantic like last night. I focused my
mind on Ericht words

“I love this girl”

I was taking these out of context, as I had done when he spoke

them. My own feelings overruled my mind and I was convinced I
was in love with Ericht; no, I was madly in love with Ericht. I
took his words literally too. Again, I felt wonderful, I never
wanted these feelings to end, and I never wanted to lose him.
The practical difficulties about how this might work when I had
to leave in nine weeks to return home to my parents, University
and possibly Robert did not seem to matter.

I was so excited I felt I had to tell someone. I had some time

before I needed to go to bed to write to my best friend Kate in
Edinburgh. It never occurred to me to write to my parents to
say I had arrived safely and I certainly did not want to write to
Robert. I told Kate how I felt it was love at first sight and about
the fun romantic evening, I had last night. I told her that Ericht
had said he loved me and that I never wanted to lose him.

Dear Kate,

I have arrived safely in Germany. On the

very first night Karen, my employer’s
daughter wanted me to go out to the fair in
Heiligenhafen. There she introduced to her
ex-fiancée, Ericht. Ericht made me feel
very welcome and he was very sweet and
kind. He has a deep voice that I find very
sexy. We were alone together at the fair
eventually. We had German beer, lots of fun
and we talked. He listens to me and I feel
I can tell him anything. On the first
evening, we ended up walking along the
beach hand in hand and he kissed me. It was
so wonderfully romantic and I will never
forget that evening. I fell in love with
Ericht on that walk along the beach and I
know he loves me.

I love Ericht because he is so friendly and

sweet, and he has a very sweet face. He is
so kind and gentle and I never want to lose
him.

Well I must finish here as I have to get to

work but I just had to share my good news
with someone because I am so happy and in
love again. It is wonderful and unexpected.
I will write again soon with more details,

Love,
Rachel

I was convinced it was love. It never occurred to me that this

was merely an infatuation. All the signs of infatuation were
there. It happened too fast. I hardly knew anything about Ericht.
It was summer and warm and my hormones were overactive. I
had been excited to be in Germany free from responsibilities. I
had an exciting fun evening with a touch of danger at the
dodgems. I did not know that fairs are the best place for a first
date if boys want to make an impression on girls. I knew that his
deep German voice was what made me feel sexy with him but
not that this had triggered the infatuation. It felt like love so I
assumed it was. Ericht was overwhelmed by me. I convinced
myself he did have feelings for me but I thought his love for me
was not as strong as my love for him.

Before I went to bed, I resolved that I would take the initiative. I

decided I would do the running and visit him as often as I could.
I had a feeling he was unlikely to visit me. With that thought, I
drifted off to sleep. These were very strange decisions for me to
have made. Normally I would never run after a boy. I certainly
had never run after Robert. I had known a boy for a few weeks
before I met Robert. I had a crush on this boy and I suppose I
had wanted to take the initiative with him until he rudely
dumped me. Again, I did not recognise this as a symptom of
infatuation. What did strike me was the intensity of my feelings
for Ericht. I felt highly excited. I was obsessed with Ericht. I
attributed this to how perfect we were for each other and the
strength of my love for him. I was still a naive teenager at heart,
probably since I had met Robert when I was sixteen and never
had a chance to develop grown up relationships.
 Chapter 4 My First Week At Work

On Sunday, I started work for Herr Blum. I asked him how late I
had to work but He could not tell me. I had hoped to visit Ericht
in the evenings. I was asked to clean in the kitchen. The cook
started to complain

“Rachel you have to work faster. You are very slow.”

Then I was asked to cook chips and I did not seem to be able to
cook them fast enough. Herr Blum asked me to help the
waitress over lunch. I was extremely anxious. I took an order for
four beers. When I took them to the table the German who had
ordered them said

“What is this? This beer has too much head, that beer has too
little and the other two are not filled to the mark?”

Herr Blum heard the complaints and came over and said

“I apologise to you gentlemen. Rachel is from England and this

is her first day. Please have these beers on the house.”

The German grunted

“Apologies accepted but you will need to train her.”

Herr Blum led me back inside. As we walked away, I heard the

Germans say

“Pretty little thing though, I would not mind giving her some
horizontal training. Will you just look at those legs?”

Herr Blum heard this as well and said

“I presume you have to put up with those sorts of comments a
lot and you know to ignore them, but you invite them by
wearing such short skirts. Let me tell you how the beer must be
served. The glass must be filled to the mark on the glass. Then
the head must fill the rest of the glass right up to the rim.
Germans are very particular about their beer being served
exactly according to these rules. I think you should go back to
the kitchen and ask cook what he wants you to do. Try to have
something to eat for yourself when there is time.”

I arrived back at the kitchen. The cook said

“Oh you are back, Rachel. Let us see if you can cook sausages.”

So there I was cooking sausages and frying other things. Then at

six in the evening, I was left to clean up the kitchen for the next
day. I took me an hour and a half to clean the kitchen. Herr
Blum came in and said

“Are you still here? I thought you would have finished by now.
You are not used to a lot of physical work, are you?”

“No I replied. Am I finished for today once I have cleaned this

kitchen?”

I asked.

“Yes, see you tomorrow, an hour earlier if possible.”

By the time, I finished the kitchen, and returned to my room I

was exhausted and it was too late to go to Oldenburg. I decided
to wash my hair and then set my alarm for seven in the
morning. I went to bed and fell asleep immediately.
My alarm startled me when it rang. I was dressed in a slightly
longer skirt and down at the kitchen one hour earlier as
instructed. Herr Blum was already there. He looked at my skirt
and raised his eyebrows. He said

“Have some coffee and something to eat then cook will tell you
what to do. Over lunchtime, I would like you to help the
waitress again.”

Monday was just like a repeat of Sunday. Over lunch, I was run
off my feet taking orders. I did better with the beer at least
there were no major complaints. I was very slow taking orders,
repeating them to make sure I got them right. Then when it
came to adding up the bills, I had to check everything I did three
times. Some customers were moaning about the slow service so
Herr Blum had to speed things up by serving some customers.

After lunch, it was back to the kitchen, cleaning, cooking chips,

and frying sausages. Again, it was eight in the evening before I
was back in my room. What a life, I even thought I would be
better off back home facing up to my problems. If I had not met
Ericht, I would not put up with it. My relationship with Ericht
was not going to go well if I never had time to see him. I decided
I would ask Herr Blum for time off to visit Oldenburg.

The next morning I asked Herr Blum if I could finish at six this
evening. He reluctantly agreed but told me that on Wednesday I
would have to work until at least eight in the evening to prepare
for a banquette. It was another hard day in the kitchen and
serving at lunch. It was a relief not to have to clean the kitchen
at night. As soon as the cook left, I was up to my room, changing
into a shorter skirt, and applying my makeup. Then off to the
bus stop and into Heiligenhafen and from there to Oldenburg. I
climbed up to the now familiar front door and rang the bell.
Ericht appeared looking tired and said

“Oh hello Rachel, you surprise me again. I am working the night

shift this week until Sunday and it always makes me feel tired.
Can we just go out for a beer somewhere locally in Oldenburg.
There is a small fair in town with a beer tent?”

I affirmed

“Yes that is fine with me Ericht. I am also quite tired. That would
be lovely.”

He went inside to grab his jacket. It was always the same one
and we walked to the local fair. He did not hold my hand and he
seemed more distant. I attributed it to his tiredness. I asked

“Did you have a good time with your friends on Saturday after I
left?”

Ericht seemed a bit reluctant to say anything. Then he offered

an explanation

“Yes I had a few beers with them. They were interested to hear
about you and offering me advice since I am a bit confused by
your feelings for me and how I should respond.”

I took this to mean he was not sure if he was in love with me. I
suggested

“Do not hold back. I am not confused about how I feel about
you. Let us just enjoy each other and have fun.”

He continued
“I keep thinking about Robert. I do not want to make your
relationship with him more difficult.”

I wished I had never mentioned Robert. I insisted

“Ericht forget about Robert. He is my responsibility not yours.

When I decide I want something I am very determined and I do
not let anything get in my way.”

Ericht retorted

“I know that. It is one of the most amazing things about you. I

have never met a girl with such determination as you. I admire
you for it. Fine I will not consider Robert’s feelings. Here we are
almost there. Would you like a beer as usual Rachel?”

I joked

“But of course, you know my desires, young man.”

Ericht gave me a strange look and went off to get the beers. On
his return I said

“I was joking?”

I think I had embarrassed him, but there was also a glint in his
eye. I quickly changed the subject and asked him about his job.
He told me it was hard work especially the night shift work. It
was mostly physical, which was difficult since he was not strong.
He said Karen had wanted him to get a better job and because
he made no effort, she broke off their engagement. She wanted
a man with better prospects. He continued

“Karen thought it would be a bit of a joke to pair you off with

me. She thought you would not give me a second glance. Now
she is wondering what it is you see in me. She thinks she must
have missed something and I think she is slightly jealous of you.
I do not understand what you see in me either. What do you
want from me?”

I explained

“You are very special to me because you have been kind and
sweet to me. I can talk to you about anything. You are
understanding and non-critical of me. You accept me as I am
and you do not put demands on me. These are just as important
as prospects. I just want you to want me.”

Ericht replied

“I think you are a very kind person too. You are also very sweet.
I think Robert is a fool not to treat you better and no matter
what you tell me I think you will find he has missed you
dreadfully when you return. I know you do not accept this but I
hope you will allow me to talk to you about anything.”

I reluctantly conceded

“We can agree to differ. That is what a good relationship is

about in the end. Compromising is the key to it.”

We looked at each other. His eyes looked tired and I knew he

had to go to work in a couple of hours. It seemed best we
parted company because I also had a long workday tomorrow.
He took me to a bus stop near the fair. He waited with me until
the bus came. When he saw the bus in the distance, he turned
to face me and gave me a proper kiss on the lips. I soaked up
the pleasure. Only the arrival of the bus ended our embrace.

I thought on the bus that tonight had not been fun but we had
discussed important topics that needed to be discussed. When I
returned to my room, I felt somewhat let down. This
relationship with Ericht seemed to be one sided. Did he really
want me and love me? My mind kept returning to the end of
the evening on my first night here, walking hand in hand along
the beach. I just could not accept it was not real.

I worked all day on Wednesday until well past eight in the

evening and then on Thursday the day of the banquet I was kept
running around. I made some mistakes in taking some orders
and Herr Blum was not too pleased with me. On Friday when I
arrived in the kitchen Herr Blum took me aside and said

“Rachel, I think the work here is too hard for you. I have found
you alternative employment at a cafe on the promenade that I
think will be more suitable for you. Karen’s brother-in-law will
pick you up at lunchtime to take you there. Here is one hundred
Deutschmark, one weeks’ wages. You will be paid at the same
rate at the cafe. So you should go to your room and pack.”

I was without words. I took the money and went up to my

room. I sat for a long time just staring into space. Then my
anxiety returned. My work permit had the name of my
employer on it. Would it still be legal if I changed employer. Did
I need to get a new work permit? What would the people at the
cafe be like? I decided it was time to write to my parents. In any
case, I had to give them my new address. So I decided once I
was settled in at the cafe I would get a decent supply of writing
paper, envelopes, and stamps. I would write to Kate again.

Karen’s brother in law duly picked me up. He did not take me to

the Cafe Lowen because the family Hass who ran it did not live
there. Instead, he took me to their home. I was met by Frau
Hass’s mother. For some reason I could tell I was not going to
like her. She said
“So you are the problem girl Rachel. Yes, your skirt is much too
short. Well, we run a stricter house here. I have heard about
your late nights running around with that boy. Well here, you
must be back by ten in the evening and you are not allowed to
have friends in your room. You will arrive for work at nine in the
morning and normally you will work until six in the evening but
sometimes it will be later. The cafe is open seven days a week
but you may get a day off if the weather is bad. We will pay you
what you were promised, one hundred per week, but I think
that is too much since we provide you with food and board. Do
you have any questions?”

I did not like the condescending tone in her voice. I had been
right I did not like her. I tried to ask her about my work permit
but I could not make her understand. She became impatient
and then showed me my room, the bathroom I had to share
with the cook, and the rooms that were private for the family
only. Then she left. I went to my room checked it had a working
lock then I did the same for the bathroom. I did not want the
cook bursting in on me.

I carried my baggage up to my room, sorted out some of my

things and then went out to the post office to buy my stamps,
writing paper, and envelopes. Then I sat down to write a long
letter to my parents explaining what had happened. This made
me feel awful and I knew I was in no mood to visit Oldenburg
tonight. I did not want Ericht to see me like this. When I finished
my letter to my parents, I took it to the post office and then
found a restaurant to get something to eat. After I had eaten, I
felt much better but I just went to my room and wrote to Kate.
A week ago, I was happier than I had ever been; this Friday was
to be the worst of my stay.
 Chapter 6 My First Week At The Cafe

The next day I awoke early and was waiting for someone to take
me to the cafe. There as a knock on the door and a man with
long hair tied in a pony tail introduced himself

“Hello I am Kurt, the cook at the cafe. You must be Rachel.”

We left for the cafe. We walked in silence to the cafe. Kurt took
me to the kitchen, introduced me to two Spanish men and to
two German men, Tomas and Peter from Frankfurt. Then he
asked me to start peeling potatoes. Frau Hass entered and said

“So this is Rachel is it? Make sure she pulls her weight Kurt. I
have heard she is as slow as a mule.”

I resented her for that and wondered who had said that about
me. I decided I hated the Hass family. When she left the others
said to ignore what she said. None of the others was happy
here. I got back to peeling my potatoes. When I was called to
clear some tables, everyone was laughing when I returned. I
asked

“What are you laughing at?”

They all said in unison

“Eeey Ohhy, Eeey Ohhy”

They were pointing at my bottom. I looked round and found a

piece of paper on my trousers. I pulled it off and saw a picture
of a mule. Laughter burst out again. I was actually angry but I
tried to maintain my composure and said
“Yes, very funny, I can see why you were laughing. I will not ask
who did this.”

I cleared the trays I had brought in and started washing the

plates, glasses, and cutlery. A glass slipped out of my hand and
broke on the floor. More laughter, then Tomas helped me clear
he broken glass up. Frau Hass’s mother came in to find out what
the commotion was about and then muttered

“She is a useless girl”

Somehow, I survived the rest of the day and at six in the

evening, I walked back with the cook. He said

“Do not take the fact that they made fun of you today seriously.
They all hate working there so much that they try to find ways
of making their days more fun. It is because it was your first day
that they picked on you. I know they all thought you were very
nice and want to be friends.”

I felt better after Kurt told me this and I thanked him. I was keen
to get back to change and the get the bus to Oldenburg. I knew
Ericht would still be working night shifts but this time I had real
problems I needed to talk with him. I walked up the steps to
ring the bell as usual. When Ericht opened the door, I said

“I am sorry to bother you tonight. I know you are still on the

night shift but I have problems I need to discuss with you.”

He kindly replied

“Your problems are my problems, Rachel. Have you eaten?”

I gasped
“No, I have hardly had time to eat today. Can we get a beer and
something to eat? I do not have so much time tonight, I have to
be back in Heiligenhafen before ten this evening.”

“Sure, that is not a problem. We had better go now.”

Ericht replied and rushed in for that jacket. As we walked to the

restaurant, I recounted my week to Ericht. He listened intently. I
told him my worries about my work permit. He did not say
much until we arrived at a restaurant. Then he said

“Rachel let me get you a beer first to relax you then we can
order some food. The service is very quick here. You will not
have to worry. I will make sure you are back before your
deadline.”

He ordered the beers and we sat. I drank mine rather quickly

and I did begin to relax. Ericht commented

“You are thirsty. Do not drink it too quickly I do not want to

have to carry you back.”

We both laughed. He did not seem so tired tonight and there

was a sparkle in his kind blue eyes. When I was with him, I
always felt less worried. I felt romantic again and knew that
although the work was hard it was worth it for the time we had
together.

Ericht explained

“You should not worry about Herr Blum. I know him. He is only
interested in money. If he were losing custom because you
made a few mistakes or were too slow, he would only be
concerned about his bottom line, not about you. He has not
paid you very well either, your wages are very low for
Germany.”

I intercepted

“My wages are more than I would get at home.”

Ericht continued

“I do not know the Hass family. I have never been to the Cafe
Lowen. They seem to be extremely strict and they have taken
away some of that freedom you desired. They are typical of
German employers who take on temporary staff for the
summer. They do not treat these employees well. They only
want them to work all hours for a pittance and if you are
foreign, they will treat you even worse. I do not think the other
temporary employees meant anything by pinning a mule to
your bottom. They probably only saw it as a bit of fun. I see you
have finished your beer. Would you like another and we should
order some food.”

I replied

“Yes I will have another beer and please order me some food.
Could you choose it for me?”

Ericht left to place our order and came back with two beers. We
sat quietly for a while and then the food arrived quickly as Ericht
had predicted. As we ate, I asked him

“What should I do about my work permit, Ericht?”

He considered for a while, then admitted

“I do not know much about work permits. I am sure you do not

have to worry. There are probably many people working here
without any work permit. Summer part time employment is
cash based. No records are kept. If anyone asked, you probably
would not exist. I have a day off tomorrow. I will ask around to
see what I can find out. Can you come tomorrow, and I will tell
you what I learn? I am on the evening shift from Monday
through Friday, and then I have a free day Saturday, before I
return to the day shift.”

“You are very kind Ericht. That would be helpful. Thank you.”

We continued our meals and drinking our beer. Ericht made the
sound of a mule, and I laughed, and he laughed too. I was
enjoying this evening much better than the last I had spent with
him. I think we were both less tired. He continued to tease me
about the mule but he did it in such a nice way it was just fun.

Ericht said jokingly,

“Rachel your time is up. I have to see my next patient now.

Seriously, we must go if you are to catch a bus to get you back
on time otherwise you will turn into a pumpkin, or I will, or
something.”

I finished my beer and he led me by hand out of the restaurant

to a bus stop. A bus was approaching. Ericht put his arms
around me and kissed me. I wanted to hug him but the bus had
stopped and the driver looked impatient. I said to Ericht

“I will see you tomorrow if I can thanks and goodbye.”

On the bus I was feeling much happier about everything, Herr

Blum, the Hass family and the mule incident. I also felt better
about my relationship with Ericht, although I wondered if he
was working the evening shift next week. I thought it might be
he did not wish to see me. He never greeted me with a kiss and
he had never invited me into the apartment to meet his family. I
wondered if he was ashamed of me. I still loved him madly but I
was still unsure if he loved me.

I worked all day Sunday and found that the other employees
were in fact very friendly and to break the monotony we
cracked jokes about Frau Hass and her mother when they were
out of hearing range. One puzzle was where Herr Hass was if
there was a Herr Hass. Someone said he probably ran off after
the honeymoon and we all laughed.

At six in the evening, I walked back with the cook, made myself
decent for Ericht, and made my way to Oldenburg. Ericht was all
ready and waiting for me and asked

“Shall we go to the same restaurant as last night?”

I acknowledged

“I would like that.”

As we walked, Ericht asked me how my day had been and I told

him it was hard work but the other employees were very
friendly. I told him the jokes that they had cracked about the
Hass family and he laughed. Then he asked

“Are you feeling happier there now?”

I said

“I would never be happy there. I did not think anyone was, or

could be.”

He confirmed
“I suppose you are right but at least they were not making fun
of you.”

“That is true, Ericht”

I replied as we reached the restaurant.

Ericht asked

“Should I order some beer and food at the same time?”

I responded

“Yes and just one beer for me tonight.”

We found a table and Ericht went to order the beer and food.
He returned with two beers. When he sat down, he said

“I have not been able to find out anything definitive about work
permits, it being a Sunday. I have asked several employers I
know and they tell me there is probably no need to worry. You
probably should have a new work permit but no one will ask for
it. In any case it is the Hass’s responsibility not yours. They
would be prosecuted; your current work permit would be
withdrawn. You have nothing to fear so stop worrying, Rachel.”

I replied

“Thank you Ericht, I feel relieved that you have told me this. You
are very kind to have gone to all this trouble for me. I seem to
be a problem to everyone.”

Ericht exclaimed

“Rachel, you are not a problem to everyone, especially not to

me. I told you to come to me if you had difficulties with your job
or anything else. I am very pleased to help you. It is in reward
for the kindness you show me. My friends are jealous that you
allow me to spend time with you. They think you are too good
for me. They would love to have a girl like you as a friend.”

I was disappointed he had not said girlfriend because that is

what I wanted to be. I assumed he did not want to be
presumptuous. I suggested

“Am I not your girlfriend rather than just a friend who happens
to be a girl? I consider you as a boyfriend?”

Ericht looked embarrassed and said in a light hearted way

“Well Rachel, drink up your beer and the food is here.

Remember I have to get you back by bewitching hour.”

With that, he lifted his glass, and I lifted my glass and we

toasted silently. I privately toasted to our relationship. I would
have given anything to know what Ericht was thinking. We
concentrated on eating and drinking. Ericht asked if I had had a
letter from Robert. I told him I had not given Robert my new
address.

Soon it was time for me to leave. The ten in the evening

deadline was restricting the time I could spend with Ericht and I
resented this. At the bus stop, Ericht did not hug me but did give
me a short kiss on the lips. On the bus, I was sad that I would
not be able to see Ericht again until next Saturday, at the
earliest. I thought

“I might not find him in if he goes drinking with his friends.”

I started to feel lonely and since there had been no more

romantic evenings, my passion for Ericht was waning. Why did
he not call me his girlfriend? Did he not love me? I felt sad
about this. I could not spend as much time with him as I
wanted. I thought the relationship was not going to happen.

I worked on Monday through Wednesday. One day I tripped in

the kitchen and I dropped the tray of glasses I was carrying. I
had a lot of broken glass to clear up. On Thursday, Frau Hass
handed me a letter. It was from Robert. I was actually pleased
to receive it. Then it dawned on me today was Robert’s twenty
first birthday. I would have to write to him tonight but I could
not think what I could tell him. I could not tell him about Ericht,
but I did not tell lies, particularly to Robert. I had learnt that
Robert knew immediately if I was lying.

That night and the next I carefully composed the following letter
to Robert.

Dear Robert,

Thursday

Happy 21st birthday! How did you celebrate

it, I would be very interested to know? I
received your letter at work today on your
birthday, The Hass family own a cafe, on
the promenade in Heiligenhafen, and this is
where I am working now so please write to
me here. Herr Blum the owner of the
restaurant in Neukirchen, where I was
supposed to work originally, did not think
I was able to cope as a waitress, I made
mistakes in orders and could not draw the
beer correctly, the Germans are very fussy
about having exactly the right amount of
head on their beer. I was costing him too
much money with wasted food and beer. I am
in Heiligenhafen now.

Well Robert, I have so much I could say. I

do not know how much you wish to hear.
Anyway, up until now, I have not been
lonely but the prospects do not look so
good now. I am sorry I was so soppy when we
said good-bye. You also did not know that I
cried all the next morning on Thursday
because I felt so insecure and nervous but
I am now here and I know that logically
everything is fine and I am happy.

My journey out here on Friday went exactly

according to schedule. The flight to London
was good. The plane circled over London for
quite a while and I could see the whole
city spread out before me, bathed in
sunlight. I met and chatted to a Scottish
man on the plane. He was 30 and married. He
was very kind and helped me at Heathrow
airport and onto my plane to Hamburg. On
the flight to Hamburg, I chatted most of
the time to a woman, who came from Hamburg
but lived in Mansfield in England. All I
noticed about my flight was it was cloudy
and rainy. This woman took me to the
railway station in Hamburg.

On the train to Puttgarten, I was chatting

to two nice American men until I was moved
out of the first class compartment where I
was sitting. I was told to go to a second-
class compartment. At Puttgarten, there was
this stout man and I asked him if he was
Herr Blum and if he was waiting to take me
to the restaurant.

That night, Friday, Karen Blum, Herr Blum's

daughter who is about the same age as me,
asked me to go to a fair in Heiligenhafen
and I had a late night and slept in the
next morning. Herr Blum gave me the day
off. I briefly visited Oldenburg in the
morning then played mini-golf in
Heiligenhafen, and then went to the Kurhaus
in Heiligenhafen at night. Well on Sunday,
I had to start work. I never know how late
I am going to have to work. I worked all
day Sunday and Monday, serving cleaning,
cooking - what a life! On Tuesday, I
finished early enough to visit Oldenburg
after work. Wednesday I had to prepare for
a banquet until 8pm. Thursday and Friday
were also busy.

On Friday, Herr Blum took me aside and said

the work was too hard for me. Karen's
brother-in-law took me to Heiligenhafen to
work in the cafe Lowen where I now am. On
Saturday, I worked and spent the evening in
Oldenburg. It was the same on Sunday work
during the day, Oldenburg in the evening. I
have had to work all week and I hardly have
time to wash my hair never mind get out. I
do not like the Hass family who run the
cafe. They are not friendly and they will
not tell me when I get a day off. I do know
how many hours I have to work each day but
I have little free time.

Friday

It is difficult to talk to them and I am

worried I do not have a proper work permit
to work here. I am angry and annoyed, since
I have only had about two days off since I
arrived nearly two weeks ago. They just
work and work here. The cook, two Germans
from Frankfurt and two Spaniards are
friendly. I have broken five glasses this
week. I broke four at once when I was
carrying a tray and slipped in the kitchen

Well thank you for your letter. I must get

to bed now since I am tired and I have to
work tomorrow (Saturday) as usual. Please
forgive me for not writing before. I did
not write before because too many new
impressions converged on me all at once but
now I am settling down.

All my love,

Rachel
 Chapter 7 First Time I Sleep With Ericht.

After work on Saturday, I went to Oldenburg. I was going on the

off chance that Ericht would we home since Saturday was his
day for drinking with his friends and that started early in the
afternoon and went on late into the evening. I ran up his steps
and rang the bell. To my surprise, Ericht opened the door. I
exclaimed

“I really expected you to be out drinking with your friends but I

came anyway in case you were not out.”

Ericht explained

“I have been out drinking with them but my parents and

grandmother are out tonight and I have to look after my
younger brother. Well come in Rachel, my brother is in the
lounge watching television.”

Ericht showed me into the lounge and introduced me to his

brother and said take a seat. His brother was on the sofa so I sat
on a single chair. Ericht asked

“Would you like a beer Rachel?”

I said I would and he went off and returned with two beers and
a drink for his brother. I was hoping Ericht would somehow
persuade his brother to go to his own room leaving the sofa
free for Ericht and me. Ericht just sat on the sofa with his
brother. I thought

“This is just great. Here I am sitting on my own while he sits with

his brother. What type of relationship is this?”
I tried to talk to Ericht but it was difficult with the television
blazing away. Ericht for once seemed unwilling to chat. He
obviously had something on his mind and did not want to talk
about it. I felt inhibited by the presence of his brother. I decided
that it had been a mistake to come tonight and I would leave as
soon as I finished my drink. When I finished my beer, I said

“Ericht, I am feeling quite tired tonight. I think I will go back for

an early night.”

I got up and Ericht followed me to the door. I was waiting for a

goodnight kiss when Ericht declared

“I would like to sleep with you.”

I was quite surprised I had not expected this. Naively I took this
to mean he was in love with me after all. I had never thought
about sex with Ericht. I felt I was still in love with him so sex was
not against my rules, since I no longer felt in love with Robert. I
assumed he had similar rules so he must be in love with me!

I remembered our first night and Ericht had been very kind last
weekend as regards my work permit. I wanted to reward for his
kindness. I made Robert wait two years for sex. I had only
known Ericht for two weeks, but the intensity of my feelings for
him, overruled my common sense, and I said

“Yes, you may. Do you mean now, what about your brother?”

Ericht replied

“He will be glued to the television. His favourite programs are

on tonight. He will not even notice.”
Ericht led me to his bedroom. Only now was I thinking about
myself; might this be wonderful for me too like sex was with
Robert?

We were both now very nervous and Ericht seemed to be in a

rush. In his bedroom, Ericht shut the blinds to both darken the
room and prevent neighbours from spying. I could see his hands
shake. Ericht pulled back the bed covers and then went to close
the lounge door and his bedroom door when he returned. He
cleared a table and said embarrassedly

“You can put your things on here.”

I was embarrassed and did not know what to do. I was

expecting us to lie on the bed, kiss, and cuddle, and then take
things from there. A romantic approach was not on Ericht’s
agenda. He was still in a rush. He then walked to the other side
of his bed facing away from me and started to remove his
clothes quickly. I could tell he was nervous. I turned my back to
him, took my clothes off even more quickly, lay on his bed, and
pulled the covers up over me. I was very nervous and
embarrassed about him seeing me naked. Ericht still had his
back to me but I decided not to look at him. He quickly slid into
bed and then moved his legs between my legs. He did not try to
kiss me. Neither of us could look at the other in the face. He put
his hands on my breasts briefly. I was embarrassed by my small
breasts and said nervously

“Sorry they are only small.”

Before I had finished speaking, he quickly moved his body and I

felt something inside me. This was too soon for me; I was not
ready. Then after a very short time, he quickly rolled over onto
his back next to me and said
“That was no good for me.”

For me this all happened much too fast. It had been awful for
me too. I felt this had just been a complete rush. There had
been no slow cuddling or kissing. His attempt to stroke my
breasts was neither sensual nor slow. He had skipped any type
foreplay completely and had not attempted to satisfy me. This
had just been embarrassing for both of us. I decided he knew
nothing about making love. Although I did not intend to have
sex with him again, sex was not important enough to me to
change the way I felt about him. I turned my head to look at
him. He seemed sad, disappointed, and somewhat guilty. I
thought that tonight had possibly been my fault rather than his.
I did not think I was very good at sex. Robert was the expert. I
asked Ericht

“Ericht, is there a problem?”

Ericht replied very negatively

“Rachel, it does not matter what I feel about you, or what you
feel about me, the fact is there is no hope for us. You will have
to leave in seven weeks and you will forget about me. I do not
see the point in getting more involved with you.”

I said hopefully

“Tonight has just lowered you mood. You will feel different in
the morning. I am not going to let tonight affect my feelings for
you. You should not let it affect your feelings for me. We will
find a way. Cheer up Ericht. This is definitely not the end of our
relationship.”

Ericht piped up
“Rachel, nothing comes between you and what you want does
it? However, it is well known that we cannot have everything
we want and as you said in every relationship there has to be
compromises. Is it not possible that you are both compromising
your relationship with Robert for another relationship and
making compromises in the wrong relationship?

I did not really understand what he was trying to tell me, I think
something was lost in translation. I asked him what his work
schedule was for the days ahead. He hesitated for a few
minutes then told me he was not sure. He had taken so long to
answer I was getting bored. I looked at my watch. We had
hardly been in his bedroom for fifteen minutes and about ten or
more of those minutes were conversation with long silences. I
wanted to get dressed; I was embarrassed being naked in bed
with him after what had happened. I said

“Ericht, will you look away. I want to get dressed and I do not
want you to see me naked.”

He obliged

“Of course I will look away. I did not look at you when you were
undressing. It will be easy because you are near your things and
me mine. If we look away and get up together it will simplest.”

I was tempted to have a quick look at him from the side and I
did manage to catch an outline. I had to smile. I wondered if
that sort of thing was related to intelligence. Then I thought it
probably meant he would not be as demanding as Robert
would, which would be a relief. By the time these silly thoughts
were over I was dressed and making my way to the front door. I
would still be home earlier than usual. Ericht only briefly kissed
me at the door.
As I walked to catch the bus, I thought

“Tonight has not worked out as I expected. I have made my first

mistake and I should not have let him sleep with me so soon.”

I convinced myself it would not change anything, and then I

remembered I had just posted my first letter to Robert this
morning on the way to work. I would have to lie to Robert about
tonight. I decided the beast approach was to block this evening
from my memory, a trick that was easy for me.
 Chapter 8 First Week On Holiday.

On Sunday, the next day after work I went to Oldenburg as

usual. When I ran the doorbell, I had to wait longer than usual
for Ericht to come to the door. When the door did eventually
open, it was not Ericht I saw but his brother. His brother said

“Sorry Ericht is out with friends, I am not sure where they were
going.”

I thanked him and made my way back to Heiligenhafen. I was

slightly suspicious he might not want to see me. This continued
for the next two weeks, I would make all the effort to go to
Oldenburg only to find he was out, he was at work, or so I was
told. I became frustrated and the travelling was tiring me out as
well so I did not go to Oldenburg so often. I was so fed up with
the Hass family, and what eventually made me flip was that I
had worked for three weeks without a day off. I decided to give
up work and find a cheap hotel to live in. I wrote to my parents
asking for an extra fifty pounds. They had already given me a
similar amount before I came to Germany.

If I lived in a hotel, I would be able to see Ericht at any time of

day not just in the evenings when I was tired and time was
limited. Heiligenhafen was a wonderful place to have a holiday,
but not to work. I had brought some books and notes to study
for the second attempt at the examinations I had failed. I had
not looked at them. I lied to my parents when I asked them for
the money. I told them I needed to stop work at the cafe
because I had no time to study. I had no intention of studying. I
was going to spend some of my time with Ericht and the rest
relaxing and enjoying myself. I thought I might just spend some
days lying in the sun on the beach in my bikini that Robert had
given me a year ago.

I worked up until the Saturday of my fourth week in Germany. I

told the Hass family the day before what my plans were. They
were annoyed and resentful but at the end of the Saturday,
they paid me what I was due. I had already found a hotel after
searching on the Thursday evening, the day I made my decision.

On Friday night, I was surprised to find an Irish girl sharing my

room. I had wondered why there were two beds in my room.
She was now going to replace me at the cafe. Her name was
Maria. While she unpacked and I packed, we chatted to each
other. Well being stressed, I chatted more to her than she did to
me. I told her about my problems back home, about Robert,
and about Ericht. I do not think she approved of me having two
boyfriends. The she asked

“What are the Hass family like to work for? They seem a bit
rude?”

I replied

“Maria, I am afraid they are awful employers. No one likes

working for the Hass family. I have not had a day off in three
weeks and that is why I am leaving. I am staying on at a small
hotel nearby. Here is the address.”

I handed her one of the cards I had picked up at the hotel. I

continued

“Come and visit me after work and we can have a drink

together.”
Maria confirmed she would. Kurt and Maria helped me carry my
baggage to the cafe on Saturday morning. After work, Maria
helped me take it to my hotel that was about twenty minutes
walking distance from the cafe. I invited her up to my room and
we chatted more as I unpacked for the third time. Maria asked

“Rachel, are you sure this relationship with Ericht is working?

Since you have slept with him, you have not seen him. Men can
be like that. You should have made him wait. I agree that you
probably do not want to go back to Robert but you should break
that off properly first. I think you have rushed into this
relationship with Ericht too quickly and without thought.”

I said firmly

“Maria when I decide I want something then nothing will

prevent me and I know Ericht is the man I love and want. I am
sure in my mind.”

Maria changed the subject and no more was said. We chatted

some more and then Maria had to leave to be back by ten. I
went to bed soon after and fell asleep thinking of my first night
when I met Ericht. It would get better now I thought. I awoke
early by habit, ate a good breakfast, taking a few bits of food up
to my room to save me spending too much money at lunchtime.
I otherwise spent a relaxing day in my room, the first in four
weeks. I decided I would visit Oldenburg on Monday. This was
the beginning of my fifth week and I had last seen Ericht at the
end of my second week. I would arrive early and wait all day if I
had to. I only had to think of that first night at the fair and the
stroll along the beach to make my emotions soar up again. He
must come home sometime. I arrived in Oldenburg on Monday
at ten in the morning. I pressed his doorbell and the door was
opened by an older man whom I assumed was his father. I
asked if Ericht was at home. The man said he was at work. I
asked

“When will Ericht be home?”

The man suggested

“He is usually home just after four in the afternoon. He has an

early start. Are you the girl who has been calling round to see
him recently?”

I confirmed

“Yes, I am Rachel. Could you tell Ericht I have called? I will come
back at five this evening.”

“Ericht has told us very little about you. We only know what his
brother has told us, and if it is true, then I disapprove. It is time I
had a few words with Ericht. I do not think has treated you well,
I am very sorry about what he has done. There is no problem is
there?”

I wondered what his brother had told them and I did not
understand what he meant by a problem or of what he
disapproved. I replied

“No, there is no problem; he has not treated me badly either. I

just want to be able to see him again.”

The man looked relieved. l left to spend the rest of the day in
the centre of Oldenburg. As I was having some lunch and now I
was drinking beer by default, I thought about the odd
conversation this morning. Suddenly I realised maybe his
brother had noticed something on the night I slept with Ericht.
He might have told his parents. If he had maybe, his father, if
that was who the man had been had thought that I might be
pregnant and disapproved. I did not know if Ericht had used a
condom or not. It had all happened too fast. I had not been
concerned because I did not believe that it was that easy to get
pregnant, very silly really. I had been lucky though and I knew I
was not pregnant, as I had just had my period.

I spent my afternoon as a tourist looking around Oldenburg. As

it approached five, I made my way back to see Ericht, making
my emotions soar by recalling our first night together. He came
to the door immediately and said

“Rachel, can we go for a walk?”

I affirmed

“Yes.”

I was wondering why we were not going for our usual drink. I
then told him about finishing work, and getting my hotel. I
mentioned Maria. Ericht asked

“Are you going back home soon?”

I replied

“No I am staying on until the first of September as originally

planned. I am hoping we can spend more time together now I
am free each day.”

Ericht said

“That is not a good reason for staying; you should go home to

Robert.”

I said indignantly
“Why have you said that Ericht? It is you I want not Robert.”

He replied

“Rachel, you are too good for me. I have been dishonest with
you. If you do not want Robert you will meet other men.”

I said

“I have met another man and it is you. I do not see our

relationship as hopeless. We can make it work. You have done
nothing wrong or dishonest. Do you not love me anymore?”

Ericht thought and said

“Rachel, give me a week. I will meet you outside the Kurhaus at

eight in the evening.”

He kissed me on the lips and then turned and walked back

towards his house. I stood for a long time staring at him until he
was out of sight. I then realised he had led me to the bus stop
and a bus driver was asking me if I was waiting for the bus or
not. I arrived back at my hotel to find Maria waiting for me. She
had come to invite me to a barbecue on the beach since the two
men from Frankfurt were leaving soon. I needed some fun after
talking with Ericht so I agreed to go along. I told Maria what
Ericht had said but she did not comment.

We arrived at the beach. Kurt, Tomas, Peter, and the two

Spanish men were there as well as two German girls. There was
food and a lot of beer. I said

“I need a beer.”

Kurt opened a bottle and passed it to me. We chatted, drank

beer, a lot of beer, and ate the food. Then we started singing.
Everyone knew of the Beatles so we started with a few of their
songs. I saw Maria and Kurt talking. Then Kurt came over to sit
beside me. After about ten minutes, he kissed me briefly on the
lips. I did not mind. They were now singing some German songs.
Kurt asked

“Rachel, can we move over there where it will be more

private?”

I knew what he had in mind and I had too many beers, so I

thought why not? So we both moved away from the others for
more privacy. I lay down on the beach and Kurt lay down beside
me and started to kiss me. I knew that we were still in view of
the others so I had nothing to fear. After what seemed like
twenty minutes of snogging, although I had no idea of time,
Maria started to sing some Irish songs. She had a lovely voice
and I told Kurt I wanted to join the others again to listen to
Maria sing. He did not try to stop me. I sat next to Maria. We all
gave Maria a huge applause. Tomas and Peter came over to say
goodbye. I stood up and each of them kissed me on the lips. I
caught Maria giving me a disapproving look. Soon afterwards,
Maria had to get back to her room at the Hass family home. My
hotel was open until eleven at night so I walked back with her.
Maria asked me

“How many men are you intending to kiss while you are here? I
do not think you are as bad as those two German girls who each
kissed all the men tonight more than once. I do not like their
type. I expected you to behave better.”

I explained

“I have never had an issue with kissing. It does not mean

anything. Even my mother would not criticise me for that. I
agree that I did not like the German girls either. They were a bit
common. I might like to comment on you. You are obviously not
wearing a bra and your nipples show through your clothes. All
the men were looking at them. I do not approve of that.”

Maria conceded

“Let us not fall out over this. We just live by different rules. I
think we are both good girls. I will come and see you again,
Rachel.”

With that, we parted company. I had now received several

letters from Robert. Some were very sweet and he did seem to
be missing me. He had also worked out that I was seeing men
and he was guessing that I had been sleeping with someone.
Later in the week, I felt I had to write to him. He did not even
know my new address. I had managed to buy a card one
evening when I had failed to see Ericht about a week after
Robert’s birthday and had posted it in Oldenburg.

"DIE BESTEN GLUCK-WUNSCHE,

zu Deinem 21 Geburtstag wunscht

Dir Lieber Robert

Deine Rachel”

PS Neat huh!!!

PLEASE forgive me for this birthday card

being so late!!

I composed the following letter to send to Robert.

Dear Robert,
Thursday

For the last month, my mind has been

crowded with new impressions and, after
work, I have felt too tired and I have
wanted to go out and drink German beer.
This is why I have not written. So
might
stop imagining all the sins that I ^ have
committed. I have done nothing I believe to
be wrong.

Last Thursday I made my decision not to

work anymore. I said nothing until Friday,
and then I worked on Saturday. I have asked
my parents for some money so I can stay
here till the end of August as planned
because it is lovely here, with the sun,
sea and sand and I have made a couple of
friends here although I have not seen Karen
since I moved to Heiligenhafen. I am now
staying in a small Hotel in Heiligenhafen.
Please send your letters to this new
address. I have received six (VERY GOOD!)
letters from you including the pictures of
me and the sketch of me. I think the sketch
is very good and I was amused that you
preferred the picture of me with the least
amount of clothing (well nothing) on!

Well I decided not to work any longer

because I did not get enough time off and I
had to work until six and be in my room by
ten at night - it is not on. I did not like
my employers, the Hass family. They were
mean. They paid me 300DM for the three
weeks. I got no extra pay for the extra
days and hours I had worked since I had no
days off and no meal breaks. The Hass
family, the cafe owners, were so unfriendly
although the cook, two Spaniards and two
Germans from Frankfurt who I worked with
were friendly. They however like me could
not wait to finish their contracts. Since I
did not have a contract and I could get
money from my parents there was nothing to
stop me leaving so I did.

Well Robert, what are you doing in the

evenings? I would be interested to hear
what you are doing. You asked what I was
doing after 6pm. When I was working, I did
nothing, washed my hair, or went out for a
drink in Oldenburg. Now I do more or less
the same, although Maria, an Irish girl,
who replaced me at the cafe, comes to visit
me at the hotel and we go out with the
people who work at the cafe. The two German
men from Frankfurt are now back there and
the two Spanish men will be going back to
Spain. Some German girls, who Maria and I
did not like, joined us. They were what we
called tarts. The other day we chatted and
sang songs on the beach.

So 'Schuss' as everyone says here meaning

'Cheers', 'Alles gut', or 'All the best'.
It is only just over three weeks before I
return. 'The problem back again' thinks
Robert. Well no, this stay has put some
sense into my head.
Today I went to the beach having obtained a
'Kurcarte'. You must have a card like this
to go onto the beach. I did not have to pay
since I am a student. This saved me 80DM.
It is quite sunny here so I might even come
back with a tan.

Do not be angry with me PEACE! Please

forgive me for not writing,

All my love,

Rachel.

On Saturday, I was outside the Kurhaus well before eight in the

evening and I waited until well after nine. Ericht had stood me
up. I was angry. As Ericht had said, I would meet other men and
I had been asked by a couple of men to go for a day sightseeing
with each of them. They had both noticed me on the beach
lying stretched out in my bikini. They came up to me each on a
separate occasion. Both used a similar routine. Maybe they
knew each other, as they were both in the services.

If I remember correctly, one of them had said

“The sun is certainly shining on you. You look radiant. Are you
from around here I do not remember seeing you about.”

I said

“No, I am English. I am here on vacation?”

They both had asked

“Are you here with someone or are you alone?”

I had replied

“No I am here on my own.”

I think both of them commented something like

“You are an English girl alone abroad. Do you live up to the

reputation?”

I did not know what sort of reputation I was supposed they

thought I should have. I thought of myself as a good girl, and
that was what they wanted to know. I replied

“Of course, I do.”

They both offered to take me out on a day out sightseeing in

their cars. They seemed like decent men. So I asked for their
telephone numbers and I said I might call.

After I was stood up, I resolved to call them soon to accept their
offers. I would also call Ericht at work. I tried calling Ericht on
two separate days, but I could not make myself understood
when I got through to the employer. All I got was

“No, no, no, you cannot call”

Before I went on the two sightseeing days out, I met an

American man on the beach. He was travelling round Europe
stopping where he felt like it. I admired him for his confidence.
We played Frisbee on the beach and I did not see him again.

The first day out was with an ex-German soldier. He had a

hoarse voice because he had been shot in the throat. He took
me for the tour in his car. I did not really fancy him, I was going
out because I was annoyed with Ericht and Robert was still not
persona grata. I thought I had made that clear to both men that
I only wanted to see some local attractions, nothing else. It was
hardly a spectacular day out. We went for a walk on a beach. He
did most of the talking, telling me about his life. We sat down in
a beach hut, and then he started to kiss me. Almost
immediately, he put his hand up my skirt. I thought he was a bit
cheeky and before he had a chance to do anything I got up and
walked back to the car. I thought his idea of a sightseeing day
out was probably the sight of me naked, and sex, no thanks. I
was wise to such men now. In the car he said

“You have wasted my time. You misled me.”

I replied indignantly,

“I did not mislead you; it was you who misled me. Now please
take me home.”

My second day out, which I hoped would be better and not end
the same way, was with a man from the German airforce. He
was in active service and had to wear his uniform. I liked men in
uniform. I wore trousers on this occasion after my last
experience. He really did take me for a good sightseeing day out
in his car and he insisted on buying me a meal. It was a pleasant
day and I think we enjoyed each other’s company and I was
interested to hear about his life. On the way back, he stopped
the car in a lay-by. I suppose I had expected this. Men cannot
just be friends. I had only one beer with the meal so my
reactions would be quick. When he started to kiss me, I did not
mind too much. Then he put his hands between my legs. Since I
was wearing trousers and I felt that I owed him something for
the day out and buying my meal I decided not to object but I
was now on high alert. Unfortunately, he had to ruin everything
as he started to unzip my trousers. I grabbed his hand, moving it
away from me and said
“I am sorry but I cannot handle another boyfriend. I already
have two. One here in Germany and one back home in
Edinburgh. I am having enough trouble handling two I cannot
get involved with anyone else.”

He said in a disappointed

“I understand. When you told me you were alone, I did not

imagine you had a boyfriend here. It was my mistake. I know
what you are telling me and I respect you for that.”

I thought he had been perfectly reasonable about the situation.

I planned another visit to Oldenburg. For the next few days, I

kept to a routine of going to the beach in the morning, having a
lazy afternoon washing my hair or clothes, or taking a bath. In
the evenings, I often would meet with Maria after she finished
work for a drink with others from the cafe, but I had to be
careful with my money now. I had to make it last. To save
money we often just walked and chatted.
 Chapter 9 I First Accept Romance Is Over

It was my seventh week here in Germany. I was in a happy

mood when I ran to catch the bus to Oldenburg; I was recalling
my first night in Germany and reminding myself of my feelings
for Ericht, which also brought my strong emotions back to me. I
also recalled the last meeting with him, and I thought about
some of the nice things Robert had written. My mind was filled
with so many thoughts and emotions that I missed the stop
early on, so I had to walk from the Oldenburg market to the
fairground, up Giddendorfen Weg, past the shop Eberhardt,
which led onto Danziger Strasse, then up Brerslauer Strasse
onto Ostendstrasse. I was disappointed to see his parents
walking up the steps to their apartment. If I had been fifteen
minutes earlier, they would have been out. I waited a little then
rushed up the stairs and rang the doorbell. His brother
answered, I asked if Ericht was there. His brother said

"He will be right out."

I hung out the window my heart beating fast, my emotions were

as strong as ever, and Ericht appeared. His face looked grey and
he wore his checked jacket and his brown shirt and he sat down
at the bottom of the steps going down to the landing before
another set of steps leading to the floor below and he repeated
what he had said last time, that he thought it was better that
we said

"Schluss"

He said,

"Rachel I think you are a very sweet girl."

Then he said,

"Scheisse ist es. My father thinks, I have taken advantage of

you."

Then I think he said he was confused and I said that I did not
think everything was as hopeless as he seemed to think. I did
not think he had taken advantage of me. I loved him.

As he spoke to me, he put his head against the wall as if to rest

it there. I said,

"Tell me, do you not love me?"

He said as usual

"Give me a week I will meet you outside your hotel at eight in

the evening on Monday."

I asked if he would really come, he replied

“Hundert prozent".

I said

"If you stand me up again I will leave at once."

He said,

"You are making this very hard for me."

I did not really say much just repeating it was not so hopeless. I
think I appeared stubborn and decisive. I said,

"When I decide to do something, I do it."

Well I sat there clear in my own mind what I wanted and no
difficulties, I had decided, were going to deter me. I had never
considered the difficulties.

I had apologised as soon as I saw Ericht for phoning his

employer and he said he would have to speak to his boss to set
things right. As we sat there I apologised for always coming
round to see him like a stupid idiot. Ericht told me to stop saying
these things because that had nothing to do with it. I remember
him saying these were only trivial matters. He said I was much
more intelligent than he was. I said that was not true. He said it
was. I said even if it was true it did not matter to me. Finally,
Ericht mentioned Robert and I should be thinking about him
because Robert was the one I really loved. After this, he went
back into his home.

As I spoke to Ericht tonight, I felt he was doing what he thought

was right and best but he found it very difficult to be honest
with me. I had thought he was confused, but maybe I was the
confused one and I assumed he was too. I also felt mixed up
inside and I thought he should be feeling the same. He looked
grey, exhausted by work and he had to work at eleven again
tonight so he must get some sleep since he had worked on
Sunday overnight too. I joked that I thought he had been out
drinking beer rather than working. I only meant to be playful
and I hoped he did not take it any other way.

Before he left, he lightly wrapped his arms around me and

lightly kissed me on my lips, his eyes were shut and his face
looked so sweet, friendly, and sincere, the greyness appearing
to lift. I held him much tighter than he held me and I tried to
kiss more passionately and extend the moment. Again, I
probably transferred my feelings to him and I thought he really
treasured the moment, but it was I, who treasured the moment.
He was just trying to let me go kindly. It was only a moment and
afterwards I lay my head on his shoulder my face touching his.
Although I was not crying, tears were not far away, although I
felt as if I was just acting a part.

After he went into his home, I stood near where we had both
been sitting in a daze, staring at his door, now shut. I felt like
this was a fantasy. Then I walked down to the ground floor and
out onto Ostlandstrasse. Out on the street, I looked back and his
father, mother, grandmother, and brother were at a window
watching me go. I do not know if I waved goodbye but Ericht
was not there. I was embarrassed. I hung my head low and
walked away in the direction of the market.

I took a taxi from the market in Oldenburg to Heiligenhafen. The

taxi driver asked for thirteen Deutschmark I thought this was
too much but the taxi driver said it was cheap and he must have
driven faster. I did not know what to think I was too stunned. I
remember asking Ericht if he was angry with me and he said no,
and I had replied I was not angry either.

The next morning I cried a few crocodile tears. The fact that
Ericht had said if I had been staying, he would have married me,
if necessary, made me feel sad, although I did not understand
exactly what he meant by necessary. I went for a wander down
the beach to the harbour where the tour boats were. Reality
was setting in. This was just a summer romance, which was now
ending. I had played my role with all my heart and it had revived
my self-respect and my physical and mental wellbeing.
However, if it had been a summer romance it could not have
been true love so I had broken my rules by sleeping with Ericht.
I decided to stick to the story that it was true love.
I had been receiving a large amount of mail from Robert. He
was clearly missing me but some of his letters were angry
because I would not tell him about what I was doing at night. It
was time to write to him again.

Dear Robert,

Monday

I have read another two letters of yours. I

have received three letters from you in the
last two or three days. Two have made me
feel mean and miserable and one I have
enjoyed. I can understand how you feel and
quite honestly, I do feel mean and guilty
at this end. I have not written partly
because I have a lot going on in my life
here and life is interesting. When the sun
is out, I feel tempted to sprawl out on the
beach in the bikini you bought me last
year. By the way, all my spots have almost
gone and I have a slight suntan. It has not
peeled so I might come back quite brown. I
do not write partly because I know I will
have to explain what I do in the evenings
and whatever I say you will read everything
into my words.

Yes, I have been out at night in a group

with a few German men, two German girls,
and two Spanish men but when I am with
them, we have a genuine good time. One
evening, Maria and I had a barbecue on the
beach with lots of beer and good food. The
Germans sang songs in German but also
English songs that I knew and Maria sang
Irish songs. I have also been out for a
drink with a man called Ericht Neumann. He
was Karen's former fiancé. When I go out
with these men, we drink and talk. Do not
read anything more into it. Franz was
helpful when I was working. Ericht said
Herr Blum was only interested in money. I
could talk easily to Ericht about all my
problems and about my work and the Hass
family. So I have seen Ericht a little
although most of the time he is either
working or out elsewhere. I am lucky if I
catch him in. I have met two other German
men.

I am so sorry if my letters have hurt you.

I hope you feel better now that I have
given you some of the details. I enjoy
receiving your letters at least the
friendly ones. The unfriendly ones pain me.
I think it is good that you have written so
much but please do not send any more angry
ones. They make me feel bad but also I feel
less of you. A person must have individual
freedom and I am not going to go into more
detail than I have. Accept this and I will
respect you more. For God's sake, forget
Tom and that night in my bedroom! Am I to
have that cast up to me for the rest of my
life? Relax and do not worry, I am sensible
now and I know exactly what I am doing.
When I go out with men here I am not
forgetful of you in Edinburgh, so please,
thank you for the sweet letters and let us
forget the rest.

All my love,

Rachel.

PS I will return on September the first and

I cannot visit Heiligenhafen every day so I
need the extra time to go to Heiligenhafen
as much as I can and speak as much German
there as I can.

Shortly after, I sent Robert a picture postcard.

Dear Robert

Picture Postcard of Heiligenhafen

Tuesday

I thought you should have an idea of what

Heiligenhafen looks like. Thank you for all
your letters. I have visited Kiel a few
places. Have you heard Santana? They are
good. Look forward to seeing you soon. It
is not long now.

Love

Rachel.

I was now mostly trying to avoid men. I had almost had enough
of all of them so I went to a more remote section of the beach.
Robert was still sending a large number of letters. One in
particular annoyed me. I was writing to him about every ten
days now. I decided it was time to tell the truth. I would admit
to having sex but making my statement obscure and open to
interpretation so that he might miss it. However, my conscience
would be clear. I would also tell him about the other men; I did
not expect to meet anyone else. This is what I wrote

Dear Robert,

Sunday

I think you are right to be annoyed I have

not written. Frankly, I want to make the
most of every day here; I can always tell
you more when I return. I think it was very
malicious of you to ask, "What do you do
hotel room at night? - I suppose you will
never say". I am very annoyed about that.

Here are some answers to your incessant

list of questions:

I have been on the beach with friends one

evening and I wore a jumper and trousers. I
spent the day on the beach with an American
man a week or two ago. I was wearing my
bikini. I like my bikini better than my old
bathing costume and I wanted to get a
suntan. I have had absolutely NO men in my
hotel room. You asked about the barbeque on
the beach. All that happened in the way
that you mean was kissing. I did spend time
kissing the cook from the cafe, but it was
only about 20 minutes. I kissed two men
goodbye. They have now left and the cook I
have just passed on the street but there is
nothing more sinister for you to read into
this. When I said, I felt guilty after
reading your letters I meant I felt guilty
about not writing. When I say I am more
sensible now after the Tom episode in my
bedroom, I mean that I would not be lead
astray like that. I am not so easily taken
in; I am more of an individualist now. Will
you stop talking as if I had a bad
reputation? I HATE that. Look Robert, I can
understand how you feel but you really
worry me, not because I feel guilty, but
because of the way, you want to know
everything. It is unfair of you not to
expect me to meet other men, talk to them,
and kiss them if I want to.

I think you do not disapprove of this

except possibly the kissing. You disapprove
of the sex side and this is more
reasonable. This has not played an
important part in my stay here. I met a
German who had a husky voice because he had
a bullet in the throat as a soldier. He was
a bit cheeky but I got up from the beach
hut where we were sitting and made my way
back to his car and asked him to take me
back to my hotel. This was early on after I
moved to the hotel. The same goes for a
member of the German air force. He had
taken me out in his car for the day and
stopped the car in a lay by. I would not
say he was cheeky because he had paid for
everything but he understood and was very
decent about it. I am not going to go into
precise details because the situations do
not warrant it.

I will tell you where I went with German

men, if you want, but I am not going into
any trivial details about anything else; my
nature forbids this. This has to stop NOW.
As a person, I need to feel that I have
some inner freedom. I worry about you
because you want to know all the details.
Last week I went on a large ship into “Die
Ostsee” with a man who was much older than
I am, but he invited me to go and I knew he
would have to leave Heiligenhafen in two
days at the latest so I went with him. We
drank wine and I ate most of a big bar of
chocolate. I was so hungry; I had not eaten
that much that day. I did not want him, to
buy me a meal. We enjoyed ourselves. It was
ridiculous; we touched Denmark for a moment
so we could buy more wine and cigarettes
cheaper.

Finally remember this - this is important.

My Lufthansa flight leaves Hamburg at 1600
hours (4pm) and my BA fight leaves London
at 2040 hours (8.40 pm). I will be in
Edinburgh at 10pm on September 1st. Will
you come to meet me at Edinburgh, Turnhouse
Airport?

Love,

Rachel
PS I would love to write something crazy
but inspiration has left me.

PPS you said you would feel embarrassed by

some of the sweet letters you have written
when I got back. Do not feel stupid and
embarrassed; it is not stupid to right in
this way.

The older man that took me on the ship had no sexual or

romantic intentions. I had met him while I was walking along
the promenade. I was sitting where Ericht and I had sat once
and he sat down beside me. He said

“You are not from these parts are you?”

I said

“No I am English.”

He confirmed

“I thought you were. Why are you here?”

I explained

“I am on vacation.”

“Have you been out on one of the ships that sail to Denmark? It
is a very pleasant trip.”

He continued. I explained again

“No I said I have a very tight budget. I probably could not afford
it.”
He said

“Well you have met the right person. I am employed by the

shipping line and I can get you a free passage if you sail with me
but I am only here until Monday and today is the only day I am
free. Would you like to come? I have some French wine we
could drink on the ship and some chocolate. Do not worry I am
not trying to seduce you but even a man of my age enjoys the
company of a young attractive woman, who is probably spoken
for in any case.”

He seemed honest and I accepted his offer. He was very

entertaining and made me laugh, one of the jovial older German
men. He restored some of my faith in men.

I regularly ate in one particular restaurant in the evening.

Sometimes Maria would come with me. I was on good speaking
terms with one of the waiters there and he always served me.
The food and drink were good and the prices were cheaper than
elsewhere. I fancied this particular waiter who was called
Dieter. He was not fat but slightly overweight and he wore
spectacles.

I had told him that I would like to take back a collection of beer
glasses because each German beer had its own distinctive beer
glass. They were all different shapes and some were very
attractive. He agreed to drive me around on one of his days off
before I left Germany only less than a week away and he would
help me make a collection.

So on this day off we set about collecting glasses. He

contributed three from his restaurant. We then set off in his car.
He knew waiters at other restaurants so it did not take long at
three glasses per restaurant to build up a collection of nine.
Once I had nine different glasses I told Dieter that I could not
carry anymore than nine glasses to Edinburgh. I asked to take
me back. Dieter said

“Glasses are not free Rachel. You have to pay for them. We
have to take a detour.”

I knew what payment meant. I hoped they were in my price

range, ten to twenty minute kissing, nothing more. He drove
out of town then he stopped near a grassy hill. I knew this was
payment time. I fancied him, so a kiss and a cuddle seemed
enticing. I did not love him so anything more was out of the
question. He turned out to be a bit fresh. We were lying on the
grass kissing, which I could afford, but then I heard him open
the zip on his trousers and he pulled something down. Next, he
placed one of my hands where his zip should have been. Initially
I was amused and thought

“Are all German men small?”

The price was too expensive but I did not want to appear mean
and at least he was not trying to molest me. I left my hand
where he placed but did not move my hand. He became
impatient and tried to get me to do what he desired, which I
think was full sex. I refused and there was a minor struggle
where I broke his watchstrap. I got up and said

“I am sorry I will buy you a new one when I get home and send
it to you at work.”

He said

“Do not bother.”

I did not like the way he said that, but I was going to send him a
strap on principal. I knew where he worked so I did not need his
address. I walked to the car adjusting my clothing, while he
made himself respectable, and then he drove me back home. I
would have to choose a different restaurant for my few
remaining meals.

I was beginning to realise that in the real world many men are
after only one thing. I thought about Ericht. I could now see that
relationship effectively ended once Ericht had sex. In my
experience, everyman I had known apart from Robert had been
after sex at the earliest opportunity possible. I had made Robert
wait for two years and there had been numerous opportunities
for him to take advantage of me but he never did. We had even
lain naked in my bed or in a field. Robert was excited, and
Robert was large, not like these German men and my friend
Tom of my bedroom. Robert did not attempt anything at all,
until I gave him my permission. My friend Kate had lost her
virginity very early and she could not understand why I waited
so long.

I realised now that Robert did care for me but he was still
insanely jealous. He was still bringing up the night with Tom in
my bedroom. What I had happened here in Germany he would
consider much worse. I did not know if I would even see him at
the airport on my return after my last letter to him. I decided
that even although he cared and did claim to love me, his
jealousy would still be unbearable, as would his anger when he
learned I had slept with Ericht.

Although I still wanted to believe I had been in love with Ericht,

it had never been a proper relationship, so there was no need
for a proper breakup. Ericht never showed up at my hotel. I had
not expected him to turn up. He had stood me up again. He
seemed be unable just to say

“I do not love you Rachel and never did. I only wanted sex.”

Instead, he chickened out and said he would meet me in a

week. Appointments he had no intention of keeping. As for
most of the others, love did not even enter into it. They tried to
get straight into my panties or have me go straight into their
pants. As I had said to Robert in one of my letters this time over
hear had put a lot of sense in my head. I decided that I would
only go back to Robert if he was prepared to treat me properly,
and if I told Robert about sleeping with Ericht he had to take it
like a man. He had also to accept that I had done nothing wrong
while I was here. Finally, I had to be convinced he had both
missed me and loved me. I did not expect him to meet these
conditions.

I was well rested for my five weeks in my hotel. My experiences

with other men had not been quite what I had expected or
really wanted, I had only ever wanted friendship, maybe a kiss,
and a cuddle. The work and the travelling to Oldenburg had
been exhausting. I must have spent a fortune on bus fares. My
time at the hotel had been much more relaxing. I suppose I had
not used my time very productively and it was really a waste of
my time and my parents’ money. It had not really been true that
my life had been interesting. I was just saying that to Robert as
an excuse for not coming back earlier. If he or my parents had
found out that, I was just lounging about being lazy, I would
have been ordered to come back immediately. For my last few
days in Heiligenhafen, I prepared myself mentally for yet more
firsts.
I was possibly going to breakup with my first love. I was
certainly going fail my examinations and thus fail to continue in
my first choice University course. This in turn made my official
reason for my first trip abroad alone redundant. I would
eventually feel that I had made a first class fool of myself with
Ericht.

The first thing I had to do was decide if Robert could meet most
of my criteria, and whether and if our relationship could be
repaired. My examinations were a lost cause. I decided before I
returned I would reread all of Robert’s letters, ignoring the
anger and looking for signs or real love, care and forgiveness.

When I finished this task, I was pleased to feel a first new ray of
hope. I decided to play it very cool when I first got home,
however. It is every girl’s privilege to do so. At least, that was
the first thing I should have learnt from this trip abroad. I was
nowhere near as anxious about my return journey either. I felt
strong and my problems at home had returned to appear quite
manageable.

Chapter 10 My First Night Home

My journey home went exactly to plan. I did not need to seek

help from my fellow passengers, so I did not chat much. Robert
and my parents were all waiting to see me and thought I looked
healthy and well. However, I could not say the same about
Robert. He looked tired and sad. My mother whispered to me

“Young Robert has been really unhappy without you. He has

missed you dreadfully. He has been round many times asking
for news about you. He has phoned us once a week. You had
better not tell him about the boy you chased after. Robert
would be terribly hurt.”

For the first time I realised how badly I had treated Robert. I
thought that I really had paid him back for the pain he had
caused me and then heaped on as much again. It was too late
not to tell in about Ericht. Yet I thought I only felt sorrow for
him not love.

Given my last letter to Robert, and some of his letters to me, I

could not think of anything to say to him. He did not speak to
me either, understandably. I wanted to spend the next day
buying a picture postcard for Ericht and a watchstrap for Dieter.
I obviously did not want Robert with me. I still wanted my
space. Robert pleaded and I gave in, as he was almost in tears.
Next morning he came round looking less tired. We went into
town and first I did some of my shopping. Then we went into
the gardens and lay down in the sun on the grass. Robert had
kissed me twice last night and I had refused to move my lips
each time. They were colder kisses than I would have had with
just a friend like Kurt. I just did not know what he was thinking
and this numbed me.

Robert was kissing me again in the gardens. My mother had told

me more this morning about what Robert had done for me over
the summer. He had been deeply worried about me until he
received my first letter. She told me off for not getting him a
birthday card and she told me he had spent his birthday alone. I
was told off for not writing to him enough and for chasing after
Ericht instead. My mother had told me he might have his
problems, but Robert cared for me and enjoyed my
companionship. This morning I felt I could at least treat him as a
good friend so I kissed him as a friend. I still did not seem to feel
love.

I was surprised by my body’s reaction to this kissing with

Robert’s body pressing against me. My body was telling me one
thing my mind another. I began to enjoy kissing him, he was
somehow able to send electricity through my body that I never
experienced with anyone else. He told me I looked even more
beautiful than he had remembered. That intensified my bodies’
reactions. There had always been a strong element of basic
chemistry between Robert and me. It was as strong as ever. My
body wanted to devour him but my heart was still locked away
out of his reach. Robert asked, after a while

“Did you fall in love with Ericht?

I said I had. He then asked

“Did you sleep with Ericht?”

I lied and said no, there was never an opportunity. I could tell he
did not believe me. We talked for a while then asked me the
same question again. I lied a second time. We lay quietly for a
while and then Robert asked

“Did Ericht ever ask you to sleep with him?”

I said yes, only once. Robert said

“You did sleep with him then?”

I admitted

“Yes just once at his parents apartment.”

I had to admire the way he had handled this. There was no sign
of anger; in fact, he seemed relieved, he even smiled as if he
was happy for me. He then asked about Dieter and the
watchstrap and I summarised what it seemed fair he should
know, which was just that it broke while he and I were kissing.
He seemed to accept that for now.

Well I admired Robert for the way he handled that. I was sure I
still did not feel love but two locks on the door to my heart were
open. The third lock was still closed. I had felt desire and that
was at least a first step.

That afternoon we went for a walk in some woods near my

home. We arrived at spot where we had made love or had sex
in the past. My body and mind were still playing their tug of
war. We lay down and kissed. My body wanted him to strip me
naked and take me in the open air for all to see. My mind said

“No, I am not ready for this. It is too soon.”

Robert never said anything but more importantly neither did I.

He started to strip me naked slowly, kissing every part of bare
skin he uncovered. He was sensually caressing my skin with his
hands. When I was naked, he opened my legs, and kissed and
caressed my womanhood. My body was in ecstasy, while my
brain thought

“I have done this many times with Robert, once more does not
make much difference.”

The Robert stood up and took off his clothes. I watched him do
this with great joy and no embarrassment. His body was slim
but he looked so manly and I remembered why I fancied him.
Soon he revealed his beautiful manhood. I had forgotten how
good it looked. He put on a condom and my body begged for
him.

There was a long log in front of us, which, with the tall grass,
provided some privacy from the path. I opened my legs really,
wide for Robert, pulling them back to reveal all of my
womanhood to him as I had always done. I knew he liked this.
He lay down and I really knew when Robert was inside me. As
usual, the whole experience was wonderful. Robert asked

“How did that compare with Ericht?”

I replied

“Robert, that was much better than with Ericht, but it was too
early for me. I do not know if love you anymore. I need to know
that you can treat me properly, with respect, and kindness. If
you cannot do this, I will leave you forever. These are some of
the things I loved about Ericht.”

Robert replied

“Rachel, I have learnt a great deal from the last two months.
The first and most important is that I do sincerely love you. I
have also learnt that I miss you intensely when you are away.
You have also taught me a very important lesson. If I do not
treat you well there are many other men just waiting to step
into my shoes. It has reminded me of how beautiful you are and
you have come back with a new confidence about you I find
attractive. I really admire you for what you have done this
summer.

Before you left, I kept telling myself that if I continued as I was

you would leave me and you are now being open with me about
this. I only wish that you had told me straight before you left.
One of the reasons why I did not seem to care was a Catch
Twenty Two situation. Our relationship was on the down. This
made me worry that you would not be faithful in Germany. I
know that you hide such thoughts from me. In turn to protect
myself from being hurt I pretended that I did not care. This
made our relationship even worse and in the end, I convinced
both of us that this was true. I also had plans to meet other
girls, but my plans fell through. Then I was worried what had
happened to you, then angry because I knew something was
going on.

In fact, it was the Saturday after my birthday. I had thoughts of

you in bed with someone else. Your parents and I were in close
contact. On my birthday, they called to wish me a happy
birthday. They said that Kate had heard you were safe. Neither
your parents nor I had received a letter. It was easy to figure out
that you had met someone and I suppose I just guessed that the
second Saturday would be when he would ask to sleep with
you. I am sorry for all the angry letters but you did not
understand that I knew, yet you would not confirm or deny it.
The fact that you did not deny it only convinced me more as did
some of the errors you made in letters. Finally, what you missed
out in your letters was in fact more informative than what you
wrote.

I know you were trying not to hurt me; you in fact were very
cruel to me by not being open. My imagination was much worse
than reality.

Rachel, I will be more respectful, kind, and caring but I do ask

one thing from you. Always be open with me and stop keeping
these secret private thoughts to yourself. Good communication
is at the heart of a good relationship. There is no room for
secrets, secret plans, or hidden solemn vows. There is no room
for clandestine blind dates like before you left. I have to say that
over the years I have known you, there were several occasions,
as you know where you have been with other men and tried to
keep it completely or partially secret from me. If you ever do
this again, I will leave you immediately. I have not yet forgiven
you for these two months and I do not know when I will, but as
with Tom you know I will never forget.”

I thought about what Robert told me. He seemed to have given

our relationship considerable thought, and he was going to
make an effort. I was amazed by his powers of deduction. I
never thought he could have worked out what I was up to
before I even wrote to him. I thought my letters hid the truth
well. I never thought that not sending him his first letter sooner
said everything in itself. I could never compete with his
intelligence. It was true I did keep secrets and it was no wonder
he did not trust me. I was devil for trying to have my cake and
eat it at the same time. I think I inherited this from my mother
who played my father off against two other boyfriends before
settling on my father. She was a devil too. I accepted he would
never forget. I said

“Robert I accept everything you say and I am prepared to give

our relationship a second chance. Damn it you still are able to
make me feel so damn sexy when we have sex. I could not say
that before. By the way, the sex with Ericht was hopeless; he did
nothing for me, and he was in and out, before I knew what
happened. All he said was

‘That was no good for me.’

In addition, he had a tiny one. I am ashamed to say that
probably I only had a summer romance. It was not true love.
The only night I will remember was the night I arrived when
everything was new, exciting, and romantic. I made a fool of
myself really. There is really nothing for you to worry about.”

Robert said

“I will take you out tomorrow night. While you sit your
examinations, I am off to Paris on my own for a two week
vacation. I will see you when I return.”

This news stunned me. I suddenly realised how Robert must

have felt before I left. I was also jealous. I had always wanted to
go to Paris.
 Chapter 11 My First/Last Public Striptease

The next evening Robert took me into town. In those days,

there was nothing open in Scotland on a Sunday except bars in
hotels. We went to a bar in a hotel and Robert bought drinks.
He bought himself his favourite beer and he bought me a
Carlsberg Special Brew. Robert was trying very hard to impress
me, which was lovely. We chatted about what we had both
been done over the summer. I told him about the mule and
other funny stories. He told me about how he caused a
Professor to be called in to fix something that Robert had made
that had failed. Then how he had almost electrocuted himself
by poking around in some equipment with his mind on me
rather than what he was doing. He also told me about a night in
a pub with a friend. He had been discussing sex and me. His
friend pointed out three girls that had been looking at Robert all
night. His friend had said

“Those three girls over there, fancy you like hell. Instead of
worrying who Rachel is sleeping with, get together with those
girls. One of them will definitely have sex with you. You might
get lucky and have a foursome. I did warn you that if you did not
go with Rachel to Germany she would end up sleeping with one
or more men. She is very attractive and desirable. She was going
to attract a lot of attention, being a young sexually active
woman.”

Robert had replied

“No I cannot do that. Firstly, I am too depressed and secondly,

how can I expect her to behave properly if I do not set a good
example?”
I felt very touched by that and I felt bad. The beer was going to
my head and they were playing Beatles music. I was wearing my
Hot Pants suit, which showed off all of my brown legs. I was
moving my arms, my chest, and head to the music. A man at the
bar shouted jokingly

“Are you the exotic dancer that we ordered? It is not about time
your show started?”

Then he laughed. Robert suggested that I do some dancing.

There was a little stage. The beer had been quite strong so I
thought I would dance. I enjoyed dancing. The suit I was
wearing was one piece with zip from my neck to the top of my
panties. Robert suggested I go to the ladies’, take off my bra
and put it into my hand bag. He said

“Then you will be able to tease them by unzipping the zip. You
do not have to show anything but a glimpse of bare flesh with
the zip open about an inch will drive them wild.”

I replied

“They will not get excited about the possibility of seeing my

breasts, they are too small.”

Robert said

“Are you willing to bet on this?”

I joked

“You know I do not bet but I want to prove you wrong, know
all!”
Robert went off to buy another round of drinks, while I went to
take off my bra. He bought me the same again. I took a few big
swigs for courage and Robert took me up to the stage and
introduced me

“Ladies and Gentlemen, from Hamburg I bring you no less than

the gorgeous Fraulein Raquel.”

Robert walked back to his seat while I took a bow to a good

applause. I started my usual sort of dancing to a few cat
whistles and cheers. I tried to be as sexy as I could. Suddenly, a
bright spotlight was shining on me and the barman waved.
There was a huge cheer from the men. When the music stopped
there was an enormous applause and shouting asking for more.

I looked at Robert. He smiled at me and blew me a kiss. During

the next song, one of my favourites, I relaxed and let myself go.
I could feel the men’s eyes on me all desirous of my body, and I
loved it. I was the centre of attention in a room full of men. I
could only have dared do this with Robert here. I danced even
more sexily. From the cat whistles and general cheering, they
were lapping it up. When I finished the dance there was the
biggest applause yet partly because the audience had doubled
and many newcomers were women.

Robert brought me my beer and said I was brilliant and he was

enjoying this intensely. He gave me a huge kiss and we received
applause for that too. I was ready to test Robert’s theory.
During the next song, I sexily unzipped my Hot Pants revealing
just an inch of bare flesh all the way down. Robert was proved
correct, as usual, and the audience went wild. I could even here
women calling for more. The special beer had gone to my head.
I was becoming very sexually turned on by all the men and the
excitement. I was feeling even more daring. The next song was a
Rolling stones number that was great for expressive dancing. I
finished my beer and decided to take this all the way. I was
quite drunk now and I was thinking of the time when Robert
had dared me to go out in my garden in the nude. He was
surprised when I did.

I danced vibrantly, yet sexually and unzipped my front again.

They lapped this up. Then I sexily and quickly flashed one breast
then just as quickly the other. The audience was ecstatic. I
looked at Robert, smiling. He had his thumbs up. He mouthed
something that had the vowels A in the first word, with U in the
second. It could have been ‘dare you’. With this second
challenge, I pulled my suit open at the top. Both my tiny breasts
were naked for a minute, before I finished this dance, covered
up my breasts up again, and pulled my zip up to where I
normally wore it. I never wore it fully zipped up but left aa
plunging neckline. There was an absolutely, massive applause,
and I felt sexually excited, mentally excited, with a feeling that I
had complete power over the audience, particularly the men.
Since then I have had no embarrassment about my breasts. I
also decided to stop wearing my bra and let my nipples show
like Maria. I now understood how she felt.

I had never believed my body could have such power. Robert

rushed up with my coat and held it behind me with my back to
the audience. Robert said

“Ladies and Gentlemen, Fraulein Raquel has enjoyed

entertaining you. The spotlight was turned off and barman
called Robert over. There had been a collection for me and the
barman handed it over, adding ten pounds from the till. Robert
took the money then took me to a dark area and said
“Take off all your clothes and while I screen you with your coat.
I will then help you put on your coat and button it up so you are
respectable.”

Following my master’s instructions, I pulled down my zip; let my

suit drop to the floor with my panties, but only Robert could see
my nakedness. He slipped on and buttoned up my coat. I was
decent again. The applause had died down; no one was paying
much attention to us now. Robert had his coat on, picked up my
Hot Pants suit and panties, which he put in some large
polythene bag and handed me my handbag. He said with a huge
smile on his face

“You know there must be fifty quid here showing me the money
for the first time. I think we better make a quick and quiet exit,
and catch a bus home. I have taken some clothes off; I am only
wearing trousers with no pants under my coat.”

I replied

“You are so damn sexy and you have made me very hot tonight
with this dare. You win the bet and I am not embarrassed about
my breasts now. I want you to keep the money because I know I
was cruel to you this summer. It is going to be exciting on the
bus, naked under my coat. I can see you are excited from here!”

We ran to catch a bus home. With all the exercise and special
beer, I still did not feel cold. We sat on the top deck in the
farthest back row of the bus as usual. I turned to Robert and
gave him a long passionate kiss. Then, since we could not easily
be seen, I unzipped his trousers and pulled out his large excited
manhood. Since I was now below the seat back level, Robert
unbuttoned my coat, and massaged my breasts sensually with
one hand while his other hand found my woman hood.
Afterwards, I still felt in need of more.

We soon arrived at my bus stop that was also the end of the
route. We knew from experience that the busses wait here for
fifteen minutes. The drivers would leave the doors open and go
into the hotel, for some refreshment, a smoke, and the toilets. .
We repeated our antics for a second time. We had not said a
word to each other since we left the hotel. We had known each
other long enough not to need words at times.

We made ourselves decent and left the bus. Walking back to my

house, Robert said

“You were sensational, sensual and sexy dancing tonight. I

never expected you to go so far though but I am not jealous or
angry. I enjoyed seeing you dance and seeing you driving the
men crazy.”

I said

“I do not know what got into me. That beer is very strong so
that started me off. Then it just made me feel so sexual and I
realised how much power I had. I think I just continued on a
power trip. I will not forget tonight, nor will I ever repeat it. It
would never have happened without you there. Firstly, you
were my protection and secondly, there is some sort of
chemistry between us that makes me feel very sexy with you. I
have to go through with your dares.”

When we arrived at my gate, Robert gave me a long passionate

kiss. It was dark. My parents had gone to bed. I said

“I want you to come in, for coffee as they say.”

I sneaked Robert into my bedroom. It reminded me of the night
with Tom but this time I was going to consummate the start of
my new trial relationship with Robert. I was not tired and
stressed about awaking my parents, although I was a little
drunk. I only felt lust with a glimmer of love at present for
Robert but I had already broken my rules with Robert. However,
there were just some early signs of emotion. We had fantastic
sex and I loved the feel of him in me. Afterwards, I wished him
well on his holiday and he said he would see me in about three
weeks. I sneaked him out of my house.

With that, I went to bed to sleep. I found myself remembering

all the nice things Robert had said tonight. I suddenly realised
that tonight Robert had at last removed all my worst negative
body image belief I had about myself. I now felt positive about
all of my body and I had to thank him for that. The thought
passed through my mind that if University was too hard maybe I
could be a dancer; but the dancing idea was a non-starter. I
knew that your health and body peaked around age sixteen and
I was already on the down ward slope. Then I relived some of
my dancing and I drifted to sleep.
 Chapter 11 Robert’s First Trip Abroad

Next day I started to do some work for my examinations but it

was pointless. I sat the examinations and knew I would fail
again. I was surprised to receive two picture postcards from
Robert. After my last examination, I wrote this letter to him.

Dear Robert,

It came as a surprise that you had so

quickly arranged two weeks in Paris. I was
jealous. Thank you for your two postcards
you sent me. Mum has been quite surprised.
When the first one arrived very soon after
you left she said to me

"I'd see you in hell first before writing

to you!"

Well, everything seems to be okay as

regards accommodation. Do you like Paris as
a city? Have you seen the Moulin Rouge?
Have you eaten any special French food? I
will be very interested to hear all about
it.

Have you made any French friends yet? You

mentioned you had gone into Paris with two
Scottish girls one of whom knew of me from
University. Was it the blonde attractive
one, who is in my class? I think I know
whom you mean.

I have finished my exams. I called into the

Rob's little shop on my way back from
Kate's house. I had brought Kate a candle
from Germany. I never saw it as phallic but
Kate's boyfriend did and roared with
laughter, which made me embarrassed. The
Rob's licensed grocer is open until late.
Stuart was serving; he is the Rob's son. I
have told you about him before. Mum always
tries to pair us up. I did not go there to
buy any drink for myself; Mum wanted a
bottle of wine for a dinner party. Stuart
offered me a drink, anything you want he
said. I saw the Carlsberg Special and he
poured in into a glass for me. I stayed
there for just over an hour after he shut
up shop. His parents were out so he was in
charge. He was going to Norway the day
after. He now has a beard that makes him
look manlier.

I felt very strange the day after you left

and I would have liked to be going too.

What is French wine like? I would like to

try some wine. Anyway, Robert, have
yourself a lovely time and enjoy yourself -
you deserve it. Look after yourself. Do not
be arrested by les agents de police - they
can be nasty (joke). I will try to be at
Waverly station at 6.22 am somehow on the
day you return,

Love

Rachel
I had called up Robert’s parents to ask when and where Robert
returned. His father offered to pick me up early to fetch Robert
from the rail station. Robert had flown out from Edinburgh but
was flying back to London, and then taking the overnight train
from London to Edinburgh.

I still had not felt much emotion with Robert on the Sunday
night we spent in town before he left for Paris. He was making a
huge effort to win me back and I was impressed. I had felt I
should have made an effort as well but my heart was still in
Heiligenhafen. However, the evening was even more exciting
than my first night in Germany and I suppose every bit as
dangerous. I had noticed some signs that my heart was
softening towards Robert. To suppress this I had put most of my
effort into my dancing. Once I absorbed the fact that it would
be three weeks before I saw him again, I felt my emotions begin
to grow stronger day by day and I realised I wanted him more
and more. My love for him had returned but it was not an
infatuation. I felt a much deeper love for him in which I realised
that he was not perfect but that did not seem to matter so
much anymore. I could appreciate him for his good qualities and
forgive the rest. I was excited but I was not living in any fantasy.
I knew this was the real thing because I knew it would require
effort from both of us. As Dieter had said glasses were not free
nor was a good relationship, the latter required effort from both
parties.

When I met Robert at the railway station, I ran up to him, kissed

him passionately, even with his father looking on. Then I
whispered in his ear

“I love you, and I now know this is true everlasting love.”

Robert smiled, put his arm round me, whispering back to my ear

“I now know I will love you forever.”

As we walked towards his father who had stayed back to give us

these moments together, I felt a warm glow in my heart. Ericht
had been correct, Robert was my true love, and Ericht had
taken advantage of me. As I had told him, I was not angry with
him. I had made a fool of myself. I was thinking sensibly for the
first time this year.