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Oppressive Attitudes: A Broader Perspective

As a product of the 80’s/90’s, I’ve always wondered why it is, that even in the 21st
century, that women aren’t recognized as having our own fears of commitment just as men do.
Being a divorcee in her early 40s, I was shocked as to how many people (men and women alike)
still assume that women are the ones who are desperate to find someone when we’re not in a
relationship, and when a breakup/divorce occurs, it’s somehow always the woman’s fault. How
come it is that we’ve been brainwashed into believing that keeping the relationship going always
falls on our shoulders?

I found myself exploring this aspect while I was still in the service and as I was going
through my divorce. Ten days after my divorce was final, I began dating someone. It was one of
those deals that just happened. At first, I enjoyed it but ended it after he made the mistake of
attacking my character. Besides, I could only take so much of his incessant “woe-is-me” attitude,
heavy drinking, and giving me grief that I’m going to be all alone if we don’t work this out.
Good riddance! Six weeks later, I met someone else. We have great conversational and
philosophical chemistry, but it only lasted two weeks after he realized I was 15 years his junior
and we had very different ideas of where we wanted to be in life.

Afterwards, I had taken over an entire year off of the dating scene. It’s not that I hadn’t
had plenty of offers-it was rather a matter of gaining a clearer picture of what I was looking for
out of life as a whole, as well as what my deal-breakers were. Several friends and I made a vision
board of everything we wished to have in our lives; be it a healthier, trimmer physique, a six-to-
seven-figure income, as well as the types of relationships we wanted in the future. I have one
friend in her early 50s who, while going through her divorce, was already worrying about how
she was going to meet her next husband; where she was going to meet him. Now, I’m no
psychologist or expert in the relationship field. But already having grown spiritually, the
observation I had made was that how she was going about it immediately had told me she was
nowhere near equipped to handle the issues that dating in one’s 40s/50s post-divorce posed. She,
like some of my other friends, was on one of those free online dating sites where for every
success story one hears, there are at least ten horror stories. While I certainly don’t take the view
that online dating is for losers who can’t meet people in person, I had decided from the very start
that online dating wasn’t an option for me. The issue I have with it is that there are too many X
factors. Life’s already complicated enough without having to deal with more extraneous factors
added to it. Statistics even show that the majority of people who use online dating are often
either married or in a committed relationship looking for some action on the side. Just as bad is
how many tend to use it as a way to compensate for their laziness to take that extra moment and
make the effort to improve themselves-especially their communication, interpersonal, and social
skills to the level needed to get out and meet people.

Another big source of irritation is that whenever someone-especially a woman- isn’t

dating, that it’s always assumed she’s looking and isn’t happy being solo. If she isn’t looking,
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she’s perceived as a lesbian or that something else is wrong with her. If she is actively looking,
she’s looked as clingy, desperate or an obsessed psycho-bitch. After my divorce and an
unhealthy relationship, I actually embraced my freedom and enjoyed time to myself. During my
13-month hiatus from dating, one man who was dating an acquaintance of mine couldn’t fathom
why, when I said in no uncertain terms, that dating wasn’t a priority for me. It’s called “I’m busy
with two jobs and a very active social life.” At the time, he would really have to be someone
who, in some way, would have had to spark my interest, and for a striking divorcee in her early
40s who’s also a Navy veteran, that takes a lot. On the plus side, assuming that attitude was a
way for me to be ahead of the game by weeding out who’s toxic from the rest of them who are
half-way decent and deserve at least one chance.

Following my no-dating hiatus, I started seeing someone, whom it clicked with, but the
long distance, his regular contact with an ex-girlfriend, and his love affair with Jack Daniels and
diet Coke drove a wedge between us from the beginning. Towards the end, he sent me an email
saying he needs time to himself. I replied, clearly stating that it works both ways, meaning I also
need time to myself. My first impression was that he got a DUI, which is one of my top three
deal-breakers. He was also one who avoided confrontations, which, at the time, was welcome
compared to the stupid macho bullshit of being with guys who wouldn’t hesitate to knock
someone’s teeth out if he even looked at me sideways. Yet, one who avoids confrontations tends
to avoid problems which could later fester if not dealt with from the start.

Then I meet up with someone with whom I’ve been exchanging emails and lengthy
phone conversations for nearly a month before we made a date. That was partially due to our
busy schedules, but for whatever reason, wasn’t able to follow through to make a date and
reschedule. I’d have had more respect for him had he told me I was too fat for his taste than not
being man enough to tell me he was having second thoughts. Later on, I find out he was into
drugs and had been high during several of our phone conversations. Some, including some of my
family, said that perhaps he didn’t feel the same way about me and that he was exploring his
options. That really roasted me, because that was like telling me that I didn’t have my options,
which, if anyone was to get to know me, was definitely not the case. I mean, what am I? Some
desperate pathetic broad who sits around waiting for him to call? Someone who doesn’t have her
own life and priorities as well? I don’t think so!

What is it about this modern world where women are still not recognized as capable f
making rational decisions; having a fulfilling life on their own as well as their options of who or
if they want to date? And when I had, in the past, made a statement asserting my options, there
were still those who’d see it fit to brand me as a slut or whore when they’re most likely the ones
with the least room to talk. Such attitudes were prevalent in the Navy, especially by the soldiers
and marines where it was nothing to hear “Navy whore-this; Navy whore-that”. Some of the
female sailors and women in the air force were sometimes referred to as “Marine mattresses.”
Even with crackdowns on sexual harassment after the Tailhook scandal, I, along with several
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other women, had survived a hostile environment. It wasn’t so much the blatantly lewd
comments or out-and-out profanities that were the most damaging. Nobody thought much of the
sailors, soldiers, and marines who conducted themselves in such a manner: They were viewed as
idiots and yahoos who didn’t know what they were talking about. Rather, it often took the more
subtle forms, like being passed up for advancement and being set up to look incompetent
regardless of previous excellent evaluations. Unfortunately, the way we survived was turning on
each other- becoming the aggressor-being the ones who gossiped about and called women who
cheated on their husbands or had numerous sexual partners sluts and whores. At one point, it had
gotten so bad that I would actually seek out those kind of men who think nothing of outright
bashing their exes and yelling obnoxious comments at the top of their lungs along the lines of
“oh that fucking whore” to such women who thought nothing of screwing married men or who
literally had slept with over half the command. Even worse, it was mostly the women who
assumed those attitudes, which made no sense to me until later when I learned that it was a form
of survival in a regimented man’s world. I was afraid to show any hint of femininity unless if I
was going on a date or a night out with my friends for fear of being perceived as being sexually
available or not taken seriously; often to those whose attention I least wanted to attract. It got to
the point that whenever a divorce occurred in a friend’s family or at my duty station, it was
almost always due to alcoholism or infidelity- there was always a “whore” involved. When my
marriage was falling apart, I had done what I could to work it out just so I wouldn’t have to
worry about my ex referring to me that way once it ended. It was only when I was able to slowly,
albeit painfully, let go of that twisted notion and stop fearing that my ex would refer to me in
such a manner, that I was able to go through with the divorce and move on to a new chapter in
my life.

Getting back to the creep who didn’t follow through to make a date, I had made it very
clear that the day’s going to come when I’m going to meet someone who is also interested in
wanting to get to know me as a person and will also realize I have a life as well. I even had fallen
back into an old pattern where I played the card of telling this jerk that I actually would have
been better off with a guy who outright bashes his ex; spelling out all the details of what exactly
I meant. In my eyes, I perceived such actions to be far more honest than sugarcoating half-truths.
At first, I found myself wondering if I, on a subconscious level, was still drawn to those kinds of
guys, but looking back, it was more of showing the jerk his true colors rather than actually
choosing men who have zero filters between their thoughts and what comes out of their mouths.

One notion that needs to be challenged is how women are often taught from the time that
they’re very young girls is that the boys/men are the ones who make the phone calls; the ones
who call all the shots and decide whether she’s just someone he’s having sex with or someone
whom he brings home to meet his family. If she agrees to sex on the first date, she’s a slut or
easy, and it’s automatically assumed she’s available to every male that comes her way. However,
what’s often overlooked is that it does not speak very highly of the men who will bring up or
push for sex on the first few dates. The other side of this issue that often gets neglected is that the
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man never appears to be the one under scrutiny for his past (except for maybe being in trouble
with the law) and that this works both ways-mainly that the woman also has the power and right
to decide whether or not the boy/man she’s dating or sleeping with is someone she would
consider bringing home to meet her mom and dad. During my wilder times in the service, I’ve
had my share of no-strings sex. Very often, the intense attraction and sex with those men was
great, but in most cases, those weren’t the kind of guys I’d have brought home to meet my
parents. At the time, settling down with someone wasn’t a priority.

Instead of trying to figure out or follow such ridiculous formulas such as when or how to
be on a date or in a relationship, at what point to have sex or what stage it’s in; a much broader
perspective needs to be taken that encompasses the whole picture. Anyone, male or female, who
is healthy in all facets of life, is more likely to have a positive self-image, take good care of
himself/herself is far less likely to engage in self-destructive behavior of any kind, be it drugs,
alcohol, or sexual promiscuity. Even if one has gone through a phase of any of those behaviors,
it’s usually short-lived after s/he comes to the realization that those are very unhealthy choices.
Outdated notions, like “no point in getting married unless you plan on having children”, or
“don’t give out too much information or ask too many questions, or you’ll scare him off,” need
to be challenged and broken free of if there is any hope of establishing a loving trusting
relationship that has lifelong/marriage potential. Open, honest communication early in the
relationship is essential to find out where the other stands and whether or both parties want to
continue together or decide that the value systems are different and part ways before more time
and energy are invested.

We also need to retrain our mindset and get past this false male/female notion regarding
how to act, be, and, in some cases, look a certain way in order to be considered “datable” or
“marriageable” as many self-help books and some aspects of the media have a tendency to
advocate. There needs to be a shift in consciousness where everyone learns how to look within
rather than externally for happiness and joy. It was only when I learned to embrace my own
essence and grow as an individual on all fronts when I finally met a great man with whom I’m
still with a year and a half later. Where it’s going to end up, only our Creator knows, but we’re
both enjoying each day as it comes.