Amanda
29
God is The True Quality of all desirable
things, and the worship of Him, on earth,
will always require the worship of other
things. 3 0 Perhaps you have heard that in
singing songs to Him, we are, in a sense,
worshiping music, and, sometimes, leaving
God out of it altogether. 3 1 Often, though, it
might be said that we worship God through
music; much like how we love God through
loving others. 3 2 I’ve heard that in the same
way some worship God through statues…
Well, I do believe that all things point to
God, but I don’t believe that God points
back. 3 3 Do you get this? Music will lead
you to God, but God won’t lead you to
music; you’ll have reached your destination.
34
We’re going up the ladder, remember?
Not back down.
God created all things a —all good
things—if it were not so, how could
anything praise Him as a “Good God”?
35
We worship God because we worship
something else. 36
We acknowledge, in
worship, not only that God is All-Valuable,
but that God is The Creator. 3 7 God’s value,
in our minds, comes from what we value,
and in the moment that we begin to value
Him more than it; affirming a deeper
understanding of Him. 3 8 We worry, “Oh, I
won’t be able to value [whatever] anymore,
if I truly value God more, and submit
[whatever] to Him.” 3 9 Submit means to put
under. We feel cheated: like putting our
toys back in our toy boxes, after playtime
has been snatched from us by a cruel
parent.
40
Sex is a toy we often can’t put down. I
wonder how full the churches might be on a
Sunday morning, if the sex drives of
everyone on earth were suddenly parked,
engines off, and keys thrown away. 41
I nothing to do with us understanding God.
remember being asked, “So, you want to
become a minister someday?” And in the
same breath, “So you’re going to wait until
you’re married to have sex?” 4 2 It’s like the
same question to people. They don’t want
to put God above sex. 43
But even sex
points to God. We become creators,
through sex; 4 4 we exercise our Image of The
Creator; we experience thrills so
pleasurable that we must proclaim that an
Awesome God is at work; He created it.
45
If sex were a person, Sex would go to
church. It would go to God; as would all
things, supposing they knew what they
were, and Who God Is. 46
Music, I am
8
particularly trying to stress, points to God.
No one in his or her right mind, and nothing
in all creation, would point to Music: 4 7 no
mountain is high, no valley is low, and no
river is wide, for the sake of Music. 4 8 When
we call anything “good”, we must
remember Who gave it that title in the first
place b .
49
Worship, then, is the submission of
good things. Worship is readjustment—it is
the raising up of certain pleasing things,
and the raising up of whom rose it c . 5 0 Your
parent gave you those toys which you
begrudgingly put away; and those toys
mean so much more to you, shine so much
greater, once you acknowledge who gave
them to you, and, in acknowledgment,
obediently put them away. 5 1 Sing a new
song d , sing a new song e , sing a new song f —
you liked this one?—Great!—You can stop
singing it, put it away, bring it back where
it belongs! 52
What you cherish is
temporary; whom you cherish is
everlasting g .
53
We all keep ideas of Who God Is, and
we will always have these images wrong.
Who can fathom God? He is his own and
only interpreter h . 5 4 Here is the difficult, yet
essential, lesson: Love God and He is here,
now; pursuit of God is a common religion,
but not a good one. 5 5 But someone will ask
“How can we love something we don’t
know?” And phrases will come to mind:
“To know him is to love him.” 5 6 If you seek
God you will find Him and love Him, but
confused people seek first to understand
Him. 5 7 He sows seeds of Love, and revisits
the plants which grow fruitful with love;
we love because He first loved us; we love
and He abides at the same time; it has
58
You see, now, why I question the benefit
of abstract thinking. Those who seek
understanding often make a god out of it;
they value it to the point of forsaking Its
Creator; which is, in itself, a forsaking of
understanding.
59
You will value things more, once you
value The Creator more than the things.
Essential to this—and particularly
important to the sceptical pessimist, or the
hopelessly depressed, which I find often
describes myself—is that we must value
a34 Genesis 1:1 b48 Genesis 1:31 c49 Genesis 8:21
d51 Psalm 33:3 e51 Psalm 96:1 f51 Psalm 98:1
g52 2 Corinthians 4:18 h53 Genesis 40:8
 9 Amanda
God’s creation. 60
We must enjoy life. Job
was stripped of everything he enjoyed, and
everything that made him capable of
enjoying a . 6 1 He was deprived of his children
and his health.
“The LORD gave and the LORD has
taken away; may the name of the LORD
be praised.”
62
I do not doubt that Job still worshiped
God, but even he affirms that he has long
had reason to worship Him; he has long
enjoyed his life. 6 3 Job maintained a firm
understanding of Who God Is. And yet,
“may the name of the LORD be praised.”
Why does he say this? 6 4 Why didn’t he say
“I will praise you, O Lord, among the
nations; I will sing of you among the
peoples” b ? Was it impossible to praise
God?
65
Suppose there was a human who was
tested, like Job. However, this person was
not granted a good life; only bad—
relentless testing. 6 6 Could this person praise
God? Though I don’t know, I strongly
doubt it. 6 7 Jesus said you can tell a tree by
its fruit c : if God could only dispense evil
fruits of torment and suffering, God would
neither be worshiped, nor would He be
deserving of worship. 68
Don’t think too
much on this, however; God is Good. We
feed on His good fruit, and declare that
God is Good. 69
This is the only viable
conclusion, because if He were not good,
not a person on earth could enjoy or value
anything. 70
Put that into the business
world: if God were not good, all economic
systems in the world would crash. 7 1 The
value of money is directly related to the
Goodness of God. You must learn to
sacrifice the lesser for the greater.
72
We get our value directly from God.
We are like mirrors; bright because He is
bright. You are a great beacon of light,
because you are a great mirror. 7 3 We need
Him; we live because He Lives, we love
because He Loves. All humanity is
parasitic.
Spiritual Gifts
Some people claim that they don’t
7 believe in God, arguing that He is not
perceivable. He cannot be touched, cannot
be heard, cannot be seen—how then could
He exist? 2 The same minds betray them.
Does not their thought smash their
argument? Against
3
unperceivable
existence, each mind prepares an equally
persuasive argument against its own
existence. 4
Thought pervades this world
untouched, unseen, unheard, and who can
then doubt that God exists? 5 There is a
level of existence beyond us that we are
aware of; it and He are there.
6
There is a strong sense in me that most
people who have birthdays are wrong; they
almost have to be. Somehow we believe we
are all right; all of us, somehow, different,
but nonetheless right. 7 I have this vision of
past civilizations, masses of people, each
having the idea that they are right, and
some (few) thinking exactly like me. 8 Well,
I think, if I oppose my own thinking—of
course knowing I’m not right—then I should
be getting somewhere different, somewhere
new, somewhere beneficial. 9 Of course, I
could settle for merely opposing the flow
of public opinion, but I especially enjoy
opposing those whom I esteem to be good
people, or wise people—the more spiteful
an idea, the more appealing to me.
10
Christ’s teachings often look backwards to
us; spite has always seemed favourable to
me for this reason. I’ve long told people
that my spiritual gift is spite.
11
When I thought about you, and how
good of a person you were, I wanted to
glorify you in my life; be your best friend,
visit often, and forsake the world for you.
12
Obviously, this was crazy; though I think
many people do such things, and would
have in my position. 1 3 My spite decided to
sacrifice you; say to myself, “Yes, she is
wonderful, but there is greater still.” That
sacrifice was an act of hope. 1 4 This was all
mental, of course; there wasn’t much to
see, other than a smile when thinking of
you.
15
I recall a terrible relationship I had
with a girl; everyone telling me to get out
of it, even me. But that was exactly why I
stayed in it. Crazy? 1 6 No, I don’t think so.
That was a brilliant experience. God was
there, so frequently conceivable, because
He was being attacked so forcefully. 1 7 I
was being brutalized physically, mentally,
and emotionally; I wanted out, and she was
dragging me down, and the worst parts of
me wanted to stay. 1 8 Not a single person
recommended me staying, and many
reprimanded me. 19
It was shortly after,
a60 Job 1,2 b64 Psalm 57:9 c67 Matthew 7:16
Amanda
while meditating and mulling over what to
do, that I had a revelation; it felt
tremendous; so much so that a shout burst
out at the emotional overspill. 2 0 All of my
doubts were silenced with my exclaiming
“NO”—No, I won’t leave her. 2 1 It was a bad
relationship for me, but it was the best
relationship she may have ever had; am I so
selfish; or demanding? 2 2 Another thought I
had was that everyone discouraged it—
everyone in that position would leave her—
how could I then leave her? 2 3 Imagine me
and her, and all of my advisors, in a room
together, and they, each one of them, leave
the room, because of her: do I leave the
room, also? 2 4 Must she be left alone until
she learns to be loveable?
25
I know, they were concerned for me;
not her. But I had far more to learn, and
far further to go for Christ. 2 6 I was not
given a spirit of timidity a . I’ve learned
firsthand, then, and so continue to affirm
now, that the spirit of love and of self-
discipline is all you need, both to maintain a
pure heart, and to nurture others’. 27
I to me that the principle of education is to
aimed to love her, and I struggled with her,
building much self-discipline, exercising
much power. 2 8 Mostly, though, you may
know, I cannot promote loneliness.
29
Self-discipline speaks to self-
forgetfulness. This is a great asset to our
joy, and in overcoming sin. 30
The self
speaks up often, demanding pleasures, and
we shut it up with self-discipline, nurturing
self-forgetfulness. 31
Forget yourself, and
look to others: love God, rely on God, do
not worry. This is such a hard teaching for
one who is constantly analyzing, like
myself. 3 2 Forget myself!? Forget anything!?
Perhaps forgetting is a form of sacrifice.
33
Letting go and letting God take care of
things: the ultimate sacrifice to some. Like
being in the passenger’s seat in a car:
34
sometimes I think I can control the car if I
pay attention for the driver, and pretend to
put on brakes when I think the driver
should; however, this doesn’t happen; the
car will be fine or a ball of fire without my
input; I can rest.
35
Most people think they are relatively
easy-going; that they are chilled, and laid
back. There is a fine line, I suppose.
36
Some people think they are forgetting
themselves by sucking back mass amounts
of alcohol—not quite. 3 7 This is not what I
mean: this is called indulging yourself; this
10
is listening intently to your own desires and
giving in. 3 8 I mean a place you don’t listen
to yourself; in fact, can’t hear yourself; you
don’t know your pleasures, and can’t lose
to them; you don’t know what you’re
missing, but you’re fully intent on what you
have. 3 9 You are simply not concerned with
your concerns. Who is? Who cares? Some
people like giving concerns to God by
worrying and then stopping; 4 0 why not just
forget it in the first place? Is it
inconceivable that God has and will take
care of you without your asking? 4 1 Do not,
however, make yourself out to be
independent of God. He was your
beginning and He will be your end. 4 2 Make
Him your reason for everything. He is
everything you’ve ever enjoyed, ever
valued, ever loved.
43
I did an economics exam last year and
it occurred to me that God knew all the
answers; I don’t equate God with education
most times; it felt strange to study for that
exam by reading the bible. 4 4 It’s ridiculous
teach best practices: that is, we are
informed how something has been done
well, and to imitate that; 4 5 education grows
only when someone has overcome what
education has taught. Essentially,
education lives because of its neglect. 4 6 We
are taught how to be Shakespeare, though
this was never what Shakespeare was
taught. 47
We are taught best practices:
Education teaches what education did not
teach. It is a pathetic leech; one that sucks
on such a one that it would have
reprimanded for not conforming. 4 8 And the
teachers and professors themselves are
peculiar: how can we be assured that the
best judges are those who have been
judged best?
49
Be careful of school: 90% of what it
teaches we probably need anti-venoms for.
50
In school, we are mercilessly trained and
ruthlessly educated—suffocated with a
massive wealth of knowledge which,
thankfully, can actually have some useful
application for the betterment of humanity.
51
Here’s the catch: Sadly, this is not the
intention of the vast majority of teachers;
they prefer know-how to wisdom.
52
Persuaded, the typical student applies this
knowledge to controlling the world, rather
than the self, and seeking money, rather
a26 2 Timothy 1:7
 11
than God, and squandering their lives,
rather than saving others. 5 3 Our minds are
opened only to conformity: we are taught
how to imitate. 54
Education can bring
freedom—the truth can set us free a —but
we are mockingly using truth to persuade
the rest of the world away from it; 5 5 like
the Pharisees who stood in the doorway,
keeping everyone out; even themselves b .
How deluded such a person must be! How
sad! 5 6 I’ve seen these eyes! I’ve seen such a
person—the educated prisoner; a bachelor
of wandering. 5 7 They do look lost. They do
so wish for something more than this c .
58
But they are under the belief that the
professors know all, and the collective
student body knows more than they do; 5 9 so
they better start acting smart. But acting
smart is very much like being stupid. Don’t
act smart, but focus intently; think
plentifully: it is your role as a human. 6 0 It is
when someone is trying harder to focus
that he or she blinks more frequently—my
dear, blink often.
Conclusions and Farewells
I don’t mean for any of these ideas to be
8 final; I mean, I’ve already stated that. I
don’t profess to know everything or
anything; 2 I’m only speculating: pushing at
the boundaries of thought to produce
something coherent; something that could
be true. 3 And for the meantime, I believe
some of this to be true. I didn’t always,
(some of it I didn’t believe until after I
wrote it) and I hope I won’t believe it in
the future; 4 I hope to be further perfected,
and not left alone in my ideas, not dwelling
in them, not being festered by them. 5 I
think most of these ideas are criticisms of
popular ideas, and I should like if these
ideas were not good in themselves, but
tools to protect you from bad ideas. 6 Like
a lesson in apologetics against the
headstrong. Like an abstraction against the
abstract. 7 However, not all of it is mere
contrary thinking: I put a lot of thought
into finding the origins of ideas, and the
original meanings of words; 8 etymology, I
believe, is incredibly important to
Christianity. I think Christians look back to
an extent, but not to the beginning. 9 Think
of the “old farts” in church who insist that
the minister wears a tie, for the sake of
tradition; they’re looking back a mere fifty
years, hardly two thousand. 1 0 But if Jesus
Amanda
d
wore a tie , I’ll shut up about that.
However, these are the kind of ideas we
11
need to silence; more importantly, these are
the kind of ideas we need to make sure we
aren’t reproducing. 12
Suppose in fifty
years, the youth want our ministers to
wear a tie, and we become the “old farts”
who insist that the minister should not
wear a tie; 1 3 thus, the circle continues and
the real issue was never actually destroyed.
e14
“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where
the Spirit of the Lord is, there is
freedom.”
This, then, should be the mission of the
church: to encourage freedom—can
freedom be freed? 15
Where there is no
freedom, there is no Spirit of the Lord;
where there is no freedom, there is no
Truth; there is no Helper, no Light. 1 6 Keep
the restrictive thought outside of church;
keep thoughts from latching on and
festering. 17
Every idea that obstructs
another should be disallowed and removed:
freedom cannot enable anything that
disables freedom. 18
There are many
temptations that seek to disable freedom in
you. Drinking uninhibits, but can be
addictive, and, consequently, inhibiting.
19
Every obstruction to oneself should come
from God or oneself, not from one’s peer;
let them take out their own planks f . Only
you and God know your heart. 2 0 I don’t
mean for you to exclude others; only, it is
for you to confess to them, not for them to
identify your sins; nor should you identify
others’. 2 1 Remember: do you value Christ?
Build up in others what is true g , and ignore
what is false.
22
I’m sorry again for writing such a
complicated, long-winded letter. Maybe it’s
for the best, in the end, but I worry that
I’m taking away from what we had, when
we wrote to each other. 2 3 I can’t stand
“the usual”. I must change and do
different things; 2 4 you’re important to me,
and I can’t write to you careless things.
25
I’ve wanted an epistle for a long time:
since I wondered what made the writers of
the New Testament so special—i.e. more
special.
26
I want good things for you. I am very
moved by you. I want that to be true for
a54 John 8:32 b55 Matthew 23:13 c57 2 Timothy 3:7
d10 TBA e14 2 Corinthians 3:17 f19 Matthew 7:5
g21 1 Corinthians 8:1
Amanda 12
the rest of our lives. 27
When I think back Heaven—The Spirit, The Truth f —The
on anyone whom I was attracted to, boy or Kingdom Never Far g —The Life No Longer
girl, it has always seemed to be someone After h .
who had a heart for God; in one way or 49
Thanks for reading Amanda; you’ll
another, I saw God in them. 2 8 God’s not probably be the only person who would
dead, and God’s hardly irrelevant. 29
We read such a book for me. 5 0 That alone is
exist: here is something instead of nothing; worthy of all the time I spent in writing it.
here is thought and ideas beyond And that alone is the reason I write it.
comprehension; 3 0 here is order and laws and 51i
science instead of randomness; here is “Turn away from godless chatter and
growth and ideals and passion. 3 1 Life is the opposing ideas of what is falsely
huge, and people ignore it for drama, called knowledge, which some have
tragedy and comedy. professed and in so doing have
32
I want to love you, where God actually wandered from the faith.
does. I envy God in this way; I want to be Grace be with you.”
like Him. 3 3 All the attractive things I might 52
Love j .
want to give you, if I had the power, I
would not give you; 3 4 I know that having a35 John 14:27 b38 2 Corinthians 4:18 c40 Romans 14:4
d47 John 4:14 e47 Matthew 11:28 f48 John 4:23
the power, being God, I would give what g48 Matthew 10:7 h48 1 Peter 1:23 i51 1 Timothy 6:20,21
He’s giving you now; God must be right. j52 1 Corinthians 13
35
It would be worthless to give as the world
gives a . In the end, what is money? In the
middle, what is money? Oh, what is money?
36
Money is the God of the fantasy. There
are three worlds: firstly, there is the world
as it is; 3 7 out of this we perceive a fantasy
world; and out of this we conceive a world
behind the world. 3 8 Ironically, the fantasy
world is dull and dreary, devoid of hope
and filled with death, where the fantastical
idea of a world behind the world is reality b .
39
I know, then, deep down, that there is
nothing good I can give you or even hope
for you; 4 0 but only acknowledge that you
are God’s, and that I am God’s. I know
nothing about what is good for you c . 4 1 I
can never give you anything you really
want, and what you think you want, you
will know soon enough that you never
really did. 4 2 Wants themselves are tricky:
think about what you want in the run of a
day. Think about the essence of our
desires. 4 3 I believe that I want to want no
more. I eat so that I don’t want to eat
anymore. 44
I buy a two-hundred-dollar
mountain bike because I don’t want to buy
anymore two-hundred-dollar mountain
bikes. 4 5 I go anywhere or do anything so
that I don’t want to want it anymore. 4 6 I
want a place where wants don’t exist;
wants are suicidal. 4 7 I desire to be rid of
desire d . My body aches for a place of rest,
and I am assured that where there is a
desire there is an end to that desire e ; 4 8 and
this desire that embodies every desire calls
out to the world behind the world,