12 Backdoor

The Pioneer Log, February 25, 2011

What your in-class beverage says about you...

You: Hella inspiring and dope prof. Me: Totz gonna write a letter nominating you for hot TOTY (teacher of the year) ;-) You: Lovesick students who need to stop whiling away the hours on LikeALittle.com and keep sending in YCMEs Me: Backdoor Editor.

You Caught My Eye

You: Tried to seduce me by paying for my meal Me: A Republican.

You: The oh so slightly very intoxicated girl who tried to get into the hot tub which turned out to be a kiddy pool. Me: Glad you didnt barf in the car back home.

You: Put your dirty Converse on the table in SOAN 353. Me: Think its incredibly rude and disrespectful. The classroom isnt your living room. Get your feet off the table!

You: Asked me to go out with you in Templeton. Me: Never spoken to you in my life, but feeling sorry for being a trollop. You: Sexy Point Guard Me: Wishing I hadnt sat so far away last night.

You: Beautiful Bay Area Boy on Moodle at 4 a.m. Me: Wishing you were on me instead

You: Seattle cutie listed as In a Relationship

UNRECOGNIZABLE LIQUID IN A MASON JAR - You pride yourself on your ecofriendly and pseudo-neo-luddite tendencies. The day your mustard was finally finished, and you got to spend 20 minutes rinsing off the Grey Poupon label was one of the happiest days of your life. Your jar filled with an unsettling looking liquid has become your final accessory after putting on your fingerless gloves, scarf, and requisite flannel article. Next time you go out, try adding a handful of mysterious herbs to it, so even more people can marvel at how au naturel you are. KOMBUCHA/YERBA MATE - Youre enough of a hippie to swear by the health benefits of these beverages, but not enough of one to make them on your own. Do these beverages actually improve your overall state of being? Who knows? You just have to pretend that they do in order to justify spending $4-5 on a single beverage. If its Kombucha youre drinking, look around the classroom next time to see how many people are eagerly waiting to watch you sip and make the signature, Im drinking a beverage made from fermented bacteria and yeast face. ANY BEVERAGE THAT TAKES LONGER THAN 4 SECONDS TO ORDER OR 2 MINUTES TO MAKE - Fuck you. You know who you are. Youre the number one reason that people are late to their 10:20 classes. While it is admirable of you to give the fine people at the Dovecote opportunities to practice their craft, you should do it at 10:36 or 11:45 when there isnt a long line of people behind you cursing your refined tastes. Its called coffee, not foamy-mocha-chai-bullshit-mint-accino. Check this out: coffee + hot chocolate packet = mocha; coffee + straw = foam. Now hurry the fuck up, hipster. WATER IN A STAINLESS STEEL ECO-BOTTLE - Congratulations, you live in Portland. Visit any other place and realize that the sound of a big plastic screw turning through a hollow metal vessel doesnt happen nearly as often as it does here. Its a bizarre sound and we dont even register it anymore! Anyway, people carrying these are just pragmatic and care about the environment, or they know someone pragmatic who wants to lure them into caring about the environment by buying them one with little designs on it. WATER IN A NALGENE - Sigh. You really missed the boat, my little green friend. You were so eager to hop on the Inconvenient Truth, save-the-world cruise ship that you jumped in the water a little too early. Now everyone has these even cooler stainless steel bottles, and youre stuck with a bulky plastic thing that wont let you take a drink without spilling all over you. Give it time, sweet recycler. People drink out of jars and its considered cool. The Nalgene will have its heyday once again. Mark my words. SODA - Well, clearly youre not an athlete and youre not a hip(py/ster). What are you doing at this school? We either have to drink coffee, give a shit about our bodies, or pretend to give a shit about our bodies because its cool. You cant drink SODA. I mean, youre in COLLEGE. At least sneak booze into it or something, you weirdo. Drink juice, for Christs sake! Its just as sweet, and youll fit in! Seriously... Get your act together.

Me: Wanna make things Complicated

Wanna mack on somebody in a public forum? Email a You Caught My Eye to piolog@gmail.com

TOAST OF THE WEEK: RIC FLAIR

This fine date marks the 62nd anniversary of professional wrestler Ric Flairs birth. Costumed like the Liberace of kicking the shit out of people,The Nature Boy is considered by many to be the dirtiest player in the game, due to his relentless bravado and unapologetic rulebreaking. Truly a man of letters, Ric coined the infamous catchphrase of Woooooo! The man is also known for his assortment of famous feuds, endorsement of Mike Huckabee, and as the honoree of four different cities Ric Flair Day. Although we cant force Portland to become the seventh city to offer ol Ric a key to the city, we can spike a protein shake with vodka and knifeedge chop it into the face of a drinking buddy. Woooooo! to you, Ric Flair.

THIS WEEKS COMIC BY TONY STERLING

*P.S. All farticles found in the Backdoor are jokes. Funny jokes. Dont take them seriously because they dont take you seriously. Seriously. Oh yeah, and submit comics to Backdoor Editor Erin Ruprecht (ruprecht@lclark.edu).