The mossy Log, April 1, 2011 News 2

EDITORS IN CHIEF:
Christmas Cupcake & Tinker Jef
BUSINESS MANAGER:
Tinker Jef
NEWS EDITORS:
Loveflight Freeride & Nash Bridges
OPINION EDITORS:
Clint Perez & Whoolita Poowart
FEATURES EDITORS:
Shai-li Hurtz & Beatrice Keester
ARTS EDITORS:
Olive Twig & Mean Sabine
SPORTS EDITORS:
Dirk Diggler & Mary Monds
STYLE SOURCE:
Zorro Violente
ILLUSTRATION EDITOR:
Fb Murphy
ILLUSTRATORS:
Capn Diego Firebeard
PHOTOGRAPHERS:
Leonardo Qinster
COPY CHIEFS:
Jetpack N. Skyy & Stutterin Maurice
Scabb
COPY EDITORS:
Robin Cedar, Gabby Hands, Kathleen
Daly, Alix Roberts & Kelsi Villarreal
STAFF WRITERS:
River Cosmicdropper, Gurglin Barney
Dagger, Dominique Young Unique,
Drunken Red Snappa, Old Dirty Kelp
Licker, Pirate Garrick the Badly Burnt &
Bongoflight Riverdream, & Cornchaser
Pigsower
ADVISORS:
Mista G-Ride Bouncer & Swingin Chim-
panzee
The PIONEER LOG serves to inform the
Lewis & Clark community on issues of
concern to students. Advertisements,
Letters to the Editor and Editorials
do not necessarily reflect the opinions
of the PIONEER LOG or Lewis & Clark
College.
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BY J. EUSTACE HARTWELL
In a shocking development still sending
reverberations through the ASLC, last Tues-
day, Mar. 29, President Pith Damp (11)
radically expanded executive power, chang-
ing her title to Supreme Queen for Life
in an efort to show the meaninglessness of
social constructs. Damp pushed this radical
restructuring through using the controversial
I do what I want clause, giving herself both
absolute power over all ASLC decisions, and,
just for kicks, veto power over all now super-
fuous senate legislation.
To date, Damp has vetoed a unanimously
passed resolution for her impeachment, ve-
toed a limit on her veto power, and vetoed a
resolution that would have formed a formal
ASLC President Damp realizes
triviality of human condition, names
self Supreme Queen for Life
committee for the purposes of writing a for-
mal letter to tell the president that she is a
meanie.
Te controversial I do what I want
loophole was established by former ASLC
president William McKinley (CAS 86) dur-
ing the senate logjam of 1985 to actually get
shit done. Te clause was largely forgotten,
though it remained on the books until Pamp
noticed it. It does include a power-checking
veto in the form of verbal objection by the
sitting Chief Justice. However, this institu-
tional check was nullifed when Pamp went
up to Chief Justice Eli Flavins (11) this
Wednesday and quickly said, Unobjecting
Chief Justice says what?
Flavins replied, What?
Damp says she discovered the crushing
triviality of life over spring break, when she
saw a Discovery channel special about the
vastness of space. What are we doing? La-
beling each other, pretending what we do
actually makes a diference. I hope when
people realize how me being Supreme Queen
or whatever doesnt change anything, maybe
theyll learn something, said Damp.
Much controversial legislation has been
passed since Damp assumed Supreme Queen
for Life last Tuesday, most notably a reso-
lution that allots all of next years student
funds for papier mach hats constructed
out of money, to be given out during next
years NSO, with hugs, which are free. When
Senator Smiles Catterson (13) objected, say-
ing the hats would disintegrate in Portlands
rainy climate, Damp passed a resolution to
turn Katterson into a frog.
At the time of publication, Katterson was
not yet a frog. You see, you see? People cant
be frogs, legislation doesnt change that! Leg-
islation doesnt matter, said Damp.
Damp has also insisted that formerly
titled Vice President Slander Bear (13) be-
come Vice Supreme Queen for Life. Bear
was not keen to the idea. Well, at frst I sug-
gested that since there was no longer a presi-
dent, per s, I could just switch from vice-
president to president and she could be the
[Supreme Queen for Life]. But then she just
said, Cant you see?, handed me Nietzsches
Beyond Good and Evil and walked of.
Beyond Good and Evil, Friedrich Ni-
etzsches 1886 masterpiece, is his critique
of a seemingly poor critical sense in the past
and current philosophy of his day, and an
objection to what he saw as an overempha-
sis of dated Christian morality notions. Its
pretty good, said Bear, whos only about
halfway through it.
Id be lying if I told you the title isnt a
little emasculating, said the Vice-Supreme
Queen for Life. Oh no, shes playing [Te
Beatles] Revolution #9 again.
Bon Appetit Management, Co., the meal
provider for Lewis & Clark Colleges caf-
eterias, built its reputation as a champion
of sustainable food on its use of local farm-
ers and creative menu items, many of which
tend to be organic and vegetarian.
Tree weeks from now, that will all end.
Weve just received way too many com-
plaints, especially from students, said Gen-
eral Manager Mac Lary. Tese kids have
been raised on fast food and microwave
meals. Tey want Voodoo Donuts, not veg-
etable medleys and tofu scrambles.
We tried to make healthy food seem ap-
pealing, said Aaron Dionne, Director of
Culinary Development. I remembered how
my wife tried hiding pieces of broccoli and
spinach in our sons spaghetti, and I thought
to myself Hey, that could work! Dionne
was suspended for one week in February af-
ter Jim Wise (14) found dehydrated kale in
his cocoa pufs and vomited everywhere.
After SUGF started those demonstra-
tions, we knew wed have to make changes,
explained Lary. SUGF (Students United for
Good Food) formed at the beginning of this
semester after the Bon began encouraging
students to move away from drinking soda
by ofering various agua frescas.
Its just a fancy word for water with stuf
in it, said Ingrid Newbirk (13), SUGF
founder, which is exactly what soda is. Why
are they trying to tell us that one type of wa-
ter with stuf in it is better than another type
of water with stuf in it? ITS JUST WATER
AND STUFF.
Newbirk joined forces with Dennis Ku-
spinach (11) at the end of January when
Bon Appetit caves to student demands
Bon Manager nixes root vegetables and leafy greens for chicken
nuggets, fried mac and cheese balls and turducken patties
the two were simultaneously informed while
standing in line for dinner that hamburgers
would no longer be ofered.
Tis is a struggle for the souls of the stu-
dents of Lewis & Clark, a college that in too
many cases has become so green and identi-
fed with green interests that you cant tell
the diference between their food and the
shrubbery they grow around campus, pro-
tested Kuspinach at SUGFs Give Us Good
Food (GUGF) rally last week.
Approximately 75 students and a few
faculty members had gathered in the open
space between Miller academic hall and the
Hofman Gallery to speak out against recent
cafeteria meal changes. After attendees took
turns speaking to the crowd, a chant of Less
lies, more fries took hold for 30 seconds,
followed by a ceremonial passing around of
deep fried cheese sticks.
Lary could be seen sitting quietly on the
edge of the rally. Towards the end, he stepped
forward and spoke briefy to the crowd. Te
student body has spoken, and Bon Appetit
has listened, announced Lary. Beginning
on April 20, all root vegetables, green leafy
produce, and agua frescas will be eliminat-
ed from cafeteria menus. Replacing them
will be a daily rotation of chicken nuggets,
fried mac and cheese balls and turduckhen
patties. Interrupting the ensuing applause,
Lary added, We will also be replacing the
cottage cheese with Blue Razzberry Go-Gurt
and substituting our house-made dressings
for diferently favored mayonnaises.
SUGF and national activist group PETE
(People Eating Tasty Edibles) recently co-
presented Newbirk with the Successful Lov-
ing Of Palates award at a celebratory gather-
ing in Copelands main lounge last Tuesday.
I have only done what anybody who tru-
ly loves Lewis & Clark would do, Newbirk
announced in her acceptance speech. All I
ask in return is that they call their chicken
products Newbirk Nuggets.
BY CHRISTMAS CUPCAKE
Director of Admissions Jim Sumner ar-
rived early on Monday morning, ready to be-
gin the work week anew, only to discover a
large potato sack with a $ sign printed on the
side. Rather than lead the meeting he had
planned to fnish preparations for prospec-
tive student weekend, he spent the morning
supervising/witnessing a police investiga-
tion. Eventually, the police confrmed that
the bag was full of thousand dollar bills$5
million totaland that they would have to
make further investigations regarding the or-
igins of the money, but that the money did
indeed belong to the institution if it was not
found to be suspect in any regard.
I am inclined to believe that the money
came from an honest source, said President
Garry Blassner. Tis school inspires thou-
sands of people. If I had that kind of money,
I would donate it to LC.
Te police reported that they had dusted
the bag, but the fngerprints did not match
any on record. In addition, the money is
not counterfeit. In a week or so, if the in-
vestigation does not go anywhere, the sack
of money will be returned to Lewis & Clark
College.
Her highness leads a group of unwilling senators and cabinet members in a rousing game
of 5 billion bottles of non-alcoholic beer on the wall. It truly is good to be queen.
Bag of money
lef by Manor
House
BY NASH BRIDGES
PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY DIRK DIGGLER
PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY SEXON DBEACH
PHOTO COURTESY OF MARK ZUCKERBERG