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My Funniest Funnies

My Funniest Funnies Let me see you turn that frown :( upside -down

Let me see you turn that frown

:(

upside -down

:) Don't Fart in Bed This is a story about a couple who had been

:)

Don't Fart in Bed

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

Freds' Note

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"

Deadly Fruit

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attacked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy asks the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

Parachute Trouble

A

man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he

is

ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing

happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens

He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*!!

Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

COLLEGE LEG TEST A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten legs on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing.

He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species.

The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door.

The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name?" The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You tell me buddy! You tell me!"

In the window of an Indian shop along River Road "Why go somewhere else to be cheated, when you can come here"?

In a Nairobi restaurant "Customers who find our waitress rude, ought to see the manager".

In a Westland’s jewellery store Ears pierced while you wait".

On the grounds of a private school "No trespassing without permission"

On an Athi River highway "Take notice; When this sign is under water, the road is impassable".

On a poster at Kencom "Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help".

In a city restaurant Open seven days a week and weekends too".

In a cemetery "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves".

In a Mombasa hotel "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 daily".

A sign posted in a tourist camp site "It is strictly forbidden in our camping site that people of different sex, for instance men & woman, live together in one tent unless they are married to each other for that purpose".

Spaghetti

A doctor was having an affair with his Italian-born nurse. Eventually, she became pregnant by him.

Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave the nurse some money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know when the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of all the child's expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and

then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard

in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked her what she thought might have caused the cardiac arrest. The wife picked up the card and read it to him: "Four Spaghettis: Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

A plane is about to crash. There are five passengers on board but only four parachutes. The first passenger says: "I’m Zinnedine Zidane, the world’s best soccer player. Fifa needs me, I can’t afford to die" So he takes the first pack and leaves the plane. The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says: "I’m the most ambitious woman in the world. I’m also a New York senator and a potential future president "She takes the second parachute and jumps out.

The third passenger, Robert Mugabe, says; "I am president of Zimbabwe and I have 13 Million helpless people who always look up to me for guidance. Above all, I am the cleverest president in African history and Africa’s people won’t let me die. "So he puts on his pack and jumps out. The fourth passenger, Nelson Mandela, says to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-Chinese school boy; "I’ve lived a full and fruitful life and I’m well prepared for the after-life so I’ll let you have the last parachute".

"That’s okay. says the boy. "There’s a parachute for each one of us. Africa’s cleverest president has just taken my school backpack".

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married. It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk.

On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got

home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'.

He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go.

This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner.

After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?" "Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

A study was made recently to determine the average crime rate at international airports around the world. The study made use of an ordinary looking man standing in the airport terminal and reading a newspaper. He had an empty briefcase next to him, which he would ignore. Observers then recorded how long it took for the briefcase to be snatched:

In Brussels the case was stolen within 4 minutes and 20 seconds. In Washington DC it was stolen within 3 minutes and 16 seconds. At Heathrow the briefcase was snatched in less than 2 minutes. In New York, the case was stolen within 1 minute and 5 seconds. In LA it took only 43 seconds before the case was snatched.

The experiment was going to be held at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport in Nairobi, Kenya, but the people conducting the study were attacked by robbers on the way to the airport, beaten severely and the briefcase stolen along with the car!

A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What's politics?" Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it to you this way. "I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me "Capitalism. " Your Mom is the administrator of the household, so we'll call her "The Government". We're here to take care of YOUR needs so we'll call you "The People". The nanny works hard all day for very little money so, we'll consider her "The Working Class." And your baby brother, we'll call him "The Future." Now, think if it makes sense.

So, the little boy goes off to bed, thinking about what his Dad has said.

Later that night he hears his baby brother crying so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks into the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is about". The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is having fun with the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep rubbish.

What is the difference between men and women?

1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is

one who can find such a man.

2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during

the night.

3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't

want.

4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman

expecting that she won't change, and she does.

5.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before and after marriage.

6.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future

until he gets a wife.

7. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a

woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

8. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same

thing!

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 10. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers

understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you

said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

those guys always

These are the top ten funniest excuse notes from parents collected by schools from all over this country:

1. Please excuse Lola for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

2. Jimmy has been absent yesterday because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

3. My daughter is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute her.

4. Please excuse Jenny. She has been sick and under the doctor.

5. Sandra won't be in school a week from today. We have to attend her funeral.

6. Please excuse Holly from Jim today. She is administrating.

7. Kevin was absent from school yesterday because he was playing football. He was damaged in the

growing part.

8. Amy could not come to school today because she was bothered by very close veins.

9. Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father's fault.

10. Please excuse Jesse from school. He had very loose vowels.

I thought you'll enjoy this

At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN." Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think." As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Sing along at the opera. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day. Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!"

I did:

A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" the man asked. The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your trouser pocket." The man then said "When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on."

The wife apologised and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again. "Your horse phoned."

Go Git Yo Mamma A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He

descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all.

If

anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I

am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know

where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are -- due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met,

but now, somehow, it's my fault."

A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered to a complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver, getting out to see what was the matter, noticed one of the cows looking at him. "I believe it's your radiator," said the cow. The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker britches! He ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door. "A cow just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted, waving his arms franticly back toward the field. The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to glance down the field. "The cow with two big black spots on it?" the farmer asked slowly. "Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited man replied. "Oh. Well, that's Ethel," the farmer said, turning back to the man. "Don't pay any attention to her. She doesn't know a darn thing about cars."

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock. In one situation, he was waiting at a taxi stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he placed his suitcase in the car and took a seat next to it. 'Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?' asked the taxi driver.

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight. 'No, sir, I have never seen you before.' The puzzled Doyle asked him how he knew he was Conan Doyle.

'This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin colour tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you're a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. And so, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.' Doyle remarked, 'This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counterpart to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes.' 'There is one other thing,' the driver said. 'What is that?' 'Your name is on the front of your suitcase.'

A group of burglars (of a particular hair colour) were robbing a bank. One of them pointed a gun at a teller's head and shouted: "Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!" The cashier laughed and said, "You mean H I S T O R Y!" The burglar shouted back, "Don't change the subject."

Once upon a time

more honey-mustard sauce for the chicken strips. He was informed that it would be 45 cents for another little container. Dad gave him the money when he came back to the table for it, and my brother, about six at the time, took care of the transaction. After everyone was finished eating

father, being one who can really make a point and not too happy about the cost of the fast food meal, sent my same twin brother to the counter to inquire, loudly, "How much are toothpicks?". The place roared.

when my family was eating at a KFC, my brother was sent to the counter to get

my

One day, a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride in the blonde's new car. Suddenly, some jerk pulled in front of them. The blonde then put her lips on the steering wheel. The brunette feared for her life, but had the courage to ask, "What are you doing?!" The blonde calmly replied, "I'm trying to blow the horn."

Father: Why don't you get yourself a job? Son: Why? Father: So you could earn some money. Son: Why? Father: So you could put some money in a bank and earn interest. Son: Why? Father: So that when you're old you can use the money in your account to work again. Son: I'm not working now.

"THE JUNE BUG" Tiny little June bug, across the open meadow flying. Constantly on the move, a life that's death defying.

Trying to escape the birds, during the day in flight. Then the bats radar, who hunts them late at night.

Nearly missing a cars windshield, as he crosses a road.

and

you would never have

Then the long sticky tongue, of a very hungry toad.

Nearly crushed by a shoe, as he sat on the ground.

A boys string, where in circles he would fly around.

Always hiding and dodging, just so his life to live. He's not in any hurry, his last breath to give.

He's lasted half the summer, and is now very quick. As a fast learner, he knows about every trick.

Then late one night, he was searching for his food, and was feeling very happy, in a careless mood.

He came to a house, a strange light he decided to tap. Over to it he flew, the last sound he heard was zzzap.

The quickest dental appointment I've ever had was when I sat in the dentist's chair, opened my mouth and had him exclaim: "WOW! you sure do have a lot of teeth!" You better believe I grabbed my things and was out the door. Who wants a dentist who's major patients were in the 'Dirty South' and a "lot of teeth" is more than four? He just wouldn't know what to do!!!

Interesting facts:

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. Butterflies taste with their feet. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Starfish don't have brains.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards. The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence

contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined. The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other:

adhere and separate.

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the

bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honeymonth" or what we

know today as the "honeymoon."

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes when you pulled on the

ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. that's where the phrase, "good night, sleep tight" came from. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet. (developed by Western Union to test Telex/twx communications) The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable. Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten. Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head." Camel's milk does not curdle. An animal epidemic is called an epizootic. Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants. The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used. Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan All porcupines float in water. Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from the town.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases. Non-dairy creamer is flammable. The only nation whose name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanistan. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will not be heads 5,000 times, but more like 4,950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified. The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural. Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams.

Ben and Jerry's sends the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same sex. Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.

A

group of unicorns is called a blessing. Twelve or more cows are known as a "flink." A group of frogs

is

called an army. A group of rhinos is called a crash. A group of kangaroos is called a mob. A group of

whales is called a pod. A group of ravens is called a murder. A group of officers is called a mess. A group of larks is called an exaltation. A group of owls is called a parliament. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. "Three dog night" (attributed to Australian Aborigines) came about because on especially cold nights these nomadic people needed three dogs (dingos, actually) to keep from freezing. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak. Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since. [It floats in gasoline, too.] Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

The saying "it's so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a brass monkey" came from when they had old cannons like ones used in the Civil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation, called a brass monkey. When it got extremely cold outside, they would crack and break

off

digest itself. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =12,345,678,987,654,321

Thus the saying. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will

If

a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle;

if

the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if

the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. (ed. note: if the rider's head is up the horse's ass, the rider died a politician.) No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired." Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village." There are two credit cards for every person in the United States. The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.

A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump." Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men. Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

A snail can sleep for 3 years.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first- class. China has more English speakers than the United States. The electric chair was invented by a dentist. Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 million people. The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is one of the few places in the world a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck. Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without aMcDonald's. No word in the English language rhymes with month.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. Cat's urine glows under a black light. The first Ford cars had Dodge engines. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It to Beaver".

In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. (although not individually!!)

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

Polar bears are left-handed.

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. For example, "House" in French, is feminine-"la maison" "Pencil" in French, is masculine-"le crayon"

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to

everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on

accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('le computer") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have

gotten a better model.

The women won.

LOST IN THE PARK: A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets

out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home. "Oh Morris", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost ? " Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear.

Morris whispered, "Lost I wasn't

I

was just too tired to walk home."

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country." "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." "The future will be better tomorrow." "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world." "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." "For NASA, space is still a high priority." "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." "It's time for the human race to enter the solar system." "Public speaking is very easy."

RAPID RESPONSE Working on a small town ambulance, it was not uncommon for my husband and me to stop at the local grocer to buy food for dinner after a call. I had gone in to get a head of lettuce and some apples. Unknown to me the floor was wet from the newly installed produce sprayers. Down I went, hitting my head hard. When I came to, the manager of the store was sitting beside me telling me not to move, that he had called 911. At the same time my pager went off and he looked at me and asked, “What was that? I said "My pager, I am 911." He looked at me, shocked “Boy, you guys are fast!"

Little Billy, and his grandfather entered the vacation cabin, and kept the lights off until they were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed them in. Noticing them before his grandfather did, Little Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming "

after us with flashlights

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.

No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was

a simple place

unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was

strange about it was its location beams.

2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was

it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling

"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb."

"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin." "With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries."

The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling. His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe."

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall

performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance

9.5

and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL

5.0

and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the

system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Desperate

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7. Good Luck, Tech Support

"Park Bench" A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax.

After a while a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello luv, how's about us going for a walk together." "How dare you," said the woman, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!"

"Well then," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?"

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing. As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer.

Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself (to get more money) for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire

protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6- inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travellers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendours of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available. "Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars

Did I Say That?! Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

Ouch, That Smarts!

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money

exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door."He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody

Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to holdup a Bank of America branch without awe upon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

Are We Not Communicating?

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two

minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is

her husband!"

THE HEARING AID Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson. "That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000." "Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser. The salesperson

put the device around Morris' neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed. "How does it work?" , asked Morris. "For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."

One summer when I was still in college, I got a job working on a film crew as a gofer. They were shooting in a job in Oklahoma that summer, in the oil fields out in the boonies. On the flight there I started to feel sick but just marked it up to motion sickness. Later, however I got so much worse that my boss took me to the closest hospital, where they admitted me, and decided I had to have an emergency appendectomy. My boss contacted my parents and I was soon in surgery.

When I woke up I had no idea that I had been placed in the maternity wing, in a 4 bed ward. They were short of beds and that was the only room they had. Late in the day a young nurses aid came in to get me up, I was sore and drowsy and resisted. "Come on, now" she said "we'll go see your baby." "MY BABY" I shouted "I'm not even married, I don't have a baby." She looked shocked and the other women in the ward started whispering, she said “There now let's don't get upset, I'll call a nurse to talk to you." Shortly a very kind nurse came in and started asking me questions that made me realize that she thought I was an unmarried mother. Just when I thought I was going to completely loose it, my boss arrived. "Well how are you feeling?" she asked "Crazy" I said, "Get me out of here, before these people give me a baby to take home." When my boss finally got the whole mess cleared up we had a good laugh about it, well she did, laughing was tough on my stitches.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way, Qantas is supposedly the only major airline that has never had an accident:

P = the problem the pilots entered in the log.

S = the solution or corrective action taken by the mechanics. P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.

S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen. S: Suspect you're right. P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums. S: Reprogrammed radar with words. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.

SALMON MOUSSE A housewife was having several couples over for dinner that night, so she wanted to cook something special. She slaved for hours that afternoon and finally created a masterpiece. Salmon mousse. Just before her guests arrived, she caught her cat nibbling away at the dish on the dining room table. She had worked so hard that she couldn't throw the mousse away, so she smoothed it over and served it anyway.

Well, the mousse was a hit. Everyone took seconds or thirds. Proudly she stood to bring the empty plate out to the kitchen and looked out the window. There, next to the house, lay her cat. Dead. She had to confess to her guests that she'd served mousse eaten by the cat and now the cat was dead. The entire dinner party rushed to the hospital to have their stomachs pumped. The housewife, who hadn't eaten any because she knew her cat had, lay in bed--mourning the passing of her cat and fearing that the same fate could befall her guests.

Then, the phone rang. It was her next door neighbor who said, "I'm sorry about your cat. I should have told you that I ran her over but I was just so ashamed and saw that you had a dinner party in

progress

So

I just put her on your lawn."

There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?" "Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature." "Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up. "Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced. "Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.

Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son's room, a mother finally laid down the law: each item of clothing she had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents. By the end of the week, he owed her $1.50. She received the money promptly, along with a 50 cent tip and a note that read, "Thanks, Mom; keep up the good work!"

One night at McChord Air Force Base in Washington, I was dispatched to check out the security fence where an alarm had gone off. The fence was at the end of the base runway. When I got to the scene, I found that a raccoon was the culprit, so I ran around and flapped my arms to scare off the animal. Suddenly an air-traffic controller came over the public-address system and announces loudly, "Attention to the airman at the end of the runway. You are cleared for takeoff."

The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer." One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."

A teacher was correcting exam papers when he came across Peter's effort: a sheet of paper, blank apart from his name and "Act II Macbeth. Scene V. Line 28". The teacher reached for his Shakespeare and turned to Macbeth where he found that the 28th line of the fifth scene of the second act read, "I cannot do this bloody thing."

THE CHRISTMAS HOBBY HORSE: A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a Christmas present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour. It took the old man two days to assemble the toy. Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company.

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," Little Johnny replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?" "Yep," said Johnny "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

Unauthorized Activity This one is a genuine hoot. It was an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the

Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. Wait till you read this guy's

response

*************************** Mr. Ryan DeVries 2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339 SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

but

read the letter before you get to the response

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent

unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the

legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files

shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2002.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely, David L. Price District Representative Land and Water Management Division *******************

This is the actual response sent back

Dear Mr. Price, Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Your certified letter dated 12/17/01 has been handed to me to respond to.

First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal Landowner and/or Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to

challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. I have several concerns.

My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams.). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now.

Why wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Sincerely, Stephen L.Tvedten *******************

Here is one story about people shoveling the snow for a parking space in front their house. This apparently is a problem for the Chicago police every winter. What happens is that somebody will park in a nearby parking lot, then slave away for how ever many hours it takes to shovel out a car- sized space in front of his house, naturally so he can park his car there. Then he goes back to the lot to get his car. When he returns home, he finds that the space has been taken by some other car. He is, well, upset. What most people do is write nasty notes etc. and place them on the windshield of the offending vehicle. Where the police get involved, however, is the occasional case where the

individual vents his wrath in somewhat more violent means. Tires and throats have been slashed over this.

One time a fellow got creative. Instead of doing the usual nasty, he got out his garden hose and watered the automobile down, real well. I mean, very, very thoroughly. The water, of course, froze solid. When the owner returned, instead of a car, he found a car-sized Popsicle. The note on the car read: "You want the space? Here, it's yours until spring!

Even if you're not a grandparent you will enjoy this. A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:

We always spend our vacation with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big, brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck. My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded one day, too.

When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

I needed some supplies from a Sunday school cupboard that was seldom used and was secured with a lock. I didn't know the combination, but our clergyman offered to give it a try. Father Jack placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised his eyes heavenward for a moment. Then he confidently spun the dial and opened the lock. Seeing how impressed I was with this demonstration of faith, he smiled and confided, "The numbers are written on the ceiling."

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the 2003 Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most uniquely successful lawsuits in the United States for last year. Actually, joint awards should be given to the plaintiff attorneys and the flaming idiots on the juries who awarded anything at all to these morons--who deserved NOTHING!!!! The following are this year's candidates:

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran

over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed, to the tune of $500,000.

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500

after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx! (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32- foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.

In 1990 a woman entered a Haagen-Dazs in the Kansas City Plaza for an ice-cream cone. While she was ordering, another customer entered the store. She placed her order, turned and found herself face to face with Paul Newman. He was in town filming a movie. His blue eyes made her knees buckle. She finished paying and quickly walked out of the store, her heart still pounding. Gaining her composure she suddenly realized she didn't have her cone; she turned to go back in. At the door she again came face-to-face with Paul Newman who was coming out. He said to her, "Are you looking for your ice-cream cone?" Unable to utter a word she nodded yes. "You put it in your purse with your change."

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ticked off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and kicks a chicken. He goes to

feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have milk in my cereal?" "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussycat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them? Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird

names, and all are different colors

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

but

they all exist very nicely in the same box.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it ! n eeds to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? The asshole is usually in charge !!

Finally, the guys side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These

are the rules! (Please note

these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down

down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

We need it up, you need it

1.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not

work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what

your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null

and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,

we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already

know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a

colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are

lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball,

the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Really.

Letter of recommendation

1

Phineas Dlamini, my assistant programmer, can always be found

2

hard at work in his cubicle. Phineas works independently, without

3

wasting company time talking to colleagues. Phineas never

4

thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

5

finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended

6

measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

7

breaks. Phineas is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

8

vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

9

knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Phineas can be

10

classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be

11

dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Phineas be

12

promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

13

executed as soon as possible.

Addendum The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said

as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, " R5,000 for a male brain, and R200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used, the male brains are hardly ever used by the owners. so they are as good as new"

"Teacher," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out." "What's that Joey?" asked the Sunday school teacher.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?" "Right." "An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?" "Again you're right." "An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?" "All that is right, too," agreed the teacher. "So what's your question?" "What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin'?"

right."

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?"

And she replied, "They're up in bed." The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?" And she replied,"They're still up in bed." Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play.

Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?" And his grandmother replied, "They're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh and his

grandmother asked, "What gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What

is going on here?"

The little boy replied, "Well, last night Daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue!" He must have got himself stuck somewhere in his room. Grandma fainted.

This is supposedly a true story from the Word Perfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "termination without cause". This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal :

> "Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"

> "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."

> "What sort of trouble?"

> "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

> "Went away?"

> "They disappeared."

> "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

> "Nothing."

> "Nothing?"

> "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

> "Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"

> "How do I tell?"

> "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

> "What's a sea-prompt?"

> "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

> "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"

> "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

> "What's a monitor?"

> "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

> "Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

> "I don't know."

> "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the powercord

> goes into it. Can you see that?"

> "Yes, I think so."

> "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
> "

> "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

> "No."

> "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

> "Okay, here it is."

> "Follow it for me,and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

> "I can't reach."

> "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

> "No."

> "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

> "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

> "Dark?"

> "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

> "Well, turn on the office light then."

> "I can't."

> "No? Why not?"

> "Because there's a power outage."

> "A power

> "Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer

came in?"

> "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

> "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was

> when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

> "Really? Is it that bad?"

> "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

>

Yes, it is."

A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.

"Well,

all

right then,

I

suppose. What do I tell them?"

> "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

"Questions"

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of

raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she

hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel,

without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it?

It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!

READY FOR THE ANSWERS?

1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up

to dry.

3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell

which water came from which jug.

4. The answer is Charcoal. In Homer Simpson's words: "hmmmm

5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

6. The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in

the long paragraph

Barbecue."

The Husband Store A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There

is, however, a catch

up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have job s, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women

are impossible to please! Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

STRESS I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description before looking at the picture. The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.

Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation:

than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation: No Need to Reply,

No Need to Reply, I'll be in Hawaii on Vacation - Never take life too seriously.

1

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time

I know where my watch is pal, where is

yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because

they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Ye right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why would you keep

looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their butts!

5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.

6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say 'life is short'. What do they mean?? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

JOB APPLICATION

I am apply to my job of security guard to you boss in you company of Shoprite. I complete to Grade 8 examination certificate in 1997.

I am 27 ears to be Born of age and no mallied and no childish.

My father is dead long time ago and my mother mary in Zaire country there 10 years now, no see she so nobody known to help me.

My certificate is just sitting home for itself, but passes in Mathematics, Geography, Science and all subjects but fail in English because of Nyanja teacher, Mr Phiri, teaching me is jelos of myself. Me wear expenses cloth than Ngoni teacher

I here people you want security guards to you company and I tell you I Am one of that job

experience for 2 years. I shot thief dead. I want to Join the company of you and chase criminal out with me AK47. Please consider my aplication careful and call me any time because me Have celphone. I am red for interview with you. I am very hornest and can speak English free. Please also greet your wife. And rememba that English is not our mother land!! Yours in faith Pasopa Mampara My picture frame I look beautiful Pasopa Mampara

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and

couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:

"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our

trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. "Lead us not into temptation."

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a

hand printed sign exhaust."

"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy." The young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"

AYUBA bought a new mobile. He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said, 'My Mobile No. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'

Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense AYUBA : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'

AYUBA : I am Proud, coz my son is in Medical college . Friend: Really, what is he studying? AYUBA: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.

AYUBA: Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night. DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok. AYUBA : Can I take it tomorrow, tonight is final game.

AYUBA complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house.' Police: 'How the thief did not take TV?' '

AYUBA : 'I was watching TV news

AYUBA comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine' He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for compliment.'

How do you recognize AYUBA in School? He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

Once AYUBA was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other. So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied "My wife's first husband."

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?

The Dog of course

!

.at least he'll shut up after u let him in!

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.Then the mud fell off.

My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

Cooling Swimming The weather was very hot, so a guy desperately wants to take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming costume, but who cares? He was alone. So, he undresses and gets into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walks onto the shore in his direction. He panics, get out of the water and grabs an old bucket. As he holds the bucket in front of his privates he sighed with relief. As the ladies get nearby they look at him and smile.

Then one of them says, "You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds." "Impossible," says the embarrassed man, "You really know what I'm thinking?" "Yes," the lady replies, "I know that you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom in it."

Double Decker bus Two groups charter a double Decker bus for a weekend trip to Atlantic City. One group is all brunette and the other is all blonde. Once upon the bus, the blondes head upstairs and the brunettes hang out on the bottom level.

The brunette group has a ball. They're whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go and check on them.

When she gets up to the top deck, she finds all of the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead, each clutching the seat in front of them. "Whoa, whoa -- what's going on here? We're having a GREAT time downstairs!" One of the blondes replies through chattering frightened teeth, "Yeah, but you guys have a driver!"

Q: What’s the difference between hard and light? A: I’ve never had any trouble sleeping with the light on! Q: Did you hear about the stupid plastic surgeon? A: He stood in front of a fire and melted! Patent: Hey Doc! Everyone thinks I'm a liar! Doctor: Sorry but, I don't believe you! Q: How can you get your name in lights the world over? A: Change your name to Emergency Exit! Q: How do you start a polar-bear race? A: Say 'Ready! Teddy! Go!' Q: What did the police do when the hares escaped from the zoo? A: They combed the area!

Q: What do you do if your dog has ticks? A: Don't wind him up! Q: What do you get if you cross a cowboy with an octopus? A: Billy the squid! Q: What do you get if you cross a gnome with a vampire? A: A monster that sucks the blood out of your kneecaps! Q: What do you get if you cross a hen with a bedside clock? A: An alarm cluck! Q: What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an octopus, a sheep and a zebra? A: A striped, woolly jumper with eight sleeves! Q: What do you get if you cross a whale with a bird that quacks? A: Moby Duck! Q: What drink do frogs like best? A: Croaker-cola! Q: What flower can you eat? A: A cauli-flower! Q: What song did Cinderella sing as she waited four months for her photos to come back from the chemist? A: Some day my prints will come! Q: What time is it when you see an elephant sitting on your television? A: Time to get a new television! Q: What would you do if a rhino charged you? A: Pay him! Q: What's the best way to catch a rabbit? A: Hide behind a bush and make a sound like a carrot! Q: Which animal should you not play cards with? A: A cheetah! Q: Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? A: Santa Jaws. Q: Why can't a bike stand up by itself? A: Because it's two-tyred! Q: Why couldn't the sailors play cards? A: Because the captain was standing on the deck! Q: Why did the chicken walk onto the football pitch? A: The referee whistled for a fowl Q: Why do you call your dog Metal-worker? A: Because every time he hears a knock he makes a bolt for the door. Q: Why was the Turkey in the pop group? A: Because he was the only one with drum-sticks! Q: Why did the lettuce blush? A: It saw the salad dressing Q: Why was the belt arrested? A: For holding up my pants Q: What kind of nut has no shell? A: A Doughnut Q: What has teeth and can’t bite? A: A comb Q: What keys can’t open doors? A: Monkeys, Turkeys and Donkeys Q: What is the quietest sport? A: Bowling - you can hear a pin drop

Q: What kind of room has no doors or windows? A: A mushroom Q: What do you throw away when you use it and collect when you don’t need it? A: An Anchor Q: Why isn't your ear 12 inches long? A: If it was, it would be a foot. Q: Why is a calendar so popular? A: Because it has a lot of dates. Q: Why do cows wear bells? A: Because their horns don't work. Q: What part of a car causes the most accidents? A: The nut behind the wheel. Q: Why was the broom late? A: Because it over swept! Q: Why is any compliment from a chicken be an insult? A: Because it's a fowl remark. Q: Why are spiders like tops? A: Because they are always spinning. Q: Did the people laugh when the lady fell on the ice? A: No but the ice cracked up. Q: Why are mummies good secret agents? A: Because they are good at keeping things under wraps! Q: What do you call a country, where all the cars in it are pink? A: A pink carnation Q: What did Frankenstein say after his brain transplant? A: I think I changed my mind. Q: Why did humpty dumpty have a great fall? A: To make up for a lousy summer Q: Why did the farmer plant old car parts in his garden? A: He wanted to raise a bumper crop. Q: What bird never goes to a barber? A: A bald eagle Q: What does a dancer usually drink? A: Tap water Q: What would happen if pigs could fly? A: Bacon would go up. Q: Why is a bride always out of luck on her wedding day? A: Because she never marries the best man. Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud. Well, sir, it was ground only five minutes ago. Q: What do you get when you cross a pastry chef with a soft drink. A: Baking soda. Q: How do athletes stay cool during a game? A: They stand near the fans! Q: What should a slow runner eat before a race? A: Ketchup Q: What kind of banks do alligators use? A: Riverbanks Q: Why are movie stars cool? A: Because they have so many fans. Q: Where do they store Chinese boats?

A: In a junkyard. Q: What is the smartest animal? A: A skunk, because it makes a lot of scents (sense). Q: Why did the minister visit different car lots every day? A: He was looking for convertibles!

Puns Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

There are two kinds of pedestrians

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Patron to waiter: "Do you have frog legs? Waiter: "No, but I am pigeon toed." Office Secretary: "I bought this mini-recorder." Manager: "What do you use it for?" Office Secretary:

"Well, it's only good for small talk." There's a new trend of carrying water in a pail. But like any trend, some people prefer to bucket. My cross-eyed teacher has a problem. Apparently she can't control her pupils.

A Man who eats metal paper fastenings has a staple diet.

A manufacturer of percussion instruments tried to drum up some business.

"I saw Pinocchio last night! No, not the movie, the real Pinocchio!" "You're joking?" "Nope, I wooden kid you!"

Your veterinarian knows how to make your dog heal. Two nuclear physicists got married recently. The ceremony was beautiful - she was absolutely radiant, and he was glowing too. Even the bridesmaids shone. When an apprentice electrician made mistakes, his mother grounded him.

But he finally got promoted and felt a surge after the switch. He was really a highenergy person.

In order to become an electrician, you have to go through a battery of tests.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who waited on the street corner with a piece of bread? A: She was waiting for some traffic jam. Cunnilingus is a real tongue-twister. Q: What is the difference between movie theatre refreshments and movies at a police stag party? A: One is popcorn, the other is cop porn.

the quick and the dead.

they're everywhere.

CHILDREN'S PROVERBS

1. Don't change horses

until they stop running.

2. Strike while the

wasp is close.

3. It's always darkest before

Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of

termites.

5.

You can lead a horse to water but

How?

6. Don't bite the hand that

looks dirty.

7. No news is

impossible

8. A miss is as good as a

Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new

Maths

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll

stink in the morning.

11.

Love all, trust

me.

12.

The pen is mightier than the

pigs.

13. An idle mind is

the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's

pollution.

15. Happy the bride who

gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is

not much.

17. Two's company, three's

the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what

you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and

You have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as

Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not

spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed

get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you

See in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind

get out of the way.

25. A bird in the hand

is going to poop on you.

LABOUR PAINS A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested, both said they were very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt

fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.

Q: What game do cows play at parties? A: Mooosical Chairs. Q: What do cows do for entertainment? A: They rent moovies! Q: What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed wire? A: It was an udder catastrophe. Q: What do you call a cow in an earthquake? A: A milkshake. Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: GROUND beef. Q: What do you call a calf after it is six months old? A: Seven months old. Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide. Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: It was the chicken’s day off. Q: On which side does a chicken have the most feathers? A: The outside. Q: What do birds need when they’re sick? A: A tweetment. Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice? A: Because it was a double crosser. Q: What bird can lift the most? A: A crane. Q: What do you get when you cross a cement mixer and a chicken? A: A brick layer! Q: Why did the chicken get sent off? A: For persistent fowl play! Q: Why do birds fly south in the winter? A: Because it’s too far to walk! Q: What would you get if you crossed the first signer of the Declaration of Independence with a rooster? A: John Hancock-a-doodle-doo! Q: Why wouldn't the butterfly go to the dance? A: It was a moth-ball. Q: What do you call a fish with no eye? A: FSH! Q: What’s the difference between a fish and a piano? A: You can’t tune-a fish! Q: How do electric eels taste?

A: Shocking! Q: How do you stop fish from smelling? A: You cut their noses off! Q: What’s grey, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.? A: The Presidential Seal. Q: What happens when frogs park illegally? A: They get toad. Q: What do frogs drink? A: Croak-a-Cola. Q: Why did the frog cross the road? A: To see what was hoppining over there. Q: Why don’t elephants smoke? A: They can’t fit their butts in the ashtray! Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a kangaroo? A: Big holes all over Australia! Q: What happened when the elephant sat on the car? A: Everyone knows a Mercedes bends! Q: What do you get if you have 100 rabbits in a row, and 99 step back? A: A receding hare line. Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on it. Q: What do you get when you cross an insect with a rabbit? A: Bugs Bunny. Q: Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested? A: He was charged with battery. Q: What kind of cookies do cats like? A: Chocolate chirp cookies. Q: What did the lion say when he saw the kid on his skateboard? A: Meals on Wheels! Q: If there were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? A: None, because the rest were copy cats! Q: What kind of cats like to go bowling? A: Alley cats. Q: Spell MOUSETRAP in three letters. A: C-A-T. Q: Why is it hard to play cards in the jungle? A: There are too many cheetahs Q: Why did the snowman call his dog Frost? A: Because Frost bites. Q: What do you call a no-legged dog? A: Nothing. He won’t come anyway. Q: What do you call a group of boring, spotted dogs? A: 101 Dull-matians. Q: What do you get if you crossed Lassie and vegetable? A: Collieflower. Q: What bone will a dog never eat? A: A trombone. Q: What is one word a dog can say? A: Bark! Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A: Because they have big fingers!!

Q: What’s the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed? A: Go sleep somewhere else Q: Why couldn’t the long-neck dinosaur see? A: Because he had his head in the clouds. Q: What dinosaur love pancakes? A: A try-syrup-tops. Q: How do dinosaurs pay their bills? A: With tyrannosaurus checks. Q: What do you call a dinosaur that wears cowboy boots and a hat? A: Tyrannosaurus Tex. Q: What does a Triceratops sit on? A: On Tricera-bottom! Q: What do you call a sleeping prehistoric animal? A: A dina-snore. Q: What do you take before every meal? A: A “seat.” Q: Where were lemons first found? A: In a tree! Q: What do you give an injured lemon? A: Lemon-ade. Q: Have you heard the joke about butter? A: I can’t tell you because then you’ll spread it. Q: Why did the cook hunt his eggs? A: He liked them poached! Q: What do sea monsters eat? A: Fish and ships! Q: What has no beginning, no end and nothing in the middle? A: A doughnut! Q: What’s a tree’s favorite drink? A: Root beer. Q: Why did the doughnut shop close? A: The owner got tired of the (w)hole business! Q: What did one plate say to the other? A: Lunch is on me! Q: What do potatoes wear to bed? A: Their yammies! Q: Why did the tomato blush? A: Because it saw the salad dressing. Q: What did the grape do when it was stepped on? A: It let out a little wine. Q: What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? A: The cold shoulder. Q: If you peel my skin off, I won’t cry. But you will. What am I? A: An onion. Q: What was the first bus to cross the Atlantic Ocean? A: ColomBUS. Q: What has a fluffy tail and flies through the air? A: A hare-plane! Q: What do you call a song sung in an automobile? A: A cartoon (car tune). Q: What has one horn and gives milk?

A: A milk truck. Q: What do you call a country where everyone drives a pink car? A: A pink car-nation. Q: What do you get when you cross a highway with a bicycle? A: Run over! Q: What does a houseboat become when it grows up? A: A township. Q: What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook? A: Wet feet. Q: What did Tennessee? A: The same thing Arkansas. Q: What did Delaware? A: Her New Jersey! Q: What clothes does a house wear? A: Address. Q: What country makes you shiver? A: Chile. Q: Which is the biggest country in the world? A: Cuba. Its government is in Moscow, its armed forces in Africa and its people in the US. Q: What is the biggest rope in the world? A: Europe. Q: What’s the biggest gate in the world? A: Colgate. Q: How do we know that the Indians were the first people in North America? A: They had reservations. Q: What always ends everything? A: The letter “G.” Q: What word is always pronounced wrong? A: Wrong! Q: What’s the longest word in the dictionary? A: Smiles, because there’s a mile between each s. Q: What two letters do you say when you answer the phone? A: L-O. Q: If a long dress is evening wear, what’s a suit of armor? A: Silverware. Q: What did the neck tie say to the hat? A: You go on ahead. I’ll hang around for a while. Q: What did the rug say to the floor? A: Don’t move! I’ve got you covered! Q: What do ears and candles have in common? A: They both have wax! Q: What did the glove say to the ball? A: Catch ya later! Diapers and government need to be changed frequently for much the same reason. Q: What’s round and bad-tempered? A: A vicious circle. Q: What has a lot of keys but can’t open any doors? A: A piano. Q: What did the mother broom say to the baby broom? A: Time to go to sweep. Q: What did one elevator say to the other?

A: I think I’m coming down with something! Q: What always falls without getting hurt? A: Rain! Q: Why do you always walk with your right foot first? A: Because when you put one foot forward the other is always left behind. Q: Which is the fastest: cold or heat? A: Heat! You can always catch a cold. Q: What time do you go to the dentist? A: Tooth-hurty! Q: Which meringues always come back? A: Boom-meringues (Boomerangs)! Q: Why do you go to bed? A: Because the bed won’t come to you! Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor’s? A: It had a virus! Q: What runs all day but never gets tired? A: Water. Q: Why is perfume so obedient? A: Because it's scent everywhere it goes. Q: How do you make a tissue dance? A: Put a little boogie in it. Q: What grade hurts the most to get? A: A “B” because it stings you! Q: What do you get if you cross a lamp with a violin? A: Light music. Q: Did you hear the one about the fireworks? A: It’s a blast! Q: What did one firecracker say to the other firecracker? A: My Pop is bigger than your Pop! Q: What are the hottest days during the summer? A: Sun-days! Q: Why did the boy bring a ladder to school? A: He wanted to see what high school was like. Q: What happened to the boy who swallowed a flashlight? A: He hiccuped with delight. Q: Why was the little boy staring so hard at the orange juice carton? A: Because it said "concentrate"! Q: What’s a baby’s motto? A: If at first you don’t succeed, cry, cry again! Q: How do you keep an idiot busy for hours? A: Give him a piece of paper with "Please turn over" written on both sides. Q: Where does the one legged waitress work? A: The Ihop. Q: How did the basketball court get wet? A: The players dribbled all over it. Q: Do you know why Eskimos always do their laundry in tide? A: Because it’s too cold out-tide. Q: Where did you get those big eyes? A: They came with the face. Q: Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? A: She ran away from the ball.

Q: Simon, can you spell your name backwards? A: Nomis. (No, Miss.) Q: How do men exercise at the beach? A: By sucking in their stomach every time they see a bikini. Q: What notes does the tightrope-musician have to worry about? A: 'C sharp or B flat!' Q: What sports star do cats like the best? A: Tiger Woods. Q: What kind of books do librarians hate? A: Overdue books! Q: How does a physicist exercise? A: Pumping ion. Q: Where was the Queen of England crowned? A: On her head!

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you "

get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a

with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to

its kind of personal

Thinking he might

smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth

goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

and

he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She

yes.

"Tell him there's no

Q.

What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?

A.

Nothing, they haven't met!

Q.

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?

A.

Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.

Q.

What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?

A.

Frosted Flakes

Q.

What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?

A.

An airbag.

Q.

Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper?

A.

So she could lip read.

Q.

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?

A.

You get to park in the handicap zone.

Q.

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

A.

Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q.

What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?

A.

Artificial intelligence.

Q.

Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?

A.

Cause it said concentrate.

Q.

What is a brunette between two blondes?

A.

An interpreter.

Q.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

A.

"Are you sure it's mine?"

Q.

What do you call a blond with a brain?

A.

A golden retriever.

Q.

How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?

A.

It has a stamp on it.

Q.

Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?

A.

It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.

Q.

What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor?

A.

Oh no, I'm going to fall again!

Q.

Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?

A.

It takes too long to retrain them.

A

highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered

through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"

A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that

she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes No Yes No Yes No"

A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what

she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not

take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she

heard

"breath

in

breath

out

breath

in

breath

out

"!

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator

shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator

swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look "

and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME

There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"

A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?"

There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde say a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home.

A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the

middle of a dirt field. She drove over to her and said, "It's idiots like you that give blondes a bad

name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your butt!"

A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they

were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are." The cashier leaned over the counter and said: "Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

A blonde, brunette and redhead woman decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the

English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and a drink she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I'm pretty sure those other two girls used their arms.

A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it

Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"

Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.

Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."

Blonde : "Oh

We just got off of highway 119".

There were these three women who escaped from prison. A blonde and two brunets. So to get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were three burlap sacks sitting around. So they hid in them. When the cops came to the farm house the one of the cops saw the sacks, the officers yells, "There's just three burlap sacks in here!" To which his partner replies, "Then kick them just to be sure it's not them hiding". The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunet in it and she yells, "MEEEYYOWW!" the officer said "Oh, its just a stupid cat in there." So he kicks the one with the other brunet in it and she yells, "RUUFFF RUFFF!", so the officer says, "Oh, it's just a stupid dog!" Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, "POTATOES!"

There's 1 redhead 1 brunette and 1 blonde. Their all at the NASA space center. The redhead says to the flight technician "I want to go to the moon". The flight technician says she can go tomorrow. The brunette says "I want to go to Mars". He says she can go next week. The blonde says "I want to go to the sun". The flight technician says, "Don't you know you'll burn up?" The blonde says "Well then I'll go at night."

A beautiful blonde lady stepped onto a plane going to L.A. and sat down in first class. The flight

attendant proceeded to go around the airplane checking the ticket stubs of each passenger to make sure they were all in the right seats. When she got to the Blonde woman she noticed that it was for

Coach seating, not first class. She tells the woman, "You're ticket says coach maam and we have a full flight today. I'm going to have to ask you to move." To which the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Confused, the stewardess gets her supervisor. Again, she tells the woman that she must move. Again, the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Also confused, they go get the captain. He tells the woman that she must move. The blonde "

starts to say, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful

whisper something in your ear?" "Sure" she replies and he proceeds to whisper something in her ear. Suddenly she gets up and goes back to coach seating with a look of surprise on her face. The flight attendants are startled. "How did you get her to move?" "I told her that first class wasn't going to L.A."

when he interrupts and asks, "Can I

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He

swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The

woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she

would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and

a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00,

and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from

the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up

a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop

computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.

The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive blonde neighbor came out of her

house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in

her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed

it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?" "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying "You've Got Mail."

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red-head that was going on vacation to a native island. The brunette brought a portable fridge with her. The red-head asked her "Why are you carrying a fridge with you?" The brunette replies "To keep all of our food in." The red-head is carrying a shotgun with her. The brunette asks "Why do you have that shotgun?" The red-head says "Just in case we run out of food, we can kill something to eat." The blonde is carrying their car door with her. They both ask the blonde "Why are you carrying our car door?" The blonde says "Just in case it gets too hot, I can roll the window down."

Blonde Inventions

1. The water-proof towel

2. Solar powered flashlight

3. Submarine screen door

4. A book on how to read

5. Inflatable dart board

6. A dictionary index

7. Ejector seat in a helicopter

8. Powdered water

9. Pedal-powered wheel chair

10. Water-proof tea bag

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to "

New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

During a rock climbing expedition, an accident occurred, as some of the grappling hooks gave way. This left the eleven climbers clinging precariously to the wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on the Mountain. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the weight on the rope would cause more of the hooks to give way and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. All ten blondes applauded.

A blonde walks into a library and says, "Can I have a burger and fries?" The librarian says, "I'm sorry, this is a library." So the blonde whispers, "Can I have a burger and fries?"

There was three blondes at the University of Texas. The Dean gave them the job of measuring the height of the new flagpole. So they put the flag pole in the base and are then on ladders trying to measure the flagpole. Finally an architect walks by and sees they are having trouble so he takes the pole out of the ground and lays it down and pulls out his tape measure and measures the pole. He writes the measurement on a piece of paper and walks away. The blondes look at each other and say "Just like those darn architects give us length when we wanted height.

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the dude who pushed me in the pool!"

The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45

degrees, 15 minutes east longitude

volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."

"

A student's voice broke the confused silence, and

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter

is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the "

newspaper and brings it to me. Second Woman : "I know "My dog told me."

First Woman : "My dog

First Woman : "How?" Second Woman :

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the

doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The "

doctor interrupts, "Nine

, Eight

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked. "Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?" "Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. "Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and

noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the

two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.

The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. "Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."

Two guys rob a store, they burst out the door running as they hear the sirens of cop cars coming closer. The two dive into two separate bushes hoping they won't get caught. Soon the cop cars stop near the bushes and the two robbers hearing foot steps grow more nervous. A cop then grabs one of the guys out the bush laughing "Busted". As he drags the robber off he looks back shaking his head

in shame

"Come on John!!!!!!!!" he screams "They got US!"

One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents. "Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"

Q.

Why did the man put his money in the freezer?

A.

He wanted cold hard cash!

Q.

What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

A.

"Is that you mommy?"

Q.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A.

Frostbite.

Q.

What do prisoners use to call each other?

A.

Cell phones.

Q.

What do you get from a pampered cow?

A.

Spoiled milk.

Q.

Where do polar bears vote?

A.

The North Poll

Q.

Where do snowmen keep their money?

A.

In snow banks.

Q.

Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?

A.

Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!

Q.

What dog keeps the best time?

A.

A watch dog.

Q.

Where do bees go to the bathroom?

A.

At the BP station!

Q.

What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?

A.

Odor in the court.

Q.

What did the water say to the boat?

A.

Nothing, it just waved.

Q.

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

A.

Dam!

Q.

Why don't skeletons fight each other?

A.

They don't have the guts.

Q.

What has four legs but can't walk?

A.

A table!

Q.

Why did the turtle cross the road?

A.

To get to the Shell station!

Q.

What did the ground say to the earthquake?

A.

You crack me up!

Q.

What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?

A.

Milk and quackers!

Q.

Why did the elephant eat the candle?

A.

He wanted a light snack!

Q.

What has 4 eyes but no face?

A.

Mississippi!

Q.

What did the spider do on the computer?

A.

Made a website!

Q.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

A.

Because 789!

Q.

Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

A.

Because it felt crummy.

Q.

How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?

A.

Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses!

Q.

What do you call a pony with a sore throat?

A.

A little horse

Q.

What do you call cheese that is not yours?

A.

Nacho Cheese

Q.

Why did the sheep say "moo"?

A.

It was learning a new language!

Q.

What streets do ghosts haunt?

A.

Dead ends!

Q.

What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?

A.

The Space bar!

Q.

Why did the boy eat his homework?

A.

Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!

Q.

Why is Basketball such a messy sport?

A.

Because you dribble on the floor!

Q.

What bow can't be tied?

A.

A rainbow!

Q.

What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?

A.

Every morning you'll rise and shine!

Q.

What does a teddy bear put in his house?

A.

Fur-niture!

Q.

What season is it when you are on a trampoline?

A.

Spring time.

Q.

What happens to cows during an earthquake?

A.

They give milk shakes!

Q.

Why did the jelly wobble?

A.

Because it saw the milk shake!

Q.

Where do cows go on holiday?

A.

Moo York

Q.

Where did the computer go to dance?

A.

To a disc-o.

Q.

What has one head, one foot and four legs?

A.

A Bed

Q.

Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

A.

He was a chicken.

Q.

What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?

A.

The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".

Q.

Why was the guy looking for the food on his friend?

A.

Because his friend said its on me.

Q.

Did you hear the joke about the roof?

A.

Never mind, it's over your head!

Q.

What do you call a cow eating grass in a paddock?

A.

A lawn mooer

Q.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?

A.

Because he had no-body to go with.

Q.

What washes up on very small beaches?

A.

Microwaves!

Q.

What gets bigger and bigger as you take more away from it?

A.

A hole!

Q.

What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move?

A.

The road!

Q.

How do you make a bandstand?

A.

Take away their chairs!

Q.

Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?

A.

The scientists were brainstorming!

Q.

Why did Tony go out with a prune?

A.

Because he couldn't find a date!

Q.

What did the little mountain say to the big mountain?

A.

Hi Cliff!

Q.

What did Pooh say to his agent?

A.

Show me the honey!

Q.

Why couldn't the pirate play cards?

A.

Because he was sitting on the deck!

Q.

Why did the traffic light turn red?

A.

You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!

Q.

What do lawyers wear to court?

A.

Lawsuits!

Q.

What breaks when you say it?

A.

Silence!

Q.

What has four wheels and flies?

A.

A garbage truck!

Q.

What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?

A.

Post Office!

Q.

What did the blanket say to the bed?

A.

Don't worry, I've got you covered!

Q.

Why should you take a pencil to bed?

A.

To draw the curtains!

Q.

How many books can you put in an empty backpack?

A.

One! After that its not empty!

Q.

What kind of button won't unbutton?

A.

A bellybutton!

Q.

What did the penny say to the other penny?

A.

We make perfect cents.

Q.

Why did the man with one hand cross the road?

A.

To get to the second hand shop.

Q.

Why did the picture go to jail?

A.

Because it was framed.

Q.

What are two things you cannot have for breakfast?

A.

Lunch and dinner.

Q.

Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep?

A.

So he could have sweet dreams.

Q.

Why did the robber take a bath?

A.

Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.

Q.

What did the judge say to the dentist?

A.

Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.

Q.

What do you call a bear with no socks on?

A.

Bare-foot.

Q.

What can you serve but never eat?

A.

A volleyball.

Q.

What did one teddy bear say to the other teddy bear when he offered him some dessert?

A.

No thank you, I am stuffed.

Q.

What kind of shoes do all spies wear?

A.

Sneakers.

Q.

What did one wall say to the other wall?

A.

I'll meet you at the corner.

Q.

Why did the soccer player bring string to the game?

A.

So he could tie the score.

Q.

Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin?

A.

They both depend on the batter.

Q.

What did the alien say to the garden?

A.

Take me to your weeder.

Q.

What gets wetter the more it dries?

A.

A towel.

Q.

Why was the math book sad?

A.

Because it had too many problems.

Q.

What runs but doesn't get anywhere?

A.

A refrigerator.

Q.

How do you catch a squirrel?

A.

Climb a tree and act like a nut!

Q.

What do you do with a blue whale?

A.

Try to cheer him up!

Q.

How do you communicate with a fish?

A.

Drop him a line!

Q.

Where do sheep go to get haircuts?

A.

To the Baa Baa shop!

Q.

What does a shark eat with peanut butter?

A.

Jellyfish!

Q.

Why was the pelican kicked out of the hotel?

A.

Because he had a big bill!

Q.

What do cats eat for breakfast?

A.

Mice Crispies!

Q.

Why can't a leopard hide?

A.

Because he's always spotted!

Q.

What do you give a dog with a fever?

A.

Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog!

Q.

What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?

A.

A sour puss!

Q.

What kind of key opens a banana?

A.

A monkey!

Q.

Why does a hummingbird hum?

A.

It doesn't know the words!

Q.

Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?

A.

Because they dropped out of school!

Q.

What goes up and down but doesn't move?

A.

The temperature!

Q.

What two days of the week start with the letter "T"?

A.

Today and Tomorrow!

Q.

Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?

A.

Neither, they both weigh a ton!

Q.

Where do bulls get their messages

A.

On a bull-etin board.

Q.

What do bulls do when they go shopping?

A.

They CHARGE!

Q.

What is invisible and smells like carrots?

A.

Bunny Farts!

Q.

What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in?

A.

A water bed!

Q.

What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup?

A.

Firecrackers!

Q.

Why did the barber win the race?

A.

Because he took a short cut.

Q.

What's taken before you get it?

A.

Your picture.

Q.

Why did the tree go to the dentist?

A.

To get a root canal.

Q.

Why did the child study in the airplane?

A.

He wanted a higher education!

Q.

Why was the broom late?

A.

It over swept!

Q.

What did one virus say to another?

A.

Stay away, I think I've got penicillin!

Q.

What pet makes the loudest noise?

A.

A trum-pet!

Q.

What is a tornado?

A.

Mother nature doing the twist!

Q.

Why did the pharmasist tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

A.

He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!

Q.

How do you tease fruit?

A.

Banananananananana!

Q.

Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?

A.

Because he wanted to work over-time!

Q.

Why did Tommy throw the clock out of the window?

A.

Because he wanted to see time fly!

Q.

How does a moulded fruit-flavoured dessert answer the phone?

A.

Jell-o!

Q.

When do you stop at green and go at red?

A.

When you're eating a watermelon!

Q.

How did the farmer mend his pants?

A.

With cabbage patches!

Q.

What do you call artificial spaghetti?

A.

Mockaroni!

Q.

What happens to a hamburger that misses a lot of school?

A.

He has a lot of ketchup time!

Q.

Why did the man at the orange juice factory lose his job?

A.

He couldn't concentrate!

Q.

How do you repair a broken tomato?

A.

Tomato Paste!

Q.

Why did the baby strawberry cry?

A.

Because his parents were in a jam!

Q. What did the hamburger name his daughter?

A. Patty!

Q. When does a cart come before a horse?

A. In the dictionary!

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

Top Ten Things To Say About a Christmas Gift You Don't Like

10. Hey! Now there's a gift!

9.

Well, well, well

8.

Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7.

This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

5.

If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4.

I love it - but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3.

Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2.

To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1.

I really don't deserve this.

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

There's two fish in a tank, one says to the other "Do you know how to drive this?"

A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: get a huge block of marble, then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.

Q: How many artists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Ten. One to change it and nine to reassure him about how good it looks.

Q: How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four. One to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a cocker spaniel and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun and the cocker spaniel.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A1: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. A2: Two. One to change it and one to throw a bucket of water out the window.

A blonde goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband." "Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk. "No," replied the blonde, "the kind for under his arms."

This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:

Blonde: "We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb." Operator: "Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?" Blonde: "Yes." Operator: "The power in the house in on?" Blonde: "Of course." Operator: "And the switch is on?" Blonde: "Yes, yes."

Operator: "And the bulb still won't light up?" Blonde: "No, it's working fine." Operator: "Then what's the problem?" Blonde: "We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves. "

A blonde and a brunette are sky-diving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -

nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde jumps out of the plane

and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

On her way home she drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms

Innkeeper: "The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you make your own bed."

Guest: "I'll make my own bed."

Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."

A bald man took a seat in a beauty shop. "How can I help you?" asked the stylist. "I went for a hair

transplant" the guy explained, "but I couldn't stand the pain. If you can make my hair look like yours without causing me any discomfort, I'll pay you $5000." "No problem," said the stylist and she quickly shaved her head.

The personnel manager was impressing the applicant with the prospective job. "We make parts for microscopes. You'll be required to work with lenses that are ten-thousandths of an inch thick." "I can handle it," the applicant said, "I used to slice meat in a delicatessen."

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a

meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

Departmental Manager: "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

Hardware Engineer: "No, that will take far too long and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it and we can be on our way."

Software Engineer: "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see

if it happens again."

Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1!!! F1!!!" and nobody understood it.

Dear Boss,

I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me.

At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.

In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.

Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?

A farmer rushed to his phone one day to report that his nearest neighbor's house was on fire. He promptly called 911 to report the fire. In the calmest voice he could muster, he reported the fire was at his neighbor's house two miles down the road. The dispatcher asked "How do we get there?" The farmer hesitated a few seconds then asked "Don't you, guys, have those big red trucks anymore?"

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"

"Do you drink a lot?"

"Not really - I spill most of it!"

* * *

"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"

"Yes, of course

"

"Great! I never could before!"

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."

Patient: "Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."

Doctor: "I have some bad news and some very bad news."

Patient: "Well, might as well give me the bad news first."

Doctor: "The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live."

Patient: "24 hours! Thats terrible!!! What could be Worse?! What's the very bad news?"

Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

The doctor said, "Where?"

He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

If it is dry - add moist; if it is moisten - add dryness. Congratulations, now you are a dermatologist.

Patient: "Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain."

Eye doctor: "Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking."

* * *

A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep

seeing spots in front of my eyes."

The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots."

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Fanny. Fanny who? Fanny the way you keep saying 'Whos there' every time I knock.

* * *

Knock! Knock! Who's There? A midget who cant reach the doorbell.

* * *

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up and let me in!

* * *

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Harry, Butch, and Jimmy. Harry, Butch and Jimmy who? Harry up, Butch your arms around me, and Jimmy a kiss.

* * *

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive across the road.

* * *

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Mummy. Mummy who? Mummeasles are better so can I come in?

* * *

Knock! Knock!

Who's there?

Boo.

Boo who? There's no need to cry, it's only a joke.

* * *

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Madam. Madam who? Madam key broke in the lock.

* * *

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I called by?

* * *

Knock! Knock!

Who's there?

Atch.

Atch who?

Bless you.

* * *

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Mister. Mister who? Mister last bus home.

* * *

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Ivor. Ivor who? Ivor sore hand from knocking so much.

* * *

Knock! Knock! Who's there? York. York who? York coming over to my place tonight?

* * *

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Isabel. Isabel who? Isabel broken? I had to knock.

* * *

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in, it's cold out here.

A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"

"No, I am an undercover detective."

"So why are you in uniform?"

"Today is my day off."

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and

scratchs out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "

"Head on boolevard

him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."

dang it! Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at

Customer: "Waiter, waiter, do you have frog's legs?" Waiter: "Certainly, Sir!" Customer: "Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!"

Customer: "Give me a hot dog." Waiter: "With pleasure." Customer: "No, with mustard."

"Dad, can you write in the dark?" "I think so. What is it you want me to write?" "Your name on this report card."

Girl: "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do." Mother: "But that's

terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this didn't do?" Girl: "My homework."

by the way, what was it that you

The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother: "What did you learn today?" Kid: "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

Teacher: "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?" Boy: "Somebody else's pants."

Teacher: "Johnny, what is the outside of a tree called?" Johnny: "I don’t know." Teacher: "Bark, Johnny, bark." Johnny: "Bow, wow, wow!"

Teacher: "Suppose there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?" Boy: "None." Teacher: "None? You don't know your arithmetic!" Boy: "Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"

Teacher: "If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?" Boy: "Seven!" Teacher: "No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?" Boy: "Seven!" Teacher: "Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?" Boy: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?" Boy: "Seven!" Teacher: "How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?" Boy: "I've already got one rabbit at home now!"

Billy and Willy were at Sunday school studying about Noah's ark. On the way home, Willy asked, "Do you think Noah did much fishing?" "How could he?" said Billy. "He only had two worms".

The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey wake that student up!" The kid next to this child yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!"

Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class." Boy: "I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could."

The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, "Now I'll show you this frog in my pocket." He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, "That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch."

Boy: "Isn't the principal a dummy!" Girl: "Say, do you know who I am?" Boy: "No." Girl: "I'm the principal's daughter." Boy: "And do you know who I am?" Girl: "No," Boy: "Thank goodness!"

Teacher: "Why are you late?" Boy: "Because of a sign down the road." Teacher: "What does a sign have to do with your being late?" Boy: "The sign said, 'School Ahead, Go Slow!'"

Teacher: "How do you spell "dog"?" Boy: "D, o, g, enter."

Boy: "I've just had the most awful time. First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy." Friend: "Wow! How did you pull through?" Boy: "I don't know. Toughest spelling test I ever had!"

The answer to the problem was "log(1+x)". A student copied the answer from the student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to

"timber(1+x)".

A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk about the time of meals.

"Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8," explained the clerk.

"Look here," inquired the farmer in surprise, "when am I going to get time to see the city?"

"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"

"Please wait, someone else is using it."

Chess Player

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen." "Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

Singing Frog

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.

The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

High Mileage

A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked

with at a bar. The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal." "That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car." "Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde