My Funniest Funnies

Let me see you turn that frown :( upside -down

:) Don't Fart in Bed This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in. Freds' Note

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?" Deadly Fruit One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attacked them and knocked them out. When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne. The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me." So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed. Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed. The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy asks the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!" The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples." Parachute Trouble A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens... He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*!!

Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?" The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?" COLLEGE LEG TEST A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten legs on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species. The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got. Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name?" The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You tell me buddy! You tell me!" In the window of an Indian shop along River Road... "Why go somewhere else to be cheated, when you can come here"? In a Nairobi restaurant... "Customers who find our waitress rude, ought to see the manager". In a Westlands jewellery store... Ears pierced while you wait". On the grounds of a private school... "No trespassing without permission" On an Athi River highway... "Take notice; When this sign is under water, the road is impassable". On a poster at Kencom... "Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help". In a city restaurant... Open seven days a week and weekends too". In a cemetery... "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves". In a Mombasa hotel... "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 daily".

A sign posted in a tourist camp site... "It is strictly forbidden in our camping site that people of different sex, for instance men & woman, live together in one tent unless they are married to each other for that purpose". Spaghetti A doctor was having an affair with his Italian-born nurse. Eventually, she became pregnant by him. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave the nurse some money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know when the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of all the child's expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to you." Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked her what she thought might have caused the cardiac arrest. The wife picked up the card and read it to him: "Four Spaghettis: Two with sausage and meatballs, two without." A plane is about to crash. There are five passengers on board but only four parachutes. The first passenger says: "Im Zinnedine Zidane, the worlds best soccer player. Fifa needs me, I cant afford to die" So he takes the first pack and leaves the plane. The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says: "Im the most ambitious woman in the world. Im also a New York senator and a potential future president "She takes the second parachute and jumps out. The third passenger, Robert Mugabe, says; "I am president of Zimbabwe and I have 13 Million helpless people who always look up to me for guidance. Above all, I am the cleverest president in African history and Africas people wont let me die. "So he puts on his pack and jumps out. The fourth passenger, Nelson Mandela, says to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-Chinese school boy; "Ive lived a full and fruitful life and Im well prepared for the after-life so Ill let you have the last parachute". "Thats okay. says the boy. "Theres a parachute for each one of us. Africas cleverest president has just taken my school backpack". Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married. It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got

home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party. A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick." "Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?" "Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

A study was made recently to determine the average crime rate at international airports around the world. The study made use of an ordinary looking man standing in the airport terminal and reading a newspaper. He had an empty briefcase next to him, which he would ignore. Observers then recorded how long it took for the briefcase to be snatched: In Brussels the case was stolen within 4 minutes and 20 seconds. In Washington DC it was stolen within 3 minutes and 16 seconds. At Heathrow the briefcase was snatched in less than 2 minutes. In New York, the case was stolen within 1 minute and 5 seconds. In LA it took only 43 seconds before the case was snatched. The experiment was going to be held at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport in Nairobi, Kenya, but the people conducting the study were attacked by robbers on the way to the airport, beaten severely and the briefcase stolen along with the car! A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What's politics?" Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it to you this way. "I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me "Capitalism. " Your Mom is the administrator of the household, so we'll call her "The Government". We're here to take care of YOUR needs so we'll call you "The People". The nanny works hard all day for very little money so, we'll consider her "The Working Class." And your baby brother, we'll call him "The Future." Now, think if it makes sense. So, the little boy goes off to bed, thinking about what his Dad has said. Later that night he hears his baby brother crying so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks into the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is about". The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is having fun with the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep rubbish. What is the difference between men and women? 1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. 4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. 5. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before and after marriage. 6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 7. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. 8. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 10. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance. Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable." These are the top ten funniest excuse notes from parents collected by schools from all over this country: 1. Please excuse Lola for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. 2. Jimmy has been absent yesterday because he had two teeth taken out of his face. 3. My daughter is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute her. 4. Please excuse Jenny. She has been sick and under the doctor. 5. Sandra won't be in school a week from today. We have to attend her funeral. 6. Please excuse Holly from Jim today. She is administrating. 7. Kevin was absent from school yesterday because he was playing football. He was damaged in the growing part. 8. Amy could not come to school today because she was bothered by very close veins. 9. Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father's fault. 10. Please excuse Jesse from school. He had very loose vowels. I thought you'll enjoy this.................I did: At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN." Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think." As often as possible, skip rather than walk. Sing along at the opera. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day. Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!" A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" the man asked. The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your trouser pocket." The man then said "When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on." The wife apologised and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again. "Your horse phoned." Go Git Yo Mamma A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma.... A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are -- due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered to a complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver, getting out to see what was the matter, noticed one of the cows looking at him. "I believe it's your radiator," said the cow. The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker britches! He ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door. "A cow just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted, waving his arms franticly back toward the field. The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to glance down the field. "The cow with two big black spots on it?" the farmer asked slowly. "Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited man replied. "Oh. Well, that's Ethel," the farmer said, turning back to the man. "Don't pay any attention to her. She doesn't know a darn thing about cars."

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock. In one situation, he was waiting at a taxi stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he placed his suitcase in the car and took a seat next to it. 'Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?' asked the taxi driver. Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight. 'No, sir, I have never seen you before.' The puzzled Doyle asked him how he knew he was Conan Doyle. 'This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin colour tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you're a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. And so, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.' Doyle remarked, 'This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counterpart to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes.' 'There is one other thing,' the driver said. 'What is that?' 'Your name is on the front of your suitcase.' A group of burglars (of a particular hair colour) were robbing a bank. One of them pointed a gun at a teller's head and shouted: "Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!" The cashier laughed and said, "You mean H I S T O R Y!" The burglar shouted back, "Don't change the subject." Once upon a time... when my family was eating at a KFC, my brother was sent to the counter to get more honey-mustard sauce for the chicken strips. He was informed that it would be 45 cents for another little container. Dad gave him the money when he came back to the table for it, and my brother, about six at the time, took care of the transaction. After everyone was finished eating... my father, being one who can really make a point and not too happy about the cost of the fast food meal, sent my same twin brother to the counter to inquire, loudly, "How much are toothpicks?". The place roared. One day, a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride in the blonde's new car. Suddenly, some jerk pulled in front of them. The blonde then put her lips on the steering wheel. The brunette feared for her life, but had the courage to ask, "What are you doing?!" The blonde calmly replied, "I'm trying to blow the horn." Father: Why don't you get yourself a job? Son: Why? Father: So you could earn some money. Son: Why? Father: So you could put some money in a bank and earn interest. Son: Why? Father: So that when you're old you can use the money in your account...and you would never have to work again. Son: I'm not working now. "THE JUNE BUG" Tiny little June bug, across the open meadow flying. Constantly on the move, a life that's death defying. Trying to escape the birds, during the day in flight. Then the bats radar, who hunts them late at night. Nearly missing a cars windshield, as he crosses a road.

Then the long sticky tongue, of a very hungry toad. Nearly crushed by a shoe, as he sat on the ground. A boys string, where in circles he would fly around. Always hiding and dodging, just so his life to live. He's not in any hurry, his last breath to give. He's lasted half the summer, and is now very quick. As a fast learner, he knows about every trick. Then late one night, he was searching for his food, and was feeling very happy, in a careless mood. He came to a house, a strange light he decided to tap. Over to it he flew, the last sound he heard was zzzap. The quickest dental appointment I've ever had was when I sat in the dentist's chair, opened my mouth and had him exclaim: "WOW! you sure do have a lot of teeth!" You better believe I grabbed my things and was out the door. Who wants a dentist who's major patients were in the 'Dirty South' and a "lot of teeth" is more than four? He just wouldn't know what to do!!! Interesting facts: The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. Butterflies taste with their feet. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Starfish don't have brains. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards. The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed." It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined. The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honeymonth" or what we know today as the "honeymoon." In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes when you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. that's where the phrase, "good night, sleep tight" came from. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet. (developed by Western Union to test Telex/twx communications) The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable. Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten. Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head." Camel's milk does not curdle. An animal epidemic is called an epizootic. Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants. The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used. Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan All porcupines float in water. Cat's urine glows under a blacklight. If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from the town. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases. Non-dairy creamer is flammable. The only nation whose name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanistan. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building. If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will not be heads 5,000 times, but more like 4,950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified. The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural. Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams. Ben and Jerry's sends the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same sex. Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy. A group of unicorns is called a blessing. Twelve or more cows are known as a "flink." A group of frogs is called an army. A group of rhinos is called a crash. A group of kangaroos is called a mob. A group of whales is called a pod. A group of ravens is called a murder. A group of officers is called a mess. A group of larks is called an exaltation. A group of owls is called a parliament. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. "Three dog night" (attributed to Australian Aborigines) came about because on especially cold nights these nomadic people needed three dogs (dingos, actually) to keep from freezing. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak. Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since. [It floats in gasoline, too.] Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

The saying "it's so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a brass monkey" came from when they had old cannons like ones used in the Civil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation, called a brass monkey. When it got extremely cold outside, they would crack and break off... Thus the saying. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =12,345,678,987,654,321 If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. (ed. note: if the rider's head is up the horse's ass, the rider died a politician.) No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired." Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village." There are two credit cards for every person in the United States. The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night. A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes. A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants. Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump." Marilyn Monroe had six toes. If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. A snail can sleep for 3 years. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in firstclass. China has more English speakers than the United States. The electric chair was invented by a dentist. Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 million people. The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is one of the few places in the world a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time. If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck. Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without aMcDonald's. No word in the English language rhymes with month. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. Cat's urine glows under a black light. The first Ford cars had Dodge engines. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It to Beaver". In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. (although not individually!!) A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. Polar bears are left-handed. A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. For example, "House" in French, is feminine-"la maison" "Pencil" in French, is masculine-"le crayon" One puzzled student asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computer"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('le computer") because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won.

LOST IN THE PARK: A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home. "Oh Morris", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost ? " Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, "Lost I wasn't.....I was just too tired to walk home." "The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country." "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." "The future will be better tomorrow." "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world." "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." "For NASA, space is still a high priority." "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." "It's time for the human race to enter the solar system." "Public speaking is very easy." RAPID RESPONSE Working on a small town ambulance, it was not uncommon for my husband and me to stop at the local grocer to buy food for dinner after a call. I had gone in to get a head of lettuce and some apples. Unknown to me the floor was wet from the newly installed produce sprayers. Down I went, hitting my head hard. When I came to, the manager of the store was sitting beside me telling me not to move, that he had called 911. At the same time my pager went off and he looked at me and asked, What was that? I said "My pager, I am 911." He looked at me, shocked Boy, you guys are fast!" Little Billy, and his grandfather entered the vacation cabin, and kept the lights off until they were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed them in. Noticing them before his grandfather did, Little Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights...." An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest. No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place ... 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location ... it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams. "Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb."

"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin." "With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries." The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling. His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe." Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Desperate Dear Desperate: First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7. Good Luck, Tech Support "Park Bench" A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After a while a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello luv, how's about us going for a walk together." "How dare you," said the woman, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!" "Well then," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?" A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing. As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there. Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up... An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts... A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself (to get more money) for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain. More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travellers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendours of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available. "Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars... Did I Say That?!...... Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" Ouch, That Smarts!.... A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door."He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody... Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!.... In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to holdup a Bank of America branch without awe upon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Are We Not Communicating?........ A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!" THE HEARING AID Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson. "That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000." "Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser. The salesperson

put the device around Morris' neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed. "How does it work?" , asked Morris. "For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder." One summer when I was still in college, I got a job working on a film crew as a gofer. They were shooting in a job in Oklahoma that summer, in the oil fields out in the boonies. On the flight there I started to feel sick but just marked it up to motion sickness. Later, however I got so much worse that my boss took me to the closest hospital, where they admitted me, and decided I had to have an emergency appendectomy. My boss contacted my parents and I was soon in surgery. When I woke up I had no idea that I had been placed in the maternity wing, in a 4 bed ward. They were short of beds and that was the only room they had. Late in the day a young nurses aid came in to get me up, I was sore and drowsy and resisted. "Come on, now" she said "we'll go see your baby." "MY BABY" I shouted "I'm not even married, I don't have a baby." She looked shocked and the other women in the ward started whispering, she said There now let's don't get upset, I'll call a nurse to talk to you." Shortly a very kind nurse came in and started asking me questions that made me realize that she thought I was an unmarried mother. Just when I thought I was going to completely loose it, my boss arrived. "Well how are you feeling?" she asked "Crazy" I said, "Get me out of here, before these people give me a baby to take home." When my boss finally got the whole mess cleared up we had a good laugh about it, well she did, laughing was tough on my stitches. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way, Qantas is supposedly the only major airline that has never had an accident: P = the problem the pilots entered in the log. S = the solution or corrective action taken by the mechanics. P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on backorder. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for! P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windscreen. S: Suspect you're right. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Radar hums. S: Reprogrammed radar with words. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.

SALMON MOUSSE A housewife was having several couples over for dinner that night, so she wanted to cook something special. She slaved for hours that afternoon and finally created a masterpiece. Salmon mousse. Just before her guests arrived, she caught her cat nibbling away at the dish on the dining room table. She had worked so hard that she couldn't throw the mousse away, so she smoothed it over and served it anyway. Well, the mousse was a hit. Everyone took seconds or thirds. Proudly she stood to bring the empty plate out to the kitchen and looked out the window. There, next to the house, lay her cat. Dead. She had to confess to her guests that she'd served mousse eaten by the cat and now the cat was dead. The entire dinner party rushed to the hospital to have their stomachs pumped. The housewife, who hadn't eaten any because she knew her cat had, lay in bed--mourning the passing of her cat and fearing that the same fate could befall her guests. Then, the phone rang. It was her next door neighbor who said, "I'm sorry about your cat. I should have told you that I ran her over but I was just so ashamed and saw that you had a dinner party in progress....So I just put her on your lawn." There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?" "Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature." "Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up. "Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced. "Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door. Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son's room, a mother finally laid down the law: each item of clothing she had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents. By the end of the week, he owed her $1.50. She received the money promptly, along with a 50 cent tip and a note that read, "Thanks, Mom; keep up the good work!" One night at McChord Air Force Base in Washington, I was dispatched to check out the security fence where an alarm had gone off. The fence was at the end of the base runway. When I got to the scene, I found that a raccoon was the culprit, so I ran around and flapped my arms to scare off the animal. Suddenly an air-traffic controller came over the public-address system and announces loudly, "Attention to the airman at the end of the runway. You are cleared for takeoff." The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer." One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe." A teacher was correcting exam papers when he came across Peter's effort: a sheet of paper, blank apart from his name and "Act II Macbeth. Scene V. Line 28". The teacher reached for his Shakespeare and turned to Macbeth where he found that the 28th line of the fifth scene of the second act read, "I cannot do this bloody thing." THE CHRISTMAS HOBBY HORSE: A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a Christmas present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour. It took the old man two days to assemble the toy. Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company.

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," Little Johnny replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?" "Yep," said Johnny "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'" Unauthorized Activity This one is a genuine hoot. It was an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. Wait till you read this guy's response.......but read the letter before you get to the response........ *************************** Mr. Ryan DeVries 2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339 SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County Dear Mr. DeVries: It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2002. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions. Sincerely, David L. Price District Representative Land and Water Management Division ******************* This is the actual response sent back........ Dear Mr. Price, Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County. Your certified letter dated 12/17/01 has been handed to me to respond to. First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal Landowner and/or Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to

challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams.). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office. Sincerely, Stephen L.Tvedten ******************* Here is one story about people shoveling the snow for a parking space in front their house. This apparently is a problem for the Chicago police every winter. What happens is that somebody will park in a nearby parking lot, then slave away for how ever many hours it takes to shovel out a carsized space in front of his house, naturally so he can park his car there. Then he goes back to the lot to get his car. When he returns home, he finds that the space has been taken by some other car. He is, well, upset. What most people do is write nasty notes etc. and place them on the windshield of the offending vehicle. Where the police get involved, however, is the occasional case where the

individual vents his wrath in somewhat more violent means. Tires and throats have been slashed over this. One time a fellow got creative. Instead of doing the usual nasty, he got out his garden hose and watered the automobile down, real well. I mean, very, very thoroughly. The water, of course, froze solid. When the owner returned, instead of a car, he found a car-sized Popsicle. The note on the car read: "You want the space? Here, it's yours until spring! Even if you're not a grandparent you will enjoy this. A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following: We always spend our vacation with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big, brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck. My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded one day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren. I needed some supplies from a Sunday school cupboard that was seldom used and was secured with a lock. I didn't know the combination, but our clergyman offered to give it a try. Father Jack placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised his eyes heavenward for a moment. Then he confidently spun the dial and opened the lock. Seeing how impressed I was with this demonstration of faith, he smiled and confided, "The numbers are written on the ceiling." It's time once again to consider the candidates for the 2003 Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most uniquely successful lawsuits in the United States for last year. Actually, joint awards should be given to the plaintiff attorneys and the flaming idiots on the juries who awarded anything at all to these morons--who deserved NOTHING!!!! The following are this year's candidates: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed, to the tune of $500,000. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx! (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32- foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles. In 1990 a woman entered a Haagen-Dazs in the Kansas City Plaza for an ice-cream cone. While she was ordering, another customer entered the store. She placed her order, turned and found herself face to face with Paul Newman. He was in town filming a movie. His blue eyes made her knees buckle. She finished paying and quickly walked out of the store, her heart still pounding. Gaining her composure she suddenly realized she didn't have her cone; she turned to go back in. At the door she again came face-to-face with Paul Newman who was coming out. He said to her, "Are you looking for your ice-cream cone?" Unable to utter a word she nodded yes. "You put it in your purse with your change." A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ticked off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and kicks a chicken. He goes to

feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have milk in my cereal?" "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussycat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?" THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open. Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them? Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it ! n eeds to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? The asshole is usually in charge !! Finally, the guys side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are the rules! (Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!) 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape. Letter of recommendation 1 Phineas Dlamini, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2 hard at work in his cubicle. Phineas works independently, without 3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Phineas never 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always 5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended 6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 7 breaks. Phineas is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Phineas can be 10 classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be 11 dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Phineas be 12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be 13 executed as soon as possible. Addendum The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said

as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, " R5,000 for a male brain, and R200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used, the male brains are hardly ever used by the owners. so they are as good as new" "Teacher," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out." "What's that Joey?" asked the Sunday school teacher. "Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?" "Right." "An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?" "Er... right." "An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?" "Again you're right." "An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?" "All that is right, too," agreed the teacher. "So what's your question?" "What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin'?" A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?" And she replied, "They're up in bed." The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?" And she replied,"They're still up in bed." Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?" And his grandmother replied, "They're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "What gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here?" The little boy replied, "Well, last night Daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue!" He must have got himself stuck somewhere in his room. Grandma fainted. This is supposedly a true story from the Word Perfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "termination without cause". This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal : > "Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?" > "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect." > "What sort of trouble?"

> "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." > "Went away?" > "They disappeared." > "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" > "Nothing." > "Nothing?" > "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." > "Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?" > "How do I tell?" > "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" > "What's a sea-prompt?" > "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" > "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!" > "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" > "What's a monitor?" > "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. > "Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" > "I don't know." > "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the powercord > goes into it. Can you see that?" > "Yes, I think so." > "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." > ".......Yes, it is." > "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" > "No." > "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." > "Okay, here it is." > "Follow it for me,and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." > "I can't reach." > "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" > "No." > "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" > "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark." > "Dark?" > "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." > "Well, turn on the office light then." > "I can't." > "No? Why not?" > "Because there's a power outage." > "A power............ A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. > "Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" > "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." > "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was > when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." > "Really? Is it that bad?" > "Yes, I'm afraid it is." > "Well, ......all right then, .......I suppose. What do I tell them?"

> "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer." "Questions" 1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him? 2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be? 3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug? 4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away? 5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday? 6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching! READY FOR THE ANSWERS? 1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. 2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry. 3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug. 4. The answer is Charcoal. In Homer Simpson's words: "hmmmm...Barbecue." 5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow! 6. The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph The Husband Store A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have job s, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women

are impossible to please! Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day! STRESS I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description before looking at the picture. The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing. Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation:

No Need to Reply, I'll be in Hawaii on Vacation - Never take life too seriously.

1 People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually. 3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Ye right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? 4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their butts! 5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor. 6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? 7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new. 8 When people say 'life is short'. What do they mean?? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? 9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass? JOB APPLICATION I am apply to my job of security guard to you boss in you company of Shoprite. I complete to Grade 8 examination certificate in 1997. I am 27 ears to be Born of age and no mallied and no childish. My father is dead long time ago and my mother mary in Zaire country there 10 years now, no see she so nobody known to help me. My certificate is just sitting home for itself, but passes in Mathematics, Geography, Science and all subjects but fail in English because of Nyanja teacher, Mr Phiri, teaching me is jelos of myself. Me wear expenses cloth than Ngoni teacher.. I here people you want security guards to you company and I tell you I Am one of that job experience for 2 years. I shot thief dead. I want to Join the company of you and chase criminal out with me AK47. Please consider my aplication careful and call me any time because me Have celphone. I am red for interview with you. I am very hornest and can speak English free. Please also greet your wife. And rememba that English is not our mother land!! Yours in faith Pasopa Mampara My picture frame I look beautiful Pasopa Mampara A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. "Lead us not into temptation." While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a

hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust." A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy." The young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'" AYUBA bought a new mobile. He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said, 'My Mobile No. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610' Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense AYUBA : The future tense is 'u will go to jail' AYUBA : I am Proud, coz my son is in Medical college . Friend: Really, what is he studying? AYUBA: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him. AYUBA: Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night. DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok. AYUBA : Can I take it tomorrow, tonight is final game. AYUBA complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house.' Police: 'How the thief did not take TV?' AYUBA : 'I was watching TV news...' AYUBA comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine' He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for compliment.' How do you recognize AYUBA in School? He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board. Once AYUBA was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other. So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot. A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied "My wife's first husband." If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first? The Dog of course..! .at least he'll shut up after u let him in! She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.Then the mud fell off. My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours. That was only for the estimate. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?" Cooling Swimming The weather was very hot, so a guy desperately wants to take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming costume, but who cares? He was alone. So, he undresses and gets into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walks onto the shore in his direction. He panics, get out of the water and grabs an old bucket. As he holds the bucket in front of his privates he sighed with relief. As the ladies get nearby they look at him and smile. Then one of them says, "You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds." "Impossible," says the embarrassed man, "You really know what I'm thinking?" "Yes," the lady replies, "I know that you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom in it." Double Decker bus Two groups charter a double Decker bus for a weekend trip to Atlantic City. One group is all brunette and the other is all blonde. Once upon the bus, the blondes head upstairs and the brunettes hang out on the bottom level. The brunette group has a ball. They're whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go and check on them. When she gets up to the top deck, she finds all of the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead, each clutching the seat in front of them. "Whoa, whoa -- what's going on here? We're having a GREAT time downstairs!" One of the blondes replies through chattering frightened teeth, "Yeah, but you guys have a driver!" Q: Whats the difference between hard and light? A: Ive never had any trouble sleeping with the light on! Q: Did you hear about the stupid plastic surgeon? A: He stood in front of a fire and melted! Patent: Hey Doc! Everyone thinks I'm a liar! Doctor: Sorry but, I don't believe you! Q: How can you get your name in lights the world over? A: Change your name to Emergency Exit! Q: How do you start a polar-bear race? A: Say 'Ready! Teddy! Go!' Q: What did the police do when the hares escaped from the zoo? A: They combed the area!

Q: What do you do if your dog has ticks? A: Don't wind him up! Q: What do you get if you cross a cowboy with an octopus? A: Billy the squid! Q: What do you get if you cross a gnome with a vampire? A: A monster that sucks the blood out of your kneecaps! Q: What do you get if you cross a hen with a bedside clock? A: An alarm cluck! Q: What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an octopus, a sheep and a zebra? A: A striped, woolly jumper with eight sleeves! Q: What do you get if you cross a whale with a bird that quacks? A: Moby Duck! Q: What drink do frogs like best? A: Croaker-cola! Q: What flower can you eat? A: A cauli-flower! Q: What song did Cinderella sing as she waited four months for her photos to come back from the chemist? A: Some day my prints will come! Q: What time is it when you see an elephant sitting on your television? A: Time to get a new television! Q: What would you do if a rhino charged you? A: Pay him! Q: What's the best way to catch a rabbit? A: Hide behind a bush and make a sound like a carrot! Q: Which animal should you not play cards with? A: A cheetah! Q: Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? A: Santa Jaws. Q: Why can't a bike stand up by itself? A: Because it's two-tyred! Q: Why couldn't the sailors play cards? A: Because the captain was standing on the deck! Q: Why did the chicken walk onto the football pitch? A: The referee whistled for a fowl Q: Why do you call your dog Metal-worker? A: Because every time he hears a knock he makes a bolt for the door. Q: Why was the Turkey in the pop group? A: Because he was the only one with drum-sticks! Q: Why did the lettuce blush? A: It saw the salad dressing Q: Why was the belt arrested? A: For holding up my pants Q: What kind of nut has no shell? A: A Doughnut Q: What has teeth and cant bite? A: A comb Q: What keys cant open doors? A: Monkeys, Turkeys and Donkeys Q: What is the quietest sport? A: Bowling - you can hear a pin drop

Q: What kind of room has no doors or windows? A: A mushroom Q: What do you throw away when you use it and collect when you dont need it? A: An Anchor Q: Why isn't your ear 12 inches long? A: If it was, it would be a foot. Q: Why is a calendar so popular? A: Because it has a lot of dates. Q: Why do cows wear bells? A: Because their horns don't work. Q: What part of a car causes the most accidents? A: The nut behind the wheel. Q: Why was the broom late? A: Because it over swept! Q: Why is any compliment from a chicken be an insult? A: Because it's a fowl remark. Q: Why are spiders like tops? A: Because they are always spinning. Q: Did the people laugh when the lady fell on the ice? A: No but the ice cracked up. Q: Why are mummies good secret agents? A: Because they are good at keeping things under wraps! Q: What do you call a country, where all the cars in it are pink? A: A pink carnation Q: What did Frankenstein say after his brain transplant? A: I think I changed my mind. Q: Why did humpty dumpty have a great fall? A: To make up for a lousy summer Q: Why did the farmer plant old car parts in his garden? A: He wanted to raise a bumper crop. Q: What bird never goes to a barber? A: A bald eagle Q: What does a dancer usually drink? A: Tap water Q: What would happen if pigs could fly? A: Bacon would go up. Q: Why is a bride always out of luck on her wedding day? A: Because she never marries the best man. Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud. Well, sir, it was ground only five minutes ago. Q: What do you get when you cross a pastry chef with a soft drink. A: Baking soda. Q: How do athletes stay cool during a game? A: They stand near the fans! Q: What should a slow runner eat before a race? A: Ketchup Q: What kind of banks do alligators use? A: Riverbanks Q: Why are movie stars cool? A: Because they have so many fans. Q: Where do they store Chinese boats?

A: In a junkyard. Q: What is the smartest animal? A: A skunk, because it makes a lot of scents (sense). Q: Why did the minister visit different car lots every day? A: He was looking for convertibles! Puns Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess? If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open. There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Patron to waiter: "Do you have frog legs? Waiter: "No, but I am pigeon toed." Office Secretary: "I bought this mini-recorder." Manager: "What do you use it for?" Office Secretary: "Well, it's only good for small talk." There's a new trend of carrying water in a pail. But like any trend, some people prefer to bucket. My cross-eyed teacher has a problem. Apparently she can't control her pupils. A Man who eats metal paper fastenings has a staple diet. A manufacturer of percussion instruments tried to drum up some business. "I saw Pinocchio last night! No, not the movie, the real Pinocchio!" "You're joking?" "Nope, I wooden kid you!" Your veterinarian knows how to make your dog heal. Two nuclear physicists got married recently. The ceremony was beautiful - she was absolutely radiant, and he was glowing too. Even the bridesmaids shone. When an apprentice electrician made mistakes, his mother grounded him. But he finally got promoted and felt a surge after the switch. He was really a highenergy person. In order to become an electrician, you have to go through a battery of tests. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who waited on the street corner with a piece of bread? A: She was waiting for some traffic jam. Cunnilingus is a real tongue-twister. Q: What is the difference between movie theatre refreshments and movies at a police stag party? A: One is popcorn, the other is cop porn. CHILDREN'S PROVERBS 1. Don't change horses... until they stop running. 2. Strike while the... wasp is close. 3. It's always darkest before... Daylight Saving Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of... termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but... How? 6. Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty. 7. No news is... impossible 8. A miss is as good as a... Mr. 9. You can't teach an old dog new... Maths 10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink in the morning. 11. Love all, trust... me. 12. The pen is mightier than the... pigs. 13. An idle mind is... the best way to relax. 14. Where there's smoke there's... pollution. 15. Happy the bride who... gets all the presents. 16. A penny saved is... not much. 17. Two's company, three's... the Musketeers. 18. Don't put off till tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed. 19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... You have to blow your nose. 20. There are none so blind as... Stevie Wonder. 21. Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded. 22. If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries. 23. You get out of something only what you... See in the picture on the box. 24. When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way. 25. A bird in the hand... is going to poop on you. LABOUR PAINS A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested, both said they were very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt

fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch. Q: What game do cows play at parties? A: Mooosical Chairs. Q: What do cows do for entertainment? A: They rent moovies! Q: What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed wire? A: It was an udder catastrophe. Q: What do you call a cow in an earthquake? A: A milkshake. Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: GROUND beef. Q: What do you call a calf after it is six months old? A: Seven months old. Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide. Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: It was the chickens day off. Q: On which side does a chicken have the most feathers? A: The outside. Q: What do birds need when theyre sick? A: A tweetment. Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice? A: Because it was a double crosser. Q: What bird can lift the most? A: A crane. Q: What do you get when you cross a cement mixer and a chicken? A: A brick layer! Q: Why did the chicken get sent off? A: For persistent fowl play! Q: Why do birds fly south in the winter? A: Because its too far to walk! Q: What would you get if you crossed the first signer of the Declaration of Independence with a rooster? A: John Hancock-a-doodle-doo! Q: Why wouldn't the butterfly go to the dance? A: It was a moth-ball. Q: What do you call a fish with no eye? A: FSH! Q: Whats the difference between a fish and a piano? A: You cant tune-a fish! Q: How do electric eels taste?

A: Shocking! Q: How do you stop fish from smelling? A: You cut their noses off! Q: Whats grey, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.? A: The Presidential Seal. Q: What happens when frogs park illegally? A: They get toad. Q: What do frogs drink? A: Croak-a-Cola. Q: Why did the frog cross the road? A: To see what was hoppining over there. Q: Why dont elephants smoke? A: They cant fit their butts in the ashtray! Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a kangaroo? A: Big holes all over Australia! Q: What happened when the elephant sat on the car? A: Everyone knows a Mercedes bends! Q: What do you get if you have 100 rabbits in a row, and 99 step back? A: A receding hare line. Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on it. Q: What do you get when you cross an insect with a rabbit? A: Bugs Bunny. Q: Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested? A: He was charged with battery. Q: What kind of cookies do cats like? A: Chocolate chirp cookies. Q: What did the lion say when he saw the kid on his skateboard? A: Meals on Wheels! Q: If there were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? A: None, because the rest were copy cats! Q: What kind of cats like to go bowling? A: Alley cats. Q: Spell MOUSETRAP in three letters. A: C-A-T. Q: Why is it hard to play cards in the jungle? A: There are too many cheetahs Q: Why did the snowman call his dog Frost? A: Because Frost bites. Q: What do you call a no-legged dog? A: Nothing. He wont come anyway. Q: What do you call a group of boring, spotted dogs? A: 101 Dull-matians. Q: What do you get if you crossed Lassie and vegetable? A: Collieflower. Q: What bone will a dog never eat? A: A trombone. Q: What is one word a dog can say? A: Bark! Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A: Because they have big fingers!!

Q: Whats the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed? A: Go sleep somewhere else Q: Why couldnt the long-neck dinosaur see? A: Because he had his head in the clouds. Q: What dinosaur love pancakes? A: A try-syrup-tops. Q: How do dinosaurs pay their bills? A: With tyrannosaurus checks. Q: What do you call a dinosaur that wears cowboy boots and a hat? A: Tyrannosaurus Tex. Q: What does a Triceratops sit on? A: On Tricera-bottom! Q: What do you call a sleeping prehistoric animal? A: A dina-snore. Q: What do you take before every meal? A: A seat. Q: Where were lemons first found? A: In a tree! Q: What do you give an injured lemon? A: Lemon-ade. Q: Have you heard the joke about butter? A: I cant tell you because then youll spread it. Q: Why did the cook hunt his eggs? A: He liked them poached! Q: What do sea monsters eat? A: Fish and ships! Q: What has no beginning, no end and nothing in the middle? A: A doughnut! Q: Whats a trees favorite drink? A: Root beer. Q: Why did the doughnut shop close? A: The owner got tired of the (w)hole business! Q: What did one plate say to the other? A: Lunch is on me! Q: What do potatoes wear to bed? A: Their yammies! Q: Why did the tomato blush? A: Because it saw the salad dressing. Q: What did the grape do when it was stepped on? A: It let out a little wine. Q: What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? A: The cold shoulder. Q: If you peel my skin off, I wont cry. But you will. What am I? A: An onion. Q: What was the first bus to cross the Atlantic Ocean? A: ColomBUS. Q: What has a fluffy tail and flies through the air? A: A hare-plane! Q: What do you call a song sung in an automobile? A: A cartoon (car tune). Q: What has one horn and gives milk?

A: A milk truck. Q: What do you call a country where everyone drives a pink car? A: A pink car-nation. Q: What do you get when you cross a highway with a bicycle? A: Run over! Q: What does a houseboat become when it grows up? A: A township. Q: What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook? A: Wet feet. Q: What did Tennessee? A: The same thing Arkansas. Q: What did Delaware? A: Her New Jersey! Q: What clothes does a house wear? A: Address. Q: What country makes you shiver? A: Chile. Q: Which is the biggest country in the world? A: Cuba. Its government is in Moscow, its armed forces in Africa and its people in the US. Q: What is the biggest rope in the world? A: Europe. Q: Whats the biggest gate in the world? A: Colgate. Q: How do we know that the Indians were the first people in North America? A: They had reservations. Q: What always ends everything? A: The letter G. Q: What word is always pronounced wrong? A: Wrong! Q: Whats the longest word in the dictionary? A: Smiles, because theres a mile between each s. Q: What two letters do you say when you answer the phone? A: L-O. Q: If a long dress is evening wear, whats a suit of armor? A: Silverware. Q: What did the neck tie say to the hat? A: You go on ahead. Ill hang around for a while. Q: What did the rug say to the floor? A: Dont move! Ive got you covered! Q: What do ears and candles have in common? A: They both have wax! Q: What did the glove say to the ball? A: Catch ya later! Diapers and government need to be changed frequently for much the same reason. Q: Whats round and bad-tempered? A: A vicious circle. Q: What has a lot of keys but cant open any doors? A: A piano. Q: What did the mother broom say to the baby broom? A: Time to go to sweep. Q: What did one elevator say to the other?

A: I think Im coming down with something! Q: What always falls without getting hurt? A: Rain! Q: Why do you always walk with your right foot first? A: Because when you put one foot forward the other is always left behind. Q: Which is the fastest: cold or heat? A: Heat! You can always catch a cold. Q: What time do you go to the dentist? A: Tooth-hurty! Q: Which meringues always come back? A: Boom-meringues (Boomerangs)! Q: Why do you go to bed? A: Because the bed wont come to you! Q: Why did the computer go to the doctors? A: It had a virus! Q: What runs all day but never gets tired? A: Water. Q: Why is perfume so obedient? A: Because it's scent everywhere it goes. Q: How do you make a tissue dance? A: Put a little boogie in it. Q: What grade hurts the most to get? A: A B because it stings you! Q: What do you get if you cross a lamp with a violin? A: Light music. Q: Did you hear the one about the fireworks? A: Its a blast! Q: What did one firecracker say to the other firecracker? A: My Pop is bigger than your Pop! Q: What are the hottest days during the summer? A: Sun-days! Q: Why did the boy bring a ladder to school? A: He wanted to see what high school was like. Q: What happened to the boy who swallowed a flashlight? A: He hiccuped with delight. Q: Why was the little boy staring so hard at the orange juice carton? A: Because it said "concentrate"! Q: Whats a babys motto? A: If at first you dont succeed, cry, cry again! Q: How do you keep an idiot busy for hours? A: Give him a piece of paper with "Please turn over" written on both sides. Q: Where does the one legged waitress work? A: The Ihop. Q: How did the basketball court get wet? A: The players dribbled all over it. Q: Do you know why Eskimos always do their laundry in tide? A: Because its too cold out-tide. Q: Where did you get those big eyes? A: They came with the face. Q: Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? A: She ran away from the ball.

Q: Simon, can you spell your name backwards? A: Nomis. (No, Miss.) Q: How do men exercise at the beach? A: By sucking in their stomach every time they see a bikini. Q: What notes does the tightrope-musician have to worry about? A: 'C sharp or B flat!' Q: What sports star do cats like the best? A: Tiger Woods. Q: What kind of books do librarians hate? A: Overdue books! Q: How does a physicist exercise? A: Pumping ion. Q: Where was the Queen of England crowned? A: On her head! This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom." Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg? A. Nothing, they haven't met! Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables. Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? A. Frosted Flakes Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? A. An airbag. Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper? A. So she could lip read. Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A. You get to park in the handicap zone. Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? A. Pull the pin and throw it back. Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette? A. Artificial intelligence. Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? A. Cause it said concentrate.

Q. What is a brunette between two blondes? A. An interpreter. Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? A. "Are you sure it's mine?" Q. What do you call a blond with a brain? A. A golden retriever. Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax? A. It has a stamp on it. Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio? A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too. Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor? A. Oh no, I'm going to fall again! Q. Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A. It takes too long to retrain them. A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!" A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No" A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."! A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you." A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator

swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!" Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...." There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day" A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?" There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde say a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home. A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirt field. She drove over to her and said, "It's idiots like you that give blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your butt!" A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are." The cashier leaned over the counter and said: "Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg" Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down." A blonde, brunette and redhead woman decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and a drink she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I'm pretty sure those other two girls used their arms. A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it.... Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?" Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65." Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!" Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts. Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful." Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119". There were these three women who escaped from prison. A blonde and two brunets. So to get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were three burlap sacks sitting around. So they hid in them. When the cops came to the farm house the one of the cops saw the sacks, the officers yells, "There's just three burlap sacks in here!" To which his partner replies, "Then kick them just to be sure it's not them hiding". The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunet in it and she yells, "MEEEYYOWW!" the officer said "Oh, its just a stupid cat in there." So he kicks the one with the other brunet in it and she yells, "RUUFFF RUFFF!", so the officer says, "Oh, it's just a stupid dog!" Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, "POTATOES!" There's 1 redhead 1 brunette and 1 blonde. Their all at the NASA space center. The redhead says to the flight technician "I want to go to the moon". The flight technician says she can go tomorrow. The brunette says "I want to go to Mars". He says she can go next week. The blonde says "I want to go to the sun". The flight technician says, "Don't you know you'll burn up?" The blonde says "Well then I'll go at night." A beautiful blonde lady stepped onto a plane going to L.A. and sat down in first class. The flight attendant proceeded to go around the airplane checking the ticket stubs of each passenger to make sure they were all in the right seats. When she got to the Blonde woman she noticed that it was for Coach seating, not first class. She tells the woman, "You're ticket says coach maam and we have a full flight today. I'm going to have to ask you to move." To which the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Confused, the stewardess gets her supervisor. Again, she tells the woman that she must move. Again, the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Also confused, they go get the captain. He tells the woman that she must move. The blonde starts to say, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful..." when he interrupts and asks, "Can I whisper something in your ear?" "Sure" she replies and he proceeds to whisper something in her ear. Suddenly she gets up and goes back to coach seating with a look of surprise on her face. The flight attendants are startled. "How did you get her to move?" "I told her that first class wasn't going to L.A." A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The

woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave." A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb. A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!" "Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her. "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!" Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?" "It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde. The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book." A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?" "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying "You've Got Mail." There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red-head that was going on vacation to a native island. The brunette brought a portable fridge with her. The red-head asked her "Why are you carrying a fridge with you?" The brunette replies "To keep all of our food in." The red-head is carrying a shotgun with her. The brunette asks "Why do you have that shotgun?" The red-head says "Just in case we run out of food, we can kill something to eat." The blonde is carrying their car door with her. They both ask the blonde "Why are you carrying our car door?" The blonde says "Just in case it gets too hot, I can roll the window down."

Blonde Inventions 1. The water-proof towel 2. Solar powered flashlight 3. Submarine screen door 4. A book on how to read 5. Inflatable dart board 6. A dictionary index 7. Ejector seat in a helicopter 8. Powdered water 9. Pedal-powered wheel chair 10. Water-proof tea bag A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up. During a rock climbing expedition, an accident occurred, as some of the grappling hooks gave way. This left the eleven climbers clinging precariously to the wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on the Mountain. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the weight on the rope would cause more of the hooks to give way and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. All ten blondes applauded. A blonde walks into a library and says, "Can I have a burger and fries?" The librarian says, "I'm sorry, this is a library." So the blonde whispers, "Can I have a burger and fries?" There was three blondes at the University of Texas. The Dean gave them the job of measuring the height of the new flagpole. So they put the flag pole in the base and are then on ladders trying to measure the flagpole. Finally an architect walks by and sees they are having trouble so he takes the pole out of the ground and lays it down and pulls out his tape measure and measures the pole. He writes the measurement on a piece of paper and walks away. The blondes look at each other and say "Just like those darn architects give us length when we wanted height. Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the dude who pushed me in the pool!" The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45

degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir." Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. Second Woman : "I know..." First Woman : "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me." A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..., Eight..." The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked. "Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?" "Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. "Thanks, but where do the copies come out?" A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony." The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way. None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that. The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. "Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office." Two guys rob a store, they burst out the door running as they hear the sirens of cop cars coming closer. The two dive into two separate bushes hoping they won't get caught. Soon the cop cars stop near the bushes and the two robbers hearing foot steps grow more nervous. A cop then grabs one of the guys out the bush laughing "Busted". As he drags the robber off he looks back shaking his head in shame... "Come on John!!!!!!!!" he screams "They got US!"

One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents. "Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!" Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer? A. He wanted cold hard cash! Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus? A. "Is that you mommy?" Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A. Frostbite. Q. What do prisoners use to call each other? A. Cell phones. Q. What do you get from a pampered cow? A. Spoiled milk. Q. Where do polar bears vote? A. The North Poll Q. Where do snowmen keep their money? A. In snow banks. Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels! Q. What dog keeps the best time? A. A watch dog. Q. Where do bees go to the bathroom? A. At the BP station! Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?

A. Odor in the court. Q. What did the water say to the boat? A. Nothing, it just waved. Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? A. Dam! Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other? A. They don't have the guts. Q. What has four legs but can't walk? A. A table! Q. Why did the turtle cross the road? A. To get to the Shell station! Q. What did the ground say to the earthquake? A. You crack me up! Q. What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers! Q. Why did the elephant eat the candle? A. He wanted a light snack! Q. What has 4 eyes but no face? A. Mississippi! Q. What did the spider do on the computer? A. Made a website! Q. Why was 6 afraid of 7? A. Because 789! Q. Why did the cookie go to the hospital? A. Because it felt crummy.

Q. How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? A. Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses! Q. What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A. A little horse Q. What do you call cheese that is not yours? A. Nacho Cheese Q. Why did the sheep say "moo"? A. It was learning a new language! Q. What streets do ghosts haunt? A. Dead ends! Q. What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? A. The Space bar! Q. Why did the boy eat his homework? A. Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake! Q. Why is Basketball such a messy sport? A. Because you dribble on the floor! Q. What bow can't be tied? A. A rainbow! Q. What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? A. Every morning you'll rise and shine! Q. What does a teddy bear put in his house? A. Fur-niture! Q. What season is it when you are on a trampoline? A. Spring time. Q. What happens to cows during an earthquake?

A. They give milk shakes! Q. Why did the jelly wobble? A. Because it saw the milk shake! Q. Where do cows go on holiday? A. Moo York Q. Where did the computer go to dance? A. To a disc-o. Q. What has one head, one foot and four legs? A. A Bed Q. Why didn't the chicken cross the road? A. He was a chicken. Q. What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? A. The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew". Q. Why was the guy looking for the food on his friend? A. Because his friend said its on me. Q. Did you hear the joke about the roof? A. Never mind, it's over your head! Q. What do you call a cow eating grass in a paddock? A. A lawn mooer Q. Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? A. Because he had no-body to go with. Q. What washes up on very small beaches? A. Microwaves! Q. What gets bigger and bigger as you take more away from it? A. A hole!

Q. What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? A. The road! Q. How do you make a bandstand? A. Take away their chairs! Q. Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? A. The scientists were brainstorming! Q. Why did Tony go out with a prune? A. Because he couldn't find a date! Q. What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? A. Hi Cliff! Q. What did Pooh say to his agent? A. Show me the honey! Q. Why couldn't the pirate play cards? A. Because he was sitting on the deck! Q. Why did the traffic light turn red? A. You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street! Q. What do lawyers wear to court? A. Lawsuits! Q. What breaks when you say it? A. Silence! Q. What has four wheels and flies? A. A garbage truck! Q. What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? A. Post Office! Q. What did the blanket say to the bed?

A. Don't worry, I've got you covered! Q. Why should you take a pencil to bed? A. To draw the curtains! Q. How many books can you put in an empty backpack? A. One! After that its not empty! Q. What kind of button won't unbutton? A. A bellybutton! Q. What did the penny say to the other penny? A. We make perfect cents. Q. Why did the man with one hand cross the road? A. To get to the second hand shop. Q. Why did the picture go to jail? A. Because it was framed. Q. What are two things you cannot have for breakfast? A. Lunch and dinner. Q. Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? A. So he could have sweet dreams. Q. Why did the robber take a bath? A. Because he wanted to make a clean getaway. Q. What did the judge say to the dentist? A. Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth. Q. What do you call a bear with no socks on? A. Bare-foot. Q. What can you serve but never eat? A. A volleyball.

Q. What did one teddy bear say to the other teddy bear when he offered him some dessert? A. No thank you, I am stuffed. Q. What kind of shoes do all spies wear? A. Sneakers. Q. What did one wall say to the other wall? A. I'll meet you at the corner. Q. Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? A. So he could tie the score. Q. Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? A. They both depend on the batter. Q. What did the alien say to the garden? A. Take me to your weeder. Q. What gets wetter the more it dries? A. A towel. Q. Why was the math book sad? A. Because it had too many problems. Q. What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A. A refrigerator. Q. How do you catch a squirrel? A. Climb a tree and act like a nut! Q. What do you do with a blue whale? A. Try to cheer him up! Q. How do you communicate with a fish? A. Drop him a line! Q. Where do sheep go to get haircuts?

A. To the Baa Baa shop! Q. What does a shark eat with peanut butter? A. Jellyfish! Q. Why was the pelican kicked out of the hotel? A. Because he had a big bill! Q. What do cats eat for breakfast? A. Mice Crispies! Q. Why can't a leopard hide? A. Because he's always spotted! Q. What do you give a dog with a fever? A. Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! Q. What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A. A sour puss! Q. What kind of key opens a banana? A. A monkey! Q. Why does a hummingbird hum? A. It doesn't know the words! Q. Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? A. Because they dropped out of school! Q. What goes up and down but doesn't move? A. The temperature! Q. What two days of the week start with the letter "T"? A. Today and Tomorrow! Q. Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? A. Neither, they both weigh a ton!

Q. Where do bulls get their messages A. On a bull-etin board. Q. What do bulls do when they go shopping? A. They CHARGE! Q. What is invisible and smells like carrots? A. Bunny Farts! Q. What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A. A water bed! Q. What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? A. Firecrackers! Q. Why did the barber win the race? A. Because he took a short cut. Q. What's taken before you get it? A. Your picture. Q. Why did the tree go to the dentist? A. To get a root canal. Q. Why did the child study in the airplane? A. He wanted a higher education! Q. Why was the broom late? A. It over swept! Q. What did one virus say to another? A. Stay away, I think I've got penicillin! Q. What pet makes the loudest noise? A. A trum-pet! Q. What is a tornado?

A. Mother nature doing the twist! Q. Why did the pharmasist tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? A. He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills! Q. How do you tease fruit? A. Banananananananana! Q. Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? A. Because he wanted to work over-time! Q. Why did Tommy throw the clock out of the window? A. Because he wanted to see time fly! Q. How does a moulded fruit-flavoured dessert answer the phone? A. Jell-o! Q. When do you stop at green and go at red? A. When you're eating a watermelon! Q. How did the farmer mend his pants? A. With cabbage patches! Q. What do you call artificial spaghetti? A. Mockaroni! Q. What happens to a hamburger that misses a lot of school? A. He has a lot of ketchup time! Q. Why did the man at the orange juice factory lose his job? A. He couldn't concentrate! Q. How do you repair a broken tomato? A. Tomato Paste! Q. Why did the baby strawberry cry? A. Because his parents were in a jam!

Q. What did the hamburger name his daughter? A. Patty! Q. When does a cart come before a horse? A. In the dictionary! One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money. Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation... The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride. The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!" A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years." Top Ten Things To Say About a Christmas Gift You Don't Like... 10. Hey! Now there's a gift! 9. Well, well, well... 8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit. 7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement. 6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There's lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious! 4. I love it - but I fear the jealousy it will inspire. 3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program. 2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity. 1. I really don't deserve this. Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted." There's two fish in a tank, one says to the other "Do you know how to drive this?" A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: get a huge block of marble, then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant. Q: How many artists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Ten. One to change it and nine to reassure him about how good it looks. Q: How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four. One to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a cocker spaniel and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun and the cocker spaniel. Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A1: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. A2: Two. One to change it and one to throw a bucket of water out the window. A blonde goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband." "Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk. "No," replied the blonde, "the kind for under his arms." This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?" Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: "We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb." Operator: "Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?" Blonde: "Yes." Operator: "The power in the house in on?" Blonde: "Of course." Operator: "And the switch is on?" Blonde: "Yes, yes."

Operator: "And the bulb still won't light up?" Blonde: "No, it's working fine." Operator: "Then what's the problem?" Blonde: "We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves. " A blonde and a brunette are sky-diving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?" On her way home she drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms Innkeeper: "The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you make your own bed." Guest: "I'll make my own bed." Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood." A bald man took a seat in a beauty shop. "How can I help you?" asked the stylist. "I went for a hair transplant" the guy explained, "but I couldn't stand the pain. If you can make my hair look like yours without causing me any discomfort, I'll pay you $5000." "No problem," said the stylist and she quickly shaved her head. The personnel manager was impressing the applicant with the prospective job. "We make parts for microscopes. You'll be required to work with lenses that are ten-thousandths of an inch thick." "I can handle it," the applicant said, "I used to slice meat in a delicatessen." A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do? Departmental Manager: "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way." Hardware Engineer: "No, that will take far too long and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it and we can be on our way." Software Engineer: "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again." Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1!!! F1!!!" and nobody understood it. Dear Boss,

I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me. At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk. In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak. Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready? A farmer rushed to his phone one day to report that his nearest neighbor's house was on fire. He promptly called 911 to report the fire. In the calmest voice he could muster, he reported the fire was at his neighbor's house two miles down the road. The dispatcher asked "How do we get there?" The farmer hesitated a few seconds then asked "Don't you, guys, have those big red trucks anymore?" "Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!" "Do you drink a lot?" "Not really - I spill most of it!" *** "Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?" "Yes, of course..." "Great! I never could before!" The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you." Patient: "Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone." Doctor: "I have some bad news and some very bad news." Patient: "Well, might as well give me the bad news first." Doctor: "The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live." Patient: "24 hours! Thats terrible!!! What could be Worse?! What's the very bad news?" Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday." A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!" A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?" If it is dry - add moist; if it is moisten - add dryness. Congratulations, now you are a dermatologist. Patient: "Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain." Eye doctor: "Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking." *** A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots."

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Fanny. Fanny who? Fanny the way you keep saying 'Whos there' every time I knock. *** Knock! Knock! Who's There? A midget who cant reach the doorbell. *** Knock! Knock! Who's there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up and let me in! *** Knock! Knock! Who's there? Harry, Butch, and Jimmy. Harry, Butch and Jimmy who? Harry up, Butch your arms around me, and Jimmy a kiss. *** Knock! Knock! Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive across the road. *** Knock! Knock! Who's there? Mummy. Mummy who? Mummeasles are better so can I come in? *** Knock! Knock! Who's there? Boo.

Boo who? There's no need to cry, it's only a joke. *** Knock! Knock! Who's there? Madam. Madam who? Madam key broke in the lock. *** Knock! Knock! Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I called by? *** Knock! Knock! Who's there? Atch. Atch who? Bless you. *** Knock! Knock! Who's there? Mister. Mister who? Mister last bus home. *** Knock! Knock! Who's there? Ivor. Ivor who? Ivor sore hand from knocking so much. *** Knock! Knock! Who's there? York. York who? York coming over to my place tonight?

*** Knock! Knock! Who's there? Isabel. Isabel who? Isabel broken? I had to knock. *** Knock! Knock! Who's there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in, it's cold out here. A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?" "No, I am an undercover detective." "So why are you in uniform?" "Today is my day off." A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb." Customer: "Waiter, waiter, do you have frog's legs?" Waiter: "Certainly, Sir!" Customer: "Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!" Customer: "Give me a hot dog." Waiter: "With pleasure." Customer: "No, with mustard." "Dad, can you write in the dark?" "I think so. What is it you want me to write?" "Your name on this report card." Girl: "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do." Mother: "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?" Girl: "My homework." The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother: "What did you learn today?" Kid: "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

Teacher: "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?" Boy: "Somebody else's pants." Teacher: "Johnny, what is the outside of a tree called?" Johnny: "I dont know." Teacher: "Bark, Johnny, bark." Johnny: "Bow, wow, wow!" Teacher: "Suppose there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?" Boy: "None." Teacher: "None? You don't know your arithmetic!" Boy: "Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!" Teacher: "If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?" Boy: "Seven!" Teacher: "No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?" Boy: "Seven!" Teacher: "Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?" Boy: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?" Boy: "Seven!" Teacher: "How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?" Boy: "I've already got one rabbit at home now!" Billy and Willy were at Sunday school studying about Noah's ark. On the way home, Willy asked, "Do you think Noah did much fishing?" "How could he?" said Billy. "He only had two worms". The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey wake that student up!" The kid next to this child yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!" Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class." Boy: "I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could." The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, "Now I'll show you this frog in my pocket." He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, "That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch." Boy: "Isn't the principal a dummy!" Girl: "Say, do you know who I am?" Boy: "No." Girl: "I'm the principal's daughter." Boy: "And do you know who I am?" Girl: "No," Boy: "Thank goodness!" Teacher: "Why are you late?" Boy: "Because of a sign down the road." Teacher: "What does a sign have to do with your being late?" Boy: "The sign said, 'School Ahead, Go Slow!'" Teacher: "How do you spell "dog"?" Boy: "D, o, g, enter."

Boy: "I've just had the most awful time. First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy." Friend: "Wow! How did you pull through?" Boy: "I don't know. Toughest spelling test I ever had!" The answer to the problem was "log(1+x)". A student copied the answer from the student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to "timber(1+x)". A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk about the time of meals. "Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8," explained the clerk. "Look here," inquired the farmer in surprise, "when am I going to get time to see the city?" "Room Service? Can you send up a towel?" "Please wait, someone else is using it." Chess Player A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen." "Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five." Singing Frog A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist." High Mileage A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked

with at a bar. The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal." "That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car." "Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car." The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice. About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?" "No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it." Pass me another blanket A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married." "Why not?" giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket." Smile for the camera A drug dealer decided to impress his friends by hiring a limousine for a big night on the town. His first stop was at a posh suburban residence to sell some cocaine to a rather influential individual. Hoping to earn a little extra profit by blackmailing his wealthy customer, the crook handed a camcorder to the limo driver and asked him to record the event for posterity. The driver, an off duty police officer, was happy to comply. Blind Pilot One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airline are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes, the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the flight attendants for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin to panic. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief, and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers are going to get used to us flying this thing, not scream and then we'll be in trouble!" Welcome To Our Flight A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 123, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather

ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax OH MY GOODNESS!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!" Life Raft Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. If you look out of the window on the port, or left, side of the aircraft you will see that the inner engine is on fire just below the fuel tanks in the wing. If you look out at the starboard, or right, wing you will observe that a widening crack has developed at the wing root, making it unlikely that the wing will remain attached to the fuselage. If you look down at the surface of the sea over which the aircraft is flying, you will notice a small orange dot. This is a life-raft. In it are your co-pilot, your flight engineer and myself. This has been a recorded announcement. Thank you for flying further on your own." Nothing To Worry About While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Goodness gracious!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!" Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs. "Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?" The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?" "There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help." The Intercom Is On An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers after the plane has taken off, and forgets to turn off the intercom. He said to the co-pilot, "I think I'll go take a dump and then put the make on that new

blonde stewardess." The stewardess hears it, and runs up the aisle to tell him the intercom is still on. She trips and falls in her haste. A little old lady looks down at her and says, "There's no rush, honey. He said he had to take a dump first." Boy Laughing Three men are on a plane. They open a window and one throws an orange out. The other throws out an apple. The third throws out a hand grenade. After getting off of the plane, they see a boy crying. They ask what's wrong, and he replies, "An apple hit me in the head!" They see another boy crying. He says, "An orange hit me in the head!" Then they see a boy rolling on the sidewalk laughing. They asked why he was laughing, and he replied, "I farted and my house blew up!" World's First Fully Computerized Airliner The world's first fully computerised airliner was ready for its maiden flight with out pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats. The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway. "Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman," a voice intoned as the airplane lifted off. "Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerised airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong..." Do You Know Who I Am It was a typically busy, crowded, chaotic Friday before a holiday at the Atlanta International Airport. Travelers, friends, relatives, airport personnel, pilots, flight attendants, the handicapped and infirm being transported through the throngs of shoulder to shoulder people. At one of the packed, ticket counters all of the ticket agents were doing their best to politely process each passenger as quickly as they could. A man toward the end of the snaking line of passengers was obviously impatient and very frustrated at having to wait so long in the slow moving line. He finally decided to march right up to the counter pulling his wheeled suitcase and demanded that he be given his boarding pass. The ticket agent turned, looked at him, blinked, took a shallow, deep breath and said, "Sir, as you can see there are many passengers ahead of you. We are doing our best to process the passengers as fast as we can. I'm afraid you'll have to get back in line". Outraged and red in the face, the man yelled at the ticket agent saying, "Do you know who I am ???!!!." The ticket agent turned, looked at him, blinked, took another shallow, deep breath, picked up the public address system microphone and said calmly, "There is a man at the Delta ticket

counter who does not know who he is. Anyone who may be able to identify this man is asked to please step forward and identify him. Thank you". British Engineers And NASA Scientists Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new airliners. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the pilot's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions. NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken." Lori, a young blonde woman, was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days, but finally she returned. Her friend, Susan, never saw Lori looking so sad. "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay. But you look so sad. Why? Lori said, "Cause I just can't get a man." Susan replied, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods." Lori said, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods because I needed to find something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it." Susan said, "I don't understand what you're talking about." Lori replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage." Susan asked, "So, how is that gonna help you get a man." Lori answered, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters." A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from skipping." Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses." "We don't have any," replied the first blonde. "Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden. "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on

the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden. "Take all the debris you want." And with that, he left. As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two. "Doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?" There were three women stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back. A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move. He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" The truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times." Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks." The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks." The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks." The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them. A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come nine exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days." Finally, the tenth and final blonde arrives with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets a picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others and they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives while chanting,

"51 days, 51 days, 51 days." The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!" A blonde, needed some extra cash, so she begged her friend at the highway department for a job any job at all. "Sure," he said. "I always have job openings to paint the lines down the center of the roads. Would you be interested in painting stripes?" The blonde agreed and began working immediately. The first day she painted five miles of stripes. The next day she painted three miles. But on the third day, she only painted one mile of stripes. The supervisor took the blonde aside and asked her what was wrong. "You worked so hard and painted so fast the first couple of days. Why are you working so slowly now?" The blonde replied, "Because the bucket keeps getting farther away." A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol Building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer how to get there. "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol Building?" The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 46 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off. Two and one half hours later the police officer returned to the same area and the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol Building, I said to wait here for the number 46 bus and that was two and one half hours ago! Why are you still waiting?" The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 37th bus just went by!" A blonde woman was standing at the pop machine; she put in her money and pressed the Coke button and out came a can of Coke. She looked at it and smiled. She took out a dollar, put it in the pop machine pressed the 7Up button and out came a can of 7Up. She looked at it and really started smiling. She put in the change from her dollar and pressed the Coke button again, out came another can of Coke. Then she was just beaming! There was a man standing there watching her, and he finally went up to her and said, "What are you doing?" She looked at him and said, "Duh, I'm winning!" This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and detects the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies, "Yes." He

asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has on a ski jacket and a fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, "For best results, put on two coats." Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?" This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours." The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose... they've pulled the ribbons off while they were playing." "OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars. Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose... they've pulled their collars off while they were playing." "There's got to be some way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, "I know! Why don't you take the black one and I'll take the white one!" On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told the students to start preparing for landing when they had dropped to 300 feet. The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?" "That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground." After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?" Is It Better To Be A Jock Or A Geek? Ways you know you are a computer Geek When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?" Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail. You're amazed to find out spam is a food. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server". And the number one sign you are an computer geek: Two Words: "Pizza's Here!" You try to enter your password on the microwave. You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, 'What's for

dinner dad?' Your daughter sets up a web site to sell Girl Scout Cookies. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year. Computer Repair A computer support technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced. He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it." About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.

If Life Was Like A Computer If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over! To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend". Hit "any key" to continue life when ready. To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster. To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel. To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings. If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers. When you lose your car keys, click on "find". "Help" with the chores is just a click away. You wouldn't need auto insurance. You'd use your boot diskette to recover from a crash. We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately. To feel like a new person, click on "refresh". Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse. To undo a mistake, click on "back". Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update". If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete". Scratching An Itch A man and wife were both in an Internet business, but it was the husband who truly lived, ate and breathed computers. His wife finally realized how bad it gotten when one day she was scratching his back, and he said

"No, not there. Scroll down a little."

Bill Gates Meets His Match

The following is a conversation overheard as Bill Gates was moving into his new house... Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss." Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?" Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated." Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date." Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there." Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker." Bill: "Stacker?" Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done." Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way." Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs." Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?" Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system." Bill: "You're kidding!?" Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way." Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work." Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?" Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work." Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?" Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it." Bill: "And when will this be fixed?" Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

Awkward Question At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?" Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off. Windows XP Error Messages A few of the new error messages that were taken under consideration during the development of the Windows XP operating system... Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. Close your eyes and press escape three times. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

Waiting The checkout line at the hardware store was getting longer and longer as the clerk labored to get the new cash register to cooperate. At one point she wailed "Oh no, NOW what do I do ? It just rang up sixty-four thousand, five hundered seventy four dollars in sales tax on a ten-dollar sale !" Suprisingly, the customers in front of me didn't seem too upset by the delay. Some even chuckled sympathetically. It wasn't until I got near the front of the line that I saw the neatly hand-lettered sign in front of the register: WE ARE CURRENTLY DOING BATTLE WITH OUR NEW COMPUTER FOR CONTROL OF THE STORE---WE APPRECIATE YOUR PATIENCE. Navigation Technique There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. He began circling around looking for a landmark. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with a guy working alone on the fifth floor. He banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?" The man replies, "You're in an airplane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to perform a perfect blind landing on the airport runway 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Quite easy," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East." Redneck Computer Terms Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods. Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern. Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick. Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro. Cache - Needed when you go to da store.

Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name. Terminal - Time to call da undertaker. Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited. Digital - The art of counting on your fingers. Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking. Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos. Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair. Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere. Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food. Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers. Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall. Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live. Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line. Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test. Rom - Where the pope lives. Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch. Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast. Life Before The Computer An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account! And if you had a broken disk, It would hurt when you found out! Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for awhile! Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode! Cut--you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head You Know Your Adicted To The Internet When

 Your favorites takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened. All of your friends have an @ in their names. You've already visited all the links at Google and you're halfway through MySpace. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg. You forget what year it is. Choose Your Punishment Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 and the buggy Windows Vista among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go." Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?" Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell. When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven." Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.

Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons. "So, how is everything going?" God asked. Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women? "That was the beta version demo," replied God. If Dr. Seuss was a technical writer What if Dr. Seuss was a technical writer? Here are several examples of what he may write to help you resolve your computer problems. If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! If the above doesn't help with your computer troubles, perhaps this will. If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall. And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Night Before Crisis Twas the night before crisis, And all through the house, Not a program was working, Not even a browse. Programmers were wrung out, Too mindless to care, Knowing chances of cutover Hadn't a prayer. The users were nestled All snug in their beds, While visions of inquiries Danced in their heads. When out in the lobby There arose such a clatter, That I sprang from my tube To see what was the matter. And what to my wondering Eyes should appear, But a Super Programmer, Oblivious to fear. More rapid than eagles, His programs they came And he whistled and shouted And called them by name. On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! His eyes were glazed over, His fingers were lean, From weekends and nights

Spent in front of a screen. A wink of his eye, And a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, But went straight to his work, Turning specs into code, Then he turned with a jerk. And laying his fingers Upon the ENTER key, The system came up, And worked perfectly! The updates updated; The deletes they deleted; The inquiries inquired; And the closing completed. He tested each whistle, He tested each bell, With nary an abend, And all had gone well. The system was finished, The tests were concluded, The client's last changes Were even included! And the client exclaimed, With a snarl and a taunt, "It's just what I asked for, But it's not what I want!" Software Development

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. 2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found. 3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs. 4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs. 5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4. 6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overlyoptimistic programming schedule, the product is released. 7. Users find 137 new bugs. 8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found. 9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones. 10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits. 11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs. 12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch. 13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. 14. Repeat steps 2 - 13.

Brake Trouble A programmer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do? "I know," said the Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way." "No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way." "Well," said the Programmer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the

road and see if it happens again." Signs That Your Co-worker Is A Computer Hacker You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President." When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down. Somehow he gets HBO on his PC at work. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" over and over again during the movie "The Net" My Space profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk." Saving Money Three programers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers a programer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the programers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the programers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers a programer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers

cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the programers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please." Is Windows a virus? With the problems being encountered by Windows users people are asking themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following. 1. Viruses replicate quickly. Windows does this. 2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. Windows does this. 3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. Windows does this. 4. Viruses are usually carried, unkown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Windows does that too. 5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Same with Windows, yet again. Maybe Windows really is a virus. Nope! There is a difference! Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So there! Windows is not a virus.

Trouble Solving One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!" Computer Programmer

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool." Computer Viruses Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does. Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years. Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer. Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network. Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee.. David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white. Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at

shopping malls and service stations across rural America. Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer. Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard. Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error). George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November. Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog! Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car. Nike virus: Just Does It! Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder. Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB. Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen. Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:. Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus." PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money. Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism". Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives. Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits. Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened. Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message. Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system. Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

Big Mistake A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wifes monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cows butt. Thats when I made my big mistake. What did you do? asks the doctor. Well, I lifted the cows tail again and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours! I dont remember much after that!

Information A woman, calling a hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better." The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?" She said, "Yes, darling! She's Betty Sanders, in room 1012." He said, "Oh, yes. Ms. Sanders is doing very well. In fact, she's had three meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Bertran is going to send her home the day after tomorrow." The woman said, "Thank you! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic! That's wonderful news!" The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend?" She said, "I'm Betty Sanders in 1012! My doctor, never tells me anything."

What Did The Doctor Say? A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she

replied.

Holes Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well. There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists, any place you got a hole, theres a guy who specializes in your hole. They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist cant help you, he sends you to a surgeon. Why? So he can make a new hole!

Cost Itemization A rich businessmans wife broke her hip. The businessman got the best bone surgeon in town to do the operation. The operation consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it. The operation went fine, and the doctor sent the business man a fee for his services of $5000. The businessman was outraged at the cost, and sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs. The doctor sent back a list with two things: 1 screw $ 1 Knowing how to put it in $4999 $5000 total The businessman promptly paid. Black And Brown A child psychologist for a school is asked to see a pupil who draws all his pictures with black and brown crayons. He talks to him. Nothing obvious. He gives him projective tests. Nothing shows up. Finally, in desperation, he gives him some paper and a box of crayons.

"Oh goody," says the boy, "I get an old box in school and only black and brown were left."

Trained In CPR After an accident, a woman stepped forward and prepared to help the victim. She was asked to step aside by a man who announced, "Step back please! Ive had a course in first aid and Im trained in CPR." The woman watched his procedures for a few moments, then tapped him on the shoulder. "When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "Im already here." Too Many Questions A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, Im a vet - I dont need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell whats wrong just by looking. Why cant you?" The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesnt work, well have to have you put down."

The Secret Of Staying Young Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered. The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening to other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me." The younger looking one replies, "Who listens?"

Fit Middle Aged Woman Five mornings a week, my husband goes to the health club, gets on the stair-stepper, sets the timer, and buries his nose in a book. Recently, he noticed an amazingly fit middle-aged woman who seemed to run circles around everyone, took few breaks, and rarely even broke a sweat. "It's not fair," he complained. "By the time I'm dragging myself off to the showers, she's hopping back onto the stepper for another session."

One day he came home with a sheepish grin. "Well," he said, "they're identical twins."

Why Are You Here Two kids in a hospital who were lying next to each other? The first kid leans over and asked, "What are you in here for?" The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid said," You've got nothing to worry about, I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!" The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?" The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision." The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

More Medical One Or Two Liners Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in? Doctor: A shoebox. Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more? Doctor: Sell! Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters? Nurse: No change yet. Patient: Doctor, you must help me. Im under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people. Doctor: Tell me about your problem. Patient: I just did, didnt I, you stupid monkey! Patient to optometrist: Im very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances? Optometrist to patient: Dont worry, you wont be able to see the difference. Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I cant remember anything!

Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem? Patient: What problem?

Vasectomy One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?" "Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy." "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?" "Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2." My Wife Is Going Deaf A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf." The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is." The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her. Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having POT ROAST!"

Memory Problems An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you

going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that." She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!" Medical One Or Two Liners What do you call 2 orthopedic doctors reading an EKG? A double blind study! Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places! Doctor: Stay out of those places! After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asks, "are these time release pills?" The pharmacist replies, "Yes. They begin to work after your check clears." Dr. to patient: "Well, Mrs. Jones, Im afraid youre not quite as sick as wed hoped."

Drawn Blinds The patient awakened after the operation to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. "Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor.

"Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

Top Ten Things You Do Not Want To Hear In Surgery 1. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. 2. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card? 3. Darn! Page 84 of the manual is missing! 4. Everybody stand back! I lost a contact lens! 5. Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie 6. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. 7. Whoa, wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? 8. "You know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, he's got two of them

Heart Transplant A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds. "Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?" "No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."

Even More More Quick Doctor Jokes Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show? Doctor: Absolutely nothing! Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor? Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown. Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body? Patient: Shhh, Doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room! Patient: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor. Doctor: Oh, really? Patient: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth. Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do? Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

Bad Cure A primary care Doctor, entrusted his practice to his son - a recent medical school graduate. When the the father returned, the son told him among other things, that he had cured Ms. Anderson, an aged and wealthy spinster, of her chronic indigestion. "My boy," said the father, "I'm proud of you, but Ms. Anderson's indigestion is what put you through college and medical school."

Doctor One Liners Doctor I swallowed a bone. Are you choking? No, I really did! Doctor I think I need glasses You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop! Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do? Use a pencil ? till I get there Doctor I think I'm a bell? Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring! Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu! Didn't I see you yesterday? Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something? Yes - here's a kite! Doctor how do I stop my nose from running?! Stick your foot out and trip it!

Broken Leg

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago ..." "Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine." "Are you sure?" she asked. "I'm sure," I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know. "I reckon not," I replied. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

Birth Control Pills Mrs. Jones went to visit her doctor. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Jones, but you're 68 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" Mrs. Jones responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" Mrs. Jones said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night." Expectant Daughter A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said. The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter

is pregnant." The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?" "No, mommy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!" The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out. He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?" "No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."

Even More Quick Doctor Jokes A patient walks into a doctor's office. Patient: Doctor, people ignore me. Doctor: Next! A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor. John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat? Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off. A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care." "Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month." Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown. Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

Good News Bad News 2 An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news, "the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it

would, he bought all 15 of your paintings. "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The man was your doctor."

Waiting Room I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!" The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room. About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company." The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."

Will It Hurt Much A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?" The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain." "I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks. "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..." "Like this?" "A little more..." "Like this?" "No. A little more..."

"Like this?" "Yes. Does that hurt?" "A little bit." "Now stretch it over your head!"

More Quick Doctor Jokes Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams? Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time. Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game. Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room. Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next. Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer? Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points? Doctor: Sell! Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place! Doctor: I am, bit by bit. Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled? Dentist: $100.00. Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work? Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like. Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow. Doctor: How do you feel? Patient: A little down in the mouth.

Good News Bad News 1

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus. Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Give me the bad news first. Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them. Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news? Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

One way not to open a safe. Police said two would-be robbers were arrested early Sunday morning in the parking lot of a Swiss Chalet restaurant in Ajax, Ontario (just east of Toronto), after spending more than half-an-hour trying to open a safe they had stolen from the restaurant by driving back and forth over it with a car. The two men, and a third still being sought, police said, forced two cleaners leaving the Swiss Chalet back into the restaurant at gunpoint, then bound them with duct tape, robbed them, and kicked one cleaner in the head. Then they dragged out the restaurant safe, loaded it into the trunk of one of the cleaners cars and headed out. Thats when they hit the speed bump in the restaurant parking lot. Out tumbled the safe. What to do? They decided the safe would open if they drove over it with the car. They did. If didnt. The frustrated robbers tried again. And again. And again. Damage to the car was extensive but the safe was barely harmed. A half-hour later, one of the cleaners finally freed himself and called 911. When the police showed up, the men were still busy in the parking lot with the reluctant safe. Police dogs ran down two suspects aged 18 and 19, who face a variety of charges. Police are still looking for a 21-year-old male suspect. Mug Shots One night three boys, ages 12, 13 and 15, broke into the local elementary school. They caused over $50,000 worth of damage to the school, including broken windows and destroyed lockers. They broke into the school office and pulled all the school records out of the file drawers and ran them

through the paper shredder. Determined to do as much damage as possible, they started piling trash in the middle of the floor, along with the contents of all the desk and file drawers. When they got bored with trashing the place, they played with the copy machine, taking prints of their backsides and faces. Being the neat and tidy boys they were, they kept the copies they liked and threw the ones they didnt like into a nearby trash can. The sheriff looked in the trash cans the next morning and found perfect mug shots of each of the boys involved. Big Check In Forth Worth, about a week ago, a man tried to cash a check at a bank. He had stolen the check from his mother-in-law and then wrote in the amount. The teller immediately realized something was up, and contacted the police, who found the 21-yearold bank customer with a gun in his possession and some marijuana. Oh, the amount of the check? $360 billion dollars. Small Change A man walked into a convenience store, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

Pizza Delivery Two men ordered a couple of pizzas using their real names, phone number and home address. When the delivery man had trouble finding their house, he called and arranged to meet the two men nearby. The delivery person got out carrying the pizzas and they put a gun to his face, a police spokes person said. So the delivery person threw the pizzas at them, got back in his car and drove off. The delivery man drove back to the restaurant and called the police, who had no problem finding

the correct house. Handcuffs A man had a little too much time on his hands one day and decided to play with a set of handcuffs he had lying around the house. He put the handcuffs on and, lacking a key, couldnt get them off. Did he call a locksmith? No. He called the police. The responding officers ran a routine computer check on the man and found an outstanding arrest warrant for failing to appear in court for driving on a suspended license. The man was taken into custody - wearing his own handcuffs. We took them off like he asked, said a police spokesman. Only he was in jail at the time. Stealing A Cash Machine Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper Going Through The Roof A man decided to break into an office building by cutting a hole in the roof. Everything went according to plan until he became wedged in a crawlspace. He got stuck and was trapped for several hours before passers-by heard his screams for help. He was taken to a nearby Hospital, treated for a dislocated shoulder and released into the custody of police. He's Back

A man filled out a check-cashing card at a store he intended to rob. He wrote down his true name, age, social security number and current address. He returned 25 minutes later, walked up to the same window and demanded money from the same clerk. Then he became so nervous that he ran out of the store without a dime. The store manager told police who the man was and they picked him up at his home, two blocks from the store. Pneumatic Tube A couple of geniuses pulled into a banks drive-up lane, put their stick-up note in the pneumatic tube, pressed the button to send it in, then patiently waited in their car for the loot to arrive. The police arrived a few minutes later and arrested the pair. Masked Man A first-time bank robber gave six $50 bills to a teller and asked her to exchange them for hundreds. As she did, the man pulled a ski mask over his face and put his hand in his pocket, feigning a hidden gun. When the teller looked up and saw the masked man, who was now demanding all her money, she screamed and ducked behind the counter. The robber got scared and ran out of the bank, leaving his own $300 behind. Serial Bank Robber We arrested a serial bank robber then arranged a line up. We had all the tellers and witnesses in to view the line up. I then proceeded to have them turn around and step forward. I asked each of the men to repeat the same phrase. When we got to number five, instead of saying what I asked him to say, he said, I didnt say that! Needless to say, he was identified as the perpetrator of several bank robberies. Digital This During a high school break-in two burglars found a camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime. When they couldn't figure out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasn't loaded and left it behind. The men

apparently didn't realize they'd been fooling around with a digital camera that stores pictures on a computer disk. Investigators downloaded the snapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The suspects were quickly arrested. Accidental Shooting An unemployed sanitation worker in Miami is facing life in prison -- for shooting himself in the privates. In a drunken stupor, the man reached for a pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun went off, and the bullet struck the man in the... nuggets. At first, he told officers someone else had shot him, but changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in his underwear. Cops ruled the shooting accidental, but the man was charged with a concealed weapons violation and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. The maximum sentence for those crimes is normally 15 years but, because the man has a record as a violent career criminal, a Miami prosecutor is asking the judge to send him away for life. The man's public defender calls that "ridiculous," and says the man's injury is punishment enough.

Escape A couple of inmates tried to escape from their medium security prison. They made a rope out of bedsheets and used it to scale a wall and climb down the other side. Unfortunately for them, the other side of the wall was still inside the prison grounds. They were promptly apprehended. Mommy and Clyde A young man asked his mother to drive him to the bank without telling her he planned to rob it. He told her to wait while he went inside to conduct his business. A few minutes later junior came running out with the cash, only to find that mom had parked the car and gone inside a nearby grocery store to do some shopping. Careless Shoplifter A crook went into a department store to try on a pair of pants. He liked the pants so much he stole the pants, a shirt, a watch and $100 from the clerk. Unfortunately, he ran out without his wallet, which hed put on a shelf while he tried on the pants. The wallet contained a photo of the crook, along with his name and address. How About A Demonstration A man walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer to a group of children. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification to use for demonstration purposes. The man gave them his drivers license. They entered it into the computer and moments later arrested him because information on the screen showed he was

wanted for a two year-old armed robbery.

Walkie Talkies A group of burglars decided to use walkie talkies to pull off their biggest heist ever. The radios, they figured, would allow them to monitor the police as well as coordinate their own activities. It never occurred to the mental athletes that the police might be listening in. They were. Intoxicated Robber When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

Success is.... At age 4...success is...not peeing in your pants. At age 10...success is...cooking your own meal. At age 12...success is...having friends. At age 16...success is...having a drivers license. At age 21...success is...having sex. At age 35...success is...having money. At age 50...success is...having money. At age 60...success is...having sex. At age 70...success is...having a drivers license. At age 75...success is...having friends. At age 80...success is...cooking your own meal. At age 85...success is...not peeing in your pants.

Ice Cold Water A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties. The Taliban asked, Do you have water? The Jewish man replied, I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $75.00 The Taliban shouted, Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

OK, OK said the old Jewish man, It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom. Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead Your lousy brother wont let me in without a tie!

Exercise Plan For People Over 50 Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.) After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Business Signs In a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission" On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte." In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels." In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want." In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional!"

At a diet center: "It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts!"

How to Make a Woman Happy It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be: 1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a master 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a carpenter 10. a plumber 11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist 15. a gynecologist 16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organizer 22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic 26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29. intelligent 30. funny 31. creative 32. tender 33. strong 34. understanding

35. tolerant 36. prudent 37. ambitious 38. capable 39. courageous 40. determined 41. true 42. dependable 43. passionate 44. compassionate WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 45. give her compliments regularly 46. love shopping 47. be honest 48. be very rich 49. not stress her out 50. not look at other girls AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO: 51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself 52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself 53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes..... IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: 54. Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes Jigsaw Puzzle A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started." Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............," he sighed, ..... "Let's put all of these frosted flakes back into the box."

Modern Truisms 1. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 2. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 3. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 4. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 5. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 6. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 7. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 8. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 9. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 10. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 11. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 12. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 13. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never run out of material.

Mental Hospital Phone Menu Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu: If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent , please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional , press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell You which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, hang up. it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway. If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6. If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. But

Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you. If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever. If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up. This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

What Women really Mean - Nine Useful Word Definitions (1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. (3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. (4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't do It. (5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) (6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. (7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not question, or faint; just say you're welcome. I want to add in a clause here: This is true unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say "you're welcome" in this case, for that will bring on a "whatever"). (8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying screw YOU! (9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has asked a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a

man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3. How To Turn Down An Unwanted Advance HE : Can I buy you a drink? SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money. HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours. SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours. HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice. HE : How did you get to be so beautiful? SHE : I must've been given your share. HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday? SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend. HE : Your face must turn a few heads. SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs. HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out. SHE : Okay, get out. HE : I think I could make you very happy. SHE : Why? Are you leaving? HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me? SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time. HE : Can I have your name? SHE : Why? Don't you already have one? HE : Shall we go see a movie? SHE : I've already seen it. HE : Where have you been all my life? SHE : Hiding from you.

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before? SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore. HE : Is this seat empty? SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. HE : So, what do you do for a living? SHE : I'm a female impersonator. HE : Hey baby, what's your sign? SHE : Do not enter. HE : Your body is like a temple. SHE : Sorry, there are no services today. HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2011 when 1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list. ~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself. Change A Lightbulb GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! ROTTWEILER: Make me. LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? TIBETAN TERRIER: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy! JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. POODLE: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. DOBERMAN: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch. BOXER: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark...... CHIHUAHUA:

Yo quiero Taco Bulb. IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.... POINTER: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.... GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares? AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.. OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb? HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZzzzzz.z.z.z..z..z..z...z CATS: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light? ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF...

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!! 1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. 2. SEAGULL MANAGER : A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. 3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard 4. SALMON DAY : The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. 5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles. 6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. 7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMs : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. 9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. 10. SWIPEOUT : An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. 11. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. 12. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. 13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Often feel like doing this to my computer...... 14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. 15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located. 16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions. 17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake). 18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks. 19. CROP DUSTING : Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

Wedding Anniversary Tony was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE!! The next morning, Tony got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Tony has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

Darwin Awards When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. the honorable mentions: The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER] When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Attitude A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As the bride undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big guy, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants", she said. "That's right!", said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that, the bride flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"

Bad Weather A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long. Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes. As he is coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers,"The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

Married Men Only In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?" "Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

Short Gender Jokes #1 Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?" Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears." Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?" Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself, 'what problem could be greater than this one?'" Husband: "What are you doing?" Wife: "Nothing." Husband: "Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour." Wife: "I was looking for the expiration date." A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor." Boy: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries and troubles and lighten your burden." Girl: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles." Boy: "Well, that's because we aren't married yet."

Wife: "Do you want dinner?" Husband: "Sure. What are my choices?" Wife: "Yes or no."

It Is Better To Be A Woman 1. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours. 2. We can cry and get out of speeding tickets. 3. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance. 4. We have the ability to dress ourselves. 5. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. 6. We'll never regret piercing our ears. 7. We can fully assess a person just by looking at her or his shoes. 8. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. 9. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point). 10. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

About Men #2 How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know; it has never happened.

Genie A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish." The man said, "OK, I'll try to think of a really good wish." Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing,", know how to make them truly happy." The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"

What Women Really Mean I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. Without you in it. DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS? We haven't had a fight in a while. NO, PIZZA'S FINE. You cheap slob! I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. I just don't want you as a boyfriend now. I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? I can't believe you have nothing planned. COME HERE. My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT... I don't like you. YOU NEVER LISTEN. You never listen. I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE. I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will. OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF. I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch. OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!! Well, near there; I just want to get this over with. I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. We're gonna make fun of you and your friends.

Food Riddles #1 What do you get when you put three ducks in a box? A box of quackers. Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the gambling casino? Because he was on a roll. Why did the student eat his homework? The teacher told him it was a piece of cake. What did the cannibal order for take-out? Pizza with everyone on it. How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator? Footprints in the cheesecake. What's in an astronaut's favorite sandwich? Launch meat. What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator? Close the door, I'm dressing! Where does a bat eat his dinner? On home plate, and he has a ball.

How can you make seven even? Remove the "S". Why is Turtle Wax so expensive? Because turtles have such tiny ears. Why did the boy bring a ladder to school? He thought it was a high school! If April showers bring May flowers then what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims! What's in the middle of a jellyfish? A jellybutton. What did Tarzan say when he heard the elephants coming? "Here come the elephants!" Why did the parrot wear a raincoat? So he could be polyunsaturated. What do mermaids have on toast? Mermerlade Why do elephants never forget? Because nobody ever tells them anything How do porcupines play leapfrog? Very carefully. What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? Put it on my bill. Why did the chewing gum cross the road? It was stuck to the leg of a chicken !!! What did the egg say to the other egg? Let's get cracking! What do you say to a cow that crosses in front of your car? Mooo-ve over. Why was the chicken afraid of the chicken? It was a chicken. Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the Shell Station! How do you know if there's an elephant under your bed? You bump your nose on the ceiling.

What would you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer. Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don't work. What pie can fly? A magpie. What did Mickey say when Minnie asked if he was listening? I'm all ears! Quips My mother came by to show off her brand-new Pontiac Grand Am. My eight-year-old daughter took one look at the car and indignantly proclaimed, "They spelled grandma wrong!" Little Jimmy's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?" Little Jimmy's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him. Little Jimmy replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!" My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long. "Because," my son explained, "they said it has to have at least four characters." The summer band class was just getting under way when a large insect flew into the room. The sixth-graders, eager to play their shiny new instruments, tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually one student, Tommy, could stand it no more. He rolled up his music book and swatted the insect, then he stomped on it to ensure its fate. "Was it a bee?" another student asked. "Nope," Tommy replied. "Bee flat." Sport Riddles #2 Why did the baseball player get arrested? For stealing the bases! Why were the baseball players so hot & sweaty? Because their fans went away! Why is Cinderella a poor basketball player? Because she had a pumpkin for a coach! Why did the campers bring a baseball player with them? To pitch the tent! Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback!

What kind of football player wears the biggest helmet? The one with the biggest head! Why did the golfer take a spare pair of pants? In case he got a hole in one! Why didn't the nose make the volleyball team? He didn't get picked! What is the difference between a heavyweight boxer & a man with a cold? One knows his blows and the other blows his nose! Did you hear about the marathon runner who worked as a chimney sweep? He was a great runner but suffered from Athlete's Soot! Why are baseball stadium seats so cold? Because FANS sit in them! Does it take longer to run from first base to second or second base to third? Second base to third because there is a shortstop! What should you do when 19 guys are running at you? Throw the football! What does a hunter do with a basketball? He shoots it! Which baseball team also takes care of sick animals? The New York Vets! Why are basketball players such messy eaters? Because they dribble! What do a dog & a baseball player have in common? They both catch flies, chase strays, & run for home when they see the catcher! Under Water A scuba diver was 20 feet down under the water and saw a man without scuba gear. The man without the gear went down 20 more feet and the man with the gear followed. They kept doing that until they were at the bottom. Now the man with the gear is confused, so he takes a waterproof chalk and board out of his bag and writes "How the heck can you stay down here without any gear?" The man without the gear takes the eraser and then writes "I am drowning you moron!!!" Greatest In The World A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!" "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world." Knock Knock Jokes For Children #5 Knock Knock! Who's there? Police. Police who? Police let us in; it's cold out here. Knock Knock! Doris. Doris, who? Doris locked, that's why I had to knock! Knock Knock! Who's there? I love. I love who? I don't know, you tell me! Knock Knock! Who's there? Norma Lee. Norma Lee who? Normalee I don't go around knocking on doors, but do you want to buy a set of encyclopedias? Knock Knock! Who's there? Tank. Tank who? You're welcome! Knock Knock! Who's there? Wendy. Wendy Who?

Wendy Red Red Robin Comes Bob Bob Bobbing' Along... Knock Knock! Who's there? Yo momma. Yo momma, who? Yo mama that's yo momma who, open the door! Knock Knock! Who's there? Mary Lee. Mary lee who? Mary Lee we roll along. Knock Knock! Who's there? Spank. Spank who? Spank you! Knock Knock! Who's there? Goat. Goat who? Goat to the door and find out! Silly Cat Jokes What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies. Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise? It's meow-sic to their ears! Why do cats eat fur balls? Because they love a good gag! Why does everyone love cats? They're purr-fect! What do you call a cat who eats lemons? A sourpuss! What do you call it when a cat bites? Catnip! What's every cat's favorite song? Three Blind Mice! What do you call it when a cat stops? A paws!

What do you call a cat when he first wakes up with the alarm clock? Catsup! Where do cats write down notes? Scratch Paper! Chicken Jokes #2 What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning? An alarm cluck! Why don't chickens like people? People beat eggs! Why did the rooster run away? He was chicken! What happened when the chicken ate cement? She laid a sidewalk! What did the chicken do when he saw a bucket of fried chicken? She kicked the bucket! What do you call a crazy chicken? A cuckoo cluck! Why did the horse cross the road? Because the chicken needed a day off. Why did the chicken end up in the soup? Because it ran out of cluck! What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll! Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan! How long do chickens work? Around the cluck! What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon? They go on peck-nics! Why did the chick disappoint his mother? He wasn't what he was cracked up to be! Is chicken soup good for your health? Not if you're the chicken! Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the referee calling fowls.

Why is it easy for chicks to talk? Because talk is cheep! Dinosaur Riddles Which kind of dinosaur can jump higher than a house? Any kind! A house can't jump! What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks! What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots? Tyrannosaurus Tex! When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining! Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever told them anything! What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything he wants! What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed? Find somewhere else to sleep! How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box? One. After that, the box isn't empty anymore! Where do you go when a dinosaur sneezes? As far away as possible! What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaurus Rex? Long distance! Silly History Riddles Why were the early days of history called the dark ages? Because there were so many knights! How did the Vikings send secret messages? By norse code! What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark? Floodlights! What did they do at the Boston Tea Party? "I don't know, I wasn't invited!" Why aren't you doing well in history? Because the teacher keeps on asking about things that happened before I was born!

What did Ceasar say to Cleopatra? Toga-ether we can rule the world! Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood. He had to walk 8 miles to school every day! "Well, he should have gotten up earlier and caught the schoolbus like everyone else!" Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom! What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common? The same middle name Geography Riddles What has 5 eyes and is lying on the water? The Mississippi River Where do the pianists go for vacation? Florida Keys What is the smartest state? "Alabama, it has four A's and one B." "What stays in the corner, but travels around the world?" A stamp! Where do pencils come from? Pennsylvania! What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore! What is the capital of Washington? The W! School Riddles #1 Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes. What's the worst thing you're likely to find in the school cafeteria? The Food! Why did nose not want to go to school? He was tired of getting picked on! How do you get straight A's? By using a ruler! What did the pen say to the pencil? "So, what's your point!"

Why did the kid study in the airplane? Because he wanted a higher education! How did the music teacher get locked in the classroom? His keys were inside the piano! What do elves learn in school? The elf-abet! Why did the teacher wear sunglasses? Because his class was so bright! Cat Riddles What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree? A cat-a-logue. Why did the cat join the Red Cross? Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit. How do you know that cats are not sensitive creatures? They never cry over spilt milk. Why was the cat so small? Because it only ate condensed milk. Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was some money in the kitty.

I Need A Loan A dog walked into a bank to see the loan officer, Mr. Pattiwack. He said "Hi! My name is Fido Jagger. I'm Mick Jagger's son, and I need a loan." So Mr. Pattiwack said "What do you have as collateral." Fido said "I have a black ceramic cat." So Mr. Pattiwack walked into his boss's office and said "There is a dog out here named Fido Jagger. All he has for collateral is a black ceramic cat and I don't know what that is!" So his boss said "It's a knick knack Pattiwack give the dog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." Elephant Riddles #3 What is gray with 16 wheels? An elephant on roller skates! What do you get when you cross a spider & an elephant? I don't know, but if it crawls on the ceiling your roof will collapse! Did you know that elephants never forget? What do they have to remember! What happened to Ray when he was stepped on by an elephant? He became an X-Ray!

What is grey and has a trunk? An elephant on vacation! Why is a snail stronger than an elephant? A snail carries its house, and an elephant only carries his trunk! Why is an elephant large, gray and wrinkled? Because if it was small, white and smooth it would be an aspirin! Why is an elephant so wrinkled? Because its too big to fit on an ironing board! Why did the twin elephants get kicked off the beach? Because they only had one pair of "trunks"! What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time to fix the fence! What did the natives do when they saw an elephant running down the path? They ran! What did the natives do when they saw an elephant with sunglasses on running down the path? Nothing, they didn't recognize him! Why did the elephant have a lousy vacation? The airline lost his trunk! What do a grape & an elephant have in common? They're both purple, except for the elephant! Why don't elephants like to go swimming? Because its hard to keep their trunks up! What do you do when you're stuck in an elephant's stomach? Run around till you get pooped out! How do you make an elephant float? Add an elephant to 2 scoops of vanilla ice cream & some milk! What do you get if you cross a jaguar and an elephant? A car with a big trunk! What do you do if an elephant charges you? Pay him! Who is big and wears glass slippers? Cinderelephant! Why did the elephant eat the wierd man? Because someone said he was "nuts"!

How do you shoot a purple elephant? With a purple elephant gun! How do you shoot a pink elephant? You hold his trunk until he turns purple, and then shoot him with a purple elephant gun! How do you get down from an elephant? You don't, you get down from a duck! Riddles #5 What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light! Why do birds fly south in the winter? Because it's too far to walk. Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools. What is black and white, black and white, black and white? A zebra caught in a revolving door. What do dogs eat at the cinema? Pup-corn! What's a snakes favourite subject in class? Hissssstory. What do you give a sick pig? Oinkment! What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's wife drive? A minnie van! How did the telephones get married? In a double ring ceremony! Three Men Three men, one from California, one from New York and one from Texas decided to have a competition. While on top of the hill each man had to throw his watch in the air, then run down the hill and catch it before it hit the ground. So the New Yorker threw his watch in the air, ran down the hill and bam the watch hit the ground. Then the Texan threw his watch in the air, ran down the hill and bam the watch hit the ground. Finally the Californian threw his watch in the air, ran down the hill, went and had a hot dog, did some shopping, came back and caught his watch. "How did you do that?" asked the Texan.

The Californian said "My watch is 1 hour slow!" A Tale Of Two Strings Two pieces of string meet one day in the park and while one goes on the slide the other goes on the swings. They're having a great time until one string decides to go on the roundabout. After a while, the string feels really dizzy and falls off, scraping across the tarmac and making as tangled mess of one end and falling in a heap. The second string looked at him and sighed "you're not very good on that roundabout are you?" The first string looked at himself and said "I'm a frayed knot". Riddles #2 How many balls of string would it take to reach the moon? Just one if it's long enough! What do elves do after school? Gnomework! If Ireland sank into the sea, what county wouldn't sink? Cork! How do we know that the Earth won't come to an end? Because it's round! What town in England makes terrible sandwiches? Oldham! What would you call theft in Bejing? A Chinese takeout! What animals are on legal documents? Seals! What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep? Dinosnores! What is the fruitiest lesson? History, because it's full of dates! What language do they speak in Cuba? Cubic! Why did the stupid racing driver make ten pitstops during the race? He was asking for directions! What is a myth? A female moth! Easy Riddles #2

Q: The turtle took two chocolates to Texas to teach Thomas to tie his boots. How many T's in that? A: There are 2 T's in THAT! Q: "What goes up, but never comes down?" A: Your age! Q: What gets bigger and bigger as you take more away from it? A: A hole! Q: How many months have 28 days? A: All of them! Q: Can you spell rotted with two letters? A: DK (decay) Q: Does your shirt have holes in it? A: "No, then how did you put it on?" Q: How can you spell cold with two letters? A: IC (icy) Q: "If you were in a race and passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in?" A: 2nd place! Q: What is the center of gravity? A: The letter 'V'! Q: What English word has three double letters in a row? A: Bookkeeper Q: "What has a head, a tail, is brown, and has no legs?" A: A penny! Q: "Knock, knock.Who's There?..AnitaAnita who?" A: Anita to borrow a pencil. Q: "Knock, knock.Who's There?..WooWoo who?" A: "Don't get so excited, it's just a joke." Q: "Knock, knock.Who's There?..figsFigs who?" A: "Figs the doorbell, it's broken!" Q: Knock-knock..Who's there?..AliceAlice who? A: Alice fair in love and war. Q: "Knock, knock.Who's There?..AnnieAnnie Who?" A: "Annie thing you can do, I can do better." Q: Knock-knock..Who's there?..YukonYukon who? A: Yukon say that again!

Q: "Knock, knock.Who's There?..BooBoo Who?" A: Well you don't have to cry about it. Q: "Knock, knock.Who's There?..TheodoreTheodore who?" A: Theodore is stuck and it won't open! Q: Knock-knock..Who's there?..CherCher who? A: Cher would be nice if you opened the door! Q: "Knock, knock.Who's There?..AmosAmos who?" A: A mosquito bit me! Q: "Knock, knock.Who's There?..AsheAshe who?" A: Bless you! Q: "Knock, knock..Who's there?..NobelNobel who?" A: "No bell, that's why I knocked!" Q: "Knock, knock..Who's there?..LeafLeaf who?" A: Leaf me alone! Q: "Knock, knock.Who's There?..lettucelettuce who?" A: Lettuce in and you'll find out! Q: Knock-knock..Who's there?..AaronAaron who? A: Why Aaron you opening the door? Q: "Knock, knock.Who's There?..TankTank Who?" A: You're welcome! Q: "Knock, knock..Who's there?..HawaiiHawaii who?" A: "I'm fine, Hawaii you?" Q: "Knock, knock..Who's there?..OrangeOrange who?" A: Orange you even going to open the door! Q: "Knock, knock.Who's There?..WhoWho Who?" A: Is there an owl in there? Question and answer jokes for children #4 Q: What do monsters make with cars? A: Traffic Jam Q: Why did the pony cough? A: He was a little hoarse! Q: What do sheep do on sunny days? A: Have a baa - baa - cue! Q: How do you know when a dog has been naughty? A: It leaves a little poodle on the carpet!

Q: Where do Aliens keep their sandwiches? A: In a Launch box Q: Why did the spaceship land outside your bedroom? A: I must have left the landing light on Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A. A nervous wreck. Q. Where do you find a no legged dog? A. Right where you left him. Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A. They're trying to get away from the noise. Q: How do you prevent a Summer cold? A: Catch it in the Winter! Q: What is the best day of the week to sleep? A: Snooze-day! Q: What does one star say to another star when they meet? A: Glad to meteor! Q: Why did the silly kid stand on his head? A: His feet were tired! Q: Why did the king go to the dentist? A: To get his teeth crowned! Q: What do you call a fairy who doesn't take a bath? A: Stinkerbell Q: What did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert? A: No thanks, I'm stuffed! Q: What did the little light bulb say to it's Mum? A: I wuv you watts and watts. Q: What tools do you need in math class? A: Multi-Pliers Q: What do you get if Batman and Robin get smashed by a steam roller? A: Flatman and ribbon. Q: When is a car not a car? A: When it turns into a garage.

Q: How much do pirates pay for their earrings? A: a Buccaneer! Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? A: He wanted to win the No-bell prize. Q: Why did the atoms cross the road? A: It was time to split! Q: What do you do when your chair breaks? A: Call a Chairman. That's One. A man and woman were on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to go for a horse ride through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the wifes's horse mis-steps and jostles the her. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, "That's one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride. A bit further down the path, the wife's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "That's two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on. As the afternoon sun began to set, the wife's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the wife's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a pistol from his jacket, and shoots the horse dead. The wife, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!" The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"

Wife Meets Mistress A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.

Say Something Positive A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself." He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Marriage Quickies #2 I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. I married Mr. Right. I just didn't know his first name was Always. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted' . Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Marriage Ceremony Question A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why is the lady dressed in white?" His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life." The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the man dressed in black?"

What Happened Last Night? Al wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Darling, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Al asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Al asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

Doilies As a new bride, Jean moved into her new home with her new husband. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it. For fifty years Bill left the box alone until Jean was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $90,200 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you." Bill was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice. "What's the $90,200 for?" he asked. "Oh, that's the money I made selling the rest of the doilies."

Wrong Remark A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife, "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill." She ignored the remark. A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, your butt really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well. Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

Marriage Definitions #1 An event which is called "tying the knot" - unfortunately, the knot can be a noose. A word which always means commitment - but so does insanity. The joining of two people, one who never remembers birthdays, and the other who never forgets them. The only legal method of suppressing freedom of speech. A condition where no wife gets what she expected, and no husband expected what he was getting. A status which depends upon two to be successful but only one to turn into a failure. Marriage is not a word, but a sentence.

Long March Army basic trainees at Fort McClellan were required to go on a demanding 12-mile march. They got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek. An hour later, feeling the heavy load of their packs, they wondered if the end would ever come. Men, our sergeant yelled, You're doing a FINE job. We've already covered four miles! Revitalized, we picked up the pace. And, continued Sarge, we should reach the starting point any minute now. Who Is The Bravest? An Army General, a Marine General and a Navy Admiral are all sitting around discussing who's service is better and whose troops are more brave. The Admiral (well into his second or third ice tea) announces to the group, " My SEALS are the BEST in the world and to prove it I'll have one do the impossible" as he reaches for the phone. Well the other two commanders are in an uproar and each one promptly calls for his best soldier. When all three representatives have arrived, the Admiral states, " Since it was my idea, I'm first" and

turning to the SEAL, he says " I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those 10 miles of shark infested waters, climb up that shear cliff and return with 2 bird eggs... unbroken of course." The SEAL (being the highly trained soldier that he is) turned running towards the cliff. After performing a triple-lindy into the water, the SEAL swam across the 10 miles (all the while beating off sharks with his bare hands) and reaching the far cliff, he began climbing. Near the top of the cliff, he grabs the two eggs and starts back down (all the time, fighting off mean birds). Upon reaching the sea he swims back across (once again fighting off sharks) and climbs back up the first cliff. He then runs back over to the Admiral and hands him the 2 unbroken eggs. The Marine General says "that was nothing", and turning to the Air Force Recon Marine he says " I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those waters, climb that other cliff, then move across the 4 miles of unmapped jungle and bring me back 2 eggs from the mountain on the other side of the jungle." And with that the Air Force Recon moved-out. Traveling down the cliff, swimming across the sea, climbing the far cliff, moving through the jungle and upon reaching the 2 eggs, he heads back (all the while fighting off lions, tigers, bears, sharks, and mean birds). Finally reaching the General, the Marine hands him the eggs. The Army General then says, "Very nice gentlemen, but here's true bravery" and turning towards his BEST (an Airborne Infantryman), he says " I want you to go down that cliff, across that sea, up the far cliff, thru the 4 miles of unmapped jungle, over the mountain and bring me back 2 eggs from the forest on the other side." The Paratrooper looks at the General, then the cliff, and again back to the General, where he says "No Way SIR!", renders a proper hand salute and walks away. The General turn towards the other two (both with their jaws on the table) and says, "Now gentlemen, that's BRAVERY...." Sentry Duty A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, Halt, who goes there? The chauffeur, a corporal, says, General Brandon. Im sorry, I cant let you through. Youve got to have a sticker on the windshield.

The general said to the driver, Drive on! The sentry said, Hold it! You really cant come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker. The general repeated to the driver, Im telling you, son, drive on! The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, General, Im new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?

AWOL Recruit As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor's office. The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go AWOL?" The recruit replied, "My first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull all my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn't about to stick around and find out what would follow that SIR."

Marine Rules 1. Sickness: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept the Medical Officer's statement as proof of illness as we believe that if you are able to go on sick parade, you are able to come to work. 2. Leave of Absence for an Operation: We are no longer allowing this practice. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for. 3. Death, Other than Your Own: This is no excuse. If you can arrange the funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off an hour early, provided all your work is up to date. 4. Death, Your Own: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job. 5. Quantity of Work: No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough. 6. Quality of Work: The minimum acceptable level is perfection. 7. Advice from the Commanding Officer: Eat a live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. 8. The senior officer is Always Right.

9. When the senior officer is Wrong, Refer to Rule 8. Military Computer The U.S. succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: "Attack or retreat?" The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: "Yes." The generals look at each other, bewildered. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: "Yes what?" Instantly the computer responded: "Yes sir." A letter from a new Marine recruit to the recruit's parents back on the farm. Dear Ma and Pa: I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay... practically nothing. Men got to shave but it's not so bad... there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you 'til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why.

The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in. Your loving daughter, Alice Smoke Signals An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac Escalade somewhere outside of Las Vegas Nevada. Suddenly his car breaks down. He examines it, and finds that a mechanic has to be called. But the chief has only $4, and no credit cards. So he gathers some wood, makes a fire and sends a smoke signal to his tribe: "Hey, send somebody to my location with $500!" The tribe recieves the signal, but to make sure of it's meaning, signals back. "OK, chief, but why so much ?" At this moment a ground test of a nuclear bomb is being held on the test field nearby. A huge mushroom-like cloud of smoke rises into the sky. The tribe signals: "Ok, Ok, chief, we just wondered, don't get so mad?" One Marine is better than ten taliban A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Marine is better than ten taliban". The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One Marine is better than one hundred taliban". Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again "One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban". The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its a trap. There's actually two of them. Your Call A transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call. Elmer Fudd On a Navy carrier the air wing was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd." The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing, "Be vewy, vewy quiet. We are hunting submawenes." Getty Under Way

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel. The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules - make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way."

Declaration Of War Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?" "At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes 8!" Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm." Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke."

"Really?!" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!" Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million." "Faith and begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back. "Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners." Story With A Moral The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one they began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?" "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they hatch." "That was a fine story Lucy." "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last ten with her bare hands. "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Don't screw with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!" Good Night A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted: Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is "Shut up!!!" The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room: "Good Night, Sergeant" Change A major needed to use a pay phone, but didn't have change for a dollar. He saw a private mopping the floors, and asked him, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" The private replied, "Sure." The major gave him an icy stare. He said, "That's no way to address a superior officer! Now let's try it again. Private, do you have change for a dollar?" The private replied, "No, SIR!" Punishment A C-141 cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland, and they were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing

the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out. When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded, "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Thule, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"

Cover Me The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broken into a store. At the scene, the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approched the store (to police, "cover" means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat, to Marines it means lay down a base of fire!). The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting. The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!". Hidden Air Force Base You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!" Speeding A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance. A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location." "I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish." The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?" "I-75, two miles south of Standish." A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you going when you hit shore?" Deductible The ensign was instructing a group of enlisted reserves on the potential for information about an attack transport their ship was towing. They were seated in a cramped room full of green scopes and crackling radios. The end of the lecture was concluded with these words: "Thus you can tell that there is no possible danger because nothing can approach within 2000 yards of us without our being aware of it at once." Just then the towed ship bumped into the main vessel where the lecture was held and all were thrown off their feet. While they were struggling to get up, the duty radarman said, "Now you men must realize something the officer lecturing you did not tell you. There is a 300-yard deductible on that guarantee!" Giving Back A Photograph A soldier serving in Korea was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

Reward A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?" Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds" Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!" General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds" Soldier 3: "The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!" General: "That's a strange but fair request, son! As the general begins the measurement: "What! Son, where is your left pinky?" Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sir!" Suspicious Excuses The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..." "Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down." "No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

Three Day Pass An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!" No Ears A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marines and eventually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide. The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The young officer answered," why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw her out also. The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (surprise). The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contacts lenses." The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't mention my ears. "And how do you know that I wear contacts?" The General asked. The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears." Speeding Navy Chief A police officer pulls a Navy Chief over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Navy Chief Petty Officer: I don't have one. It was suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle? Navy Chief: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Navy Chief: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Navy Chief: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?! Navy Chief: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense

situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Navy Chief: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Whose car is this? Navy Chief: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Navy Chief: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Navy Chief: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Navy Chief: Yeah, and I'll bet the liar said that I was speeding, too. Clean Restrooms The coach gave his Army football team a few days off. Several decided to go down to Panama City Beach for fun and relaxation. The Coach saw the players the first day back at practice and asked about their vacation. "Not good coach," said the players. "We never made it to the beach." "Why not," the coach asked, "car trouble?" "No," they replied, "every few miles down the interstate we saw signs that said, 'Exit, Clean Restrooms'. You have no idea how many restrooms we cleaned between West Point and Panama City." Even More Big Air Force jokes

1. No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized. 2. Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it? 3. Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock. 4. We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training. 5. It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong? 6. I thought YOU took care of that. 7. I've got the field in sight. 8. I've got the traffic in sight. 9. Of course I know where we are. 10. I'm SURE the gear was down 11. The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR. 12. Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly. 13. If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights. 14. We shipped the part yesterday. 15. I'd love to have a woman co-pilot. 16. All you have to do is follow the T.O. 17. This plane outperforms the T.O. by 20 percent. 18. The Air Force doesn't work as hard as the other services. 19. Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft. 20. I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument. 21. Base commander to the Inspector General: We're glad you're here. 22. Inspector General to the base commander: We're only here to help. 23. Me? I've never busted minimums. 24. I have no interest in flying for the airlines. 25. We will be on time, maybe even early. 26. Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys. 27. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons. 28.All that turbulence spoiled my landing. 29.I'm a member of the mile high club. 30. I only need glasses for reading. How Not To Give Bad news The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Anderson's mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Carlson, report to the mess hall for KP. Lettner, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Anderson, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Anderson his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Thompson's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, Thompson!"

Even More Office Truisms When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like. No one gets sick on Wednesdays. The longer the title, the less important the job. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives. An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse. All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own. Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over. The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...). If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. People are always available for work in the past tense. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy. Whoops A lady manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. What is your name? was the first thing she asked the new guy. John, the new guy replied. She scowled, Look I dont know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I dont call anyone by their first name. It breeds Familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only Smith, Jones, Baker thats all I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name? The new guy sighed, Darling. My name is John Darling. Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .

E-Mail Auto-Replies 1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position . 2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you. 3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all. 4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management 5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. 6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message. 7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' 8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. 9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response. 10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages. 11: I've run away to join a different circus. Office Truths A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today. A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well. If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already. Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it? I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking? Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it. Do not put statements in the negative form. 43% of all statistics are worthless. A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

It's lonely at the top but you eat better. MEETINGS, A practical alternative to work. Who Is The Boss The boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that Read: "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: " Your wife called, she wants her sign back!" Why does the parrot cost so much? A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, The parrot to the left costs $500. Why does the parrot cost so much? the customer asks. The owner says, Well, it knows how to use a computer. The customer asks about the next parrot and is told, That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system. Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told, That one costs $2,000. Needless to say this begs the question, What can IT do? The owner replies To be honest Ive never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss! Performance An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be. The Japanese team won by a mile. Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action. Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.

The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it. The next year the Japanese team won by two miles. The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives. Three Envelopes A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and the CEO was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press - and Wall Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes." Why Bosses Are Different When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough. When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human. When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm. When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original. When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on business. When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked. Bosses My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory. My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier." My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain. He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE. Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it. "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions." "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes. Boss talking to his staff " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decisions!" Boss to his assistant "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you." Wow Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but

you started it". Life At Work Is Good A young technician and his boss board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The boss is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life at work is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his boss all at the same time! Do you know who you're talking to? A Man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, "Get me a coffee quickly!" The voice from the other side responded,"You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?" "No", replied the trainee. "It's the Managing Director of the company, you fool!" The man shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?" "No.", replied the Managing Director. "Good!", replied the trainee and put down the phone! Office Terminology S-Z STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material. UMFRIEND: A personal relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dylan, my ... um ... friend." UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn: decruitment.)

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after lunch, "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps." Office Terminology A-O ADMINISHPERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands. CHIPS & SALSA: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa. CLM -Career Limiting Move: Used to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles. DILBERTED: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week." FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon. GOOD JOB: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again. IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generator running. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. Hiring Hints Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing. If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering. If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting. If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them. If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche. If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk. If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing. If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well. If they are sleeping, they are Management material. If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team. If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security. If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing. Whatever Happend To Ben Two advertising executivess were having lunch and talking. The young exec trainee said to the older, wiser man, "Where has Ben Harris been hanging out? I haven't seen him for a while." The senior exec replied, "Haven't you heard? Ben Harris went to that great ad agency in the sky." "Good Lord," replied the junior man, "You're kidding me, right? What did he have?" "Oh, nothing much," replied the elder exec. "A small toothpaste account and a couple of discount stores, but nothing much worth going after."

Signalman Job Interview Gary wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realized that 2 trains were heading for each other on the same track?" Gary says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains." "What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector. "Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Gary, "and I'd use the manual lever over there." "What if that had been struck by lightning?" "Then," Gary continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box." "What if the phone was engaged?" "Well in that case," persevered Gary, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there." "What if that was vandalized?" "Oh well then I'd run into town and get my uncle Bill." This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?" Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash." Signs Your Company is Planning a Layoff CEO frequently overheard mumbling, "Eeny, meeny, miney, moe."

Dr. Kervorkian hired as "Transition Consultant." Windows shutdown screen reads, "It is Now Safe to Start Looking for Work." Company softball team downsized to chess team. Sudden proliferation of teen-age geek interns. Your boss keeps asking you when he can "show your cubicle." Company president now driving a Hyundai. Annual company holiday bash moved from Sheraton banquet room to abandoned Fotomat Booth. Guard at front desk nervously fingers his revolver whenever you pass by. Giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters. Employee Discount Days discontinued at Ammo Outlet. Company dental plan now consists of pliers and string More Professions 1. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT - Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager." 2. SENIOR MANAGEMENT - (See above - Same sign, different title) 3. CUSTOMER SERVICE - Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager. 4. CONSULTANT - Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action. 5. RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" - As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market. 6. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO - You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter. 7. GOVERNMENT WORKER - Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job. 8. MARKETING - You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales. 9. SALES - Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also selfcentered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for

your golf game throughout your life. 10. TECHNOLOGY - Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth. 11. ENGINEERING - One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome." 12. ACCOUNTING - The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. 13. HUMAN RESOURCES - Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter. Wife Needs Help Carlson goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Carlson" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Carlson "I knew I could count on you!" Asprin One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers. "I can fix that with some Aspirin. I'll just take some and I'll be better in a second" So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away. The CEO says "We don't approve of womanizing!" The guy says "Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking"

Rejection Letter The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer, just send them the following: To Whom It May Concern: Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment at this time. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [Name of the Company]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate

employment with your firm immediately. I look forward to working with you. Best of luck in rejecting future candidates. Sincerely, [Your Name] Twelve Things You'll Never Hear An Employee Tell the Boss 1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing. 2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That greatly aids my efficiency. 3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are. 4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I might need to learn how to function as a paraplegic in future and opening doors is good training. 5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess. 6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. 7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a promotion. 8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. 9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done. 10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them. 11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life. 12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. Ten Things You Wish You Could Say At Work 1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap. 2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a hoot. 3. How about "never?" Is "never" good for you? 4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. 5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 6. Ahhh, I see the mess-up fairy has visited us again. 7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of co-workers. 8. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 9. Are you coming on to me or having a seizure? 10. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. Old occupation What happens when people of different occupations get old. - Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance. - Old actors never die, they just drop apart. - Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver. - Old architects never die, they just lose their structures. - Old bankers never die, they just lose interest. - Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling. - Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off. - Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures. - Old bosses never die, much as you want them to. - Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive. - Old chemists never die, they just fail to react. - Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket. - Old cooks never die, they just get deranged. - Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged. - Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties. - Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience. - Old electricians never die, they just lose contact. - Old farmers never die, they just go to seed. - Old garagemen never die, they just retire. - Old hackers never die, they just go to bits. - Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips. - Old hippies never die, they just smell that way. - Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot. - Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe. - Old investors never die, they just roll over. - Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed. - Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils. - Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent. - Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal. - Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under. - Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate. - Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey. - Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor... - Old musicians never die, they just get played out. - Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime. - Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed. - Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot. - Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces. - Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class. - Old photographers never die, they just stop developing. - Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane. - Old policemen never die, they just cop out. - Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on.... - Old printers never die, they're just not the type. - Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address. - Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse. - Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away. - Old schools never die, they just lose their principals. - Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles. - Old seers never die, they just lose their vision. - Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away. - Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings. - Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy. - Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do. - Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper. - Old students never die, they just get degraded. - Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding. - Old typists never die, they just lose their justification. - Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation. - Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.

- Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip. Lunch Problem There were three construction workers, one Chinese, one Mexican and one Scandanavian. Everyday at lunch they would sit at the top of a very tall building to eat. One day, the Mexican said: "If my wife makes me one more burrito I'm gonna jump off this building!" The Chinese man said: "If my wife makes me one more egg roll I'm gonna jump off this building, too!" The Scandanavian said: "If I get one more PB&J sandwich I'm gonna jump off this building, too!" Surely enough the Mexican got burritos, the Chinese got egg rolls and the Scandanavian got PB&J. At the funeral, the Chinese widow and the Mexican widow were huddled together saying, "I should have listened to him. I didn't think he would actually do it!" And the Scandanavian's wife was sitting there confused. The other widows came over and asked her why she wasn't crying. She replied, "I'm confused. I didn't make his lunch...he made his own!" Tickle Me Elmo A woman looking desperately for work goes to the toy plant where they make Elmo dolls. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and tells her that he regrets that he has nothing worthy of her background that he might offer her. The woman replies that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager thinks about it and then says that he does have one job that requires very low level skills -- on the Tickle Me Elmo production line. The woman is thrilled at the opportunity and happily accepts the job. Then the manager takes her down to the assembly line and explains her duties to her. She replies that she thinks can handle the job, and agrees to report for work at 8:00 a.m. next morning. The next day at 8:45, there's a knock on the Personnel Manager's door. The Tickle Me Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After the line manager screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggests that the line man show him the problem. Together they head down to the line and, sure enough, Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come, as far as the eye can see. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She has pulled over a roll of material used for Elmo's furry exterior and she has a big bag of marbles at her side. Both managers watch as she cuts out a small swatch of the material, takes two marbles and begins sewing them between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing, and finally, after about 20 minutes of rolling around in hysterics, he pulls himself together and walks over to his newest employee. "I'm sorry," he says to her. "I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give each Elmo

two test tickles." Counting Sheep A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers "sure!" The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell-phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns round to our shepherd and says: "you have here exactly 1586 sheep!" "This is correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man make a selection and bundle it in his Cherokee. Then he says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?" "Okay, why not" answers the young man. "You are a consultant," says the shepherd. "This is correct," says the yuppie, "How did you guess that?" "Easy" answers the shepherd. "You turn up here although nobody called you. You want to be paid for the answer to a question I already knew the solution to. And you don't know anything about my business because you took my dog. Feel Better About Your Job When you have had one of those "take this job and shove it" days, try this. On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Q-TIP. Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that "every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested." Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, " I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company." A contest was held in which readers were asked to come up with excuses to miss a day of work

If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK? The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet... I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation. More Workplace One Liners A computer does save time at work. I can play solitaire without having to spend all that time shuffling real cards. When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I write: "A very good doctor." After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there

was no future in it. The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed. I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job. I got a job in a work-out-center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. The workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today. They are demanding to make less money! One Liners Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot. I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients. Murphy's Law: Office equipment that has broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives. I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting. I once worked as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. I used to work in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I tried to be a chef. Figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme. My last job was working at a coffee shop, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? Please Don't Tell The Boss A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job." "Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"

"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't tell him! If that man finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well!" Goofing Off A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing. The owner walks up to the young man and says, "Son, how much do you make a day?" The guy replies, "150 dollars." The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back. A few minutes later, the shipping clerk asks the owner, "Have you seen that UPS driver?? I asked him to wait here for me!" Corporate Terminology COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you. CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay you enough to expect that you'll dress nicely. MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. MUST BE FLEXIBLE: On many occasions, you'll be asked to bend over and grab your ankles. SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend. DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around. MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control. CAREER-MINDED: Female employees must be childless (and remain that way). APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled. NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality. SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace the three people who just left. PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it. How To Succed In Business Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do. *** Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.

These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander. *** Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives. *** Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing-- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's the way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full"--a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand. Worrying Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "Excuse me?" the young accountant said. "I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back." "I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?" "I will start you at $85,000."

"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?" "That," the owner said, "is your first worry." Dictation Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair." Job Evaluations 1. I would not allow this employee to breed. 2. This associate is not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be. 3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. 4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whatever foot was previously there. 5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. 6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 7. He set low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 9. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better. 10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 11. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was not looking. 12. A room temperature IQ. 13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together. 14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 16. A prime candidate for natural de-selection. 17. Bright as Alaska in December. 18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests. 19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. 20. Fell out of the family tree. 21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other one is out looking for it. 23. He's so dense, light bends around him. 24. If brains were taxed, she would get a refund. 25. If he were anymore stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you will get change. 27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. 28. It is hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. 29. On neuron short of a synapse. 30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled. 31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. 32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. 33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity. Sales Assistant 2

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. At the end of his first day on the job his boss fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "One," said the young salesman. "Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "100,000 dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'" Sales Assistant A new sales assistant was hired at a large department store. On his first day, the sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed. The sales manager stepped in. Sales manager: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn? Customer : I guess so. I'll take one. Sales manager: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer? Customer : Um, okay. Sales manager: Here's a couple of bags. You'll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long. Customer : I'll take one of those too. After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. "You see?" he said, "that's the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what the customer originally came in for." Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in. Man: I'd like to buy a pack of Tampax, please. Sales assistant: Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too? Man: Why would I want to do that? Sales assistant: Well, your weekend's shot anyway, so you might as well mow the lawn. New Hire Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held." "Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

Late For Work Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?" Cure For Stress An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk, totally stressed out. He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic, and it really helped; you should try it too!". Two weeks later, when the manager arrives at his department, he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up, and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice". "I did", answers the employee. "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!". Very Busy A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come in to the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines." Identifying wasted time TO: ALL PERSONNEL FROM: MANAGEMENT It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. Thank you, Management Attached: Extended Job-Code List Code and Explanation: 5316 Useless Meeting

5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting 5319 Waiting for Break 5320 Waiting for Lunch 5321 Waiting for the End of your work day 5322 Gossiping with coworkers 5323 Gossiping about coworkers 5481 Buying Snack 5482 Eating Snack 5500 Filling Out Timesheet 5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen 5503 Scratching Yourself 5504 Sleeping 5510 Feeling Bored 5600 Complaining About Lousy Job 5601 Complaining About Low Pay 5602 Complaining About Long Hours 5603 Complaining About coworkers 5604 Complaining About Boss 5605 Complaining About Personal Problems 5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining 5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu 6102 Ordering Out Meals or Snacks 6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive 6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food 6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit 6201 Stealing Company Goods 6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls 6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods 6205 Hiding from Boss 6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.) 6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself 6211 Updating Resume 6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter 6213 Out of Office on Interview 6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching 6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job 6223 Pretending You Like Coworker 6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks 6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing 6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl 6601 Running your own Business on Company Time 6602 Complaining 6603 Writing a Book on Company Time 6611 Staring Into Space 6612 Staring At Computer Screen 6615 Transcendental Meditation 7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes) 7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone 7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone

7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone 7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone 7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone 7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone 7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone 7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone 7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone 7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity 8000 Recreational Drug Use 8001 Non-recreational Drug Use 8002 Liquid Lunch 8100 Reading personal e-mails Going To A Lecture The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." the man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife." said the man.

Get well quick A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence. "Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

Don't I Know You A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache." "Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?" "Yeah, so?" said the officer. "Well, why are you all dressed up like a Fireman?"

All Gone A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

Police Comebacks "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want." "I'm glad to hear the chief of police is a good, personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

Don't Say This #2 Gee, officer! That's terrific. The officer yesterday only gave me a warning too! Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does. So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little? Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to the .44 magnum in my glove compartment. When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the video. Teacher Questions and Student Answers

Are you in the top half of your class? No, I'm one of the students who make the top half possible! The picture of the horse is good, but where is the wagon? The horse will draw it! Why are you picking your nose in class? My mother won't let me do it at home! Why are you reading the last pages of your history book first? I want to know how it ends! What can we do to stop polluting our waters? Stop taking baths? Can't you retain anything in your head overnight? Of course, I've had this cold in my head for two days! Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a liquid that won't freeze ? Pupil: Hot water !

Teacher: Does anyone know which month has 28 days ? Pupil: All of them ! Why was the head teacher worried ? Because there were so many rulers in the school ! Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the line ? Pupil: I tried, but there was someone already there ! Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow ? Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass ! Teacher: What is "can't" short for ? Pupil: Can not miss. Teacher: and what is "don't" short for Pupil: Doughnut ! Teacher: In 1940, what were the Poles doing in Russia ? Pupil: Holding up the telegraph lines ! Teacher: Why are you standing on your head ? Pupil: I'm just turning over things in my mind, sir ! Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there, what are you taking for it ? Pupil: I don't know teacher. What will you give me ? You Know You've Finished College When 1. Your salary is less than you used to pay for tuition. 2. Your potted plants stay alive. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. You have to pay your own credit card bill. 5. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal. 6. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year. 7. 8:00a.m. is not early. 8. You have to file for your own taxes. 9. Torn jeans and shorts aren't staples in your wardrobe. 10. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

11. You refer to college students as kids. 12. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren. Math Problem Solving Young Larry stopped by the corner grocery store and read the following list to the clerk: 10 pounds sugar at $1.25 a pound 4 pounds coffee at $1.50 a pound 2 pounds butter at $1.10 a pound 2 bars soap at $.83 each "How much does that come to?" asked Larry. "Twenty-two dollars and thirty-six cents." "If I gave you three ten dollar bills, how much change would I get?" said the boy. "Seven dollars and sixty-four cents," stated the clerk who appeared to be irritated by all the questions. Larry said, as he disappeared through the door, "I don't want to buy the items...that's our arithmetic lesson for tomorrow, and I needed some help with it."

History Questions It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?" She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy. "Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do." As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Lousy Japanese." "Who said that?" she demanded.

Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said. Take What You Want A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?" The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want!'" The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." Internet Reseach Friend: "How's your history paper coming?" Student: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the internet for research, and it's been very helpful. Friend: "Really?" Student: "Yes! I've already located 17 people who sell history papers!" Anything To Pass A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything." He returns her gaze. "Anything?" "Anything." His voice softens. "Anything??" "Absolutely anything." His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"

You might be a college student if #3 1. If you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because that's all you have 2. If you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class 3. If your midnight snack is microwave popcorn 4. If you celebrate when you find a quarter 5. If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over 6. If you have built up a tolerence for beverages (he he he) 7. If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself 8. If you get more sleep in class than in your room 9. If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles 10. If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes. 11. If you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night. 12. If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't 13. If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week 14. If you eat at the cafeteria because it's "free", even though it tastes terrible. 15. If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy 16. If you wake up 10 minutes before class 17. If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them 18. If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class 19. If your social life consists of a date with the library 20. If your idea of "doing your hair" is putting on a baseball cap 21. If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room 22. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen, you might be a college student. 23. If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match. 24. If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal. 25. If you have ever written a check for 45 cents. 26. If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles. 27. If you have ever seen two consectutive sunrises without sleeping. 28. If your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups (ie.Olympic Dream Team I or II). 29. If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads. 30. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car. 31. If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a pick-up (one trip). 32. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light. Extra Money A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.

His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?" "Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid. So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?" "Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000." "That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???" "Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!" Saving Lives One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this pointless information" "To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school," replied the professor. School One Liners #2 Today in English we learned absolutely nothing about killing mockingbirds. I went to a tough high school. In biology we used to dissect custodians. To be a first-grade teacher you have to have skill, dedication, and an immunity to knock-knock jokes. School is where you always try to do your best-except when your friends are watching. Teachers deserve a lot of credit. Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldnt need it. Back-to-school sales get me all excited. Of course, pretty much any sale gets me all excited. School is very important. Everyone should get at least a high school education--even if they already know everything. You know our education system has problems when Hallmark comes out with a new line of "Easy-toread" graduation cards.

My kids have everything they need to go back to schoolexcept the right attitude. The best part of going back to school is seeing all your friends. The worst part is that your teachers wont let you talk to them. We used to call it "recess." Today they call it "cease fire." College would be great if it weren't for all the classes. Im failing geometry because I refuse to believe that pie are squared. Someone died of a brain aneurism today while taking a standardized test. The last thing anyone saw him do was stand up, pull all his hair out and yell, ABACADABA!! ABACADABA!!!! The school board decided to remove speech and debate from the course schedule; there was no argument. Our school is very low-budgeted; our physics book is so out of date the last chapter deals with combustion. School is just an elaborate plot by vampires to obtain the blood of teenagers through periodic blooddrives. Today in Art class we were going to paint a nude model, but the teacher sent her to the office for violating dress code. Fifth graders in Texas are using worms to recycle garbage from school lunches. But even the worms won't eat the Salisbury steak.

Learning Pills An advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature! "What else do you have?" asks the student. "Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist. The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?" The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter. "I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student. The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know... math always was a little hard to swallow." Biology Exam

Mr. Smith, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Anderson, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Anderson gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Smith, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Smith called on Miss Jones and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Smith. "And now, Miss Anderson, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment." Linguistics A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Homework Schedule Homework usually takes about 90 minutes. Here is how most high school students spend those 90 minutes. 15 minutes searching for assignment while reading your text messages. 11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment. 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like students. 8 minutes in the bathroom. 10 minutes getting a snack. 7 minutes checking and answering e:mails. 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment. 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.

Warning Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned." Flat Tire Two university students had a week of exams coming up. However, they decided to party instead. So, when they went to the exam, they decided to tell the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom." At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued... "For 95 points, tell me which tire it was." Season Pass On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

Move Your Cars Please It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class."

Presents For The Teacher On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy answered. Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?" The boy replied, "A puppy!" Post Graduate Questions The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Philosophy degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" Following Person A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers, when her first grade class came back from lunch. Theresa informed the teacher, "John has to go to the principal's office." "I wonder why," the teacher mused. "Because he's a following person," Theresa replied. "A what?" the teacher asked. "It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office'." Good Grades The young boy wasn't getting good grades in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said ..."I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking." Ten Times Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young charges, "Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life." From somewhere in the back of the room, came a small male voice chanting, "Becky, Becky, Becky, Becky, Becky, Becky, Becky, Becky, Becky, Becky." Country School While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board Of Education became provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room. Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him in the corner. A few minutes later, a small boy stuck his head in the room and pleaded, "Please, sir, may we have our teacher back?"

Good Morning The Professor came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded "Ah, you're Freshmen." He explained. "When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, they're Freshmen. When they put their cell phones down and open their books, they're Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the instructor they're juniors. When they put their feet up on the desks and keep texting, they're seniors." "When you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, they're graduate students." Differences Between High School And College 1. In college, it's much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there. 2. Once you've obtained the information described in #10, it's much more time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will be in order to "just happen to bump into him/her." 3. In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day. 4. In college, your dad doesn't pay for dates. 5. In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad. 6. College men are cuter than high school boys. 7. College women are legal. 8. In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don't need a note from your parents saying you were skip... uh, sick that day. 9. In high school, you can't go out to lunch because it's not allowed. In college, you can't go out to lunch because you can't afford it. 10. In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this. Harvard Graduates Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were all excited and talking effusively as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston. After hearing them for a couple of minutes the cab driver asked, "You men Harvard graduates?" "Yes Sir! Class of 07" they answered proudly.

The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Class of '68." Professor, do you know who I am A history professor at school had a strict policy that the hourly examinations were to be completed at the bell and anyone who kept writing on their exam after the bell would take a zero on the exam. Well, one guy kept writing on his exam for a while after the bell and then confidently strode up to turn it in. The professor looked at him and said, "Don't bother to hand that paper in... you get a zero for continuing after the bell." The guy looked at him and said, "Professor, do you know who I am?" The professor replied, "No, and I don't care if your dad is president of the United States...you get a zero on this exam" The guy, with a enraged look on his face, shouted, "You mean you have no idea who I am?" The professor responded, "No, I've no idea who you think you are." With that, the guy said "Good!" plunged his exam into the middle of the stack of other student's exams, and did a hasty retreat from the examination room!

Even More Fun Things For Professors To Do On The First Day Of Class 1. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class. 2. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo. 3. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song. 4. Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer. 5. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear. 6. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it. 7. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board. 8. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz. 9. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.

Lipstick Problem A middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls into the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror. More Fun Things For Professors To Do On The First Day Of Class 1. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?" 2. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment. 3. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a highpitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy". 4. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?" 5. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?" 6. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally. 7. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands. 8. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions. 9. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird". 10. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene. 11. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours. 12. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number. 13. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk". 14. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

15. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk". 16. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises. 17. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie. 18. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop. 19. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!" 20. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop. Attractive College Student One day, a very attractive under graduate visited the professor's office. The under graduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee "accidentally", etc. Finally, the undergraduate said, "Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me. It is so important that I'll do anything you suggest." The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied, "Anything?" To which the undergradute cooed, "Yes, anything you say." After some brief reflection, the professor asked, "What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?" The student lied, "Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then." The professor then advised, "Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. Why don't you attend that."

Money Hint Dear Father, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ?an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.

Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad Lonely Girl Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!" Things Not To Do During Exams 1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. 2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!" 3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol. 4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril. 5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders. 7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?" 8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level. 9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative. 10. Bring pets. 11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off. 12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes. 13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers. 14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else. 15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible. 16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals. 17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you. 18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it. 19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay. 20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam. 21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was. 22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ). 23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out. 24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly. 25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink) 26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy). 27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a

clapper. DUH!" 28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. 29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away. 30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam. 31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!" 32. Bring a water pistol with you. 33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai. 34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam. 35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story. 36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield. 37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation. 38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. " 39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. 40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her. 41. One word: Wrestlemania. 42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start. 43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave. 44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room. 45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour. 46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam. 47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach. 48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle. 49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

Random Short Funny Jokes #1 Did you know that if all of the smokers were laid end-to-end around the world, three-quarters of them would drown? A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here." A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. "Jury trial," the defendant replied. "Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge. "Sure," replied the defendant, "That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one." A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that kinda steep?", asked the man while dolling out the $50.00. "Yes," answered the lawyer, "what's your third question?"

Silly Questions #3 What's another word for thesaurus? What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to teflon, how do they make teflon stick to the pan? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

Priceless #1 Painting the bathroom on your day off ........ $29 New bathtub..................................... $800 Replace pants covered in paint.................. $19 Watering the front yard and flowers, standing in the front of the house waving as friends drive by

(while the first coat of paint dries)................................$10 Realizing after coming in the house that you still have a shower cap on your head.....priceless Note: The person who submitted this quip stated that this was not made up, it really happend to her. Random One Liners #5 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. A bartender is a pharmacist with a limited inventory. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. All men are idiots, and I married their King. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. A day without sunshine is like, night. All generalizations are false, including this one. Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. My Reality Check bounced. Why don't men often show their true feelings? Because they don't have any. What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women. Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned. The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children. The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

The longest sentence known to man: "I do." Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime? Why was man created before woman? Because you always need a rough draft before the final copy. I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high. Random Quips How do you confuse a blonde girl? Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner! I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either. On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed. "What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked. "No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing." Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework? Student: No, he did it all by himself. A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?" Son: Dad, what is an idiot? Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me? Son: No. My boss is so unpopular even his own shadow refuses to follow him.

Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!! Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation. "I was born in California." "Which part?" "All of me." Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it. Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot. Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it. Two cows are standing in a field. One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?" The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

Short Funny Animal Jokes 1. If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too. If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. Your husband expects you to growl when you wake up. He also expects you to have hairy legs and excess body fat. I wish I was a bear. 2. "This morning I got up and shot an elephant in my pajamas. How the elephant got into my pajamas, I'll never know." Groucho Marx 3. From George Carlin: What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Lawyer Question And Answer Jokes

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving. Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy. Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer? A: Take your foot off his head. Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle. Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A. From chasing parked ambulances. Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? A. Heck, you would need over 100 just to lobby for the research grant.

One Liners From Women To Men Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. What ever kind of look you were going for, you missed. If I throw a stick, will you leave? If I want to hear the patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat. I am doing my best to imagine you with a personality. And which dwarf are you? It's not the size that counts, it's the, umm, actually it is the size. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Random One Liners #2 All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy. In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. When blondes have more fun, do they know it? Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch. If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody. All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it. Take everything in moderation. Including moderation. There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know. Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge. I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon. There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot". Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.