The Binder Of Shame Presents: The RPG.net Rants by Al Bruno III rev 1.

Copyright Al Bruno III 2011 Smashwords Edition License Notes: This free ebook may be copied, distributed, reposted, reprinted and shared, provided it appears in its entirety without alteration, and the reader is not charged to access it.

The RPG.net rants over 8 years later...

2002 was the year I first started to post stories for the amusement of others. (Aside from that shameful X-FILES fan fiction of course.) I began with these gaming anecdotes that I shared on the forums of RPG.net, a relatively safe haven for me at the time. They were strange little tales told in a kind of screenplay format that I used when I sketched out story dialogue. The first one was pretty simple but as they went on they became more and more grandiose but they were raw and fun little bits of humor. I never bothered to proofread the things or set up any real kind of coherence or internal continuity- although snippets of these tales do show up in PRICE BEAKS AND HEARTACHES.

I'm posting them to the blog so I can add them to version of THE BINDER OF SHAME I keep here. I will do the first two today and then set up one a week until they're all there. I've moved on a lot since I first created them but many of the folks that first came to know me through them are still reading my work now and they still keep finding new readers all the time. If you have no idea what I am talking about prepare to be amazed, amused and offended. And be warned these stories appear exactly as I did when I posted them on the forums. I haven't tried to edit them for fear of diluting their raw power. Also I'm pretty damn lazy. Disclaimer! Before we go any further please let me explain to you that nothing you read on this website is about you. (But it might be) Sure we might have met a time or twenty, maybe we where friends, maybe we were enemies but, absolutely nothing here is about you. (Unless it is.) None of the characters you read about are real people. Nobody like these people could survive in modern civilized society. (Well, maybe in politics.) If youre a lady who was in the Albany area from 1988 to 1992 and you happened to date me, however briefly or unwillingly, this is not about you.

(Even though there were so damn few of you.) If you happened to visit my house and accidentally sat on my cat causing him to spasmodically urinate for weeks afterward, Im not gonna bring it up. (Except for now.) If you have worked with me or I have worked for you, no matter what conflicts we may have experienced in the past; be it a case of inadvertent sexual harassment or the occasional accidental workplace fire. I won't bring it up if you don't. (But no matter what the others might think, I didn't draw that mustache on the picture of you near the front entrance.) If you are one of my relatives, fear not all names and aspects of our relationship to the point where they have been rendered fictional. (Except for the parts about my hot cousin, she was really pretty hot.) Some of these stories might refer to certain famous and obscure roleplaying games of the era; their names are mentioned lovingly and with nothing but respect. (Still though, it took a damn long time to run a game of CHAMPIONS.) If, by chance, you once bit me in your eagerness to explain your halfelves final defiant attack against that Mind Flayer I want you to know I bear no grudges or scars. This is not about you. (Or your overbite) Perhaps you truly did play a ninja in one rpg or another, in fact I see such things as a legitimate and fascinating character choice, an archetype in fact. (Pajama wearing, star throwing little FREAKS.) However if you are one of the countless people who stop by here to

read and re-read these strange little stories of mine, I'm flattered and honored, and sometimes a little relieved. But still when you come right down to it, this still isn't about you either. Because its all about me. (Except when it isnt) RPG.NET rant #1 The Team That Couldn't Shoot Straight

originally posted to RPG.net on 03-21-2002 05:01 PM: I have been in a super hero frame of mind lately. Maybe it's the fact that I have Godlike and Freedom Force on order but it has set me in a nostalgic mood for the Champions campaigns I used to play in. Then as I remembered I realized those long lost games I began to shudder with the memory of THE TEAM THAT COULDN'T SHOOT STRAIGHT. Never before or since has there ever been a super hero team so dysfunctional. We had no base, we met at a Burger King and then headed out in our flying Monte Carlo from there. Let me tell you about the core roster of characters. Please share my Hell. (The stories are real only the names have been changed) MY CHARACTER: Take some BATMAN YEAR ONE, throw in Don Quixote and marinate with some pulp and you had my character. Out in the cold cruel superhero world with only his fedora, trenchcoat and one gadget he had his hands full dealing with characters like Panda and Raccoon. I really enjoyed playing a beginner hero but he never really

go the chance to develop as I would have liked. THE INFECTIOUS GUY: His power? That he has ALL known diseases. He had to wear a containment suit at all times and he blasted villains with a gout of toxins and pus that equaled a ranged killing attack. The really fun part about this guy was that it turned out that his containment suit wasn't strong enough and my character was nearly taken out by a case of jaundice! THE INSANE KILLING MACHINE: How insane? The player lobbied for a ranged hand to hand killing attack to properly simulate his character's deadliness. This crazy cyborg would just show up, fight (and mostly kill) the baddies then speed away. Who was he? Was he really on the team at all? I was never sure. THE SUPEHERO INSPIRED BY THE WORKS OF AYN RAND: I admit I know little of Rand's work mainly because of the nightmare of this character- a mentalist named Atlas in honor of the book ATLAS SHRUGGED. When a fight broke out he would hide and fire off mental bolts while extolling the virtues of objectivism. THE GUY WITH A JETPACK AND A HIGH-POWERED RIFLE: When combat broke out he would zoom up into the air and start sniping. He had a kind of code against killing, he only killed villains if they fought back, or sassed him. THE DINOSAUR IN THE CLIP ON TIE: I don't want to talk about this one, I just don't. THE ONE-MAN ROTATING GUEST STAR: Every week the player had a new character; every damn week. There wasn't an original one in the bunch, let me name a few and give you their defining moment. THE ONE BASED ON THE MAIN CHARACTER FROM AIRWOLF: Spent the combat trying to cross the map to his helicopter. THE ONE BASED ON THE MAIN CHARACTER FROM STREETHAWK: Spent the entire combat zipping around the map on his super-powered motorcycle. THE ONE BASED ON LSH's ULTRA-BOY: Died because he forgot that he couldn't

use super strength and flight at the same time and he tried to catch a crashing spacecraft. THE ONE BASED ON LEE VAN CLEEF's CHARACTER FROM THE TV SHOW THE MASTER: Since most of the character points were spent juicing his character's defensive combat value through the roof he had no attacks that could hurt anything. he bounced around like a sterile flea hitting one villain after another until he was killed by a ranged attack. THE ONE BASED ON JULIAN SANDS CHARACTER FROM THE FILM WARLOCK: Skulked in the background and drained endurance points from any player character that wandered to close to him. THE ONE BASED ON ALPHA FLIGHT'S LEADER GUARDIAN: I never knew why he was there since our team was based in New York. His whole thing is that he would kidnap unconscious super villains to Canada for 'rehabilitation'. Since all the villains were sexy female villains my opinion was dubious. THE BLUE-SKINNED RED-EYED FALLEN ANGEL: An ok character but the player insisted on making the character's secret identity himself. THE LITTLE OLD LADY WITH AWSOME MIND CONROL ABILITIES: Another character that seemed to want to do nothing more than pound on my character because he 'looked sinister' And lastly.... THE DESTROYER OF CAMPAIGNS: With his combination of rules lawyering and outright cheating he could unmake an Amber diceless game. His character was supposed to be just a guy in powered armor but his merciless point-whoreing created an unstoppable juggernaut. How unstoppable? How about knockback that sent NPCs off the map? How about combats that lasted a number of rounds equal to the number of adversaries facing him? How about the high-end Dr. Destroyer had to run for his life? Finally the GM tried to kill him with a nuclear explosion- this knocked the character unconscious for ONE ROUND then he recovered... Shortly after the arrival of the last character the campaign died, all I have left now are the memories but with therapy and drugs I hope to suppress them.

RPG.NET rant #2 The day I killed the entire party before the first combat encounter originally posted to RPG.net on 08-09-2002 12:02 AM: THE FOLLOWING STORY IS TRUE. ONLY THE NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT ME FROM A SAVAGE BEATING WITH THE STICK OF PAIN. It was the end of the 1980's, for some reason the group of players in my area had established a strange attraction to Avalon Hill's catch all RPG LORDS OF CREATION. The players had coaxed me into playing it once before but the session had been disturbing. The players had played characters based on themselves. When that game began one of the players, we will call him 'Psycho Dave', started out the campaign by having his character kill his parents. Things went downhill from there. So months later we are all there in the basement of another of our players, whom I will refer to as El Disgusto, and I have been talked into trying to run Lords of Creation again. There are five playersPsycho Dave, El Disgusto, Deviant Boy, The Amazing Boozehound and Weasly Crusher. I already have a great idea for a campaign, about our reality being attacked by another alien reality. You may think I am ripping off TORG but this was years before TORG. I was ripping off the Dr. Who episode HORNS OF NIMON. I explained to the players that they were to make ordinary modern people and they campaign would detail their attempts to survive in this strange new world. Kind of a RED DAWN meets GAMMA WORLD. So character creation begins and it goes something like this-

El Disgusto: "I want to make a ninja!" Me: "Well you could be a master martial artist but I'm not sure if a ninja is exactly..." El Disgusto: "A ninja! I want to play a ninja! What kind of a game is this where you can't pick what you want?" Me: "Ok you can play a ninja." Deviant Boy: "I'm going to play a stripper." Me: "Ok then." Weasly Crusher: "And I'm his character's cousin. She's a stripper too." Me: "Great... just roll up those stats then." Psycho Dave: "I'm going to play a former Navy Seal. He has medals of honor and no one knows that in his spare time he kills hippies and midgets." Me: "That's very interesting, and he has the same name as you too. Great." The Amazing Boozehound: "I'm playing a dwarf fighter... hic!" Me: "No. No, see this is set in the modern era. There are no Dwarven fighters." The Amazing Boozehound: "Oh." Me: "So what was your second choice?" The Amazing Boozehound: "What?" Me: "For a character?"

The Amazing Boozehound: "Oh... lemmie think." Deviant Boy: "My character and her cousin are having an affair." Me: "Wh-what?" Deviant Boy: "We're lesbian strippers." Weasly Crusher: "We're in love." Me: "I- I-" The Amazing Boozehound: "Can I play a midget?" Psycho Dave: "Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" Me: "Maybe you could play a ninja?" The Amazing Boozehound: "Eh... I'll just play a guy who's like a cop or somethin'." Me: "Ok roll it up." Psycho Dave: "You know human blood looks black in the moonlight..." Weasly Crusher: "My character and her cousin have matching toe rings." Me: "FOR CHRIST'S SAKE JUST ROLL UP YOUR CHARACTERS!!!!!" Eventually they created their characters, so I began to set the scene. Well I tried to set the scene but see El Disgusto's parents had left town and he had one responsibility... to feed and walk his parent's decrepit dog Lamont. Of course El Disgusto had done neither in days so the dog would frequently pad up to the top of basement steps and howl mournfully.

Anyway, once El Disgusto had gotten done beating his parent's dog into silence we began to play. I set the scene describing a world where strange spider like creatures had enslaved humanity and how the players had all just escaped from one of the slave labor camps. The first problem eruptedPsycho Dave: "What? What?' We don't have our stuff?" Me: "We never went over equipment lists because I thought-" El Disgusto: "Dude, my ninja has to have a motorcycle." Me: "I explained the alien spiders-" Deviant Boy: "Our toe rings? They took our toe rings?" Me: "-they have reduced the human race to a state of slavery. All our technology." Psycho Dave: "No way would they take my guns knives and explosives!" El Disgusto: "And my motorcycle... who could steal a ninja's motorcycle? My guy would fight to the death for his motorcycle. Nice going dickweed." Weasly Crusher: "Couldn't we have hidden our toe rings inside ourselves?" Deviant Boy: "Good role-playing!" The Amazing Boozehound: "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz." Me: "I don't really think you are giving this a chance." El Disgusto: "Shut up Lamont! I said SHUT UP!"

The arguments and dog beatings took up another hour or so of my life but finally I said that I would 'retool' my ideas. Me: "Ok remake your characters as naval officers. You will be playing the crew of a nuclear submarine ordered to hide at the bottom of the sea when the invasion began. You will be the team sent to investigate the surface, you will be fully equipped with weapons and other stuff. " Psycho Dave: "Much better. Is there a chance that I killed the submarine captain and took over?" Me: "No." El Disgusto: "Ok I am a naval officer but I am also secretly a spy for the ninjas." Me: "Seeing as how all of the civilized world has fallen to the alien spiders I don't think that matters much." El Disgusto: "On no those aliens only THINK they got the ninjas." Me: "Fine whatever." Deviant Boy: "My character is a tough as nails commando... but she's really hot." Weasly Crusher: "I'm her cousin and we're lesbians." Deviant Boy: "We're in love." Weasly Crusher: "We share a bunk." Me: "Please... save it for the game."

El Disgusto: "Shut up Lamont! Don't make me get the stick of pain!" The Amazing Boozehound: "Wh- why is my cop on a submarine?" Me: "You're playing a navy MP... don't you remember?" The Amazing Boozehound: "Oh ok." Me: "Anyway. The captain of the submarine is worried because he hasn't heard from Washington in six months. He calls you in the middle of the night to his office-" Deviant Boy: "Since it's the middle of the night my character shows up wearing a flimsy teddy." Weasly Crusher: "Ohhh me too." Me: "The captain says-" El Disgusto: "Shouldn't the captain roll to see if he notices me? I am a ninja after all. I-- Stick of Pain Lamont! Stick of Pain!" Me: "The captain orders you to the go ashore and find out what has been happening." The Amazing Boozehound: "I say- Dammnit Captain! I'm a good cop!" Me: "He wants you to go ashore immediately." Psycho Dave: "I say we fire our nukes." Me: "Immediately!" The next hour of the game was taken up with the crew listing the many types of guns, knives, rocket launchers and butt plugs their characters would bring. Sometime during the discussion Lamont, desperate for food and suffering for what would turn out to be terminal

dysentery tried to walk down the basement steps only to collapse into a quivering furry heap atop an orange crate of freshly painted minis. El Disgusto howled with rage and went to town with the stick of pain until Lamont hid behind the furnace. Finally we got back to the game: Me: "Ok you've got your raft as full of equipment as it can be and you're-" El Disgusto: "Wait... what about my motorcycle?" Me: "What?" El Disgusto: "My character wants to bring his motorcycle." Me: "Look your character spent the last six months on a submarine." El Disgusto: "Then so did his motorcycle." Me: "How in the name of all that is holy could you get anyone to agree to bring a motorcycle onto a submarine?" El Disgusto: "What are you asking me for? You're the one running this crappy game!" Me: "Ok then. As you all are standing there an Ensign Bruno says 'Don't forget this!' And rolls a motorcycle off the deck onto the rubber raft. The weight collapses the raft and you are all tangled up in it and the motorcycle. You are dragged down beneath the surface of the ocean and drown. End of game." To punctuate this I took the Lords of Creation rulebook and threw it against the wall. Harsh words were exchanged on all sides. Who knows we might have even come to blows if not for Lamont staggering out from behind the furnace and spraying stream of doggie diarrhea over couch that had everyone's coats draped across it.

In the pandemonium that followed I made my way home. I can always get another coat.

RPG.NET rant #3 A Night At The Inn, A Day At The Racists

originally posted to RPG.net on 08-22-2002 10:31 PM:

WARNING THE FOLLOWING STORY IS TRUE AND IS ALSO VERY VERY POLITICALLY INCORRECT. READ AT YOU OWN PERIL. ALSO BE WARNED SPELLING AND FORMATTING ERRORS ABOUND. Somehow I found myself back in El Disgusto's basement, Psycho Dave had decided it was his turn to try and run D&D. El Disgusto, Weasly Crusher, Cheating Bastard, Deviant Boy, Short Attention Span Larry and yours truly were the players. I was curious to see how Psycho Dave ran a game. I was sure it couldn't be as bad as Deviant Boy's dungeon where the treasure horde was a room filled with bound naked halflings and staves with Permanency and Grease spells cast on them. How wrong I was. How wrong I was.

Psycho Dave: "Still shaking from your encounter with the Giant Shrunken Apple Head Woman and make your way to the in. The rain is cold, cold like cold rain." El Disgusto: "I continue to ride underneath the wagon... ninja style!" Psycho Dave: "You realize that no one even knows you're there yet." El Disgusto: "Good."

Psycho Dave: "You do realize this is the third session of the campaign." El Disgusto: "The ways of the ninja are hard to understand and inscrutable." Psycho Dave: "Fine. Roll to see if you hang on." Me: "We need to be on guard, we still don't know who brought us here and why." Weasly Crusher: "My fighter is ready for anything, except for creatures that drain life levels. I refuse to enter into any dungeons or tombs." Me: "Uh, you know this game is DUNGEONS and dragons." Weasly Crusher: "I worked too damn hard to be second level to loose it over some damn wraith." Short Attention Span Larry: "Hey cool! Cinemax!" Deviant Boy: "Hey cool! Shannon Whirry!" Me: "Are you here to game or what?" Short Attention Span Larry: "I can do both. Just let me know when its my turn to fight the Shrunken Apple head Woman." Psycho Dave: "After a few more hours of travel you finally find yourselves at the Inn. This is the place where you will finally meet with your employer the mysterious wizard Shickelgruber in the morning." Cheating Bastard: "Why is that name so familiar?" Me: "I stop the wagon in front of the Inn." Psycho Dave: "Roll for it."

Me: "This is getting a little out of hand now." Psycho Dave: "Roll for it." Me: "I need to roll to stop the damn wagon?" Psycho Dave: "You're the one that said that you were just all of a sudden stopping the wagon. Ever heard of slowing down before you stop." Me: "I didn't think I had to be that specific. Ok I slow the wagon down and-" Psycho Dave: "Too late. You said it. Roll to see if you can stop the wagon without crashing, or do you want to bitch and whine some more."

(Roll)

Me: "Crap." Psycho Dave: "OK the cart flips over. Everyone else make a save versus death. Yes you too Larry."

As you can see I soon realized that Psycho Dave ran a game in roughly the same way that Warwick Davis in the film Leprechaun granted wishes. Everything you said your character did was scrutinized for some way to screw you over and the dice ruled all. He was the only guy I know who used a random monster encounter chart for Call of Cthulhu. You haven't lived until you've had a character go mad because he saw a nightgaunt sitting in a restroom stall reading a copy of the Necrnomicon.

(Roll)(Roll)(Wander over to the table and Roll)(Roll)(Roll and a nudge) Cheating Bastard: "A perfect 20!" Weasly Crusher: "I can't believe the wagon fell on my head." Cheating Bastard: "I can't believe your eyeball popped out, what kind of crit tables are these?" Psycho Dave: "The manly kind. I've been coddling you with those Arduin critical hit tables for too damn long." Short Attention Span Larry: "Am I bleeding to death?" Psycho Dave: "No." El Disgusto: "Since my ninja was under the wagon I sprint into the shadows and observe the party. Psycho Dave: "Roll for it." (Roll) Short Attention Span Larry: "Am I bleeding to death?" Me: "Uh... where is Lamont?" El Disgusto: "My parents took him camping. Get this, the damn vet says the dog is suffering from stress. Stress! What the frig does a damn dog have to be stressed out about?" Deviant Boy: "Well if I could lick myself I sure wouldn't-" Me: "Why didn't you go?" El Disgusto: "Camping? Why would I want to go camping? Nature kills! Haven't you learned anything the wilderness encounters tables?"

Deviant Boy: "I walk into the Inn for a drink." Me: "What about the wagon?" Deviant Boy: "Leave it it's not like we paid for it or anything." Psycho Dave: "So you all walk to the Inn? Make a dexterity check to see if you slip in the mud." Short Attention Span Larry: "Am I bleeding to death?"

(Roll)(Roll)(Wander over to the table and Roll)(Roll)(Roll and a Nudge) The Inn was a kind of medieval strip club with all the wenches wearing thongs and dog collars and that's about it. We found a table and got drinks and waited for the wizard to arrive. Some of the girls tried to offer us lap dances, those who got them had to Save versus Petrifaction. Me: "I survey the room and take a drink." Psycho Dave: "Save versus poison to see if you get drunk." Me: "No! This is bullshit!" Psycho Dave: "Just roll the damn dice for God's sake." Me: "I'm a dwarf! A dwarf! There is no way that a Dwarf would get drunk on some pissant human ale." Psycho Dave: "Hmmmm. I see your point." Short Attention Span Larry: "What have you got to drink here?" El Disgusto: "Nothing."

Short Attention Span Larry: "Didn't your parents leave you any food?" El Disgusto: "They left me some cash for groceries but I decided it was better spent on Warhammer minis." Short Attention Span Larry: "Ok I'll get a glass of water." El Disgusto: "The HELL you will. If you dirty any of those glasses I will have to wash them and I am not going there. Drink from the tap or not at all." Weasly Crusher: "I look for someone to pick on." Cheating Bastard: "I help him." Psycho Dave: "Make detect traps roll." Deviant Boy: "I buy one of the wenches for the night." Psycho Dave: "Make a Charisma check.... oh and Ab3 roll a d20." (roll)(roll) Psycho Dave: "Ok you find a companion for the night and Ab3, you failed your Save versus poison and get stinking drunk."

Being drunk in a game like this is not a good thing, the GM 'simulated' drunken behavior by letting each of the other players dictate what your character did for five minutes. So as my dwarf sang show tunes while dangling from a chandelier with a half-full spittoon on his head. The night at the Inn rolled on.

Me: "You know it's like midnight now, maybe we should just fast

forward ahead to the morning so we can meet the wizard." El Disgusto: "Oooo! Oooo! His dwarf is all drunk and now he's whining!" Me: "I am not whining and hey at least my character is involved with the party." El Disgusto: "You're just pissed because you're not a ninja. How are things looking on the roof anyway?" Psycho Dave: "It's still raining." Deviant Boy: "Hey I'm taking that saloon whore John Norman style." Short Attention Span Larry: "Who?" Deviant Boy: "John Norman... wrote the Gor novels... they taught me everything I needed to know about women." Me: "So how is that whole restraining order thing working out anyway?" Deviant Boy: "I'm done with her. I think this girl from the movie theater is hot for me though. There's something about the way she says to me 'Want Butter Flavoring'?" Weasly Crusher: "What about me? When do I get my barfight?" Psycho Dave: "Well you do see this scrawny nervous looking kid at the bar." Weasly Crusher: "I walk up to the kid and give him a shove." Cheating Bastard: "I follow him." Psycho Dave: "The kid is at the bar nursing a Shirley Temple."

Me: "I don't think that a medieval tavern would serve Shirley Temples." Psycho Dave: "Fine. He is drinking an Ye Ole Shirley Temple." Weasly Crusher: "I shove him." Psycho Dave: "Roll to hit." (roll) Cheating Bastard: "I tell the kid- 'He doesn't like you.'." Psycho Dave: "The kid cringes and says 'I'm sorry.'." Weasly Crusher: "I shove him again!" Cheating Bastard: "I say 'I don't like you either. You just watch yourself. We're wanted men. I have the death sentence in twelve kingdoms...'"

I knew where this was going, I think Weasly Crusher was the only one who didn't realize. The only thing really surprising about the whole thing was that thanks to Psycho Dave's homebrewed Crits and Fumbles tables his Samurai somehow managed to behead himself. Eventually my character regained some degree of sobriety and retreated to his room to wait for the morning and the dread wizard Shickelgruber but the night at the Inn had no end in sight. Psycho Dave: "You fail your roll and slip in a puddle of blood. Roll a d6 to see how many teeth are knocked out." Cheating Bastard: "I challenge the damn Viking to an arm wrestling match!"

Weasly Crusher: "They say your head can live a little while detached from your body, I try to call on my god." Deviant Boy: "I'm still doing the saloon whore!" Me: "I would think you'd be sleeping by now." Deviant Boy: "My character is like me, he can do it for two three hours before he finishes. Women love that." Me: "Really?" Deviant Boy: "Especially Canadian women." Short Attention Span Larry: "Is it ok if I look through your comics?" El Disgusto: "Is it Ok if I beat you with the Stick of Pain? My ninja breaks into their rooms and snoops around." Psycho Dave: "Roll for it." (roll) Me: "Why can't you just meet up with the damn party and not do all this weird stuff?" El Disgusto: "He's a ninja! I'm ROLE-PLAYING!" Cheating Bastard: "I head up to my room. I want to get that Resurrection Scroll out of my Bag of Holding." Weasly Crusher: "Geez how many magic items does your character have?" Cheating Bastard: "Ninety-six."

How did he end up with 96 magic items? Allow me to explain. The way they set up high level D&D games in my neck of the woods was to have you roll up your character and then roll once on the treasure tables for each level they needed your character to start at. Psycho Dave had planned his campaign for 12th level characters and above, so Cheating Bastard's character was a 12th level Wizard-Cleric-FighterThief-Illusionist-Druid-Ranger-Bard with limited Psionic abilities. His explanation, really lucky die rolls had allowed his magic user to get ahold of a Wish Ring with the maximum wishes. The Wishes had prolonged his life and allowed him to pursue multiple career paths so that now he had a small magic arsenal stored in a Spelljammer craft that he had held in a bag of holding.A good thirty minutes of game time was eaten up by this long drawn out explanation of the origin of the 12th Level Everything man. I suggested that we all have our characters go to sleep so we can meet with our employer the morning but no one else seemed to be interested. Deviant Boy kept going into lurid detail about his escapades with his girl for the night. Weasly Crusher kept whining about his head. Short Attention Span Larry kept quiet, no surprise since he was busy trying to play the game, watch Star Trek and read a Gor novel. El Disgusto continued to break into our character's rooms and pilfer our things, until he crossed paths with Cheating Bastard's bag of holding. Cheating Bastard kept his familiar in the bag as a kind of guard dog. So the stealthy ninja ended up having his ass handed to him by a Quasit permanently polymorphed into Rush Limbaugh.I didn't understand that last bit either but I couldn't bring myself to ask. El Disgusto: "Untie me! The other ninjas know I'm here!" Cheating Bastard: "Once he's tied down face first on the bed I check and see how the fireplace pokers are heating up." Psycho Dave: "Roll a d20." (roll nudge) Cheating Bastard: "I'm so awesome, another natural twenty!"

Psycho Dave: "The pokers are white hot." El Disgusto: "You can't do this to me! I'm a ninja!" Cheating Bastard: "I get the hottest, sharpest looking poker and approach the bed." Me: "Why are we doing this?" Cheating Bastard: "I'm teaching him a valuable lesson." El Disgusto: "My character flexes every muscle in my body at once!" Psycho Dave: "Why?" El Disgusto: "To weaken the ropes! What are you stupid?" Cheating Bastard: "My character presses the end of the hot poker against the ninja's buttcheeks." El Disgusto: "You'll pay for this! You'll all pay for this! Hastur! Hastur! Hastur! Hastur! Hastur! Hastur!"

I for one never thought I would be glad to see the arrival of a member of the Cthulhu Mythos. Hastur showed up and stomped on the Inn killing everyone. I don't ever recall being so happy but sadly in a game like this death is fleeting, only trauma and humiliation endure.The party found themselves resurrected in the crater where the Inn had been. A figure in brown and black robes stared at us. After some preliminary insults he led us through a strange looking portal. Psycho Dave: "The Wizard Shickelgruber leads you through a portal and you find yourself on a wasted landscape. Tall dark chimneys belch ashes into the sky. The air is filled with the stench of burning flesh."

Cheating Bastard: "You sure we're not smelling the ninja's ass?" El Disgusto (Waving the Stick of Pain): "Don't make me use this!" Psycho Dave: "All around you strange devices and men in dark uniforms are walking around doing stuff. The wizard explains that he needs your help to get the Wand of Orcus." Weasly Crusher: "Why?" Psycho Dave: "To explain the wizard leads you through a metal gate with the words WORK LIBERATES engraved into it. He takes you to this huge pit filled with emaciated bodies. he explains to you that he needs to use the Wand to turn these bodies into undead so he can beat back the armies invading his land." Me (My high school education kicked in right about then): "Wait just a goddamn minute here-" Psycho Dave: "The wizard pulls back his cloak revealing his piercing blue eyes and small dark moustache." Me: "We're in a concentration camp? So we can help Hitler win the war?" Deviant Boy: "What's he paying us?" Psycho Dave: "Gold teeth." Me: "You're kidding right? You can't be serious." Cheating Bastard: "This is cool, kind of a 'Shindler's Lich'" Me: "This is unbelievable! I wasted six hours of my life for this?" Psycho Dave: "Yes it is unbelievable but we're here to play a game not debate the so-called Holocaust."

Weasly Crusher: "How many gold teeth does it take to make a gold piece anyway?"

Very calmly and quietly I began to pack up my papers and dice. I promised myself I was just going to leave, not make another scene. I didn't know if I'd ever game again, I was pretty sure I had hit rock bottom. It didn't feel like I had expected. Short Attention Span Larry: "Hey you big liar! I thought you didn't have anything but water. Look at all these bottles of Mountain Dew you have stowed under the stairs." El Disgusto: "Stay away from those!" Short Attention Span Larry: "What's the big deal, I just want a glass or two. Heck I'm so thirsty I'll give you a buck for the whole damn bottle." El Disgusto: "No! You don't understand! That's not Mountain Dew." Short Attention Span Larry (Pausing in unscrewing the cap on one of the bottles): "Huh?" El Disgusto: "It's- it's urine." Me: "That's funny I thought you said urine." El Disgusto: "It is urine, I don't like to go upstairs to the bathroom when I'm watching TV so I go in the bottles and throw them away later."

Being a wannabe horror writer I often describe people having skincrawling sensations, I had never truly experienced it until that very moment. I looked around the room, realizing now that there half-full

bottles stashed everywhere. Some were crusted with age and other substances. This I realized was rock bottom.

Me: "When do you throw these bottles away?" El Disgusto: "I'll get around to it sometime." Me: "I need to go home now. I need to go take a shower." Psycho Dave: "What about the game?" Me: "I trip and fall on my sword-" Psycho Dave: "Roll for it." Me: "I fall on my sword again and again- UNTIL THE HURTING STOPS!!!"

And then I went home and never, ever played D&D again and I certainly never drank another bottle of Mountain Dew.

RPG.NET rant #4 The God Trip

originally posted to RPG.net on 08-30-2002 11:08 PM: WARNING! THE FOLLOWING STORY MAY OFFEND SENSITIVE READERS, PEOPLE THAT HATE SEQUELS OF SEQUELS, LOVERS OF DISNEY CARTOONS, STRIP CLUBS AND THE SHOW 'MANIMAL'

I had sworn off role-playing but found myself back at the table nonetheless. My only other group of friends only wanted to spend their nights at Strip Clubs. After a few evenings of that activity I realized that no matter which group of friends I was with I was going to go home frustrated and full of self-loathing.

At least gaming was cheaper. We were at the apartment of a fellow by the name of Nolan Void, he was a computer programmer/performance artist. He was famous for creating brilliant RPG campaigns that were rich in detail and populated with interesting characters. Sadly most of these games lasted for 2 sessions if you were lucky. Nolan was a tad mercurial. So there we were at Nolan Void's apartment, it was El Disgusto, Deviant Boy, Weasly Crusher and Johnny Tangent. Psycho Dave was unavailable, due in part to that whole stalking William Shatner phase he was going through. Cheating Bastard was off playing in a Warhammer tournament-not because he liked it but because he lived to make wargamers cry.

El Disgusto: "I still don't see why we had to come over here when we could have used my basement." Me: "We will never use your basement again, at least not until a HAZMAT team gets in there." El Disgusto: "What are you my Mom?" Me: "Were you smothered in your sleep?" El Disgusto: "No." Me: "Then I'm not your Mom."

Johnny Tangent: "You know I still think they should never have canceled Manimal." Weasly Crusher: "It was a national tragedy." Deviant Boy: "Ursula Andress was in the pilot. What a hottie." El Disgusto: "Manimal sucked. Just like Ab3's car." Weasly Crusher: "Yeah that show was highly overrated." Nolan Void: "OK now, let's everyone get ready for the game. I am sure you will find it very-" Me: "Hold on a second here? You're dissing my car?" El Disgusto: "Your car is a rusted hunk of crap. You got a problem with that?" Me: "I drove you here in that car because you don't have a car." El Disgusto: "So?" Me: "So how can you criticize my car when you don't even have one of your own?" El Disgusto: "Because when my Grandma does buy me a car it will be a lot better than yourpiece of crap." Johnny Tangent: "Actually if we converted Ab3's car to Car Wars stats you might find it very impressive." Nolan Void: "OK then on to the game. You will all be playing yourselves..." Deviant Boy: "Can you repeat that?"

My God he had guts. Not only were we playing ourselves but the system was essentially diceless. The very thought panicked some of the guys at the table but Nolan was a convincing guy. Pretty soon everyone's enthusiasm level was back up and play began...

Nolan Void: "OK then, it's just another day for you guys. What are your characters, which are you, doing?" Me: "Uhhhh... what day is it in the game?" Nolan Void: "A Sunday." Me: "I guess I'm at work." Deviant Boy: "I'm sure I'm waking up in the bed of some lovely lady." Weasly Crusher: "I'm in church." El Disgusto: "I'm buying comics." Johnny Tangent: "Perhaps I'm finally learning how to play the bassoon."

Nolan Void: "OK then. Each of you at exactly the same time are approached by a dark figure in a silver trenchcoat. He addresses you by name and says that he has a message for you." El Disgusto: "What's the message that David Bowie is having a garage sale? Me: "I ask what the message is." Weasly Crusher: "I yell loudly to Jesus? What's the percentage for God call in this game?"

Deviant Boy: "I get dressed quickly but make sure to let this strange visitor get a look at my huge dong so that he might know despair." Johnny Tangent: "I look around for TARDISes." Nolan Void then went on to tell us that this mysterious figure told each of us that we had a special destiny and that we need to be awakened. This being nearly a decade before THE MATRIX we were confused and dubious. Still though when he reached into his pocket and withdrew a strange glowing cube we all went along with it, with one exception... El Disgusto: "I attack!" Nolan Void: "OK then... you fail." El Disgusto: "What? What?" Nolan Void: "The guy is too fast for you." El Disgusto: "No he's not!" Me: "What's the big deal?" El Disgusto: "6 months of Tae Kwon Do! Do you hear me? 6 months of Tae Kwon Do to make black belt! I'm a white ninja do you hear me? A LIVING WEAPON!" Later investigations proved that this was technically true El Disgusto had been discharged from Harvey Whitstien's Martial Arts Emporium with a black belt. Of course the rest of El Disgusto's karate gi was equally black. He just let it fester in his locker between classes. Sensei Harvey discharged El Disgusto because no one could stand the stench any more. This may have solved all the Emporium's problems but this 'early graduation' had twisted El Disgusto's mind even further and now he insisted the reason he had a black belt was because he was the reincarnation of a long dead ninja named 'Shinobi'.

Still though no one, not even Nintendo's lawyers, called him on it because he would then challenge you to a fight. His fighting style was a combination of slaps and groin kicks punctuated by Bruce Lee-like yells and no one wanted any part of that.

Nolan Void: Though you battle the stranger valiantly he still manages to draw the strange cube from his jacket and he-" El Disgusto: "I smash it! I smash it!" Nolan Void: "Just touching it makes your mind explode at a million miles an hour." El Disgusto: "I don't scream! Not matter how bad it is I don't scream!" Nolan Void: "The same thing happens to all of you. The very universe seems to melt around you. Your screams are swallowed up by the roaring chaos that consumes you." Johnny Tangent: "I curl into a ball and try to avoid being noticed by the Hounds of Tinados." Me: "I scream." El Disgusto: "Wussy!" Deviant Boy: "I close my eyes and use what could be my last moments to fantasize about Christine McGlade." Weasly Crusher: "Who?" Deviant Boy: "Christine McGlade from You Can't Do That On Television." Johnny Tangent: "Moose?"

Deviant Boy: "God yes." Weasly Crusher: "That's your ultimate babe?" Deviant Boy: "And my first sexual experience." Me: "You can stop now." Deviant Boy: "I was fifteen years old and in one of the episodes she was lost her clothes and had to hide her nakedness behind a cue card." Me: "I said you can stop now." Deviant Boy: "It was amazing, it wasn't even like you could see anything but I still had this amazing spontaneous ejaculation..." Me: "Oh for God's sake!"

I probably wouldn't have been as upset if he hadn't had the exact same first sexual experience as I had... Once we got past all that Nolan described the strange place our characters found ourselves in.

Nolan Void: "OK then, you each wake up to find yourselves wearing white robes and-" Johnny Tangent: "To-ga! To-ga!" Nolan Void: "-in the center of the room is a giant dome-" Johnny Tangent: "Filled with colored brains! 50 Quatloos on the newcomer!"

Nolan Void: "- and you can see entire galaxies swirling with in it. The-" Johnny Tangent: "My God's it's full of stars!" Nolan Void: "-they look to be human and they are dressed in black and sliver. The leader, the one that approached you first steps forward to say-" Johnny Tangent: "You will bow down before me Jor-El! You wiIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Nolan's savage attack surprised all of us, we didn't think he had it in him, but then again no Game Master likes to be heckled. When Nolan began speaking again Johnny was lolling dazed in his chair, a dice bag stuffed in his mouth.

Nolan Void: "OK then the man informs you that they are the last of the Lords of Reality and that the very universe is dying." Me: "Intriguing." El Disgusto: "Cut to the chase. Who do we have to whack?" Nolan Void: "The Lord of Reality informs you that your quest is not one of destruction but of preservation. He needs you to save all of creation by finding a way restore the energy stores at its heart." Weasly Crusher: "We have to change the batteries of the universe?" Deviant Boy: "Why do we have to save the universe? What's in it for us?" Johnny Tangent: "Mmmph! Mmmph!" Me: "He has a point. I ask the Lords of Reality why they can't do this for themselves?"

Nolan Void: "They explain that if they left their posts reality would break down in a matter of minutes." Weasly Crusher: "How are we supposed to change the batteries of the universe? We have no powers, we don't even have a spaceship." Nolan Void: "The Lords of Reality say they will give you the power to do what needs to be done. They will make you gods."

There was an audible hush. It was one of those moments that I know well as a GM it is the moment before a game becomes really great or goes terribly wrong. Johnny Tangent: "Mphl?" Nolan Void: "Yes gods." El Disgusto: "Gods gods?" Nolan Void: "They tell you 'You will have the power to create and control matter but with that power comes a terrible responsibility.'" Weasly Crusher: "Yeah but we'll be gods right?" Nolan Void: "'Yes.' They say, "But the use of those godlike powers actually drains the life-force of the universe so wield it with caution." Deviant Boy: "But we'll be gods right?" Nolan Void: That's what I said. El Disgusto: "We'll take it."

And so the Lords of Reality made us into gods using something they

called 'the Apotheosis Device'. During the process our bodies were picked apart molecule by molecule and put back together again. Nolan even provided laminated illustrations of the experience and played Emerson, Lake and Palmer in the background to enhance the experience.

Nolan Void: "OK then, when you emerge from the glowing red crystal you feel enhanced. Your physical form shimmers. If you pause you can sense the passage of atoms, the secrets of the universe bubble unbidden to the surface of your mind." Weasly Crusher: "Are we gods yet?" Nolan Void: "Yes." Me: "I ask the-" Johnny Tangent: "I fly faster than the speed of light." Weasly Crusher: "I travel to the surface of the sun and walk around!" El Disgusto: "I teleport to Stonehenge!" Deviant Boy: "I turn Mars into a perfect duplicate of Gor and begin enslaving supermodels." Me: "Guys I don't think-" Nolan Void: "This isn't-" Deviant Boy: "I make myself into a perfect duplicate of Ron Jeremy sculpted in molten silver!" Weasly Crusher: "Oh yeah? Well I make myself look like an angel if Axyl Rose were an angel... with purple eyes."

Johnny Tangent: "Shape of.... Donny Osmond!" El Disgusto: "I shrink Stonehenge down and consume it. Then I find every holy place in the world and consume it." Nolan Void: "OK then your power may-" El Disgusto: "Then I raise Ryleh from beneath the sea and drain Cthulhu's life force." Deviant Boy: "I bring all the Disney Cartoon hotties to life and take them one by one! All of them- Ariel, Belle, Snow White, Bambi..." Me: "Bambi was male." Deviant Boy: "Yeah right who is gonna name a stripper after a male deer?" Weasly Crusher: "I bring all my D&D characters to life and take them to Denny's to apologize for the terrible rolls I make." Johnny Tangent: "I make them put a new Manimal series on the air and have Josh Wheaton write it. I star in it." El Disgusto: "Now I create a Stick of Pain out of Strange Matter. Then I force the elves to make me a mithral ninja suit." Nolan Void: "There... there are no elves in this game...." El Disgusto: "Then I create some elves and make them do what I say!" Deviant Boy: "Now I take Christine McGlade and make her my queen! Together will rule the New Gor." El Disgusto: "With my new and improved Stick of Pain and my mithral ninja suit I teleport back to where we started and give Ab3 a COSMIC NINJA SMACKDOWN!"

Me: "What?" El Disgusto: "You heard me! There can be only one- BITCH! What do I roll to attack? Hey Nolan I... where did he go?" But Nolan had locked himself in the bathroom and he refused to come out. He never ran a role-playing game again but some of the other guys say they've seen a character bearing his name on Everquest wandering the edges of the game world grumbling to anyone who might listen about strange conspiracies involving ninjas and the Osmonds. I left an enraged El Disgusto at the bus stop with Deviant Boy and Weasly Crusher. Johnny Tangent and I headed to the Booby Hatch, a local strip club, after all the night was still young.

RPG.NET rant #5 Achy Breaky Mythos

originally posted to PRG.net on 09-07-2002 03:36 AM: WARNING THE FOLLOWING POST MAY OFFEND PEOPLE WITH BIRTH DEFECTS, MOLES AND AND FANS OF HP LOVECRAFT, WRESTLING AND COUNTRY MUSIC

The poster of Billy Ray Cyrus on his wall should have been a warning sign to all of us. But we were desperate for a game of CALL OF CTHULHU that didn't have Dimensional Shamblers driving ice cream trucks. This new game master was Biff Bam, an old friend of Cheating Bastard, apparently they had met in military school together. It was a Sunday afternoon at

Biff's house and we were five pasty-skinned gamers crammed into the laundry room that was furnished with a washer, dryer, cardtable, mismatched chairs and a heat blistered photo of Mr. Achy-Breaky Heart himself. From where I sat Billy Ray stared out at me in bland judgment.

El Disgusto: "Look all I'm saying is that you owe me four bucks." Me: "I don't owe you anything, I told you not to eat that damn salad in my car." Weasly Crusher: "I can't believe that Deviant Boy would rather be with his girlfriend than game." Biff Bam: "Who's he with now anyway?" Weasly Crusher: "The girl that works at the comic shop.... Asenath." Cheating Bastard: "She seems nice..." El Disgusto: "Whoah! Wait! Hold the phone! Asenath? The one with the deformed baby arm thing going on?" Weasly Crusher: "That would be her." El Disgusto: "That's the ultimate lover he was bragging about?" Me: "Well I for one am glad that he found someone to bond with." El Disgusto: "She has a baby arm! How can he stand to even be near her? She's deformed! What can they possibly be doing together?" Weasly Crusher: "He says it's like getting a handjob from a Pterodactyl." Me: "Oh sweet Jesus you did not have to go there..."

Biff Bam: "Asenath? Is that name a Greek name? It sounds like something out of Vampire the MasqueradEIE."

That last bit was not a typo, that was how Biff pronounced 'Masquerade'. Biff had this habit of randomly mispronouncing things in ways that made little or no sense at all. To show this I will caps lock the creative pronunciations so we can all enjoy them.

Biff Bam: "I looked over your character sheets and everything is OK except for one thing. I asked everyone to make acaMAdemians and one of you made a nIMja." El Disgusto: "He is a professor of ninja studies." Me: "Did they have ninja studies in the 1930s?" El Disgusto: "You better watch yourself, you're already on thin ice with me." Me: "Ooooo I'm scared." El Disgusto: "Better be. I will drop you like a wet taco." Cheating Bastard: "What?" Biff Bam: "Keep it down guys. My Mom is trying to watch Madam's Place." Weasly Crusher: "Sorry." Biff Bam: "Well let's just say you are a professor of occidental mytholoGINITY who studies kung-fu and stuff."

El Disgusto: "Whatever."

As he was talking he closed the laundry room door, sealing us off from the outside world. The fluorescent light made my gaming companions look like cadavers-not like the healthy wholesome kind of cadavers you find under the earth, more like the kind you would find washed up off the shores of New Jersey. Biff set the stage for us with very broad strokes, we were all respected professors of mythology, theology and archeology.

Biff Bam: "Now all your characters know each other on a POURfesional level. For some of you there may be an academic rivalry. your character may have called another character's ideas into question." Cheating Bastard: "With near perfect scores like mine you'd have to crazy to mess with my character." Biff Bam: "All of your characters have a mutual friend, an adventurer named Dick Marvil." El Disgusto: "I have to be a professor and this Dick Marvil gets to be an adventurer?" Biff Bam: "Each of you receive a telegram from Dick asking you to visit him at the house he inherited in Arkham, Massachusetts ." Me: "I pack immediately!" Cheating Bastard: "I have my servants pack for me." Weasly Crusher: "I take my pet komodo dragon and go." Biff Bam: "Komodo?"

Weasly Crusher: "You agreed to it. It's on my character sheet." Biff Bam: "Let me see. Where?" Weasly Crusher: "On the back." Biff Bam: "Where?" Weasly Crusher: "Near the bottom." Biff Bam: "This thing here? I thought it was a watermark."

It took a few moments to resolve the whole komodo situation, mostly because Biff enforced his rulings by wrestling you to the ground and pinning you until you blacked out. All the while the laundry room grew hotter and hotter. I tried to distract myself from Weasly's muffled cries by glancing up at the poster but I had to look away.Was it my imagination or had his expression changed?

Biff Bam: "So you all reach Dick Marvil's great uncle's mAInor on the same dark and stormy night." El Disgusto: "Not me. I keep away from everyone else. I get a motel room in town and barricade myself in." Cheating Bastard: "Why?" El Disgusto: "Because they're my rivals, how do I know this isn't all some setup to get rid of me?" Me: "Our characters are academic rivals. Stress on academic." El Disgusto: "I'm role playing! My character is a very stressed person, no one respects the field of Applied Ninja Studies."

Weasly Crusher: "Is his character losing Sanity points already?" Me: "He's loosing them in real life." Biff Bam: "I'll be running the whole Sanity Points thing a little dYEfferently, just so you know." Me: "Differently how?" Biff Bam: "Well the whole SanANity rules thing doesn't make a lot of sense to me." Weasly Crusher: "It seems easy enough, you see something scary you roll your sanity." Cheating Bastard: "I rarely fail my sanity rolls." Biff Bam: "See that's the problAM, the whole Sanity thing is based on fear more than anything else and real men have no fear." Me: "Everyone is scared of something." Biff Bam: "That's what they tell the wussies." El Disgusto: "He means you ya wuss." Biff Bam: "So in my game you Sanity stat measures your manliness. The less Sanity pINts you have the more gay you are." Me: "You're kidding right?"

There was a muffled shouting and screeching from the other room. Biff paled a bit and excused himself from the laundry room. He made sure to close the door behind him.We stared at each other across the peeling card table and tried to make out what was being said behind the warped plywood door.

Cheating Bastard: "Wouldn't it be cool if just for once one El Disgusto's characters actually tried to join the party?" El Disgusto: "Wouldn't it be cool if you rolled your dice where everyone could see them?" Me: "Am I the only person uncomfortable with this guys homebrewed Sanity rules?" El Disgusto: "Wuss!" Me: "You know once I start slapping you I'm not going to be able to stop." El Disgusto: "Yeah try and slap me. I'm a six-month black belt. A white ninja. I walk between the raindrops!" Me: "And here I was just thinking you didn't shower." Weasly Crusher: "Am I the only person uncomfortable with the fact I was just wrestled to the ground?" Cheating Bastard: "Hey give the guy a chance here, he runs a cool game. And Dick Marvil is an awesome NPC." Weasly Crusher: "He was strangling me." Me: "Sorry this whole thing is a tad weird." El Disgusto: "Like I'm sure the opinion if some failed writer matters." Weasly Crusher: "I still can't feel my fingertips." Me: "What? Where the Hell do you get off talking to me like that?"

El Disgusto: "You've had three novels rejected by publishers here and in England. That sounds like failure to me." Me: "The only failure is in not trying." El Disgusto: "Oh please. Think about this Ab3, think about the worst novel ever published. By default that novel is better than anything you ever wrote. William Shatner's writing has more meaning than yours." When those words left his lips I could swear I heard the poster of Billy Ray Cyrus urging me to kill. Perhaps I might have. It wouldn't have been the first gaming related fatality in our town, but before I could act Biff returned and the game got back underway.While El Disgusto's character stayed in town and sharpened his katanas we were given a tour of the house that Dick Marvil had inherited. It was very creepy and very gothic... or goTHICKE as Biff would say.

Biff Bam: "Then Dick tells you about his adventures in the Orient and how he made a fortune smuggling jadEIE." Me: "Another fortune? How about that." Cheating Bastard: "Yeah my character helped with that." Biff Bam: "That was the time that Dick Marvil killed 11 men with a bent spoon." Cheating Bastard: "Saved my character's life I remember that." Weasly Crusher: "Who was game mastering this?" Biff Bam: "I was." El Disgusto: "I drag the whetstone across my katana. Scraaaape. Scraaaape. Scraaaaape."

By now the laundry room was roughly the temperature of Cthuga's blasphemous armpit. I sat there sweat pouring off me, as the Biff continued to feed us the 'Legend of Dick Marvil'.Dick Marvil was a man among men, a millionaire playboy and inventor. His hobbies were archeology and fighting crime. He was a master of the martial arts, boxing, fencing and a crack shot with any kind of gun. He could also drive racecars, navigate ships and fly aircraft. As he led us from room to room of the strange manor he puffed away on a pipe that had been given to him by 'Sherlock HolmSES'. Weasly Crusher: "But why are we here?" El Disgusto: "I'm not there. Scraaaaaape. Scraaaaaaape." Cheating Bastard: "Yes what can we do for the great man?" Biff Bam: "He has found in the basement a strange old library full of HOccult books. Only you four-" El Disgusto: "I'm not there! Scraaape. Scraaaaaape." Biff Bam: "Only you characters have the skills necessary to catalogue and investigate these books." Me: "Is he paying us?" Biff Bam: "Sure, but it's late he escorts you to your rooms so you can rest for the night. You can all start work in the morning." Me: "Fine. Fine I get ready for bed." Cheating Bastard: "My character works on his latest book." El Disgusto: "I wait until midnight. Then I go to stately Marvil manor." Weasly Crusher: "I get ready for bed too."

Biff Bam: "Do you change into your kimono? The one you have on the back of your character sheet?" Weasly Crusher: "No." Biff Bam: "Because that's what it says right?" Weasly Crusher: "Yes." Me: "Is there a window or something you can crack open here? It's stifling." Biff Bam: "Sorry, the only window's paiHAInted shut. If you're hot just take your shirt off."

And with that Biff took his shirt off. I must admit I had never considered what I might do if a fellow role player started stripping in front of me. I had hoped that if it did happen I would be gaming with either Phoebe Cates or Christine McGlade.But I never have that kind of luck. Instead I found myself starting at Biff's doughy man-teats.When I looked away I found myself staring back at Billy Ray. The haze of gamer's funk made his mullet shift disturbingly. Our characters turned in for the night.

El Disgusto: "I park my car a mile from the house. I'm all dressed in black. I walk- NO! Leap from tree to tree with just my katana and my Thompson submachine gun." Cheating Bastard: "Why?" El Disgusto: "Let's just say you bitches picked the wrong academic rival!" Biff Bam: "As you draw closer to the house you see strange gargURLE

like shapes moving about on the roof." El Disgusto: "Can I see what room Ab3's character is in?" Biff Bam: "Please make a Sanity roll." El Disgusto: "Why? For freaking shadows? I am a shadow! I'm a Ninja Ph.D.!" Biff Bam: "The shadows are unearTHEDly, please roll." El Disgusto: "Screw that my character wouldn't be scared of NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

El Disgusto tried to run but Biff had the home field advantage and before anyone else could react the 'white ninja' was in a figure four leglock. Cheating Bastard seemed to be enjoying the show, but Weasly was flinching. I stared at the poster, why would anyone have a poster like that on their laundry room wall? Why?Once Biff had reestablished himself as the alpha geek the game continued. El Disgusto was oddly subdued, even in the murky light I could see on his face the impression of the d4 he had landed on.

Biff Bam: "You guys sure you don't want to take your shirts off?" Weasly Crusher: "I'm comfortable." El Disgusto: "I doff my Boba Fett T-shirt for no man." Me: "I'm enjoying the whole heatstroke thing thanks anyway." Biff Bam: "What wrong with you? We're all guys here. Take off your shirt." Cheating Bastard: "What?"

Biff Bam: "C.B. take off your shirt."

It was like that scene at the end of FAME but worse because instead of Irene Cara you had a man with the physique and skin tones of a naked mole rat. From my vantage point Billy Ray seemed to be sizing up Cheating Bastard for reasons I couldn't fathom. If a poster could have seethed with inhuman urges this poster did.There was a fresh chorus of grumbles and roars. A shadow passed across Biff's features and he excused himself again.

Me: "We have got to get out of here." Cheating Bastard: "What for? We just got here." El Disguto: "ohshinobiohshibiohshinobi...." Weasly Crusher: "Maybe if our characters kill themselves." Me: "Let's just leave." Cheating Bastard: "You do that and he might get upset." El Disguto: "ohshinobiohshibiohshinobi...." Weasly Crusher: "We're doomed! I can't take my shirt off I just can't! I have this whole third nipple thing..." Cheating Bastard: "Just enjoy the game guys. He's a great GM." Me: "News flash! On the planet I'm from role-playing is not a blood sport!" El Disguto: "ohshinobiohshibiohshinobi...."

Me: "What the HELL are you doing?" El Disgusto: "Trying to contact the ninja I was in a previous life. With his power and mine we beat this guy's ass." Me: "You know every time I think I've met someone more screwed up than you- you just set the bar a little higher."

The terror and the heat made the minutes pass like hours. Could I make it past Biff to the door? The poster of Billy Ray Cyrus mocked my hopes. Was he some dark redneck god that we were all doomed to be sacrificed to?

Me: "Where did he go?" Cheating Bastard: "His mother has some foot condition. Has to give her like foot rubs every couple of hours or so." Weasly Crusher: "Oh my god." El Disgusto: "I thought I smelled Ben Gay!" Biff Bam: "Sorry to keep you waiting. Why does everyone still have their shirts on?"

I would like to be able to tell you that this was the moment I chose to make my stand against the madness going on around me but that's not exactly what happened. We role played shirtless for the next hour or so. Our characters were woken by the sound of Nightgaunts throwing a certain fully accredited ninja through the front window.Dick Marvil disappeared and we found ourselves under siege, none of the weapons we had- ninja or otherwise were at all effective. Our characters barricaded themselves in thelibrary and began desperately reading spellbooks in the hopes of some way they might save

themselves.

Biff Bam: "You failed your sanity roll again." Weasly Crusher: "Oh no." Biff Bam: "Ok now your character not only has a limp wrist which gEYEVEs him a dextEROSITY modifier but he now speaks with a lisp." Weasly Crusher: "Ok." Biff Bam: "You better be lisping when you talk. Got it?" Weasly Crusher: "YeTH." Cheating Bastard: "Do any of these booKTH help?" Biff Bam: "Nothing has hALPed yet. Suddenly the door crashes in and there are NiCEgaunts ever streaming down the stairs." El Disgusto: "I try to commit seppuku with a copy of the King In Yellow." Me: "Isn't there anything we can do?" Biff Bam: "No." Cheating Bastard: "I keep reading the booKTH. JusTH in CaseTH." Me: "I wait for the inevitable." Biff Bam: "The nightGRUNTS close in... closer... closer... when suddenly-" Weasly Crusher: "We all die... please?"

Biff Bam: "When suddenly Dick Marvil hurls himself down the stairs and wrestLEZ the closest nightgaunt to the ground." El Disgusto: "I'm still killing myself!" Biff Bam: "The nightgaunt's neck breaks with a sickening snap and then Dick Marvil throws himself at the next one and repEEPats the prUCEss!" Cheating Bastard: "DoeTH he kill all of them?" Biff Bam: "Yes. He breaks all their necks! You're saved!" Weasly Crusher: "Hooray." Me: "Wait a minute. Guns and katanas can't scratch these things but their necks snap like twigs?" Biff Bam: "Not my fault none of you thought to do that."

That was it. I was on my feet.

Me: "This is a load of bullshit. You don't know the first thing about Call of Cthulhu and you sure as Hell have no idea how to run a role-playing game if you think our idea of a good time is being your pet character's FUCKING ENTOURAGE!"

Cheating Bastard gasped with horror. Weasly crawled under the desk. El Disgusto soiled himself for reasons that could only be his own. I was already running for the door to the laundry room when I felt meaty hands grabbing hold of me and dragging me down. My vision began to go black. The last thing I saw was the poster of Billy Ray Cyrus and in that last moment I realized that when it came to horror gaming I didn't know Dick.

RPG.NET rant #6 Monty Python Mishaps In The Deepest Pit Of Homebrew Hell

originally posted to RPG.net on 09-18-2002 02:06 AM: PEOPLE THAT LIKE WILLIAM SHATNER, BEDWETTERS, MENTAL HEALTH WORKERS, PEOPLE THAT CREATE HOMEBREWED RPGS AND ANYONE THAT THINKS THESE THINGS AREN'T FUNNY AND I'M JUST BEATING A DEAD HORSE WITH THE STICK OF PAIN MAY NOT WANT TO READ ANY FURTHER. The state mental health facility realized Psycho Dave partly because he had agreed to stay at least 500 yards away from William Shatner and partly because they realized that he had somehow organized all the patients in the facility into some weird kind of STAR TREK LARP. We celebrated his return to the outside world by gathering at El

Disgusto's basement for a game. Psycho Dave: "It was the most intense gaming of my life. I almost wish I'd done something worse so we could have continued the game." Weasly Crusher: "I wish I could have been there." El Disgusto: "Yeah well I'm glad your back so we can get some normal gaming done again." Me: "The basement looks great. Did your parents remodel?" El Disgusto: "Kinda, they found this toxic mold growing all over the walls and ceiling." Me: "What? I thought they just repainted."

El Disgusto: "Nahhh these are the original colors. The mold just kind of covered everything. Me: "My God... we're been playing here for over a year..." El Disgusto: "Yeah, I guess they couldn't believe how much of it there was. They sent over some scientists from the university to look at it." Weasly Crusher: "Wow." El Disgusto: "Then I had to administer a Stick of Pain beatdown to one of them when I caught one of them eyeing my ELEMENTALS SEX SPECIAL." Psycho Dave: "That's justifiable." El Disgusto: "It gets better once I hit this old fart he goes falling back into my table of just painted minis. I was ready to kill- if my Mom hadn't-" Me: "Old fart? You hit an old man?" El Disgusto: "He had a fair chance to defend himself, he had a cane!" Weasly Crusher: "Could we have gotten high from eating the toxic mold?" The basement door creaked open and Cheating Bastard came in carrying three milk crates stuffed with ring binders. Since we all had bad feelings regarding D&D, Lords of Creation and Call of Cthulhu Cheating Bastard had volunteered to run us through the homebew rpg system and world he had been working on since the Early Eighties. I might have been a little worried if I hadn't noticed that Biff Bam was helping him carry milk crates five through eight.

Me: "What the Hell is he doing here?" Psycho Dave: "I invited him." Me: "Why?" Psycho Dave: "We're old friends. We got thrown out of basic training together." Weasly Crusher: "He's the one that kept wrestling us to the ground!" Me: "He brutalized us!" Psycho Dave: "Calm down. He'll behave. He probably did realize what a bunch of sissies you guys can be." Weasly Crusher: "He threw me to the ground so hard that it made it hurt when I pee." El Disgusto: "What are you guys talking about? I was there and none of this happen." Me: "What are we talking about? You were right there. He made us strip to the waist! He pinned you to the floor!" El Disgusto: "Never happened." Me: "Boy I wish I could edit my life for content." Cheating Bastard: "OK I hope you guys are ready for an awesome gaming experience!" Me: "It looks impressive." Cheating Bastard: "Yeah I haven't run this game since Lance Stargrove's gaming group left town." Weasly Crusher: "Wasn't that the gaming group that went crazy all of

a sudden, set fire to their gaming supplies and joined some weird space cult?" Cheating Bastard: "I think they're called Heaven's Gate or something." Psycho Dave: "That was a great movie. Highly underrated." Biff Bam: "Ok I'll be helping with character crEEPation, did you all bring an algebraHAic calculators?"

And so it began, our decent into a nightmare of randomly generated attributes and higher maths began. First you rolled for your date of birth and your land of birth, then you rolled for your race. The book of races was over 200 pages and ranged from 'Dwarf Gnome' to 'Minor Robotic Godling (Insane)'. These three rolls were then factored in to compute a number that was added to the roll you made to determine your family background. Each of these societal, familial and locational factors were then averaged out and computed into a set of modifiers that you used when you rolled up your character's statistics and personal appearance factors. Psycho Dave ended up creating a Berserker Space Elf, Weasly Crusher was a Mountain Ogre Cleric, Biff Bam was a Human Paladin, I ended up with a telekinetic farmer with exhibitionist tendencies and El Disgusto rolled up... a Ninja.I found that profoundly disturbing.Then we began equipping our characters and I then realized the depth of Cheating Bastard's madness. He had an entire binder full of different sorts of equipment and then another binder full of randomly generated backgrounds for the equipment you bought. That way you knew if your sword was actually an heirloom from an empire long dead, if the food you bought was about to go bad and if your pack mule had anger management issues. It was around this point that I began to feel faint. Cheating Bastard: "See now you've got characters you know from top to bottom." Me: "How long have we been doing this? Who's president now?"

Weasly Crusher: "So my Ogre used to be a solider but after he was visited by his God on a battlefield on an alien planet he become a cleric?" Cheating Bastard: "Don't forget that you were on that alien battlefield searching for your long lost brother. That gave you an Emotional Wisdom modifier of +x(3/Y)." Weasly Crusher: "Oh yeah." El Disgusto: "What's the velocity modifier on a 70 year old katana that's been well taken care of?" Biff Bam: "You take the standard weapon statistic and factor it with the age, metal pERity and pommel modifiers." El Disgusto: "I think I need another pencil." Me: "This system of yours... its interesting." Cheating Bastard: "It's Rolemaster if Rolemaster hadn't been dumbed down for the masses." Biff Bam: "It's manly role-playing." Weasly Crusher: "So why did you guys get thrown out of basic training?" Psycho Dave: "The usual, insubordination, setting fires and bedwetting. I thought that kind of thing would get me on the fast track to Special Forces." Biff Bam "Let's just say that I was a little too manly for the Army. They were intimidDIMated by me." Psycho Dave: "I thought it was your weight."

Biff Bam: "No! You see that's a common mistake. I'm not fat this is just untoned muscle. I'm actually as PSYCHICally strong as your average Olympic Weightlifter... I'm just not as toned." Cheating Bastard: "To Hell with them anyway, we're forming our own militia." Biff Bam: "I'm desginIMINing the logo for our berets." Me: "It has been five hours can we please start the game soon?" El Disgusto: "Wuss." Me: "So help me I'm going to beat your skull until candy comes out." El Disgusto: "Try it and I'll saw you in half and count your rings." Me: "Uhhhhh...."

Finally the game began, Cheating Bastard had promised a game that was new and different. A game world that encompassed everything from science fantasy to high fantasy. But somehow we ended up at a tavern at the edge of a swamp waiting for a mysterious stranger to ask us to do something. We spent a little time role playing and negotiating with the mysterious stranger about our quest. Apparently he had stolen some mystical do-dad from the Spider Elves and he wanted us to bring it to a certain place by a certain time.However in a surprising turn of events a squad of Spider Elves stormed the tavern looking for the mysterious stranger and combat broke out. Combat the likes of which no man was ever meant to endure. Miniatures slide rules and compasses were used to generate the necessary to hit algorithms. Two hours later the first round of combat was over and I was beginning to suspect that Jack Chick may have had a point after all.

Cheating Bastard: "Too bad. You might have hit if not for the inverse drag coefficient of the blood coating your blade." El Disgusto: "Damnit!" Biff Bam: "I hate it when that happens." Me: "Is that the sun coming up?" Psycho Dave: "So everyone got away except the Ninja." Weasly Crusher: "Shouldn't we go back and rescue him?" Me: "What would take longer? More combat or rolling up another PC?" (Lots of dice roll) Cheating Bastard: "The surviving Spider Elves knock the blade from your hands. They hold you by gabbing on to each of your arms and stretching you out." El Disgusto: "I try to break free Ninja style." Cheating Bastard: "That would be a back flip and a double mule kick. Biff get me the third volume of the combat maneuvers book." (A d20, d30 and d4 roll later) El Disgusto: "Shit!" Cheating Bastard: "As they hold you there a dark figure in a golden codpiece approaches. The other Spider Elves defer to him and call him 'Most Holy'. "

El Disgusto: "I call him Most Assholy!" Cheating Bastard: "The Most Holy of the Spider Elves smiles thinly and approaches and says that you will not be harmed and he has his men release you." El Disgusto: "I attack him!" (More dice are rolled in combination with non-Euclidean maths) Cheating Bastard: "Ok the Spider Elves grab you by the arms again, but this time they're holding you up." El Disgusto: "I try to escape Ninja-Style." Cheating Bastard: "Ok but don't forget to factor in wounds and exhaustion." (More math and dice) El Disgusto: "DAMN IT!" Cheating Bastard: "The Most Holy of the Spider Elves says he just needs to speak to you and then you can go free he tells you-" El Disgusto: "I curse him and challenge him to a duel!" Cheating Bastard: "He explains that he doesn't want to fight you, he just needs to speak to you because he needs-" El Disgusto: "I kick him! I try to bite him if he gets too close!" Me: "Maybe you should just have your character listen to what this guy has to say." El Disgusto: "Maybe you should just put on a dress and pick daisies!"

Cheating Bastard: "Most Holy draws the weapon from the scabbard at his side. You see it is a stellar blade, a sword that can tear through solid steel." El Disgusto: "I tell him that he can eat it! Eat it raw!" Cheating Bastard: "He tells his minions to hold you tightly, drawing your arms out taut from you body. He tells you that if you don't shut up and listen he will cut off your arm." El Disgusto: "I spit a ninja loogie into his face." (Lots of dice are rolled) Cheating Bastard: "He swings the blade down and severs your arm." El Disgusto! "Perfect! Since I'm free on one side I use the momentum to swing and head butt Mister Most Holy!" Cheating Bastard: "No you don't! You're in agony!" El Disgusto: "A ninja does not feel pain! I attack!" (A few heated words and harsh calculations later) Cheating Bastard: "Ok now your character has lost both his arms." El Disgusto: "I attack again." Biff Bam: "My God we're in a MONTHly Python skit." Cheating Bastard: "How? How are you going to attack?" Me: "You know he has a point... your ninja has been totally disarmed." Our laughter only made Cheating Bastard and El Disgusto more angry. Another hour passed an in that hour El Disgusto's Ninja lost both his

legs. The remainder of the party was killed when Weasly's Mountain Ogre fumbled using his racial ability and summoned an entire mountain on top of the swamp. Apparently mountains fall from the sky pretty regularly on this world. By then of course I had left. I had to be to work that morning.

RPG.NET rant #7 Kobayashi Maru With Random Violence and Supermodels

originally posted to RPG.net on 09-26-2002 10:15 PM: WARNING THE FOLLOWING STORY MAY OFFEND STAR TREK FANS, SUPERMODELS AND ANYONE THAT BELIEVES LORENZO LAMAS IS THE EPITOME OF COOLNESS. Ab3's log: SupplementalIt had been a bad month for gaming. Biff Bam had been missing since we tried to run through the Tomb of Horrors. It all started when his Barbarian fighter blundered through a portal. The portal was cursed and his character came out the other end of the portal nude and of the opposite gender. No one expected Biff Bam to burst into tears and flee El Disgusto's basement. Everyone had assumed that I would be the one to end up doing that someday.After that I had tried to run BEYOND THE SUPERNATURAL but I dropped the campaign when I realized that El Disgusto had used the skill sets from NINJAS AND SUPERSPIES first edition to make his character. I signed on to run a horror game not to watch a character described as 'Lorenzo Lamas but cooler' kick werewolves through buses.Well, that's kind of a horror game I suppose. Now we were playing Star Trek, the FASA rpg. Psycho-Dave was running, his stint in the mental ward had inspired him.That's how El Disgusto, Weasly Crusher, Ol' Yellowbelly and I found in Psycho Dave's

room, playing the bridge crew of the USS Indestructible II...

Psycho Dave: "You have an incoming transmission. Ab3 you're playing the communications officer, make a Dexterity roll to make sure your character doesn't slip and smack his face into the control panel while answering it." (roll) Me: "I made it." El Disgusto: "Nice going 'Uhura'." Me: "Keep it up with the Urhura jokes and I'll slap you until you think Trek V was a masterpiece." Weasly Crusher: "It wasn't?" Psycho Dave: "It's a distress call, coming from a Starbase near the border with Klingon Space. They are under attack and you are the only ship close enough to get there in time." Ol' Yellowbelly: "Oh my GOD! It's the Kobiashi Maru! We're screwed! We're screwed! Can't we call the Enterprise for backup?" Psycho Dave: "No." Ol' Yellowbelly: "Can't we fly sideways around the sun and travel back in time to before the attack happened and warn the Enterprise?" Psycho Dave: "No." Ol' Yellowbelly: "Do we have to go?" Psycho Dave: "Yes."

Ol' Yellowbelly: "But- but-" Psycho Dave: "Do you want me to play Leonard Nimoy's version of PROUD MARY for you again?" Ol' Yellowbelly: "Get me to that Starbase! Maximum warp!"

I never really understood why Ol' Yellowbelly got into role-playing at all because he hated conflicts and confrontations. His characters had fled the field of battle in just about every gaming genre I could think of. Even playing RISK and MONOPOLY he brought an aspect of groveling to the table. The only way he would be a good role-player was if White Wolf came out with CROCHET: THE KNITTING.So naturally Psycho Dave decided to make him Captain.

Psycho Dave: "At this speed your ship will be at the Starbase in twenty minutes." Ol' Yellowbelly: "I go to my ready room and start making plans." Psycho Dave: "Roll to see if you trip on the step and knock yourself unconscious." Weasly Crusher: "Can I help." Me: "You're the helmsman you have to steer the ship." Weasly Crusher: "I thought I was the weapons guy." Psycho Dave: "You have both jobs." El Disgusto: "Which sucks. I was the weapons guy last ship." Me: "You being the weapons guy is what cost us the Indestructible One."

El Disgusto: "Those fricken' Gorns had it coming." Weasly Crusher: "The didn't do anything." El Disgusto: "They were hailing us. I had to show them who was boss before Captain Twitchy started talking and made us look like Picard like wussies." Weasly Crusher: "You fired unprovoked at a dreadnought." Me: "And then they fired back. Boy did they fire back." Ol' Yellowbelly: "I didn't think the Ardiun Grimmores had tables for explosive decompression." Psycho Dave: "Arduin has something about everything. It's like Dianetics for men. Now did you fail your Dex roll or not?" Ol' Yellowbelly: "Yes." Psycho Dave: "All right then let's get out those damage tables." Me: "You know this whole 'roll to see if you trip and fall down' thing is kinda mean-spirited." Psycho Dave: "Gaming is a simulation of life. Are you saying people don't trip and fall down in real life?" Me: "No but-" El Disgusto: "You know if you don't like it you can just go play in that Lords of Creation Game I hear Deviant Boy and his girlfriend are setting up." Weasly Crusher: "I didn't know that he had a copy of the rules."

El Disgusto: "I traded him the rulebooks Ab3 left here for a Whopper." Me: "Those- You- Look can we just get back to this tripping and falling down discussion?" Psycho Dave: "No. Realism is what I am aiming for here and realism is what you are getting. OK Yellowbelly your character hits his mouth on the deck shattering his wisdom tooth to the gumline." Weasly Crusher: "Ow!" Ol' Yellowbelly: "Now I see why Bones was always on the bridge." Psycho Dave: "You're knocked unconscious by the pain." Me: "I call the ship's Doctor and-" El Disgusto: "Belay that order! As First Officer I am now in charge! I order engineering to increase speed." Weasly Crusher: "We are already moving at maximum warp." El Disgusto: "Bullcrap! Too much energy is being wasted. I order life support cut by fifty percent. I also have a pair of security guards fire their phasers into the dylithium containment chamber to 'hyperhcarge' the crystals." Ol' Yellowbelly: "Will that work?" Me: "I beg the captain to wake up." El Disgusto: "I call security to the bridge to arrest the Communications Officer for insubordination!" Me: "Woah wait. Hold on a minute here. What the hell is that sticking out of your notebook?"

Psycho Dave: "A sai." Me: "No! The other thing." Psycho Dave: "Oh you mean this?"

There are moments in everyone's life when their preconceived notions of reality are shaken to their very foundations. This was one of them for me. I had known my gaming friends were insane but what happened next would show me the depths of their madness. The magazine that Psycho Dave dropped on the table before me was thick, glossy and reeked of mingled perfumes.

Me: "Why... why are you reading Cosmo?" Psycho Dave: "It's all part of my master plan." Me: "Master plan to what?" Psycho Dave: "I long ago decided that only a supermodel was worthy to carry my noble bloodline." Ol' Yellowbelly: "Is this some kind of sicko kidnapping thing you're planning because that breaks me out in hives..." El Disgusto: "No this plan is better. It's sheer genius. If my heart wasn't already spoken for I'd be trying it too." Weasly Crusher: "Since when do you have a girlfriend?" El Disgusto: "Gentlemen don't brag but I've been seeing a girl pretty regularly for some time now." Weasly Crusher: "Who is she?"

El Disgusto: "Her name is Anne McKenzie and you wouldn't know her, she lives in Canada." Me: "You're not going to try and use the 'I'm dating a girl in Canada' line are you?" El Disgusto: "She's real which is more than I can say for your hairline combover boy." Me: "Look can we get back to this whole Cosmopolitan Magazinesupermodel-masterplan-thing? I'm morbidly curious." Psycho Dave: "The idea came to me a few weeks ago. I couldn't sleep so I decided to try and roll up characters in the Marvel Super Heroes RPG Ultimate Powers Book until I got two that were exactly the same." Weasly Crusher: "I thought I was the only one that did that." Ol' Yellowbelly: "What does that have to do with supermodels?" Psycho Dave: "Well I realized that all life is based on percentages... just like a role-playing game. You walk to work there's a good chance that you'll get there, a small chance that a rabid squirrel will bite you on the testicle." Weasly Crusher: "I wish you'd all stop bringing that up." Psycho Dave: "The more you try to do something the greater your chance of actually succeeding, once again percentages." Me: "Once again how do anorexic women carrying your filthy seed factor into this conversation?" Psycho Dave: "Then I realized that I could make these percentages work for me. You see if I write one letter to one supermodel asking her to marry me the chances of my getting a yes are a million to one

right?" Me: "Conservatively." Psycho Dave: "Therefore if I write thousands of letters to hundreds of different models my percentages increase. The more letters I write the better my chances." El Disgusto: "The man's a genius." Me: "The man's got more stamps than sanity." Psycho Dave: "You won't be mocking me when Kathy Ireland is at my side massaging my dicebag. All I have to do is play the percentages."

The whole thing left me more disturbed than any Kirk and Spock in love ever could have. Somehow Captain Yellowbelly woke up before El Disgusto could do any serious damage to the ship and the USS Indestructible II approached the starbase.

Psycho Dave: "The starbase is a smoldering ruin of melted metal." Ol' Yellowbelly: "Shields." Weasly Crusher: "I raise the shields." Me: "I try to contact the base." El Disgusto: "I scan the wreckage." Psycho Dave: "Oh it's wreckage all right." Ol' Yellowbelly: "I get out of my chair and edge my way to the door to the turbolift."

El Disgusto: "I get ready to hurl myself at the captain's chair." Psycho Dave: "A Klingon vessel decloaks directly in front of you. The Klingon captain hails your vessel. " (roll dice) Ol' Yellowbelly: "I get into the turbolift and get to the escape pods!" (roll dice) El Disgusto: "I fling myself into the captain's chair! Weasly Crusher: "Do starships have escape pods?" Me: "I put the Klingon Captain onscreen." Psycho Dave: "He introduces himself as Klingon Captain Shickelgruber." Weasly Crusher: "Why is that name so familiar?" El Disgusto: "I tell him that I am Captain Jared Synn of the USS Indestructible II and that he had damn well better surrender to us lickety split!" Me: "You want to say 'likety-split' to a Klingon?" Ol' Yellowbelly: "Am I at the escape pods yet?" Psycho Dave: "Captain Shickelgruber laughs at you. His whole bridge crew laughs at you." El Disgusto: "THAT DOES IT! Time to show these guys I mean business. I whip out my phaser and kill the Helmsman."

(roll dice, drop jaws) Me: "You what?" El Disgusto: "My character says 'If I'm crazy enough to kill my own crew think of what I might do to you!'" Weasly Crusher: "But I'm the Helmsman..." Psycho Dave: "Actually you're smoldering atoms right now." Ol' Yellowbelly: "Look can I just put on a space suit and take my chances outside?" Weasly Crusher: "Didn't I even get a dodge?" El Disgusto: "Where is your sense of realism? You don't get a dodge when you get shot in the back." Psycho Dave: "The Klingons are laughing even harder now. They dare you to kill more of your crew." El Disgusto: "Fire phasers! And Photon torpedoes!" Psycho Dave: "Nothing happens." El Disgusto: "Why the hell not?" Me: "Because you just shot the Helmsman." Weasly Crusher: "But I didn't even get to dodge..." El Disgusto: "Oh I see how it is. I move to the fire the weapons myself." Psycho Dave: "Too late the Klingons fire all their weapons at you destroying your ship in a ball of science fictional type hellfire."

El Disgusto: "This is all your fault Ab3!" A moment later Weasly ran from the room sobbing. Then Psycho Dave, frustrated at having two Star Trek campaigns destroyed by the same man grabbed the sai from his notebook and attacked El Disgusto. Ol' Yellowbelly crawled under Psycho Dave's bed and then began shrieking at what he found there. Sighing to myself I grabbed the copy of Cosmo and flipped to the article about how to get thinner thighs in 30 days.At this point some of you might wonder why I kept gaming with these guys when every game was a nightmare. Well, I figured every game couldn't be a disaster so I just kept playing the percentages.

RPG.NET rant #8 What Do You Mean You Lost My Wife's Kidney?

originally posted to RPG.net on 10-04-2002 02:01 AM: WARNING THE FOLLOWING MAY OFFEND PEOPLE WHO HATE OFF TOPIC POSTINGS, DIVORCEES, PEOPLE CONCERNED ABOUT GNS, PEOPLE THAT LIKE COHERENT STORIES AND FISTING ENTHUSIASTS (I'm feeling sentimental so this week's tale is the story of my journey to Fatherhood.) Again and again the doctors told my wife and I that there was little to no chance we would ever have children. It was a blow to the wife of course, she loved kids and it was blow to me as well. You see ever since I had been eighteen I had dreamt of fatherhood. Me: "I had the weirdest dream last night." Kid Snotrocket: "Was it the one about Phoebe Cates?"

Me: "No I dreamt I had a baby." Kid Snotrocket: "You dreamt you were pregnant?" Me: "No! I dreamt I had a little girl." Kid Snotrocket: "Damn you got issues...." Me: "Not like that! Jesus!" Which was odd because fatherhood had always seemed to me to be something that happened to other people. By day if you asked me what I wanted I would have told you I wanted to be a writereverything else was secondary.But at night in my dreams it was a different matter. In my dreams I had a daughter, dark eyed, tawny haired and full of smiles. In my dreams a tiny hand held mine wherever I walked.I would wake to find myself possessed of a kind of aimless melancholy, a feeling of something missing or something lost. And then in 1999 I got a call from my wife. Retail Napoleon: "Ab3 you're lazy and useless and you've got a phone call. Make it snappy!" Me: "So what's it like to be able to fuck a Cheerio and not break it?" Retail Napoleon: "You would do well not to taunt the awesome power of the Assistant Manager." Me: "Assistant Manager? Isn't that the same thing as a cashier with keys to the store?" Retail Napoleon: "Get your call and then get your toilet scrubbing gloves on smart guy!" (pick up phone) Me: "Hello?" Missus Ab3: "I just got back from the doctor and guess what... Dad."

Me: "Dad?" Maybe the doctors had all been wrong, maybe it was a miracle, maybe it was because we'd just visited Disney's Magic Kingdom- I don't know. All I do know is that despite the odds my wife was pregnant.Things began to move very quickly once we found out. We had been living in Florida but we moved back to New York for reasons that were both familial and financial. The trip back was a nightmare. We had no time to pack, no time to truly say good-bye to our friends. My best memory is my last evening with my old gaming group is a raucous evening watching THEY CALL ME TRINITY and telling gaming stories. Ticking Time Bomb: "Yeah that sure was embarrassing." Babe Magnet: "But funny." Me: "You know that would make a funny story. Other people should hear these." Babe Magnet: "You couldn't tell those stories." Me: "Sure I could. I could just change all the names." Ticking Time Bomb: "It wouldn't be right." Me: "Aw come on, I could just post them to some obscure BBS haunted by gamers, conspiracy theorists and sexual deviants." Babe Magnet: "No. If you did that we'd have to track you down and kill you." Ticking Time Bomb: "Kill you real, real slow." Leases were settled and jobs were quit. Since we had believed we were going to be childless we had decided instead to get pets-lots of pets. We had 2 cats, an albino parakeet, 2 cockatiels and a sociopathic

lovebird. Too many pets now that a baby was on the way so we decided to keep the cats but we tried to find good homes for all the birds. We placed the cockatiels and parakeet easily, they were sweet animals and I miss them. The lovebird was another matter. Potential Bird Owner: "What a pretty little bird." Me: "Yes her name is Bernice. If you take her we will throw in the cage." Potential Bird Owner: "Let me see if she will perch on my finger." Me: "I'm not sure we have time to - Look out!" Potential Bird Owner: "MY NIPPLE! IEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" The long and short of it, we still have the damn bird.Right before we left Florida we got an ultrasound or two and found out the baby was actually further along than was originally suspected. We also found out that I was going to have a daughter. I was at once stunned and ecstatic.We rented a U-Haul truck packed away our worldly goods (8 boxes of clothes 40 boxes of rpgs and books) and we left Florida. The trip took a day and a half longer than it should have thanks to the UHaul truck breaking down every 12 hours or so. Two of my old friends Chevy Cordova and The Wild One were there to help us make the trip. Three of us drove the Brunomobile, my wife drove U-Haul. By the time Albany was in sight we were all ready to kill each other. Chevy Cordova: "Please sweet Jesus let those be the lights of Albany up ahead." Me: "My turn to pick the CD!" The Wild One: "Hey! The cat ate all the bottle rockets we got in South Carolina." Chevy Cordova: "Ab3, please do not put another Tom Waits CD into

that CD player." Me: "Hey you're the one that made us listen to the Best of Lynard Skynard twice." Chevy Cordova: "Lynard Skynard is classic rock, Tom Waits is just another way for you to reject the world." The Wild One: "Hey where is the Pod Racer toy from my happy meal?" Me: "We didn't get a happy meal. The girl at the drive through just got all screwed up because you had that weird special order." The Wild One: "Look you get jelly with breakfast you should be able to get jelly with a Big Mac." Chevy Cordova: "Besides the Pod Racer was buried in my fry box, it is rightfully mine." Me: "OK you two knuckleheads I paid for that food, you ate and spilled it in my car. That Pod Racer belongs to me." The Wild One: "It's mine!" Me: "Mine! Gimmie!" Chevy Cordova: "Covet not the Pod Racer oh balding one!" The Wild One: "Hey maybe we should all calm down. We're tired and stressed and..." Me: "If you're feeling froggy punk- try and jump!" The Wild One: "Oh to Hell with this..." (Slapfight ensues) Makes you wonder why my wife chose to make the entire drive by herself in the U-Haul. Finally we made it back to Albany. The baby was

five months away, we lived with my wife's parents while we searched for employment and apartments. The next month was a dizzying whirlwind of baby showers, job interviews and uncomfortable reunions. Imagine my surprise when I found out Deviant Boy and El Disgusto had gotten an apartment together... Me: "Well I'm back. Hey you guys have a nice place." Deviant Boy: "Yeah it's all I've got left since that bitch of a wife of mine took me to the cleaners." Me: "I didn't know you got married." Deviant Boy: "Well I'm not anymore." Weasly Crusher: "Welcome back Ab3." Cheating Bastard: "There's a face I never thought I would see again." Me: "Good to see you guys." Weasly Crusher: "How long has it been?" Me: "Almost three years. What have you all been up to?" Cheating Bastard: "Have you accepted Christ as your personal savior Ab3?" Me: "Didn't you used to be a shoplifter?" Cheating Bastard: "Yes I am a shoplifter but Jesus forgives me." Me: "I'm so glad for you." Weasly Crusher: "Check it out he stole us a copy of CANDYLAND. This game is so cool." Biff Bam: "I find that CaHEndyland is a bit too Gamist for my preferences."

Weasly Crusher: "Are you insane? CANDYLAND is all about Narratavism! Who will get to go to Queen Frostine's iceberg with all of it's Freudian implications? And aren't the trials faced by a player in Molasses Swamp similar to the ones Luke Skywalker in that cave on Dagoba?" Cheating Bastard: "Important questions one and all but more importantly have Ab3 accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior? Remember there is no saving throw against eternal damnation." Me: "Did I mention I'm going to be a father? My wife is going to have a little girl." Deviant Boy: "Babies! Just another evil plot by women to soak men for money!" Weasly Crusher: "One of my characters had a baby once. I shudder at the memory." Biff Bam: "Was it a Simumationist chiLPdbirth?" Cheating Bastard: "And what about your child? Have you told your child about the loving grace of Jesus?" Me: "Because she isn't born yet?" Cheating Bastard: "That's not an excuse. If that baby doesn't accept the loving grace of Jesus Christ then she will be cast into Hell to burn in the cleansing fires of eternity." Me: "You know I liked you better when you worshipped cs McCracken ." Deviant Boy: "Hell? Don't talk to me about Hell- I was married to Satan!" Me: "Heh- So where is El Disgusto?" Weasly Crusher: "He's over there in the corner."

Me: "That's El Disgusto? I thought it was a life-size replica of Stephen Hawking." Cheating Bastard: "He gets that a lot." Me: "What's with the IVs and Foley bag? Is he sick?" Deviant Boy: "No but after his parents and their dog died in that freak Bounce House accident he inherited tons of money." Me: "Bounce House? What does this have to do with the shape he's in?" Deviant Boy: "Once the checks cleared he got a huge PC, cable modem, and Everquest account and a nurse to change his bags and water him." Weasly Crusher: "He's abandoned his real life in favor of his online one." Biff Bam: "He's happier that wMay." El Disgusto: "...everquest good..." Weasly Crusher: "Another gamer lost to the Simumlationist gratification of Everquest." Biff Bam: "I see Everquest as more of a strict Gamist environment." El Disgusto: "...narativism immersive...." Me: "Can't we talk about Jesus instead?" Deviant Boy: "But enough about how one vindictive woman has ruined my life and credit. I hear you got yourself published!" Me: "Yes I did. I have a series of zombie short stories appearing in the role playing game All Flesh Must Be Eaten."

Biff Bam: "I thought you said you got published?" Me: "I did, in the role playing game-" El Disgusto: "...gaming fiction does not count...does not count..." Me: "Yes it does. It's in print." Deviant Boy: "No one reads gaming fiction. The blow right past it- just like the dialogue in a porn film." Weasly Crusher: "Porn films have dialogue?" Biff Bam: "Everyone knowEs Gaming fiction blows. The first Torg novel was so bad it gave me hysIAterical blindness." Deviant Boy: "I am very disappointed in you Ab3." Cheating Bastard: "Well don't feel so bad at least you didn't sell your work to Eden Studios." Biff Bam: "Yeah, if youIN did work for those creeps we would have to choice but to kiHEll you. Kill you realL slow." El Disgusto: "...kill you real real slow..." And they say you can't home again.The missus and I found an apartment that was the best we could afford considering our pulverized finances. We ended up in a neighborhood where every night seemed to be a dress rehearsal for COPS. Our landlord was either the laziest, dumbest or evilest human being I had ever met but I stayed clear of him because he had the exact same name as one of my old D&D characters and I was frightened. I remember the day after we finished setting up the baby's room raw sewage had begun leaking from the ceiling. Apparently our landlord/maintenance man had wandered off in the middle of repairing a leaky toilet.Regardless we got by, we made a crappy apartment into a nice one. Well actually my wife did all the decorating, my contributions were limited to things like this;

Missus Ab3: "Which paint do you like better? Beige or puce?" Me: "Either or." Missus Ab3: "Would you please help me decide here?" Me: "Sweetheart, I really don't mind either way. You have better taste when it comes to colors." Missus Ab3: "Honey I value your opinion, we have to make these decisions or what's the point?" Me: "Oh all right. Hmmmm I think I prefer the beige." Missus Ab3: "Oh no beige would never match the drapes at all. I think puce is better." Me: "My work here is done." My wife went into labor on the day she was to go to the hospital to have labor induced. A night of labor and four hours of pushing later we still had no baby. People were coming and going all the time. Dozens of people were looking at my wife's private parts- I was starting to understand how Tommy Lee Jones must have felt. The Doctors and the nurses started to look more and more concerned and I started to get more and more worried as the contractions continued and still no baby.Finally they decided they were going to have to perform a cesarean section. Everything seemed to be happening way to fast and in slow motion at the same time. The wheeled her into the OR and had me wait outside with an odd-looking orderly. He was supposed to keep me distracted and calm while they prepped my wife, he ended up freaking me out more then he ever knew. Orderly: "Just be sure to keep your cool when they send you in there your wife's going to need you to be calm for her."

Me: "OK... OK..." Orderly: "I learned to keep calm in the navy, I served on a nuclear submarine." Me: "What?" Orderly: "Yeah we'd go under the water for months at a time. You'd be surprised how much stuff they have stowed away down there." Me: "You're not a ninja are you?" Finally they let me in the room, my wife was laid out on the table, a partition keeping me from seeing the work the doctors were doing on her. The air was rank with the scent of medicines and sterilizing alcohol but beneath that there was this sharp, fleshy odor I knew to be the scent of blood.The anesthetics they had used on my wife left her quaking uncontrollably. I held her hand and told her how much I loved her and how brave she was. I looked up once only to notice that I could see my wife's insides reflected in the doctor's glasses.Things began to take so long that my wife's anesthetics began to wear off. Finally I got fed up and got one of the attention of a nurse. Me: "What the Hell is going on here? Why is this taking so long? She's having a baby not playing a game of Champions." Nurse: "What?" Me: "Er... what's going on?" Nurse: "Well the baby has become lodged in the birth canal, the doctor can't seem to ease the baby out so we now have a nurse pushing from the other end trying to dislodge it." Me: "So in the middle of surgery a nurse is fisting my wife." Nurse: "In a manner of speaking." Me: "Does my insurance cover this?"

A few minutes later another Doctor brushed past me carrying a glistening bundle of pink with a mop of dark hair. In the movies the baby flails and cries when it's born.My daughter was doing neither. And the doctors were still flitting about my wife; re-anestizing her calling in other doctors.I watched them assault my daughter with tubes, IV's in her veins and a tube down her throat to clear out the Meconium that was choking her. That got my little once screaming.The reality of what was happening made me dizzy. I felt like I wanted to laugh weep and throw up all at once. Many women had said they felt the same way after seeing me naked.The urge to hold that little dream come true of mine was incredible but before I could do anything they placed her on a gurney and rolled her out of the room. My wife of course was getting frantic wanting to know why they wouldn't let her see her baby. I tried to calm her down but after another Doctor showed up I started to feel a little frantic. When I spoke to him I began to realize what was going on. Me: "What do you mean you can't find my wife's kidney?" Doctor: "It's not that we lost it, it may have gotten severed during the cesarean section, or perhaps it was merely shifted around during the delivery. Perhaps your wife is one of those rare people born with only one kidney." Me: "Yeah she's one in a million. So what happens now?" Doctor: "We are going to close up now and wheel your wife on down to get her a CAT scan, we should be able to get a better picture of what's going on and decide we can do from there." Me: "I don't believe this." Nurse: "While we take care of her why don't you go look in on your daughter." Me: "Where is she?"

Nurse: "As a precaution she was taken to the prenatal intensive care ward." Me: "Oh my God." Nurse: "Don't worry, your insurance covers this." It was odd but at this moment I was reminded of a joke I'd been telling for years. It was about a man who goes to the hospital to find out his baby has been born deformed. When they hand him the kid he sees that it's just a 2 foot long eyeball in a diaper.The guy shrieks "My God what could be worse?" And the Doctor says "He's blind." When I entered the prenatal intensive care ward that joke lost a little of it's edge. I found my daughter in the corner, they were still working on her, she was bawling her head off. The nurses told me they couldn't believe how tall she was and that they were sure she was going to be all right once the observation period was over. I looked at her, got my first clear look at her then and- I still don't have the words to convey what I felt. Let's just say a lot of things that had once seemed pretty damn important to me stopped having any meaning whatsoever.My wife's parents showed up a little while later and were as smitten as I was. None of us, family member or nurse could get her to stop caterwauling.Until my wife showed up of course. They wheeled her in on a gurney, she was exhausted and tearful and I'm not sure but I think my little girl started to quiet down at the very sound of her voice. Afterwards they rolled my wife to her room and put my child in a crib festooned with monitors. My In Laws walked me to my car. Father In Law: "Well everything turned out all right." Mother In Law: "Such a beautiful baby. You'll make a wonderful father." Father In Law: "But I think one child is enough. This nearly kill your

wife." Me: "Well we hadn't made any plans one way or the other and this one was kind of a surprise-" Mother In Law: "Look. You put my daughter through this again and we'll kill you." Father In Law: "Kill you real real-" Me: "I get the picture!" I came home to a dark apartment and frantic cats. I fed the cats and noticed the lovebird eyeing me. I didn't even realize I was crying again until that moment. Bernice: "PO-tweet?" Me: "Hey there little bird. It's been quite a day hasn't it? Come on out. Perch on my finger like you used to." Bernice: "PO-tweet?" Me: "Yeah she had the baby and it was just like I imagined and nothing like I imagined. Shit I never even thought I'd get married. Now this is the first time my wife and I have been apart in years. I don't even know if I'll be able to sleep." Bernice: "PO-tweet." Me: "You know I forgot to ask if the found my wife's kidney. What more could go wrong today?" Bernice: "PO-tweet." Me: "Go on then. You know you want to." Bernice: "PO-tweet!"

Me: "MY NIPPLE!!!!!!!!!" (Back to the rpg stuff next week I promise!)

RPG.NET rant #9 Never Leave Your Nads Behind originally posted to RPG.net on 10-12-2002 10:53 PM: WARNING THE FOLLOWING MAY OFFEND OWNERS OF NADS, HEAVY DRINKERS, HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP AND ANYONE THAT EVER OWNED A COPY OF LORDS OF CREATION. Allow me to set the stage for you. Have you ever seen the cartoon Beauty and The Beast? Remember the Beast's library with shelf after shelf of books? Well, imagine that place but instead of books there's nothing but shelf after shelf of pornography. That is what Deviant Boy's apartment was like. Of course now that he was living with his girlfriend, Asenath Summerisle, so I expected some changes. The game he had planned to run was LORDS OF CREATION, it seemed that it was a rite of passage in Albany. Everyone had to try and run the game at least once. El Disgusto had refused to come claiming that being near Asenath's misshapen arm made him all queasy. This from a man that eats frozen fishsticks out of the box. So it was just me, Psycho Dave, the Amazing Boozehound and Weasly CrusherAsenath would be playing with us as well. Once again I had assumed a

woman's touch would change the tone of the games we were playing. I envisioned a game where innocent halflings were not set on fire and used as shields.

Deviant Boy: "You guys are late." Me: "That's because someone insisted on making mixed drinks while I drove." The Amazing Boozehound: "I can't game without Harvey Wallbanger!" Weasly Crusher: "Well at least your car is disinfected." Me: "My car was never infected." Psycho Dave: "Hey I just noticed you have curtains." Deviant Boy: "And plants." Me: "Doesn't your sweetheart mind all this smut you have lying around?" Deviant Boy: "My lady is very liberal minded. Very liberal minded."

At that moment Asenath stepped into the living room, if I haven't said it before let me say it now that she was a very pretty girl- flipper arm or not. Still though, pretty girl or not, the outfit she wore was a bit much. It was like a Hentai fashion nightmare, part schoolgirl outfit, part leatherwear.

Asenath: "Are we ready to game?" Me: "We all rolled up characters beforehand."

The Amazing Boozehound: "I made margaritas!" Weasly Crusher: "I can't believe we're playing this game again." Deviant Boy: "Well this time it will be different." Me: "Different does not mean better." Asenath: "Well the system looks interesting, I like how you can go from being a total weakling to a god." The Amazing Boozehound: "We don't usually get that far. Usually El Disgusto does something to wreck the game." Weasly Crusher: "I'm kind of glad he isn't here." Psycho Dave: "So Asenath, what other systems have you played?" Asenath: "Well I've played D&D, CHILL, a little ROBOTECH and I love VAMPIRE THE MASQUERADE." Me: "I've been trying to get these guys to try that game out." Psycho Dave: "I will never ever play that game." Asenath: "Why not?" Psycho Dave: "It's a big rip-off, none of the stuff in that rulebook is original." Deviant Boy: "Is this an Anne Rice thing? Anne Rice didn't create the vampire genre." Psycho Dave: "It's not an Anne Rice thing." Me: "Then who are they ripping off?"

Psycho Dave: "GILIGAN'S ISLAND." The Amazing Boozehound: "Anne Rice ripped off GILLIGAN'S ISLAND?" Weasly Crusher: "What are you talking about?" Psycho Dave: "Look it's so obvious that VAMPIRE rips off GILIGAN'S ISLAND that most stupid people don't notice it. Let me explain. OK first there are the clans; the Ventrue is based on Mr. Howell, the Nosferatu his wife Lovey, Ginger is the Toreador, Mary-Ann is the Gangrel, the Professor is the Tremere, Skipper is the Brujah and of course Gilligan is a Malkavian. The Island that traps them and protects them is the Masquerade. See? It's a total rip-off!" Asenath: "Uhhhhh....." Me: "That's almost as bad as his 'Teletubbies Ripped off Call of Cthulhu' rant."

After that the game began. It was a simple premise really we were college students on a cross country road trip. Deviant Boy let us roleplay for an hour or so, letting us get used to each other and our characters. Asenath wasn't bad at all as a role player, the two things I found unnerving about her was that she never seemed to blink and that she was pretty much making out with the GM all the while we played.

Deviant Boy: "Ok you're running low on gas, there is a filling station up ahead." The Amazing Boozehound: "Good I gotta pee." Deviant Boy: "Great roleplaying."

The Amazing Boozehound: "No I mean I really gotta pee, where is your facility?" Asenath: "Down the hall, the bathroom door has an autographed poster of Christy Canyon on it." Weasly Crusher: "Who's Christy Canyon? Is she a superhero?" Deviant Boy: "Kinda." Asenath: "Well since my character's driving I'll pull into the filling station and start gassing up." Me: "My character gets out of the car to stretch his legs." Psycho Dave: "My character gets out of the car, locks himself in the men's room and cradles the femur bone he carries with him for luck." Me: "Wow." Weasly Crusher: "My character goes and looks around." The Amazing Boozehound: "I'm back what did I miss?" Deviant Boy: "You're just in time for the meteor crash." Weasly Crusher: "That's funny it sounded like you said a meteor was going to crash into the gas station." Deviant Boy: "Roll to dodge."

Needless to say no one dodged the meteor, or the subsequent fireball. I began to wonder if this wasn't some kind of revenge for the 'ninja motorcycle' incident. Deviant Boy excused himself to go and get us some refreshments. He took his game notes with him.

The Amazing Boozehound: "I'm all out of vodka. Who's been drinking my vodka?" Weasly Crusher: "You." Psycho Dave: "Soon as I find out how much damage I took I'm gonna find out who threw a meteor at me and fuck them up." Me: "Dream that little dream." Asenath: "This is so much fun. It so great to be playing with you guys after all the stories I've heard." Me: "If you'd heard all the stories about us you wouldn't be playing." Asenath: "You're funny! It's hard to believe you haven't had a date in four years."

One of the great things about being a writer is your can revisit those moments when you were struck speechless and finally have some good comebacks. Sadly I still don't have the slightest idea what to say after a slam like that. Thankfully Asenath excused herself to go see what was taking Deviant Boy so long with the popcorn. When the returned with sodas and snacks they were both out of breath and their skin was flushed.

Deviant Boy: "Ok now where were we?" The Amazing Boozehound: "We all died." Deviant Boy: "No you didn't. As I said there is a blinding flash and then each of you wakes up in a separate location. Boozehound, you wake up in a dark container, feeling groggy and achy."

The Amazing Boozehound: "I hear you." Deviant Boy: "What do you want to do?" The Amazing Boozehound: "I try to escape." Deviant Boy: "Make a roll for it." The Amazing Boozehound: "I knew I forgot something! I'll be right back."

We watched him stagger out the door to my car. I hadn't left the doors unlocked so I was sure he would be back soon. With him gone Deviant Boy turned his attention to Weasly Crusher.

Deviant Boy: "Ok Weasly you wake up, but you can't move. A night light is shining directly in your eyes." Weasly Crusher: "Can I speak?" Deviant Boy: "No." Weasly Crusher: "Can I see who's doing this to me?" Deviant Boy: "You notice that these figures are very vague and nondescript. They're humanoid yet alien. They're short but tall, thin but fat. Perhaps your character would notice more if he weren't blinded by pain." Weasly Crusher: "Pain?" Deviant Boy: "They are using some kind of laser device to sheer off your body hair and genitals." Weasly Crusher: "WHAT? Am I bleeding to death?"

Deviant Boy: "No the wounds are oddly bloodless." Weasly Crusher: "Can't I do anything? Can't I say anything?" Deviant Boy: "No you are helpless as you see them put your hair and reproductive parts into a plastic bag and vacuum seal it?" Weasly Crusher: "They put my NADS in a BAGGIE?" Deviant Boy: "When this is done they leave the room. They speak of something that sounds a bit like a coffee break but not quite." Weasly Crusher: "And they just leave me there all shivering and nadless?" Deviant Boy: "That they do. Slowly your character begins to regain movement. He manages to fling his body off the operating table." Weasly Crusher: "Can I figure out how all this stuff works? Deviant Boy: "No it's in a vague alien language." Weasly Crusher: "Then I grab my nads and run." Deviant Boy: "Meanwhile, Psycho Dave your character wakes up in a four poster bed covered with silken quilts." Psycho Dave: "I didn't think they made silken quilts." Deviant Boy: "All the more reason to suspect alien involvement." Psycho Dave: "My character gets out of bed and looks around the room." Deviant Boy: "Ok your character swings his stubby legs out of the bed and hops down to the floor. You notice that everything seems smaller."

Psycho Dave: "Where is my character's femur bone? His garrote? His bag of jelly babies?" Deviant Boy: "All you have is the blue sailor suit you're wearing." Psycho Dave: "Wait a minute. I've been turned into boy in a sailor suit?" Deviant Boy: "Yes." Me: "What kind of game is this?" Asenath: "Give it a chance guys." Weasly Crusher: "What about nads? Does he have his nads?" Deviant Boy: "Yes. The child's portion but yes." Weasly Crusher: "Damnit!" Psycho Dave: "I am not wearing a sailor suit damn you! I rip off the sailor suit and go to the closet." Deviant Boy: "You dozens of tiny blue sailor suits hanging there waiting for you." Psycho Dave: "Fine I walk naked out of the room and ask who I have to piss on to get a trenchcoat and a jockstrap." Deviant Boy: "All right but before we see what happens let's switch over to Ab3." Weasly Crusher: "What about my nads?" Deviant Boy: "Ab3 your character awakens to the scent of manure."

Me: "Well I suppose it could be worse." Deviant Boy: "Looking down at yourself you can see that your body now looks like this."

At this point Deviant Boy passed around a copy of SPANKING LESBIANS magazine and pointed to a particular model. It was this moment that gave me one of my greatest gaming vows-never play in a rpg run by someone that considers HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP a love story.

Me: "So I'm a girl." Psycho Dave: "I've been saying that for years." Me: "Hey!" Weasly Crusher: "He's not just a girl, he's a hottie. I'd push my grandma down the stairs for a chance with a hottie like him." Me: "I hope you have cab fare home Romeo." Deviant Boy: "Your character looks out the windows and sees that she'sMe: "He's-" Deviant Boy: "-in a cabin on an alien world. Twin suns blaze over the mountains of dung and machinery that surround you." Me: "So let me recap. My character has had his-" Deviant Boy: "Her-" Me: "gender changed and is now being held prisoner on an alien

manure farm?" Deviant Boy: "Maybe not a prisoner, as your character looks down over the supple curves of her body she sees a wedding ring on her elegantly manicured finger." Me: "Check please!" Deviant Boy: "Now my dear we turn our attention to you." Asenath: "Uh-oh." Deviant Boy: "Your character wakes up lying on a glowing white slab, she is bathed in warmth. Tall, angelic like beings dote on you." Asenath: "Can I move?" Deviant Boy: "Your character sits up and the beings waiting on you smile and they begin to whisper to you with their minds. They call you 'The Chosen One'."

The plot fell into place fairly quickly. Aliens from a nondescript dimension had kidnapped us using a teleporting meteor bomb. These aliens used human slave labor for all their most disgusting attacks, these aliens also found human women to be the most desirable in the galaxy. The only problem was that the teleporting meteor bombs were 99.98% fatal to women, so these aliens decided that the best course of action was to turn select human males into females. This was why my character was now sporting killer gams and Weasly Crusher was a hairless gelding. Psycho Dave's character had been regressed to childhood because human children were popular pets. Because Asenath's character had survived the teleporting meteor bomb she had been taken in by a cadre of space angels opposed to

the vaguely alien slavery. They told her that she was the 'Chosen One' and began preparing her to free the human captives.

Deviant Boy: "...and then they give you a sword fueled with stellar energy. The scabbard fits neatly onto your winged space angel armor. As you walk through the space cathedral to your spaceship each of the angel bows to you and gives you a mystical talisman." Asenath: "This is SO cool honey." Me: "Uh, I don't mean to complain but it's been an hour..." Deviant Boy: "Oh I'm sorry. Where did we leave your character Ab3?" Me: "Uh, my honeymoon?" Deviant Boy: "Ah yes. Your husband locks the door behind him and undresses, his crowded groin pulses wantonly." Me: "My character jumps out the window." Deviant Boy: "The moat of raw sewage breaks your fall." Psycho Dave: "Taste the adventure Ab3!" Me: "You wanna taste blood?" Asenath: "Will my character be able to bring her telepathic rottweilers with her into space?" Deviant Boy: "Of course." Weasly Crusher: "Speaking of dogs, has my character eluded his captors?" Deviant Boy: "You can still hear the space bloodhounds barking, they

seem to be getting closer. Don't forget you are at the edge of a cliff." Weasly Crusher: "Ok I climb down the cliff face." Deviant Boy: "There will be significant penalties for doing it one handed." Weasly Crusher: "But it's just a little baggie!" Deviant Boy: "Sorry." Weasly Crusher: "Fine, I stuff my nads into my mouth and start climbing." Me: "There's a mental image that will haunt me on my deathbed." Asenath: "My ship takes the lead and I lead the space angel fleet to the vague dimension!" Psycho Dave: "I tear off my sailor suit and try to escape." (Much dice rolling and cursing later) Deviant Boy: "Once again the headmaster catches you and gives your bottom a vicious spanking." Weasly Crusher: "I wish El Disgusto was here. He would have ruined the game by now." Me: "Hey, where is the Amazing Boozehound?"

At this moment we saw the flashing lights. We all ran outside, some of us eager to leave the game, some of us disappointed. We found the Amazing Boozehound sitting in the back of a police car- he was pasty and covered with dirt and vomit. He kept pressing his face against the police car window and reciting dialogue from STAR TREK movies.

Policeman 1: "Near as we can figure he wandered off got lost and showed up at the Denny's over on Wolf Road." Policeman 2: "He was hallucinating he kept running through the hedges around the restaurant shouting 'Look at me I'm a ranger!'" The Amazing Boozehound: "... I never took the Kobayashi Maru test. What did you think of my solution?" Me: "Our friend may have had a bit too much to drink tonight and-" Psycho Dave: "Hmm boy I sure do love bacon sandwiches!" Weasly Crusher: "Cut it out!" Me: "And we'll bring him home and let him sleep it off if you will let us." Psycho Dave: "Hmmmm bacon AND lettuce." Weasly Crusher: "Are you out of your mind?" Policeman 1: "I don't know he was acting kind of odd, and he had these weird shaped dice." Policeman 2: "The kind of dice associated with the occult." Deviant Boy: "No. We were just playing a role playing game." Policeman 1: "I've heard about those. Aren't those the kinds of games serial killers play?" Psycho Dave: "No that's Candyland." Weasly Crusher: "Don't do that!"

The Amazing Boozehound: "...You have been and always shall be- my friend." Policeman 1: "I don't know a lot about these roll-games. Can you explain to me what the game you were playing was about?" Me: "Maybe you should just arrest us now."

Another narrow escape, another failed campaign. I wasn't even upset that Deviant Boy's game had been nothing more than an ego stroke for his sweetheart, that she got to play hero while the rest of us swam through raw sewage while being chased by vaguely alien sex slavers. When on the Amazing Boozehound threw up in my car on the ride home-then I was angry.

RPG.NET rant #10 Death By Thumbs

originally posted to RPG.net on 10-19-2002 07:17 PM: WARNING THE FOLLOWING MAY OFFEND FANS OF D&D, PEOPLE FOR THE ETHICAL TREATMENT OF KOBOLDS, GARY GYGAX, STEVE JACKSON OR MORD-SITHS. Our campaigns tended to explode right there on the launching pad, they littered our past the way that failed Gene Roddenberry pilots used to litter Saturday afternoon cable television in the 1980s. Sometimes however a game would endure, they would never last long but as far as I was concerned any campaign that lasted longer than 2 sessions was a victory. So I'm sure you can appreciate my surprise when I found the D&D game I was running reached its second month.

We waited in El Digusto's basement for the last of our group to arrive. Me: "Deviant Boy and Asenath should have been here twenty minutes ago." El Disgusto: "So let's start without them. What do we need a Wizard and a Cleric for? I'm a Ninja!" Weasly Crusher: "I don't like Asenath. I don't think she respects him." Psycho Dave: "What do you mean?" Weasly Crusher: "Remember that one time I role played a female character and my character hooked up with Deviant Boy's character? I was a way better girlfriend to him in game then she is in real life." Ol' Yellowbelly: "Wow." Weasly Crusher: "Tell me I'm wrong." Me: "I couldn't even begin to tell you how wrong what you just said is." Psycho Dave: "Well that little lady has one thing you never will Weasly." Weasly Crusher: "What's that?" Psycho Dave: "A vagina." Ol' Yellowbelly: "Girls can be scary. You don't know how lucky you are to be celibate Ab3." Me (Through gritted teeth): "I am not celibate on PURPOSE." Psycho Dave: "You're stuck in the Gygax Corollary you poor bastard."

Me: "The Gygax Corollary? What the Hell is that?" Psycho Dave: "The Gygax Corollary states that every time a role player's character gets laid it delays the player of that character getting laid by d100 weeks." Me: "What?" Ol' Yellowbelly: "Who rolls the d100?" El Disgusto: "Does the rule apply to Canadian women?" Psycho Dave: "To ask questions like that is to risk madness." Weasly Crusher: "I thought that was the Curse of Steve Jackson."

Finally Asenath and Deviant Boy showed up and we started playing. They'd spent weeks trying to find the location of the Lost Dungeon of Nasty Doom, then they'd spent another week or two trying to get the money and equipment to finance the expedition. Me: "The entrance to the lost Dungeon of Nasty Doom is easily visible because of all the bones of dead adventurers piled outside." Ol' Yellowbelly: "I rummage through the corpses for treasure." El Disgusto: "My ninja does eight backflips to the dungeon entrance and then blends in with the shadows." Me: "Its the middle of the afternoon." El Disgusto: "There are shadows in the afternoon! Don't you know anything?" Weasly Crusher: "My fighter-illusionist-bard draws his weapon and makes his way to the dungeon entrance."

Asenath: "My cleric freshens up her make up and then goes to join him." El Disgusto: "I still think its bogus that your cleric wears fishnet stockings, make-up and a leather mini skirt. This is supposed to be D&D not some wierd-ass bondage fantasy!" Asenath: "Obviously you've never read WIZARD'S FIRST RULE." Psycho Dave: "My Anti-Paladin pulls the shrunken heads of his enemies from his bad of holding and whispers to them." Deviant Boy: "My wizard draws his Wand of Wonder. Cha-Chink!!"

Quick note about that. Two sessions earlier Deviant Boy's wizard had found a Wand of Wonder, it was now his magic item of choice. For some reason he believed that a Wand of Wonder made the exact same sound as a shotgun chambering a round. Me: "Yellowbelly, you find that the bones have been picked clean. Sorry. The rest of you secure the entrance to the dungeon." El Disgusto: "Right let's set up out marching order and make our way the chamber with the Gemstone of MacGuffin." Ol' Yellowbelly: "But to do that we have to go through the Chamber of Satanic Bats." El Disgusto: "What is it with you? Does every character you play have to be soaked in his own urine?" Psycho Dave: "I wouldn't talk about urine Mountain Dew boy." El Disgusto: "Three words for you Mister Man... Stick. Of. Pain."

Psycho Dave: "Two additional words for you... Anal. Insertion." Me: "All right, can I have marching order please?" Psycho Dave: "My character takes point." Ol' Yellowbelly: "I stay in back." Psycho Dave: "You're a fighter, fighters don't stay in back." Ol' Yellowbelly: "What if were attacked from behind then?" Weasly Crusher: "I take second in marching order. My character gets out his lute and strums a hopeful tune. Do I get extra XP for not actually singing?" Me: "God yes." Deviant Boy: "I go next, my Wand of Wonder is primed." Asenath: "I'll say it is." Me: "We are not going there." Asenath: "But can I say one thing? Why are we going to get this Gem? It has no value to any of us." El Disgusto: "The guy that gave us the cash to finance this expedition wants it." Asenath: "Screw him. I say we go and find the Blade of Gory Cleaving. Everyone knows it's in the dungeon here." El Disgusto: "I say we go for the Gemstone of MacGuffin and whatever the ninja says goes." Weasly Crusher: "Why should we let you boss us around?"

El Disgusto: "To explain why my ninja kills Weasly's character with his thumbs." (A great rolling of dice, an even greater gnashing of teeth) Weasly Crusher: "You killed my character..." El Disgusto: "Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" Weasly Crusher: "...with your thumbs." El Disgusto: "Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" Me: "Stop doing impressions of the Fonz. It's just mean." El Disgusto: "Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" Weasly Crusher: "Can anyone resurrect my character?" Asenath: "Sorry, I can't quite do that yet." El Disgusto: "Then I guess your body will decaAyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" Weasly Crusher: "Quit it!" El Disgusto: "Aaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" Me: "Look I mean it Disgusto." El Disgusto: "Sorry got a little carried away there." Me: "Damn right you did." El Disgusto: "But I give his character's death two big thumbs up! AAYYYYYYYYY!"

His eyes brimming with tears Weasly Crusher ran from the gaming table. While there is no dignified way to run crying from the gaming table, Weasly's was particularly ignominious because on the way out he tripped over El Disgusto's dog Lamont.

Deviant Boy: "Damn is that dog still alive?" El Disgusto: "Yeah, my parents spent what was going to be my college money and operations for it." Ol' Yellowbelly: "Owch!" El Disgusto: "Harvard was a stupid school anyway, no gaming scene at all." Me: "So I'll just remove Weasly's character from the marching order." Ol' Yellowbelly: "Remove me too. My character will stay behind and guard the fighter-illusionist-bard corpse." Me: "What?" Ol' Yellowbelly: "Well someone's got to. This is good role-playing." Me: "So you as a player are just going to sit there, while we game for a few hours so your character can sit Shiva over another character he barely spoke to." Ol' Yellowbelly: "We said good morning." Psycho Dave: "Technically no one spoke to Weasly's character all that much."

Somehow I managed to get four of the five characters into the

Dungeon, that was a victory I suppose. But after the first few combats things started to fall apart.

El Disgusto: "I say 'Eat Ninja Death' as I kill the last Kobold." Me: "Well congrats. Not a single Kobold baby remains alive." Psycho Dave: "The Dark Gods will be pleased." Asenath: "Thank God I'm Chaotic Neutral." Deviant Boy: "We should have kept one alive so we could ask them where the Blade of Gory Cleaving is." El Disgusto: "We aren't here for the damn blade we are here for the Gemstone of MacGuffin. Don't make me whip my thumbs out!" Deviant Boy: "I've had enough of this. My wizard readies his Wand of Wonder- Cha-chink - and heads out on his own." Me: "Excuse me?" Deviant Boy: "I'm Eighth Level, I don't need them." Asenath: "Sounds good. I follow the wizard and his big wand." Me: "Stop going there!" Psycho Dave: "These guys are soft. In head for the next room in the dungeon." El Disgusto: "Fine! I make my way for the Gemstone." Me: "Whatever happened to party loyalty?"

Ol' Yellowbelly: "I loot the fighter-illusionist-bard's body."

Like all great bands the party of adventurers had broken up. Perhaps it was the loss of Weasly, their collective loathing of his character may have been the spackle that kept the party from cracking. Perhaps it was because they were no longer first level character fighting to keep from being killed my orcs, molds and zombie cows.

Me: "OK you walk into the room and see a group of Hobgoblins sharpening their weapons." Psycho Dave: "I flash my talisman of the Dark Gods and order them to bow down to the might of Azathoth." Me: "They bow before you." Psycho Dave: "Then I behead them." Me: "Meanwhile our intrepid duo are still making their way through the dungeon. You find an oak door blocking your way." Deviant Boy: "I tell the cleric to stand back and I give the door a full blast with the Wand of Wonder. Cha-Chink!" (dice are rolled) Me: "A stream of butterflies hits the door." Asenath: "I check to see if the door is locked." Me: "It isn't." Deviant Boy: "We head inside."

Me: "And El Disgusto, your ninja finds the dreaded Chamber of Satanic Bats." El Disgusto: "I'm skulking do you hear me? Skulking!" Me: "Well the bats haven't noticed you, they appear to be sleeping." El Disgusto: "I creep silently into the chamber." Me: "When you do your shoe sinks about seven inches into cold bat guano." Asenath: "Ewwwww!" Me: "Psycho Dave, what does your character do next?" Psycho Dave: "I head to the next room and order what ever I find there to bow down to me." Me: "The Umber Hulk you find does not seem very impressed." Psycho Dave: "I draw my mighty blade 'Fuckshaker' and attack!" (dice are rolled) Me: "A natural one, you missed." Psycho Dave: "A fumble. Get the edged weapons fumble table." Me: "I'm not using Crit or Fumble tables." Psycho Dave: "Here use mine." Me: "You carry copies of the Arduin Grimmores around with you?" Psycho Dave: "I always want to be prepared in case I'm someplace and a role-playing game breaks out. Lets roll that fumble."

Me: "OK roll away." (Rolls are away) Me: "You've beheaded yourself." Psycho Dave: "Now the head lives for a few seconds after its removed from the body, can I call upon my god?" Me: "No. Now turning to our wizard and cleric, make saving throws versus magic." (fingers are unlaced so dice may be rolled) Deviant Boy: "Failed it. Asenath: "Same here." Me: "The doorway to the room containing the Blade of Gory Cleaving has a teleport trap on it. Both of you find yourselves in the center of a Gelatinous Cube." Asenath: "Oh." Deviant Boy: "Well at least we're together." Me: "And lastly you El Disgusto. What does your ninja do?" El Disgusto: "No way is my ninja going through that crap." Me: "So you're leaving?" El Disgusto: "No! You think I'm stupid? Bat guano is highly flammable. I throw my torch into the chamber." Me: "Uhm, you do realize that this is a sixty square foot chamber that

has about half a foot of bat guano." El Disgusto: "You can't stand that I've outwitted you can you? I throw in my torch." Me: "Fine. The resulting explosion kills your character instantly." El Disgusto: "But I'm a ninja!" Me: "The explosion also causes the Dungeon of Nasty Doom to collapse like a house of cards. Killing everything within it." Ol' Yellowbelly: "I knew it! I knew it! I'm alive. I'm alive!" Me: "Your character only lives a few seconds longer because when the dungeon collapses it creates a giant sinkhole that swallows up everything within the surrounding half mile." Ol' Yellowbelly: "That sucks." Psycho Dave: "Was Azathoth pleased?" Deviant Boy: "What a waste of our time." Asenath: "We didn't accomplish anything." Me: "Well, I hope you've all learned a valuable lesson here." El Disgusto: "Yeah, never let Ab3 run the game."

RPG.NET rant #11 Night Of The Caped Cadavers originally posted to RPG.net on 10-26-2002 at 08:58 PM WARNING THE FOLLOWING MAY OFFEND CERTAIN PEOPLE WHO HAVE

FEELINGS ABOUT CERTAIN THINGS I love super hero role playing games as much as the next pastyskinned gamer guy, I've tried all the systems from SuperHero 2044 to Godlike. Psycho Dave was a big fan of the Marvel Super Heroes game and when he got his hands on the ULTIMATE POWERS book he felt that he was finally ready to run what he called his 'Vision for the Marvel Universe'.Sadly I had forgotten that the majority of Psycho Dave's visions were caused by drinking cleaning products. There was just the three of us playing, Cheating Bastard, El Disgusto and myself. We were all over at Psycho Dave's, he didn't have a lot of furniture so we sat on the bare living room floor. I couldn't help but noticed the photograph signed by William Shatner- it said 'Dear Dave, Stop following me!'

Cheating Bastard: "...and that's how Biff Bam got thrown out of the Gen Con tournament." El Disgusto: "He was so robbed." Me: "Robbed? He was being offensive." El Disgusto: "Here goes Mister Politically Correct!" Me: "He said that Homosexuals should show up when you cast a DETECT EVIL spell. Does that Whack-A-Mole game you use for a brain register what that means?" Cheating Bastard: "Well he may have a point, I mean after all that kind of behavior goes against cultural norms." Me: "So it's OK to hack and slash non human races but it's evil for people for the same sex to fall in love?" El Disgusto: "Works for me."

Psycho Dave: "Except for chicks. It's OK for chicks to make out." Cheating Bastard: "As long as they're hot." Me: "You guys need to grow up and realize there is a real world out there, with real people with real feelings." El Disgusto: "Just a damn minute here. Ab3... have you changed teams? Psycho Dave: "Has he even picked a team?" Me: "I did not change teams!" Psycho Dave: "See he's still gay." Me: "If you numbskulls recall, I had a fiancee." Cheating Bastard: "Four years ago." Psycho Dave: "Deviant Boy's girlfriend knows your Ex-Ab3 and she has some stories to tell." El Disgusto: "Deviant Boy's girlfriend creeps me out. That flipper arm! Brrrrr!" Me: "Can we just get started?" El Disgusto: "I have a character with claws, combat skills and a mutant healing factor... I call him 'The Ninja Claw'!" Cheating Bastard: "I rolled up an awesome character! He has Prehensile Hair and Water Breathing! I call him 'Kid Cthulhu'!" Me: "I have a super hero with flight, super strength and armor skin. I call him Captain Protector."

El Disgusto: "I call him Captain Lame." Me: "Does it bother you that the neighbors send your Mom sympathy cards on your birthday?" Psycho Dave: "OK you are all super heroes in the Mighty Marvel Tradition. This is the Marvel Universe you know except that Spiderman, the Avengers, Daredevil and the X-Men are all dead." El Disgusto: "Wussies." Psycho Dave: "Villains run wild in the streets, committing acts of villainy, most of them worship Azathoth." Me: "So what you meant by your vision of the Marvel Universe is that it's nothing even remotely like the Marvel Universe." Psycho Dave: "You can leave if you want you know. I'm sure you can find something a little less complex and depressing to play." Me: "Where am I going to find a game of KULT at this hour?" El Disgusto: "Are we on patrol or did I put on my green ninja spandex for nothing?" Me: "So this is what it's like to fail a Sanity Roll in real life." Psycho Dave: "OK you dorks are out on patrol. People spit at you and throw garbage at you as you pass." Cheating Bastard: "Since he is a mutant my character is filled with angst." El Disgusto: "I'm sure none of these scum actually see my character. He is a ninja after all."

Me: "He's a ninja in green spandex." El Disgusto: "The deadliest kind." Psycho Dave: "OK you guys see a crack deal going down in a nearby alley." Me: "Not exactly the most auspicious debut but this is a start." Cheating Bastard: "Besides crackheads should be easy to beat!" El Disgusto: "We attack!" (Dice are rolled, charts are consulted) Psycho Dave: "The Ninja Claw attacks first, he kills the crackhead easily and looses all karma." El Disgusto: "Damnnit! I forgot about that!" Cheating Bastard: "I go after the dealer! Once he's down I loot his pockets." Me: "What kind of a super hero are you?" El Disgusto: "The manly kind." Me: "Your character's wearing green spandex!" Psycho Dave: "You realize only too late that the crack dealer wearing armor and a green cape. He shouts to you 'Von Doom is angry that you have disrupted his crack transaction! Von Doom will have bloody vengeance!'" Cheating Bastard: "THE Dr. Doom? What an honor!" El Disgusto: "Save me a piece of him! My ninja pops his claws and

goes at him Lee van Cleef-style!" Me: "Why is Dr. Doom selling crack?" Psycho Dave: "Dr. Doom says 'Von Doom must sell crack because that rat bastard Magneto has cornered the market on 'Hos!' Then he attacks!" (A short, one sided battle later) Psycho Dave: "And as a warning to others Dr. Doom desecrates your corpses and throws them into the fountain in Central Park." Me: "I'm speechless." El Disgusto: "If only my green spandex had been flame retardant." Cheating Bastard: "Can we roll up new characters and try a different scenario?" Psycho Dave: "Why not? The night is young."

We spent the next hour or so rolling up new characters.

(Roll. Roll. Consult.) Me: "Ice powers! Awesome!" El Disgusto: "Yeah will this time try to be a little more of a team player and help us." Me: "Me? You were the one that tried to run away." El Disgusto: "I was going to get more ninja supplies. I was gonna be right back."

Cheating Bastard: "So Ab3, your fiancee- sorry I mean you ex-fiancee is getting married in a week. Did you know that?" Me: "Yes. Can we please talk about anything else?" Psycho Dave: "How about we talk about that lameass TOON game you tried to run?" Me: "The game wasn't lame, the players just didn't get it." El Disgusto: "Oh yeah blame us like the little bitch you are." Me: "Look we were supposed to be playing a role-playing game of cartoon humor. The characters they made sabotaged the whole thing. Deviant Boy's character was Fritz the Cat, Asenath made the halfnaked sword chick from Heavy Metal, Weasly Crusher made a Veritech Fighter and El Disgusto made... a ninja." El Disgusto: "A cartoon ninja." Psycho Dave: "Well they were all cartoon characters. I don't see what the big deal is." M Me: "Oh I give up."

The groups tastes in games were pretty simple, serious games were mocked and humorous games were treated seriously. It made for some very cathartic games of PARANOIA but not much else.Finally we got our characters created and were ready to try our luck again.

Me: "I have a mutant with control over ice cold and darkness. I call him Jack Frost! He wears a dark trenchcoat and a fedora!" Cheating Bastard: "Believe me no one cares. I have a mutant with Damage Resistance, Morphing and Stretching. In honor of Ab3's latest

failed campaign I call him Toon!" El Disgusto: "My character has control of flame, a flame body and he can fly. I call him- The Ninja Torch!" Psycho Dave: "OK... I'm going to make everything a little easier for you guys now so you don't bitch and whine. Your superheroes are on patrol and you happen to notice a bank robbery going on." Me: "I charge in to the bank and shout 'Hold it right there lawbreakers!'" Cheating Bastard: "I shake my head and think what a loser." El Disgusto: "I fly in and start setting people on fire at random to distract the bank robbers." Psycho Dave: "The bank robber turns around. It's just some guys hold weird ray guns. They open fire on you." (Several die rolls and a shocked gasp later.) Me: "Let me get this straight. My character shit himself until he DIED?" Psycho Dave: "Many fear the awesome power of the Exlaxiactor Gun." (More die rolls, another shocked gasp) El Disgusto: "Well they're dead now. You've been avenged Jack Frost." Cheating Bastard: "Actually everyone in the bank is dead thanks to you. Even me." El Disgusto: "Well you shouldn't have talked back. The Ninja Torch flies outside and strikes a midair ninja pose!"

Psycho Dave: "And the terrified police open fire killing you." El Disgusto: "DAMNIT!" Me: "Why are you doing this?" Cheating Bastard: "Sheesh, don't get all wound up. We're all here to have fun." Psycho Dave: "I'm having fun." El Disgusto: "As long as Ab3's character dies first I'm having fun." Cheating Bastard: "Should we try again with another set of characters?" El Disgusto: "Sure." M Me: "Oh Sweet Lord..."

I know what your think I should have run, but I thought to myself, what were the chances of Psycho Dave clobbering three of our characters in one night. I mean sure you knew what was gonna happen just by looking at the title here, but I was young and optimistic.

Me: "Well this character is a mess." El Disgusto: "Is he based on your life?" Me: "He has X-ray Vision, he can turn into water and control water, he has an advanced sense of smell and can sense crimes being committed and teleport to them?" Psycho Dave: "What are you going to call him? Waterweird?"

Me: "Why not?" Cheating Bastard: "My character has super speed based powers. I'll call him the Bolt!" El Disgusto: "My character has the proportionate strength and abilities of an insect. I'll call him the Red Bee- he's a ninja!" Me: "You know maybe I'll bail out here guys. It's getting kind of light." Cheating Bastard: "Yeah your ex fiancee Talula said you had that problem starting late and finishing early" Me: "You know if you've got something to say just say it." Cheating Bastard: "I've just heard some stories about your first night with Talula." Me: "Yeah you've heard stories but do you want to hear the truth? What do you want to hear? Do you want to hear the story of two lonely people finding each other? Of two souls who found in each other, in one shining moment a way to shut out the world to shut out the pain. Do you want to hear how we were just talking one moment and then the next we were kissing? How the room seemed to spin and we fell into each other's arms. The way we punctuated our kisses with sweet whispers? Do you want to hear about they way our clothes fell away and we lost ourselves in a fog of animalistic passion?" Cheating Bastard: "I just want to hear how you didn't realize you were fucking your own beltloop." Me: "...oh that..."

There was a fifteen minute pause in the game because the other guys were helpless with laughter. They rolled on their backs like upended turtles. As an older and wiser man I realize now that I never had a

better moment to kill them.Eventually the game began again.

Me: "I use my danger teleportation powers to get us to the nuclear power plant." Cheating Bastard: "Can we see who has taken it hostage?" El Disgusto: "I kick randomly in case the villain is invisible." Psycho Dave: "And there you see before you the awesome shape of Megatron! He moves to attack." Me: "Megatron? From the Transformers?" El Disgusto: "No Megatron from the New Kids On The Block! What the Hell is wrong with you?" Cheating Bastard: "Yeah, get your mind outta your beltloop." Me: "Dave, I have a question. If my character really concentrates can he find someplace even more dangerous?" Psycho Dave: "Uhm, technically yes." Me: "I leave them to Megatron then. I'm sure they can handle it themselves." El Disgusto: "You what?" Cheating Bastard: "That's not very good role-playing." (Dice are rolled, a speedster and a ninja are vaporized.) El Disgusto: "Damnit! I had such plans for this character." Cheating Bastard: "Well at least now we can watch Ab3's character get

screwed worse than us." Psycho Dave: "Exactly. 'Waterweird' finds himself at a meeting of the Masters of Evil and the Wrecking Crew. They turn to you and begin cracking their knuckles." M Me: "My character shouts 'I have seen the light! Praise Azathoth.'"

It was a good plan but it didn't save my character. I decided to head home when Psycho Dave suggested we make another set of characters and try again. I decided to see if I could find a late night game of KULT someplace after all.

RPG.NET rant #12 Cannibals, Rednecks and Transgendered Astronauts

originally posted to RPG.net on 11-30-2002 at 08:36 PM WARNING THE FOLLOWING MAY OFFEND THE EASILY OFFENDED, FANS OF HIGHLANDER 2 AND PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT I WAS DEAD. I always loved CHILL, there was a kind of elegant simplicity to it that appealed to me. The problem was I could never seem to get a game going. This is an example of the kind of thing that always seemed to happen. We were in El Disgustos basement. I was going to be running the game- Psycho Dave, El Disgusto, Weasly Crusher and Blobert Smith w were playing.

Me: "Really? They're going to Gen Con?"

Psycho Dave: "Yeah Deviant Boy his pookie-pie are there right now." El Disgsto: "I don't think much of his taste in women but I gotta admit the man knows romance." Weasly Crusher: What more could you expect from someone that has memorized all the Gorean slave positions. Blobert Smith: "Bah! Romance! What is romance but a call to propagate the continuity of blood? And don't all lovers turn to dust in the end?" Weasly Crusher: "Didn't you used to be in A-V Club with us?" Blobert Smith: "In my youth I threaded many a projector. I walked among the students but did they ever see me?" Me: "Didn't you used to be a lot less Goth?" Psycho Dave: "And a lot less large?" Me: "Dave!" Psycho Dave: "Well look at him! He's huge! That's no gamer- it's a battle station!" Me: "I'm sorry about this Blobert, Dave thinks he's funny." Blobert Smith: "I am not insulted. I wear my girth as a badge of honor. You see the doctor's told me I was diabetic, they told me that if I did not change my dietary habits I would die." Weasly Crusher: "Wow." Blobert Smith: "But I ask you is life without the Nutty Buddy bar

truly living? I say to you no! Death or sweets? I say let Poppin' Fresh be my Grim Reaper." El Disgusto: "Testify brother!" Me: "Well you're living your dream I respect that kinda. Let's make characters shall we?"

It was fairly easy to coach them through character creation but when it came time to equip the characters Psycho Dave started to become skittish.

Psycho Dave: "What the Hell kind of a weapon's chart is this?" Me: "What do you mean?" Psycho Dave: "It's one chart, it covers all firearms damage! It's blasphemous. It's like Rolemaster gone retarded." Weasly Crusher: "It looks ok to me." Psycho Dave: "One chart for all kinds of firearms? One chart for revolvers and automags? One chart for rifles versus assault weapons? What about buckshot and armor piercing rounds?" Me: "Well the game doesn't get into that much detail." Psycho Dave: "Then how can you expect me to role play my character properly." El Disgusto: "This is one of Ab3's games. You play by sneering at the mind-numbing lameness."

Weasly Crusher: "Ouch." Blobert Smith: "Can we not accept the fact that we game because we are the floatsam and jetsam of society? That the very gravity of our personal pain has drawn us together?" Psycho Dave: "I think I liked you better when you spent all your time dubbing tapes of Mystery Science Theater on school equipment." Me: Lameness? You dare accuse me of lameness? El Disgusto: You ooze lameness. Me: Ok why dont you tell us why you hated my D&D campaign? El Disgusto: Because it was a stupid dungeon crawl. Me: Ok then. By the way what was the plot for your STAR FRONTIERS game? El Disgusto: Some guy you met in a bar on a space station wanted you to recover a lost device from a long- abandoned underground complex that had been overrun by mutants. Me: I see. Now what was the plot for you BOOT HILL game? El Disgsto: An old prospector met your characters in a saloon and asked you to help him get some gold from an old abandoned mine that had been overrun by Lovitar worshiping Apaches. Me: And lastly, what was the plot for your SHADOWRUN game? El Disgusto: An old wizard hired you guys to steal some data from an underground complex guarded by a dragon.

Me: And you hate dungeon crawls? El Disgusto: With a passion. Me: But you love irony. El Disgusto: Irony is for losers Ab3, losers like you. Weasly Crusher: Can my character be a vampire? Me: No you fight vampires in this game. Vampires are evil blood drinking menaces. Weasly Crusher: Well maybe I could play a vampire with a soul who is fighting evil because he is on a quest for redemption. Psycho Dave: That is without a doubt the most stupidest thing I have ever heard. Weasly Crusher: Ok then Ill just play an good cop with a bad attitude named Arnold Eastwood. Psycho Dave: Ill be playing a bounty hunter named Beauford Fett. El Disgusto: My character is a ninja. No one knows his real name, so you may call him... The Scourge. Blobert Smith: My character is a transgendered astronaut with something to prove. Me: interesting mix. Psycho Dave: In his spare time my character hunts and kills Starbucks employees.

Weasly Crusher: My character keeps the ashes of his dead partner in a snuff pouch around his neck. El Disgusto: My characters weapon of choice is an aluminum baseball bat he calls Justice. Blobert Smith: My character is on the run from the government b because he/she knows the moon landings were faked.

The game hadnt even begun and already I was rooting for the forces of darkness. In CHILL the player characters were all members of a super-secret monster battlin ghost-busting organization called S.A.V.E.. I decided to have them all inducted into the organization at the same time.

Me: Professor Kruthers welcomes you all to the organization and gives you each a lapel pin with the S.A.V.E. insignia on it. Weasly Crusher: Cool. El Disgusto: The Scourge pins his to his BARE NAKED FLESH! Blobert Smith: My character attaches hers/his to the crushed silk cravat she/he wears. Psycho Dave: I thrown mine across the room and tell Kruthers to go screw himself. Me: What? Psycho Dave: Beauford Fett works for no man. Me: But the premise of the game is that you all work for S.A.V.E..

Psycho Dave: Well I suppose that the Premise is more important than Free Will to you then? Me: I am fine with free will but this is like having a STAR TREK game and one of the players refusing to be in Starfleet. Weasly Crusher: Actually that happens a lot. Remember the last STAR TREK game? El Disgusto wanted to play a ninja. El Disgusto: How could Star Fleet not have ninjas? Its the only thing that keeps the Klingons from attacking in force. Psycho Dave: Look Ill be in the stupid monster club if itll stop you bitching and whining but I am not wearing some sissy ass magic pin. Me: Fine, fine. El Disgusto: Can I have his pin then?

I quickly wrapped up the debriefing and moved on to the players mission. They were to meet their contact in Atlanta, Georgia where we would investigate a series of cannibal murders of a decidedly s supernatural bent.

Weasly Crusher: While were on the plane I listen to a book on tape version of the Necronomicon. Me: No you do not. Psycho Dave: My character pees in the restroom sink. El Disgusto: I cant believe I let you use my bathroom.

Psycho Dave: Look whos talking bottle boy. Blobert Smith: My character contemplates throwing himself/herself out of the airplane as a way to combat the gnawing malaise that infects her/him. Me: Ok. Blobert Smith: But instead he/she just orders a second desert. Me: Im glad you made it through that little crisis. Now your characters get off the plane and your contact Brian Hayes is waiting for you. You spot the gentle-features African-American man easily by his tell-tale S.A.V.E. lapel pin. Weasly Crusher: I greet him with the secret handshake. Me: S.A.V.E. doesnt have a secret handshake. El Disgusto: I try to make sure none of the baggage inspectors notice my suitcase full of ninja gear. Blobert Smith: My character bats her/his eyes at Brian Hayes and then instantly loathes him/herself for doing so. Psycho Dave: Whoah. Wait a minute. Hold the phone. Me: What? Psycho Dave: A black guy? We have to work with a God damned black guy? Me: Hes an NPC, hes here to help your characters.

Psycho Dave: Help us what? Learn how to collect welfare? Blobert Smith: Sweet Pan-Fried Jesus! Whats wrong with you? El Disgusto: Do I find my luggage? Weasly Crusher: You know this isnt REDNECK: THE LYNCHING. Me: Why does this matter? Are you really going to make an issue out of this? Psycho Dave: Whats next? Dungeon delving with fluffy orcs? Weasly Crusher: Man I knew you were a racist and I knew you were crazy but I didnt think you were some kind of a crazy racist! El Disgusto: Hello! Luggage! Should I make a search roll? Blobert Smith: Do you not rage against the men of color because you hate yourself? Psycho Dave: Ah no. Me: Ok look. If it will make you happy Ill make Brian Hayes white. Psycho Dave: Too late! You already said he was black. Hes black- no do overs! Me: Oh for Christs sake El Disgusto: Where is my luggage? Me: It was sent to Los Angeles, all your luggage was sent to Los Angeles.

El Disgusto: Of course you realize this means war. Psycho Dave: See? Brian Hayes little homies probably stole them! Blobert Smith: Oh they might manhandle our suitcases but they will never lay claim to our souls. Me: S.A.V.E. will give you a modest stipend to get clothes and equipment. Weasly Crusher: Can I buy body armor with gold trim? Me: Brian Hayes drives you to a 5 star hotel, on the drive there he tells you about the strange case of the cannibal murders. He explains that each of the victims was seemingly swallowed by shadows and then their partial eaten bodies were found later in the park. A set of red sticky footprints were found leading from each of the bodies seemingly to nowhere. The footprints faded after twenty-four hours and could not be photographed. Each of the victims was seemingly swallowed by shadows and then dropped somewhere else. Psycho Dave: I jab a pen into Brian Hayes neck and shout, Maybe thats just what you want us to think! Did you even pay for this car? Weasly Crusher: What? El Disgusto: I roll down the window and ride on top of the car ninjastyle! Me: Brian Hayes asks Beauford if there is a problem. Psycho Dave: I tell him that Im watching him. Blobert Smith: I roll up the window so our ninja friend cant get back in.

Me: Anyway, Brian takes you to your hotel and helps you get settled in. he tells you that in a few hours he will take you to one of the murder scenes. Psycho Dave: Let me know if I have a chance to get this guy alone. Me: Why? Psycho Dave: Youll find out Mr. I-Get-Confused-By Charts. Blobert Smith: Once my character is alone in his room he/she puts on a sundress, a gorilla mask and a strap on and plays Russian Roulette. Me: I seem to saying this a lot today- why? Blobert Smith: Because shes/hes in PAIN! El Disgusto: I check my room for ninjas. Me: The room is completely ninja free. El Disgusto: How do you know when you didnt even roll? Me: There are no ninjas in the damn room! They must have put up one of those no-ninja pest strips.

A few hours later Brian Hayes came back to tell the PCs there had been another murder. This of course sent Psycho Dave into another round of accusations and attempted garrotings. Finally I got them moving again but things did slow down again when El Disgusto insisted on having his character climb down the walls of the hotel. Soon, the characters found themselves at a very fresh murder scene.

They took a moment to look over the gnawed on body and the large tar-like footprints.

Weasly Crusher: Uhm, why arent the police here yet? Blobert Smith: My character gazes down at the corpse and considers that perhaps in the end we are all selections on a cosmic deli tray. El Disgusto: Yeah why arent the police here? Me: Brian Hayes explains that- Psycho Dave: My character shouts Its a trap! and tackles the wily NPC. (A brief tussle later) Me: Ok. Brian Hayes puts the can of mace back into his jacket, Psycho Daves character is screaming and running around in circles. Psycho Dave: I doubt that. Me and Biff Bam used to mace each other all the time to stay manly. Im sure Beauford Fett is walking it off and biding his time. Me: Brian Hayes explains that the police arent here yet because they dont know about the murder yet. Psycho Dave ah-HA! Me: Brian Hayes goes on to explain that the reason he knew about this murder was because he is plagued by strange dreams of a prophetic nature. El Disgusto: Its like he has a ninja danger sense.

Weasly Crusher: Even better hes psychic. Psycho Dave: Oh I get it. Hes black and he has a dream. Very nice, very politically correct. Blobert Smith: Your xenophobic gibes grow wearisome. Psycho Dave: And your ass smells like cheese whats your point?

The next hour or so was spent on investigation in the loosest sense of the term. Weasly Crusher tried to piece together clues but he needed a lot of NPC help. Sadly he didnt get a lot of NPC help because Psycho Dave spent most of the game trying he get the NPC Brian Hayes, poisoned, killed or deported. Blobert Smith tried to help but since his role-playing style was somewhere between regular gaming and performance art he was really no help at all. Since El Disgustos character was a ninja he stayed in the shadows and fondled his bat, maybe that was just as well.Finally they group figured out that there was an Aztec cannibal god on the loose and they tracked it down to an importer on the seedy side of town. Taking their cue from every horror film ever made the team planned to storm the monsters den in dead of night with minimal planning and weaponry.But before that could happen I had to excuse myself to use the restroom.

Psycho Dave: Took you long enough. Weasly Crusher: Hope everything came out all right. Blobert Smith: I feel we must try to reason with the cannibal god.

Me: Uh, El Disgusto? El Disgusto: What? Me: How long have your parents been away for? El Disgusto: Just this last day, they come back in the morning. Why you wanna marry them? Me: And how long has Lamont been locked in the linen closet? El Disgusto: Did you let him out? Me: Yes. El Disgusto: You total total wuss. Me: Why are you so mean to that poor animal? El Disgusto: That damn dog was asking for it! Me: What did he do? El Disgusto: I was stretched out on the love seat, trying to enjoy the classic film The Further Adventures of Tennessee Buck. I had just gotten to the tribal rubdown scene when the damn dog rubs his slimy nose across my bare feet! Weasly Crusher: Theres a mood killer. Blobert Smith: Ah I remember the first time my parents walked in my room to find me with my shirt gripped in my teeth and Hardbodies playing on the VCR. Me: So you punished your dog for that?

El Disgusto: Dogs are like women, they only respond to strong dominant men- like me. Me: That would be more impressive if you hadnt cried like a baby at the end of Highlander. Weasly Crusher: I cried at the end of 'Highlander 2'. Psycho Dave: We all did Weasly, we all did. Me: You realize of course that after almost a whole day in the linen closet you no longer have clean linen? El Disgusto: Damn that dog! Im gonna beat him like a rug! Me: Returning to the game please how do you guys sneak in? Psycho Dave: We kick in the front doors. Blobert Smith: How very subtle. Me: All right. You guys charge in and find those strange bloody footprints everywhere. Brian Hayes leads you down the hallway to where- Psycho Dave: Wait, hes in front of us? Me: Yes and he- El Disgusto: Ninja pose! Blobert Smith: My character girds his/her loins.

Weasly Crusher: Fool! Never bring loins to a gunfight. Psycho Dave: I shoot Brian Hayes in the back of the head. (roll dice) Me: You what? Psycho Dave: I see here by this wussy-ass chart you have hear that Brian Hayes is one dead NPC. Me: Why? Psycho Dave: Because Im role playing. Weasly Crusher: You total jerk! Why did you have to ruin everything? Psycho Dave: Because it cant be El Disgusto every week. El Disgusto: That does it! I attack Bloberts transsexual astronaut. Blobert Smith: My character screams like a woman and then goes for her/his gun. Psycho Dave: I taunt Weasly by Riverdancing in the NPCs brains. (Dice are rolled wildly; up above up in the kitchen the sound of a dog desperately trying to use a can opener goes ignored) Me: Well, all of your are dead or dying. Hope youre happy. Weasly Crusher: Can I roll to scoop my entrails back in? I have first aid.

Me: A chill settles over the room and as you all watch, the Aztec cannibal god materializes out the shadows and leers down at your with his blood dripping skull face. Psycho Dave: Choke on it choke on it Blobert Smith: I make a final defiant gesture as soon as my character finds her/his arm I know its around here somewhere Me: The Aztec cannibal god turns away in disgust, he doesnt find any of you in the least bit appetizing. El Disgusto: But ninjas are delicious!

I sold my entire set of CHILL rulebooks the next afternoon and gave the money I got to the United Negro College Fund. It seemed the only appropriate course of action to take.

RPG.NET rant #13 Trapped in Jedi Academy

originally posted to RPG.net on 12-24-2002 at 10:35 PM THE FOLLOWING MAY OFFEND FANS OF STAR WARS, CRITICS OF GEORGE LUCAS AND ANYONE THAT THINKS GREEDO SHOT FIRST. FRIDAY 6:00 PM The 16 years between STAR WARS episode VI and STAR WARS Episode I were a simpler, more innocent time, especially in the world of gaming. Psycho Dave had moved out on his own into a modest little studio apartment on the corner of Crack Whore and Bloodstain, or

maybe it just seemed that way. He had invited everyone to this game, his STAR WARS game set before the fall of the republic where we all played students in the Jedi Academy. Weasly Crusher, Blobert Smith, Deviant Boy and his beloved Asenath were also present. Only El Disgusto was absent, due to injury.

Me: "His dog bit off his WHAT?" Weasly Crusher: "The tip of his penis." Me: "But how... why....?" Blobert Smith: "Do we really wish to know that? Do we really?" Psycho Dave: "Hey are those the pictures from GEN CON?" Deviant Boy: "Yeah. Take a look, there was quite the crop of booth babes this year." Asenath: "I'll say." Me: "Let me see." Weasly Crusher: "Are the rumors of a second edition of Dungeons and Dragons true?" Asenath: "Yes they are." Psycho Dave: "Why? Why would they mess with perfection?" Blobert Smith: "As long as I can still play an Anti-Paladin or an Assassin I will continue to greet each role playing experience with a lessened sense of ennui."

Me: "Great pictures Asenath but this one is kinda out of focus and it almost looks like you're... like you're... GREAT HASTUR'S GHOST!" Weasly Crusher: "Is that...are they... is she...?" Blobert Smith: "Polishing his wand?" Psycho Dave: "Kissing his Mynock?" Weasly Crusher: "Rolling his Sanity?" Me: "What the Hell this?" Asenath: "Sorry, don't how those got in there. Those are from our private collection." Deviant Boy: "But they were taken at GEN CON." Me: "Yeah well you two should keep that stuff to yourselves." Asenath: "Sorry to have offended you- but I am especially proud of this picture here-" Me: "MY EYES!!!!!" Deviant Boy: "Oh come on we are adults here." Psycho Dave: "Wait a second. If she's there... and he's over there... who's taking this picture?" Asenath: "Well we ended up having a kind of three-way with someone who worked for White Wolf." Blobert Smith: "Do my ears deceive me? Have by some dark miracle

you found a way to congeal your flesh with the flesh of the dark geniuses that birthed the gaming miracle known as VAMPIRE THE MASQUERADE?" Deviant Boy: "Well he said he worked for White Wolf." Asenath: "He was wearing mostly black." Psycho Dave: "Whoever he was he wasn't much a photographer." Me: "Hey maybe we should start the game before I end up seeing someone else's genitalia." Blobert Smith: "I merely wish that I might one day be able to see my own genitalia again, but sadly the Fruit Pie is a harsh mistress." Psycho Dave: "OK let's start making characters. Remember this game will let you trace the development of your young jedi apprentice. Remember this is the Jedi academy-pre Star Wars pre-that Wuss Darth Vader." Weasly Crusher: "Darth Vader is a wuss?" Psycho Dave: "If Vader was really a Sith master he would have killed his son and the Emperor and taken the whole thing over for himself." Blobert Smith: "A specious victory at best. What about the forces commanded by Leia and Han Solo?" Psycho Dave: "All Vader would have to do is firebomb the surface of Endor and then once he captures Leia he can make her his bride." Me: "She's his daughter."

Psycho Dave: "Yes and this way the power of the force and their bloodline will stay pure." Asenath: "Makes sense."

But of course the girl with a flipper arm would agree. So we got to work making our characters. Each of us was playing a fresh faced young recruit. They all found ourselves at the Jedi Academy, lined up and waiting for Master Yoda. Friday 7:00 PM

Psycho Dave: "A hush passes over the room as Master Yoda enters. The small diminutive figure clears his throat before beginning to speak." Weasly Crusher: "Wow." Me: "I'm impressed." Deviant Boy: "This may be the coolest game ever." Psycho Dave: "Master Yoda surveys you and then he begins to speak. 'I AM JEDI MASTER YODA, YOUR SENIOR JEDI INSTRUCTOR. FROM NOW ON YOU WILL SPEAK ONLY WHEN SPOKEN TO, AND THE FIRST AND LAST WORDS OUT OF YOUR FILTHY GARBAGE CHUTES WILL BE MASTER! DO YOU SPACE MAGGOTS UNDERSTAND THAT?'" All of us: "Master, yes Master!" Psycho Dave: "'SHAZBOT! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! SOUND OFF LIKE YOU GOT A PAIR!'"

Asenath: "Uhmmm..." Everyone Else: "Master yes master!" Psycho Dave: "IF YOU NON-JEDI SCUM LEAVE MY PLANET, IF YOU SURVIVE RECRUIT TRAINING... YOU WILL BE A WEAPON, YOU WILL BE A PEACE LOVING MINSTER OF DEATH PRAYING FOR WAR. BUT UNTIL THAT DAY YOU ARE PUKES! YOU ARE THE LOWEST FORM OF LIFE. YOU ARE NOT EVEN SENTIENT LIFE. YOU ARE NOTHING BUT UNORGANIZED GRABASSTIC PIECES OF AMPHIBIAN SHIT! AND I SHOULD KNOW I AM AMPHIBIOUS! BECAUSE I AM HARD YOU WILL NOT LIKE ME. BUT JEDI DO NOT HATE SO I MUST BEAT THE TRANQUILITY OF THE LIGHT SIDE OF THE FORCE INTO YOU! DO YOU SPACE MAGGOTS UNDERSTAND THAT?'" All of us: "Master Yes Master." Psycho Dave: "Yoda walks up to Blobert's character. What does he look like?" Blobert Smith: "My character looks like a long haired albino painted by Michael Whelan. His name is Fauntleroy Jones.... Ya'all." Psycho Dave: "'BANTHACOOKIES! FROM NOW ON YOUR NAME IS APPRENTICE SQUARENUTS! YOU LIKE THAT NAME?'" Blobert Smith: "It doesn't really have the resonance I was looking for... ya'all." Deviant Boy: "What's with the Southern accent?" Blobert Smith: "My character is from the southern half of the galaxy."

Psycho Dave: "CLOSE YOUR SHAFTS!" Me: "Are you sure Yoda would act like this?" Psycho Dave: "Master Yoda force chokes your character until he blacks out."

Friday 8:00 PM Ever the consummate game master Psycho Dave took a moment out to give each player a moment to introduce his character before crushing them completely. Weasly was playing a young boy with extraordinary mathematical abilities named Adric, Deviant Boy and Asenath were playing incestuous cousins. Psycho Dave took us step by step through his vision Jedi training.

Me: "So it's like an automated pitching machine-" Psycho Dave: "Except it fires shotputs." Weasly Crusher: "So I'm blindfolded and you're shooting 10 pound metal balls at me?" Psycho Dave: "If the force is strong in you- you will survive. Roll those dice."

Friday 9:00 PM

Me: "Once I'm finished visiting Weasly's character in the infirmary I sneak back to the barracks in time for lights out."

Asenath: "After lights out and we're all in our bunks my cousin and I use the Force to massage each other's genitals to the point of orgasm." Me: "I- uhh..." Weasly Crusher: "Jedi's can do that? No wonder they're so tranquil." Psycho Dave: "'SHUT YOUR FILTHY SPACE-HOLES!'"

Friday 11 PM Psycho Dave: "'THIS IS MY SABER. THIS BLADE....'"

Friday 11:59 PM

Psycho Dave: "Each of you climb into your Y-Wing fighters and prepare for your first training mission. Your craft are all parked on the dark side of the planet." Weasly Crusher: "I'm just glad that my character is out of the infirmary. I really wasn't sure how to role play getting colonic enemas." Blobert Smith: "Is anyone?" Psycho Dave: "OK Weasly your character is first. Make a piloting roll as you fly across the planet's darkside." (Dice are rolled) Weasly Crusher: "Yes!"

Psycho Dave: "Excellent! Now the live fire part of the exercise." Weasly Crusher: "What?"

Saturday 12:30 AM

Deviant Boy: "We all saved up and got your character this fruit basket Weasly." Weasly Crusher: "Wow. I'd eat it if my character still had limbs."

Saturday 1:30 AM

Blobert Smith: "I challenge Apprentice Malfoy to a duel! I'm tired of his crap... ya'all." Deviant Boy: "Rich little snot! How dare he sabotage our float for Mandalorian Pride week!" Asenath: "Be careful he's very skilled." Me: "Look this has been... look... it's late and I do have to be to work in the morning." Psycho Dave: "I thought you were here to play a game, not bug out because you were a little sleepy." Me: "I have work commitment's." Psycho Dave: "What about your commitment to the Force?"

Me: "OK I'll give this another hour. At least until the end of the duel."

Saturday 2:30 AM

Weasly Crusher: "It was nice of Master Yoda to let us share a hospital room." Blobert Smith: "Those were, without a shadow of a doubt, the worst die rolls of my life." Deviant Boy: "I steal some rubber gloves and dental dams for later." Asenath: "Ever the romantic." Me: "OK I'm out of here." Weasly Crusher: "Sounds like a good place to stop." Psycho Dave: "But the game isn't done yet." Me: "But two-thirds of the party are in the infirmary." Psycho Dave: "There are still adventures to be had!" Me: "Come on, let's wrap it up." Psycho Dave: "OK just a minute. I have a few more scenes to do OK? Please?" Weasly: "Oh OK." Psycho Dave: "OK I need one more thing."

Psycho Dave excused himself to his bedroom. Weasly and I began to pack up to leave. Blobert began trying to stand. Deviant Boy and Asenath were debating locations they could go parking. Everyone fell silent when Psycho Dave walked out of his room carrying a sawed off shotgun.

Me: "Ah... what is that?" Psycho Dave: "I like to make important die rolls by bouncing the dice off the barrel." Weasly Crusher: "Is that loaded?" Psycho Dave: "Probably." Blobert Smith: "I am not comfortable with guns at the gaming table." Psycho Dave: "I'm sorry, it's just that gaming is the only thing that matters in my life anymore. And when I can't game it feels like my soul is being drawn into a dark miasma where right and wrong no longer matter." Weasly Crusher: "You know we could stay a little longer." Me: "Yeah why stop now?" Deviant Boy: "This is kinda scary." Asenath: "Yeah it gets me so hot." Deviant Boy: "You little whore!" Asenath: "You rampant stallion!"

Me: "What's WRONG with you two?"

Saturday 3:30 AM

Asenath: "Look someone stole my character's lightsaber and none of us is leaving here until I find out who it is!" Weasly Crusher: "I think the janitor is evil." Me: "Why?" Weasly Crusher: "Every time he appears Psycho Dave plays the Imperial March on his casio keyboard."

Saturday 5:00 AM

Blobert Smith: "We can make the skunk our pet! The barracks mascot! I shall call him Hawkmoon!" Weasly Crusher: "But what if Master Yoda finds out? We'll be in big trouble." Blobert Smith: "We'll be fine so long as there are no sudden noises." Psycho Dave: "Master Yoda bursts in the room. 'WHAT IS ALL THIS CONSPIRATORIAL WHISPERING?'"

Saturday 5:15 AM

Deviant Boy: "You know I'm pretty sure hanging us by our thumbs should get Yoda a Dark Side point." Psycho Dave: "'SHUT YOUR FILTHY SPACE HOLE!'"

Saturday 6:30 AM

Me: "OK. Fine. I help the rest of the party sabotage Apprentice Malfoy's spacecraft." Weasly Crusher: "Do you think this is part of the metaplot?"

Saturday 7:15 AM

Psycho Dave: "Master Yoda says 'YOU ARE NOW READY FOR THE ADVANCED SPACE FIGHTER COURSE!'" Weasly Crusher: "I hide at the back of the line and hope he doesn't see me." Me: "OK I go first." Psycho Dave: "'YOU WILL FINISH THIS COURSE SPACE MAGGOT!'" Me: "Yes master yes. I will do my best." Psycho Dave: "'YOU WILL FINISH THIS COURSE! YOU HAVE NO CHOICE!' And then Yoda whips out a blaster and shoots you in the femur. You have five rounds before you bleed to death."

Saturday 10:00 AM

Me: "Well I'm late for work." Psycho Dave: "Who cares? Your characters have all gone AWOL to go to a space whorehouse!" Deviant Boy: "Finally gaming I can relate to!" Weasly Crusher: "Blobert's character and mine shared a space 'ho." Blobert Smith: "Yes and just remember who shot first my boy."

Saturday 2:00 PM

Me: "While everyone else is at the zero gravity Hoe-down I lock myself in my footlocker and blow my brains out." Psycho Dave: "OK. Roll." (Dice are rolled) Me: "How could I miss?" Psycho Dave: "Why are you trying to ruin the game for everyone else?" Me: "Look maybe this game is fun for you but this is not Star Wars!" Weasly Crusher: "Ab3! He's armed! Never taunt an armed gamemaster!"

Psycho Dave: "What exactly do you mean?" Me: "Look, cartoon plots, people with bad accents and horny teenagers pretending to be bad asses is NOT what Star Wars is about. I'm out of here." Psycho Dave: "Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" Weasly Crusher: "Look, my character is stuck in a john with no paper. Can he use the force to grab a roll from the storage closet?" Psycho Dave: "Huh? Oh yeah. Finally you're acting like a Jedi."

Legend says that game went on for three days, until only Blobert Smith was left. I never gamed with Psycho Dave again, he slowly drifted away from my circle of friends lost into a downward spiral of madness, self-loathing and Games Workshop products.

RPG.NET rant #14 Reservoir Torgs originally posted to RPG.net on 12-28-2002 at 08:31 PM WARNING THE FOLLOWING MAY OFFEND FANS OF TORG, PEOPLE UPSET BY PENIS INJURIES, PRO AND ANTI WAR ACTIVISTS AND SOME MEMBERS OF THE SCA. The loss of Psycho Dave was a blow to our gaming group, in the sense that the chances of us ever finding another bedwetting, racist, pyromaniac of his caliber were slim. Somehow we soldiered on. It was the first week of January 1991. El

Disgusto was back from the hospital, nursing a grudge and a penis graft. His parents had taken the dog on vacation so we were back gaming in his basement. He was angry, scary angry. He sat there at one corner of the gaming table with the stick of pain clenched in his fist, looking for all the world like King Conan (If King Conan had died of a bladder infection and been brought back to life as a lich). Deviant Boy and Asenath were at there, but they were so crazy in love that he insisted on having her sit on his lap. Johnny Tangent was back, he'd been fired from his telemarketing job and now had a lot of free time to game. Weasly Crusher was never one to miss a game so he was there, he'd had to take two buses and walk half a mile but he was there. Lastly we had Blobert Smith, wearing a peace T-shirt and a headband that read "No Blood for Oil!". I t was my turn to run and I had chosen a game I dearly loved but never had a chance to run... Torg.

El Disgusto: "First thing off let me say that if anyone and I mean anyone makes any jokes about my injury they will get a taste of the stick of pain." Weasly Crusher: "It probably tastes like Lamont." Johnny Tangent: "I love Sanford and Son." Blobert Smith: "Ah yes I also enjoyed the nihilistic subtext of that program. After all was not Red Fox's character living in a junkyard and constantly faking heart attacks and promising to join his dead wife? A bold, subtle statement on the failings of Christianity if ever I saw one." Deviant Boy: "Look, El Disgusto, we don't even really know what happened. I mean sure you're father gave us a general idea what happened to you but he was laughing so hard I couldn't make everything out."

Asenath: "You poor thing." El Disgusto: "I don't need your pity freak!" Me: "Hey that's not very nice." El Disgusto: "Neither is your pitiful excuse for a hairline! Let's game damnit!"

I gave them a brief overview of the world of Torg, a world like our own but invaded by conquerors from other realities. Even El Disgusto was intrigued, once he found out there were ninjas.

El Disgusto: "This ninja rocks! I'll call him Shinobi Killfist." Johnny Tangent: "I'm playing a special forces soldier named Roddy Plisken." Blobert Smith: "I playing an ex-Cyberpapcy priest named Joan." Weasly Crusher: "I play a Storm Knight named Gary." Deviant Boy: "I've got an exile Edenois named Enik." Asenath: "Oh Baby. Alliteration makes me moisten." Me: "Oh God." Asenath: "And I'm playing an Elven warrior maiden named Sheena." Me: "Well this looks like a varied group and for once I have a game system that encourages this so let's go over the rules and then we can

play."

So I gave them a brief overview of the system, how combat and magic worked, the way that rolling a natural 20 meant you could re-roll. There was only one stumbling block...

Blobert Smith: "Drama deck? I don't understand." Me: "OK what the Drama Deck does is it gives random effects to the game and allows the PCs to effect events in the game." Blobert Smith: "But don't the dice have that effect?" Me: "Yes the dice do have a randomizing effect but the cards allow the GM or players to effect the story in other interesting ways." Blobert Smith: "Then why utilize dice at all?" Me: "Because the dice are what you roll for skill and stat checks." Blobert Smith: "Again, why can't the cards perform that function?" Me: "The game is supposed to use dice and cards." Blobert Smith: "I don't understand." El Disgusto: "How stupid are you you dumb fat shit?" Blobert Smith: "Excuse me kind sir, but my inability to comprehend a murky game concept is no reason for you to go off all ... halfcocked." El Disgusto: "STICK OF PAIN!"

It took a few moments more for Weasly, Johnny and myself to break up the pitiful flailings of Blobert and El Disgusto. Deviant Boy stayed in his seat, maybe because Asenath stayed on his lap, rocking gently.

Me: "OK let's get to the actual game. The six of you are brought together by an elderly Storm Knight code named Vagabond..." Johnny Tangent: "Let it be said now my character isn't going to take crap from anyone. This is a war damnit!" Blobert Smith: "This is not a WAR-game you philistine this is a ROLEPLAYING game. Perhaps reason will succeed." Johnny Tangent: "Reason? With interndimensional invaders?" Blobert Smith: "Perhaps we could learn from them, perhaps we could learn from each other." Weasly Crusher: "Here we go again. Remember what happened when you tried to hug that shoggoth?" El Disgusto: "My ninja revs his motorcycle's engine with subtle menace." Asenath: "You brought your motorcycle into the briefing room?" El Disgusto: "A ninja is always prepared!" Deviant Boy: "My character examines the motorcycle with intense curiosity." Me: "Vagabond asks Shinobi to take the motorcycle outside and-"

Johnny Tangent: "You know it's people like you that are ruining this country with your hippie peace protests." Blobert Smith: "Well maybe I don't want American soldiers and Iraqi children's lives destroyed because of a corrupt immoral president!" Johnny Tangent: "OK it has registered in that whack-a-mole game that you use for a brain that Iraq invaded the nation of Kuwait and has brutalized its people." Blobert Smith: "Can't you see that's out fault? We armed Iraq, we made them what they are. We all but killed those Kuwaiti people." Johnny Tangent: "Exactly. Iraq is like a dog that has gone mad from licking it's empty nadsack too much and has to be put down." Weasly: "Sniff! Poor Peaches." Johnny Tangent: "That's why God made America the toughest nation in the world. We're like the Shaft of nations." Blobert Smith: "No! We armed Iraq so it would invade Kuwait so we could go in and steal both countries' oil! It's a Republican conspiracy! The only thing we can do now is nothing, this country is too immoral and blood soaked to make a decision untainted by racism and capitalism." Johnny Tangent: "But what about Kuwait's people?" Blobert Smith: "No blood for oil!" Johnny Tangent: "America- love it or leave it!" Blobert Smith: "No blood for oil!"

Johnny Tangent: "America- love it or leave it!" Blobert Smith: "No blood for oil!" Johnny Tangent: "America- love it or leave it!" Me: "Somebody get me the Stick of Pain."

Somehow the mission got underway. The players investigated a group of 'Ambassadors' from the Nile Empire but when they were discovered. Everything went well until...

Weasly Crusher: "I missed again! My character sucks!" El Disgusto: "Once the security guard is unconscious, I slip on my chainmail glove and show everyone why my character is called 'Shinobi Killfist'." Me: "I don't have a table for that." Deviant Boy: "Is there a sanity stat in this game?" Asenath: "Could have been worse. He could have been called Yamada Cornhole." El Disgusto: "Watch it! I'm not afraid to use the stick of pain on a woman!" Me: "Focus people. Focus." Johnny Tangent: "Do you suppose they tried other fruits and vegetables before deciding upon the term 'cornhole'?"

El Disgusto: "I dunno let's ask your Mom." Johnny Tangent: "Very funny Frankencock!" El Disgusto: "Stick of-" Me: "Hey! Can we just-" Blobert Smith: "I still don't understand this Drama Deck thing. Don't they by their very nature render the randomizing effect of the dice moot?" Me: "Oh God..." Weasly Crusher: "Are you OK Ab3? You usually don't start hyperventilating this early in the game."

Somehow we got through the combat although Blobert didn't do much more than puzzle over his drama cards and Deviant Boy kept borrowing my dice. The players split up for the investigation phase of the scenario and each worked with their own unique style.

El Disgusto: "I drive the ninjacycle through the front doors of the hotel across the street from the villain's house and start beheading! Someone there has to know something!" Weasly Crusher: "Come on someone must know I'm in a Turkish Prison." Asenath: "My character and the Edinos get a motel room and have sex."

El Disgusto: "Your character's boiking a lizard man?" Deviant Boy: "I prefer the term Iguanate-American." El Disgusto: "She even role-plays as a skank!" Johnny Tangent: "My character finds a bar where the security guards go after work and bears the answers out of some people there. All the while he says 'Now we see the violence inherent in the system!'" Me: "Is that a Python quote? You damn well know the game table is a Python free zone! Blobert what does your character do?" Blobert Smith: "I am afraid that I am still lost in my considerations of these damnable drama cards. Please explain it to me again." Me: "Look. It works like this. The cards let you do things that give a little extra 'oomph' to the game. They help your character to do things they might not be able to do ordinarily. Remember that scene in INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE where Indy shoots through like 8 nazi's? If that had been a role-playing game he might have done that by playing a Coup De Grace card... or rolling a heck of a lot of twenties." Blobert Smith: "So what your saying is- the Indiana Jones Movies had no scripts? That Steven Speilberg and George Lucas utilized drama dice and d20's to make story decisions?" Me: "That's not what I said! I said that if the movie had been a roleplaying game those events might have happened because of Drama cards." Blobert Smith: "But it wasn't a role playing game. It was a movie."

Fully exasperated I turned my attention back to the other players; to El Disgusto's random beheadings, to Deviant Boy's and Asenath's hot dry reptile sex, to Weasly Crusher's blundering from a Turkish prison to the clutches of an inbred cannibal cult, to Johnny Tangent...

Me: "Suddenly it is revealed to you that the man behind the madness is that mad scientist from the Nile Empire known only as 'the Electrician'! He laughs maniacally-" Asenath: "Great Cobra Commander impression Ab3." Johnny Tangent: "My Paladin draws his sword and says 'None shall pass.'" Me: "With a wave of his hand the Electrician summons a dozen henchmen and gleefully tells you his master plan." Johnny Tangent: "Before he can speak my character shouts 'I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!'" Me: "As I said, the Electrician gleefully tells you his master plan." Johnny Tangent: "You don't frighten me, Nile Empire pig dog! Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, so-called Elec-Trician, you and all your silly English K-nig-hts." Me: "Sighing with disgust the Electrician orders his men to shoot you." (Dice are rolled)

Me: "There you have one hit point left. Feel like listening now?" Johnny Tangent: "It's only a flesh wound!" (More dice are rolled, more quotes are spoken, a character dies) Me: "There! There! You happy now? Your paladin is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! His metabolic processes are now history! He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EXPALADIN!!" Johnny Tangent: "Why did you go and kill my character off? That was kind of harsh!" Me: "Which part of Python-free zone confused you Johnny? Which-" El Disgusto: "Maybe he thought you were talking about your pants." Weasly Crusher: "Why do you keep interrupting? Most people don't like to get cut off." El Disgusto: "Cut off? CUT OFF?" Weasly Crusher: "mother." El Disgusto: "Stick of Pain!!!" Weasly Crusher: "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Somehow we got past that scene and got the surviving members of the party back together again. Unfortunately they were on the run from the police thanks to their acts of wanton violence and public

lewdness. At this point the scenario was in tatters and I could only watch as The Possibility Wars became an incoherent clone of a Tarantino Movie.

El Disgusto: "Keep killing! They've got to run out of cops sometime!" Deviant Boy: "This is like that movie THE GETAWAY." Asenath: "I'm be Kim Bassinger." Deviant Boy: "I am so Alec Baldwin." Asenath: "Wouldn't it be better if you were Kim Bassinger and I was Alec Baldwin?" Deviant Boy: "I dunno, I still have an impaction from last time..." El Disgusto: "Oh for God's sake..." Me: "Can you warn us before you start revealing these little tidbits? I'd like to at least have a chance to stuff dice in my ears." Weasly Crusher: "How could I invoke the Everlaw of One on myself?" Blobert Smith: "So, at what point in the film INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE would they have used the cards? Before or after he fired his gun through the Nazis?"

Of course Weasly Crusher's character was the next to die, he'd tried to hide from the police in a bowling alley. He might have made it if he hadn't paused to rent shoes. Then Blobert's character died but since he hadn't actually done anything yet so no one noticed. Deviant Boy and Asenath went down together, I guess that's what they would have

wanted. That left El Disgusto...

Me: "The police helicopter lands directly in front of you, blocking your path." El Disgusto: "Oh really? I rev my motorcycle's engine and jump over it." Me: "What?" El Disgusto: "I leap over the helicopter with my motorcycle." Me: "How? How are you going to get airborne?" El Disgusto: "Well duh! I use one of the crashed cop cars as a makeshift ramp." Me: "You sure you want to do this? You'd have to roll astronomically well to succeed." El Disgusto: "That's fine the dice love me tonight!" (Dice are rolled, a game master tries not to laugh) El Disgusto: "This can't happen! I demand a reroll!" Me: "Sorry no do-overs." El Disgusto: "But my character's a ninja!" Me: "Correction. Your character was a ninja. Now he's confetti, wet red confetti." El Disgusto: "God-DAMNIT! This is all your fault Deviant Boy!"

Deviant Boy: "What? Are you nuts?" El Disgusto: "I wouldn't have FUBARed my rolls if I wasn't injured. I wouldn't be injured if you hadn't loaned me those damn Eric Van Lustbader books!" Blobert Smith: "Who is Eric Van Lustbader?" Weasly Crusher: "Ninja porn." Blobert Smith: "Ah." Me: "Look El Disgusto, even for you, you're not making sense. How did reading a ninja porn novel get you injured?" El Disgusto: "I was reading in bed, and I'd come to one of the more... intense moments. I had a reaction to it and when I tried to... well the activity startled Lamont and he attacked." Weasly Crusher: "Ow!" Me: "But why-" El Disgusto: "He knew that would happen! He set me up! He can't stand that I had a taste of his little cookie before he did!" Asenath: "Actually Deviant Boy didn't know we'd slept together until just now."

There was a long silence after that, a silence punctuated only by the sound of what I was sure was the baby Jesus screaming in absolute horror. Deviant Boy's face turned ashen, then red, then ashen again. When he spoke his voice was quaking.

Deviant Boy: "Do you mean to tell me that you're... Canadian?" Asenath: "Yes, yes I am. I told you I was from Shadowed Innsmouth because I was afraid there would be a stigma." Deviant Boy: "And you and El Disgusto... you were lovers?" El Disgusto: "It was an SCA thing." Johnny tangent: "Wow. Do you know Deviant Boy that technically you've slept with El Disgusto?" Blobert Smith: "OK I have one last question about these cards..."

I'm not really sure who threw the first punch and I was too unconscious to see who threw the last punch. All I know is that when the dust settled, I never did recover all of my drama cards.

RPG.NET rant #15 The Wrong Room In Ryleh

originally posted on 09-13-2003 at 06:31 PM WARNING: THIS MAY OFFEND...SOMEONE. I POSTED THIS BECAUSE I FEEL GUILTY THE COMIC 'IN THE PIT' WAS DELAYED. CONSIDER THIS A THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONTINUED PATIENCE. In regard to gaming I was like one of the orange blobs in a lava lamp, for a time I would gain buoyancy and float away but again and again I would lose heat and find myself sinking back down to the gaming

table. The last few months of my life had seen much dating, in fact I had been torn between a very pretty and level headed brunette and a deeply disturbed redhead. For a time I couldn't decide which of the two I was date exclusively. Like most men I went with the crazy redhead and it ended in disaster. A very sexy disaster but a disaster nonetheless. My ego wounded I retreated to the world of bloodthirsty orks and shifty-eyed gnomes. I returned to Deviant Boy's apartment.

ME: "Wow what a surprise to find you two being roommates." DEVIANT BOY: "I couldn't make the rent on this place by myself." EL DISGUSTO: "Well I had to get the Hell out of my parents' basement... they had a court order." ME: "I see." WEASLY CRUSHER: "But isn't it kind of awkward?" DEVIANT BOY: "Why would it be?" JOHNNY TANGENT: "You know this reminds me of an interesting story about parakeet mirrors..." BLOBERT SMITH: "I think Weasly is curious as to why you are no longer disturbed or upset by the fact that your beloved Asenath once impaled herself on El Disgusto's flaming manpole." WEASLY CRUSHER: "What? I thought is was just his penis." EL DISGUSTO: "I think we are mature enough to move beyond that."

DEVIANT BOY: "If anything the whole incident has made us closer." ME: "When I tell my therapist about you guys he just doesn't believe me." JOHNNY TANGENT: "...and no one knows how Peaches died. Was it natural causes or did the mirror trigger a kind of budgie-buliema?" BLOBERT SMITH: "Well enough about such tawdry matters. Here is my RIFTS character, he is a Werewolf Glitterboy with self esteem issues and a degree in cosmetology." DEVIANT BOY: "Actually there won't be a RIFTS game tonight." ME: "What? We'd been planning this all week!" WEASLY CRUSHER: "Maybe its just as well, I heard playing RIFTS causes eye injuries." DEVIANT BOY: "Well I'm sorry but I was bar hopping a lot last week and didn't get a chance to plan anything." JOHNNY TANGENT: "You know I found this game on the web that combines Vampire LARPing with Karaoke..." WEASLY CRUSHER: "What's the web?" JOHNNY TANGENT: "The world wide web." WEASLY CRUSHER: "What?" ME: "Oh you mean that Internet thing I've read about." WEASLY CRUSHER: "What?" ME: "Yeah, the Internet... millions of computers talking to each other and exchanging information."

BLOBERT SMITH: "I don't think much of that. It'll probably all get shut down in a storm of gnashing teeth and lawsuits." ME: "So let me get this straight. You didn't do an ounce of planning for your game because you were too busy trying to get laid?" DEVIANT BOY: "In a word, yes." JOHNNY TANGENT: "How did it go? I'd really like to hear how- Oh look! Something shiny!" DEVIANT BOY: "I'm not having much luck lately bringing ladies home. I think a lot of girls are intimidated by a big dick." ME: "Well you don't have to introduce them to El Disgusto." EL DISGUSTO: "You're lucky the Stick Of Pain is propping up a window." WEASLY CRUSHER: "So what are we supposed to do now? We're all diced up with no place to go." DEVIANT BOY: "Well luckily El Disgusto has been working on a D&D campaign." ME: "El Disgusto wants to run?" WEASLY CRUSHER: "Now I want to run." EL DISGUSTO: "I got a great idea for a scenario guys." BLOBERT SMITH: "I lack enthusiasm. Our last scenario involved his holding some Ninja NPCs scabbard while he fought Raistlin." EL DISGUSTO: "It was all about your characters proving you were worthy to hold Shinobi's scabbard. People have died for that honor.

Besides this scenario will be very different." ME: "You know 'different' isn't the same as 'better'." DEVIANT BOY: "Oh come on. We're all here right? We might as well play right?" ME: "Fine. Let me have a copy of the Player's Handbook and I'll make a character." JOHNNY TANGENT: "Player's Handbook? I thought we were playing RIFTS!"

We each rolled up a character and got to playing. El Disgusto didn't railroad as much as shame the players into the scenario. If any of the players suggested a course of action that differed from what he had planned he would sneer and roll his eyes until you stopped trying. Soon enough we had charted a boat on a course to adventure and humiliation.

WEASLY CRUSHER: "Sure was lucky the way we all met in that tavern." ME: "Yeah..." BLOBERT SMITH: "It was especially fortuitous that we met that grizzled old man with his map." ME: "Yeah... especially the way he has hired us to raid the treasures from some high priests temple on an island in the middle of nowhere." JOHNNY TANGENT: "This whole premise reminds me of every fantasy movie I have ever seen yet it reminds me of none of them."

ME: "That's D&D for you." DEVIANT BOY: "My character pays the cabin boy to keep his silence and then walks to the front of the ship to inhale the fresh sea air." WEASLY CRUSHER: "I wish we could have found a different ship to charter." BLOBERT SMITH: "Why? This seems to be a very capable crew." WEASLY CRUSHER: "I just don't understand why this gameworld has sailing vessels where the entire crew are S&M and Leather fetishists." EL DISGUSTO: "I got the idea from that guy I work with." DEVIANT BOY: "That Goodkind guy?" EL DISGUSTO: "Yeah, Terry." DEVIANT BOY: "He's got issues you know." EL DISGUSTO: "Big time." WEASLY CRUSHER: "Sigh. Can we get back to the game please?" DEVIANT BOY: "After he's cleared his pallet my character sniffs his finger." ME: "I just don't get you. You do nothing but make disparaging remarks about gays, you refused to let a new player join the group because you thought he might be gay." DEVIANT BOY: "So?" ME: "So then you go and role-play a character with homosexual tendencies."

EL DISGUSTO: "Hang on a minute Ab3! Deviant Boy's characterKorman of the Gilded Codpiece-is many things but he is NOT gay!" DEVIANT BOY: "But thank God the cabin boy is." WEASLY CRUSHER: "Are we there yet?"

The sea journey was fraught with combat and the occasional random spanking. As we drew closer the island that was our goal were suffered our most devastating assault and too our first casualty...

ME: "Aqua-Ninjas?" EL DISGUSTO: "The scourge of the seven seas." ME: "Aqua-Ninjas riding on the back of a whale?" EL DISGUSTO: "They demand you surrender and prepare to be boarded." WEASLY CRUSHER: "Does this ship even have booty?" BLOBERT SMITH: "Does the cabin boy count?" DEVIANT BOY: "Only to ten." JOHNNY TANGENT: "My character puts on his platemail armor and leaps off the ship. What are my chances to kill the whale with one blow?" ME: "You do know were playing D&D right?" EL DISGUSTO: "Your character sinks to the bottom of the ocean like a rock wrapped in another rock."

JOHNNY TANGENT: "But I have 18/00 strength! Oh wait, that was the game I played in high school. Oh well..." (Dice are rolled) ME: "Finally they're all dead." WEASLY CRUSHER: "Is there a cleric on board?" DEVIANT BOY: "Just put salt water in the wounds." BLOBERT SMITH: "Ordinarily I wouldn't loot the bodies of the dead but since they're evil alignment and I'm good it's OK." EL DISGUSTO: "When you pull of their lime green ninja cowls you see each of them has a face like this!" ME: "Uh... that's an Erol Otus drawing of a deep one." EL DISGUSTO: "And that's what they look like." ME: "OK then." WEASLY CRUSHER: "To the island!" JOHNNY TANGENT: "What about my character?" EL DISGUSTO: "He's dead and fish are eating his eyes." JOHNNY TANGENT: "Oh. Is it OK if I play your playstation and read some comics while listening to your Night Ranger albums?" EL DISGUSTO: "Sure whatever. You're dead to me now."

The surviving characters got to the island and set off to find this great treasure for the mysterious old man. As far as I was concerned we

should have just kept the treasure for ourselves but the old man had promised to give us The Graven Eye of Timor for our troubles and what Role-Player worth his salt wouldn't want one of those?

WEASLY CRUSHER: "Boy the buildings here are weird looking." BLOBERT SMITH: "Yes it is almost as thought the architects are not constrained by the laws of our world." ME: "I've got a bad feeling about this." DEVIANT BOY: "My character is ready for anything." WEASLY CRUSHER: "With a codpiece like that I'm not surprised." JOHNNY TANGENT: "Why do they call it a codpiece? There are no fish in it." EVERYONE ELSE: "Shut-up!" EL DISGUSTO: "Your goal is in sight. The Great Repository stands apart from all the other strange buildings yet it blends in as well. Kind of like a ninja in Amish country. The Great Repository is 100 feet tall and shaped kind of like the Roman Coliseum but its made from greenish rock. ME: "We draw closer." EL DISGUSTO: "The ground is soft and swampy..." DEVIANT BOY: "Like my ex-girlfriends nether regions!" EL DISGUSTO: "Good one." BLOBERT SMITH: "Why are you two constantly disparaging Asenath? Her only crime was loving too much. How can you so loathe a woman

that once surrendered her body to budding insistence of your manhoods?" ME: "...must cram dice in ears..." WEASLY CRUSHER: "But he has a point, why do you guys hate her now?" DEVIANT BOY: "She's a 12th level slut and she can turn undead for all I care." EL DISGUSTO: "Yeah she'd sleep with anyone... even Ab3." ME: "Hey!" BLOBERT SMITH: "It is curious though, why is it that when a man has many sexual partners he is considered a stud but when a woman has a sexual past she is a slut?" ME: "Greater men then you have considered that question." WEASLY CRUSHER: "Like Kevin Smith." DEVIANT BOY: "Look I was just done with her OK?" EL DISGUSTO: "Besides a man is like a crossbow and a woman is like a target. A target doesn't need to practice." ME: "So what should you little archers practice on?" JOHNNY TANGENT: "The Cabin Boy?" ME: "What?" JOHNNY TANGENT: "That was a great movie."

A few random combat encounters later our characters reached the Great Receptacle. There were no entrances, windows or secret doors so we got our ropes and grapples. And scaled the walls.

EL DISGUSTO: "Suddenly a great roar fills the air. The swampy stench gets worse." ME: "I look around to see what it is." EL DISGUSTO: "Suddenly you see this 300 foot tall figure climbing out of one of the strange towers." ME: "That's an Erol Otus drawing of a Cthulhu!" WEASLY CRUSHER: "We're on Ryleh?" BLOBERT SMITH: "That explains the lime green ninjas. It all makes sense now." ME: "No it doesn't. So let me get this straight-you're using the first edition DEITIES AND DEMIGODS as a monster manual?" EL DISGUSTO: "Yep." DEVIANT BOY: "And we're just hanging here 50 feet in the air like a string of meaty benwa balls!" ME: "And Lovecraft thought he knew soul blasting horror..." DEVIANT BOY: "We climb faster!" (Desperate and angry die rolls follow)

WEASLY CRUSHER: "How did earwax get on my d20?" EL DISGUSTO: "You all reach the top. The rim of the Great Receptacle is about then feet across. The interior is hallowed out and murky." ME: "Like your skull?" EL DISGUSTO: "Careful or you'll have to save Vs slap!" WEASLY CRUSHER: "He's plodding closer." BLOBERT SMITH: "What are we going to do?" EL DISGUSTO: "Plod. Plod. Plod. Plod. Plod." DEVIANT BOY: "We must climb down into the interior of the building." WEASLY CRUSHER: "I anchor the rope and start climbing!" EL DISGUSTO: "You each reach the bottom before he can see you. You find yourselves ankle deep in filthy water." BLOBERT SMITH: "My dwarf weeps with relief." EL DISGUSTO: "Plod. Plod. Plod. Plod. Plod. The floor shakes under your feet. A black shadow falls across the bowl-shaped building." WEASLY CRUSHER: "Quick hide." ME: "Did you say bowl-shaped?" EL DISGUSTO: "Yes." DEVIANT BOY: "What's wrong Ab3? You're trembling." EL DISGUSTO: "The darkness deepens throwing the great old one's body into silhouette. Cthulhu is right above you now."

ME: "My God... you've outdone yourself El Disgusto." BLOBERT SMITH: "What in the name of Timothy Bradstreet is going on here?" ME: "We're in his toilet. We're in Cthulhu's toilet." EL DISGUSTO: "Great Cthulhu's gelatinous green buttocks cover the rim of the Great Receptacle. You hear a nasty slopping sound." EVERYONE ELSE: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

I cannot describe what happened next such things cannot be described. There is no language for such abysms of shrieking and immemorial lunacy, such eldritch contractions of play balance, gaming etiquette and cosmic order. Lets just say I never want to hear or read the term 'Flying Polyps' again. The next week we all played RIFTS, and just in case we wore protective goggles.

RPG.NET rant #16 The Great Gamma World Death March

originally posted to RPG.net on 03-09-2004, 01:50 PM WARNING: THIS MAY NOT BE AS FUNNY AS MY OLDER POSTS AND I MAY HAVE BECOME A BLOATED INTERNET PSEUDO-CELEBRITY. BUT IN HONOR OF THE COMIC 'IN THE PIT' LOOMING PREMERE I SHARE WITH YOU THIS LITTLE TALE CHOCK FULL OF MUTANTS AND BAD LANGUAGE.

I thought it would be prefect. My five least incident-prone players were with me; Weasly Crusher, Deviant Boy, Ol' Yellowbelly, Blobert Smith and Rehab Boy (Formerly the Amazing Boozehound). We were gathered together at Deviant Boy's apartment. For a time Deviant Boy and El Disgusto had been roommates but El Disgusto had found cheaper digs by moving in with a commune of Star Trek Live Action Role Players. We didn't know what went on at that strangely painted farm house but it was very immersive - in the worst sense of the word. With El Disgusto gone (save for the slight odor of unwashed men's underwear that seemed to still hover in the air at times) it gave me a chance to try my hand at some 'ninja-free' campaigns. And the game we were running tonight was one I had a wanted to run for a long time.

Blobert Smith: "Gamma World, how delightful!" Me: "First edition too." Weasly Crusher: "I remember I used to have a copy of that. I was going to run it but I loaned the rules to Psycho Dave and he sold them to the used book store..." Ol' Yellowbelly: "You mean MILDEW'S USED BOOKS?" Weasly Crusher: "Yeah. I always meant to buy them back but by the time I'd gotten caught up with the Columbia Book and Record club someone had snatched it up." Me: "I bought this at MILDEW'S."

Rehab Boy: "Psycho Dave did that to you a lot didn't he?" Weasly Crusher: "Yeah." Me: "Sorry Weasly." Weasly Crusher: "That's Ok, at least I still have my copy of CYBORG COMMANDO." Blobert Smith: "You can take comfort in that at least." Rehab Boy: "Well its like they say Re-Possession is nine tenths of the law! Ha-ha!" Me: "Ok then... lets roll up those characters."

A short while later I had five new player characters waiting for me.

Weasly Crusher: "My character is a mutated human with heightened intelligence and hemophilia." Blobert Smith: "My Character is a normal human that worships the writings of Roland Dahl." Ol' Yellowbelly: "I'm playing a mutated cactus. His one possession is the little red wagon he sits in. He moves it with telekinesis." Me: "Why.....?" Ol' Yellowbelly: "Because no one attacks the cactus! Its brilliant!" Deviant Boy: "I rolled up a humanoid mutant. He has size reduction, multiple appendages and enlarged appendages. I drew this picture of him? See?"

(Brief Horrified Pause) Me: "His name is 'Doc Cock'?" Deviant Boy: "Yeah he's like Doctor Octopus but he walks around on-" Me: "I get it." Deviant Boy: "They're really big and he's really small and there are eight of them and if he needs a jet boost or distance weapon all he has to do is-" Me: "NEXT!" Rehab Boy: "I am playing an average looking normal human with average stats and no mutations. His name is John Eric: Adventurer." Me: "That's-" Rehab Boy: "Ha-Ha! Get it? John-Eric Adventurer! Get it! Generic Adventurer! Ha-Ha!" Me: "Let's get started shall we?"

The scenario I had planned was to be a simple quest that would introduce the players to the campaign world with little or no real risk. I explained that the player characters were all living on a small village called Crapsville on the outskirts of a forest. Things were peaceful but that village was woefully short on medical supplies so they sent the player characters out to the Big City at the mouth of the river to barter for the needed supplies. Everything was going great until we wrapped up the first combat encounter.

Ol' Yellowbelly: "Oh My God! We all almost died!" Blobert Smith: "Fighting for our lives against 6 foot tall rabbits with assault rifles. How could the apocalypse bring so much irony?" Deviant Boy: "So much for no one attacks the cactus." Ol' Yellowbelly: "They didn't, you bastards were using me for cover!" Rehab Boy: "My character cleans and dresses the bodies all the while singing 'My Bunny Valentine'! Ha-Ha!" Me: "I thought you said humor was an important step in your Recovery." Rehab Boy: "It is." Me: "Well let me know when it starts." Rehab Boy: "Ha-Ha! And they said you were a balding failure with no sense of humor!" Me: "What?" Weasly Crusher: "My character tries to stop hemorrhaging." Deviant Boy: "My character tries to help." Weasly Crusher: "If any of your character's appendages touches me I'll scream" Me: "Do you guys make camp for the night?" Deviant Boy: "Yeah, I think we should. And I think we should reevaluate what we are going to do. Who has the map?"

Weasly Crusher: "I think my character is using it for a tourniquet."

The player characters made camp in the shadows of some ruins, after wringing out the map and drying it they began to make plans.

Ol' Yellowbelly: "I think we should turn back. It's not safe here." Rehab Boy: "You say that every game." Ol' Yellowbelly: "No I don't!" Weasly Crusher: "You said that the time we played the ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE game." Ol'Yellowbelly: "I was well within my rights that Mr. Peabody has crazy eyes." Deviant Boy: "We are on a mission of mercy here. We can't be worried about herds of killer rabbits." Blobert Smith: "Look at the map. It appears that we are taking the long route to the Big City." Weasly Crusher: "But I thought this was the only road." Deviant Boy: "Let me see that map. Hey he's right, we're taking the long way around. The journey that's taking us over a week could be done in three days if we just cut through here and make a beeline for the Big City." Me: "So you want to take a shortcut through the Desert of Certain Doom?"

The players briefly talked amongst themselves. In their whispers I could hear the sound of a campaign falling apart.

Deviant Boy: "Yes." Me: "Let me say this again, you want to take a shortcut through the Desert of Certain Doom? You know the part of the map here with all the radiation and biohazard symbols on it?"

Once again the players briefly talked amongst themselves. Subtlety was failing me so as they talked I pointed to the map and made spooky noises.

Deviant Boy: "Yes." Me: "All right then is there anything else you would like to do before your characters turn in for the night? After all you want to wake up bright an early to make your way across the Desert of Certain Doom. That's the Desert of Certain Doom." Weasly Crusher: "I try not to bleed so much." Deviant Boy:" My character has some pretty involved grooming rituals he has to go through." Ol' Yellowbelly: "My character hides behind a rock." Rehab Boy: "I lie down next to him so he's between a ROCK AND A HARD CASE! Ha-Ha!" Blobert Smith: "Yes, my character preaches about the sacred mystery of the Everlasting Gobstopper."

In the morning the player characters broke camp and made their way into the Desert of Certain Doom. Suddenly their chance of combat encounters more then doubled in regularity and ferocity. I thought of all the planned role-playing encounters I had set up for this scenario. I imagined them standing by the side if the road twiddling their thumbs like actors that had never gotten their cues. It was after a particularly rough fight with some giant tics we took our first casualty.

Weasly Crusher: "Well that's it, I bled to death." Deviant Boy: "Through the ragged stump at the end of your neck." Ol' Yellowbelly: "I didn't think it was possible for a cactus to wet itself." Rehab Boy: "The dice are with me tonight!" Blobert Smith: "I take out some pieces of chocolate and start giving the last rites to Weasly's character..." Me: "How do you-" Blobert Smith: "...Body of Wonka. Amen."

I always knew playing Role Playing Games would get me sent to Hell, I had just never been sure how and why until that very moment.

Weasly Crusher: "Can I make a new character?" Me: "How will you meet the rest of the party?"

Blobert Smith: "Perhaps he lives here." Me: "In the Desert of Certain Doom?" Rehab Boy: "Maybe he likes beachfront property! Ha-Ha!" Me: "I'm sorry it just doesn't make any sense." Weasly Crusher: "No that's ok. I should head home then." Ol' Yellowbelly: "Uh- I'm your ride home." Weasly Crusher: "I'll walk." Rehab Boy: "It's snowing- and you know what they say... There's no business like snow business. Ha-Ha!" Weasly Crusher: "I'll take the bus." Blobert Smith: "But it is a Sunday night and the last bus has already come and gone like a midseason replacement TV series starring Charo and Emmanuel Lewis." Weasly Crusher: "Then I'll hitchhike." Deviant Boy: "You know what could happen to a tender morsel like you?" (Brief Horrified Pause) Deviant Boy: "What?" Me: "Ok. I will let Weasly make a new character if we never speak of that last moment again."

Weasly rolled up a new character with practiced ease while the rest of the part blundered around in the Desert of Certain Doom like a rant in search of a punchline. His character was a normal human with minimal hit points living alone in the middle of a deadly wasteland. It didn't make a lick of sense but then what did I know? I was only the Gamemaster.

Weasly Crusher: "My character decides to abandoned his diseased sod farm and join the party." Rehab Boy: "Why would anyone want to farm diseased sod? Sod that! Ha- Ha!" Blobert Smith: "The joy of finding a new companion has caused me to sing. Oppmpa Loompa Doopaty Doo, I've got another hymnal for you. What do you do when you're farming up sod. As an occupation its certainly odd. What if you think-" Deviant Boy: "I kill him."

Well I suppose that was inevitable. There was another pause while Blobert Smith rolled up another character, a boneless mutant goth prostitute named Vespa. She and Doc Cock became fast friends. The rest of the party just shuddered, even the cactus. Their trek across the Desert of Certain doom continued.

Me: "Ok what are you doing?" Deviant Boy: "I scout ahead and search for encounters." Ol' Yellowbelly: "Are you insane?"

Deviant Boy: "What?" Ol' Yellowbelly: "You're LOOKING for combat encounters." Deviant Boy: "No my character is scouting ahead to make sure we don't get ambushed." Ol' Yellowbelly: "But by doing that you're making sure we do get ambushed. You're changing a GM decision into a player made dice roll." Deviant Boy: "How would my character know that? And are you saying that the less you know the safer you are?" Ol' Yellowbelly: "That's the creed I live my life by." Me: "So what do you want to do?" Deviant Boy: "I go scout ahead." Ol'Yellowbelly: "I run." Weasly Crusher: "Actually you roll." Rehab Boy: "And I rule! Ha-Ha!" Me: "So you're really breaking off from the party?" Ol' Yellowbelly: "Yes! I want to live!" Me: "Ok, and Deviant Boy I need you to make some rolls." Rehab Boy: "He's rolling and he's rolling... rollin' rollin' rollin' keep those doggies rollin Rawhide! Ha-Ha!"

So Ol' Yellowbelly character tried to get back home and the rest of the party soldiered on. Another combat broke out and a critical hit took out another player character.

Deviant Boy: "Noooooooooooooo!" Me: "Sorry. Bad luck there." Weasly Crusher: "For any other character a groin shot wouldn't be so fatal." Blobert Smith: "Vespa sobs wildly and cradles the grisly remains to her bosom." Rehab Boy: "That's not like her to go off all half-cocked like that! HaHa!" Weasly Crusher: "Dude we did that same joke 2 rants ago." Me: "Hey! No breaking character while breaking character." Deviant Boy: "Well since everyone else got to make a new character can I?" Me: "Sure, but no more of this penis monster stuff." Deviant Boy: "Hey, mark my words someday there will be an entire genre of films dealing with tentacle penis monsters." Me: "Give me a break. The day that happens is the day I get porno for free through my phone lines."

Ol' Yellowbelly: "Am I home yet?" Me: "Look I told you already, your wagon's wheel broke running from those ground hogs. you're stuck." Ol' Yellowbelly: "But I'm stuck out in the middle of the woods! How will I survive?" Weasly Crusher: "You're a cactus..." Rehab Boy: "No reason to be a prick about it! Ha-Ha!" Me: "Let me ask you a question." Rehab Boy: "As they say in Alaska, 'Eskimo questions and I tell you no lies.' Ha-Ha!" Me: "Do you feel that unlicensed pilots should be allowed to fly airplanes?" Rehab Boy: "What?" Me: "I said, do you feel that unlicensed pilots should be allowed to fly airplanes?" Rehab Boy: "Of course not." Me: "Should unlicensed doctors be allowed to perform surgery." Rehab Boy: "No." Me: "Then using that logic maybe you should let people that are FUNNY TELL THE FUCKING JOKES!!! How about that? Ha-Ha!"

No one was surprised when Rehab Boy stormed out, we tried to get the game going again but suddenly we realized something.

Weasly Crusher: "Hey I suddenly realized something." Ol' Yellowbelly: "That you need to go back for the cactus?" Weasly Crusher: "No. I just realized that no one in the party is from the little village of Crapsville. We have no reason to be on this quest." Blobert Smith: "I think Rehab Boy's character had the map." Deviant Boy: "Yeah why is my six-fingered hermaphrodite here?" Me: "And for that matter why am I here?"

There wasn't much of a game left after that but we were pretty much snowed in so we sat up for a little while discussing what went wrong. All the players agreed that there should have been some kind of warning that the Desert of Certain Doom might be dangerous. The next day I cashed in the Gamma World books for store credit at MILDEW'S and picked up a copy of CHAMPIONS. It was the same CHAMPIONS book I had loaned to Psycho Dave years ago.

RPG.NET rant #17 The Bad Rifts Project

originally posted to RPG.net on 05-22-2005, 04:15 AM

WARNING! THE FOLLOWING MAY OFFEND BUG POWDER ADDICTS, WAITRESSES AND LARPERS. THE FOLLOWING RPG.NET RANT SHOULD NOT BE READ WHILE OPERATING HEAVY MACHINERY. SOME OF THESE JOKES ARE JUST FOR ME. When I got to Dennys Blobert Smith was there waiting for me in a family sized booth. A pile of RIFTS books and notepapers were at his side. I was more than a little surprised to find myself gaming again. It was the winter of 1991 and while my love life was still a spectacular disaster I was confident that Bill Clinton was going to win the election this year and that I would never have to hear the term 'President Bush' again.

Blobert Smith: "Much like the end of the disco era, you're early." Me: "Well I know how long it can take to set up a Palladium character so I thought I would get here early." Blobert Smith: "Please help yourself to paper and pencils." Me: "Thanks. So where will we be playing?" Blobert Smith: "Here." Me: "I thought this was just some kind of a pre-game get together." Blobert Smith: "I am afraid not. My parents have banned all gaming related activities since I tried to have a Vampire LARP in the basement." Me: "I don't think - You tried to run a LARP in your basement?"

Blobert Smith: "What better place to evoke the dark mystery of the Mind's Eye Theater than a dark underground room reeking of mothballs and an ill-kept furnace. My only sin was allowing the event to become too intense. I said time and time again that the players in my dark psychodrama could bring katanas and hatchets but they were only for ornamental purposes." Me: "Oh no..." Blobert Smith: "Indeed. A swordfight at the mouth of my parents basement. How sublime." Me: "Blobert you should have known something like that would happen. LARPers are the crazy ex-girlfriends of gaming.... and are you sure that having a game at a Denny's is a good idea?" Blobert Smith: "Why not? After all are not most of the most important events of our lives accompanied by food?" Me: "I suppose." Blobert Smith: "Life is a single serving buffet Ab3, pile your dish high."

Blobert could be pretty deep for a guy wearing a frilled shirt, leather pants and a paisley vest. I put together a character, I decided to play a mostly regular joe who got swept into the crazy RIFTS multiverse. Deviant Boy was the next to show up, he brought with him a longhaired kid with a sleepy disposition.

Me: "Hey long time no see." Deviant Boy: "I thought you were done with gaming." Me: "Well after my adventures I think I can kick back and enjoy a game now."

Deviant Boy: "You've been having adventures?" Me: "Oh, I've had adventures. I'd tell you about them but I wouldn't want to blow your tiny little mind." Blobert Smith: "Wow."

Actually I'd spent most of my summer playing STARFLIGHT on my Sega Genesis but I damned if I'd tell them that.

Deviant Boy: "And this is my new roommate Collateral Darren." Collateral Darren: "Yo." Blobert Smith: "Surely not THE Collateral Darren?" Collateral Darren: "Yo."

Collateral Darren was another local legend. His specialty was destroying role playing games with point based character generation systems. In don't think he did it on purpose but he was one of those people with a genius that bordered on madness. His nickname was based on his famous CHAMPIONS character 'Collateral Damage' - a super hero whose special power was the ability to make hostages explode.

Me: "Is this everyone?" Blobert Smith: "Weasly has yet to arrive." Deviant Boy: "You invited Weasly? How could you?"

Blobert Smith: "But you never had objections to Weasly's presence before." Deviant Boy: "But Wesley is letting El Disgusto crash with him!" Me: "And the most dangerous place in the world is between El Disgusto and a game." Collateral Darren: "Isn't he that kid that smells like breaded fish?"

A few minutes later Weasly and El Disgusto showed up, it suddenly became very crowded in that family sized booth.

Weasly: "Hey all." El Disgusto: "Hey its Ab3, I thought my failure sense was tingling." Me: "What's with the attitude? I haven't seen you in months." El Disgusto: "Attitude? You try getting fired from your job and then having to spend the last few months on the run, a fugitive from a dozen credit card companies and a jury duty summons and see how sunny your disposition is!" Blobert Smith: "Why did you get fired?" Deviant Boy: "Because his bosses found out he was going commando under his Chuck E Cheese costume." Me: "What?" Collateral Darren: "I was shocked to find out the Chuckster was a guy in a costume too." Blobert Smith: "Could I please have everyone's character sheets?"

Weasly: "I decided to make a Techno Wizard. I call him Merle Owen." Blobert Smith: "I have always felt that every time a pun like that is made somewhere in the world a nerd dies." Collateral Darren: "I was born to play a Juicer, this one happens to be named Karl." Deviant Boy: "My character is a former Coalition Borg named Monte Markham." Me: "Wow and people say I make obscure references. That's like a 9 on the Dennis Miller scale." Deviant Boy: "It can't be you every time." El Disgusto: "I am playing a Crazy called Fuckyouupforlife-san. He's so crazy he thinks he's a ninja." Me: "You playing him as yourself?" El Disgusto: "You're cruising for a helping of chicken fried whoopass." Blobert Smith: "And your character Ab3?." Me: "I made a mildly psychic Rogue Scholar. His name is Rex Connor." El Disgusto: "Oh man that has sucks written all over it. Is sucks like the watermark on you paper or something because damn if it always doesn't come through." Me: "Will you back off?" Collateral Darren: "If you two guys hate each other so much why do you game together?"

Me: "It's a funny story Darren. You see when I was a young boy walking along the beach in Lake George I came upon something shiny half buried in the sand. I dug it up and it was a lamp like from Aladdin." Weasly: "Uhhhh...?" Me: "So I rubbed the lamp and out pops this cut rate genie! He said to me 'Since I am a cut rate genie I can only grant you one wish. Tell me Ab3 would you like a million dollars or a giant dick?'" Deviant Boy: "He's finally snapped." Me: "I thought for a long time and since I've never been a monetary kind of guy I said. 'I'd like a giant dick.' The genie and his lamp disappeared in a puff of smoke. The very next day I met El Disgusto." El Disgusto: "Hey if I wanted a pointless humorless story that drags on forever I'd read a White Wolf novel!" Blobert Smith: "Perhaps now we should begin the game. Our story begins on the borders of Coalition territory and a desert wasteland in a- "

The waitress approached, she was very good looking, dark hair, dark eyes and a name tag that read 'SAM'. She obviously disliked us immediately, that somehow made her all the more alluring.

Sam: "You guys ready to order? Our soups for the day are-" Collateral Darren: "Hey lady, if we want soup we will ask for it. Just because your company owns stock in a soup concern doesn't mean they can shove it down our throats." Weasly Crusher: "Hey. Soup is good food."

Collateral Darren: "No man, soup is gravy with shrapnel in it." Deviant Boy: "But ironically enough you love chili." Collateral Darren: "Chili is WARHAMMER FANTASY ROLE PLAY, soup is D&D." Blobert Smith: "I don't think I have ever had my ringpiece blown out by a game of D&D." Me: "Well you are fairly new to the Albany gaming scene. Give it time." Sam: "Would somebody please order something?" Blobert Smith: "My pallet desires pie but what kind of pie? The patriotic fervor of apple? The esoteric revelations of blueberry? Perhaps the October dream that is pumpkin? Or perhaps the culinary dichotomy known as rhubarb? Or even-" Me: "For Christ's sake just order some cheesecake!" Blobert Smith: "Capital idea! Capital!" Sam: "One cheesecake. What would you like to drink?" Blobert Smith: "Milk." Sam: "Next." El Disgusto: "Patty melt with an extra side order of fries. Got any Mountain Dew?" Sam: "We have 7UP." El Disgusto: "Sheesh, well I guess you don't then. I'll have an orange soda."

Sam: "Ok and you?" Weasly Crusher: "Just a water please." Sam: "Great. Next?" Deviant Boy: "A salad for me. I'm watching my physique... if you wanna help just let me know." Sam: "Not a chance. To drink?" Deviant Boy: "A chocolate shake." Sam: "Whatever. Are you ready to order?" Collateral Darren: "What are your soups today?" Sam: "Sigh. Minestrone and cream of mushroom." Collateral Darren: "Do you have any Italian Wedding soup?" Sam: "We have minestrone and cream of mushroom." Collateral Darren: "Are you sure? Can you check?" Sam: "All we have is minestrone and cream of mushroom soup." Collateral Darren: "Then I'll have the turkey club and some iced tea but no ice in the iced tea." Sam: "Fine. And you?" Me: "Well I would like a burger, fries and a large coke." Sam: "Done."

Me: "Thank you Samantha." Sam: "What? What did you call me?" Me: "Samantha?" Sam: "My name is Sam you little freak. Can't you read?" Me: "Well Sam is short for Samantha.. isn't it?" Sam: "Who are you the fucking nickname police?" Me: "I didn't mean to offend. What is it short for?" Sam: "My name is Sam, just Sam to you!" Me: "Sorry..."

The waitress stormed off. I sat there blushing madly, staring at the table listening to the guys sitting around me choking back giggles. I knew that the first one of them to crack a joke would be destined to become my enemy for life and that someday we would have to fight to the death in a sinking ship with flaming shovels.

El Disgusto: "Man you're like not going to get laid ever are you?"

Well that came as no surprise to anyone did it? Once everyone else had stopped laughing we got started.

Blobert Smith: "Our story begins on the borders of Coalition territory and a desert wasteland in a- " Weasly Crusher: "Can you back up? I mean I skimmed the RIFTS book

but I don't really have a good grasp of what the world is like." El Disgusto: It's got ninjas and robots what more do you need to know?" Collateral Darren: "If Ronnie James Dio and Piers Anthony wrote a role playing game it would be RIFTS." Blobert Smith: "It is all that and none of it. RIFTS is a world beset by strange magic and mad science, an apocalypse and a rebirth, a reality where cliches from a dozen different genres make war and love beneath against a backdrop of metatexual fan fiction." Weasly Crusher: "Oh..." El Disgusto: "If Kevin Siembieda were here he'd slap your fat face." Blobert Smith: "Be that as it may our story begins on the border of Coalition territory-" Weasly Crusher: "Coalition?" Deviant Boy: "Republicans with power armor, just roll with it." Blobert Smith: "-on the border of Coalition territory and a desert wasteland in a strange city known only as The Interzone. Clusters of minarets and skyscrapers cast the narrow streets into shadow. At the heart of the city, in a disused park is the bazaar, where anything can be bought. This is where each of your player characters find themselves. Why do they find themselves in this exotic and inviting place? The reasons are contained in these envelopes drawn at random." Me: "Random plot hook generation? Well I'll try anything once..."

As we were opening our envelopes our food arrived.

Sam: "Water for you." Weasly Crusher: "Thanks. This is a clean glass isn't it?" Sam: "Yes. Here's your cheesecake." Blobert Smith: "How sublime. Please allow me to place an order for my second piece now." Sam: "Your turkey club and ice tea without ice." Collateral Darren: "Was this turkey fresh?" Sam: "Denny's is dedicated to bringing you fine quality foods at great prices. Your patty melt, fries and orange drink." El Disgusto: "I didn't order an orange drink I ordered an orange soda." Sam: "Is there a difference?" El Disgusto: "Is there a difference between a magic user and an illusionist?" Sam: "Is there a difference?" El Disgusto: "Well I guess when you see your tip you'll know won't you?" Sam: "One salad and one chocolate shake." Deviant Boy: "Thanks. You know you should smile more. I mean you've got the body of a 20 year old but when you frown its like you've got the face of a 30 year old." Sam: "Good thing you sat in my section, I might never have known."

Deviant Boy: "Hey I'm a full service kind of guy." Sam: "And lastly we have the open face meat loaf sandwich with extra cole slaw and a diet Fresca." Me: "Uhm... didn't I order the hamburger platter?" Sam: "Did I bring you the hamburger platter?" Me: "No... but I did order it." Sam: "No you didn't. You asked for the open face meatloaf sandwich." Me: "But..." Sam: "I remember because I thought you were a meat head and you asked for a meat loaf sandwich. It stuck me as kind of funny." El Disgusto: "I love observational humor..."

With that the waitress left. The open faced meatloaf sandwich was fine but to this day the taste of humiliation reminds me of the taste of diet Fresca.

Collateral Darren: "So the piece of paper in the envelope says that I came here because my character is jaded and wants new experiences. Cool." Me: "And I'm here looking for Dr. Benway. I want revenge for the illegal operations he performed on me as a child?" Blobert Smith: "As you can see I have drawn a picture to show where the questionable orifice was installed."

Deviant Boy: "And my character is here because he is trying to deal with his addiction to... bug powder?" Blobert Smith: "Bug powder is a most potent opiate in this world." Weasly Crusher: "And my techno-wizard is here to hire his services to the highest bidder or the most appropriate NPC." El Disgusto: "Ok this is bullshit. My character is here because he killed his wife trying to shoot a glass off he head? No. Not happening." Blobert Smith: "It is just a simple background story to allow you easier integration into the campaign." El Disgusto: "Hello? Stupid! I'm a ninja and ninjas don't miss." Me: "Tell that to Weasly's toilet seat..." El Disgusto: "What?" Weasly: "Please! I said nothing!"

Blobert pressed on, managing to get the party together and on their way to their first mission by the time he was on his third piece of cheesecake. We were contracted by hirsute and transgendered Dr. Benway.

Weasly Crusher: So this is a cabaret with an outpatient surgery center? Blobert Smith: Yes. It is called Cafe Flesh. Dr. Benway calls you all over to a table and straddles a chair while speaking to you. You cannot help but notice the sinewy legs barely contained by silk stockings. What pleasure it is to make all of your acquaintances. Dr. Benway says. And at such an opportune time.

Collateral Darren: I ask Dr. Benway if there is anyway I can get unaddicted to bug powder. Blobert Smith: Dr. Benways ruby lips purse beneath a bark goatee. Collateral Darren: Uh is that like a yes or a no or a... El Disgusto: Anyone here touches my character and they die. Deviant Boy: Hell with it, my cyborg gets into the mood of the whole thing. Ill see if any of Dr. Benways singing nurses wants to ratchet my nuts. Blobert Smith: All of Dr. Benways singing nurses are castratos. Deviant Boy: Hey I love Italian girls. El Disgusto: Can we please cut out this nonsense and get on with whatever mission there is? Blobert Smith: Dr. Benway explains that the Cafe is in dire need of the mutant centipedes that lurk in the wastelands. From their poison sacks Dr. Benway is able to create the panacea needed to cure both bug powder addiction and trenchmouth- it is also the special ingredient for their chicken wings. If you will journey into the wastelands and harvest a few of these centipedes Dr. Benway will reward you richly. Dr. Benway asks if you have any questions. Me: Now, about this orifice...

We all agreed to the mission and as a reward Dr. Benway allowed us to have the run of Cafe Flesh for the night. After some debauchery described in Blobert's florid style we were off.

Blobert Smith: "While your memories of the evening's events may be faded and uncertain the truth of what happens lingers on as a tingle in your hypothalamus glands." Weasly Crusher: "That Interzone is one weird town." Deviant Boy: "This is a lot more interesting than some weird old dungeon crawl." El Disgusto: "Figures you'd like it 'Dances With Mugwumps'." Blobert Smith: "Suddenly you are attacked by -" Sam: "Hey. Is there anything else you guys need?" Blobert Smith: "No, six pieces of cheesecake is more than enough." Sam: "Well are you guys ready for the check?" Blobert Smith: "Oh not for a few hours yet I think."

We watched the waitress storm off.

Me: "She looked pissed." Collateral Darren: "Who cares?" Blobert Smith: "As I said, you are all attack by mutant brigands." Weasly Crusher: "The very worst kind!" (One long brutal combat later) Me: "Wow. We did great. Not a scratch on us."

Weasly Crusher: "Our characters' love of combat is only equaled by their love of swimming, bodybuilding and martial arts." El Disgusto: "I hang one of the mutant brigands from a cactus and scrawl on his chest with his own blood 'THEY DIDN'T LISTEN'" Collateral Darren: "Hardcore!"

We traveled further into the wastelands.

Deviant Boy: We park our motorcycles by the run down building. Blobert Smith: Inside, among the cobwebs and inches of dusk you old arcade games and episodes of Battlestar Galactica on laserdisk. Collateral Darren: There is still enough juice to run these things? Blobert Smith: Somehow yes. El Disgusto: You got lucky. Weasly Crusher: Instead of Battlestar Galactica do they have any old episodes of the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon?

After another day on the road day we encountered another group of strangers.

Deviant Boy: "Who are you people?" Blobert Smith: "One of them explains - 'This is a Ley Line mon so we be Ley Line Walkers mon.'" Me: "Rastafarian Ley Line Walkers?"

Blobert Smith: "'Yeah mon.'" Me: "Suddenly those lisping Glitter Boys make all the more sense." Weasly Crusher: "What are they doing out here?" Blobert Smith: "' Don ya be knowin' dat all the best ganja grow along da ley lines mon.'" Collateral Darren: "I kill them and take their stash." El Disgusto: "Hardcore!" Sam: Can I get anything else for you guys? Collateral Darren: No were fine. Me: Guys maybe she needs to booth for someone else. We should probably wrap this up. Deviant Boy: The sun's not even up yet. Sam: Hey baldy. I dont need you to speak up for me ok? El Disgusto: Baldy! She called him baldy! Me: Uh, Sam it looks like we got off on the wrong foot here and I Sam: Wrong foot? What the Hell is that supposed to mean? Me: I... I... Sam: These are orthopedic shoes, they may look funny to you but I wear them because I am on my feet all night dealing with drunks and weirdoes like you. Theyre different colors because that was all I could afford. I am here to wait on you not amuse you.

Me: What the Hell is this? What are you talking about? When did I end up in a scene from GOODFELLAS?

The waitress stormed off, she wasnt cursing under her breath that was for damn sure. El Disgusto: You should totally ask her for her number. Me: Oh youre reveling in this. El Disgusto: Reveling in it? I havent been this happy since the Knight Rider marathon! Deviant Boy: You know what your problem is Ab3? You dont use enough hard consonants when talking to girls. Girls get turned on if you do that. Eventually we got back to the adventure. The deeper we got into the wasteland the stranger the encounters we got were. I am sure Blobert saw them as role playing opportunities, some of the team saw them differently.

Blobert Smith: The woman wears a ruined wedding gown and carries a bloodstained parasol, the doll she carries smells vaguely of meat. El Disgusto: I attack!

Finally, after another hour our characters found themselves at the centipede nesting grounds. Things did not go as well as we hoped.

Me: You would think Dr. Benway would have warned us these were giant centipedes. Weasly Crusher: Well we arent dead. We might still be able to escape. El Disgusto: They beat us down, tied us up and laid hundreds of eggs in our backs. Deviant Boy: And now theyre singing show tunes. Me: This game has exterminated all rational thought. Collateral Darren: There has to be something that can save us. Me: The police? Blobert Smith: There are no police in RIFTS. Me: Yeah but there is a policeman in Dennys and hes this way. El Disgusto: If anyone asks my name is Im OlYellowbelly. The Nice Officer: Evening gentlemen. Blobert Smith: Good evening. The Nice Officer: If I might ask, who is the owner of the blue Gremlin with the yellow and red racing stripes? Collateral Darren: Heh. Actually those are Corellian Blood Stripes. Dont they teach you guys anything at the police academy? The Nice Officer: Well would you mind telling me why there is a LAW rocket in the back seat? Collateral Darren: I dont think thats any of your business.

We managed to get clear as the policeman wrestled Collateral Darren to the ground, cuffed him and led him away.

Collateral Darren: Its diffused! It really is! Im holding it for a friend! Its totally a bong... Deviant Boy: I lose more roommates that way. Me: Well on that note I think we should call it a night. Weasly Crusher: Yeah. Ive got to start my paper route in an hour or so. El Disgusto: Well all we have to do now is divide the check up five ways. Weasly Crusher: That doesnt make sense. El Disgusto: I dont think were going to get any cash out of Collateral Darren do you? Weasly Crusher: Yeah but I didnt order anything. El Disgusto: Oh yeah? And whats this? Weasly Crusher: A water. El Disgusto: That you ordered. I rest my case. Weasly Crusher: But El Disgusto: I. Rest. My. Case. Weasly Crusher: Ok.

Me: You know there are prison bitches with relationships that are more life affirming then the one you two have. You guys divvy up the check, I need to use the rest room. I excused myself to the rest room but what I really did was wait for a moment to catch Sams attention. I spoke to her by a moment over by the payphones.

Sam: What do you want now? Me: Im sorry. Sam: What? Me: For whatever it is I somehow did or didnt do to so drive you crazy tonight... Im sorry. I know having us sitting there for five hours must have been a drag. Sam: Well you did frighten off that screaming homeless guy. Me: Apology accepted? Sam: Yeah I guess. Me: I think theyre ready for the check. Sam: Finally? Me: Yeah finally. Sam: You know you arent such a bad guy really... your friends dont make you look very good though. Ill go get your check.

I waited until Sam was out of sight before I punched the air once or

twice. All I needed to do now was eat here once a week or so for the next few months and then I might finally get the nerve up to ask her out! Imagine my surprise when she came back with a phone number on a slip of paper.

Sam: By the way, here. Me: Oh. This is... Sam: My brothers number, hes into that Dragons and Dungeons stuff you guys were playing. His name is Guido, you might be able to get into one of his games sometime. Me: Well, thanks. Thats very kind of you. Sam: And heres your check. Me: Ok Ill bring it back to the guys. Sam: Dont you know? They all left. Me: What? Sam: I guess they all got to arguing over something and they all stormed out. Me: Well, isnt that... hmmm... now that weve bonded here Sam, do you think you might be able to give me a running start? Sam: Sorry no.

So thats it, I came to play RIFTS but I ended up doing dishes. I suppose there is some kind of poetic metaphor I could make about

that, but lets be honest, thats more of Bloberts kind of thing.

RPG.NET rant#18 The D&D Session That Mostly Wasn't

originally posted to RPG.net on 12-07-2005, 06:36 AM WARNING: THE FOLLOWING MAY OFFEND PEOPLE THAT LIKE TO STAY ON TOPIC, PEOPLE THAT HATE TYPOS, BEARS AND DESTRO. Another gaming group beckoned but I was reluctant to pull up stakes and start again. I had been to too many new games that turned out to be nothing more than bait and switch events trying to sell me Amway or religion or both. So that was how I found myself at the apartment Deviant Boy and Collateral Darren shared. The walls of their cramped one bedroom apartment were decorated with artwork from the early years of metal and the latter days of porno.

Me: "So wait. If there is only one bedroom where does Darren sleep?" Collateral Darren: "The storage room." Me: "You mean the dark little room where the water heater is?" Collateral Darren: "My cot fits in there perfectly." Me: "Jail cells are less cramped and dank than that room is." Collateral Darren: "It works for me." Me: "You're living like a prisoner."

Deviant Boy: "Hey man we are all prisoners of our glands."

I hadn't run D&D in a while and I decided to see if I could get my old campaign up and running again. In short order Blobert Smith, El Disgusto, Old Yellowbelly and Weasly Crusher arrived. Deviant Boy and Collateral Darren had plenty of soda, chips and dip on hand.

Blobert Smith: "Ah D&D, are you a balm against the cold sting of loneliness or did you in fact create the very isolation we endure?" El Disgusto: "We play the game because its fun, end of story." Me: "Since when have you ever had fun at a role playing game? You're always pissed off about something." El Disgusto: "I take my pleasures in the little things in life. Like that twitch you developed." Me: "I don't have a twitch." Old Yellowbelly: "You do." Weasly Crusher: "Yeah, it happens whenever you hear the word 'ninja'." Me: "Grk!" Deviant Boy: "Weasly, why are you wearing your Burger Clown uniform?" Weasly Crusher: "I just came from work." Deviant Boy: "What's with the gold fringe on your name tag?" Weasly Crusher: "I have been promoted to Fry Vat supervisor."

Me: "Cool, must be more money for you. Maybe you can finally get your own dice." Weasly Crusher: "Actually Fry Vat Supervisor means I just work more hours but don't get any overtime." Me: "You work at a fast food joint and you're salaried?" El Disgusto: "See that's why I don't have a job. Its my way of sticking it to the man." Me: "I never realized being under house arrest was a way of doing that." Collateral Darren: "Hey we've all been under house arrest once or twice." Me: "No we haven't." Blobert Smith: "I was in a diabetic coma once. It was glorious. I dreamed I was the ghost of Veronica Lake trapped in a toaster oven." El Disgusto: "You're like a bad acid trip in a paisley vest I swear to God." Collateral Darren: "Speaking of acid..." Me: "Look I already said that I will not run D&D for people on drugs. My game notes are disorganized enough." Deviant Boy: "Ab3 is SOOOOOO conservative." Me: "Ok... lets try to get this show on the road. What kind of characters are you making?" Weasly Crusher: "I am going to make a human fighter named Grog

Bradi." El Disgusto: "I have a pad of pre-rolled ninjas." Me: "Grk!" Old Yellowbelly: "I want to be a gnome illusionist who specializes in invisibility spells and mime." Deviant Boy: "I will be playing a female character and like all women she is a chaotic evil thief." Me: "It's so good to see you moving on and letting go." Collateral Darren: "I want to be an Anti-Paladin with negative five Charisma." Me: "That means you character is so physically hideous and social maladjusted that civilized society rejects them utterly." Collateral Darren: "That's ok because the guy is totally like Tarzan except that he was raised by a tribe of Black Puddings. He carries his adopted family around with him in a specially created bandolier." Me: "Could this party be even less cohesive?" Blobert Smith: "I think you shall find that my character concept will be the glue that helps this party hang together like the heady musk of womanhood clings to the spandex lining of a lady wrestler's costume." Me: "And your character is..." Blobert Smith: "My character shall be Lord Gustave Courbet, a fightermagic user of sorts, he is the third son of a noble house. A social disgrace sent an incredible magnitude has caused him to leave his homeland to seek adventure in a world his pampered life at his parents manor barely prepared him for. Perhaps he will find

redemption, perhaps death. He would have used his considerable fortune to gather a retinue of adventurers to his side. Perhaps this might be the genesis of our group." Me: "That... that could work. That could really work." Blobert Smith: "And of course one of the player characters will take the place of my manservant. It will be their duty to aid and protect my character - to guard his life and fortune, to make sure his myriad weapons and armor are at the ready, to make certain his precious spellbooks when not in use are sealed in their Mylar snugs, to lovingly powder his bottom before securing him in his leather diaper and +1 bonnet of arrow deflection, to make ready the oversized bottles full of milk with a dash of rum and make sure they are served at breast temperature and to make sure that every inch of Gustave's body is depilated and lotioned." Me: "..." Old Yellowbelly: "..." El Disgusto: "I roll to disbelieve."

It took some time form them to roll up their characters and pick equipment and gods. We were just about ready to start playing when Blobert noticed something...

Blobert Smith: "We are out of nacho cheese yet chips remain." Collateral Darren: "I can go get more."

Collateral Darren grabbed the Tupperware container that held the last dregs of nacho cheese and then got up from the table and got on his coat.

Me: "I don't think this is important, we are about to start playing anyway." Collateral Darren: "It isn't a problem at all. I'll be right back from the gas station." Me: "Gas station?"

But Darren and his orange Tupperware container were already gone. We all sat there staring at each other for a moment.

Me: "So, maybe we can start without him." El Disgusto: "No. You can't just start a campaign without a member of the party and then have to just bring everyone back up to speed when Darren gets back. That's like Babylon 5 switching commanders in season 2. Utterly bogus." Old Yellowbelly: "Babylon 5 is a great show." El Disgusto: "Babylon 5 is lame, it rips off the best of Star Trek and the Worst of Robotech." Weasly Crusher: "There is no worst of Robotech, its all great." Me: "Come on, lets just get started." Blobert Smith: "Star Trek is far too Republican for my tastes in its current incarnation. The old series was about exploring the boundaries of space and fornication. The new show is merely the regurgitation of Elitist Imperialist groupthink." Weasly Crusher: "I'm sick of Sci Fi, I wish they made a D&D TV series."

Old Yellowbelly: "They tried already... remember a failed little series called 'Wizard's and Warriors'?" El Disgusto: "That show had more of a Runequest vibe if you ask me." Deviant Boy: "Mmmmm Witch Bethel was extreme spankfodder." El Disgusto: "You said the same thing about DRIVING MISS DAISY." Deviant Boy: "And....?" Me: "How long is Darren going to be gone for anyway?" Deviant Boy: "Chill out he's just going down to the gas station around the corner." Weasly Crusher: "The gas station?" Deviant Boy: "Its a gas station and a convenience store." Old Yellowbelly: "Remember the old days when you just got gas at gas stations. Now it seems like you can get almost anything." Blobert Smith: "I lost my virginity in a Belgian Gas station. Even now I become flush with desire at the merest whiff of diesel fuel." El Disgusto: "I bet the tire pump never worked right after that." Me: "Like I said, we could start the game anytime now. Who wants to kill some Kobold babies for practice?"

Collateral Darren returned shortly after with some nacho cheese and a furtive look in his eyes. At this point in my life I was beyond asking, I was just glad that we could get started.

Me: "A plague has ravaged the kingdom..." El Disgusto: "Hey, did anyone tape this week's episode of SPACE RANGERS?" Old Yellowbelly: "Isn't that show canceled?" Me: "Hello people, focus." El Disgusto: "I can hear you fine. Backstory blah blah blah. Premise blah blah blah." Me: "A plague has ravaged the kingdom, fast acting and always fatal it has..." Weasly Crusher: "I don't understand how any kind of plague could get a foothold in a D&D world. I mean there are all kinds of clerics and heal spells and stuff." Blobert Smith: "A close study of the wilderness and city encounters tables reveals that the average denizen of a D&D-esque world has a 40% chance of being attacked by a wandering monster sometime in his lifetime. Mostly likely while they are trying to access the privy." Old Yellowbelly: "Is it too late for my character to have a Chamberpot of Holding?" Me: "Each of you has lost someone you've known to the ravages of the plague, yet each of you remains strangely immune to the disease." Blobert Smith: "Oh the heartbreak..." Weasly Crusher: "How cathartic." Old Yellowbelly: "My character fled the moment someone sneezed."

El Disgusto: "My character killed his family to save them." Deviant Boy: "Since my character is immune he starts telling peasant girls that his smegma has curative properties. It coats soothes and relieves. Collateral Darren: Since my family are all slimes and jellies does this really apply to me? Me: Moving forward

Things moved forward slowly, side conversations dominated moved back and forth along the table. Even during combats I found things utterly derailed

Deviant Boy: So the you know who called me yesterday. Weasly Crusher: Did American Gladiators accept your application? Deviant Boy: No! Asenath left a message on my answering machine. Weasly Crusher: What did she want? Deviant Boy: Something about want to go out to lunch or something. I erased it. El Disgusto: I hope you burned the answering machine just to be safe. Me: The dragon lands in the Doctor Who style quarry before you. It rears up to its full height Deviant Boy: Dont even get me started. She thinks we can still be friends after what she did.

Weasly Crusher: But all she did was sleep with El Disgusto before she ever met you. Deviant Boy: EXACTLY! And she never said anything about it. Old Yellowbelly: Maybe she thought you might freak out and like break up with her. Collateral Darren: Hey he showed me all the love letters she wrote him, all the gifts and stuff she gave him. A guy doesnt need a girl thats all needy like that. Me: Did I say dragon? I meant dragons. Deviant Boy: Look all I know is now shes trying to come crawling back to me. Blobert Smith: Perhaps she merely wanted to make amends. Perhaps she has moved on. Deviant Boy: Get real goth-boy. Shes aching for her fix of vitamin D. I bet without me when she parts her legs the thermostat goes off. Old Yellowbelly: Girls sure are different. Blobert Smith: I do wish you would not speak in such a crude an misogynistic manner. Deviant Boy: What do you care? Me: so the five dragons run at the sight of the rampaging tarrasque. Blobert Smith: It may surprise you to hear this but I am currently dating the lady Asenath and have been for some three weeks.

Deviant Boy: Collateral Darren: You? Blobert Smith: I. Collateral Darren: You know she doesnt have a penis right? El Disgusto: That makes two of them. Me: Did I mention the tarresque has rabies? Weasly Crusher: Were out of nacho cheese again. Collateral Darren: Hang on Ill get some more. Wheres my sombrero? Me: Oh Lord.

I suppose I could have made more of the fact that Darren headed out for the gas station in a raincoat and a sombrero but by this point I was too demoralized. Me: I suppose you guys want to wait for him to get back? El Disgusto: Its only fair. Were playing at his house for Gods sake. Blobert Smith: Deviant Boy, my old chum. Why are you just sitting there with a quivering lip and Deviant Boy: No more words. Say no more words or Ill kill all of you. Old Yellowbelly: Can we talk about stuff out of character? Deviant Boy: Why ever be out of character? Its so much nicer in

there. Player characters dont have problems with girlfriends and jobs and a rash that just wont go away Weasly Crusher: Its ok man weve all been there. El Disgusto: Its certainly starting to look that way.

Whenever a fight breaks out I always make sure to protect my first edition copy of Deities and Demigods first, this day was no exception. Deviant Boy tried to slap both El Disgusto and Blobert Smith at once but somehow only managed to hit Weasly. Eventually Collateral Darren found his way back with fresh nacho cheese. Collateral Darren: Woah, a fight. And I missed it. Deviant Boy: Im sorry about that. I kind of lost myself there. Me: No? Really? Weasly Crusher: Where is Old Yellowbelly? Blobert Smith: He ran when the fighting started. He is most likely halfway to Utica by now. Me: Well it wasnt like his character did anything more than hide tonight. Lets move on without him. The wizard that brought the plague on the land was ironically enough its first victim. He Collateral Darren: Old Yellowbelly wouldnt last five minutes in the marines. El Disgusto: And you would know this how? Me: The Wizard lived in a manor at the top of the hill. A vast

sprawling estate that some said was full of treasures from all across the world. Collateral Darren: I almost joined. Weasly Crusher: Almost? Collateral Darren: I think I was too intense for them. El Disgusto: Yeah, all those arrests had nothing to do with it. Blobert Smith: I must say that I have noticed that you El Disgusto are in a most acerbic frame of mind today. El Disgusto: Ive just about had it with this stupid town. One of these days Im going to get that job as a professional video game tester. Blobert Smith: Albany is sow that eats its young. Deviant Boy: I hate all of you. Me: You draw closer to the Wizards manor, you see strange shapes moving past the windows. Are they monsters or ghosts of Weasly Crusher: Do we have a marching order? Collateral Darren: When I get the scratch I want to move to Alaska to live among the grizzly bears, occasionally I will strap on chainmail armor and cull their numbers with a katana. Deviant Boy: Youre going to hunt bears with a sword. Collateral Darren: It seems a lot more sporting that way. El Disgusto: In a world of stupid things that has got to be the stupidest thing Ive ever heard.

Deviant Boy: Those bears will eat you like Felecia in the final scene of Cheerleader strippers. Collateral Darren: Oh give me a break, bears are like six hit die creatures. Me: Is anyone paying attention to a damn thing I have to say today? El Disgusto: Look. Are we at this wizards manor? Me: Youre a few yards from the main entrance, if you had been paying attention El Disgusto: Ok. I pull out that wand of fireball casting we found a while back and lob a few fireballs at the manor. Me: What? El Disgusto: Its a manor right? A big old mansion with a stone foundation at wooden doors and wooden walls and curtains and paintings right? Me: Right El Disgusto: And as the manor burns to the ground well pick off the monsters and servants as they come running out. Me: What about finding a cure for the plague? El Disgusto: Who cares about the plague, it didnt get us and that means more treasure for everyone. Me: You you ruined everything. El Disgusto: Thats why real adventures take place in a dungeon bitch.

Before I could start weeping in earnest there was a knock at the door. Deviant Boy answered it.

Deviant Boy: Oh hello officers. Nice to see you again. Police Officer #1: What did I tell you would happen if I had to come out here again. Deviant Boy: But we werent playing loud music or LARPing. Police Officer #2: We received a complaint from the Gas and Go on the corner. Apparently your little friend has been stealing cheese. Me: Oh I knew it. Collateral Darren: I think youre mistaken officer. That cheese is complimentary. Police Officer #1: That cheese is for the nacho bar, youve been going there with a bowl and filling up without buying a damn thing. Me: You what? Collateral Darren: Again officer you should check before coming over here and trying to slander me in front of my friends. There is no price on the nacho cheese, there for it is complimentary, there for I can take as much as I want. Just like sugar packets and napkins at a restaurant. Police Officer #2: The cheese is for customers who have bought nachos not for people that just wander in off the street. Police Officer #1: In a variety of really poor disguises.

Collateral Darren: Look if you pigs think you can arrest me just try. I am sure HEY LEGGO! Put me down! Police Officer #1: You have the right to remain silent Collateral Darren: That goddamn cheese is complimentary I tell you! Complimentary! There wasnt really much of a game after that. Mainly because I didnt want to run a fight scene with every monster just streaming out of the burning manor, besides I remembered that there were plenty of magic items stored there so we all realized that the surrounding countryside probably ended up being consumed in an explosion of mystical hellfire. El Disgusto wanted to know how many experience points that would be but I just gave him the finger. After that we all just kind of sat around until four in the morning talking about what cartoon characters wed most like to go out with. And for the record, I chose the Baroness.

RPG.NET rant #19 The Prequel Trilogy I: The Creep On The Borderlands

originally posted to RPG.net on 12-24-2007, 10:25 AM WARNING; PREQUEL TRILOGIES ARE RARELY AS MUCH FUN AS THE ORIGINALS, PLUS I JUST DRANK A WHOLE CASE OF ROBITUSSIN. It was the final spring of the Regan administration, a year that brought us the high art of Mystery Science Theater and the unending reign of terror that was Rosanne. College had been kind for me, I had an active social life, an influential place on the college literary magazines review board and I even went to the occasional class. Everything was

great until my fiance left me; it might not have hurt so much if she had left me for someone better but instead she left me for the idea that there simply HAD to be someone better. I tried to accept her wishes with maturity and dignity but sadly maturity and dignity dont mix well with crying and begging. One of my literary magazine pals was named Weasly Crusher, and after a few months of hanging out on campus he invited me to join his weekly Dungeons and Dragons game. Now I will admit I was so certain I would never game again that I sold all of my RPG books but the loss of my fiance had left me longing for lifes simpler pleasures so after I renewed my subscription of JUGGS magazine and watched every episode of The Trial of a Time Lord back to back, I decided to join Weaslys game. Weasly and I carpooled to the game, he gave directions I drove. The house we were going to was on the border between the towns of Colonie and Watervliet. The town of Watervliet, New York had long been supported by the munitions factory in the heart of the town, a whole community had sprung up around the Watervliet Arsenal, but as fortunes dwindled and jobs moved elsewhere, the once bustling neighborhoods had begun to dwindle into decrepitude. In other words, it was kind of a dump. Weasly Crusher: This is the place. Just park anywhere. Me: This is like the only house with any lights on, on the whole street. Are all the houses in foreclosure? Weasly Crusher: No I think some are condemned.

I parked battered Monte Carlo under a streetlight and followed Weasly into the modest two story house. The front door was unlocked but Weasly did some kind of coded handshake before actually walking inside. The lower level of the house bare, no furniture, rugs or anything. Weasly led me upstairs where I found furnishings, light and

the rest of the gaming group.

Weasly Crusher: Well Ab3, this is our Dungeon Master Psycho Dave. Me: Nice to meet you. Psycho Dave: Ab3? That isnt a Teutonic name is it? Me: No. Im Polish and Italian. Psycho Dave: Oh how unfortunate for you. Still though Im sure youre a good worker. Weasly Crusher: That guy over there with the unnaturally thick moustache is Deviant Boy.

I smiled and gave him a thumbs up, Deviant Boy returned the gesture by raising his right hand to shoulder level with the palm facing inward.

Deviant Boy: Tal. Weasly Crusher: The fella over there mixing drinks is The Amazing Boozehound. Me: Howdy. The Amazing Boozehound: Hey welcome to the team. What are you drinking? Me: A soda would be fine. The Amazing Boozehound: Scotch and soda got it. Me: No just soda.

The Amazing Boozehound: Really? Me: Yeah. The Amazing Boozehound: Weird ok here you go. One soda. Me: You you got cigarette ashes in my drink Johnny Tangent: You know in Buffalo they call soda pop. Weasly Crusher: And the guy in the Night Ranger t-shirt is Johnny Tangent. Me: Night Ranger was a bitchin band. Johnny tangent: Really? I hate them, I just wear the T-shirt to remind me of my character class. Me: Well look at the time. I should probably Weasly Crusher: Hey! You Just got here. Me: Oh yeah.

So I found a seat as Psycho Dave got his game setup. I took a moment to get acquainted with my surroundings. The room was very Star Trek intensive, but always with little bits of Psycho Daves personality peeking through. For instance there were framed photographs of Kirk and Spock all over the walls but most of the pictures were scenes from the original series episode Patterns of Force. Similarly the bookshelves around the room were alternately filled with Star Trek books, role playing games and folios detailing the horrifying air war of the Luftwaffe. The centerpiece of the room however was what I initially took to be a crystal statue representation of Star Treks Galileo shuttlecraft. The light seemed to reflect strangely

on the clear glass surfaces and something within those surfaces seemed to be moving.

Me: Are those Sea-Monkeys? Psycho Dave: We dont use the term Sea-Monkeys in polite company, the correct term is brine shrimp. Me: I didnt know they made fish tanks for Sea I mean brine shrimp in the shape of Star Trek ships. Psycho Dave: I had it specially made. I cashed in some saving bonds my grandparents had left for me. Deviant Boy: The man loves his little fishies. Psycho Dave: Technically brine shrimp are branchiopods but I do love the resilience of them. Their eggs can be torn away from their home environment and stored away for years but as soon as the conditions are right they come crashing back to life much like white power in so many ways. Me: Uh what? The Amazing Boozehound: Dont let it phase you, but our beloved Dungeon Master is a bit of a white supremacist. He has been ever since he failed the firemans entrance exam. Me: Uh, What? Psycho Dave: Affirmative action cost me that job. Me: Well look at the time Weasly Crusher: We just got here

Me: Damn it.

The game started with character generation, I rolled up a simple dwarf fighter for a character and we got started. Psycho Dave had just started setting the scene when another player showed up. He was unshaved, dressed in raggedly clothes and smelled strongly of pirogues and cheap aftershave.

Johnny Tangent: What is that smell? It reminds me of a fire in a restaurant or clowns crying or something. Deviant Boy: El Disgusto! What the hell have you gotten yourself into? El Disgusto: Dont get in my face syphilis factory. I passed out while cooking and I got kind of saturated. Weasly Crusher: Then why didnt you just change your clothes? El Disgusto: Well Duh! Because my parents are on vacation with the dog and my bitch of a Mom didnt finish folding my laundry before she left. Me: Oh. El Disgusto: Youre in my spot newbie. Me: This is a couch. El Disgusto: No newbie. This is a love seat and even if I was not in a splayin frame of mind I would now be sitting on a love seat with a dude. Me: Ill be over here.

El Disgusto: Badass thy name is Disgusto Weasly Crusher: And thats the name of his character too. Me: El Disgusto? Weasly Crusher: No Badass. El Disgusto: Lord Baron Whoopass Von Baddass the first. Weasly Crusher: And my character is a thief named Nine Fingers Rodney. The Amazing Boozehound: My character is named Dean and he wields a mythral tankard! Johnny Tangent: And Im playing a fighter. The Amazing Boozehound: Pssst check your shirt. Johnny Tangent: Oh Im a bard? Deviant Boy: And I am playing a female fighter named Deb Sonia. She lives by the sword and has vowed she will remain a virgin until a man bests her in single combat. Me: Well thats not original but its an interesting concept. Deviant Boy: Of course since she has a Charisma 18 that means she has tons and tons of anal sex. Psycho Dave: Shall we start? The adventure begins when you all arrive at Castellan Keep at the base of the Altan Tepe mountains but question is do you arrive? Do you? Only my Pre-Mountaineering Random Event Generator can tell us for sure. Please get out a d8 and a d20.

I admit this wasnt the way I was used to playing the game but I felt I had to adapt, after all in the first game I ran we all played D&D versions of ourselves. My first Dungeon Master had us perform feats of endurance and strength to gauge where we fell in the 3-18 range, our Constitution was determined by holding our hand over an open flame. The more seconds you held it, the more points in Constitution you had, but inversely the less Wisdom points you had because you were, after all, burning your hand for a stupid game. Dice were rolled; charts and sub charts were consulted

The Amazing Boozehound: Damn frost weasels, well I am sure my pc didnt need that hand anyway. Johnny Tangent: Frostbite? Wow. That reminds me of that movie with Kurt Russell and the shape shifter that turned out to be that old man that was protecting the alien cocoons because he was friends with Mahoney from the police academy. I wonder how it ended Deviant Boy: It sure was lucky for my character to encounter that herd of snow sheep, I like the way my character was able to Me: Please for the love of God dont describe it again. Weasly Crusher: I am not sure I understand how my character ended up falling through a portal to the Sudetenland. How do I get back? Psycho Dave: You dont. Your character spends his entire life in a strange land he barely understands and dies alone and afraid. Weasly Crusher: So I just sit here then? Psycho Dave: Quietly please.

Me: So my character was mugged while walking along a glacier. Psycho Dave: Youre lucky that was all the ice negroes did to you. Me: Can you please not say crap like that? Psycho Dave: Say what? Me: That racist stuff. Its just creepy. Psycho Dave: Oh Im sorry I thought we had freedom of speech in this country. I didnt realize that only Oprah and the liberal groupmind could say whatever they wanted. Me: Look it's just mean and it adds nothing to the game. Psycho Dave: Weasly told me you were a writer so I thought you would be open minded. Me: Open minded to what? Psycho Dave: To differing viewpoints and ideas. I guess none of the stories you write will have characters with non touchy-feely points of view. Theyll probably hold hands and sway while talking about their love for puppies and kittens. Me: Look. If I ever do write a story that has a character with prejudiced views I will probably cringe the entire time and then drink a bottle of Robitussin to drown out the shame. Deviant Boy: Dont worry Ab3 once I unlock the secrets of the Unified Porn Theory humanity will learn to love each other again and again and again. El Disgusto: Blah blah blah. My ninja makes it to the keep with only a trail of bodies to mark his passing.

Me: Youre playing a ninja? El Disgusto: I said ninja didnt I? Me: You mean the ninja from the Dragon magazine article a few years back? El Disgusto: Yes. Me: I thought they were only supposed to be used as NPCs. El Disgusto: Damn newbie, you just dont know when to quit do you? Psycho Dave: Enough of this. Lets all get back to the tales of high adventure except you Weasly.

We spent a few hours having our characters meet up, explore the keep and buy new equipment. Our party decided to try and raid the nearby kobold lairs for easy treasure but first we needed to think about taking some precautions.

Me: No I dont mean those kind of precautions Deviant Boy.The Amazing Boozehound: Well none of us wanted to play a cleric. El Disgusto: Because Clerics are wussies. Johnny Tangent: A perm! Thats what I need. Deviant Boy: Well we could hire a cleric, maybe a Vestigial Virgin. Me: Thats not the way never mind. Lets just hire a cleric and get on with it. Deviant Boy: No wait. Whats wrong?

Me: Nothing really let's go on. Deviant Boy: You rolled your eyes, what were you rolling your eyes at? Me: Nothing. It's just that you said Vestigial Virgin when the term you were looking for is Vestal Virgin. Deviant Boy: Really? Are you sure? Me: Yup. I read it in my local library. Psycho Dave: Oh my God. You go to the LIBRARY? Me: Yes, of course. Psycho Dave: Librarians are fascists. Wesley Crusher: Oh no. Here we go. Me: Librarians are fascists. Ok. Since every moment I spend here I feel a little stupider lets just go for it. What is wrong with libraries? El Disgusto: Well duh. They make you get a library card. Me: Yes. So you can check out books. Which is what libraries are. Theyre places where you can borrow books for free as long as you have a library card. Johnny Tangent: They have drinking fountains in libraries. Psycho Dave: Well the problem we have with libraries is the whole library card issue. El Disgusto: They automatically assume youre a criminal. Me: Im not understanding this.

Psycho Dave: Ok look. The library card is a way they can track you right? Me: Yes so they know where to find you if you dont return the books you borrow. Psycho Dave: So since they make everyone get a library card theyre assuming that everyone that walks into the library is a criminal. El Disgusto: The honor system should be enough. Me: The honor system? Psycho Dave: The people that steal books are going to steal books anyway El Disgusto: We sure are. Psycho Dave: the only thing a library card does is inconvenience honest people and allow the government to track the number of people reading Fanny Hill vs the number of people reading Mien Kampf. Me: Im stunned. The Amazing Boozehound: I cant feel my fingertips. Someone else is going to have to map. El Disgusto: Newbie does it. The Amazing Boozehound: Newbie does it. Johnny Tangent: Hey Im wearing a Night Ranger T-shirt! Wesley Crusher: I could map.

Psycho Dave: No you cant youre not here. Wesley Crusher: Oh.

So I started mapping, tracking our party and its NPC Cleric as we made our way through lizard man territory into the Caves of Chaos. Everything went fine until we encountered a certain pit trap.

Me: OK the pit sealed up trapping the Cleric inside, I think we can rescue him if we get some ropes and daggers and El Disgusto: No were moving on. Me: But El Disgusto: First of all its an NPC and second of all, the Cleric did all its heals for the day so who cares? Me: But the members of the Church of G. Gordon Liddy will want to know what happened. Johnny Tangent: But theres treasure and combat awaiting. Me: Look I like to think you would rescue my character if this was No, you wouldnt would you? The Amazing Boozehound: Its every man for himself Ab3.

The party moved on and I tried to ignore the imaginary cries of the imaginary non player character trapped forever in a make believe pit but sometimes in the dead of night it still haunts me. We moved on, fighting kobold after kobold until we reached the heart of their lair.

Everyone was diving for treasure, trying out magic items at random.

Deviant Boy: All right. Wand of wonder! Ill be playing with this baby all night. El Disgusto: Ah a bag of holding. All I need to find now is a folding boat and a shambling mound and my mega-weapon will be complete. The Amazing Boozehound: I love mixing potions. What size and alignment am I now? Johnny Tangent: All I found was this Wand of Orcus thing. Who wants to trade? Me: Ok guys I think I found a secret door. Psycho Dave: Very good roll to unlock it nice roll Ab3. Me: Thanks El Disgusto: We shove Ab3s character through the door first. Me: What? Psycho Dave: You find yourself alone in a swastika shaped treasure room Me: Oh look at the time! I really have to go. Ive got to get up for church in a few hours. Wesley Crusher: But its a Tuesday. Me: Shut up. Were out of here.

Psycho Dave walked us down the stairs and through the empty lower level of his house.

Psycho Dave: Well thanks for coming. Hope you had fun and learned something. Weasly Crusher: Same time next week right? Psycho Dave: As always. Me: I dont know if I can be here next week. I mean I used to role play but I just dont think this is the hobby for me any more. Psycho Dave: Oh. I see. Well it was nice to meet you then. Me: Yeah thanks.

Weasly Crusher and I made our way out to the car and I thought to myself that it was time to jump back into the thick of things. It was time to finish college and get back into the dating world. I certainly didnt need to be wasting the precious moments of my life doing this any longer. Oh yeah. Thats what I thought but we all know things turned out differently.

RPG.NET rant #20 The Prequel Trilogy II: The Dead Guy Gets The Pizzas

originally posted to RPG.net on 12-29-2007, 11:07 AM WARNING THE FOLLOWING MAY OFFEND PEOPLE OF HOBGOBLIN-

AMERICAN HERITAGE, CLERICS AND SHOPPING CART THIEVES. Her name was Mary, Mary Celeste, and she had alluring eyes, an intoxicating figure and a high pitched squeal of a laugh that could knock birds out of the sky. But hey no ones 100% perfect so I asked her out. She agreed, we exchanged numbers and planned to meet for dinner that Friday. I got a new shirt, a new tie and a few dabs of a cologne called Midnight Surrender. Oh yeah I was ready. Too bad she never showed up. I waited for about half an hour then called her place with no answer, so I went back to the bar. By the fourth hour of doing this with still no word from her I began to realize that I had been stood up; ironically however I was at that point too damn drunk to stand. Saturday morning I woke up with a bruised ego and a killer hangover but I promised myself that I would find out what went wrong, but first I had to figure out what part of town I was in, who had handcuffed me to the shopping cart and why my underpants were on outside my pants. When I called Mary she apologized profusely and explained she had thought the date was for tonight. I told her that was fine by me and I made sure I was back at the restaurant an hour early this time. As you can imagine the staff was a little surprised to see me again and they made me promise not to engage in any further drunken displays of anger and interpretive dance. I promised. So I stayed alcohol free as one hour of waiting became two and then three. Each time I called her house there was no answer. Suddenly my life had become a Genesis song.

Discouraged and disheartened I turned to the hardest intoxicant I knew for solace- Dungeons & Dragons. I found Psycho Daves house easily and got there just in time to rejoin the game. Psycho Dave: Welcome back. The other players have only slightly looted your characters belongings. Me: Well now that Im here Im sure I can get them back. El Disgusto: The only way your character gets his stuff back from my ninja is if he can survive the five challenges of death. Those challenges being his fingers curled into a fist. Me: Fine then. El Disgusto: Meaning of course that he could kill you with his bare hands. Me: I got that. El Disgusto: His. Bare. Hands. Me: Why do you still smell like aftershave and perogies? Havent you changed your clothes since last week? El Disgusto: I just got Pool of Radiance for my Amiga so Ive been busy. Me: Too busy to change your clothes? You can pause those games you know. El Disgusto: The question for you newbie is will you be able to pause

the bleeding? Will you? Me: Wow. That is either the worst Clint Eastwood or best Snake Plisken impersonation Ive ever heard. Psycho Dave: Please find a seat so we can get started. We are going to order some take out later. Me: Mind if I sit here? Deviant Boy: Its a free country. Me: Thanks. Deviant Boy: What is that cologne youre wearing? Me: Uhm its called, Midnight Surrender. Deviant Boy: Awesome, you know if I was a chick I would be totally wet for you now. Me: Hey Weasly! Mind if I sit by you?

Psycho Dave had the top off of his crystal shuttlecraft/fish tank; he sprinkled food in to the Sea Monkeys as he waited for us to get settled down. I noticed there was someone new at the table.

Me: Oh, I dont think weve been introduced. Cheating Bastard: Nice to meet you. Im Cheating Bastard. Me: They call me Ab3.

El Disgusto: But do they call you Ab3? Do they really? I doubt it. Me: What is your problem? Cheating Bastard: El Disgusto hasnt been the same since they canceled that Lee van Cleef TV series. Me: Uh ok. El Disgusto: Besides one more player means less treasure and glory for the rest of us. Weasly Crusher: But theres strength in numbers. The Amazing Boozehound: You know what theres strength in? That mesh they have in the back of the police cars that keeps you from touching the officer. Me: So, where is Johnny Tangent? Weasly Crusher: Well the Monkees came to town on their reunion tour so Johnny decided to follow them cross country. Me: That is utterly insane Psycho Dave: I thought so too. Me: I mean Mike Nesmith isnt even with the touring band.

The game picked up pretty much where we had left off, deep in the Caves of Chaos, deep in Kobold territory.

Weasly Crusher: This new character of mine is much better then the

old one. Im glad you found him chained to a wall in the swastika shaped treasure room. Me: Yeah and we found new weapons and armor better then the old ones. Cheating Bastard: Who wants a plus one sword? My character already has one. El Disgusto: If its not a katana its not really a plus anything. Me: How did your character start with a plus one sword and MY GOD look at those stats! Cheating Bastard: Thank you. Me: Eighteen everything? Cheating Bastard: The dice were kind. Me: Im speechless. Psycho Dave: Your characters make your way out of the treasure room back into the dungeon. Can I have your marching orders please? El Disgusto: The newbies go up front. I do my best work in the shadows. Me: I think thats how you photograph best too. Deviant Boy: I keep both hands on my wand of wonder. The Amazing Boozehound: My wizard ties a rope to his familiar and begins to swing it around like a flail.

Weasly Crusher: That poor kitty. Psycho Dave: A group of kobolds attacks you. Everyone roll

The combat was brief but bloody, my dwarf made the best of his combat modifiers, until he was standing atop a mound of dead kobolds his armor and weapons gleaming with the blood of his enemies. Cheating bastard waded into the mass of the kobold horde, his claymore sweeping aside six at a time, those that werent cleaved in half were sent crashing into the nearby cave walls. Every once in a while El Disgustos ninja would leap out of the shadows, miss what he was aiming at and then retreat sneering back into the darkness. Even Weasly Crusher scored several kills before his sword broke; the blade tumbled free of its hilt, tumbling end over end until it severed the rope tied to the tail of the Amazing Boozehounds cat. Then it was the cats turn to go flying through the air and it struck Deviant Boys female human fighter in the back. This in turn caused Deb Sonia to fumble with the wand of wonder and cast a large fireball into the wall that then rebounded back on all of us.

Weasly Crusher: Wow that was a lot of damage. I have like one hit point left. Me: All our treasure melted, all our equipment burned El Disgusto: How could Von Badass be hurt? He was in the shadows, you cant touch a ninja in the shadows. Psycho Dave: Fireball spells in enclosed spaces are the great equalizer. The Amazing Boozehound: All my robes and spell books are gone.

Does my character still have his hip flask of holding? Psycho Dave: Sorry. The Amazing Boozehound: There is no God. Cheating Bastard: Well at least I and all my equipment made their saving throws, Me: I want to use your dice for a day. Cheating Bastard: Not a chance. Ive got them just how I like them. Deviant Boy: I still cant believe that Deb Sonia would have allowed a wand go off prematurely in her hand like that. Me: Do you have sex on the brain or something? Deviant Boy: Well let me answer that by saying The Amazing Boozehound: Oh no, you got him started, someone fix me a drink! Deviant Boy: it is very simple, I believe if you dont have sex on the brain there is something wrong with you. Sex is the inspiration and end result of all of humanities efforts. Why do men seek fame and fortune? To get laid. Why do professional athletes risk their long term health for the sake of a game? To get laid? Why is there any kind of art in the world at all? So doofy guys can get laid. Desire for sex, fear of sex and even failure to get sex is at the heart of everything. Me: That is a little goofy if you ask me. El Disgusto: If thats true then why are any of us here playing role playing games? Its not going to get any of us laid.

Deviant Boy: Ah but the reason any of us is here is because we cant get laid and have nothing better to do. El Disgusto: Up yours. I had a girlfriend. Me: Oh come on. You? El Disgusto: Yeah we met in the SCA but I had to let her go. A stallions gotta roam free. Me: Ow my brain! My beautiful brain! Deviant Boy: I have a theory I am researching, I call it the Unified Porn Theory. I believe that if we can create a single erotic image that appeals to everyone it will trigger world peace. Psycho Dave: Ive always said that your mind dwells in a realm somewhere between the realms of Larry Flynt and Isaac Asimov. Me: Anyone else have any crazy ideas theyd like to share before we get back to the game? Deviant Boy: Laugh now but you wont be laughing in ten years when America is involved in a series of wars across the globe. Youll say to yourself Damn, that guy with the huge honking Johnson was right! Me: No I wont because youre crazy. Deviant Boy: All you have to do is study erotic imagery and it becomes so obvious. Take a look at the porno films being made in Europe and Japan now. In the majority of them the money shot is created by the woman bringing the man to climax one way or another

Me: Why are we having this discussion? Deviant Boy: Now hear me out Ab3 The modern American porno film is a different animal. Most of the time it is the man who finishes himself off for the money shot. Now there is so much more going on at the heart of these images than women being sprayed with love gravy. Why is the American porn film so different? Because these are the subconscious signs of a nation afraid of losing its sovereignty, a nation so unwilling to surrender control of itself that if cant even bear to see a man surrender control of his veiny-love banger to the actress performing with him in a triple X rated movie. That my friends is a sign of a nation on the brink. Me: Oh. My. God. Weasly Crusher: Youre lucky. When he told us about his theory he had slides. Some mild shouting from Psycho Dave got us back on track, our gravely wounded characters gingerly made their way back out of the dungeon and made camp for the night.

Deviant Boy: I hope we dont get any encounters tonight. If we do were finished. Me: Yeah its too bad we didnt leave our cleric to die in a pit trap last session. El Disgusto: If his god had wanted him to live he would have gotten him out of there. Psycho Dave: Clerics are the red shirts of the D&D system. Always have been.

Me: I dont think thats fair. Psycho Dave: Then why arent you playing one? Me: Well I dont know Deviant Boy: Im hungry. I thought we were getting pizza. El Disgusto: Sounds good to me. The Amazing Boozehound: And wings! El Disgusto: Even better. Psycho Dave: Well its more expensive if we have it delivered, one of you should go get the food. The Amazing Boozehound: Well I cant drive, Im drunk. Psycho Dave: The DM shouldnt have to drive in these situations. Cheating Bastard: Well I drove in with El Disgusto. El Disgusto: Bad enough Im chipping in for pizza, now way am I wasting gas too. Weasly Crusher: Well I suppose I could go. Me: Nah Im the new guy. Ill go. Weasly Crusher: No. You barely know the neighborhood Ill go. Me: No really I think El Disgusto: Weaslys character has like one hit point right? I kill him.

Psycho Dave: OK roll to hit. Me: Wait? What? Weasly Crusher: But he was almost second level Psycho Dave: Weasly your character is dead, since there are no clerics nearby you may add your character sheet to the binder of shame. Me: What the Hell just happened here? El Disgusto: Its called Dead guy gets the pizza, he was going to slow us down and die anyway so I just streamlined things. Besides this way waiting for him wont slow down play. Cheating Bastard: Tough break Weasly. The Amazing Boozehound: Later dude. I feel like I hardly knew the character you were playing this session. Deviant Boy: Tough break again. Wesley Crusher: Oh well. Lets everyone chip in and Ill head off. El Disgusto: Didnt I say Dead guy GETS the pizza? I know for a fact youve got plenty of cash. Wesley Crusher: But thats the money I need to uses to buy my insulin tomorrow. Me: You know I have a few bucks right here El Disgusto: For Gods sake am I the only person here that knows

how to be a man? Weasly go get the food. Trust me if you are going to let a little thing like diabetes effect your health then you were never meant to live anyway. Weasly Crusher: Well ok. Me: What exactly is a Binder of Shame? And why is it so large? Psycho Dave: Every D&D game has many binders but each D&D game must have a Binder of Shame and a Binder of Glory. The player characters that die heroic deaths are saved forever in the page protectors of the Binder of Glory. The characters that suffer, humiliating, soul-crushing deaths go into the Binder of Shame. Its a sign of quality GMing to have a Binder of Shame three times the size of your Binder of Glory. Once Weasly had left on his errand the game was on its way again. Our characters made it through the night with only one casualty- that being Weaslys thief. When it was my watch I removed the body of Nine Fingers Rodney from the tree he had been tied to so El Disgustos ninja could have shuriken practice and buried him out in the woods. When the morning came we discovered we had a visitor.

Psycho Dave: And the cleric of the Church of G. Gordon Liddy asks to speak with the party. He has questions. Cheating Bastard: Sure well tell him whatever he wants to know, after the rest of my team gets some cure light wounds. El Disgusto: Your team? I though we were going to be Force Whoopass from Greyhawk.

Me: Wouldnt something like that first entail your character telling us his name. El Disgusto: You losers dont deserve to know his name! Psycho Dave: The cleric heals your party and then asks you if about the cleric you hired a few days ago. Apparently the members of the church are very worried he isnt going to make it back alive. The Amazing Boozehound: Heh-heh what cleric? Me: Did we even get that clerics name before we left him to die? Deviant Boy: It was Derek. Me: Derek the cleric? Cheating Bastard: I tell this guy what was his name again? Psycho Dave: His name is Eric. Me: Eric the cleric? El Disgusto: Why even give NPCs names? Cheating Bastard: I tell Eric that we sent Derek ahead to scout for giant turtle eggs and that he should come along with us if he wants to meet him. The Amazing Boozehound: Cool weve got a new cleric!

And so we marched on, making our way back to Castellan Keep with what remained of our treasure and our dignity. Imagine our surprise when we found a small village of hobgoblins blocking our path.

Me: Im just thinking we would have noticed something like this the first time through. Cheating Bastard: I dont even think I could fight an entire village of hobgoblins and live. El Disgusto: Looks like Ill have the cripple the party so I can make my escape. Ill start with the cleric!

El Disgustos ninja was in mid-crippling when one of the hobgoblins noticed us an approached. I dont think Erol Otis ever imagined hobgoblins like this. Psycho Dave: Now the hobgoblins approached you, speaking in a guttural version of the Common tongue. You can see already that they arent wearing armor but are wearing multi-colored fabrics and wide shapeless knit caps on their heads. The lead hobgoblin says, Hey mon, whatchoo be doin wandering around outside of our village mon? Me: Rastafarian hobgoblins? Youve got to be kidding. Psycho Dave: The hobgoblin leader continues, We dont want to be fightin you nohow mon. We just live here bein mellow mon and guarding the treasure. Hey! Why you be crippling that cleric mon? El Disgusto: I give Eric the cleric his leg back and ask the hobgoblin to tell me more about this treasure. Psycho Dave: The lead hobgoblin explains, It be a Deck of Many Things. Someone traded it to us for some ganja and now we charge people one gold piece to draw a card. It beats workin mon.

Me: All right these are mean spirited and hateful stereotypes. El Disgusto: What have you got hobgoblins in your family Ab3? Me: No and thats not the point the point is that stereotypes are the language of hate. The Amazing Boozehound: And Miller is the champagne of beers! Cheating Bastard: I give the hobgoblin chief a gold piece and ask him if I can draw from the deck of many things. Deviant Boy: Oh me too. The Amazing Boozehound: My gold piece is kind of melty. El Disgusto: Me too. Are you going along too Ab3? Me: Im still kind of upset over these hobgoblins and besides a deck of many things is a party killer. El Disgusto: I knew youd wussy out. Me: Im not oh all right Im in. Psycho Dave: The hobgoblin chief says, Well come on then mon. And he leads you to a hut in the middle of the encampment. Me: What about Eric the cleric? Psycho Dave: Oh hes bled out by now. El Disgusto: Some cleric he turned out to be.

The Amazing Boozehound: Hey someones coming up the driveway. Me: Oh good that must be- Psycho Dave: Lights out! Everyone quiet!

And with that the lights went out in the room and everyone crouched on the floor.

Me: What the hell is this? Psycho Dave: Whispers. Only whispers until we hear the knock. Me: Its Weasly with the pizza isnt it? Psycho Dave: We cant be too sure. This isnt this isnt exactly my house. Me: Wha- what? Psycho Dave: I moved out of parents house but the whole rent thing didnt work out for me. Luckily my grandfather had a debilitating stroke and his house has been empty for months while my family argues what to do with it. Me: They dont know youre here? Psycho Dave: Well that would kind of scupper the whole rent-free thing wouldnt it? Cheating Bastard: Its Weasly. Psycho Dave: Ok get the food and send him home.

Me: Send him home? El Disgusto: His character is dead what else is he going to do? Hang around and stare moonily into your bald spot? Me: Im not

They got the pizza and sent Weasly Crusher home. I once again asked myself what the hell I was doing here. Bad as the dating scene might be at least there I had a chance to get a kiss once in a while. The again with Deviant Boy you never really could be sure about that either. Once we were done eating each member of the party drew a card from the deck of many things.

The Amazing Boozehound: Minus one on all saving throws. That stinks. Cheating Bastard: Awesome, a castle of my own and another positive modifier for my diplomacy skill. Deviant Boy: Imprisoned? Do I at least get a cell mate? El Disgusto: A 4th level fighter for a follower? That sucks. Im a ninjadeath in black pajamas. Ninjas dont have followers. How many XP do I get if I kill him? Me: All my magic weapons disappear? Well I didnt have any. Psycho Dave: Well I think this is as good a place as any to leave off until next week. Can everyone be here?

Cheating Bastard: Ill get here early so I can mock Weasly as he rolls up his new character. We can all hang out at my new castle. El Disgusto: Ill be here. Dont you worry about that. Deviant Boy: As long as we keep getting together on Saturdays Im good. Just remember Friday nights are for just me, Mr. Pibbs and Cinemax after dark. The Amazing Boozehound: Im intoxicated at the very thought. Psycho Dave: And what about you Ab3? Me: I Im not sure. I think well have to play it by ear. I was determined to make sure I had something better to do, even if it was trolling the singles bars with my non-gaming friend Kid Snotrocket. This wasnt fun, this wasnt good times; all I was doing was adding another page to my own personal Binder of Shame.

RPG.NET rant #21 The Prequel Trilogy III: All Hands On Dec

originally posted to RPG.net on 02-28-2008, 07:31 PM ATTENTION: PREQUELS ARE USUALLY BAD, THIRD PARTS OF TRILOGIES ARE USUALY BAD SO THIS MAY BE DOUBILY UPSETTING FOR SOME PEOPLE BUT I PROMISE THAT THIS PARTICULAR PART THREE WILL BE REMARKABLY FREE OF THUNDERDOMES, EWOKS AND ALIEN SYMBIOTE INDUCED DISCO DANCING. There is a simple science experiment we all did in grade school where

you fill a pie tin with water, put some pepper in the water and let it float around a little. Then you get a bar of soap and dip it in one end of the water and the change in surface tension drives all the pepper to the other side. I am sure you remember it. Well if you can imagine the pie tin of water as a upscale dance club, the pepper as chicks of varying hotness and me as the soap you will have a good idea what the singles scene was like for the Wild One, Kid Snotrocket and myself. Perhaps that was why I found myself deciding to forgo shaking my groove thing on ladies night and instead got my dice bag and pencils and headed over to Psycho Daves. When I got there Psycho Dave had the top of his shuttlecraft-shaped fishbowl open and he was feeding his little pets. Me: Hey Dave how are the little critters? Psycho Dave: Theyre not little critters, theyre Brine Shrimp. Me: Sea Monkeys Brine Shrimp whats the difference? Psycho Dave: Using one name instead of the other allows your characters to avoid random limb loss. Weasly Crusher: He means it. He really does. Me: Hey Weasly, how have you been doing? Weasly Crusher: Ok I guess. Me: Still looking for a new college? Weasly Crusher: I think Im going to take a semester or two off and wait for this whole thing to blow over.

I should take a moment to explain that Weasly had recently been

expelled from college due to a freak accident involving a moped with faulty brakes, a Take Back The Night rally and an inflatable bath pillow.

Cheating Bastard: Who needs college? They expelled me because I happened to have some test answers hidden in my socks. I mean if cheating is good enough for Captain James T Kirk then it should be good enough for SUNY Albany. Psycho Dave: Truer words were never spoken. Give your character 5,000 experience points. The Amazing Boozehound: Sheesh. Who do I have to screw to get a few levels for my character. Deviant Boy: You know The Amazing Boozehound: Ive got mace!

We started to get out a dice, pencils and character sheets ready. I noticed that one of our group was missing but before I could comment on it El Disgusto came trundling up the stairs. He was sweat stained and streaked with grime.

El Disgusto: Not one word. The Amazing Boozehound: We were just wondering what happened. If you have the flu I could drink to your health. El Disgusto: I never get sick. My body is a flawless machine. Me: I dunno it smells like youre burning oil there El Disgusto: Shut up newbie! And for your information my parents made me moveInto the basement because they felt the damn dog

needed more room. I hate that dog. Psycho Dave: I am sure you all remember, except for the Amazing Boozehound of course, that we left off last week with you all recovering from your last adventure in the castle owned by Cheating Bastards fighter Olaf. Cheating Bastard: Actually its his summer castle remember? Psycho Dave: How could I forget? Now as I said you are all recovering from your injuries, or waiting for Deviant Boys character Deb Sonia to make her way back to the party. Me: I thought she was imprisoned. Deviant Boy: She was but Psycho Dave and I roleplayed her escape over the phone while I was at work. I wrote up a story about it and made copies for all of you. El Disgusto: You expect me to read something you wrote? As if Lord Baron Whoopass Von Baddass didnt loathe the rest of the party enough. Cheating Bastard: Ill just file it back here in my folder with these court summonses. Me: Well I for one look forward to reading this, I think that creative writing is always a AAAAAAAGH!!! What is this? What is this? Deviant Boy: Oh sorry. That is for my Unified Porn Theory project. I dont know how it got stapled in there. Me: Its its Deviant Boy: Yeah it isnt quite perfected yet. Me: Its a picture of a green skinned large breasted elf chick dressed

like a Catholic Schoolgirl and shes peeing on Mayor McCheese! Deviant Boy: Yeah but its missing something isnt it? Maybe if it was two elf chicks Me: I I can taste bile The Amazing Boozehound: Do you have those in wallet size? Psycho Dave: And regardless of any of this a slightly more bedraggled than usual Deb Sonja arrives at Olafs summer castle, Deviant Boy: Deb Sonja warmly greets all her old friends what was your dwarven fighters name again Ab3? Me: Thad his name was Thad. Deviant Boy: She greets Olaf and Thad and the wizard Dean The Amazing Boozehound: Cheers! Deviant Boy: and Lord Baron Whoopass Von Badass the first. El Disgusto: Im a ninja! How did you see me? How did you see me? Out of character knowledge! Me: Yeah just stay behind the tapestries with Polonius Weasly Crusher: I made another thief named Worrell is he there? Psycho Dave: Not yet. Me: How did we all get back together again after the Deck of Many Things debacle? Cheating Bastard: I used some of the wishes from one of my rings of

wishing. Me: One of the? Weasly Crusher: I just dont see why you couldnt have wished my old character alive again. El Disgusto: Because he was lame. Cheating Bastard: Sorry pal but it was either save your character or have my castle made from pure Adamantium . The choice was obvious. Me: you what? The Amazing Boozehound: Its awesome the portcullis goes Shnik! and everything! Psycho Dave: One of your palace guards sounds the alert a lone rider is approaching. Weasly Crusher: Ok my character is riding Psycho Dave: Shhhhh. Not yet. El Disgusto: I get ready to backstab whoever it is. Cheating Bastard: I call the palace guard to arms! The Amazing Boozehound: Im too busy in my room studying up on brewing. Deviant Boy: My character follows everyone else to the gate to see what the commotion is. She draws her blade, comforted by the rigid steel in her hand. Me: I go along too.

Psycho Dave: The lone rider draws up to the gate Weasly Crusher: My character Psycho Dave: SHHHHHH! The rider has dark curly hair and a prodigious nose, he wears flowing Gandalf robes covered with kabbalic symbols. He says I heard there were adventurers here looking for adventure instead all I see is a bunch of archers and a closed gate. Oy! Me Why are you doing a Jackie Mason impression? And a bad one at that? Psycho Dave: The lone rider says, Who is this Jackie Mason mashugina? Never heard of him- should I have heard of him- why would I heard of him? My name is Apollo, Apolllo Dec. Oy! Cheating Bastard: I ask this eccentric person why he has come seeking The League of Adventuring Adventurers. Me: We have a team name now? Weasly Crusher: If they had had one more wish spell we would have had team jackets. The Amazing Boozehound: Adamantium-lines team jackets. The zippers would have gone Shnik! and everything! Psycho Dave: Apollo Dec says The League of Adventuring Adventurers what a name I guess that would mean you are up for an adventure. Is adventure what youre up for? Oy! Me: Please stop doing that. Psycho Dave: Doing what? Me: Ending every sentence with Oy!. Its anti-Semitic.

Psycho Dave: What are you talking about there a no Jews in Greyhawk. Me: This is a base stereotype it you were a Jewish comedian this might be funny but all youre doing is taking the game to a dark place. The Amazing Boozehound: Man you wouldve flipped out when we met up with that all Drow Minstrel show. Deviant Boy: Smoke break! The Amazing Boozehound: Im with you. Psycho Dave: Take it outside gentlemen, I dont want any smoke stains hurting the resale value of this place. Deviant Boy: Why it belongs to your parents not you. Psycho Dave: Theyre not gonna live forever are they?

Deviant Boy and The Amazing Boozehound headed downstairs to smoke. For a little while it was quiet, Psycho Dave was going over his 5 pages of critical hit tables, Weasly Crusher was his newly painted Halfling mini with a palpable aura of anticipation and Cheating Bastard was doodling on the borders of his character sheet. We would only find out later that he was adding things to his inventory. Finally I said something, I had to.

Me: Psycho Dave, I just dont get your racism. Psycho Dave: Well what I dont get is quotas and special treatment in a country where everyone is supposed to have an equal chance.

Me: Those things are because of the discrimination that used to be so prevalent- Psycho Dave: Yes! Used to be prevalent- Why should my people have to pay for the sins of a previous generation? Its reverse racism thats what it is! Me: No its not. Psycho Dave: Its like how this country is all hot and bothered for 2 Live Crews free speech rights but if I try to hold a white power rally at a Star Trek convention suddenly theres some liberal in a Gorn costume kicking me in the testicles. Me: Yeah and thats another thing how can you be racist and a Star Trek fan Star Trek is all about different races and cultures learning to work together to explore space. Psycho Dave: No thats only what stupid people think Star Trek is about. Me: Huh? Psycho Dave: Yes Star Trek is about Star Trek is all about different races and cultures learning to work together to explore space under the command of a virile white man. Under the command of James T Kirk all races and cultures know their place. I dont understand how so many people could have missed such an important part of the series. Me: Wow. Crazy talk off the starboard bow. All this because you got passed over to be a fireman? Psycho Dave: Think about it. Think about how every time we are shown a black admiral or black captain in the series or in the movies they are shown to be blisteringly incompetent? Jim Kirk has to ride in to save the day, taking precious time off from spreading he seed to all the lesser races of the galaxy. Take a look at Fleet Admiral Cartwright

in Star Trek IV We cant survive without the sun! How stupid can you get? Me: But in the Next Generation Psycho Dave: I dont discuss the Next Generation its not canon. Me: What do you mean its a continuation they had Bones and Klingons in it and Psycho Dave: Its Not. Canon.

About this time The Amazing Boozehound and Deviant Boy came back, they were cackling conspiratorially. A glare and a rattling of dice from Psycho Dave got them back to the gaming table and into character. The League of Adventuring Adventurers had a dinner meeting with Apollo Dec; the Yiddish wizard, my character, Deb, Olaf and Dean at a sumptuous meal served on adamantium dinnerware that went Shnik! at the slightest provocation. Lord Baron Whoopass Von Baddass hid beneath the table, occasionally stealing a dinner roll and cursing at us. We could only assume Weaslys character was on his way. It turned out that Apollo Dec was in possession of a map that gave the location of five treasure hordes that happened to be nearby. He promised us an even share of the loot if we helped him. He also promised to tell the Amazing Boozehounds character of a place where he could get his robes wholesale.

Psycho Dave: So you guys gear up and head out. Apollo Dec leads the way on his noble charger. The Amazing Boozehound: My character asks him what kind of spells he specializes in, maybe we could trade a few. Psycho Dave: He says to you, What do I look like a spellbook to you?

Buy your spells like everyone else but I know a scribe who can get you a good rate if you buy in bulk. Oy! Me: Sigh. Psycho Dave: Your party makes surprisingly good time but you have to camp for the night. El Disgusto: I lace my daggers with paralyzing poison, The next giant beaver that takes a shot at my character is going to be sorry. Cheating Bastard: My character takes first watch. Psycho Dave: Lets roll for random encounters you are in luck. A wandering goddess gives you a The Amazing Boozehound: A quest? El Disgusto: A katana? Deviant Boy: A handjob? Me: Sheesh, why not all of the above? Psycho Dave: Hmmmm I like that Ab3 I really do. Ok Cheating Bastard you are given a vorpral blade that magically homes in on a particular body part. The goddess Solanas tells you the sword is called Groinsplitter. There are two sister swords Nadcleaver and Cockslayerperhaps someday you will encounter them. Me: Somewhere Fred Saberhagen is weeping. Deviant Boy: I take second watch. Psycho Dave: Ok lets roll for your encounter Me: You know just because the Dungeon Masters guide has random

encounter tables doesnt mean you have to use them for every waking hour of a player characters life. Psycho Dave: Oh sure youre not supposed to Ab3. Next thing you know youll be telling us that BIRTH OF A NATION wasnt a documentary. Me: oy. Weasly Crusher: Ab3 why are you pinching your eyes like that? Psycho Dave: Deviant Boy, Deb Sonia has no encounters during her watch. Next up is the Amazing Boozehound during your watch a wandering Paladin wanders up to the campsite. The Amazing Boozehound: I make sure there are no open containers. Psycho Dave: The paladin introduces himself as Rey-Gunn, he is old but very noble in bearing. He asks you if you are The League of Adventuring Adventurers. The Amazing Boozehound: I say Hell yeah! Psycho Dave: He explains that he is a knight of the holy order of Lovitar and he would like to know whatever happened to the two clerics you hired to travel with you. The Amazing Boozehound: Oh? Oh them? I tell him that we sent them ahead. Psycho Dave: Do you now? The Amazing Boozehound: I mean we left them behind at the castle where its safer. Psycho Dave: He asks were the castle is.

The Amazing Boozehound: I give him directions to the Caves of Chaos. Psycho Dave: He rides off but not before telling you to be careful. He tells you that groups of looters are rampant in these parts and no one is safe. Now Ab3 during your watch your character must make a saving throw versus magic. Me: For what? Psycho Dave: Who knows? Maybe for nothing. Me: Fine. Psycho Dave: And you have rolled a spectacular failure Ab3. Thad the dwarf falls asleep on watch and wakes up to find his head is a giant piece of broccoli.

I began to laugh hysterically, then I realized he was serious.

Me: My head is a what? Psycho Dave: A giant piece of broccoli. Me: Why? Psycho Dave: Its magic. Me: But why? What happened? Psycho Dave: A spell was cast on you and you failed your save vs. magic. Me: I mean is my head still flesh that looks like a giant piece of

broccoli or is it actual vegetable matter somehow grafted to the flesh of my neck? How can I see? How can I breathe? Psycho Dave: its magic, I dont have to explain it. El Disgusto: Serves you right for falling asleep on watch. I take watch next, making sure to hide in the shadows. I am sure Baron Von Whoopass and thinking to himself how proud his master sensi would have been if Baron Von Whoopass hadnt been forced to kill him. Deviant Boy: Oooooo backstory! El Disgusto: And by forced I mean felt like it. Psycho Dave: While your character is on watch El Disgusto he spies a halfling approaching the camp. El Disgusto: I throw my dagger at whoever it is. Psycho Dave: All right then. Weasly, roll to save vs. the paralysis poison on the dagger. Weasly Crusher: But but Psycho Dave: Ah another failed save. Weaslys new character collapses outside the campsite. His name was Worrel wasnt it? Weasly Crusher: Yes. Psycho Dave: Well he only took 2 points of damage so aside from that and the paralysis hes doing all right. El Disgusto: I cut a long sturdy branch from one of the trees and tie him to it.

And that was how our part ended up being a dwarven fighter with a piece of broccoli for a head, a chick in a chainmail bikini, two wizards, the luckiest fighter in the world and a ninja brandishing the dreaded halfling on a stick. Apollo Dec lead us to the first treasure horde. It was guarded buy a number of savage hobgoblins that we managed to dispatch with relative ease, many skulls were crushed and even more groins were cleaved. We were going over the treasure when The Amazing Boozehound and Deviant Boy excused themselves again. Deviant Boy: Smoke break! The Amazing Boozehound: All right! Me: When did you start smoking? Deviant Boy: Its a very sexy habit. You know if a woman blows cigarette smoke in your face it means she wants to bang you. El Disgusto: Does it matter if it comes out of her mouth or her neckhole? Deviant Boy: Be back in five. El Disgusto: Come on lets go through the treasure. Weasly Crusher: Can my character move yet? Psycho Dave: It hasnt been 24 hours yet has it? Me: Maybe we shouldnt be letting the ninja use a player character on a stick as a hand to hand weapon. El Disgusto: You think you can stop me broccoli head? Psycho Dave: Well Weasly still has almost half his hit points left so he shouldnt be whining so much.

Cheating Bastard: Can we just divvy up the treasure? El Disgusto: broccoli head Psycho Dave: Sure you search through the dozens of treasure chests and loot bags and the only thing of value you find is a single gold nugget. Me: One gold nugget? We came all this way for one gold nugget? Cheating Bastard: Is it a big gold nugget? Psycho Dave: Apollo says Well waddya know! Those monsters must have melted the gold down and sold it? Whoda thunk it? Well the next location will have more treasure Im sure. Oy! El Disgusto: broccoli head Me: Far be it from me to question the leadership of the League of Adventuring Adventurers but maybe this whole mission is a bust. Maybe we could go back home and see if we can find a way to make my head stop looking like it belongs in a side salad. Cheating Bastard: Now come on Ab3. This is Dungeons and Dragons in the true Gygaxian tradition. If they player characters dont find themselves mutilated, gender swapped and drained of life levels how will they ever know they truly earned that treasure? Me: What treasure? You mean the nugget?

Soon enough Deviant Boy and the Amazing Boozehound returned from their smoke break relaxed and glassy eyed. Our party soldiered on to the second treasure hoard and we found ourselves fighting a small army of orcs. Again we defeated them with little difficulty, especially once Apollo Dec had summoned a squad of elementals to back us up.

We tended our wounds, or in the case of Weasly mourned the loss of fingers and then started divvying up the treasure again.

El Disgusto: broccoli head Psycho Dave: The treasure chests contain scraps of rusty metal and old clothes but aside from that all you find is a silver nugget. Me: Again with the nuggets! All we need to do is find a bronze one and we can have the D&D Olympics Weasly Crusher: Please dont set my character on fire again. A non flaming halfling does just as much blunt damage as a non flaming one. Deviant Boy: Heh. He said blunt. The Amazing Boozehound: High five! El Disgusto: broccoli head Cheating Bastard: Well Im sure the next treasure trove must be the big one. Me: I think were getting taken for a ride. Its like that old saying. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me us the party. Psycho Dave: Apollo Dec says Me: Wait a minute Apollo Dec Apollo Dec Apollo Dec Holodeck? You bastard! Apollo Dec my ass! Wait till I get my hands on him! I attack the Yiddish wizard! I cant believe I said that

Psycho Dave: Very well roll to hit. Me: Ha! A natural 20! El Disgusto: broccoli head Me: OH SHUT UP! Psycho Dave: You miss. Me: What? I rolled a natural 20! Psycho Dave: You missed. And suddenly with Apollo Dec begins to fly away laughing Semiticly . Me: Fly away? He can fly now? What does he have a magic item a flight spell? Psycho Dave: And as he flies away the illusion spells that Apollo Dec 20th level Illusionist had been casting fades and you discover that not only has your head not been turned into a piece of broccoli but you also discover that Cheating Bastard has been wielding not a magic sword after all but a club carved from calcified dragon manure and that Weasly Crushers character has been dead for several hours. Weasly Crusher: I I hardly knew him at all. Cheating Bastard: Thanks a lot Ab3. Psycho Dave: You also discover that the treasure trove guarded by monsters you were raiding was actually an orphanage for crippled children run by hemophiliac nuns from the order of Lovitar. Me: and why didnt we get some saving throws to notice any of this? For God sakes you have bladder control saving throws in this game!

Psycho Dave: I made your rolls for you. Secret rolls. You failed them all. Me: Is this some kind of sick power trip for you? Were all just puppets you make dance for your amusement? Weasly Crusher: How would puppets dance when they have no feet? Me: Shut up Weasly! Deviant Boy: Smoke break. The Amazing Boozehound: Call us when the argument is over. Psycho Dave: Hey Im here to play a game but Im not going dumb down and wuss up my game world for a guy that rolls his eyes every time I mention that Bill Cosby is a tool of the gay Zionist conspiracy! Me: Not only are you a lousy Dungeon Master but youre crazier than a crapfight in a monkey house! Psycho Dave: I am not a lousy Dungeon Master! Weasly Crusher: Does anyone smell smoke?

The Amazing Boozehound and Deviant Boy came rushing up the stairs. It turned out that since what they were not exactly smoking tobacco during their smoke breaks they had decided to go down into the basement instead of outside. Once dropped bong later and the woodpile for the disused fireplace was on fire and the flames were slowly spreading. Psycho Dave kept a calm head in the crisis

Psycho Dave: My God! Save the supplements!

And so we all grabbed as many books and boxes as we could carry but for every RUNEQUEST book we saved a copy of SPACE OPERA or BOOT HILL was left behind.. We ran through the smoke and collapsed gasping on the front lawn. Flames were licking at the lower first floor already and the sirens sounded very far away. Psycho Dave: I am SO grounded. Me: where wheres Weasly? El Disgusto: I thought I stepped on something. The Amazing Boozehound: The fire its like its dancing Deviant Boy: I can see strippers in the fire Lets see if we can get a table near the stage. Cheating Bastard: I dont see him. Psycho Dave: Oh my God. Do you realize what this means?

Psycho Dave got back to his feet and ran back into the building skirting the flames. We all stared at the house; except for El Disgusto who cursed at us got into his Hornet and drove off. One minute passed by then two. The flames spread. Suddenly a dark figure darted out of the house, running across the lawn and not stopping until he was standing in the road his hands on his sides trying to stop coughing and catch his breath. The thick smoke had blackened the figure from head to foot there was no mistaking that profile.

Me: Weasly? Wheres Psycho Dave? Weasly: I thought he was out here with you. I never saw him. Cheating Bastard: What did he go back in there for?

Then Psycho Dave staggered out of the house, smoke-blinded, his hair and shoulders smoldering, he clutched his precious Galileo shuttlecraft fishbowl to his chest. He made it all the way down the steps only to trip over the Amazing Boozehound as he sat cross legged on the lawn watching the fire. The fishbowl flew from Psycho Daves hands and he fell face first into Deviant Boys lap. The fishbowl flew end over end through the air. I closed my eyes. I couldnt bear to look. An earth shattering crash filled my ears. I opened my eyes to see that Weasly had caught the fishbowl in his outstretch hands. A few blocks away I could see the real source of the crash. El Disgusto had tried to cut in front of one of the approaching firetucks with disastrous results. As far as I was concerned this was the last straw. I was determined to never game with these or any other pack of lunatics and nerds again. Gingerly I pulled Psycho Dave away from El Disgusto, he stared blearily my way but I wasnt sure he was really seeing me at all, it looked like any moment he might pass out so I made him a pillow from some old issues of DRAGON magazine.

Me: Psycho Dave! Psycho Dave: Shrimp out of danger? Me: Yes. Psycho Dave: I never passed the Firemans entrance exam What did you think of my performance? Me: Psycho Dave Psycho Dave: Youve been even with the sniveling and whining my

best player. 'Me: Oh God

Psycho Daves fluttered and he fainted away. I cursed under my breath this was just great, now if I quit his stupid game I would feel guilty. Well maybe he would let me run something or we could do a super hero game. That might not be too bad. Besides maybe hanging around me could change these misfits and misanthropes. Maybe for the first time in my life I could be a positive role model! I looked over to Weasly Crusher, not sure what we were going to say to the policemen we were surely going to have to explain things too. He raised his hand to wave to me. The Galileo shuttlecraft fishbowl hit the pavement with a wet crash.

RPG.NET rant#22 The Last Straw Trilogy Part One: Warhammer The Spoilers Generation originally posted to RPG.net on 7-04-2008, 04:59 PM WARNING THE FOLLOWING TALE HAS SPOILERS FOR CERTAIN CLASSIC WARHAMMER FANTASY ROLEPLAY SCENARIOS. ALSO VADER IS LUKE'S FATHER, ROSEBUD WAS HIS SLED AND THE CALLS WERE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE Guidos phone number was still in my wallet but I hadnt used it. There was something about calling up a relative stranger to ask to be invited to their role playing game that just made me uncomfortable. For me it seemed akin to standing on a street corner and asking each of the women that passed you by for a lap dance. Sure, you might get what you were looking for but the odds were you were going to get something a lot worse.

Better the game you knew than the game you didnt know. Besides, I had to admit that I was intrigued. Weasly Crusher was running this game, and none of us had ever known him to run anything. I was curious to see what he could do, I mean he had to have learned something from all those years of being brutalized and sidelined. My only worry was that he had chosen to run Warhammer Fantasy Role- play. Now dont get me wrong it was a damn good game but it also boasted what had to be the second most dark and brutal game world I had ever seen. And for the record the most dark and brutal game world I had ever seen was a D&D campaign that Psycho Dave had run many years ago. For this game he had created a hybrid damage system that combined the standard D&D hit point system with the Arduin Grimoire critical hit chart and the infamous Rolemaster critical damage tables. And he used this table for any kind of injury whatsoever for players and NPCs alike. In doing so he created a desolate, blood soaked ruin of a world where carpenters died from complications of bruising their thumbs, people picking at hangnails had their flesh suddenly fall away from their bones in wet red strips and mothers in childbirth frequently detonated. Anyway there I was another game, another basement but this time it was the basement of the Smith family. I sat on the comfortable futon admiring the clean well decorated room.

Me: Wow nice place. Blobert Smith: Thank you, for some time my parents used this as a recreation room but their advanced age and weak knees have forced them to secede the basement to me much in the same way a freshman girl must secede her pink chiffon dress during the drive

home from the senior prom. Collateral Darren: Proms are nothing more than the result of tuxedo rental stores conspiring with the local school districts to boost their revenue before the summer wedding season. Me: You know I was going to burst out laughing but then I realized you really believe that. You are insane.

Collateral Darren: Mock me all you want but you know that my mother works for the local paper right? Shes seen the stories about this but the newspapers suppress them for substantial kickbacks from the Tuxedo Illuminati. Me: Yeah. Right. Hey Blobert, you were supposed to show me that trophy you won at the poetry slam. Blobert Smith: Ah yes but it is on my mothers bureau. She was so very proud, I feel I have redeemed myself in her eyes after she caught me pilfering her unmentionables for my performance art piece Gulf War Granny Panties. However I think this must wait for a different time to view said trophy because once my parents are asleep and I am loathe to rouse them from their little dress rehearsals for death. Me: Oh sure I totally understand. Collateral Darren: I wonder where everyone else is. Blobert Smith: Weasly called to inform me that he was going over a few last minute notes for his game. El Disgusto should be making his way here from work now but he has many buses and transfers ahead of him. Cheating Bastard is also at work and Deviant Boy is just making his way back from his Saturday afternoon ritual of standing on the street corner and asking random women for lap dances.

Me: Why would he have to do that? He told me that last week he scored a threesome with two co-eds.

There was a knock at the door, Blobert headed upstairs to answer it. When he returned El Disgusto was with him.

Collateral Darren: And do you know why he scored with those two coeds? Practice. Manliness is like a bow and arrow, practice is critical. El Disgusto: Wrong metal head. Manliness is like a katana and youve got to hone it to a razor keen edge. Blobert Smith: I have always felt manliness was a dark, cold spring that you can bathe in but never frolic. God save you if you frolic. Me: Youre here sooner then we expected. El Disgusto: Thats because I quit my job. Collateral Darren: Hello unemployment office. El Disgusto: It gives me time to concentrate on myself and more importantly my gaming. Me: Did you ever consider that maybe you might not be in a state of constant financial chaos if you just found a job you liked and worked at it until you got a raise? Would a stable career path be such a bad thing? El Disgusto: Let me ask you a question- how many great player characters have been on stable career paths? If given the choice between high adventure or a 401k what would Conan do? Besides if I need money I can just sell that Bob Kane original artwork of mine. Me: You would sell that? The artwork Bob Kane gave you when you

were a boy and he was your neighbor? I would think that sentimental value would keep you from doing something like that. El Disgusto: For now it stays in my safety deposit box. Me: Id love to see it one day. Cheating Bastard Greetings one and all. Blobert Smith: I didnt hear you knock. Cheating Bastard: The door was locked so I broke in. Collateral Darren: I totally respect that. Blobert Smith: As always your ability to subvert the presuppositions of property law are only matched by your ability to roll 9 natural 20s in a row. Cheating Bastard: Wheres Weasly? I cant wait to get started. El Disgusto: Who cares? The game is gonna suck. There are no ninjas. Blobert Smith: A ninja would by out as out of place in the Moorcockian kakotopia of Warhammer Fantasy Role Play as a kill floor in a day care center. El Disgusto: Well Ive been calling him every day this week to try and wear him down. I have to admit hes got more willpower than I thought, but the fact remains no ninjas equals a sucky game. Me: Then why are you here? El Disgusto: No. Why are you here? Me: No? Why are you here?

El Disgusto: No! Why are you here? Me: No, Why are you here? El Disgusto: No. Why. Are. You. Here? Blobert Smith: Its like the Special Olympics version of Waiting for Godot. And me without my camcorder. Deviant Boy: Oh yeah. Ive got to get that back to you. Im almost done making my movie.

We all looked up to see Deviant Boy heading down the stairs.

Blobert Smith: Ah youre here. Now all we need is our gamemaster for the evening. Collateral Darren: Well Ive already done my part. I brought liquid refreshments. Me: Booze? You brought booze to a role playing game? Thats an invitation to disaster, its like thats like help me out here Blobert Blobert Smith: Like opening an adult bookstore in Iran? Cheating Bastard: Damn hes good at that. Collateral Darren: These alcoholic beverages are to aid in the role playing experience. For each hit point of damage you take to the body you do a shot of Jgermeister, for each point of damage you take to the head you take a shot of Wild Turkey. Me: Thats nuts.

Collateral Darren: Thats how they do it in the midnight D&D tournament at Gen Con. Me: Really? Collateral Darren: Of course! Havent you even been to Gen Con? Or any kind of a Con? Me: I got beaten up on the way in to The Council of the Five Nations. Deviant Boy: Well thats not really a convention but what happened? Me: Some other geek heard me making disparaging comments about Galactica 1980 and jumped me. He beat me with a bag full of dice. El Disgusto: Sap. Me: What did you call me? El Disgusto: A bag of dice or rocks used as a weapon is called a sap. I was just trying to help. Me: Oh.

About ten minutes later Weasly Crusher arrived, carrying a milk crate overflowing with game books and binders. He quickly got set up and had us roll up our characters. Everything was pretty much random generation, from stats to careers.

Me: Hmmm an alchemists apprentice. Kind of like a magic user in training. I guess I name him Addlebert. Cheating Bastard: A noble! I shall call him Lord Flashheart! Collateral Darren: Ive got a pit fighter, so Im sure somewhere in

heaven Jean Claude Van Damme is smiling. Me: I dont think hes dead. Collateral Darren: After STREET FIGHTER hes dead to me. But I think Ill name my pit fighter Nitro. Blobert Smith: I have an elven ranger. I shall call him The Flaming Clich and he will spend his every hour trying to find a hapless dwarf fighter to condescend to. Deviant Boy: And I will be that dwarf! I have a dwarven Bawd named Ralphus. Me: Is a Bawd what I think it is? Deviant Boy: I think the more important question here is does a ballgag count as a helm? Blobert Smith: My ranger has become a Midnight Cowboy. How sublime. El Disgusto: Im a ratcatcher? A ratcatcher? Doesnt this craptastic gameworld have traps for that? Weasly Crusher: Well these are only your starting careers as you gain experience you can change careers or upgrade. El Disgusto: Upgrade, from a ratcatcher? What would that be? Flyswatter? Roachstomper? Possumfucker? Collateral Darren: Weasly youre shaking, maybe you should have a drink or two before you start. Weasly Crusher: No, no, Im ok. Lets get started.

Me: Great.

Weasly then took a few minutes to describe the world of the Empire to us, to give us an overview of the politics, races and culture. Then he dropped us into that old role playing game standby, the Inn.

Weasly Crusher: Each of your characters has been making their way to Altdorf where a call has been sent out for adventurers and mercenaries and dwarves in bodystockings Deviant Boy: Awesome! Weasly Crusher: You find yourselves spending the night at the inn. In the morning a coach will take you El Disgusto: My character decides to randomly pick fights. Weasly Crusher: Buh? El Disgusto: In fact my character loudly declares he can lick any man in the house. Deviant Boy: Well hes got my interest. Weasly Crusher: What why are you doing this? El Disgusto: Because I hate this character and I want him to die. Me: Then just roll up another one. El Disgusto: Not good enough. The ratcatcher must die. Cheating Bastard: My character loudly jokes how much he likes these new-style jesters and throws a handful of coins at the ratcatcher.

Deviant Boy: Me too. Weasly Crusher: And then everyone is doing it. They applaud your performance and give you money. El Disgusto: Fine. Then I go to the bar and buy as many drinks as I can. Hope you have rules for alcohol poisoning monkey boy. Weasly Crusher: I dont Collateral Darren: Waiting for a coach ride to Altdorf? This reminds me of the scenario where the players end up finding a dead noble who is a dead ringer for one of the PCs. Weasly Crusher: You played that one? Collateral Darren: No but I read it in the game store. El Disgusto: No way. No way am I playing in a scenario one of the other players has read. Thats like thats like a little help here? Blobert Smith: trying to quietly fart in an elevator full of blind men? El Disgusto: Close enough. Weasly Crusher: Well ok just give me a minute.

I watched Weasly flip through a handful of notes, all the while chewing his lip. He checked through several game books and then started again. Our characters did take the last coach to Altdorf and despite the ratcatchers repeated attempts to throw himself under the wheels we made good time.

Me: My alchemists apprentice casts a concerned glance the ratcatchers way and asks him his name.

El Disgusto: He doesnt have a name he sold it to buy cheese. Me: Could you at least try to roleplay? Or is this how you pay back Weasly for all the work hes done for this game? Cheating Bastard: Since the ranger and I are riding alongside the coach on our steeds we go and scout ahead. Blobert Smith: Capital idea! Weasly Crusher: All right you ride ahead and you see just a moment I had the page bookmarked El Disgusto: You expect me to role play this shit? A ratcatcher? You do realize that every day not playing a ninja is a day wasted. Me: You know if you just try to play something other than a psychotic prick you might find yourself having a good time. You might, you know start role playing. El Disgusto: Oh you wanna see role playing do you? Ill show the some role playing spazzbury doughboy.

I heard the sound of dice rolling and looked up to see Weasly Customer setting out some minis.

Weasly Crusher: Now the elf and the noble spy some goblin raiders and the goblin raiders spy you guys as well. What do you do? Cheating Bastard: We retreat back to the coach. Blobert Smith: I call out To arms! To arms!

And so began my first taste of Warhammer Fantasy Role Plays combat system. It wasnt as bad as I thought, or maybe it was simply that the coach gave us partial cover. The end result was we made quick work of the goblins with minimal damage.

Collateral Darren: My pit fighter roars with triumph as he stands over the bodies of his vanquished foes. Weasly Crusher: Well it looks like Ab3s character has dislocated his knee. Collateral Darren: Then heres your shot. Me: Im not drinking and gaming, Im just not. Cheating Bastard: Dont be a wussy Ab3. Weasly Crusher: When the combat is over the coach driver stops in the nearby town of Bogenhafen so he can make repairs. You guys have a few hours to kill and as luck would have it their annual festival the Schaffenfest is going on so you will have plenty to do. Collateral Darren: Is this the one where we chase the three legged goblin into the sewers? Weasly Crusher: Oh my god. El Disgusto: What the Hell kind of GM are you Weasly? Son of a bitch! Me: Maybe we could just soldier on. Collateral Darren: I only think Ive like memorized half the maps El Disgusto: No. I am not going to game with one hand behind my back.

Weasly Crusher: Ok Ok just a minute here I can just move ahead a little. Me: How much of the Warhammer FRP scenario material have you read anyway? Collateral Darren: All of it. Deviant Boy: I didnt know you were interested in running the system. Collateral Darren: Im not. I would never run a role playing game. I just like to read scenarios and wonder what might happen if I played them. Weasly Crusher: I dont know what to do. Me: Thats all right Weasly we dont need to- El Disgusto: Screw that. I quit my job to be here so we damn well better game. Besides, Ive really got a handle on who this ratcatcher guy is now. I cant wait to role play him. Blobert Smith: Why not simply use the existing material you have in new and surprising ways something similar happened to me when I attempted to turn The Soft Machine into a Choose Your Own Adventure book. Me: Blobert, I dont think your signals have ever decoded properly. Blobert Smith: Indeed. Weasly Crusher: Sure, I can do this. Just let me have a Jgermeister or two. Collateral Darren: All right.

Two drinks and a notebook later and the adventure was off again. Our characters left Bogenhafen and its suddenly lifeless Schaffenfest and pressed on. Weasly was rolling dice and scribbling franticly in his notebooks between sips of alcohol.

El Disgusto: How long are we just going to be toddling along in this damn wagon? Me: Will you just give him a chance? El Disgusto: But Im just role playing my characters impatience. See? Roleplaying. Deviant Boy: At least my character picked up an amazing array of sausages at the last town. I cant wait to try them out. Cheating Bastard: My noble asks the coachman how much further we have to go. Weasly Crusher: He replies that they could make better time if they took a more direct route but doing so would take the party deep into bandit country. Cheating Bastard: Bandits? I suggest our party go due east. Me: Due East? Thats off the road and at a right angle to where we are headed. Cheating Bastard: Yeah but it might be a good shortcut. Maybe we could find a path. The elf and I will ride out to check. Blobert Smith: I spur my steed on into the wilderness of random encounters and savage improvisation.

The noble and elf headed off and a few rounds later came riding back with a group of bandits hot on their heels. We had time to stop the coach and scramble out with our weapons. The noble and the elf had the best of it, wading through the fray on their steeds; their swords raining death down on the bandits and in one unfortunate case the coach driver. The pit fighter did a lot of damage as well but since Collateral Darren felt it was in character for Nitro to flex and pose after each kill he didnt really get a high body count. Deviant Boy may have caused less overall physical damage to our enemies but he was just glad that the sight of a dwarf in a mesh bodystocking wielding a length of link sausages like a set of nunchaku left so many of the bandits staring in stunned confusion that they were easily picked off by the ratcatcher. The only real load on the party during the whole fight was unfortunately my alchemists apprentice who spent most the combat trying either trying to hit bandits or trying to get away from them.

El Disgusto: My ratcatcher is as giggly as a schoolgirl after that battle. He decides to record a few choice memories in his journal. Me: A ratcatcher with a journal... ok. Collateral Darren: Nitro the pit fighter mocks the appalling lack of manliness the alchemist displayed. Me: Hes alchemists apprentice, not a fighter. Weasly Crusher: What about the coach drivers body? Deviant Boy: Did someone remember to check his pockets?

After a quick vote my character was put in charge of driving the coach and we headed on. Things went pretty well aside from the fact that Weaslys speech was becoming slurred and he was drooping in his

seat. I had tried to tell him that downing a finger of bourbon for each dead NPC wasnt a good idea but he was determined to do the Gen Con way. Slowly we began to see the city of Altdorf resolve itself on the horizon. The noble and the elf rode ahead to scout for trouble and once again found it.

El Disgusto: Trolls? Youre leading a bunch of trolls back here now? Blobert Smith: I am sure you will agree that in a situation like this there is safety in numbers. Deviant Boy: Well I think you should fight your own damn trolls. The only reason theyre after us is because you went looking for them. Weasly Crusher: No. They were a random encounter. It just happens that the noble and the elf rode ahead. El Disgusto: Wrong. If we had all arrived at the random encounter ourselves then it would be our encounter and Id be happy about it. But thats not what happened. What happened is they rode ahead, created a random encounter and then ran back to us with it hot on their tails. This is not our encounter. Blobert Smith: I was not aware that Professor Schrdinger wrote the random encounter rules for this game.

Personally I didnt know what to think of the argument, but then again it was the 1990s Aggro and Leroy Jenkins hadnt been invented yet. Our characters tried to outrun the troll horde but we found ourselves surrounded. The first casualty of the battle was the coach, it ended up flipping onto its side, pinning my character Addlebert beneath it with a broken leg. My character spent the entire combat trying to get free while friend and foe alike trampled over him. Our resident Dwarf, Ralphus charged into battle, eager to face one of

his peoples natural enemies. Deviant Boy let us know that Ralphus had been saving a particularly large and stale sausage for just such and occasion. Collateral Darren kept his pit fighter in the thick of things and managed to kill two trolls before Nitros sword arm was sliced off by one of the curved, cruel-looking weapons the trolls were using. Blobert Smith and Cheating Bastard had their steeds cut out from under them by a few well-timed troll attacks. Their horses gone, the Flaming Clich and Lord Flashheart suddenly found themselves on the defensive, they climbed on top of the upended coach and prepared to make a desperate last stand, ignoring Addlberts screams of agony all the while. The real surprise of this combat however was the ratcatcher; the dice were truly with El Disgusto as his character killed twice as many trolls on his own as the rest of the party did together.

Weasly Crusher: Another kill! Good going El Disgusto! Are you sure youre not using Cheating Bastards lucky dice? El Disgusto: Its all skill pally, all skill. Blobert Smith: We shall tell the trolls that death is here and his name is what was your characters name again? El Disgusto: You never asked. Blobert Smith: And yet here you are fighting alongside us. Truly we have been through the desert on a coach with no name. Weasly Crusher: Sorry Deviant Boy but Ralphus weapon of choice breaks.

Deviant Boy: Stormwiener no! Cheating Bastard: How many more trolls are left? Weasly Crusher: Seven trolls surround you. Me: We cant take that many. Were too wounded. Cheating Bastard: Well maybe if you werent just lying there like like Blobert? Blobert Smith: like a wealthy man with a faulty toupee and a bad back on his wedding night? Deviant Boy: Wow. Me: Its uncanny. El Disgusto: How many trolls have we killed? Weasly Crusher: Six. Collateral Darren: Ill just pour your bourbon into this convenient novelty glass. Me: Once again let me say that not only do I think its pretty damn sad that weve combined drinking and roleplaying but then to be drinking from Muppet Baby glasses is this really what we should be doing with our lives? El Disgusto: You have a better idea? Maybe we could watch you spend all night striking out with goth girls at the QE2? Or we could help you write some of the stories that no one will ever print. Or we could watch some of those crappy movies that only you seem to rent. Who was the last one directed by? Peter Jackson? That guy will never work again!

Me: You know you really missed your calling as a suicide prevention line operator.

As we argued Weasly Crusher downed his bourbon in a series of convulsive gulps and then started GMing again. His eyes became more and more glassy as the adventure continued.

Weasly Crusher: The trolls surround you but suddenly there is a flash and a series of lightning bolts reduce your enemies to ashes. Deviant Boy: Saved! Cheating Bastard: Do those still count as our kills for experience purposes? Collateral Darren: Nitro turns to see who has saved the party. Me: You know Darren, Nitro might want to do something about that spurting wound where his arm used to be and I dont know maybe-get this damn coach off my character!!!! Weasly Crusher: An elf walks out of the forest. He has short, dark hair and wears a blue tunic tucked into a pair of black breeches and leather boots. Blobert Smith: The Flaming Clich hails him as a fellow elf. Weasly Crusher: He speaks a dialect of elvish you can barely understand. Blobert Smith: My character explains to the rest of the party that this stranger speaks a dialect of elvish that can barely be understood. El Disgusto: Ask him how he saved us, is he a magic user?

Blobert Smith: My character asks the stranger how he saved us and if he is a magic user. Weasly Crusher: The stranger tells your character that he is a scientist. Blobert Smith: The Flaming Clich tells the rest of the party that their rescuer is a scientist. Weasly Crusher: When the stranger sees how badly injured the rest of the party is he pulls a small gold and black object from his belt and whispers into it. Blobert Smith: He has pulled a small metal- Deviant Boy: Ok we can take it from here Blobert. Weasly Crusher: Two humans stride out of the woods, one is dressed in a very similar fashion to the elf, the other wears a gold tunic instead of a blue one. Collateral Darren: This is familiar but I cant recall which Warhammer supplement its in. Weasly Crusher: The human in the gold tunic pulls a kind of wand slash crossbow thing from his belt and fires it at the coach. A kind of lightning shoots out and turns the coach into ashes. Me: Uh ok? Weasly Crusher: Then the human in the blue tunic walks up to you and waves a wand over your shattered leg. The wound miraculously heals. Me: But how I didnt think magic worked that way in this game.

The rest of the party began asking the strangers for their own wounds to be healed. The human and the elf did all the work while the man in the gold tunic observed with an impossibly smug expression on his face.

Weasly Crusher: And the man in the gold tunic observes it all with an impossibly smug expression on his face. Me: My character thanks the strangers and asks them their names. My character tells them his name is Addlebert. Deviant Boy: My dwarf curtsies and tells them he is Ralphus. Cheating Bastard: My noble introduces himself as Lord Flashheart and explains to them that if they are ever in his vaguely outlined but far away fiefdom they are more than welcome to visit. Blobert Smith: The Flaming Clich thanks them the only way he knows how, with a framed lithograph of his nipple-pint. El Disgusto: My ratcatcher walks up to them and says Hi! My name is Ab3 and I love the taste of failure! Me: Thats it youre DEAD! El Disgusto: What? Im roleplaying motherfucker! Me: You smelly SOCIOPATH! Blobert Smith: No! There will be No fighting in this basement. This basement is sacred ground. Dreams were born and died in this basement. It was here that I first made love to Asenath, on that futon right there. Me: Hey, who wants to trade seats?

Blobert Smith: And it was there, on that tearstained patch of carpet that I begged her not to break up with me but alas it was too late. The damage was done. Me: Anyone at all? Deviant Boy: Not that I care, because I dont, I just dont, why did she break up with you? Blobert Smith: Merely because once in the throws of passion I cried Peter Murphys name instead of hers. A common enough mistake for anyone that has listened to a single Bauhaus album. Me: Look Ill give someone cash money to swap with me. Cash money! Weasly Crusher: The strangers offer to take you with them to their ship. Collateral Darren: Sounds tempting. Me: Ship? Is there a river near here? El Disgusto: Oh my God. How stupid are you? Me: Possibly stupid enough to have just gotten crabs from a futon. Cheating Bastard: Come on Ab3, think about it. Weasly Crusher: Are we gaming are not? Are you guys gonna go to the ship, join their crew and fight the troll menace where ever they are found? Me: I have no idea what is going on here anymore. Deviant Boy: Look, one pointy eared elf, two humans, strange

magic, gold and blue shirts. Me: Oh my God. Were having a Star Trek crossover? With Warhammer? Blobert Smith: Make it so. Me: Weasly how drunk are you? Weasly Crusher: Drunk enough, Im feelin the modifiers baby. Me: I think we should just call it a night guys. He has no idea what hes doing. Collateral Darren: Oh no. We are going to keep gaming until my character gets a phaser. Cheating Bastard: Word. Deviant Boy: So Asenaths single again? Weasly Crusher: Look are you losers beaming up or not? The Captain wants to know. El Disgusto: Ab3 the ratcatcher is going, if only because he hopes the strange science of these people can cure his terminal lameness. Blobert Smith: My character swoons at the possibility of making his own journey to the Ring of Soshern. Deviant Boy: Whats the Ring of Soshern? Blobert Smith: Perhaps it is a place our characters could explore together. Me: Guys. This is insane and Weasly is so drunk that he wont even remember this.

Collateral Darren: But well still have our phasers. Cheating Bastard: And hell have to deal with it. Weasly Crusher: So everyone is beaming up but Ab3s character? Me: I am trying to make a stand here. Weasly Crusher: Fine. The rest of the party beams up on to the Enterprise with the strangers. Addlebert waits behind. Me: Good then maybe Weasly Crusher: But then magical Leprechaun appears next to your character. Me: A what? A leprechaun? There arent any leprechauns in Warhammer fantasy roleplay are there? Weasly Crusher: Insulted by your statements the leprechaun pulls out a Rambo knife and stabs your character in the groin and again and again and again until

I can only assume that the leprechaun stabbing would have been fatal for my character because that was when Weasly started throwing up into his milk crate full of gaming supplies.

Weasly Crusher: Blargh! Me: Oh nice going Darren, is this how they do it at Gen Con too? Weasly Crusher: Blaarrgghh! Cheating Bastard: Ha! Yeah Gen Con right. Maybe we should be

drinking out of a poetry slam trophy. Deviant Boy: While snicker- while reading some Bob Kane artwork? Weasly Crusher: Blaaarrrggghhh! El Disgusto: With some co-eds? Me: What are you idiots talking about? Blobert Smith: I must confess that you have been part of a social experiment put forth by El Disgusto. Weasly Crusher: Blaaaarrrrgggghhhh! Me: Social experiment? El Disgusto: Well I realized after I made a joke about having Bob Kane artwork that you believed me and then we all realized you actually believed stuff we told you. Me: But why would you lie to me? El Disgusto: Because its funny! Weasly Crusher: Blaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh! Deviant Boy: And some of the stuff you shared with us is priceless. Me: Priceless? Collateral Darren: Like when you told Blobert how you reacted when the chief editor of Simon and Schuster sent you a personal letter detailing why your novel would never ever be published? I mean crying is one thing but hiding under your desk for an hour? Me: But it hurt

Cheating Bastard: Or when you told El Disgusto your greatgrandmother used to call you Chicken-scratches? Hysterical! Weasly Crusher: Blaaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhh! Me: I told you this stuff because you guys supposed to be my friends. Blobert Smith: We are not friends sadly we are gamers, unloved and unwanted we rattle our dice against the crushing din of our own failure and self-loathing. And the tale you told Darren about meeting one of your favorite authors only to have him call you a miserable little suck up in front of a laughing crowd? That is the stuff that dream ballets are made of. Me: Look this is a really shitty way to treat a person guys. If you are kidding around with me lets drop it now before my feelings get hurt. El Disgusto: Oh always with the feelings Ab3, always with the feelings. Me: You mean none of the stuff you guys told me is true? El Disgusto: I never met Bob Kane. Weasly Crusher: Blaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh! Collateral Darren: Ive never been to Gen Con. I legally cant leave the state for a few more years. Blobert Smith: And never entered a poetry slam contest much less won a trophy. Me: But Deviant Boy what about the co-eds? Deviant Boy: Well technically they were co-eds in the early 1950s.

El Disgusto: Ewwwww. Deviant Boy: I tell you they dont call them hot flashes for nothing. Me: But what about what I told you? That was kind of private Weasly Crusher: Blaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh! Deviant Boy: You mean the thing about you masturbating into your socks? El Disgusto: Ab3 youve given a whole new meaning to the term doing the laundry.

Of course I stormed out of Bloberts house at that point but as I have said before there is no dignified way to leave the gaming table with tears in your eyes. I told myself on the drive home that I would have to be an idiot to hang out with these guys again but I guess I still hadnt learned my lesson. When I got back to my place I couldnt sleep so I finished the chores I had been putting off. The bathroom floor was finally mopped, my bookshelves finally got dusted and yes I did finish my laundry but dont worry I left out the whitener.

Rpg.net Rant#23 The Last Straw Trilogy Part Two: TALISMAN: THIS TIME ITS PERSONAL originally posted to RPG.net on 7-24-2008, 09:01 AM WARNING THE FOLLOWING RANT IS BOOKENDED BY SOME SQUISHY PERSONAL STUFF I FELT ADDED TO THE STORY. This is the part of the story Im not proud of, and this is the part of the story that might just bore you to tears but its part of the story I have to tell.

Ive said before that my love life had been one disaster after another; there was the girl that got me drunk and went home with a marine as I sat at the bar trying to explain Doctor Whos continuity errors to anyone in earshot. There was the girl that dated me, kissed me and ended up dumping me for Kid Snotrocket. There was first date after first date that felt like a bad job interview. There was the one that I didnt realized liked me until it was too late. There was the other girl that left me for Kid Snotrocket. There was the co-worker that took my offer of dinner as harassment; there was the other girl that was sure I was gay. There was the girl that faked being part of a blood drinking cult to get me to stop calling her. There was the girl that was starting to like me until she found out her mother thought I was great and she dumped me. And then of course there was the third girl that ran off with Kid Snotrocket. And what I had learned during those four years of accidental celibacy? I mean aside from the fact that Kid Snotrocket was not to be trusted and that he apparently had a monster dong? I had learned to stop looking for love, I learned to stop trying. My bitterness was made all the worse by Annoying Girl. I suppose I shouldnt have been too surprised at how often I saw her, after all we lived within just a few miles of each other but still just seeing her annoyed me. And whenever she saw me in public she just had to come over and say hello and ask about how my life was going. I talked to her grudgingly and when she suggested we get together sometime I always told her how busy I was. Why you ask? Because Annoying Girl was fat. Not as fat as Blobert but was way heavier than me. There was no way I would ever be seen with a fat girl on my arm there was no way I would ever even be friends with one, it was a violation of the guys code. At least thats what my friends and the Media told me. And I especially wanted nothing to do with Annoying Girl. I couldnt stand the way she was so nice all the time, the way puppies, kittens and swans gravitated towards her like she was some kind of a Disney character. And dont even get me started about how the way she once

waded into the middle of a traffic accident and managed to keep a terribly injured man stable until the paramedics arrived. I just hated to look at her, the soft sheen of her skin, the dark luminous pools of her eyes and that laugh, that laugh of hers sounded like the giggles of a baby cherub having its belly tickled. See what I mean? Annoying. It had been ten days since Weaslys disastrous turn at running Warhammer Fantasy Role Play and all he had to show for it was a fistful of barf-stained rulebooks and El Disgustos unending scorn. In the wake of that latest disaster we had been banned from the Smith family basement by Blobert himself and no one wanted to run anything. I guess we were all a little gun shy. Or is that GM shy? Collateral Darren insisted he had the perfect solution to the problem, but he wouldnt tell us what that solution was. All he did was keep insisting that we all be there. I almost didnt go. You see Id just gotten word that my high school crush Lilly had gotten married and not only that shed gotten married to a guy shed gone to high school with but barely acknowledged. Better yet shed married one of the guys that had been too much of a geek to hang out with Kid Snotrocket, Zapp Foo and myself. The man Im talking about was Ernie Spoonsucker. In high school he had gotten quite the reputation. Hed divided his time between the boy scouts, glee club and the South Colonie United Republican Varsity Youth movement. I think the things I remember best about old Ernie was his insistence that listening to the music of the Beatles led to communism and his stress agitated colon. What is a stress agitated colon you might ask? It meant that whenever Ernie got scared he would become flatulent, and the more scared he was the more hed fart. The older boys would beat him until it sounded like the 1812 overture was coming from his pants. But now of course that had changed. Now he was enjoying conjugal relations with the girl I had dreamed of for four long years. I didnt want to game, I just wanted to sit in my apartment and hate the

world. Over the past few years I had really gotten quite good at it. Of course I knew myself better than that, I knew that if I wasnt at a movie or a game by 11 PM on a Friday night I would find myself at a strip club. Truth be told at this point of my life I had begun to suspect that I was spending far too much time at strip clubs. And when one of the strippers had told me I should really get a girlfriend my suspicions were confirmed. So that is why I found myself driving to Deviant Boys place that night. About halfway there I decided it might be a good idea to get some soda and chips so I left early to stop at the local supermarket; but before I got there I was gripped with this sudden urge to stop by the bookstore at the local mall. There was no reason to do it really, the place never stocked what I was looking for but as the landmarks of Central Avenue bled past me, the itch in my head to just go to the mall, selection be damned, became a full blown fixation. So I stopped there, the parking lot was crowded, the mall itself even more so. I navigated the crowds to the bookstore and found nothing. The selection was so poor it was couldnt even be called generic. The urge to be there vanished. I started to feel even stupider than the time I had decided Boxing Helena would be a good date movie. Back through the crowds I went, blundering past crying children in oversized strollers and fit young shoppers walking at a snails pace. I glanced over to the eyeglass shop, wondering if I should try my luck with contacts again. After all what were the chances I might accidentally scratch my cornea three times in a row? And there she was, dressed in a yellow top and white shorts; she was trying on sunglasses, gauging her reflection in one of the stores many mirrors. The shades she had on now were too large for her head and worst of all they hid her eyes from view not that I cared. Still though, I did find my pace slowing, maybe it was the way she held the price tag away from her nose, maybe it was the way those white shorts looked on her. All I know is that I lingered long enough for me to catch her eye.

She hastily abandoned the oversized sunglasses and waved me over to her. Grudgingly I approached; hoping all the while none of the guys saw me talking to her. Not that I should have worried really, El Disgusto, Blobert Smith and Weasly Crusher had been banned from the mall for life thanks to their random acts of LARPing. And as for Deviant Boy, no one ever really did find out why the ORANGE JULIUS stand had a restraining order against him. Annoying Girl: So, how have you been? Me: Ok I guess You know? Annoying Girl: What have you been doing with yourself? Me: Stuff I guess. Annoying Girl: Are you going to the Class of 86 fifth year reunion? Me: Only if I can find some way to pre-wedgie myself. Annoying Girl: Hah! I miss your jokes. When we used to hang out with Lilly you always cracked me up. Me: You used to hang out with Lilly? Annoying Girl: Dont you remember you and I were at most of the same parties, usually we were the ones being ignored by everyone else. Me: I was never ignored. I distinctly remember Lilly asking me to watch her coat. Annoying Girl: Uh yeah. Youre not still hung up on her are you? I mean you know shes married now right?

Me: Well with the divorce rates being what they are in the country Im sure Ive still got a shot. Besides it gives me time to work on my novel and diversify my stock portfolio. Annoying Girl: Well, wow. Thats dedication, but I thought you were with that redhead. You know the one you were going to college with the one that would fake seizures to get out of her mid terms? Me: Oh. Tallulah? Well we were together for a while but I kicked her to the curb. Maybe Im just too much man for one woman Actually Tallulah had dumped me for a recently paroled FrenchCanadian professional wrestler but in the end I got back at her by quitting college and getting a job at an office supply store. Annoying Girl: You know we really should get together sometime. We could just grab a bite to eat or a drink. Theres this comedy club up by Me: Yeah the Chuckle Factory, Im kind of persona non grata there. Annoying Girl: What happened? Me: Well it was open mike night and I tried out and there was this stampede of people trying to get out of the building Annoying Girl: Did you start a fire or something? Me: Lets just say that I learned pretty quickly there is no future whatsoever in funny stories about role playing games. Annoying Girl: We should still get together. I think I gave you my number last time didnt I? Me: Sure, sure. You know I really have to be going otherwise Im going to spend the next four hours sitting on an orange crate. Annoying Girl: Ha! See what I mean? Youre hysterical! Here just in

case take my number again. Me: But I dont have any paper with me. Lets just- Annoying Girl: Here hang on a second She rummaged around in her purse until she found a pen and a scrap of paper and insisted I take her number again. I accepted just to get away from her but Annoying Girl still had one last indignity to visit upon me. A hug. Right in front of everyone she just threw her arms around me and gave me a good squeeze, telling me how good it was to see me again. I grumbled something gave her a half-hearted smile and got the Hell back to my car. The supermarket and snacks forgotten I drove the rest of the way to Deviant Boys apartment with that hug playing over and over again through my mind. I was sure it was because she had traumatized me, and I was seriously considering litigation. When I got to Deviant Boys apartment I was greeted by the sight of grown men dueling with homemade foam swords. Of course I knew that could only mean one thing. Theyd been watching Highlander again. It was Rehab Boy and Old Yellowbelly that were doing the dueling, with Collateral Darren, Weasly Crusher and Cheating Bastard watching from the sidelines. I parked my car just in time for Old Yellowbelly to throw himself across the hood. Rehab Boy came around the other side, poised and ready for battle. I dont know what was more disturbing about him, the fact that he was wearing a Sailor Moon T-shirt or that he was wearing a half dozen or so Alcoholics Anonymous chips like medallions. Rehab Boy: Tonight you sleep in Hell! Old Yellowbelly: Have at you!

Me: Guys arent you afraid of looking like fools in front of the apartment complex? Collateral Darren: Why do you care what other people think? We dont. Cheating Bastard: People decide within the first few minutes of meeting you what their impression is so trying to project an image of what you want them to think of you is just plain neurotic. Weasly Crusher: What about job interviews? Old Yellowbelly launched himself at Rehab Boy his foam sword whistling through the air. I got clear and stood over by the rest. Collateral Darren: There is no job worth having that involves an interview, besides its all just a scam to sell resume paper. Me: What on Earth are you talking about? Collateral Darren: Look most people get their jobs through recommendations and knowing someone. The whole interview process is just a front to get people to buy specialty papers for their resumes. Me: Thats insane. Collateral Darren: If its so crazy then answer me this, when you show up for a job interview with your freshly updated resume why do they make you handwrite the exact same information down on an employment application? Everyone froze dead at that, trying to think of an answer, any answer. Weasly Crusher: Oh my God

Cheating Bastard: It all makes sense somehow Me: This is what losing SAN points is like I just know it Old Yellowbelly: Thats Genius! Rehab Boy: For the Quickening! Old Yellowbelly: Ow! Ow! OW! One foam induced Quickening later we headed inside. The first thing that hit me was the smell of gamer sweat and stale cigarette smoke, then I realized that including myself there had to be ten people crammed into this tiny apartment. El Disgusto: Too bad Ab3, we called dibs on all the chairs, youve got the orange crate again. Me: Asenath? What are you doing here? Asenath: Gaming what do you think? Me: Are you and Deviant Boy back together? Deviant Boy: Were just friends. Me: Well what about Blobert? Blobert Smith: I can only hope the pain I feel at seeing her again will inspire me to even greater role playing heights. While I may have lost levels in love I truly believe I have increased the THAC0 of my soul. Me: And how about you El Disgusto? Does this affect you in anyway or are you too emotionally bankrupt to care? El Disgusto: What you call being a sociopath I call emotional ninjitsu. Me: Im really curious to see what kind of a role playing game

Collateral Darren has planned that involves nine players. Collateral Darren: Then look around you. Me: Well all I see is the TALISMAN board game with all of its supplements, including the TIMESCAPE, spread out across the apartment. Collateral Darren: Exactly. Me: Exactly what? Collateral Darren: Were playing Talisman. Me: But I thought we were playing a role playing game, Talisman is a board game. Collateral Darren: Is it? Is it really? Look around you Ab3. I see multitude of character types, each one with special abilities and the capacity to grow more powerful through experience. I see random encounters, miniatures and even a map. This is a role playing game. Me: Yes, except for the fact its not. Old Yellowbelly: You have everything for this game, everything. Collateral Darren: I got it all from a guy named Skippy Vanderhausen. He just bought it all and then had some kind of religious epiphany and decided to get rid of it all. Asenath: Skippy Vanderhausen? Me: Why does that name sound so familiar? Collateral Darren: From the Clifton Park Vanderhausens? You must have heard of them. Rehab Boy: Man you did a great job painting these minis. Ever since I dried out I dont have the brush control I used to.

Deviant Boy: You know Asenath you could sit right next to me. This chair is free. Weasly Crusher: Im sitting right here what are you talking aboutHey quit pushing! Deviant Boy: Its your turn to sit next to El Disgusto. Weasly Crusher: No! Hes got that cabbage and cologne smell again. El Disgusto: This is my natural musk. Blobert Smith: Colognes are so very generic. I prefer to splash myself with a combination of Absinthe and crushed clove cigarettes. Cheating Bastard: Are we going to play or not? And dont worry if youre short of dice. Ive brought my own. Me: All right. Lets do this thing. I suppose in a way Collateral Darren was right, the game of Talisman is in many ways like a role playing game crossed with Monopoly. Instead of thimbles and racecars you played knights and thieves, instead of chance and community chest cards you had adventure cards that could either help or hinder your Hero. The goal of the game was to have your hero become strong enough to reach the center of the main board where you would win the Crown of Command, but your hero couldnt do that unless they were in possession of the Talisman named in the title of the game. It sounds simple enough doesnt it? Collateral Darren: Now dont forget that the version were playing only has one Talisman so it will be harder to win. We begin by drawing Hero cards. The sad bastard sitting on the orange crate goes first. Me: Ive got a Halfling.

Cheating Bastard: Ive got a Warrior of Chaos. El Disgusto: Comeonninjacomeonninjacomeonninja Me: Just draw already for Christs sake! El Disgusto: An Inquisitor? Well I certainly didnt expect that. Blobert Smith: An Archeologist? From the drawing it appears to be a pastiche of Indiana Jones. Weasly Crusher: Hmmm a Minotaur. Deviant Boy: A Dragon Rider for me sexy. Collateral Darren: It doesnt mean what you think it means, it means you can ride a dragon. Deviant Boy: Im up for it. Collateral Darren: No, what I mean is that if you encounter a dragon you can mount it. Deviant Boy: Thats hot. Collateral Darren: Oh I give up. Ill draw my Hero. I have a Wizard. Rehab Boy: A Merchant? Thats odd Asenath: Ive got the Samurai. Old Yellowbelly: Ive got a Pirate. Collateral Darren: Ok lets get playing. We each picked out the miniature that corresponded with the hero we had drawn. We rolled dice and moved our pieces around the Outer Region of the board.

Deviant Boy: two three four. My Dragon Rider is in the Woods I draw a card and hey its a Ghost. Blobert Smith: Let us roll to see if your character defeats this foul cardboard revenant. Deviant Boy: Rats. Cheating Bastard: Well look where my Warrior of Chaos has landed, right in the same square as Ab3s Halfling. Me: Oh great and Im already down to my last life thanks to that Gargoyle, and the Harpy and Frost Dragon. Rehab Boy: This board is just littered with things you failed to defeat isnt it? Cheating Bastard: Well I tell you what Ab3, if your Halfling gives my Warrior of Chaos all his gold things might go better for him. Me: Well, all right. Here you go all four gold. Cheating Bastard: Great, and I attack the Halfling anyway. Me: What? Cheating Bastard: Well I didnt promise anything, I just said things might go better for him. Roll those dice Ab3. Me: Argh! Damnit! My Halflings dead. Im out. El Disgusto: Ha-ha you suck. Collateral Darren: Actually Ab3 youre not out. We just keep playing until someone reaches the Crown of Command. You just draw a new Hero. Me: Oh Ok. Lets see nowwell Ive got a Valkyrie. This could be interesting.

El Disgusto: Yeah a whole new character to fail with. Me: Just keep it up butt-knuckle. Old Yellowbelly: Oh I got a lance. Rehab Boy: My Merchant enters the Chapel. Old Yellowbelly: Goin to the chapel and were gonna get married Blobert Smith: Now I have rolled a two but where shall my Archeologist go? To the left or the right? Which will server his quest for treasure better? Or will he learn that all along that treasure he was hunting for was inside him self all along? To the left then I think and look, I have drawn a Leper. Will he be my steadfast companion? El Disgusto: My Inquisitor moves into the same square as the Archeologist and attacks him. Then he imprisons him. Asenath: Bathroom break. Now where did I put my duffel bag? Weasly Crusher: Its over there by the Batleth. Asenath: Thanks. She unzippered the bag and pulled out a small bottle of Clorox. Me: Why are you carrying around a bottle of bleach? Asenath: What did you expect me to have in here? Duffels? Deviant Boy: Oh how Ive missed your jokes. Asenath: One of the cardinal rules of being a gamer chick is never use a gamer guys bathroom without sterilizing the area first. El Disgusto: Oh please.

Asenath: Hey you forget I lived here for a while, I remember when those bathroom tiles were white. Me: You mean the veins of greenish color working their way along everything from the sink to the shower curtain ARENT some kind of marble pattern? Collateral Darren: And thats why Deviant Boy and I get sick so rarely. That bathroom is like a wargame for our white bloodcells. Me: Oh God I should have brought a Mountain Dew bottle with me Deviant Boy waited for the sound of running water before he started trying to shove Weasly Crusher off his chair. Deviant Boy: Dude just move. Weasly Crusher: Ive got all my stuff here. Deviant Boy: I dont care move. Hurry up before she gets back. Me: And why should he tell her he moved? Wont it seem weird? El Disgusto: I imagine after seeing the shape of your head for a few hours nothing seems weird at all. Me: Very droll, it is to laugh. Deviant Boy: I said move! And with a final shove one of the legs of the chair that Weasly Crusher was sitting in broke sending Weasly Crusher tumbling to the floor. Collateral Darren: Another chair broken.

Blobert Smith: Gamers and poorly constructed chairs are natural enemies. Weasly Crusher: I think I landed on an Elric mini. Deviant Boy: Well we dont have any more chairs so I guess we need to pull another orange crate out of storage. Collateral Darren: Were all out of orange crates but we still have about 12 milk crates. Old Yellowbelly: Isnt taking those things illegal? Cheating Bastard: Its a non-enforceable law like tearing the tags off of mattresses, trading bootleg videotapes and bestiality. Deviant Boy: And thank heavens for that the bootleg tape thing I mean. Me: Cheating Bastard, I know you love to give legal advice but dont you think it would be wiser to get accepted to law school first? Cheating Bastard: Ive already skimmed the required reading. I know as much as your average paralegal. Deviant Boy: Yeah but most of the paralegals Ive known go into the porn industry after a few years because they find it more lifeaffirming. Old Yellowbelly: Wow. I may never look at Teenage Ass Bangers the same way again. Me: I didnt think you could really skim the Law. Cheating Bastard: Oh dont be silly. Gaming and the law are practically the same thing. All you have to do is read the basic rule set, skim the flavor text and then cherry pick what you need from the supplements.

Collateral Darren: Except in this situation the Constitution is the basic rule set, the other laws are the supplements and the case histories are the flavor text. Asenath: Im back. Deviant Boy: Well have a seat right here on this milk crate. Asenath: Sorry but if I wanted to have welts on my ass... Me: Whose turn was it again? The game continued, we moved our heroes around the Outer Region of the board, building them up with magic items, followers and experience points. Old Yellowbellys Pirate blundered into the Timescape and ended up getting lost there for a few turns. My Valkrie had a run in with a dragon and a lion but was ultimately killed by Asenaths Samurai. Then the Samurai was killed by Cheating Bastards runesword carrying Warrior of Chaos. Rehab Boys Merchant was imprisoned by El Disgustos Inquisitor. Blobert Smiths Archeologist was fireballed to death by Collateral Darrens Wizard. Deviant Boys and Weasly Crushers Heroes wandered the board aimlessly, racking up kills and alignment changes. Me: So my new Hero is an Amazon? Asenath: Ive got the Centaur. Blobert Smith: I am now an Astropath, just like WARHAMMER 40K isnt it? Collateral Darren: Yeah, there is a lot of crossover between the game and WARHAMMER. Rehab Boy: I sure wish there was a 40K role playing game. El Disgusto: That would be awesome.

Cheating Bastard: Nah, it probably wouldnt make it past the first supplement. Collateral Darren: Ok whose next? Old Yellowbelly: Well I rolled a 5 so I end up on the same square as the Minotaur. I attack! Weasly Crusher: What did I ever do to you? Old Yellowbelly: Hey this is Talisman; its every man for himself and God against all. Weasly Crusher: Ok. I rolled a 12. Old Yellowbelly: I rolled a 2. Oh no Asenath: How many lives do you have left? Old Yellowbelly: Now? None. El Disgusto: Ha Ha! You suck. Collateral Darren: Drop all your treasure into the spot your Hero died in and draw a new Hero. Old Yellowbelly: Ok Ive got a Dragon Priest. Weasly Crusher: My Minotaur heads to the Chapel. Rehab Boy: Goin to the chapel and were gonna get married El Disgusto: Ok my Inquisitor has had enough of this crap and he decides to cross into the Middle Region. Cheating Bastard: Are you sure? Your character only has two lives left. El Disgusto: I know what Im doing.

Collateral Darren: To cross into the Middle Region your character must face the Black Knight. El Disgusto: Ok Im rolling the dice now. Me: And youre losing a life now. El Disgusto: This never would have happened if I was playing a ninja. Cheating Bastard: And my Hero draws a new Adventure card and gets. A Talisman! All right! Old Yellowbelly: Some people have all the luck. Rehab Boy: And all the armor and all the weapons and mules and unicorns. Cheating Bastard: Well you know what they say unlucky in love and all that. Me: I like to think we make our own luck, either in games or in matters of love. Asenath: Love is just another word for lust. Deviant Boy: Exactly. Blobert Smith: I beg to differ; a world without love is like a version of DUNGEONS & DRAGONS that does not use D12. Can you imagine a world so hellish and broken inside? Asenath: Can you imagine a world where people didnt get all torn up about what they wanted? Me: No one gets everything they want. Deviant Boy: Hey shes got a point, in the five years Ive known you, all youve done is search for love and then whine when you didnt get it. Maybe if you just banged a few chicks and cleared out your snorkel once in a while you might be a little less miserable.

Me: And what if I catch a venereal disease? What if I get some girl I dont give a damn about pregnant? Asenath: Life is full of what ifs. What if you get run over crossing the street? What if you never get published? What if you accidentally tear half your ear off in a freak power window accident? Weasly Crusher: Im just glad there was an ice machine nearby. Collateral Darren: I myself believe that love is real but it is an ideal that must be aspired to. Me: Exactly. Collateral Darren: That is why I have vowed only to lose my virginity to Stevie Nicks. El Disgusto: Is this before or after you go to live in Alaska with the bears? Collateral Darren: My life plan is pretty fluid all I know is that our love child will be the Kwisatz Haderach of death metal. Me: Sure. Weasly Crusher: Right. Cheating Bastard: Hey can we please get back to me kicking your butts at this game? The other players started to converge on Cheating Bastard, each one attacking with every spell and magic item they had. The game rules stated that whenever one player defeated another player in combat the winner could either take a life, a bag of gold or an item from the loser. So everyone was trying to get their hands on the talisman the Warrior of Chaos was gleefully carrying around the Outer Region of the board. Two hours later every other player had died twice and Cheating Bastards character had become a wandering god.

Collateral Darren: You know I think at this point your character should be able to march right to the Crown of Command and win. Cheating Bastard: Wheres the fun in that? I havent become the Kings Champion yet! Rehab Boy: Yeah but youve already been the Master Thief and the Sherriff. Weasly Crusher: And now youre the High Mage. Me: Which explains why my Scientist has become a Toad with 5 warrants for his arrest. Cheating Bastard: My Hero visits the Chapel to get healed. Weasly Crusher: Goin to the chapel and were gonna get married El Disgusto: Was that joke EVER funny? Cheating Bastard: And in my capacity has High Mage I cast a Fireball spell at the Ghoul! El Disgusto: Great now my guy is dead again. Me: Ha-ha you suck. Blobert Smith: And my Gypsy retrieves the Fireball spell from the discard pile and casts it back at Cheating Bastards High Mage Warrior of Chaos. I like to think she does so because she was born in the wagon of a travelin show and her Momma used to dance for the money theyd throw. Cheating Bastard: Fine then I cast a reflection spell and send it back at her Blobert Smith: And she retrieves that spell from the discard pile and uses it to reflect the reflection spell.

Cheating Bastard: Bullshit! Blobert Smith: No it says right here on the character sheet that she can do this. Cheating Bastard: Its still bullshit and I loathe bullshit in all of its forms. Collateral Darren: But its in the rules. Cheating Bastard: Bullshit. Me: The only thing that bugs me is the idea that you could take an entire ethnic group and turn them into a caricature for a board game. Weasly Crusher: But gypsies are in all kinds of stories and movies. Me: Yeah but it is kind of offensive just the same, there is a rich culture and history there that gets completely glossed over in favor of some kind of Universal Horror movie clich. El Disgusto: Oh my God you are such a pussy Ab3. Its a stupid board game not an ethnic slur. It isnt like someone made gypsies some kind of a weird character class in a role playing game. Me: Man that would be tasteless. I just think we as gamers should be more culturally sensitive. Asenath: Tough talk from the guy playing the Zulu. Cheating Bastard: Enough of this. I cast Feeble Mind at the Gypsy. Blobert Smith: And she casts it back. Cheating Bastard: I cast Warp Gate. Blobert Smith: And so do I. Cheating Bastard: Alchemy! I turn my spare sword into gold.

Blobert Smith: And I do the same. Cheating Bastard: Immobility! Blobert Smith: Back at you. This went on until they had burned through the spell card deck, reshuffled and burned through it again. I started to worry that the two of them might go on like this all night but soon enough an argument erupted about whether or not a magic user could cast Counterspell against the Gypsies special ability. The fight went back and forth until Cheating Bastard made an unkind remark about Fascination Street and Blobert Smith attacked looking for all the world like an enraged bull dressed like the vampire Lestat. When we finally managed to pry the two of them apart we made a startling discovery. Weasly Crusher: Youveyouve got Talisman cards hidden everywhere. In your waistband, in your socks, in your pockets. Everywhere! Me: You were cheating at Talisman? Do you have any idea how sad that is? Cheating Bastard: Oh come on its a game. Me: Yes a game you were cheating at. Cheating Bastard: Its a game you big baby. Whats the matter Ab3? Is your ego so broken you cant stand losing? Do you bitch and whine over chutes and ladders too? Me: This is without a doubt the stupidest argument Ive ever had. El Disgusto: What about the time I said that Doctor Who could regenerate into a woman? Me: Hey! Dont you start!

A knock at the door interrupted me before I could remind El Disgusto that the protagonist of the TV show DOCTOR WHO was called The Doctor not Doctor Who. Deviant Boy got up to answer it. Me: Oh look. The police- again. Deviant Boy: Were we too loud officers? Blobert Smith: Perhaps so. My battle cry is a high pitched keening thing. Police Officer #1: Do you two idiots have any idea how tired we are of having to come over here? Collateral Darren: Since our taxes pay your salary I think you should be a little more respectful. Police Officer #2: Respectful or not we have a warrant for your arrest. Deviant Boy: I knew those bootleg copies of BIG BAD MAMA would be the end of us. Police Officer #1: No actually this is because hes been passing bad checks under an assumed name. Police Officer #2: Yes apparently you bought hundreds of dollars worth of merchandise from a local game store with checks belonging to a Skippy Vanderhausen. Collateral Darren: I think youre very mistaken. Police Officer #1: Who knows you might have gotten away with it if you hadnt posted a notice looking for players for something called BATTLETECH with your real name and address at the bottom. Police Officer #2: I just hope youre going to come along quietly this

time. Collateral Darren: I hope you realize that were in the middle of a game here. Maybe you should come back later. Id hate to have to contact your supervisor. Police Officer: #1: The pepper spray it is then. Collateral Darren: IEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! Police Officer #2: Now what is the deal with all these milk crates? Deviant Boy: I think I can explain Needless to say the Talisman game and accessories were taken in as evidence, so were the milk crates. Collateral Darren, Deviant Boy and Cheating Bastard were all arrested. Cheating Bastard might have gone home that night if he hadnt loudly started to argue that some of the Talisman cards were actually his and the police couldnt take them unless they could tell him what the elements of theft were. The rest of us stood outside the apartment each of us reeked of pepper spray, bleach and frustration. Me: Well here we are again. Asenath: This is the part of our evenings I never missed. Blobert Smith: Perhaps my lady I might be able to offer you a ride home in my Goth-mobile. El Disgusto: Its a Ford Escort! Asenath: Oh Blobby, I dont know. I mean I think maybe we both still need some space. Blobert Smith: Space? Why should we allow space to separate us when our bodies want nothing more than to congeal together into a pulsing sensual mass? Join me in my car and after ice cream we will

park near the airport and as your feet press against the back window, my body will crash against yours again and again like a fleshy surf breaking against the coastline of your womanhood. Rehab Boy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! We stood there for a moment watching Rehab Boy run screaming into the night. Old Yellowbelly: I have a funny feeling hes going to lose those sobriety chips tonight. El Disgusto: Hey was supposed to be my ride home. Nice going fartknocker. Which of you losers is going to drive me home? Old Yellowbelly: I would but my car is full of Amway merchandise. Me: Id rather have hot lead poured in my navel. Blobert Smith: I had planned to wander shirtless through a disused cemetery in tribute to my ennui. You could wait in the car if you like El Disgusto: Screw that and screw you. Especially you Ab3. Me: Bye now. I watched him trudge off and disappear into the shadows. Blobert Smith: I must go as well, the broken mausoleum of my dreams awaits. Old Yellowbelly: Yeah I better get home too, Ive got to get up early anyway. Me: What do you do for a living anyway?

Old Yellowbelly: Im a security guard at a bank. Me: Oh my Lord. Blobert Smith and Old Yellowbelly drove off. I suddenly began to feel strangely uncomfortable. I could feel Asenaths eyes on me. I gave her an uncertain smile. Asenath: Well its just us. Me: Well what are you going to do now? Are you going to wait for Deviant Boy or something? Asenath: Hell no. We are the past tense, besides he and Blobert were too needy. Me: Oh? Oh really? Asenath: I am a woman that knows what she wants and what I want is a real man. Me: How very assertive. Asenath: So I think you know what youve got to do here. Me: Look Im really flattered but Im just not I mean its not the baby arm thing not that Im disturbed by it its just that I still believe in love and I know youre not the one I mean sure every other girl I ever thought was the one was actually crazy or mean or both so what the Hell do I know but what Im trying to say is that I just dont Asenath: What the Hell are you talking about? I was trying to get you to leave so Weasly and I can be alone. Me: I... what? Weaslys still here? Weasly Crusher: Dude, Im standing right beside you.

Me: Oh. Oh my God this is so embarrassing. Asenath: Can you go and be embarrassed somewhere else please? Me: Yeah. Yeah sure. I practically ran to my car and headed back to my apartment. My roommate was still out, probably on a hot date. Alone in my bedroom I fired up my word processor. It was a suitcase sized affair with elements of an electric typewriter in the back and an amber monitor roughly the size of a paperback novel in the front. Saving and proofreading my stories on little 3.5 floppy disks made me feel like I was truly a part of the computer age. I would feel very different about it a year or so later when the damn thing broke down and I discovered that hundreds of pages of stories were now saved in a specialized format that only that model number of word processor could read. Did I mention it wasnt made any more? In no time at all I had lost myself in my latest novel in progress, it was about a group of D&D players who end up having to face a dragon in the real world. I was quite happy with some parts of the story, the funny parts were thankfully kind of funny and the strange parts were pretty strange but whenever I got to the part where the protagonists banded together to win the day the story fell apart. I tried approaching the story from another angle but instead of saying things like We can do this guys! or This is our moment! my subconscious kept feeding me dialogue like Ha-ha you suck! and Maybe if you just banged a few chicks and cleared out your snorkel once in a while you might be a little less miserable. I paused and wondered for a moment what Weasly and Asenath were up to at that very moment but my mind refused to let those images linger. Still though, I had to wonder, were they behaving the way twenty-somethings should be behaving? Was I missing out because I was holding out for an ideal instead of sowing my wild oats? Did I even have any wild oats to sow? On a night like this I sure didnt feel like it. I just felt like a punchline, I always felt like a punchline and

in a way it was kind of funny, all my life I had been a class clown but sometimes I felt desperate with the need for someone to take me seriously. Thinking of all the dating disasters I had endured over the last few years I wondered how differently they might have gone if I had been a little more like Deviant Boy and a little less like me. Was I following my heart when I should have been following my prostate? I have to admit but I had to wonder what it would feel like to break someones heart. I always imagined it gave the same kind of satisfaction a Dungeon Master received after plunging a freshly minted player character into a pit trap filled with acid. Everyone from bosses to my grandmother had always told me that the secret to love was to treat every princess like a whore, that the worse you were to someone you liked the more they would cling to you. They always told me things like Thats how the game is played. But I had never had any intention of using that particular rules set. Now however on the cusp of my twenty-fifth birthday that game was looking better and better. Annoying Girls phone number was in my wallet, I pulled it out and stared at it for a long good while. Would it be so bad so Lawful Evil? A girl like her a fat girl she had to be used to spending her nights alone. She might be glad of a little attention. And after I used her and never called her again I would know what it felt like to leave someone feeling like the fool. She would be the one waiting by the phone for a call that never came- she would be the one wondering what she could have done wrong. She would be the one left hanging. I liked the idea because as I writer I knew there was nothing worse than to be left hanging, to be left wondering what was going to happen next.

Rpg.net Rant#21

The Last Straw Trilogy Part Three: ONCE MORE WITH FILKING originally posted on 8-15-2008, 08:27 AM

WARNING WHAT YOU SEE HERE IS A PREMISE STRETCHED TO ITS BREAKING POINT Ever since I had moved into my own place I had refused to allow any gaming there. It was more than worry over lingering odors, clogged toilets or the fact my roommate Lady Cydonia was a very beautiful young woman. After all, windows could be opened to clear the air, a plunger was all you needed to deal with a plugged toilet and Lady Cydonia was more than a match for any lecherous gamer glances and come on lines. My concern was actually with the Lady herself. You see her fiance lived in New York City and had a habit of visiting her at random. When these visits occurred he would quickly drag Lady Cydonia into her room and they would as the kids say these days get busy. Running a game for the likes of El Disgusto and Collateral Darren was hard enough but I knew it would be impossible to do so with sounds of vigorous lovemaking and the music of Kitaro bleeding in through the living room wall. Tonight however was different, Lady Cydonia was in NYC with her fiance for the weekend. That meant that as she indulged in a few days of sightseeing, shopping with a side of hot and cold running romance; I had the apartment to myself. I was more than ready for a few quiet days of relative peace and quiet, my night with Annoying Girl had gone much differently than I had expected and had left me with a lot to think about. However when the time came to actually consider what had happened that night I found myself instead trying to keep busy doing things like folding laundry or writing mostly folding laundry really.

So as you can imagine when Weasly Crusher called me to ask if there was any sign of a game on the horizon I was more than willing to throw caution to the wind and have the whole damn gang come over. My only stipulation was that they had to each make sure they brought pre-generated D&D characters as well as refreshments or toilet paper. Within an hour Collateral Darren, Blobert Smith, Deviant Boy, Weasly Crusher, El Disgusto and Old Yellowbelly were sitting around my dining room table. Me: So let me get this straight, Cheating Bastard is out of the group? Weasly Crusher: Well we all had a sit down with him and told him that from now on if he wanted to game with us he couldnt use his own dice, he had to use someone elses. Deviant Boy: And he had to roll in plain view of the entire group. Me: Well happened? Collateral Darren: He got angry, said we were lousy Christians and then got violent. El Disgusto: Well not that violent. He only punched Weasly. Old Yellowbelly: That was violent enough, I had to hide in the closet. El Disgusto: Weasly should be used to it by now. Hell I punch him when the drive through gets our orders wrong. Weasly just rubbed his shoulder and glared sullenly at that. Me: So hes out huh? Another player gone, how many is this now that Rehab Boy is back in Rehab? El Disgusto: Who cares?

Blobert Smith: We meet at the table of the world to play the great role playing game that is life. New characters appear as others fade into the background; each participants passing from the table leaves only a memory and an empty chair. As the focus of the campaign shifts from drama to low comedy to horror it is our duty to keep playing until the one day the grief of being surrounded by so many empty chairs forces us to bow out as well. El Disgusto: God I hate you. Me: Blobert you never fail to disappoint. Collateral Darren: By the way I brought soda and a Paladin. Old Yellowbelly: I brought a fighter and some cookies. Deviant Boy: I brought chips and a female magic user, but get this shes a furry. Top that Blobert! Blobert Smith: Very well. I have brought a half-elven psionist with an unnatural attraction to underage illithid maidens. I have also brought toilet paper as soft as the chin of a twelve year old boy. Deviant Boy: Damn. El Disgusto: Blobert, did I mention I hate you? Weasly Crusher: Hey. You guys told me I had to bring a whole sub platter! El Disgusto: Actually I said you should do it if you know whats good for you because Im not bringing one thing more than a ninja and some attitude. Me: Ok. Thanks for the sub platter Weasly and what kind of character are you going to play? El Disgusto: Does it matter? Itll just be dead in the first twenty minutes anyway.

Weasly Crusher: Actually I thought I would play a cleric so the party needs to help my character stay alive. Deviant Boy: Well done! Old Yellowbelly: I wish Id thought of that. Blobert Smith: I find that both in Dungeons and Dragons as well as mainstream fantasy literature the most effective adventuring parties are essentially co-dependent. Me: Be that as it may oh wait. I left my dice in my room. Hang on for a second. My room was cluttered with books, role playing games and piles of uncompleted manuscripts. After some searching I found my dicebag near my small portable TV. I took a moment to pause at the photograph I had set down beside my word processor; it was of a smiling couple standing on the deck of one of Lake Georges steamboats. When I got back to the table I found everyone had helped themselves to food and they had even been kind enough to set aside a plate and can of soda for me as well. I forced my mind back to the game, after a few sips of soda and had a bite to eat as I got my maps and graph paper together. Collateral Darren: Hey Ab3 are these your records? Me: Yes. Collateral Darren: You do know vinyl is dead right? There are these things called CDs now. Me: Yes I do know that and I do have a lot of CDs but I dont have the money to replace all my music in one fell swoop.

Collateral Darren: Well there isnt much I see here that is worth replacing. Me: Well thanks. It's good to know you're an 18th level music critic. Collateral Darren: I mean look at this- ELO Greatest Hits, REO Speedwagon Greatest Hits, ZZ Top? It's like Top 40 alphabet soup. Me: I enjoy the music, what's the big deal? Collateral Darren: I guess you're a pop music kind of guy. Look at this, I haven't seen this much Olivia Newton John outside of a garage sale. Me: 'Physical' is a great album. Collateral Darren: Well she is not what I would call relevant... Xanadu? You have the soundtrack to Xanadu? Blobert Smith: Ah Xanadu. That most Thomas Ligotti-esque of musicals. Weasly Crusher: What? What are you talking about? El Disgusto: NO! Don't get him started. Blobert Smith: Consider the plot if you would dear Weasly. An otherworldly creature comes to Earth in the early 1970s much as she has once every generation since time began. She schemes and inveigles to draw together a musician whose soul she crushed a in the distant past with an artist of dubious merit. And what does this socalled muse inspire these men to do? To open a roller disco. A roller disco in the twilight of the disco era. And not just any roller disco! Xanadu is the all singing, all dancing, mime infested apotheosis of roller discos. How could these two men not fail utterly? How could they not find themselves destroyed financially and emotionally? Meanwhile our anti-heroine Kira has already retreated back to her realm of neon madness leaving only a dull eyed simulacrum in her place to torment the men further. The horror of it! The soul-rending horror!

Deviant Boy: Wow.... Just wow. El Disgusto: I warned you damnit. Collateral Darren: Hmmm Stevie Nicks, no problem there. Oh wait. Holy crap. ...Vanity 6, Vanity, Apollonia 6. I really hope you just got these to whack off to the covers. El Disgusto: Why are there socks on them? Me: Always gotta be riding that ragged edge of disaster don't you? Blobert Smith: Perhaps it is just as well that the musical genre is dead. Old Yellowbelly: It isn't dead. People go to see musicals all the time. El Disgusto: Only gay people, tourists and old ladies watch musicals. Weasly Crusher: Guys can we start playing? Deviant Boy: I think 'Oh Calcutta' is worth seeing. Me: This musical genre is not dead. In fact it can be pretty inventive. Have any of you seen 'Sweeney Todd'? Weasly Crusher: Can we start soon? Collateral Darren: 'Howard the Duck?' You have the soundtrack to 'Howard the Duck'? My God man. And by the way, musicals are corny. El Disgusto: Even worse, musicals are stupid. I mean how can you believe in a world where people just break into a song about how the sun is shining? Me: This from a man that believes the ninja Jiraiya was a real person. El Disgusto: He was a real person dumbass.

Me: He was a folk legend. They said he could turn himself into a toad! There's no proof. El Disgusto: The fact there is no proof, proves that he did exist. He was such a great ninja that he hid from history itself. Now that is a stealth roll. Weasly Crusher: Guys I'm here to play D&D. Can we start soon? Collateral Darren: Oh I don't believe this! Roy Orbison? Me: Don't diss the Big O, just don't. Collateral Darren: He was a Traveling Wilbury dude. Suddenly the conversation was drowned out by the wail of a guitar. The walls of the room seemed to fall away into a smoky white field full of shifting shapes that seemed to almost take on form only to recede a heartbeat later. The wailing of the guitar resolved itself into a familiar, slightly racist guitar lick from the 1980's... Weasly Crusher: (To the tune of 'Turning Japanese' by the Vapors) I've got some d10s they're red and blue There's some d20s and pencils too I've got no handbook but I've memorized the rules I'll play a cleric in robes of brown He'll wield a bludgeon but not in town He'll fight the monsters where's there's treasure to be found I'll play a cleric, I'll play a cleric He'll have an 18 wisdom for casting spells Don't want no wizard, don't want no ninja Let the fighters hog up all of the kills I've got him statted up and written down He's in the tavern waiting 'round Playing D&D We're here to play some D&D

I hope we start soon Playing D&D We're here to play some D&D I hope we start soon Playing D&D We're here to play some D&D I hope we start soon Playing D&D We're here to play some D&D I hope we start soon I packed my caltrops, and extra torches If you need mapping better get someone else I want adventure and random mayhem And to divest all those kobolds of wealth Let's get that marching order written down We'll soon be fighting underground Playing D&D We're here to play some I hope we start soon Playing D&D We're here to play some I hope we start soon Playing D&D We're here to play some I hope we start soon Playing D&D We're here to play some I hope we start soon D&D D&D D&D D&D

No sex, no drugs, no wine, no women Just chips and soda and games we play until dark The table it is crowded with English Majors The table it is crowded with minimum wagers Everyone... That's why we're playing D&D We're here to play some D&D I hope we start soon

Playing D&D We're here to play some D&D I hope we start soon Playing D&D We're here to play some D&D I hope we start soon Playing D&D We're here to play some D&D I hope we start soon ... my dining room had become an overlit music video set, the other players had become a backing band. I could only sit there in my chair frozen in disbelief as I waited for the guitar solo to end. Weasly Crusher: Playing D&D We're here to play some D&D I hope we start soon Playing D&D We're here to play some D&D I hope we start soon Playing D&D We're here to play some D&D I hope we start soon, start soon Playing D&D We're here to play some D&D I hope we start soon The music faded, the room seemed to settle back into its familiar shape. The players returned to their seats, their instruments gone as though they had never been there at all. I tried to speak but I was frozen in place. What had happened here? Was I going mad? El Disgusto: Hello! Earth to Ab3! Let's get this show on the road.

Me: Yes. Yes of course. Let's get this song on the- show on the road. Collateral Darren: You sure you're OK man? You look a little off. El Disgusto: You should see his girlfriend. Me: What? Oh, well our adventure begins in the World of Greyhawk, your characters are all veterans of the fourth great war against the Orc empire. An army made up of forces from the human and dwarven empires were able to drive back the Orc forces but the elves chose to remain neutral. This terrible war has left the economy of Greyhawk in a shambles. Crime and poverty are rampant. Old Yellowbelly: Is it safe for my fighter to walk around at night? Should he hire a bodyguard? Collateral Darren: An interesting campaign world but what is the dragon to halfling ratio? Deviant Boy: You know what a war means? Hot refugee chicks! Hot refugee chicks willing to do anything for a warm blanket and a crust of bread. Blobert Smith: My character deals with his post traumatic stress by putting porridge up his nose on moonlit nights. Weasly Crusher: Why would he- El Disgusto: Don't! Just don't. Me: Your characters are in a local tavern waiting for an old man who has promised you a map to the location of an ancient treasure. You are all sitting around waiting- El Disgusto: I am sharpening my katana on a mithral whetstone. Me: Why would you do that? El Disgusto: So it will be super thin and super sharp.

Me: It will be super broken. El Disgusto: My character has invented the monofilament blade a thousand years early. Blobert Smith: I beg your pardon but I must abscond to the rest room. Please continue without me and please consider that my character is an eager participant in all that the party does. I watched Blobert stagger away from the table. For a moment I thought the shadows of the room clutched after him but then I was sure it was just me being tired. I sat back down in my chair, unsure when I had stood. El Disgusto: Since he's up for whatever we do let's kill his character. Deviant Boy: No! Collateral Darren: Are we here to play or screw with each other? Weasly Crusher: Don't ask questions like that, you won't like the answer. Me: You all sit around in the tavern, discussing your ambitions and backstories. Then you see him, an old man eating a modest meal and watching you intently. Deviant Boy: My wizardess wets her lips. Me: The old man gets unsteadily to his feet and hobbles over to you. You can see he has a long white beard and a blue wizard's cap. He asks 'Are you the Legion of Virtue'? Collateral Darren: As far as he knows yes. Old Yellowbelly: I hide under the table in case he is a wight in disguise.

Me: He says 'I have heard that you are noble warriors eager for adventure and gold. Weasly Crusher: My cleric explains that he goes where his god tells him. Me: The old man says, 'I have need of such heroes for a great undertaking. This yellowed parchment in my hand is the only surviving map to the tomb of Shartok the Unattractive. A wizard so ugly that he turned away from all human contact in pursuit of his dubious arts. El Disgusto: Well I guess you DM what you know. Old Yellowbelly: I'm still under the table. Deviant Boy: My wizardess runs her hands provocatively up and down her staff. Weasly Crusher: What the Hell are you doing? Deviant Boy: She's looking for a high level sugar daddy. Collateral Darren: Shhh! I want to hear where he's going with this. Me: The old man explains that the tomb is full of all the gold and jewels you could ever want and all he needs in return is an object at the heart of the dungeon- the Xenon Codex, a crystal spellbook that- Collateral Darren: I nod knowingly to the ninja. El Disgusto: I kill the old man. My venerable sage never stood a chance. He died on the floor of an imaginary tavern choking on his imaginary blood. The headache I felt forming behind my forehead however? That was all too real. Old Yellowbelly: I run for the door.

Collateral Darren: We relieve the old man of the map. We don't need no stinkin' quest we can just keep all the treasure for ourselves. Deviant Boy: Cutting out the middleman. I like it, unless of course you're having a threesome. Weasly Crusher: Oh my sweet lord. Me: Outraged the bouncers descend on you, other people are screaming for the town guard. El Disgusto: Ah the forces of law and order. Collateral Darren: In other words, easy XP. The party, except for Blobert's and Old Yellowbellys characters, waded into the helpless town guards. Hacking and slashing their way out of the town. For better or worse the adventure was on its way, not how I had expected, but it was on its way. Me: Did you have to destroy the entire town? El Disgusto: What is looting without a little pillaging? Deviant Boy: We make our way to the forest and camp in the woods. We send Old Yellowbelly out to gather some firewood. Old Yellowbelly: Alone? Maybe we should all go together, theres safety in numbers you know. El Disgusto: Just go. If we hear bloodcurdling screams well probably send Weasly to save you. Collateral Darren: Ok we check out the map. Me: You see it is in gnomish.

El Disgusto: Hey dumbass no one in the party speaks gnomish. Me: Well how about that? Maybe running the old man through wasnt such a good idea after all. Weasly Crusher: I knew it. El Disgusto: Oh what is this crap? Collateral Darren: Fine I just say we keep on pillaging and looting. Deviant Boy: Can we get some raping in too? Old Yellowbelly: Your character is a female. Deviant Boy: She has a staff. Me: Guys we have a whole scenario ahead of us here. I didnt work two days on a game world for you guys just to engage in pointless random violence. El Disgusto: Were Chaotic Neutral, thats practically a get out of plot developments free card. Me: No. Im going to put my foot down on this one. Before we could argue further the apartment shook with a wet THUMP sound. Weasly Crusher: Oh my God what was that? Old Yellowbelly: Is it the apocalypse? Me: Blobert? Blobert Smith: Damn you General Tso! DAMN YOU!!!!

I got up and ran to the bathroom to find Blobert sprawled face first on the tiles; dazedly trying to raise himself. His pants were still around his ankles, my toilet was brimming with organic foulness. See what I mean about gamers and toilets? What the Hell... Anyway, I helped Blobert reorganize himself and we sat on the edge of my bathtub. I tried to ignore the smell coming from my toilet but wondered if porcelain could melt. Me: Blobert. What the hell happened there? Do you need to go to the hospital? Blobert Smith: This is merely a symptom of my passion for all things culinary. Me: You mean your diabetes? Aren't you taking care of it? Blobert Smith: I am meeting the enemy head on. I will not curb my appetites for the sake of a genetic discrepancy. I will not go gently into that good diet. Me: Are you serious about this? You want to die? Blobert Smith: Death is not to be feared it is simply a saving throw that grows more difficult with the passing of time. Me: What was that whole thing about General Tso? Blobert Smith: I think perhaps I over-indulged on the good general's chicken dish before I came here. You see I have been forced to go to the Chinese buffet because I have been banned from the Golden Corral for life. Me: Uh, why? Blobert Smith: Let me only say that if eating macaroni and cheese directly from the steam trays is wrong than I have no desire to ever be right.

Me: I tell you what, why dont you head down back to the table and Ill clean up in here somehow. Blobert Smith: Yes. Perhaps there are some cookies left. Me: Great. Blobert Smith: Please do not tell the others of this, I am something of a role model to them. Me: Are you sure you dont need to go to the hospital? Cleanup wasnt as bad I had feared. It was worse. Years later I have to wonder how he managed to get feces under the rim of the toilet seat. Thats the kind of trick no Dex modifier can simulate. A can of Lysol later I headed back to the table. The cookies were gone and my players were animatedly discussing the merits of the bastard sword versus the long sword. Me: Ok now that youve brought Blobert up to speed Collateral Darren: You wanted us to do that? Me: Well I assumed El Disgusto: Does he really need to know? All hes going to do is his foofy poetry stuff. Me: All right let me quickly recap what you missed. Collateral Darren: No. I can do it. You get organized for the tomb. Me: Well I appreciate tha- Then it a happened again. The air of my living room was filled with the sounds of easy listening music. Collateral Darren stood and the recap

began. Collateral Darren: (To the tune of 'Escape aka The Pina Colada Song by Rupert Holmes) There was a man in the tavern Wizened, grasping a map With a long white beard And blue wizard's cap So he sat there nursing His mug of ale and his bread And when he spied our party He came right over and said If you crave jewels and adventure And can shrug off some pain If don't fear the undead If your bloodlust won't wane If you want bags of gold and silver I've a quest that can't wait We'll just take this old map here And we'll march for the gates. The stage lights were everywhere again and Collateral Darren was rocking the room in true lounge lizard style. Once again the rest if the gang had become his backing band in a scene reminiscent of the best work of Lancelot Link and The Evolution Revolution. Collateral Darren: We didn't think about the morals And what we did might seem mean But we knew that this dungeon Would raise us up a few levels with ease So I glanced at the ninja And he knew what to do He swiftly drew his katana And ran that old man right through

Yes we like jewels and adventure And we'll go on your quest But we won't share our damn loot As I'm sure you have guessed And don't you worry 'bout that treasure map It's just something we'll take So we'll leave you to bleed out We thank you for the break. I dont know where the studio audience came from, my sense of direction and balance had been lost to me a dozen stanzas ago. I tried to get up from my chair, I tried speak but it was like one of nightmares where you know youre dreaming and know if you could just call for help, if you could just cry out, you would waken yourself to a saner world. No words escaped my lips, I couldnt even hum along. Collateral Darren: So we fought past the bouncers The city guard and the mob We raided all the local merchants And found a magic shop to could rob Once the town was in ruins We took a glance at the map Then we saw it was in gnomish And we said, What is this crap? We don't want maps with gnome-codes All we want is gold quick But the DM has screwed us Because he acts like a prick So we'll just wander through the campaign world Finding stuff we can take Cause when youre Chaotic Neutral You can act like a flake If you crave jewels and adventure And can shrug off some pain

If don't fear the undead If your bloodlust won't wane If you want bags of gold and silver We've a mission to take Because peasants can't fight back In their boots they will quake It all began to fade out, the music, the voices, the stage, and the props. I was back in reality again, my eyes wide, my pulse racing. Collateral Darren: Yes we like Jewels and adventure Only just on our terms But we won't fight no dragons And we hate purple worms So we'll just wander through the campaign world Because we're PCs in an game And can do what we all like No DM can complain Blobert Smith: So thats what happened, a fairly standard campaign opening for us really. What town shall we raid next? Me: I Uh I did anyone hear that? Collateral Darren: Hear what? Me: Never mind. It must have been the house settling. Deviant Boy: You live in an apartment. Me: Anyway, I am not running a game where you run around like a bunch of kill happy lunatics. Blobert Smith: In our defense it is what we do best. Me: No. In fact the god Boccob appears before you and says that for

your crimes you must go to the Tomb of Shartok the Unattractive and retrieve the Xenon Codex. If not he will destroy you and the world utterly. El Disgusto: Whats in it for us? Deviant Boy: Now let me get this straight, weve got the god Boccob ticked off at us. Me: Yes. Deviant Boy: Thats Boccob the Uncaring. Me: For the last time yes. And he transports you all into the dungeon. El Disgusto: Fine we leave. Me: And he teleports you right back. Deviant Boy: Again this is Boccob the Uncaring doing this. Me: Must be having an off day I guess. Blobert Smith: My character is more than eager to take up the quest. Shall we establish a marching order? I started to set out the maps and miniatures for the first encounter. I had decided to start out with something simple, a small group of goblins to wet their appetites for destruction. Imagine my surprise when one of the goblin minis leapt from my hand, climbed on top of a d12 and started to singGoblin Mini: (To the tune of 'Welcome to the Jungle by Guns and Roses) Welcome to the Dungeon We've got wights and ghouls We've certain death for all Adventurers and fools

This is the crypt where you can find Stirge and strangle weed And if you fight the Neo-otyugh You can brag about the deed In the Dungeon Welcome to the Dungeon Watch it grind up your Hada dada da HPs, HPs No, no you can't bring your steed Of course the other minis had joined in on the musical interlude; lead swords had become guitars, staves had become microphone stands. The other minis danced and cheered. Goblin Mini: Welcome to the Dungeon There's more orcs everyday Ya learn to avoid the pit traps Or your lungs they'll perforate If you brought torches to help you see You use them up eventually You never know where the rot grubs are So watch out where you pee At that moment I had to wonder who might come for me first, then men in white coats or the Recording Industry Association of America. I also couldnt decide which option was more terrifying. Goblin Mini: In the Dungeon Welcome to the Dungeon Watch it grind up your Hada dada da HPs, HPs No, no you can't bring your steed When you rise in levels The vampires will drain you back down

Back down, back down, back down You know where you are You're in the Dungeon baby You're gonna die In the Dungeon Welcome to the Dungeon Watch it grind up your Hada dada da HPs, HPs In the Dungeon Welcome to the Dungeon Where the, the, the ooze is green In the Dungeon Welcome to the Dungeon Watch it grind up your Hada dada da HPs, HPs In the Dungeon Welcome to the Dungeon Watch it grind down your It's gonna grind your down HUH! Collateral Darren: Ok weve decided. Where should we place our minis? Me: I I think well how did they get up there on those dice? Just a minute guys The party did surprising well; they relied on Weaslys cleric to turn most of the undead and made quick work of the occasional kobold. Old Yellowbelly stayed behind the rest of the party but his fighters girlish screams made an excellent rear guard for them. Soon enough they were getting weighted down with treasure and they hadnt even gotten near the Xenon Codex yet. There was a brief pause in the action as Blobert stood. Blobert Smith: I require more soda. Where is the bottle of RC cola?

Weasly Crusher: Right beside you. Collateral Darren: You know Ive always wondered how come none of you guys like Mountain Dew? Me: Because. Just because. A ripping sound interrupted us and I saw that in the act of bending over Blobert had ripped open the seat of his pants. Blobert Smith: Blast! El Disgusto: Too funny! Old Yellowbelly: That stinks man. Blobert Smith: Its no bother. Old Yellowbelly: No I mean that literally stinks, do you ever change your underwear? Blobert Smith: Sadly the washing of my loins has become a torturous experience at best. Deviant Boy: Now how many pairs of pants has this been for you? Me: Does this happen a lot? Blobert Smith turned to look at me and I heard the first strains of another 80s guitar riff. The rest of my gaming group had their instruments in hand and Blobert was standing before a microphone. The audience that surrounded me was churning and faceless. When Blobert sang his entire body seemed to quiver and gyrate with a kind of non-Euclidean choreography. Blobert Smith: (To the tune of 'Shes Lost Control by Joy Divison) The tearing in my breeches says it all

I've split my pants And I feel the fabric pulling from my thighs I've split my pants And there will soon be a draft upon on my ass Because I've split my pants again For cookies and pies to me are like crack I said I've split my pants again The guitar work was intense; I didnt think Old Yellowbelly had it in him. He usually hated loud noises. Bloberts hair was flying about his head as he danced; I thought to myself that he look like a blurred nightmare vision in frilled sleeves and crushed velvet. Then I cursed as I realized he had me doing it. Blobert Smith: There are no Goth shops in big and tall I said I've split my pants again Soon all I'll have to wear is overalls and slacks I said I've split my pants again And I got banned from Jenny Craig for bringing snacks I've split my pants again And I've lost the zipper right off of my fly I said I've split my pants I've split my pants again I've split my pants I've split my pants again I've split my pants Oh the humanity! Oh the Gothsanity! Again I tried to make sense of what was happening. Was I hallucinating? It was hard to tell because I had experienced so few hallucinations in my life. A lot of delusions, but no hallucinations. Blobert Smith:

Well the doctor pleads with me to slow my pace And sees I've split my pants again Because my waistline conspires to give my heart the shakes I split my pants again But I can't stay on a diet when there are cakes That's why I split my pants again And I will never choose a salad over the grave you see I've split my pants I've split my pants again I've split my pants I've split my pants again I've split my pants And then it was over again. I blinked my eyes experimentally, terrified that another musical number might burst to life any moment. Collateral Darren: Are you ok? Me: WHY? Do do I look like theres something wrong? Collateral Darren: Youre crumpling the Dungeon Masters screen in your hands. Me: Oh. Oh. It must be gas. Yeah I must have gas. Weasly Crusher: Youre sweaty, trembling and your eyes are bugging out. I havent seen you look like this since the year they canceled Doctor Who. Me: They did not cancel Doctor Who! They turned it into a novel range so they could tell stories that were too broad and deep for the small screen. Deviant Boy: Okaaaaay then. Can we get back to the game? Me: Sure sure. I think you had all just discovered a group of bugbears living in the dungeon. Apparently they broke through of one the tomb walls and started nesting here. There are dozens of them.

Collateral Darren: More than we can handle in a straight up fight. Maybe we should go around them. Deviant Boy: Ok Ive got an idea, my wizardess and the fighter with the soiled armor will scout ahead and try and find a way through. Old Yellowbelly: Me? Why me? Why not Weaslys character? Collateral Darren: Because we need the cleric alive. Deviant Boy: Trust me. I know what Im doing. Hey Ab3, I bet you never thought those items I insisted my character bring along would come in handy. Me: Actually I prayed nothing like this would happen. Blobert Smith: Pray in one hand and wait for androgynous fairies to dance in the other- see which fills faster. Old Yellowbelly: Thats not how that. never mind. What is this plan? Deviant Boy: Candi the mage has two great skills. One is casting prismatic spray from her crotch- Me: For the last time, no its not. Deviant Boy: Fine, then her only great skill aside from magic is making bear costumes. Now she carries two of them with her at all times. One is for special occasions but I think that in this case shell make an exception. Old Yellowbelly: So we put on the bear costumes to try and fool the bugbears into thinking were part of the pack? Deviant Boy: Exactly. Old Yellowbelly: Thats so crazy it might just get me killed. El Disgusto: Either your character does this or my ninja gets his

murder on. Old Yellowbelly: Rats. Ok I suit up. The fur-clad fighter and wizard crept through the nest of bugbears, for a while they made their stealth roles and the bugbears failed to pay them any attention. Then I got a really good role and they got a really bad one. Old Yellowbelly: Oh no. Oh no. Me: Several of the male bugbears approach you while the females stay back guarding the young. Collateral Darren: Man you guys are so dead. Deviant Boy: Not yet were not. Old Yellowbelly: Well what are we going to do then? Deviant Boy: Just stay down Yellowbelly. Try to make yourself as small and unthreatening as possible. Old Yellowbelly: I do it. Me: The bugbears are drawing closer. Deviant Boy: Now I think what happens next will cause a reaction or morale roll. Blobert Smith: I am either quivering with anticipation or I am going to pass out again. Old Yellowbelly: Do we wait for them to get close and then attack? Deviant Boy: No just have your fighter be as still as you can. Collateral Darren: I dont think playing dead will-

Deviant Boy: My wizardess mounts Old Yellowbellys character and starts humping him. Me: What? Deviant Boy: Make a reaction roll for them. They might just think we are a couple of fellow bugbears getting it on. Me: What? No. Why would I do such a thing? And so began that most time honored tradition in D&D games; the 2 hour argument about nonsense. On one side we had Collateral Darren and Deviant Boy arguing that yes they should be able to convince the other bugbears that Old Yellowbelly is a female and while he causes a distraction, the rest of the party could sneak through the cave unscathed. Weasly Crusher and Old Yellowbelly meanwhile argued that not only was this plan an Intelligence 3 level maneuver, the very idea made no sense because the smells and body language was all wrong. This led to Deviant Boy regaling us with stories about animals that had tried to mate with humans, including a story about a particularly randy giant sea turtle with a scuba diver fixation that left me reeling. This led to a debate over the relative intellect of a giant sea turtle versus your standard bugbear; soon enough old copies of DRAGON magazine where being pulled out so articles could be sited. Meanwhile Blobert Smith and El Disgusto were having their own argument about if animals should have alignments at all. I knew where I stood on that particular argument because my mother had once owned a poodle that could only have been Chaotic Evil. Finally I had to make a ruling and in true Dungeon Master fashion, it was one that nobody was happy with. In order to keep things moving I decreed that yes their insane plan had worked up to a point but several of the bugbears had gotten a free attack on them before they got out. As for Old Yellowbelly, I ruled he got a way with some hit point damage as well but he had retained a shred of his dignity. Once the players had gotten clear and were hidden in a disused catacomb a fresh new argument began.

El Disgusto: Ok cleric-boy make with the heals. Weasly Crusher: I only have one Cure Light Wounds left. El Disgusto: Well lets get to it. Deviant Boy: Whoa wait a minute here, I think the spellcaster should be protected over the ninja. A ninja can just get out of the way of danger. El Disgusto: Yes but the ninja can kill the cleric if he doesn't do the smart thing. Blobert Smith: My character takes the blood from his wounds and the bugbear smegma from Yellowbelly's befouled bear costume and paints an ankh upon his face to appease his god. Collateral Darren: Maybe we should save it until someone is closer to death's door. Old Yellowbelly: My character has three hit points left! That is death's welcome mat. Collateral Darren: But your character was always kobold fodder anyway. Old Yellowbelly: What? My fighter is a critical part of the team. El Disgusto: Only if submissive urination becomes a combat technique. Deviant Boy: Well it is ultimately your characters decision Weasly but my wizardess can make it very worth your while. Two words prismatic spray. Me: For the last time no! Weasly Crusher: I dont know what to do. I was kinda saving that last heal for myself.

El Disgusto: My ninja starts doing his death kata. Deviant Boy: What is that? Me: Yeah. El Disgusto: I dont know either but it sounds friggin awesome. Collateral Darren: You got me there. Me: Well Weasly what are you going to do? Weasly: Oh I hate decisions like this And suddenly the music started again, a smooth synthesizer beat infused with a Motown sound. Terrified I looked up to see Old Yellowbelly in a black tux standing before a microphone. The other players were his backup singers- bad haircuts, torn pants and all. Old Yellowbelly: (To the tune of Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye) Cast heal, Cast heal, Cast heal Cure Wounds, Cure Wounds, Cure Wounds Oh Cleric my fighter may not survive Owww Cleric I'm slashed from stem to sternum My guts are churnin' And Cleric, my saving throws I have failed My torsos impaled, my flesh flailed My limbs have lost all feeling I need Clerical Healing Clerical Healing, oh save me Helps me to stay alive Please reset my spine Clerical Healing baby is good for me Clerical Healing is something that's good for me It was unmistakably Old Yellowbellys voice yet somehow he was lip

synching. My face felt hot, my limbs felt tingly. I was almost definitely sure I was having a stroke and this was some fevered dream born of my collapsing on my clock radio. Old Yellowbelly: Whenever my blood pressure is dropping And my entrails are piled up around my feet There is nothing I can do I can crawl across the floor and cry help baby Cleric I know from death's door you'll retrieve me The magic you use will uncleave me If you're out of I'll be squealing I can't live without it, its Clerical Healing Cast heal, Cast heal, Cast heal, Cast heal, raise my hits tonight Cure Wounds, Cure Wounds, Cure Wounds, Cure Wounds, before the next fight. But if I was going to start having a near death hallucination why would it be musical numbers and not some sweet memory or at the very least a pissed off angel with a long list of sins and a bottle of Jack Daniels? Old Yellowbelly: Cleric, I got jumped while scouting There was no warning so I could flee Cleric, adventure was my bounty Not for some bugbear to mount me And when my flesh is peeling I need Clerical Healing Clerical Healing is good for me You can restore my eye, and fix my tush Some say it restores the hymen but there's some debate Clerical Healing baby it's good for me Clerical Healing is something that's good for me In the midst of that musical interlude I wondered to myself what sweet

memories I would take to the grave. My first kiss? My family? No. All those memories led to heartbreak. I tried to find something else, college work, anything. I remembered the time my dwarven fighter fought a black dragon to a standstill. Or the day my quixotic Jedi found the way to truly use the force and saved the day. Or the many Paranoia sessions that ended with my clone being the last one standing. No! I thought to myself that this couldnt be right, that I had to have better memories somewhere in the back of my mind. I lost all track of the music as I tried to think of something, anything. At first the best I could manage was episode four of Earthshock. Could this really be? Could all my best memories be fictional? Then I thought of that night over a week ago at the drive in, of completely missing the second feature. Old Yellowbelly: And it's good for me and it's so good to me Please Cleric ohhh Cast Cure Light Wounds or else I'm doomed My fighters lagging behind Because the cost of potions is a such crime You're my last resort, drop your mace and help me out For your god is great I cant wait To be in a better state Cast heal, Cast heal, Cast heal, Cast heal, raise my hits tonight Cure Wounds, Cure Wounds, Cure Wounds, Cure Wounds, before the next fight When stats are reeling, I need Clerical Healing I didnt see the room return to normal this time, I didnt hear the music fade out. I was just staring at my DMs screen and thinking.

El Disgusto: Here he goes again. Collateral Darren: Hey Ab3. You ready for to go on? Me: Are you guys done? Old Yellowbelly: Done what? You see I had planned to use Annoying Girl, I savored the idea of hurting someone for once, of really hurting someone. And if it was a girl that was infatuated with me? All the better. It was a double feature, Housesitter and Death Becomes Her. The first movie had been so damn forgettable that she and I had ended up talking for almost ninety minutes. I admit that at first I was just chatting her up before I decided to try and make my way around the bases. Deviant Boy: What is with you tonight? Blobert Smith: I have seen that look many times before. It is a look of profound revelation. I saw that look once before when I answered the door for the UPS man in a robe that was far, far too short. El Disgusto: Are you sure that was what it was? Are you really? What stopped me from going through with my male chauvinist plan was the sound I heard. It was a sound so strange it was almost unrecognizable. I was laughing. Not a fake going along with the crowd kind of chuckle or the snide jeeri I seemed to give and receive so often these days. No this was real, from the belly laughter. The kind of laughter I had lost touch with the year I failed ninth grade.

And I was relaxed. I wasnt over thinking every word and gesture like I usually did on other much more official dates. El Disgusto: I came here to play a ninja, not watch Ab3 drool and stare at his dice. Collateral Darren: Hell be ok. El Disgusto: What about my ninja? Collateral Darren: What is it with you and ninjas? Do you see how crazy it was? That I could be happy with Annoying Girl? I hated her. I had hated her for years. I had hated the way she made me feel. El Disgusto: Why? Ill tell you why! In the end I dont know if it was my heart or my hormones that drove me to start kissing her. I will spare you the details save to say that is was nothing like either of us had expected, it was far better. And we didnt go all the way, I didnt even try. The next day I called her and she confessed that she had expected shed never hear from me again. That night we shared dinner and some conversation. Suddenly Annoying Girl wasnt so annoying after all. Old Yellowbelly: Id like to hear why too. Weasly Crusher: Me too. But she was still, as the Beatles song said, so heavy. I couldnt get over what people might think.

Of course I still couldnt understand why these thoughts were streaming through my mind in the middle of running a game but before I could consider that further the next musical number was on the stage. I let El Disgusto lose himself in the gentle piano notes filling the air El Disgusto: (To the tune of Walking in Memphis by Marc Chohn) Put on my black hood mask And unsheathed my blade I'll bring death and badassitude To the middle of your lamest game Ninja overlords won't you look down over me Cause I plan to kill my way through Anyone so much looks at me Well I'm Playing a ninja Playing a fighter with death to deal Playing a ninja And before no man do ninjas yield Imagine if you will a ninja sitting behind a baby grand piano belting out a gentle tune by swinging a pair of nunchucks in perfect rhythm. All around him other ninjas engaged in a ballet that interpreted the song. It might have made for a pretty damn disturbing sight but since they were ninjas I couldnt see them so everything was cool. El Disgusto: The DM tried to bone us With some Pit Fiends in a room Drew my katana and backflipped in And those monsters I waded through Now the Dungeon Master had forgotten With my ninja there's a rule He can't feel death's sting When he wears his magic ring

It gives armor class -2 Well I'm Playing a ninja Playing a warrior with death to deal Playing a ninja And before no man do ninjas yield Again I tried to shout something, like Is anyone else seeing this? Or For the love of God please stop! but my mouth was not my own. I couldnt even close my eyes or stick my fingers in my ears. For the next part of the song El Disgusto unmasked revealing a very bad case of hood hair. El Disgusto: I've got family that hates me My credit's beyond repair There's no bed that I can sleep in Because I keep gaming supplies there So I'm gonna play a ninja And I role-play whenever I'm able I'd do it for a living if I could Even with that Ab3 there His smugness can be withstood He thinks he knows gaming But his role playing is shite He says Do you think a ninja would do that?" I said "He fucking will tonight! The music started to fade out, as did the piano and the black-clad pianist. El Disgusto: Well I'm Playing a ninja

Playing a fighter with death to deal Playing a ninja And before no man do ninjas yield Well I'm Playing a ninja Playing a fighter with death to deal Playing a ninja And before no man do ninjas yield El Disgusto: I said what the Hell is wrong with you? Blobert Smith: Perhaps his left brain has come into perfect synchronization with his right and now illusion and reality have become as inseparable as the art of Boris Vallejo and ass shots. Deviant Boy: You know that analogy would have worked just as well with Peter North. Blobert Smith: Good to know. Weasly Crusher: Maybe hes sick. Me: No. Im ok. I just need a minute to get my head together here. Im Im just more tired out than I thought I guess. I took another drink, trying to steady my nerves. I looked back to the place they were in the Dungeon. The bugbear nest, there was no way they would expect a group of bugbears hiding in the depths of a dungeon like this. Then I heard El Disgustos voice, it was dripping with cruel sarcasm. You could just tell it was something hed been dying to say. He was savoring every world like some fine wine. El Disgusto: Must be all that fat pussy. Me: Wha- what did you say? There are moments in my life when everything I can almost literally

see the world as I understood it shatter around me. There was the time that I saw my loveable drunk of an uncle suddenly become a violent drunk, there was the day I realized that one of my friends had asked my first love out behind my back. There was the day my brother threatened to reveal false details about what had happened on the night of my bachelor party. This was one of those moments, everything seemed to crumble around my like a stained glass window in a hailstorm. I had always assumed we all bickered because in a terribly dysfunctional way we were like family to each other. After all if your grandmother tells you youll be lucky to end up a shoe salesman and your mother throws away your binder of drawings with a scream Look at this shit, you cant draw!! Then who was I to begrudge my gaming partners a few cutting remarks and verbal assaults? It was par for the course for me in so many ways. Something I accepted. Maybe it was why I could handle 1000 rejection slips and not want to drive my car off a bridge. But this, this was like someone was trying snatch something new and shiny from my hands just so they could smash it. Just so they could see the look on my face. And I wasnt having it. I remembered thinking to myself that the air in my apartment would soon be filled either by El Disgustos apology or an arterial spray. All this over a girl I said I had hated over and over again. Go figure. El Disgusto: I said Me: I heard what you said. Do you mind explaining it to me? El Disgusto: It means we are all laughing at you because of your girlfriend. Me: And how do you know I have a girlfriend? Deviant Boy: Well your eyes do have kind of a moony look to them.

Old Yellowbelly: And youre clean shaven. Blobert Smith: Let us not forget how distracted you are today. Collateral Darren: Well that really isnt it. We saw you and her at Lake George. Me: What the Hell were you knuckleheads doing at Lake George? Weasly Crusher: We like to go to million dollar beach. Old Yellowbelly: And the big arcade still has that old Star Trek video game you can sit down in. You know the one with the buttons on one side and the dials on another? They have crazy climber too! Deviant Boy: And tourist chicks can be so easy. Blobert Smith: While they engage in such shenanigans I take several buggy rides and imagine to myself I am Mycroft Holmes preparing to capture Jack the Ripper and win a blood pudding eating contest in one fell swoop. Truly the best fan fiction is the fan fiction we carry in the secret places of our heart. Collateral Darren: Dont forget the place that sells these pewter dragon figurines I love. El Disgusto: So while we were there we happened to stumble upon you and your chubby little secret. Me: Stop that. Deviant Boy: Look hes being an ass about this I admit but I have to ask, what the hell are you doing? Me: Im going out with a girl. Deviant Boy: Yeah a fat girl. You know who else goes out with fat girls? Germans and homosexuals. Me: Shes not a fat girl shes a person.

Weasly Crusher: Whats her name? Me: Annoying- no Special Girl. Shes Special Girl. El Disgusto: I guess love is cheaper by the pound, is that right Ab3? Me: Thats not funny and its not nice. Say what you want about me but leave her alone. Blobert Smith: I think what your fellow gamers are trying to say is that we do not understand why you have suddenly chosen to take this strange and unnatural path. Me: I enjoy her company what is unnatural about that? Blobert Smith: You must admit she is a girl of size. Me: And youre not a Goth of size? Blobert Smith: My girth is a sign of epicurean experience and my wealth. Women see me as a man of experience and deep thought. When a girl is large however that is a sign of weak character, it warns of slothfulness and a lack of impulse control. Collateral Darren: Women always put on weight when theyre in a relationship; this girl already has weight to spare. Stick around too long and theyll be taking off the side of her house to load her into a flatbed truck to take her to the hospital. Me: I cannot believe I am hearing this. Weasly Crusher: Look I dont mean to be mean but you know how it is. The hotness of the girl you end up with is a symbol of how well youve succeeded in life. If you end up with a model it means youve got it going on, if you end up with a plain Jane it means youre middle management. A fat girl Ab3, thats trailer park man. Me: Oh fuck you. Fuck all of you. I like this girl, I like her a lot. I might even be in love with her. Do my feelings mean anything to you

guys? Deviant Boy: Look Im not saying you cant bang this girl, fat girls are wild in bed because they dont know when theyre gonna get it again. But you were holding hands wither her man. There were public displays of affection. Old Yellowbelly: We were embarrassed for you. El Disgusto: I thought it was hysterical. The great Ab3 has given up on love; pretty soon youll quit on the writing thing and just start giving out your stories for free to strangers. Me: Look I would take your so called advice a little more seriously if not for the fact everyone but Yellowbelly and I have had sex with the same flipper armed girl. Old Yellowbelly: Well actually Me: Oh for CHRISTS SAKE! Deviant Boy: Look Asenath isnt just some flipper armed, big breasted, double jointed Canadian girl with no gag reflex whatsoever. Shes a gamer. Me: What? Deviant Boy: Shes a gamer chick. El Disgusto: Shes super geeky. Me: Oh no... dont you idiots start singing. We are going to have this out! But the all too familiar funky beat had begun. We were all helpless, I watching as my players were suddenly lost in a wardrobe of sleeveless shirts, sequined pants and glitter, glitter, glitter. Deviant Boy: (To the tune of Superfreak by Rick James)

She's a very geeky girl The kind you can take down to Gen Con She will never mock your pastime Or say your friends are geeks She plays the thief acrobat Both at the table and the bedroom Whenever I misplace my dicebag or my pencils Her purse has spares for me That girl's quite a nerd now Everybody Else: The girl's a gamer chick Deviant Boy: She doesn't read no Cosmo Everybody Else: Just Dragon Magazine Deviant Boy: That girl sure knows her THACO's Everybody Else: The girl's a gamer chick Deviant Boy: She keeps the Karma Sutra Everybody Else: Right by the DMG Despite my rage my toe was tapping, and I wonder to myself, if Palladium would soon be sampling it for a rap song called You Cant Rift This Deviant Boy: She plays all night, plays all night

She plays all night with me, yeah She's a gamer chick, gamer chick She's super-geeky, yow Everybody sing! Everybody Else: Gamer chick, Gamer chick Deviant Boy: She's a nerdy dirty girl Everybody Else: The kind of girl you dream about Deviant Boy: And she quotes from Monty Python Everybody Else: Sir Robin ran away Deviant Boy: And she'll follow me right into the game store to buy more mini's Everybody Else: Gonna play a cleric now Deviant Boy: Let me pay for it all she says The cashier and I used to be dating. When she wears a low cut top we get a discount. I've more games than I can read That girl's quite a nerd now Everybody Else: The girl's a gamer chick Deviant Boy: She doesn't read no Cosmo

Everybody Else: Just Dragon Magazine Deviant Boy: That girl sure knows her THACO's Everybody Else: The girl's a gamer chick Deviant Boy: She keeps the Karma Sutra Everybody Else: Right by the DMG Deviant Boy: She plays all night, plays all night She plays all night with me, yeah She's a gamer chick, gamer chick She's super-geeky, yow Half Orcs sing! Truth be told I have no idea where the half orcs came form but I was too upset to care. Half Orcs: Nyaaaaaaaarr! Deviant Boy: Gamer chick gamer chick The girl's a gamer chick Half Orcs: Nyaaaaaar!

Deviant Boy: She's a very geeky girl The kind you can take down to Gen Con She will never mock your pastime Or say your friends are geeks Whoa Baby! The moment the music ended I was back on my feet (When had I sat down?) ... I was back on my feet trying to get the apology I felt she and I deserved. Me: If youre all done with your little musical interlude- Old Yellowbelly: What is he talking about with that? El Disgusto: I gave up trying to understand Ab3 over twenty ninjas ago. Me: Look I just dont want to hear you guys bad mouth her anymore. Is that so much to ask? El Disgusto: Will that make you feel better? Well just be making jokes about you behind your back then just like everyone else that sees you with her. Me: Maybe other people will see her for the great, fun to be around person she is and not do that. Deviant Boy: To her face. Come on Ab3, youve seen us. The only time we say meaner things about each other is when one of us isnt around its like were a were a Blobert Smith: Microcosm? Deviant Boy: Yeah a microcosm of what the outside world is like.

Me: Maybe not. Maybe Im an ok guy with an ok girl. El Disgusto: Oh please, in what campaign world is that? Me: Maybe its just you guys. Maybe you guys just dont see who I really am. Maybe you just see what you want to see. Weasly Crusher: Come on now, we only took one semester of Philosophy. Me: Get out guys. Old Yellowbelly: What? Me: Im done. I may be done for a long time. El Disgusto: Bullshit. We came here for a game not to hear you snivel and bellyache. Shut up and make with the D&D. Me: No. I cant, this is really the last straw. You guys dont have the slightest respect for me as a person anymore much less for any game I might be trying to run. Deviant Boy: Are you serious? Weasly Crusher: I think he is. El Disgusto: All this because we called you out as a chubby chaser? Me: Its more than that. I should be gaming with friends not adversaries. I mean if Im going to spend an entire Saturday night gaming then shouldnt I be enjoying myself? And why are there elves singing in my pants? Blobert Smith: I respect what you have to say, especially the part about the elves. Me: So pack up guys. Ive had enough.

El Disgusto: Holy crap, youre serious. Youre just gonna kick us out in the middle of game. That sucks. And you suck. You suck on levels science has yet to understand. Collateral Darren: Are you really serious man? Me: Yes Darren. I think despite the madness of this night, the melting walls, dancing minis and bad filking that yes I want you all out. Collateral Darren: You mean to tell me I put acid in your soda for nothing? Me: Funny that sounded like you said- QUIET YOU ELVES! QUIET! Daddys talking! Collateral Darren: I was trying to help you break out of your rut and I mean it was working. This is the best game Ive ever seen you run. Me: Uh-huh. Can you stop pixilating for a minute so I can get my hands around your throat? I cant really tell you if I threw the guys out of my apartment any more then I can tell you how I ended up naked under the sink. I can tell you that in the morning I called her, my Special Girl and asked her to come over just so I could have someone to talk to about what I was feeling. It may sound corny but we really talked, we talked like I always imagined friends would talk to each other and when we kissed it was I always imagined lovers would kiss. But we didnt make love for a while yet, I was still worried there might be a few elves hanging around. Afterword (Because I always misspell the word epilogiue) I suppose it is no surprise to you that I did game again; in fact I was soon to meet some gamers that would soon be like family to me, the

missus and our daughter. But those gamers? I can only say that for some reason Albanys gaming world is a very small world and we all seemed to run into each other again and again- at cons, game stores, through mutual friends and even at a funeral once. As the years passed most of us would all share the common experiences of male pattern balding, marriage, parenting and mortgages. I assure you however that night was the last straw because I was never that Ab3 again; I finally understood that my fate was more than just being a punch line. I soon found that if gaming was becoming a chore there was no reason I had to keep slogging at it. There were other things I could occupy my time with. All that touch feely stuff aside I am sure the one thing you are asking constant reader is did you game with any of those guys again after all that? The answer to the question is both easy and complex, and maybe Ill get around to telling you about it. But just in case I never do, let this final musical number serve as a kind of coda. Music please. (To the tune of Turn the Page by Bob Seger) Of all the hobbies I've had This holds its nerdy awe Don't matter where my rulebooks are Or if I sold them all If my dice are all in the trash I'll just end up buying some more Cause my subconscious will wonder No matter what I do If he found eight stone golems in a room What would a fighter do And soon before I know it Maps and minis will accrue

Say here I am in a game again There I am behind the screen Here I go checking the charts again Here we go roll to save But the players won't stay on the path To the treasure load Because everyone's chaotic neutral When in a combat mode And when they quote the rules back in your face You just want to explode Most times you can roll with it Other times you freeze But you can't always check your rulebook When its stained with nacho cheese Can that gnome really wear plate mail And not blow out his knees? Say here I am in a game again There I am behind the screen Here I go checking the charts again Here we go roll to save But when it all is going right Your mind takes you away To that world of might and magic Where you always want to stay And the players are all cheering 'cause they gained levels today Later in the evening As you lie awake in bed With quotes from the DMG All dancing through your head You remember that last dragon Should have been two instead Now here I am in a game again There I am behind the screen Here I go checking the charts again Here we go, roll to save

Here I am in a game again There I am behind the screen Here I go checking the charts again Here we go, roll to save Here we go, here we go

An Rpg.net Poscript VAMPIRE THE MASS KID RAID Me: You burst into the chamber just in time to see the Minions of Set pulling the blood fried pregnant woman out of the oven. A gasp went up from my players- for all their planning and use of the Celerity discipline they were too late. Now you may well be wondering what the Hell is going on here so let me bring you up to speed. It was still the early 1990s; post Clinton inauguration, pre Contract with America. Two great life changing events had happened to me since my last game with my old groupfirst and most importantly I had gotten married secondly I had started running White Wolfs WORLD OF DARKNESS games. Of course at the time of this story only one game in the projected 5 game series had come out; VAMPIRE THE MASQUERADE, but with a year of supplements to work from I had a pretty good campaign going even if it seemed like the creatures in the World of Darkness were in some kind of an Arms Race when it came to superpowers. In my current campaign everyone was playing a vampire of one form or another Me: Ok lets roll for Initiative. Yetch: Oh Im gonna be sick. That is so disgusting Al.

Yetch was one of my regular players he was a nice guy and a good, well behaved player (aside from occasional moments of EXTEREME THESPIANISM). The only trouble was that I dont necessarily think a man that got dizzy at the description of the sight of blood had the right mindset for horror gaming. Francesca: Honey did you take your Tums? I think Francesca was the one who was really into the idea of playing VAMPIRE. There were three things you noticed about her, first she was a Goth, second she had a chest you could roll an EXALTED die pool and not lose a single d10 and third she was Yetchs girlfriend. That last part was the one that confused us the most, most girls go out with guys they know their parents will hate so I can only assume her parents were Anton LeVey and Wendy O Williams. The funny thing was that this was when the trend of hot nerdy girls really began and it is a trend that continues today. Sadly I came of age in the 1980s, an era when apparently all the geek hotties had been shipped to Canada. Which explains why we spent most of our Saturday nights desperately trying to watch scrambled porn. But perhaps I have shared too much. Me: As you all watch with increasing horror the light braised flesh of her stomach begins to shudder and split apart. Slacker X: That is SO wrong, yet SO cool. Now Slacker X is and has been (at least until he reads this) one of my longtime players and friends. I will always admire the fact he was always indifferent to worries about things like employment and women. Somehow as a result that meant he always had a fresh supply of both.

Seriously folks, its like hes a Jedi or something. Hentai Wrangler: My character Lady Bishonen draws her katana and spends a blood point to activate her katana. Me: And then? Hentai Wrangler: And then she waits to see what happens. Slacker X: You always do that. Hentai Wrangler was actually in his twenties but he had a very young face and he was another one of that rare species of gaming friend that I wasnt worried about hanging out with in social situations. He was a big fan of Japanese media, in fact one the reasons I gave him the nickname he has is because if not for him I might never have seen LEGEND OF THE OVERFIEND, this is something I will never forgive him for. Lando Molari: I shout at the Setite elder, We had a deal Madden! Have you ever seen the TV series LOST IN SPACE? Remember the character of Dr. Zachary Smith? Well Lando Molari was that characterin every game, every time. He was always trying to go behind the other players backs for one reason or another it didnt matter if we were playing in THE WORLD OF DARKNESS , DUNGEONS & DRAGONS or BUNNIES AND BURROWS. The players didnt mind much partially because Lando was an all around nice guy in real life and also because watching his characters get dismembered from their own actions was good entertainment. Me: The undead babies tear free from their fleshy prisons and begin crawling towards the party, their eyes alight with inhuman hunger.

Yetch: Oooooh Francesca: Ab3 where is the Goth in this? When are you gonna bring the Goth? Slacker X: I pull out my twin chrome plated .45s and leap sideways while firing at them. Me: Ok roll for it. Slacker X: Ok. Me: Wow that is a lot of ones Slacker X: Why me? Me: The clips fall out of both your guns in mid leap and you crash to the floor well within crawling range. Hentai Wrangler: Lady Bishonen attacks her blade and panties flashing in the night. Francesca: My gangrel pops her claws and attacks. Me: Well, unlike some people you make your die rolls. Slacker X: Hey! Me: The two of you cut a swathe through the slightly baked undead babies. Yetch: My character looks around the room and says Who is responsible? WHO HAS CAUSED THIS MADNESS? Me: Uh was that shout in or out of character? Lando Molari: I stay behind the rest of my party with my weapon drawn.

Slacker X: And how does that help? Lando Molari: Cover fire. Once combat was resolved the player characters searched the building for any sign of their longtime adversary Sid Madden Settite Elder- and yes his business cards did say just that. As you can see I had the Vampire side of the game pretty well nailed down but I rarely seemed to have any Masquerade going on; swordfights on high rise window washing scaffolds, exploding gas trucks and midgets in armored vans were the regular sort of occurrences in my game. There was very little brooding upon the vampiric condition, I cant really say things were very Gothic Punk at all, maybe they were Gothic Pulp But on the other hand my game had been a very long running affair and there were always players joining in for a session or two some even stayed for years. Some wouldnt leave the game even when I begged. And yes I did name an elder vampire of the Followers of Set Sid Madden- names were always my weak point. Me: You hear the sounds of sirens approaching. Yetch: We better get out of here. Slacker X: Yeah, the last thing we need is another run in with Detective Peter Gabriel. See what I mean? I suck at names. Lando Molari: Before we leave I search for anything of value. Me: Your wits and investigation reveals a bloodstained business card. Lando Molari: What the Hell is that about? I mean money or

valuables. Maybe a vial of elder blood lying around. Me: Uhm Hentai Wrangler: Do I notice Count Orlock being an idiot? Me: Yes, you see him bungle finding next weeks MaGuffin like Slacker X bungle a driving roll. Slacker X: Hey! With that done I doled out the experience points and we cleared the room for the old school D&D group. I was running my game in the back room of a game store run by my friend Guido Jones- of course it wasnt just a game store he also sold comic books and pornographic trading cards. I never got the whole pornographic trading card thing. What was the appeal? Lets be honest here, even if masturbation isnt bad for your eyesight it cant be healthy to be staring that intently at a 3x5 card for any prolonged period of time. Just my opinion folks. My game ran on a Saturday afternoon and the notice board let it be known I was open to any and all players- so long as they brought premade characters and didnt antagonize the main group too badly. It wasnt easy trying to organize up to ten players at once but it was usually a lot of fun. I still cant believe how patient my wife was through all this, most weekends I was off running a game on Saturdays and then Sunday going over my notes for the next week. The woman is a saint I tells ya. As I got ready to leave a very pretty college aged girl waylaid me in the doorway of Guidos Geek Emporium. Hottie: Are you the guy that runs the VAMPIRE game? Me: Thats what is says on my monogrammed stationary.

Hottie: Huh? Me: What I mean is yes. Yes I am that guy. Hottie: Would you have room for another three players next week? Me: Its an open game. We are always looking for fresh blood. Ha ha get it? Hottie: Uh sure. So next week then? Me: Looking forward to it. Once she was gone Slacker X approached me. Slacker X: Who was that? Me: New player. Slacker X: Awesome. Me: And shes bringing friends. Slacker X: Even more awesome. Guido Jones: She could be bringing her boyfriend. Me: She said there would be three new players not her and a significant other. Slacker X: Yeah if she had a boyfriend she would have wanted to establish it right away, this is a game store after all. Guido Jones: Isnt that going to be too many players for you Ab3? Lets not forget what happened on Halloween. Me: If you dont bring up Halloween I wont bring up Project Omega.

I suppose it would be cruel of me to let that scene end without telling you about Halloween and Project Omega so lets start with the debacle that was my Halloween marathon VAMPIRE Session. Many would say later it was a great game, others would say it was the worst thing they had ever played in; it was a story that featured a Vampire rock band, human sacrifices and murder by duct tape. The thing is I remember nothing of it. The morning of the game I started feeling queasy and by the time the evening rolled around I was suffering from chills and room clearing bouts of flatulence. I pumped myself full of aspirin and Pepto Bismol but as the night wore on I became paler and paler and my game mastering became more and more incoherent- at least that is what I was told. I still dont know how much of the stories I should believe. Why would I have a long drawn out scene take place at a gaming convention where people where playing Live Action VAMPIRE THE MASQUERADE? Why would I try to convince the players that TV actor Burt Ward was Caine? Why the Hell would I have the players menaced by an Invisible Zeppelin? All I know is that by midnight Slacker X and Hentai Wrangler called my wife to take me home and I slept for two days. In comparison Guidos Project Omega wasnt that big a disaster at all, you see his master plan to increase revenue by teaching lingerie models how to play Dungeons & Dragons. The exact specifics of the plan were never really explained to me but it involved a lot of time at Victoria's Secret. The week went by quickly enough with work, spending quality time with the missus and trying to keep our crappy apartment from falling apart around us. I was working for a place called Paper Shredder- the same outfit I had worked for when I was in college; my wife and I were still learning how to be a married couple and mushrooms kept growing out of the bedroom ceiling. Theres a story in all this somewhere but this isnt the place. Game night rolled around and somehow I was ready. I planned for the bloodstained business card to lead the players to a den of inbred Nazi cannibal white slavers. I made sure there were plenty of evil NPCs for everyone to fight, including the new players. I got to Guidos Game

Emporium an hour early, and started setting up. My regular players started to filter in, Yetch and Francesca got there first, as always and Francesca spent about ten minutes talking to me about her gangrels long term plans and inner landscape. I always had a hard time paying attention to exactly what she was saying because during the whole discussion my mind was warring between wanting to look at her chest yet not wanting to be caught looking at her chest. By the time she had finished keeping me abreast of her characters plans the rest of the gang had shown up. Slacker X and Lando Molari were pawing at my rulebooks trying to figure out how to spend their hard earned experience points. Slacker X: And a fourth dot of firearms Hentai Wrangler: Like itll matter. Slacker X: Oh come on! Lando Molari: You know what skill I need? The skill that can help my character become an expert in the art of deception. Slacker X: You mean subterfuge? Lando Molari: No, its the one that makes you better at hiding your true objectives. Slacker X: Thats subterfuge. Lando Molari: No I want him to lie better. Slacker X: SUB-TER-FUGE! Hottie: You guys havent started yet have you? Hentai Wrangler: Were starting now. Lando Molari: Who is this vision of lovliness?

Yetch: More players? Slacker X: Have a seat, and if you need to borrow any dice Lando Molari: No! Those dice are cursed! Dont even touch them. Slacker X: Man Francesca: Uh, who are those three kids behind her? Hottie: These are my nephews, they always wanted to play VAMPIRE. Slacker X: But youre playing too right? Hottie: Sorry, Guido is teaching me how to play D&D. Bye. Lando Molari: As a great man once said, what a revoltin development this is. Slacker X: Do you think Guido has any openings in his game? Me: I think Guido has all the openings he needs tonight. Our new arrivals stared at us expectantly. They looked to be between 11 and 13 years old. Their eyes were full of that special brand of prepubescent menace I had learned to fear in Junior High. Kid #1: Is this chair taken? Francesca: No. Kid #1: Cool. Hey youre pretty sexy. My names Mike. Francesca: Im Frannie. Kid #1: What grade are you in?

Francesca: Im a graduate student. Kid #1: A senior? Wicked. Kid #2: Hi Im Greg. Is that your character? Hentai Wrangler: Yeah, a battle hardened survivor or two of Ab3s campaigns. Kid #2: Whats a bishonen? Hentai Wrangler: Er, its a man with a little something extra. Kid #2: Are you gay? Kid #3: Check out my character. Hes a Brujah. Kid #1: Were all Brujahs. Kid #3: Well you better watch yourselves of my character will totally kick the ass of everyone in the room. Slacker X: What was your name again? Kid #3: Brian. Slacker X: Well Brian, would you like to borrow some of my dice. I checked over the new arrivals character sheets and finding no obvious problems we got started. I wasted no time trying to integrate the new players into the party. Me: The Coterie is at their usual hangout when they spot the three Brujahs the vampire Prince of Utica asked you to meet with. Thats you guys. Kid #1: Wait where are we?

Me: Youre in Utica. Kid #1: No I mean where in Utica are we? Yetch: Its a bar all the local vampires hang out in called The Leather Nun. Its Me: -its a place for quiet contemplation and hand crafted goods. Kid #2: Sounds lame. Yetch: What are you talking about? This is a total- OW! I didnt want to throw a d10 at Yetch, especially not one of the prismatic ones, but I had to shut him up. I wasnt about to let my violent perverted little role playing game corrupt the minds of Americas youth. That was the Internets job. At least some of my players caught on. Slacker X: I walk past the women selling oven mitts and approach the new arrivals. I say The Prince wanted me to let you know that you are welcome in his city as long as you dont cause any trouble. Kid #3: You hear that guys? Some other vampire thinks he can tell us what to do! Kid #2: I spend some blood, pull the hatchet from my overcoat and start whacking people at random. Kid #3: Radical! Me: A hatchet? Kid #2: You Oked it. See right there? Small axe. Francesca: What the Hell Ab3?

Me: Uhm, I thought he meant that deodorant body spray stuff. Francesca: What? Me: Well it was capitalized! Yetch: Why the Hell brings an Axe to a- OW! Hentai Wrangler: -craft fair? Me: Good save. Yetch: None of this makes any sense. Me: Youre playing a Malkavian get used to it. Kid #2: Do I hit anyone in the face? Me: Lets roll some dice. Kid #1: I pee on the bar! Lando Molari: Vampires dont pee. Kid #1: What if I spend a blood point? It didnt take long for things to spiral into chaos, with the Masquerade in tatters the three Brujah wandered out into the streets in search of more trouble; perhaps spurred on by relative easy and bloodless kills. Hentai Wrangler: Lady Bishonen has had enough of this! She draws her blade and orders them to surrender to the Princes justice. Kid #2: I throw a knife at her. Me: Roll your dice.

Hentai Wrangler: I catch it in kid air. Me: Very nice, lotsa tens there. Kid #3: And while shes catching the knife I shoot her with my Desert Eagle. Me: Oh God. Hentai Wrangler: So this is torpor Kid #1: I run off and steal a car. Me: Fine Kid #2: I use my Potence to pick a manhole cover and throw it as hard as I can at someone. Kid #3: Dude you totally said manhole. Lando Molari: I use the Presence discipline to cow the other two. Me: Sorry guys youre cowed by Lando Molaris vampiric awesomeness. Kid #1: And I run him over with the car! Me: What? Kid #1: You said I could steal a car. Me: But I didnt Kid #1: You saying a car couldnt reach him yet? Me: Sigh. Sorry Lando. Kid #2: Now wheres that Gangrel chick? Francesca: Watching in horrified disbelief.

Yetch: Theres never an invisible zeppelin around when you need one. Kid #2: I spend some blood and flex for the Gangrel chick. Francesca: Not interested. Kid #2: Fine I use Presence to call her over. Francesca: Ab3! Me: Well, lets make some rolls and see what happens. Francesca: Oh great. I guess I flounce over to him. Kid #3: No way. I Presence her over to me instead. They pretty much played a kind of vampire ping pong with her for a few turns while the remaining two members of the party tried to peel Lando Molari off the grill of the Monte Carlo. Yetch: My character says 'Will I allow you to continue to violate the peace of my domain. I SAY THEE NAY!!!!' Then I get some Tremere spells ready. Slacker X: I just open fire and kill them, I kill them a lot. Me: All right lets get some combat rolls. And one botch later the partys last stand ended what Slacker Xs charcter accidentally shot Yetchs character in the back. I could hear Guido and the Hottie giggling in the next room which meant someone was getting treasure. I decided to call it a night. Me: Sorry about tonight guys.

Slacker X: I never thought anything could be worse than having to watch MANOS THE HANDS OF FATE. I was wrong. Hentai Wrangler: To think I missed a night of fandubbing for this. Me: Im really sorry. Lando Molari: As soon as I wake up Im selling my soul to the devil for more disciplines. Me: You did that already. Francesca: Ab3, if Mark Rein Hagen were here he would slap your face. I cant belive you let- Hey! My eyes are up here! Me: I was hanging my head in shame, really. Yetch: Thanks for everything buddy. Me: Oh great sarcasm from you too. Yetch: No. No. Really. Thanks. Whenever you run a bad game she wants to have angry sex. I mean really angry. Youre the best. Me: Oh well enjoy. Kid# 1: That game was awesome. What time do we start next week? So thats why I started running games at my apartment, but thats a whole other story.