Memoirs of a transsexual A real life story happening to me every day, with no added spices

Living in this world full of challenges is normal for every living thing. Every living creature has no exception, not even a human being. Every day, we might enjoy mixed emotions and feelings, namely happy, sad, anger, grudge, depending on situation that we go through as we grow matured as age increases. I wrote this story of myself with no intention of humiliating any party, even myself, my family and everyone involved in my lives. Instead, I m writing this and hope to publish my stories to the public as a source of inspiration for everyone, especially a transgender like me, apart for changing the public view regarding transsexual. Thus as a reminder to certain individuals out there, instead of mocking, teasing and make fun out of transgender that came across their daily lives, please try to understand us. As saying, don t judge the book by its cover. I totally agree with this saying. It would not be fair for me if you judge people directly, without knowing the reason and understandings their part of life and any other elements that we need to know in order to evaluate an individual. Let me introduced myself first, I m Sasha Michelle Daniela Rita, the author and the narrator of my very own version of biography. I m 22 years old, and came from Sarawak. As a human, we bear a religion and belief. Different races have different customs. Some does not have religion or belief. But for me , I respect everyone , despite their ideologies , as long they can accept me and as a return , I will be more than glad to offer friendship and respect to them . In fact, does any religion ever taught their respective believers to mock and hurt others physically and mentally? I guess I didn t have to make necessary comments on statements regarding on the situation. As a reader, you will have to figure out the answer and I am certain that a NO from all of you will be the answer for my question. Brief discussion of transgender

The existence of a transgender or people who believe they have other gender compared their true, original gender, who believed they are born and trapped in the wrong body is customarily taboo as considered by most of us in every corner of the world . But however , for me , God create everyone perfectly with no flaws and I always believe and bear in my mind ,there s a reason for everything happened in the cycle of life . It is a quest for an individual maybe, for searching their respective identity and discovers their purpose of existence I strongly thought regarding the facts. To some, our existences are considered against Mother Nature and to the certain extent, we considered as pervert, and any other nasty things. For these kinds of individuals, do you ever thing or at least came across your mind about certain question such as who created them? Why? And other perspective that I have not mentioned? And once again I would like to emphasize, I am not against individuals with their own philosophies and beliefs. As you have the right to do so. My little voice within

Me , like any other human being are born to this world each with purpose , mission and target in lives that we indeed want to strike and achieve in addition of living life harmoniously and happily . As we all know, each infant will either born into two kinds of genders (considered normal by individuals), male and female. I fall into the category of male infant. However, I am a very soft-spoken type. I am raised in a middle class family whereby my mother is working as a teacher while my father is a government servant. I am the second child among four siblings. We are all raised with sufficient love, care and education. Normally, my siblings consist of 3 males and a female, with the female as the eldest. However , my existence make our composition equal , 2 males and 2 females , trying to make some joke here , but now it s a fact as I am here to write my own stories . Some , in fact all people who know me and come across my life might be considering the fact that I am the abnormal child of my family and my presence humiliate my parents . These individuals might be my own family members, relatives, neighbors and people around me. What is the reason why I am born as a transsexual? Peoples understanding for me is not considered important to me. I guess it will be sufficient enough for myself the fact that only me , myself and I know the answer , as me is the owner of my own body and soul for 22 years now . Hopefully, I am able to live long enough and living my hopes and dreams before I passed away. My confession for my life I am born and raised in a small town named Sibu , a place in Sarawak. As a boy, I am not like any typical normal boys out there. I am more, what should I put it in a term? Yes, feminine, girlish? Yup, precisely. Despite the fact that I am raised in a way that a boy is supposed to be raised, however my instinct and mentality reflects otherwise, I have a female mentality. Since little, I am very secretive, only I know about this fact. Well, despite what was happening at me until now, well, I don t blame anyone for that. God? Parents? My upbringing ? A big No again .

Despite the fact scientific research shown some abnormalities in genes of a transgender, for me, I am what I am, no matter what and no matter how. One of my mottos in live will be I am what I am , as long I m being honest and truthful to myself. I am the same like any other individuals out there, longing and dreaming for what I want and desired. To shorten the scenario, hopes and dreams, towards better life. Ever since I was little , I always dreamt of becoming a woman , living the life that any other women out they are longing to ,having my own career , become a power woman , having my own career ,business and get successful in whatever that I am to and intend to do . My soft and sensual side told me the fact that I also need a companion , a man as my husband , someone to lead me , offer me love care , and protect me behind all my success . In addition, I love children very much, especially babies. It will be envy for me seeing spouses carrying their infants everywhere. Sometimes, I cried and smile, with mixed emotion seeing all baby clothes and other infant necessities. Well, after reading this, some people might think I m crazy but who cares? It will be sufficient enough for me and god to know how I feel regarding on that. My heart said, How I wish I can be in that position. I guess it s my natural instinct, a maternal instinct in becoming a mother. Right now, I am in the stage of learning methods and ways to become a good and if possible, a prefect mother. I realized it will not be an easy task in becoming a mother. It s like an art that cannot be mastered in one day or short interval of time. The art of motherhood require great understanding, patience and the key element, experience to master.

Therefore, I searched for information either online, or magazines, observed everywhere and asking my direct and ultimate source, my own mother. As in my own opinion, she is a great mother, a woman and a great example or role model for me to follow in my quest of searching the true meaning of motherhood. She is the greatest woman for me in this world and I love her so much. You might not know her , but I ve been living with her throughout my life , and in next section , I will give some proof and evidence for you all .

My family Previous chapter stated that how great my mother is for me. Maybe it s briefly stated. Now, I m going to describe about my average, humble family. Why I claimed that my mother is the greatest and noble woman to me? It is so because she currently takes two jobs to cover my family s necessary expenses, the need to raising her children, and husband. She acts as a teacher and a tutor at an institution, and she s very committed in her job. This explains where I inherit the behavior of hardworking and serious in whatever I do from. She is a Chinese woman by the way. Wait .

Earlier, did I say about raising husband? Conventionally and universally, a man supposed to do the job in raising his wife and family, how can this be happened? And what impressed me the most until now is, she did her job, either as a wife or an employee without any complaints. My father is retired from his work and didn t receive any pension, just his savings from the Employee Provident Fund. And he used the money to do house renovation, all finished. I still remember, when he received the sum of money, we re not a happy family. He spent his money with no purpose and later, he blamed us, especially my mother regarding the house renovation, while the fact is that he s insisted in doing the renovation costing RM70000 to prove to the whole neighborhood. For my mother, that is not an issue. And during his employment, he possessed some amount of credit cards and until now, who is paying for his debt? My mother. Until he was almost being taken law action by banks. And now, my mother has her own debt from loans from banks, her siblings and credit cards. She used that money to cover everything, even our return flight tickets. Therefore, she s in huge amount of debt now, didn t mean to humiliate her, sorry mom. Her effort was not appreciated even a bit by my father and by the way, I have poor relationship with him. So are my other siblings

To me, no words can ever describe my own father. He is very irresponsible. Even complaint constantly regarding cooking, fetching my mom, and other minor tasks. He is very inconsiderable. I realized he just want to laze around all the time, sleeping and watching television. Apart from being a foul mouth and behave somehow familiar to a person who is busy body, also known as bitches. Before I forgot, a sex maniac as well...as I remember what my brother told me, he s lust is uncontrollable. He starred at the buttocks of a salesperson in a shopping mall. What a bad example for my brothers. Why I claimed all nasty things about him? It is so because first, he didn t planned for life ahead after retirement for his wife and children, never I mean NEVER EVER provide necessary needs for his wife and children. Then as I told just now , owing some LARGE sum of loans from banks , forcing my mother to have SEX with him despite the fact that my mother is sick and tired doing house chores and works . Just imagine, a woman in her 50 s generally not active into the love enjoyment, SEX. If my mom refused, he will act like a child, threaten to throw and break things inside the house.

His obsession towards girls is strong as well. I noticed he loved to watch matured and good-looking news anchorwoman. If the news broadcasted is read by a man, immediately he will switch the news channel to something else. Trust me, only god knows the fact and feelings about this. My reaction when I mentioned about his mistakes one by one? FURIOUS. To shorten the description about him, he is USELESS and ITCHY man. Readers, I mean dearest one who read my story, just imagine and provide a visual or picture to this kind of situation. What will you do when you are in my shoes? And I strongly belief, no man out there will act or behave exactly like him...In case of the presence of this kind of man in this world, I strongly urged you all to stop your action, change for better or otherwise, you will become a loser, a hatred to your own family members, and in fact, your action of doing that will only destroy your marriage and family institution. Please pity the wife and children , unless your wife and children are highly patient in nature . In fact , being a jerk isn t something nice , if you want your son to follow your footstep . So therefore , take a good responsibility in becoming a good father and husband . I am not close to my elder sister due to some incident and only close to my brothers . They have supported me after all this time and consider me as their sister . I am blessed to have siblings like them . My earlier days in education and my dilemma in lives

Until my teenage years , I concluded that I have gender confusion issues coming on ,especially during the age of 7-17 . I have difficulties during the phase of my life . At this stage , I tried so very hard to become what people see as what I supposed to be , a normal boy ,try to behave , try to act like one . During the moments as well , I am a plus sized boy . So therefore , I often being teased by everyone around me , particularly my neighbor s daughter . However , I am strong enough to go through all the challenges luckily . Thank god for that . I tried everything during my high school days , from being a prefect , a class monitor , president of a society , just name it. What can I say, despite the fact , I am passive at all those stuff , however trying my best in becoming each and every position I mentioned . During my physical education class , I tried everything during the lesson , I tried to play badminton , basketball , softball , football and sports usually denominated by boys . And , the consolation ,I get the teasing by my own classmates and being punished by my teacher doing pushups as I failed to catch the ball. However , I always end up crying when recalling those incident at my home . During the moment , no one ever knew that I am tortured in terms of feeling , only me and god knew the fact , I guess. I dressed up as a boy..yeah, like any other normal one . ..act like one but when I was 17 , after I finished my STPM , I realized I was only lying to myself . I acted to be someone ,someone that I m not in order to please everyone around me..despite all those test , I can t lie to my heart and feeling . I still remember my first crush in high school . His name was Lester . I only put his front name to cover everything , with the intention not to hurt or offend any party involved in my life and my story here .

I started to admire him during month of April 2002 when I was a prefect in 2002 and always dream of becoming his girlfriend ,couple and prayed very hard hopefully I can capture his heart . Maybe his a straight guy perhaps , luck is not beside me at the moment . Since finished form 5 , I never met hi again . Memory remained memory. And before that , I miss the part of my childhood , circumcision. I am not like any other boys , I cried as the pain I bear during the moment . And among the things the doctor said was smallest thing I ever done before . I met doctor twice as my father suspect me have abnormalities on the crowning glory of a man in terms of its size and function . Well , I don t care at all for now . Let s get back to the story about crushes in school . Speaking about crush during high school , I have a few namely Kevin , James , Mohammad , and even my history teacher surnamed Chieng and Azman . But during my college days , I realized that they were just puppy love , as one of the song sang by the late Michael Jackson during his days in the Jackson 5 . Beginning of unleashing inner me Due to my daring nature , I have started to learn how to use makeup , namely pressed powder , foundation , lip gloss , as my budget was tight during my high school days . I save every penny and sou for all those stuff just to unleashed my woman side . Yeah , with the element of learning and experimenting through trial and error , During the moment , I considered the pocket money given to me by my mother , a sum of RM50 per month meant a lot to me . I always manage to save RM22 out of the sum per month. That explained why I considered RM50 is a huge sum during m high school days . But however , since I started on my diet and slim down , I often managed to save more .

All my life , since I was at the age of 10 , I never talked to my sister , one and only to be exact as she always have the ideology of I m the spoil brat of the family , my mother always spend more on me , mistreated her , and any other reason that only she personally knew until now . The truth is , I am the hardworking children in my family as I pity on my mother , despite the fact that I m average on my studies , I often help her to do minor house chores such as washing dishes , sweep the floor , and other girlish chores . When I wrote this , certain parties might blame it on my mother , why I am so gentle in terms of my attitude which considered abnormal for boys . But however , please don t do so as it was not her fault AT ALL. Some might think friend is the cause I become a transgender . But only me know the answer well as I owned this body and soul. Some might said god owned me and I never defy the fact . Well , everyone has their own right to judge and right now , I will provide the answer , the puzzle for everyone question on mind . The answer

Readers , you must be wondering why I am so obsessed in pursuing womanhood , something against m gender , my original gender . Ever since I was little , I just feel that I am a woman despite the fact that I have male body and now answer to the second question , answer of readers that have been waiting for on how obsessed I wanted to become woman . I have 3 attempts to cut of my pennies . Yeah , 3 attempts . Twice when I was 12 , before my circumcision and the last attempt when I reached the age of 18 , age where everyone considered our matured age , the beginning of the phase to our adulthood . I can even recalled back the first two attempts when I wanted to do so . But however , I remember the third attempt and the tools I attempted to use in doing my own operation . The incident , when recalled back , it feels like it was happening as if yesterday as the incident is still fresh on my mind . It was scissors and a pocket knife for the tools I used and the day for my birthday on 5 February . At that moment , I pricked my testicles and was so determined in doing that ( the free operation ). I m doing that with the hope that it wouldn t be functional anymore and thus ,making my path a bit easier in becoming a woman . However , I was wrong and until now , no one knows the attempt I have ever made , so it s an exposure for everyone , exposure for my own parents , immediate family members , or my friends and individuals that know me. I guess only me and god know the reason and how I feel at the moment . The adrenalin , the feeling , the mental pain I m going through .For now , I realized that my dream can only be achieved through sexual reassignment surgery ( SRS) from what I have learnt from various source such as the internet , books and a true transsexual , the one I known from my same state . I realized to undergo the operation , I need to have some huge sum of money , in addition mentally prepared to undergo various process such as counseling , hormone therapy and other process before doing the operation . I guess the saying , the older you are , the more matured you will be as I often hear is true .

Some might simply suggest I go to Thailand to do the operation , as the country offers relatively cheaper cost in doing the surgery . However , to me I didn t want to do it there as it is not an option for me . The reason? I didn t want to take the risks , jeopardizing my health and life just to do that . Therefore , I opt for the best option such as doing the surgery in either Singapore , Korea , Germany , Netherlands . Some might suggest I don t need to undergo the operation as it will be an issue for me when I passed away , there are people out there who willing to accept me as who I am . Despite the mentioned opinion , I still insist in doing the operation as I wanted to due to the fact that my ultimate dream apart from I wanted my spouse to feel me as a woman , not sort of weirdo from nowhere . I didn t mean to offend Thailand , my apology if I said so . I mean Thailand is a great country ,a beautiful one with sandy beaches . My dream honeymoon destination will be the Koh Sah Mui as I can pay tribute to the tsunami victims as well having my great time bathing under the sun , with my love ones . In fact , the country is the land of origin where it occupies people with same gender like me , which I termed special woman . What will I feel after the operation? My education days After the operation , I will feel like a girl ,a complete woman and live like a normal one . Part of my plan is to realize all my dreams . Among them I mentioned earlier and in fact , it is my ultimate dream. I discovered education is the key elements for that , education offer me the power and every other elements required . With proper education , I will get bright future and eventually I will escape from financial crisis . I don t want the history of my parents repeat on me again . Education offers every elements required in pursuing my dreams and live the life of mine with each and every of it , bits by bits .

By the way , I wish to look as graceful and cute like Nora Danish and now , my biggest inspiration is Nicole Kidman , as I seen in her movie , Moulin rouge . I would definitely not 100% identical like her , however I just dream of having the skin tone , the long hair and be comfortable with what I am striking to look , as my confidence derived from how I look as well . In terms of behavior , I wanted to become like my own mother , the woman I loved the most in the world in terms of her patience , hardworking and most of all , being a great mother. Love you very much mummy, if you are reading my creations . I went through education like any other students . Started with early education in the nursery ,primary school for six years , high school for seven years , and now , currently in college in the capital of Malaysia , Kuala Lumpur . I started to attend nursery when I was 5 , two long years for me . Realizing the importance of mandarin language , the second widest language spoken in this planet , my mother decided to send me and my other siblings to go to a Chinese nursery rather than a conventional malay nursery . She always wanted me and my siblings to understand the language fluently so that we can mix around with the Chinese community thus not being bullied that easily . I still remember the early stage for me in learning mandarin . I have difficulties to start learning the language . I can t even read and wrote mandarin correctly at that moment apart from being teased by other classmates . But , thank goodness , I m able to master after I finished nursery a year later . And at the moment , I don t even have a friend . When my classmate were speaking Foochow , a Chinese dialect , I feel like an alien , living in the world that I don t even understand . But , now at least I am able to understand a bit regarding the dialect since my neighborhood consists of the community , let s say in majority .

Then , I moved to the primary school . As my mother is a teacher where I am pursuing the education at that moment ,during 1995(she teaches there until now). She taught me malay language when I was in year 1 until year 3 . Lots of incident happened during that moment . As I often obtained highest score in the class , some unsatisfied parents said that my mother has given me the same test paper and felt uneasy about it . In other words, they claimed that my mother was being bias . But the truth was my mother was pushing her children to study hard and in addition , she never flashed the paper to me , not even giving clues or hints , not even a bit of it . When I recall back the incident now , I m quite furious that the fact someone were questioning my mother s integrity and accountability for teaching for over 30 years . I mean hey..that was ridiculous . Due to the strict upbringing I guess , her children mostly are able to pursue the education till tertiary level . The proof , my sister is now currently pursuing master in biotechnology , me degree in accounting and finance and my brother , degree in information technology . While my youngest brother still in his high school . My intention to write this is to prove to those who questioned about my mother s integrity in teaching . From what I mentioned , that explains why I always wanted to become like my mother in the future , if I m managed to become 1 . Cruel world of objection

I started to learn that objection is a must go through element in each individual s life . I faced and deal with the latter in my daily live , and I mean almost every moment in my 22 years life for now . Of course ,objection is experienced by everyone. But however as a transsexual , harder that any other individuals . The objection derived from my own family , and the environment as a whole. Almost everyday , at least once , people will call me and I believe every transsexual even experience the same thing like I did , people with low civilization , as if never seen a transsexual before , will call me with nasty names for example mak nyah , bapuk , or pondan (name calling for a male-to-female transsexuals) . In addition ,received some nasty action like flashing middle fingers ( universal symbol for harsh words-fuck you) .which I guess everyone knows that and other things that when I recalled ,I m quite upset and sad . However , I am harmless , weak individuals living in this world , therefore I have no power to change the whole situation unless being successful. Sometimes , I feel that no one like me in this world and when I try to think positive regarding the situation , I said to myself.. never give up Sasha . I am choosing this path , therefore I have to face all the challenges in order for me to be strong and persevere . Therefore , every time when I m feeling sad and kind of feeling down , I always remind myself not to feel negative , instead I must be optimistic. To release my feeling of sadness , I do house chores ,hang around with my friend, listen to some sentimental tunes , online chatting just in order to get the support and strength I ever needed in facing the cruel world of objection . My inspiration and things forgotten

Back to my stories why I always wanted to become as beautiful as Nicole Kidman . After I seen her in the romantic movie Moulin rouge as Satine , the obsession started . I wanted to look almost similar like her , as it is my nature to look and feel sexy and presentable all the time . If I managed to look like that , I m the luckiest transsexuals on earth . However , I realized that its inner beauty that counts . Therefore , it is among the element I pursue in my quest of womanhood , the search for inner beauty in me . As told by one of my chatter named Tam , he told me , you don t have to look like others , it s your inner beauty and way you carry yourself it s all that counts . Opps .. I haven t mentioned about my high school and college education as well my achievements along my education years . Lot s of interesting things happened throughout my life as a student . Well , maybe not to you all , but at least for me . Earlier in my high school , I managed to get through form 1 without have to go through transition class as I managed to pass my public exam , UPSR in my primary school with the result of 4A s , 2B s and a C s . I started to become class monitor , managed consistently to obtain top three position in my class and however at that moment , I prefer to be lonely . Sometimes , my classmates misunderstand me as an arrogant person without knowing my nature . As the quiz I took on facebook , and my friend , Amelia , a transgender as well , no one can understand me easily , my action will always lead misunderstanding among people around me , only me and god know and aware of the action I carried out . The statement referred to the secret behind my birth date .

Well what a life. Until I was in form 2 , I managed to make friend with few of my classmates , mostly female . During the moment , I was one of the afternoon session prefect of my school . There are one friend that I remember the most , a transsexual like me as well , currently pursuing education at the same college as I am in now . We went through good moments and bad moments for quite some time ( more than 7 years now) . Well , it s normal for a transsexual to get jealous against each other , that lead to the friendship crack . Thank god , right now ,we re now ok despite we re not as close like we did before . But hey as what people said , friend will always remain as friend . Back to my story , something happened during my years in form 2 . I feel threatened by the result of a boy , now pursuing his education in UTM Johor , I started to have a crush on a prefect , surnamed Mok , and my first crush on my English substitute teacher , Mr .Patrick . The memorable moments happened when I was in form 3 where I got my first handphone , a gadget that are considered a luxury at that moment . I still remember , a Nokia 3315 to be exact . The very same year , I got straight A s on all my subjects , during my PMR public exam thus enabled me to enter form 4 in science stream , the best class in that school . The most shocking effect was that I didn t took any tuition class at all , as what a typical student with affordability will go to. I guess what my mother told me at that moment was true. She told me , hard work pay off , and yes indeed . It was proven by my results . In fact , the valuable piece of advice I discovered are applicable throughout my life and my quest .

Next stage , I guess that was the hardest years I ever had in my high school , the two years of form 4 and form 5 respectively . I entered science stream , studying subjects that I considered difficult subject I have ever taken during my high school days . I guess I was not good at science and in fact , I am not a scientific person should I say . I found out it was very hard for me to learn Physics , chemistry , biology and additional mathematics . The very same year , I started to enter counseling classes and sessions as my father , the man of the house felt that my true colors , the fact that I m a transsexual begin to show , slowly . I went through a very hard and challenging life for me . However , I always remind myself not to give up that easily . Even until now , I can t escape from counseling , in my college years . A lecturer , a very religious one advised me to go back to what I supposed to be. During the sessions , I told everything regarding myself to her with the hope that she will understands me . However , she said that the fact I m being a transsexual is not derived from my heart and mind , instead , words from demons..I only can cry during the moment , and abstain myself from talking further as I respect her as a lecturer . During form 5 , I took my public exam again , the SPM exam to be exact and I managed to obtain 3A1 , 2A2 , 4B3 , and a B4 . Once again , without entering tuition classes . Surprisingly , I got an A for my additional mathematics , a subject that I am weak at . I can t believe it until now .. I screamed when I look at my result slip during the moment and now , when I see it , I will giggle . My crush at that moment , my mother s colleague son and a guy named James .

Last 2 years of my life in high school , I continue in art stream as I couldn t bear to take the risks and indeed , this is my stream , something that I can excel at as I like history . I obtained quite acceptable results . 2A and 2B as I took four subjects . My result enabled me to enter public universities . I was offered to study at UITM , in Shah Alam in degree of science in tourism management .However , I rejected as my priority at that moment were law . What a life really tough to go for me . I started to experiment with makeup using my savings accumulated in order to enhance my confidence as I told earlier not like the previous beautification process I did before I involved in makeup , namely tweezing eyebrows and plucking stray hairs from underarms , feet , nose , chin , and moustache . I went through lots of pain but as saying , beauty is pain . In case I m busy , I just shave my legs and underarms . But however , tweezing eyebrows and plucking little moustache is a must to me , so that I didn t look like a male . And usually , I did that while taking my bath , when I was bored or before I sleep depending on the situations . My crush at that moment , my history teacher , Mr. Chieng . My life was crazy at that moment , I even attend counseling session , these two years with a counselor named Mr. Alex . At that moment , I didn t know anything about integrity or accountability ,not until now in my college years . But if he does counseling me now, I will question both elements out of him. Why? I will explain further later. The 2R s-rejection and reason

Due to my results enabled me to secure a place in public universities and despite I managed to get an offer , however I rejected the offer as the course offered to me wasn t my options . I hope I managed to study law as I have a huge vision . I wanted my own country to accept transsexual as third gender , I wanted to fight for the rights for people who are in the same position like me . Then I will help those who need my service with reasonable payments . But , I guess luck wasn t by my side . So I opted for a private college instead , offering reasonable cost of tuition fees here in Kuala Lumpur and pursue degree in accounting and finance upon the advice of my mother , my history teacher and me at that moment left with confusion and uncertain about the future of mine . But hey , it turned out to be fun and challenging ,as I managed to achieve consistent pointer of 3 above in each semester I attend the course .

Back to the unpleasant counseling session with Mr Chin , and the reason I questioned his integrity and accountablility. He asked me about unreasonable question such as do you erect when you see boys? , do you masturbate yourself and how to satisfy your sexual desire? , do you steal your mother s money to purchase hormone? , Why do you have breasts? To be frank , I didn t mind about these little question at all . He took me to his counseling room during my economy class , the moment of learning that I considered so important as I can t even afford to miss a bit of my lesson without any acceptable reasons ,even until now . His action made me questioned about his accountability and integrity . Readers , if you are in my shoes,what will you do? After each session , I end up crying. I am quite fragile and soft spoken if readers are curious . Well , I can t do anything. I m powerless . A few bad memories apart from all those? My father humiliated me in school , during parents and teacher session and I was scolded by my principal , Miss T , saying that I can t be like a ladyboy , sissy ( or whatever you called us) or I will be the laughing stuff of the school . Well , I guess at some extent they were right . But questions derived out of my mind.. Do they at least try to understand about my situation ?what am I going through? My dilemma and others . I guess only they knew about that . Some teacher even complained to my siblings to as my parents to advice me .have they ever wondered what happen if their children are in my shoes? I strongly think that will be one of the reason why I face objection from my oldest sibling . Even now , I can t escape from counseling. I received a counseling from my lecturer who taught me in religious studies , a must subject taken by all students , as for the requirement of Malaysian Qualification Accreditation . The search of true life

My quest to search for the meaning of life ,searching for love continue until now . I started entering college at the year of 2008 , July 14 to be exact . I still remember it was a very hard time for me at first . I arrived in a metropolitan city without knowing anything and a blank mind . But upon arrival , I started to learn about the meaning of isolation . I came to the city with a batch of students as well . When the management started to divide hostel among students within the same batch , some boys started to react as who want to stay with abnormal people like me,half-woman? However , after some intervals as we get to know each other , some started to approach me and become friends and respect me as sister. That was a privilege and honor to me . .. I still remember I stayed with my friend s parents in a hotel , and spend some time with them . They are very good towards me , treating me like their own flash and blood . Thank you from the bottom of my heart, I will always remember and bear in mind . College life continues After some period staying away from parents , I started to unleash myself , slowly step by step. I started to purchase bra , panties and more feminine outfit in my wardrobe . I started to grow my hair long , as to me the longer the better . I learnt how to smoke because I always longing to learn how to smoke and the exact date I started smoking 1st august 2008 . Since the date , I never looked back until now but knowing the hazard of smoking ,I learn to reduce . In fact, when I go back to my hometown , my brother , the youngest one was trying to be adorable ,showing me the sign smoking prohibited. A charming moment to me I guess. Learning to be independent

The first fasting away from family wasn t a pleasant experience for me . Well , considering the fact that I am a student and having a very limited pocket money for my daily expenditure , I still remember I break fast only with a regular size of Pepsi at KFC Restaurant with my friend . I only cry at toilet , nothing to say or comment . Only two days later , I asked pocket money from my mother as I understand and aware of her situation . I explained to my mother and luckily she understand , after taking sometimes to accumulate courage . During the 1st day of Syawal , every muslims celebrate Hari Raya Aidilfitri or the Ed festival and I am only back to my hometown three days before the celebration , thanks for the effort of my mother . The month fasting , I dream about a huge snake biting my leg , a big and black one . At first ,I thought it was just a nightmare and what is the symbolic meaning behind the dream, I don t know and it will remain a mystery for me until now . My first achievement , my college life

First semester in college , I managed to secure a pointer of 4.00 , the highest in the class, with mark of 97.5 in one subject , Organizational Behavior and thank god . However , things become rocky when I was in semester 2. Excited about my first bra I guess , however my breast size was little, a size of 32a . I took some pictures of myself wearing the bra. Let me describe the bra , it was purple in color , with daisies on it . I purchased the bra at a shop in Times Square , a shopping mall for RM26.90 . On the picture , with my pale white face , pink lips and black smoky eyes , I took some of my pictures . Until now , not knowing what is the cause of my picture spread through among students , my world turned dark . Some people called me Rihanna ,some admiring the artistic side of the shot , some wants to have sex with me and even intend to throw eggs at me whenever I passed by . As I told earlier , I have a quiet nature . I don t have lots of friends while I really need some support at that moment . There , I learnt about the term isolation again . Well , looks like I m here again , continuing narrating about myself . The process was interrupted due to my packed schedule in doing my assignments . However , I m free now..so far at least. I understand the fact that I m a student. It s my obligations..

I will keep continue writing about my stories as long I can breathe and able to hold a pen and write in this world . Let s go back to the part when I said I learnt the term isolation again . That moment was my second semester in college years and the moment I began to be exposed in this complex world and life , especially in life and how to carry myself well . As what my mom told me , Kuala Lumpur is a complex city , please never involve in any bad activities and eventually spoil yourself. Well , at least, I understood now . Let me recap the whole incident . Since the spread of my picture , I live in a dark , gloomy life . I am quite sad and afraid . Only god , I guess understand what I feel and what I m going through at that moment . After finished attending lecture , I will immediately took a bus ride and go home . Reaching the bus-stop , not far from my hostel , a condominium where I stayed at the moment , I will look around here and there , left and right , as someone threatened me to throw eggs at me , I will only feel safe only when I reached my room. What a life Hurmm I don t know how to describe the situation at the moment . Same situation applied when I went to have my meal and did the other activities I supposed to do,my routine activity . My closest friend was my lucky pillow , even until now the place where I cried and share my stories to. I treat it like my own baby . At the very same year , I have some misunderstand with my best friend , and we live the separate life despite we have the same origin , state , high school friends and others just naming a few . Self discovery

Living in Kuala Lumpur ,far away from parents , my family , and far away from the place where I strongly relying on , I learnt every new elements , such as getting started to know and approach internet which is known for the medium hosting social networking websites and other elements equivalent . There are reasons why I said so . Everyone , in this world , in fact every creature ,despite their respective gender , religion and philosophy of live deserves love and affection . In addition , that will be the need of every creature . However , love if being given by transsexual like me has always been regarded as weird , awkward , and a taboo according to the culture all across the globe . And to some extent , some individuals might said nasty thing about transgender love . Among the opinion voiced out based on a blog I read , the girl s nickname is chicken wing . According to her , if every men opt for transsexual , what will be the women destiny ?If the number of transsexual keep increasing,who will marry women?Girls , there are some opinion or piece of advice that I would like to offer . Among them will be as follows : Girls , don t be intimidated by the presence of transsexuals,basically we didn t burden anyone. If our presence make you feel threaten , it s fair competition . Try to blow guys mind with beauty , intelligence and be a good girl in subtle way.Take your time to improve your dressing , learn how to put on make-up and do some treatment , such as in spas or home based version with traditional remedies. Most importantly , just BE YOURSELF.Guys didn t like someone or his companion to be foul-mouth , giddy , with all nasty behavior. And to some guys , in fact majority will feel disgusted with our presence and here will be the piece of opinion I would like to voice out here :

Not everyone is perfect and mocking and saying something nasty about others will be an action of a woman . It s a big turn-off to girl , in fact to all Try to put you in a transsexual shoes . If one of the family members and mostly YOU have the similar situation , HOW WILL YOU FEEL? If you don t like transsexual , as some tend to flirt , JUST IGNORE THEIR PRESENCE AND IT WOULD BE SUFFICIENT ENOUGH Mostly , DON T TREAT TRANSEXUAL AS SEX OBJECT OR SYMBOL . It s not fair . Imagine , what will happen if any party accuse your spouse or girlfriend IN SIMILAR MANNER? My opinions regarding love Continuing from the previous chapter,despite various individuals define love in the different manner , my opinion on love , love is something subjective that can be defined in various ways and the latter is a complex term to debate . To me , love diverged when two persons found mutual understanding , similarities , and sincere feelings towards each other , in addition being something pure and beautiful . Online social networking websites such as Tagged , Myspace , ransgenderdate , facebook I believed is my platform in seeking for my Mr.Right among the sea of humans in addition to few online chat on yahoo messenger and MRIC . On these website mentioned , I managed to find a few guys and dated them . With some , I even have been in relationship with those guys . Well , make-up and break-up are common elements among couple . But , due to my fragile and sensitive heart , I often found breakup is an element that is hard to swallow ,I believe everyone besides me will have same opinion and thoughts , seeing the person we loved before going on with their lives with their new companion , or even vanished leaving a sweet memories to cherish .

Among all the guys I dated , there were two that I strongly remember , those I cherish the most in my memories , those who gave me good things to recap . I even smile suddenly when recap my moments with them . But what to do , I m not meant to be with them. Now , I started to learn a bit of the facts slowly . Both were local men , one is Chineseportugese mixed blood and a malay men respectively.Once I used to remember them in a good way,thinking back on how they treated me ,sorry to say they left very bad impression in my mind. Since they walked away from my life , I just hope they not treating their loved ones like me. That will be the best separation gift I asked for,at least,apart from seeing them happy with their respective loved ones . Now , get back to my story , I started a relationship with the Malay men for quite a period of time. I get to know him from a social website , Myspace . However , we broke up after months we became lovers . During we started the relationship earlier , anything was sweet .He seems like a nice and reliable man, and he s a student at UTM here in Kuala Lumpur . I still remember at some time I am dried in the pocket , the money I have at that moment was sufficient enough to cover for my transportation to college . I was hardly eaten at that moment , but however he provided me with meals,thank god ,such as big apple donuts ,friend rice and others . The most memorable date were at Putrajaya , when he gave me a necklace with the initial of his name, a letter A . He said to me , mama ( he used to call me that) , whenever u get to received the teasing , mocking and other problems , or even try to do nasty things on you,please bear in mind that the necklace are the symbol of presence of papa,as if I m there to protect you,whenever you needed to . He even dedicated a few romantic songs for me , namely The Guardian Angel by the Red Jumpsuits , Mengintai Langit by Coco ( the song that I always listened to whenever we have arguments) , Cinta Yang Sempurna , just naming a few songs .

Even until now , when I listen to all the songs that he dedicated to me , tears will roll down on my cheeks without me realizing it . Not because of all the sweet memories thoroughly , but all those nasty things he did to me , despite the fact that I m being nice to him and even treat him like a husband . I washed his clothes early in the morning , and do the oral sex just to satisfy him unwillingly , he didn t knew the fact I guess , even until now . He seldom bring me on a date on the daylight , often at the midnight until dawn . The last date was the sweetest thing he ever gave me was the trip to Genting Highlands . He was so determined to bring me there at the moment. We went there at night with a car borrowed by him from his friend. A few months later , a guy that I knew on Tagged sent me a tag , and I decided to keep in touch with him. I started to know him on the year 2008 and we contacted each other during the year and lose contact for quite a while until the time I broke up with my first ex-boyfriend .

On the way to Genting , we sang together a song , terlanjur cinta by Rossa and Pasha , 2 very famous Indonesian singer and in the car , we kissed each other and have a romantic moments . Well , another round of oral sex for him , what a beast right?Actually , I m not a sex maniac or people who enjoy those activities as my identity now , even if I m a real female , I won t do those except for the one I love , and until now, I didn t find the one just yet . Back to the story , I encountered an incident on the place . I nearly get caught by the police authority there due to bra issue . To me , that is an outfit ,part of my everyday life . In fact , it s not a big deal to create an issue but as far as I concern , it is an offence according to the syariah law , the law of Islam . They didn t in my shoes apart from them in addition for other individuals , they won t understand me and never want to understand. It s part of our daily live , I mean we can t force everyone to like us . At least , me and god know what I m going through,god created us each and everyone for a reason . Speaking about the police incident , I encountered the same incident on the land as well , in the city when I was going out with a divorced man , Lan and my own friend , when we re going out for our supper in the holy month of Ramadhan . I mean hey, I understand the fact that they re doing their job , but not to the extent of blaming us and try to create an issue for us who just trying to become ourselves . It s not fair as we re aren t the one who do the illegal activities such as prostitution and drug smuggling . What happen if their son , their relatives or other male individual who they ever know encounter the live as we did? Do they ever think about that?Do they AT LEAST try to understand?

After the date , we experienced a rocky relationship . He confessed to me , there was someone else besides me . Due to the fact I loved him so much , I accept the fact , I try to tolerate everything just for him . But that did not help much in mending our broken relationship . Obviously , he s the type of man that engaged more into sex than affection ,care and love ,contrary to the criteria I look for in a man, a man that cares for me,accept me and able to put a smile on my face everytime , not into sex that often , able to give me love,loyalty ,affection like any other normal girl wanted in the search for their prince charming . He slept with the other one , and I can t accept that. The fact is like a bitter medicine to swallow , a very unpleasant experience for me . We broke up and since the day , I didn t know his whereabout , his condition and so on . Despite his treatment , our sweet memories still fresh in my mind , at least for me . I can accept the fact he s cheating on me if he s with a real female , a real thing as what the reason he broke up with me . And the reasons he gave when the moment of the separation I faced were stupid . Until an unexpected day, when his transsexual girlfriend , an 18 year old, obviously prettier than me read my blog and we face each other again one more time . An unpleasant met for me,is what I m going to describe on that meet . During the meet , he apologized to me for hurting my heart and fooling around with my feelings . But sir , if you wanted to know , a simple apology won t return my tears , and cure me 100% , in fact it didn t work for me , as your act will bring me more hatrade towards you . My feelings and love is not a toy for anyone . And one day , his girlfriend was vanished, he chat with me on facebook . He wanted me to assist him in searching for his boo , but hey do u ever think what you did to me? In other words , I rejected his help and the last chat , he said do you seriously think that I ever love you?please , why you become so evil?Was it due to the fact that you have swallowed my cement? It s a big insult to me , but I can face it and since then , we didn t contact anymore . Well , his words at least make me realized that it s not worth it for giving my love to someone like that . But hopefully , he won t do that or search for a nave person to fool around . I m aware I m not that pretty ,but at least , I know how to be loyal and loving .

Lovers become nemesis , funny huh? At least it s a valuable lesson for me . A few months later , a guy that I knew on tagged , a social website again , sent me a tag , and after that I have decided to keep in touch with him and give me the second chance to involve in the love thing again . For additional information , I started to know the guy , Mr .T on 2008 , the moments after I registered on the website . We contacted several times before during the year and eventually lose contact since then . He is a Chinese-Portuguese mixed parentage man as I told earlier . During the chat on the year 2010 , I have decided to come clean about everything , I decided to tell him the fact that I m transsexual , I m not the real female. I told him all those as firstly , I m always honest and truthful to others , no matter who I am dealing with and secondly , I don t want to disappoint him as what I have did to few guys I dated before as they weren t aware the fact that actually I m a pre-operate transsexual until I met them . Fortunately , he can accept the fact that I m actually a transsexual . At that moment , he said everything will be fine and he was eager to see me . After that , we have our meet,the first meet at night in his car , a red proton saga and unfortunately , I couldn t recall the exact date . And what should I say , he s a very romantic man . I m not sure whether he is the right person for me but then I am certain he s the one . Everyone has their own weakness no matter who we are as an individual , everyone is not PERFECT and we didn t have the right to judge others except for the following reasons : We are God , the creator ,the Almighty no matter how we call our god based on our respective belief. We have experienced something in person and witnessed the situation with our five senses .

And in the case of Mr . T , he has his own alter ego . Even until now , he s still a flirt , I mean a huge flirt until the point that we keep in touch , I called him Casanova . After the separation , he s flirting around with two of my friends in the same unit we re staying , still like him ,with his sweet words. Hopefully , he will get rid of his attitude as his action will hurt tons of heart , either woman ,the real women or transsexual . I always believe in karma , he will taste his own medicine someday . And at that moment , he will AT LEAST understand how I felt during the separation . The reason we broke up? He said I am too obsessive towards this relationship , I mean who can share their loved ones with others right? I deserved the right as well . During the time we re together , I can still accept him as my boyfriend and as when do I noticed his act? During hem message one of my former roommate ,sending the similar message he gave me . I tried everything ,from consoling my heart saying he s not like what I always picture of. But once again , tolerate didn t help much in saving my current relationship then . We broke up eventually on 23.5.2010 , a day before I m heading back to my hometown to have my semester holiday that moment . I cried at the airport as I stayed overnight there , with my lucky pillow as my faithful companion , wondering why must this happening to me . After a while , we keep in touch again via sms , and this time he told me much of his feelings towards me were gone during he received red light from his parents about our relationship , though they are open minded , they can t accept the idea of the same sex marriage and aren t lamenting on my love towards him . But if I recalled what he said towards me now , I would simply said that s b*** s*** . Only a fool will believe you .

Perhaps what I m going to say next will explain totally to the readers of my heart s saying will answer why Mr .T is such a Casanova , a player and now I hate him and never forgive him for what he did to me . If he didin t love me , just tell me frankly and I will leave him for good , but don t fool around with my feelings . Seriously , do you think it s nice to fool around with others feeling? Don t give stupid reasons or excuses to defend yourself on what you did towards me . You said you don t give a care if I hated you for the rest of my life , but remember karma honey . He looked like Ewan Mcgregor for your information , the celebrity I dream of being with , and the reality , it won t happen . As a matter of fact , actually I wrote opposite in my manuscript regarding the casanova and this will be my pledge , I will struggle hard to improve my life , my beauty and become a better , and respectable public figure to prove to you that what you did were wrong . Actually to convey a strong message for guys who ever mess up with me , now you know who am I and what am I capable of. Ya ll messing up with the wrong person honey . Better still if I stand a chance to meet them , I mean each and everyone of them in person . And for the fat malay man I m with , remember the date 15/10/2020 as I wanted to see your condition then . Hope you re still happy with whoever you re with . Mr .T , enough with your stupid Casanova scheme , that will hurt you in the end . My quest in searching for true love still continue as I grow older and more matured while I improve myself in terms of my knowledge and talent , in addition of searching for who I really am as an individual . I will work very hard to be successful and wanted to change the world on transsexual , especially here in Malaysia . To shorten the sentences , I will work hard to bring impact to this world and in whatever I do , as what I faced in my life , the challenges ad everything taught me and make me matured . The question that in my heart always have not yet being answered , what is the meaning of love and do love exists?why am I so obsessed in looking for true love?

After the separation , I learnt the fact that guy come and go in my live . I must learn how to stand alone in this challenging world ALONE and learn how to survive . Currently , there are a few guys that I dated and befriended with . About myself , I have obsession towards my study as well or in whatever I m dedicated to do , namely cooking . I love to cook , this semester ( semester 7 holiday) , happened to be the Raya holiday , I managed to cook some meals namely fried chicken ,rice noodles for the festival . I am given the trust to prepare that and I am keen and excited during that moment until I didn t sleep in order to marinate and do all those preparation necessary . I love to see all my relatives enjoying what I have cooked and managed to get some credit on my effort . I am grateful my effort are appreciated . I always dream of having a Guess handbag as well and hopefully I am able to get 1 someday . In addition , it will be a normal thing for everyone wanting to look presentable and stand out among the crowd . During my free time , I spend them reading magazines , fashion magazine such as Female magazine studying how to dress up , apply makeup and strut or pose like a model apart from watching reality television show such as America s Next Top Model hosted by Tyra Banks if I m in my hometown . And one particular season attracted me the most as Tyra recruited a transsexual named Isis as one of the contestant . I am amazed by her ability and herself as an individual . She will be my insipriation in pursuing my dreams .

Despite the fact that I m a transsexual , I treat myself equally like a real woman , a REAL one . Always hated sex , and I m different from others in this aspect . I have some bad experienced regarding that matter as a matter effect . I understand the fact that the latter ( sex) will be a need for every individual , but for those who intend to approach me , I will tolerate with that matter once I get rid of my insecurities and hopefully , my shining amour will understand me and able to get it through with me in the future , if I am able to find 1 . I am looking for love that is found based on mutual understanding , respect and willingness to respect each other , make or create each other as a friend , companion and most of all , love each other and tolerate , go through happy and sad moments together ; share each other s problem and able to rely on each other whenever required . Well , at least that will be my understanding in order to define the latter , love . And I realized everyone s understanding and perception towards love are vary depending on the individual themselves . Once again , for me despite whatever happened to me in my quest in searching for true love , I always picture love as a beautiful scene . Marriage is among the elements I always dream about . I picture everything relating to marriage will be something beautiful . And shall we break the latter into sub-topics : Mr right , wedding gown , honey moon , wedding cake etc , just naming a few .

However , my favorite topic among them all will be the wedding gown . Since I always wanted to fit into all those pretty gowns perfectly , therefore I always try to keep my body to an ideal size of 2 in order for that to happen . I realized , no matter how my body look like , either 2 or 22 , there s always something for me , but however , let s stick to that size 2 . Just finished watching the Malay movie Sepi ,what a romantic movie,I always a big fan of romantic movie , and by the way , I like an actor in the movie named Tony Eusoff . And continue with the wedding gown story: I have the Cinderella syndrome , which means I like the long gown as in my opinion , it looked and feel more dramatic . The choices of the color for my future gown among them will be ivory , white or cream . Among my favorite choices of color will be ivory , white or cream . Among my favourite designer ,namely local and international Vera Wang , as worn by Jessica Simpson during her wedding with Nick Lachey , dior ( my favourite will be the Cindrella Fantasy , a vintage 1950 s wedding gown , gown as worn by Melania Trump and Jeniffer Lopez) , Riezman Ruzaini , Radzua Radziwill , just naming a few of my dream gown and among all of them , my ultimate choice will be Grace Kelly s wedding gown .

On my special day , I wanted to look demure , elegant , and sexy . I want my spouse to feel I am his princess , the queen of his heart . Therefore , I must start to keep myself as pretty as possible . Sometimes , whe I think of that , I will suddenly crack a smile and embark my journey to dream land with flight of fantasy . Enough about the wedding gown fantasy . That won t be happen if I never find a man to wed me , except for the fact I stand a chance to model all those . The criteria of my prince charming will be good looking ,at least in my eyes , a kind , sensible , adorable and loving man . Most importantly , he must know how to respect parents for both parties and others surrounding him ; able to give full commitment to care about me , and most importantly loves children , like me ; as I love children so much . In short , we have definitely having something in common , apart from complimenting each other nicely . If I have him , at least there are someone with me , offering me protection , love and share each other s hopes and dreams .

Me while I develop live..the journey begins

All those things I have mentioned will be part of my daily lives . A year after I moved to Kuala Lumpur in order to further my studies in 2008 , due to some circumstances happened among the residents against students presence there towards us , me together with few friends moved from our hostel at a condominium at Danau Kota , Setapak to an apartment named Alpha Villa in Wangsa Maju . I stayed with them ,individuals I followed moving out until now . But my so-called roommates and a few friends I knew before , we re not that close now . To me , it s not a big loss as saying , it s hard for us to find true friends . We are still together , but however not as warm as before . It s ok with me as my nature is quiet , therefore it s not necessary for me to have lots of friends . Apart from that , I started to gain my confidence ,slowly and slowly . As the semester increases , parallel with my years in college , I emphasize more and more on my beauty , personality and other elements apart from my commitments in live such as my own studies , family and friends . It s nature of live I guess , sometimes I managed to nail them , sometimes vice versa . During this interval of time , my courage rages . I dare to try some outfit that I considered extreme before . Let s say outfits that reflects much more feminine side of me such baju kurung ( confined blouse ) , cheongsam , dresses , mini skirt and others just naming a few , depends on my confidence level I guess , sometimes I feel I looked good , sometimes otherwise . And surprisingly , I feel more and more comfortable , each time I wear all those clothes . My heart tell me that is myself , what my identity really are . Fashion is all about trial and error to me , sometimes I do some fashion faux pas as well . There are some look that I always admire , 1940 s look , 50 s , 20 s vintage and always try to channel all time beauty such as Marilyn Monroe , Aubrey Hepburn , and Grace Kelly .

Some of my friend said bachelor in accounting and finance , the course that I am currently pursuing now is hard according to them . Well , sometimes I guess they were right . However , I try very hard and struggle ,in other words push myself beyond my limit to proof everyone , when there is will , there is a way . With strong will , we can achieve everything and anything we wish for and be successful in them . Let s say I m not very good in taxation and management , these were two subjects that beat me in my studies currently . But so far , thank God I never failed the subject . Among all subjects that I have taken , I love finance subject the most as I love mathematics , of course started with 0 basic since the beginning , as I never took the subject earlier in my secondary education level . At the beginning , I am quite blur regarding the subject . As I struggle hard to understand subject by listening to lectures , avoid skipping lectures , and other initiatives . Thank god I managed to do them . It s like a baby who just try to learn how to work , just imagine how slow I am in learning , and only the will that make my effort pay off .

Getting rich is like everyone s obsession and dream as now , things are getting more and more expensive , the cost of living is getting higher and higher . Therefore , without money , one cannot survive in this world if we don t have sufficient money to cover for necessities . I have no exception in craving for richness . I am not the one who been born with silver spoon in my mouth and therefore , I understand very well the importance to struggle to avoid from financial crisis and the importance of every penny I have . I tried a few multi-level marketing system before and most terribly , I asked my mother to give me some huge amount of money due to fulfilling my obsession of becoming rich with the intention to help her to solve the family financial crisis , but however I failed to deliver to her expectation . I feel sorry for her , the strong woman who fight so hard everyday just to fulfill family need . The fact that I m a student and it s hard for me to convince people in doing the business , with the unexpected economic condition and the fact that multi-level marketing is banned in Malaysia . Some might say I keep complaining and not being grateful and keep giving excuses , however as long I know my intention , I never bother people s opinion towards me . In fact , I have some unpleasant encounter in my quest for searching for new business partner or prospecting activity . As , the prospects are more interested in sex rather than improving their live . Therefore , I decided to give up . Hopefully , my life in doing the business or whatever I m venturing in will be back on track someday , or at least I get a better job with a good salary . In the meantime , while I m working , I will accumulate some savings for business purpose and for rainy days as I am not willing to be employed by others throughout my life . In fact , I want to be my own boss thus helping my youngest brother in his life , in the long run . I wanted to open a restaurant for him as I discovered he can cook some good food despite his young age . I am impressed as boys usually don t cook . In addition , he doesn t into academic like me and the rest of my siblings . If I am successful , I want to send him to study in culinary school . My dream job will be modeling as I love to dress up and feel beautiful . I would be more than glad if someone out there is willing to assists me , offer guidance and employ me in doing the job .

Since little , I love modeling . I was inspired especially when I watched Tyra Banks , Heidi Klum , Naomi Campbell , Kate Moss and some other world renowned models , and recently Isis , a contestant in a reality television show , America s Next Top Model . She is very inspiring for me ,in fact all transsexual community . Despite the fact that modeling is my passion , however I realized the fact that modeling isn t a long-lasting job . Therefore , I am more into business as I love to take risk and it is a medium to escape from my family financial crisis if I do it properly . I will work very hard and committed fully into my venture especially the beginning of the business . As based on my observation , every business begins with a rocky start . Sometimes , I regret study accounting but however , it will be one of the element in business . Therefore , I start to embrace the subject and eventually , love it .

Objection and blessing behind it

Back to the story of my family again . Objection is a must get element in our daily lives , especially the fact that I m a transsexual , I faced more objection compared to any other normal human being . But , I guess at least I now understand the saying that everything is happening for a reason , or in other words there are blessing behind each incident that happened in our daily lives . At least , being exposed to objection , I understand the facts of life , and in addition , facing objection will let me learn how to face the gruesome , challenging world of business , without doing the latter like a pampered princess . I am firm and adamant with my every decision in life , and I will never regret it . Readers , hope you pray for my success as my intention to do business , apart from helping my very own family , I also intend to help another transsexuals by giving them or offering them employment chances based on their respective expertise in addition helping orphanage and old folks home , abandoned babies , as the cases increase every day , wish to be their god mother , providing them shelter and all necessities in live . Apart from providing them love and needs that ay normal children with parents required in their growing process and oops , if I managed to get pregnant , I will give my children with something I didn t managed to get during my childhood ,cherish them as I realized if the process is possible , it will be hard and difficult one . Sometimes , I feel privileged being a transsexual . Why? It is because the life of being one provide me with various challenging situation in every aspects of live . Being a transsexual , I am given the ticket of going through things that not a normal human being managed to get . Then ,what else do I need to mention? Hurmm yes , my life in Wangsa Maju . Yup , something indeed are happening here , all my bitter and sweet memories when I am still a student .

But first , let me talk a bit about my fantasies . I believe , everyone has their own version of fantasies . If given the power and opportunity , I want to be a princess . We all know about the late princess Diana of Great Britain and Princess Letizia of Spain . I always dreaming becoming like them , a woman that create differences in the world ,with their power to inspire and bring happiness to people . As sing by Julie Andrews Crowning Glory soundtrack of the Princess Diaries 2 , The Royal Engagement . I , if given the power , I will definitely use it to the fullest , doing good deeds . Firstly , I want people to eliminate their negative opinion about transsexuals . I want me to be remembered as someone bubbly , happy , friendly , willing to help others and other qualities that a princess supposed to have . In that song , Julie Andrews regard the quality as the heart of gold . I wanted to have the heart of gold . And to me , having that kind of heart will be good qualities and requirements for me in making me a better person . If I m a princess , I wanted to help those in need : namely orphan , abandoned babies , old folks and transsexuals , putting children and old folks as my main priority . Apart from that , I will assign transsexuals , either from male to female or otherwise in entering workforce based on their expertise . I will close as many business deals as possible to keep them employed apart from contributing to the economic growth , thus changing the typical perception of the public about transsexual as a waste of energy and in common , the public thinks negatively regarding transsexuals . To them , transsexuals mostly ended up as prostitute , a useless person . Imagine even if I m having my meal at the warung ( stall) , some itchy , horny bastard of males were aiming to seek services from me , namely blowjob in order to satisfy their lust . But , thankfully my Principe and my moral foundation are strong enough in order for me to face this kind of situation . Some even look at me like one kind , stating that don t you have any work ( prostitution ) to do? You pervert , Bro , where are you going and other irritating question that I think they have the answer . They asking all those crap with full of sarcasms . Well , I can put aside those perception but I guess everyone s patient have their limit . One time , when I were having my supper ( sahur ) during the holy month of

Ramadhan , two guys in a motorcycle throw firecrackers to me . Thank god nothing happened to me as I managed to run away fast . Back for those abandoned babies , I will adopt them as much as possible that I can afford to have as I love babies so much . I mean who can resist to love an innocent , adorable infant? As for myself , as a princess , I have my bad side as well , at least for me . It s bad . Being a princess , I will have the opportunity to wear designers label , carrying designers bag , and wearing everything that I have been longing for all this time . In addition , as a princess , I might find the prince charming . In other words , being a princess is a platform for me to find my other half . As for my prince charming criteria , they will be the same as what I ve been longing for all these while . Most importantly , love me for who I am , guide me and support every correct deed that I m into . Being a princess is not a bad idea after all . But I guess , that s my dream only , and I can be princess my own way . The things that I missed ( part 2 ) During my stay in Wangsa Maju , there are not the mocking , the irritating stare and the hurtful statement that are the problems that I faced . There were one particular incident that me and my so-called friends then can t forget , even until now , at least for me . We were clich for a scratched car . We were assaulted by a group of men . We negotiated with the group and agreed to pay for RM350 . We decided not address the matter to the authority as that will create more harm than good in our opinion . I am 100% innocent as at that moment , I am absent among our group as I was not feeling well then , not joining the group back then , even the car owner s girlfriend said so . We decided to pay mainly because of our safety as we didn t want similar incident or even a worse one occurred in the future .

Despite the fact that we have short supply of cash as we re all students , we still thought of ways accumulating the money to cover for the unpleasant incident . Each of us paid for RM68 . I still remember I have RM100 in bank back then . I survived with the money back then and luck were by my side . Two days later , my study loan come out and that I sighed for relief . Something happened to me at that moment . I didn t expect I will fall in love with someone among that group . I didn t expected that I fall for him until a period of time after the incident . A charming Malay man in my opinion . Usually , we hang out at the same place whereby we have our dinner and supper . He and his gang hang out usually at the stall next to the stall whereby me and my friends usually hang out , happened to be my god-sisters stall . He attempted a few times approach me , but I ignored him back then , until a Friday evening whereby I can t tell why I behave strangely when I saw him .

The magic happened when I came back from my lecture , international finance class , second class for the semester to be exact . During my way back , I went to the usual stall as usual , which happened to be my routine activities to be exact . On the way there , my head was only thinking about the assignment as the lecturer wanted the preview of the presentation slide and the report in 3 weeks period or in other words , in advance to ensure we completed the assignment as required and that will gave us an ample of time to do alteration , in case we missed certain part . That day , I decided not to eat rice as my usual meal . Therefore , I have decided to eat an egg banjo instead . So , I went to purchase the burger at the burger stall near the place where he usually hang out . For the first time , I made an eye contact with him accidentally as he watched the stall for the owner then . He smiled at me and when I saw him playing with the stall owner s child , my heart melted and my instinct told me , he might be my Mr . Right . However , I am not certain whether he had the same feeling as I did . But , when his friends teasing me , mocking around ,he just abstain from doing anything and at some point , he will stop his friends from doing so . Well . I didn t exactly know how and hopefully , he felt the same way as I did thus ending my quest in the search for my soul mate . The question still continue popping around my head until

The answer

I am so in love with him until I post a status comment on facebook that I am in love with him indirectly as he happened to be my friend in facebook back then . One evening , my friend told me the exact truth thus ending all question that playing around in my mind all this while . I am devastated when I heard the answer . He chatted with my friend on facebook and wanted my friend to tell me just forget my feeling for him . He won t fall for me as the fact that he only will in love with a true woman , not a transsexual woman . After that , my friend told me , just forget him and focus on my life . I still remember I was at the Mamak store hanging out back then . I wanted to cry but my tears won t fall down . Slowly , I can accept the fact . But according to my observation I guess I will keep it for myself . I guess the question still continue with no question until now , who is my Mr. Right? Hopefully I can answer that when I managed to publish the next edition .

My tunes , My nightmare

Our life is surrounded by music . In fact , music is connected with our daily lives . Our own life will be our own rhythm . Some motivational , inspirational or entertaining , whatever we call them , music liking depends on individuals taste or in simple words , music that suits our ear . That is the definition of music according to me . My favorite songs will be in the category of motivational songs and creations that bring impact or connected in my daily lives . Among them will be : Alive by Jennifer Lopez , Crowning Glory by Julie Andrews and Raven Baxter , Love Me Tender and Don t know why by Norah Jones ; Sheila Majid , Dayang Nurfaizah , Camelia , Liyana Jasmay and others just naming a few . What should I say? Most of my favorite songs will be a sentimental ,yet memorable one . In fact , my journey in becoming a woman is the song of my life as a whole .

28.6.10 , the date I remembered the most for the year , I m having a huge argument with one of my roommates . After all , I realized I am in fact so nasty in his eyes . Among things that he said that I still remember , a transsexual like you actually always crave for male s dick ,just like me . By the way , he s gay . I quarreled and have some arguments during 2 o clock in the morning . I admit that I m hurt as the fact I live for 22 years , never came across someone that is so irritating and annoying . The very next morning I woke up , I decided to forget the whole thing and just ignore his presence in the house . I decided to start my life all over , having him deleted as one of my friends in my memory . And I bear in mind that I will remember what he said throughout my life , call me vengeful , but that is how thing suppose to go , to me . Actually not only me who feel irritated by his presence , in fact some of my housemate as he keep bringing men to the hostel as port for his sexual activities , to satisfy his lust . And right now , I have some arguments with some of his friends as well , Due to something stupid . He even post status comment in facebook , expressing how much he hated me . Right now , I will just simply ignore them . At least , right now I realized the fact that no true friends in this world . I rather stay alone than having them accompany me in my lives . Some , I am still be friend with them , as my philosophy , I will respect others as long we didn t have any issues , as simple as that . The very next day , after the argument day , 29.6.10 , I was called scary and nightmare by a group of junior boys . I didn t want to show my emotion as I didn t want anyone to know about my aching heart . In addition , distracting my concentration towards my own studies . I decided to let it go , the important thing will be I never harm anyone , as long I aware who I want to be and what I aim for in live .

Along my life in Kuala Lumpur after all these while , I learnt a lot about facts of life , I am exposed to various behavior of normal human being . Firstly , not everyone will like my style . Some think that I m quite arrogant and my quiet nature easily lead to misunderstanding among people . Well , in that case , I better abstain from doing anything or I must be very careful and delicate in dealing with anyone. Yeah , at least I learnt something especially the fact in choosing the right individual to be friend with . Secondly , I learnt that I must be careful and aware with backstabbers . Whenever I come across the fact that your own friends were talking behind your back or simply betray me , the truth remained hurtful to be accepted . I don t want to talk much , but I guess I learnt some valuable lessons that I can apply anytime , anywhere in my daily lives , especially on certain matters such as in looking for friends thus putting trust on anyone . Speaking about putting trust and faith , I learnt as well I must be extra careful and try not to put trust fully on anyone easily , even someone who is related to me or someone who has developed relation with me . Every time my trust is being betrayed , I will simply said in my hear , said it isn t so? Why me? As I tend to love everyone around me . For those I ve hurt , either in the form of words of words or my action , I deeply apologize . Though to some extend , people will tend to see the word sorry for granted or without any symbolic meaning . But to me , the word sorry is sufficient enough as when someone offer me an apology , my heart will melt , not like every moments . Of course , take time , not like the time when I fall in love of course , as I tend to be very fragile if I went through the stage . In fact , I learnt that we must always have the concept of forgiving someone .

But of course , there will be some expectation to my own Principe . If someone offended me for more than three times , either by repeating the same mistake or other offensive things , I will just keep quiet , as that will be the best punishment for them . I will never talk to them , EVER and admitting they have no relation or connection with me . That will be my way . Currently , I m now trying to get to know a few guys , some were not for me , some still keep in touch as friends . For now , I will close my story with guys topic and focus more on my life . Even now , I still focus on my life in my quest of releasing my family from financial problems , one of the reason why I published my own biography . It s about time for me to end up the story.. basically all the things I have mentioned circulated around my life for this 22 years , all bitter and sweet memories , things that taught me a lesson in live . I will struggle really , really hard and try to endure with all those challenges I am about to face just to ensure my dreams will become reality and with that , I will live my life full of meaning . I will try to make difference to this world as much as possible . I will face all challenges full of optimistic . What lies ahead of me? It will still remain a mystery for me and you to find out or discover . Maybe I will publish the second edition , sharing all my achievements and feelings or just vanish in the sea of humans . To some , it s hard to come clean but for me , I m coming clean just with the objective to change peoples perception regarding transsexuals . At least , I am trying to be truthful .

My creations .. Among the activities I enjoy during my free time cooking

me before my trip to hometown in 2009 , May

Dreaming me

Cover page for the book