HEALTHHEALTH-CENTRE

LIFE STYLE MANAGEMENT SERIES

Management Series

RESOLVING CONFLICTS
ARE YOU HABITUATED TO ARGUING?

Arguing is almost like a disease. An argumentative person is addicted to having the last say and this not only makes him or her unpopular but also poses them as an unpleasant companion to have. But why does one argue? Arguments happen because conflicts exist and the toughest thing to handle in any relationship is these conflicts. While a good and a fair argument can clear the air and help you to feel closer to your love or to your family or colleagues, many arguments are just hurtful and destructive. Arguments that never go anywhere, that are repeated year after year, or that leave you feeling awful about yourself are the ones that damage your inner peace and your relationships. Arguments could also stem from an inherent need to prove yourself. An inferiority complex could be a cause for such arguments where in a person almost always feels the need to win the argument. In such case, one needs to understand that by constantly arguing you are only announcing to the world that you feel inferior. Getting past the arguments Lack of communication causes small conflicts to become heated arguments where issues are not resolved because both parties are trying to make their points and are not even listening to what the other person has to say. When you are about to plunge into an argument, stop for a moment and ask yourself the following questions: 1. Are you overreacting because you are tired and stressed? 2. Is the anger gathered inside you for someone or something else? 3. Are you being defensive because you want to avoid having to say you're sorry? 4. When you raise an issue, are you sure this is the main thing that's bothering you or is it something else about the person that has irritated you?

5. Is it hormonal imbalance that is making you unusually irritable or sensitive? 6. Is your mood being affected by illness? If the answer to any of these questions is yes than you know that you are not being fair to the other person by arguing. Stop right there. Go to your space and play some relaxing music, read a book or watch TV. Do whatever, the idea is to distract your mind and give it some time to recuperate from anger and stress. Avoid hurtful arguments by following these few simple guidelines: 1. Be concerned with being kind more than being right If you're kind to others and treat them well, you'll experience fewer arguments. 2. Develop the art of listening Listen to what the other person has to say and dont answer back mindlessly. This will kill half your urge to argue. 3. Learn to keep quiet There will be many occasions when you'll want to respond to a comment someone has made, but if you do you know that it will be an invitation to an argument. Swallow your anger and urge to react and notice that no argument occurs. 4. Set standards for yourself What kind of person do you really want to be? Do you want to be known as an argumentative idiot or would you rather be known as tolerant and understanding. In view of how useless arguing is, learn to hold yourself to a high standard and steer clear from arguing. 5. See the others perspective also Try to understand the stance of the other party also. If possible, slip into their shoes for a while and then look at your arguments from their perspective you might see some light. 6. Know Your Triggers around Arguing Become aware of what comments and situations trigger your anger and argumentative behavior. Learn how you can avoid getting trapped by them in the future.

7. Leave when a conversation is getting too heated Walking away may not be the best idea but it is better than letting an argument turn into an ugly fight. Just get up and leave. This will allow you some time to gather your thoughts and cool down. When your perspective is better you can continue the discussion from a more objective point of view. Remember that no one ever wins a hurtful argument because it almost always leaves a bad taste behind. It has the capacity to severe ties, hurt emotions and create misunderstandings. So take a vow now and steer clear from this poison of hurtful arguments. TOP TEN TIPS TO RESOLVE CONFLICTS Most often not being able to control your anger might act as a stumbling block to your spiritual health. To be a level-headed person, it is essential that you are able to maintain your calm especially when you feel you are being provoked. This miraculous strength will help you to achieve your goals in business as well as your goals for your personal relationships. 1. Share your negative emotions only in person or over the phone. E-mails, answering machine messages, and notes are too impersonal for the delicate nature of negative words. What feels like a bomb on paper may feel like a feather when delivered it in person. 2. Glorify your responses with the phrase, "I understand". This phrase will support your goals when the tension is high and you are struggling to find a common ground while compromising or coming to an agreement with the other party. 3. Whenever you feel threatened by what someone else is saying to you, resist your temptation to defend yourself or to prevent the other person's communication. You need to have complete discipline in order to grow into an open, trusting communicator. 4. Practice making a request to others when you are angry. It is often much easier to make a request than to share your anger. For example, if your maid-servant is driving you crazy by leaving dirty dishes in the wash-basin, it is better to urge him/her than to let your anger take control in ways such as becoming more distant or more rigid in your behavior. 5. Try to repeat the exact words that someone is saying to you when they are in a state of emotional discomfort or when you are not in a position to agree with them completely. This mirroring technique can keep both the speaker and the listener 'centered' in a difficult conversation, especially when the attitude of the person doing the mirroring is to gain understanding from a different point of view.

6. Take responsibility of your own feelings to prevent yourself from blaming others. Have a control over your speech before you get into a blaming session. "I feel angry when you are thirty minutes late and you don't call me" is much better than saying, "You make me so mad by being so late." 7. Learn to listen to both the sides of a conflict if you are the mediator or the counselor. If you can listen and respond in this way you are likely to come up with a solution to the conflict more easily. 8. In a high conflict situation, adopt a playful attitude to empower yourself with emotional self-control. You could also view developing this skill as similar to working out at the gym with weights - the more that you use your self-control the bigger it will grow and the easier it will be to remain calm when tensions are high. 9. When a situation arises that makes you go wild with intense feelings such as rage, wait for a few days to cool down emotionally. With time, you will be in a better situation to judge the issues and comprehend the situation more clearly. 10. Speak with modesty even when you are angry or frustrated. If you permit yourself the luxury to blow up, people are more likely to feel unsafe around you. You rigidity can never support your goals for success in relationships or at work. Regards Dr.R.kapuria
MBBS,PGDBM,AFIH,FCCP,MCAM