Is He Your Man, Or

Is Your Head In The Sand?

A Pocket Guide To Empower Women

“Straight Talk, No Chaser”
Information thats hard to swallow, but good to know!
Russell Price Jr.

Copyright © 2004 by Russell Price, Jr. All rights reserved

Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book
may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without
permission from the publisher except in the case of brief quotations
embodied in critical articles or reviews. For information, write to:
The Guide Publishing Group Inc, P.O.Box 6721 Largo Md. 20792

Names and identifying characteristics of people in the book

have been changed to protect the individuals.

Book design by Russell Price Jr.

Acknowledgments

I’m a man, just a man, but I have been truly favored by God, and I have been
blessed to have accomplished amazing things in my life and to have met people
beyond my wildest dreams. I’ve served in the United States Air Force, and have
been a police officer, businessman, talk show host, and motivational speaker and
relationship analyst. I did none of this alone.

I am who I am today because of the people I have met and the love and support I
received from them.

I am a man. And, as a man, I have made mistakes. Most of my mistakes have been the
result of my own shortcomings. But I have always tried to do the right thing; and
when I fell, someone was always there to pick me up, and give me words of
encouragement and inspiration.

The following people have touched my life in some way, and I appreciate and always
will remember what they have done for me.

I want to thank my mom for giving me life. In doing so, I became your son and you
became a mother – before my birth, you were just a woman, since I was your
firstborn. Mom, I love you .

I want to thank the woman who is the flower of my life, who was named after a
flower. Thank you for your support and being there. When I fell, you were the net
that caught me – because I never hit the ground. Her name is not important because
a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet.

Joe Davis, my uncle who was like a dad to me: thank you for your wisdom.

Donna Cooper, my cousin: thanks for your gentle spirit and love.

Gwendolyn Price, my sister: I love you.

Cathy Hughes, so many thanks for being the first to recognize my talent and for
giving me my start in radio.

Sam Chaney, thank you for being my friend when I most needed a friend.

Renee’ Young, thank you for good conversation and inspiration.

Judge Mablean Ephriam, Esq.: meeting you gave me the desire to write this book –
thanks.

Dennis Jarman, thanks for being my friend and having honor and integrity.

Marcia Foster, thank you for your uncanny ability to understand.

Jamie Foster Brown, I am grateful for your magazine that inspired me and let me
know I can do it too.

Charles “Butch” Young, thanks for going the extra mile for me.

Ann Pratt, you are simply the best.

Malcolm E. Beech Sr., an acknowledgment for being the godfather of pub-

lishing.

Clayton and Dorothy Young- for letting me see what a true marriage is.

Robert Freeman, you are a great example of excellence.

Karen M. Rhodes, thank you for your confidence in me and your support.

Sharr Mustaf, my gratitude for being my support and advertising support.

James and Arnita Wise, thank you for adding that special touch to being married.

Tina Randal- my cousin for believing in me and being excited about this book

Herb “Fame” Feemster, thanks for your support.

Audrey Chapman, thanks for being a trailblazer and having me as a guest on your
show, giving me inspiration to soar.

Barry Fletcher, you were a beacon of light that guided me to know it can be
done – many thanks for your support.

P.J. Gardner, we go way back in time and you supported me along the way.

Delores Nash, for caring, for sharing, and I thank her for inspiring me to reach
out and share with others.

Joe “Butterball” Tamburro, for aspiring me to get on the radio.

Thanks to Jeannette Cezanne, my editor, who saw and shared the vision and made the
trip into the world of publishing so much easier.

I Know you are probably thinking, he must have listed everyone he ever knew! But
this isn’t even close- these are just a few of some of the people that have
touched my life, And if, by some remote chance, I have omitted anyone, please
forgive me.
Table of Contents

INTRODUCTION

Chapter One: Relationship Beef Stew

Chapter Two: Yes, There is a God

Chapter Three: I Knew He Was Not My Man

Chapter Four: Shacking: Somebody Is Lacking

Chapter Five: The Five Elements Of Shacking

Chapter Six: When Children Live In The Home

Chapter Seven : An Engagement Ring With No Date

Chapter eight: Young Love

Chapter Nine: The Power Of Virginity

Chapter Ten : When Your Husband Is Not Your Man

Chapter Eleven: Are You Manless By Choice Or Are You

Just Manless?

Chapter:Twelve: Married Man

Chapter:” Thirteen: When Your Man Is Your Man

Chapter Fourteen: Relationships in The Twenty-First

Century

Chapter Fifteen: Equally Yoked

Chapter Sixteen: Act like You Don't Know Me

Chapter Seventeen: Young Man, Older Woman

Chapter Eighteen: What makes A Man Want To Be Your

Man (Get Married)

About The Author

Introduction

“The person who goes farthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare.
The sure-thing boat never gets far from shore.”

- Dale Carnegie

Can we begin by imagining how relationships could be different, how it could be

if, when a man meets a woman, he not only looks like a man, but he has the man
card in his back pocket, and could pull it out when it is needed, instead of
undermining women and perpetrating a fraud?
We are living in the midst of an information revolution where information is
power; and this book will empower women to be able to answer the question, “Is he
your man, or is your head in the sand?” I wrote this book to let women know this:
you can make a difference in your relationships by looking deep before you leap,
as Judge Mablean Ephriam, Esq says on Divorce Court. About two out of three
American women have been in a relationship with a man that they thought was their
man and soon found out that he was not. Just like the song says, “everybody plays
the fool sometime.”

This book is both a practical how-to, as well as giving you the stories of real
people with real stories involved in relationships, giving you a comprehensive
manual for turning your relationship into a loving and exciting partnership.

By the fact that this book is in your hands, you must agree, at least in part,
that the title says it all. Perhaps you or someone you know is in a relationship
with a man and she believes that he is her man but really he is not her man. All
the signs are there, but she can’t see or doesn’t want to see.

Relationships

On a cold night in February while on routine patrol as a police officer in

Maryland, a call came over my police radio, “ Baker Five, take the domestic in
Fort Washington.” I then proceeded to the location of the call as I had done so
many times before. As a police officer, I got a lot of calls for service that were
domestic-related. On this evening, I was the first officer on the scene. I knocked
on the door and said, “County police.” As the door opened, I observed a tall
woman, probably five-ten, standing in a terry cloth bathrobe, arms folded in
disgust. She said to me, “Officer, he won’t leave. Get him out of my house!” She
pointed to a tall thinly-built man who was standing next to a black Hefty bag full
of items. I then asked him what was the problem; he told me that he lived there
and that she was putting him out, but he did not have anywhere to go. I then
asked him, was this his house and was his name on the deed? He said no. I told him
that he would have to go. He then picked up the black Hefty bag and walked out
into the cold; he didn’t even have a car. As I watched him walk away, I asked her,
was she all right? She replied “yes”. I then asked her how he had gotten into her
house in the first place.

She told me that they had been going together for six months. At the time, he was
living in his mother’s house, but coming over to her house a lot, and she thought
it would be nice to have her man live with her since he was there most of the time
anyway. Once he moved into her house, however, he lost his job and was lying
around her house all day while she was at work. She didn’t like it, she was fed
up, and that is when she asked him to leave; he refused to go, so she called the
police. As I cleared the call on my police radio, I said to myself that she had to
know that he was not her man – he was living with his mother when she met him,
whereas she was living in a seven hundred-thousand-dollar house... duh!

There is nothing wrong with that as long as you know what you have. So many women
can’t see that he is not your man. Example: I was asked to speak at a relationship
seminar in Washington DC, and a lady stood up and asked me a question. She said,
“What is wrong with men today? I am an educated woman with a PhD. I am very secure
with myself. I met this man who I was attracted to. At the time I had just
recently purchased a $500,000 home. I was proud of my accomplishments. We talked
over the phone and I invited him over for brunch. When he arrived I showed him my
house and we had brunch on the patio. He loved the way I had decorated my home and
he was very impressed with our conversation over brunch. Our experience together
was very exciting and stimulating. He called me every day the following week, so I
invited him over for dinner on Saturday I fixed a scrumptious meal including
dessert – chocolate-covered strawberries – and by the end of the
evening he ended up staying over and we had great great sex.

He then came over the next week on Friday and stayed till Sunday; he then came
over the following weekend and this continued every weekend. By the fifth weekend
I was pissed, so when he pulled up in the driveway, as he got out the car, I said
to him, “What kind of man are you?You never once brought me a bottle of champagne
and you never even ask to take me out; don't you think I like to go out sometimes,
dancing, to a movie or something?” She went on and on: “That's what's wrong with
the men today, they don't know how to treat a real lady.”

I listened to what she had to say and I realized that she did not understand where
he was coming from, and that if she had to ask him a question like that - why
didn’t he take her out - then he was not her man.

Ladies, I want to be clear on this: when a man meets a woman, he determines in his
mind within five minutes whether or not she is restaurant material. If a man has
been seeing you for three weeks or more and never asks to take you out, don’t ask
him why, it’s because he doesn’t want to take you out! He may not want to be seen
with you, or he doesn’t like the way you look. When a man meets a woman who is
restaurant material, the first thing he says is, how about lunch, or, can I take
you to dinner, because even if he does not get involved with the woman, he wants
the pleasure and the opportunity to spend an hour with her – just to be able to
walk in a restaurant with her and let people see her with him may be worth it
because he thinks she is hot. If he does not bring flowers, it is because he
doesn't want to. If he comes in late, don’t bother asking him where he has been –
he's been where he wanted to be, and it’s quite apparent
that was not with you.

Somewhere, right now, there is a man living with a woman and she knows in the back
of her mind he's not a whole man, but occasionally she doesn’t realize it until
something happens.

Carolyn asked Joel to move into her home and he agreed. Joel knew that he just
needed a place to stay and he really was not trying to be a “man.”
Carolyn knew he was not everything she wanted in a man, but she was hoping that
he would get it together. Things were going extremely well with just them sharing
her home; he took her places and the sex was great.

One day Carolyn got a call from her daughter Mary, who was 35 years old and said
she had lost her job and she needed to come home. Carolyn said okay, not
discussing it with Joel. When Joel came home from work, there was her daughter.
Mary looked at Joel and immediately did not like him. She gave him no respect; she
started going in the refrigerator eating up his food, changing the channel with
the remote when he was watching something on TV... In other words, they did not
get along.

One Sunday, Joel was fixing dinner for Carolyn; he cooked a roasted chicken, added
candlelight, fresh roses on the table and so on. Mary came downstairs after
smelling the food, observed the roasted chicken on the table, and sat down at the
table. Carolyn was upstairs getting ready to come downstairs for the dinner that
Joel had prepared. He hollered upstairs, “Honey, the food is ready,” at which time
Mary was already sitting at the table. She reached over without even saying grace
and pulled a chicken leg off the chicken. Joel asked her why she did that – “this
meal is for your mother. I prepared it for her!” She said to him, “I'm hungry.”

Joel was upset; he went upstairs and told Carolyn what just happened. Carolyn
looked at him and said, “We don't argue about food in this house.” He knew at that
point that things weren’t going to work out and eventually he had to move out.

Here’s another similar story:

Cynthia was five-four, petite in build, with a very voluptuous figure. She was a
paralegal secretary in a well-known law firm in Washington, DC. Cynthia loved
clothes and never wore the same thing twice. All the men in the law firm could not
wait for her to come to work to see what she would have on next. She loved all the
attention that the men gave her about her attire.

On January fifteenth, Steve was hired to work for the firm. Steve was six-four
with a slim figure, and was very attractive for his age, which was forty four. The
very first time Steve met Cynthia, their eyes locked on each other and the
chemistry began. Steve said, “I like your outfit.” This was nothing Cynthia
hadn’t heard from so many men before. But when Steve said it, it was different.
Cynthia knew she liked him. By the end of January Cynthia looked forward to Steve
coming to work. They wouldn’t talk much, but both of them was hot for the other.

One day, the first week in February, Steve asked Cynthia to have lunch. She was
delighted. At lunch they talked, held hands and as they walked back to the office;
hand in hand they got into the elevator, just the two of them. Steve kissed
Cynthia for the first time. Her lips were soft as medicated cotton. They kissed
for over a minute as the elevator stopped on several floors. All that day he
called her on the phone at her desk and talked back and forth. By Friday, Cynthia
asked Steve to come over her house for dinner. It was the first Saturday in
February when he came over. She fixed a meal that went straight to a man’s stomach
and heart. Once his stomach was full, they fell into each other’s arms. Steve
spent the night and all that passion and excitement that was building up over the
past few weeks exploded into hot sex.

That Monday at the office, they could not keep their eyes off each other. She
invited Steve to come over on Wednesday and he spent the night.
Cynthia was one happy woman. She called her girlfriends and said, “I met this man,
he’s the one, I’m going to marry this man!”

Saturday was Valentine’s Day and Steve never even called Cynthia. Her girlfriends
all thought this was kind of strange. They thought Steve should have at least
called; after all, they were sleeping together and he was supposed to be her man.
In reality it doesn’t work that way. You really can’t wait twenty days before
Valentine’s Day and expect a man to be your valentine. Even if you are sleeping
with him prior to Valentine’s Day, you may think, “I’m so lucky, I found my
valentine,” he may be thinking, “I just found me some good sex.”

I can go on and on about relationship situations. In most cases, men and women do
not communicate, because when it comes to a man, he knows how he feels about a
woman. If he wants to be your man, he will tell you and show you.

Many people talk about relationships. There are relationship experts and
relationship therapists, counselors, and match-makers. So many of them are women
but there are very few men who talk about relationships from a male perspective.
The reason men don’t talk about relationship issues is it may not be to their
advantage.

Because information is power. If women knew how certain men really felt, then
would they still think he was her man? One of the reasons I wrote this book is
that people ask me all of the time, “What makes you know what you know?”
I tell them, “I came to Washington, DC in 1972 , and through experiences and
relationships with women, I’ve been there and done that. Got the tee shirt, the
mug, the Emmy, and the Oscar. I can tell you what you have in a relationship from
a male perspective. Straight talk, no chaser. Information that may be hard to
swallow but good to know.”

C H A P T E R O N E

Relationship Beef Stew

“Occasionally in life there are those moments of unutterable fulfillment which

cannot be completely explained by those symbols called words. Their meanings can
only be articulated by the inaudible language of the heart.”

- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Beef stew is a "comfort food,” and can appropriately be compared to a great

relationship. In today’s world of insanity in homes, businesses, etc., we all need
to add comfort to our relationships!

My beef stew ingredient is "spike," which is a non-salt seasoning found

in most grocery stores. Spike takes the place of salt and is healthy for you. It
is a wonderful blend of sage, garlic, peppers, oregano, sea seasonings, paprika,
cumin etc. I love to cook and I add it to most of my dishes. It’s even great
sprinkled on popcorn! Spike for beef stew will add a zesty taste to this comfort
meal – and Spike will add zest to your relationship.

To spike your relationship, think out of the box. Don’t use ordinary table salt –
do something different! Surprise your man with new lingerie at least weekly,
change your hairstyle often and keep it fresh. Change your nail polish when you
change your hair. Call his mom when you call yours. A good man needs a manicure
and pedicure from you at least every five weeks if you can: men love to be
pampered. Start with his feet (this is a great time to talk about sensitive
subjects while you are massaging with warm almond oil); give him breakfast in bed
on Sunday morning, then let him go back to sleep; you can wake him up before game
time with "extracurricular activity!” Mmmmm… then let him watch the game in
peace with cold beer constantly served, then put him back to sleep after the
game, or allow him to hang with the fellows if he chooses.

Spike up the relationship with the unexpected! He deserves it, and if he doesn’t
appreciate it and return some of the same Spike, then save your Spike for the next
man. But, whatever you do, don’t leave the Spike out of either the beef stew or
the relationship!

Friendship is one of the most important ingredients in any relationship beef stew!

“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friend”
- John: Chapter 15, Verse 13

I personally think it is important to be friends first in any relationship.

Friends last longer; it is my position that if you become friends before you
become lovers, you have allowed yourself to really get to know the person and not
just their physical being.

Friendship
By Aurelia L. Hasty
It's hard to describe a friend
One thing for sure they are always there
when you least expect them.

If I were to enter a universal door to a room of choice

and saw a scale that had gold on one side
and friendship on the other
I truly would choose friendship.

Value is in the eye of the beholder

It's not always tangible - One thing for certain
Friendship is a value that is greater than all Wealth.

To have a true friend is the greatest Wealth in my life...

Now...Then...Always

What Happens When There is no Friendship?

“He had never been married, nor has had children. I knew a man his age without
kids was too good to be true. Before I can tell you about my story, I need to tell
you a little bit about myself. I'm 42 and divorced after being married for 20
years. I never cheated on my drug-addicted husband. I have three wonderful
children and two grandchildren; and I am extremely attractive. I guess that's why
people find this whole story amazing.

Here’s my story: I thought my guy friend and I would finally be a family when
he moved in with me a couple of weeks ago. When I first met him, he had it going
on. He had his own place and a nice job. But he got laid off from his job of eight
years. And three months into our relationship, he lost his place. After that, he
moved into his sister's house (or so I was told). Last Sunday morning, while lying
in bed, the phone rings. He looks at the caller ID and says, “Why is (she) calling
here,” referring to his so-called sister. He picks up the phone and asks her what
does she want. Since I can only hear his side of the conversation, all I hear is,
"Don't call here with this crap. Why are you bringing (her, in reference to
me) into this? What does she have to do with this?" He acts like she hangs up
in his face.

I now know that she didn't hang up. As a matter of fact, she is not his sister.
One day while he was out, she and another women called me on three-way. They told
me that my man left her house and moved in with another woman who’s Korean but
acts black. They wanted me to know what a sorry son of a bitch he really is. He
even blocked their phone numbers, which I didn't know about until the Korean chick
told me later. She calls me one day on my cell phone. She asks me if he's my man
and then proceeds to explain her relationship with him — how they’ve been together
for the past year and how her child calls him daddy. If he hadn't left and taken
her computer, she said she would’ve never found out about me. You see, for the
past two years I thought I was in a relationship with a man who was just going
through changes, but still loved me. We even made wedding plans. Now thinking back
on the relationship, I feel stupid. I remember him justifying coming to my house
in the middle of the night by saying he was working at different clubs on the
side; and not being able to reach him on his cell phone most of the time. That
should have sent red flags in my mind, but I loved him so much. I've even met the
so-called sister, and made love to him in her house. He had his own private phone
number set up at her house. And on occasion, I left messages with her to have him
call me. She never said anything. Needless to say, when I got the phone call on
Sunday night, I threw him out, clothes and all.
Over the past week he has emailed me, begging me to take him back. Every time he
calls me, the Korean chick calls me saying that he chose her and he said he loves
us both but she's got him now, ‘cause he went back to live with her. Today, I
changed my cell and home phone number to end all contact with him.

The sad part is — I still love him and I almost took him back yesterday. He calls
saying he was miserable with the Korean chick because she checks his emails and
his cell phone calls and deletes all of his messages; even the ones that I helped
him get because I was setting up job interviews for him. The only reason he’s with
her, he claims, is because her family was going to finance a business for him.
He’s just using her. But now he's caught up cause he doesn’t have anywhere else to
live. All of this would not have happened if he would’ve come correct and been
with me on the up and up. Well, I called him back last night to tell him let's try
this again, but she answered the phone. I told her that I apologized for calling
the wrong number. She knew who I was because she asked if I wanted to talk to him,
I said yes. He grabbed the phone from her and cut off the conversation.

I've gone from being a well-educated attractive black woman to being the weak
“other woman.” And I’m not sure why. Why did I stay in this relationship for so
long? I felt something was wrong, but I buried my head in the sand ‘til I couldn't
ignore the obvious anymore. And to even consider taking him back still — What the
hell is wrong with me? Yeah, the sex was great, but I was acting like he's the
new crack. Now that I've changed all my phone numbers, I take one day at a time
‘cause his love is like a drug. I can't seem to remember all the times he forgot
to pick me up or the week that would go by without him calling me. I thought I
could fix this broken man, but I couldn’t. I've only given you a brief description
of this whole mess, which is pretty scary.

If you or any women that you know have gone through what I’ve been through and
would like to share their story, let me know.”

www.relationshipstoday.org E-Mail: relationshiptalk123@yahoo.com

C H A P T E R TWO

Yes, There Is A God!

“Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light.”

- Helen
Keller

I'm sure as one reads over these words, let's say among the female readers,
someone is in a relationship, marital or otherwise, and you recognize some day-to-
day occurrences that somehow never end. He can't manage his money, checks bounce
everywhere, there is denial, he’s disorganized, has mood swings, anger rages, no
home project gets completed. His car looks ransacked, your bedroom stays
ransacked. Always late, no dates, and he stays distracted. Little things, like
paying bills on time, opening the mail, losing bank cards, keys, cash, disconnect
notices, are just that to him: little things. There is really no need to pull up a
credit report.

You bang your head against a wall and say, continuously, "we never seem to make
any progress It's always this way. Needless to say, you have convinced yourself
that your “love” is the staying power that sustains the relationship, regardless
of how miserable you really are.

Thirteen years later, the time has come to confront the school thing. I'm speaking
of the notes from teachers, counselors, coaches, and parents that address your
ten-year-old son's behavior. Disorganized, unfocused, gets out of his seat, no
task is completed; the desk looks ransacked, the locker is ransacked. Lost keys,
lunch money, textbooks, clothes, etc, etc, etc. Not to mention the countless
times hearing, he doesn't take any responsibility for his actions and/or behavior.
"Not me.I didn't do it".I don't know. The tests have been completed and the
results are in. The psychologist tells you that he has Attention Deficit
Disorder. Furthermore, this disorder is inherited, incurable, and most prevalent
in males.

Before he could even begin to talk about treatment, I found myself rising from my
chair, looking my husband in his face and blurting out, "I knew it was something
with you, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.”

I'm going to end my story here and let you draw your own conclusions. I will only
say that I now have an excellent credit rating, own a home, have savings – and
that my son is an honor role student attending high school. Yes, there is a God!

TC3

C H A P T E R T H R EE

I Knew He Was Not My Man When...

“The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. The
fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do.
You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure, the process is its
own reward. “

- Amelia
Earhart

I knew he was not my man when…

“I was at his funeral, and the pastor was saying that he understood that Roland
(the deceased) had a fiancee, and he would like for her to stand, so that the
people who didn’t already know ME could meet me... and you can imagine my surprise
when three women – besides myself, that stood up! He’d better be glad that I,
rather we, were already about to bury him!”

I knew he was not my man when…

“I drove over 500 miles (only stopping for gas in my excitement) to spend the
weekend with him before embarking on a six-week business trip on the other side of
the world. He was taking a shower when I arrived at his home and he asked me to
look in his underwear drawer and bring him some clean underwear. I didn’t know
which drawer was the correct one, and opened the wrong drawer by mistake. Imagine
my initial leaps of joy and excitement when I saw a receipt for an $8,000.00-
engagement ring (that he had purchased earlier that same day). As I continued to
look at the receipt I noticed that it was a size nine, but I wear a size six…
still, I thought my sweetie had just had to guess at my ring size. But I continued
to look at the receipt, and that was when I saw something that made me freeze:
where it said, “Fiancee’s name,” he had written, “Carley Howard.” And my name is
not Carley Howard. “
I knew he was not my man when…
“I moved from Houston, Texas, to Washington, DC, to be near him; and two months
after I moved to DC, he moved to California... with no discussion!”

I knew he was not my man when…

“I flew to California to see him in a play and he instructed me to not tell anyone
that I was his woman, supposedly because he didn’t want everyone in his personal
business, and he introduced me to everyone all weekend as his “bid whist” card
-playing buddy.”

I knew he was not my man when…

“He came home to visit for ten days, after moving to California from DC, and I
only saw him approximately one hour during his entire visit...”

I knew he was not my man when…

“He married someone else… need I say more?”

I knew he was not my man when…

“I asked him for a tennis bracelet for Christmas and he bought me a tennis racket!
And no, he didn’t misunderstand the request.”

I knew he was not my man when…

“He told me he wasn’t! No mystery here.”

You know he is not your man when:

He tries to get your friends, relatives, and associates to turn against you.

He starts telling your family business to make himself look good.

You no longer see the lean green (money) coming your way.

The compliments stop.

He no longer sits at your table and eats your food.

He no longer wears his wedding ring.

He no longer buys your clothes, pays for your hair-do’s, or supports your
endeavors.

He ignores you when you look your sexiest.

He starts calling you out of your name... instead of your name.

He no longer cares what time you come in.

He says to you, ”I don’t need to buy you a car, you can buy it yourself.”

He says, “ I won’t buy a house.”

He says, “What do you need money for?”

He doesn’t acknowledge your birthday or anniversary anymore.

Christmas comes around and there are no gifts under the tree for you, instead he
goes to K-Mart and buys a cheap looking sweater that looks like it has been washed
X number of times, but buys his sister a brand new coat for Christmas.

The car you are driving is raggedy with springs coming up in the seat and he is
buying a new car and has the nerve to ask you for the down payment.

You are sick and throwing up, and he looks at you and goes on like nothing is
happening.

He starts opening and reading your mail.

You find mail from another woman signed, “affectionately” or “fondly yours,” and
he says, “Oh, she’s just a friend.”

He says, “Why don’t you leave?”

The washing machine breaks down and he does not fix it, and lets you go out in the
cold to wash.

He puts his sister or family before you.

You find out that he has other bank accounts or that he won the lottery, and you
are finding out too late.

You paid his car note for six months, and the car still got repossessed.

There was six feet of snow in the driveway and he let you pull the trash container
to the curb.

The checks he wrote out monthly for his “Child Support” totaled more than the
rent.

He borrowed your car to go visit his sick mother and had an accident at the club.

You gave him $8,000 to pay off his credit cards in December and he asks you in
January for $1,400 to go to the Superbowl.

C H A P T E R F O U R

Shacking: Somebody Is Lacking

“Accept responsibility for your life. Know that it is you who will get you where
you want to go, no one else.”

- Les Brown

In today’s relationships, many women are letting men share their homes and lives,
under the umbrella of manhood. Call it what you will, shacking, cohabitating, or
just plain living together: “My man and I live together.” However, a man would
not live with a woman unless he was lacking something; obviously, a home. You must
satisfy basic needs before you can go to the next level. The basics are food,
shelter, and safety (c.f. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs). If you acquaint yourself
with someone who doesn’t have the basics, at that point he knows that he is not
his own man. When you choose to move him into your house, you are satisfying his
basics needs immediately; therefore, she believes he can go to the next level of
needs, which is the need for sex and love.

However, he is still not your man. This is usually revealed to the woman when
something happens. For example, she comes home from work and discovers that the
hot water heater has broken and the basement is flooded with water. She begins to
get the water up with a mop and towels at which time he comes home and observes
the water. She asks him to give her a hand, and he does. She later starts calling
around and finds that a replacement heater will cost her around eight hundred
dollars. She approaches her man and asks him to help her with the cost and he says
to her, “I don’t have it,” after which he goes upstairs and picks up the TV
remote.

She then calls upon others to help in this crisis and eventually calls her father.
The first thing her father says to her is, “What about that man who lives with
you? Why can’t he help you?” She replies, “Daddy, he doesn’t have the money.” Her
father asks, “Why is he in your house?”

Her father loans her the money, she replaces the hot water heater and
then she reiterates her father’s words, “Why is he in my house?” As he takes a
shower and she hears the hot running water, running over his body, and knowing he
contributed nothing to make this happen, she realizes that he is not her man, her
head is in the sand.

What if this had been a real emergency? He could not be there for her. From this
point the flavor of the relationship changes and she is reminded of the old adage,
“I can do bad by myself.” At this time her eyes are opened and she realizes that
he should not have moved in there in the first place. She wants him out.

If you find yourself in a simular situation and you contemplate letting a man move
into your house, step outside of yourself and ask yourself, “What would my man
do?” (w •w •m •m•d?)

Let’s be clear on this, no whole man would move into a woman’s house, give up his
freedom, not intending to marry her, unless he is lacking something.

C H A P T E R F I V E

The Five Elements of Shacking

“You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the
seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have
charge of.”

- Jim Rohn

Many men are living with women under the umbrella of manhood. In reality, they are
not their own man. The woman who allows this, thinks that he is her man. In order
to convince her that he is her man, it takes five elements of shacking. If all
five elements are in place, the man can shack six months to five years or more.
(If a man knows that, he is truly not her man; but he needs a place to stay.) He
knows that he can stay in someone else's house without convincing her that he
should be there. He knows the woman would not put a man in her house and take care
of him unless she felt that there was a future with him.

Element One
SEX is the first element of shacking. When the sex is good, the man gets to visit
the house and stays overnight for more than one day. She's looking at the fact
that she enjoys him sexually and she wants him to visit more often. The more times
he visits , the more she feels as though he is her man. She knows that he doesn't
have a place of his own, so she suggests that he move in and she gives him a key
of his own.

Element Two
The second element is MONEY. He knows that he really has no intentions of being
her man. However, he also knows that he has to show some kind of good faith
because he cannot live there rent-free with just the first element of shacking
(i.e.,sex). So he suggests contributing $400.00 a month to the household. That's
normally the magic number because he figures $200.00 a pay period is nothing. The
average apartment costs at least $700.00 to $1,000.00 a month. So that's a big
savings –no way he could live that kind life style for $400.00 a month!

Element Three
The third element is GROCERIES. To make it appear that he is truly concerned, he
adds another element. He suggests to her that he will buy the groceries. This
sounds good to her, and she believes that he is making an effort and is showing
that he cares. It may cost him $200.00 the first month to actually fill the
refrigerator up with food, but only about $30.00 to $40.00 to make the
refrigerator appear to be full from then on.

Element Four
The fourth element is HANDYMAN. He starts to fix things around the house. Wash the
car, cleans the gutters, and makes repairs around the house.

Element Five
The fifth element is ENTERTAINMENT. This is the last and final element to ensure
that he can shack with a woman. He takes her out to the movies, dinner, social
events, etc. This conveys to her that she has a man. In reality, her head is in
the sand. This can go on for three to four years. He has no intentions of having a
committed relationship or one that can lead to marriage.

Conclusion
As long as all five elements are in place, she may not realize that he is not her
man. If one or two elements are not there, it becomes quite apparent. He stops
giving her the money, sex, and refuses to be seen with her. She knows that he is
not her man, and he is asked to leave.

C H A P T E R S I X

When Children Live In The Home

“Respect commands itself, and it can neither be given, nor

withheld when it is due.”

Eldridge Cleaver

If a man moves into your house and you have children – especially small children –
then be very clear about this: he is not your man. He is more concerned about a
roof over his head than he is about respect for you and the emotional welfare of
your children.

The very first time he emerges from your bedroom and sits at your dining table in
a comfortable fashion, he is letting you know that he does not respect your
household. Eventually your children are going to ask why he is there.

You may not be immediately aware of it, but within six months to a year he is
going to start doing things to let you know that he should have never moved in
there in the first place – things like fighting, arguing, cussing, physical abuse,
coming home late. And what will your children think of that? Do you want them to
think that is how a man should behave?

Do you want him to be their model for what a man should be? Take a hard look at
him and think about it. Is this really what you want your children learning?

Under no circumstances should you let a man move in with you and your children. It
sets a bad example to them. At some point you have to explain why this man is in
your house; and, believe me, children know that this man is lacking!

The child will ask questions like, “Mommy, where is his house? Are you going to
marry him?” and so on. You won’t have an answer for them,
because he doesn’t have an answer for you.

So you have to ask yourself: is he your man, or is your head in the sand?

C H A P T E R S E V E N

An Engagement Ring With No Date

“Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it
is willing to see less.”

- Rabbi Julius Gordon

A man knows that he is not your man in some cases when he meets a woman who is
truly someone he wants to be involved with – but knows from the start that he will
not want to marry her. He does not, however, tell her this. She is exciting enough
physically, sexually, for him to want to be with her, and he does not want anyone
else to have her. So as they are supposedly boyfriend and girlfriend, she is
thinking on the lines that he is her man and she wants to take things to the next
level, which means commitment – marriage and a future together.

He knows that she is not really his type of woman but he also knows what it would
take to make her think that he is her man. After a year of dating, she starts
asking the difficult questions – Do you love me? When are we getting married? Her
girlfriends are asking her about the relationship and when they’re going to be
getting married. All this time, he knows that he has no intention of marrying her
– but he doesn’t want her to stop seeing him.

So what he does is this: he goes out and buys an engagement ring. He picks the
appropriate moment and gives her the ring. She is so excited that he gave her the
ring – all she sees is the sparkling diamond. They are engaged! In her mind, they
are already married: he is her man. They both express their love for each other
and the passion intensifies between them, which is just fine with him. She tells
the whole world about the engagement and that he is her man. All the while, he
knows that he is never going to follow through. This happens more than one
realizes.

The engagement ring leads the woman to believe that they are going to the next
level; but he knows differently. The ring for him is just a way of getting another
year (or years!) of commitment and the best sex that he could ever dream of –
because she is now more giving of herself, physically as well as emotionally.

The key to this is the engagement ring with no wedding date. In some cases when it
gets to this point, the engagement can last for years. Only when she suggests to
him that they should set a wedding date does anything come into the open.

Usually he pushes it off and says, “Of course I’m going to marry you,” but still
no date is set. She then insists on a date, which leads to arguments and
subsequently a breakup. She keeps the ring and he moves on to his next target.
What she has lost is one to two years of prime time of her life that could have
been devoted to someone worthy of her trust and love.

When a man loves a woman to the level of wanting her to be his wife, the most
important person in his life, he then gets engaged. The engagement signifies to
her and to others that she is the one, the only one. That’s why you hear the
statement, “I’m engaged.”

Once he puts the ring on the woman’s finger, the man will set a date. At this
point he has already waited for her; and now that he has found her, she is the
one, he can’t wait and they have to set a date. An agreement is made for a date
and when she announces her engagement, she tells everyone the date and she then
makes plans for her wedding.

An engagement ring with no date... Is he your man or is your head is in the sand?

C H A P T E R E I G H T

Young Love

“You will find, as you look back upon your life, that the moments when you really
lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love.”

- Henry Drummond

In relationships among our youth, many young women feel as though young boys are
their man – but their heads are in the sand. If you are a young girl, say fifteen
or sixteen years old, and you meet a young man seventeen-eighteen years old and he
wants to date you and says to you he wants to be your “man” – stop and think
about that for a minute. You have a 4.0 grade point average, you’re a virgin, and
you like yourself. You have goals and aspirations.

He, on the other hand, while he may be nice-looking and have nice clothes, has a
2.0 grade point average and can’t even spell encyclopedia. Yet he says he likes
you and wants to be your man, and he gets you to do things that will affect who
you are. When it’s time to study he wants you to come out and play. He wants to do
things to you sexually that will take your virginity.

You have to stop and think how he could possibly like you when he clearly doesn’t
like himself. Also, how could he be your man, when he is still a boy?

Association means something. When you associate yourself with him, one of two
things will happen: either he will become like you, or you will become like him.
Let me be very clear: there are no other options.

Sadly, in most cases, you will become like him. Your 4.0 grade point
average will decline. How you feel about yourself morally and ethically will not
be as important, and you will find yourself in bitter conflict with your loved
ones about detaching yourself from him.
How could he be your man, when he is not his own man? That’s not even looking at
the fact that he is taking away part of who you are; and no real man will ever do
that.

If he is approaching you under the umbrella of being your man, he is lying to you,
because he is not a man himself and he has nothing to offer you. He lives with his
mother, and he cannot be there for you financially or emotionally.

Some young girls do nothing with this type of information; they give themselves to
this young boy, lose their virginity, in some cases get pregnant... and
eventually the reality sets in that not only is he not her man, he really was
never a man and he is certainly not ready for parenthood. Another innocent child
enters the system and is forced upon her family; and he moves on to another
alleged love.

C H A P T E R N I N E

The Power Of Virginity

“Few people have the virtue to withstand the highest bidder.”

- George Washington

Virginity is the powerful essence of a young girl. It’s a tremendous decision to

give away your virginity to a young man who you perceive to be your man – because
your head may be in the sand.

It can cause you complications. When a boy puts you in a position that will cause
you to lose your virginity, what he is saying to you is that you are not
important. What is important is what he wants from you, which is your virginity.
The boy may tell you that you must prove your love to him by having sex. If this
happens, you can say to him, “If you loved me, you would respect who I am and who
I want to become. You would not want to do this to me.”

The power of virginity is significant. If you are a young girl who is a virgin,
and you want to stay that way, there are three things that will stop a boy from
taking your virginity away:

1) Tell him that you are a virgin and that it is important to you to remain a
virgin and that you would like him to respect your wishes.
2) Tell him that you love your parents. Explain that your father and mother
have nothing but respect for you and raised you well, and that you want him to do
the same.
3) Tell him that you are saved, if you are; that you have given yourself to
Christ and you are saving yourself for marriage.

A young boy who wants to get a girl to do something dirty does not want to go
through those three things – its not worth it to him.

If you are a virgin, and your self-respect is important to you, then it isn’t too
much trouble to go though that. If you love your dad and mom, tell the
boy who wants to take your virginity, “Come meet my parents.” Chances are that he
won’t want to do that, because his intentions are not good. Lastly, if you tell
him you are saved, that you have given yourself to God, then he knows no sex is
worth going though God for. He would rather wait for someone else, take her
virginity and get to you later, if at all.
So hold on to your virginity: it is powerful, and once it’s gone, it’s gone!

C H A P T E R T E N

When Your Husband Is Not Your Man

“One's dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but cannot be
taken away unless it is surrendered.”

- Michael J. Fox

In many of today’s relationships, the husband is really not your man.

A lot of women’s heads are in the sand. There are two different dynamics at work
here. Your husband can be your husband legally and not your man emotionally; and
usually in this case the husband gives clear signs that let you know that he is
not your man.

Here’s an example: Annette was 52 years old, had been married twice. She met
Jerome, who was 60 years old and had never been married. They started dating and
Jerome, after a year of dating, decided to buy a house. Annette started talking
about marriage, and Jerome agreed. They started looking at houses together and
picked out a house that they both liked. Annette drove Jerome to settlement;
however, at the settlement table, the realtor turned all of the papers toward
Jerome and he subsequently bought the house in his name alone! Annette felt uneasy
about what took place; but she thought that once they got married, he would add
her name to the deed. They planned to get married in two months.

One month before the impending wedding, Jerome came to Annette and wanted her to
sign a prenuptial agreement pertaining to a house that his mother owned in North
Carolina. His mother had found out about the upcoming marriage and was concerned
about what would become of her house when she died. It was to be left to Jerome.
She was concerned that if Jerome died then the house would go to the wife, and she
didn’t want that, so Jerome asked Annette to sign the agreement stating that she
would not inherit the house. Annette signed the agreement. She then moved into the
house that Jerome brought, but Jerome did not move in right away. A month later
they were married by a Justice of the Peace. Then they both went right back to
work. Annette asked Jerome about a wedding reception, and he said they would have
one once they got settled.

A month later, Jerome finally moved into the house. He told Annette that he had to
install a phone in the bedroom and she informed him that the phones were already
on. He said, “You don’t understand, I need a private line in case my mother calls.
She doesn’t like call waiting.” He had a private line installed in the bedroom.
Two years later, Jerome’s mother died. He told Annette that he needed to go to
North Carolina to attend the funeral, but did not ask Annette to accompany him. At
the time he had an older model vehicle and Annette had just bought a brand-new
Cadillac. She suggested that he drive her Cadillac. He told her to ride down with
some of his friends the next day. When they arrived in North Carolina, she spotted
her car, and they drove up beside Jerome; but at no time did he invite Annette to
get into the car and ride with him! His friend asked him what should he do with
Annette, and Jerome said to take her to his mother’s house.

At the funeral, Jerome did not sit with his wife; he sat with his brothers and
Annette sat two pews back. At no time was she acknowledged in the obituary or the
funeral as Jerome’s wife.
Five years into the marriage, Annette repeatedly asked Jerome about adding her
name to their property, but he never did. She tried to be a wife to him by cooking
for him, but he refused to eat her meals, stating that he didn’t like them; and he
continued to cook for himself the entire time that they were married. When the
washing machine stopped working, Annette bought a new one and started washing the
family clothes. Jerome told her that he did not want his clothes washed with her
clothes and that he would wash and fold his own clothes.

Also around this time sex became nonexistent and Jerome moved out of the master
bedroom and into another room in the house. He worked at night, and she worked
during the day, and they rarely saw each other. This went on for another five
years. They were married for ten years and during this time he never called or
visited her place of employment for any occasion. For all practical purposes, no
one really knew that Annette had a husband! Jerome never took Annette out
anywhere.

In conclusion, Jerome was her husband – but not her man. He gave her many signs to
let her know that he was not her man, right from the very beginning. Initially
when he did not want her name on the deed, that was a sign that he was buying that
house for himself. It was clear that he was not her man. When he asked her to sign
a prenuptial agreement in reference to his mother’s house, he was telling her
indirectly that he was not her man.

If he felt that this was the woman that he loved and was going to marry, he would
have told his mother, “This is my wife, the most important person in my life, and
I will not ask her to sign anything pertaining to your house. It is disrespectful
to her.” He would have never put a phone in their bedroom that his wife could not
answer.

If these signs were not enough for Annette to see that he was not her man, when
she attended her mother-in-law’s funeral and her name was excluded from the
obituary, at that point she should have known. No man would treat his woman that
way. Another sign that indicated that Jerome was not Annette’s man was that after
they were married, they immediately returned to work and never had a honeymoon;
and after ten years of marriage, they never had a wedding reception.

Let’s be clear on this: husbands do things that let you know whether or not he is
your man. I have received several letters that say husbands are not romantic. They
describe him as being a good provider and father, but he is not romantic.

There is no such thing as non-romantic man. Romance is in every man. That is why
when you spell the word romance, the word “man” is right smack in the middle. Ro-
man-ce. Romance is something that you don’t do, you have to feel. You can’t fake
it until you make it. You have to feel it.

C H A P T E R E L E V E N

Are You Manless By Choice, Or Are You Truly Manless?

“Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.”

- Eleanor Roosevelt

I hear this phrase all the time: “I do not have a man by choice. It’s not that I
can’t get a man, at this time I choose not to have a man.” This could be true in
some situations; however, if all of these six things happen throughout the year,
there is a strong possibility that this is not by choice… that you are truly man-
less.

# 1. If it’s your birthday and your friends take you out. Limousine, dinner,
birthday cards and presents galore by all of your friends and they are all women
with no man present.

#2. It’s Thanksgiving and at the dinner table someone asks you if you want white
or dark meat and you are surrounded by your friends and family and no man is there
for you, to have turkey carving privileges.

#3. Valentines Day. There is no man that truly feel as though you are Valentine
material: No balloons, no candy, no card and no one to look you in the eye and
say, “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

# 4. Christmas. No man is there Christmas Eve roasting chestnuts or looking

forward to pouring eggnog for you. On Christmas morning, Santa is the only man
you are expecting to show up.

#5. New Year’s Eve. No man at midnight is there to hold you tight and tell you
how much they appreciated the year that passed, and look you in the eye, kiss you
and say, “Happy New Year.”

#6 . Last, but not least, if you were sick with an illness and you were
hospitalized. When you push the button, the only person who comes to your bedside
is the nurse. No man is present or concerned. If all six of these things
happened within the course of a year, you may not be man less by choice, you may
be man less.

The person that came around, with whom you had regular sex, and who you became
attached to emotionally – he never materialized on these occasions.

C H A P T E R T W E L V E

Married Man

“Associate yourself with people of good quality, for it is better

to be alone than in bad company.”

- Booker T. Washington

Many women are involved with married men. Somehow they believe that he is their
man. Yet it is quite apparent that he is not her man. He cannot be. He is a
married man.

What a married man does is let her know that he is married, which is an indication
that he is not available. Let’s be clear on this: a married man cannot talk to
every woman. He is very aware that he is married and cannot be her man. If he
makes a pass at a woman and she truly wants a wholesome relationship that leads to
marriage, she will immediately tell him, “I don’t date married men, what can you
do for me? I don’t want you to waste my time, and I take it as an insult that you
would think I would date you, knowing you’re married and with your wife. What does
that say about me as a woman, and what does that say about you as a man? Because
of all this, you can never be my man.”
The married man knows this before he asks a woman out. What he is saying to
himself is, does this woman know this about me or is she just like me? He couldn’t
care less about his wife or his life. Here is how it normally goes: The married
man approaches the woman in whom he has an interest. This could be in an office, a
club, church, etc. “How about dinner or lunch?”

She says to him, “Are you married”? He replies, “Yes, but I’m not happy. My wife
doesn’t understand me. My house is not a home.”
She thinks about it and says to herself, he’s a good looking guy, successful, and
I’m attracted to him. I know he’s married, but what harm would lunch do? And she
accepts. At this point he says to himself, she’s just like me, derogatory; she
doesn’t know it, but I do. So they go to lunch or dinner. They’re sitting down at
the table, he looks at her. They have good eye contact. The waiter comes over, and
they order a meal. The man reaches over and touches her hand, she does not pull
away.

He knows that this hand is spoken for, even though there is no ring visible. The
waiter then brings a salad. The minute she puts her fork into the tomato and he
observes the juice squirt out and she puts it into her mouth and starts to chew,
he says to himself, I got you. He knows at that point she’s just like him. It
doesn’t matter that he’s married, wife and kids, she wants some of that at all
costs. He has already decided that he doesn’t care about being married, about his
wife and kids and he knows she feels the same way – otherwise she would not be
there.

At this point they start seeing each other and it becomes a “relationship.” In her
mind, this is her man, he loves her, he’s just not happy at home. However, he will
eventually divorce his wife and marry her. This can go on for years. She then
becomes the “other woman.” Holidays, etc, she’s alone. As time goes on and she
realizes that he is not going to leave his wife, it hits her like a ton of bricks
that he is not her man, her head is in the sand.

Ladies, let’s be clear on this, he told her from the very beginning who he was.
She asked him, “Are you married?” He said, “Yes, I’m a married man.”
At that point, ladies, how can he ever be your man?

Don’t make this mistake!

C H A P T E R T H I R T E E N

When Your Man Is Your Man

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a

listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which
have the potential to turn a life around.”

- Leo Buscaglia

He ‘s sincere, compassionate, sensitive, creative, loving and understanding and

above all, honest.

He does not trample on your emotions, does not insult your intelligence, and will
not play mind games.

He makes a sincere effort to communicate on all levels other than the bedroom.

He appreciates you and at some point , places you on a pedestal.

He doesn’t assume anything and will not take his woman for granted. He will let
that woman be his best friend.

Will be a good listener and keep an open mind.

C H A P T E R F O U R T E E N

Relationships In The Twenty- First Century

“I am a slow walker, but I never walk backwards.”

- Abraham Lincoln

No cut card, no hesitation, just straight up and off the top. First, let’s do a
little soul searching. Are we being up-front and honest with ourselves and our
significant others? Take a listen to our hearts. Take a look at a few scenarios.
Is this you?

Scenario # 1

In the beginning, Sam – let’s say he’s seventeen years old – is very handsome.
Though he’s a little overweight, Sam still has it. Sam knows he can have pretty
much any girl in the school, but he chooses Lace, who is from his neighborhood but
attends another school. Lace is fourteen years old; she’s a pretty girl but a
little shy and vivacious at the same time, if that is possible; and she’s a
virgin.

Now Sam has been around and has several intimate girlfriends. Lace’s intimacy
began and ended with kissing. Sam’s not quite honest, and has Lace thinking the
girl calling his name while they stand outside is his cousin. The plot thickens.
Straight off the top, Lace is fourteen and inexperienced; she has no clue. Sam
continues dating two other young ladies while Lace meanwhile is falling in love
for the first time and has decided to give Sam her gift of love for the first
time.

Scenario # 2

Paula and Frank have been married for twenty-two years. Early in the marriage
Paula was always suspicious; she had reason to believe that Frank was cheating on
her. This was painful, along with the sometimes verbally abusive words that came
out of Frank’s mouth. Paula and Frank married when Paula was nineteen and Frank
was twenty-two. All the signs were there that these two had serious problems with
trust and honesty. Frank was self-employed and dabbled, it seems, in a little of
everything – including women. He truly loved Paula and refused to end the
marriage. “Till death do us part,” he said. Now Paula lives in fear and so does
Frank...

Scenario # 3

Alexis and Ally were best friends throughout grade school. Both are now twenty-
three years old and dating professionals. Double-dating came naturally to them.
They all enjoy one another’s company, so they were always at each other’s homes.

Richard and Alexis are engaged and live together. Nick and Ally just live
together. One night, during a night at Nick and Ally’s, Alexis made a pass at
Nick. Now Nick, not quite sure how to handle it, says nothing.
But Nick remembers Alexis’ soft lips on his mouth. After several secret caresses,
gentle kisses, and secret touches, Nick succumbs. The affair begins...

Ladies and gentlemen, check in with yourselves. You can change these scenarios.
Relationships of longevity not love, hypocrisy not honesty, criticism instead of
commitment. Living in a relationship that restricts you from being yourself puts
restrictions on two people and defeats the entire purpose for being together.
First and foremost, be honest with yourself or you will begin to believe your own
lies and this becomes constant in every relationship you become involved in.
Secondly, love the one you’re with; and, if you don’t, let them know. Don’t bullsh
_ _ the other person: they need to know. The longer you wait, the deeper the
heartbreak.

Finally, a healthy relationship include;

Common sense
Communication
Cuddling, lots of cuddling
Apples or any fruit for those erotic occasions
A body and soul you love and adore
A mindful heart
Reasons only your partner understands
Rights that are equally shared
Romantic moments as often as possible
Endless possibilities
Enough just for both of you
Erotic sessions of lovemaking
Just care, care, care enough to be honest, open and watch for the signs and
scenarios of good and bad relationships. Don’t forget to check your relationships
– daily!
Marcia H.

If you love and care for your man or woman you will be respectable. Another
thing, learn to trust – and trust doesn’t come overnight, it takes time. Time is
something you cannot control. Let time take control, because if you stress about
what someone else does, you will never have a life.
Remember that. Love is something you let grow over time.
Corine
Cochran

C H A P T E R F I F T E E N

Equally Yoked

“Good for the body is the work of the body and good for the soul is the work of
the soul, and good for either is the work of the either.”

- Henry David Thoreau

Susan is forty-two years old, has two children and is divorced. She's been in and
out of relationships with men but it feels like every relationship she has goes
bad. She decided to give up on men, deciding that there were no decent men out
there, so she turned to her church. She took her religion seriously and became
born again. One day when shopping she was coming out of the drug store door as a
man was coming out of the liquor store. He approached her, turned, and said, “My
name is Bill.” They began to talk; he seemed to be a very nice person and she
liked something about his conversation. They exchanged numbers and he began to
call her regularly. He then asked her out and they began to date. She told him
that she was a born-again Christian and that she wanted a serious relationship. He
told her that he was not saved and did not attend any church. She asked him if he
would like to attend her church and he said “ maybe.”

She was so happy, she began to tell all of her friends that she had met the man
she was going to marry, that he was her new man. They dated for a year and he
never did ask her to marry him. What he used to do is on Sunday morning he would
call her and she would say “ I am on my way to church” he would then say, “ I’ll
call you when you get back.” He would call her around two in the afternoon and ask
her to meet him at IHop for pancakes. When she arrived at the IHop and poured the
syrup over the pancakes and put them in her mouth, he observed the syrup drip down
on to her. When he asked her to meet him at the IHop what he really wanted was to
hop into her; so after breakfast he asked her to follow him over to his place and
they had sex. There are a lot of woman just like
Susan who are saved but associate themselves with men who are not. Association
means something; you have to be equally yoked. If he can watch you go to church
and never go with you, and you still associate yourself with him, then he knows
that you cannot be serious about being saved, because you're still doing things
with him that go against your beliefs. Susan did not see all of the signs that
Bill showed her: from the very beginning, he never went to church with her.

If you and the man you associate with are not equally yoked, then you have to ask
yourself: Is he your man, or is your head in the sand?

C H A P T E R S I X T E E N

Act Like You Don’t Know Me

“They cannot take away our self-respect if we do not give it to them.”

- Mahatma Gandhi

“ Act Like You Don’t Know Me.”

True story. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. Delores
is five feet, nine inches, with long shapely, sexy legs and a body that men would
die for. Not only is she drop-dead gorgeous, she makes men salivate. When John
first met her, he knew he had to have her. He put his bid in and they started
dating. However, Delores knew he was fine and did not want to give himself to just
one woman; he felt he was too much for one woman and not enough for two. But
other times he felt he could handle five or six women at a time. However, he
really did like Delores, so he decided to give her a slot, not a position, in his
life.

One Friday night after making passionate love to Delores as she lay beside him
crying from the joy of sex, he told her that he had to cut her back from three
days a week to one day a week, because he had met some new female friends that he
wanted to get to know. At first Delores was very upset; but he explained to her,
“You only have a slot, no position in my life.” He further said to her, “If you
ever see me out, act like you don’t know me. It’s not that I don’t care for you. I
enjoy being with you, it’s just that I want to keep it between me and you. So,
Delores, do you understand? Act like you don’t know me.” She said she understood.
Two weeks later she was at a restaurant in Baltimore having a drink when she
observed John surrounded by three women and one man. The women were all over him
and she could tell that one of the women had been to the mountain top, looked over
and seen the promised land; and the more Delores had to drink, the more she
couldn’t take it. So she walked up to the crowd and said, “John, what are you
doing? How could you do this to me?” John looked at her and said, “What are you
talking about? I don’t know you. Leave me alone.” And she kept saying, “I’m
Delores. Don’t play dumb with me.” John kept saying, “Miss, I don’t know you.
Please leave me alone.” John called for the manger; the manger then called the
police, and the police came. They subdued Dolores, handcuffed her, and took her
off to jail. John stayed with his friends and enjoyed the rest of the evening.
The next day the phone rang early in the morning. He picked it up and it was
Dolores. He said, “Hi, Dolores.” Dolores said. “How could you do this to me. I’m
still in jail. I thought you cared. What kind of man are you?” John calmly
replied to Dolores, “Listen to what you are saying. How could I do this to you?
Dolores, you know I like you; but I gave you instructions, which you chose not to
follow. I told you to act like you don’t know me.”

ACT LIKE YOU DON’T KNOW ME! Is he your man, or is your head in the sand? All the
signs were there! When a man tells a woman, “I don’t want everyone to know my
business, so act like you don’t know me,” then he is not your man. When a man is
not your man, what you have is a slot, not a position in his life. What that means
is you have some days allotted – maybe one or two a week. There is nothing wrong
with having a slot if the woman knows that is what she has; the problem is when
she thinks that he is her man and she has a position in his life.

C H A P T E R S E V E N T E E N

Younger Man, Older Woman

“If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain; If I can ease
one life from aching, or cool one pain, or help one fainting robin unto his nest
again, I shall not live in vain.”

- Emily Dickinson

Marie was forty-nine years old and had the build of a twenty-five year old. She
worked out all the time. She was divorced, with two children aged sixteen and
fourteen. She couldn’t even go to the grocery store without men telling her how
good she looked. She was full of energy and loved to dance. One day she went to a
club in DC called Dreams and, just like the name suggests, it fulfilled people’s
dreams.

The men who liked to go there were between the ages of twenty-one and thirty-one.
They were young, with hard bodies, and could drink and party all night long. The
women’s ages were twenty-one through twenty-five: young and tender, with bodies to
die for, and they wore the clothes to show themselves off. As Marie walked into
the club she told herself that she looked better than some of the other women
there.

So she started to mingle and mix into the crowd. She looked across the room and
saw Bernard – and he was good-looking, dancing with women, touching them, feeling
on them and having a good time. Every now and then his gaze would catch hers and
they would have eye contact. She would try to make her way over toward him so that
she could have a better look at him, but every time he stopped dancing with one
woman, he saw another fine one and started dancing with her. Eventually he stopped
dancing and went to the bar to get a drink. Marie made her way over to the bar to
get closer to him so that he could notice her, and he did. They talked for a
while, and he told Marie how good she looked and asked her to dance. On the dance
floor Marie thought she was hot as a fire cracker.
The music, Hot in Here by Nelly, was blasting and she felt the lyrics were written
just for her. They danced a lot that night, including slow songs, and they fit
together like a glove; later they exchanged numbers.

He asked her out that next weekend and they went to another hot club called VIP.
They became closer and he invited her to his apartment and they had sex. The sex
was the best she had had in forty-nine years. She never told Bernard her true age.
After about two or three sexual encounters, she asked him, “How old do you think I
am?” He said forty. She said no, “I’m forty-nine and he said, “You look good for
your age.” She then asked him his age and he said, “I’m thirty-one.” She thought
that he was young – but she had known that already anyway.

This was in October, so she told him that she wanted him to go to her mother’s
house for Thanksgiving; and he did. They became a serious item and, as far as she
was concerned, this was her new man. The fact that he was younger did not matter.
She had tried dating older men in the past but they couldn’t keep up with her and
didn’t want to do the things that she wanted to do.

Marie thought she had found her match. Bernard had a small apartment and she had a
three hundred thousand dollar house, so Bernard started staying over there with
her along with her two kids. At Christmas time he spent Christmas Eve at her house
with her family. Marie at this point started to talk marriage to Bernard. Bernard
was thirty-one years old and had never been married; Marie was married and
divorced. They went out New Year’s Eve and had the time of their lives. Marie now
knew for sure, this was her man. All of her friends said, “He’s kind of young,
isn’t he?” She said, “Yes, but I love him.”

The first week in January, Bernard came over and he was not in a happy mood. When
Marie asked him what was wrong, he told her that a credit card company was trying
to garnish his wages. She said, “You don’t pay your bills?” He responded yes, but
I got a little behind.

She said, “Honey, paying your bills is important. How much do you owe?” He said
it was a total of eight thousand dollars. Marie said to herself, we need to
straighten this out if we are going to get married, so she suggested to Bernard
that she pay off all of his credit cards and he pay her back in installments so
that he wouldn’t have that burden on him and then he could be happy. She added it
was because she hated to see him sad like that. He continued to see her into
February, and right before Valentine’s Day, he was upset again and at this time he
revealed to her that he had two kids and both mothers had found him and had filed
for child support. She said, “You never told me that you had kids, how old are
they?”

He said, five and seven by two different women. “Everything was cool with them
until I started dating you, and when they found out that you were an older, mature
woman with this big house, and that I might marry you, they both were jealous and
they both filed for child support and now seven hundred dollars a month is coming
out of my pay check. I didn’t want to tell you this, I’m behind in my rent and car
note.”

Marie suggested that she might help. “I’ve got two cars, a brand new Lexus and a
2000 Chevrolet. You turn in your SUV before it’s repossessed, and you can use the
Chevrolet, and I’ll help you with the child support payments and you take care of
your rent.” He said, cool, and the relationship continued and they were both
happy.

Two months later, he told her that he could not keep his rent payments up and that
he lost his apartment. She then suggested that he move in with her and he refused
and moved in with his aunt and continued to see her on the weekends. On his
birthday, she gave him a party at his favorite club – Dreams – and he danced and
partied with everybody. The young girls were all over him and he was enjoying
every minute of it as if it were a private bachelor party, and even though Marie
was right next to him. Marie felt secure within herself because she saw herself as
just as hot as the younger women. The party was on a Friday night and they went
home together. The next evening Bernard said to Marie, “I’m still celebrating my
birthday, I want to meet my boys and have some fun, let me take the Lexus.” She
agreed and gave him the keys and he went back to Dreams and partied and drank
until two-thirty in the morning. As he was leaving Dreams, he was feeling
no pain, and he and his boys got into their cars to go to an after-hours party
with some girls they had met in Dreams. Bernard had one girl in the Lexus and his
boy had another girl in his car. While they were driving, Bernard’s friend lost
control of his car and rear-ended the back of the Lexus. The damage was minor and
they continued on to the after-hours party. Bernard came in around four-thirty in
the morning; Marie was asleep, and nothing was said. The next day Marie saw the
damage to the car and Bernard told her that his friend hit it but that he would
pay the deductible.

Marie ended up paying the five hundred dollars and never saw any money from
Bernard or his friend. Bernard wanted to go to California to the NBA All-Star
weekend and they had discussed it prior to the accident.

It started to hit Marie what kind of man Bernard was. When Bernard asked her about
his plane ticket it hit her like a ton of bricks, this is not my man, my head must
be in the sand, and she said, “I’m not giving you money for a plane ticket.” An
argument started and they broke up.

Marie didn’t see this coming. She thought she had found the man of her dreams but
in reality he knew that he wasn’t her man. He was younger than her, and he liked
young women. That’s where he was when Marie met him. There is nothing wrong with
younger men and older women as long as you know what you’ve got. The problem comes
when the woman thinks that he is her man. A man knows something in the milk’s not
clean. She is forty-nine, he is thirty-one, never been married, two kids by two
different women and did not want to marry either one of them. Why would Marie
think that Bernard would want to marry her and be her man? His lifestyle told her
that he was not his own man. Bills not paid, not paying child support until he was
made to by a court order. If that was not enough, she gave him a party at the club
that he enjoyed but the very next day, he had to go back. Why do you think that
is?

Ladies, when a young man dates an older woman, it does not matter how young she
looks, she is still older. Women don’t want to believe that, they think age does
not matter and that they can hang. A man who is thirty-one can date a woman who is
older or younger. He likes that fact, he wants that young girl who is fresh and
tender, what I call fresh lettuce. Have you ever picked up a head of lettuce and
peeled off a leaf and heard it snap as you broke it in half and the juice shot out
from the stem when you put it on bread to make a sandwich? As you bit into it and
it tasted so good, crisp and moist in your mouth, that’s how a young girl feels to
a man. As a young man, If I have the option, Iwant to make my sandwich with fresh
lettuce. To a younger man, an older woman still has leaves on her head of lettuce
and can still be made into a sandwich but you have to peel off several leaves
until you find one that is crisp, but not as crisp as fresh
lettuce. The young man who dates older women says to himself, if you don’t know
that you are old and I’m still young, I’ll date you but I’m still going to want a
sandwich with fresh lettuce. Bernard knew when he was dating Marie that he didn’t
want to be her man, he still wanted to be with young women. That’s what he liked
and he felt that if Marie wanted him then she had to pay that “bill”. You ask,
what bill? The penis bill. Believe me, Marie paid. A younger man does not have it
together in most cases – he cannot be your man. If you put yourself in that
position, you are going to pay that “bill”. So date younger men if you want to,
there is nothing wrong with that, but don’t think that he is your man. If you do,
your head is in the sand.

C H A P T E R E I G H T E E N

What Makes A Man Want To Be Your Man (Get Married)

“Occasionally in life there are those moments of unutterable fulfillment which

cannot be completely explained by those symbols called words. Their meanings can
only be articulated by the inaudible language of the heart.”

- Martin Luther King, Jr.

1. LOVE:
"He falls in love."

“There were so many good things about her,” he remembers. It was very intense; he
felt close very quickly. It worked for him: he met someone and everything jibed.
He didn’t want to be apart from her. She became a part of everything he does, all
his thoughts, and he realized that at some point he was going to make a
commitment.

His love made him want her to know that he feels serious and wants to continue
forever. It is a natural culmination of all his feelings, and he is surprised by
how easily and quickly they came. It was so effortless. Marriage does not seem
like the end, it seems like the beginning.

2. COMPANIONSHIP:
"You're with someone to enjoy good times, help in bad times"

The second reason a man wants to be your man (get married) is partnership. He
wants to be with someone to enjoy the good times and help in the bad times.
Marriage is two people working together to make each other’s lives better, to
bring out the best in each other, to support each other and just take care of each
other through the good and the bad.

Some men marry for love and companionship,

3. FAMILY:
“He is ready to have kids.”

Much has been made about women’s biological clocks. But men, too, have time
frames. Some start to feel like they are behind a their peers, if their close
friends are married and working on their second or third child. Thus, the third
reason men marry: to have a family.

He realizes that to love someone, to have her love him, and then to have children,
are among the deepest experiences life has to offer.

4. COMMITMENT:
"I want to spend the rest of my life with one person."
Men may appear noncommittal but are more willing than we think. For a lot of men,
marriage means making a life commitment. It’s a commitment to spend the rest of
their lives together with someone they’d marry only for that reason.

5. TRUST:
"Without it, what have you got?"

For many men, trust is the primary reason for slicing through layers of wedding
cake. They want a woman they can count on, and make a big point of emphasizing
loyalty and honesty.

6. SAME VALUES:
"Someone who shares his views on life"

Men who marry for the same values want a woman who is familiar and recognizable.
Many men don’t marry the type of women they were dating,
feeling that they weren’t warm or compassionate and didn’t look at things the same
way he did. Those differences automatically built a wall.

When he meets a woman who looks at the world the same way he does,
when their reactions to political events, job situations, family, are very much
the same, then that is comfortable for him. Her family feels like his family, even
her friends are similar to his. It is all so comfortable, he doesn’t have to work
at it. Like a package arriving fully assembled, he does not have to read the
instructions to figure out how to put it together.

7. TRUE FRIENDSHIP:
"Day in and day out, you have to have a real good buddy"

Of all the reasons men marry, friendship seemed the most difficult to understand.
Don’t we all have enough friends? But men feel more comfortable with women
friends. Men want to know that they love each other and are great buddies.

8. LONELINESS:
“He wants to share life's joys and pleasures, even troubles"

Men are twice as likely as women to cite loneliness as a motivation for marriage.
What is the alternative? Hanging out with the guys, frequent trips to the video
store, endless dating? After a while it all gets stale. As a man starts getting up
in years, the whole idea of growing old with somebody becomes a comforting
thought. Marrying as an end to interminable loneliness is the eighth reason men
find their way to City Hall.

9. SOCIAL ACCEPTANCE:
"I feel the need to conform to everyone's expectations."

When compared with other reasons men marry, the need to gain acceptance by some
outside world seems shallow, at least on the face of it. People are very
uncomfortable with the unmarried; they never quite know what to do with you”.

10. PERSONAL FREEDOM:

I finally found someone I can be myself with "It’s interesting, freedom. We
finally get it and now find we have the opportunity to walk out of an open window
or into a manhole, without anyone trying to stop us a single 38-year-old observed.
We’re free enough to do something really stupid and self-destructive
Could marriage actually bestow freedom? We’re not talking contradictions here,
because marriage does offer different choices: a way to plan the future, an
opportunity to develop a particular talent or interest, a framework for personal
development.

Some men see marriage as liberation. Traditionally men are taught to see marriage
as a heavy-duty commitment. They wail about all the things they have to give up,
like staying out late, but a different kind of liberation comes from meeting your
responsibility to your wife and to your marriage. It’s a struggle, but somehow, in
a funny way, it allows you to transcend yourself.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Russell is the founder and CEO of Today's Relationships -- an organization for

people who are married, separated, widowed, divorced and single. Russell conducts
seminars and workshops on relationships such as the five levels of relationships
and how to determine if your relationship is a healthy or addictive one. As a
former police officer, Russell has had the opportunity to witness several domestic
situations and many males being locked up. This inspired Russell to write his
first book You Might Not Have A Woman If to help individuals to see the signs that
would prevent domestic violence and help men and women to communicate better. For
example if you are contributing to the household financially and don't have a key
it might not be your woman. Russell's new book: Is He Your Man Or Is Your Head In
The Sand a pocket guide to empower women to know for sure.

Russell Price, Jr. is a speaker, author, consultant and relationship analyst in

the Washington, D.C. metropolitan area. For the past 10 years he has been
providing information on male-female relationships to the community. He hosted a
talk show on WOL-1450AM in Washington D.C. and WOLB-1010 in Baltimore.

His seminar topics are: • You Might Not Have A Woman If (A blue print to
relationships) • The Five Levels of Relationships • Are You In Relationship Jail
“When Your Wife Is Not Your Woman” • Is he your man or is your head in the sand •
How To Let Go (and make your life better)

www.relationshipstoday.org

www.betheremagazine.com

For Relationship Reading... e-mail Russell at relationshiptalk123@yahoo.com

Is He Your Man, Or Is Your Head In The Sand?

All of your relationships are inside of you! Ultimately, each relationship you
have with another person reflects your relationship with yourself.

“What qualities should I look for in a man?” The number-one quality is

character. Character determines how a person will treat you, himself and your
children. It is the foundation of any healthy relationship. You’re looking for:
1) Someone who cares about where he is going in life. He is committed to learning
everything about you and himself in the relationship. 2) Someone who has emotional
openness. He can feel, knows what he is feeling and chooses to share the feelings
with you. 3) Integrity: someone who is honest with himself and is honest with
others and doesn’t play games. 4) Someone who is positive. There are two kinds of
people in this world, negative and positive. Which one do you want to be
associated with?

“ I knew he was not my man when...” Women filled in the blank; for example, “I
knew he was not my man when he came in the house at 3:00 in the morning and did
not speak or give me any kind of explanation.” Another one adds, “I knew he was
not my man when she called my house and told me that she was sleeping with my
man.”

Testimonial: “Your coaching last January has helped me a lot and your advice stays
with me. I have grown and changed so much in the last year. I am so grateful for
your wisdom, kindness and loving spirit that you share with the world. Thank you
for telling me like it is. I appreciate your approach to relationships with such
honesty and compassion. The universe needs you; you are certainly one of God's
special angels doing his work here on earth. Thank you, Russell!”
Judy, Ashton, Maryland

www.relationshipstoday.org

Relationships Today
P. O. Box 6721 Largo Maryland 20792

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