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RORY C. REID MSW, Counseling, Education, and Research ____________________________________________________________________________ This address was given at the 2004 Family Expo Conference 2004 by Brigham Young University, Family Expo All rights reserved. For further information write: Family Expo, 136 Harman Continuing Education Building, Provo, Utah 84602. (801) 422-3559 E-mail: cw136@byu.edu Home page: http://familyexpo.byu.edu ____________________________________________________________________________
What is Conflict?
Conflict is any situation where your concerns or desires differ from another persons.
Kenneth W. Thomas, Ralph H. Kilmann
Every family has problems and challenges. But successful families try to work together toward solutions instead of resorting to criticism and contention.
President Ezra T. Benson, Ensign, Aug. 1993, 4
Conflict Styles
Competitive Style
When a person uses a competitive style, he /she tends to be very assertive & interested in getting his or her own way, approaching the conflict in a very forceful way with not much interest in cooperating with other people. People use this style when the issue is very important to the person, and the person has a big stake in getting his way. Or when the person has the authority to make the decision, and it seems clear that this is the one best way. Or when decisions have to be made fast and the person has power to make it. Or when the person feels he has nothing to lose. Or when he is in an emergency situation where immediate action/decision is needed. Or when the person can't get a group to agree.
Avoidant Style
This approach happens when a person does not assert himself, don't cooperate or avoid the conflict entirely. This can be a good approach to use if one is dealing with a difficult person or when there is no urgency to make a decision. Avoidance can mean to others as 'running away' from the issue but sometimes evasion /delay can be appropriate and constructive.
Accommodative Style
This approach happens when one works cooperatively with the other person, without trying to assert your own concerns. This may be used when the outcome of the situation is very important to the other person but of less important to you. Accommodation can be a little bit like avoidance, because you can use it to delay finding a true resolution to a problem. But the main difference is that in accommodation, you cooperate: you face the situation and agree to do what the other person wants.
Compromising Style
In the compromising / sharing approach, one gives up a little of what he wants to get the rest of what he wants and the other party is also willing to dot he same. This is done by making exchanges, concessions and bargaining to come up with a compromise solution both parties agree to. This may be like collaboration to some extent but compromise happens on a more superficial level than collaboration. One is not searching for underlying needs & interests as in collaboration.
Collaborative Style
In this style one gets actively into the conflict, asserting what he wants while still trying to cooperate with the other person. If one has the time & the issue is important enough this is a good way to find a win-win situation. The key to collaboration that works would be to take time to look at underlying interests & needs, in the hope of finding some way of meeting the needs of both parties
Gospel Doctrine
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger (Prov. 15:1). Cease to contend one with another; cease to speak evil one of another. (D&C 136:23.) For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another (3 Ne. 11:29).