Aspirin Overdose **************** Jane calls the doctor in a panic. "Doctor, doctor! My little Jimmy swallowed a d ozen aspirin.

What should I do?" The doctor asked Jane, "Are you sure it was a dozen?" The frantic mother says, "Absolutely! Doctor, I'm scared to death!" The doctor tells the mother, "Calm down. Is little Jimmy crying?" Jane says "No." "Is he sleeping?" asks the doctor. "No." says Jimmy's mom. The doctor goes on with routine questions, "Is his color funny?" Again Jane says "No." "Did Jimmy throw up?" asks the methodical doctor. "No." says the worried mom. "But I'm so scared. All that aspirin...shouldn't I d o something?" To which the doctor says, "Try giving him a headache." ================================== Life's Observations ********************* 1. Marriage changes passion; suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 2. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea." 3. I have my own little world. But it's OK, they know me here. 4. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 5. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected. 7. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in va lue. 8. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 9. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a couple of bucks at the bowling alley. 10. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect. 11. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

12. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? ================================== She Was So Blonde That ************************* - She tripped over a cordless phone. - She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train." - She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentr ate." - She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." - She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. - She studied for a blood test. - When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. - When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turn ed around and went home. - She sold the car for gas money! ===================================== Shirley's Makeover ******************** A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack an d was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a ne ar-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had s omeone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!" ========================================= Texas Blind Man ******************* There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the pl ane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in th e bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, " Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom wa s located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!" ========================================= The Widow At The Farmhouse ******************************* Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wag on and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terribl e blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night. "I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk i f I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn." Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and vis it with her?" "Yes, I have to admit that I did." "Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did." "Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!" ============================================ Drunk At Confessional ************************ A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. Hi s attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.

Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?" ============================================ Contact Lens ************* The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand. "How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked. "We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150." ============================================== A Free Ride ************** Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers bu y only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" wonders one of the la wyers. "Watch, and you'll see," replies one of the engineers. They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats while all thre e engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after t he train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on th e restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a si ngle arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers see this and agree it is quite a clever idea. After the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch, and you'll see," replies one of the engineers. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three e ngineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. A few moments later, o ne of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please." ================================================== A Penthouse In Heaven ************************ The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to h is new quarters which turn out to be a tiny one bedroom apartment.

The Pope is horrified and wants to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartm ent, which is huge. Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer. "A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important." "With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we on ly have ONE lawyer!" =================================================== How To Detect A Mental Deficiency ******************************** A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturall y broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind tel ling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and di ed during one of them. Which one?' The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happe n to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about hist ory." ==================================================== Army Cadet ************** A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking aw ay, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance o n my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got ou t of the Army I'd never stand in another line!" ==================================================== Temperature ************* A CEO-type was in the hospital, being treated for a minor deal. For a week he'd made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating all the staff, shouting orders a nd demanding attention, complaining about the food, the bed, the temperature, th e weather. Typical big shot. One morning a nurse's helper entered the room, saying, "Time to take your temper ature, sir." After growling that she was disturbing his nap, the guy finally opened his mouth for the thermometer.

"Sorry, sir," said the nurse, "but for this test we need your temperature from t he other end." After bitching about the embarrassment and inconvenience, the guy finally rolled over and bared his butt. After the nurse finished, she said, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you." The nurse left, leaving the door ajar. The guy's back is to the door, and for ov er an hour, he hears people wandering up and down the hall, laughing. At length the guy's doctor entered the room, saw the guy with his bare butt in the air and gawked. Finally, he asks, "What's going on here?" The guy barks, "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Not with a daffodil." ========================================== Banking Error... ******************** A true story out of San Francisco... A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch & wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worr y that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he r eached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the stree t to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo telle r. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brighte st light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note beca use it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either ha ve to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few mi nutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. ================================ Hearing Problems ********************* A man told his doctor, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?" The doctor replied, "Try this test first. When your wife is at the sink doing di shes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respo nd, keep moving closer, asking the same question until she hears you." He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen feet behind her , he said, "What's for dinner, honey?" Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated the question. Still no reply, so he moved to five feet. Still no answer. Finally he stood directly behind her and said, "Honey, what's for dinner tonight

?" "FOR THE FOURTH TIME, I SAID CHICKEN, You'd better get your hearing checked!" ================================================ Elephant Robbery ******************** A jeweller called the police station to report a robbery. "You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, th e doors opened and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck h is trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The door s closed and the truck pulled away." The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?" "What's the difference?" asked the jeweller. "Well," said the sergeant, an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears." "Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweller. "He had a sto cking over his head." =============================================== The 10 Commandments ********************** A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and si x year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mothe r," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered , "Thou shall not kill!" ================================================= Kids Books You'll Never See (or read) ********************************** "Some Kittens Can Fly!" "Strangers Have the Best Candy" "The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking" "Where Would You Like to Be Buried?" "Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?" ======================================== George Carlin's Views On Aging *****************************

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when w e're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. Yo u're four and a half, going on five! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next numb er, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life...you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony...YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk . He TURNED 30! We had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sourdumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 5 0...and your dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thin g; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 9 2." Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid a gain. "I'm 100 and a half!" =============================================== Questioning Faith ******************** My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her faith and lack of re ticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and say, "Prais e the Lord!" Her next door neighbor would shout back, "There ain't no Lord!" During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prov e his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door. The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, "Praise the Lord!" The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, "I brought those groceries

, and there ain't no Lord." Grandmother replied, "Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it." ============================================= Slow Down ************* One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said. "Officer you ca n't give me a ticket for that!' "Why not" said the officer. "Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same." "But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP." "But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist. "What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise. "Do you want me to slow down or stop?" says the officer. ================================================ Stagecoach Surprise ********************** I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Sud denly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a r iderless horse pulls up on the right. The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagec oach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse. Just before he rode off, I yelled out, "What was all that about?" He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through. ================================================== New Teeth ************** Our local minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures made a few weeks ago. The first Sunday, his sermon lasted 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached o nly 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached for an hour and a half. I asked him about this. He then told me "well, John, that first Sunday, my gums

were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were still hurting a lot. Now the third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures AND I COU LDN'T STOP TALKING!" ================================================= Tommy & Math ****************** Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tut ors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could thin k of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in t he local Catholic School. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his fac e. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and s tarts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in n o time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand wh at made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. H e quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looks at it and to her surprise; little Tommy go t an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and s ays: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes h is head. "Well then," she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the struct ure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?" Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I sa w that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around." ================================================== Physics ************** One day our physics professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff ?" "To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor. ================================ Tough Exam *************** An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semeste r dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his ch air, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have le

arned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some stu dents wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minut e. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he c ould have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer con sisted of two words: "What chair?" ================================= Plea ***** After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of commi tting the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honor, I woul d like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges." The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded. Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me." ================================== A Noise (SENT) *********** My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs. She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!" "What's the matter?" I asked. "There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight." "That'll teach them!" I replied. ===================================== Life's Plan *********** Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well planned life?" "Yes," said her friend, "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker." Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!" ==================================== Nine Ways NOT To Start Your Police Report ********************************************* 1. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ... 2. The names contained in this report have been changed to protect the innocent ... 3. The mayor then made an illegal left hand turn onto Mulraney at which point I opened fire ... 4. Before I get into the details, I've got a few "shout- outs" for my homeys in the command staff ... 5. It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the mist. The radio ca ll penetrated the eerie silence with such piercing intensity that for a moment, I was sure I'd lost my mind ... 6. Got call. Responded. Arrested bad guy. The end. 7. Mye pertnar an eye wher on petrol wen we seen a man act suspishushly... 8. The suspect then tried to assault me by repeatedly slamming his face into my fist ... 9. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away ... ========================================= Ice Fishing *************** There were two good ol' boys from Alabama, who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up the re. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna nee d an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're gonna need another dozen ice picks." Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sol d him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We' re gonna need all the ice picks you've got." The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?" "Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the water yet." =========================================== Blonde Capitals

******************* Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. Sh e interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this bl onde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I me morized all the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Ne vada?" "N", she answered. ====================================== Bad Memory ************** A man walks into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsa licylic acid?" "Do you mean aspirin?" asks the pharmacist. "That's it! I can never remember that word!" ================================== Visiting the Zoo (SENT) ******************** Three mischievous boys skipped school one day and instead went to the zoo one da y for an outing. They decided to visit the elephant cage first, but soon enough, they were picked up by a zoo security officer for causing a commotion. The officer hauled them off to the Security Office for questioning. The supervisor in charge asked each of them to give their names and tell what th ey were doing at the elephant cage. The first boy innocently said, "Okay, my name is Gary, and I was just throwing p eanuts into the elephant cage." The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts in to the elephant cage." The third boy was a little more shaken up than his buddies and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts." ==================================== It's A Great Country, But It's A Strange Culture (SENT) This has got to be the only country in the world that could ever come up with a

disease like bulimia; gotta be the only country in the world where some people h ave no food at all, and other people eat a nourishing meal and throw it up inten tionally. This is a country where tobacco kills four hundred thousand people a year, so th ey ban artificial sweeteners because a rat died. This is a place where gun store owners are given a list of stolen credit cards, but not a list of criminals and maniacs. And now, they're thinking about banning toy guns - but they're gonna keep the real ones! ~ George Carlin ======================================== What's wrong with having a prison in your neighborhood? It seems to me like it w ould make it a pretty crime-free area, don't you think? You think a lot of crackheads and pimps and hookers and thieves are going to be hanging around in front of a freaking prison? Nope, they ain't coming anywhere n ear it! What's wrong with these people? All the criminals are locked up behind the walls , and if a couple of them do break out what do you think they're going to do, ha ng around? Check real-estate trends? No way, they're freaking gone! That's the whole idea of breaking out of prison: to get as far away as you possi bly can. ~ George Carlin ======================================= Even More Wisdom From George ***************************** Next time you're at a wishing well ask to see the manager. Tell him you've been coming there for 10 years and none of your wishes have come true. Either you gim me my money back or I'm poopin' in the well! ~ George Carlin ====================================== Expressions Explained ********************** In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculp ted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg." ========================================= Expressions Explained (Part 2)

********************************* Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified wo man, as in "straight laced," wore a tightly tied lace. --Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied whe n purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "Ace of Spades." To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid o r dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck." --Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios the politi cians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. M any assistants were dispatched at different times. You go sip here" and "You go sip there." The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to th e local opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip." --At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized contain ers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks co ming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in "pints" an d who was drinking in "quarts," hence the term minding your "P's and Q's." ==========================================