LOST A FRIEND? WHY IT'S IMPORTANT TO SMILE THROUGH THE TEARS...

By Jacqueline Bunn DogPsyche UK

I've been a Canine Behaviour Consultant now for a long time and I've gone through the awful loss of cherished pets with clients, friends and family. I've had my own share of loss too; with some of the most amazing dogs I've ever had the privilege of sharing my life with. At the moment I'm going through it all again, with the devastating loss of my 11 year-old Great Dane, Bailey, to cancer last week. It was a sudden loss due to an undetectable internal tumour, the cancer of which had spread to other organs and systems. We've lost dogs to cancer before but always had a couple of weeks' notice; we lost Bailey within only a few hours of knowing there was something seriously wrong. My personal experience, studies and cases have covered the various stages of (human) grief and these are the same when the pet is regarded as a member of the family. The problems occur when we project these feelings of grief onto any remaining dogs in the family. Companion dogs don't 'grieve' the loss of another member of their social group the way we do. Their bonds are a lot more transitory than our own, both with humans and conspecifics. I've learned this through years of having foster dogs coming through our home; invariably I'm told the dog will pine / refuse food or water / suffer from separation anxiety etc. but if dealt with in the right way, the dog very quickly forms what I call a 'Survival Bond' to the first person that cares for them and settles quickly. Even when I've merely transported dogs for an hour or two, by the time we have got to our destination after having a stop or two on the way, the dog has already formed a Survival Bond with me. It's a survival instinct that companion dogs have developed through living with us humans for 15,000 years (give or take a thousand) and is a fairly obvious one when you think that dogs are a social species. The progression of this initial bond can go a couple of ways; it can either intensify into a dependent (possibly co-dependent) relationship or settle into a more healthy, balanced relationship where the individuals have a strong emotional bond but retain the ability to be happy and comfortable when apart. I've always believed that there are certain types of humans and dogs that will inevitably become 'clingy'. They will nurture and eventually depend on the presence of their attachment figure, feeling unable to cope or at the very least are very unhappy when they aren't around them. This might seem fine for people who never need to leave their dogs for any reason, but is it? What about vet clinic stays? What about if the owner needs to go into hospital? What if someone in the relationship dies? In our home, until last week, we had Bailey - our 11 year-old Great Dane who had been with us since 11 months old, Sticky - a 2 year-old neutered male rescued crossbreed, and Bellini - our 5 year-old neutered male foster Neapolitan Mastiff.
Jacqueline Bunn 2011 Page 1

We have always rewarded our dogs for confidence and independence. We don't actively propagate the development of hyper-attachments either to each other or to us. We vary their walks so that they aren't always together all of the time, theyre walked and fed by different people and we make no fuss about leaving or returning to the home, whether it's 4 minutes or 4 hours. Of course we are all happiest when we are all together, whether that's out on a walk or simply lounging about at home, but we can cope without each other just fine... We had to return to the house without one of our family group one evening last week. Bailey had been there the longest of all the dogs and none of us can remember a time without her. Even though we were indescribably sad, we tried our best to be as normal as possible for our remaining two dogs. When I walked in I made a point of giving the same greeting to them in the same way, saying the same thing, doing the same routine. This way the boys would hopefully be as happy as always to see us. If we had walked in crying, calling for them, hugging them and basically behaving around them in a completely different way, their emotional state and behaviour would subsequently alter, although they would have absolutely no idea why we were behaving so abnormally. How different it would have been if we had behaved as grieving family members. How would our dogs have reacted? What would they have seen and felt from us? Not having the benefit of knowing WHY we were so upset, would it have been fair on them?
NO, OF COURSE NOT.

In the hours and days that have followed that devastating day last week, Sticky and Bellini's behaviours haven't altered. They wander up to Bailey's bed from time to time and have a sniff, but no more than they ever did before if she was out on a walk (the only reason we haven't removed her bed already is that it is actually a huge sofa that we need help to move! Yes, Lady Bailey had her own sofa...). They get excited for their walks and their meals, play and gallop about and are generally happy, active and not 'grieving' for or missing Bailey the way we are. There are two reasons for this: 1. We have taught the dogs to be as emotionally independent as possible and accept spending time with one or more of them missing from the family group as completely normal. 2. By behaving around them as if nothing is out of the ordinary, we are not forcing our dogs to join us in our grieving process. I work with many people who believe that their dogs have grieved in a human way for family members, both canine and human, lost to them. They describe their dog as depressed and miserable. However the following two reasons are the main causes for a change in the dog's behaviour which owners might see as depression or grief: 3. The dogs were suffering from a hyper-attachment to the family group member that has died and is now experiencing separation anxiety. 4. The bereaved humans in the group are exposing the dogs to their unbalanced and emotionally compromised state of mind and the dog is merely reacting to this, possibly by mirroring the behaviours. When I meet a dog in a family that is dealing with bereavement I watch the behaviour of the human family members and without exception, their behaviour is what is affecting the dog. When I start
Jacqueline Bunn 2011 Page 2

some positively-reinforced play or training with the dog, their emotional state immediately changes and the owners see 'the old dog' returning again as if by magic. It's not magic, it's just the dog being overjoyed that someone around them is happy and positive. If the dog were truly grieving or behaviourally suppressed, nobody could arouse them into play, or at least not enthusiastic play (I know I'll get emails from owners who say their dog's emotional state is irrelevant - show them a tennis ball and they'd be up out of their bed - and also that there are dogs out there who wouldn't even lift an eyelid for a tennis ball!) Grieving is a healthy and natural part of OUR healing process. As humans we feel disrespectful if we do not observe certain traditions and feel certain emotions. It would be unthinkable to go straight out and have a good time within a few hours of losing a loved one. For dogs this is absolutely necessary and the right thing to do... It is wholly unfair to expose them to - or expect our dogs to share - our grief, even subconsciously. Dogs only want - and need - us to get back to normal as quickly as possible. While I'm not suggesting the human species develops a cold and cavalier attitude to bereavement, if we love our dogs we shouldn't let them become helplessly attached to each other (or us), and it should be 'business as normal' for them even if we ourselves are dying inside at our loss. In the current situation in our home there is a positive reason for dealing with Bailey's loss in this way; making the remaining dogs in our family happy during this crippling time is actually helping us to heal quicker because I know that what we are doing for them would actually have made Bailey very happy too. Here's a checklist of hints and tips before and after the loss of a beloved dog: BEFORE THE FATEFUL DAY... All dogs must learn to be happy and emotionally stable on their own, whether that's being walked alone or left alone. If you have more than two dogs, mix and change the routine so that the dogs aren't with each other every minute of every day. If necessary give special treats to dog/s that are left alone so that it's a special time for them. Don't let your dog become your emotional crutch. Learn to share joy or sadness with other people and / or in different ways than running to your do at least some of the time. They may understand your emotional state has changed but they won't understand why. That's not fair. AFTER THE LOSS OF YOUR FRIEND... Try to keep everything as normal as possible around the remaining dog/s; routines, cuddles, play, feeding times etc. If you really can't handle being happy around your dogs, see if friends or family will take them out for walks and play with them. Hopefully they will be less affected and your dogs will get a break from the sad atmosphere in the house. Have a slight change around of some furniture so that when you remove the missing dog's bed, it won't seem so unusual to the remaining dogs.
Page 3

Jacqueline Bunn 2011

Wash and clean as much of the furniture as is possible in the dogs' living area, to introduce new scents into the home and initiate the chain of change. Try to be as cheerful and happy around your dog as you always are, even if you have just noticed your missing dog's lead hanging on the hook and you want to burst into tears. Don't cry in front of your dog if at all possible. They will understand that you are sad, but won't understand why. That's not fair on them. Don't project ways of dealing with your own grief onto your dog, i.e. Food isn't Love (my own personal mantra that I practice on my dogs - and the reason my dogs are always fitter and healthier than I am!) Go out and get some new dog toys. You will feel better making your remaining dogs happier than they have ever been. Remember that we are actually only grieving for ourselves... Our friend has gone and whether you believe in another stage of existence or not, they are in no more pain or discomfort. It's us left behind that are in turmoil. DO NOT get another dog until you can think of the missing one with no sadness, only joy and happiness. If you get another dog too soon you run the risk of exposing your grief to the next dog and that's unfair on them. If your dogs are experiencing any behavioural changes, don't let it go on for months. Get in touch with a canine behaviour specialist and ask how much experience they have with this kind of situation before asking them to take the case. If they haven't dealt with cases of canine behavioural changes due to bereavement, keep looking. Lastly, no matter how difficult, (and believe me I KNOW how hard this is...) try to be happy around the dogs you have left IN HONOUR of the one you have lost. Think of your grieving period more as a kind of joyful memorial by doing wonderful things with your dogs in loving memory of the one that's gone.

Jacqueline Bunn 2011

Page 4